Moment 92 - How To Find Out EXACTLY What You Want To Do In Life: Mark Manson

00:04I was watching your conversation with Tom Billion, I found it really, really interesting and important because one of the things you talk about when we're talking about, you know, deciding what you want to do with your life, whether it's a business or you're going to be a pickup artist or whatever it is, is the importance of asking the question why? And in the society and culture we live in, especially one that's so driven by comparison, where your values are almost being handed to you by Instagram and the Kardashians, like this is how, this is what you should value like i almost i've almost felt i remember one day a kid came up to me after i did this like big talk on stage and he said i want to be a public speaker and he was like 17 and you're thinking but you've got nothing like yeah what are you gonna talk about and really what he's saying is like he doesn't want to be a public speaker he wants the admiration he thinks public speakers get probably because he's insecure yeah and and so many kids including myself as a young kid we don't actually know what we want we have no fucking clue but what we probably want is not to be insecure and get laid like at the heart of it and the pursuit of that as you've described

01:06takes us down a dark alley to the wrong place usually a dead end as well so how do i figure out what what i actually want in my life without it being kardashian noise or instagram like what does what what do i want and how do i find out i think so it's a tricky thing right because again I think you kind of have to get it wrong. It's like the relationships. You need to get a couple wrong before you know how to get it right. And I think it's the same in pursuing a career or finding a purpose in life. Like you need to get it wrong a couple times because we're experts at tricking ourselves. You know, it's like that kid, he wants admiration, right?

01:47But if you ask them in his head, he's like, no, no, no. I'm just really passionate about communicating with people. I love people. You know, it's like, we all do that to ourselves. We all like, we find the, the admirable narrative to kind of explain what we're, what we want in the world. So I think you need to go through, you need to hit a couple of dead ends. You know, it's like that kid, he probably should go get on stage and give the speeches and get the applause and then realize that the applause doesn't solve anything, that he's still just as insecure as he was before. Because then once, once he does that, then he'll be ready to ask that question of like, why do I want to do that? Like, why am I really doing this? It's almost a question you have to earn in a lot of ways. Interesting. You know, and I feel like a lot of people, they just want to start there. And it's like, no, no, no, you have to like, cause look, we're all like the Kardashian thing, right? Like, like the reason that stuff is so popular is because we're wired to value it. We're wired to want status. We're wired to want to be beautiful and sexy. And we're wired to want to impress others. Like that's never going to go away.

02:56The question is, is like, what do you want once that is kind of removed from the equation? But I think mentally to be able to remove it from the equation, you have to try to get some of it first and, and, and see that it doesn't work. That makes sense. And what did you come to learn for yourself? Once you got that stuff, you had the money, you had lots of success in the field with pickup artistry and you tried all of these things and you tried the cars and what did you come to learn that you value?

03:28you? Well, I had an interesting experience in my career, which we were joking about it before we went live was like, I kind of had this realization. So I started the pickup stuff when I was like 21, 22. And, and then I started coaching and like teaching dating advice. Um, probably when I was like 23, 24. And I got to like my late twenties and I, it suddenly, it started to dawn on me that like this is cool now, but in like five years, it's going to be really creepy. You know, like it's, it's one thing to be a 25 year old who's like taking a bunch of dudes out to like talk to girls in a club. It's very different to be like a 35 year old guy who's taking out a bunch of dudes to talk to 20 year old girls at a club. Like it just, it's a much different look. And I also just realized I'm like, I don't want to do this forever. Like this is fun, but like I, this is actually not fulfilling in any way whatsoever. Like I need to find what my next thing is going to be. And during that period, when I was doing all the dating relationship advice, I started to realize, especially like a lot of, a lot of clients, a lot of guys who hired me, you know, I'd take them out to the bar and we'd talk to some girls

04:44or whatever. But after a year or two, I realized like what these guys really need is a therapist. you know it's it's their problem you know they're good guys like they're they're smart there's they're like they've got a good job um they're sure they're a little bit nervous talking to a girl but like who isn't what really what they're most of their problems were is like very deep-seated insecurities emotional issues and they hadn't dealt with it yet and so the last couple years i did that job Um, I would kind of just take the guys to the bar as an excuse and then sit down with them and be like, okay, let's like, what's really going on in your life? You know, like, like, let's get into why do you feel so insufficient or, or unworthy of, you know, dating her or talking to her or whatever. And so I, I kind of realized that like, you know, what I should be writing about is this stuff, you know, the, the, like the, the three best first dates are like how to get her to reply to your text every time. Like I was writing stuff like that back then. Cause it, it got traffic and it, it would, it would get sales, but I'm like, that's not what people actually need. That's not what they need to hear. What they need to hear is kind of this deeper

06:02stuff, uh, about self-esteem and self-worth and vulnerability. And, and so I, I made that decision to pivot into that, to stop being the dating coach and, and, and actually start writing about personal development and emotional health, because that's something I knew I could be proud of. And, and I could do for the rest of my life. You know, you, you, you can be a 50 year old, uh, talking about those things and it's still like something you can hang your hat on. Like, but I never would have gotten there if I hadn't done the dating coach stuff.

06:35If I hadn't kind of been obsessed with the, like, yeah, let's go to the club and like try to get laid like you that's the entry point right and then you find the deeper stuff along the way and that's your that's your sort of now your professional um value i guess the one of the things you value professionally but in terms of like holistically when you look at your whole life what are the things where the values at the heart of mark that allow him to be you know fulfilled stable and uh yes sustainable like the sustainable values that you think can last you because of these values i will be somewhat you know content and fulfilled for the next 30 40 years holistically gotcha so i mean the answer it's gonna sound really banal but like um but it's true uh you know i think probably the biggest one for me is is honesty and not just honesty you know, with the, with the people in my life, like honesty is a standard that I hold kind of everybody, all my friends and everybody I work with too. But it's also something I hold myself to being honest with myself. I think generosity is one that I've discovered. Again, it's one of those things that when you do make all the money, like you do make a buttload of money,

07:55you learn that it's so much more fun to spend it on other people than it is yourself. Like it feels so much better and it means a lot more. Like it's, it creates those really powerful moments that you, you do remember for the rest of your life. Whereas the Lamborghini you forget about. Only two seats, right? Yeah, you only got one ass.