Moment 87 - Dr Aria On How To Get Over Heartbreak

00:01Sometimes in life, you have these unbelievable, somewhat cruel coincidences that occur, that it's hard to make sense of. And last time you came on this podcast, I would define it as, for me anyway, a pretty cruel coincidence, because we had a conversation to do with life generally and success and the mindset and psychology and all the things that you're expert on. And for whatever reason, that day, I decided that I wanted to spend 30 minutes talking about marriage, cheating, love, and asking you these very personal questions about monogamy, which I've never done before with any guest ever, and which I really had no place or reason to ask you more than anyone else. And it just feels to me, for what we're going to talk about in part today, that that was a bit of a cruel coincidence. And you know, one of the questions I asked you was, um do you believe in monogamy and then i asked you can you love someone and cheat on them and when i listened to that podcast back i now noticed um why you laughed because it wasn't you laughed yeah and it wasn't a normal laugh it was like a real belly laugh right like a bit of a nervous belly laugh yeah after we came off air on that podcast you told me something and uh it even

01:25gives me goosebumps now thinking about what you said and it gave the whole team in the room who overheard our conversation goosebumps as well so after our 30-minute conversation about marriage and monogamy and cheating and love what did you say to me told you a story yeah and that was uh about two weeks earlier i'd been traveling back from london home and I got out of the train station and my wife picked me up and we got into the car and we had planned to go and have a brunch at my favorite little spot they do amazing cuervo's rancho sauce I was very excited and she said let's go straight home I've made sandwiches and she doesn't make great sandwiches so I said no no I think the brunch is a better option and she said no there's something that I need to tell you and I said is it bad and she said yes and i said is that about the marriage and she said yes and then we began to drive back and i had the sinking feeling in me and we're we drove for about five minutes in silence and then i went to put my hand on her lap and she said don't don't touch me because you won't want you after I've told you what's happened. And that's whenever it drops. And I remember that 10 minute drive back home then felt like an eternity. I was just looking out the window.

02:56And we got home, we got into the house, into the kitchen, and I was standing by the kitchen table, hands rested on it. And I said, what's happened? And she said, I've been having an affair with a man from work. And I remember just tears began to stream. I didn't move completely motionless. Tears began to stream. And then she said, and that's not all. And she said, I'm pregnant with this child. And in that moment, I felt like I lost a lot. You know, i'd lost my wife i'd lost the life we created i'd lost uh the dog our home her my parents a lot her family everything that i'd really held dear if someone said what makes a meaningful life i would have described these things and it felt like they'd just been snatched away just came crumbling down on like a house of cards and then fast forward two weeks and steve decides to ask and i remember because the first thing no no it's fascinating because the first thing you asked was you're married right and i did this high-pitched laugh i go yes and then and then the conversation flowed on and it's themes i'd really thought about can you love someone and cheating them does monogamy exist is it natural are we set up to live a life where we're in one relationship

04:37with one person only and so over the past 18 months it's been a process and some of these themes have been very real to me i just as i reflect on that conversation and when i played it back um after you told me so we come off air we stood next to the table in the microphone and you explained to me what's happened. I'm, for the first time in my life, completely speechless. And the thing that blew me away, even more so than what you'd said to me, was your ability to be so calm and rational and objective in the answers you gave.

05:13And even when I listen back now, although there was that laugh, which was a bit of an indication, you were able to speak about someone betraying you or being deceitful with a level of calmness. and apparent emotional sort of restraint that I just admired so much from someone that was right in the middle of the emotional hurricane and had just been victim of that act. And you said that, you know, about the topic of monogamy. How did that change your opinion?

05:47And also the subsequent 18 months of processing on the topic of monogamy. So as a quick aside, I like that analogy and we touched upon it briefly about the hurricane. And it's funny, actually, because a friend of mine showed me a book about a week ago, and it was different personality profiles depending on the day that you've been born on. And when we looked mine up, there's a little meditation at the end, a summary, and it said, the stillest part of the hurricane is its centre.

06:20And that essentially has been a philosophy that's guided my life where sometimes there's a storm and it's horrendous and it's raging but if you can cultivate that sense of stillness and calmness and clarity deep within you no matter what life throws at you you will be okay because the second part of whenever i was told that news and the tears were streaming and i felt that sense of loss and overwhelming sadness. It was a remarkable moment where in that instant, and I can only describe it as a whisper, I heard a whisper within me as if it was resonating from a heart that all will be well. For words, all will be well. All will be well. And I knew even then, I knew whenever you know this tumultuous emotion, I knew everything's going to be okay. I will get through this i'm gonna have to walk through the desert and i'm gonna have to endure horrific amount to an emotional level but it's all going to be fine how did you know that i think it's something that i've cultivated over over 10 15 years and that's why i do what i do now because i want to help other people to be able to reach that stage and and it began on a journey of um buddhist exploration and understanding the nature of life and i came to this realization that life

07:49involves suffering. There's no promise that it's going to be happy-go-lucky and really pleasant all the time. Really horrific things happen in life and on one level there's no way that we can ever rationally explain it away. Sometimes bad things happen but it doesn't end there. It's a bit like that line that someone once sent to me, whenever you're suffering don't ask God why am I suffering ask god where are you taking me and so i've i've developed this ability to begin to view my life as though it's happening to someone else as though the experience the thoughts the emotions are are something that i can i can almost take it back on and have perspective and i can see it and i can feel it but i know that my thoughts that isn't just who i am my emotions isn't just through my and that's a temporary experience and and throughout my life no matter what has happened even whenever it's been brutal it's often shifted me in a new trajectory and there's been a new meaningful life ahead of me and i knew even then she's going to be okay she'll be okay it's going to be a tough road for her too but she'll be okay and it's going to be a tough road for me to you but i will be okay anger so many people in that situation whether rightly

09:17or wrongly just because of the way that they are yeah would have reacted with anger and for some reason you were both calm in telling me you're calm now and this remarkable thing which i i think i i struggled to understand a little bit is one of your first concerns was her well-being versus your own why because i loved her and i was in the practice of of placing her emotional well-being and her happiness on the same level as mine if not sometimes first and foremostly but at least on unequal playing field and and i was just so in that habit and that was the toughest thing to let go of. The thing that I still struggle with today, and I'm still, it's the one part that I realised the other day, that I still had a fear of upsetting her or of her not being okay. And so that's something which just really developed and was so ingrained.

10:29And it's interesting, on the point of anger, if you said, look, your wife, partner for 10 years married for five has an affair and is pregnant with another man's child how will you react i would have said anger i would be furious but it wasn't there at least not initially it was this overwhelming sense of sadness it was just that sense of loss of knowing that again that she's potentially done something that she might regret for a long time and i don't want anyone to go through that experience where they feel like they've fucked up hugely even if If the future is positive in that moment, my sense is there will be regret or at least shame.