Moment 34 - The Key To Finding True Love: Ali Abdaal

00:03You talked about relationships at the start of this podcast, you said. You said, you, you, I think you alluded to the fact that you hadn't had much luck there when we were talking about knowing you're enough yeah. What's going on? Yeah, this is a real problem. Um, so there's a few like narratives that I've bought into, um, subconsciously one of those narratives is that I am like a weedy nerd kid, this the kid that I was when I was 12 years old and getting slightly bullied in school and getting grades and stuff but like not really have anything, anything, uh. Not being valuable as a human being beyond the fact that I was generating a stars in exams that's like one side of it, there's there's another side but I I'd love to hear your take on what's the other side? The other side is uhm're if we're keeping it real it's like I think it's around.

00:54Masculinity and what it means to be a man, and if one if one were to hypothetically read wiki how articles on how to get girls or even the vast literature on the topic, um there is a big thing of women are attracted to. Men like you know people who are so so someone who is a man, someone who leads someone who's like alpha those sorts of those those sorts of things and I. I think. My kind of default way of being is very not that, and like my idea of fun is singing Disney songs and playing board games until two o'clock in the morning with a pizza takeaway, rather than something that a more like macho alpha type person person would be and so I. On the one hand there's that thing of just be yourself, uh, of be your authentic self, ET cetera, ET cetera, and a girl will like that for who you are, and on the other side it's the, the thing of.

01:47You will objectively get more success with women in inverted commas if you sort of are more of that alpha type personality. and here's the problem you have, yeah. please. on the on the that that particular point before we move on because I'd love to hear what you're going on to say but um you were, you it sounded like you were saying do I be myself and dance around listening to Disney um even though it might return a lower. Quantity of smoking hot potential partners. um. or the alternative to that is do I be a masculine um guy and like act outside of self to generate more smoking hot partners? The issue you have is you've just got to zoom out and you've got to think about the outcome of both approaches and how sustainable both approaches are. All you can be is yourself for a long period of time okay and if you want long long term results.

02:38That's the only option you have, of course, you can act as something you're not and pretend you don't like Disney and not listen, play board games and stuff, and you might meet the wrong person for a short amount of time.

02:51Because and it will be a short amount of time because that relationship will capitulate the minute they find out who you actually are and this is there's you know, um, yeah, this is, this is always for me the answer is you have to be yourself. You have no choice in that, you do have a choice in being able to kill some of those confidence issues which might be self sabotaging at key points in the relationship, where it turns into insecurity and results in jealousy and you know, if you're coming into a relationship thinking why the fuck is this person with me? Yeah, the chance of you exhibiting jealous behaviour and controlling behaviour and manipulative beviour and insecure behaviour and where are you, why haven't you here and why haven't you check me back fast enough and is is high, and for me that will put undue pressure on something that might have worked otherwise. so.

03:34go ahead and work on the the confidence issues, but never ever dare change who you are like the things you intrinsic. Do not change those, do not try and act outside of those because that is that will lead to really short term results and you don't actually want. Be with anyone for 50 years that doesn't want to dance and listen to Disney movies with you. You don't actually want to. Society' is telling you want smoking hot, but you don't actually want that. You won't return joy on that. You'll return status from walking in with a smoking hot model that has no brain. But you won't return joy in the long term, and that is the goal. That's the north star. Does that make sense? It does, yeah. Um. On the note of. Being yourself, the thing that I the the thing that I feel.

04:25I feel, I feel a contradiction is that on the one side there's, there's kind of be yourself and on the other side there's like choose yourself and I. What I what I worry about is what if this person who I am, IE the kind of nice guy who like like enjoys Disney and board games and stuff that's a result of accidental experiences that I haven't really chosen for myself, and should I instead be thinking okay, who's the sort of person I want to be? Well then having having said that, I don't want to be anyone who doesn't sing along Disney songs because it're just great um, yeah. and you sing along to Disney songs not because you're now being forced because you enjoy it. Yeah. it's just genuinely fun. It makes you feel yeah, yeah.

05:06So that's, that's part of the answer to a lot of the things we've discussed before which is going in the direction of the things that make you feel good. Don't suppress things that make you feel good because then you'll feel shit. So if that makes you feel good, that is in as far as I'm concerned, you've explored and exploited as you say and you've and you've and you found something you enjoy and don't sacrifice that for what? Yeah. For a pretty woman to be stood next to you that's not that that trust me will not be enjoyment that'll be status that'll be extrinsic approval right, which is very different from internal fulfillment, so I would never disregard those things, however you can as I've done over the last year and a half sage, you know what it when I look at my values and who I I actually want to be internally my health.

05:48This is what I've done is so foundational to everything and I really managed to almost like hypnotize myself somehow uhm, into knowing that me being in good shape, and me being someone that goes to the gym every day and prioritizes that my health is my first foundation is in line with my happiness, the change in my life, the thing that's put me in the best shape of my life ever was before as I've said in this podcast, me working out was all about women. The minute it became not about women it stuck.

06:19Because, because, um, yeah, for so many reasons. I mean I enjoyed the process and I removed wanting six pack and I I basically don't have any gym goals now whatsoever. My goal is to go every day. It stuck, it became intrinsic, it was for me, um, and now I go every single day and the minute we finish this conversation my pt is waiting for me, and I was went yesterday the day before or' go the day tomorrow, every day. okay. I don't care. I'm not doing it for anyone else so it sticks. interesting. That's why your relationship will fail. If you're with someone that you you're with for external reasons, it won't stick. Okay. Yeah, this makes a little sense.