Candice Thompson

00:00do do do 4 3 2 1 And we're live, Candace. Hi guys. Hi. Oh my god, we're live. Oh my god. What do you What were you saying about Hereditary? That's supposed to be a terrifying movie, right? That's what they said. That's what they said. They meaning the media. And like Huffington Post, I think. I So that's why I went cuz I I'm not scared by anything like in the movies. So I'm constantly in pursuit of a actual scary movie. So I went thinking, oh this might be the one. It was not. Damn, you're that hard that no movies get you? I can't remember the last time I was scared by I think Poltergeist when I was a kid. And that's why I'm scared of clowns today. Nothing as an adult, though? No. I'm trying to think of the last time I was really scared in a movie. Well, See? Yeah. See? They don't make Well, they're fun. I like them. That's how I feel. I like and I also like uh

00:57thinking that something might get me. I like the suspense in that, but it never does. I always get It's very anticlimactic for me. You like thinking that something might get you scared. Mhm. Mhm. And it don't. And it doesn't. And it does not. Jamie, when was the last time you were scared in a movie? See, jump scares are That's like cheap, you know? Cheap scares, yeah. That's not That doesn't count just cuz they make it sound loud. It doesn't count. That That doesn't count. I don't go see scary movies at the theater, so So you're always at home. So you know. Yeah. Yeah. The Strangers. That one bothered me a little bit. I was just Checking the weather? No, I was just You're holding onto the rain something to come in. I was just sending out my Instagram stories. Oh, your Instagram stories. Um But yeah, no, The Strangers, did you see that one? No. That one was with Liv

01:42Tyler. So they had like masks on and stuff. They were outside the house trying to kill people. Mhm. Yeah. That one rocked me a a little a little. Mhm. But not Yeah. Something about the dark, right? You ever mindfuck yourself and you you you think that there's like someone outside like you think you hear something you open your door and you listen and That actually has happened to me. I had a peeping Tom. Ooh. I had a real guy outside of my window. So like I didn't see him. I only heard him. Oh. My window was cracked and uh he started whispering to me through my window. Woah. I talk I have a joke about it now because it was the only way I could deal with it without, you know, getting too paranoid about it. So I wrote a joke about it. But I did. I did but every time I tell people they're like that's terrifying and I'm like yeah that is terrifying but at the same time it's like it's kind of

02:29flattering. Kind of flattering that he went out of his way to whisper at you through a cracked window. could have gone to he came to mine, you know. So but yeah see what the guy looked like? I didn't but my neighbors did. So he came one night and I heard him he started whispering to me. He was like can I I'll just tell you what he said. It was terrifying. I was watching Also let me give the setup. I was watching Mulholland Drive. Have you seen Are you a David Lynch fan? That's what I had on. I'm a David Lynch fan and I had that on it was probably like 3:00 in the morning and I sleep with my window open cuz my place does not have AC. What? I know. What? What do you What do you live in Montana? Yes. I I just drove in for this today. The How can you live in LA? I live My place is old and I think what happened was is that it was built before AC was even invented. So the windows are

03:17even old school so I can't even put like a portable They crank open and the windows crank open like Oh. that so you can't even I'd have to probably like get the manager to replace the window installments before I could even put an air conditioning in. So you survive the summer? I just leave during the day and then at night I have fans. Jesus woman. No I know. It's awful. Or I just spend the night at a friend's place. That's the move. That is the move. Um I'll be here now. Now I know the address. Cuz it's so chilly. It's nice in here, right? It's perfect. It's got its own thermostat this room does. This is amazing. I hate you. No you don't. We're friends. How dare you try to make me feel bad? Don't feel bad for your accomplishments. This is No, this just gives This is what I want. I want that pink Himalayan salt light right there. have that one. I can take that?

04:04Yeah, you can take that. We got extra one. We got an extra one. Who just has random pink Himalayan salt rocks? We do. Joe Rogan. Yeah. a stuffed werewolf outside in a float tank, whatever. think it's stuffed. It's not stuffed? have to be like a real thing and then you kill it. That is what it is, right? That wasn't real? No. Imagine if it was. I guess a polar bear is scarier than that. If anybody were to have a an actual werewolf, it would be you. Mhm. Can I Can I finish my peeping Tom story now? Sorry, please keep. So, I heard him outside. It was the summertime. I think it was probably like July. Uh this is I think like 2 years ago. Yeah, it wasn't it wasn't awful. It wasn't like it is like now. Um cuz this is kind of new. I don't think LA has ever been this hot in the like at the beginning of July. So, that's the end of days. Um so, anyway, I was in my bed

04:53watching Mulholland Drive and I'd been like in and out of like falling asleep and then all of a sudden I heard like a outside of my window, but I thought at first I thought it was this the movie. Right. Cuz I was like David Lynch is a weird dude. Like Maybe this is like a director's choice to like to to creep people out to put like murmuring in the background. I did. I thought that at first, so I ignored it and then like probably 20 minutes later I was like something's telling my gut was like that's not the movie. So, I hit mute and all of a sudden I heard "Come on, baby. Rub that sweet pussy." Wow. So, you're on the first floor? I'm on the first floor of my duplex. anyway, right? Isn't it? It is. Well, you know, anyone that's on the first floor, your upstairs neighbors are problematic cuz it sounds like they wear horseshoes and they're bowling Yeah.

05:42all the time. So, yeah. Every The whole Yeah, no. The whole thing living on the first floor is not a good idea. But we have bars on like most of the windows. So like that's not an issue. Like I wasn't scared he was going to come in because the windows open but then there's bars in front of it. So I wasn't terrified about that. Um but as soon as that happened what was funny was that Ian Edwards You know Ian Edwards? I do very well. comic. Working with him tonight. Do I have a at the store? No, the Ice House. The Ice House. Okay, yeah, no. Um he was staying with me at the time because he had just sold his place in Reseda, which isn't far from here, and then he was in our extra room at the apartment. So I was like, "Ian, I think there's somebody outside. Can you like You went to get Ian to go? Who That was all I had. What are you saying about Ian? You don't think he could

06:32protect me? He's Jamaican. He's crazy. love Ian with all my heart. But he's not the one to call. he weighs 18 lbs. less than me. Yeah, I'm careful when I hug him. I hug you I hug you more firmly than I hug Ian. I'm trying to get him to eat meat. He told me he'll eat some of my elk meat. No, he said he will. Yeah, he just won't he said he will. I don't believe him. You don't believe him? No. You think he's lying? Yeah, I think he's just doing that to appease me. No, no, he's asked me several times. He wants me to Yeah, he wants me to cook elk for him and he'll eat it because he'll know it's a hunted animal. You know, because he's a vegan. He doesn't want to eat anything that was killed like from a factory farm or something along those lines. Yeah. I don't eat meat either. Like I do occasionally I'll have fish. When Ian and I fly, every time we fly together I take a picture of

07:17him 5 minutes into the flight cuz he's always like this. Out cold. 5 minutes in. I'm like, "Dude, what the man? It's first thing in the morning. We're supposed to be up." Like you just woke up. How are you going back to sleep? He's always so tired and I do I go, "Dude, you got to get blood work done. It's your diet. I know it is. You can do that vegan diet, right? But you got to be very disciplined." You have to. Yeah, you have to take all sorts of different supplements and and you have to use algae you have to take algae and even that's not the best source of B12 it's not as bioavailable as animal sources. You know all all the fat soluble vitamins this it's just a it's a nightmare. You got to really be on the ball. Yeah, he's not. He's not. No, Ian I don't know if Ian's on the ball of any he was just on my podcast the other day and he talked with it's

08:03called the struggle and The struggle. The struggle so I Is it about life in LA? yeah well just in AC Yes, that's an ongoing that that and my dating struggle are the ongoing struggle. dating and not having air conditioning in You had a nice fellow with you at the comedy store the other night he seemed like a good guy. He has since departed? Yes. You launched him? It was very brief. Yeah, well he seemed like a nice fellow. I thought so too. It's not that he's not nice he just had lives a lifestyle that I just can't that we're not we're not compatible. We'll still be friends I think I think we can get to the point we'll be friends cuz we were friends first so I think we can maintain that. If I can't you know. The struggle. The everything's a struggle. It's real. The struggle is real that's why I have people on and we just talk about stuff that everyone's everyone's

08:53struggling with something and multiple things usually. Well, I find this is just a rationalization but I'm good at those. I find that women when they're in their um the prime of their life as a like not not like 20 but like as a an actual grown woman with a career and an and if they're smart and independent they have a really hard time finding the right man. Absolutely. Yeah. Look at you right a dingbat if you're a dingbat and you'll you know you'll morph into whatever lifestyle your Yeah. new boyfriend chooses then you can be okay. Yeah cuz you don't know who you are. But it's hard for a girl to find first of all it's hard for a girl who's strong and smart to find a guy who's is intimidated by that. Preach Rogan preach. It is. I know. Who you talking to? You. This is my life. I know. And I so I know so many women who are in my situation. So many who are

09:46just like educated, know what they want, independent, have money, and just like don't need a man, but just want one. Right. But the dudes can't handle it. Well, talk Well, it's hard it's hard both ways. It's hard finding quality human beings to spend time with. Friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, whoever it is. It's it's hard. It's hard finding the right I mean, yeah, especially in LA, especially in our line of work, you know, we're in the attention business, you know, we get attention professionally, right, and make people laugh. That's the business. It's a tricky business. I don't know what you're talking about. But listen, you have you you have one of the healthiest attitudes. Like you really do. I always say this about you. When whenever we're at the store, like you always have these you have the grind spots. You get those grind spots at the store. You get those 12:00 spots, 11:30.

10:36Those are the grind spots. That show's been on for 3 and 1/2 hours by the time you get on, you know? That's rough, but you're always you always have a positive attitude, always happy, always smiling. Everybody's always happy to see you. People never like, "Oh, it's that Candace bitch." I feel like some people do, but those are the haters. I don't know who they are. I don't know I don't associate with those people. But all my friends are always happy to see you. You're you're very happy. But I am very happy. It's my parents love me. Ah, there it is. Well, that's you're then. You're never going to make it in this town. That's what I talk about. I talk about that all the time. I say if my parents had been just a little bit more abusive, you know, I could have had five sitcoms by now. If my dad had just pulled a Joe Jackson at least just once or twice. Yeah.

11:20RIP Joe Jackson. He just passed away. Well, RIP Joe Jackson. We were just reading about him. People have been sending me these things that Dr. Conrad Murray says that Michael Jackson was chemically castrated. Oh, yeah, I heard about that. Yeah, I had I said that a long time ago that I thought he was a castrato. Is that the word for Yeah. Being castrated? A castrato is something that they used to do to young boys to get them to sing opera better. You ever heard of this before? I wonder if Aaron Neville has. I don't think so. I think he's just doing a falsetto because when you hear him talk, he talks like this. Talks like a man. Michael Jackson also talked like this, too, by the way. That was fake, though. this when he His fake? Did you hear? I Speaking of this Conrad Murray stuff, he talked His voice was like this. Conrad Murray has a recording on his phone that

12:07he just played. I just There was some documentary I just watched. And it was Michael Jackson's like last words, like on his deathbed. his deep voice. See? See? Get the out of here. That sounds like a girl. It does not. Yes, it does. Sounds like a girl wants some dick. See? That was his real voice, too. Let me hear that. That is not deep. No one said it was deep, but it's not Not this. Okay, listen. When that is his deep voice, I mean, that sounds like he's got a cold. Sounds like my 8-year-old when she has a cold. No one said it was deep, but it's it's not that This is what Hey. This is And why do all of them talk like that? Why does Janet talk like this and the toy They all all got beaten by their dad. But what does that mean? What So that now they all have this Stay low-key. So they have to talk like chipmunks? If you um the you read the stories, the

13:09chemical castra- Well, hear this. Play her a sound of a real castrato cuz there's only one recording from the early 1900s. It was like some of the last of the castratos cuz they don't do that anymore, but they But they used to do it. It was very common. People would give their children to the opera. Awful. Will they get us kicked off YouTube? Jamie's got to do some finagling. We get kicked off YouTube all the time for Yeah, if we play things that are other people's copyrights. Hear this. This is a boy? This is a boy, yeah. This is what That's what he used to look like. I mean, you know, he was castrated, so he had no hormones. His body did not produce testosterone. And so this is a grown adult male But like saying like this. Why wouldn't they just let the women sing it? No, because it's a different thing. It's a different sound. Like the women sound beautiful and they sound like

14:06women, but there's a sound that a castrato has and that's a Michael Jackson sound. The sound is a extremely feminine man. Look, look, it's real. Like if you see you see Tito and all the other Jacksons, they don't sound nothing with Jermaine. Not No one looks or sounds anything And like no, he was definitely the standout, but so you think they did this to him when he was a kid? This is what Conrad Murray says. And look, it makes sense. If you look at his body, if you look at like he didn't have any muscle tone. He was very slender. He looked like he had no testosterone. He sounded like a girl. He sang like a girl. Yeah. Tell them that it's human nature. Why? Why? That actually is not bad. Sing about that. Think about that voice. Who the sings like that? It's a man. No, you're right. And I I always thought he I I never pictured him like for took him for a sexual person at all.

14:53Like when people were like they said he was touching little boys, I never believed that. I always felt he was asexual. I didn't get any type of sexual any chemistry or any type of tension at all from him. Did you check him out with the like a detector? Did you check him out with a device? I have a gate. You know the gate are? I have the actual See what kind of vibes this dude is putting out. on Amazon. Yeah, I think um it's entirely possible that that's true. Cuz I I thought about that. We we We about that for years. I was like, "Dude, I'm telling you, I heard those castratos. I know about that. I guarantee you Joe Jackson knew about that, too. I bet they did that to that kid." That's awful. they did. They used chemical castration. I heard that that had happened, but I always thought it was like, for some reason I thought it was when he was an adult. I thought it was like a personal

15:38choice that he made. Ooh. Whoa. No, I think the idea was his dad was trying to preserve his voice. I didn't I didn't know that. So, wait, a chemical castration, is that is that is that means? But with what? Like question. Is it something that you take that doesn't like shrivel up your balls, but like something that just makes you in in like in like you don't have the ability to produce testosterone anymore? Well, let's find out here. It says allegations are Joe had Michael receive hormone injections when he was 12 years old in an effort to cure his acting and prevent his voice from deepening. An allegation Murray Murray previously made in his 2016 self-published book, This Is It: The Secret Life of Dr. Conrad Murray and Michael Jackson. Hmm. Yeah, he said Joe was physically abusive to him and his siblings while growing up, but never mentioned undergoing any

16:29sort of hormonal treatments. But this is what Conrad Murray says. I just don't I don't know. I mean Who do you believe? hard. They both sound like crazy people. why I believe it is because of the way he sounded. Right. Just makes sense. And his dad was just a ruthless prick. He was known as being a horrible person. Yeah. But why why would why would he only do that to one of his sons? Cuz he was the only one that was young enough to do it to. If you look at the Jackson 5, when they were taking off, like, "Oh, baby, give me one more chance." Right? He was 5, 6 years old. Everybody else was grown. They were too late. Yeah, they were all deep. They were already They were already grown men, and this was This was the voice. I mean, he was the voice. ABC I mean, he was so cute, too. They tried to keep that going forever. That's what I think. That's unfortunate.

17:16It's scary. Well, he's he's a cautionary tale, you know, and I think there's a level of fame that you get to where you just up. Yeah. You got too famous. Yeah, but isn't it isn't it also like that a certain type of person only wants that level of fame? Right? Like have you ever thought about like people who get to like for example, like Donald Trump level because it doesn't just apply to like the entertainment industry. But like CEOs who these multi-billion-dollar own these multi-billion-dollar corporations. Like it takes a certain type of person to even want that type of clout, you know? Right. And I don't know I think that there's something in that as well. I don't know. I think there's a pursuit involved in all these things where you start off just chasing money. You start off and then you get involved in a game and it's all about numbers. It's all about

18:08putting scores up, you know? And I think as those scores continue to pile on, you continue to get more excited about your progress and you want to keep going further. If someone makes a million dollars a year, they don't go, "That's good." That's good enough. No, they go, "I want 2 million." They make 2 million, "I want a mansion." They get a mansion, "I want a jet." They get a jet, "I want I want a island." I have always wondered like when is it enough for people? Cuz like I I I'm the type of person I don't think I would be like that. Like if I had $25 million dollars and somebody was like "You have to do this to get another $25 million dollars." Depending upon what it is, if it was something that I didn't believe in or something that wasn't aligned with my morals, I wouldn't I'd be like, "I already have $25 million dollars." Yeah, I don't need it that bad. Well,

18:54yeah, I mean that's different though. You're saying like if something was not aligned with your morals, but if you had $25 million dollars and you had an opportunity to make 30. Well, yeah, if it was yeah, but there It's just a work couple extra hours a week, Candace. Is that all it takes? Yeah, maybe just a few 5 hours 5 extra hours a week, an extra hour a day and we could ramp you up to $30 million a year. Well, I would do that. Yeah, you would do that. And then they go, "Listen, Candace, we can get you really close to $75 million a year, but you're going to have to work 12 hours a day." I'm sorry, I can't. But people come up to you and they go, "Candace, 12 hours I can't. Candace, I know what you're saying. I know you think it's hard, but listen, we got some Adderall and we got some massage therapists that'll be on staff and if we do this for a few years, you

19:34retire comfortably for the rest of your life, you live in Ibiza, you chill out in a hammock. I don't know. Never happens. That's the thing. That Ibiza thing never happens. The hammock never You never get to the hammock. You just keep making money. for me it would come. The only reason I'm working is so I can stop working. Oh. Really? Yes. What you going to hit? What number? I would be fine with I'm going to I'm going to go with uh 200 million. That's all you need? Wow. You're low maintenance. Jesus Christ. How much is it to buy an island? Uh depends on where it is. If it's where hurricanes hit all the time, but you get it cheap. it for 75. Somebody Richard Branson bought one last year and right after he bought it, it got destroyed. Literally to the point where there are no living humans for the first time in 300 years on this island. OH, NO. HE DIDN'T DO RESEARCH? WELL, he just got

20:30unlucky. He just bought it and right after he bought it, it literally the epicenter of the hurricane washed over it and just flattened the entire island. mean if you're listening to this, Mr. Branson, I'm not I don't mean to laugh at you. Yeah, pull up that story. Branson's island. It's Hold up, last time we talked about it, it's uh Necker Island, the one that he's owned for a while, is going to be reopened in a couple months. Oh, so they redid it? Yeah, it's like it's back open. Those Necker I don't like the way that sounds. It's too close. niggardly. Yeah, it's You know that word? That's a dangerous word. it mean like selfish and like stingy? Yeah. People People are saying don't use that word anymore because it sounds too much like that other word. does, but it's not the same word. it's not, but it's tricky. It is tricky. You have to pronounce every letter. Niggardly. Niggardly.

21:15Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's a problem. You know what's weird when words are okay sometimes, like pussycat. Yeah, you have to have another Yeah. fart. Right, not good. CHANGE IS THE GAME. IT'S NOT THE SAME. YOU'RE YOU CAN'T SAY THAT on daytime talk. That is weird though, right? You can say pussycat. Yeah. But if you say 1 2 3 cat. Yeah. That's like, "Hey, I don't like what you did there." Unless you named your cat Ooh, yeah, I guess. Octopussy, remember that? That was a big deal. Everybody was like, "What is this?" I remember seeing that. This is what I think with when we lived in New York. It was a movie, right? Yes. Yeah, I remember yeah, seeing it like I was a kid and I remember seeing it like and I was like, "Ooh, that's a bad word." a bad word. wasn't allowed to say it. What are they doing? That was like a they got a loophole in there. Yeah. Yeah. There's

22:09some words that are like that. Well, how about a dude named Dick? Yeah, I don't know any If anyone deserves that name. Like I don't I don't know anyone. I don't think I think that's like one of those older school ones. Like I feel like no one goes by if your name is Richard, you go by Richard or Rich now. I don't think anybody's like, "Yeah, call me Dick." The weird you know the weirdest one is Jack. Like if you're John, your nickname's Jack. Wait, no one's name is just Jack? Yeah, my nephew's name is Jack. Well, who But but John, if you use John the nickname is Jack. For John, Kennedy, they used to call him Jack Kennedy. Oh, yeah, I did know that then. That's so weird. It's the same amount of letters, isn't it? Isn't it? IT'S SO STUPID. IT DOESN'T make any sense. Are there any ones like that for girls? Well, there's uh No. No. Not that I can think of. I can't think of one.

23:07Right? There's no Just name him Jack. It's a completely different name. It's a totally different name. It sounds different. Yeah. Yeah. Can we talk about since we're on the on the nickname thing? So, for you know, we're not allowed to say anymore, right? You just said it. Cuz I don't I personally don't find anything wrong with the word. Now, someone could very well say, "Well, you're not transgender, Candace. You're not bothered by it, you know." Yes. Um it doesn't affect you. But, I I don't know anyone that really used it in a derogatory way, you know? I you know, it was just a word that we said to refer to Yeah. this type of person. But, to me it sounds adorable. Like to me it's just a nickname for transgender. To say it's like Jennifer, you call somebody Jenny. Well, there's a lot of policing of language as of late, and it's ramped up because of the internet cuz people

23:55can complain more. Yeah. But, I think uh the problem is that it's not you're not putting any respect on that name. Is that what it is? It's a respect It sounds like it's a Remember when Birdman went to visit Charlemagne? Put some respect on my name. It's respek. Respek. Put some respect on my name. Did you see that? Did you see that interview? I didn't see that one. in apparently Charlemagne had been talking some about Birdman. So, Birdman came in with a giant crew. And he's like, "Put some respect on my name." And then he got up and left. That was it. That's all he said? That was the whole conversation. And Charlemagne's going, "Okay. All right." I love beefs. I love It is. You want to watch Yeah, yes, please. It's really short. Yeah. It's got stars over his head. Look crazy look that guy's got. when my name come up, respect it. Respek. I'm playing with my name. All

24:44three of y'all. Stop playing with my name. I ain't going to say it no more. Hilarious. And that's it? That's it. Put some respect ON MY NAME. I LOVE BEEFS, MAN. I all Were you following the Drake and Pusha T I tried to I tried to not. I tried to I tried to avoid it cuz Jamie brings these up. He comes in, "Did you Did you hear what's happening with Drake? Turns out Drake has a kid with a porn star." Mm. Yeah. Yeah, I get it all from Jamie. Jamie's the gossip news. He's the TMZ of this this studio. It gives me so much life. Why do you love that? Just because I love I love hurt feelings, man. I love I do. I do. When it's like celebrities. Oh, like they can't get their feelings hurt. them. They can. them. Cuz all they're doing is bragging and talking about all the money they have. So, it's like they they're What if they're not braggy? They all What rapper is not braggy? Rapper. Yeah,

25:37that's what Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Like rap beefs, yeah. So, if there was a beef between like Jennifer Lawrence and Scarlett Johansson, would you like that? that also would be entertaining. That would also be entertaining. I'm not going to lie. I would like to see one of them cry. Woah. I'm here for it. Why do you like hurt feelings? Cuz we all We're all human. We all get our feelings hurt. Okay. And it's nice to bring, you know, humble people sometimes. Like, "Oh." Do you think if you're happier in your own life, you wouldn't like hurt feelings as much? We just You just talked about me being a very happy person. Happier. I'm not saying you're totally 100% fulfilled. You were saying earlier that you can't find a good man. That doesn't mean I'm not fulfilled. Ooh. Maybe my vagina But the rest of me, spiritually and emotionally. you're happy even without. So, you're so happy

26:25I'm a I'm a very happy person. I've been single most of my life. I believe it. No. What's that supposed to mean? That you're happy. Oh. I I believe you've been single most of your life, babe. I've always said that you're happy. I mean, we just got done. You have. How many How many years have I known you? You've been nothing but friendly. Yeah, no. I I mean, what's to be mad about? I'm just a grateful person. I wake up every morning and I'm like, "I'm just happy to be living this life." It's a great life. I mean, if you can make a living as a stand-up comedian Yeah. It's about as good as it gets. It is. Well, yeah, if that's what you want. But even people who, you know, who don't do stand-up want to kind of be stand-ups. They want to do comedy. so? A lot of people do. A lot of DJs do. Radio DJs. They all secretly want to be comics. They think they're hilarious.

27:07There's a lot of them that do. They secretly Absolutely. They you come in and do morning radio and they're like, "Hmm." It's like the closest thing to it, I think, right? Cuz what I'm trying to think of another profession which is like stand-up comedy where you can like tell jokes and people listen to you in the mass in the masses, you know? But I think yeah, probably a radio DJ is the closest thing to that. Some radio DJs that are dicks, you know, some of them they get kind of ego-y. I think that's what it really what it is. They also want to keep you on your heels because they know that you could do their job, but they can't do your job. Like you could just be a radio DJ. That isn't hard. we're kind of doing it now. Yeah, we are doing it now. But you host a podcast, you know how to do it. You could easily take over some radio show. Yeah. Tell that dude to do music breaks

27:50in there. Tell that dude to go on your spot 11:45 in the OR after Joey Diaz. good luck. Good luck. Yeah. That's the I I find like with dudes just in general, cuz it is mostly dudes. I don't find women like competing with me to be funny most of the time that aren't comics, but like even dudes who aren't comedians, like if I go on a date with them or we're dating, it's like they always try to like one-up me. They try to one-up you even though they know you're a comic. They Yeah. Cuz dude, you know, dudes, they always want to just be the, you know, the funny ones. Even if they're not comics. They want to be the the funny one. Hmm. And it's like you don't have to be and and if you're dating me, like it doesn't that doesn't I don't need that. It's always good to have a dude that can make me laugh, but I don't expect that. But could you deal with a dude that's not

28:39funny at all? No, no, no. Like No, no, no. He doesn't No, I don't want a dude who has no sense of humor. No, no, No, no, I don't want a dude who has no sense of humor at all, but I would like a dude who could like who can riff with me, but also not intimidated by me and doesn't feel like he has to be funnier than me. That's going to be your problem forever. What? That. Well, then I guess I'll just be single forever, then. Forever. Get a robot boyfriend. They're talking about making robot girlfriends. get a sex robot boyfriend. a robot boyfriend. Yeah, if they can open jars, I'll be good. The Hulk answers the door. Every time his eyes move, you hear "Mwah!" I'm like, "What the Candace? What are you up to?" Well, Ian couldn't save me. The Hulk will. He me and then he stays outside, looks out for people and Toms. just stands guard outside my window? Hulk protect you. Yeah.

29:32I wonder how women are going to get that, cuz I know guys are going to get that, 100%. Did you see Ex Machina? I loved it. great movie. Loved it. It's one of my favorite movies ever. Yeah, no, I watch it every every minute I can. Yeah, I watched that movie at least three times. Yeah. But that scene, like when that guy like had those girls, they were his girlfriends, you know, like the Japanese lady was dancing with them. my favorite scene. Yeah. That is 100% going to happen. That there's no way that's not going to happen. Of course it's going to happen, cuz 100%. want to talk to women. Why do you Why do you lump me in with all those other dudes? Not you. Not you. I mean, you're Look at you. You're talking to a woman right now. Yep. I'm the I just realized I'm I saw uh cuz you know I be watching the podcast, and so you had a another black Candace on not too long ago.

30:22Owens. Yeah. I'm the one that's not in the sunken place. Sunken place? What's the sunken place? see Get Out? Have Have you not seen Get Out? Oh, I haven't seen that yet. Yet? What are you waiting for? It's not in theaters anymore. I know Well, most movies I don't watch in the theaters. Most movies. Well, yeah, you're a celebrity. You can't go. No, I go to the movies. Do you? Yes. Then why did you say you just can't you said you can't go to the movies? go to all of them. I don't have the time. that was a really good one. You should have gone. If I go to one movie a month that's a lot. So I miss a lot of movies. Okay. I go to little kids movies. I have kids, you know, I go to see The Incredibles. Did you see The Incredibles? Not yet. good. I heard. It's really good. I saw Better than the first one. Is it? Yeah, it's really good. I wanted to see that the other night but I got

31:05talked into going to see I call it Black Purge. What's Black Purge? It's It's called The First Purge. You saw it did you see the original Purge? Yes. Well, now there's a there's a black one. There is? supposed to be the first Purge and it tells the origin of how the Purge system started in America. Mhm. And it's with black people. Mhm. I haven't heard of this. I I didn't enjoy any good? Didn't enjoy it? How come? enjoy it. There I didn't enjoy it for many reasons. Um there was acting problems I felt it. There was acting problems. I I I don't know the names of the people that I felt the acting bothered me but I I didn't enjoy that. And the story I just felt like it's one of those ones where it's like the premise is really good but it's just not executed well. Mhm. Like the idea of it like oh I want to see that and then you go see it and it was a very it was a letdown.

31:57So uh Candace Owens is in The Dark Place? Is that what you said? The sunken place? How so? What do you mean how so? She's a black chick who's like caping for Trump. Caping? Yeah. What is caping? Like rooting for on his team. Oh, I've never heard that term caping. Yeah. Mhm. Yeah. So I can't I mean by nature I don't understand that. And she's a woman. She's a black woman. You don't understand it? No, I don't. What is there to understand? Like he you're a womanizer who has been also accused of rape on numerous occasions, also been you know, has a history of racism from his family. Like his father his father used to in his apartments used to deny renting apartments to to brown and black people. So like that's he was raised with that. So like and you know, calling Mexicans rapists. Like I can't. I there's no explanation for her supporting. Yeah, I think

32:49As a black woman. she found a niche. She did. I think that's exactly what it is. I think that I don't even think necessarily she believes what she's saying. Like I think that she was like, oh, this is a way for me to get famous because there how many black She's You know who she is? She's like the brand new Omarosa. She's like She's like new Omarosa. I had Omarosa was on Fear Factor back in the day. She was? She's crazy. She accused me of being drunk. On the show? was talking to her. Well, she didn't make any sense. And so I was I was saying, I don't even understand what you're saying. She goes, "Joe, are you drunk?" And I go, "No." She goes, "I smell liquor on your breath." I go, "No, you don't. I'm not drunk. I was high as but I wasn't drunk." That's so bizarre. Yeah, no. I think she's just was like, "Omarosa's out of the picture. I'mma step up." You think

33:31so? She could be. Honestly, have we ever seen Tomi Lahren and her in the same room? Cuz I think she could be Tomi Lahren in blackface. Wow. That's how I feel. I mean, what I think she needs more than blackface. You need You need to change your nose a little bit. There's more. Do something with your hair. Her like interchangeable. Like there's Lauren Southern and Tomi Lahren. I always get them confused. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. I don't even I honestly don't even know what Lauren looks like. They look similar though. Blonde hair. They're both cute, blonde, conservatives. There's a market for that. Of course there is, cuz that's not the norm. Anything that's outside the norm is going to stick out and you're going to be like, "Oh, this is trendy now. Like this is what our This is what our party now is represented by." Which is, you know, and they're

34:16expecting that they're going to attract like that young younger demographic, the millennials. And it is I mean, it is working somewhat. Well, it's definitely getting her some attention. I know. it's hard to tell what someone really believes and what they want you to believe. Right. It's hard to tell. Like global warming doesn't exist. Well, that one. See, what that is to me when she said that, that's indicative of someone who's trying to follow a line. Like there's a line that you're supposed to follow if you are a hardcore Republican supporter. And it's like industry is good, big business is good, regulation is bad. Right. You know, and then the big one is global warming's a hoax. Or at least global warming is something that's greatly exaggerated by these environmentalists in order to fund Al Gore's blah blah blah blah, you know. It's just you go down these lines

35:11where everybody on the left believes one thing and everybody on the There's like certain things where you have to believe if you're on the right. Absolutely. There's certain things you have to believe if you're on the left. Even if it makes you sound batshit crazy. Yes. Like denying facts. There's a few of those. Like if you're right-wing, you have to be pro-life. Pretty much. There's very few right-wing people that are pro-abortion. Which is why isn't that what happened with Right. Isn't that what happened with Tomi Lahren though? Like didn't she lose She lost some contract she had. It may have been with Fox, I don't remember. But because she came out of saying she was pro-choice. Yeah. So yeah, that was the and she suffered Yeah. Interesting. It's interesting when that happens. Like you're not allowed to have varying opinions or you know Yeah, no. It's like a almost cult-like. It's

35:51very cult-like. It's it's definitely a tribe. I mean, that's that's essentially what happens. I haven't watched that. My wife's obsessed. It's Oh yeah, I got to There's a new episode that comes out today. I got to watch it. But no, I watched one episode and I was like, this is just too up. These people are living in hell. It's too real. You see the parallels like the the kids getting separated from their moms and it's just like this is literally happening right now. It's terrifying. Yeah, that to me is one of the darker moments of this this era. This uh the knowledge that thousands of kids got separated from their parents as they crossed the border. Like, what? What the are we doing? Like what and I don't I don't There's no excuses. A lot of people I I there's a video that I made it was just a rant on the podcast about it with my friend Duncan. You know

36:34Duncan Trussell. We've met a only a couple times but I don't know him very well but everyone loves him. So we did this rant or I did this rant about it and it got made into a video and then all these people are like, you know, you don't understand the real issue on the border. If the real issue on the border is separating parents from their kids, that's not the real issue you idiot. It's supposed to be keeping criminals out. You think that lady and her baby are criminals? And it's just can you imagine? I mean people can't imagine what it'd be like to live in Mexico right next to United States. You It's right there. You just walk over there and get a job. right there. And meanwhile over here you're life. Right. Over here your cousin got killed by the cartel for looking at somebody wrong at a taco stand, you know, and then you just and nobody nobody ever goes to jail for it. Do you

37:18know how many politicians they killed in Mexico this year? You know the the number? Somebody was just telling me. Yeah, it's more It's more than a hundred this year. Politicians murdered in Mexico. That's the go-to place if you're going to murder somebody, right? Like it's right there and it's and they never investigate anything. give a Yeah. Here, what's the number, Jamie? 132. 132 politicians killed this year. 132? How do we know this? Mexico goes to the polls this weekend. 132 politicians have been killed since campaigning began. That is crazy. Record violence. That's like worse is all because of us. This is all because of the drug war. If we just made drugs legal, there would be none of this going on. Yeah, this is worse than like when Pablo Escobar was out. Well, Pablo Escobar it's a very similar situation. You know, it's all fueled by drug money. Yeah. All this is drug money.

38:14I mean when you make drugs illegal, only criminals are selling drugs and there's massive amounts of money because people love that cocaine. Okay. do. They do. Have you ever tried cocaine? Never. Never, me neither. I've I've tried Yeah, no, I I won't. I That's one I won't try. Like I prefer like I've done shrooms and weed. And that's it. How often do you do shrooms? Not often. How often do you do weed? I don't even like The only weed that I have is given to me. Like, you know, when I'll do like when I'll judge roast battle and they and they pay you in weed. They're like, "Here's a bag of weed." And then it takes me like years to go through it. That's how That's how infrequently. Like I'll smoke when I'm with like friends, but I'm not I don't drink by myself and I don't like when I go home like I've had a bottle of liquor of vodka that's been in my freezer over a year now. It's unopened.

39:00is you're healthy? I'm very healthy. Good for you. I'm very healthy. When you smoke weed, you ever get paranoid? This one time I did an edible. I ate too much. So, you know Jamar Neighbors? Sure. Uh very funny comic. He gave me an edible one time. And this was before like anybody could just walk into a dispensary. Like cuz now you just have to show your ID and you can get anything from the dispensary. But this is when you had to have a a card. So, he went in and got it for me and it was this lemon bar that said award-winning on it. And me being the weed novice, I was like, "Oh, this is going to be award-winning because of the taste, right?" It's like, "Probably." I was like, "This is like a Paula Deen recipe." And so I ate like half of it. And I was by myself and I woke up I was laying down and I was in my bed and I sat up and I said, "Am I talking to

39:49myself?" talking to myself. Oh my god, I am talking to myself. I'm not talking to myself. I am And I I was saying this out loud. I had to check I went on my phone to get on Twitter to see the make sure the world was still happening cuz I was like I I felt like I was in some weird Twilight Zone episode. Yeah. It was awful. So, I got on there and then I made I forced myself to go to sleep because I was like I can't be awake like this. So, I forced myself to go to sleep. I woke up the next morning I was still high for like five more hours. It was awful. Yeah, I gave my friend an edible and he called me up a day later and said I'm still high. A day later. you don't know what you're doing uh with it cuz I had a conversation with someone else the other day and they were like, I ate they I ate four rice crispy treats and I was like, why would you eat four of them? He had he called the cops.

40:37He called the cops and then checked himself like went to a hospital cuz he thought he was dying. Uh do you ever see the one where it was a 911 call the cops took weed from these people they pulled them over and then the cops used the weed to make pot brownies and then they ate the pot brownies and they called 911 on themselves and they they called for an ambulance they said they were dying please send help time's moving very slowly. Well, what's hilarious is it's a 911 call from a cop. a cop. And the cop is calling to get an ambulance cuz he's saying that time is moving slowly. They stole the weed from these kids that they pulled over. The whole thing is just it's brilliant. It's so funny. Oh, drugs, man. It's one of my all-time favorite 911 calls cuz it's just so stupid. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'll have to look it up. Yeah. They're like, can you can you please

41:26send help? Time's moving very slowly. Want to play it? I just I was looking up a article about it the cop had to he resigned before he got in trouble for He resigned? the weed and B using it. So he quit. Yeah, that's probably a good move on his part. I mean called 911 we're talking about it on a podcast years later. Everybody's heard that. Yeah, well I didn't. You never that I guarantee you the video has probably been played a million times easily. More than a million. Do you have it Jamie? Yeah, I just I found this a shorter version of it. Okay. Listen to this poor Just think about this. To save The what? Marijuana, but I don't know if it had something in it. Can you please send rescue? Do you guys have fever or anything? No, I'm just I think we're dying. Okay, how much did you guys have? I I don't know. We made brownies and I think we're dead. Time is going by

42:20really really really really really slow. Look at that lady laughing. See, pot is something that even when you're having an overdose, people laugh at you cuz nobody dies. Look at the lady and she's on the news. Those are the stiffest people on the planet. You ever meet a real newscaster in real life? Um once. They walk around like this. Once. They look They walk around like robots. Yeah, they're like, "Hello. How are you? Oh, that's great. That's wonderful." They They're always scared to say something wrong. It's interesting like cuz it's we're all kind of in the you know, that that's considered entertainment, you know, they're on television. They're you know, in front of a camera. They're not entertainers. They're just readers. Is that Is that what it is? It's like people who don't have enough personality? They have zero personality. That's the whole thing. If you have any

43:09personality, they kick you off the air. Yeah. The only thing you can have is you could be one of those weather girls with a big ass. I did I did note They got fat boobs too. It's not just the asses. it's everybody. I noticed that. That was the first thing when I moved out to LA. That was one of the first thing I things I noticed with the LA weather people or the weather women. I would I was like, "They are hot." Hot as have this back in Cincinnati. Yeah, high heels, short skirts, talking about tornadoes and sticking their ass out, point to weather patterns. Yeah, there's one I think it's South America. There's one famous lady. She's like a famous weather cast. She's like one of the hottest women on the planet. Tiny little waist, giant ass, big tits. She probably wears a waist trainer. W- May- Look at you hating on her. Yeah, because I hate waist trainers. Bobby Lee bought me one.

44:00Bobby Lee bought you a waist trainer? You know, he takes me on the road with him sometimes and when one time we were in like a CVS and I jokingly picked it up and I was like, "Bobby, buy me this." And he did. And it was like $13. But no, there I still have it. I never tried it, but they're terrifying. They like they're corsets that, you know, I've read articles that just say you're not supposed to wear these things cuz it binds. It's bad for your organs, right? It moves your organs around. The Kardashians wear them. They do that? Yeah, so that's why I'm like I'm not going to be happy and promote that for women hurting ourselves to look good. Yeah. What's a weird look, too. I'd rather have a thick waist than have a kidney in my neck. Like a thick old Yeah, just Like a farm worker waist. Yeah, well, not okay. Someone who can pick things up. Calm down. All right. Someone who carries hay.

44:45I do have a I have an I'm like an athletic build, so I don't have a tiny waist. Does it bother you? No, it doesn't bother me. I like my body. I You should. Nothing wrong with it. You look great. You look great. Thanks. Jesus. This is a conversation I never get into with guys. I like my body. Like, dude, you look good. Tell me you like my body, Joe. Sure, bro. I look good, bro. Is that okay? Am I okay? I got a kind of a thick waist, though, don't I? No, you look good, bro. allowed to say I have a thick waist. You're not allowed to say that. I'm not allowed to say it? I can say it. You can't say it. Like a girl can have thick thighs and a thick ass. But even so, like women, we can say that and we know that men some men or a lot of men like it, but being called thick does ne- never makes us feel good about ourselves. Even if even if we know that men like it, it

45:34still makes it In the back of our head we're like, "Does he mean I'm fat?" What's all this we There's guaranteed there's girls out there that like being thick. Yeah, of course. called thick. Of course. Of course. But you're saying we. But a lot of women. Cuz I know I've had conversations with other women that have been like, "Oh, look, I used to be when I was in high school, I was probably 20 25 lbs heavier than what I am right now." What were you eating? Other high school kids? Lots of carbs? Lots I didn't know how to eat properly because so there was a whole low fat craze. You remember this? When Snackwells was popping. Remember that? And they they were like no no fat. High fat is bad. So they started doing low fat everything. But then they replaced the fat with sugar. So it would taste palatable, you know, cuz you if you take the fat out the flavor's gone. So like

46:19how do we get the flavor back? So they put a bunch of sugar in stuff. So you're eating like thinking oh it's low fat. I would come home and eat like a bag of like low fat pretzels think like a bag of those Snyder's of Hanover a bag a big one of those big ones and be like why am I gaining weight? Cuz I didn't know. I thought low fat meant oh I would it's low fat. It means no fat. There's so much of that. There's so many of those low fat items that are just way worse for you. Yeah, I don't even know I mean are people I don't even think that's a thing anymore. Now it's gluten-free. Gluten-free is what's what's popular. Gluten-free and uh What's the other thing? Oh I can't think. There's another thing that's kind of trending right now. But it's not it's not just gluten. Ketogenic diets? Is that what you're talking about? No. I don't know what I'm thinking about. I

47:06literally had a brain fart. But there is something else. Maybe Paleo? a new trendy thing? Yeah, but it's all like nobody knows what the repercussions of any of these things are. Like Paleo might be good for temporary but in the long term we don't know the damage it's going to be doing. Well, Paleo's real simple. It's not going to do any damage. Paleo is just real food. Paleo just means no grain and no rice. That's all it means. It just no preservatives, no artificial flavors, no artificial colors, just meat, chicken, fish, vegetables. Meat, chicken, fish, vegetables there's nothing wrong with that. There's not Do you don't have to worry about that being like a trend? Like this is a like the low fat trend. That's a normal thing for people to eat. You said fruits too? They can do fruits? Yeah. Paleo can eat fruits. Like there's people that eat carnivore

47:51diet. This is the more most recent one where they only eat meat. That's it. No. No? No, that's not good. How do you know? That's not good. I have a friend with pretty severe autoimmune disease and it's gone because of eating only carnivore diet. His daughter had her hip replaced and her ankle replaced. She has terrible arthritis. With carnivore diet gone. Some people have a really adverse reaction to carbohydrates. But no fruits and vegetables? Nope. Nope. He's not eating anything. And he's been doing He's a professor. Mhm. Yeah. Brilliant guy. What's his cholesterol look like? That's the thing. See, you people say things like that. Like you just said that. That's not where cholesterol comes from. Dietary cholesterol doesn't have any impact on blood lipids. It doesn't have any impact on your blood cholesterol. This is where cholesterol's bad. When you have

48:37cholesterol and high carbohydrates. Oh, okay. When your body is burning a lot of carbohydrates, your body is in fat storing mode. So, if you eat a bunch of fat and carbohydrates, you're just going to get fat as but if you do just the But if you eat just the fats animal fat then your body loses weight, believe it or not. You actually get slim. Yeah, no, I know about that part, but I didn't know the cholesterol part. Yeah, you're not If you are This is one of the important thing for people. If you are on a high-fat, low-carb diet, you cannot eat large amounts of carbohydrates because if you do, it's just going to go right to fat because your your body just is not It's confused. What's going to burn the carbohydrates and it's going to take all the fat you take in and just store it. So, you're just going to get fat as Well, with all this body positivity

49:26that's How do you know that's not what I want? That you what? to get fat. Do you think so? can be body positive. Body positive Is that what that is? It's just embrace the fatness. It's It's literally just being like if you're fat, love your body. And that's fine. Like you can be fat and love your body. But it's also promoting, you know, unhealthy behaviors, I think also. And we need to distinguish between the two. Well, we want to give people a free pass by saying be body positive, you know, and don't don't fat shame. Right. Like leave people be. I have a black belt in fat shaming. Are you good at it? You know you do taekwondo? Yeah. I do fat shame. Wow. You go to a dojo, look at this slob. Look at fat stinky armpits. It used to be easy to fat shame. Now people are super upset about it. Yeah, I know. I know. I'm not sure who's right. I'm really not. Well, it's not right,

50:17but all I mean you shouldn't make fun of somebody for the way they look. You know, I don't think that's that's right. But But we shouldn't be promoting an unhealthy lifestyle. That, too. And also, like Tom Segura said that like people making fun of his weight is the reason why he lost weight. He's like, fat shaming was very effective on me. Yeah. He lost the weight because people were fat shaming him. Yeah. A lot of behaviors a lot of behaviors are because you felt shame. And we're in a we're in a society where like there's no shame anymore. There's no shame. With anything. I know I know people that are like proud of their alcoholism. Yeah? I've heard people bragging about DUIs. What? I'm not kidding. You're hanging out with the wrong people. They're not my friends. Okay. I've just have heard it. So, do you think that that's an escape clause? Like they're just like they're

51:04giving themselves an out? Like, ah, I love being an alcoholic. it. Yeah, I think to them it's because of we're accepting everything now that it's just like it's a it's a it's just fun behavior. Like, I'm fun when I'm drunk and it's just and that's fine. You can be fun, but also you know, there's Ubers. Take a Lyft. Why are you driving? That's the problem. Yeah, especially today. There's no excuse for that. Especially in Hollywood. I mean, that comedy store parking lot, you can't get out of it cuz it's always jammed up with Lyfts and Ubers. Yep, which is great, but also it is annoying. It's annoying. It's annoying. But it's great that people are Take being responsible. Right. Still, the whole thing about Ubers is like how much background check are they doing on those freaks? Yeah, no. I'm I'm positive I've gotten in a Lyft driver who's or Uber driver cuz I don't I don't

51:51I used to do Uber and then but they suck. So, I started doing doing Lyft. But yeah, I'm sure I got an Uber at one point where somebody was drunker than I was. Let me Let me Let me Let me get this. Yeah, they're not checking them, right? No, not at all. Not at all. I just I don't know. I feel like being cuz you don't drink at all, do you? I drink. You do drink? Okay. I just feel like I have such a non-addictive personality and I feel that most people are addicted to things. Mhm. And that's why it's also tough for me like uh dating also is because I know I see I know that a lot of people that I have, you know, been on dates with or whatever is like, "Oh, this lifestyle is not conducive to what I'm trying to do." So, we just don't click in that way. Because you find you go on dates with guys are getting up a lot. Yeah, like a lot. A lot. So much so Woo. Weekend. Nights. Yeah. Weeknights.

52:45Yeah. Any day. Is it Tuesday? Why am I not drunk yet? Right. Yeah. So, yeah. I actually the last app that I got on was like uh it's uh it's called Meet Mindful. Cuz I wanted to like find people who were Yeah. Somebody who's just more present and maybe likes themselves a little bit more so they don't have to get drunk all the time to be with themselves. Yeah. How'd that work out? Well, they were like, "You got to pay $30 a month." And I was like, "Maybe I'm not looking for love right now." Um I paid I paid before for like eHarmony. That's what I paid for that one. I paid almost $200 for that one. How would that work out? Terribly. And that's why I'm hesitant to pay again cuz I got nothing. I got literally nothing from that. So, I'm like I feel like this doesn't make any sense. I thought eHarmony like instantly find the love of your dreams and then you sit down with them on a couch and

53:32they do a video with you. Joe I knew that as soon as I met Candace she was the one. I was on there for over a year. What? I called customer service and What did you say? Where's my dick? Yeah, where my dick at? You promised me dick by month three. Or I get a refund. You know, I called and I said, I would like a refund. She was like, why? And I said, these dudes are like fours. Like all of them. And below. They were just all of them were like the worst looking people I'd ever seen. And she was like, we have so many messages that you haven't responded to. Did you not hear my first complaint? Like, I'm not going to respond to any of these dudes. They were terrible looking. And not just not just like physically, but just like the photo like terrifying looking. Like serial killers, like don't know how like pictures of just a forehead. You don't even take a pic a picture properly.

54:30The dating app world's got to be weird. No, you're so lucky. I know several people that are in the dating app world. You're so lucky. They tell me about it. They're swiping right all the time, swiping left. awful. It's awful. Which one do you swipe right if you like them? Which one do you swipe? Did you say swipe white? Right. You racist mother How dare you? There was there was a phase where I was swiping white. Didn't work out? No, I've I've only I've dated a couple of white dudes in my life. Barely. Barely. Yeah. Just One of them I think was gay and another Another one was a pathological liar. I've dated two gay gay dudes I think. So out of your study group, white people are gay and pathological liars. Yes. And that's it. There's nothing else. Mhm. I mean, all the two are not mutually exclusive. You could be gay and a pathological liar. Yeah, I'm sure. I'm

55:21sure it's possible. Yeah. You can have that combination. Joe, set me up with one of your friends. Okay, I'll try to find somebody for you. Serious? Yeah, I'll try to find somebody. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Why? We saying it like Not a not a like MMA person. Oh, you don't want to Why come? I don't think I could handle that. Why not? It's a lot of muscles. You don't like muscles? Not that much. Okay. Like What do you want? You want to do the work out like once a week? Maybe Twice? Maybe twice? Maybe twice. Maybe twice but doesn't go crazy. go crazy. No one No one who gets up in the morning and runs early. I mean I could do that. I'll be meditating while he's run running running. So that's fine. That'll work out. Yeah? Yeah, but I just don't want someone who like might be on steroids. Oh, might be. Might be. Might be. Okay. I'll keep it in mind. It's got to be hard. Like when you fill

56:13out one of them eHarmony things, what do you have to write? You write what your occupation is, what you're looking for. What do you write what you're looking for? Do you have to write I'm just looking for dick? No. Do you write I'm looking for a meaningful relationship with the person of my dreams? Women already have to swat the dicks away without writing I'm looking for dick. Swat. It's dicks. You walk outside and it's dicks. get out of here. It's dicks. No. So yeah, no, you can't write that. And if I wanted that I'd be on Tinder, you know. Oh, is Tinder the move? You would just want some dick? You're so lucky you don't know about any of this. Tinder is the dick app. That's it. So if you just want some dick Yeah. Tinder is the way to go. And even Bumble is kind of turning into that. Do you think that I don't know what Bumble is. Is that a new one? It's not new anymore. Uh a newer one is

56:55Coffee Meets Bagel. I was on that one for a minute. I was reading this thing that said that there's a spread This was It would make me angry. That it said is Tinder and Grindr are they responsible in any way for the spread of STDs from their apps? Of course. No, they're not. Of course they are. They don't owe a god damn thing to those horny freaks sticking their dicks in each Absolutely. Like they're not they're not they shouldn't be sued. Like that's ridiculous. But have the they have Should they take responsibility? Take responsibility, no. But I guarantee that more people are hooking up because of these things. Right. These these apps and it's and doing it unsafely. So what? That's not any skin off their back. No, I know. No, I know. I'm just But it's a weird time where like people are getting in trouble for things that other people are doing. Yeah, absolutely.

57:39want people to be responsible. personal responsibility for their own mistakes. Like yeah, put a condom on. What are you talking What are you doing? Yeah. I've heard stories about like hey dudes, man, they are so trifling. Look. My friend, a gay dude, was telling me about what the behavior in gay in gay gyms. How like they have in the shower there's a signal so that if you if you want somebody to come up in there and just ram you Sound at home. you leave the curtain partially open and that's kind of like a signal to be like okay, if you want to come up in here and get some you can. Jeez. And I was talking to a friend I was like what if you didn't know that rule and you accidentally leave the curtain open just cuz you didn't close it properly? Jesus. And all of a sudden some dude Well, every time I've been in gyms around gay people or I used to belong to Gold's Gym on Cole.

58:32It's uh in you know, in West Hollywood and that's where uh we used to film NewsRadio right down the street from there. So that was the gym that I worked out of. It's a gay disco. That gym is a goddamn gay disco. And when I would go there, not that there's anything wrong with that, but when I would go there, it was you would get that feeling that a girl gets all the time. You're terrified. Well, yeah, that someone these eyes on me. Someone trying to you, guys. right now. Yeah, it's a different feel like girls hitting on you is like if you want, you can come over here. Guys hitting on you is like if you want, I'll come over there. It's a It's a different feeling. like Michael Jackson right there. Did I? Michael Jackson when he's not using his falsetto voice. But it's uncomfortable feeling knowing that guys want to you. Like I couldn't imagine being a girl just

59:17trying to navigate my way through dudes. It's terrifying. Swatting dicks away. Swatting them. Swatting them. Yeah, I know. Crack. Having peeping Toms at your windows, it's it's it's a world out there. Yeah. So, your neighbor, when they found that guy, was he hot? Uh no. I I still don't know. What if he's hot and he said, "I'm sorry." He going to be at my window. "Hey girl." "Hey girl, I'm sorry." "I came home from the club. I was a little drunk. I've always had this thing for you. I can't believe I was whispering, 'Hit your pussy' is disrespectful. I apologize. But look, What if he says it like that? me to take you out to a for a drinks and just we'll make it up to you. I'm so I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Well, you know, you put it like that, who am I to turn down? Here's my eHarmony profile. I don't know. The The terrifying part is that I don't know who it was. And it

60:08could have been It could be someone I know. And even the way my neighbors described him was that it actually the way they described him did describe someone that I know and consider a friend. Oh. But then when I showed my neighbor the picture of the person I was talking about, they were like, "No, I don't think that's him." But still now in the back of my head, I'm like, "What if it was?" So, now my friendship with this person has been a little strained because of it. So, I'm like, "I don't trust you." Whoa. I know. It's weird. That is weird. That's the life of a girl. Women have to worry about that guys don't have to worry about. So many things. Yeah, there are no girls outside your your window whispering, "God be damned." Well, they they are, but it's because you dated them before and you wronged them and you cheated on them or did something and now she's stalking you.

60:54Well, you found out they're crazy and they know where you live now. Yeah. Yeah. I love I'm I've I'm very interested in all of like like relationship behavior and like crimes of passion. I like all of it. I'm very into it. Like those A&E shows? Yeah, A&E or like Snapped on Oxygen. Have you ever seen that? It's It's when people snap. Yes, mostly women. It's mostly women. Sometimes it's the man. Oxygen. It is Oxygen. That's the That's the women channel, right? Absolutely. Yeah, that and Lifetime. Why is Oxygen a women's channel? Oxygen is like air. We need Yeah, it's Everybody needs that. I don't know. Um But yeah, we were I was watching Snapped. I watch it not so much anymore, but it's been on for a long time, but every episode is like a different couple and the the woman is just like can't put up with the the anymore. Like her dude's cheating on her or like taking

61:44her money or abusing her or whatever and then she snaps and she kills him. Well, you always It's always a spoiler alert. What? For every show. Like you know where it's going to go. right? Like and she just couldn't take it anymore. It's in the title. Gee, I wonder when she's going to snap. Next thing you know, there's when SHE SNAPS, YEAH. THAT'S MY ONLY THING I DON'T WANT TO BE A victim of a crime of passion. Mhm. Just don't you you know, just break up with me. You don't have to kill me. Yeah. I hear you. That's a reasonable request. What's the craziest thing What's the craziest thing a girlfriend has ever done to you? Um Have you gotten your car keyed before? Mhm. No. No. I've been pretty good at navigating those waters. I've got a I've got pretty good crazy radar. Oh, yeah? The problem is when they're really hot. And they're really hot and they're also

62:40crazy, like damn, this might be worth the risk. That's usually what I guess you I don't know if you've seen this. It was on a It was a YouTube clip. And the guy do a chart Mhm. And it was like a chart of crazy to hotness and it's it's like all all the hot chicks are always crazy. And so you have to And basically tells you in what range you have to find the normal woman. It's a really funny best. He's got best. He's got He said that there's like erotic and neurotic. Mhm. And they cross over. Like a Venn diagram? They hit this They hit this cross over. and then they're like they're two interchangeable things. Completely closely related. Psychotic, neurotic, and erotic. They're all together. And if you if you get the really erotic women, they're almost always psychotic or or neurotic or crazy. There's just something wrong. Yeah. Yeah. Red flags. The really fun ones. Yeah. They're just

63:39the ones that really want to rock your world. They're they're crazy. heard that. And so, if you're wondering about I'm very normal. Boring and normal. Again, my parents loved me, which means I don't do anal. It's a good point. That is a weird thing, right? If your parents love you too much, you might not be as ambitious. I mean, that is true. Like, I wish I told I like I think I'm definitely ambitious. Like, I'm definitely, you know, I've been doing this for like like 10 years now, and it's like I have come so far. So, it's like, yeah, no, I definitely have goals and I'm achieving them. But, it's also I'm also not like uh what we were talking about earlier, like the the CEOs of these corporations. Like, I don't have that kind of drive. Like, I just want to do what I love and make good money doing it. Be a little bit comfortable. 10 years? Mhm. Yeah. Where'd you start?

64:32Here. At the store? Not store, but like in LA. I started uh the first place I got up, you know, doing open mics and stuff, but I didn't want to go to the store at first cuz I was like, I don't want to go there if I'm not funny yet. Right. Then, who knows is going to see me, and then they're going to be like, "Oh, she's not funny." When'd you get passed the store? Like, December of 2014, so almost 2015. Oh, so that was right when I came back. Yes, it was right when you came back cuz that was right I was the first me and Earl Skakel were the first people that Adam passed when he got Ah. promoted to that position. Wow. Yeah. Cuz yeah, I don't know if Tommy was ever going to pass me. I don't know. Tommy. I know. So. Yeah. So, when yeah when I came back that I got to see like the whole new crop there was a whole new crop of people in the seven years that I was gone. Was it seven years?

65:21Yeah I was gone for seven years. I thought I'd be gone forever. If Adam if Tommy didn't get fired and Adam didn't take over I would still be gone. is that was the dumbest thing. Well decision. For me it was a good decision. It was good it was healthy to get away from the store for a little bit. Yeah. Sort of changed my comedy made a little less evil. It's something about that place. That place is so harsh. But had haven't you noticed that the energy has changed since Adam has taken over? It's a completely different place. It's a different place without Tommy. It's a different place just because of the vibe of the Comedy Store is now um also fortified by the internet. It's like people who love the place because it's this iconic historical landmark. Yeah. It's like the Mecca of comedy. Yeah. It really is the best club in the country. Now it's the real Mecca. Like

66:12when I was a kid when I was first starting out um I had heard about the Comedy Store. You know because Sam Kinison started out there and Richard Pryor was always there and I like that was the place. I needed to go to the Comedy Store. Yeah. When I came out here I was already on a sitcom and I would I didn't get passed at the store. I I was a non-paid regular so I was able to go on at the end of the shows. Mhm. When I first got here well when I got passed as a paid regular it was like the happiest moment of my life. Mhm. I was like holy Mhm. I'm a paid regular at the Comedy Store. Like that to me was bigger than being on a television show. I'm here. But back then the Comedy Store was a ghost town. Yeah. It was deserted. It was no one there. You'd go on a Friday night there'd be 30 people in the audience. It was just gross and there was a lot of boat acts still floating around.

66:58Yeah yeah. It's like something happened between in the Kinison age right? Kinison age was like 84 to 87 88. Mhm. And in that time that guy was just running rampant and destroying and he was a a maniac, right? And he was the top of the world. And then he dropped off and then he died. And then when he died, that place was a ghost town. So when I I came along right after he died. I came along in '94 and that there was no one there. So it went from being this jam-packed like I would always hear like all these celebrities come to see Kinison do spots late at night and be like, "Whoa, that must been nuts." Yeah, John Belushi would be there and Jack Nicholson and all these different people. And then you go there, I don't know if it was John Belushi, he was probably dead by then. When did John Belushi die? He died in '80 '82? Yeah, he died earlier than that. Yeah.

67:49I I shouldn't have said John Belushi, I might have made that up. But I know Jack Nicholson and a bunch of other celebrities would go to see Kinison. And I remember thinking, "Man, nobody famous comes here now. This place is a shithole." It's like there's nobody there. But it's different now. Now it's hopping. amazing now. Now it's every show sold out. Every show. Every show. It's nuts. Last night was crazy. You know, I was thinking that the other day I was like I like what a time for for me to be like a regular at the store. Like it just happened at the perfect time. Like it just cuz I know so many people that were like were door guys back when like and I've heard stories like Bobby would tell me stories from when he used to work there and like Freddy Lockhart when they were like door guys. And I'm like, "Wow." That place was so shitty and like what they were getting paid. They were

68:33getting paid like $25 for the day. Yeah. all day. You can't even eat off that. awful. Yeah. I met Bobby, he was a door guy at the La Jolla store. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I met Bobby, it was like 1994 or some like that. We went to a strip club and he almost got killed. What? Yeah, we that sounds about right. Like at first I'm like, "What?" And then I'm like, "That's about He was hitting on some girl and apparently she was she was dating some Mexican gangbanger and this guy who had long black hair and tattoos on his face in the '90s. In the '90s, he had tattoos on his face. It wasn't even popular back then. I the guy he was looking over at me and then they're talking to his friends. I go, "We are getting the out of here." I think Jimmy Schubert was with me. It was me and Jimmy Schubert and Bobby Lee. I go, "We're getting the out of here." And Bobby's like, "Ah,

69:24those guys aren't going to do shit." I go, "I will leave you." I go, "You don't have any idea what danger is." I go, "Those guys are going to do something. This is bad." wasn't worried about fighting. I was worried about getting shot. I was like, "This is This is They were going to murder. I'm like, "This is a bad scene, dude. We got to get out of here now." And Bobby's like, "Those guys aren't going to do shit." I'm like, "Who is this guy?" person here. Well, he was, you know, 21 years old or whatever the he was. He was out of his mind. a child. I mean, he's still childlike in many ways, but yes. In all ways. Name one way he's a man. I tell his girlfriend all the time. I'm like, "You're the most patient woman in the world to deal with him." Yeah, that's an odd couple. It's a very odd couple. Seems to work though. They've been together for a while.

70:07It's insane. And and they met on Tinder. Kapow. Yeah. It worked. It I know two people it worked for. I said it worked and you went Cuz I know two people that it worked for. Them and also I know a couple that's getting married this weekend who met on Tinder. Well, there you go. Maybe it's just you. people. Maybe it's just you. Maybe you need to give Tinder a second chance. for sure it is me cuz I I refuse to settle. I know for sure it is me. How do you think using your vision board and all of your manifesting, how can you just dick on my vision board? you get someone in your life that you need in your life? How can you do that? honestly honestly Rogan. Honestly Joe Rogan. Honestly. Every time I think of your name, I think of Tyrone Biggums and Fear I don't know if you know this about me, Joe Rogan. smoke rocks. I think that was my first Well, I mean, I knew you from Fear

70:56Factor, but I also that was a huge, you know, for for me before I even knew I'd be doing stand-up when I'm watching this Chappelle show. And I just remember I It makes me laugh so much. Joe Rogan. My feet are strong. That was a great character. I I like have tried to do crack impressions, like crackhead impressions for jokes before, and I can't because every time I try to do a an original crackhead impression like just from my own, you know, inspiration and from watching like other like real crackheads, I can't do it I because the default crackhead is now Tyrone Biggums. And it just And I'm like I can't do it because I can't do Tyrone Biggums on stage. people that create characters that forever They're iconic. Yeah, that that that's the crackhead for the rest of time. of time. Yeah. OW! ISN'T IT AMAZING THAT THAT SHOW WAS only two seasons? That's what's amazing. And that it was

71:5415 years ago. Wow. And and even more amazing that he just said it and left. Yeah. Sorry, got to go. Yeah. I mean, I get it though. I get it. I totally get it. I was on it I was on Comedy Central at the time and I saw like the management and how it was working there. It was so it was chaos. And then whenever you tell people that aren't funny that are executives, tell them to manage funny, You're right. know what the they're doing. They have no idea. Let Dave Chappelle be Dave Chappelle. Trust me, he's going to make the most funny. Let him and Neal Brennan figure it out. Figure out what they're doing and just get out of the way. Get out of the way and put ads on it. Yeah, and you saw the success of what had happened with what they did with that control. Yeah, you know, they tried to do a bunch of with him. They tried to first of all they tried to get him to change his language, stop

72:46using the N-word. They wanted him to stop using it cuz they would get more ads. Yeah. It was all about people not comfortable with advertising with certain kind of sketches. So, they wanted to maximize their profits. Well, so tone down the show a little, maximize their profits, and Dave was like, I see where this is going. Yeah. Yeah. I'll lose complete control. He just quit. Yeah. Imagine the executives when they found out he was really quitting. They were like, he's just he's just joshing. Yeah, they're probably, what? bluffing. Yeah, he's he doesn't like the way you guys are shaping the show. So, he's going to quit, and he's in Africa now. Bye. Click. But, we were just going to make $180 million. But, we were just GOING TO MAKE $180 MILLION. NO, DAVE JUST QUIT. GUYS BLEW IT. You know, people don't remember, but for a while Dave was doing shows and he wasn't getting paid. He

73:35wouldn't do shows where he got paid. He would show up in the park. He showed up in Seattle. It was like a big deal. He put up a a speaker. He put up his own PA system and started doing stand-up in the park, and a crowd gathered round. Of course. what he would do. He would just show up places and start doing stand-up. That's crazy. That's what he did. You know, when I met Dave, I met Dave he's like, I was 21. He was like 18, something like that. Or maybe maybe I was a little older. You know, I was like 24 and he was 18. And he was um he would do live he would do shows outside. Like we would do a gig. We did a gig in Montreal. And then after we did the gig in Montreal, we came downstairs outside of Club Soda, and he just started doing stand-up on the street. He goes, "Ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, gather around. I got some to tell you." And then he would

74:25start doing stand-up on the street. And he learned it from uh Charlie Barnett. Charlie Barnett, who was uh uh uh he was like a old school New York character who did a lot of street comedy. We used to Didn't we have a video of Charlie Barnett? There's There's one online. He would do Yeah, like this is what he would do. Charlie Barnett would do comedy like this. Like he got these giant crowds and would walk around like a park and get everybody gather around and he was such a showman that people would just sit and wait and he would do stand-up. Here it is in Washington Square Park. That's insane. I mean, LOOK AT THIS CROWD. WE'RE IN THE VILLAGE. I LOVE THE VILLAGE. WE GOT A NICE MIXED CROWD. I MEAN, LOOK WHAT WE GOT. WE GOT WHITE FOLKS. WE GOT BLACK FOLKS. WE GOT PUERTO RICANS. PUERTO RICANS. PUERTO RICANS. WE GOT A LOT OF PUERTO RICANS. BUT I'M NOT GOING TO WITH THE

75:27PUERTO RICANS, MAN, CUZ Y'ALL BORN WITH KNIVES. Y'ALL CUT ME UP AND I WON'T EVEN KNOW IT. HE would He would do this. This is how he would do stand-up. He would yell it out in the park. I got a chance to see him a couple He He died of AIDS. Oh. Like somewhere, I think it was in the early '90s he died, but I got to see him uh That's when people were dying of AIDS, too. Yeah, back back when AIDS would kill you. Yeah. Now AIDS is like the flu. Yeah, it's like everybody got it. Yeah, don't whine if you got AIDS. My uncle's got leukemia. Yeah. They don't even have medication for that, bro. But Charlie Barnett influenced Dave and Dave would do that kind of stand-up. You know, Dave would just do stand-up in front of a club. He would just just get and people just gather around and watch him. And I remember thinking like, "Wow, I I that's not really me. I could never

76:16do that." But man, that kind of detachment to be able to just just be free in front of a crowd like that. Yep. That's powerful. And you know, we've performed in all different types of really terrible places. You know, when you're coming up and you're just doing open mics and bars and like coffee shops or whatever. And I still to this day roll my eyes when someone's it's an outdoor venue. Because it's just like, cuz you know, there's nothing to in the to try Right. So, like the the the laughs just get lost. Yeah. They just disappear into the ether. And so with arenas, too. When you do stand-up in an arena Absolutely. Not that I've performed in an arena. It's on my vision board, though. Is it? Yeah. Yeah. Of course it is. Right right next to the dick. What's on your vision board that's weird? Besides dick. Um that's weird? You got anything crazy on your vision board?

77:07You got a private jet on your vision board? Is that crazy? Do you have one? It's actually not on my vision board, but I do visualize it. Do you? I do visualize it. it? Do you visualize you Do you visualize you strolling with a a tiny bag with a dog in it and you you got like a cigarette holder and giant glasses? Cigarette holder? Do people still Just like like Hunter S. Thompson. Zsa Gabor? Yeah. Just strolling with high-heel stilettos and No. tight skirt. Like, "Oh, oh, where's my seat? Where's my seat? It's wherever the I want it to be, THIS IS MY PLANE. WOO! LET MY DOG ON THE FLOOR. IT'S MY PLANE, MOTHERFUCKER." NO, my private jet is going to be much more basic than that. You know, I just want to a plane where if like I I can like fart freely and not have to worry about other people. One time I held a fart from Cincinnati to Los Angeles. That's very polite of you. I know. Thank you.

77:57Especially on a plane. A lot of people are sneaky on planes. But I was like, I can't do this to anybody. And I held it. Thank you. I'm a very considerate person. it was your plane? Let them loose. But what if it was your plane and you had a stewardess? Still let it loose? Flight attendants. Oh. What's the difference? Cuz you can't They they changed it to flight attendant because they have male flight attendants. Cuz you can't call a male a stewardess. Do they really have male flight attendants? you I've seen them all the time. male? Well, I mean, they're yes. They're gay, but they're men. They're they're they're more feminine than me, but yes, they're still men. I went to the dentist today and I had to fill out one of them. the dentist on Friday. OMG, we're so alike. I had to fill out this form and on the form it said sex. It said male or female. I was like, "Where's the other?"

78:48Yeah. Where's other, Where's Where's kins? Where's other kins? Other kins? Yeah, you don't know about other kins? No, I don't know what that is. Oh, it's people that think they're a fox. They identify with foxes. Like, I'm I'm a like an elf kin. Like, people that think they're fairies. No. Wood I'm a wood elf. Mhm. No. I'm other kin. People think that they're something they're supposed to be something else. They're like a person, but really they're an animal that's trapped in a person's body. No, they're just crazy. Are they? Here we go. This lady. When people ask me, "How's it feel to be a cat?" I'm like, "How does it feel to be a human?" Oh, that's rational. Whoever your your dad is, hey dude, who's her dad? you. Look what you did to the world, you You let this girl loose and think she's a cat. Yeah, no. That's That's when you have a That's a That's definitely a mental Mhm.

79:41issue. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. For sure. Like Rachel Dolezal? Yeah, she's one of my favorites. her document Oh, I'm obsessed with her. It was boring, right? Wasn't it just me? What was I wanted to watch It was just boring. She's She's going crazy. She owes money. She's in debt. She's got kids. I feel bad for the kids. Yeah. But who is this dude that she's with? Who is this dude that she just had a baby not that long ago? Some guy likes See, y'all just get on my nerves. We're all the same? Yes. How are we all the same? Because you will just have sex with anything. Well, it's if it's anything or nothing. That dude could have gotten it from somewhere else. He didn't have to if he her? Could he have really? Prob Did he have the pick of the litter? Did he really? dudes who are unattractive, poor, sleeping on someone else's couch, and they're still getting vagina. So, yes.

80:35Wow, they must be good talkers. Yeah, women are don't have standards anymore. You do. I do because my parents loved me. How many times that's going to be the name of my first special? Actually no, the name of my first special is going to be I'm a very busy man. This book will not be that good because my parents loved me. This special ain't going to be funny cuz my parents loved me. I just finished everything with my because my parents loved me. But you are very funny so that doesn't work. Um no, I know. know what you're not? You know what you're not? You're not crazy like ambitious to the point where you're willing to step walk on people's backs and cut people. Because my parents loved me. That's what that that's where that comes from. You know, that narcissistic personality disorder sociopathy comes from some type of neglect or abuse in childhood. Yes, I agree. So, and we do

81:25and this this industry attracts a lot of that. Oh, yeah. You know, people attention starved and they just want fame. So, you have the people who There's two types of people in this industry. You got the people who really just love the craft of it. They really are great actors or great comics, writers. And then you have the kind that just want to be famous who don't give a crap about, you know, Right. what it takes to actually, you know, hone that skill and become the best at that. They just want that. And some of them pretend to be the other thing. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, we just we I mean it's crazy people everywhere. Yeah, some of them like pretend to be comics. Like they pretend to be interested in the craft of comedy. And you know what when it gets really weird when they become famous and then you see it happens all the time. They you see that they don't this this

82:08an actor. They were acting like they were comedian. That's not they're not really a comic. Yeah. Yeah. But then we let them get stage time. Well, it's not we. You know, you and I don't have anything to do with anybody getting stage time. Yeah, no, I know. But it's frustrating. So, why did you get into it? I have I believe my pain when I was a kid was just feeling like I didn't fit in. Like out there when you were telling me you're not black. Like that was my pain cuz I am black and so I grew up feeling like I didn't fit in anywhere. Well, you are at you are a certain percentage African-American. my parents are black. And they are someone was white. Well, yeah, no somewhere along the line but there's mixes there's black Native American and there's white. But yeah, if you saw my family you'd be like there's no white people in this family. If you saw my family be like

82:56somebody somewhere along the lines a chimp. A chimp? Somebody a chimp. Somebody when they shouldn't have. You know, I think this is what I think about my family. in your Just Italians in general I think I feel like you know how people evolve from apes? I think What if I don't believe that? You don't believe that? I think somewhere along the line somebody went back when they shouldn't have. Somebody went back. They were like they were like well you know it wasn't so bad when we were these apes over here. Just get one last shot at that monkey. She wasn't say she wasn't talking back to me. She never burned my meatloaf. her a banana that's all she wanted. She would let me stick stuff wherever wherever I wanted to stick stuff. She was warm to cuddle with in the winter months. Yeah. Well, everyone's African. Every single human if you trace them all the way back. That's what that 23 and me

83:45I just did it. You know. say? I don't know I'm waiting. Have to wait a couple more weeks. I'm very excited. scared. Uh nah. What could it be? I'm mostly I I'm supposed to be mostly Italian and I have like a quarter Irish in me. That's what it's supposed to be. We'll see. Let's see if anybody was sneaking around. In my DNA if maybe a German got in the mix or an African or Moroccan or who knows you know. Who knows who got in the mix back in the day. Hilarious. You know I'm too I don't think I'm going to do one of those. I don't want to know. I don't want to know. If I find out I'm whiter than I am I'll just think I am I'll just walk into traffic. Um Well, you're pretty You're You're skin's lighter than mine. No, I know, but so what? Like Okay, don't get defensive. I'm I'm JUST SETTLE DOWN. IT'S CRAZY because like you have like me and my sister, we were from the same

84:35parents, but she had a completely different childhood than me. Cuz no one ever questioned She never got her hair pulled by like darker skinned black girls, whereas I did. Why Why did she not get her hair Cuz she don't She's darker than me and her hair is kinkier. So just she just came out different. She came out brown. Mhm. So yeah, so we had a complete So that's where That's where my pain came from is like I felt like I didn't fit in. Right. You know? So like So your comedy is so sort of like you had like a personality that was kind of compensating for not fitting in. Yeah, I started being funny because I I felt like that could distract people from You know, it's like I want them to like me and accept me, so the one thing that everyone can, you know, agree on is that we like jokes and we like laughing. So I became like a class clown and just would I was like, "Oh, people like me

85:18now and I don't have to worry about them wondering what I am and trying to put me in a box is like I'm the funny one. That's all that matter." Oh. Yeah. Interesting. Mhm. But my pain is not like, you know, there's pain. It's a mild pain. That's That's exactly how I describe it cuz a lot of comics are like, "Oh, I was molested by my father or somebody." And it's like, "Oh, that's awful. I'm sorry to hear that, but that makes sense." But yeah, people always come to me and they're like, "You don't have You're not addicted to anything like you don't have any vices and you weren't like touched by an uncle, so like why are you funny?" And I was like, "Well, that's That was That's why I got funny." And again, it was mild, but You when you first got on stage, were you working? What were you doing for a living? Yes. Uh first got on stage, I did have a day job. Um at that time, I was working

86:05Oh my god, I had I've had a few jobs. At one point, I was working at Sylvan Learning Center and at one point, I was working at So you're doing tutoring? I was a center director for uh at Sylvan Learning Center at one point. So I was in charge of the that facility just in that for like where I was in Glendale and I was also in Santa Clarita. Yeah, but I wasn't I was an assistant at the assistant director at the Glendale and I was a full-on center director at Santa Clarita. But then after that I also worked at a nail salon. I worked at a Vietnamese nail salon for a minute at the front desk. Yeah, I worked in Toluca Lake Lake at the place called Oasis Nail Spa. Shout out to my all my Vietnamese nail technicians who still work there. They were very nice. It's right next to Bob's Big Boy. Um I used to work there. I actually met a lot of people working there because it's by the studio. So

86:55like George Lopez would come in there. George Lopez gets his nails did? His whole well when he was still married him and his wife and his daughter would come in. Yeah, so this was before it done? George would get his nails done? them off. I think that's what it was. Yeah, I don't But you know who did come and get his nails done? David Alan Grier with his his wife at the time. They have since split as well. It's a bad luck salon. Everyone that comes in there that's married gets divorced. I don't think it has to do with the salon or a restaurant. It's just showbiz. it's the hardest being in a relationship. You've managed to make it work. It works. You can make it work. You can. I think it just takes like But also I think it's the type of people you are, too. Yeah, 100%. Are your parents still together? My stepfather and my mother are still together. They've been

87:39together since I was a little kid. Oh wow, okay. Yeah. So it's a successful relationship, but it's one that started when I was five. That's commitment. But it works. Yeah. They're they're very friendly I mean they're very happy with each other. Very friendly to each other. So I grew up around that. Yeah. They were they were they had a a healthy relation- I saw a terrible relationship with my mother and my father. Very very briefly. Violent. Oh wow. Dangerous, not good. Then left that. And then when we moved in with my my mother's parents, we lived there for a while and then we got an apartment um after my mom had, you know, escaped from my dad. And then um when my mom met my stepdad, it was a totally different relationship. He's a hippie. And he was like this really nice guy. He's into crystals and stuff? No, just he was just he was, you know, he's an architect. And he was just uh

88:31different kind of guy. Smoked pot, had long hair. Yeah. Just different kind of person. Do you ever wonder about like how you would have like what your personality would be like now if your mom had stayed with your dad like longer? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that wouldn't have been good. I would have I would have been a dangerous person. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I I carry you know, I have a I mean, I don't have a tendency towards violence cuz I'm not a violent person in terms of like actual my actual actions, but I understand it. Right. Like it's there. It's always there. I just don't let it out of the box. And that's why I got into fighting, and that's why So that you could vent martial arts. Yeah, oh god, that changed my life. Like having I think for every boy, especially every boy that grew up I mean, obviously um situations could have been way worse than mine. Mine wasn't

89:17the worst. I know he beat me. I I it wasn't terrible in terms of like I didn't get abused. But I saw it, and I saw a lot of I saw plenty of violence. So, it's like I knew it was a thing, and if I grew up around it, it would eventually start to affect me, and I would have been a part of it. Right. For sure. And the problem is you mirror that, you know, like guys who grew up with dads who beat their mom are way more likely to beat their wives or their girlfriends, or you know, or Absolutely. Or maybe the opposite. Maybe just hate it so much cuz you've seen it that you would never allow it, but Right. But um I think for young men, like having some sort of a vent, something, martial arts especially because you you can actually get out the violence, mhm, where you purge it from your system, you have to think about it anymore. That's giant. Is it really? Cuz I have no idea what

90:11it's like to be a a man, you know. I I don't I I think I do have a a decent amount of testosterone for a woman cuz I I was a tomboy when I was a little girl. Mhm. And I was never into like dresses and like stuff like that when I was younger. I never like envisioned like getting married and having this huge wedding. Those weren't my fantasies when I was a kid, you know. And whenever it was Halloween, I would dress up as a boy. I would be like Count Dracula. My sister would be a princess and I'd be like the Hulk. So, I've always been kind of like I've always gravitated towards a more masculine. Even doing stand-up is a very masculine thing to do. And maybe that's why I attract gay dudes, too. But anyway, that's neither here nor there. So, is it like hard? Like are you guys constantly fighting the urge to be violent? Cuz I don't know. not constantly. You This is how I look look at it. This

91:04is kind of a weird way of looking at it, but this is the way I look at it. I think that every man every man who has a functional endocrine system, who has testosterone, who's been involved in sports, who is fairly athletic, there's violence in your head. So, if your head was a house, okay? There's a room There's a violence room. Okay. And you can open up that door. If that door gets open, sh- crazy can happen. Most of the time, that door is closed. But the more up things that happen in your life, the more your house gets rocked, the more your foundation gets up, the more your joists start to creak and move left and right, and things are off-center and off-plumb, Mhm. then that door opens way easier. That door is leaking. That door is like there's gaps. Like, you know, your the framing is not so good. Yeah, the hinges are loose. Right. And so, for someone who's been around a

91:56lot of violence, like people who grew up in terrible neighborhoods, been involved in gang violence, that kind of that door is always ready to pop open. It's just always ready to open. Whereas someone who grew up like my friend Todd, like one of the nicest guys, super sweet guy, I couldn't imagine him beating anybody up cuz he just was loved. Like maybe even too much. Like it's all love. So his his door is locked up tight. He would need to get the key from his mom if he's going to get in there. Whereas I have other friends where if you if you brush up against that door too much, yeah. Like Joey Diaz. Joey Diaz, if you if you if you knock on that door when he's asleep, he'll punch you in the head. Yeah. It's just like there's violence ready to go. It's I mean he and he doesn't do much, but if if it happens, if the wrong thing happens, that door comes swinging open. You know?

92:49We don't teach We don't teach kids how to deal with their emotions properly. And And I just Did you see the the Mr. Rogers documentary? No. So good. There's only so many things you could say to Well, you could take your kids to see this. the middle of watching that Wild Wild Country. Oh, I've already seen that. How good is that cults. I love cults. Yeah. No, it's uh Are all cults sex cults? Cuz I had a Of course. If there's a dude involved What the the point in having a cult if you don't get some I don't think my cult would be a sex cult. Cuz you're a girl. Yeah, no, I know. What would your cult be? What was the last time a girl ran a cult, by the way? You might be the first. Well, that No, well, that chick who was She was kind of running that, the Rajneesh Puram. On her own, that is lost, okay? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. But she was running stuff while she was there cuz

93:37that dude never left his room. Yeah, but Sheila was only in power because of homeboy. What's his name? Osho? How do you say his name? That's what he called That's what he was called after. Yeah. Uh uh yeah, I don't remember what is. That What it Without him and his He had the look. You got to have that look. You got to have the look of the holy man, all You got to have a crazy beard the dead eyes. and you have to have to drive around in Bentleys and Rolls-Royces and That's what was crazy. Like, how many 22 Rolls-Royces? of these cars, these luxurious cars, do you need? Yeah. And why do you need 22 of the same? That's like you have piss-poor choices. Yeah, no, I don't understand that at all. Try a Mercedes. What'd you say? Try a Mercedes, you know? You got Rolls-Royce, get something different. It's very suspicious. Yeah. And my question is, like, do these people when you when

94:23you're going into a cult, do they know it's a cult? Or do they think it's literally like a legit religious organization that they're just joining? They think it's a legit movement. You know, like, what is a cult, right? Cuz Christianity is often by scholars referred to as a cult. Yeah. You know, like, there's certain documentaries on Christianity that refer to as the cult of Christianity. Like, what what a cult is is a group of people that follow an ideology. They follow a certain way and pattern of being. So, these people are doing that exact same thing. So, until someone from like the FBI starts calling it a cult, like, you don't it's just a it's an organization, right? it is. I think a red flag would be is if like cuz you know the is if your leader is you know, like, that's That to me is a red flag because if you look at if you look at religious organizations in general, like, the one

95:14thing that's frowned upon in like all of them is like too much sex or any sex really, any type of like promiscuity. So, like, and that's a I think across the board with religions just in general. None of them are like, "This is good." They're like, "You should have sex to procreate and like that's it." Yeah. With the person that you're married to. But with that then when they're like, "There's group sex." Like, I think I think we might be in a cult. You know, that's a huge red flag. Yeah, as soon as the dude starts everybody's wife. like, "Wait a second." How come he gets to my wife? Yeah. Well, he's got a direct line to Jesus, bro. All right, okay. All right. Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't trust that. That is the thing though, but that's the thing with men. Like men when they get into power, anytime a man runs a giant organization, has all these followers, and he gets to stand onto a

96:03stage out in, you know, in this grassy field filled with people who are bowing to him, that guy's going to get his dick sucked. Absolutely. He's like there, he's got beads on, and everybody's like, "Oh, show! Oh, show!" Yes, come come for a ride in my Rolls-Royce. their panties at him. You can drive Rolls-Royce number 17. Come on for a ride. So, do you trust like Joel Osteen? Osteen? Uh trust him how? in as in like do you think he's like a man of his word? dollars. You tell me he's not trustworthy. No, I'm just kidding. I was like, "Oh, shit." No, I wouldn't lend that guy any money. That guy's rich as Right. I was like, "Well, this Was this He had a Kickstarter?" Well, he is absolutely Cuz he's in that celebrity zone. He's an evangelist. He's a He's a He's a He's a shyster. They're all shysters. Just that's what they are. He dresses real nice. He talks about

96:58Jesus, and he gets people excited, and they give him their their money. Yeah. They give him their money. That's what he wants, and he's got millions of it. panties thrown at him? Uh didn't he just get divorced? Did he? Did he get divorced? Google that. He's probably getting some serious god-loving Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's got a direct line to God. Jesus said Jesus said, "Tell me So blasphemous. Tell me what Job said. I'll tell you what Job said, baby. Get over here. Yeah. Is that blasphemous? No, it's like he's a leader, you know, I mean that that Here's If it's As long as it's obvious, like is a con bad if it's real obvious? To his followers, he's not a con though. To us, it's like duh. Yeah. But like you were talking about with the cults, when you're in it, it's like I don't think they can see it. But, like Jim Bakker. Like, people that followed Jim Bakker. Yeah.

97:53Yeah, he's still around selling food for people that are scared the world's going to end. He sells buckets of food. But, Tammy Faye died, right? Poor Tammy Faye. Yeah. Long-suffering Tammy Faye. She She died from diet Coke. Diet Coke did her in. Are you serious? That's what they think. She drank too much. Drank it all day, every day. stuff's addictive. It is addictive. There's something there There There are studies that have proven that there's a whatever that artificial sweetener is that they put in there. Yeah, they It's a It causes you Yeah, you You know what else is addictive? Jesus. Jesus? And Jim Bakker's dick. Both those things are addictive. It's Jim Bakker was like a perfect example, though. If you're so stupid you buy into that guy's you deserve to lose all of it. remember his stuff. I remember them. I remember growing up and watching like sketches on like Mad TV or whatever

98:41where they would be making fun of Yes. Yeah, what the master plan Tilton? He's the guy that has his hair slicked back. He's another late-night guy. He would talk in tongues. He He'd be on TV. Ah ah The Lord is moving me to speech. Shamalama hamalama ding dong walla walla bing bang. He would speak in tongues. This is one thing he said. I was listening to it. I started crying laughing. He said, "Every time you write a check to me, Satan gets a black eye." No, he didn't say that. say that. "Every time you write a check to me, Satan gets A BLACK EYE." LIKE, THAT KIND OF THAT SHOULD totally be legal. If you're so stupid you're like, "Holy Satan, I smite thee." And you pull out your checkbook. "I smite you, Satan. You are fixing to get a shiner." Here he is. Look at him. He's going to speak in tongues here. Satan gave me this message. I don't remember this guy.

99:37to the devil. I shouldn't have said that. Hilarious. He's hilarious. I lied to the devil. I shouldn't have said that. Satan gave me this message Satan. It's allowed the devil. I shouldn't have said that. What is that? That was just him. He He speaks in like tongues. When he Is he really old looking now? Was that him? him there? Time is such a cruel Even Robert Tilton went down with all his money. But he's still alive, huh? Probably. What? What is he woofing? He's all his now? Oh, Jesus. Is that what he looks like? Him? That can't be the same guy. him. It is him. That wasn't even that long ago. Wasn't that like The '90s from when that video? Boy, all that whiskey and and coke. Look at him. He looks Doing coke for Jesus. Da na na na na. They're like, "We done? We wrapped? We wrapped?" Gold underwear. Woo! Gold underwear. Jumps in a private jet. untrustworthy. waiting for him.

100:39As soon as he touches down, they shoot the hookers. "You know too much." Stop it. Did they remix it? Yeah, it's a remix of him speaking in tongues. Why aren't they remixing stuff anymore? I know, right? Remember like that bedroom intruder? They remix everybody. They remix everybody. They're not doing that anymore. guy. I met that guy. He came to UFC. Shut up. Yeah, Dana White right? Didn't he get paid? They made like a million dollars off that song. money. Yeah, he made some money. Dana White brought him to a UFC. Is this cuz he was gay, right? And then then went to church and said he wasn't gay anymore. Yeah, he was ashamed of being gay. It was very sad cuz he was saying that, you know, he was ashamed of being gay and that, you know, the church was going to they were going to pray the gay away. It's one of them deals. So, that's that to me makes me so sad. It does. It's

101:30There's nothing wrong with being gay and and this this idea that you could change someone from being gay so stupid. It's like just be gay, man. You're gay. It's all right. It's okay. You just need better people around you that tell you you're okay. you that they love you. Yeah. Yeah. And that it's okay to be gay. find other gay people and you're like, "Oh, you're like me. We're good." Yeah, you're good. You're fine. You guys are going to be fine. Yeah. All you need to do is move to Atlanta. Or anywhere else where there's gay people. LA and you know, find a gay scene. be in the closet out here, too. Ugh, there's a lot of people in the closet out here and I don't get it. There's people in show business that I know they're in the closet. I'm like, "Man, get out Get out of that goddamn closet. You have a new fan base. A whole new fan base. And then when you meet guys like

102:13Todd Glass who did get out of closet, he was so much happier now. He's like it's just a giant burden relieved relieved off my back. Like, "Yeah. It's just Be yourself, man. And you know, Plus it's the stigma is so it's it's bad for everybody. It's bad for gay people. It's bad for straight people because it's even bad for people who are homophobes cuz they don't realize how many people are really gay. Right. And if they did, they would probably be like, "Oh, then maybe this is normal." Yeah. Like it is normal. Yes. Yeah, it's Since the beginning of time. different than having blue eyes or black hair, whatever the it is. Animals are gay. Yes. Trust me, my dog's gay as Really? Yeah, he licks my other dog's dick. Every time my Poor Marshall. Every I'm throwing him under the bus. Maybe Marshall's into it. You don't know. Well, Johnny Cash, my mastiff, when he

103:00he'll take a leak, Marshall come over and and lick his dick right after he takes a I'm like, "Marshall, get the away from his dick, man. Stop doing that, dude." So depressing. Gets right up in there instantly. Look at that. How many dogs do you have? Three. Three? Yeah. I'm Two of them are on death's door, though. Oh. They're very, very old. They're ready to go. recommend getting a dog? I love dogs. I love them, too. I just just a lot of work, I know. I've had dogs since I had enough money to have dogs. The moment when I moved to LA and I had a sitcom, I'm like, okay, I can pay my rent. I'm getting a dog. I love dogs. I just want to make sure that I'd be able to have like I don't want to have to burden somebody when I go out of town have dog sitter places. There are places you can go that are really good. They take care of They'll even train your dog

103:45while while they have them. I want one so bad. Get a dog, girl. I want one. You look like you'd have a dog. You look like you'd have a good dog. me I had First of all, when I came here, you said I look like I have a kid. No, I thought you had a kid. You know why I said it? I think somebody brought it up. Somebody said Candace has a child. I think someone said it. It was probably some girl who hated on you. Probably. you under the bus. Probably. Yeah. She's like, Candace has a kid at home. AND SO LIKE IT'S SOMETHING I SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF. I DON'T even know where I got it from, but somebody brought it up. cage. That's why I asked you. I don't know. But you would I think you'd be very good at taking care of a dog, though. What kind of dog would you get? I like really small or really big. Like and but my my place that I have I have a nice sized place, but I still

104:32would like to have property when I have if I have a big dog. So I would probably want a smaller one just for the sake of, you know, size Right. I don't It's limited. So I really I really do like pugs. Are you friends with Whitney Cummings? I'm not friends with her. We've met, but I I can't say we're friends, no. Talk to her about dogs. She's got a shitload of them. That has a horse. What? Yeah, she's got a horse. Well, wait, what do you mean she has? Like that She owns a horse. No, oh, I get the horse part. But you said she has dogs. Like she would give me a dog. No, she Look, she's I I go to her She's very smart and I I go to her talk to her about dog questions. She gives me dog advice. Like how to deal with dogs. Like, you know what she said? She goes She goes, first of all, she talks to you like this. She goes, first of all, I'm in charge of my house. She goes, I

105:18don't walk around my dogs, I walk through them. She goes like, I'm the alpha. She goes, they they don't get to get on top of me, they don't climb on top of me, they don't kiss my face. She goes, "I'm in control." I don't want dogs in my bed. Yeah. Yeah. You don't have to have that. Yeah, no, but I know so many people think I'm weird because I wouldn't want my dog in my bed. There's Whitney's dogs. Oh, yeah, here she loves pits. Yeah. yeah, she does. Look at how nice those dogs are. That's adorable. the one with the bow tie. Adorable. Adorable. That's a cute little uh tiny one, too. What is that little one? Mhm. What is that? Bulldog. Aw, little bulldog. Yeah, I like I like bulldogs. I like French bulldogs. Um but I'm also one of those ones that like those like little tiny ones that probably annoy you. I like Yorkies. I like um you? I like Yorkies. I like um I like Pomeranians.

106:06I just like dogs. I In general? Yeah, you know, the only dogs I feel bad for are those bulldogs with those fat faces that can't walk and they can't breathe. Pugs are like that, too. They They have really They have nasal problems. But they're so cute. did you do to this poor dog? What happened? in the face, but they're so cute. It's from all the breeding, right? Isn't that how they got like Yeah. Well, they've made them that way on purpose cuz they want their face to be flattened out. So, they've they've they've bred for that characteristic. Ugh. Yeah. Get a dog. Get a man, Candace. Anything else? No, if I I'm not getting both. No? So, if you get a man, then you get rid of the dog? realistic for me than getting a man. get a dog and then you have a man, you go, "Well, this is one too many things. I got to kill this dog." Ew, I would kill the man first. 100%. Damn. That's dark.

106:57All right, Candace, we're going to wrap this up. Anything else to say to the people? Your first introduction to you? Um on my first introduction? Mhm. I think this went well. I think it went very well. We're getting to know one another. about doing this for a while. I'm glad we finally did it. We did make it happen. Now, you're going to come and do my podcast, right? For sure. And Candace, when you at the Comedy Store? When you on the tour? When When Where can people go see you? Do you stand up? candacethompsoncomedy.com. I'll post I post all my dates. If you I'm going to do JFL this year in Montreal if anyone's going to be in Canada. Um I believe on the 26th of July, 26th, 27th, and 28th. the Are you doing the gala? The The gala? Oh, no. I don't think I am. I don't That's the the TV thing that they do, the giant Yeah, no. I don't It's very big in Montreal. Yeah, no. I don't think I'm

107:42doing that. Je peux parler français un peu? Mhm. All right. Candace. Um so yeah, candacethompsoncomedy.com and jokesbycandace on Twitter and Instagram. All right. Candace, thank you. We did it. Yay. High five. Yay. Thanks, Rogan. My pleasure.