Moment 108 - This Powerful Tool Can Change Your Life: Africa Brooke

00:02speaking of controversial topics one of the things that's become surprisingly controversial over the last couple of years is and probably for a little while longer um since the 17th century um is this idea of accountability which to me seems like much of the antidote to self-sabotage it's like taking personal responsibility for your life and your situation i've heard you talk about this i actually think this was the first the first one of your first videos that caught my attention was you talking about taking responsibility in a really you know a fairly direct way so tell me how taking responsibility what that means to you but how that helped you to rise out of that phase you had from 14 to 24 yeah oh it was huge it was huge and it had to be one of the first things that I did actually as I as I think about this and sort of speak out loud I think what allowed me to get and stay sober that eighth and final time was taking personal responsibility I think all of the other times I had wanted to place blame on a lot of things outside of me so my dad would have been the easiest person because he was an alcoholic and because of his abuse and because of everything we experienced and because of the instability

01:14because of coming to a new country, moving to a part of the UK where just me, my sister and Curtis are the only black kids, the adversity I experienced from that. So I think there were so many ways that I could externalize. Right. But I think the moment that I was able to say, OK, well, Africa, what part did you have to play in this? So you've experienced all of this adversity. What now? What fucking now? No one else can do it for you. And I think that helped me so much. And another thing that I had to do, which is a part of that responsibility and accountability, was making amends. So people that have followed the 12-step program, for example, will know that making amends is a huge part of it. I didn't follow the 12-step program. What's the 12-step program? So 12 step is a essentially Alcoholics Anonymous, you go through a process, a 12 step process of accountability, essentially. And one of those steps is making amends, reaching out to the people that you've harmed, and making amends. And that's what I had to do. And I really did that.

02:22And there was a lot of shame, there was a lot of guilt, there were a lot of people that didn't want to hear it. But there were a lot of people that were very grateful that even after all of these years I'm coming to them and acknowledging something that I did or played a part in and only then could I actually move forward with my sobriety knowing that I am responsible yes I've experienced a lot of adversity but I am the one that gets to decide what now so fast forward to finding ourselves in a culture where even just conversations around personal responsibility are have been politicized.

02:58Because I've noticed they're labeled as right wing. Isn't that weird? It's mad. Isn't that crazy? The moment you say, you do realize there is a lot in your life that you can control. You're called a bigot. I'm a puppet and I'm a victim. And there's nothing I can control. And it's that political party that did this. Okay? So just... and that that is unfollowed it's fucking crazy it's mad and i think i've i speak to my family and my friends about all of these things quite a lot actually and because i'm still very much in touch with everyone back home in zimbabwe and because i have that perspective when i compared to that part of the world to the Western world, this just seems like a completely different world, like some kind of show. It can't be real. That people can get upset to know that there are things in your life that you can control. Yes, you might have experienced X, Y, and Z, but you are responsible for how you move forward. Yes, there might be other components. Maybe it is the system. Maybe it is your familial environment, whatever the details might be, but there are also things within your control the fact that people can label that as being bigoted the moment you say i i just wouldn't you want that to be the case wouldn't you want to have things that you can

04:31control the thought of being powerless yeah my circumstances is the most terrifying thing in the world you know being a being a being that's why i refer to it as a puppet that someone else is pulling these strings right and i have no i'm powerless to my situation so i think it's i find it empowering and liberating to say, you know, there is a lot of things I can control. Yes, I'm broke. Yes, I'm in this situation, but there's something that I can do. And I have to also express the nuance that you did, which is there are a lot of people that are disabled. There are a lot of people that have found themselves in horrifically unfortunate circumstances through no fault of their own. But I find it really important for my sanity of mind and my optimism for the future to know that there is something, often there is something that I can do to change my situation absolutely that's a controversial idea imagine that would you have thought that is it for you to say rich motherfucker with his car what what what what is it though do you do you think you know what that is yeah because it holds a mirror up to you it makes you feel like for some people and i think it was for me at some point as well holding that mirror up and saying

05:40do you know what? I might've had part to play in this and I'm actually, I can have a part in getting out of the situation. For some people is evidence of their inadequacy that they just don't have the self-esteem to confront. So it's easier to blame. Blame is a nice shield. It's a nice way to deflect the attack against my already fragile self-esteem. I would do that, of course, when I was younger and someone might point at something. Blame was a way for you not to hit me in the self-esteem it was a way of saying no no no no no that's not because i'm inadequate or because i'm not capable or i'm not smart or because i'm not working hard it's because of this other thing and so leave me alone africa blocked yes it's like do you know what i mean that's that's my analysis of it often is it's for some people it's it's look it's a it feels like evidence of their inadequacy yes and why what would someone not like that well because it makes you feel like shit Yeah. And I think because we're also being encouraged, especially the younger generation, who I really now more than ever want to make more of an effort to really speak directly to them is because I think we're sort of training each other to not prioritize emotional resilience.

06:55because along with personal responsibility, resilience is also another controversial word. You know, this idea that you can build a strong foundation within yourself that even if something happens externally outside of you, you are able to deal with it. You don't have to go into that deep, dark place and think that is it, full stop. So I think because most people are not emotionally resilient and are not nurturing and sort of cultivating that within themselves, it continues that cycle where you just end up in perpetual victimhood.

07:30And then we are in a culture that rewards victims, you know, and I think self-correction there actually, and I want to make this very clear that there is a very real difference between being a victim, someone who has genuinely been victimized and making victimhood an identity. There's a huge difference between the two. But I think when you start to make victimhood and identity for anything and everything that's when it might be time to actually hold a mirror up to yourself on that word resilience i think the reason why resilience is in part at least why it's a controversial topic is because it kind of starts to merge into the lane of like mental health and resilient people when they think of resilience they think of like shut up and deal with it yeah you know what i mean yeah and then that that acts as in conflict to the narrative of like express yourself feel your emotions yeah it's okay to be not okay yeah so talk to me about the distinction you make between those two things and your relationship with both you know what I guess this is where I would bring it back around to holding those multiple truths because why do we think that we have to choose between one or the other why can't you be both emotionally resilient

08:41as an individual as a being and allow yourself to express yourself and allow yourself to be vulnerable and allow yourself to have those real low moments that we all do and i think both can coexist it's really not one or the other so what is the opposite of resilience then the word weakness comes to mind but i don't know if that's accurate i don't know if that's accurate to what i'm not sure but it's interesting because the word weakness comes to mind and maybe a part of me or even for someone listening we we think associating the word weak to yourself means there's something wrong with you that it's a bad word I think there's this idea that it's it's bad to be weak or it's not acceptable to be weak but I think we all have moments of weakness but I don't know if that would be the opposite of of resilience what do you think um so if we're talking about emotional resilience maybe the opposite is emotional maybe fragility maybe i don't know um it's something within that realm right yeah and the reason i'm basically playing devil's advocate with myself to see if to see if it is two truths or if what we were describing earlier about being expressive and being in touch with your emotions

10:07yeah is that being emotionally fragile or is that something else i wonder if another word that's come into mind for some reason soft I think it's both possible to be soft and whatever you would consider hard because just in very simple language when I hear the word resilience you have to be hard there's something sort of it's not necessarily stoic but but it's it's sort of that kind of language where you're really fully grounded in yourself your back is straight you're internally up you know whereas the other side of that is maybe maybe there is an element of fragility which is fine i don't i don't think it's a bad thing allowing yourself to be soft allowing yourself to be um to not be as strong all of the time so i i think it's interesting because on one hand you're saying be resilient but then also be the opposite of resilience yeah yeah but it can you can be both there could also be context right yeah it can be context specific behavior so you can be resilient in the sense that when someone um pelt abuse at you in your instagram dms you You have the resilience to not internalize that, not let it destroy your day or your mood and to move on.

11:18But then you can be, I guess, emotionally, you know, then your dog might die. I've got a lovely dog running around somewhere here. My dog might die. And that is real cause for emotional expression and to be emotionally, to be soft and to be open and to feel. Yes. So maybe it's context specific behavior. Yes, I think so. I think so. But again, I think they can both coexist. Oh