Brendon Walsh (Part 4)

00:00I just heard me doing stand-up. Gene Simmons came to see me do stand-up at New Year's in L.A. And his son listened to one of my CDs and liked it, so he dragged the whole family out. Oh, wow. I've never been starstruck before at a show where I was like, I feel weird. I'm about to go on stage. I'm about to go on stage. It wasn't a normal show. It just couldn't be a normal show. It was just too weird to me. When I was a little kid, like a little seven or eight years old or whatever the fuck I was, I guess I was probably like 11 when Kiss was big. I remember thinking they were the greatest thing in the history of the world. This is the greatest band of all time. I was a huge, huge Kiss fan. So to be standing there as a grown man, and he's a grown man, and we're at my show, I'm like, that's just too fucking weird. This is too much for me. I had to address it. I had to address it.

00:51I shifted my whole act around so I could address it. Can't do that whole Gene Simmons funk. A music thing. No, no, Gene Simmons, Chuck. Luckily, I didn't, right? There are some people, there are some young girls who would be more starstruck by Gene Simmons' son if she saw the two of them walking down the street, or some young kids in general. Well, he's a reality star. Yeah. He's a handsome devil. Comic-killer. Very tall. The whole family is very tall. When they were hugging me, I felt like their child. All of them towered. Were the cameras following them around for the reality show? No, it was legit. It was just a regular show. Did you know there's an abandoned zoo in L.A., in Griffith Park? An abandoned zoo? Yeah, it closed in the 1960s. It was the first zoo in Los Angeles. They closed it down because it was so fucking small, and so they raised money for the current zoo,

01:46and so it was like a mile down the street. And so now I found out the other day that you can actually go to this zoo. It's still there. You can walk through it. Yeah, they filmed the movie Anchorman. There's a scene in it from that movie. So anyways, you go through this weird trail, and you go through this parking lot, and then you end up in this zoo, and it looks like this is where the tigers were. This is where the elephants were. And then there's all these cages where there used to be gorillas and stuff like that. And what's so cool, it's fucking creepily... It's been grown over. There's plants and stuff like that, and half of the shit's still standing. The other half's crumbling. But people hang out there and bring blankets. and there was like people playing the doors in one of the cells. So you're just walking down and you hear Jim Morrison just kind of echoing throughout.

02:32This sounds a little fantastical. I mean, I live really close to there and it's not that weird. It's just a field. Right when you drive in off Riverside there, it's just up past the merry-go-round thing. And there's a big field and then some old cages. Yeah, you're freaking me out, man. I don't know about these doors parties. And then we walked. There's a man who works there. Did you go to the old house? And he talked to us. He told us where to go, and it turns out he's been dead for five years. See, we climbed through where the animals walk up and down, or through the back. And there was people, graffiti artists, really awesome. Oh, you saw this? Yeah. Oh, okay. And behind the gate, there was a big drawing of a gorilla face screaming behind this gate. Imagine if somebody just clubbed you over the head, and the next thing you know, there was a dick in your ass. Yeah, I know. Imagine. I know.

03:26I mean, it is creepy. Oh, that was in the dream, too. What I thought was the creepiest, though, it was mostly women and girls just hanging out there. What was going on? Smoking weed and stuff like that. So it's a hangout. People hang out there. Yeah, it's like a park, almost. But it was at night? No, during the day. So it's a former zoo that you can walk through. Yeah. Anybody can walk through. Yeah, and it closed in the 60s. and then you can really explore and there's a lot of trails and you can find like old things that like you can't, it would be really cool to see the blueprint and like, oh, all right, this is where this used to be. This is where it is. Because there's a, it's like a ghost town. It's creepy as fuck. I thought I saw most of it but it sounds, what you're saying is, yeah. I was working for a private investigator once and I used to have to do a lot of driving for him and we were out

04:10in the middle of fucking nowhere, like way, way far away and I was driving back home and I was bored and I don't remember the town but it was a town in the middle of fucking nowhere. And I saw a sign that said the zoo for whatever the fuck this town was. I mean, I'm in the middle of nowhere. So I pull in. I go, okay, let's see what this fucking zoo's all about. So I go there. There's a tiger that is in like a swimming pool. I mean, this fucking thing has nowhere to move. And it keeps pacing back and forth and back and forth. And that's as far as I got. I got to that thing. And I was just so freaked out by the obvious madness that I was seeing that they had taken some animal and put it into what is really like a swimming pool. And this fucking thing is just going back and forth and back and forth, and there's no room for him. Oh, so like a swimming pool on its side? No, like, I mean, when I say a swimming pool,

04:59it's like the size of a swimming pool, and it's cement. I mean, it's just this weird fucking thing that this poor creature is stuck in, and he's pacing back and forth, and I'm watching him. I'm like, this is madness. like there's some like really tiny ass zoos in some places oh man poor little fucking animals are just you know even if you go to a nice zoo though does that not ever freak you out i i can't i don't like that feeling of looking at these i mean it's cool that we can see them all i mean i was spoiled it's educational i grew up one by one of the best zoos and probably some people consider the whole country or whatever the columbus zoo where jack hannah's from you know and all that stuff. So our zoo was a little bit cooler. Like they had, cause it's Ohio, they had like farmland, you know, where it was just like, this elephant was in like its own, like woods. Like it was like,

05:49it didn't look like a cage. It was just, you know, big, huge exhibits. Do you think it bothers them though? Okay. I don't know. If it gets big enough, then it's okay. Is that the justification? I think, I think like, do you know, do you know that you're on, you know, where you're at right now? You know, if you grew up on an island, like Hawaii or something like that, I mean, that's way bigger but you know elephants they just want a big thing of grass i don't think they care like to go hiking are you saying that elephants are in hawaii i'm so confused what the fuck did hawaii figure into your equation i'm talking about like if animals have enough space if they have like you know football fields i agree i went to the san diego yeah san diego wild animal park is pretty dope and like the one animals that definitely seem happy are the giraffes they're

06:30just kind of like chilling and eating and wandering around and there's like no one there to jack them You know, which is, if you're like a gazelle or an antelope or a fucking giraffe or anything, you're always thinking something's going to jack you eventually. You know? You ever see the videos of them taking down giraffes? Of lions taking down giraffes? There's a bunch of them online. It is crazy, man. It's crazy. One of them, there's a lion and two lionesses, and they take down this giraffe in the middle of a street. And these people are filming this from their fucking car. They're inside their car And they're filming it through the windshield And this fucking lion Takes down this giraffe right in front of them It's wild, dude It's so fucking primal You're right there And this thing is just That shirt is so badass Yeah, I got a Bert Kreischer t-shirt on Does he sell those? I think so

07:26That is fucking beautiful It says I am the machine If you don't know, Bert Kreischer has a fucking hilarious story That he told on this podcast was this amazing story of him in Russia. And it's so funny that somebody animated that one, right? Yeah, and I think if I remember correctly, it's like in the hundreds of thousands now. Yeah, it's fucking hilarious. I'll find it later and I'll tweet it tonight. But, you know, Bert Kreischer, he's been on the podcast a bunch of times and he's one of the funniest guys ever. It's a crazy story. I heard it. He did it at the improv. He's so funny, man. He's such a fun guy to be around, man. Yeah, I didn't realize his, like, history. I mean, I just, you know, he's just the guy that I met around doing comedy but I didn't know that he was like the king of college partiers in 1987. Van Wilder was like... He's such a nice guy. It's so weird.

08:13He's a partier, yeah, but he doesn't have a fucking mean bone in his mouth. And he hangs out with his fans, like that one guy that Monkey Todd did that awesome Nancy Grace video, by the way. Did you see that Nancy Grace video? It was beautiful. Dude called up Nancy Grace and asked Nancy Grace what is it, who you want to marry, fuck, or kill? and he asked her would you rather want to marry, kill, or fuck Red Band, Sam Tripoli, or Jason Tebow and he says this on TMZ live, really? Nancy Grace is just sitting there like, you could kind of look like she was going to smile but then you become angry and then Monkey Todd goes, and would you dry hump Sam Tripoli and then Harvey, the TMZ host this was their first serious interview I heard, they were really like, wow, this is the first time we have a serious interview Harvey was like, is this serious? Really? It's uncomfortable to watch that video, don't you think?

09:06No, she's a nonsense person. She is not. Dead babies in Florida. Did you know she was that big? That's what keeps her in office. Did you know she was that big? I didn't know she was that big. Yeah, well, you know, fretting about dead babies in Florida allows you a lot of freedom to eat Cheetos and stuff your face with ringdings. The dead babies? It doesn't seem possible. Is this ring ding about, don't eat this ring ding? Is this baby in Florida going to be alive now? I don't think so. She just eats it. It's hard to stay slim when there's so many dead babies. It's hard to stay slim. And she has babies. She has twin babies, which doesn't seem right. She doesn't seem like childbearing. It seems like that should be physically impossible. Her eggs should be just fucking fighting to the death in there. I question it. Her eggs should look like a gladiator scene. Yeah. Just fighting each other.

10:03Can you imagine she just had the best pussy ever? Just juicy. No way. Just like a fist. Yeah. Imagine. Just like it's jerking you off with her vagina muscles. Have you seen that Russian bitch online that can carry like 30 pounds with her pussy? What? With piercings? I don't know how it works. She doesn't really show the gash. But she's got videos on how to control your pussy muscles so that you can pick up weight. She would just fucking crush your dick. Just get it in there. Maybe it would be too tight. Maybe it would be uncomfortable, like a wrestling match with your dick. Yeah. You know, like dogs. Like dogs, when they fuck, they've got a real problem because dogs have a bone. And that bone gets locked in there like a fish hook. And sometimes they get stuck. Right. It's fucking painful. Cats are jagged dicks. What? Yeah. Have you ever seen a cat dick? It's jagged. What are you doing jerking off cats, son? Well.

10:54Why'd you see a cat dick? But that's why if you hear cats. Nobody else says. That's why if you ever hear cats fucking, they're screaming. Oh, wow. So it's painful? It's painful for the female cat. That's nuts. You should Google cat penis right now. You'll be shocked. It looks like a... I've been tricked before, but not that easily, Brian. Not that easily. Cat penis. Cat penis. Seriously, look at it. I guess I need to know. Everybody knows what a dog dick looks like, but very few people know. Yeah, I've never seen my cat's penis. No. You've never seen it? No. You didn't go take a look? Okay. I see little Barbie-looking things. Cat penis spines, they are called. My goodness. He's telling the truth. This is horrific. Nature is so ruthless. You know what it is? That's to ensure that the male stays in there and shoots its load. This is horrendous. Nature is so goddamn vicious. What a vicious fucking animal nature is.

11:45Well, if girl cats would just loosen up a little bit, they would have made their Barbie penis. That's a wild world we're living in. The world of the cats. you know big cats like jaguars or little baby cats out there killing mice it's just the same thing it's a wild world of fucking moving and killing things smaller than you you know you can't we can't even understand what it must be like to try to get some cat pussy you know could you imagine could you imagine this bitch is in agony she wants to fuck so bad she's in agony but she knows you're gonna rip her insides up with that needly dick yeah yeah and she wants you to just fuck me with no needles. The needles are part of the package. And they just circle each other. That could be a good, like, let's write that script. Cat man, but he just has a Barbie penis. Well, that's why dude cats, you know what they like?

12:38They like those fluffy cats that just give up. You know, like, what are those called? What is yours called? Persians. Persians. Persians just give up. They're just little slutty cats. Yeah. They just relax and just take it. That's why a big tomcat with a Persian cat around the house So he can just fuck it random She's not going to fight back much She's going to barely fight back She can't fuck with him Big black street cat It's like the Kardashians They're Persian aren't they? No they're Armenian Did you make a joke about Armenians somewhere on Twitter recently? No I don't think so Have you ever worn a long sleep shirt? Oh no Jen Kirkman tweeted something Yeah she tweeted something about What is it, an Armenian holiday today or something? I don't know, is it? She said something. She said she wasn't going to make any sarcastic tweets about the Kardashians in honor of some Armenian day. And I called her an ass kisser.

13:32That was the whole. I didn't say anything negative about Armenians. I know you would never do that, right? I would never say anything negative about a group of people that proud. Armenians, they love being Armenian. There's not a lot of Armenians who are like, fuck, I wish I wasn't Armenian. You know, they love being Armenians, you know. They're proud people. Cairo Parisian, dude who used to fight in the UFC. Fucking what a personality that guy has. He's hilarious. I got this thing that we were having lunch. I got to ask him if I could put this video out. It's a video of him joking around about his nickname was The Heat. And joking around about giving girls the heat and telling them, what are you doing? You're taking the heat, the heat, take the heat. He's like yelling about it. He's like, he's so Armenian. You know what I mean? It's so fucking hilarious.

14:20You know those really aggressive, funny Armenian type guys? Yeah. I mean, I don't know a ton of them. I've only lived out here for a few years. They're like extreme Italians. A few years. Yeah. They're like Italians. Italians with extremes. Yeah, exactly. I actually had Armenians hook me up at the tire center the other day, which was the most weirdest thing. There were six Armenians. They all came out, circled around the car, and were like, hey, how's it going? Oh, you got two nails in your tires. We'll change them and patch them. And he goes, you know what? It's on us. And I'm like, what? Really? Dude, that's awesome. the fuck is that? You always hear bad things about Russian people and Armenian people and people from what we consider hard places. I've meet a lot of great Armenian people. Armenian people have a lot of passion. There's something about real ethnic groups. A real group like the Armenians.

15:08They stick to their culture. When I was growing up, I always thought culture was kind of bullshit. Who gives a fuck? Does it really matter if you behave exactly the way everybody else behaves? But when you see a really tight-knit ethnic community, and you appreciate not that they're racist or biased against anybody else, but that they have this real distinct flavor to them. The way they behave, the things they like. They have this real distinct, real uniqueness to it that makes it interesting. It's one of the interesting things about life. One of the things I was thinking about when I was in New Orleans this weekend, I was like, this is a completely different way to live your life. Like here there's these people that are living, this is a totally different flavor, a very unique flavor of its own. It almost was like a race. Like New Orleans people are almost like it's from another country.

16:00But I think that when people get assimilated, the perfect thing is to have everybody be cool with everybody. And there's no people who are prejudiced against any particular group because we're all some sort of weird shade of gray now. We've all interbred to the point where there's no distinctiveness between, you know, no way of distinguishing us between anybody else. We're all just one sort of individual type of thing. But along the way, man, we're going to lose a lot of fun. You know, there's a lot of fun in people being weird. There's a lot of fun in, you know, Armenian dudes who are like wearing gold chains and trying to get some pussy. Those guys are awesome, man. Those guys are fucking characters, man. What about the Kardashians, though? Armenians are proud of that. Yeah. No, but is that like, if you make fun of the Kardashians, is an Armenian guy going to punch me in the face?

16:48I don't think they claim them. I don't think the Armenians claim them. Yeah. Because it seems like she's trying to be a white girl. It's different. I think Armenian women, I don't want to speak for Armenian women, so they'll say. Well, listen, they have to forget about whatever the fuck. Is she worthwhile? Is she worth anything? What's the point? We're talking about her. She's entertaining. Just as like Max and Ruby is a cartoon that my kids love. It's this little rabbit show. It's a fucking show. It's entertaining. Maybe not to you. I've never heard of it. I don't have kids. To someone, this Kardashian show is fucking awesome. All right? Oh, I guess so. To that person, they deserve it. As ridiculous as it is. So I don't know. I don't know if the Armenians claim her, but they should. You see that? She's a badass bitch when it comes to being good at that.

17:38You know, you got to recognize Paris Hilton. Yeah. Well, she took the Paris Hilton thing to some completely new level to the point where every time I'm at the airport, I'm throwing my fucking sneakers into a bin. I'm looking at her face. There's like ads where it's her and a couple other famous people. And I'm like, wow, this girl started off in a fucking porno movie. Yeah. Now I'm putting my change on her face. it's so strange you know but you gotta I love it I love the madness of it I love how ridiculous it is I've gotten to the point where I love Rick Perry I see him talk and I know I know he's a stuttering fuck I know he's just like Bush I know he's gonna do the exact same shit maybe even weirder you know maybe even where he reminds me of dude yeah Josh Brolin playing W in the movie that's what he reminds I look at him, but I like it. I like that he's there. I'm enjoying that he's there.

18:35I mean, yeah, but then it's just like, so. I don't know what it is. Just giving up on everything. I mean, I'm kind of in the same boat where it's like, all right. I mean, I can either be walking around like furious out of my mind all the time or just like don't really pay attention to it and enjoy the absurdity of it all. Is it possible? Like watching Mitt Romney and Rick Perry, like I just saw on the news. I don't know what they were like debating each other. and it's like... Who's crazier? Who believes in crazier shit? they're the same dude. Like, that's like from an 80s movie. They're like politicians. They're like the archetype, like bad politician guy from like an 80s movie or something. It's just like this like robot dude. They're both exactly the same. I think we're getting... And that's like your choice. We're getting a real clear message. A real clear message with politics over the last decade or so.

19:26It's that what you're seeing on television, the people that are talking, that's the guy who got that spot. That's all that is. And that guy is instructed, he's pushed into a certain direction by all the people who got him to that position. It's so clear. It's so obvious. There can be no denying it. When you look at it now, to take it seriously, as in to take it to think that there's really some sort of a big vote going on and we're going to change the way the whole thing works. Hey, I hear they're going to throw out the Federal Reserve. Really? Yeah, it's going to go back to the only living by the Constitution. We're going to cut the number of laws back dramatically. We're going to let people have states' rights again. Yeah, we're going to get rid of all these. How long would that last? Oh, yeah. They would kill that guy. They would kill that guy in a heartbeat. Oh, yeah, of course.

20:14We all agree to that, right? Just the guy saying, like, no, I don't think I can sign that bill called the Clean Air Act that actually lets you pollute more. Well, people tell you, well, that's ridiculous. You're being cynical. This is a terrible message to send out. You haven't really researched this enough to be absolutely accurate. Yet you're saying this damaging thing that voting doesn't change anything. And you're sending a terrible message to people. But at what point in time are you allowed to be objective? At what point in time do you look at a guy like Obama who acts like a Republican and does all this creepy shit that if GW was doing it, liberals would be fucking calling in to newspapers every day and protesting every day? He's doing shit that's just like the stuff that Bush did. And yet somehow or another, yeah, absolutely. Somehow or another, liberals aren't even saying anything about it.

21:01It's so bizarrely creepy and so bizarrely weird. Just like Windows versus PC. It's like the same sort of retard battle going on. It's the same sort of weird control over some fucking boat that doesn't even have a steering wheel. It's like one day you break into the fucking main cabin. All right, we finally got to the head of the boat. There's no steering wheel on this fucking boat. There's nothing. There's no instruments. It's smooth as glass. You can't affect this fucking thing at all. You could spend your whole life chipping away at this insanely corrupt system. Good luck. Look at when you see anybody that challenges any of the mainstream ideas that we've come to accept. Look at a guy like Ron Paul. They duck that fucking guy every chance they get. I've seen polls where they ignore the number one guy and focus on the two and three. The real battle between Rick Perry and Mitt Romney.

21:51And they were literally ignoring that Ron Paul was winning things. Just ignoring them. Just not even talking about them. Because he's just telling them they're doing everything wrong. We're doing everything wrong. The people are going, yes! And the TV people are going, oh, no, no. When Howard Dean said, yeah! But he fucked up. But is that really fucking up? He fucked up. He fucked up. He fucked up. I think they set him up, too. I mean, it was manipulated. Like, they took that footage and really twisted it into something. Well, I remember it was morning mattress material. You know, there was a show that I always think of when I think of morning shows. Charles Laquadera, The Mattress in the Morning in Boston. Oh, okay. They would play something along these lines. Yeah. So you know that every fucking single wacky morning zoo radio station played, Ah! Yeah, yeah. He had that crazy yell that he yelled out.

22:44And it became a joke. It became a national joke in a matter of days. You remember it, right? Howard Dean did a campaign speech, and he's like, and then we're going to Vermont, then we're going to go to New Hampshire. Yeah! And all they did was take that yeah, and they're like, no fucking way, dude. You can't ever yeah like that and be president. But it was manipulated where they took it from his body mic when he was yelling to a couple thousand people. Granted, but could you imagine if Obama ever yeah'd like that? Well, ever since Howard Dean did that, you're not allowed to show any emotion anymore. I mean, they have playbooks now where they're like, no, don't show any emotion. Just put the, this is still in when you make your fist, like put your thumb out a little. Isn't it amazing? And don't ever answer a fucking question. No matter what you do, never fucking give a direct, definitive answer.

23:33And once people decide that Howard Dean is done, Howard Dean is done. He's just pushed to the side. Like he was the front runner. Yeah. He was the number one guy. A surgeon from Vermont. Brilliant man. Brilliant man. Great speaker. Got a little emotional. Good morals. Yeah. Get the fuck out of here. You know, I kind of like him even more now because he's so uncensored when he talks about things. And Vermont's a very interesting place, too. He's from Vermont. It's amazing. It's like it's really northern and rural, but it's really smart. Have you ever done a gig there? Yeah. I've done a gig in Burlington when I was living in Boston. I did a weekend there once. It was fucking great, man. I was like, wow, what a crazy. And they were like, winters are tough, though. Yeah. That's what everybody said. I have a friend who lives in Brattleboro. Yeah? And yeah, winters are fucking, I wouldn't want to be there in the winter.

24:19There's a certain quality of your life that you sacrifice when you live in some place that's brutally cold. Well, it's the way, it's so rural that you have, everybody's got like a 45 foot kind of dirt driveway thing. And then when it snows and freezes, it's like, I can't drive my truck down there. It'll fucking slide into a tree. Well, up in Big Bear, a lot of people drive around with fucking chains on. Yeah, yeah. I think you're required. I think you're required in certain areas, at least you used to be. I know they make studded snow tires and shit, so you can deal with that. A lot of people in Colorado, they have that. No, chains are required, yeah. But a place like Vermont, it's fucking cold for a good five or six months. It's really cold. Fuck is it beautiful up there, though, man. It's one of the few places that hasn't been fucked with.

25:06You know, because there's just, you know, it's a fairly small population. And it's got an incredible amount of wildlife, an incredible amount of like woods and just beautiful nature shit to look at. You know, when you're driving, they drive up to Burlington. You're like, God, look how beautiful it is. Yeah. Just clear air and not that many people. And it's almost. No outdoor advertising in Vermont, too. No billboards, no outdoor. You can't advertise outdoors? Wow. Yeah, they're real hippie. That's where Ben and Jerry comes from. Yeah. You know, Ben and Jerry's ice cream? They came from Vermont. They're real super hippie up there. Are they up there still? Yeah, you can actually go to the factory. And do the dudes live up there too? Or do they fucking fake it and they're in Miami? Kidding their dick suck. What? I don't know. Sucking each other's dick.

25:55Can you imagine if they just became super rich and then just became ballers, but then they have to put on the fucking Birkenstocks for their ad campaigns? They just want to be out there doing blow. That's a funny idea. That'd be a funny sketch for Mad TV. Fake hippies. Like fake Ben and Jerry. Those guys, and when they get big, they're like P. Diddy and fucking just totally shift gears. Or Ben and Jerry's becomes like McDonald's where a different guy plays it in every store. Hey, I'm Ben. I'm Jerry. Yeah, yeah. We started off this company. Yeah, you have a fucking Ben and Jerry's show that goes on before the actual ice cream gets served. Yeah, yeah. I'm Ben, and he's Jerry. Are you sure? I thought I was Jerry. Yeah. Yeah, how the fuck did that McDonald's thing happen? Remember when there's real clowns dressing up as McDonald's and you can go to McDonald's certain days and Ronald McDonald would be there?

26:42And you're like, holy shit. Ronald McDonald's going to be at this one. And people would get excited about it. How ruthless is McDonald's? They still do that. I had a roommate who was a clown. Really? He would do Ronald McDonald shit, appearances. Amazing, man. What a tricky way to rope kids in and eat your fucking food. Yeah, man. I was just thinking that about, the most delicious cereal. It's all the worst shit for you. It's all the ones with the big attractive cartoon faces on it. It literally is designed to get little kids to go, ooh, look! It speaks to them. A cereal called Cookie Crisp? That's not going to be appealing to a kid? Well, you could have a cereal box that was all white that said Captain Crunch peanut butter. And you would look at it and go, fuck yeah. You could be completely white with black letter. But to a kid, that's going to be completely unattractive. Because they can't fucking read.

27:32They're getting them before they even can read. All the little kid has to see that and go, I want this. I want this. My three-year-old can't read, but she looks at Captain Crunch and it looks fun. You look at Fruity Pebbles, it looks fun. Dude, what's the blueberry? They still make boo-berry and all that? Yeah, I saw it yesterday. Did you know boo-berry in Ohio, there was no such thing as boo-berry. They had only the strawberry and the chocolate. But then I would go on vacation in Florida. What was the frankenstein name? Frankenberry and... Did you feel left out? Did you feel like... I would go to Florida on vacation and buy boxes of it as a kid. Load up a U-Haul with Boo Berry. Yeah, my mom would be like, Mom, please, this is my favorite series. She would spend like $30 and buy as much Boo Berry $30. Did you feel discriminated against? It was rude. There's no reason for that. Boo Berry's the best one

28:16and you don't sell it in certain markets. I don't think I've ever had Boo Berry. Oh, it's great. Or the strawberry one. Go to CVS, they sell it. My folks wouldn't buy us the sugary stuff. I mean, I've had it as an adult. Good for them. Good for them. My parents bought it very sparingly. They let us have it every now and then. You'd pick a favorite and be able to just eat this stupid shit. They would indulge us. They would also let us eat TV dinners. We wanted to eat TV dinners for some stupid reason. They're disgusting. But for whatever reason, that Salisbury steak. I was like, oh, I want to eat a TV dinner. I wanted to eat the dumbest shit. So they would let me every now and then. But for the most part, they wanted me to eat healthy. So I didn't get to eat too many of those. But when I could, when I got a chance, man. Fuck yeah. Well, like what we were talking about earlier.

28:59Once you tell people they can't do shit, then it's on. It's like, really? I want some of that. Yeah, imagine if you grew up a vegan. You would just like hunger for chicken livers and hearts and meat and legs of lamb. You'd smell it in restaurants and know you can never have it. Glasses of curdled milk. Yeah, no shit. You're just getting seeds. Here, eat these seeds. They have a full spectrum of alpacic acids. it's all vital nutrients, eat these seeds you can get everything, just the seeds yeah yeah, I don't know could you ever go vegan? I'd give it a shot I wouldn't have any just for kind of to see how it makes me feel and to kind of clean out just eating kind of raw I would do raw diet I don't know much about it but I'd try I think, yeah, I could go vegan. Not fish. I like fish too much. I like eggs, too. I could try vegetarian for a little while. I think there's some merit to vegetarian.

30:04I think it definitely probably changes your personality, too. I think it's been, at least with anecdotal evidence, proven that people who eat meat are more aggressive than people who are vegetarians. It kind of makes sense. If you think about just the nature aspect of it, even though we're not going out and getting the stuff, even though we're not killing it ourselves. That makes sense. We're still eating it. We're still getting it. You're eating flesh. So the attitude that you must have, like cultivating your body, if you're a flesh eater, a constant flesh eater, it's got to be a more predatory attitude. It just makes sense. Yeah. I mean, I don't know how the real... Or it probably just keeps something triggered in your body. I'm totally guessing here. I'm totally talking out of my ass because obviously I don't know how the real reward system works with eating meat and getting aggressive.

30:51but we all associate steak with aggression. It's like a natural association. What's a man's meal? Yeah, makes sense to me. Sold. I'm doing no further research. I'm going to repeat what you said as fact to other people now. I think if we all ate shit that was grass-fed, if we all ate just grass-fed beef, there would be way less of it, but it would be way better for you, and people would probably enjoy it more. But there's certainly, at this point, I think there's just too many goddamn people and not enough food, you know, to live like that. That scares me, man. It's terrifying. I mean, there are a lot of, you know. We would have to have monstrous, monstrous farms to compete with some of these crazy chicken farms where they fucking grow them all stuffed together. I mean, that freaks everybody out when you watch those chicken videos. But if they weren't like that, like how much farm acreage would it cost?

31:45How much more would it cost? Is it at a point where we need cheap food so much that they have to do shit like this? Because that's fucked up. And I'm not insinuating that they are. I'm just raising the question. That is fucked up. If that's the case, if it's like we need to do the factory farming thing because there's fucking way too many of us, and they're just sending chickens out the moment they shit them out, they're fucking pumping them out with hormones because they've got to get them big quick so they can ship them out to the 300 million motherfuckers. And out of those 300 million, how many are farmers? how many out of 300 million people are farmers? Is it even a million? No, it's not one in 300. One in 300 people isn't a farmer. Do you think there's a million farmers in this country? Is there a million? Yeah, I'd probably say there's different kinds of farmers. I don't know, man. A million?

32:33Either way. Maybe. I mean, there are states like Kansas. Let's look at it. Obviously, folks, for you Googling right now, looking back, these fucking guys are so off with their numbers. How do I say that? All I'm trying to say is, could you imagine, if that was the case, if it was one in every 300. Could you imagine if one person had to take care of 300 fucking people? Yeah. That's ridiculous. Yeah, I guess. I don't know. I would just eat a lot of water. It should be like... You imagine one person. You had to feed 300 people. That's true. One person on your own. One person feeds 300 people. What the fuck? That would be so hard. No, you'd have to do it by yourself. You couldn't employ anybody because we have 300 million people. In order for our numbers to work, you can't employ anyone because it's one out of 300. And we're being super generous. We're saying there's one million farmers.

33:25So that's where it gets fucking loony tunes, man. Obviously, it doesn't work like that. They have 100 people and they do the work of 5,000 individuals or more. I know obviously it doesn't work like that. But it almost seems like at this point, the resources versus population is in a weird place. where we need an incredible amount of food and we all sort of take for granted that it's out there. Who's providing all of this? It's a lot of fucking food. And if the three of us went out right now and had like two hours to just buy as much food as possible, we could each buy so much fucking food. Yeah, instantly. It's amazing. Like just fast food. Like if we had like an hour to buy as unlimited fast, like we could buy probably, I mean, A van full? More, yeah. 250 cheeseburgers apiece. It's just, to me, staggering the way we have grown from being hunter-gatherers

34:25to people who lived in small villages to cities where we have to get the stuff sent in every day in trucks. Just more meat for the wheel over and over again. Trucks and trucks of meat are just pumping into the city. And it's really only been going on for a few hundred years. That's nuts, man. That's amazing. It's almost like there's a living machine called civilization, and its blood is animals. I mean, not even a few hundred, really. It's pumped alive by blood. The blood in the trucks, it's almost like individual blood cells, but it's not. It's on a much larger scale. It's like, yeah, just meat delivery devices. these are the meat delivery devices to the city that keeps it moving at this insane pace where you can fit 7 million people on one square floating place and have them stacked on top of each other and it just keeps sending the meat. I saw that movie Contagion yesterday. Did it freak

35:30you out? It didn't really freak me out. I don't think it sucked. I heard a lot of people say it sucked. I liked it. Tell me if this is right. Does Tokyo have 36 million people? Something crazy like that. That blew my fucking mind. Because they were talking, you know, like as the thing, I mean, everybody knows enough that it's about a disease that spreads. And they would show like, you know, New York population whatever, 8 million, whatever lives in New York, California or Los Angeles population and then they would go to Tokyo and it said 36.4 million and I was like That's incredible. That's like five times the size of it. Do you think that's like the goldfish rule? Like the bigger the bull, the bigger the fish. And that's why Asians, for the most part, seem a little bit smaller built. That's interesting. That's very interesting, Brian. That's an interesting

36:18physiological theory, one that people would consider. It's funny if you judge any group like that, say a lot of Asians are small, all of a sudden you're tipping on the verge of the swimming pool filled with racism. Like right there, what are you saying? Are you saying Asians are small? But there are actual statistics you can look at, like the average height and weight of them. Right. Like they are. But still, it's a weird thing. If you make an observation, there's always the danger of being called a racist. Yeah. Even a little observation. It's not. It's not at all. I dated a girl from Japan and she took me on a picnic at a dog park. That's racist. Yes. That's racist. Because I don't think Japanese people even eat dogs. No, but that's racist to think that they did. That joke's offensive on so many levels. That joke sucks. That joke's a logical song. It makes people go, people don't need dogs in Japan.

37:13That's what they do. They don't laugh. You get a whole audience filled with people going, people don't need dogs in Japan. That would be the sound in the audience. People don't need dogs in Japan. That's more racist than that. Yeah, but that would be acceptable in Midwest. Yeah, they eat dogs in Japan. I know they do. It does make sense what you said, because in other animals, that is definitely the truth. These guys that I know told me that they could get me some baby crocodiles. I had a giant fish tank, and I was looking for some exotic shit. I had piranhas for a little while. Oh, man. I got bored with them, and I wanted to get some crocodiles. That seems like such a bad idea. It's a terrible idea. But this is what I was saying. I was saying, okay, well, how big are these motherfuckers going to get? Why would I have crocodiles? Because we can get you crocodiles. I go, you can get me crocodiles.

37:56I go, how big are these crocodiles going to get? He goes, oh, you don't have to worry about it. I go, what do you mean? He goes, as long as the tank is small, they won't get big. I go, what? Really? What? No way. Yes, yes, yes. He said, how big is your tank? It was like, I don't remember how big it was, but it was about nine feet long. It was a really big fish tank. And he said, maybe I'm exaggerating, seven feet long. It was a really big fish tank. It was big. It was very big. He said, they'll never get more than a few inches. Yeah, my dad bought it. Did you get them? No, no. I think they're super illegal. And I didn't know the dude that well. and what if he was a fucking cup? What if it was a setup? Turns out Rogan's in there. I got you some crocodiles, brother. My dad built this huge pond in his backyard, and he got one of those 100 goldfish at a pet store, almost feeder goldfish, shitty goldfish.

38:47Throws them in the pond. He took a couple out and put them in this other separate pond. The fish in the gold pond are still alive. A lot of them are alive. I would probably say 20 of them are still alive. And now they're huge. They're monster goldfish. The other two are normal goldfish. Right. It's weird. That's amazing. They grew to fill their environment. They almost look like koi. Well, I think koi and goldfish are pretty related, aren't they? Yeah. They look related. Shit. Yeah. What is it with kois and tattoos? What's that supposed to signify? The koi becomes a dragon or some shit? Everybody's got koi fish. It's some Japan thing, I think. Some dope-ass Japan shit? Japan shit, the legend. They figured out tattooing. they figured out how to make like a sleeve they're the ones who first figured that shit out really? to make like big bold pieces you know like the old days. Do you have a koi fish?

39:36no I don't have any koi fish I do have a dragon though and a tiger and a samurai how long have you been doing that? this one's six years old and this one's two years old oh you had that all done at the same time yeah this dude Aaron Delevadova from Guru Tattoo in San Diego he's a fucking badass artist and I just I just always enjoyed tattoos. I always liked them. I think you're wearing some cool art on your skin. And there's a lot of people who attach a lot of weird shit to it. You don't have to do it. But to me, I take care of my body and I'm healthy and everything, but I want to decorate it the way I want to. I don't give a fuck. For some people, it's a weird thing. It weirds them out. Tattoos weird them out. Tattoos weird people out because they're permanent. When you have tattoos, it's like, he's willing to do something permanent. I have some dumb tattoos. What do you got?

40:28I have Aussie rules tattooed on my toes. Do you really? Are you serious? Before Aussie came back, it was... That's weird. How old were you when you got that? 26. I was waiting to hear 33. 26, 27. Yeah. But it was before the Osbournes and stuff. Really? Yeah, it was me and my friend. Would you have done it or were you disappointed once the Osbournes came out? where you're like, fuck, man, now it's mainstream? Not really. I mean, it's on my toes, but it definitely made the joke not funny anymore. Because you used to see Ozzy written bathroom stuff. I used to see Ozzy rules written everywhere. Right, right, right. And you just didn't see it anymore. And I was like, Ozzy's still fucking rules, man. We saw this interview with him on VH1 Behind the Music, me and my friend, and they asked Ozzy what the key to happiness was. And Ozzy said, the key to happiness is happy knees. and they were like, what?

41:25And he's like, appy knees. The key to appiness is appy knees. And they're like, what are you talking about? He stands up and pulls his pants down, and he's got smiley faces tattooed on his knees, and he goes, appy knees. Appy knees. What? I thought it was funny. I was like, Ozzy rules, man. It is funny. It's just not funny enough to laugh. It's like funny enough to smile. I don't know, man. Ozzy was pretty. He's a pretty funny character. Yeah. He did a lot of crazy shit. It's amazing he's still alive, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, he's one of those dudes. They're like, wow, he made it through. Yeah, and now he's like this mainstream, like, did you ever think you'd see Ozzy Osbourne doing like a fucking, I don't know. A sitcom sort of a thing with his wife and his kids on TV. Well, there's that, but commercials, too. You see them in pretty mainstream commercials. Really?

42:16For like fucking, yeah, for like direct TV and shit. Yeah. It's weird. Or like cars, probably. I don't know. I don't really pay attention. I think as we get older, we're more willing to take shit from crazy people that we like than we ever were before. Like, look, this Chris Brown dude who beat up that Rihanna chick, he's sort of making a comeback. It's like all these award shows and shit, and apparently he's super talented, a great singer. There's some people that are accepting it, some people not. and like, look at this Michael Vick thing. Michael Vick killed a bunch of dogs and he was back playing it. You can't tell me this is the same world that I grew up in because this is a different world. This is a different world. This is a stranger world. People are getting away with more. People are more forgiving because more people are fucking up and doing weirder, creepier shit

43:10because of the internet and stuff, man. The bar is going higher and higher. People are doing more deviant shit so they're like, well, let's not be so hard on that guy because, I don't know, maybe I want to fucking... try some of that weird shit or whatever. Don't you think that people have bounced back from shit that they could have never bounced back from before? You know, sports... Yeah, I think Michael Vick is definitely something that wouldn't have happened 25 years ago. I'm shocked. But, I mean, when you're that... Yeah, I think the morals of our entire cultures have just been eroded a little bit. Like, yeah. I don't think that would have been acceptable in the early 80s. It doesn't seem like it would. It's all so fascinating. You have a guy that talented, too, who can, you know. But yeah, I don't think money overrode everything 25 years ago. Could you imagine if Clinton was in office today? Oh, man.

44:07Could you imagine all the Twitter messages that, like, interns would be throwing back and forth? Because he would get busted, for sure, way quicker if he was in office today. Yeah, yeah. Think about the crazy shit that dude did. So many more avenues of him. He was always my proof. When he got his dick sucked by that chick, I was always like, God damn it, I fucking knew it. I knew it. I knew they have to be crazy to get in there. You can't really be that guy you're selling, man. You can't. You're not going to have the kind of energy. I mean, everybody likes blowjobs, though, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody likes blowjobs. But Clinton would just whip his dick out on people. He would just get alone with girls and just whip his dick out. Really? Yeah, yeah. Was he that out of control? Oh, he was a maniac. He's a fucking savage. God bless him. Yeah, I guess.

44:52He's just one of those dudes who just couldn't help but swing. I can't help but swing. I saw the pitch. Here it comes. He just loved it. Yeah, I mean, there were a lot of chicks doing that to him. Could you imagine if he existed during the days of today of Wienergate? Fuck yeah, he could have been set up. I bet he liked to get drunk. I bet he liked to get drunk and bang state troopers. like hot police troopers yeah you know how hot would that be the back of a police car that's a lot of girls I don't do anything in the back of a police car there's a lot of girls I bet his pussy output tripled after that Monica Lewinsky thing because there's a lot of girls that just want to let him know that they keep their mouth shut listen I know you had that problem with Monica but you know when she's a little girl and it's not me and I'm a grown woman and I know what I want and I don't need anything other than you in my mouth

45:39and that's the end of it and he'd be like hell hell I think we've said enough he was just dropping loads on dresses and shit he wasn't even insisting insisting she'd get rid of the evidence maybe this could make people in another part of the world my dna we can't have that he seemed to be a good president though yeah he was a freak though stuck in fucking cigars and bitches pussies that's so i don't know if he was a good president man i don't know i don't know maybe when he was in things weren't maybe he was when he was on the show, the writers had it written in a more happy, friendly way. I thought you were insinuating he did your podcast. Did you imagine? He was on the show? Let's start a lobby to get him on the show. I am the president for eight years. And it was, for the most part, I think he was kind of the last good guy in there. I mean, there's only been... Was he, though? Was he?

46:33I don't know. I don't know. Obama's probably a good guy. I don't know if any of them are good guys. I'm not sure what I believe anymore. You've got to do some fucked up shit to get that far. Yeah, I don't think you could be just some regular fucking dude with some unique ideas and get all the way to be president. You have to have compromised yourself so deeply along the line and obviously have done no research whatsoever to substantiate any of these claims. Makes sense though. This is just talking shit at 10 o'clock in the evening, you know, after being in the hot sun all day and barely able to talk. I don't know. I don't believe it though. Do you believe it? Oh, that like a good guy can make it this far? No. Do you think how much say do they ultimately have? You have to agree to letting unspeakable things happen on the regular. Yeah. I mean, you have to... How much say do you think you have?

47:18Do you think you could even rewrite the script? Yeah, if you want to get your head blown off, that's okay with everyone else. Well, a lot of people don't believe that that's the case. A lot of people believe that it was Lee Harvey Oswald and he got lucky and that people make a big deal out of nothing. Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Maybe. I mean, you know, Kennedy, Martin Luther King, both Kennedy. I mean, it just seems like anybody who's kind of like steering us towards some decent change winds up with their fucking head blown off by a lone fucking crazy gunman. Even John Lennon, dude. Like, I mean, that dude could have started a revolution. He was like the... He was a really popular guy. Isn't it just so tempting to fall into the idea of conspiracy and collusion? And it's very sexy. It's very tempting. But, I mean, there's no, it doesn't seem like there's balance on the other side.

48:08Like, why didn't Nixon ever get shot? Or, like, I mean, Reagan did. I guess that's a... You mean balance on the side? Yeah, Reagan did, man. He was one of the most rah-rah of all. But, like, I don't know. It seems like, you know, Gandhi. Like, there's no... Well, is it possible? Dick Cheney never got fucking shot at. Right, because he was on Team Psycho. And is it possible that the Psychos on... They're always going to beat the good guys. Yeah, they target the guys who are for peace and love and change. Of course. Right. Yeah. But they went after Reagan. I wonder, Reagan might have been, maybe that was a random thing. Maybe that really wasn't planned because he didn't die. Or maybe they were just sending him a message. I remember that. We'll shoot you in the gut. I remember watching that on TV going, God damn, they shot that actor dude who's now the president. Somebody has a joke about him and Leslie.

48:58If he never became president, he would have the same career that Leslie Nielsen had. I forget whose fucking joke it is Oh, that's brilliant It's so true Bedtime for Bonzo Did you ever see that? I don't know I mean, I'm familiar with it Him and a chicken and a monkey Yeah, yeah He did a couple Wasn't there There's a couple Bonzo movies, aren't there? I think so I don't know I don't know I've watched like five seconds of it And go, what the fuck is going on? I think he's in more than one monkey movie It just shouldn't be legal That if you're a person Who is a professional pretender That you go on to be the guy Who tells the truth to the nation that just seems ridiculous you're like really awesome at lying yeah well it was just like I don't think now him I don't think he made one decision the whole time I think there were people there was like Dick Cheney was telling him what to say

49:43like there was a commission of fucking assholes who were like alright this is what we're doing here's the script you're an actor act you know what I loved he's responsible for one little speech that is one of my favorite speeches of any president because he talks about how would we respond if we were all on this earth facing a threat from another world? How would we respond? How quickly would we forget our differences? Yeah. I'm like, damn, that's brilliant. It's a cool speech. It's so true. It's a great speech. And it makes you go, what the fuck does he know? Well, yeah. What does he know? He was really into the fucking Star Wars shit, too. He wanted to make that missile defense system start. Maybe the aliens were like, hey, man, we're going to fuck with you guys soon. I don't know. Who knows what's going on with all that? George Lucas during the Star Wars thing go, hey, this is copyright infringement. Did he?

50:35Why were they allowed to call it Star Wars program? I guess because they're not. They're allowed to do anything they want. I don't know. They're a government. But they're not doing it for profit. Yeah. You know, it's a defense. You know, there's some big conspiracy theory about people who created Star Wars, the strategic defense system Star Wars. Yeah. that it was all bullshit and that the scientists, one by one, have been killed off. Apparently, 22 different scientists who worked on it were killed in strange ways. Are you serious? Asphyxiation, suffocation, decapitation, death leap, death leap, shotgun blast, missing person, auto accident, over and over again, all these different scientists. I don't want this knowledge. According to the Internet. Oh. I don't know if it's corroborated by more than one dude. The first thing I went to on Google. I'm going to regurgitate that as fact. Just go for it, dude. 22.

51:3422 SDI researchers all supposedly committed suicide. 22 out of how many? That's a good question. But 22, period. That's a lot. Let's say if there's 100. If comedians started dying like that, I'd fucking skip town. Yeah, that would be gross. Would it be hundreds? How many people you would think that would be? What? if they did that? If they started killing comedians? Yeah. Oh, I was just saying if 22 comedians died in suspicious ways, I would fucking, you know, that's too big of a number for one. But out of all the... I would get a puppet immediately. Out of all the scientists that were involved, no, no, I'm sorry, my question was, do you think there was like 300 guys? Oh. How many different guys do you think were working for this Star Wars company? Was it a thousand? I would say thousands. I mean, people with like... Yeah, I would say thousands. Even if it's thousands. But that would be from this janitor.

52:2322 killed themselves, man? Yeah. Or just disappear. It becomes, as the number becomes bigger and bigger, it becomes more and more silly. You start looking at it, you go, well, there was a million scientists, 22 killed themselves. But there's not a bunch of them. Like, there wouldn't be that many that had, like, crazy... Not everybody has, like, crazy security levels. Like, you wouldn't have to kill everybody. Like, every guy that's screwed in a fucking light bulb. Well, maybe you would, though. Because maybe what was going on was so fucking obvious, you had a clean house. This is the conspiracy theory during me. Step back and do my Alex Jones voice. What we've got here is a situation where special ops, what they're doing is they're victimizing innocent people. That's fucking good, man. Thank you. I mean, did you hear all, like 100% of the scientists that created Crystal Pepsi died? Shut the fuck up.

53:17Could you imagine if that is true? We know there's 22 scientists that died. We need to find out how many there were. Make a documentary. Did you hear about the collider thing? I should go to Snopes for all this. That's what I should do. The guy that says he's from the future? That was arrested at the collider last week. What? Yeah, some guy was arrested at the, what's it called? The Hydrian? Large Hadron Collider. Yeah, he was arrested because I don't know what he was doing, but he said he was from the future. Oh, what a dummy. Oh, that's funny. Was he just crazy or was he from the future? I don't know. I just saw it headline. What a goofy fuck. That's a funny idea, show up there in a silver suit. Yeah. You just have to ask him a few more questions and it'll be pretty clear. Oh, you come from the future. Okay. What am I about to do? There was one guy who had a website.

54:08There was a, fuck, I forget the scam, Titor somewhere. I think they were calling themselves something Titor from the future. and they had this whole John Titor, T-I-T-O-R, and some whole thing about how he described how the civilization was going to fall apart and he had come from the future to write, get the fuck out of here, man. Just stop. John Titor? Yeah. Whatever it is. It's just, you really think that someone came from the fucking future and came back to the past? You really think that it's just, that's what time travel's going to be like? Yeah, it was Nicolas Cage. You see that shit now? They're saying that Nicolas Cage is a time traveler because there's a photo or something of Nicholas. No, John Cusack, bro. Huh? No, they have Nicolas Cage. They have John Cusack because he never looks any older. Oh, you know what? I'm sorry. No, not even John Cusack. The other dude from The Matrix. Keanu Reeves.

54:58Keanu Reeves. Keanu Reeves, they have him in the time machine. They're always saying that he's a vampire because he never gets old. Yeah, he's a beautiful man. He's like 50. Johnny Depp's holding up okay, isn't he? He's holding up pretty goddamn good. Is that like they both have kind of Indian blood in them, right? You know what that's from? Fresh pussy. Like vampires. Like vampires The pussy that's constantly Swan diving under their cock Every time they poke it out the house For some air Put it through their mail slot Nicolas Cage might be a vampire Or so one believer says Oh there's a photo From an old ass photo That looks like Nicolas Cage Yeah it's creepy Wow that's pretty dope He's in a movie called Vampire's Kiss That's pretty funny He's the Ghost Rider bro Did you see Ghost Rider? Never saw that Is that good? No, it's terrible. But it's good if you're high and you know it's terrible.

55:47If you're ready for a terrible fucking ghost motorcycle superhero movie, yeah. You have little girls, right? Yeah. Did you ever watch The Tooth Fairy with The Rock? The Tooth Fairy with The Rock? No, I missed that one. I watched that, man. Why did you watch that? Because it was late. I took mushrooms with my friend. And it was just that kind of like after we're done tripping, but we're still like, you know, up and hanging out. And that was coming on HBO. And we're like, fuck it, let's watch it. It's probably good for a few laughs. And we had to rewind it like 40 minutes in because we couldn't follow what was going. Like, it's baffling. Like, there's so many holes in it. Like, he has this relationship with this woman, but you don't know if they're married and there's these kids. It's weird. Like, you don't know his relationship to the... It's not his wife and kids, but like, he's hanging around there

56:39and he never kisses the woman. And then he somehow, like it's never really clear on why he turns into a tooth fairy. Like he says something like, yeah, the tooth fairy's bullshit, kid. Like at one point. And then all of a sudden he's like in this weird tooth fairy land. And he's got to be the tooth fairy. It's kind of like it's... It sounds awesome. And then Billy Crystal makes an appearance and I totally called it like, because he like goes through tooth fairy training And he learns how to fly, all fucking bumping into shit. What? There's a Tooth Fairy training? Well, yeah. It's like, yeah. It's like, you know. Where's Tooth Fairy land? In his brain. He probably just got hit on the head or something. This was all in his head. That was really the plot? Yeah. Yeah. And then he turns into the Tooth Fairy. And then we're watching it.

57:33And I was like, all right, Billy Crystal's old Jew character is going to make an appearance. or Whoopi Goldberg or somebody like that. And then fucking right there, Billy Crystal comes down this ladder like, okay, hold your horses, hold your... And he gives him some books on how to be a tooth fairy. And then he turns into the tooth fairy randomly, like he'll be out in public and the wings just spur it out. I feel like I'm losing momentum with trying to sell this shitty movie. No, dude, you've got me in a trance. You got me in a trance. That sounds ridiculous. It's really absurd. but when you have kids you understand ridiculous it'll keep them quiet man yeah oh it keeps moving but there's no there aren't a lot of dots connected we're like wait how do we get from here it's like oh you just needed to get from here to here and you just did so you just put

58:21some thing in the middle yeah yeah it's really like now i'm gonna see it and i'm gonna be waiting for that i'm gonna be waiting for the whole oh it's riddled are you doing something i'm trying to open another root beer barrel but i can't figure out how you silly silly man can't figure We've got to change these microphones. These microphones are too goddamn sensitive. You're doing it down by your dick, and we're hearing it as if you're crackling right there. Yeah, I know. Sorry. These are the bags. Yeah. The volcano bags. Yeah. I gave up on that volcano. Well, most people shouldn't be trying to open a hard candy during a... What did you say, Brian? That kind of mic would be worse, though. Oh, really? Why? Because you're supposed to talk into it. Yeah, but these are picking up everything in the room, dude. That does it times a million. No, no, no. That's less. That's less, Brian. Those are more vocal mics.

59:06Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. That's less. No, we tried it. Remember? It picked up way less ambient noise. That's our next move as we expand. We're going to move this thing out. I'm going to get an office space. At the Ice House, right? Well, we're going to do that, too. We're going to do that, too. Probably a dance squad there. But what we're going to do at the Ice House is we want to set it up so that comics getting off stage and going on stage can have a little different podcast. Not my podcast. Oh, okay. We're going to call it like an evening at the Ice House. Right. And have it just whatever comic is there, you know, within reason. They host it or whatever? Yeah, yeah. Whoever's there. Whoever's there. Yeah. If Brian's in town, he'll sit on it. Whoever the fuck is in town, and we just keep rotating comics. I'll do it. Yeah, it'll be awesome. It'll be great for all of us. That'll be a lot of fun.

59:48No, that whole night with the stuff that you and Al were talking about, it's exciting. It's great, right? Yeah. We want to go there. There's a place, the Ice House in Pasadena. It's this really cool old club that's been around for like 35 years. And they have this little tiny room. They just have like the 50th anniversary. Wow, that's insane. That's the oldest one, right? Yeah. That's insane. 50 years. Mother's Brothers and shit performed there. God damn. There are a lot of albums recorded there. Like if you were to a thrift store and go through old comedy albums. That's amazing. Pat Paulson. It's a great, great club. And there's two rooms. There's the big room, which is very small. It's only 185 people. And then there's the... Somewhere around there, right? 185, 190, something like that. That's about right. Perfect size room, by the way. Amazing setup. It's amazing setup.

60:27And then there's another room that's really small. It's only like 85 people. It's 90. 90 people? And we've been doing that. We've been doing some sets there. And Brendan and I and Brian and... We have one Friday. Al Magical came down and Ari went up. Sam. And you guys have one this Friday, too? Yeah, we have it every Friday. Yeah, and we're going to start doing that on a regular basis. And as soon as I'm done with this Fear Factor stuff, which should be pretty soon, then we're going to move forward in different dynamic podcast directions. So we'll call it an evening at the Ice House or something along those lines. Did we ever talk about that? Remember when we brought up how David Letterman's Social Security number was on the wall? Yeah, we did. And we went there like the following day. Yeah, we don't know whether or not that really is still his social security number, whether they changed it.

61:09They put it back up. I was there two days ago or whatever. Did they block it out? Yeah, they made a copy of it, and it looks like the real one, or they did something. It's gone now, though. Well, we pointed it out to them. We're like, you can see David Letterman's social security number on this contract. And they were like, no way. Oh, there's a picture of his contract? Yeah, yeah. Like, lookie, we paid him. Oh, okay, near the bathroom. Yes, yes. There were a couple different ones. Okay. Yeah, and that one actually has a social security number on it. That's insane. Yeah, it's ridiculous. It steals identity. Yeah. Well, that's what Brian already did. He's trying to, like, disguise all this. Can you do that shit? Like viruses and shit? No, no, no. I assume anybody who knows anything about computers can, like, hack and all my shit. Because I don't know anything. I'm really naive. I could do dumb shit.

61:58You know, like, just tricky shit, but not really. There's kids right now that are growing up from the time they're little kids. They've been fucking with hacking into the registry and fucking with things and reading on forums and finding out how to do things and working on coding. And there's wizards out there, man. I know. They speak a language that we can't even fucking wrap our heads around. There was a documentary on one small area. I think it was of Russia. I forget what Eastern Bloc country it was. but they had this one town where they have a disproportionate amount of internet scammers and virus makers and people stealing credit card numbers, and they were all just driving Mercedes back and forth. Yeah, all these computer people. They just fucking hacked the matrix. They found an area where oil would come up. They drilled into it, and then oil was coming up in their one spot. It's amazing. Wow.

62:52And it's all just identity theft and shit? There's a lot of that going on, for sure. There's a lot of, I mean, cyber crime. I would like to know the statistics of what, you know, what has happened since the Internet existed. Like, is crime up? Is crime down? What kind of crime is more prevalent now that there's, you know, little online things that can rip people off? Yeah. Probably some, like, I don't know. You're not leaving a paper trail with anything, so if you just go in and move numbers from one place to another. It just would scare the fucking shit out of me to think that you would have anything important online, you know? Yeah, I'm pretty – I mean, I guess that's one good thing of not really being a techie. Like, I don't get excited about it. I don't have anything – somebody could steal my laptop tomorrow and they wouldn't really know any more about me than if they stole one of my notebooks. Yeah.

63:39I always look at websites that are up and I say, these are only up because someone didn't target you. That's it. Right. It's not like you could do anything about it. What are you going to do about it? You're not going to do shit. It's like there's a – it's a wild west out there in some ways. I mean, they can track some people down if they're really sloppy, and they find out people that do certain things they shouldn't be doing. But for the most part, it's pretty fucking crazy. Well, those guys like the Anonymous and LulzSec. Yeah. I was pretty amused by what they were doing. It's fascinating, right? But it is pretty scary where it's like, oh, fuck. Those guys, if they can fuck with Sony for like a week, what could they do to me? They're putting some of those dudes in jail, though. It's going to be an interesting story. Well, that's the other thing. You're going to get fucking.

64:23You don't get away with that kind of shit. This is going to be like a bad... Government agencies. Yeah. It's going to be a badass documentary that we'll be able to watch in like 10 years. Yeah. Like, have you ever watched a documentary on the weather underground? Yeah, I saw it, yeah. Radical hippie movement in the 60s, wanted to get rid of the government. It's a fascinating fucking documentary. That's what this is going to be like. Yeah. You know? A decade from now when we're even more oppressed. We'll look back at the time that the internet almost rose against before they instituted the censorship on the internet. That would really lock everything down. That would either lock everything down or cause a civil war. That would be the final push. If the government regulated the internet the way the FCC regulates television or the way they regulate radio or anything,

65:09if they told you what you could and couldn't put out there. Because that's where it all got out of hand. Everything was doing great until the 80s and the 90s came along. and all of a sudden people were getting their information from different places. They were getting it from a fucking computer. But with that WikiLeaks guy, I mean, aren't they essentially like, it's like you can't really put everyone out there. Well, they locked that guy up and they gave that guy some sort of a house arrest deal where he had to show up at the police station and check himself in every day. And from what I understand, he's trying to fight being extradited. He doesn't want to have to leave the country. I have no idea what the fuck happened, But I do think that I don't believe that this would happen this way if he wasn't that guy. I think it seems pretty obvious that someone's targeting him. Oh, yeah.

65:56It doesn't seem kosher to me. You know, that this, I mean, I don't believe she's even saying it was really rape. It was by some really broad definition of rape, like regret afterwards or something like that, the feeling of being deceived or something along those lines. She changed her mind when he was finishing up or whatever. Something along those lines, right? And he was already inside of her and he didn't want to stop or something. But he was already on the run. He was already wanted when all that happened, I thought. Was he? Yeah. It's just fascinating how you're not allowed to release information unless you're the New York Times or CNN or an established news organization slash corporation that we can trust. You're not allowed to just release that. because the real question would come up, what would the New York Times do if it was given that information? If it was given all the WikiLeaks documents,

66:52and if someone came along and said, listen, here's a gigantic file, you're going to fucking shit your pants, this is all a bunch of shit that I took from U.S. data banks, and it's going to blow the hole on this whole Iraq war thing, and there's a lot of things in it that's going to really disturb the shit out of people when they find out about real relationships between different foreign countries and different things that we're doing in all sorts of different parts of the world. What do you think would happen? I don't think that would get released through a real mainstream news. Do you think the New York Times would go, get the fuck out of here, we're not releasing this? Give it back to the government? I think, yeah. Because it wasn't their property? Is that a law? I think that they're dealing with a business, so they don't want to fuck up.

67:34Would it be stolen information, so there would be illegal contraband or something along those lines? Because it's top secret. I think the government would just come and confiscate it. Somebody would call somebody and the government would be like, you have what? We're sending someone right down. Yeah. And then just like. Is that ever going to change? Is that ever going to get to the point where that doesn't happen anymore? Is that like a remnant of the old days? It's like slowly starting to work its way out to the point where, you know, police aren't going to have like that kind of absolute power. Is that possible? I don't think so. Really? No. It's going to get worse, right? Does it get worse as the population increases? Of like the future, you know, if you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot standing on somebody's neck forever. Something like that. Well, Orwell was a drag. Yeah, he was.

68:24Imagine getting high with Orwell. Dude, you are fucking killing me with this boot neck thing. Why don't you just go to a massage par and get jerked off? You know, just a wonderful feeling of warm oil on your balls. Ah, just sweet release. You don't have to think about boots and necks. Orwell needed. It's not all boots and necks, you fucking dramatic cocksucker. Well, I mean, he wrote Animal Farm in 1984. Oh, he was brilliant. In like the 40s. When I say dramatic cocksucker, I mean it with all due respect. He actually predicted a lot of shit that went down that, you know, was like essentially science fiction at the time, you know. Yeah. It's amazing, you know. It's amazing. I mean, the internet, essentially, I mean, you could argue that, you know, that screen that everybody had in their apartments in 1984. Was 1984 supposed to be the year where this story took place? Is that what the premise is? Yeah.

69:16Isn't it amazing when you look back on space 1999? They thought that by 1999, we'd be like fucking living on other planets. Oh, in 2010. You know? 2010 was the year they made contact, right? And 2001, a space odyssey. Yeah. That's like... 2010, they thought, this is ridiculously far in the future. Yeah, yeah. This is so far in the future that we're never going to have to worry about that. We'll just make our money now, and we'll probably be right when 2001 rolls along. Oh, nothing. Yeah. No, no fucking space travel at all. I don't know, though, man. Like, I was at... That's the one area, though, where we grossly overestimated how far we would advance. Space travel. Well, there's unmanned space shit out there. And there's the space station with people on it right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But space 1999, they were living on fucking... They were shooting lasers at people. They were like Jetson cars. Yeah, yeah.

70:09I mean, Space 1999, didn't they have battles with other fucking aliens and shit? I'm pretty sure they did. Probably. I'm pretty sure they did. Oh, yeah. No, that was the future. That's a print song, bitch. It's ridiculous. Space 1999. Those smart cars are pretty futuristic looking. Well, you know, Obama just passed some new legislation saying that by, I think it's 2025, that the average miles per gallon of a car has to be some insane number. It's like 50-plus miles per gallon. And that's what's going to be the standard average per corporation. You could have one stupid car. You could have one Mustang GT with a fucking giant engine that eats gas. As long as you had a slew of electric cars that got like 90 miles per gallon. It sort of balanced it out for the Mustang. Yeah, it's kind of interesting. Did you ever see that documentary, Who Killed the Electric Car? Yes, I did. Oh, that was pretty interesting.

71:08Fascinating. Yeah. I mean, they had a pretty decent electric car, back in like 86. Yeah. And then they just took them all and destroyed them. That's fishy. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, conspiracies are real, man. Enron, the smartest men in the room. Did you ever watch that documentary? Conspiracies are fucking real. Okay, yeah. they definitely went to war because I'm looking on Space 1999 in Wikipedia. Was that a show? So I was shooting lasers at them. Yeah. Yeah, Space 1999. You didn't know that was a show? I thought maybe it was a show. Oh, when I was saying that, it was a show that I used to watch when I was a kid. Oh, no, I thought it was kind of a more. Yeah, I was lost on that. Oh, my God. Just like the idea of the future. Really, they were so optimistic. This is how crazy they were because we had just gone to the moon, you know, supposedly, and it's 1975, so did they just stop the Apollo program in 72?

71:57so in 1999 they thought we would be fucking going to war but there was only 20 years yeah they were only guessing 24 years in the future 24 years they thought well dude we finally landed on the moon remember when we invented cars now look what we drive yeah they finally landed on the moon listen dude by the time 1999 rolls around we're gonna be going to battle in space yeah these fucking people were living in uniforms they had outfits and shit like that was the other hallmark of the future. Everybody wore the same clothes. That's how you knew it was the future. Future or aliens. They're all wearing the same clothes. Yeah, well, I mean Walmart, Target. That is a fascinating thing. They're just not all matching silver jumpsuits. Most people are getting their clothes from the same four places, probably. Old Navy. It's amazing that they missed so badly. 1999, they were so optimistic. 2001,

72:51so optimistic. A lot of things got it right, though. That old ride at Walt Disney World in the future where it was like this thing where you just sat there and watched what the future is supposed to be like. If you look at it now, it's pretty crazy how similar it is. Do you remember Alien? Do you remember Nostromo when they're in their ship and he's working on the computer? It looks so fucking bad. That's funny. I love that. This shit computer you have. This piece of shit with its green fucking letters. It's green lit up letters. Oh, yeah, yeah. It looks so stupid. And the printer paper still has the holes on the side of it. Pull that over. Yeah. It's the year 3000. Kirk out. He didn't even have a cell phone, right? He had walkie-talkies. But the Nostromo, the fucking computer, man, they missed so badly. But there's like, now we're at a point where we can imitate shit. They can predict things a little.

73:48Like, I think, you know, it seems like a lot of the. Tom Cruise, what was that movie? Minority Report. Yeah, that shit is sort of coming to the line. I've seen that shit in other movies, too, so maybe that's the way things are headed. Well, when I swipe my iPhone, when I'm going through contacts or when I'm going through email, I think of it that way. I'm like, this is amazing. These things are amazing. I'm sliding this thing back and forth with my fingers. And then iPads, the same thing. I read books on the iPad, and when you turn the page, you slowly slide your finger. And it slowly curls the page over and then rolls to the next page. I've seen it. Whoa. oh, this is some freaky fucking futuristic shit. We're getting it right now. Like I went to a concert a couple weeks ago, and I went to smoke a cigarette and was looking at the whole crowd in the Hollywood Bowl,

74:33and you just see all these little light up things. Yeah, and it's like, that's kind of crazy, man. And it happened so quickly. It's amazing. Like really 10 years ago, you didn't see. I was typing an email today, and I was on the iPhone, and I just was just thinking about how crazy it is You can just touch these little spots. I think about that a lot. It knows pretty much what letter you're trying to say. And then you can just swipe your finger and it spins through all your pictures and spins through all your music. This is nuts, man. This is so specific, too. It's so accurate. Joe, you've got to try out this thing called Spotify. It's kind of like Rhapsody. It's all you can eat, any kind of music. For $10, you get all the music you want, pretty much. So for $10, one-time fee? No, every month. $10 a month. $10 a month on music. Yeah, but you sit there, and you just have access to pretty much any song ever.

75:22Boy done lost his mind. I don't really understand the service, but yeah, for $10 a month, you can put in Rolling Stones, and every Rolling Stones song will come up, and you can download them. But what's cool is whoever has it connected to their Facebook, like a lot of your friends, like Duncan is a perfect example. You can see his whole entire music, what he likes, what he listens to. So you can just, like, if you're looking for new music, you just go see what Joey D is looking at. And you just, like, look at all his music. It's pretty cool. I would try it out. But you can download their music, too. And you can also download it on your phone. You'd be like, oh, Duncan has that album. I want it. And you can put it on an iPhone. You can put it on an iPod. And you keep it. Well, the thing is, the Spotify, it's like your iTunes, but it's held at some server somewhere.

76:05Yeah, but I think there's a way to also download the tracks. So, like, if you have offline modes. Oh, yeah. So if you just pick what things you want, it will download the checks onto your iPhone. That's annoying. It's pretty cool. I would want it on my iPod. I might get into it. I want it on my hard drive. I want a physical. I think you can do that. Really? Yeah. I think so. As long as you can do that. Yeah. You can put it on your computer, your iPad, your phone. But it doesn't have to be connected to the internet to use it. No. You could download it. You have to be connected to the internet at some point. You know what I mean? To get it. Yeah. To get it. To get the music. Right. Right. And do you just refresh and it just. It just saves it onto your device. Oh, okay. So it is just like downloading it. Yeah. I'm confused. I don't know. I thought you were saying you just keep it in the cloud. You can't burn it to a CD.

76:46Why not? I think it might have some kind of time trap. It only lasts a certain amount of time. Yeah. Oh, really? I don't know. I don't know what I'm talking about. I think you just might have made that up, Brian. No, I think that's how it works, though. I think it has to check for a subscription once in a while or something. Oh, that's annoying. So as long as your subscription's up, it's good. You know what's good? You can keep your music. You know what's good? It's in your car. You're driving around going. It's all annoying, man. When you got it, you got it, right? I keep an iPhone or an iPod always charged up. I always listen in my car. I hardly ever listen to the radio anymore. I just listen to my iPod. It connects to my car. It's fucking amazing. You can just choose whatever music. But all I have to do is just sync it back and forth between my computers.

77:26I don't want to go online and just fucking register and pay $10 a month. I buy the CD on iTunes. I buy the MP3s. That's good for me. I don't want any of that craziness. I have Satellite in my car, and I like it because I've been turned on to a lot of new music that I wouldn't have heard. There's one station in particular. I like that indie kind of rock shit. I like rap, too. What kind of rock shit? I like indie. I like 90s indie rock a lot. You know, like pavement, shit like that. What do they say? Sing me a song. Well, I mean, I don't know. Like Dinosaur Jr.? Are you familiar with any of that? I was in a radio station once. WAAF in Boston and one of the dudes from Dinosaur Junior what is it, Mascus? Jay Mascus, yeah. Jay Mascus sang a song like right there and it was a real creepy acoustic song and I'm like wow, what a weird dude this guy is. I bet this guy is some fucking crazy creepy weird genius dude.

78:25They are. I mean, it's a certain genre like Nirvana came out of that too. Really? Yeah, it's like the Melvins and fucking... But is Nirvana like If you talk about that kind of music that you like, if you say Nirvana, do they think, oh, you're all mainstream? No, no. Because Nirvana naturally happened. They wanted to be as big as Sonic Youth or Dinosaur Jr. And they just wrote songs way too good and fucking just got huge. They reinvented things. They changed the face of everything. They fucked hair bands sideways. And Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer. Those guys were popular. They got pounded on. Boom. Yeah. Where did this come from? There's all this truth and pain and reality. Dude screaming, rape me. Rape me again. And it's a great song. Oh, yeah. I mean, rape me is a great fucking song, and it played on the radio. Just wrap your head around that. Imagine trying to put that out today. Rape me, a song called Rape Me.

79:23People would freak the fuck out. They wouldn't want to play that on the radio. Too many people would be complaining. This guy went on stage in the UFC this weekend. there was controversy. These two fighters went out to controversial songs, and one of them was he went out to smack my bitch up. Okay. And so this writer was complaining. Are you serious? Yes. They wrote an article on Yahoo about how it was insensitive to have that song, and that song promotes violence against women and that jazz, that people might find it offensive. And then the other song they complained about was the Scorpions, Rocky Like a Hurricane because obviously we're in New Orleans and New Orleans had been hit by a hurricane. But meanwhile... But you're watching two guys beating shit out of each other. Yeah, and when that song came on, I don't think people thought that. I didn't even associate it with that until I read the article.

80:18Some cunty little writer fucking wanted to cause a stir. Do you know how funny it is that you just said that? Because I got in trouble for calling this very writer cunty. Really? Yeah. People were like, you shouldn't use that word. sounds like cunty behavior. I did not inform you of this beforehand. We had no discussion. There was no coercion on your part. Ladies and gentlemen, nature finds its fucking course. The other one was the scorpions, Rocking Like a Hurricane. When I heard that song, I didn't think, oh, no, he didn't. A hurricane hit the air and devastated the population. That's just looking for shit. I thought, oh, it was a fucking jam. Here I am. That's a good thing to listen to before you're going to go get in a fist fight. Yeah, it's a fucking good song, man. You can't not have that good song anymore. It's not responsible for the hurricane. Yeah. Okay.

81:03Now, if he played like Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves, then that would be like, wait, why is he fucking playing this? This doesn't go along with the sport. I wonder if he'd be allowed to do that. I wonder if Dana White would approve that. Because he approves every song. I think it's put in. And he approves. By the way, Smack My Bitch, I was one like all these awards. It's like, you know, it's in Charlie's Angels. Smack My Bitch Up is in Charlie's Angels. How does that go? So it's like complaining, smack my bitch. It's like this crazy techno. It's a really famous song. You never heard it before? I probably have. The name's just not ringing a bell. Is it like the Chemical Brothers? It is the Chemical Brothers? Oh, then I am familiar with it. I have all their stuff. It's hilarious, though, that someone would complain about that. That seems kind of silly. Yeah, of course.

81:51Complaining about anything's silly. Are we nerfing the fucking world? What is going on, Brendan Walsh? Now, I ask you this because you're a comic and you're also a fucking, you know, you go deep. You push buttons. You know, you talk about crazy shit on stage. It's fun. It's my kind of comedy. Good. You know, when I saw you the other night at the Ice House, I was like, thank God, there's still guys doing that. Oh, well, thanks, Joe. That's flattering, man. It's true. It's been really dirty. The new stuff's kind of getting pretty dirty. Keep going. Go deeper. I was there. I mean, look, I'm a huge fan of stand-up comedy still, but it's not enough people are doing crazy shit. Not enough people are going to the deep end of the pool. Oh, cool. Not enough people are just making fucked up things really funny. Yeah. And there's a few, there's a few, but you were nailing a bunch of,

82:44I don't want to do any of your material, but you were nailing a bunch of different subjects left and right. I was like, this is really funny stuff, man. I enjoyed it. That's awesome, dude. Dude, comedy's supposed to be kind of fucked up, man. The best stuff, when you've got a couple of drinks in you, the best stuff is like, you know, Nick DiPaolo is one of my all-time favorite guys to watch when I got a little buzz on. Oh, yeah. Because he would have fake mean shit. I mean, it was mean. But he's not a mean guy. He's a nice guy. He's a great guy. He's just fucking, that's the style of comedy. Yeah. And he's going after it. Especially when you've got a buzz on, it's a fucking great art form. Yeah. And by people complaining about a dude coming out to rock you like a hurricane, and by people trying to take some of the flavor out of the world, tone things down, they're ruining everything that's cool about life. Yeah.

83:36The subtlety. They're just a bunch of fucking unhappy pricks. Yeah, knowing what's right and what's wrong. Knowing when to let things go. This is a big fucking, it shows a big example of your character. If you're going to sit down and fucking police Wikipedia on your fucking own time just because somebody adds Jerry Seinfeld and started directing adult films after whatever. If you're somebody who's policing Craigslist for people trying to be funny or gross on it, what the fuck's wrong with you, man? There's a million other things you could be doing right now. Yeah, and that needs to be illuminated, right? It needs to be pointed at. Why are you doing this? Well, because like usually what they're doing I mean, I'm just speaking from experience of like I had a fake Yelp account Where I would just complain about businesses Oh no Like I took businesses that had Like there was a car wash called the Handy J

84:32And I wrote the review like I was expecting a hand job At the end of the car wash And it was blatant false advertising And there was a restaurant called the Happy Ending on Sunset So either way, it was just all written by this naive guy Who was in a shitty marriage and he was just looking for a handjob and none of these places gave him handjobs and this pink taco place in Arizona like some guy beats the shit out of him because he tries to get his daughter to fuck I mean it was just a silly thing I was doing but it got taken down because I guess somebody you know complained or was monitoring Yelp and I lost all my fucking you didn't write them down anywhere again no I was like that's before I even knew that you could do a screen grab like I just I think I'd... Well, wasn't there a thing that you could do on the internet, Brian, where you could go back and time? Time machine. Yeah. Not just that.

85:25Oh, you could go and... Yeah. Yeah, but that probably is not on there. I don't know. This was a couple years ago. How does that work? What it does is it's just a program, like a spider or a bot, that takes screenshots and kind of saves websites, kind of archives websites. It's called the Internet Archive. And it works... Where is this all stored at? I don't know. I think it's connected with some museum or something like that or some kind of weird thing, database. But it works like 70% of the time. You can go to your old website from like 91. Well, I didn't have a website in 91. Or 92 or whatever it was. I think it was 98 actually. Or 98. And you can see it. And some things will work. Some photos will work. Some things will work. That's wild. That's wild. That is weird. I have Pepsi Spice projects on there somewhere. Is it really? Yeah That's hilarious Brian did a thing Where he pretended That he was gonna eat

86:18Nothing but Pepsi Spice For like months And he got Pepsi Spice It was a new type Of Pepsi that they had And he got Pepsi Spice He registered it Because they were Fucking slow on the take And they didn't Realize the power Of the internet So then he writes This blog Detailing these horrific Fucking physical ailments That are occurring To him From just Eating nothing But Pepsi Spice What was it Spicy Pepsi Pepsi Spice It was like Ginger I don't remember that shit at all. It was gross. It was horrible. It was so awful. It was like Thanksgiving. Do you remember New Coke? They tried to fuck with Coke. I remember New Coke. Yeah. Coke Classic. It was like, what are you doing? And then they don't do that anymore, right? Now it's just Coke Classic. No, it's just Coke. They got rid of New Coke. Yeah, New Coke just was, it was a slow introduction. You know what it was like? It was like the metric system. They tried to shove it out the nose.

87:05It tastes like Pepsi. And then they pulled it back. They're, all right, we give up. We give up. We give up. New Coke just tasted like Pepsi. Do you think there's a different type of person who drinks Coke rather than Pepsi? Fuck yeah, man. I hate Pepsi. Drinking Pepsi is... It's all kind of the same, isn't it? I like Diet Pepsi better than Diet Coke. Do you think dumber people like Pepsi or smarter? Dumber. Smart people are drinking soda on a regular basis. Really? I bet they are. I know smart people that smoke cigarettes. We had this guy in this, Daniel Pinchback, this brilliant author, who told me he just quit smoking cigarettes. I was like, what the fuck? You what? What? you just quit too right tough man when did you quit i'm like on my third day so that's it not even i quit for a year a couple years ago and i smoked a joint with my my friend rolled a joint

87:52with tobacco in it and it fucking it's crazy once you have that little taste i was like hey roll me a cigarette like a couple days later i was staying with him in upstate new york after montreal and so i was kind of on vacation that vacation mode and was like i'll have a couple smokes until when When I get back to L.A., I'll stop. And went down to the city for a week and bummed a couple cigarettes. But cigarettes are like 15 bucks a pack there. So I was like, I'm just going to buy a pack and, you know, give them the people. And either way, it just snowballed into. Is that the only physical addiction you've ever had? Cock. Brian. Yeah, man, that's rude. That's rude behavior that your fucking little co-host is exhibiting. You know, this is going out on the Internet. Other people are going to hear this, dude. That's slander. or libel, whatever it is. Why don't you put a cock in your mouth and cry?

88:41Okay, listen, you took it too far. Back on. No, I've never had any real, like, you know, I like to drink and stuff. But you've never had, like, a physical craving like that before where you got attached to it? Cigarettes or alcohol? I mean, cigarettes is the only one like that? I mean, how bad is alcohol? Have you ever gotten to, like, a I need a drink every day stage? No. No. So it's cigarettes. What I was trying to get at was, like, cigarettes are inordinately tough. and much stronger. They have a much stronger pull than a lot of the other things that get people addicted. Well, because you don't get anything out of cigarettes, too. Like, cigarettes, if they got you high or drunk, like... They relax, though. But it's all just because you're poisoned, like... Do you get pissed off with those people that fucking tell you they can smoke and they don't ever get hooked? Because there's a lot of people that do that.

89:30They're called liars. I can do whatever I want. No, they're not. Really? I think there are different kinds of... I do lean more towards an addictive type. If there's something that's kind of fun, my impulse is to overdo it. I have self-control in other things. That's why you're funny. Almost all comics have that. Every comic that I know that's really funny is impulsive. Look at Kreischer. He's really impulsive. Brian Callen, really impulsive. Joey's impulsive as fuck. I'm glad that they're still improving the technology of a cigarette, though. They have Camel Crushes now. It's so bad. Which are so awesome. Like you're smoking a cigarette and you're like, you know what? I'm bored with this cigarette. Then you just crush the filter and it releases more chemicals into the filter. Then it tastes like mint. Yeah, then it's a menthol cigarette. It's a menthol cigarette. What?

90:16But it's a little chemical ball you're crushing. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Wait a minute, wait a minute. So you can change your experience? Yeah. You go from a regular cigarette or at any time back and forth? Yeah. No, no. Just once you go menthol, you can't go back. Right. But the whole pack has this available to it. The whole pack. The whole pack, yeah. They have little spearmint balls. Your cancer is going to get cancer. It's going to find out that that gives cancer cancer. Yeah, double cancer. Those mint balls give your cancer new cancer. So bad, man. But once you get out of the woods, when I quit a couple years ago, I mean, I went like a year, and it's been a year now that I've been smoking again. Right. Once you get out, or at least once I got out of the woods, like after a couple weeks, I was like, okay, I'm fine. I don't need this. Really? Yeah, I really didn't. I was pretty cocky about it.

90:58I was like, I'm never going to stick another one of those things in my mouth. Wow. And I would hang out at bars. I go out with my friends when they went to smoke I was like I'm done I don't smoke I read this book that helped a lot I mean granted I'm smoking again but because well but I mean under my circumstances though I kind of didn't really do it by choice like I smoked this joint that had tobacco I knew I tasted it right away but I was like I can fuck it I'm on vape it's been 11 months since I had a cigarette I can have a puff tobacco demon talking to you right is that what it is a nicotine demon well that's the way the guy That's the way he describes it in the book. You're just feeding this little monster that needs to be fed over. It's a very short... I even heard that after six months, it starts burning fat that has nicotine still in it. And so you start getting cravings again after a certain period.

91:46I don't know if this is bullshit. Someone said that too, and I thought that sounded silly. Seems kind of silly. It might be though. I know marijuana stays in your system. I think if you're really fat and you get super high, weed can stay in your system for weeks. yeah oh yeah it stays in your fat cells right yeah so if that I mean if it's there maybe I mean it's obviously the grip of that stuff is way stronger than the grip I mean there's people that say they get addicted to marijuana but there's nothing like the feeling that I don't think that they get with cigarettes they don't need to smoke it all day like that no it's more of a habitual I think marijuana you get hooked on the ritual of it I also huff this shit yeah I'm willing to I'm willing to believe that everybody has a different biochemistry and some people can get physically addicted to almost anything. I think people get physically addicted to sugar.

92:33Some people that have crazy sugar fixations where it's an addiction. Of course, dude. So they could get addicted to marijuana, but nothing like the addiction to cigarettes. That is one of the weirdest ones, man. It's a bitch. When you see people like when Brian starts smoking cigarettes again, it's almost like I have to accept that he got bit by a vampire. It's like, oh, he got bit by a vampire. All this talk of cigarettes makes me want to have a cigarette. Dude. Are you ever going to quit or are you just going to run away? I might bum one off you. Oh, really? You ready to give in? Today's been rough. Why has it been rough? No, I should. I've just been, you know, I keep fucking wanting one, but it's like, yeah, it's that. I'm not giving you. What is it? Explain it to me. What is it? What's the pull? It's a person who's never. I've had a cigarette or two in the day, but I've never got it.

93:22Yeah, it's just, it seems, it sounds like a really good idea. I just want to kind of fucking smoke a cigarette. And there is a little bit of a... You know what it's like? You know what it's like? When you go and you're hungry as fuck, and you go to the movie theater, and you smell that popcorn, and you're like, fuck, I need that popcorn. No, it can't be. It's got to be way crazier than that. Because I could pass on the popcorn. No, because you can sit there and not get popcorn, but if you sit there and keep on smelling it over and over again, it'll drive you crazy. Don't think of popcorn specifically. Think of like you're really hungry and you smell like cookies. How about this? We're at Fogo de Chow and the guy keeps coming back with the meat and I have my thing flipped over to red. Yeah. Is it that good? Yeah, it's more than that.

94:05It's like when you smell like somebody cooking cookies or brownies in your house. And you're like, oh, I need that fucking cookie now. It's like that. That's what the yearning's kind of like. Like it's something where it's like, oh. And when you get it, when you finally give in to the beast and you light that bitch up and you suck it in, what is that like? That completely goes away. That's stress. Yeah. It goes away, but then I guess mine's immediately going to be followed by guilt. Yeah, but you don't think, okay, here I am. I'm poisoning my body. Dude, oh, God, the thoughts that fucking go through my head. Yeah, it's so dumb. I think about it like I don't think about when I'm doing it. I think about it the next morning when I'm just like. You know what you should do, dude? You should start smoking a pipe. Nah. Smells better. You get your tobacco. Maybe you could smoke a pipe and be okay.

94:52You just got to stop doing it You guys are both junkies You guys can't help it It's an addiction man But you know this is like It's my third day It's also good for breakfast, lunch and dinner I'm not a I'm not a big daytime smoker I'm at night I don't smoke during the day You use it for lunch so you don't eat? Yeah If I'm really hungry and I'm just too busy I'll smoke a cigarette and that kills it for another 30 minutes. Oh, my God. That's so gross. Yeah. That's got to be terrible for you. But I do, if I'm around people, like I was staying with a buddy of mine in Austin and he wakes up in the morning, has a cup of coffee and a cigarette and I would do that. Oh, God. That's like the best combo ever. Is it? Well, it's just, it's more like, oh, again, like when in Rome, like, okay, but I wouldn't do that on my own. Does that give you a crazy head rush? What does that do for you?

95:42You know, I'm not crazy about that combo first thing in the morning. No, it makes my stomach feel shitty. I know, but... A lot of people swear by it. Even before they have food. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think a lot of people are... Really? Yeah. What's the big deal? I don't know. It just goes together perfect. It's the taste of the coffee and the taste of the syrup. Do you ever figure shit out from that combination? Is that a combination where you start your day out with a new perspective? Kind of. You get a little boost from the cigarette, a little boost from the coffee at the same time. It's kind of like a kickstart. It's amazing. Amazing. Makes you have to shit. Nobody ever talks about getting rid of cigarettes. They're like little evil demons that have collected themselves. It's amazing. It's totally amazing. It's amazing when you think about all the shit that is illegal.

96:25You think of the actual numbers that they're doing. I was talking to Henry Phillips about, I don't know if you guys know Henry. The guy who played guitar on Stan Hopes? Yeah, yeah. And we were just kind of drunk talking on the phone one night. And we were both talking about how, like, God, what are we still smoking? you know because he smokes cigarettes too and uh he's saying like yeah if like an alien life form was like looking down on us and they'd be like wait so this fucking thing kills you know like a million people a year and it's not illegal like why don't they just make it illegal and it's like well because these five guys are getting really rich off of it and he's like and the aliens would be like well why not just kill those five guys and save like the millions and just make it, like, it seems like a no-brainer. But it's like, yeah, that's just the way everything's fucked up.

97:14It's like, yeah, why not just kill the five guys who are fucking everything up for everyone? Well, there's two arguments. There's one, the freedom of, you know, the freedom argument where you're free to do whatever you want to do, even if it's ridiculous to say. Well, you can't do heroin if you want to. But why can't you? Because it's illegal. Right. But should we allow more things to be legal? That's the other question. It's like, we have enough problems of our own. No, I'm saying make cigarettes illegal. It would be hard because a lot of people say they want to be able to have a fucking cigarette. I know, but I think I'm one of the... A lot of people want to fuck 10-year-olds, too. You just can't do everything you want. Yeah, but that's different. I'm one of the smokers that would vote for it. If they legalize fucking 10-year-olds, that might be way more addictive than cigarettes. I've never done it.

97:54The cigarette is connecting to you. You fucking 10-year-olds is you interfering with other people's lives. You're making your own personal choice. You have your own personal freedom to go and dick to this. Well, I'm obviously being... I know, of course. But I mean, it's a weird thing that you want to say that it is illegal. Because I think you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want. I think if you want to smoke cigarettes and you know they're addicted, I think we should look down horribly on the people who sell them. Just like any person selling any fucking deadly drug. Yeah, I mean, especially things that just... What are those 599 fucking ingredients that they've added to cigarettes to make them more addictive? Like, what a crazy combo they've put together. Well, I've smoked those American spirits almost my whole career. And do they have the same cold?

98:42Their whole thing is it's 100% additive free tobacco. It's like whole food cigarettes. Is it less addictive? Nicotine's pretty addictive. So nicotine on itself is addictive enough and all the 599 other things just enhance. The other shit is like to make it, it's like what they do to food at McDonald's. It's designed to burn a certain way, for the ash to be shaped a certain way. Do you notice the difference between the cigarette experience from the natural ones and the ones like the cool lights or something? I do. What do you notice? What's the difference? You smoke like camels, right? I smoke camel lights. That's like a really strong one, isn't it? Camels are really strong. American Spirits actually, to me, feel like they do more damage just because it's a thicker smoke. They last longer. Yeah, they last longer. I'll smoke American Spirits. The next day, I'm coughing up black shit.

99:34You don't smoke as many of them. You can't smoke as many. I always find... It's so crazy. It's so ridiculous. How do you take your poison? You've got to be careful with the natural poison. Natural poison is hard to swallow. I think it's just... I don't think it's hard to swallow. I just don't think you want it as frequently. The other ones burn faster. They're like diet pop. You can suck down two camels for one. Camels used to have no filter. They still have those. All cigarettes have no filter and filter. Lucky Strikes. Marlboro doesn't make it. They have non-filter Marlboros? They used to. I don't know if they still do. They might. I don't know. They have the Camel non-filters also. I know that. And Lucky Strikes. What is that all about? What is the non-filter about? That's like some dude who's a fucking rockabilly shithead who's just going to the nth degree to fucking maintain his style.

100:29Rockabilly shithead. I love it. Why else are you smoking Lucky Strikes? Except for the package looks cool and goes good with your fucking bowling shirt with flames on it. Your fucking greased back hair. Your fucking tattoo of a howling cartoon dog. Yeah. I don't want to give any more descriptions because I don't want to get punched in the face by one of those guys when I'm in Austin. And there's those girls that have that very specific look, too. Those rockabilly girls. Brolesque. Brolesque girls, yeah. That's crazy in Austin. Yeah, it's just like, you know. yeah they all dress like they're from the 40s or some shit yeah the same as roller derby girls yeah they're all cut from the same cloth what the fuck is this longing for the nostalgic past that everybody has i don't know i have a joke about it what is it where i say uh i love roller derby

101:16i've never seen it but i like that it exists because it cuts down on all the crappy girl bands that would be around otherwise because it's just like a bunch of people who need some attention. It's like, yeah, don't start a band, dude. Yeah, do that. Fucking do burlesque or roller derby. I have a friend from the message board that's in a roller derby thing. Vicky from the message board. Well, it's just a joke. She's a nice girl. She gave me a roller derby girl t-shirt. I wear it. No, it's a cool thing. Roller derby girl t-shirt. Yeah. This fucking podcast is over. This thing's gone forever. Man. We rambled through a good part of it where I didn't know what the fuck we were talking about. That beginning part, I was not awake. We're too tired. That's the problem with doing a late night one. I work all day doing Fear Factor. I'm out in the fucking hot sun all day. That shit cooks your brain.

102:08You can drink a lot of water and rehydrating helps, but it makes you really stupid at the end of the day. You just get really tired. Can you see how many people started listening and stopped? It was 1,276. Not bad for the end. Been out forever. Two and a half hours, right? It's 11 p.m. on the East Coast, man. Oh, fuck. I have shit to do. It's late as fuck. Or on the West Coast, rather. It's 11 p.m. Yeah. All right. Thank you, Brendan, for coming by. That was awesome. Thanks for asking me. And please follow him on Twitter. It's B-R-E-N-D-O-N Walsh. Hell yeah, son. B-R-E-N-D-O-N Walsh, yeah, on Twitter. And I'll be in Bloomington, Indiana, at the Comedy Attic September 29th through October 1st. Tweet that, and I'll retweet it. And if you've never seen him, go fucking see him. Come, it'll be fun. That's a great place. You're one of those guys that right now, in my book of funny guys to watch,

103:01you're one of those that hasn't been nationally recognized yet, but it's going to happen quick. Cool, man. I really believe that. You're fucking hilarious, dude. The other night at the Ice House, you had me dying. The shows were fun. Well, you have a good crowd, man. That was really fun. Yeah, they're great. Yeah. Yeah, we're really lucky. And most of it is these fucking freaks that are listening right now. And we'll be in Houston. You dirty freaks. Yeah, we're going to be in Houston together. We're going to be there with the great Joey Coco Diaz. It's a bona fide experience, ladies and gentlemen. What is that, like October 7th? October 7th. And that's at the Verizon Wireless Theater. And this weekend, September 23rd. Yeah, yeah, September 23rd with Joey and Ari. And we're going to be in Denver, Colorado. And we're at the Paramount Theater. And it's almost sold out. so it's going to be a lot of fucking fun

103:51I haven't been back to Denver in a long time so I'm looking forward to that so that should be the shoot and then the weekend after that October the first week of October oh no the 30th the 30th of September I'm in Washington DC and that's at the Warner Theater and that's with Ari Shafir alright you dirty bitches you guys are awesome thanks for tuning in thanks for lasting all you Ustream freaks you hung in there and all your people listening to this at the gym and go, this is a very disjointed fucking weirdo podcast. Yes and no. Surely we could edit this and get the good parts and it would be an hour and 45 minutes of absolute deliciousness. This would be really good at 145. At 145 this podcast would be the shit. But I'm sorry we don't have that for you today. We have two hours and 20 minutes of disjointed conversation. Some of it's entertaining. Cut into thousands of pieces

104:43on U Street. And some of it is just plain cunty. So thanks for tuning in to the podcast and thanks for everything and thanks to The Fleshlight for sponsoring the podcast. If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. Oh shit. Brendan Walsh is going to take one home with him and shoot mad loads in that shit, son. I don't know if I can trust myself. Well, yeah. Maybe I will. You're going to do it. I'm going to be back on Sunday, this Sunday evening with Graham Hancock and And that is going to be fucking awesome. One of my favorite authors of all time. If you've never heard of him, go look him up online. Watch some of his videos on YouTube. Google him. Buy his books. Fingerprints of the Gods changed the way I looked at the world. And he's going to be here this Sunday. So that's it. I'll see you guys soon.

105:34Thanks for everything. Bye-bye.