Brian Redban (Part 1)
Guests: Brian Redban
Full transcript · Read the full conversation in order, with its original context.
§01文字稿 · 00:00 起
Start record. Start broadcast. Shazam, bitches. I think it's on. Are we live? Yeah, it's live. Hi, fuckers. We're getting a little better. 3.07 now. That's a little bit better, right? There we go. Zoom, zoom, zoom. What's happening, fuckers? Everybody can hear us? It's all good? Let's leave it sideways like that. We are live! We can leave it with a gangsta lean. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the... I don't know, what is it? The fucking ninth weekly one or something? It's not my back. We have continued. Motherfucking saga continues. Ladies and gentlemen, this is how you drink coffee, okay? Like a fucking man. See that shit right there? That's what's called a French press. You can get it at Starbucks. Starbucks? Starbucks? For like 20 bucks or something. Or, you know, at Target for like 20 bucks. That's what I was in the middle of saying. Target and Starbucks at the same time. You just grind up your coffee.
You pour it in this motherfucker. You pour the hot water. You push down the plunger. But bam, you got coffee. Yeah, it's gritty. And it's got like little pieces of stuff in it. But so what, you fucking pussy. Man up. Man up and drink your coffee. So how was Australia? Australia is the shit. If you've never been to Australia, it's fucking spectacular. It's beautiful. The people are cool as fuck. It's really bizarre, man. It's way the fuck on the other side of the world. Like, literally on the other side of the world to where it's a 19-hour time difference between Los Angeles and Australia. what's the weed laws like out there is there any the weed is not very legal there yeah but it's everywhere everybody's got weed oh really yeah yeah so because i got a text from mayhem right before we left because mayhem got there before us and he said yo this is the exact test the exact
text yo customs here is a motherfucker don't bring any weed to kangaroo island which if you know mayhem that's a that's a mayhem quote right there um so ladies and gentlemen a fucking trainer yesterday got killed by an orca did you hear about that shit no you didn't hear about that killer whale killed a trainer at sea world wow and what's amazing to me is how they haven't been killing people up to this point Could you imagine if whales, killer whales are supposed to be super intelligent. I mean, they're like as intelligent as humans. They're cousins of dolphins. And we put them in a fucking fish tank and make them do tricks for mackerels. You know, could you imagine what kind of hell that life is? And this whale had killed a homeless man that snuck into the fucking tank in 1991. And he had also, or it might be a she, I'm not sure.
he or she had also, I think it's he, had also almost drowned a trainer. Remember that video where the killer whale was playing with the person, dunking him under? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same whale? Same whale. Wow. Same whale. Yeah, so, I mean, it's not like the warning fucking signs weren't there. It's like, you know, you hear Mike Tyson punch somebody. You couldn't be shocked? What happened? Like, how'd he die? Oh, it's a woman that died. He grabbed her by the waist and just fucking ripped her up In the middle of a live show? Yep, beginning of a live show Where's the YouTube videos? Is it out? That's a good question I bet they confiscated everybody's cameras and shit as they were leaving Yeah, but you know, the SD cards are so small You'd think you'd learn to shove it up your ass or something This guy, if he was there for sure There would be a video of it One fucking thousand percent Yeah, as soon as I heard
We need everybody's cameras, SD card, up ass Save two You would have uploaded to YouTube already. Yeah, that would have already been Bluetooth to Ustream. Yeah, there's no fucking way. I mean, could you imagine what that must have looked like? You're there, and all of a sudden, he grabbed her about the waist and just started smashing her back and forth, just ragdolling her. He just had enough. He just said, that's it. That's it, motherfuckers. It's really incredible that we think it's cool to do that. And then we go and watch them, you know, it's really like zoos bum me the fuck out. We went to a zoo in Australia while we were there. And there was a cool part of it was the crocodile cage. Because I don't think that crocodile gives a fuck where it is. I think crocodiles are so dumb. I mean, they seem, their minds seem so dead.
They just lay there with their eyes closed underwater for like hours at a time where they don't have to breathe. They don't have to breathe for like an hour. so they just lay underwater and just do nothing and just sit there they don't run around and play like when you pass like the monkey cage at a zoo that shit's depressing because they don't want to be there when i was in denver there's a zoo in denver and the monkey got in his fucking cage and was howling this horrible howl and it wasn't a big cage this monkey was screaming out like a tortured soul it was like a man in prison you know let me out of here the monkey was just just screaming at the top of his lungs. And I was like, you know, this is not good. Like, this is not cool to do that. For what? So people can stare at him? I mean, that shit might have flown in the 1930s, you know, back when there was no zoos or back when there was no videos.
But we have videos now, man. You don't have to put them in a zoo, you know. But that's the only time we would ever be able to see most of those animals. That's the only thing that makes me go, well, I see the reason for a zoo because I'm not going to Africa and hunting down a white tiger. Right, but is it worth it for them to struggle just so you can stare at them? Yeah, but you don't know. It could also be like, dude, wait, I don't have to hunt my food. There's just a steak here every morning when I wake up. I could sleep. No, no. For tigers, that shit is orgasmic. To chase down an animal, chase it, move it. You ever see a cat, like if you roll a ball or a string in front of them, they can't help themselves, man. You should know that. You have cats. Right. Cats can't help it. They live for chasing shit. It's just like a guy with a hard dick lives to fuck. It's really the same thing, man.
Nature rewards them for being a good predator. And I think the same way food tastes good for us and sex feels good for us, they love to kill, man. Nature rewards them with some crazy rush of energy and endorphins when they kill something. You know, so you give them a cold plate of meat, just push an aluminum tray under the fucking cage. That's not the same. That's not fun. Guaranteed. You know, but that doesn't that the killing thing bothers me. But what really bothers me is the fucking amount of room that they have to move around. The kangaroo cage. L.A. Zoo. Definitely. The kangaroo cage was fucked up. Have you ever been to the San Diego Zoo? That's a whole. Yeah, that's a while. I was like, man, I would like to be an animal in this cage. Oh, no, we went down. There's a serious fucking delay between what we're saying and what we're saying. Is that it? Yeah, that's good. Okay. Yeah, San Diego is the shit.
The way they have it is nice. They have a big, giant-ass place. That makes sense, but that's fucking expensive. Yeah. You know? But that's how it should be. Places like the L.A. Zoo just shouldn't exist. Yeah. Because that's just wrong. You go to the L.A. Zoo, that's just depressing as fuck. But there is zoos, like the Columbus Zoo where I'm from, is one of the biggest zoos. Jack Hanna is from it. And it's nice. They may have just acres and acres and acres of land. And they, you know, I don't know if they maybe throw out some goats once in a while for the tigers or something. No, they don't do that. And they just don't talk about it? No, they don't do that. They don't ever do that. They do that in Iraq. There's a video in Iraq of they let a donkey loose. And this is how they do it every day. And the donkey is just walking around eating. and they open up the gate and these tigers come running out of the gate
and just bitch slap that donkey to the ground and fucking jack them. It's really kind of wild to see. And it's really shocking. These GIs filmed it when they were in Iraq at the zoo. It's shocking to see, but that's really the way they're supposed to eat. That's how you should do it. If you're going to feed animals, you're going to have wild animals. You should have them eat what they normally eat, man. I mean, what's with this feeding fucking snakes, frozen mice? Give them a fucking mouse, you know? I mean, that's what they're supposed to do. We're trying to enforce our own ideas of morality and predation on fucking monsters. You know what I mean? Look, a snake is a monster, dude. Tigers, that's a monster. Those are all monsters. They're natural monsters. There's a whole natural cycle of things. And to take them out of that, there was a kangaroo cage. That was the most depressing thing.
§02文字稿 · 09:24 起
Because those kangaroos were just sitting there. They didn't do shit. They just laid down. Human beings, though, could be considered monsters. So if you put somebody in prison that's a mass murderer, we're doing the same thing. We should let that mass murderer go out on his way and just murder a shitload of people. What kind of dumbass logic is that? Well, I mean, if you're saying a tiger is a tiger or whatever, a snake should kill its own prey and we should do it what... No, we're feeding them killed prey. We kill it first. That's what's the most ridiculous thing, is that we kill what they eat first so that it's not as brutal for us. Somehow or another, someone else kills it, you buy it killed, then you feed it to them. That's ridiculous. That's not a mass murderer, dude. Mass murderers are just fucked in the head. They're not killing for food as a part of a natural cycle. They're just nuts.
And then when you get a nutty person, the problem is human consciousness is so more complex, supposedly, than animal consciousness because we have the ability to alter our environment. So you can't have someone whose consciousness is haywire. Because when you have serial killers and mass murderers, what you have is someone whose consciousness has just gone off the tracks and into the woods and you have just chaos. And if a society is aware of itself, it has to realize that there's certain issues that are going to come up when you have crazy people running around killing your family and your friends. So you've got to kill them. What you're supposed to do with someone like a mass murderer, if you're absolutely convinced, that's the problem really. The problem is the court system.
The court system is so fucking corrupt, and so many times DAs and prosecutors are just trying to get a guilty verdict, and they don't give a fuck if someone is guilty or not. There's many, many, many instances where cops have framed guys that were innocent. People have gone to jail for years. It turns out through DNA evidence, they were framed. I mean, that's happened many, many, many. That's the real fucking problem. But if we could be absolutely sure that we knew that somebody was a mass murderer or a rapist or anyone with no remorse who hurt other people and could hurt someone that you care for, you've got to kill them. Why keep them around? There's too many fucking people. I mean, look, it's not like they're not going to die eventually anyway. It's not like if you don't kill them, they're going to fucking cure cancer and live forever. No, they're not going to do anything.
A mass murderer is not going to contribute to society. They're just not. Nothing good is going to come out of that. they should just line them up and like oh you need a new liver bam you're on death row there should be no like you know time period and they're going to electrocute you they should just shoot you take all the parts that they can use they can use your corneas or your livers yeah that's an interesting topic because there was a thread on the board the message board on my website uh where people were talking about organs having a memory and uh there are all these people who have gotten transplants from people. All of a sudden, they knew things they couldn't have possibly known. They had dreams of people they don't even know. You know, stuff like that. Yeah. I mean, I've heard of many things like that where people all of a sudden had cravings for certain types of foods and they had no
idea that the person... I mean, this is not just one instance. And, see, the thing is about memory. Like, we don't know where memory is stored exactly. We don't... I mean, they know an incredible amount more than the average person about the way the human body works. Much more than people knew a hundred years ago, much more than, you know, even a decade ago, but they don't know everything. There's a lot of questions, man. First of all, with the human body, your cells regenerate every seven to 10, I think it's seven years. So literally every cell in your body changes and becomes a new one. Like you are, you're a new version of you every seven to 10 years. Yes. There's, they're not the same anymore. So if that's the case, where the fuck are your memories? Because I have memories that are way more than seven years old. so where are the memories stored if you have a completely new cell
are the memories transferred back and forth between the cells when the new one is born is it born with the same memories where's the memory, where's it stored we don't fucking know the other idea is that the memories are stored in the neurons well if that's the case because the neurons are the only thing that stay the neurons you get or the neurons you get forever you don't get new ones they don't regenerate every 7 years but the heart is filled with neurons You know, it's like one of the biggest clusters of neurons in the body. It's like right up there with the brain. And I think, you know, people who have had heart transplants, I don't think it's that preposterous that they would have memories. I don't think it's that preposterous at all. I think it is. And I think that these people that say that they're having dreams and stuff, they probably would have had that same exact dream with or without it.
Why would you say that, Brian? They're talking about things they couldn't possibly have known about. People have this little girl. Have you ever had dreams of strangers? The girl gave up the exact identity and location of the man who murdered the girl who gave her the heart. Do you know that story? No, but it sounds very far-fetched. It sounds far-fetched, but it doesn't mean it's not true. There's some things that I read like that that it's kind of like to me is seeing UFOs. It's either somebody that wants attention. That's possible. That's just dumb, and they're going, no, I had my arm transplant, and now I'm having all these dreams of people I don't know. Okay, that's possible. I know, I know. It's also possible that it's real. And that's the problem with skepticism. Totally. With skepticism, when it comes to something that we don't understand, that's the problem.
You run the possibility of excluding something because it seems irrational. But the reality is we don't have enough information to decide what's rational and what's irrational. Just the idea that you have memories at all is fucking nuts. The idea that you can – how about the idea that you can change people's memories? You know, they say that especially like right after something shocking, if you start talking to someone and introducing new ideas to them, they'll re-remember the whole situation. They'll change the whole way they remember things. Like, have you ever thought of something in some way? And then you go back and you watch the video, you're like, God damn, it wasn't like that at all. Like I had a fucking, I don't trust my memory that much. I trust some things. There's some things that I know that are recorded in there forever for real. and no doubt about it. There's some things
because I've made sure that I've kept that memory. Like I've had some pretty intense experiences where I made sure like I am going to make sure that I record this one. Right. But other ones are a fucking blur, man. You know, there's a lot of them that are blurry. You know, you look back on your high school years like Jesus Christ. It's like a slideshows and I barely remember any of it. Do you remember? It's getting worse and worse. I'm actually pretty good with a lot of weird memories But then the other day I was trying to think of somebody that I actually hung out with for three years when I was a kid and don't remember his face at all. My sisters are like, you don't remember him? We hung out all the time. I remember him, but I don't have any idea what he looks like. Yeah, I've had that happen to me before for sure. That's fucking weird. It is weird. It's so weird. I wonder where all that shit goes. Up in smoke.
Why is it that someone can pull it back though? Like someone will say something and they'll go, yes! and then all of a sudden, boom, the memory blossoms in your mind. What is that? You're giving CPR to the memories? It's like they're almost dead? Yeah. It's like a branch of the tree was hit. A nerve of that memory was hit and it woke up that section of memory or whatever. Yeah, something along those lines. What is that? What the fuck is that? It's messed up. What happened? Oh, dude, you got a spider on your face. Look. Oh, shit. That's a daddy long leg. How the fuck did that get on me? Your house is a beer factor. Oh, I'm not on O.B. and Anthony this week. It's not this week. They made a mistake. I'm there March 26th, not February 26th. It's the Friday before the UFC next month. I'm in Dallas this weekend. I'm not in New York this weekend. So I'm going to be at the Addison Improv this weekend,
§03文字稿 · 17:37 起
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with my man Joey Diaz. Brian will be there as well. If we get Brian drunk, we might have to talk to him to go on stage. Brian is actually a funny comedian. He's done stand-up a couple of times. He did it in Atlanta. He did it a couple of places. You know, I was going to try to go up on stage before this weekend just in case if I get too drunk and put me on stage. But I really – it really hurts me to go back and spend three hours of my life for like five minutes in front of two people. Yeah. The open mic nights, it is a grind. People ask me questions all the time like, hey, I'm thinking about doing comedy. What's the best advice? I'm like, man, you got to be willing to put your whole life aside. You've got to be willing to, especially if you have a job during the day. You have a job during the day, man. You're nighttime. You now, that's your social life.
It's going to be stand-up comedy. You're going to be going to clubs, and you're going to be performing, and you have to do it all the time. If you don't do it all the time, you're going to forget all your material. Whatever comfort you gain on stage will be eroded very quickly. It's a goddamn long-ass grind, man. Yeah, I think if I was younger, I would totally be into it. but it's really hard to be an adult and waste that much time. It is. It is hard. You know, I did it. I started out doing stand-up when I was 21. That's when I did it, right after my 21st birthday. And I had shit going on back then, man. You know, I mean, I was doing things. I had a life, sort of. But it wasn't like I had a family or a mortgage or, you know, no obligations. Yeah, I had no internet back then. I had no obligations. you know so it wasn't it's hard when you have a girlfriend and you have a life and you have a
wife and you have children and you have a mortgage fuck man you know when i talk to dudes that are like 40 and they're thinking about doing comedy i'm like you know okay that's like saying i'm thinking about getting into brain surgery man we think about brain surgery not saying that comedy is as hard as brain surgery because it's first of all it's not as it's not as difficult to remember all the things you need to remember with brain surgery. But it is just as difficult in a way because there's no real path. I mean, you can suck as a comedian. You can't suck as a brain surgeon. You're fucking going to jail. So it's obviously a lot more discipline involved in brain surgery because you have to do it correctly. But both are equally difficult to actually fucking do. Anything in this life is difficult. If you're going to really do it, I mean, just think about it. if you started tomorrow and you wanted to be
a computer programmer, you don't know shit about computers. You're starting from scratch and you want to be a computer programmer. Fuck! Imagine the fucking work that's involved in that. A lot of reading, though. You know, it's a lot of reading. Nowadays, like, I mean, I could pretty much teach myself some programming by just looking at videos. You know how to type. You know about computers. You know a lot of shit about computers. You know a lot of shit about code. You know, to a person that has no experience whatsoever and decides, I want to take on a new career. I want to be a computer programmer. I want to code for video games. Good fucking luck, man. How about I want to create video game engines? I just, I don't know where, I want to be the next John Carmack. You're fucked, man. You're fucked. That shit will take forever. Anything that's worth doing takes fucking forever to get good at. You know?
And comedy is no different. Comedy, music is no different. You know, I often, like, look at people playing piano Or playing guitar or something like that. I go, how cool would that be to be able to just fucking jam on the guitar? I wish. But goddamn, that's a lot of fucking time. I've tried to learn that, though. It's a coordination thing for me, though, for that. That's something I think you're just born with being able to understand, be able to coordinate each finger a certain way. Well, it's also cultivation. It's also if you do things with your fingers like that early on in life, it becomes much easier as you get older. They say that the army now is using, they're using Xbox controllers for their drones because these fucking kids are so good. So used to it. Yeah. And they're encouraging people to play video games.
I mean, it's just a matter of time before they start recruiting like the baddest motherfuckers in video games. Yeah, they probably already do. Yeah. I mean, like if you could play like war games with like a keyboard and a mouse, like there's these dudes that play Quake like professionally. those motherfuckers can move that mouse cursor and put it on an object like instantaneously you know they know exactly where that cursor is going they play so much that when they move that mouse the mouse and a keyboard is way more accurate than that joystick thing the joystick thing is kind of difficult to manipulate the like the toggles and like exactly where the crosshair goes but if you have a mouse you can put a mouse if you understand like how quick you know, it all depends on, you know, everybody likes it different. Some people like high
sensitivity, some people like low sensitivity. But the bottom line is, once you get used to whatever it is, you move the mouse, the cursor goes in certain directions, they can put it like exactly where they want to instantly. So it's not like when you're in a helicopter and you see the insurgents, you gotta move the crosshairs and get them in line, we have them in line, we have them in line. No, it's bang. I mean, they could do it so fucking quick. I mean, that would be some crazy shit if you could have drones and have like that guy fatality you know fatality is yeah yeah he's like the baddest motherfucking quake player ever this dude is just ridiculously accurate with his mouth and a cool guy too i met him very nice guy but if you've got that guy playing for your army and you had drones with missiles in it from that fucking guy holy shit you know yeah that's
the future man welcome to the new world it's pretty crazy how how video games have exploded from something that used to be like little ping pongs. Now people have amazing video games on their phones. Yeah, it's incredible, man. Just look at what you can do with your iPhone, playing all these different racing games and shit. We're working on the new UFC fight game. Fuck, it's amazing, man. When you watch some of the graphics and shit, like they dive for knee bars, they get triangles, they throw head kicks and punches, flying knees and shit. You see all this crazy shit, all these different techniques they can do, just like in real fighting. And it's like, it's so close to being like a video that you, like an actual UFC fight that you can manipulate. You know, the limit is in the controller, I think. What eventually is going to happen is you're going to have a goddamn suit on.
You're going to have a fucking suit on. Or you're just going to have this little wire plugged in on your forehead and you're just going to think. That could happen, but Microsoft is very close to developing the whole system where you interact with the game. What's it called? Natal. It comes out, like, I think November, or it might have got pushed back. Spell it. N-A-T-A-L. Natal. And it's pretty much just like a camera or something that sits on top of your TV. And then... It reads your emotions. It reads your emotions. Yeah. That's incredible, because that's going to be fucking cool. Imagine having, like, a UFC game where you could learn how to fight without actually fighting. Yeah, but my problem with that whole thing is I think maybe if I was a kid I would have loved it. But when I'm playing a video game, like, I don't want to have to be doing this shit. Well, you say that. You say that.
No, because I'm doing it with Wii right now. Nintendo Wii. Yeah, but Wii is whack. It's this little thing, and you're playing ping pong, and it sort of moves the way you want it to. I did a Wii car game once, and I was like, this is not specific at all. It's not rewarding. Yeah, but it's something about having to get up. Oh, you're a lazy fuck. That's what you're trying to say. Yeah, if I was a kid, it might have been better. But nowadays, I want to play a video game, and I just want to sit there and smoke weed. But that's dependent on the graphics. What if the graphics were like 3D fucking super dope virtual reality type shit and you had a virtual gun and you're running down a hallway shooting at all kinds of shit. Like you have a gun in your hand and it reads this gun. Come on, man. That would be the shit.
§04文字稿 · 25:39 起
And the actual running that you take place, like maybe that would be the shit if you had a fucking warehouse, like a virtual reality warehouse. Like you enter into the door, you put on this helmet and it's just a flat ass warehouse. Like laser tag. Yeah. but complete 3D virtual reality and if you get close to the walls like a little light goes on you are getting close to the wall please turn right come on man I've just gotten to a point where this Nintendo Wii shit just drives me crazy the Wii is boring man the Wii is like playing pool but there's no pool cue you're just going like there's no feedback you need feedback man I want to click a button and see a gun go off. You know, I want to click the mouse button and see the rocket, you know, take off. Right. This whole moving your arm through the air, that's fucking weak. Yeah. That's stupid. There's a, I forget what it was. They just said the other day that in the future
that they're going to use like Google Maps and like Street View of Google Maps and you're going to be playing video games of like your street. That's nuts. You're going around in your house. That's nuts. You know what I mean? You should be able to find out if someone is playing like fucking Doom on your street and blown up your house. Right. You should be like, yeah. Yeah, she's like, hey, just want you to know. They should send you an email. It should be like The Sims where it's like your house is the house in the video game. And so if you try to break into your house, they're trying to break into your house. Never mind. Everyone should have their own house in the video game. Yeah, that would be kind of cool. That would be cool, right? But then you would know where everybody lives. Everyone lives. Unless you killed them. Ooh. If you kill them in the video game then they don't have access to you? Is that what it would be?
Well, for like 24 hours or something like that and you can run away. I'm kind of shocked that virtual reality kind of hit like a... The technology never really developed the way I thought it was going to. Like, you know, you heard about that shit like way back in the 80s. And I thought, wow. Like, there was movies based on that. And I was like, I felt like, wow. Remember like, well, sort of. Cloth and Dagger? I don't remember what movie. Remember Total Recall where they fucking make you a dream, right? Yeah. That shit's coming. It's a Total Recall. What was the one with the shit with the red hair and... Not Total Recall. They've already been able to take images and implant them in people's minds. And they've been able to read images from people's minds. Like, read what you're thinking about. Like, you can look at something and the computer, like, there's some sort of sensors that they hook up to your brain.
And then it sends the image to a computer. And it can tell what you're fucking looking at. Like, that's nuts, man. Because eventually, I mean, this is in very rudimentary stages of technology where they can only pick out shapes and shit. but eventually they're gonna be able to fucking see what you're seeing yeah that's the element is that what it was yeah you get the red hair and fifth element is that the Bruce Willis movie yeah and it had like memories that movie was dope they plugged like memories in your head that was how badass was Chris Tucker in that movie remember who was that crazy alien remember Lawnmower Man that was a good movie too that was another nutty movie about a retard that went crazy right right put a computer in his brain right something right yeah another Stephen King book Stephen King oh no it was Strange Days was it? Strange Days was another virtual reality something crazy ass I think it was Strange Days
that was an awesome movie Strange Days this guy right here just said that I can't wait for Strange Days to become true that's what it was it was Strange Days yeah that was the one with Angela Bassett right? yeah she would forever be Tina Turner sorry you're not allowed to do any other movies I don't give a fuck you're Tina Turner um what was I gonna say oh this fucking Miss Beverly Hills. Did you hear about this? Yeah. Another one of these beauty pageant chicks came out saying that she doesn't believe that gays should be married. And she quoted Leviticus in the Old Testament saying that the Bible says that, it's some stupid quote, like, any man who lays down with a man as if, you know, the same way he lays down with a woman, it's an abomination and should be put to death. So she came out and said that gays should be put to death. I love it. Look, she's
Resupporting the Old Testament, which, by the way, I mean, whatever you fucking want to believe about religion, that's all well and good. Who knows if God is real? Who knows? I mean, it could be that the Bible was completely ridiculous because God wants things confusing. Who knows? But it gets to a certain point where you read certain things and you've got to go, all right, people are full of shit. And there was no internet back then. It's not like there was a copy of the Bible on Wikipedia and people kept altering it, but everybody was like, no, that's not what it says. And they went back and changed it. The Old Testament, they didn't even write that fucking thing down for like a thousand years. It was just stories. And the idea that those stories, you can't tell. I can't tell a story to him and he tells it to his girlfriend and his girlfriend writes it in her blog and it's the same story.
It'll be fucked up for sure. I can't tell you how many times like someone has gone to one of my gigs and I've said something and then a guy like will quote on Twitter like, oh, dude, that was so funny last night when you said this about that. I'm like, damn, I didn't say that. Like you're saying something fucked up. What I said was a lot nicer, you know, but when when you realize like that memories are so fucking there's no way there's no way you can be that accurate over a thousand years of people talking about it. And then on top of it, the original, the Old Testament Bible was written in ancient Hebrew. And to this day, they only know three out of four words in ancient Hebrew. 25% of the words, they don't have a clue as to what they mean. Not only that, letters and numbers were the same thing back then. There were no numbers. So the letter A was also the number one.
So there was like numerical value in words. Like the word love and the word God, they have the same numerical value in ancient Hebrew. But as soon as they translated that to Latin and to Greek, that shit was all gone. That shit was all lost. So for this dumb bitch to sit and think that God wants people to put to death that they're gay. Miss Beverly Hills. This is a new one. New Miss California. And California is supposed to be so liberal. It ain't Miss Texas. Do you know who Carrie Ann Panshee is? Or whatever her name is. She's from Celebrity Rehab. Panish. Panish. She was the one that had the threesome with the guy from Grey's Anatomy. Anyways, on this show, Celebrity Rehab, you just want to strangle her. I think it's almost with these pageant people. I know a couple of these girls that do the pageants and stuff like that. They're fucked up in their head. They've been doing it all their life.
These little kids are grown up. Do you remember last time, not last time I went to Dallas, but the time before when there was that little girl pageant going on? At the hotel we were staying. Yes, you remember that shit? Yeah, that was scary. That was the weirdest fucking thing ever. We're hanging out at the hotel and there's all these little girls. I mean little, like six, right? Six years old with high heels and makeup on with their hair done and jewelry and dresses. And you're like, what the fuck is going on here? That shit is an abomination. All right. That is a fucking, that is a travesty. I feel like I was doing something wrong in the elevator because I was in the elevator with two of them. and I looked at her and I'm like, oh my God, you don't want to look at her. It's like if they were naked fingering themselves in front of you. Something's not right there. Sometimes my daughter
§05文字稿 · 33:09 起
will play with her pussy. Just, I don't know, I don't want to say this. It's true. I mean, you would too if you had one. But the other day she was lying there and she had her little feet up in the air and she's rocking back and forth and she's just, two hands, just grabs it. You know, and I don't know what to say. Like, what do you say to that? You go, don't do that. You can't tell her not to do that. You know, you don't want to suppress her and get her crazy. Yeah, but you also don't want her to be like in kindergarten going, hey, anybody. They all do it anyway, dude. I got news for you. They all do it. Don't you remember doing weird shit with kids when you were little? Dude, I played doctor. Me and my friend played doctor with all the girls in our neighborhood. And I remember the only time I remember the most, we had three girls lined up and we were like, okay, we're going to be putting pencils in your vaginas to take off your pants. Oh, okay.
And so we took off other pants and we just went back to each one and we'd pull it out and smell it. Oh, dude. What the fuck? But we were all like five. You could give those girls lead poisoning. I know. They might be retarded now because of you. They're all on my Facebook too so hopefully they're not watching one. You should ask them all questions. Does anybody remember anything about pencils? Do you remember me putting a pencil in your car? But this beauty pageant thing that we saw at the hotel, it was dark. I mean, it was really dark because there was all these weirdo fucking religious people with their kids dressed like whores. It made no fucking sense. I mean, no sense. Because we were there on a Sunday and they were talking about church. There was all this church talk. And you got your girl dressed as a fucking prostitute. There's a six-year-old dressed as a prostitute and you're talking about church.
They had high-heeled shoes on. I mean like this high. Which the only reason why shoes have heels like that is so that women's legs look longer so that guys think about them when they're pushing these long legs back and fucking the shit out of you. That's what that's for. That long leg thing, what do you think that's there for? You're sacrificing how you can walk. How about that? Just so that men want to fuck you more than we already do, which is we want to fuck you a lot. Have you had sex with a girl that has her shoes on, like high heels? Have you ever gotten that? No, no. What is up with that, though? That's just porno stuff. That's ridiculous. I mean, I'm sure somewhere in my life, you know, somewhere I've not, you know, taken everything off. It's possible that someone would like that. But the whole – I don't like them in the first place. I hate them. I think they're ugly.
It seems to me like you're doing something stupid. Right. You know, I don't want to be – like you're getting tricked. And you don't need to do it for me. You know, like my wife always wants to wear these high heels when she leaves the house. I'm like, okay, if you want to do that, that's all good. But to me, it seems like you can't walk. Right. I'd rather you wear tennis shoes. But women love them, man. They love shoes. They love how they look. They love, it's like how dudes love cars. You know how, you know, like you see like a 69 Mustang or something like that and you go, whoa. And you like pull up to a dude. Look at that motherfucker. You know what I'm saying? Like there's something that men have. Like women can go, wow, that's a pretty car. but it's not the same as how a dude looks at a car. Well, for girls, the shoe thing is just, they really fucking love shoes, man. They like makeup and shoes.
It looks like they're the opposite sides of the body because they're so ashamed of the middle. It's like, it bleeds, it's gross. Don't look at it. Look at my feet. Look at up here. My eyes are huge. Look at my lashes. They're unnaturally long. Yeah, right? It's probably something like that. My legs are so long. They're amazing. Look how long my legs are. And where do they go to? Don't look up there. Don't look at my naughty. Well, you know, that's one thing if you're a woman. You know, if you're a grown woman, that's what you like. And, you know, what the fuck ever. Who gives a shit? You want to go pierce your balls? Go do it. Who gives a shit? But for little kids, that's not cool, man. To have a six-year-old dressed like a hooker. No, no. It's disturbing. It is disturbing. It felt very wrong. You know, and that whole JonBenet Ramsey case, man. That shit disturbs Still don't know the end of that case yet
We're gonna find out The dad's still alive I believe The mom's dead Maybe the dad's dead too Anybody know? Twitterverse Yeah Twitterverse says not cool And I agree You know Eye heels are just as much An establishment as a male's tie is Both are silly That's true That's true Ron Chizer God damn this Twitter shit goes too fast Ron Chizer Yeah, you're absolutely right. I think ties are completely ridiculous. I haven't worn a tie in a long... I did a documentary recently on DMT. And I had to wear a tie because I played a Rod Sterling-type narrator. It's a really interesting documentary on DMT. It'll be out sometime this spring. But I had to wear a tie. I had no idea how to tie this fucking thing. I had no idea. The last time I wore a tie was my first album. Grab that thing off the wall real quick. My first album in 1999, you know, just as a goof.
One of the things I always said that I love about being a comedian is that you don't have to wear a fucking tie. And so just my first CD, for whatever reason, I just thought it would be funny if I wore a tie. I don't know. It doesn't make any sense. It just looks strange. I had to wear a tie for like 10 years. Every day. Suck. Yeah. If you want to work in business, man, it's like there's an agreement. Like everyone has to know that you are willing to wear something completely ridiculous because you're following by the very obvious rules of behavior. It's going to be really easy to predict what you're doing. That's what people like. Like I'm a gentleman, you know, like as a gentleman. Well, I feel this. I'm a gentleman. We've got a tie on. Hello, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen. You know, it's like there's this like this agreement that you're not going to get too crazy. You're not going to.
It's like my Dr. Phil impression. You know, bottom of my shoes are shiny. They're very slippery. I'm not chasing after anybody. You know, it's like there's something to that. There's something to this silly outfit that you wear that's uncomfortable. Like if people started doing business and they had like rash guards on, like lycra rash guards on, like they're ready to go do jiu-jitsu and shit. You know, like why would that be bad? But it is bad. You know, you can't have like board shorts and, you know what I'm saying? Right. You know, running shoes on and you look like you're ready to fucking pounce on people. that nobody wants that in business you can't have when you go to business you have to be dressed uncomfortable your button has to be all the way up here you know it's fucking ridiculous you know i hate it i remember i used to work at this architect firm for my stepfather and this was
when i was big into acid and stuff like that so every time i would come to work i was either hung over uh still tripping on acid and you know or something like that it was such a boring job that it was acceptable because all I had to do is make copies of architect plans and stuff like that. Do you think you fucked up your brain on acid? Do you think you ever fucked up your brain on it? No. No? I think when I was doing it, I was definitely fucked up. Was there any point, you ever heard Howard Stern talk about his acid trip? No. Howard Stern talked about it on the radio and I guess he did like a giant dose of acid, like way too much. And he was like all fucked up for like a long time. Like he was hearing voices and it was just like a, like a real psychotic episode. And, um, you know, that's a really, that's the thing about psychedelics. So you got
to make sure you don't fuck around and do too much. Like Dennis McKenna had an experience like that too. Dennis McKenna with, who's Terrence McKenna's brother. They're both famous, uh, psychonauts for psychedelic pioneers in the seventies. They went to, uh, Brazil and he took like way too much mushrooms and he lost his mind for like two weeks like he couldn't communicate with people you know and the last time I did DMT I was fucking whacked out for like two solid weeks not totally you wouldn't guess if you were talking to me I was totally normal I did shows the shows went great I went to work I did fear affected that went great uh you know nothing nothing got fucked up in my but my head was like I felt very you know you feel like your consciousness is like in a foundation your consciousness is like you know like it's like
§06文字稿 · 41:34 起
boom it's solid this is me good morning you wake up in the morning hi honey kiss your girlfriend brush your teeth this is fucking solid when i did the dmt my consciousness was like a little tiny raft in a fucked up ocean right it's like you know like nothing seemed like i kept having these ideas that cars were going to come launching themselves over the boundaries and hit my car while i was driving. And I'm like, I'm like, why am I thinking this? I'm like, what is this about? And then I realized that what it was, was these, this idea of worrying about possible disasters was my ego's way of regaining ground and letting me know that it has to have a certain amount of real estate in reality. And that if you want to do crazy, crazy psychedelics and go into other dimensions, communicate with entities and and reevaluate you know your whole position in the world and
and humankind's position with each other that's all well and good but there's some real shit in the world that the ego has to be there for and the ego was like sending me a message um dude what if a fucking car launched itself out you better be fucking paying attention like there was a certain amount of of where it was such a mind-blowing experience that there was like a wrestling match going on in my head between my ego and between this new information and accepting all this new information from the psychedelic trip and incorporating it into the way I look at everyday life, you know? And like, you know, you think about someone who's like a real, like a shaman, you know, they're living in the jungle and they're all at peace in the world. They're not calling people douchebags on the internet. You know, there's a certain amount
of enlightenment that if you achieve it, it's going to make it very hard for you to function in the regular world. And I think that's one of the most important things about psychedelic trips. Like there's a lot of cripples in the psychedelic world and in the weed world too. There's a lot of people that they're, they're so into these experiences that they can't incorporate it into their everyday life. And they're almost crippled in their everyday life because of it. And no psychedelic experience is worth anything unless you can take what you've learned from it and enhance regular life. Enhance your communication with people, your relationships with people, enhance the way you look at the world, enhance your career path, the kind of friends you hang around with. Unless it can enhance you, the reality is we live in this world for eight hours a day or 12 hours a day or however long you're awake.
This world, this shit, this concrete world is real. And you have to manage your way through this. And psychedelic drugs make it very difficult to do that if you want to have a regular job. I think psychedelics, the main thing with psychedelics is it opens up a door. And like in the past, like I've been offered DMT, but I won't do it because like when I first did mushrooms, that opened up to a door of things I never thought of or saw before. And it's never going to go away. It didn't damage my head. But now that I know that exists, I know it's there. And so when acid did the same thing, but there's a point where I have to go, okay, is this door, does this door need to be open? Is this anything positive with this door being open?
And some drugs are like that for me because like salvia was the closest to the point where I was like, okay, that is a scary door that I opened up because that just pretty much made everything seem fake. Like it was like this world is fake. Everything is fake. And I know that's not true, but it opened up that door where I'm like, okay, that's almost too much of a door. I shouldn't have opened up that door. I'm never going to be able to get back that thought of not knowing that was there. I think that's pretty – we're pretty much saying the same thing. Yeah, yeah. It's like if you can't bring it back and incorporate it into your everyday life. And like sometimes you open up these doors. You're like, what the fuck am I going to do with this? Right, right. And then your everyday life is just whacked out. Some people like going back to that fake world so much though.
And that's where it gets fucking scary. Well, you know what? I think most of those people, their real world is not so hot. Right. You know? And that's one of the reasons why. It becomes an escape, you know? And I don't think it should be an escape. I don't think you should ever escape reality. You're here. This is life. You know? Life can be a magical, fucking intense, fantastic experience if you manage it correctly. But if you just want to escape all the time, I've got to think that you're probably fucking up in this life. And that's imbalanced. The people that always want to go. It's like the same thing with video games. Remember I told you about this dude? There was this dude who used to be the manager at the comedy store that was addicted to EverQuest. Just completely addicted. 8, 10, 12 hours a day. Lost everything. lost his job, lost his life. He just was so pale. You would see him, he was so pale.
Looked like he never saw sunlight. Like he would order in food and never leave the fucking house for days. And he came down to the comedy store one night and he goes, it's so weird. I'm so good at making money in my online life and so bad in my real life. He was starting to realize that he's a fucking loser in this life because he's excited and puts all of his passion and energy into this other life. But that's just really because this other life is a new and exciting thing, you know, a new and artificial thing. And he can control it from his computer without dealing with emotions and dealing with all the, you know, the fears and anxieties that the real world presents. But the reality is, if we live life in a computer screen, and we were offered the real world as a video game, the real world would be so much more fantastic. You know, we just
don't think of it as being fantastic because we're so goddamn used to it. You know, if we lived life in a computer, in a computer monitor, and that's how you were when you were born. And then one day someone said, you know, Hey, we've developed this new game that allows you to go outside and you go outside and you actually get laid and you can go and have a real drink and you feel it. You do a real shot of Jack 10. It was like, Oh, holy shit. This is real. I can't believe it. You know, you'd go get laid for real and you drive a car for real. You'd be like, dude, the real world is the fucking And shit, you would never want to play video games. The reason why we want to play video games is because it's a world that we can control completely independent from all the pros and cons of this solid world.
Completely independent of the emotions and the insecurities and all the shit that we all experience but we don't like. But the reason why we experience insecurities and anxiety and anger, these are all like little chemical signals to guide you towards a proper life. Like what I found in life, most importantly, more than anything, is the one, the way that I'm the most happiest is if I'm putting out positive energy. I'm putting out positive energy to people, to friends, positive energy on stage, positive energy with my writing, my work, with anything I'm doing. It's all friendly and positive and happy. And if you do that, you know, you can have a fucking fantastic life. The problem is it's just difficult to do. It's hard to keep your shit together. It's hard not to lose your temper. It's hard not to, you know, be obsessed with something and get sidetracked.
And that's what, like, gambling addictions and masturbation addictions and all that shit, that's what that's all about. It's like you're trying to distract yourselves from all the pain of being a human, you know? I mean, I think fucking Hunter S. Thompson had a quote like that, like, man making himself a beast to get away from the pain of being a man. I forget exactly what the quote was. but something along those lines like we distract the shit of ourselves because the game of life is fucking hard to do man just like a video game is hard to do you know you remember like back when i used to play quake like all the time i played quake like hours and hours a day and you and i played quake online we played against each other and like you can tell the difference between someone who's playing all the time because you you you get really good at it
§07文字稿 · 49:17 起
you know you know where the rockets are gonna go and i was sticking rail guns up your ass and Yeah, I think you won 120 games and I won one. Yeah, it's totally not fair. And believe me, there's dudes online that would do that to me, just rape me. Why? Because they had put so much time into this fucking crazy game, they would get good at it. But since you hadn't put time, how frustrating was it? So fucking... Oh, zero fun. So you didn't want to play, right? You wanted to shut it off. That's exactly the same as life. If you get good at life of the game, then it's fun as fuck. It's awesome. You know, if you're Leonardo DiCaprio, life must be the shit. You know what I'm saying? He's starring in movies, driving a Ferrari, banging supermodels. What? He's got a gigantic fucking mansion. I mean, he's a movie. It must be so fun for him. But not everybody can be Leonardo DiCaprio.
So if you're the fucking garbage man who's, you know, came home and his wife is fucking the newspaper guy, you know, that's not a fun life. That's just like a guy who's not good at Quake getting murdered in a game. It's not fun, man. It's like playing pool. If you're good, like I play pool. I love pool. I get obsessed with it. But I have a friend, my friend Max Eberle. He's a professional. And he's a top professional. I mean, he's capable of winning. When he's in stroke, capable of winning any tournament in the world. I mean, he's really fucking good. And when I play against him, sometimes it's so frustrating. And I play pretty good. Like for a regular person, I play good. But for a pro, not even fucking close. So when I play Max, it's just getting my ass handed to me. It's just getting fucked. The only time it's fun is when we play on a really, really tight table, so occasionally he misses.
And I'm like, oh, I get to shoot. So he's much better at that game. You should give him a handicap of some sort. No, we don't play for anything. And it's good for me. It's good for me because you get used to playing against a guy like that. It's not as fun as playing against a guy who's like your speed, but it's really good for your game because it makes sure that you capitalize on every mistake. Sometimes you'll play a guy who's not as good as you and you're like, I don't worry about this because if I miss, this guy's going to miss and I'll have another shot. But with Max, every time you miss, you're like, fuck, I better sit down for a while. Anyway, I believe that the Hunter S quote is actually from Samuel Johnson, an English author. Thank you very much, sir. I thought it was a Hunter Thompson quote. thank you CJ McElhinney McElhinney what about words names like Schwarzenegger how the fuck did that ever
get through like what culture ran out of sounds so they had to string together something nutty like that people that like to write in cursive this is gonna be the best cursive writing I've ever seen right right like manuscripts they used to write it on pages they didn't have lines in the paper. They just had paper. Right. And they would write it exactly. Have you ever heard of the Voynich manuscript? No. The Voynich manuscript, I don't know if I'm saying it right, is this ancient manuscript that was found, it's hundreds of years old, and they have no fucking idea what it says. They don't know the language. Oh, really? They don't know anything about it. They don't know if it's just nonsense, if some guy was just practicing scribble, but it's like really long. I don't know. Yeah, and there's consistency in how it's written, but they can't decode it. They've had top encryption experts. And it's very divided.
Some people believe it's a hoax and some people believe that it's some fucking lost language. And some people think that it's glossolalia, like when someone talks in tongues and that they just went into a fucking trance. Probably just some retard with a pen. No, because it's got really good writing. It's got diagrams in it and really good illustrations and diagrams in it. That's weird. Yeah, it's really complicated. You know, they found that temple in Turkey that is 7,000 years older than the pyramids, a very complex stone temple carved out of stone and shit. And now they have to rewrite human history because 7,000 years before Egypt is 9,000, 10,000 BC. And 10,000 BC, they already had temples and were worshiping shit. That throws a monkey wrench into the whole gears of the idea of cultural evolution. And there's been this guy, John Anthony West.
John Anthony West, look that up on Google because this guy is fascinating. He's got an awesome DVD series called Magical Egypt. And this guy is obsessed with Egypt. He spent his entire life studying Egypt. And he believes that the Egyptian culture goes back way, way, way before the established timelines. Like the established timelines for Egyptian culture is like 2500 BC. That's when they think like the pyramids were built. And that the culture goes back a little bit before that, but not much. And he thinks it goes back like 35,000 years. He thinks that people have been around way, way longer. And that there was some big break somewhere along the line. Like probably some sort of a natural cataclysmic disaster. like a meteor impact or something like that. And it could be 10,000, 15,000 years ago. They don't know when it was, but they think that there was an advanced culture,
and then boom, it got fucked up, and then culture rebuilds and society rebuilds, and then what's left is they're living in this shit that was made thousands and thousands of years ago. And they tried to imitate it and recreate it, and they can't. And he believes that that's what it is. These fucked up pyramids that they have in Egypt, it's not that these pyramids were the first pyramids. He thinks much, much more likely these pyramids were probably like people were trying to duplicate other shit, duplicate shit that was already there. You know, they believe that that's not his theory. That's someone else's theory. His theory is one of the things is about the Sphinx. They brought in geologists and the geologists have documented the erosion of the Sphinx. And they say there's water erosion. Like thousands of years of rainfall have cut deep fissures in the whole enclosure where the Sphinx is.
And the problem with that is the last time there was rainfall in the Nile Valley was like 7,000, 9,000 B.C. So that would mean that the pyramids or the Sphinx rather would have to be like 7,000 years older than the established timeline. And so, of course, none of the Egyptologists like the guys have been teaching forever that the pyramids and the Sphinx and all that was built about 2,500 B.C. They never want – they don't want to accept it. They go, well, where's the evidence for this culture? Like it's right there, man. And there's fucking rainfall for thousands of years have created this. And geologists are universal about that. There's no one who's disputing that. The geologists are all saying he's got – this guy Ron Schock, who's a professor at Boston University, has got over 100 professional professors and geologists to sign off on the fact that this is undoubtedly water erosion,
which completely changes the timeline for when the Sphinx was built. and there's a bunch of that shit going on in Egypt. They believe that it's like probably, you know, maybe even 30,000 years old. There's a mass extinction took place on the earth somewhere around 10,000 years ago. And that's when the woolly mammoths died instantaneously. That's when the saber-toothed tigers died. Noah's Ark. No, that's before them. But the, like 10,000 years ago, North America, Like half of North America was under a mile high sheet of ice. Like there was an ice age going on. And something killed it and ended it like instantaneously. And they don't know what it was. And it's very, very likely that it was a fucking natural disaster. It's very likely that it was a fucking meteor impact. Whoa, what happened to that guy's arm? You're distracting the shit out of me, son. Don't look at me.
Well, don't fucking have a monitor open in front of me. Dude's surfing. He's not even paying attention. We do one week podcast. This dude is so addicted to the internet. He can't even talk for one week. I've heard you talk before. You've heard me talk? Well, this is online, dude. There's 675 people that have not heard this story. Don't look at me. Shut up, faggot. Anyway, I think people have been around way longer. I think it's much more likely that... It's just ridiculous that people still don't believe in how long this world's been around. You know what I mean? Oh, like people that believe the Earth's 10,000 years old? Yeah, it just drives me crazy. Well, you know, that's a monster number. More than 50% of America, according to a Gallup poll, which is not the same because here's the thing about polls. You can't say, like, according to a recent poll, 50% of Americans believe this.
§08文字稿 · 57:52 起
Because no, no, according to your recent poll, 50% of Americans who are fucking retarded enough to answer your poll believe in that. That's the reality of it. Polls are never representative of anybody intelligent. Because you can't get me to answer a fucking poll. You can't get you. You got shit to do. Don't you have a hobby? You hear somebody calls you, may I have five minutes of your time? No, that's for like old ladies who have no friends. That's what that is. Well, look at this glitter. Or I'm fucking super baked. I just don't want to hang up on the person. And I'm like, okay, five minutes, okay. I'm trying to be nice. But the reality is polls represent retards. You know, you're a dullard. You're answering polls, goddammit? The only time I do a poll is if I think I'm going to win something if I answer. 20% of Americans can't find the United States on a globe. Is that true? Joe Beef. Don't be lying.
Joe Beef. Joe Beef is lying. Joe Beef, would you make that shit up? Solar flares up in 2012, bro. We're crossing the galactic equator then. You know what? You know, there's a guy, which is it? Richard Tyson, is that his name? What is that guy's name? The astronomer. Really, Neil Tyson. Neil Tyson. Very, very intelligent guy. And I really like listening to him talk. And one of the things he said about this whole crossing the aquatic, whatever, what is it? What is the exact, the way this guy, galactic equator? I think that's what this guy said. Yeah, like we're crossing through the center of the galaxy. Like everything's in line on December 21st, 2012. You know what he says? He says that happens all the time. He says that like line up with the center of the galaxy, it doesn't happen then. because it happens all the time and nothing happens so who knows if he's right or if he's
one of those guys that's like super skeptical but i think what's much more likely is going to happen in 2012 is something technological something technological some crazy invention you know like i don't think it'd be anything it could be that too it could be that 2012 what really happens is nothing happens and then people realize oh we have to actually manage this life we can't just rely on fucking aliens landing. I was more scared about 2000 just because that made sense. Like all the computers, planes dropping from the sky. I was scared too. I didn't do a gig on 2000. I stayed home. Yeah, I thought for sure there was at least going to be something small when 2000 hit. Isn't it crazy that that's 10 years ago now? Time is just fucking flying by, man. It's crazy fast. It's weird. It almost feels like it's quicker every year. And everybody says that, but what if time really is quicker?
What if like clocks are moving quicker too? We just can't really establish it because that wouldn't make sense because what about digital clocks? Well, no, they all exist in this fucking dimension. Maybe this dimension is moving quicker. Units of time are almost... I think we're forgetting more. So it feels like we're forgetting more of the day. Because we have more information? Yeah. Yeah, maybe, right? Right. hmm hmm thoughts on the zeitgeist movement you know what I think about zeitgeist and all that stuff there's a lot of zeitgeist that's poorly researched like the stuff that he said about Mithra and different gods and stuff that that are just like Jesus all that is really poorly researched and incorrect and been proven wrong there's a website that says I think it's it's common debunking zeitgeist or something like that i forget what the uh what the website
is titled but i mean the guy just breaks down all the errors that the dude who made the movie made and it's just you know he's he's quoting references and showing very clearly that uh the zeitgeist guys have made some big problem big big fuck-ups and i think his whole the how sure he is. September 11th was designed and perpetrated by the U.S. government and that Tower 1 and Tower 2 fell because they were detonated. Like, you're sure of that? Look, no one's sure of that. That's crazy. You can't say, all this talk of free fall speed and the towers fell at free fall speed. Yeah, they fell pretty fucking fast, but that's what happens when shit falls apart. It falls apart pretty fucking fast, especially shit that's super heavy and gigantic and all that weight is on it. It's all just collapsing. Who the fuck knows what
happens when you build a building that way and you fly a fucking giant plane filled with jet fuel into it? The only way to really know, I mean, you can have theories, but the only way to really know is to build another building and fly another jet into it exactly the same way and see what happens. And if it falls down exactly like that one, then the argument's pretty much over. And if it doesn't, then you have to go, well, okay, well, what was inside the building? Did it all burn the same? Was it exactly constructed the same? You know, and you've got to try it again. I mean, you have to fucking have more than two buildings to go on. And everybody's like, buildings have never fallen before. And look, the government does some nasty, evil shit. That is absolutely a fact. But you don't know. You don't know what happened there.
And to say that you know is just as bad as people who blindly trust in the U.S. government. The thing that I have a big question about when it comes to September 11th, is Tower 7. And if you watch video online, there's video of Tower 7 falling, and it falls just like a controlled demolition. I mean, it just goes straight down, whoosh, all at once. And it's really crazy to watch, man. You know, because, like, it implodes from the basement down, and every level falls apart, including, like, jets of energy, like, spraying out of windows, like there's blasts. I mean, maybe that could be because it's collapsing. Yeah, I mean, that's a whole floor of air being... Right. But the problem is it all falls the exact same time. And that building wasn't even hit by a plane. It was on fire and it had a hole in it from like debris and stuff. And I could see it falling down.
But there was a hole in one corner. And the hole, if it's a hole there and the building's going to collapse, wouldn't it collapse towards the hole? I mean, doesn't that make sense? Maybe. It also makes sense the whole standing on a pop can thing. Where if you stand on a pop can and you knock a little bit off the side, you're not falling over. You're going straight down because of the weight. you know I mean it's so heavy even if there's a hole on it it doesn't matter it's just going straight down you know that's maybe maybe I I think with all that shit I'm like yeah I'm glad there's people that freak out about it and care about it because without them you know the government's going to get away with a bunch of shit but in my opinion you know I don't care if the government did it fuck they did it you know I'm still waking up eating this cereal yeah well
that is one thing you have to consider I mean it's like you you mean how is this going to help you How is this going to help you in your life? I know. If you get obsessed with this. Yeah. Look, here's the bottom line. People that think the government wouldn't kill people, and nobody died in Tower 7, supposedly. That seems so hard to believe. Yeah, I know, right? People think the government would not kill people. This is all you need to know. For sure, they start wars that don't need to be started. That's 100% fact. For sure, the Gulf of Tonkin incident that got us into the Vietnam War, that was a fake fucking attack on Americans. They faked it. And they faked it and made this big deal about it so that everybody would get fired up and realize we have to go to Vietnam. That's fact. This is history. And the fact that they wrote up a thing called Operation Northwoods, the Northwoods document.
And the Northwoods document was they were planning attacks on Americans. And they were going to – this is in 1962. And they were going – this was signed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff, by the way, and vetoed by Kennedy. They were going to attack Guantanamo Bay. They were going to lob grenades and mortars into Guantanamo Bay and possibly kill American soldiers. They were going to blow up a jetliner and blame it on the Cubans. And they were going to tell Americans, we have to go to war with Cuba. Well, people were going to fucking die in that war, for sure. And people were going to die in a war that Americans didn't want. And so they decided to do what's called a false flag and make attacks on Americans and blame it on the Cubans. And that's a fact. They're willing to kill people. and only 3,000 people died in September 11th. For sure that's a lot of people. I'm not making light of it but in comparison
§09文字稿 · 66:09 起
to how many people have died in Iraq during the fucking war they're talking about like a million civilians have died in Iraq since the invasion. A million. I mean that's fucking crazy. Look at Haiti. I mean millions of people died from that earthquake in Haiti but we didn't have it HD video fucking you know seeing it. Yeah but we're not responsible for that. No I mean that's a natural disaster. What I'm saying is that they're willing to kill people. Right, right. I think the reason why we're focused on it, though, is just because of that, though. We all watched it live. Where if we saw these people in Iraq get shot live on TV, it would probably be just as big as 9-11. Well, I don't know about that. I think the idea that it was an attack on American soil, I mean, that's really why it was such a big deal. I mean, I remember how everybody got so patriotic after theirs. do you remember after September 11th
how everybody had fucking American flags in their car? Remember that weird feeling? You were still in Ohio back then, right? Right. Did they have them in Ohio? Oh yeah, it was crazy bad. I left, I went to work one day. I don't even think I was doing Fear Factor at the time. I might have been. But I was driving down the street near my house and every fucking car had an American flag on it. It was crazy. And I was like, this is just weird. This is a weird feeling. It's like people are bowing up. They're ready to just go to fucking war. You don't realize how warlike this fucking culture really is and how sheep-like and how people are just immediately willing to fight. And fight who? The people who did it are dead. It was a suicide attack. So the people that were responsible for the deaths of those people are all dead. I mean, unless you're one of those crazy motherfuckers
that doesn't believe that it was a real plane. and then there's people that believe that they were piloted by remote control and the planes were empty. Who the fuck knows? Shit happened almost, what, is this 10 years? 10 years? And we're still talking about it? Oh my god. It's so frustrating. Talking to people who claim to know. That's when it's really frustrating. Man, it wasn't a plane that hit the Pentagon, it was a missile. Where's all the people that died in the fucking plane crash then? What, they took them? Why would they say it's a plane? Why would they shoot a missile and say it's a plane? Why were there all the plane parts on the lawn? I mean, come on, man. We talked about this before. It's on this? Yeah. The plane plane? Yeah, I think we actually laughed two weeks ago. What's fear factor real? Nothing is real. Depends on how much acid you take. Joe Rogan hates Bruce Springsteen. That is so not true.
It's not true? Are you just trying to get attention, motherfucker? No, I don't hate Bruce Springsteen. Born to Run, that's a great fucking song. Brilliant Disguise, that's a great fucking song. Never got into Bruce Springsteen. Dude, I don't love all Bruce Springsteen, and I'm not going to sit through a fucking three-hour concert of anybody's. Yeah. It would have to be like Richard Pryor would have to come back from the day. Pink Floyd? I might sit through three hours of Pink Floyd. No, I wouldn't. I'd get bored. They don't have three hours of good songs. But I love some of Bruce Springsteen's songs. Some of them are the fucking shit. There's no one is going to... I bought an old Rolling Stone album the other day because it had one song on it that I really liked. I forget what it was. But the rest of the album was dog shit. And that's the Rolling Stones. You think about how many great songs they have.
They have a lot of fucking albums. You know, if you go back into some of those older albums and listen to some of those songs that you don't know Oh It's just shit, you know, no not no nobody puts out something that everybody loves You know and if I like I mean, it's very rare that I like a whole album from a band You ever been to a real orgy like with more than ten people having sex in the same room It's like you walked in you're like what the fuck is going on here orgy. Yeah, like a real one No, I never been an orgy. Have you? No, I just it seems like all these Tampa Remember when we were in Tampa, Florida, someone was trying to get us to go to a sex club? Right. He was a guy that had a swingers club. That happened again with me and Ari in, I think it was Nashville. Me and Ari were in Nashville. We had this driver who drove us to the UFC, drove us to the comedy club, the same driver all week.
And then finally, he's dropping us off at the airport. And he's like, as he's dropping us off, I was like, well, if you guys are ever back in town, no, I have a fucking swingers club that I belong to. Oh, no. I go, what? And I go, swingers? Like, yeah, me and my wife, we're swingers. You're swingers. So you let dudes fuck your wife? He's like, well, you know, she lets me and I have to let her. What? Well, we get to choose, though. We have veto power. That's what he said. We got veto power. Like, I go, so some dude, you feel like you can't follow him? Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no, no big young studs. Like, he gets to choose. Like, he wants, like, old, bald, fucking, you know, vacuum salesman banging his wife. How awful. Cheating his wife's mouth. That would be so bad. I'm like, do you watch? He goes, no, I don't want to watch. You don't want to watch. You don't want to watch.
Your wife is getting fucking stuffed in another room. How crazy is that bitch? You know, how crazy is she? You know, whenever I hear about chicks that want to fuck like a bunch of different dudes at the same time like that, there's something. I mean, look, we're all wired differently. And, you know, I like hot sauce. You like hot sauce? You like spicy food? I like fucking really spicy food. Like, I'll fuck myself up. I'll put like Dave's Insanity Sauce on burritos. And I'm sweating. Sweat is pouring on my face. My tongue is on fire. Now, to most people, they wouldn't like that, but I like that for some weird reason. Maybe some girls just like bicks and everywhere. You know, maybe they like it. Maybe it's just like they're just going crazy. Maybe it's not. But maybe they're broken, you know? Yeah. It depends on the person. Some of them are for sure fucked up.
There was this girl on the Howard Stern show today that got fucked so hard in the ass that it tore a hole in her intestines. Oh! No! And she sewed it back up. And then she was talking about how she's just the other day had two dicks in her ass. I'm like, wouldn't you, once your intestines rip open. Oh my God. Who is this girl? She's in the new Jersey Shore porn. Jersey Whore or something like that. Somebody knows. You guys know. She was on the Howard Stern today. There's a bunch of you fucking perverts. God damn it. You people know who it is. I forget her name. Teresa or something like that. Whoever was listening to the Stern show today and heard that. Yeah, Mr. Hands. That sounds just like Mr. Hands. But a regular dick doing that to you, that's even more impressive. The horse dick, you look at it and you go, how does it not kill you?
The most amazing thing about that Mr. Hands thing, if you don't know what Mr. Hands is, it's a guy who got fucked to death by a horse, and there's a video of it online. You can watch the guy getting fucked by the horse. But the amazing thing is, they did it. Taron Thomas, beautiful. Thank you very much, Mighty Hubris, you fucking pervert. but um the amazing thing about the horse fucking video is that apparently this guy had gotten fucked by a horse a bunch of times and nothing happened like he was okay like how does that even happen mr hands is your 9-11 because you talk about that shit every day is there is there a point where you're like man i do talk about fucking horse fucking a lot more than no no because it's a bit of my act now i know but now it's like part of my my job you remember the shit the bah face I used to go behind you and always make the faces all the time well I found myself doing
it on normal faces so like it would be my mom is like hey mom let's take a photo and they're like yeah I got like oh I'm doing this all the time now I have to stop so that's why I stopped in the bah face because it was like something that was like in my head if you don't know what the bah face is and this is a thing that went on for literally like five years every time I took a picture with someone like you know someone came to a show and they want to take a picture with me And every time, Brian was behind them like this. And there's – we have to organize them and put them online. It's on MySpace, but a lot of them are. But yeah, there's a million more. There's so many of them. There's a million more. We're talking about no bullshit. Five years' worth of shows. Thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of pictures, all with Brian behind it, making crazy fucking faces.
§10文字稿 · 73:55 起
I have a picture of me and David Lee Roth, and you're behind it. Yeah. Making a fucked up face. I think the last one I did – or the one that made me realize I needed to stop doing it was the one I did to Brock Lesnar. and I was so drunk. And the next day I'm like, I did not do it with Brock Lesnar. How about the one you did with Dane Cook, man? Oh yeah, and I did Dane Cook. That's funny. But no, the Brock Lesnar one, I was like, I need to stop. He could have easily kicked my ass right then. Oh my God, I don't have that picture. You gotta send that to me. I'm gonna put this up on Twitter right now. Holy shit, that's awesome. Send it to Flickr. Send it to Flickr. I'm gonna do it right now. Wow, I've never seen that photo before. Yeah, I'll put that shit up. Put it on Flickr? Okay. I can't believe I ball-faced David Lee Roth dude I can't wait to I shouldn't say this but I can't wait to one day where
David Lee Roth won't be around maybe so we can release that video or he won't be we have this video of us all hanging out with David Lee Roth I don't mean die I mean like he doesn't care he told us not to talk about it Oh, all right. I mean, he doesn't want that video coming out, so the last thing we should do is talk about what's on that video, man. No, no, I was just going to say we all sat around and talked. Yes. But how we love to. Bullshit, man. You were saying you can't wait until he dies so you can release it. No, no, no, no, just so we can show it to people. Because it was so awesome. It was awesome there, right? Yes. It was just cool talking to him. Right. It was basically just David Lee Roth talking about crazy road stories. I mean, it was nothing scandalous. No. It was just, I mean, it's fucking David Lee Roth, you know? it's just weird hanging out with somebody that you grew up as a kid listening to
buying his albums at Gold Circle and yeah it's amazing hanging out with David Lee Roth was the shit alright hold on I'm gonna choose the photo I'm gonna put that shit online but this this picture of Brian going nutty behind David Lee Roth is just indicative of one of fucking you probably have somebody