Joe Rogan

00:00is this working? it doesn't seem to be Thank you. I'm here, but I got no video. This whack-ass shit. It just, it never ends. I can't get it right. You can hear me, but you can't see me. Ladies and gentlemen, I do not know how the fuck this program works that's supposed to get me on. And I don't know why it's not showing. Let's try this. I'll try this again. Hey! We got it. We're in. So uh I'm playing Gangstar Out of respect For uh Guru from Gangstar Had a Heart attack this week He went into a coma He's in like some sort of A medically induced coma Some dude said it best On Twitter He said that's when you know You're getting old When hip hop Stars start having Fucking heart attacks Man He's 43 He's only a year older than me What are you gonna do ladies and gentlemen. We're all dying slowly. Not this motherfucker. Look at this dude from National Geographic Magazine. I just picked this up.

02:36I don't even know the story, but I just had to pick it up because it's hilarious. It's about polygamy. It says polygamy in America, and it's one dude who's got five wives and 46 children. Now, my only problem with any of this shit is that these creepy fucks are always marrying 16-year-olds. That's what I don't tell you about it. And when you go into the article, that's actually a big point here. That a couple of these guys have been arrested like this fucking freak. Tell me that guy you can't even see. But that looks like somebody you should just arrest. He was apparently married to some 16-year-old who sentenced him to 10 years in prison for sexual assault. That's the only problem with these creepy fucks with this crazy five wives shit. The only way you can get chicks to agree to that is if they're drugged up, retarded, or really, really young.

03:28And that's how these guys pull this shit off. That's not fair. You know what I'm saying? I mean, if you're pulling it off total pimp style, like if you're just some Hugh Hefner type character that lays down the law and is like, listen, I'm going to have a bunch of chicks and it's all. This guy's like, he's like getting them when they're really young and brainwashing them. So it really is like a cult. Because believe me, chicks don't want that shit. But hey, if you can pull it off when you're an adult, whatever. I'm not a hater. I'm all for it if you can pull it off as an adult. But like I said, with these creepy fucks, these... I don't know what this dude's thing is called. I guess it's a Mormon splinter group. You know, whatever. No one has any fucking answers. Any ideology that you follow is going to be full of shit. Any one of them. All of them. Unless it's completely open.

04:22Unless there's not one single person that's laying down rules. Not one single person that's telling you what to do. Unless it's just a gigantic group of people that are all really like-minded, open-minded, and thinking about things. That's the number one problem with democracy is that fucking anybody can vote. And you can easily get people to think the way you're thinking. It's not that difficult. Most people have no idea how to think. and on top of that they have to fucking work and they have a family and they have obligations and they have debt and they have problems and they're trying to get laid. There's a lot of shit going on. So for them to be paying attention to what's really going on with the national deficit and all that crap, it's not going to happen, man. It's too much to think about. Even the fucking people that work in finance don't understand finance.

05:11If they did, how did that Bernie Madoff thing ever get off? How did that guy ever pull that shit off? He pulled that shit off because no one understands the system. It's nuts. That system is, they're just fucking buccaneers. Those guys are just pirates stealing money left and right. And that's how our world works, ladies and gentlemen. Um, so since, uh, I did this podcast last killer whale killed this trainer and you saw people follow me on Twitter. I posted a lot of shit about that on Twitter because I thought it was completely fucking ridiculous that they, first of all, they take these animals that are super intelligent and they cage them. You know, the way this whale was raised, this whale in particular was raised in Canada, and the place where they had him, they would give him this little tiny cell to share with these other whales at night.

06:02So they would like stuff them into this thing where they literally couldn't turn around. They couldn't move. They couldn't do anything. And if he didn't go into his cage and if he didn't do his tricks, they would deprive him of food. Up to 25 to 30% of his daily food intake. They would just cut it back from him. So this poor animal, who was as intelligent as us, was forced to starve, forced to do tricks to get his food, and forced to willingly enter into a cage in order to get his food. So this is a fucking angry animal. Now, on top of that, they don't really let him breed. They excite him, and then they extract sperm from him. They basically jerk him off, and they sell his sperm because it's worth a lot of money. They're trying to breed whales in captivity because people find it very distasteful when you go and capture killer whales now. Because we know how smart they are.

06:51We know how tied they are to their family. This whale was stolen from his family when he was two years old. They're supposedly as close to human beings as you can get, but being totally alien from us. I mean, they don't alter their environment. They can't change their surroundings. They don't have anything they can pick shit up. but they have dialects. They have different sounds for different packs of whales so they understand each other and different pods of whales so they understand each other's dialect. They mate and they stay together. They stay with their family for life. This whale would have been with his mom for life and they just fucking snatched him out of the water when he was two years old. The whole thing is so creepy. It's basically slavery. It's slavery but we allow it because we don't understand them. I mean, that's really what it is.

07:39I mean, those fucking animals are super intelligent. You know, I read that their cerebral cortex is 40% larger than ours. You know, they're lacking some things that we have and they have more of other things that we have. But what's very clear is that they're super intelligent. Their intelligence is so difficult to understand though because it's so alien. Because their world is so alien. I mean, they live, they are, they're out there just with their mouths. they're super intelligent and they're killing with their with their fucking face you know they're not like removed from it like us where you go to the supermarket and you pick up a steak they are as intelligent as supposedly as humans and they're they kill with their own head I mean that's a totally different mindset totally different world they live in they have to kill sharks

08:26because sharks will occasionally you know attack their pups and you know that's just just dangerous They don't like having sharks around. There's a killer video. There's a cool video online of a killer whale killing a great white shark. You know, they've never killed a single human being in the wild, ever. They only kill human beings in captivity. Why? Because those fucking human beings are like prison guards, man. Those are slave masters. It's just like us taking someone and putting them in jail if we don't understand their language. It's really no different. You know, I think that killer whales are probably definitely smarter than some people. I mean, think of like the dumbest fucking people that you know. I bet killer whales are probably smarter than Sarah Palin.

09:07I bet if you had like a killer whale, had like a contest, like some sort of a, you know, mental aptitude contest with like a real meathead. I bet the killer whale would win, you know, for sure. It's fucked up, man. We don't ever get our shit together. That's what really drives me nuts. It's like human beings, for whatever reason, are exactly as we have always been. We just don't get our shit together. You know? I don't understand it. I don't know what the fuck our problem is. It doesn't seem like we're ever working anything out. Just the same shit over and over and over and over again. so my friends on Twitter what is cracking I will now go to the Twitter little chat thing try to get some questions if this browser doesn't crash now the way I'm doing it I'm going to browse with Firefox and I'm going to stream the show with Safari like you give a fuck so I guess they just signed

10:17James Toney to the UFC see uh I guess that's real that's awesome man if it's true I want to see it I want to see some freak shows I want to see uh I want to see I would love to see james tony versus someone good you know some good a good grappler or not even man maybe someone who's good will stand up with him a little bit maybe a good like you know what I would love to see james tony versus pat barry you know james tony with those four ounce gloves people don't realize how good that guy's hands are he's going to show people a whole different level if someone will stand with them but that's the thing if somebody doesn't want to stand with them they're just going to take his ass down at will and they're going to kick his legs out from under him that's going to be the biggest shock I just wonder who

11:00he's going to train with I wonder if he's going to really train with kickboxers and with jiu-jitsu guys and if he's going to take leg kicks and learn how to check kicks or side check kicks as he calls it. You know, who knows, man? Who the fuck knows? I guess he's a heavyweight. I don't think he's going to lose weight. I mean, he is a boxing heavyweight champion. I mean, he destroyed Holyfield at heavyweight. I'm fucking psyched for that, man. I think that's going to be fun. I think it's going to be interesting. But like I said, I want to see Jose Canseco versus Herschel Walker. I'm a freak. I want to see the freak shows, my Twitter people. My friends. Alright, let me get some of these. Christian group wants killer whale stoned to death. Is that true? That's interesting. You might have just made that shit up, you fuck. Jerry Vette. I don't know. Is that true?

12:03James Toney versus Herschel Walker. Oh, I don't know, man. I don't know if that's a good move. I think that would be a little dangerous. I think Herschel needs a few more fights before he steps in there with a guy who can bang like James Toney, unless Herschel's got a really good takedown defense. I don't know. Or really good takedowns, rather. It's very possible. Some of these questions are really terrible. World's strongest man to fight in the UFC, that Pujanowski guy. I think they're talking about Pujanowski fighting James Toney, which I think is very interesting because, not James Toney, excuse me they're talking about Pudinowski fighting Tim Sylvia which I think is very interesting because Pudinowski is super strong and everything and he's a beast of a man but god damn, I mean, how much are people selling Tim Sylvia short? yeah, Ray Mercer knocked him out with a big punch

12:59but guess what? Ray Mercer would knock out almost anybody with that fucking punch if Ray Mercer hits you in the jaw like that there's not a whole lot of people that I could imagine outside of Mark Hunt in his prime taking that punch on that chin. I think people are selling Tim Sylvia very short. The dude's good, man. He's very good. This guy says, James Tony isn't dedicated to anything but food. That's not true, sir. How dare you? It couldn't be because you can't get that good. It's impossible. It's impossible to get that good and not be training all the time. It's not possible. For sure, he's got killer boxing technique. His ability to shoulder roll punches and ability to block punches and counter. He's one of those dudes that can stay right outside and just land counters. I'm interested in seeing what happens when a guy like that punches somebody with those little gloves on.

13:56And who knows? I mean, he might break his fucking hands. I mean, that's possible too. I don't think he's had hand problems in the past, but I'm curious to see. I wonder what would happen with a guy like Floyd Mayweather who has had hand problems. Those little gloves, they don't offer that much protection. And if you catch a guy on the elbow or you catch a guy at the top of his head or something like that, or you just hit him the wrong way, you could break your hand. Very, very possible. But I think it's interesting, man. I'm thinking all these crazy fights, the Herschel Walker thing with Jose Canseco, this James Toney thing, all these crazy fights, what they do is they get more people thinking about mixed martial arts. And the more people think about mixed martial arts, the more they're going to watch the real fighters.

14:37Not that these guys aren't real fighters, but the real high-level fighters. You know, the Machitas and the Anderson Silvas and Cain Velasquez, those kind of guys. So I think it's all good. It's all good. Coming to Canada this week, you dirty bitches. I'm coming to Halifax. I'm coming to Ottawa. And I'm coming to Toronto, where I've never been. And I'm very excited because I've wanted to go to Toronto for a long ass time. I've been trying to make it happen forever. And for whatever reason, I just couldn't pull it off. Couldn't pull it off. But now I got it together. So tomorrow I'm at the Casino Nova Scotia in Halifax. And then Friday I'm at the Bronson Center in Ottawa. and then Saturday I'm at the Queen Elizabeth Theater in Toronto. And I think Nova Scotia, the Casino Nova Scotia in Halifax is almost sold out and Saturday night is sold out. The Toronto thing is sold out, I believe.

15:46So I'll see you, my friends. We're going to have a good time. I just got back from Dallas, which is a crazy-ass town. Dallas people are nuts. That place is a lot of fun. Texas is a lot of fun in general. just people love to party in Texas, man. The shows I have in Texas just always seem to be like a little extra rowdy, a little extra crazy, just a fun-ass fucking state. That's where I'm going to go when the apocalypse hits. That's my next move. My next move is Texas. As soon as San Francisco breaks off and falls into the ocean, I'm going to take the hint, pack up my shit, move to Texas. That's where you want to be if Al-Qaeda attacks America too. Al-Qaeda is like 100 Al-Qaeda, right? It's one of the crazy things they said about Afghanistan. There's like 100 Taliban in Afghanistan. I don't know if it's right. I don't know if it's true.

16:39The fucking world's filled with lies, ladies and gentlemen. I don't understand any of it, neither do you. Why are we playing games? Why do we pretend that we understand the news? And with all the bullshit the government feeds us, to even pretend that we know exactly what's happening overseas is laughable. That shit's ridiculous. There's no way you can know what's going on in Afghanistan. When I hear people arguing, you know, well, you know what, man? The Taliban right now and the position that al-Qaeda is in, it's imperative that we... What are you even fucking talking about, dude? I know that you have a kid. I know that you're a fucking accountant. I know that you play softball. That's a lot of time that you just ate up. Where is the time to going to Afghanistan and really finding out what the fuck is going on with the Taliban? It's not happening, right?

17:22You're just talking out of your ass? That's what everybody's doing. They're reading talking points based on the various right-wing or left-wing websites or right-wing or left-wing television shows. They're picking a side and they just fucking get on it. And that's the problem with human beings. All this nutty shit happens in the world. And one of the reasons why we allow nutty shit to happen is because we get on a team. We get on a team and we pick it. That's why so few Democrats are complaining about Obama. Democrats should be going fucking bonkers just like everybody else is going bonkers. because Obama's proven to be no different than any of the rest of them. But Democrats, they're not saying any crazy shit about Obama because Obama is on their team. And that's how people look at shit. And that's why we're so fucked up. You know, I mean, this guy, he sends,

18:08he gets the Nobel Peace Prize and then sends 30,000 troops to Afghanistan. Could you imagine how Democrats would react if a Republican did that? They would go fucking crazy. Meanwhile, with Obama, they're like, they don't want to say anything. It's really the perfect way to get... If Republicans were genius, if the big cabal conspiracy is true, if there are billionaire bankers that totally control the world, what a genius way to control everything. You get a black liberal and you have him do exactly the same thing that Republicans do. Get a black liberal, a guy who's supposedly liberal, but yet is sending... I mean, he's liberal in the way he spends tax dollars. There's this fucking, all this crazy shit with the bailout. The fact that they're not accountable for this money. We can't exactly figure out where it all went. And they haven't loosened lending at all.

19:00That was the whole idea about this. It was supposed to stimulate the economy and make it more, make that money more accessible. But they've, like, they've loaned less money than ever before. I mean, the whole thing is, it just reeks of crime. It reeks of corruption and opportunism. Yet, you know, how many Democrats are talking about it? Very few. The reason why is because he's on their team. It makes no sense. It's like a guy on a football team throwing the fucking ball the wrong way and the crowd is still cheering. I mean, it's really what it's like. Or the crowd's not saying anything. They're pretending they don't know. We love to be on fucking teams. It's one of the worst things about human beings. And one of the scariest teams right now is Team Stupid. It's not even Team Republican. Team Stupid jumps on Team Republican because Team Republican doesn't talk down to them.

19:49But that's why the Sarah Palin thing works so well. The reason why Sarah Palin works so well is not because all these people believe with her ideas and they agree with her ideas and agree with her on the issues. They don't even know how she stands on the issues. One of the scariest videos I ever saw online was this dude at a Sarah Palin book signing. These motherfuckers were in line for hours. It was like zero degrees outside. they're in line for hours waiting to talk to Sarah Palin talking about how she should be president and about, you know, they're just bringing back to basic values and go back to the way America should be and all that talk is just stupid talk. That's what they are. What they're saying is she seems like me. I am dumb. I don't know what the fuck is happening. I'm terrified. I believe in fairy tales. I believe in dumb nonsense that's easily disproven

20:39and I like her because she does too. They like the fact that Sarah Palin believes that evolution is bullshit and that the earth is only 10,000 years old. She believes that. She said that to a fucking teacher in Alaska. She had a conversation with them, you know, long before she ever ran for president or vice president rather. That's what they like. They like stupid. People love stupid shit. They love someone that makes them feel like they're okay. If you use a Windows computer, you love other people that use Windows. You use Windows too? Yeah, Windows rules. Macs are for fags. Or it's the other way. If you're a Mac head, you're like, oh, those idiots and they're fucking Windows. People love to be on the same team, whether it's Republican or Democrat or smart or stupid. How many dumb people have you ever met that are on Team Smart? A lot, right?

21:27There are a lot of dumb people that try to pretend to be smart. And then you talk to them about things, and they just have, like, these talking points that they can repeat. but they really have just adopted a conglomeration of other people's opinions. They haven't really thought anything out. And when you challenge them on the very ideas for these opinions that they're organizing and governing their entire lives, they really have nothing to say about it because they haven't really thought about it. That's a smart person, according to most people. That's someone who's on Team Smart. But he's really a dumb guy, and that's very common. It's just taking advantage of the whole team thing. And that's what the fuck is going on with Obama. We got guys pretending to be on one team and doing exactly the same thing that the other team would do.

22:16This guy says, Dustin Hunter says, I didn't used to hate McCain until he brought Palin into the picture. I think what Sarah Palin should show all of us is that clearly she's not qualified to run the world. There's no way. Nobody believes that. But what that shows you is that the position of president really is just horseshit. They really are just a spokesperson. You get into that position, you're a spokesperson for big business. It's no more than being a star of a sitcom. You're not writing the sitcom. You're the star of the sitcom. You're the guy that they choose to play the fat postal worker or whatever the fuck you are, the bartender, whatever you are. you know, you're, you're the, the black liberal, you know, you're the white rancher. I mean, George Bush even went so far as to buy a fucking ranch in Texas, you know, I mean, that guy,

23:09he's from fucking Maine, you know, they, they just played this part of like the Texas down home. He's out, remember he used to be on the ranch, like sawing wood and shit. Like what the fuck are you doing, man? Sawing wood, you know, supposed to think that you're on my side now. It's like they're playing a part, you know, and that's what's going on. So McCain, I mean, he's no different than all the rest of them, you know. If you were really a maverick, you never get to that position. The guys like Ron Paul, the guys that stand up and, I mean, Ron Paul just gave back $100,000 to the Treasury from his, I guess from, I don't know exactly what the details of it. I'll have to read it. Sounds real good. Good talking point. But Ron Paul is like, he's like this old dude that wears sneakers, you know. He wears suits with sneakers on. You know why? Because he doesn't give a fuck.

23:57You know, he doesn't care. They're black. So they're the leather and the bottom's rubber. They're more comfortable than fucking stupid shoes with slippery soles. You know, I mean, that's the kind of dude he is. He's just don't give a fuck dude. And those dudes don't get to be president. Those dudes just get to talk a lot. And somewhere, someone along the line figures out some way to discredit him, make him look nutty. You know, you remember when he was talking, when all the people were talking about presidential candidates back in 2008, you know, Ron Paul, they were joking about him, laughing about him, left and right. Meanwhile, everything he said came true. When he was talking about the economic collapse, when he was talking about, I mean, everything that he said about the bailout, everything he said about where the money was going to go, he's fucking right about all this shit.

24:39and they still make it seem like he's a nut. And somehow or another managed to connect him to 9-11 truthers and fucking David Icke reptilian conspiracy theorists, like all these fucking nutty people. They somehow or another wound up connecting them all together to somehow or another discredit anything that might be a little bit controversial or weird. That's another thing that people like to do. They love to box shit up nice and tidy. you know, and you know, if you're saying some things that are uncomfortable for people to hear, they just stick you with some 9-11 truthers or something along those lines, just shut you right the fuck up, you know. Ron Paul apparently doesn't believe in evolution, though, which is very interesting, because that's, you know, whether or not you believe that there's

25:29a God or whether or not, I mean, I don't think the two, I don't think they're mutually exclusive. I think that the idea of evolution is like the idea that everything becomes more and more complex as time goes on. And we could see the evidence of that. We could see that in our own lives. We could see that in our own culture. Try watching like a TV show from 1950. They were so fucking dumb. I mean, they were so dumb, it's like staggering. They're like a comedy now. It's almost like they're a parody. You know, if you watch like Father Knows Best or something like that, I mean, it really is almost like a parody. and the reason being because people did not have as much access to information back then they were more naive our culture was less evolved if you look at the music from 1930 and then look at the music here in 2010 it's very clear that things are becoming more and more complex

26:16they're evolving sure there's some dumb shit that's stuffed in there too and there's always going to be dumb shit you need to feed the dummies but on the most part like rock music and more complex music. It's just, it sounds different. The production quality is far better. You know, what they can do with music and sound is far better. It's evolving. It's becoming more complex, just like all organisms are. You know, there's a place in the Congo where the Congo is only, the way it is right now, the rainforest has only been like that for a couple thousand years. Two thousand years ago, what it was, it was grasslands, but the grasslands, because the climate change became this rainforest, and there's a lot of, like, plains animals that are stuck inside this incredibly dense jungle, and one of them is this little antelope, and this little

27:05antelope, I think it's called a diker, it swims underwater, and it eats fish. It's in the fucking antelope family. It's this little tiny short-legged antelope. It swims underwater and eats fish. I mean, if that's not something fucking adapting and surviving, and this is over the course of just a couple of thousand years. There's a fish in the Congo that climbs out of the water and walks to the next water hole and then dives in. I mean, what the fuck is that? That's something evolving. You know, that's, this is evolution that's occurring in this little small area over a very short period of time. I mean, the idea that this fucking antelope developed to swim because there's so much water there and there's rivers and all the other shit. And there's, you know, it's a way to get more food. They swim underwater and they eat fish. I mean, it's fucking craziness. They've

27:55developed the ability to, to hunt, you know, and it's an antelope. I mean, that's pretty crazy stuff. That doesn't mean there's no God. It just means there's some other shit going on. You know, it doesn't mean that there's not some one all powerful thing at the end of it. The idea though, that that one all powerful thing at the end of it looks like us and talks English and, you know, is, you know, it wants you to follow his way or you burn in hell or all that fucking kookiness. That's obviously people fucking with the idea. But I think the idea that the whole thing might be operating under some sort of an ethic, that the whole universe might be operating under the force of like at least an energy or a direction. You know, we think of it, you know, as God as being a thing. But maybe God is everything.

28:47maybe God is all things and then all things work together but that our job whatever our job is on this earth that we're moving in a direction where we have to compete in order to facilitate that movement and in order to really be in competition with each other we have to sort of think separate from each other we have to compete with each other so there has to be a you and there has to be a me there has to be separation to compete sexually there has to be separation to compete financially to compete career-wise, and that may be all a byproduct of the law of nature, that it might be moving us in this direction. And that might be one of the reasons why people are slowly starting to become aware of that idea. I mean, the idea that all human beings and everything in this whole universe are somehow connected.

29:38You know, I mean, that might be really what's going on, but we might be unaware of that because our job is on this planet, in this life, in this dimension, our job is to facilitate something. Our job is to compete with each other in order to facilitate our cultural evolution. Because if we didn't have that, if we didn't think like that, you know, if we lived like monks or if we, you know, lived like Native Americans, we wouldn't, no technology would get done, you know, theoretically. at this point I'm knows no at this point I maybe I'm hiding the chat rogan fans are batshit insane really over what's going on over here this you should slow as fuck This guy says, are you as high as me? I don't know how high you are, buddy. I don't need to answer trick questions. How dare you? So, here we go. Oh, Ron Paul hates blacks? Are you sure? Dennis Kucinich is the Ron Paul of the left. Yeah.

30:59He seems to be another one. You never know what these Dennis Kucinich guys are. I think Ron Paul is pretty obviously legit. But you never know how many of these guys just decide that there's a lot of money in being a rebel. It's very possible. It's very possible that they're just fucking playing us. And that they know they can get a good movement going on. Sort of like gurus. Have you ever met anybody that proclaims to be really open-minded and all about love? But really it turns out they're kind of all about themselves. And they're kind of full of shit. They're really not on a quest. They're just all about fulfilling their ego. and that stance, the loving, open, I'm a Buddhist, I've been practicing Buddhism for a while now, and then you really get to know the guy, get him drunk, and he's a douchebag. What is that? I think there's a lot of people that are doing that.

31:51I think that could be the Dennis Kucinich thing, too. Who knows? He might be legit. I'm not saying Dennis Kucinich in general. I'm saying it's very possible, I'm not saying Dennis Kucinich specifically, but it's very possible, especially in today's day and age, that someone could posture themselves, position themselves as like the outsider, position themselves as the rebel. Someone who's outside the system is going to take it down. You know, look at all this corruption. Look at all this chaos. What we need to do is this. I'm willing to give up all my money. I'll work for free. And, you know, it builds some kind of a crazy movement behind them. I mean, it's really not a bad idea. Somebody disenfranchised people. Right? My friends? You know what the fuck I'm talking about. Yeah, they found tons of water on the moon.

32:31I would think that would be really interesting if I hadn't seen Sunshine last night. Right now, I don't give a fuck about space. I saw a stupid science fiction movie last night that was really good for like three quarters of it. It was a fascinating movie for like three quarters of the movie. And then it just took this left turn down what the fuck boulevard. And it was just retarded. The last quarter of it is literally like someone took the script and got a hold of the last 20 pages and just jacked the whole movie. Just wanted to make sure that the movie sucked. I mean, it was really like somebody had a vested interest in the studio failing. Opening for me tomorrow would be the lovely and talented Sam Tripoli. If you've never seen Sam before, he's fucking hilarious. And he's an old school comedy store veteran. I've known Sam forever. And Ari had a back out last minute.

33:26Some shit came up. He just nailed some nice commercials. So Ari's making some loot. He had to make that paper. You know what I'm saying? So Ari had to back out. So Sam Tripoli's in, who is a hilarious dude. So it's going to be a fuck of a hell of a lot of good time. Yeah, Zombie Sunburn Man says, Cheese Cow. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about, man. That movie sucked at the end, didn't it? That was ridiculous. What would the world be like if everyone could separate from their ego? See, that's the problem. I don't think it would work. you know one of the you know the the realities of this life is there's a whole system set up and one person out of six billion is not going to change the whole system and the way the system is set up for the majority of human beings is competition and competition sexually competition

34:16socially competition financially and that that competition when when you have that it fosters innovation. It makes sure that people create new things and make sure that people work hard and make sure that people compete with each other and things get done. And I wrote a blog about this that I think that that's what human beings purpose on this earth is. I think that our purpose as like materialist, this whole idea of competition and capitalism and materialism, that it might be really just to support technology, that it might be the universe's way of making us evolve, that we might not just evolve physically by, by, you know, our cells becoming more complex, our DNA becoming more, but it might be more complicated than that. We might be evolving by integrating with technology. We might be evolving by facilitating technology to,

35:11to emerge. And, you know, I mean, it might be as simple as I wrote about in my blog about there's a, aquatic worm that infects grasshoppers and it takes over the grasshopper and makes the grasshopper a zombie. Like it infects them. It's a parasite. Gets inside their body. Grows inside the body cavity, the grasshopper. Then rewires the grasshopper's brain and forces the grasshopper to jump into water and drown so that they can pop out of the grasshopper's body and survive. if that ain't some shit. I mean, that is fucking nuts. That's a really crazy thing to think about, that this organism tricks another organism to commit suicide and thus give birth to it. Because that's the only way that aquatic worm could live. It can't live in the grasshopper's world. If it comes out in the grasshopper's world, it'll dry out and it'll die. But if it talks the grasshopper into committing suicide

36:07by jumping in the lake, grasshoppers can't swim. You know, I mean, that's like a fire bug talking you into diving into a volcano. It doesn't make any sense. Like, it's certain death. If a grasshopper jumps into that water, it's certain death. And somehow or another, this organism talks the grasshopper into doing it. You know, it might very well be that our purpose as an organism, that the human being's purpose in this world is to make something else. That our purpose is to create a life form out of technology.

36:38It's very possible. Very, very possible. If you think about what life is, I mean, what life is, I mean, there's cellular life and there's, you know, we assume that that's what all life is. But what life is, is something that reproduces, something that exists, it moves about of its own accord. It, you know, even, well, plants don't do that, but plants reproduce and there's a process. It takes in energy and puts out energy, breathes in oxygen, puts out carbon dioxide. It's like that applies to computers. That applies to electronics. Yeah, we create them, but they require something and they release something. When you're playing with a computer, you turn it on. It requires power, but then it radiates images and it radiates information and it connects to other computers. I mean there's a whole process. It's very similar to a life form. and if at one point in time if they become sentient

37:37that means if they have a mind of their own if they can think for themselves they're aware they're alive if they're aware that they're individuals or if they become conscious if that happens who's to say that's not a life form I mean if artificial intelligence is more intelligence than us just because it's artificial just because we created it doesn't mean it's not real I mean to call it artificial intelligence It's not artificial like, you know, here's a fucking Ferrari that's made a cake. You can't drive it. No, it's fucking intelligent. It's real intelligent. It's not. It's more synthetic intelligence. It's more man-created intelligence. But to call it artificial, I'm not sure if that's right. I'm not sure if that's the way to look at it. Or maybe I just smoke too much weed. That's possible too. But, you know, I don't think so. I'm going with my initial ideas.

38:31Computers will have a soul. Well, that's the big question. What the fuck is a soul? I mean, that's a question of what a soul is. That's a slippery goddamn question right there. I mean, is that real? Is a soul real? What is it? Is a soul energy? You know, is a soul the same in us as it is in all things? I mean, what if fucking desks have souls? What if wood has a soul? We don't know. I mean, I always say that to vegetarian friends. People would be like, oh, I don't eat meat. I don't believe in animal suffering. I understand that, and I appreciate that. I like animals too, but how do we not know that trees suffer? I talked to Daniel Pinchbeck, this psychedelic author dude. He told me that trees can feel pain and that they've proven it and that they can detect when people in a room, like when someone has done them harm, that you hook them up to some sort of a sensor

39:26and they can detect when the person has done harm, like they react when the person's in the room. So how do we not know we're not torturing trees? Trees are just some life form that we can't understand. You know, I mean, it might be just a less obvious version of us, you know, being willing to imprison dolphins, you know, maybe keeping a fucking plant in your house sucks for the plant. Maybe that's terrible for them. You know, can you imagine what it feels like to be some shitty plant that everybody forgets to water and you just sit there like half starving to death all the time? You know, we don't know. That's a form of life. Plants are a form of life. So whether you eat plants or you eat animals, man, for real? I don't think there's that much of a difference. Don't eat people, because people talk. They scream, supposedly. They did that on Mythbusters? Is that true, buddy?

40:17They did that on Mythbusters and they proved that the plants can't think or they can't feel you or react? because I'm pretty sure that was like scientific data from like a university he was quoting me. I don't know though. I will leave it up to you people to Google. I could Google that shit right now, but then I would be all distracted and I would not be able to keep my flow. Best vaporizer for like 200 bucks. This is a hilarious question. Vito Caputo. Do you think Fedor is a bitch? Yeah, totally. Yeah, it's just, go tell him. Go tell him he's a bitch. It's not like he's knocked out or submitted or beaten the fuck out of every human being he's faced. Yeah, what a bitch. What? And regardless of whether you like the UFC, you want to see that matchup or what, there's no way you can call that guy a bitch. That guy's a fucking savage. That guy's spooky. Hilarious.

41:19Stupid, stupid question, my friend. why am I getting the same Twitter messages over and over again stop cutting down trees this guy says yeah man we gotta live like Avatar brother try to read these and find one that's reasonably interesting god damn some of these questions are crazy the ghost in the machine yeah I mean look it's not my thought I mean a million people have come up with it they have movies on I mean the terminator idea that's all about it ray kurtz will all his ideas it's all based on the same ideas that technology's going somewhere. I mean, it kind of makes sense. It's like, you get caught up in John and Kate and fucking Tiger Woods and all this nonsense and everybody forgets. Everybody forgets what the fuck is really going on, that we're creating things. We have a culture. We're moving towards something. And it seems to me, as my armchair psychologist self,

42:33not even psychologist, armchair futurist, You know, that something's happening. You know, we're moving towards something. And all the blinders are in place to make sure that we keep going. All the blinders. I mean, that's one of the weirdest things about being a human being is that everybody goes through this life pretending like it's going to lead to something. That you're going to be able to be static. You know, instead of treating it as this wild, just temporary experience, everybody treats it like it's permanent. Like you're saving things and you're putting aside savings and you're, you know, you're planning for the future. And, you know, one day I'm going to make it. And we have this whole idea like you're going to get somewhere and then everything is going to stop. But that's just bullshit. No one's just being real with us about that. We're all temporary.

43:25And the fact that we don't address that and we don't embrace, really embrace the moment. That's like one of the most important things about being a human. is recognizing that this shit is just fleeting. It's going to come and it's going to go and you've got to just pile in as much enjoyment and pleasure and fun and positive energy as you can because that's really what it's all about. Spread as much as you can. Leave as much to help other people as you can. Say as much as you think that you think is going to help other people. I mean, that's really what it's all about. Meanwhile, we're all fucking planning for a bigger house, working on saving for a bigger TV constantly distracting ourselves with fucking items items and notions notions of retirement and the golden age and someday I'm going to do this but you're not doing shit it's right now is someday there's no someday

44:16there's this moment and this moment goes on forever there's a bunch of shit happening during this moment there's things that keep going on like the earth keeps spinning around a star and you keep getting tired and you have to rest for a little while but it's still the same goddamn moment. And we need to treat it like that. We need to treat it like it's one big thing, you know, and that it's not going to be here forever. It's one big fucking ride. And it lasts 80-something years, and then who knows? And who fucking knows? Why do you think America has never made a big deal out of Russia giving us the 9-11 monument. Hmm. I don't even know they did. I haven't thought about that. I don't know, um... I don't even know what that monument is. You know? I mean, look, the whole 9-11 thing, man. Who the fuck knows what that's all about? Who the fuck knows what any of it is all about?

45:23Do you write comedy or does it flow out? You have to write. very important you can't just flow it out because you'll forget a lot of the shit you say you know you have to write it down and uh writing it down helps you um come up with more things and branch off of it it takes longer to like to write a word than it does to think of the word you know you think like you're writing polar bear you know you polar bear you think about a polar bear instantly but you're you're writing about that polar bear as you're writing you're you you're in the act of putting down the letters, in the act of putting together the sentences, there's much, much, much more thinking. You know, that's one of the reasons why, um, my blogs, I think anybody's writing, you know, if you edit it will always sound much smoother, more precise, more concise

46:11than these retarding ramblings that I do on Ustream. And then the Ustream ramblings, I don't have any notes. I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't have a fucking clue. and that's for me that's the best way I do it because I just get on and I just start talking about shit and then just let it happen and let it flow out but like for for stand-up comedy you gotta do a lot of writing too it's gotta be both it's gotta be you gotta have the ability to just flow with things and like like like this weekend um something happened with the you know the killer whale thing and I when I was in dallas I had like 10 minutes on the killer whale but it was all shit that I had like written down that day and then just fucked around with that night, just went with it. So I think you got to have both. You have to have writing, but you have to have, you have to

46:55be able to flow with things too. You have to be able to take chances too. You know, you got to, comedy is like, it's like you have to have a roadmap. You have to know where you're going, but you can take little detours, you know, when you're on your way, you have a map, you know, where you're going to go. You could go off into the woods for a little while. And sometimes when you go off in the woods for a little while you get more interesting shit out of it you know and I think people appreciate it you know like when there's something that happens you know that day with like the killer whale and then a guy goes on stage that night and talks about it you know that this guy's just winging this I mean he wrote some stuff down but this isn't stuff he's worked on this isn't some material he's done a hundred times shit just happened yesterday you know

47:37there's something about that man it makes it more fun it makes it more more it's more alive or something. You know, people can be sure. You know, part of comedy is like the trick. And the trick is to make you think that I'm thinking about what I'm thinking right now. You know? But when you really can pull that off, it's like there's something extra special about it. So I think it's both. You know, I think it's both. You got to write and you got to fuck around too. What do I think of parallel universes? It says Ace of Spades, 1369. You know what is more fascinating to me? People with numbers in the end of their names. What's that all about? Especially when they have like 69. The Rocker 69. Shut the fuck up. Please. I'm in the 69, bro. I'm in the eating pussy while I get my dick sucked. That's why it's in my name. I'm crazy. Plus, you could have 69.

48:32They can't even tell you to take it down, man. You can't have, I'm Mike. I like to eat pussy while I get my dick sucked. That can't be your name. People would get upset at you. But you could just throw 69 there and give him a wink. Hey, man, what's that 69 at the end of your name about? Anyway, I forgot your fucking question. That's how dumb it was. Not really, sir. I'm just fucking around. I really did forget your question, though. Sure couldn't have been that fascinating. Jimmy Norton loves me. I love him, too. I'm going to see you in a couple weeks. are you smart because you're funny or funny because you're smart um you know funny is just being honest and recognizing all the fucking crazy shit that's going on it's like really comedy is like really just tuning into the the retardedness of the universe because it's like it's all there for you you know I mean you're you write it down

49:27you expose it but it's like you know the raw materials are all there it's like mining for diamonds in a room filled with diamonds. I mean, that's what it's like. Stand-up comedy in America in 2010, it literally is like, you know, like, what do you do? Oh, I go out and I find money. Where's the money? Oh, it's everywhere on the ground. I mean, that's really what it's like. It's like your raw material is life itself. And that's what you mind. You mind life, the ridiculousness of life. Whenever you see warranted, warranted irony, warranted things to be mocked, warranted stupid shit when it's all right in front of your face. People complaining about Avatar, you know. Meanwhile, we got two wars going on. No one says a peep. I have not read Christopher Hitchens God is Not Great, but that guy is a pretty badass arguer. He's really good at trouncing people. I enjoy watching him lash Christians.

50:27You know, fundamentalist Christians. He gives them a beating. it's pretty interesting no I never got a copy of the YouTube show that I didn't save it was much like this one I was just fucking around talking and I forgot to save it this time I know what the fuck I did wrong I will make sure that I save it what do I think about the couple inches that the axis has shifted I don't know if it's really a couple inches But apparently the earthquake in Chile was so big that it shortened our day. It changed our day by like a millisecond, like a fraction of a millisecond, whatever it is. But it's a measurable amount that it shortened our day. That's how, because it changed the distribution of the mass in the earth. How fucking crazy is that? The earthquake was so strong, it shortened our day. which makes you think like when earth gets hit by meteors like giant fucking asteroids like the one

51:33that killed the dinosaurs I wonder if that like can shorten or lengthen the day I mean it seems like it could right it seems like it only makes sense that it would like if you add mass to the earth so these these things are gigantic you know 500 mile across hunks of metal and rock and shit from space if they come slamming into the earth doesn't that that has to increase the mass of the earth, right? Unless it knocks off just as much as it puts back. And that's how like, that's how they believe the earth developed a moon. They believe there was earth one and earth two and earth one got hit by a fucking planet. We got hit by a planet. And apparently that happens. Like that's, that's one of the crazy, can you imagine that we were about to get hit by a planet? You know, imagine if you look up and Mars is like right fucking

52:23there like right behind the moon and coming towards us and there's nothing we can do about it what the fuck like that's possible in some solar systems that happens to earth it's happened before there's a thing called bode's law and bode's law is the way it works I believe I've been told at least by the scientist fellow he told me that uh the mass of there's certain things they measure about a planet particularly the mass but a few other things too and in measuring those they can pretty accurately judge where the next planet will be in that solar system. Well, it applies to all the planets in our solar system except to Mars and Jupiter. Because Mars and Jupiter apparently, according to this gentleman, I'm not sure if it's correct, look it up, Google it please. He said that Mars and Jupiter, in fact, there should be a planet in between them, according to Bode's law.

53:16But there is not. Instead, there is an asteroid belt, which makes some theorize that that is the result of another planetary collision or maybe the same one that created Earth. That like something got fucking cracked. Like, I guess it happens a lot. You know, it's even written about in the Sumerian text. the Sumerian text depicts you know this is some shit that was written like 6,000 years ago on clay tablets depicts that that's also how Earth was created it depicts that we these two planets called Tiamat and Marduk collided and they created Earth it's very similar to our own Earth 1 and Earth 2 hypothesis so it's really fucking fascinating shit man the idea that the universe is static. It's not static at all. You know, the center of every single galaxy is a supermassive black hole that's exactly one half of one percent of the mass of the galaxy. So the bigger the galaxy,

54:18the bigger the supermassive black hole. And those things are just eating stars up all the time. I mean, you see like the big spiral around like black holes. They're eating. They're eating planets. It's getting forced into the event horizon. It's really, really, really nutty shit. you know we could get hit by a fucking planet I mean that could be real fucking asteroid we can get hit by a goddamn planet I mean it hasn't happened you know in billions and billions and billions of years it's not likely to happen but what if it happens it's fucking nuts tiamat and marduk babylonian gods made the earth yeah it's all this it's all from the same part of the earth or yeah it's from iraq where iraq is today used to be sumer and the sumerian text all talks about the creation of the earth and you you could dismiss it but they knew a lot of shit

55:12they first of all they they had a very accurate depiction of our um of uh our solar system with all the planets in the correct size and the correct orbit including pluto and we didn't know about Pluto until 1930. So who the fuck knows, but they also talk about beings from another planet that supposedly created human beings using genetic engineering. It's very, very possible that what we get with these old, old civilizations that had a tremendous amount of knowledge, it's very possible that what that is is the remnants of an even earlier civilization that was possibly wiped out. Like our idea that Earth, that it moves on a very linear, that our society progresses on a very linear line that's easy to follow. You know, like there's cavemen, and at the end there's human beings in 2010. That's very disputed. There's a lot of people. Graham Hancock is one of my favorites.

56:15John Anthony West is another. There's another of these, a lot of these archaeologists that support the idea that it's very possible that human beings have been around way, way, way longer than we think. Like 30, 40, hundreds of thousands of years. Like we don't know. That our culture, the reason why our culture is so advanced today over such a short period of time is because we're really relearning complex things like technology and tools and electricity and the internet. And in fact, these old cultures that had all this knowledge, knowledge of genetics that existed in the Sumerian culture and all that, the reason why these people had this is because that's knowledge that they got from an even earlier culture that was probably wiped out by some fucking super volcano or an earthquake or a meteor. Who knows?

57:02I mean, there's a lot of evidence that some crazy shit has happened over and over and over again on this planet. and not just crazy shit like killing the dinosaurs, but crazy shit like during our lifetime. Human beings were certainly around 10,000 years ago. But not only that, you know what else was around 10,000 years ago? Fucking woolly mammoths and saber-toothed tigers and half of North America was under a mile-high sheet of ice. There was a crazy ice age going on and it ended almost instantaneously with these animals becoming extinct almost instantaneously. And there's a lot of people that theorize That's because of some sort of a natural cataclysmic disaster, some sort of a meteor impact or something fucking nutty that wiped out all the woolly mammoths, all the saber-toothed tigers, fucked up all cultures all over the world and sort of reset human civilization.

57:50And that it's possible that people existed a long, long, long time before that. And that culture existed a long, long time before that. You know, and people say, well, where's the evidence of that culture? That's the real tricky thing because what evidence would there be? You ever see that? There's a Discovery Channel show, I believe it is, Life After People, which shows how quickly things get eaten up. In Detroit, Detroit is so bad right now. The economy is so fucked up and crazy that bears are moving back into Detroit. They have bear sightings in the fucking city. That's no bullshit because they're so desolate. There's so many houses are abandoned and these houses, plants are growing up through the fucking floorboards. I mean, it's only been a few years and nature is already trying to devour these buildings. Nature's trees are covering these.

58:40And this is a cold-ass fucking climate where these trees can only grow, you know, a few months out of the year. It's really, really nutty shit. There's some images in Russia there, too, of all these different places in Russia that were abandoned after the fall of the Soviet Union. And these places were abandoned and now nature is just taking them over. Or trees are growing through buildings and just literally consuming things. I think that it's probably difficult to find evidence of a culture a couple thousand years ago. Unless it's in stone. The stuff that we find from thousands of years ago, it's like the pyramid type stuff. Stone things. Those things last forever. Stone tablets. Clay pottery. Stone buildings. That shit lasts forever. But metal? Electronics? That shit's going to be gone. That stuff will just get eaten up by the earth and swallowed.

59:33Evidence of a culture 30,000 years ago? That's ridiculous. There's not going to be anything. It'll all get swallowed. You know, I mean, there are so many temples that they find that are swallowed up by the rainforest in South America. Mayan temples. Incredibly complex pyramids and all these different things that are covered up by rainforests. There's probably hundreds of them that they've never found. They just waited too long. And they're just covered up by trees. When they're in Mexico City, they're always like building things and then finding really old, you know, Mayan ruins underneath Mexico City. They find that shit all the time where they have to halt construction because they found some monuments and they found some, you know, ancient walls or something. And it turns out there's a whole goddamn city down there.

60:20Not a lot of evidence, not a lot of evidence happens after, you know, just 10,000 years. So I have a feeling that what we get out of the Sumerian culture and all these people that knew all these things, that knew about Mars or knew about Pluto and knew about genetic engineering, all these ideas, it's very possible, very, very possible that what they knew was just some shit that ancient, ancient civilizations who were just as advanced as us maybe became advanced in a different way but just as advanced as us, that they had figured it out. you know like that that's so true with so many different cultures you know and the idea that like you know people read the sumerian text and they say well you know these these sumerians say that the anunnaki came from another galaxy and you know they they created humans with you know

61:09with genetic engineering so well there it's written in stone it's got to be true no people are full of shit in 2010 you don't think they were full of shit 5 000 years bc the Sumerian text could easily be 6,000 years ago's version of Scientology. It's very, very, very, very possible. You know, just because it's written down on rocks doesn't mean it's real. You know, we don't know. There's a lot of goddamn questions. All right. I'm only going to ramble for a little bit longer because I got to get the fuck out of here because I got to go to Canada, bitches. Oh, shit. Like I said, I'm headed there this weekend. Very excited. Can't wait. Looking forward to it. Very much so. I am going to Casino Nova Scotia in Halifax Thursday night. And then Friday night, I'm in the Branson Center in Ottawa. And then Saturday night, Queen Elizabeth Theater in Toronto. You dirty bitches.

62:06And thank you everyone for coming out to these shows. I'm real excited. It's the most fun thing that I do for sure. I love working for the UFC. and I love, I mean, I love a lot of different things that I've done, but nothing's more fun than comedy. It's just, it's the craziest, most open-ended art form, you know, and it's the art form that I have the most control over. So it's just, you know, you can be the freest. You can show people exactly what you're thinking, say exactly what's on your mind. And this too, and this thing, I think, you know, I talked to a comic about this. He was saying, you do your rambling on this YouTube thing, or this Ustream thing, rather. He said, aren't you eating up some material? I said, not really. I think I'm coming up with material doing this, because I'm not crazy, so I never get a chance to just talk like this.

63:02I never get a chance to have a one-way conversation. This is like a one-way conversation. You can't talk back. I mean, I'm listening to some of the shit that you say on the Twitter, but I mean I'm not you don't get to talk I only get to talk for an hour and that's very unnatural and I think rambling long rants like that that's like that's the best way that's the best way to come up with new shit there's writing and writing is important too but this is another interesting component and I think doing these Ustream things has been taking my material to another level another level yes doing the Ustream thing doing what? doing the Ustream things has been taking my material to another level I think it gives me more of an opportunity to fuck around, more of an opportunity to just rant about shit when you rant about shit, sometimes you're ranting about shit

63:55with a buddy and then he'll say something and you forget what you were going to say and then you go back to it but you don't have it anymore but with this, it's like one hour I think I'm going to switch to doing it twice a week though. I think what I'm going to do is like this one hour and I'm going to do it twice a week. So Wednesday and I might do Monday too. So as of right now, we're going to leave it as is. I'm just going to keep doing Wednesdays but I think I'm going to try to do it twice a week. I think it's better to do a little less time a little more often. And I wouldn't want to listen to me talk for more than a fucking hour and you know, if you're at work listening to me ramble for more than an hour, Jesus goddamn Christ, go to work. Get your shit done. Unless you can get your shit done. while you're doing what I'm doing, listening to me.

64:39And then I would say, God damn, you got a mindless ass job. If you can listen to my nonsense and still get done what you're doing, no problem whatsoever. What are you doing? You fixing shoes? What are you doing? Nothing wrong with fixing shoes. All right, ladies and gentlemen, I think that's it. This guy says plus one twice a week. Yeah, well, we're going to have all the shows up in MP3. Brian Redband just finished a site that he wrote. and in the next day or two, we'll have that new site up and the new site will have the ability to directly podcast. So it'll all be on iTunes. I know I keep fucking promising that, but whatever, you can get this. I mean, it's better to have it on podcast form, but you can watch this. If you're going to watch it, you're going to watch it. All right. Thank you very much. I really do enjoy doing these things and I really appreciate that

65:29all you motherfuckers come out and I appreciate that all you guys come to shows and uh as crazy as they get and as much as it seems like total chaos I fucking I love it all I love it all and I'm uh very thankful I'm very happy that you guys keep coming out so uh I'll see you in canada next week I'm in tempe arizona I'm at the tempe improv next thursday friday saturday can't fucking wait I'll be there with my road dog ari shafir and uh brian red band will be there too. And by then should have the new site up and should have all the MP3s and all the podcasts should be available on iTunes. So thank you very much, everybody. And I will see you next Wednesday or Monday if I decide to start doing it twice a week. All right, bitches. Thanks again.