Moment 66 - Karren Brady's Secret To A Long Lasting Relationship

00:01Paul, your husband Paul, been together since 1995. I think you met him at Birmingham. Yes. He was like the star player. How's that been, you know, being such a career driven person who's had these fairly all consuming jobs throughout the years? You know, it's funny, there's an interesting thing that happens in the comments section, because I ask every single guest, every single podcast about relationships. It's something I'm just really intrigued by, because I've struggled over the years with my work and trying to balance the relationship.

00:32But when I ask women this, people, again, I understand why they assume that I'm asking it because for the same reasons we've just described, like I'm trying to understand how you can be a wife, but also hardworking. So I just want to put that out there because I see a lot of the questions. But I'm really curious, you know, you've been this pretty relentless entrepreneur for the last three decades, whatever it's been. How has it been to manage a relationship and be that person and a partner while also being the tremendous businesswoman? Well you have to remember that we've been married a very long time and when we first got together Paul's career was much more dominant than mine really and he was traveling around playing at different clubs playing for his country and I was the one staying at home looking after the kids having my career and working around that and he was the one going around and then he retired from football and my career took off a bit and then he became a football manager and I stayed home more with the kids and we sort of we balanced our our lives to give each other the space to do the things that we love that make us rounded individuals I have no jealousy of anything he does and equally to me so for example

01:46Paul, when I'm filming The Apprentice, I don't know how it works on Dragon's Den, but when we film The Apprentice, when it says it's 4am, the voiceover says it's 4am, it really is 4am. And we work 16 to 18 hours a day, seven days a week for five weeks to produce that show without a break. There isn't a day off and it is really hard going. So I always say to Paul, it's much better if he's not there because I want to get up at four o'clock in the morning, have a bath, put the lights on, turn the television on, leave when I want, then get back maybe eight o'clock at night, go straight to bed, ready for a 4am start the following day or whatever it is. So he goes to Canada to see his family because his parents live in Canada and he has a great time with his family and I can focus on what I have to do without any distractions. Because what happens during that period is let's say, he might say, should go out for dinner tonight? And I'll say yes. And then I don't get home because filming's overrun and I'm not home till one o'clock in the morning. And then he's like, oh, you're coming, you're not coming. And I just, it's too much. It's on top of everything else. It's too much. It's much better if I have my space to do what I've got to do. And he has

02:59his space to do what he's got to do. But the one thing that we have in common is we built a great family and we we respect each other we love our kids our kids are our whole life even though they are you know 25 and 23 we everything is about our family and everything we do together is is really important and I have to say if you said to me you got one day left on the earth what would you do with it I'd want to spend it with my husband and my two kids because we have such a great laugh together and we're good friends and there's a real bond of family between us how important is it to be candid because that's kind of what you were describing there being so candid with how you're feeling and what you're going through a lot of people don't have that in relationships oh we're definitely candid we're definitely candid and how important is that do you think i'm asking myself i think it's really important because you can't pretend to be someone you're not it's a bit like in an early part of a relationship I got a friend who's have got an early part of a relationship and the guy she is with likes the opera she cannot stand it but she say oh yes love the opera and I'm like why don't you just say hate the opera I couldn't think of

04:11anything I'd rather do less because when he finds out actually hate the opera and then or you find out you've got to go more to the opera and you're going to resent it why not just be honest from the start say I really can't stand the opera you go you have a nice time let me know what it's like I think it's probably our relationship is not needy so he doesn't need me I don't need him we want to be together but we don't need to be together I don't need to know where he is every minute of the day I don't need to know what his thoughts are on every single thing or everything I do I think if he could have me a little bit more needy probably would but he knows that I'm very self-sufficient and don't need much from anyone um and I think that's again going from boarding school where you're very much on your own you'd like your own company but we we don't we don't there's not a neediness in the relationship where uh like I say to him oh I've been invited to go um to to Buckingham Palace for um dinner with the queen I and it's a white tie so I'm not going to that i'm not a white tie i'm not getting a white tie and he won't come like he's not if he doesn't want to come to anything he won't come uh and i'll say oh i've got this you know thing

05:28do you fancy doing that and he'll say no definitely not or he'll say should we i fancy doing this i'll say no i don't do that so we we very candid with each other and it works for us this is the single biggest mistake i made at the start of my relationship and me and my girlfriend had a conversation and we discussed it was i was saying yes too much to things to try and please because you feel like that's what's needed whereas I came to learn over the years and I literally had this conversation with my girlfriend over the last month that in fact I need to just be honest more regardless of how I think it might impact her because you see you're saying yes when you really want to say no yeah and then you've got this sort of underlying resentment and it's much better to just say no and suffer the consequences yeah definitely versus forever because as you say with the opera i then have to try and live out this life exactly exactly and i think it's important to have your own space and your own friends and do your own thing um you know you're married but you're not joined at the hip and there's of course there has to be a level of mutual respect there and and honesty and trust and all of those things that goes without saying but you're not the same person

06:34and it is okay to have different interests and it is okay my husband is a gym bunny he's professional not athlete he's at the gym morning noon and night i could not think of anything i'd rather do less as you can see i'm not a gym bunny i don't go to the gym i've got no desire to go to the gym this is i'm going to the gym yeah bye and that's it uh and i say i'm going to a board meeting like yeah bye like he couldn't think of anything he'd rather do less but it's we respect each other's space and views and ideas and we don't have to debate every last thing or every last decision um and everything's okay like we we don't worry about anything we don't don't worry about anything we don't sweat about stuff uh you know i don't care if he doesn't pick up his socks interesting the whole world is not going to stop because i've picked up his socks but the i tell you what really is important in a relationship is understanding when other people are under pressure and being there for them and i don't mean being in there with them but I mean just being there for them and doing the things that really matter to them as opposed to big romantic gestures I can't I mean I'm not a flower person I don't particularly like flowers if someone bought me flowers it's okay but I'm not a big

07:53I don't need flowers but my husband used to fill my car with petrol so it was one less thing I had to worry about and it's small things like that that build a foundation because you know that person's there for you even though it's not a big romantic gesture that the whole world can see because that's really not very important to me have you ever done the love languages test thing no i don't even know what it is so i'm not into this kind of woo-woo thing thing but this is actually quite from just 17 magazine or something i don't even know what's here probably it's a series of questions which try to understand how the the type of love indicator that you most appreciate and it tends to be the case that busy entrepreneurial people their their love language is and as is mine is acts of service and it's exactly what you've described the tiny little thing to help in a moment so like helping you pack your luggage when they know you're traveling or just doing that tiny and for me when i did i did the survey with my girlfriend i'll send at you mine was acts of service for me the most meaningful thing someone can do for me in a relationship is exactly what you said it's like yeah help me with a tiny thing that you know yeah but is his

09:00sort of love language per se the same some people's is like touch words of affirmation acts of service or gifts is one of them i think you take any of the above does he get it yes he does no we we uh i think for us the most important thing for us is having a laugh having lots of family and friends that we enjoy their company with and you know it's interesting lots of couples have been married a long time they need lots of people around them to break up you know they have lots of friends over lots of do lots of things big parties and stuff like that though i'll tell you the one thing he does for me every day without fail is he takes a dog for a walk which is very important and he picks up a coffee and he brings it straight to me and that because he knows i cannot start my day without without a coffee and And that's his big love moment every day.

09:56Is there a need to maintain desire when you're sort of two, almost three decades into a relationship? Is there things to do? Is there a strategy to keep it? This is the wrong podcast. That's a different... 50 Shades is the CEO. Exactly. Okay, is that the answer? You've folded your arms. Do you know what I mean? Date nights, I don't know. Is there something that I should be thinking about when I get well I think from our point of view our kids are grown up so every night's a date night for us but I think doing things that are different and unusual I mean we went on this fantastic tour of Thailand where we went all over did really crazy wonderful things that were were really good fun so we try and do more experience-led things but equally we are you know we are prepared to go in our tracksuits and go out to the pub.

10:52I mean, I guess our happy place, if I have to think about happy place, is Soho Farmhouse. That's a real happy place for us. And we tend to try and go one weekend a month and we spend two nights and really don't do anything. Take the dog on long walks, have loads to drink, watch a film, go out to eat lots of food. Just relax. Thank you.