Joey Diaz (Part 3)
Guests: Joey Diaz
Full transcript · Read the full conversation in order, with its original context.
§01Transcript · 00:00
You don't want to be here. You want to be in the mountains in Montana. Yeah. Not even Colorado anymore. There's too many fucking momos in Colorado. The fucking money came in. The fake fucking money and bought the hillbillies out. The real motherfuckers that you needed in case shit went down. You got to go to Woody Creek to find those people. No, Woody Creek, that's still fucking amateurs too. Really? A bunch of fucking boozers up there. Really? You got to go deep, deep in the mountains of Gunnison and shit like that. Gunderson? Gunnison. Brian, you got your volume on. We're echoing. Gunnison. Gunderson. Gunnison. Where's that? That's down south. What do you think about all that shit about the Denver airport? Do you know anything about the conspiracy behind the Denver airport? What is it now? The Denver airport, first of all, they moved way more dirt than they needed to. Right.
And so there's all this thought that there's some sort of subterranean tunnel system. It's all based on the end of the world. Oh, let it go. And there's, like, shelters. They fucked up. Stapleton Airport was a brilliant airport. It was like Burbank. You could smuggle a fucking dead fucking kilo of coke in there. Nobody said nothing. And all of a sudden they came up with a bright idea. Let's fucking make an airport 90 miles farther out by Kansas. So when it snows, we really get fucking buried. We have no protection. That's a bunch of cowboys, bro, making decisions. And trust me, they're too stupid to even know what a conspiracy theory is. They have a great airport. The people that built it maybe, but if the government was really truly behind it, like all these people think, What it is is that they made an airport there But in constructing the airport
They also built some sort of underground safeguard Well, Norad is there So there's got to be some kinky shit Well, you know, if it's close I mean, that would be a move, right? Build an airport and then build some shelters I mean, that airport is by fucking Kansas When you go out to that airport There ain't dick out there That's what they call it The airport in the Kansas It was easy, man When I lived in Denver Or in Boulder, rather It was easy to drive there How far was the drive? Fucking hour Nothing Never any traffic It used to be 25 minutes Here's the deal, though, bro. There's no traffic out there. It don't matter. It used to be 25 minutes with no traffic, no drama. Put on some fucking tunes, crack the window a little bit. They built this monster to spend money. Yeah. They built this monster to just, you know, like when I went to fucking Newark to see the fights with you.
They redid Newark. They built a soccer stadium. Right. Fucking soccer stadium in Newark. They're spending money left and right, but they still can't put in a left-hand turning signal. So if you got to make a left, 29 fucking miles of people got to make a left. Well, they're trying to keep up their reputation as the carjack capital of the world. And if you've got some left turn signals, you've got some outliers. People can escape the drama. Fucking amazing. That's the thing about that. It's like they think there's something really going on inside that Denver airport. There's all these documentaries dedicated to it. And one of the reasons for it is because there's these crazy murals that are painted up in the Denver airport. And they're really disturbing, man. They're apocalyptic. Like one guy's got a fucking gas mask on With a giant sword And there's like pictures of children And coffins
And there's fire in the background Have you ever seen that shit? Yeah, but Yeah, we've actually talked about it On this podcast before We did? Yeah But do you think that has anything to do With that? I'm like, you're putting the two together I don't think that it does Definitely But it's interesting You know, I mean I don't have an opinion One way or another I've listened to the people Talk about how it's just some Great escape base And that 2012 There's gonna be You know, fucking and asteroids going to hit, that they're tracking, it's going to kill everybody except the people that are in this underground bunker. I don't know, man. I watched a TV show on those dudes. Those dudes that have, they've bought like fucking condos out in these shelters, out in like Death Valley and shit. Have you seen those? People have space in Death Valley, and so they have like a condo
inside this underground bunker thing. It's out in the middle of fucking nowhere. You have to drive, and you go out there, and they had these shows. I forget who was the host of the show, but they took you on a tour of these fucking, it might have been Jesse Ventura. No, it wasn't him, because they had a sense of humor. But whoever it was was like, really? And they take you on this fucking tour of these underground bunkers that they have set up where they can survive a fucking nuclear bomb. I mean, these guys are like half a mile deep into the fucking earth. So you survived the bomb. Now it's you and eight fucking momos looking at each other. Looking at each other. Listen, just live your fucking life. These people that dig into that shit, just live your fucking life. You get hit by a bomb, the best thing you can do is move on to the fucking next life
and pray to God it'll be fucking better. You understand me? I hear that Doors music. Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with people? I'm going to live in a bunk. Can you imagine living your life consumed with what happened when the bomb drops? After 1960, those people, that shit wore off. In the 60s, they all moved into buildings with underground drops, with little fucking sandwiches. That's how Tang was fucking invented. What do you think they invented Tang for? So when we go in that fucking tunnel of doom and after the Russians fuck everybody in the ass, we could come out and we got vitamin C from the fucking Tang. That's what Tang was invented for. But guess what? Our fears aren't the Russians anymore. It's a lot bigger than that. And whatever's gonna hit now, right now there's a thing going on in Japan where we don't fucking know. They're lying to the people just like everything
else. They're lying at 20 mile radius. That shit's horrible. That shit is horrible. Radiation is fucking horrible. And the best is all these people are raising their hands now. We have radiation in Key West. Don't blame it on fucking Japan. Don't blame it on Japan now. That's not Japan's fault. You guys have had radiation on your own. You greasy motherfuckers down there off the coast of Florida. You filthy cock suckers. Now you want to blame on the poor fucking Japs there walking around with fucking masks and eggs. There's radiation in Florida that's primarily from coked up whores jerking guys off and creating heat in the air. That fucking sperm that they put in the fucking beach during CSI Miami. You see all these chicks, Brazilians, jumping up and down with that ass. That's what that fucking is. Pussy. Fucking nasty radiation.
There's something extra dirty about porn that you get from Miami. You ever watch porn from Miami? Because it's almost like they're like retarded people fucking. You know what I mean? And they're always oiled up to the wind drop. And there's something about it. Like you can't relate. It's hard to even jerk off to. What in trouble, Joe Rogan? Never mind the Martians and what's going on. What in fucking trouble? How in trouble? This thing in Japan is a lot worse than what they're saying. You think so? Fuck yeah. What makes you say this? Just know our society. And they don't want to scare us. Wait till those fucking Japanese start coming out with six fucking eyes. And you don't know which one's looking at you. Then they're going to say, what the fuck? Is that better? So you can see better? The fuck? Maybe that's 2012. That'll be our next mutation. This is not good.
An adaptation to radiation. This is not fucking good. Are there any animals besides roaches that are really good with radiation? Roaches are supposed to be the best at it, right? Yeah. They can pretty much live through anything. But is that even just like a joke? A wives' tale? Yeah. I don't know. Someone should do us a favor. Now we know that Japan is fucked. Send a box of cockroaches over there with a webcam on it. Let's see what's up. I'm telling you, man. If you love America, go over there and do that, stupid. All that fucking water, all that soil. And they don't know what the fuck's going on. And you know what? Now, besides that, we're all spread out. We're in Libya. We're in this fucking place. Yeah, what the fuck are we doing in Libya, man? Are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking crazy? These guys are just sitting there waiting.
§02Transcript · 06:56
It's like you're just waiting for us to wear out before you fuck us in the air. Yeah, why in Libya? What's that guy we've been looking for for 11 years? Something been like. Yeah, he's just sitting there going, oh, we got him now. Just spread out like motherfuckers. We'll just light a firecracker in Kansas. Listen to this CNN breaking news. I get CNN breaking news sent to my phone. U.S. intelligence source CIA is operating inside Libya to help U.S. increase military and political understanding. What? That means somebody's about to get jacked, bitch. What kind of horse shit quote is that? Oh, the CIA is there to increase military and political understanding. No, this is what we want you to do. Do you understand? Okay, here's the political understanding. We got the bombs, bitch. We got fucking robots that we can operate from Nevada.
And you don't even see them because they blend in with the sky. And they don't make any noise because they're fucking solar powered. And they contain Hellfire missiles. Hellfire. That's what they decided to name them. Not the beautiful flower missile or lick my asshole missile. No. Hellfire. Hellfire missiles and they're shooting them from another fucking part of the world. Imagine the lag they have. They must have to really plan a shot in advance. It's just like playing Quake online when you got lag. If you have a 56K connection and there's some asshole you're playing against who's got a cable modem. No, he gets to move quicker than you because his downtime, his ping time, between connecting to the server and back is much quicker. So you're fucked. So these guys must have super lag. Listen, Doug, in 1985 we went to see Rambo 2
and that motherfucker took an arrow out on an explosive at the end. And when he shot it, all of us lost our mind. Nobody liked the black people. Black people love arrows with explosives at the end. I've seen that movie on 178th Street. I've never seen black people go fucking crazy in my life. When Rambo came out of the mud and his eyes opened up and choked the motherfuckers, black people went bananas. They're like yelling, we should have thought of that. What is it about black dudes that love watching martial arts? Love it. They love anything special. Like a dude doing some crazy shit like, oh, that motherfucker got a gun in his shoe. Check that shit out. There's something about a dude pulls his shoe off and guns down the bad guy. You're like, oh shit, no he didn't. What is that? What is it? They're just very vocal. They're excited. You know? They love it.
The best thing about this is that was 20 years ago. The shit we got now as bombs and stuff is off the charts. Oh, off the charts. We got a bomb that comes at you as a car that follows you to the gas station, bro. And while you're pumping gas, it turns into a bomb. A guy pops out and taps you on the shoulder and says goodbye. That's the shit we got. We got shit that comes to your house dressed up like a cake. Happy birthday. and when you go to blow out the candles, it just fucking blows up. We got some shit now. You know what I saw that was really crazy? They got this rover, this remote-controlled drone rover that's moving around that can jump in the air. It gets up to a fence, and I think it can go like eight or nine feet in the fucking air. Wow. And it moves up to the fence, and then it just goes, doink, and flies through the air and lands on the other side. Wow, that's cool.
And it looks like, it basically looks like some sort of a flat box, you know, where all the electronics is, with two rubber tractor things on the side of it, I guess. And the fucking thing flies through the air. I mean, what? What's next? You know, that's the other thing that people are thinking about, a lot of the shit that's going down in Afghanistan, a lot of the shit that's going down in the Middle East period, is that the CIA has got all kinds of shit going on, all kinds of little drones and explosives blowing up in convenient spots to spark anger. That's what they do. That's what they do. and spark war and get, you know. They've always done that. And the bottom line of this, what do you think is really going on? They figured out, some Libyan doctor figured out a way how to grow 50 kilos of heroin in your bathtub and the United States find out and that jacked that motherfucker.
Gaddafi's got an army of motherfuckers around this guy with missiles and explosives, but the United States is jacking this guy. It's got something to do with H. It's got something to do with fucking why we're over there in the fucking first place. The whole nucleus of this thing. People are dying in Detroit from heroin from this fucking war. And now we're going to take over Libya. Boxes of money. Isn't it amazing how many people think you're crazy when you start talking about the fact they're in Afghanistan for heroin? People go, what are you talking about? They'll look at you like you just fucking ate a bowl of shit. They'll look at you like, oh, you're a ridiculous person. Yeah, we're at war for heroin. Where do you think that money's going, man? Where's that money going? You know how much money we're talking about? They're going to ignore that? You're fucking crazy.
We want to take over a country so we can eat better gyros. That's what you're telling me? Gyros. Go fuck yourself. We're taking over a country so we can take over that fucking loot, dog. Yeah. That's the bottom line, man. It's a lot of loot. That's the bottom line. There's a lot of loot over there. And there's all sorts of loot in Libya, too. I mean, is it a fucking coincidence that for whatever reason we decide to attack Libya instead of going to Mexico and straighten out that bullshit that's right next door? But all Mexico's got is burritos. They got burritos and hookers and donkeys and tequila. There's not a lot of shit to offer. Mexicans are getting ready, though. Mexico's got some crazy motherfuckers down there. Well, they got to clean up their problem. They got a big problem, and it's because of the United States. It's a big part of it. They wanted to make everything legal.
They wanted to. You know, they did. Do you know that? Here's a little known fact. Mexico has decriminalized everything. Small amounts when you're not selling it, everything's legal now. You could get acid in Mexico. You can get mushrooms in Mexico. They decriminalized everything. just because they had to allocate resources to fight these fucking drug lords. I mean, that's a gone country. That country's gone. That country doesn't have a government anymore. And it's right next door. Right next door. Right next door. Right next door. The fucking drug army is, it's like going to war with someone who lives in your country. It's like if we were fighting Al-Qaeda, but Al-Qaeda had billions of dollars and was way more armed, and they were living here. That's what it's like. That's what it's like being a fucking cop in Mexico. And here's the crazy thing.
Mexico's coming back to get what's theirs, bitch. California and Texas. You can't take Texas. It's not going to happen. You can't take Texas. Even the Mexicans will go around Texas and Jack Wyoming. Jack Dallas, Arcana and shit. Don't give them a beat. Nah, you can't. The outskirts of Texas, they'll come out of their hunting blinds and kill you. You don't have a chance. He already lives there. Ted Nugent lives in Waco now. Yeah, you can't fuck with Texas. Yeah, fuck yeah, he does. He's got a high fence. I've always admired. I think he's a retard, but I think he does a lot of things that I really agree with. And one of the things that I agree with is when he lived in Michigan, he had this badass compound. We had 2,000 acres or something like that, and it was all fenced in. And he had all these animals living inside his compound, and he would just go and jack them.
And that's where he got all his food from. He got all his food from hunting on his own property. And I'm like, God damn it, that's fucking brilliant. That's how I want to live. I would love to live like that. Just eat what you hunt. Yeah. Well, that's one of the reasons why I was moving to Colorado. One of the reasons why I was up there. I was like, look, if the shit hits the fan, you're living in the woods. You know, there's a lot of animals out here in the spring water that comes out. Can you imagine fucking shooting a pig? Yeah. And cooking them in a fucking cave with your kids? A cave. Just giving them all fucking silverware and living in a tent with fucking eaters. If the shit ever went down and got kinky. Can you imagine that? Kinky. Kinky dog. Kinky. Shit gets kinky dog in that cave with my eaters. I don't know about you motherfuckers. I'm excited about Oregon.
§03Transcript · 14:19
Oregon's one of those states. Yeah, we're going to have a good fucking time. Oregon's one of those states that's been on the grid for years, but nobody knew about. They kept it hush hush I used to get some good weed in Oregon 15 fucking years ago Yeah Pass, Ashland, Eugene, Bend Oregon's a hippie Fucking foundation over there in Bend Portland's a pretty hippie place too Isn't it? Very hippie place up there Girls have dirty feet Yeah, girls have dirty feet You gotta make them put socks on Fuck socks Put socks on and don't breathe in my mouth Portland was the place that I went to last year And we were trying to find the most attractive person In a Costco for like a half hour Me and the girl I was with Oh, see, who would you fuck? Yeah, and we couldn't find anyone Wow Well, that's a Costco, though, dude Go to a Costco in Burbank You're dealing with a bunch of cripples there, too
I know, but that's a packed Costco I usually can find one string You need to go to better places So there's a smaller amount Smaller amount of people you'd want to fuck That's okay, dude You're gonna be okay I'll be okay Gotta live somewhere if this place falls apart There's too many humans here There's too many fucking people Too many Yeah, but we keep on saying that But we're not doing anything about it I did, I did I fucking moved, man. The only reason why I came back is because Mrs. Rogan got pregnant and because the dog got eaten by a mountain lion. If it wasn't for that, I would stay up there. You should have went to the suburbs then. That's my next move, man. You ain't going back. What are you talking about? Oh, it's not like I'm already talking to real estate agents. Oh, snap. You don't know shit, dog. She'll let you talk all that nonsense. Nah, she'll go back. Oh, shit.
This is the move. The move is you go and you get a summer place and you try it out and you live there for a summer. That's right. And then it becomes like you'd be super nice while you're there. So it becomes all nostalgic You know So I just Every time we're there I'll just bring home Flowers and shit And then we come back to LA And then it's all jujitsu And loud music And too much pot smoke See LA's negative Yeah Daddy's crazy in LA Daddy just wants to fight And smoke pot And he's walking around naked No In Colorado Daddy wants to go get ice cream And daddy's bringing flowers home See You just train them bro Here's the problem you got You start blowing farts on her I love you to death I got a whole fucking deal here Here's the problem Joe Rogan's got. Joe Rogan's got a great wife. And Joe Rogan, I went to his home last week.
And that was one of the first times that Mrs. Rogan was home a couple times. And I've been up there like four times. Mrs. Rogan likes to rock the house. Mrs. Rogan don't like to sit at home. And the problem is, all up where you live now, all you got to do is go down the hill. She can get the party started. Where you put her before, motherfucker, that's a witness relocation plan. She had to drive 90 miles before she even seen a Denny's, dog. It was another 20 miles. She was from all the way up in Boulder. The first mall that she cares about is Cherry fucking Creek. You know what I'm saying? So you had her too far away. Was that Denver? Yeah, you had her too far away from the mall. Too far away from the mall? You got to keep her closer to the mall. You had her 90 fucking miles, dog. And then she slipped on the ice. You know what I loved the most living up there? My head almost blew up.
What I loved the most living up there was that there was a small amount of people, man. Small amount? Boulder's only got 100,000 plus people. Not that much, man. And people are friendlier like that. There's a more relaxed vibe. And I think that shit is healthy. I think there's something exciting About living in a big city Especially if you're You know You're involved in the hustle And bustle And you're really trying To make something happen And you know What's a bustle? I don't know I can't believe you're talking To a realtor again If you got divorced You probably get married again After a week You dumb fuck You talking to a realtor again? Are you ready Talking to a realtor about it? Mr. Grogan's gonna shut that party up You gotta figure out a way To get a fucking car for her To the mall Quicker where the action's at I can do that Don't worry about this
And you gotta move a little closer That was too much You had a two up in the hills And you just need to move to Texas Texas is cool I like Austin, I'm a big fan of that Austin, Texas I'll tell you that, I'd live there If I was going to live Still, weed is not legal there The thing about Colorado is it's just like California You could just go rock weed everywhere Will Mrs. Ruben move to Austin? Not yet, not yet The shit hits the fan, anything can happen When the shit hits the fan, then everybody gets scared Then you start making survival choices You can live in Kansas You'd rather be healthy in Kansas But the weed stores in Colorado Are just like out here, bro They're everywhere There's one place in Denver Where there's fucking seven of them on a street Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing They're everywhere Is it easier to get a license, though? Same deal I get headaches Bang Prescription, son
I didn't know it was like They had them 20 minutes away from me When I was shooting that movie Right in the mountains They had them Like a doctor Oh, yeah, there's a place That I used to go to in the mountains It was like a gift shop And they were doing They were struggling They were doing terrible and they were about to lose their business. And then they started selling weed in the back of the gift shop. Legal. They got a legal license. Boom! Now they're balling. Now they're about to open. The one place they open up in Boulder is supposedly, I don't know if it's open yet, but they were talking about it was going to be 30,000 square feet. It was going to be three floors. I don't know if they went through with it. I need to find out if they did. Because that's just the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard. That's a goddamn shopping mall. That's a Walmart of weed. Yeah, a Walmart of weed.
But they had great spots there, man. They had great spots where you can get weed. I got some fucking weed two days ago in Hollywood. It's 31% THC level. This shit ain't even necessary. What kind was it again? It's Matt's OG. I've been smoking Matt's since 2006. And you've got to figure that every year it gets a little strong. It's their trade weed. They pay this grower. I forgot to bring a bud. It looks like one of the Martians from Independence Day. You can see the sativa and the indica growing around it. It's like a hybrid? It's fucking beautiful. What if I tell you I have a joint of that right now? Did Ari give it to you? Huh? No, I went and got it No, you didn't Yeah, I did Go get that shit, son Do you really have some? Yeah What's it called? Max, number one OG Bring it back and spark it, kid Oh, that shit is fucking strong, bro Yeah? I had to go to the gym But I was fucked up, bro
Sounds good Dog's not low Oregon's gonna be fun Last time I went to Oregon We're gonna have a good time I went to Eugene, Oregon With Jody Ferdy And we had a Saturday night there For a one-nighter for Tribble But it was the same night That there was a convention For like the American Association Of Retarded Children I don't wanna say it wrong But it was like the children that, you know, Special Olympics. Right. And they had a lot of little retarded kids running around. So when I go to check in, I'm high as a motherfucker. And there's all these kids with balloons. And I'm just freaking because Oregon got some deep weed. You know what I'm saying? Right, right, right. We got some at the gas station. Brian, you're going to love this shit. I got a lighter. We check into the hotel and Eugene and Joe. This is not 10 or 15 of them.
This is 600 children, you know, Special Olympics, 200 retarded ones, and their parents. Whoa. So I go to my room, you know, we smoke, we do the show. the show is in the hotel but on a different part they're having a little dance you had to see this, they were all holding hands with little balloons and the disco, and it was very cute to see, but if a lot the story that a lot of people don't know is retarded guys, boys are the strongest motherfuckers in the world and they're most perverted really? oh I've heard that before like a retarded boy, they go fucking nuts if you show them your pussy so listen to me, we're in the fucking comedy club and often they switch it at 10 o'clock they switch it and turn it into a disco And Jody's got a couple cocktails in it She started dancing She got big titties at the time And there's this little retarded boy Who breaks away from the fucking pile
§04Transcript · 21:18
And goes into the dance And he starts to look at Jody And you can see Joe Rogan That he's losing his fucking mind Oh no And finally he goes over on the dance And starts dancing with him And he starts to dance with him And he starts grinding with him And Jody thinks it's cute And all of a sudden They come in and they're like There he is There's little David And they come to grab him And David fucking snaps like one of those fucking gorillas in the zoo. Right now, they had three black doormen that were trying to tackle Little Timmy. Little Timmy was throwing them around like Brock Lesnar throwing around fucking John Fitch. Just picked the whole offensive line of the Giants. Couldn't have held his little retard down. Three fucking black gorillas, and he's just pushing them. Ah, dee-dee-dee. Ah, dee-dee-dee. Ah, na, na, na, na. He's seen those titties. He went fucking apeshit.
He's pushing them. The counselors came. They had to throw him on the fucking floor and put his hand. Ah, na, na, na. No, no, no. He seen them titties. He went fucking ate shit, dog. Whoa. Those little tarts go fucking bananas when you show them. Those little what? Tarts. And it was just titty. Can you imagine if it was the monkey, he would have jumped. Bro, this is the University of Eugene. These are big black football players. They couldn't control this little 12-year-old. He was banging them, throwing them around like nothing. He was only 12? 12 or 13, just throwing these fucking black guys around. That's craziness. And I'll never forget that, that they had to put them on the floor, Handcuff him Shoot him Tranquilize him This little fucking Poor kid seen titties And he went fucking Bananas Bananas That's crazy I wonder if they're just Doing what everybody Wants to do
But just doesn't have The balls They don't have the walls To break down Yeah You know what I mean Yeah I wonder if that's what People like Instinctively want to do Right You think like You're born that way Yeah Retards can't be like Extra more horny Right No They're probably not Extra horny Alright put that fan on him I'm sweating like Joe Rogan's house without the electricity You know what I'm saying? You're killing me here Bro, this kid went Fucking bananas, he ripped his shirt That's scary, because you can't even beat them up What do you do? You can't drop a bomb But the funny thing was that they built like a wall At first and they threw him out First they asked him to leave and he was like The black guy's got shoulder to shoulder And he was grabbing their shoulders Whoa I mean it was fucking scary They don't know they look bad You know That's one of the weird things
About people that are retarded Or down syndrome Or whatever They don't seem to know You know They just kind of are They just behave They don't They're like God why am I so fucking stupid And you're so smart No they're not like that They're just themselves You know what I mean It's like That must be a strange Strange existence Where you know That's part of being dumb Is that you're too dumb To realize you're dumb You know And if you I'm not saying dumb Like they're lazy Like they have an issue There's a mental issue Mental imbalance Whatever the fuck it is. But I mean, they're impaired. But they're so impaired, they don't know they're impaired. Like, they've lost the ability to see that they're impaired. You know? What a strange thing, man. What if they all have an inner voice that's completely normal, like, but they can't take A to B? Like, you know what I mean?
So the whole time, they're just like, I can't believe how much they treat me so horrible. And I wish I, you know, but they can't. When they try to say it, it's like... Well, there's probably a lot of that. I think there's a bunch of different types of being fucked up. For sure, there's that, too. It's not just simple as, there's varying degrees. Yeah, there's varying degrees along the way. It's a fucking crazy thing, man, to have your mind impaired. And look, our minds are impaired in comparison. I was watching this fucking 12-year-old kid, this autistic kid with 170 IQ, doing his take on the theory of relativity, and he's writing out equations on this fucking window. And I'm watching this kid, I'm like, this kid might as well be a fucking alien. All right? I don't know what he's doing. I have no idea. He's explaining this like this is all simple, simple shit.
When this is so far beyond my capacity. To him, to this autistic kid, I'm retarded. Okay? I am this guy who he has to humor because I can't understand a fucking word, a letter, a single part of his equation. I don't know what's going on up there. It's chaos to me. But to him, it's so clear. It's a language It's like well quite simply You have to move this And this becomes X equals Y equals two We are the retards to that kid You know maybe like Maybe like you know People with Down syndrome They feel bad when people Don't have Down syndrome Maybe it's just like us We feel bad when people Have autism Right Like oh this poor kid's Got autism man He can't engage in all the Normal emotional things That we do Meanwhile this motherfucker Is you know counting To a billion in his head While he's talking to you About how a television Is constructed You know maybe
we're retards to them. Maybe, you know, they look at us and they go, these poor fucks. They can't even do math in their head. They can't see through walls. They can't read people's minds. You know? But some people are just... I had a kid in the 8th grade. His name was Michael Allegretta. Sicilian kid. He had been fresh off the boat in the fucking 6th grade. By the 8th grade, this motherfucker spoke three languages. Oh my God. All that Sicilian shit. He picked up Spanish and he picked up English, and I used to just sit and look at him in awe. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, he was such a cool motherfucker that I just wanted to hang with him. He was so, and he was a nerd. We used to play, when we used to play hockey, we hit him in the chins with the hockey stick, and he'd go, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. So I would die a laugh.
He was an immigrant to the back. He was my dog, Michael Allegretta. That's hilarious. But this kid knew nothing when he came off a boat January in the sixth grade. By the eighth grade, he knew three fucking languages. He would talk to me in Spanish, talk to you in English. like nothing and get A's. You know, some people... It's work ethic, too. Some people just, they have this insane work ethic and people that get a chance to come to America, it's so much different than being born in America. We don't have any fucking idea. You live, you know, you're living in fucking Guatemala or some shit. You know, your opportunities are fucking few and far between. You know, you're living in some place that's impoverished. You're kind of fucked, man. But when you're in America, dude, holy shit. So these guys, you know, their family gets them together. Look, we're going to move to America.
We want to have a better life. And you realize you're leaving everything behind. You're putting all your fucking ship in cargo planes. And you're all sitting together crammed in coach and, you know, eating fruit out of your mom's purse. And, you know, just hoping that when you get there, things are going to be better. And you don't know anybody there. And how scary is this? So when those motherfuckers get to school, they come out guns blazing. You know, they appreciate the fact that, holy shit, I used to live in Italy. Now here I am in the land of the free, the home of the brave. you know I'm in America and I'm in school and I'm learning English and I'm just going to go fucking crazy over here they're just so happy and Joe Rogan that's the one half of it because I didn't leave Cuba crying I woke up on 89th Street and Riverside Drive
I had all the fucking things that a rich kid would have at that age and here I was walking around this fucking city but I didn't know English and all you want to do in your heart is just fit in and you have no idea this is not trying to fit in when you're in grammar school and you should get a tattoo or long hair, all you want to know is for them not to know that you came from somewhere else. I can't describe it to you. I can't even fucking start to tell you. Like sometimes I have this anger at me, and it's because we were so lucky. We were so lucky. Any three of us could have been born one of those black kids in fucking Haiti with flies on you. Any three of us. And we have so many fucking opportunities. And sometimes I wake up in the morning, and this really hits me sometimes. I go, how fucking lucky am I that my mother came here? And here I am sitting here smoking dope.
§05Transcript · 28:50
I've got to go mug somebody. You know what I'm saying? Think about it. That's what an immigrant was like. I'm telling you, for a long time I've been writing this thing. And that's how it starts with it. I don't remember anything. I don't remember the plane ride from Cube. I remember nothing. All I remember is crossing the fucking street on 89th and Broadway up to PS1, C66, and thinking to myself, finally, I'm going to be a fucking American. What does that mean? Looking at that flag and really believing something, dog. It's not just a piece of fucking rag. Looking at that flag and going, what the fuck? Like looking at the wind, blowing that flag and going, what the fuck? That flag is the answer to all my fucking problems. That's the answer right there. But even at that age, I knew my mother was fucking crazy, so I knew I was in a full-fledged American.
But looking at that flag, when you look at that flag and you just come here, they have a scene in the beginning of Scarface when they're on the boat and they finally see land and they show the American flag and the director, whoever the guy, is brilliant enough to show, he showed it from a different angle, what that flag looks like. It's not just, we overlook that flag every fucking day. We overlook that flag. You don't know what it is to look at that flag when you first come here and to know that that's your fucking, that's your magic carpet. It's the highest ideal in the world. It's the highest ideal. That's why it's so infuriating when politicians are fucking corrupt. That's why it's so, you know, people say, you know, why do you criticize what America does overseas? Don't you love America? Yeah. If you love it, you want to tell the fucking truth about what it's doing.
If you love it, you're supposed to stand up and go, what the fuck is going on? It's like you don't love it by letting it get away with stupid shit because there's some corrupt cunts at the wheel. That doesn't mean you don't love the idea of America. I fucking love the idea of America, for sure. Always remember, we only see the one side of that flag. We never see both sides together, gentlemen. And that's the point. We only see that one side of the flag. Right now you discussed that the CIA is setting up things in Libya. What are they setting up? They're starting a war. They're starting business. They're getting things going. That's the other side of that flag that we're never able to see. We only see one side of the flag. If you put a mirror on the other side of the flag. You know what I'm saying? That's the one side of the flag that we have since we accept this side of the flag.
We've got to accept that side. Yeah, the only way this side is possible where it's easy to drive around is if they're doing all this creepy shit. Unless we bring the whole world together in on everything. and that's just not going to happen. And we've done creepy fucking shit as Americans. And they're going to do creepy shit too. We can't trust them. You know, you can't trust people to be cool. You know, look, the natural instinct if someone can get into a position of power is to be Gaddafi. That's the natural instinct. The natural instinct is to get Botox when you're 80 and have this big stupid looking rubber face, wear goofy clothes, and just be running shit. Even though you're this old cunt, you know, living in some fucking castle with billions of dollars. Now, why is he doing that job? Can you tell me why is he doing it? Maybe we put that dude in there.
For the billions of dollars for money. That other side of that flag is money, Joe Brogan. That's what a lot of people never comprehend. But that's the reality of it. Stand-up is a beautiful thing to do. Some guys are brilliant. Some guys aren't brilliant. They're millionaires. The other fall between the cracks. The other side of the stand-up, it's a business. It really is a fucking business, guys. And it's like anything else. The other side of that flag is a business, guys. And the same way we want Social Security when we're 65, our country has to sell a couple kilos every once in a while to replenish those fucking funds. You know what I'm saying? Right. And that's a side the American public don't want to know. That's a side that included Kennedy. That's a side that Alex Jones talks about. Whether it's true or not, that's a side we're not supposed to see.
We're supposed to be focused on the other side, on what that machine is supposed to mean to us. And for guys like you and I, I like looking behind the curtain, but I don't. I don't because I grew up in a corrupt hometown. I've seen what politics is at a minute level. I can't even dream of what it is at a national fucking level when I'm taking political contributions, but I'm going to pass your fucking bill so you can pass that law that will make people's hands grow back, but they're also going to give them cancer in the eyeballs. That's part of it. It grows. I grew up in it when it was in a micro process. Now the national level of corruption is in a macro process, and it starts with little things and townships. Isn't macro smaller than micro? Yeah, micro, macro. I'm a little high. I'm sorry, guys. But you understand my point. I know exactly what you're saying, yeah.
It's very interesting. Corruption, if not checked, grows. It all just keeps getting bigger. It's not like they go, hey, we've got to cut the shit. I know we've been making millions of dollars on the sneak tip, but everybody's got to stop right now, and I'm not kidding. Okay, why are you still making money? These WikiLeaks things are pretty cool for the country, I think, in general. That's why these assholes want to put that guy in jail. They want to say he compromises American security. No, it doesn't. He did exactly what the New York Times was supposed to do if they got that information. They should have done that on Twitter, though. Can you imagine if there was just like this Twitter address that everyone followed? Well, they have a WikiLeaks Twitter. By the way, JFK, here's pictures of JAK selling cocaine, too. Dude, WikiLeaks has a Twitter. Really? They do the same thing on Twitter?
They release shit on the Twitter. They released an article about how different parts of the American economy are influenced by genetically modified foods and how we are trying to force them on other countries. And we're fucking with other countries if they don't go into the genetically modified food. if they don't start growing Monsanto corn and shit like that. These giant companies are way too embedded into the political system. They're not doing stuff for the greater good of people. They're doing stuff for the profitability of giant corporations that moved them into position in the first place. The whole thing has been corrupted. To sit down and pretend that it's real is insulting. It's like a stupid argument. It's like people argue about pro wrestling. It's like, what are you arguing about? This is a fake nonsense process.
If you can't notice that from Obama, Obama's going to pull all the troops out of Afghanistan. Oh, he's not. Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, and then he sent 30,000 more fucking troops to Afghanistan. I mean, come on, man. Thank you. Look at all the shit that he's done to allow these cunts to get away with stealing all that fucking money and that bailout. I watched that Inside Job movie. Dude, that shit is disgusting. It's disgusting how deep the corruption is in the whole financial sector. It's scary, dude. They have the people that are regulators eventually get jobs with the banks. Like, how the fuck? You're telling me you work as a guy who's working for the SEC, and you're looking into banks and corruption and shit like that, and then when you quit, you get a job with the bank? How the fuck are you not in jail? How the fuck are you not in jail?
You were the one responsible for looking over these motherfuckers while they were doing all sorts of crazy shit, betting on things failing and betting three times more than a business is worth and speculives and and and and betting again fucking forcing clients to buy shit they knew wasn't good like they did a lot of crazy creepy shit and got away with it and the only one who got popped is that bernie madoff those motherfuckers should all be in jail there should be a mass jailing and they're not they're not jailing anybody then it's bullshit then it's all bullshit it's all bullshit. You gotta hold them the most accountable you can and it's barely at all. People's dreams. People's dreams. When you steal people's dreams, that's the worst thing in the fucking world. You're 63 years old and all of a sudden somebody calls you and says you're not gonna get your money at 66
§06Transcript · 36:11
or 67. All that money you put away. That happens to those guys a lot too. It's happened to a lot of fucking people. I just watched something about a month ago people 71 getting part time fucking jobs now. 69. This fucking movie showed, I believe it was Iceland, how they went in and jacked the Icelandic economy in like a couple of years. These banks went in and just fucking just created bubbles and started making crazy money, spending in excess, and then it all failed. And people were fucked. They had like the most stable, the most normalized economy. Like it was a beautiful economy. Everything was running smooth. People were hard workers. People got shit done. They lived a life of relative prosperity Now they're fucked Everybody lost everything Everyone's pissed off I think it already has What is this bailout How do these people get money When their banks failed
They have bonuses in their contract How the fuck do you get a bonus When the bank fails The idea that you have to respect them And that they can't lose It's so corrupt It's disgusting Of the bonuses? Millions and millions of dollars. And this is from banks where we had to pay them. We gave them money, and they're giving out money. And either way, if your bank fucking fails, you can't get a bonus. You can't get a bonus. I'm sorry. Millions they get. The bank fucking failed. Do you take no personal responsibility? Like, who takes responsibility? Somebody. And shouldn't it be the guy that stands to make a bonus if the bank does well? That should be the guy who takes personal responsibility. So when the bank fucking fails, you don't get your bonus, cunt face. it's it it's that simple why why the fuck can't the president say that instead he's like we're
gonna you know limit it to half a million dollars half a million fucking dollars for a bonus when your bank fails look you want these motherfuckers are so not living in reality in most people's reality these cunts cost so many fucking people their life savings and they have to get their bonuses and the president's like well we have to give it to them what the fuck are you talking about you have to give it to them. You can't just step in and go cut the shit. Are you fucking crazy? No, you can't get $30 million after your fucking bank fails. No, in the middle of a crazy downed economy where billions of dollars from taxpayers' money has been funneled to fucking banks to keep them afloat. No, you can't get a bonus, fuckhead. You're lucky you have a job. You're lucky your head is attached to your fucking shoulders. You're lucky you're not getting 90 fucking years.
Yeah, you're lucky you're not in jail forever in Haiti. Can I ask you a question? Have you followed what's going on in the city of Bell? Bell? Where's Bell? Bell, California is a city that the fucking guys just jacked them what happened? like the fuck you gotta get up early in the morning for this cause they're talking about like KTLA it's a city here of Bell off the 605 or something and all the mayor everybody it was as corrupt as can be they had been jacking millions so if it's at that city of Bell if the corruption is that deep the cops were having ticket contests really? oh this is everyday on the news they come up with more shit the guy just got re-indicted. This is old school Jersey shit. Really? Where's Bell? Bell, California. I think like 30 minutes from here. Really? Yeah, 30, 45 minutes from here. It's close.
They've just been having this shit in there lately. It's a shit storm. They were all stealing. All five guys were stealing big pools. I don't understand how they feel like no one's going to get caught. It's like Goodfellas. Remember Goodfellas and Robert De Niro had to start killing people because they were spending too much money? that's the same goddamn thing man that was a great scene wasn't it where you realize the guy came in his wife had a fucking beautiful fur coat on it's like what the fuck are you doing and then they have to kill this guy and then there's photos of him and his wife shot in the car what a great goddamn movie that was that movie was on the other night and I walked in the park with her at the mother's house and they're borrowing the knife but you gotta think of that whole scene they're borrowing a knife to stab this guy in the car meanwhile while they're eating
the guy's in the trunk of the fucking car They're eating like it's the 4th of July. They're eating eggs and bread and fucking telling stories. Remember the painting? Yeah. Three dogs. What do you want from me? That is such a sick fucking movie right there. It's a great movie. What do you want from me? There's not that many of those. There's very few of those that ever get that good. There's very few movies that ever hit that. That's like a perfect movie. Goodfellas is like a perfect fucking movie. Everything about it. Especially when you see it 20 years later. When she was screaming at Ray Liotta and he starts laughing and runs away because he's gacked out of his fucking mind. She's screaming at him and he's laughing. Remember when they were packaging up the coke and his girlfriend was getting pissed off? You know, because he's got her just fucking making coke for him now.
He was banging her on the side, still with his wife, and he's got her packaging coke for him and then, you know, he leaves laughing and she fucking throws the coke at the door. You remember that shit? Here's the craziest thing ever. I gotta tell you. Great goddamn movie. Here's the craziest thing ever. when he gets to that scene and I did coke for 30 years when he gets to that scene and he snorts and he pops his head up and his eyes dilate right in front of the camera that scene is where I turn the movie off really? it bothers me to no end you know why it bothers me? because he steals it he taps into the coke when he's standing there with his arms watch it again when she's weighing it and he's standing there with his arms folded how many times have you seen him with my arms folded? that means your potential energy you're ready to explode
You can't even take watching that, fill that fucking envelope. When he sees the fucking, the helicopter and you know it's behind you, the chitter-chatter they have, that's paranoid talk. Why can't we go to your mother's house when they drop the guns off? Can you imagine, Joe? Why can't we go to your mother's house and drop off guns? They had this chitter-chat when he gets out of jail and he's fiending for the coke. And he comes home and he's trying to tell her that he wants it for money. He wants to get high. I've been there. Karen. Karen what'd you do That was all we had Karen That whole chit-chat Look at how high they were He just passes out That's so perfect That was all we had That's all we had $60,000 in a fucking thing he had In the ceiling Great fucking movie that was When he's looking up at the helicopters And he's driving Yes when he was in the car And he thought it was over
and he's getting rid of guns, right? Wasn't he? Yeah. You have no idea what it is to get coked up in this little room and look out that window all night by the blonde and there's like, there's like, there'll be a, what do you call those things? A fire hydrant? Uh-huh. But in your mind, it becomes a dog. Could you imagine if you got like Osama bin Laden coked up? Could you imagine if you got someone like Gaddafi coked up right now? How paranoid he would be? They just go fucking nuts. He probably does it. You think he does coked? Of course, you're a fucking terrorist. You're probably fucking hookers. Well, Gaddafi's not a terrorist. He's a dictator. Or, I mean, let me know something. He's, but, I mean, yeah, he's the same thing. He's a bad person. Enemy. Bad person. There was a guy called Carlos something that was part of the Medellin cartel in the 80s. Bad motherfucker.
The one that was in charge of bringing up all the blow. He got so crazy. Not Nadir? Carlos, yeah. What's his last name? Was it Nadir? Carlos Nadir? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, he was the one that did blow about it. I might have made that up. Blow was the guy on the island that he went to visit, Johnny Depp, the guy with the blue eyes, who had the machine guns and shit. Well, this guy, his name is Carlos Laidere. Yes, it is Carlos. Laidere, Laidere. Carlos Laidere. Carlos Laidere got his sentence reduced. He got like 900 years knocked off his sentence. He's still got 1,400 more to do. He's the one that went to the government and said, dog, I gave Fidel envelopes face-to-face. Wow. And Carlos Laidere, how they nailed him was, he was actually getting cameras like Brian does, setting them around a room. He'd get a plate, blow, he'd sit there naked with a towel on, and just do bumps.
§07Transcript · 44:02
And every once in a while, he'd go like this. A chick would come and suck his dick, he'd smack him. He'd do more blow, and he'd just tell poetry all day. And finally, the Medellin Cartel got their hands on this, and they were like, this can't happen. Get Bush on the phone. Bush, we got something for you, right? I'll tell you exactly where he is. We're going to email the tape to you. Really? That's how it ended? Yeah, the Medellin Cartel gave him up. Really? Exactly. Yeah, because they couldn't take that. This guy was folding. He's making videos of himself naked, sweating with his eyes this big, doing blow for 24-hour pops. Fuck Charlie Sheen. This guy was naked, doing bumps, and, you know, saying, talking about La Luna, you know, stars in the mountains. And then he would go on, and the chick would come and suck his dick, and he would, like, shoot her.
And they would just shoot her on tape. And they would just keep, you'd see him pulling by her ankles, and she'd be bleeding. Fuck her. And then he'd do more blow. And I wish I was lying to you. This guy was killing people on tape, doing blow. Just sweating. Oh, my God. Not eating for days. Brilliant shit. And then one of the Medellin cartels got this, and they're like, we can't have this. Wow. They went and got him and brought him back. They still have those pictures of him on the plane next to the Marines. And he's just looking around like, what the fuck do I do? He knew exactly what he turned him in. Holy shit. You saw Cocaine Cowboys, right? Yeah. You know that woman? What's her name? Giselda? Giselda. She's out. She's back in Columbia, man. They get pictures of her in Columbia at the airport, hanging out, free. And the movie, just detail after detail, how many people she had killed.
Wow. That bitch, the godmother, I think they called her, Griselda, she made so much money. Hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars in coke money, man. She was killing people left and right. They got this guy, her hit man, who's in jail, and they interview him in jail, and he's just telling them all the different times Griselda made me kill this guy, so I had to go do some business. And I killed this guy, I had to do some business. And I said I wouldn't do that because they wanted me to do a drive-by and there was a baby in the car. Like, whoa. Those fucking Colombians, they used to shoot anything, bro. This is a picture, if you go on Daily News Archives, 1984, a Colombian family in Brooklyn got slaughtered. The room for the wake was 14 bodies and there was 12 kids. and they sat the kids down 2 to 12 and put bullets in their fucking foreheads
and the pictures just, they don't show the bodies but they show the funeral parlor and just the row of fucking bodies these Colombians and over nothing, this is in the 80s when they were shooting you over $2 just to make that point you know, you owe this fucking money we're gonna shoot you that was the big thing about them, right? the Colombians were always thought to be the most Colombian necktie, cut your fucking throat out pull your tongue out they wanted intimidation at the maximum. People are fucking savages. That's right next door to us, buddy. That's just like what's going on in Mexico. That's happening right now, in an even bigger scale. Because the Colombians, even though they were selling drugs and they were bringing drugs in, they weren't getting that much resistance from their government. You know what I mean? It was kind of corrupt. The government was part of their action.
Yeah, it was kind of corrupt. But in Mexico, it's not the same, man. Mexico, they get a lot of resistance. But it doesn't matter. They're still doing it. They're still doing it. So it's scarier, because it's more like militaristic. What's the expression in Spanish? Plomo or plata. That's the expression, bro. Silver or cash? That's a finish from the rubber guard. Plomo or plata. No, it's called either bullets or money. Which one's bullets? Plomo. Plomo is bullets? Yeah, plata is cash. Plomo or plata? They just show up at your house, put a gun down with an envelope. Blomo Plata. That should be a new rap song. Which one do you want to choose? Ploma Plata. Your call bitch. That's how they were corrupt in Colombia. Ploma. That's it. Well, I mean, this poor fucking girl who was, remember that girl was trying to be a sheriff in some town near Juarez? Remember that shit? She was 20 years old.
It was a big story because this college girl decides she's going to fucking get a job as a sheriff and try to clean up the town. Within months, this poor girl is trying to seek asylum in America because they're trying to kill her. A little slice you fucking throw. You're either in or you're out. There's no coming back. There's no no. That's a different society. This isn't... It's terrifying, man. It's terrifying shit. It's terrifying that we're not doing anything about it, but yet we're fucking around in Libya. Hey, bro, 1984, December 12th of 1984, I was minding my business. I was minding my business in Snowmass Village. I didn't know nothing about nothing. And I was just snorting coke and going to school at night. And I just had an electrician's job. And I heard this baboom. And I didn't know what happened. I just went to bed.
The next day, they were telling me a story about this drug dealer named Stephen Graybo. He got in a fucking car, went to start it up. And they put a bomb under his fucking car in Aspen, Colorado. Damn. Some white dude. And I asked around in the papers. He was about to go on trial for tax evasion. He was a Jewish guy that was in with the Columbia.