Joey Diaz (Part 2)

00:00Get out of Orange County. It'll be the fucking road war again when they killed everybody. It'll be fucking crazy. You don't want to be here. You want to be in the mountains in Montana. Yeah. Montana. Now you're talking to me. Not even Colorado anymore. There's too many fucking momos in Colorado. The fucking money came in. The fake fucking money and bought the hillbillies out. The real motherfuckers that you needed in case shit went down. You got to go to like Woody Creek to find those people, right? No, Woody Creek, that's still fucking amateurs too. Really? A bunch of fucking boozers up there. Really? You gotta go deep, deep in the mountains of Gunnison and shit like that. Gunderson? Gunderson. Brian, you got your volume on. We're echoing. Gunderson. Gunderson? Gunderson. Where's that? That's down south. What do you think about all that shit about the Denver airport?

00:43Do you know anything about the conspiracy behind the Denver airport? What is it now? The Denver airport, first of all, they moved way more dirt than they needed to. Right. And so there's all this thought that there's some sort of subterranean tunnel system. It's all based on the end of the world. Oh, let it go. And there's shelters. They fucked up. Stapleton Airport was a brilliant airport. It was like Burbank. You could smuggle a fucking dead fucking kilo of coke in there. Nobody said nothing. And all of a sudden they came up with a bright idea. Let's fucking make an airport 90 miles farther out by Kansas so when it snows, we really get fucking buried. We have no protection. That's a bunch of cowboys, bro, making decisions. And trust me, they're too stupid to even know what a conspiracy theory is. They have a great airport The people that built it maybe

01:25But if the government was really truly behind it Like all these people think What it is is that they made an airport there But in constructing the airport They also built some sort of underground safeguard Threshold So there's got to be some kinky shit Well you know if it's close I mean that would be a move right Build an airport and then build some shelters I mean that airport is by fucking Kansas Kansas? There ain't dick out there That's what they call it It was easy man When I lived in Denver, or in Boulder, rather, it was easy to drive there. How far was the drive? Fucking hour. Nothing. Never any traffic. It used to be 25 minutes. Here's the deal, though, bro. There's no traffic out there. It don't matter. It used to be 25 minutes with no traffic, no drama. Put on some fucking tunes, crack the window a little bit. They built this monster to spend money. Yeah.

02:07They built this monster to just, you know, like when I went to fucking Newark to see the fights with you. They redid Newark. They built a soccer stadium. Right. Fucking soccer stadium in Newark. They're spending money left and right, but they still can't put in a left-hand turning signal. So if you've got to make a left, 29 fucking miles of people have to make a left. Well, they're trying to keep up their reputation as the car jack capital of the world. And if you've got some left turn signals, you've got some outliers. People can escape the drama. Fucking amazing. That's the thing about that. It's like they think there's something really going on inside that Denver airport. There's all these documentaries dedicated to it. And one of the reasons for it is because there's these crazy murals that are painted up in the Denver airport. And they're really disturbing, man.

02:54They're apocalyptic. Like one guy's got a fucking gas mask on with a giant sword. And there's like pictures of children and coffins. And there's fire in the background. Have you ever seen that shit? Yeah, but we've actually talked about it on this podcast before. We did? Yeah. But do you think that has anything to do with that? Are you putting the two together? I don't think that it does, definitely, but it's interesting. I mean, I don't have an opinion one way or another. I've listened to the people talk about how it's some great escape base, and that 2012 there's going to be fucking asteroids going to hit, that they're tracking, it's going to kill everybody except the people that are in this underground bunker. I don't know, man. I watched a TV show on those dudes, those dudes that have bought fucking condos out in these shelters, out in Death Valley and shit. Have you seen those?

03:41People have space in Death Valley And so they have like a condo Inside this underground bunker thing It's out in the middle of fucking nowhere You have to drive And you go out there And they had these shows I forget who was the host of the show But they took you on a tour Of these fucking It might have been Jesse Ventura No, it wasn't him Because they had a sense of humor But whoever it was Was like, really? And they take you on this fucking tour Of these underground bunkers That they have set up Where they can survive A fucking nuclear bomb I mean, these guys are like Half a mile deep to the fucking earth. So you survived the bomb. Now it's you and eight fucking momos looking at each other. Eight assholes. Looking at each other. Listen, just live your fucking life. These people that dig into that shit and just live your fucking life. If we get hit by a bomb, the best thing you can do

04:24is move on to the fucking next life and pray to God it'll be fucking better. You hear that Doors music? Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with people? I'm gonna live in a bunk. Can you imagine living your life consumed and what happened when the bomb drops? After 1960, those people, that shit wore off. In the 60s, they all moved into buildings with underground drops, with little fucking sandwiches. That's how Tang was fucking invented. What do you think they invented Tang for? So when we go in that fucking tunnel of doom and after the Russians fuck everybody in the ass, we come out and we got vitamin C from the fucking Tang. That's what Tang was invented for. But guess what? Our fears aren't the Russians anymore. It's a lot bigger than that. And whatever's going to hit now, right now there's a thing going on in Japan where we don't fucking know.

05:04They're lying to the people just like everything else. They're lying at 20-mile radius. That shit's horrible. that shit is horrible radiation is fucking horrible and the best is all these people are raising their hands now we have radiation in Key West don't blame it on fucking Japan don't blame it on Japan now that's not Japan's fault you guys have had radiation on your own you greasy motherfuckers down there off the coast of Florida you filthy cocksuckers now you want to blame on the poor fucking Japs walking around with fucking masks there's radiation in Florida that's primarily from coked up whores jerking guys off and creating heat in the air that fucking sperm that they put in the fucking beach They're in CSI Miami They see all these chicks Brazilians Jumping up and down With that ass That's what that fucking is Pussy Fucking nasty radiation There's something extra dirty

05:48About porn that you get From Miami You ever watch porn From Miami Cause it's almost like They're like retarded people Fucking You know what I mean And they're always Oiled up too They're oiled up And there's something about it Like you can't relate It's hard to even jerk off to We're in trouble Joe Rogan Never mind the Martians And what's going on We're in fucking trouble How in trouble This thing in Japan Is a lot worse Than what they're saying You think so Fuck yeah What makes you say this? Just know our society And they don't want to scare us Wait till those fucking Japanese Start coming out With six fucking eyes And you don't know Which one's looking at you Then they're gonna say Is that better? So you can see better? The fuck? Maybe that's 2012 That'll be our next mutation This is not good An adaptation to radiation This is not fucking good Is there any animals Besides roaches

06:27That are really good with radiation? Roaches are supposed to be The best at it, right? Yeah They can pretty much Live through everything But is that even Is that even just like a A wild's tale? Yeah I don't know Someone should do us a favor and now we know that the Japan is fucked, send a box of cockroaches over there with a webcam on it. Let's see what's up. I'm telling you, man. If you love America, go over there and do that, stupid. All that fucking water, all that soil, and they don't know what the fuck's going on. And you know what? Now, besides that, we're all spread out. We're in Libya. We're in this fucking place. Yeah, what the fuck are we doing in Libya, man? Are you fucking crazy? Are you fucking crazy? These guys are just sitting there waiting. It's like you're just waiting for us to wear out before you fuck us in the air. Yeah, why in Libya?

07:05What's that guy we've been looking for for 11 years? Something been lost. Yeah, he's just sitting there going, oh, we got him now. Let's spread out like motherfuckers. We'll just light a firecracker in Kansas. CNN breaking news. I get CNN breaking news sent to my phone? Holla. U.S. intelligence source CIA is operating inside Libya to help U.S. increase military and political understanding. What? That means somebody's about to get jacked, bitch. What kind of horse shit quote is that? Oh, the CIA is there to increase military and political understanding. No, this is what we want you to do. Do you understand? Okay, here's the political understanding. We got the bombs, bitch. Okay, we got fucking robots that we can operate from Nevada. Okay, and you don't even see them because they blend in with the sky. And they don't make any noise because they're fucking solar powered.

07:58And they can contain Hellfire missiles. Hellfire. That's what they decided to name them. Not, you know, the beautiful flower missile. or lick my asshole missile. No, Hellfire. Hellfire missiles, and they're shooting them from another fucking part of the world. Imagine the lag they have. They must have to really plan a shot in advance. It's just like playing Quake online when you've got lag if you have a 56K connection and there's some asshole you're playing against who's got a cable modem. No, he gets to move quicker than you because his downtime, his ping time between connecting to the server and back is much quicker. So you're fucked. So these guys must have super lag. Listen, dog. In 1985, we went to see Rambo 2, and that motherfucker took an arrow out on an explosive at the end. And when he shot it, all of us lost our mind. Nobody liked the black people.

08:42Black people love arrows with explosives at the end. I seen that movie on 178th Street. I never seen black people go fucking crazy in my life. When Rambo came out of the mud and his eyes opened up and choked the motherfuckers, black people went bananas. They're like yelling, we should have thought of that. What is it about black dudes that love watching martial arts? Love it. They love anything special. special like a dude doing some crazy shit like oh that motherfucker got a gun in his shoe check that shit out there's something about a dude pulls his shoe off and guns down the bad guy like oh shit no he didn't what is that what is it I mean they're just very vocal they're excited you know they the best thing about this is that was 20 years ago the shit we got now as bombs and stuff is off the charts we got a bomb that comes at you as a car that follows you to the gas station bro

09:32and while you're pumping gas, it turns into a bomb. A guy pops out and taps you on the shoulder and says goodbye. That's the shit we got. We got shit that comes to your house dressed up like a cake. Happy birthday. And when you go to blow out the candles, it just fucking blows up. We got some shit now. You know what I saw that was really crazy? They got this rover, this remote-controlled drone rover that's moving around that can jump in the air. It gets up to a fence, and I think it can go like eight or nine feet in the fucking air. and it moves up to the fence and then it just goes and flies through the air and lands on the other side. And it looks like, it basically looks like some sort of a flat box where all the electronics is with two tractor, two rubber tractor things on the side of it, I guess. And the fucking thing flies through the air. I mean, what? What's next?

10:20You know, that's the other thing that people are thinking about. A lot of the shit that's going down in Afghanistan, a lot of the shit that's going down in the Middle East period is that the CIA has got all kinds of shit going on. All kinds of little drones and explosives blowing up in convenient spots to spark anger. That's what they do. They cause a spark war. They've always done that. The bottom line of this, what do you think is really going on? They figured out, some Libyan doctor figured out a way how to grow 50 kilos of heroin in your bathtub and the United States find out. That jacked that motherfucker. Gaddafi's got an army of motherfuckers around this guy with missiles and explosives but the United States is jacking this guy. It's got something to do with H. It's got something to do with fucking why we're over there in the fucking first place. The whole nucleus of this thing.

11:05People are dying in Detroit from heroin from this fucking war. And now we're going to take over Libya. Boxes of money. Isn't it amazing how many people think you're crazy when you start talking about the fact they're in Afghanistan for heroin? People go, what are you talking about? They'll look at you like you just fucking ate a bowl of shit. They'll look at you like, oh, you're a ridiculous person. Yeah we're at war for heroin Where do you think that money's going man Where's that money going You know how much money we're talking about They're gonna ignore that You're fucking crazy We wanna take over a country so we can eat better gyros That's what you're telling me Go fuck yourself We're taking over a country so we can take over that fucking loot That's the bottom line There's all sorts of loot over there And there's all sorts of loot in Libya too Is it a fucking coincidence

11:54That for whatever reason we decide to attack Libya instead of going to Mexico and straighten out that bullshit that's right next door. But all Mexico's got is burritos. All Mexico's got burritos and hookers and donkeys and tequila. There's not a lot of shit to offer. Mexicans are getting ready, though. Mexico's got some crazy motherfuckers down there. Well, they've got to clean up their problem. They've got a big problem, and it's because of the United States. It's a big part of it. They wanted to make everything legal. They wanted to... You know, they did. Do you know that? Here's a little-known fact. Mexico has decriminalized everything. Small amounts when you're not selling it. Everything's legal now. You could get acid in Mexico. You can get mushrooms in Mexico. They decriminalized everything. Just because they had to allocate resources to fight these fucking drug lords.

12:36I mean, that's a gone country. That country's gone. That country doesn't have a government anymore. But it's right next door. Right next door. Right next door. Right next door. The fucking drug army is, it's like going to war with someone who lives in your country. It's like if we were fighting Al-Qaeda, but Al-Qaeda had billions of dollars and was way more armed, and they were living here. That's what it's like. That's what it's like being a fucking cop in Mexico. Here's the crazy thing. Mexico's coming back to get what's theirs, bitch. California and Texas. It's getting ready to rock, though. You can't take Texas. It's not going to happen. You can't take Texas. Even the Mexicans, well, they'll go around Texas and jack Wyoming. Jack Dallas, Arcana and shit. They'll give them a beat. Nah, you can't. The outskirts of Texas, they'll come out of their hunting blinds and kill you.

13:18You don't have a chance. He already lives there. Ted Nugent lives in Waco now. Yeah, you can't fuck with Texas. Yeah, fuck yeah, he does. He's got a high fence. I've always admired. I think he's a retard, but I think he does a lot of things that I really agree with. And one of the things that I agree with is when he lived in Michigan, he had this badass compound. We had 2,000 acres or something like that, and it was all fenced in. And he had all these animals living inside his compound, and he would just go and jack them. And that's where he got all his food from. He got all his food from hunting on his own property. And I'm like, God damn it, that's fucking brilliant. That's how I want to live. I would love to live like that. Just eat what you hunt. Yeah. Yeah, but that's one of the reasons why I was into moving to Colorado.

13:56One of the reasons why I was up there, I was like, look, if the shit hits the fan, they're living in the woods. You know, there's a lot of animals out here, and there's spring water that comes out. Can you imagine fucking shooting a pig? Yeah. And cooking them in a fucking cave with your kids? A cave. Oof. Just giving them all fucking silverware and living in a tent with fucking heaters. If the shit ever went down and got kinky, can you imagine that? Kinky. Kinky dog. Kinky. Shit gets kinky dog in that cave with my heaters. I don't know about you motherfuckers. I'm excited about Oregon. Oregon's one of those states Oregon's one of those states That's been on the grid for years But nobody knew about it They kept it hush hush I used to get some good weed in Oregon 15 fucking years ago Yeah Bass, Ashland, Eugene, Bend Oregon's a hippie Flopping foundation over there in Bend

14:38Portland's a pretty hippie place too Very hippie place up there Girls have dirty feet Yeah, girls have dirty feet You gotta make them put socks on Fuck socks Put socks on and don't breathe in my mouth Portland was the place that I went to last year and we were trying to find the most attractive person in a Costco for like a half hour, me and the girl I was with. Oh, see, who would you fuck? Yeah, and we couldn't find anyone. That's a Costco though, dude. Go to a Costco in Burbank. You're dealing with a bunch of cripples there too. I know, but that's a packed Costco. I usually can find one string. You need to go to better places. So there's a smaller amount of people you'd want to fuck. That's okay, dude. You're going to be okay. I'll be okay. Got to live somewhere if this place falls apart. There's too many humans here. Too many Yeah but we keep on saying that

15:25But we're not doing anything about it I did I did I fucking moved man The only reason why I came back Is because Mrs. Rogan got pregnant And because the dog got eaten by a mountain mark If it wasn't for that You should have went to the suburbs then Well that's my next move man You ain't going back What are you talking about Oh it's not like I'm already talking to real estate agents Oh snap You don't know She'll let you talk all that nonsense She'll go back This is the move The move is you go and you get a summer place And you try it out and you live there for a summer. That's right. Then it becomes like, you'd be super nice while you're there. So it becomes all nostalgic, you know? So I just, every time we're there, I'll just bring home flowers and shit. And then we come back to LA and then it's all jujitsu and loud music and too much pot smoke. So LA's negative. Daddy's crazy in LA.

16:09Daddy just wants to fight and smoke pot and he's walking around naked. No. In Colorado, Daddy wants to go get ice cream and Daddy's bringing flowers home. See, you just train them, bro. Here's the problem. He's got blowing farts on her. I love you to death. I got a motherfucking deal here. Here's the problem Joe Rogan's got. Joe Rogan's got a great wife. And Joe Rogan, I went to his home last week. And that was one of the first times that Mrs. Rogan was home a couple times. And I've been up there like four times. Mrs. Rogan likes to rock the house. Mrs. Rogan don't like to sit at home. And the problem is all up where you live now, all you got to do is go down the hill. And she can get the party started. Where you put her before, motherfucker, that's a witness relocation plan. She had to drive 90 miles before she even seen a Denny's, dog. There was another 20 miles.

16:51She was from all the way up in Boulder. The first mall that she cares about is Cherry fucking Creek. You know what I'm saying? So you had her too far away. Was that Denver? Yeah, you had her too far away from the mall. Too far away from the mall? You got to keep her closer to the mall. You had her 90 fucking miles, dog. And then she slipped on the ice. You know what I loved the most living up there? My head almost blew up. What I loved the most living up there was that there was a small amount of people, man. Small amount? Boulder's only got 100,000 plus people. Not that much, man. And people are friendlier like that. There's a more relaxed vibe. And I think that shit is healthy I think there's something exciting about living in a big city Especially if you're You know you're involved in the hustle and bustle And you're really trying to make something happen What's a bustle?

17:32I don't know I can't believe you're talking to a realtor again If you got divorced you'd probably get married again after a week You dumb fuck Are you talking to a realtor again? Are you ready to talk to a realtor about that? Mrs. Brogan's gonna shut that party up You gotta figure out a way to get a fucking car for her To the mall quicker where the action's at I can do that Don't worry about this And you gotta move a little closer That was too much The next move is a little closer. And you just need to move to Texas. Texas is cool. Texas is the answer, too. I like Austin. I'm a big fan of that Austin, Texas. I'll tell you that. I'd live there. If I was going to live... More land. Still, weed is not legal there. The thing about Colorado was it's just like California. You could just go rock weed everywhere. Will Mrs. Douglas move to Austin? No. Not yet. Not yet. If shit hits the fan,

18:10anything can happen. When the shit hits the fan, then everybody gets scared. Then you start making survival choices. You can move anywhere. You can live in Kansas. You'd rather be healthy in Kansas. But the weed stores in Colorado Were just like out here bro They're everywhere There's one place in Denver Where there's fucking seven of them on a street Bing bing bing bing They're everywhere Is it easier to get a license though? Same deal I get headaches Bang Prescription son We don't want you to have a headache 20 minutes away from me When I was shooting that movie Right in the mountains They had a Nice Like a doctor Oh yeah there's a place That I used to go to in the mountains It was like a gift shop And they were doing They were struggling They were doing terrible and they were about to lose their business. And then they started selling weed in the back of the gift shop. Legal.

18:53They got a legal license. Boom, now they're balling. Now they're about to open. One place they open up in Boulder is supposedly, I don't know if it's open yet, but they were talking about it was going to be 30,000 square feet. It was going to be three floors. I don't know if they went through with it. I need to find out if they did because that's just the most ridiculous shit I've ever heard. That's a goddamn shopping mall. That's a Walmart of weed. Yeah, a Walmart of weed. But they had great spots there, man. They had great spots where you can get weed. I got some fucking weed Two days ago in Hollywood It's 31% THC level You don't even This shit ain't even necessary What kind was it again? It's Matt's OG I've been smoking Matt's since 2006 And you gotta figure that Every year it gets a little strong It's their trade weed They pay this grower I forgot to bring a bud

19:36It looks like one of the Martians From Independence Day You can see the sativa And the indica growing around it It's like a hybrid? It's fucking beautiful What if I tell you I had a joint of that right now Did I already give it to you? No, I went and got it. No, you didn't. Yeah, I did. Go get that shit, son. Not in Hollywood, you didn't. Do you really have some? Yeah. What's it called? Max, number one OG. Bring it back in's pocket, kid. Oh, that shit is fucking strong, bro. Yeah? I had to go to the gym, but I was fucked up, bro. Sounds good. Dog swap. Well, Oregon's gonna be fun. Last time I went to Oregon, I went to Eugene, Oregon with Jody Furdy, and we had a Saturday night there for a one-nighter for Tribble, but it was the same night that there was a convention for the American Association of Retarded Children.

20:13I don't want to say it wrong, but it was like the children that, you know, Special Olympics. Right. And they had a lot of little retarded kids running around. So when I go to check in, I'm high as a motherfucker. And there's all these kids with balloons. And I'm just freaking because Oregon got some deep weed. You know what I'm saying? Right, right, right. We got some at the gas station. Brian, you're going to love this shit. I got a lighter. We check into the hotel and Eugene and Joe, this is not 10 or 15 of them. This is 600 children, you know, Special Olympics, 200 retarded ones, and their parents. Whoa. So I go to my room, you know, we smoke, we do the show. The show is in the hotel, but on a different part. They're having a little dance. You had to see this. They were all holding hands with little balloons and the disco. And it was very cute to see.

20:54But the story that a lot of people don't know is retarded guys, boys, are the strongest motherfuckers in the world. And they're most perverted. Really? Oh, I've heard that before. Like a retarded boy. They go fucking nuts if you show them your pussy. Really? So listen to me. We're in the fucking comedy club. And awesome. They switch it at 10 o'clock. they switch and they turn into a disco. And Jody's got a couple cocktails in it. She starts dancing. She got big titties at the time. And there's this little retarded boy who breaks away from the fucking pile and goes into the dance and he starts to look at Jody. And you could see Joe Rogan that he's losing his fucking mind. Oh, no. And finally he goes on to dance and starts dancing with her. He starts dancing with her and he starts grinding with her. Jody thinks it's cute. And all of a sudden, they come in and they're like, there he is.

21:38There's little David. And they come to grab him And David fucking snaps like one of those fucking gorillas in the zoo. Right now, they had three black doormen that were trying to tackle little Timmy. Little Timmy was throwing them around like Brock Lesnar throwing around fucking John Fitch. Just picked the whole offensive line of the Giants. Couldn't have held his little retard down. Three fucking black gorillas. And he's just pushing them. Ah, ah, dee, dee, dee. Ah, dee, dee, dee. Ah, na, na, na, na. He's seen those titties. He went fucking apeshit. He's pushing them. The counselors came. They had to throw him on the fucking floor and put his hand. Oh, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. He seen them titties. He went fucking ate shit, dog. Whoa. Those little tarts go fucking bananas when you show them. Those little what? Tarts. And it was just titty.

22:20Can you imagine if it was the monkey who would have jumped? Bro, this is the University of Eugene. These are big black football players. They couldn't control this little 12-year-old. He was banging them, throwing them around like nothing. Get out of here. He was only 12? 12 or 13, just throwing these fucking black guys around. That's craziness. I'll never forget that, that they had to put him on the floor, handcuff him, shoot him, tranquilize him. This little fucking poor kid seen titties and he went fucking bananas. Bananas. That's crazy. I wonder if they're just doing what everybody wants to do but just doesn't have the balls. They don't have the walls to break down. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I wonder if that's what people instinctively want to do. You're born that way. Yeah. Retards can't be extra more horny, right? No. Probably not extra horny. Put that fan on him.

23:08I'm sweating like Joe Rogan's house without the electricity. You know what I'm saying? You're killing me here. Woo. Bro, this kid went fucking bananas. He ripped his shirt. That's scary. Because you can't even beat them up. What do you do? You can't drop a bomb on a fucking... But the funny thing was that they built like a wall at first, and they threw him out. First they asked him to leave, and he was like, the black guy's got shoulder to shoulder. Right. And he was grabbing their shoulders. Whoa. I mean, it was fucking scary for them. They don't know they look bad, you know? That's one of the weird things about people that are retarded or Down syndrome or whatever. They don't seem to know. They just kind of are. They just behave. They're not like, God, why am I so fucking stupid and you're so smart? No, they're not like that. They're just themselves. You know what I mean?

23:50It's like, that must be a strange, strange existence where that's part of being dumb is that you're too dumb to realize you're dumb. I'm not saying dumb like they're lazy. They have an issue. There's a mental issue. There's a mental imbalance, whatever the fuck it is. But I mean, they're impaired. But they're so impaired, they don't know they're impaired. Like, they've lost the ability to see that they're impaired. You know? What a strange thing, man. What if they all have an inner voice that's completely normal, like, but they can't take A to B? Like, you know what I mean? So the whole time, they're just like, I can't believe how much they treat me so horrible. And I wish I, you know, but they can't. When they try to say it, it's like, man, man, man. Well, there's probably a lot of that. I think there's a bunch of different types of being fucked up. For sure, there's that, too.

24:37It's not just simple as, you know, there's varying degrees. Yeah, there's varying degrees along the way that are, you know, I mean, it's a fucking crazy thing, man, to have your mind impaired. And, like, look, our minds are impaired in comparison. I was watching this fucking 12-year-old kid, this autistic kid with 170 IQ, doing his take on the theory of relativity, and he's writing out equations on this fucking window. And I'm watching this kid, I'm like, this kid might as well be a fucking alien. All right? I don't know what he's doing. I have no idea. He's explaining this like this is all simple, simple shit. When this is so far beyond my capacity. To him, to this artistic kid, I'm retarded. Okay? I am this guy who he has to humor because I can't understand a fucking word, a letter, a single part of his equation. I don't know what's going on up there. It's chaos to me.

25:27But to him, it's so clear. It's a language It's like well quite simply You have to move this And this becomes X equals Y equals two We are the retards to that kid You know maybe like Maybe like you know People with Down syndrome They feel bad when people Don't have Down syndrome Maybe it's just like us We feel bad when people Have autism Right Like oh this poor kid's Got autism man He can't engage in all the Normal emotional things That we do Meanwhile this motherfucker Is you know counting To a billion in his head While he's talking to you About how a television Is constructed You know maybe we're retards to them. Maybe, you know, they look at us and they go, these poor fucks. They can't even do math in their head. They can't see through walls. They can't read people's minds. You know? But some people are just... I had a kid in the 8th grade. His name was Michael Allegretta.

26:12Sicilian kid. He had been fresh off the boat in the fucking 6th grade. By the 8th grade, this motherfucker spoke three languages. Oh my God. Wow. He picked up Spanish and he picked up English and I used to just sit and look at him in awe. Do you know what I'm saying? Like he was such a cool motherfucker that I just wanted to hang with him. He was so, and he was a nerd. We used to play, when we used to play hockey, we hit him in the chins with the hockey stick and he'd go, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I would die all after. He was an immigrant to the back. He was my dog, Michael Allegretta. That's hilarious. But this kid knew nothing when he came off a boat January in the sixth grade. By the eighth grade, he knew three fucking languages. He would talk to me in Spanish, talk to you in English like nothing and get A's. It's work ethic too.

27:01Some people just have this insane work ethic and people that get a chance to come to America it's so much different than being born in America. We don't have any fucking idea. You're living in fucking Guatemala or some shit. Your opportunities are fucking few and far between. You're living in some place that's impoverished. You're kind of fucked, man. But when you're in America, dude, holy shit. So these guys, you know, their family gets them together. Look, we're going to move to America. We're going to have a better life. And you realize you're leaving everything behind. You're putting all your fucking ship in cargo planes. And you're all sitting together crammed in coach and, you know, eating fruit out of your mom's purse. And, you know, just hoping that when you get there, things are going to be better. And you don't know anybody there. And how scary is this?

27:43So when those motherfuckers get to school, they come out guns blazing. You know, they appreciate the fact that, holy shit, I used to live in Italy. Now here I am in the land of the free, the home of the brave. you know I'm in America and I'm in school and I'm learning English and I'm just going to go fucking crazy over here they're just so happy and Joe Rogan that's the one half of it because I didn't leave Cuba crying I woke up on 89th street and Riverside Drive I had all the fucking things that a rich kid would have at that age and here I was walking around this fucking city but I didn't know English and all you want to do in your heart is just fit in and you have no idea this is not trying to fit in when you're in grammar school and you should get a tattoo or long hair. All you want to know is for them not to know that you came from somewhere else.

28:29I can't describe it to you. I can't even fucking start to tell you. Sometimes I have this anger at me. We were so lucky. Any three of us could have been born one of those black kids in fucking Haiti with flies on you. Any three of us. We have so many fucking opportunities. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and this really hits me sometimes. I go, how fucking lucky in mind that my mother came here. And here I am sitting here smoking dope. I gotta go mug somebody. You know what I'm saying? Think about it. That's what an immigrant must like. I'm telling you for a long time I've been writing this thing. And that's how it starts with it. I don't remember anything. I don't remember the plane ride from Cube. I remember nothing. All I remember is crossing the fucking street on 89th and Broadway up to PS1, C66 and thinking to myself, finally I'm gonna be a fucking American. What does that

29:19mean? Looking at that flag. and really believe in something, dog. It's not just a piece of fucking rag. Looking at that flag and going, what the fuck? Like looking at the wind, blowing that flag and going, what the fuck? That flag is the answer to all my fucking problems. That's the answer right there. But even at that age, I knew my mother was fucking crazy, so I knew I was in a full-fledged American. But looking at that flag, when you look at that flag and you just come here, they have a scene in the beginning of Scarface when they're on the boat and they finally see land and they show the American flag and the director, whoever the guy, is brilliant enough to show, he showed it from a different angle what that flag looks like. It's not just, we overlook that flag every fucking day. We overlook that flag. You don't know what it is to look at that flag when you first come here

30:04and to know that that's your fucking, that's your magic carpet. It's the highest ideal in the world. It's the highest ideal. That's why it's so infuriating when politicians are fucking corrupt. That's why it's so, you know, people say, you know, why do you criticize what America does overseas? Don't you love America? Yeah. If you love it, you want to tell the fucking truth about what it's doing. You know, if you love it, you're supposed to stand up and go, what the fuck is going on? It's like, you don't love it by letting it get away with stupid shit because there's some corrupt cunts at the wheel. That's not, it doesn't mean you don't love the idea of America. I fucking love the idea of America for sure. Always remember, we only see the one side of that flag. We never see both sides together, gentlemen. And that's the point. We, we never,

30:43we only see that one side of the flag right now. you discussed that the CIA is setting up things in Libya. What are they setting up? They're starting a war. They're starting business. They're getting things going. That's the other side of that flag that we're never able to see. We only see one side of the flag. If you put a mirror on the other side of the flag. That's the one side of the flag that we have since we accept this side of the flag. We've got to accept that side. The only way this side is possible, where it's easy to drive around, is if they're doing all this creepy shit. Unless we bring the whole world together in on everything. That's just not going to happen. And we've done creepy fucking shit as Americans. And they're going to do creepy shit too? We can't trust them. You know, you can't trust people to be cool. You know, look, the natural instinct,

31:24if someone can get into a position of power, is to be Gaddafi. That's the natural instinct. The natural instinct is to get Botox when you're 80 and have this big stupid looking rubber face, wear goofy clothes, and just be running shit. Even though you're this old cunt, you know, living in some fucking castle with billions of dollars. Now, why is he doing that job? Can you tell me why is he doing it? Maybe we put that dude in there. It's for money. The other side of that flag is money, Joe Brogan. That's what a lot of people never comprehend. But that's the reality of it. Stand-up is a beautiful thing to do. Some guys are brilliant. Some guys aren't brilliant. They're millionaires. The other four between the cracks. The other side of the stand-up, it's a business. It really is a fucking business, guys. And it's like anything else. The other side of that flag is a business, guys.

32:06And the same way we watch Social Security when we're 65, our country has to sell a couple kilos every once in a while to replenish those fucking funds. You know what I'm saying? And that's a side the American public don't want to know. That's a side that included Kennedy. That's a side that Alex Jones talks about. Whether it's true or not, that's a side we're not supposed to see. We're supposed to be focused on the other side, on what that machine is supposed to mean to us. And for guys like you and I, I like looking behind the curtain, but I don't. I don't because I grew up in a corrupt hometown. I've seen what politics is at a minute level. I can't even dream of what it is at a national fucking level when I'm taking political contributions, but I'm going to pass your fucking bill so you can pass that law that'll make people's hands grow back,

32:50but they're also going to give them cancer in the eyeballs. That's part of it. It grows. I grew up in it when it was in a micro process. Now the national level of corruption is in a macro process, and it starts with little things in townships. Isn't macro smaller than micro? Yeah, micro, macro. I'm a little high. I'm sorry, guys. but you understand my point. I know exactly what you're saying, yeah. It's very interesting. Corruption, if not checked, grows. It all just keeps getting bigger. It's not like they go, hey, we gotta cut the shit. I know we've been making millions of dollars on the sneak tip, but everybody's gotta stop right now, and I'm not kidding. Okay, why are you still making money? These WikiLeak things are pretty cool for the country, I think, in general. That's why these assholes want to put that guy in jail. They want to say it compromises American security.

33:32No, it doesn't. He did exactly what the New York Times was supposed to do if they got that information. They should have done that on Twitter, though. Can you imagine if there was just like this Twitter address that everyone followed? Well, they have a WikiLeaks Twitter. By the way, JFK, here's pictures of JAK selling cocaine, too. Dude, WikiLeaks has a Twitter. Really? They do the same shit on Twitter? They release shit on the Twitter. They released an article about how different parts of the American economy are influenced by genetically modified foods and how we are trying to force them on other countries. And we're fucking with other countries if they don't go into the genetically modified food. if they don't start growing Monsanto corn and shit like that. These giant companies are way too embedded into the political system. They're not doing stuff for the greater good of people.

34:15They're doing stuff for the profitability of giant corporations that moved them into position in the first place. The whole thing has been corrupted. To sit down and pretend that it's real is insulting. It's like a stupid argument. It's like people argue about pro wrestling. It's like, what are you arguing about? This is a fake nonsense process. If you can't notice that from Obama, Obama's going to pull all the troops out of Afghanistan. Oh, he's not. Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, and then he sent 30,000 more fucking troops to Afghanistan. I mean, come on, man. Thank you. Look at all the shit that he's done to allow these cunts to get away with stealing all that fucking money and that bailout. I watched that Inside Job movie. Dude, that shit is disgusting. It's disgusting how deep the corruption is in the whole financial sector. It's scary, dude.

35:03They have the people that are regulators eventually get jobs with the banks. Like, how the fuck? You're telling me you work as a guy who's working for the SEC, and you're looking into banks and corruption and shit like that, and then when you quit, you get a job with the bank? How the fuck are you not in jail? How the fuck are you not in jail? You were the one responsible for looking over these motherfuckers while they were doing all sorts of crazy shit, betting on things failing and betting three times more than a business is worth and speculives and and and and betting again fucking forcing clients to buy shit they knew wasn't good like they did a lot of crazy creepy shit and got away with it and the only one who got popped is that bernie madoff those motherfuckers should all be in jail there should be a mass jailing

35:51and they're not they're not jailing anybody then it's bullshit then it's all bullshit it's all bullshit. You gotta hold them the most accountable you can and it's barely at all. People's dreams. People's dreams. When you steal people's dreams, that's the worst thing in the fucking world. You're 63 years old, all of a sudden somebody calls you and says, you're not gonna get your money at 66 or 67. All that money you put away. That happens to those guys a lot, too. It's happened to a lot of fucking people. I just watched something about a month ago. People 71 getting part-time fucking jobs now. 69. This fucking movie showed, I believe it was Iceland, how they went in and jacked the Icelandic economy in like a couple of years. These banks went in and just fucking created bubbles and started making crazy money, spending in excess, and then it all failed. And people were

36:44fucked. They had like the most stable, the most normalized economy. Like it was a beautiful economy. Everything was running smooth. People were hard workers. People got shit done. They lived a life of relative prosperity Now they're fucked Everybody lost everything Everyone's pissed off I think it already has What is this bailout How do these people get money When their banks failed They have bonuses in their contract How the fuck do you get a bonus When the bank fails The idea that you have to respect them And that they can't lose It's so corrupt It's disgusting Of the bonuses? Millions and millions of dollars. And this is from banks where we had to pay them. We gave them money, and they're giving out money. And either way, if your bank fucking fails, you can't get a bonus. You can't get a bonus. I'm sorry. Millions they get. The bank fucking failed.

37:39Do you take no personal responsibility? Like, who takes responsibility? Somebody. And shouldn't it be the guy that stands to make a bonus if the bank does well? That should be the guy who takes personal responsibility. So when the bank fucking fails, you don't get your bonus, cunt face. it's it it's that simple why why the fuck can't the president say that instead he's like we're gonna you know limit it to half a million dollars half a million fucking dollars for a bonus when your bank fails but you want these motherfuckers are so not living in reality in most people's reality these cunts cost so many fucking people their life savings and they have to get their bonuses and the president's like well we have to give it to them what the fuck are you talking about you have to give it to them. You can't just step in and go cut the shit. Are you fucking crazy? No, you can't

38:25get $30 million after your fucking bank fails. No, in the middle of a crazy downed economy where billions of dollars from taxpayers' money has been funneled to fucking banks to keep them afloat. No, you can't get a bonus, fuckhead. You're lucky you have a job. You're lucky your head is attached to your fucking shoulder. You're lucky you're not getting 90 fucking years. Yeah, you're lucky you're not in jail forever in Haiti. Can I ask you a question? Have you followed what's going on in the city of Bell? Bell? Where's Bell? Bell, California is a city that the fucking guys just jacked them. What happened? You've got to get up early in the morning for this because they're talking about KTLA. It's the city here of Bell off the 605 or something. And all the mayor, everybody, it was as corrupt as can be. They had been jacking millions.

39:07So if it's at that city of Bell, if the corruption is that deep, the cops were having ticket contests. Really? Oh, this is every day on the news they come up with more shit. The guy just got re-indicted. This is old school Jersey shit Really? Where's Bell? Bell, California It's I think like Northern? 30 minutes from here South Really? Yeah, 30, 45 minutes from here It's close Yeah Wow They've just been having this shit in there lately It's a shit storm They were all stealing All five guys were stealing big pools I don't understand how they feel like no one's gonna get caught It's like Goodfellas With a paper fucking trail Remember Goodfellas and Robert De Niro How to start killing people because they're spending too much money? Yeah That's the same goddamn thing, man That was a great scene, wasn't it? Where you realize the guy came in, his wife had a fucking beautiful fur coat on.

39:53It's like, what the fuck are you doing? And then they have to kill this guy. And then there's photos of him and his wife shot in the car. What a great goddamn movie that was. That movie was on the other night. And I walked in the park with her at the mother's house. And they're borrowing the knife. But you've got to think of that whole scene. They're borrowing a knife to stab this guy in the car. Meanwhile, while they're eating, the guy's in the trunk of the fucking car. And they're eating like it's the 4th of July. Yeah. They're eating eggs and bread and fucking telling stories. Remember the pain thing? Yeah. Three dogs. What do you want from me? That is such a sick fucking movie right there. It's a great movie. What do you want from me? There's not that many of those. There's very few of those that ever get that good. There's very few movies that ever hit that.

40:36That's like a perfect movie. Goodfellas is like a perfect fucking movie. Everything about it. Especially when you see it 20 years later. When she was screaming at Ray Liotta and he starts laughing and runs away. He was gacked out of his fucking mind. She's screaming at him, and he's laughing. Remember when they were packaging up the Coke, and his girlfriend was getting pissed off? You know, because he's got her just fucking making Coke for him now. He was banging her on the side, still with his wife, and he's got her packaging Coke for him, and then, you know, he leaves laughing, and she fucking throws the Coke at the door. You remember that shit? Here's the craziest thing ever. I gotta tell you. Here's the craziest thing ever. When he gets to that scene, and I did Coke for 30 years, when he gets to that scene, and he snorts it,

41:14and he pops his head up, and his eyes dilate right in front of the camera. That scene is where I turn the movie off. Really? It bothers me to no end. You know why it bothers me? Because he steals it, though. He taps into the coke. When he's standing there with his arms, watch it again. When she's weighing it, and he's standing there with his arms folded. How many times have you seen it with my arms folded? That means your potential energy, you're ready to explode. You can't even take watching that, fill that fucking envelope. when he sees the fucking, the helicopter and you know it's behind you, the chitter-chatter they have, that's paranoid talk. Why can't we go to your mother's house when they drop the guns off? Can you imagine, Joe? Why can't we go to your mother's house and drop off guns? They had this chitter-chat when he gets out of jail and he's fiending for the coke

41:58and he comes home and he's trying to tell her that he wants it for money. He wants to get high. I've been there. Karen, what'd you do? That was all we had, Karen. That whole chinny-chat, look at how high they were. He just passes out. They just pass out. That's so perfect. Yeah, they just pass out from the fucking inside. That was all we had. Yeah, that's all we had. $60,000 in a fucking thing he had in the ceiling. What a great... The cops wouldn't have found it. Great fucking movie that was. But it's amazing. When he's looking up at the helicopters and he's driving and he's so fucking paranoid. Yes, yes. When he was in the car and he thought it was over. It's so great. And he's getting rid of guns, right, wasn't he? Yeah. You have no idea what it is to get coked up in this little room and look out that window all back by the blonde and there's like, there'll be a,

42:46what do you call those things? A fire hydrant? Uh-huh. But in your mind, it becomes a dog. Could you imagine if you got like Osama bin Laden coked up? Could you imagine if you got someone like Gaddafi coked up right now? How paranoid he would be? They just go fucking nuts. He probably does it. You think he does coke? Of course. You're a fucking terrorist. You're probably fucking fucking hookers. Well, Gaddafi's not a terrorist. he's a dictator or I mean I mean he's the same thing he's a bad person right enemy bad person there was a guy called Carlos something that was part of the Medellin cartel in the 80s bad motherfucker the one that was in charge of bringing up all the blow he got so crazy not Nadir Carlos yeah what's his last name he read it was it Nadir Carlos Nadir I don't know yeah yeah he was the one that did blow about I might have made that up blow was the guy on the island

43:34that he went to visit Johnny Depp the guy with the blue eyes right who had the machine guns and shit. Well, this guy, his name is Carlo Laidere. Yes, it is Carlo. Laidere, Laidere. Carlos Laidere. Carlos Laidere got his sentence reduced. He got like 900 years knocked off his sentence. He still got 1,400 more to do. He's the one that went to the government and said, dog, I gave Fidel envelopes face-to-face. Wow. And Carlos Laidere, how they nailed him was, he was actually getting cameras like Brian does, setting him around a room. He'd get a plate, blow. He'd sit there naked with his towel on and just do bumps. and every once in a while he'd go like this, a chick would come and suck his dick, he'd smack him. He'd do more blow, and he'd just tell poetry all day. And finally, the Medellin Cartel got their hands on this, and they were like, this can't happen. Get Bush on the phone.

44:21Bush, we got something for you, right? I'll tell you exactly where he is. We're going to email the tape to you. Really? That's how it ended? Yeah, the Medellin Cartel gave him up. Really? Exactly, yeah, because they couldn't take that. This guy was folding. He's making videos of himself naked, sweating with his eyes this big, doing blow for 24-hour pops. Fuck Charlie Sheen. This guy was naked, doing bumps, and, you know, saying, talking about La Luna, you know, stars in the mountains. And then he would go all night, and the chick would come and suck his dick, and he would like, shoot her. And they would just shoot her on tape, and they would just keep, you'd see him pulled up by her ankles, and she'd be bleeding. Fuck her. And then he'd do more blow, and I wish I was lying to you. This guy was killing people on tape, doing blowers, just sweating, not eating for days. Brilliant shit.

45:10And then one of the Medellin cartels got this, and they're like, we can't have this. Wow. They went and got him and brought him back. They still have those pictures of him on the plane next to the Marines. And he's just looking around like, what the fuck do I do? He knew exactly what he turned him in. Holy shit. You saw Cocaine Cowboys, right? Yeah. You know that woman? What's her name? Giselda? Giselda. She's out. She's back in Columbia, man. They get pictures of her in Columbia at the airport, hanging out, free. And the movie, just detail after detail, how many people she had killed. Wow. That bitch, the godmother, I think they called her, Griselda, she made so much money, hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars in coke money, man. She was killing people left and right. They got this guy, her hit man, who's in jail, and they interview him in jail,

45:57and he's just telling him all the different times Griselda made me kill this guy, so I had to go do some business. And I killed this guy. I had to do some business. And I said I wouldn't do that because they wanted me to do a drive-by and there was a baby in the car. Like, whoa. Those fucking Colombians, they used to shoot anything, bro. This is a picture. If you go on Daily News Archives, 1984, a Colombian family in Brooklyn got slaughtered. Whoa. The room for the wake was 14 bodies and there was 12 kids. Oh, my God. And they sat the kids down, 2 to 12, and put bullets in their fucking foreheads. Oh, my God. And the pictures just, they don't show the bodies, but they show the funeral parlor and just the row of fucking bodies, these Colombians. And over nothing. This is in the 80s when they were shooting you over $2, just to make that point. You know, you owe us fucking money.

46:44We're going to shoot you. That was the big thing about them, right? The Colombians were always thought to be the most, like, Colombian necktie. They go for kids. Cut your fucking throat out, pull your tongue out. They wanted intimidation at the maximum. People are fucking savages, bro. That's right next door to us, buddy. That's just like what's going on in Mexico. That's happening right now in an even bigger scale. Because the Colombians, even though they were selling drugs and they were bringing drugs in, they weren't getting that much resistance from their government. You know what I mean? It was kind of corrupt. The government was part of their action. Yeah, it was kind of corrupt. But in Mexico, it's not the same, man. Mexico, they get a lot of resistance. But it doesn't matter. They're still doing it. They're still doing it. So it's scarier because it's more militaristic.

47:26What's the expression in Spanish? Holy blood. Plomo or plata. That's the expression, bro. Silver or cash? That's a finish from the rubber guard. Plomo or plata? No, it's called either bullets or money. Which one's bullets? Plomo. Plomo is bullets? Yeah, plata is cash. Plomo or plata? They just show up at your house, put a gun down with an envelope. Plomo or plata? That should be a new rap song. Plomo or plata. Yo, call, bitch. That's how they were corrupt in Colombia. Ploma. That's it. This poor fucking girl who was, remember that girl was trying to be a sheriff in some town near Juarez? Remember that shit? She was 20 years old. It was a big story because this college girl decides she's going to fucking get a job as a sheriff and try to clean up the town. Within months, this poor girl is trying to seek asylum in America because they're trying to kill her.

48:24A little slice you fucking threw up. They'll cut you up in little pieces. You're either in or you're out. There's no coming back. There's no, no. That's a different society. This isn't... It's terrifying, man. It's terrifying shit. It's terrifying that we're not doing anything about it, but yet we're fucking around in Libya. April 1984, December 12th of 1984, I was minding my business. I was minding my business at Snowmass Village. I didn't know nothing about nothing. I was just snorting coke and going to school at night, and I just had an electrician's job, and I heard this baboon, but I didn't know what happened. I just went to bed. The next day they were telling me a story about this drug dealer named Stephen Graybo. He got in a fucking car, went to start it up, and they put a bomb under his fucking car in Aspen, Colorado. Damn. Some white dude. And I asked around in the papers.

49:11He was about to go on trial for tax evasion. Whoa. He was a Jewish guy that was in with the Columbia.