Moment 52 - Why You Need To Be Kinder To Yourself: Fearne Cotton

00:01You start in, in part one of the book talking about this sort of self compassion experiment. So tell me about what this self compassion experiment is and, and what it, what it taught you and how it helped you with those limiting beliefs. It really means a lot that, that you got that from the book. So I'm, I'm super grateful. Um, but self compassion, I didn't really know where this book would take me. I knew the subjects I wanted to cover.

00:26I didn't know what the themes would be at the start that kind of appeared later down the line as the book kind of formed, but the first section did very much um end up sort of seeped in the theme of self compassion and I guess the starting point was talking to Wendy, who is a shaman that I know Wendy Mandy and she's lived with many indigenous tribes and uh shamanic people the world over. I won't say how old she is, but she's done this for decades and decades and every message seemed to go back to self compassion and I've always known it's important but I've. Certainly not practiced it because you do have to practice it and I've certainly not nailed it. I've allowed myself to get back into these loops of like this acerbic voice that says I'm a piece of shit ETC so I was like.

01:18If Wendy's saying this again and again and again and then so is the next person I interview and the next person I interview, then I've got to focus on this. And it is a matter of focus. You can focus on all the things you don't like about yourself or you can choose to, you know, accept and acknowledge that there are some things you're not as good at and mistakes you've made that everyone has. We are human, we are fallible humans, but you can focus on the stuff that you really like about yourself and that you really want to celebrate.

01:48About yourself and that you know and that you notice the gifts that you have because we've all got that every single person has got something to give, so it's a matter of putting your focus and attention here or putting it over here. So that was what I learned writing that chapter was I need to focus more on this stuff and not keep worrying so much. Should I have said this? Have I upset that person? Is it awful that 10 years ago I did this thing that I really regret? You know we've all done that. There's no single person even the shiny movie stars we see in the cinema or. People we see On Instagram with 20 million followers, they have all made mistakes, they all have ugly bits of themselves, they don't like silly things, they've done awful things, they've said slip UPS, they've made, you know, they've done things not from a benevolent place, we've all done it.

02:39But we can choose to not live in that area the whole time and like focus on it and drown in it. And we can look at the stuff that we do want to celebrate about ourselves with acceptance. You haven't got to ignore and Shun the shadow side because we've all got that. But have an acceptance of it alongside celebrating the good stuff, I think is really what I learned from writing that, that chapter and. in practical terms, how do you celebrate? How do you celebrate. The good stuff and try not to let the mind wander away when you wake up in the morning and you start immediately thinking about oh my god, MY my hair is this, my nails are that, why haven't I done this, I'm a bad mum ETC as you write about in the book, how do you what's the practical kind of like discipline that you've engaged in to be more self compassionate?

03:22I'm quite lucky in the fact that I'm a very obvious person, so I can see myself very obviously. My habits are obvious and they're big, and my big one is to work too much and to be a workaholic, and to put the kids to bed and then keep working until I'm exhausted and my husband's like, shut your fucking laptop like, what are you doing? Just stop like, what are you doing and sometimes that is coming from a place of wanting to do well, some of the time.

03:52A lot of the time, probably 80% of the time that is coming from a place of I'm a shitty person, I don't deserve what I've got, I don't deserve to have the job that I've got, I've made mistakes, I'm an ID IoT, I have to work harder if I am to believe that I deserve where I'm at, that's where that's coming from. So I can see it. It's obvious when I go into workaholic mode, I go, oh, I don't, I must be not liking myself very much now I'm beating myself up about something within me and it's deep rooted you have to get down to that place of.

04:26What is this that I don't like about myself and on the days that I choose to do something nice on myself and I'm not talking about anything fancy, I'm talking about going for a walk, that to me is bliss, headphones, music, walking, I'm in heaven going for a walk, resting, like allowing myself time out, allowing myself time where I'm not worrying about emails and how well the podcast is doing and is my book selling and just being and. Hanging out with nice people or having a friendly chat with someone, then I know that my actions are coming from a place where I'm at peace with myself that day, so I'm obvious it' will be different for everyone, but you can probably spot the patterns where you're in a little negative cycle versus the ones where you're being. Nicer to yourself.