Johnny Pemberton

00:00Holler back. Let's do it. Here we go. Thank you. Watch it, ring it, pay it, watch it, turn it, leave it, stop, I'm at it. Technologic. Technologic. That's a song that's not really a song. That's strange. It turns into more of a song, but yeah. It starts out just words. Right. Are there electronic words, right? Yeah. So it is sort of a musical note, right? Yeah. Sort of. I mean, it's electronic, right? Yeah. It's instructions. Yeah. It's like digital music, right? I mean, it is, right? It's a sound. It's in harmony. It's music. That's Daft Punk, Punk Technologic. And actually, did you know Daft Punk did the whole new Tron movie coming out? The whole entire soundtrack for it? That's crazy. I love it when that happens. It's kind of interesting now, these digital musicians, because they're legit musicians. And for the longest time, a guy who even played keyboards. You remember when Jump came out for Van Halen?

01:48And everybody was like, what the fuck is all this? That's like electronic bullshit. That's not fucking rock and roll. Well, that's when they put the keytar just to legitimize the... Those guitars and fucking drums and shit that's hard. You feel the echo. The chords actually ring. We won't get food again. It's not. But man, shit has come a long way. Now it's like an art form of itself. Digital music is legit now. It's beeping. That We Want Your Soul song that we've played here before. I fucking love that song, man. That song creeps me out, man. Yeah, it's a good song. Before we go any further, let's introduce our guest. He is Johnny Pemberton. You may have known him or may know him from MTV's Mega Drive, and I'm watching a video of it right now. It's available online. And he gets in some fucking dope-ass orange badass dick mobile. I don't know what it is, but it looks awesome. The sports car? Yeah.

02:46We have to say before we go any further, our podcast is sponsored by The Fleshlight. Have you ever used one of these, fella? I have not. You ever touched one? I haven't touched one. Nobody has had sex with that, so it's clean. Put your finger inside of it. Okay. They're our only sponsor for the show. And they're really nice guys. We hang out with them when we're in Austin. They're fucking great. Chris Marcus, one of the guys who works for the company, has actually been on the podcast. They should make a self-defense version of that. It looks like you can clock somebody with that over the head. It's pretty heavy. It would be better if it was metal instead of a fake pussy substance. That's what to do. Or if you had the container with some sort of shards on the outside of it, you could be... Yeah, I guess, but then that's just a weapon. That's like a cudgel. Then you're going back in time.

03:28If you're going to have something this big, shouldn't you have a gun? Maybe you can't have a gun. I don't know. Guns aren't that cheap. Unless somebody attacks you in bed or something. That's true. But a lot of people sleep with a gun under their pillow. Talk about having some fucking crazy dreams. That's crazy. How about that? That would suck. Roll over in your sleep and you feel the cold gun. You're like, oh, yeah, it's under my pillow. I'm paranoid about having a gun in my house just because if I come home too stoned or drunk one day, I'm like, hey, guns. I can't imagine having it in bed when you're half asleep. Can you get that stoned? Well, I mean, drunk and stoned together, I guess. Yeah, that's not a good combo. It's like you're enlightened and you're sure of it. Right. I'm scared I'll, like, shoot somebody. That is what it is, right?

04:06Drunk and stoned is like you're enlightened and you're arrogant about it. It's like you're tuned into the universe and you want everybody to know, come on, man. I got this going. I'm fucking tuned in. So what was this orange car that I'm watching you drive, this fucking insane sports car? That is a Spiker C8 Laviolette. It's like a custom-made sports car. costs like $300,000 or something like that. God damn. It's like the whole inside is bespoke. And it was really nice. It was the kind of thing where I was, one of the few things I was really afraid to drive because unlike a $300,000 scoop loader or something, those things are meant to get dirty and kind of kick it. But this thing, I sat on the hood of it, and afterwards it was like, you could have destroyed that car just now because it's aluminum. It's made of aluminum, yeah. You can't sit on someone's hood when they've got a $300,000 car.

04:54Well, I didn't sit on it, sit on it. I'm looking at you right now, son. You're laying on it. I was evenly distributing my weight. Oh, you're like a geisha. Yeah, exactly. You wouldn't even crush a pea. I was laying upon it. It's like the princess and the pea. That's how it was. Remember that story? He sort of chastised me for that because I guess even a dent would mean we'd be paying for it. Yeah, man. You can't be fucking with a car like this. You're supposed to drive it gingerly. Did you go off the track at all? We did. He was driving and we tried to do this stunt where we pulled it onto a moving red carpet where you might be able to see it in a second. I'm watching you put nails out for somebody. That was for my car. We had him race my car, which is a 1990. It's a 2001 Honda Accord. Why did you have him blow out your tires? Oh, because why not, I guess, you know. Just for a TV show? Yeah, it's not like it's...

05:39That shit's dangerous, though, isn't it? He's a professional driver. Oh, okay. He had it. But he had no idea that you were going to do that to him? And it was really your car? He had some idea something was going to happen. Oh, okay. Yeah. So he knew. They sign away everything. Of course, yeah. That's what they did on Fear Factor, too. You have to sign away everything. So tell me the premise of the series, because I'm seeing you right now. You got to drive this killer car, and then you fuck up your car. It's pretty simple, the premise. One of those things where it's very simple, but it's also kind of hard to explain. As soon as people see it, they're like, oh, I get it right away, as soon as I see the video. But basically, I travel around the country, and I drive or fly or go inside of different sort of weird vehicles, like submarines or tanks, stunt planes, fighter jets, anything like that,

06:23all kinds of weird stuff. And I meet the guys who own or operate or have built these things, and I kind of get to know them, get to know the vehicle, and then I learn how to drive. Well, you're driving this $300,000 car I'm watching now. You guys are driving it up a ramp onto a moving truck. Yeah, that's where we almost crashed. Oh, my God, I'm watching it right now. It went sideways and spun out. Yeah, and he was freaked out. That was about, oh, man, that was so close. Yeah, ever. Not only that, the fucking ramp had a carpet on it. The carpet's sliding. We're trying to drive it on a moving red carpet. That is ridiculous. Well, that's the big point of the show. It's like we do all these things that you're not supposed to do with these vehicles. So it's like Top Gear for retards. Yeah. I don't know about for retards. Not for retards. For me. Yeah. My kind of retard.

07:05Not retarded like real Down syndrome, but retarded like I'm a retard. And the whole idea is that I really have no... I'm not a good driver. I'm not a professional driver. I only know I'm doing it all. You must be getting better All this driving I'm getting better I feel like I can operate During these zombie apocalypse I'll be able to jump into One of 36 different vehicles And operate them To plow I think on a racetrack Like this Like what you're here right now This looks like a fucking Fun place to drive a fast car It was pretty fun Having a fast car on the street Is kind of stupid You know Because if you crashed Into somebody God you feel like Such a douche bag Yeah you can't open it up either You can't really let it Let it out Right but having something Like this like you've got Here on this track That must be so much fun I need to do that That's something you need to do You could probably easily do that

07:44You can rent a track. Yeah. And you just rent a car? Right. They let you run out of your Porsche or something? Or you bring your own car. Yeah. I want to get like a nice Honda Civic, just ready to die Honda Civic. I can just destroy it. Just drive it to death. Now, you look like such a nice young man. You look like a very friendly, not violent, not crazy person. I'm a friendly guy. I'm a friendly guy. But you like to smash it. I am. There definitely is a... You don't necessarily get what you see with me. So a lot of people are shocked when I Say fuck or something like that So wait, who? What are you? So it's kind of cool for you Hosting this show Yeah, it's really great because to me it's You know, I'm a stand-up comedian and stuff So that's what I do normally Would be doing anyways is just running my mouth Right And being a smartass, which is kind of the What I do on this show Essentially

08:37We're actually doing a show tomorrow night together Yeah, we are, at the Hollywood Improv Yeah. This is like the ultimate promo show right here. For the Hollywood Improv. Yeah. It'll probably be sold out. So if you want tickets, you've got to jump on that shit. They sell that place out every week. They have this thing called Comedy Juice. If you're ever in Hollywood and you're around on Wednesday nights, there's a 10 o'clock show at the Improv. Very good. And they get some of the best comics in the world. Yeah, tomorrow is Natasha Leggero, Brent Weinbach. I don't think who else is doing it. They're both amazing. Yeah, there's a lot of good talent in Hollywood. and they need to work shit out, and that's where we usually go. Wednesday night at that place is a good place to work shit out. Yeah, that's where I always go on Wednesdays. I always want to, whenever I go on the road, if I have to do a weekend,

09:21if we do a bunch of shows, I always want to knock the dust off first. I always want to do a Wednesday night show. That, to me, my shows always go better when I do something like that. So the improv is perfect for that. That's a great place to fuck around. Yeah. Better like a bar, a random bar. Yeah, these fucking, the problem with these bar places, like these bar comedy shows that people are doing, Is it still a bar, man? Freddy Soto said it best. God bless his soul. He was, when he was like, God bless his soul, that Freddy. Sounded like my grandmother. He was an awesome dude. What else can you say? He's a great guy. He passed away years ago. But he would get offered all the time to do these comedy clubs. Like, not comedy clubs, rather, but a comedy show. A comedy night at McFuckle Hut Bar down the street. And he would say, no, thank you. I appreciate the offer, but, you know, I only do comedy clubs.

10:09that's really the really way you should do it you know it would be nice I mean I wish I could say that but I mean I feel like I owe a lot of my comedy to doing the learning how to do comedy in the worst place in the whole fucking universe which is the Big Fish Bar and Grill in Glendale which we used to do a show a friend Doug did a show there every every single Tuesday and this was like this was a total locals bar anyone who walked in there who was doing anything other than who was if you didn't know if they didn't know you they're like look at you like you're crazy let alone a fucking comedy show where half the comedians are open micers and stuff and so it was really that was like being purified through pain for like two years so i feel like there's nothing uh that is a good point i went there one once for a show and i that's the only time i've ever been to this place and uh

10:56like tim and tim and eric did a set yeah well and i didn't character yeah they didn't this was like three years ago four years ago right that's how i know them i met them because because they used It's to be hosted by Doug, who's one of my best friends, Doug Lessenhop in Denver. And Doug works on the Tim and Eric show. He's the editor and writer of the show. So it's sort of like – It's all coming together now. Yeah, hangout zone for them. Cool. So this Mega Drive show that you do, you've actually done fighter jets too. And you puked, didn't you, when you did it? I didn't puke in the fighter jet because it was the second thing we flew. The first thing was a stunt plane that did like – you can do every possible thing in the air. It doesn't seem possible. Even – he let me fly it too. He's like, here, you have the stick, you have control So I'm sitting there, like, really? He's like, yeah, just pull back

11:40You pull back and you literally just does a loop, no problem It's easier than a video game But I did throw up in that thing all over the place I did a loop in F.A. 18 I did a whole run, a ride with the Blue Angels It was one of the bits that I did in one of my past specials was about it About how fucking crazy the experience is But that ultimately pussy's better No reason to really fly that fast Yeah, because... You know, there's other shit you could do here that's way better. It's scary, but it's not like the same thing. It's pretty intense, though. Yeah. The physical demands. That's what freaked me out. I always thought, for some reason, that it was like driving a car. I know. You know, that you just kind of steer and you hit the gas. And, you know, you never really get that far or that fast where there's a lot of G-force on your body. I mean, even if you really stop the gas, what is that?

12:25Like, a tenth of your body weight coming at you? Like, wow, it really threw me back in my seat. You don't even know what throw you back in your seat is until you're in, like, a fucking fighter jet. Right. It's insane. A 6G turn where you can't even move your arms and you have to do that, like the special breathing signal pass out. I think I got to 6 1⁄2 or 7Gs before I couldn't take anymore. That's the line right there. But it's good because I'm short because fighter pilots are supposed to be under 6 feet tall because the amount of pressure for them, it's so intense because the blood has to travel further to their brain. So they black out quicker. You do a thing called hooking, and this is what you really do. You hold on to your seatbelt or you hold on to the stick, and you go like this. and you're forcing blood into your face. You're forcing it into your head. You're going, and this plane's going,

13:12the fucking pressure is insane. And it literally is like closing an elevator door. It's like your consciousness, you can see it black on both sides. I felt a little bit of that. You're fighting it off. This guy could go to 13 G's, the fighter pilot. That's fucking incredible. He goes to 13 G's without a pressure suit. They have suits where he can go more G's, but he wasn't wearing a G suit. The Blue Angels don't wear them, or they didn't at the time. Those little Red Bull racer planes, those things pull like 20 Gs regularly. How do you stay conscious? I don't get it. I mean, I think Sky B is part of the G suit. It's the training. It's all the same thing. I don't know how you stay conscious. That's retarded. I went unconscious accidentally because there was more Gs than I expected. I did the higher thing, but then when we were coming in, we pulled this really hard one,

13:58and I don't know how many Gs it was when I blacked out. Really? Yeah. How long were you out for? Like a second. Wow. I don't know. It wasn't long, but it was like, whoa. That's a crazy blackout to come back from. Like, whoa, what happened? What? He said I just went out for a couple seconds, but I felt it. Like, I felt popping back on, you know, when the G-force leveled out. But it's because I didn't do the hooking thing. Did they do any of those 1G barrel rolls? We did everything. We did loops. We did this. We strafed this. There's, like, this mountain canyon, and he simulated what it would be like if you were in Afghanistan. fan or shit so this is actually before the war this is like 99 and uh he's simulating what it would be like he goes so we're only about 200 300 feet above the ground you cool with that man i'm like three 300 feet that's a lot right we're good right all right come on let's do this

14:44before you know it this guy's fucking this guy's like straight top gun he's like one of those real guys you know real fucking fighter pilot they're all crazy like that we're going into the mountains going around these fucking that shit's cool 200 feet above the ground man whipping through It was so crazy. And then they have these targets. They do it out in the desert between Vegas and L.A. And they have these targets all laid out on the ground where they practice dropping shit on. So other, you know, at this Air Force base, other fighter jets, you know, the Blue Angels, I don't think they drop bombs. Yeah, they're just ex-fighter pilots. Yeah, but so they have, like, practice ranges, man. They're fucking dropping bombs out there in the desert. Like dummy bombs, you know, working on their accuracy. There's one thing when I was in the, this is like a Czechoslovakian fighter jet called an L-39.

15:30He can do this barrel roll where they keep it at gravity. So there's no – they do it just enough to where it's the same amount of gravity you would feel on Earth even though you're upside down. Wow. So you feel like you could throw a ball in the air and it would come back down. It's the same as on Earth because he's – What? It's some sort of very regimented type of barrel roll where you're pulling out. You know that whole theory like in space stations? So you're completely upside down but because of the momentum of the plane going down. Right. You can be upside down and throw a ball up and it will come back. Right, right to your hand. I mean, they have to keep the roll going to maintain it. It's like, you know those spaceship designs with the giant wheel where they spin just enough to keep gravity on the outer rim? It's like, that's in 2001, isn't it? I think I've seen that. I think it's basically that.

16:14It's like centrifugal force or something like that. That's amazing. That was so cool. That was really cool. Just the fact that someone figured that you could do that and then they tried it out and then they figured out exactly how to pull it off. And in formation. Upside down, throwing something up in the air, and it comes right back to you, just as if you were right side up. Wow. That's fucking nuts. It was cool. I fucking, I don't know if I would be, I don't have enough self-control to be doing a show like that. I would do something stupid. I did take a couple of shits in the woods when I had to. When you had to? Yeah, that's about it. And you've wrecked a few things, though. You've actually have, MTV has, they have their full episodes on MTV, but they also have like this whole thing where the things you've wrecked. Would you wreck? I mean, like wreck wrecked, I guess it's kind of different levels.

17:02The very first day we shot was – Is that like rape rape? Yeah. I don't know. I mean, it was just the head. It wasn't like the full – No, wreck wrecked. And it didn't destroy anything. Nothing was like destroyed, like, okay, it's totaled. But the very first day I crashed an aerial atom, that was totally by accident because I was trying to, you know, go a little faster, Johnny, on this curve so it looks better. I'm like, okay, fine. What's an Ariel Adam? It's this little race car. It's an open air. It's basically a fucking go-kart with a really big Honda engine in it that goes... What? They're so sick. It's so fast. It's tiny. It's a cage. Just basically a cage around wheels. It's ridiculous. And they have exposed all the suspension and everything is exposed. So it's just the wheels and these rods and shit and this little cone of a body. It's super fast. There's nothing there. Yeah.

17:47And it goes like 060 faster than any street legal car. Did you hurt yourself doing that? No. It was super... I mean, so lucky. It's only a total stroke of luck where I happened to hit the very last few inches of the warning guard that has a bunch of tires stacked up. So we ran into these tires, which are soft and cushiony, but just a few. It was inches. The wheel got hung up inches away from where it would have smashed into this big metal galvanized steel guardrail. Wow. Yeah. That would have fucked you up too, right? In that little thing? We're only going like 30 or 40, but it probably would have fucked us up a little bit. At least I would have fucked the machine up and I would have been sort of in trouble. So you get in trouble if you crash, but you're not supposed to know what you're doing. That's the thing. It's like I don't get in trouble.

18:31It's actually like MTV gets in trouble, but the producers are like, thank you. Thank you for doing that. Really? So they're happy there's controversy because that'll get more people to watch it. Yeah, it's more fun when stuff happens. Do they give you instruction? Like, hey, don't get crazy. Go out there and do this. Or what do they say to you? I mean, in general, it's sort of like just have fun but try not to kill anybody. So they have meetings with you? Like, all right, Johnny, I want to make sure we're all on the same page here. We have safety meetings. It's like, these are where the cameras are going to be. These are where, you know, you don't go over there. I'm always on walkie for the most time. So it's pretty safe. At the same time, it's also Wednesday. That sounds like a cool last show, though. Yeah, it was incredibly fun to make. It was also really scary sometimes.

19:12It sounds like a more interesting idea than the Top Gear show. I love that show. I think that Jeremy Clarkson guy is hilarious. Yeah, he's really great. I guess there's an American version of it that's coming out. Yeah, they're making one now. But Jeremy Clarkson is so awesome. I don't know why you would need to make an American version. But the point is that he's at his best when he's reviewing crazy cars. But they have to review a lot of shit, like normal cars. They spend a lot of their time reviewing trucks and shit. and this is a minivan and here's why it's silly. That's not interesting to me. I want to see him in Ferraris. When he's in Ferraris, it's awesome. He's screaming. The guy legitimately, he's in his 50s, legitimately loves cars. You can so sing it. He's singing it when he's in the car. He's yelling out. He loves it. It makes it fun. People love anything that goes forward on wheels at all.

20:06They freak out about it. We went to this rally in, where was it? like someplace in Florida, Tarpon Springs, Florida, I think. And they have these swamp buggies. I've never seen this in my life. They look like a giant rocket. We'll have these flat wheels on each side, and they can go 70 miles an hour in like four feet of standing water. Wow. And they go, like, what the fuck? There's like thousands of people here, thousands of rednecks going crazy in these campgrounds around this mud bog, and they have all these different heats and races. There must be like a couple hundred, maybe at least a hundred of these things there. I've never even heard of it in my entire life yet. This is like someone's life. You want to spend $200,000 on this thing. This is not so far removed from some sort of a fucking scene in the Hobbit movie. Oh, yeah.

20:54You stumble upon some strange village of a bunch of weirdos doing something that no one ever expected. I felt very out of place there. I had like some, yeah, I was just constantly, I felt like the hills have eyes. It's always like people looking at me like, look at that boy down there. We're going to cut him up. We got a bagging on the march around here. I felt a little bit intimidated. There's a lot of those people out there. Oh, yeah. That's what people don't realize because they're not represented that well in the media, but there's a fucking lot of them. There's more than us. Yeah, most likely. Totally. Yeah, right? Yeah. Well, that was where I got an accident during that shoot, actually. I was driving this little weird, different kind of mud buggy. It doesn't go as fast. and the thing doesn't have brakes. By some special invention of the clutch and gas, you can downshift to make it stop,

21:42but I totally forgot that. I was leaving the water, and I smashed right into this guy's brand new F-350 or something like that. Brand new. I smashed right into it. All of a sudden, people started coming out of the woods. They're like, what did this guy do over here? Get a rope. New York City, get a rope. I thought I was going to get lynched on these redneck campgrounds in Florida. but luckily I got do you have like bodyguards or any kind of security on the staff to just in case help you not at all I mean there's PAs and stuff obviously but who knows if they would be able to stop the redneck mob that wanted to destroy me for hitting the truck but everything worked out you know we settled up with them and everything but it was a little scary for about 15 seconds I was like this is I'm strapped into this thing god damn dude I think that's on next week's episode I'm pretty sure, yeah.

22:32Was that the most freaked out you ever were? No, I think it's the most freaked out. It was probably with this crane. Yeah. Okay. That's a good preface with that. The crane, there's like a man basket or a man bucket. They call these, the thing, you know, like the cherry picker. Yeah. To send the guy up to wherever. So this is a cherry picker. It's like, you know, 10 times as high. Fuck. How high? Well, this thing can go like 1,000 feet or something like that. But I wasn't that high. Dude, there was a video of these Russian kids. Have you seen that video of these kids 900 feet on this building construction? They're walking out on these beams. Yes. Are those like the parkour kids kind of or no? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. These are just kids that were just standing there. It was so high up, they were just standing. And they're standing on these beams.

23:18And you can't watch it without making a walnut crushing motion with your asshole. You know, you just tighten up. I'm like, oh, my God, just watching the video is such a fucking freak out. I've seen a video like that where it was either hiking or bike riding on these small paths on the side of this mountain. And the guy had a cam on him where he's just walking thousands and thousands of feet up. And then you could just see holes in the stone thing that he's just like. Oh, my God. I forget that. There's something about heights that really, really freaks people out. It's like nature's trying to tell you, hey, stupid, don't go anywhere fucking near that. You can't get used to it. I mean, you can get used to it. But if you are used to it, there's something weird about that. You've got issues, son. Yeah. There's something wrong with you. I could look out the window of the second floor and I'd get scared.

24:00Yeah, that's terrifying. So you were higher than that. So this was at 900 feet. Were you that high? There was two different things. I was about maybe 200 feet when I was in this Peter Pan costume. And I was like flying over this lumber yard fucking with people. And I also did this thing where I pretended to be a guy who worked there. And I kept descending from the roof taking people's receipts. And there are different things. And just, you know, it was like a little kind of drop-in maneuver in the exit of the building. That was fun. 200 feet. Yeah, but that was in a harness with an invisible cable. So that was pretty fucking scary. Are those comfortable at all? It was really uncomfortable. I feel like it would be a serious ball crusher. It wasn't as much a ball crusher as it was like a chest and body crusher. Really? And also, it feels nice, though, when it's tight.

24:47Because if it's not tight, it's like, you know, you can't feel anything. Fuck, that has to be so crazy. So you're just wearing some suit with wires attached to the suit. Yeah. And it's connecting you to how long is the wire? The wire, I mean, I don't know, probably 100 feet or so. Fuck. 100 feet of wire and you're 200 feet above the ground. Yeah, something like that. I mean, I would drop down to the ground and stuff. But at one point, I was pretty hot. Maybe not 200 feet. It's tough to say because it's 60 feet and 200 feet. They're all kind of the same because you're all pretty much going to die if you fall. So it's like your brain stops carrying after a certain point, I think. We used to do these stunts on Fear Factor where we would have these people walk across beams across two buildings. And to this day, thinking about looking over those edges, just thinking about it.

25:32Every now and then I'd look over the edge. Just thinking about that right now makes my whole body go, What the fuck are you doing? Get away from there. It's so unnatural. It's such a primal feeling. It's your body going, no, stupid. Get away from there. Anytime I'm in a hotel over a certain amount of floors, it's just freaky. I cannot do that shit I like it though I think it's kind of I enjoy it but I like being scared You enjoy the rush? Yeah I like freaking this shit out myself Are you a daredevil with other things? Do you do like skateboarding or anything other any other crazy No condom? Not really Only in me Right I used to do a lot of rock climbing stuff as a kid and bungee jumping and crap but Oh yeah? I feel like honestly I feel like when I started doing comedy that like sort of I stopped doing that stuff because I feel like comedy is one of the best

26:21best rushes there is yeah like that's way better than almost anything and it'll only kill your soul right yeah it won't kill your body i saw a video of a dude bungee jumping once and that was it for me he miscalculated the amount of bungee he needed and he hit the fucking ground hard did he die no it was even worse than dying because his whole body was just broken and he's screaming in agony and then he bounces and hits it again. Fuck. And then he's screaming in agony. He's just broken. Broken arms, broken leg. I mean, he hits this motherfucker hard. He hits rocks. He's wearing a camera. Oh, shit. So it's all on camera. Well, at least they got it on camera. It's horrendous. Just the pain that this guy's feeling, you can tell when he hits a second time, because he's already broken everything in his fucking body on the first one, because the bungee cord didn't really break. He basically jumped off a bridge,

27:10and it really didn't stop him at all. So this motherfucker slams the ground with three quarters of whatever velocity that you would normally have. So he's jacked. Everything's broken. He bounces up in the air. And then when he hits it again, the, oh, my God, why me? He said that? No, but you could feel that. You know what I'm saying? It's like, no, why? They're telling you how. Bang! And that was it for me. I was like, no bungee jumping, thank you very much. This woman that worked with my dad a while back was always trying to get him to do skydiving. And then so he was actually considering it until she died. Oh, my God. She died skydiving. Yeah, the parachute malfunction, and then I guess the backup parachute tangled in with the other parachute or something, and she just died. She died of a cliché. Yeah. God damn, that's fucking scary. How often does that happen?

27:57I think it happens a lot more than you think, because you would think you would hear about that on the news if that was to happen. Everybody's like, yeah, you got two parachutes. What are you worried about? Right. Oh, nothing. Just falling from 10,000 feet slowly. I did bungee jumping in Switzerland once and it was in the mountains in this chasm a chasm over this freezing cold river it's off a little bridge and it was going to do this it was my birthday it was my friend we're traveling so I did it it was fucking awesome I found out afterwards though we were talking to the guy the guy who ran the whole operation he was like yeah so how long how long has this set up been here he's like eight days fucking eight days we're like maybe like in the the tens of people who've been off this thing wow we tested it out a lot we tested it out a ton we put like body armor on stuff and like oh my god and then he

28:50said like this is the closest jump at that time in existence that uh you came closest to the rocks in any other bungee jump oh that seems like a good idea but i wish i'm glad i learned it afterwards not before it oh my god it was still great that was incredible and there's a great picture of me you know how you're supposed to like do this with your hands as you go down somehow instinctively i'm just grabbing my fucking balls and even i'm head down grabbing my balls that's the picture of me bungee jumping wow yeah that's fucked up hey john or joe here's a fun fact about johnny he does not have a butthole i have a butthole oh you but you got it removed no jesus christ you got this all wrong that right there someone edit this someone cut and paste this somewhere this is the classic Brian moment. Well, I think... This is how Rumors Get Started. I've never heard that in my entire life.

29:41That's pretty incredible. Remember that song, Rumors? This is how Rumors Get Started. Started by jealous people. It should say jealous people and Brian. Because Brian would just start making shit up. Well, what I said is I don't have a colon. I don't have a colon. I do have a sphincter and everything works fine. You don't have a colon? I don't have a colon. I had an ulcerative colitis for about 10 years or so. Maybe a little more than that, I guess. Yeah, about 10 years. and if you have ulcerative colitis which is like a horrible disease of your colon your large intestine it's like it makes it all uh so you have to shit all the time and like really fast and it's just generally bad wow so i had that for a long time but if you have ulcerative colitis for a long time the thing is the longer you have it the more chance the chances of you getting

30:24colon cancer like triple every single year so the idea is that you you get it taken out and then uh it's better because you don't have this fucking shitty, shitty organ. The puns are limitless. So how does it change the way your body functions, the way your digestive system works? I mean, basically, it changes a lot of things, but it doesn't change that much from how it was before because it's actually a lot better. I still poop out of my asshole, but I just get dehydrated probably faster than I do. How rude if you describe it that way. Isn't it funny that there's rude ways to say things like that? I guess I could say this. I still defecate from my anus. I still pass stool from my anal sphincter muscle. So where does it go? What's the primary use? I'm ignorant. The primary use of your colon is, one, to extract water, hydrate you. So it extracts water for your body, which your body needs water.

31:21It also extracts a lot of vitamin D, I think vitamin A, maybe something else. and generally just aids in digestion, like extracting the stuff from your food that your body uses. So it's not necessary to have, obviously, because I'm still alive right now. But it definitely is a good thing to have if it works. I mean, I'd probably go to the bathroom. I've probably been to the bathroom more in my life than you guys will ever in your entire fucking life. So how often do you take dumps? Depends. It depends. It depends on what I eat and how much I've been drinking. What's the average number a day? God I don't know It's so hard to think About this Because it's like so Dude if you say for like 50 I'm just gonna No no no Maybe like I'd say probably In the middle of this show To take a shit It'll be so awkward I'll probably I'll do it for you If I Might be able to Drum something up I just want to be clear about this

32:09If you're doing it You're doing it for you Yeah Okay I won't I won't take a shit For you guys I promise Oh man I'm gonna take a shit for you Yeah Guys I got I got a good one Ready to go I'm gonna take a shit And it's just for you It's got your name on it I'm going to write your fucking name. I bet there's probably someone out there that would say something like that. There's a guy, you know? Probably, yeah. Once I've met a guy like Joey Diaz, I know that there's guys out there that you could never – you couldn't draw them. Right. Yeah. Yeah. They exist. He's an interesting guy. He's as interesting as they come. So now where your colon was before, do you have a hole? Like do you feel there's a place missing or does everything sort of fill in? No. Yeah, it all kind of fills in. Your body just sort of like – it's like a sack of flour. Everything just settles at the bottom, I guess.

32:50Whoa, that's a weird way of looking at your body. I did have a colostomy bag for like 12 weeks. Phew. You have to have two surgeries. You have them, they have to separate them because they have to take everything down and they have to build, basically they have to build you a fake colon. Wow. In my case, it's called the J-Pouch and that's not because my name is Johnny. It's actually called the fucking J-Pouch, ironically enough. That's your pet name. Yeah, my J-Pouch down there. That's what she is. That's my pet name from my synthetic colon. That's Jenny. old jenny the j-pack jenny tell you what jenny takes a lot of shit down there she does but a lot of people would say man it's kind of degrading shitting on a girl like that but i don't see it like that we're helping each other she's helping me i'm helping her it's nothing degrading about this just nature just just you know it's a symbiotic relationship

33:37it's like a clown fishing and anemone um i i only met one person ever that had one of those and it was very strange yeah they are incredibly strange it's the kind of thing where it's the most bizarre thing ever and um there's people who live with them that's that their life is they have a colostomy bag and those kind of i just can't like for me it was always like this is you know one more week two more you know sort of thing so it was pretty easy to bear and i was it just uh you know it was it was pretty young i was living at home so i was like didn't have to worry about anything but god damn if you had to actually do shit with that if you had to actually now did you after you had these all these health issues did you radically alter your diet did you try to start eating healthier food or try to yeah i mean well the thing is it's like with colitis even you

34:23have to like be careful because your body isn't like digesting almost anything so really do you have like a very limited menu you can eat i don't eat really spicy stuff i i take a lot of fiber i'm very uh i can i can consult on fiber for an hour you can have me on here as a fiber consultant maybe really yeah so i think fiber is very important um it's very important for everybody right and it's super important like a lot of lettuce and a lot of like broccoli and i take these like awesome shits they're so satisfying they just come out like ah it's your body thinking so easy but if i just eat like nothing but meat for days super bad yeah it just comes out like just like your body's trying to push out poison like because it is poison yeah just ribs barbecued ribs and sausage and shit like before the show i came so close there's an

35:12Italian deli not too far away from here that has this amazing sausage sub, sausage with peppers. And I know it's terrible for you. It's terrible for you. It smells so good. And you can't get those here in California. This place is called Cavaretta's if you're in the valley. There's no place like that on the West Coast. You don't get like real Italian subs, like a real sausage with peppers, with grilled peppers. Peppers and eggs? Oh, you're fucking kidding me, son. That's an East Coast thing. Peppers and eggs, yeah. Peppers and eggs. I had a buddy who was from New York. Peppers and eggs. You can't get peppers and eggs here, John. You can't get peppers and eggs. It's true. It doesn't seem very good to me, though. Peppers and eggs is probably the worst thing I could possibly eat. Yeah. Terrible for you. Hot peppers and eggs. Do you try to consume your nutrients in juice form? Do you try to drink a lot of juices?

36:01I don't know. I try to eat a lot of dried fruit and a lot of oatmeal and a lot of whole grain pancakes. So you're just all about super fiber shit. Yeah, but at the same time, I'm also really bad. I eat all kinds of horrible stuff, and it's always this idea where, well, I know this is going to make me feel like shit, but it's like, whatever. I'm not going to – everything has a consequence, I feel like. I knew this dude who had diabetes, and he would every now and then, he would go off and eat crazy sugar and have just this fucking horrible insulin failure moment. See, that's different. You can kill yourself with that. I'm not going to kill myself if I eat hot wings. Dude would just go off every now and then. Just couldn't take it. Just go off and just jack his body. Go off the rails. Just fill it up with the delicious poison. Did your farts change at all? That's actually a great question, Brian.

36:52I'm glad you brought that up. That was a great question. He was fucking dead serious, folks. Farts. Dead serious. Really, I don't actually do a lot of farting anymore because it's one of those things where if your bowels have been sort of operated upon or messed with in any way like that, you kind of lose the ability to tell shit from a fart. So in general, you typically just choose not to fart. Oh my God. Then roll the dice of it. Wow. You don't know when farts are coming. That's crazy. I do and I don't. I do and I don't. That might be the most difficult thing to describe ever to someone who knows exactly what you're talking about is that feeling that you have where you know the difference between shit and a fart. I know the difference. I don't always know. I had the problem the other... I think I already talked about it on the podcast once. As a joke, I was in front of my girlfriend.

37:40I put my hand there and I farted in my hand. You shitting your hand? And I shit in my hand. I was like, excuse me. I'll be right back. Oh, wow. And it was supposed to be as a joke. And then she knew exactly what happened. And I did it in front of her completely naked. So hilarious. You shitting your own hand. I'll tell you what. The people who have the best shitting stories in the whole world are anyone who's ever done the Peace Corps in Africa. Oh, not even talking about this. Those people, I've never heard such crazy things in my entire life. I read a horrible story on MixedMartialArts.com. There's two forums on MixedMartialArts.com. One of them is the underground, which is all MMA type stuff. The other one is the other ground. And the other ground is like anything, any subject. And one of the stories was about this poor couple that went to Africa. And they were in Cape Town.

38:26They were in this really nice area. But the girl wanted to go see the real Africa. Oh, no. That's the bad, bad phrase. Yeah, that's what she did. She saw the real Africa. They went, and they went into this town, and they got carjacked. And they kicked the driver and the man out of the car, kept the woman, and then they shot her in the head. Oh, so they killed her? They killed her. Oh, God. Yeah, and they found out that the driver was in on it. Oh, of course. That the driver called ahead and set it up. Wow. And that they weren't supposed to, I don't know if they were supposed to kill her or not. He says they weren't, but. That's weird. Why would they kill her? I think they would at least rape her first. Well, they were saying, at first they were saying that they thought she was sexually assaulted. But then they kept saying that she wasn't sexually assaulted.

39:06But that could easily be they don't want people to know that she was sexually assaulted. So they're not releasing all the information, you know, out of respect to the girl's family or something like that. Right. You know, it's a public release. I don't know. The whole thing is fucking crazy, though. The whole thing is, you know, that part of the world is completely wild. And I don't think a lot of people are aware of it. Yeah. The idea that the apocalypse is going to happen and it's going to be some giant event that takes place. Like, boom, here's the apocalypse. No, the apocalypse sort of is us being aware of how fucked up parts of this world are. Like horrific horror movie, John Carpenter zombie type shit. That's what Africa is. There's parts of Africa, like Liberia. We talked about this on the show before, where there's rampant cannibalism. There's this VBS.TV documentary, The Vice Guide to Liberia.

39:56And it will make you shit your fucking pants. They're talking about killing children and drinking their blood. They killed the blood of the innocent children to make them immortal in their own war. It's this creepy, crazy thing. Dude, that place is a goddamn monster movie. Yeah, there's so many places like that in Africa. There's this guy, David Axe, who's a war correspondent. He's traveled all over the fucking world, basically in every conflict zone you can possibly imagine. He has this great graphic novel called War is Boring. But it's all about going to these areas like that and just turning a corner and having a Jeep with a machine gun on it coming right at you, and they're ready to kill you. And they're children, too, half the time. Sixteen-year-old kids with Kalashnikovs ready to shoot you in the face. Yeah, that was the premise of the character in the movie Lost.

40:43Remember there was that one kid that grew up to be that big black preacher guy, remember? Right, Echo. Yeah, Echo, exactly. When he was a kid, he was killing people and shit. speaking of loss have you heard have you heard of these tones that they use like spies and stuff oh right we're talking about the Conant Numbers Project yeah what is this you guys were going to tell me about this before the podcast but then it was one of those let's save it let's save it let's save it so what is this explaining I'm sorry well I mean as far as I know while reading about it is it's during the Cold War they would use shortwave radio stations because shortwave radio can travel all around all around the world if you have like the clouds are right and everything so they would like they would send signals to their spies in bed in the field using shortwave radio like one-time shortwave radio

41:27broadcasts and they'd have like some sort of a code book on the receiving end to to to decipher these and they would like loop it yeah you know kind of like on lost how they had that transmission where that was just continuously looping like the numbers and stuff like that so somebody somebody recorded all these there's hundreds of them there's hundreds and they're creepy as yeah some of them sound like like oh they're incredible we should play this one here's one here's one as an example and that and this is like kill the president kill the president kill the president you know some of them are just tones and some of them have numbers where it's like 7 24 yeah and sometimes it's yeah and what is the effect on the human brain is it supposed to do something to people. I listened to him the other day when I was kind of high and it was, I was having, it was, I felt like, just the tones of it.

42:27I feel like it's because the shortwave radio is like a smaller frequency. It's not as big of a frequency so it's something like about some of the tones, to me they sound better. There was a thread that somebody put on my message board about Wi-Fi affecting the growth of trees. Oh my God. Did you see that? Yeah. That's scary. They're saying that The trees that are near Wi-Fi were developing like this coating, like the upper layer of their skin was dying. But then other people were saying that this was like one test. They haven't replicated this. You can't really say that it's from that. There could be other environmental factors. You know, you don't know what's in the air around there, which is a very good point. But the idea, you know, that all these fucking things that are flying through the air around us and they're giving us all these megabytes of information and instant.

43:12I mean, we're plugged into the wall right now, but we could very easily be doing this Wi-Fi easily. So there's enough information flying through the air and some sort of a signal that you could have a video that goes through tubes and it gets to, right now, 1,500 people all over the world. I mean, what is that doing to your brain, man? I always wonder about that because it's one of those things where, like, you have, I think about radio waves. Radio waves are, we're being bombarded with them constantly. Right. But there's no, like we have no idea what the real long-term effects are. Well, it's not killing everybody quickly, so we know that it's not like totally the worst thing ever for you. It's not like super poison. But what if it's making us change? It's shaping your brain differently. I mean, for real, right? What if we're evolving to be able to handle all this stuff?

43:59What if these signals in there, what if one of the reasons why so many people are going crazy is that these signals are interfering with the development of their brain? There's this writer I like a lot, just the guy James Howard Kunstler, and he's a new urbanist writer, and he also writes a lot about... Did you say Kunstler? His last name is Kunstler. Is he related to the lawyer? I don't know, maybe. There's a famous lawyer. The reason why I know is there's a guy named George the Greek that I knew from New York who was a famous gambler and pool hustler, and he used to ride horses for, like, you know, when they have the horse races. He would be in the little carriage. You know, they have, like, a little carriage. They race. I don't know what they call that kind of racing. Harness racing. Harness racing. Thank you. Well, he was such a crook.

44:42This fucking race was so fixed that he was standing up trying to pull the horse back because the horse was trying to win. So he was fired and they kicked him out. But he hired William Kunstler. Kunstler's taken over my case. These motherfuckers, they don't know what they got coming to them. I got Kunstler. It's like Joey Diaz's mom. No, no, no, no, no, no. Cigarettes, Kunstler. He was just, what a character this guy was. All these fucking guys that I met in the pool halls in New York, man, you never met people like this in your life. There's gamblers, people who are addicted to gambling, are some of the most fascinating motherfuckers ever. They're all just looking for that fix. They're all just looking to gamble, and they would always want to gamble a lot of money. There was never like, I want to bet you $20. Like, you fucking pussy, you got no hot. Yeah, hot pumps Kool-Aid.

45:28Isn't that how that shit works, where your brain gets more electricity the more you bet? and if you lose that's like a thing they found out with people who are gambling addicts is that they get more serotonin or something in their brain when you lose really that's why it's such a problem that's why it's so hard to fix that because it's this fucked up reverse psychology of it that's crazy they get serotonin but that makes them feel good but gamblers don't feel good when they lose they feel horrible maybe it's not serotonin dopamine maybe dopamine it's some brain chemical I'm too dumb to know the difference between serotonin and dopamine they're always in my brain there's like oh these are this is shit that makes you happy yeah it's all a cocktail is that all i know is that it kills people uh when people do a lot of cocaine it kills that yeah

46:12oh yeah consular consular fuck this guy your heart pumps kool-aid this guy this writer james harr consular he writes a lot about like the idea of living past peak oil like when society's shut down because of the oil is gone and you're freaking me out man this is something duncan i always argue about do you what now i would love to hear what your take on it well i mean i mean he's he's of the kerzwellian he all like the proto-future nanobots and stuff but i right i think that's stuff that's fun to think about but i think it's more likely that none of that will happen there will be some sort of huge um sort of apocalyptic degradation and shrinking of society due to the the nature of the lack of oil because oil powers everything we have right so you you're like did Did you watch Collapse? Yeah, I watched that. Yeah, I loved that. Did you love it? Because we thought that guy was a goof.

47:04I mean, he's definitely... We loved it for a little while, but then I'm like, this guy's a doom and gloom motherfucker, and he's pissing in his garden so that he can grow shit. Like, his outlook is so retarded. He's definitely a doom and gloom guy, and Kunstler is somewhere similar to that, but he also talks about the whole thing, something called the long emergency, which is kind of like what you were talking about before, like, you know, the apocalypse. It's probably not going to happen like that. It's going to happen over a long period of time. gas is going to start to get more and more expensive and less and less people are going to be able to afford certain things it's just going to be a sort of long it's going to happen over like 40 50 years probably not yeah a long term well you know the idea is that everything's

47:40going to fall apart and then build back up again i don't know if that's the case i mean i don't know either i don't know i think there's definitely some validity to the idea of of fossil fuels being a serious problem in uh in the development of technology you know there's a very obscure theory about fossil fuels that it's not actually fossil fuels. Yes, it's called the avian oil theory, right? Yeah, that the whole earth is floating on it. That somehow or another it's a natural product, almost like the blood of the earth. It's a natural product of the earth. Yeah, George Norrie thinks that but I don't think he's... George Norrie? You can't quote him as a source. How dare you? I think it's bullshit. Art Bell's one thing. You start quoting George Norrie and I go, come on, dude. Stop it with George Norrie. He believes everything! Well, that's what I'm saying. George Norrie thinks the avian oil theory

48:23I think it's kind of bullshit because there's so much science that says there's less and less of it and it's we're not, there's diminishing returns yeah I haven't really researched it enough I know I have this book in the library somewhere it's called Black Gold Stranglehold and I bought it with the intention of reading it but it's in support of this theory but I don't know if it's nonsense or not well that's the other thing that Kuntzler talks about that made me think about it you were talking about how the radio waves and stuff like that and how maybe it's changing our brains. But he, in his fiction books, he talks about years after no electricity and none of this stuff being pumped and this weird waves being pumped in the atmosphere, how there's a lot of sort of like magic comes about. Because previously in our lives, like right now, we're being bombarded by all this imagery and sound and noise

49:12and just general like noise through advertisements and just everything. And how if that all fell away, then maybe there was some part of our brain that would unlock, that would, you know, bring about things that I guess you would consider magic. But maybe it's not magic. Maybe it's something, you know, the idea of like telekinesis or anything like that, where maybe that stuff's being held back because of abundance of technology. I think that – Well, senses definitely, you know, like I bet we have – if we weren't bombarded so much with all this crap, we would have probably different senses. I don't know if it would be powers, but, you know. Yeah, I mean, it's fiction. Yeah, but before there was a real society like set up the way, you know, we have in villages or in, you know, and the way we have in cities, obviously.

49:55They think that before that, when people were hunters and gatherers, they had a much more finely tuned sense of the whole environment around them. And, you know, shamans in the Amazon, rather, they're always talking about how the plants and the trees talk to them. And that's the whole way they believe that they created ayahuasca. The shamans tell you that the trees told them how to mix all this shit together. Is that the Peruvian stuff? What is that? Yeah, Peru and in Brazil, it's the drink, the hallucinogenic drink. But I mean, look, if you were just living only in tune with the forest, you know, back when we were fucking weirdo hunter-gatherer type dudes just moving around hunting and sleeping in tents and shit, you know, it's very possible that we would have had different senses, totally different, like, feel for everything.

50:41Maybe even like there was like a thing where you could actually talk to animals back in the day. But it was so quiet. But it was so quiet and just a little whispered. But now that you don't even know that. It sounds ridiculous to us now because we can't do it. But think about like the appendix. Yeah, exactly. The appendix is an organ that existed because we were breaking down like all this really porous shit. Bone. Bone and a lot of fiber too, right? Like plant fiber. Serious fiber. Yeah, like fucking chewing trees and shit. Yeah, so we had an organ that was designed to process all that crap. We were basically eating like cows. We were eating whatever the fuck we could. And we had an organ for that shit. But now we don't. Now it's falling off. It's useless. It's very possible that we just forgot that we ever could do that, that we really could tune into the woods. There was a guy on that.

51:29I wrote it down because I wanted to talk about it. Charles Kuralt. Charles Kuralt. He's a little journalist. Yeah, he died not that long ago. He wrote a story about some guy who lived up in Alaska. and he would go for months and months at a time and where he didn't talk to any people. And he said after he was up there for a while, he could read the minds of the animals. And then when he came into town, after months and months living in this cabin, he could read the minds of people, but it would go away after a while. He also smoked a lot of weed. My man was getting some straw. He was doing the best stuff. Just eating hash off dead deer heads all day. But yeah, there's definitely something to that, though, I feel like, because it's the same way where, like, you know, when you're typing someone's friend's name and they call you kind of thing. But when you know when someone's mad at you,

52:11you feel the energy coming off someone. Like, you know, like, whoa, this guy's upset. Even though they're not acting like it at all. Right, yeah. Like, what's wrong? Nothing. What the fuck is wrong? You know, there's a weird energy coming off of you. Right. You know, we can tune into that stuff if you choose to, if you choose to recognize it. You know, we don't really know all the different subtleties there are in the senses, you know. We've got it narrowed down to some basic ones, you know, but there's some other ones that have... Go extra. There's something weird that happened that I've just realized recently regarding your message board on the same subject. Really? For about two months, about a year ago, about two months, I kept on having this voice in my head that I need to make a thread that was titled Bad News. Like, I don't know why, but every day I was on your message board, I'd be like, Bad News?

53:02Why do I keep on thinking I need to do that? And the other day I was on your message board and I looked at one of the sticky threads and it said bad news, our friend Outlaw, you know, and stuff like that. I'm like, that's crazy that, you know, that was the title of the thread. Maybe it has nothing to do with it, but I remember there was a point in my time before Outlaw passed that that same thing kept on repeating in my head the idea that I needed to make a topic that said bad news. That's crazy, yeah. Cue spooky music. Spooky. Buzzer. Yeah. That makes sense. We're all guessing as to what reality truly is. We really are. we know that the placebo effect is real. And we know that if you tell some people that, hey, this pill is going to cure your disease, things get miraculously cured. We know that that happens. Placebo is really popular with your bowels too. Where is it? Really?

53:5070% of bowel illnesses are from our placebo. Wow. Most people have irritable bowel. There's nothing wrong with their bowels. It's wrong with their brain. Oh, I see. Because they're freaking out about this or that. Right, stress. That explains everything. It's like perfectly taking stress that's been tuned into the bowel. Well, they also say that about back injuries. There's a lot of people that they believe they have back pain, but it's not really back pain. It's just they're suffering through incredible stress, and it's manifesting itself in back pain, so it distracts you from whatever bullshit you have in your life. Right. My back. But if the brain can do that, but it can only do that if it's being tricked, that's a strange thing. Right. If you have to have utter confidence in it. That's why I've always said that there's a lot of good for religion as almost like a scaffolding for your life. Oh, yeah, totally.

54:37Because the reason why they're so successful and there's so many people that are devout and they believe in it is because it's produced positive benefits for them. Having this just unstoppable belief that there is a higher power and a greater good and that it all works out in the long run because God has a plan, it takes a tremendous amount of pressure off you. It allows you to perform better. That confidence allows you to really achieve things in a lot of people. that they wouldn't if it was all open-ended questions. Yeah, you also can assign bad stuff. You're like, well, you know what? I'm not in control. You're giving up control. So it's like you're taking away blame and worry from a thousand things you can worry about and be like, I just follow the Lord's blessings. Yeah. It's fascinating, though, that the mind has this unlocked or untapped capability to do things, to produce extreme results.

55:27Our brains, it's so much of who we are as a human being is a product of how we were raised and our experiences, who the people were that are around us that we imitated and all the things that happened to us that we learned. Well, I'm not fucking taking my pants down in front of that guy again. You know, all these different things that we learned. That becomes who we are. There's so many things that go into that. It's so strange that when you get to a certain age, you could be fucked up and know you're fucked up, but you can't change it. Like there's certain people that are criminals, you know. They're like fucking 30, whatever. They're in and out of jail their whole life. They can't stop. They're just fucked up. they know they're fucked up they get out and they go back they do a crime like a week after they get out for 20 years but that's like everything like if you date a girl and you think that

56:07she's going to change and you know they're programmed that way shouldn't you know you what is wrong with us that we don't know us we can always tell you what's wrong with this fucking asshole yeah I'm fucking bad I'm horrible at it we can't we don't know us we keep ourselves from knowing us so we can't fix our own issues a lot of people for most people that's a weird thing that we can't reprogram that whoever you are, whatever happened to you by the time you were 10 or 15 or whatever the fuck it is, that's you, dude. That's you. You don't trust people. That's you. You're always worried about crazy people and you're always worried about this and violence. That's you. Sorry, forever. That's you. Yeah, you just realize it. Yeah, I mean, reprogramming, like truly reprogramming, it should be like an option. It should be like a button you can press in your brain. Oh, I know this is bullshit. Let me just get rid of it.

56:52That's why you're the software designer for your own kids. You're programming them right now. You've got to give them some psilocybin early on. Well, you just got to program. Well, here's one thing. They talk about terrible twos. I swear to God, my daughter's not going through anything terrible. She's hilarious. The reason why she's hilarious is because even when she screams and yells and stuff, I start making fun of her. I start going, this is you, this is you. And she starts laughing. She thinks it's so funny because everything is fun. And you've got to know when they're tired. You've got to know when they eat. But it's all about nice and happiness and fun. You know, it's all about that. And if you do that and you start them off like that, you know, you can get a happy child. But that might create something that you don't, you're not thinking about.

57:35Look, you know, a lot of my best friends grew up fucked up. They're like all my favorite people grew up fucked up. Joey, you, me, Eddie, Ari. We all grew up fucked up. Every one of us. There's no one. Duncan. No one has some fucking, you know, Brady Bunch story that they can tell you where everything was awesome. And dad always had great advice. Well, they do. People are like incredibly boring, too. Why is that? Fuck, man. Why can't you give a kid a loving life and then have them not be a boring cunt? I mean, is it possible? Because that's where doctors come from or something. That's where, you know. You know what it is, really? The real thing is that you don't have the motivation to be exceptional at anything unless you're desperate. Exceptional people are almost always at one point in their life very desperate.

58:20So they come up with this extraordinary energy to produce whatever it is, whether it's art or success in business or whatever they want to do. It comes from something that's an extraordinary amount of entropy. There's an extraordinary amount of energy that's moving everything in that direction. I think a big part of that is that in general human life for the past maybe 60 or 70 years has become incredibly easy. like surviving is so fucking simple that you used to have more people of character before because life was not simple like people people died a lot very good and for simple things people that women died in childbirth kids died didn't were born you know the birth rate was a tenth of what it is now so i feel like that's a big part of it that's why you have so many shitty shitty shitty boring because everything's so easy for them because it's so simple to survive that it takes

59:10nothing yeah i've always said one of the most important things for a man and i say this to anybody who has boys, I'm like, get that kid involved in something that's hard to do. Yeah, it's fucking difficult. Anything that's hard to do. Get that kid involved in whatever it is. It's wrestling or karate or, you know, kickboxing. Cut a hand off. Just some fucking sport. You know, maybe they get into basketball or baseball. Just get them into something that makes them exert themselves and get through difficult times and create character. You know, do something that's really difficult. Get that kid involved in something that's going to test them and challenge them. because if you don't, you know, there's nothing sadder than when you are at the mall and you see some fucking poor lady who raised some boy and she probably did it on her own and she had never had a father around or he didn't have his father around

59:52and he's just loud and fucking obnoxious and totally unchecked. Shameless. Just totally shameless. Like this poor kid is fucked. He doesn't even know who he is. Look at him. Just bouncing off the walls with all this crazy energy. So the same people who like have cell phone conversations incredibly loud like in the middle of... That still blows my mind How people do that That's one of Joe's pet peeves One of my pet peeves I can't fucking handle it Dudes who do that shit On speakerphone They start talking What's up dude What are you doing man Yeah we're down here right now Man let's party Like who are these people I want to just like I always want to just Engage them right away Hey hey how you doing Hey hey hey Just like Like I'm flagging down Why is that even really What's my issue Why does it even offend me That I have to hear Both sides of the conversation I mean I'm going to hear One side no matter what Does it Is it really

60:38Is it just too distracting Like why does it bother me What the fuck's wrong with me? What are we, an 80s radio station? That's Duke Nukem Soundboard. Duke Nukem Soundboard? Come on, Brian. Buzz off. Don't do that anymore. Please. Duke Nukem makes me sad because that's that game that never really got finished. Duke Nukem Forever. That became the vaporware game of all time. Totally. Don't they realize now it's gotten to the point that if they actually released it, it would probably be one of the biggest games ever. I thought they were doing a modern-day DuneCube. The last five years they've been doing that. It was a lot longer than five years. It happened with the Unreal 1 engine I think they were using. Well, it got to the point, though, like the last five years at least, they actually, it seemed legit. Like there was like a trailer for it and a website or something, but it was like a fake trailer.

61:29I thought it went under. When did it go under? Two years ago. Two years ago, that's it? That's crazy because that movie, I swear, rather, that game, I believe was really in operation for the longest time ever. That's a good game. Call of Duty the new Call of Duty got released and they had this thing in the newspaper when I was coming back from London I was reading it that Call of Duty made more money than Avatar the first day yeah it sold like holy shit dude that's like one of the most successful entertainment things of all time absolutely that's a sign of the apocalypse and it's war it's just shooting people yeah oh it's fucking awesome that's a blue line is that commercial too the commercial they have that has like Jimmy Kimmel and Kobe Bryant you seen that commercial People are pissed off about that commercial. I'm sure they are. I do not understand this. Well, because they've got guns.

62:15People always are pissed off about guns, guaranteed. And the fact that there's people who are, you know, wielding those guns who would normally not ever be associated with that. Yeah, like Kobe. Yeah, well, Kobe's kind of already in a problem. It's a little controller. They're pissed off that he's shooting? No, they're showing him in the game. They're showing him with a rocket launcher. Oh, they're in the game in the commercial. Whoa, that's so crazy. Yeah, and they don't show him actually shooting anybody. but it's all directly implied. How weird is that? That's stupid. But you can't show a tit. Right. Isn't it bizarre that that's like so acceptable? Yeah, I mean... I mean, would there be acceptable? What if there's a game? What if it was like, you know, like, what are those Grand Theft Auto games? Right. And all they were doing in the game was just running around and raping. So for the commercial, they had Jimmy Camel

63:02and Kobe Bryant pretending to rape people. People would go, that's outrageous. Well, it's okay to kill people but it's not okay to rape them? Right. Well, I mean... How weird are we, man? Yeah. Do you think you could make a game like that? I think the Japanese already have actually a few different games. They have rape games and they also have molest games. It's funny that that would be... I mean, we talked about the sensitive nature of the word rape before and how some people get upset about it. But that would be... It's a very interesting debate. Like, why is it okay to murder people? Is it because it's so simple that it's like you pull the trigger and then they go away and it's not as... What is it? Maybe that's what it is. Maybe because it's finite. Like, oh, the person's dead. They can't object to them being killed because you've killed them.

63:44Can you imagine how crazy it would be if those became the most popular games here? If it wasn't Call of Duty, it was Call of Dicks, and you were just driving around just fucking everybody you wanted to, and that was the whole video game. Whoa. That would be scary as fuck. And people say that's not possible, but how is that not possible? I mean, there's private programmers, I'm sure, who probably are and have made something like that. If that became a real game, if somehow or another we were desensitized to a point where that became a real game, I think it would be very successful. I think it actually for real is, though. In Japan? In Japan, if I remember correctly, there was some kind of rape video game. Jesus Christ. And they also had games where you just try to get the best upskirt shots. Really? As a game? Yeah, as a game. Oh, that's so creepy. The Japanese are... Fucking love it. Bizarre.

64:28There's a new... Bizarre. There's a new application on the iPhone called TwitCast. it's a where you you know broadcast like a u-stream thing on uh using twitter though but using on your iphone and it's japanese based i believe uh and so recently i've been on there you know late at night because there's just a bunch of hot asian girls on their on their webcams in their house you know so i will type things like hey do you like america and you know you should come to california and then they all know how to read english though and then the second they find out that you're American, they're like, oh, I love you. Is that how that happens? They just say, I love you? Well, no. Do you think you can go over there and just start fucking them randomly? It seems like it. They do love Americans. Google Translate's been my new friend lately. I'm thinking about going. It seems like I could just fuck

65:21a lot of people. But it's great. If you're bored, go to this website and just start checking out these Asian girls. Use Google Translate to mix it up a little. It is very strange that there's very specific cultures like the asian culture like it's not varying that much i mean they have some music and they have some art and they have some creativity but for the most part their culture is like trying to figure out what we're doing that's weird and like mutating it then you know like the the japanese rockabilly guys yeah who are like these like psych it's like elvis turned up a thousand percent and yeah it's really popular look the weirdest hipster look ever yeah yeah it's weird they're fascinating those Harajuku Barbies what is that that's that weird fashion where they I think that's what it's called where it's these Japanese girls who wear makeup and clothes they look like dolls like legitimately like dolls

66:06and they spend hours and hours to perfect this crazy look that thing freaks me out I need to go to Japan freaks me out I want to go to Japan so bad it seems like the most alien world ever yeah it really does seem like the closest you can get to going to another planet I feel like it's like the closest you can get to going to a second dimension of America it's like this transmuted because there's so much things over there that are that are takeoffs of american culture that like they don't they don't make any sense to us but to them they do because it's like this weird like proto-nostalgia that they have over everything like the coffee and all this like all the business business attire there's so many fucking crazy things a good friend of mine lived over there for two years and he would talk to me about i have all these capsule hotels right Like these little tubes you can sleep in.

66:51And have vending machines with ties in them. Because if you're a businessman, you have to go out and drink with the boss afterwards. You have to do that. And so chances are you're drinking past the train, so you have to stay in the capsule hotel. But to show up at work tomorrow, you have to have a new tie. So it looks like you've had time to change and look nice. So they have vending machines just for the ties so you can change your tie before you go back into work. Even though you've never even been home. Yeah, strange, strange culture. I would love to go there and have sex with a girl with tentacles and everything. It would be fucking awesome. Yeah, they have those too, the Tentacle Girls. The Tentacle Girls. Wait a minute, what are you talking about? I'm just kidding. It's like manga. You scared the fuck out of me. They make the most insane electronics, man.

67:30And some of their cars, they have these two cars out right now that are like two of the best sports cars in the world. They have this Nissan GTR, which is this incredible four-wheel drive Nissan. You know, I think it's like 500 horsepower. Insane zero to 60 time. Insane lateral acceleration. It lapsed the Nurbig ring in like this insanely low time. And then they've got this other thing, this Lexus LFA, where it's – they created – Lexus created this, like, ultimate Ferrari. Like, they – all the most high-tech components, carbon fiber fenders, this fucking insane engine. But it's a Ferrari, though? No, it's a Lexus. It's a Lexus. It's called the Lexus LFA. What I'm basically saying is their engineering is so insanely good. Yeah, it's crazy because they can't make any weapons, so they put it all into – Is that what it is, you think? I mean, I don't – Shit, I wonder. That's a real good point.

68:19Because I know the Japanese are not allowed to make anything. You can't even build a samurai sword in Japan. They're so crazy. We don't let them have weapons. Did you hear about this North and South Korea thing? Yeah. That's scary. Listen, man. The North Korea and South Korea is like the fucking North versus the South. It's like the Civil War, man. It's like the same thing as us. It's just on an exaggerated scale. It's actually a much larger and also super aggressive. The North Korea fucking hates the South. They hate each other. So they're ready to jack each other, right? Yeah, they are. I mean, if that happens, I really wonder if that's going to be the catalyst to a new world war. Can you imagine you hate someone because they're literally across a line and they look exactly like you? Yeah. There's no confusion whatsoever. Koreans are very similar looking.

69:04It's not like America with this big fucking melting pot. They're Koreans, you know? And there's variations on both sides, but they look exactly the same and they're right there. Doesn't matter. And that's the enemy. Kill. Fucking crazy. world we live in, man, huh? 2010, and that is still how we're rocking it. Just hope they don't get in the... Just have to get Iran involved, and it's got a perfect cocktail for... I think they have a really difficult time getting online in North Korea. They do. They squash everything. It's like they have huge internet, what do you call it? Blackouts? Yeah, I think so. Or filters? Yeah, they're allowed to play StarCraft or something like that. Well, the South Koreans, man. South Korean gaming, pro gaming in South Korea is so huge, they have these live events where they have like an arena filled with fucking people that are watching dudes play

69:51video games have you ever seen that shit i know holy fuck man they're playing starcraft and some of these korean dudes that play starcraft they would make these insane amount of movements in a minute like 139 movements in a minute so they're doing like almost two a second they're like or more than two a second is this a keyboard game it's keyboard and mouse it's a look one of those games where you have an army and you move them in certain positions. It's like a tactical game. Yeah, it's a tactical game. It's super complex. It's very strategy-based. Some guys are just wizards on it. They had this one Korean dude. This ultra-badass StarCraft wizard. That's the game, right? StarCraft? They had him on these giant big screens and people were going crazy when he was kicking ass. They were going nuts. Head faggot. That's so bizarre. I wonder why that never caught on in America.

70:45When you think about how popular games are over here, they call a duty shit. Maybe it will be something eventually. StarCraft's pretty big out here. It is, but... It's not that big. Haven't they always been ahead of us with games? Have they been? They used to be. The Japanese used to be ahead of the games back in the Nintendo days, but nowadays we have most of the biggest game makers here in the States. I mean, even California. Right. EA. Right. EA. THQ's here, too. Yep, THQ. Well, they're right on... They were in Calabasas, and I think they moved to... Yeah, they moved further north. It's a badass place, man. I went to their whole factory. I've got to start working on the next game. We're starting to work on it again. That's crazy. Which game? The game is going to be sick. The UFC games? Oh, cool. The fighting games? Awesome. They're getting better and better. The movements are getting better. There's more complexity.

71:33I'll find out exactly what's going to be in the next one. I can't really tell you guys, though. Sorry, bitches. Zombies. Zombie UFC players. That's what they mean. Headlocks. They're headlocks. definitely noogies we're bringing back noogies eyeball scratching it goes for we do like you know we'll do like hours and hours and hours of just breaking down fight scenarios and talking about different fighters that are in the game talking about like what the guy's good at what the guy's bad at so it almost literally is like you're watching it live so there's so many variations do you guys put the do you put the people in the suits the motion capture suits yes that's so cool I did that one time for a friend you were doing a commercial and you needed someone to help out with that. That was so much fun. Yeah. Like, yeah, it's crazy. It's such an interesting, bizarre thing to do. I did a, they did a full body scan of me too,

72:21where I stand there and they spun around me with this crazy camera. And then they show you this 3D image of you, like this computer, like, you know, recreation of you. And it's so weird. Are you in the 2010 one or something? I was in the last one. The last one? Yeah. No, I think your voice was. You can't fight with me. Oh, but you can't in the 2010 one? No, no, no, no. I don't think so. When are they going to do that? I don't know. I think I would have to do a lot of shit for them to do that. Dude, it would be an Easter egg. Yeah, that's not a big... I mean, that's not an Easter egg, dude. That's like a big project. When you create a new model and you do... Well, they could just put your head on... What you should do is you get someone like me to model you. So it'd be like Joe Rogan, but it'd be some fucking idiot who doesn't know how to fight. No, it'd be a chick. That would be awesome. With your head?

72:58Why is Joe Rogan... It looks like he has tits. Dude, that'd be awesome. If you were in a bathing suit with your head on it as an Easter egg, that'd be fucking great. Those are always the best, is the Easter egg characters. Yeah. If you ever want to get humble, though, about how much time it takes to make something, watch or talk to someone who's working on video games. Oh. It's insane. Well, we're going to. What, next week? Cliffy B or December? Cliffy B. Yeah, he's coming December 8th. December 8th. Yeah, he's going to be on the podcast. That's the Gears of War guy, right? Yeah. Yeah, I've known that dude for a long time. He's super cool. We met him, God, it was like 2001 or 2002 or something like that. Yeah. He has a place in South Carolina and I was doing, or is it North Carolina? North Carolina. Raleigh. Right. and we were doing comedy there this place called Charlie Good Nights so I don't know

73:41how it all got hooked up on the internet somehow or another and he wanted us giving us a tour of his place it was fucking amazing and that was pre-Xbox 360 and they were they already had one and they had Gears of War playing and we were just like wow this is something that no one else has seen except for like a small group of people that's crazy you know we're used to like what Genesis or something like that well we were used to like I think Nintendo 64 Quake 2 or 3 was out at the time 3 Craig 3 oh that's right Doom was coming out because you remember he goes we're gonna take a big shit on Doom that might have been the second time we were there though it did too I think it was we've been there a few times anyway he showed us some models from Gears of War like the animated models that aren't in the game just to show like a technology demonstration and our jaws fucking hit the floor like they had flashlights they'd move flashlights

74:30across the body and you'd see how the shadows would vary and move around I was like this is insane man this is incredible Yeah, they actually have those models in the games now. And the work they spend on us. I don't know how people can actually do that. I feel like you have to be on some sort of special drug to sit there to do that kind of coding. Yeah, yeah. Because it will take forever. Well, John Carmack, the dude who, he's the mastermind behind all the id games, which are like Doom and Quake and Wolfenstein, all those deathmatch style games. he's there's very rarely am I around someone who's so smart that I get nervous you know what I mean like I'm like why am I why am I even talking like everything I say is nonsense this guy's like this fucking super mathematical genius he's such a genius that he codes the craziest game engines in the world right and when he's not doing that in his off time he's a rocket scientist

75:24oh just a literal like a real rocket scientist working on like the XPRIZE you know developing fucking these rockets in his backyard, and he turbocharges his Ferraris. By himself, custom. Wow. He brings in mechanics and shit, but he designs these fucking crazy 1,000 horsepower turbocharged Ferraris. He's constantly tweaking them and fucking with them and taking them to the track. I mean, he's just like a super mathematical genius. And when you talk to him, he makes these like ums. He goes like this. Well, basically we're working on it. Coating the, it's like his brain is working so fucking fast. His mouth kind of goes, slow, slow, bitch, slow the fuck down. What were we saying? Oh, yeah. Just super, super genius. His latest game that just came out on the iPad. Remember Rage? We went to go see this. Holy fuck, that looks good. Yeah, we saw them demonstrate that too. Yeah, that is in-game footage.

76:15This is one of the best iPad games I've seen. Oh, my God. That is insane. Point that in my direction. That shit's amazing. Yeah, you get to drive around in these trucks. And this is a console game, right? This isn't even a PC game, right? No, I think he's going to have it as a... I don't know. I don't know. Both? But they're so famous for the PC games, man. We've had the PC versus console argument on this podcast. Yeah, my girlfriend and I have that argument because she's a World of Warcraft player and she can't stand the console. Really? Yeah. It's very clunky when you get used to the keyboard. The mouse is super precise. How much does she play a day? She doesn't really play anymore, but she used to play a lot. I think she used to have... I think she's had a bunch of characters is the problem. Oh, Jesus Christ. Like a couple level 50s maybe, I want to say. She trolls. Is she trolling out there? Probably, yeah.

77:06Pretending to be different people? Does she dress up as her characters? Does she what? Does she dress up as her characters? No, she's not. I'm sure she'd like to. Do you ever bang her when she's pretending to be like a witch or some shit? She's sort of a witch in general. She's just naturally a witch. She has ultimate control. I'm being puppeted right now. Really? Maybe. Maybe. I don't know. Is this real? Tell me what this is real. Is this a cry for help? If it's a cry for help, blink twice. Help, help, help. I can't even blink, man. You can't blink? Not without her. She might be watching. Girls That Play Video Games is one of my biggest turn-ons in the whole entire world. Really? When I find out somebody actually is a gamer, I just can't stop thinking about it. You shouldn't meet her. She is like, I feel like she's like a nerd dream, kind of. Wow. I mean, to me, I'm not a huge gamer.

77:53Yeah, you shouldn't meet her, Brian. I'll be like, I have a perfectly good butthole. Damn, son. there's a girl I've talked about before Isis Taylor who's a porn star and she just tweets every day just beat the new Assassin's Creed in like two days and just like I'm playing Call of Duty right now and I can't get enough of it and I'm just like stop well for one thing she definitely did not beat the new Assassin's Creed in two days I think it was even less than that I played it and it took me forever maybe she's more of a wizard than you seriously I think she even beat it less than two days she must have played it non-stop that's what I'm saying So you're saying that this turns you on, the fact that there's a hot porn star out there playing video games? Oh my fucking God, yes. Do you understand? He's all dirty and sweaty. I always meet the girls and they're like, oh, I love video games.

78:37And you try to play it and they're just like playing one game like, this is stupid. I don't like this game. And then that's not a real gamer. That's just somebody just saying something. Eddie Bravo and I have talked about this all the time about you will always meet certain girls that will morph their personality to be with their man. Oh, absolutely. Like we were watching a Ted Nugent show and Ted Nugent's wife was hanging out with him and cooking and she was going hunting. And Eddie was like, this bitch doesn't really want to be hunting. Oh, exactly. She's just hunting because Ted likes hunting. I mean, I don't know if that's the case, but that is the case often that a lot of girls will become into what their boyfriends are. Oh, absolutely. One of my exes hated sports. Hated. And now every time I look at her Twitter, it's like, just watch the New York Yankees. I'm just like, you are fucking faking it.

79:20I can't stand that. That's so crazy. That's the worst. Well, some chicks and some dudes, too. I shouldn't even really categorize this as only chicks. Become, they morph when they go into relationships. We all know some guys that go into relationships and just start weirding out. I don't want to mention any names. But we have that one friend, and he's a different motherfucker every time he's in a different relationship. Really? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah, sometimes it'll drive you crazy. That's too bad. Poor fuck. Whatever happens, he just wants to be in this relationship so bad that he morphs and becomes what the chick wants. Yeah. And depending on what the chick wants, you know, he addresses it as he's just going through phases in his life and this is what he's into now. I'm really into makeup right now. I'm really into... Yeah. I'm into skinny jeans and glam. I'm into glam. I'm into Oprah. I got a yeast infection.

80:07I don't know. David Bowie did a lot of cool shit. Yeah. Early in his career, I'm really into what he looked. He did do a lot of cool shit. Imagine if you... There was a dude that used to come to the comedy store and he was a regular looking dude from the Midwest and then he was out here for... So he had a little bit of a problem with drugs and he was out here for just a short amount of time and one time I ran into him at the comedy store. I hadn't seen him in like shit, a month? 30 days? All of a sudden he had four lip piercings, a nose piercing and an eyebrow piercing and he was stretching his ears out with those hoop things. That shit's so fucking stupid. I hate that shit. But it was like at a... It was like... Like, whoa. You really just went for it. I knew a couple guys in college who suddenly became incredibly emo over like a six-month period where i'm like wait what that's that's you you're the same guy and

80:56sort of it's they are but they're not and this other guy too who was a comedian and it's like they didn't fucking recognize him he lost the 30 pounds it's like a new crazy hairstyle all this stuff like you just did you just totally changed everything that i liked about the look at jim brewer man he was just at flappers the other day by the way he said it was like his favorite new club ever really yeah but anyways he he was known as the marijuana guy the pot guy that's all he talked about now he's super clean super religious i think or something like that oh no his wife was a christian i think he just jumped right in really i guess but that's changing your whole audience that's not your it's not college kids anymore that's like my mom's well you could look at it that way or you could look at it and say he's developing a new audience because he's evolving and they're evolving with him

81:44and maybe some of them will come along with him. You said devolving, right? Evolving. Oh, evolving. Changing. In his eyes. I'm not saying, you know. Evolving. Look, you know, it's like we talked about before about religion being sort of like a good scaffolding for living a happy life. Right. We have to address the fact that comedians, a lot of them, a giant percentage of them are miserable as fuck. Right. And a lot of them wind up, you know, like dying and being terrible. We've all ran into comics that we haven't seen in a long time. We see them, they're older now and they're just super, super bitter and it's sad. Yeah. You know, it's a fucking terrible, terrible thing when a lot of dudes, when they get older in their life and they have children, they have a family, like they want to, they want to think different, man. They want to be a little bit more happy. They don't want to be morose and cynical about everything.

82:27You just picked your finger up. Like, do you have one? Oh, I just thought of something I was going to... You have a video of a morose and cynical guy. No, but you were talking about the comics, you know, getting angry. Yeah, comics do that all the time, right? But there's somebody the other day and I think I can say this... This is the story? This is the story. Wait. No, I don't know. You tell it and I'll tell you if it was the story that I think it was you're talking about. Okay, yeah. This involves a comic that's older that has become a complete asshole. I don't know if he was an asshole the whole time. Okay. What's his name? Fucking Gallagher. Gallagher's name? He was making fun of this guy that works at the comedy store that has multiple sclerosis. He walks funny and he's like fucking making fun of him to his face about how he's walking. And then the club owners and all the staff is like, dude, stop.

83:07That's not cool at all. and he wouldn't stop. Was it the real Gallagher? Yeah, it's the real one. It wasn't his brother. Were you there? I was there, yeah. Did you video it? No, I didn't video it. I don't want to get banned from the comedy store anymore, so I don't film there anymore. But you could talk about any of the comics. People were Twittering it. I mean, everybody saw it, and it was awful. I had an experience with Gallagher myself. When I was in high school, I was a freshman in high school. I went to see Gallagher. This is in Rochester, Minnesota. so you know it shows where he was at that point in time and you know Rochester's a tiny town and he went I went to a Gallagher show I was in the front row and I was like this is going to be so awesome and he asked for a volunteer and he brings me up and I was like yeah yeah I want to be on this cool one stage brings me up stage and he puts me on this wooden chopping block

83:55and like makes fun of me for like 3, 4, 5 minutes just saying mean things to me I'm like you know I'm just kind of smiling like okay and I have my hands in my pockets like why do you have your hands in your pockets huh You must not have a girlfriend. Is the audience laughing at this? I don't even remember really. I guess a little bit. And I was like, you know, I had a baggy, I was a skateboarder at the time. So of course I had my baggy. How old? How old again? I was probably 15. 15. And I look like I was 10 though. He was shitting on you and you were 15? Yeah. And I was up there, I looked like I was 10 years old though because I looked really young. Right. And I had like my baggy skateboard jeans on. He's like, you must be the best skateboarder in the world. I don't see any holes in those jeans. and it was just ridiculous and then we did a bunch of stuff like putting on this penguin thing and sliding across the stage

84:42and that was fun but the like why you bringing up like a some kid making fun of him well unfortunately for some comedians and for a lot of comedians back in those days like insulting people was like thought of as like it's part of the show right and you have to just kind of take it dude I talked to Davey that night though the guy with multiple scores he was about to quit his job and just start fighting this guy I mean, you could tell by talking to him how upset he was. He was walking around. I mean, I got to the point where I just started following Davey around just to grab him if he was going to attack Gallagher. Why would he make fun of a guy with a horrible disease like that? Oh, and he wouldn't stop. And he said something about like – as one of the semi-quotes, he said something about his hands. Like, oh, his hands probably aren't strong because he has multiple sclerosis. So he can't –

85:26He actually said multiple sclerosis. Yeah. Jeez. It'd be one thing if you're just sort of like being generic, but being very specific. Like, I'm specifically making fun of you because you have multiple people. And he wouldn't stop. Was there anyone that was laughing? Huh? No one was laughing. No one was laughing. No, it was awful. And I talked to somebody that used to tour with him or something like that. And he was like, dude, he's always been a fucking asshole. He's a complete jerk. Whoa. I didn't know that. I never thought Gallagher, you know, because you only see him from like old HBO specials or whatever. You just see him as this happy guy that crushes whatever watermelons, but now... Whoa. The behind-the-scenes of Gallagher is probably interesting. I wonder if he was always like that or if he's just becoming one. Probably a little bit of both, because I think his brother now does his stuff.

86:11He's been doing it for a while, for like seven or eight years. Well, his brother bought the act for a while, because Gallagher quit. I think he still does it. Yeah, and then the problem is the brother, really, that was his way to make a living. He was calling himself Gallagher 2. Right. To comics, it was just too beautiful to be real. It was like, you know, everybody liked to make fun of Gallagher in the first place, but now you find out his fucking brother has taken over his act. Like, holy shit. And his brother looks really similar. I thought it looked like mistakably similar, right? Isn't it like he looks identical? Close enough. If you weren't like a huge Gallagher fan and you saw him, you'd go, well, something looks different about him. But, yeah, I guess it's Gallagher. One of them dyes their hair and one doesn't. Is that what it is? Yeah. Is this the story you thought I was going to say? Oh, no.

86:50I thought you were talking about something about John Mayer or something like that. Oh, yeah. John Mayer was there a couple days later, and I saw John Mayer do comedy twice. Did you try to smell his fingers? No, no, but I met him, and I shook his hand. John Mayer, if I'd shake his hand, I'd have to go, let me smell your finger. No, no, I tried to suck his power out when he shook my hand. Suck his power out. But then he shook my hand again, so he took the power back. But I was thinking that when I was shaking his pussy power. I was thinking when I was shaking his hand, I was like, I'm getting his energies. I'm getting his energy. I'm stealing his soul. You watch too many movies. But then he shook it back and took it back. He's a handsome man. He's a handsome man, too. you're on your way well it was interesting that way we by the way i invited him on the podcast and

87:27he's you know said if he was a fan of you and he said give him props and stuff but uh he uh actually did a pretty good job he had good writing but you know his stage presence and timing and stuff was completely not he's so handsome and he gets so much top shelf pussy i bet he's so like self-conscious when he's up there that people must think he's a dick you know what i mean like probably yeah he probably gets this weird thing i mean look he does these concerts right he gets on stage and bitches go fucking crazy it's like by bitches i do not mean women in a derogatory way okay talk funny here ladies it's the funnier way to say it ladies the ladies get very excited the ladies get loose they get fucking nuts i mean that's got to be a weird mind fuck for that dude you know he's just singing shit and he's like you know and as it comes to when it comes to like

88:12young men singers that are out there killing it who's doing it better than him is there one he He doesn't even have competition. Bieber. They all have to fuck him. Bieber, yeah. Bieber. They all have to fuck him. If you want to fuck a good musician, John Mayer, that's all. But he fucked everybody. That guy's fucked everybody. He's fucked Jennifer Aniston. He's fucked... Who else did he fuck? Jessica Simpson. I have no idea. He fucks them all, dude. I didn't realize he was there. If they're hot, he meets them, he fucks them. He's fucking everything. He's fucking everyone. I had no idea he was like that at all. Are you kidding me? Yeah, I just didn't... All over the internet, it's amazing. I don't follow his trajectory, really. He's the ultimate stud when it comes to celebrity hot chicks. And now he's doing comedy. But he probably has to do something like his PR agent. Can I have something?

88:49Please, let us have something. Is there a new trend for the people doing comedy? Well, I think he's a funny guy anyway, and I think he likes the art form. He's always hanging out in the village. You always hear about comics say that he came to the comedy store or the comedy seller. Okay, so he's a fan. Well, I think also it has something to do with him getting in trouble with Twitter and then having, you know, he just canceled his account. What was it, two million people? and he was always kind of funny on twitter but it probably had something to do with like his pr guys like all right you just said the most dumbest shit in the world you got to get into comedy so that's acceptable or something to rebuild your career you have to be a comic because he just made fun of a bunch of women or something like that right what was whatever that was that he

89:28got in trouble for i don't remember what he said it was something kind of dickish to women or something i think i'm a comic he also did well that was the other problem was he did this interview where he started talking about girls and he banged. And he felt real bad about it because I remember he got on stage and he issued this apology where he was being really self-critical. And it was kind of interesting seeing him up there. Obviously, he had really thought this out and he was really kind of self-deprecating when he was on stage, kind of explaining how he fucked up and it was not his intention. And I think he's just trying to give people some good shit. You know what I'm saying? He was cool, man. The conversation I had with him, zero ego zero just down to earth nice guy he's probably tired he probably fucked everyone that day probably had no loads left in his body he's just let me go to the comedy store

90:16and just see plot my next move I saw Steve-O doing comedy too recently really? me too and he actually did better Steve-O did better than John Mayer I've heard he's been doing it for a while now right? I think Dane Cook has been like sort of taking Steve-O on the road? yeah or not on the road mentor or something like that but no he seemed very likable on stage, Steve-O. Yeah, he's kind of being himself, he's being the guy from Jackass just without all the drugs and... So he's totally clean now, huh? He's totally clean. He's even a vegan. Whoa. But he's still, you know, he's still... There's another guy. You can't be that guy if mommy raised you right. You know, if everything went well, you can't be that guy. Or maybe he is. Maybe he's the product of like... Could be. Breastfeeding until five or something like that. Who knows? Could be, right? Too much love. He's fighting it back with fucking broken light bulbs. He's injuring himself.

91:03Broken light bulbs across the tongue. You ever seen that? I haven't seen that one. I've seen a lot of them that are, I feel like I've seen enough. He was one of those people when I met him, I was like, well, here's Steve-O. How weird. You know? Every now and then you do like one of these Spike things. Like I did this Spike TV thing. It was like one of those awards, like guys' choice awards. And it was kind of interesting, but the problem was I had to do stand-up. And they had, I think Tracy Morgan was the host of it. I'm pretty sure Tracy Morgan was the host of it. And what they did was they had bands play. like the ZZ Top play, but they had them play like more than once. It was a live audience, so they played the song. They didn't like it, so they played it again because it wasn't live on television. It was to tape. And whenever something was not live on television, they beat the fuck out of that poor audience.

91:45And then you got to go up there and do stand-up. And it was ugly. I just did not have an interesting set, so I wanted to get the fuck out of there. But it was a weird experience being around all these celebrities. Like everywhere I looked, like, well, that's that Kat Von D chick. This is that guy. You celebro-D'd. Yeah, that shit's always weird. But it makes it interesting. Like the other day, I went out with Dana DiArma, the porn star girl, and we went to go do karaoke. And this guy gets on stage. He was dressed up like a Mexican doing 50 Cent songs. Next thing you know, it was fucking 50 Cent. Like I guess they're doing that show what they did with Jewel, Undercover Karaoke or whatever it's called, where they just have these people go into karaoke bars and stuff and sing their own shit. That's what Jewel was doing? Yeah. She was doing it for a show?

92:27She was doing it for Funny or Die, but I think that video became so popular that MTV or TBS ordered a pilot for this new one. But, yeah, so the next thing I know, I'm fucking seeing 50 Cent horribly do his own music on stage. Horribly? Awful. It got so bad. It got so bad that me and my friend, afterwards, they interviewed us. I hope they use it because afterwards they interviewed us, and my friend's like, it was okay. I'm like, dude, tell them the truth. All right. Well, so this dude looked like he was Mexican, went on stage, and he did 50 Cent songs. It was 50 Cent, and he just couldn't even sing his own song. He forgot his own lyrics and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, wow. And so then 10 minutes later, they put 50 back on stage. And I didn't know if it had anything to do with Johnny or a friend saying that, but they redid it. Had to get a better take. They fake TV'd of doing it.

93:16And it was a little bit better. I actually have it on my YouTube channel. So I've got a red band on YouTube. Are you supposed to be YouTubing this? is totally illegal. Hey, you know, it was from my phone. But you're there. Yeah, I was there. Nobody stopped you from doing that. Right, right. They didn't tell you to stop? There was a million people YouTubing. Filming with their phones. Yeah, with their phones. Did they have releases up? They didn't have releases up. They always at this Dimples bar because they actually film there. It's across the street from all the studios so there's always shit going on there. So you walk in and there's a thing that's like molded on the wall. What? Wait a minute. A permanent release? Yes. So if you go there you're just an attention whore. Absolutely. Well, they film every single person that goes on stage.

93:54And then what's cool is if it's your first time there, they'll burn you a DVD for free and take a photo. Who owns it? Probably the studios. Because you go in there and you see they're just playing videos of all the celebrities that have ever gone in there on their days off doing karaoke. And you don't even realize that they're recording and saving all this shit. Wow. So they have some pretty interesting videos. Yeah, that's the funny thing about karaoke, right? You go up there and you nail it. If you've got a really good voice, you're a badass. but if you're like trying and you're failing, it's the worst. Terrible to watch. I never try, though, luckily. I always pick the song that sounds the best when you're drunk, like Crash Test Dummies. So I'll be drunk going, Once the other girl. I'm a big fan of Creed songs for karaoke because all you have to do is just the I heard a stand on her. Just a little of that.

94:44And then it's great. The last time I ever sang karaoke was at the Comedy Works in Montreal. Wow, you did karaoke? and he had one of those karaoke things where your voice, it doesn't matter what you sound like because it's all echoed the fuck. Oh, right, right, right. So I sang Frank Sinatra songs. We're doing shots. We're fucking trash. That place is an awesome comedy club. The Comedy Works in Montreal. The guy Jimbo who owns it, one of the funniest guys. I'm there the December, whatever it is, it's like 10th or 11th or 9th. Doesn't matter. It's all sold out. Yeah, it's all sold out. But it's the day before the UFC. it's a hundred seats it's just like oh that's nice size in Montreal dude it's amazing I have a question now when you when you have these dates like this Montreal date that you said has been sold out for so long have you ever thought hey maybe I should go there a day early and do two more nah I can't do it

95:33I don't have time I have a question can I use the bathroom yeah uh oh this is gonna be it's on this is from the coffee oh it's from PP yeah me too I have to you both have to you gonna leave me here by myself you fucks I'll stay Brian don't leave me man don't leave me so anyways then later that night at the 50 cent night we went to the comic so how are your pals with Dana D'Armond from the Nasty show from Sam Tripoli show is that you met her yeah I met her briefly there she's fucking funny dude she is hilarious she says some funny shit man she wrote a tweet once on Twitter it said question what was the craziest thing I ever had up my ass answer cat toys you know what's so funny is she is like her biggest turn on is transsexuals And I was like, dude, I'm the biggest pussy and I have a dick. Does that count? But no, no. But she's one of the best hecklers too.

96:29Like I will never take her to one of your shows because she has this whole thing where she – If somebody sucks, she will let them know they suck. She did that to Mike Young, right? Well, to be fair, Mike Young, it was really like 2 a.m., but Mike Young got thrown on stage. He didn't even know what was going on there. and he was kind of like, I don't know, maybe he had had a long night or whatever, but she went right into him. And then it got to the point where he was just like, Mike's a pimp. So Mike brings out just this girl of his whip because he couldn't really fight the heckle, I don't think. So he brought out a girl? He brought out the girl. You know how he's always there with a girl, you know? So he brought his girl on stage. I think you're cock-bocking him right now. No, no, no, no. I mean, like, friends. His pals. His pals. And so then, like, he just kind of, like, the act turned into

97:10just showing the girl's legs and stuff on stage. Oh, okay. so he stopped trying with the comedy. And did he respond to her heckles? I think he tried. She was bragging all about Conquest on Twitter the next day. The problem was that she was doing this heckle thing at karaoke bar, too. So when people didn't know the song, she's like, why did you pick this song if you don't know how to do it? She was making me nervous. So I kind of got nervous when she was in the comedy store because I didn't want anyone to get mad at me because I was there with her. So I kind of hid. That's hilarious, man. That bitch is crazy. Who is this? This Dana D'Armond, this porn star that was heckling Mike Young. Have you heard of her? Yeah, a friend of mine knows her. She does that nasty show all the time. Yeah, she likes to do stage stuff. I'm sorry, the naughty show. It's called the naughty show. She does stage stuff?

97:56I mean, she actually does stuff outside of porn. I did some show with her at UCB a long time ago. She was one of those celebrity or panelist judges sort of thing. Yeah, well, I think it was the judge for the dirtiest sketch show, actually, is what it was. So she was on the panel. but I've heard a bunch of different things about her doing stuff within the comedy realm. Isn't that funny? That's a funny combination. The stripper slash porn star slash, you know, and then comedians. That's weird. That's also weird with that. What's that girl? Sasha Gray, who's now like an actress and stuff. Well, she's very smart, man. It's really interesting listening to that girl talk. I don't know what her deal is, but she has like all these different videos online, Sasha Gray on Sasha Gray. It's like, she's like, whatever she is, I don't know what the fuck happened to her. I don't know what her deal is, but whatever she is,

98:45that's her. Like she's very comfortable in her own skin. Yeah. Right. I mean, I feel like she's, uh, she's interesting because she's not the typical porn star. I don't, I don't feel like, you know, I've watched those. I don't feel like I'm like getting anything enlightening out of it, but it's definitely interesting that she doesn't fit the mold. It's always weird to me when one person transcends out of a business, you know, when like all of a sudden there's this one guy who's known as this incredible bulwer, you know what I'm saying? I mean, like, who's the best pool player ever? You ask the average person. Minnesota Fats. I heard Minnesota Fats is amazing. You know, there's a person who somehow or another becomes more famous than everybody else and becomes that sport or that game. Like a Lance Armstrong. Name me one other fucking guy who races bikes, right? Lloyd Landis is the only one I know. Okay.

99:30I don't even know who that guy is. He won, but he got his title taken away from doping. Well, dude, we have a friend who was a professional cyclist who teaches jiu-jitsu now, and he tells me everyone's on it. Well, the thing that he got busted for, which I think is total bullshit, is that it's something about they're not allowed to oxygenate their blood. They do this weird thing where they train at altitude, and they'll take their own blood. Blood doping. Yeah, they reinsert it back in their body. How come you can't do that? That seems ridiculous to me. It's your own goddamn blood. Because it gives you an unfair advantage, and the idea is you're supposed to all be on a level playing field. But I see your point. If it's your blood, yeah, you should be able to do whatever you want. but they also have that EPO stuff. That's what he told me they all take. Is that like the hyperbaric chamber effect?

100:15No, no, no. EPO is some sort of a chemical agent, some sort of a drug. You take it, and what it does is it makes you produce more red blood cells so your body produces. So it's the same effect as that. Yes, just like living in altitude. And apparently a lot of real heavy, hardcore endurance people use it because it just produces more blood cells. Isn't that how they test for it? The only way to test for it is to take your blood before they have a constant blood sample, right? No, I don't think so. I think EPO shows up. I think it does. I think it's a banned substance. And I think it hasn't always shown up. There was a long time where they weren't testing for it. But I think they've also retroactively tested people, gone back and tested samples that they still kept and caught people using it. There's a bunch of shit that they take, man. I wonder what would happen if I took that.

101:00If it gets you high by any means, you know, or if it just makes you feel powerful. I'll tell you, when I was living in the mountains, when I was at 8,500 feet above sea level, I was there for a couple of months and I did a gig in Philly where I was in Philly for like three days in a row and dude I felt like a fucking Superman really it was crazy because I had just gone from the mountains to the water to sea level I was at the gym working out I couldn't believe how much energy I had it was crazy I was telling my friends I was like dude I feel like I can throw these fucking weights like you just feel like you have so much more vibrancy to your body because you have all this extra blood but then it probably also can give you strokes and shit too yeah Yeah. EPO kid at least. Same with, I took some oxygen once in the desert because I was like, we were super hot and we were shooting and I thought I was going to pass out. Wow.

101:48Took a bunch of oxygen and I felt like 10,000 times better after that. I was thinking about getting a home. Like a mask? Yeah, just pure oxygen at like, I don't know, four, I can't remember what the rate is. You have that oxygen scrub where we should just start sucking on that. Dude, that stuff is great. While we're doing the show. It gets you. We can have it there but the problem is it's not a uniform sound. It goes like this. All right. Some of the hotels that when we stayed in Seattle last time... Had an oxygen bar? No, had oxygen in the bathroom. Remember that? There was like shampoos, soaps, and oxygen. Yeah, like a container that you put in your mouth. Yeah. That stuff is great. I really think it's the best thing. I tried hell to get an oxygen tank at home, but weirdly there's a lot of red tape. You have to have a prescription for it. Yeah, for oxygen. Well, it can explode and kill everyone.

102:36It could turn you into a fucking plate of meat. Right. But I just want a little tank, just a little tank, you know, when I'm hung over and want to watch TV. Well, hyperbaric chambers, I've always thought that's fascinating, too. And, you know, some people use those to heal. Like Uriah Faber, who's an MMA fighter, he's famous for using this hyperbaric chamber. Michael Jackson had one too. Yeah, exactly. Apparently, you get in there and you can go in there for like a couple hours and you feel like you got a 10-hour sleep. You feel fucking fantastic when you come out of there. You feel all refreshed. Yeah. I don't know. So it seems like a good thing to have, though, because if it does that, if it makes you heal quicker from injuries, it's got to make you heal quicker from life, right? It's got to like a couple hours out of day. I mean, do you have to necessarily be in the chamber?

103:14Couldn't you just have like a bed that had oxygen flowing on your face when you're sleeping or something? I don't know exactly what a hyperbaric chamber does. I'm not exactly sure what it does, but I'm pretty sure it's a lot more complicated than that. It increases the pressure. I think that's what it is, right? It increases the barometric pressure. Yeah. So it's basically like being underwater, but without being underwater. I don't know. I don't understand how it works. But what it does is it assists in healing. Remember that when Michael Jackson was told about how everyone thought, he's the craziest motherfucker in the world. That's ignorance right there. I'm like, wait a second. It's just oxygen. It's actually probably pretty good. It is kind of spacey, though. It's very fucking alien-like. The image of him climbing into this tube like some fucking star child. A bunch of babies around him. Monkeys.

103:57The oxygen babies. And fucking amusement park ride. Those are just my oxygen babies. When I talk about the isolation tank, if people don't know what it is, if somebody brings it up. Yeah, yeah. I want to do that so bad. And when people bring it up, the first thing they say is, oh, is that like that Michael Jackson thing? You have one of those chambers in your house? I have one. I have one in my house. You have a, oh, is it a water one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are so incredible. You should do it, man. Where do you live? What part of Hollywood do you live in? I live downtown. You live downtown? Yeah. Well, you can go to Venice. Venice has a great one. It's called the Float Lab. Yeah, he just contacted me and offered me anytime I wanted to. Float Lab guy? Yeah. Yeah, he's great. Nice guy. Yeah, he's a fucking scientific genius. Can he do that? Evil genius, crazy man. And isn't it almost like a psychedelic experience?

104:37Yeah, we've talked about it on the podcast so many times I can't really cover it anymore. Got it. But it's exactly what it is. It's what happens is your body produces, you know, your brain becomes untethered from your body. Your body has no sensory input and you just start having these psychedelic images. Oh, man. These dreams and it gets really trippy. Cool. Yeah, but that's fascinating and everything, but just for the relaxation. of it right you get you walk out of there you feel so good it's like all the all the strain has been removed from your muscles you know it's an amazing feeling everybody's trying we keep talking about doing it on the podcast but nobody ever does you should do a podcast inside an isolation chamber we thought about doing that but that would defeat the whole purpose the whole purpose of the thing is that you're not supposed to make any or talk any or you know do not sounds

105:19you're supposed to just empty you disappear i think the best podcast is we all ate mushrooms a half hour before we started do do do do and then saw it coming on right and then right when we get to the panic mode. Sorry, we gotta go. Bye! Hit the kill switch. The only problem with that is you couldn't really, you couldn't A, announce that you were gonna do it. You couldn't say that you were doing it while you were on the podcast. Yep. It's so tricky, man. Because if somebody wanted to go after you and say you're doing something illegal. We would just do it and not tell anybody and it would be the fucking weirdest podcast ever. The mushrooms are, California has like the worst mushroom laws in the country. Do they really? They do. You can, they have their, every aspect of psychedelic mushrooms are illegal. In California. In Florida? Really? In Florida, it's like the opposite. You can do whatever you want, basically.

106:02You can grow them. You can have them picked and dry and everything. Really? Yeah, you can't even order. You can't order stores. I thought it was a federal issue, though. It is, but somehow it's a state thing as well. I don't know. It's like marijuana. It breaks down, yeah. But there's no really. It should be, but there's no prescription psychedelics. I mean, they should definitely be prescribing mushrooms. There's all these studies that have come out and talked about. There's one that just, someone was talking about it yesterday. About psilocybin? Psychedelic drugs, psilocybin, LSD, and even MDMA, they actually improve people's psychological state.

106:33Yeah, psilocybin is a great, great thing, I feel like, because it's one of those things where you can't take too much of it because your body builds up a tolerance so fast that you can basically only trip crazy like once or twice a month before you have to consume mass amounts of mushrooms just to fascinate. It's just like every drug. It's like people that smoke weed every day. If they knew that they could take three days off, a week off, they just reset their marijuana clock. And then now they'll take a hit next week and it'll be so much stronger. Is that all it takes? Oh, it usually takes about three days, I would say. Really? Three to five days. Yeah, to reset. Yeah, I take a long time off sometimes. Sometimes I go a couple weeks without it. Yeah. Depending on if I'm writing. If I'm writing, I don't ever take time off. It's like Doug Benson. You know Doug? Yeah.

107:17That dude, he's one of those guys that smokes all day. Yeah. Now, if that guy just took a week off, he would be back to normal with one joint. I'm so stoned. Yeah, but I think he's enjoying it. You saw the movie, right? Yeah. Super Highman? Yeah. Yeah. I think he enjoys it, though. I mean, I think he enjoys being high all the time. Yeah. I think he does. He's a nice, friendly high guy. Yeah. I think it stops working, though. It's like a teddy bear. Yeah. If you smoke all day long, you're not getting high anymore. You're just kind of... You're definitely not getting obliterated. I had a good friend in high school. You could if you eat it. I have a good friend in high school who once We were in a video store together Are you high right now? He's like, no, I'm not high He smoked so much weed that I thought he was stoned when he was sober That's hilarious We had a kid like that when I was in 7th grade

108:02There was a kid named Victor Browski Victor Browski was a little bit older than us He had failed a year He was a little bit older than us, but he hung out with us He was one of these dudes He looked like, in real life Like a Jim Brewer character of a crazy druggie like say if Jim Brewer was doing Saturday Night Live he's like come on man fucking take it man what's the big deal this guy Vic Dombrowski was fucking nuts and he always had he always had all sorts of fucked up things that I was trying to avoid he and like my friends would go and do drugs with him like whatever they want but he always one of the first times I ever did pot I did it with Vic Dombrowski the gateway kid there's always the gateway kid there's always that kid who like has been held back who helps you get access to the things you're supposed to by the time I was 30 years old I maybe smoked pot

108:45just a handful of times my whole life and one of them was this fucking kid one of them was my stepdad my stepdad gave me some pot when i was eight wow yeah he was smoking weed and i was like let me try it and he let me are you fucking serious oh i'm totally serious wow he was a hippie long-haired hippie man we were living in san francisco that's awesome it was very strange we used to me and my friends and i have these tapes somewhere in ohio me and my friends uh when we were like 15 we would you know get some marijuana and would sit around a tape recorder and just get high and kind of what we're doing right now. Okay. But just three of us. And it was – when you're 15 high, it's different than when you're an adult high. The shit we used to talk about was probably the dumbest, retarded shit ever. Absolutely the dumbest thing ever. How old were you when you were getting high regularly? 15.

109:3115 regular, like every day. Yeah. Well, not every day because we couldn't – it was hard to get when you were 15. We would buy from college kids. So how often would you get it? Well, one of us would get it at least once a week. and would probably smoke maybe two or three times a week. But back then it was different. Back then we had to find places to smoke, like church parking lots or go to malls. You'd be so creative with it. Yeah, it's true. We'd get high in our car using pop cans, and then go into the mall and walk around Chess King and buy stuff like that. Doing the craziest, craziest things just to get the smell, the supposed smell of smoke away. You have this idea as a high school, that it's clinging to you like toxic waste, that it can be smelled hours after.

110:12You know, we'd drive around in the Minnesota winter with the windows down, like for miles, with the windows down after smoking, and just do all this crazy stuff, like change jackets and all this stuff, just in case, you know, because they were so paranoid. Just to throw the dogs off? Everything. So paranoid. That's what I do nowadays. Ever, if you see a fucking dog and you're high, you're like, shit. A dog with a cop? Shit, shit, shit, shit. I was with a friend of mine, and we were stoned. We were driving, and this was in high school, and we hit a deer. Whoa. We were stoned. Oh, my God. That was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me. I thought we were going to be arrested and sent to jail. I was sure like, the first thing I thought was, we've committed a huge crime here. That's fun. I was in the passenger seat, and the deer's head jumped, literally just jumped from bushes,

110:58just arced over the road, so there was no chance of missing it. We were only going like 30 miles an hour, but the deer's head hit the windshield right in front of me and cracked the windshield, and the deer kind of tumbled off the side of the car. and I have like these three indelible images in my brain. One of them is a profile of a deer's head and the windshield breaking. I'm just like, oh my God. Was it a male? Did it have horns? It was like a doe. It was a full-size doe. We didn't kill it though because we were going really slow. So it was in the car with you? Yeah. No, it didn't grow through the windshield. It just cracked it. You know, car windshields are like, it shattered it, but it didn't like bust through it. It was also just the head of it. The body of it was off to the side. So it tumbled off. and I had the passenger side window was down a little bit

111:40and a drop of mud and a drop of blood landed on my thumb. And I was just... Oh my God. There's a crazy one that I saw. It was online. It was a video of this family that had been interviewed after a deer went through their car. A deer went through the front windshield. They slammed into it. The deer went through the front windshield, kicked and smashed its way and went out the back windshield. Nobody died. Nobody died. But the kid, the girl got fucked up. She got like hoofed in the face and her nose was broken and she had two black eyes. And she was like a part of some play or something. So she had to like get ready. She didn't want her understudy to have to do it. She had like two weeks to heal up and she was just jack-mified. And then, you know, the father got fucked up. He had like broken orbital bones and shit. And, you know, deers are fucking dangerous, man. You hit your car like that?

112:28People could die all the time. They go right through the car. Yeah. If you're living in a deer community, it might be a better, It might be a good idea to have some big fucking Mad Max-type cage over the front of your car. Well, we used to always have it because in Ohio, it's pretty bad. We used to have those little things you put on your bumpers that whistled. Oh, it scares them? Yeah. Those actually work, though. I feel like they kind of work. They can't. Never hit one. What if it runs out of batteries? Then you're fucked. Well, I don't think it's batteries. I think it's the wind. It's kind of like a whistle that you put on your car. So when you drive, the air goes through it and makes a sound that you can't hear, like a dog whistle. And I mean, it seems like it makes sense. I think they kind of work but I don't think they actually work because if they did it would probably be mandatory to have them

113:08or something because insurance companies pay out the ass when people I've been in the car like six or seven times hitting deer yeah there's a lot of Minnesota yeah Minnesota's packed with them right yeah well the problem is there's no natural predators in like the city areas so there's no these herds just go crazy you don't have mountain lions there's no mountain lions there's coyotes maybe on the way outskirts and timber Timberwolves up north But in southern Minnesota There's nothing For them to Nothing to kill them So they just They breed Over the last hundred years There's been two Instances of wolves Killing people I just found this out The other day One of them They killed and ate this guy The wolves did Yeah they found him When they were eating this guy It was in 2005 Then there was a woman Recently in 2010 Is that what Did you just google that Or did you find it Like did you just Accidentally stumble on it Or is he saying

113:56I remember the story I remember the story That's how fucked up I am I remember the story because I had a conversation with someone where they were talking about... It was the dumbest conversation ever. It was like, who would win, a gorilla or a grizzly bear? And it was one of those conversations, and I was saying a grizzly bear would fuck a gorilla. Yeah, I think so. A grizzly bear would do whatever it wanted to do. But maybe the gorilla would do something smart. Oh, no. I would have picked the gorilla. Really? Yeah, I would have picked gorillas. They're just crazy strong for some reason. Yeah, but so are bears, and they're way bigger. Like a Kodiak... Like a big bear is like 2,000 plus pounds. Gorillas don't get to be that big. Did you ever find the answer? Yeah. Well, I don't know. It's just speculation. I mean, I think probably Japanese people have probably done it for a video. They do it with bugs and tigers.

114:36Oh, yeah, those bugs. I've seen tigers versus lions. They've done that. They did tigers versus crocodiles. Like an actual. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They make them fight each other. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was a Japanese video. I might not be correct about that. It might have been a Japanese subtitle of a video somebody else made. But I saw a tiger versus a lion. I saw them. They do a lot of them with bugs. They have bug contests. Yeah, those stag beetles. Yeah. I saw some documentary about that. It's really interesting. They're like obsessed with those beetles. They gamble on them too. Yeah. But nobody's going to stand up for a beetle. Isn't it funny? It's like we know they're alive, but they're not quite close enough for us to give a fuck. Not quite sentient. You can have like a TV show where you have these things battle to the death and nobody would freak out. Yeah.

115:20People got pissed off at me at the snail video I did that back in the day. Yeah. But here's the thing about snails though. The thing about snails is that people more relate to snails than they do to beetles because snails are soft. And they move slow. Isn't that crazy? But don't they eat snails? We don't eat beetles. Yes, we eat snails. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. We eat deer. We love deer. But I think there's a certain... No one gets upset if you go to the store and buy ant spray. If you're going to go fuck up some ants. There's no people standing in front of the ant spray aisle picketing. But they'll go crazy about Kentucky Fried Chicken. That and cats. People love cats. Of course. You don't like cats? I can't stand them. Actually, we did a thing on the show. I fucking hate them. You hate them? Yeah. You're a terrible person.

116:02We shot with a submarine on Mega Drive, and we decided we'd get a bunch of cats and bring them with a submarine, because cats hate water, so it'd be kind of a little payback. I mean, it's cute, but I just don't, I don't know. I just am a dog person, right? Maybe it's a colon thing. It could be, yeah. Actually, no, a friend of mine who doesn't have a colon as well, he loves cats. So it doesn't make any sense. You know what, man? I could see your point though I've had some cunty cats In the past But I've got really cool cats now It's all in what kind of cats You're around But dogs Dogs are always more interactive I don't hate cats I just You don't give a fuck I don't want to injure them I don't want to hurt them Right But I just Don't give a fuck I just want them to be away Yeah Get out of here you needy cunt Keep my distance Keep my distance From my body Needy fucking hole Yeah We had a Peter rep on set For that For the

116:48Really To decide how many Was the appropriate number of cats To put in a two man submersible How many did they agree on They, under five, had to be less than five cats. That's what someone was deciding. Arbitrary. I know. It's one of the things, because it's definitely a precedent. I don't think it's ever happened before. They never had to decide what is the right amount of cats. And this cat shit all over. She kissed all over the pilot, not me at all. She's probably scared, right? Oh, yeah, definitely scared. But they were really cool. I was kind of disappointed. I was hoping for, like, some total freaked out. They'd be bouncing around like little rubber bullets. So they just said, all right, let's just deal with this. I just kind of sat there and clenched into my thighs. These people have a plan. Yeah, when we did Fear Factor, they visited us a bunch of times, a bunch of different stunts.

117:28There was some PETA representatives or some animal, you know, some group representative. Always wanted to make sure that we weren't doing anything fucked up. From the horse vagina union? Well, it was really like, really issues were like rats. Oh, okay. Like we did some stuff with rats, you know, where like rats got piled onto each other. And, you know, a certain amount of rats on top of each other, it becomes chaos because there's a rat at the bottom there under 30 layers of rats. What's happening to that rat? Yeah, and it seemed like you also guys had stunts where there's people in things of rats where you could just step on the rats. They did. They stepped on them. Yeah, I'm sure they did. I like rats. They tried to avoid it, but people would scream and the rat would bite them. Fuck, fuck, I stepped on it. People hate rats, man. I feel like they're pretty cool.

118:09Well, until they're trying to eat your ass. Have you ever lived in New York City? No. Dude, I was in New York City once and I was at a gas station and I moved to it. This is how long ago this is. I didn't even have a cell phone. and I had to go over to a payphone to make a call and I'm maybe 10 yards away from my car at a payphone and I'm watching rats jump all over my wheels, climb up into my wheel housing, climb down. Big ones, dude, big ones. Like small cats, like half the size of a cat. And they're just jumping all over me. I'm like, whoa, this place is infested. And then they would climb into the sewer grates and I'm like, what does it look like down there? Because this is fucking nuts. I swear to God, man, I was in there, I was talking on that phone for maybe two, three minutes at least a dozen rats climbed all over my fucking wheel. I see a lot of rats out here in LA. I go in my backyard at night

118:55and the power wires are just like, it's like a train. Yeah, I see, we get them up here in the hills. I see them downtown a lot. There's tons of them down there. But nothing like New York, I don't think, because New York has that whole underground layer. They say there's more rats than there are people. Many more. Way more. Yeah. Wrap your head around that shit, man. I used to date a girl that had a rat that she just let run around the whole house. It was a smart rat, though. I mean that's the thing That's the thing about it It's weird You're taking your chances With a chick with a rat Right? Yeah I guess so You're taking your chances Yeah You know But it's one of those things Where I'm sure it's like It's like the hot crazy chick You know it's She's got her She's crazy But she's We were just talking about that At the beginning of the show Before we ever started We were talking about A certain someone that we know

119:37Has a certain situation Where there's a certain hot chick Who's crazy as fuck And she's into him And he's trying to figure out What the fuck to do And I'm saying run Run like the breeze Run I think you have to try to engage the animal. Escape. Tame it, maybe, perhaps? Like breaking a stallion? You can't tame it. Yeah, I think it's like breaking a stallion, where it's like one of those things where you have to just make an attempt to engage the beast and get what you can from it and think. Hmm. You say that, but you're young. How old are you? Well, I'm 29. Yeah. But I have dated, I dated a crazy girl. How crazy? She was bipolar, and I was in college. and she it was one of those things where for one ending that relationship was very difficult because bipolar people don't deal with those type of things very well so it was like you know 4am someone painting on my front door kind of crap like creepy crazy shit and I don't know

120:33she was painting like things on your front door like scratching stuff into the door ooh and you weren't home you were home you were sleeping I think I was yeah she's below you awake clawing at wood. Yeah, I was... Like a fucking zombie. Stuff like that. I mean, she wasn't like the craziest bipolar, but there's... I can definitely have sympathy for that situation because it's something I think a lot of people get into because it's that thing where there are a lot of people who are bipolar are very intriguing because they're crazy, but they're also maybe very talented or interesting. Like Prince in Purple Rain. Yeah. Or also just totally hot. He's mysterious. I always say that if I had a time machine and I could go back in time to when I was 17, That's what I'd do I'd go straight Straight fucking mystery Prince and Purple Rain I'd be wearing Fucking big coats to school Girls would think I would be amazing Yeah I'd have a big trench coat

121:20And shit I'd have secrets Lots of secrets I'd be very dark That would be nice That's the move For dumb chicks man Be a mystery They love it Yeah You know He's so different He's like Thelonious Monk I've gotta go You're like Batman bro You're living up in a castle Somewhere in the dark Like Thelonious Monk There you go He's a musician He's brilliant He's amazing He's amazing He doesn't like to give interviews he doesn't like to give interviews he doesn't even have cell phones oh my god he's amazing if you didn't have a cell phone that would be like a chick magnet yeah right I don't have email I don't believe in it I don't do email I'm all about the moment I'm all about interacting with people I want the real experience but then Norm Macdonald would be really hot right now if that was the case well he does have a phone he does have a phone and Dana White too he was talking to me about Norm was on our plane when we were flying back

122:02from Detroit we were in Detroit by the way Ann Arbor Michigan fucking rocks we had a great time dude me and Tommy Segura did the comedy showcase in Ann Arbor. Fuck, what a great club. Perfect size, like 250 people, low ceiling, super awesome town. Everybody was all stoners and cool people. Apparently, it's like this really hip area of Michigan. Ann Arbor is like a college town. This dude who lived there, so this is like a mini Austin that's frozen. Yeah, it's nice there. It's nice. Audiences were fucking great. It was a good fucking time. What was my plan? What were we talking about? Norm Macdonald not having a phone. Oh, so Norm was on the way back. We were on the plane with him just randomly sitting next to him, which is cool. It happened once before where he was actually the seat next to me. That's right. I was with you that time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't have a cell phone? He doesn't have a... He does now.

122:47He does, but he was looking at the iPhone 4 like it was some fucking time machine. He's like, yeah, I was thinking about getting one of those. Is it good? iPhone 4, huh? I would love not to have a phone. That would be nice. It's like I can't do it, though. Norm doesn't drive. He's never driven. I would love not to drive. Really? Yeah, I can't stand driving. But you're on a show where you drive. That's the irony. You really don't like driving? I don't like driving my car on the 134. Right. In traffic. Driving in the city is the most uninspiring experience in the whole world. I feel like every time I get in a car, it's like my brain just becomes that much less powerful. It just crushes my will. My friend Tony V told me something once. Tony V is a comic from Boston. And he was making this trek from New York to Boston. He was doing it on a regular basis, like a three-hour drive. And he had to do what he had to do.

123:35He had a gig in New York, and he lived in Boston. So I was like, what is that like? What are you doing? Are you going crazy? This fucking drive, that's a nutty drive duo. He goes, I just go zen. He goes, I'm in my car, I'm driving. I go, this is what I'm doing now. And that's how I look at it. I go, wow, I never even thought about it that way. But that really is like, you can decide that this fucking sucks. I can't, meanwhile, how bad does it suck, really? What are you doing? You're sitting? Right. Or it requires your concentration. You think you're going to be okay? I just hate that sometimes I space out so much when I drive. Me too. That I'm like, what have I been doing for 10 minutes? Did I kill anybody? Where am I? That's a weird feeling. Am I alive? You have no idea how you're taking this right turn. Right. You're in the middle of the right turn going, whoa, I've done everything correct. Yeah, I think. Maybe.

124:18Maybe I didn't. No, of course you did. Otherwise, you would have woken up out of your trance. Maybe. But it's good, though. You go on autopilot, right? Right. If you do a route over and over and over and over and over again like that, man, you really can go on autopilot. See, that I don't mind, but it's the stuff where you can't go on autopilot. Because I feel like in LA, you can't because people strive so aggressively all the time. It's true. You have to be defensive to some content of fucking Volkswagen. Too many humans. It was so much different when I lived in Boulder. People drove so much nicer, so much more polite. It was a big, big, big difference to the point where when I came back, when I was going back and forth, and when I was over there for two months, then I came back, and I was like, whoa, this is crazy. You really wrap your head around how fucking fast everybody's going.

124:57Everybody's trying to take that right turn on red. Even when someone's coming, they just fucking gun the gas. I was like, whoa, what is that, saving you two seconds? What the fuck is going on? Whereas in Boulder There was like None of that Everybody was waving And everybody And everybody was driving Right That's what I like to do If someone cuts me off Really aggressively I like to pull up next to them And just be like Hey Hey Hey how you doing Like I'm like Like a crazy person How's it going Hey Brandy's gonna rear end you Brandy Oh Brandy Brandy the singer How dare you She got shot She killed somebody No she did She fucking killed somebody Yeah She ran into somebody With a car That's what I do not get at all If you're rich and famous Like that And you're like you're going to go out and be crazy, why not just get someone to drive you? Like Paris Hilton should never be driving. Why would you?

125:41Well, I think a lot of them are real private and they don't want anybody to be in their life like that all the time. Well, you hire a hot chick to be your driver. They don't want their freedom to be taken away. They want to be able to just, I want to leave right now, you know, get in your car and go. You don't want to have to pay someone to be on 24 hours. You could, but you got to plan it out. You know, they like having a car, but I'm totally in agreement with you. Yeah. I think there's like an illusion of freedom with the car. It just happens. What she did is a fuck-up. It could have happened to anybody. It could have happened to anybody. Yeah, it wasn't paying attention. Yeah, it's unfortunate. That was like the worst person ever to happen to. I guess I'm thinking more like Paris Hilton Lindsay Lohan types, like why they are driving at all. All coked up. Because they're partying, man.

126:16They're out there getting their freak on. Right. But Lindsay Lohan keeps causing herself problems. You call it problems. I call it entertainment. Okay, let's be real about this. It's not that big of a problem. She's not living in Liberia fighting off cannibals. Right. Well, this is what I think they should have done with her. Because she keeps being a thing. Everyone has a theory. I'll fix her. This is the best thing they could have done. Because it was L.A. County problem, right? So she goes to L.A. County. You need to talk about this. I got to piss. Okay. She goes, it's L.A. County problem. So she goes to L.A. County court system. What they should have done, they should have mandated her to be the public spokesperson for Metro, for Los Angeles Metro. Make her take the fucking bus. That would be like the best sentence for her. They just force her to take the bus.

126:55She's got a bunch of bodyguards, but she has to take the bus. And you can get around fine on public transit in Los Angeles. People do it. And it would almost be fun to try to get on the same bus as Lindsay Lohan. That would be such a great thing for Metro because they need all the positive stuff they can get because they're just vilified constantly, as they should be kind of. And it would also be the perfect punishment fits the crime kind of thing for her. Absolutely. But no one ever thinks to do something actually insightful as far as punishment goes because it's all you have to do. I want to try my shot at dating Lindsay Lohan. I think it would be one of those fixer-uppers. probably a little bit harder than the most normal girl. It just seems like she definitely does not have a normal probably does not. Well, she's lesbian now. That's why. We've already talked about how you can't fix a man.

127:44Wait, who's a lesbian? Lindsay Lohan's a lesbian? Lindsay Lohan, yeah. How do you know? She's not 100% lesbian, but she was dating Samantha Ronson for a long time. She's Mark Ronson. Why do we care? What's wrong with us? She's a good DJ and her brother's a good musician. She's actually respectable, I'd say. She picked a good lesbian. Yeah. But I feel like that's one of those people who is a lesbian because, like, whoever gives you the most attention. What's that? She met a bunch of douchebag dudes. That and, like, if you meet, she probably met some lesbian who did the mind meld and, like, you know, you are mine kind of thing. Hmm. Speaking of lesbians. Yeah. What about them? I don't know. They're awesome. Brian's a big fan of them. Yeah. Lesbians are attracted to me. Well, he's the next step in the evolutionary chain. You know, it goes monkey to man. Brian's somewhere in there.

128:35I get mistaken for a lesbian, so I guess I'm more evolved. Do you? I'm attracted to you. I bet you could pull that shit off. Yeah, I feel like I could pull it off too well, which would be like. Well, today anybody can. Have you ever seen that male porn star that used to be a chick? I think his name is Joe Buck. Joe Buck. Have you ever seen it? It's really crazy because I guess he takes a bunch of testosterone. Takes a bunch of testosterone, excuse me, and he's altered his body and his shape. Go look it up real quick. Go Google that shit right now. You need to see it because it's really strange. But how did you find out about this? Was he Googling wolves and then you're like, I'm horny. It's not Buck. It's not Joe Buck. Joe Buck is a sports guy. Okay, it's the wrong guy. Joe Buck is a guy. You are getting in trouble with all the sports guys. Joe Buck is a guy from Midnight Cowboy. That's what John Boyd's...

129:20Joe Buck. Oh, was it? Yeah, one hell of a stud. Joe Buck is an HBO guy. He's like an ESPN, HBO type guy. It's not him. It's another one. Well, now he's going to... Joe Rogan, you called me a transvestite. Well, I had a thing with this fucking male MMA reporter recently. Yeah, that's retarded. What do you mean? Well, there was a... But good comeback, by the way. That's a dish bag. I'm sorry. Take that out and make it a cocksucker. I call him a faggot. The guy's an asshole. And this is my deal with the guy. And I don't even need to say this guy's name. But what this guy does is he goes and he works for various websites and critiques mixed martial artists, the guys who are fighting these tournaments. And he says a lot of really fucking stupid, mean shit. Like just dumb, insensitive, and incorrect. And he does it all the time. And I would read it and it would drive me crazy.

130:14Because I know that this is a person who is for sure has never fought and competed. Because if they did, they'd have more respect for the people that are competing. So he shits on the fighters? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll read you some of the dumb shit that he says because he says a lot of really dumb shit. I don't understand that. It's like people who talk shit about soldiers and stuff. Well, you know. How can you say that? I can understand thinking that war is wrong and you're killing people. Yeah, but that's different than talking about soldiers. It's like that Westboro Baptist Church that pickets soldiers' funeral. Oh, yeah. God hates fags. The God hates fags. Right. I mean, there's like a... So this guy, I got upset with this guy because this is one of the things that happened was He criticized me about a technique, a martial arts technique.

130:54There's a bunch of different names for this technique, and one of them is the right one. Well, he's not a practitioner of martial arts, so he only knows one name for this technique. So he criticized me, and he said I was clueless. So I got annoyed, and I wrote that this guy's a dumb cunt, and this is exactly what it's called. And before it was ever that, it was something else. So this is just my response to it. And then I start going over some of this guy's articles and all the shit that he's written about other fighters. And I start reading some of the shit that he wrote. and there's more just it's always negative cunty shit he did it about this guy sean mccorkle and did it about this guy jake shields so then i go to his fucking his twitter and it's all just negative negative negative what's he look like i have no idea there's no photos of him online are

131:36you serious no photos how is that possible he's just a round ball he probably knows he knows that uh you know he doesn't want to put it out there because he knows he's gonna just get it so i just go off on this guy and i call him a faggot so after i call him a faggot he makes this post saying that I used a homophobic slur. And this is my favorite part about it, that I needed to apologize to. It was like a weird quote. It wasn't just lesbian. It was like lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer. Oh, wow. Queer's in their tier. Queer's in trans. Very informed with all these terms. Well, it's just weird that, first of all, if that's a real acronym, is it an acronym if it doesn't say a word? I don't know, right? I think it is, yeah. Yeah, I think it is, right? If it's a bunch of letters, like CIA, you don't say CIA. Yeah, it's still an acronym. It is.

132:24Like NASA stands for National Air Nox Space Administration. NASA. But CIA, you just have to say the letters. I think it's still an acronym, though. Is it? Yeah. Okay. Technically. Anyway, so he makes this ridiculous thing that, you know, completely dodging the fact that he was absolutely incorrect. All these people told him that is the correct name for this. And the K-1 expert, the guy who does K-1 kickboxing, Michael Schiavella, he jumps on the thread and he does all this. all this guy's doing is is rallying on the fact that i called him a faggot you know that i'm i've said this hurtful thing so you know and we've had this conversation so many fucking times and i i see everyone's point i see you say well it's a homophobic slur and you shouldn't say it i get that i get that but isn't intent what's supposed to be important about words yeah isn't that when

133:09you totally is you know he knows i'm not calling him a homosexual i'm calling him a faggot maybe He probably were in that term, though. I wasn't, though, because there's nothing wrong with gay people. I have no problem with actual gay people. That word has changed so much not to mean what it does. Yeah, it's not even a bad word for gay people anymore, is it? Well, it is to gay people. That's a faggot. It's a sensitive topic right now. Gay used to be fun and grand and we'll have a gay old time. That's the fucking Flintstones, man. Now gay is gay, is homosexual. Well, even the word gay just barely means... I almost never hear someone say something is gay when they're talking about someone, oh, that coffee pot's gay. They don't mean that coffee pot is fucking just a... That sucks coffee pot. They mean it's stupid or boring or dumb. What gets me that's really gross is this artificial outrage. Yeah.

133:57You're going to press this button, and now you've got a magic gift. You left behind the sack. It's like the World of Warcraft. He said, faggot. Oh, look what I've got. I've got a new trick, and I'm going to make a big deal. You should apologize because you used the magic. You know, somehow or another, it changes what happened. You know, because you've said this word. Now you're an insensitive person. Yeah. You know, this fucking hot-button word. Like, Dad, Dad, he called me a faggot. Like, he's changing the whole argument. Instead of it being that he's an incompetent idiot who doesn't really know anything about martial arts and is inherently negative in everything he says. It's just like, it's basically like he grabs the thesaurus, tries to sound intelligent, says a bunch of stupid shit, and just wrong over and over and over and over again. I mean, I can fucking tell you all these different...

134:42I mean, if you go to the JoeRogan.net forums, the message board, there's a thread. And the thread is entitled, in the Combat Sports Forum, official Thomas Rios thread of incompetence and debauchery. And douchery, rather. It's amazing because it's over and over again, this guy being an asshole and being wrong. Being an asshole and being wrong. But this is the sad state of MMA today. The journalists in MMA are so bad. There's like a few standouts and a bunch of loudmouth, contrarian douchebags. That's the case of journalism in general, I feel like. I feel like no one, there's maybe three actual journalists doing anything. I don't want to say three. There's a lot. I know what you're saying, though. I know what you're saying. Everyone's a reporter. No one's a journalist. And everyone's trying to get attention on themselves, not based on their merits, but based on being an asshole.

135:27There's a guy that I respect very much. His name is Ariel Helwani, and he's a journalist. He's a great guy, too. And every time he interviews someone, it's a really intelligent, well-thought-out interview. He's never negative. He's always positive. And he's a universally loved reporter because of this. If he was a writer, it would be the same goddamn thing. He would be universally loved. There's guys like that that get their attention that way. And there's guys like this. So I decided to go after this guy. So I decided to just shit all over him. And I wrote a response to his being upset that I said faggot. And I said, I apologize. and I understand that even though I love that word, people can view it the wrong way. So please replace the word faggot with cocksucker. Oh, okay. What the fuck, man? I love that line. This is the dumb game we're playing. It's the word. He said the magic word. You can't say that.

136:15You know what I mean, motherfucker. Stop playing. Stop pretending I'm shitting on all these gay people because I love gay people. I have no problem with gay people. I don't like douchebags. I don't like assholes. I don't like cunts. You want to call them faggots? Whatever you want to call them. You know what I'm talking about. I'm not talking about a negative name for homosexual people. And we are getting tied up in fucking PC bullshit in this country. We are appeasing people who are pretending to be hurt. And you know why? Because life's too fucking soft. That's why. Because food is easy. You can go to Burger King or the fucking supermarket. You don't have to go hunt it. So we're raising a bunch of pussies and faggots. And it has nothing to do with gay. It has to do with people being weak, dumb bitches. Soft and looking for an easy way out. And I'm going to win the lottery. And I'm going to, ooh, you said that.

136:59Now I win. Ooh. Just a bunch of weird bitches just looking for tricks. And it's a huge problem we have with this country. And it should not be in the craziest, most pure and real sport in the world. This sport, mixed martial arts, should be about honor. It should be about two dudes giving their all and risking everything, putting it all on the line. And they should be treated with respect. There's going to be ones that aren't as good as others. There's going to be people that try and fail. And maybe they'll learn. And maybe they won't. Maybe other people will learn from their mistakes. And that's their contribution to the sport. but you have to respect and honor every single one of them. And for some fucking anonymous cunt, some shithead, to be just sitting behind a computer just douching on these guys left and right and left and right, it's disgusting. And you can do one of two things.

137:43You can do nothing, or you can do to him what he does to other people and make him feel it. So that's what I decided to do. I don't really give a fuck about this guy. If this guy got hit in the head by a meteor, it wouldn't change my pulse. I don't give a fuck. But I think that things like this should be, you should point out things like this. Being a positive person is a really important thing. Being nice to people as much as possible is a really important thing. But another important thing is cutting assholes off at the root. Stopping them. You have to call people out on something. Yes, you have to because by not creating this negativity and dealing with douchebags, you allow more negativity. Somebody has to do something. I mean, the reason why Hitler didn't take over the world is because someone fucking stepped up and did something. Or groups of people stepped up and did something.

138:25Whenever someone's in a... And I'm not comparing this dude to Hitler. You grandiose douchebag Are you What are you The beach at Normandy You fucking storming Plus Hitler wasn't a faggot I hear that Obama I hear that Obama Is like Hitler Isn't he Of course he's black bro Don't you follow The tea party side You are a white boy You know the handshake Obama's Hitler He's also Mussolini He's Indonesian Oh Stalin He's also He's a communist Indonesian Stalin worshipper I forgot about that Is there ever going to be A president we love again Is there ever going to be Anyway because everybody wanted me to address this. That's what I had to address this. I don't really give a fuck what that guy does. Faggotry. Brian says that. I think that word's hurtful. Faggotry. What's important in this life is that you get checked every now and then. And someone said this in one of the threads on the Mixed Martial Arts Forum.

139:13They said on MixedMartialArts.com, they said, this dude needs his ass kicked. And when you get your ass kicked at some point in your life, that really beats the douche out of you. And a lot of people have never gotten their ass kicked. And this guy clearly is like that. It's a humbling experience. Yeah, he's just being an asshole over and over and over again. And this sport doesn't need that shit, man. You know, if you want to bring that to fucking darts or whatever. The problem is that this sport is like a magnet to that attitude. Well, it's because there's a lot of people that are involved in this sport that don't train. That's what it is. They're not true martial artists. Most people probably, though. A lot. A lot. A lot do, you know, but a lot don't. And the ones that don't, well, even the ones that don't, a lot of the ones that don't are really cool.

139:50They just appreciate the effort and they love the sport and they love to follow it and they want to be a part of it. There's a lot. but there's a lot of them that are just cunts you know and they need to be outed you know you need to let them know hey this is not cool no you shouldn't be hiring cunts no you shouldn't be letting cunts spread their bullshit if they want to develop their own shit and start their own website there's nothing you can do I'm not saying you should stop that but what I'm saying is you shouldn't be fucking paying cunts money faggots there's a really good South Park episode surprisingly enough about about the word faggot I heard about that it's like bikers or something like that yeah it's like very you know as usual those guys hit the nail on the head always They're very accurate about it. But it breaks it down to where all the kids are calling these bikers,

140:29like these loud Hells Angel type, not Hells Angel, but Harley drivers, riders calling them faggots. And everyone's getting up in arms because they're using that word. And they're like, you can't say that about gay people. I'm like, what? We never say anything about gay people. We're talking about these assholes on the motorcycles. They're faggots. I'm like, what do you mean? What do you mean? And it's so accurate because it's like they're children. and they're like, we don't have a problem with gay people. We have probably these guys driving their loud-ass motorcycles next to our school and stuff. It's magic words. Look, it's any time you have any hateful feeling towards anyone for no reason other than the fact that they're part of a group that's not you, whether it's black or gay or woman or whatever the fuck it is. There's something wrong with that.

141:13Absolutely, inherently, there's something wrong with that. But it needs to be about intent. It can't be about hot-button magic words. It can't be one word that means something that's dehumanized. recognizing it can't be you know because it's that's silly you can't allow a word to be that powerful it's like a landmine or something it's like look but like no one's ashamed of being straight right i don't know anyone that's ashamed i mean i'm sure there must be someone but you know generalizing this there's one crazy dude i'm sure if you can think about it right but then you would probably be gay if you thought that right but what i'm saying is people are comfortable with being gay because they're not persecuted or with being straight because they're not persecuted for it it should be exactly the same with gay people it should be that they're so comfortable with being gay that if straight

141:54if gay people came out with a slang term for straight people if gay people came out with a derogatory term like you fucking breeder yeah breeder is the closest something where people would feel like god I can't believe you called me that there's nothing it doesn't exist it can't happen it should be exactly the same with gay people it should be you call a gay guy a faggot and he's like what? are you really you're making fun of me because I like guys? yeah I like guys who gives a fuck? what's wrong with you? like what's wrong with you stupid? and that's how people would feel somebody called you a breeder. It should be even. That's the real answer. The real answer is not stop magic words. The real answer is everybody should be the fucking same, and you should be able to call everyone a faggot. It shouldn't mean anything. It shouldn't be magic words. Nigger shouldn't be a magic word. Cunt shouldn't be a magic word.

142:38Faggot shouldn't be a magic word. It's nonsense. You should be able to bring those up freely in meetings, in business meetings. Yeah, right. The more you say it, the less power the word has. Exactly. I had a business meeting yesterday about my T-shirts. I got this clothing line called higherprimateclothing.com, and the guys who are the artists that are behind it, they're all these fucking really cool artist dudes with crazy tattoos, and it's a business meeting, and it was like, con and fuck, and it was all, I saw this on the internet, and I saw that, and I said, this dude said, he sent, this guy is like one of the head guys over there, he tells me he sent one guy, one cup, have you ever watched that? One guy, one guy, one cup, or one jar, it'd be one guy, one jar. I'm glad I haven't seen that. He squats over a glass jar, and it goes inside of his body, and breaks in his anus, and it comes out in bloody chunks.

143:21he shoves it into his do you want to watch it right now son? I don't I think the description is anyway the point is this guy this is how crazy this guy is this is my business meeting I had he goes so I sent it to my mom saying here's some new pictures of your grandson no way that's awesome I sent it to my mom saying here's my kid check it out some people just have so then he goes and then he goes and she calls him up you're sick she's a crazy Christian lady apparently she's like you're sick and you're going to hell you're going to hell he goes I just have okay I'm sorry I'm sorry I just have to ask one thing did you watch the whole thing? Of course I did. Yeah, she said that. He goes, well, guess what? You're going to hell too. You knew what the fuck you were doing. You could have shut that off. You watched the whole thing. Yeah, but that's how it should be, man. It shouldn't be this fucking formal fake world.

144:05You know, part of the reason why so many people got fucked over in the financial crisis and so many people put trust into this imaginary fucking stock market and financial system that we have is because it seems like it's all official and everyone's buttoned down and everyone's dressed the right way and they're wearing ties and wearing business suits and they wouldn't fuck me over. They show up in their leather briefcase and they look official and they're doing all the right things and they're not saying all the bad words because I wouldn't trust my money to one of those fellas. Yeah, if you say... Yeah, if you walked in saying cunt faggot nigger, you know, and that's the name of... Hi, welcome to our... This is our bond company. It's called cunt faggot nigger and we're here to take your shit and we're going to make a lot of money. Come on, let's do this. Woo! You ready, dude? Give me a high five.

144:44Like, this guy's shaky. I don't trust him with my money. You know, he has to be like super reserved, slick, buttoned down, predetermined patterns of behavior, easily predictable. He's a gentleman. He has a fucking scarf in his pocket. You know, the whole deal. It's the same with like politicians, the same thing where you can't be, if you fall outside that mode of politician, you're just, you're, you're a wacko. He's a wacko. He's a loon. Like Ron Paul. Yeah. People think Ron Paul is absolutely crazy when the guy has written, he knows more about economic policy than any person sitting on the, any congressman. There's a very, when you ever think that just because people think someone's crazy, that it's a good thing, that you should pay attention. Watch, there's videos of Hitler, and it's back before World War II erupted, where he

145:27was talking about requests from, I guess it was the United Nations at the time, was asking him not to invade certain countries as Nazis, and he starts listing off the names of the countries like he thinks it's a joke. he says one and then he pauses and then he says and this one it's all in german he's saying belgium and france and this and that and they start laughing their fucking asses off they think it's so funny because he's making a joke out of the fact that they didn't just ask him to not invade france they asked him to not invade all these other places because they think we're gonna do it and everybody starts laughing you know that's that's how fucking crazy people can be yeah you can never think that just because the masses think it's funny that it makes sense you know that the masses are going along with it that it makes sense most people are fucking crazy

146:10the reason why society works at all i mean the fact that society works at all is a magic trick it's incredible yeah it's amazing when you think about how fucked up most people are you know most people but yet somehow or another all together we create this magically complicated society where people get in fucking metal tubes and fly all around the world and land into these electronic jungles of lights and it's amazing it all works the way it does because if it was for most people i mean it's just a tiny fraction of the population that's keeping the technological level at the level that it is today most people are in the stone age practically yeah a ton of them well we would be too we we all are a part of this thing that's been created by other people before us i mean this is all shit from my last special but i did a joke about it where i said

146:55if someone if i left you alone in the woods with a hatchet how long before you could send me an email yeah we don't probably never yeah we don't we don't know how any of this shit works we just use it and we turn it on that's why i really feel like there's at some point people can start getting information sickness that whole idea that you know your brain won't be able to won't be able to cope with the how fast technology is advancing imagine what it's going to be like right now exactly imagine what it's going to be like like a few just a few hundred years from now when they talk about if there are people left yeah if they talk about this age and this is the age of change This is the really big end of change. Yeah, it's like the breakneck change, B, because things are happening faster. This technology is changing faster than the humans who consume it can absorb it. Yeah.

147:37You remember when you were a kid when they started talking about the days of the teletype? Yeah. They were like, whoa, they figured that out. They figured out a go dee-dee-dee-dee-dee Morse code and shit and send sounds through the water. That's weird because I have two younger sisters, and one of them is, you know, she's, I guess, about 10 years younger than me anymore. and so she grew up with the internet since she was like you know since she could remember but I learned about the internet you know kind of after like midway through high school started doing stuff with it but then it became like a big thing in college so it was like I didn't learn about it I didn't grow up with it in like the years that matter so it's not like ingrained in my it's not ingrained in me but they're gonna be so much smarter than us yeah but they're smart it's like a different sort of thing it's like they know one thing but there's also

148:20other stuff they just can't they just can't do like there's other things like anything that takes like a long amount of attention or like um anything it takes anything outside the computer world it's difficult it's super difficult yeah chopping wood yeah coming up with the impetus to build a house right it's almost impossible yeah it's not yeah it's weird right fuck things are changing fast man this is the first generation we've had that's been all on the online since for growing up online so my two-year-old she's two and a half years old she knows how to find her favorite movies on iTunes. Yeah, that's incredible. That's awesome. That's scary. It's creepy. It's crazy. It's crazy. She sees icons. She recognizes characters. And, you know, she likes Beauty and the Beast. She goes, oh, it's Belle. It's Belle. She clicks on shit. And she sees the little play arrow. She knows what that is. She hits play. I'm like, whoa.

149:07This is nuts, man. She's already tuned in. She can use a mouse, probably, right? She can use a mouse and a keyboard and stuff. Yeah, well, most, yeah. She knows how to use a trackpad, too. She knows how to use a trackpad. She's two and a half. that's crazy yeah it's like a disconnect that doesn't make sense it really shouldn't make any sense that's weird so weird she knows how to scroll through an iPhone she scrolls through songs and shit with her fingers I've never seen that before that would be creepy it's bizarre she scrolls through looking for her favorite games she like picks up the iPhone she's scrolling through it and it's as big as her head she's fucking two and she's like looking oh and then she clicks on it and then her little game starts playing and then she turns it up and she's playing a game I'm like this is nuts man I'm not going to be able to talk to people in 10 years I feel like that there's going to be like

149:44such a massive disconnect There might not be people in 10 years. There might not. There might be. Cue spooky music. We might have... Play some of the Conet. This is the end of the show, ladies and gentlemen. This bitch went two and a half hours. All right, we did it. Johnny Pemberton is a bad motherfucker, and you should follow him on Twitter, folks, because he wants to be amazed at how many new people he gets today. Watch his new show. The show is on Thursdays at 11 p.m. on MTV. Mega Drive. Mega Drive. And it is on what time? Thursday, 11 p.m.? Thursday, 11 p.m. you gotta watch it I think can you give us a preview of what happens this week this week well I think it's Thanksgiving so we're off okay but the next week I'm riding in that crazy swamp rocket in Florida oh I'm tuned into that one I think it's the DVR the crane the crazy all-terrain train crane that is crane crane and all-terrain train and yeah I think I mean you can see

150:36I'll have posted there's a ton of extra footage and updates you can see on my website or and what's your Facebook address just my just my name just Johnny Pemberton P-E-M B-E-R-T-O-N That's J-O-H-N-N-Y P-E-M-B-E-R-T-O-N And that's Johnny Pemberton on Twitter So you know how to do it, bitch You know how to do it You're not stupid I'm not going to fucking coddle you like a baby It's a whole one Thank you everybody in Detroit Like I said, we had a great fucking time Thank you Johnny for coming over here Thank you Brian Thank you Fleshlight Thank you Fleshlight Yes, thank you Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast And if you've never fucked one of those you don't know what you're missing That's my fucking standard thing that I say, but it is true. It's an excellent masturbation tool. And my new Fleshlight bit is killing them, son. I got a new bit. It's getting longer and longer every week.

151:23We may do one of these bitches tomorrow. I know I lied to you last week and I said we might do it again, but I got busy last week. I had to do a show. And Johnny Pemberton and I are going to do a show tomorrow night at the Improv at Comedy Juice, 10 p.m. Improv on Melrose. All right, that's it. That's the end of our show. Thank you very much. As always, I love you, bitches. Stay positive. Keep it together. Follow the correct path. You can do it. You are not you of yesterday You are the product of your learning And your experiences And what you know you can be Big kiss I agree Bye faggots Bye bye Bye cunts But I've got the weed. Now I'm gonna keep your head.