Freddy Lockhart

00:00We're recording to server. Get the fuck out of here, server. We're playing music that no one's heard. This shit is Die Antwoord's D Antwoord's original band. Max Norm. I'm a big fan of this shit. Start tingling That's the real deal Get severe Bring on the glory Decide with these mystery hooks Will kids be reading about our story And their history Whoops What happened? Whoops Well, let's just say that That's a fucking South African band That's D Antwoord now But they were a bunch of different things Before they were D Antwoord And I've been obsessed with them For the last couple of weeks, man They're fucking awesome Every now and then you catch a band That's the shit Speaking of the shit, Freddie Lockhart, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Old school comedy road dog. Yeah, what up, Joe? My friend from many, many, many, many, many, many moons ago. True that.

01:10Back when Freddie was actually working at the Comedy Store, Freddie started out the right way. Like so many Comedy Store warriors have done, working there, either doing the door or working the cover booth. and that's one of the cool things about the Comedy Store is that almost everybody working there wants to be a comic. Almost everybody working there wants to make it in show business. There's a lot of people that are great people that work in other clubs but they're not there because they want to be comedians. The Comedy Store is entirely comprised of people who want to be comedians. Even the accountants. Everybody. It's ridiculous. Unfortunately, except for the fucking managers and that's why the place sucks a bag of dicks. Oh! I got it! Oh! One of the all-time classic comedy clubs. Yeah, CBGB's a comedy. It's not run by Mitzi Shore anymore, unfortunately. No.

02:02But it's still a great fucking place, and that's where I met Freddie Lockhart. Back in the Disney. Fleshlight. Fleshlight is our sponsor. We have to let everybody know about that. You can go to JoeRogan.net and buy it, and if you click the link and enter in the code name ROGAN, you get 15% off. That's what it is, right? Show him the alien fleshlight. See that blue? Oh, where is it? Oh, this one. This is the alien one. It's blue and it's got two clits. Nice. Put your finger in it. If you're a Star Trek freak. Nobody's fucked this. I wouldn't do that. Except me. I've always wondered. I was like, what does it feel like? That's pretty good. What do you think? It's a pretty interesting feeling, right? It definitely feels better than, well, probably my rough hands. Yeah. You just warm that up. There's no blisters on it. No scratching. Just warm it up a little.

02:47I'll be in Austin, Texas this weekend, all weekend, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday at Cap City Comedy Club and Joey Coco Diaz will be with me. It's a rare treat. We get to bring Joey on the road. The thing about Joey is Joey's the best. He's my favorite comedian ever of all time. But he's about as reliable as a fake Rolex. You just can't count on him. I started taking people with me. I only used to bring one opener for the longest time. But Joey flaked so many times that I started taking a second opener with me just so that I could still book Joey. So if the shit hit the fan, it only hit the fan like one out of every 20 times. But it hit the fan every now and then. And you'd be in Jersey going, where the fuck are you? I'm not going to lie to you, dog. I never left Vegas. Fuck! The excuse is always admirable and entertaining at best, too. If you get an excuse, you might just not get phone calls back. What do you want?

03:47Yeah, for like months. What, dog? And then once you do talk to him, it never gets brought up. What up, dog? What are we doing? What's up cock licker? I don't want to go back to those days of my life. So he's going. We had a scare today. I thought he wasn't going to go. You never know with Joey. Anything can happen. I got something going on dog. It's a Disney Channel movie. I think it's going to be big. I get to show my balls. They're going to blur it out. Have you seen the previews of his Disney movie? No. What is it called? It's called The Dog That Saved Christmas. And they're releasing a whole bunch of them. and the first one Joey was like 400 pounds or whatever how big he was and then he lost a lot of weight and so now they were like really concerned but anyways I just saw the preview I think it's just about to come on DVD I saw the preview and Joey Diaz has a little scene in there where he's in drag and it's the cutest

04:34thing you'll ever see what the fuck would they care if he loses 100 pounds he looks better he looks like he's healthy just write it into the goddamn script that's what they ended up doing how hard is that they wrote in the whole Weight Watcher thing is he keeping it off he's still keeping the weight off what does he eat right or something Yeah, he does Weight Watchers. He falls for him. I got points, cocksucker. He'll explain it to you with anger in his voice. Oh, that's correct. Good for him. Yeah, he's like, a fucking slice of pizza and a Coke. That's eight points. You can't take eight points, cocksucker. You deserve to be fat. He'll get fucking angry. He gets very passionate about his Weight Watchers. But yet, when I go out to eat, he'll be like, all right, this is only four Weight Watchers points. I'm like, dude, that's nachos with fried salmon Snickers. How many points is that? Oh, it's like 80 points.

05:16Is that supposed to be your whole day? So what did he lose? He lost 100 pounds? He lost 100 fucking pounds. That's pretty fucking impressive. He put it together, man. Especially not doing the lap band or the gastric podcast. Yeah. It's the old school way. He got really upset about that, too. We would talk about it. He goes, I'm not going to do it, dog. I'm not going to do it. He got real passionate about it. He goes, Ralphie Mays had that fucking thing. He blew it out twice. Yeah. He said, surgeries, I'm not going to get cut open, bro. I'm not going to get fucking cut open. Right, right. He just, he manned up He manned up and he fucking lost the weight It's incredible Well the thing with those things too It's like your brain doesn't catch up with what has happened to your body You know what I mean? It's like that's part of the whole working for it process You know Yeah, you can't just fucking rewire your body

06:01And then your brain is still jacked this need Constant need for food Yeah, yeah, big time It's an obsession, man People become so, it's so easy for people to get obsessed with things For me, I can get obsessed with Q-tips Putting Q-tips in my ears I can get obsessed with video games. I can get obsessed with beating off. I can get obsessed with things where they just consume me like I have to do them. Yeah, yeah. Dude, what the fuck kind of a flaw is that shit? What a goofy-ass flaw. It sucks. At least mine is not the food one. Right, exactly. Mine was always the weed one, the sleeping one. It could be bad things, but I'm just at least smart enough to not deny the addiction, just to know it could get out of hand if I gave in to it. You've got to be careful. You know, respect the beast in there. Yeah, you got to be very careful. It's like dudes who used to smoke cigarettes.

06:49You know, I'm just going to have one cigarette. Oh, come on. Oh, dude. You're getting in a wrestling match right here with the devil. Yeah. He's going to tie you up, bitch. Yeah, yeah. You're screwed with that. You fucked up. I just complete out and out, stay away from it. It's like the video games, the Grand Theft Auto. I got so addicted to it. Like my life was, I was literally dreaming and thinking. And my mindset would be like, oh, just take that cop's car and jack him. and then we'll get to the gig quicker. Like, in real life, it starts coming up, right? That's my subconscious mind, but luckily my conscious mind's like, no, you, no. Do you think that rewires kids and makes them more susceptible? I agree with him. I used to play this game where you jumped from building to building. I forget which game it was. Oh, City of Heroes. And after I played it for like a month straight, like 10 hours a day,

07:34I would go outside and forget I can't jump on top of buildings. Like, I was just driving going, oh, I could jump on that building and that building. I'm like, what am I thinking? And it's like if you're a... That seems very Darwinian. If you're a kid... Now, if you're a kid and you haven't laid down at least those deep-rooted thoughts that will tell you that you can't do that. That little voice that says, no, don't kill him. You've got physical limitations. The law doesn't even hold you accountable until you're eight years old for murder or something like that. So think about that. If you're playing those video games and you're four or five, that's all you know. You don't think. You just pull the trigger, especially boys. When you have little girls and you see them around little boys, you realize how fucking crazy boys are from the get-go. There are a lot of things that are fucked up

08:13About human beings because of our culture But there's a lot of shit that's just in there When you see little boys This little boy, there was two little Two year old babies In this big inflatable play thing And one like 7, 8 year old boy And this 7, 8 year old boy Was fucking Throwing himself through the air And crashing into the walls With no regard to these babies That were around there It was such a trip to watch and I was watching I'm like dude you gotta settle down you gotta settle down and you're looking at them like he can't even help himself this kid is wired up with this fucking chimpanzee DNA I mean he's like six man and he's just throwing himself into the cage of this thing yeah it's just they are they're ingrained that way they're crazy he's gotta get that shit out it's inside of him if you take a kid like that and don't exercise that should be a crime it should be a crime to have a little male monster

09:04and not work it out yeah you gotta you gotta give him treat him just like a dog give him a ball and make him go chase it. Dude, when I first started doing wrestling in high school, I first started really working out. I did martial arts before that, but quite honestly, the karate class that I did before wrestling, it wasn't good. It wasn't hard enough to really break you. Right. But wrestling practice would break you. It would break you. Make you question yourself. But you get out of there, though, and you're so peaceful. Oh, yeah. There's nothing left. Yeah, absolutely. You don't need to get upset about some asshole who cuts in front of you at the red light. It's all like, whatever. I would see those guys in high school. I played football. And the thing is, it was only hard for two weeks, hell week, the beginning of summer, especially in Arizona. It's hot as hell.

09:49But the higher you went up in varsity, it was so easy because they didn't want anybody getting hurt. Nobody was going. In freshman football, you had to hit the biggest gut. They didn't care. They just sized anybody against anybody. But I would watch the wrestlers go back to the locker room after we went back to the locker room. I was like, those guys just, I mean, they would just lay there. They would be drenched. Brutal. But you never saw them on campus doing the meathead crap that we were doing, the football players. They were exhausted. They were exhausted. And they knew. They get humbled, too. And they knew that they could end the situation a lot quicker than we could. There's that, but there's also they get it out of their system. Yes. If you're always competing with men and you're always throwing yourself in there, you don't want to do it anymore. Oh, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

10:26It's like you're doing it in, it's the safest way to do it and deal with your biology. What you're doing is you're doing it in a controlled environment with a bunch of other people who agree to it. and it's honorable and you do it like you tap each other around and there's not even any hard feelings man. It's like when you do jujitsu there's no hard feelings when guys get caught. You know, you get so many taps and you go, that's what happens. You get caught. What did I do wrong? Did I put my arm through? Oh, I fucked up. I forgot to put the arm here. Alright, thank you. Thank you. Then you go back again. It's like, but you get all this ingrained male dominator shit out of your system. We're not supposed to live all like hanging out like this. Oh yeah, yeah. With chimps, you know, like, you know, Chimps don't hang out that much. If they get together with other chimps, if they go meet other chimps, they have little tribes.

11:08If they go meet other chimps, they're fighting. They're gangs. They're fucking fighting. For sure, to the death. Sometimes they creep over and they don't even know these chimps. They just jack them. They just decide who's on their team and that's it. But we've got to deal with so many people all day long. You can't just jack people. But those signals are still present in ghostly form in your brain. That's why I'm a dick on YouTube videos. in what way what do you mean i'm just kidding i'm not a dick no no it's like message boards watching people on message boards angry and psycho this dude i'm always like all right if we are talking about something in a room together all in a group and you're the person sitting there like this person's fat oh god this person sucks that's so stupid i'm like are you gonna be sitting

11:54there going yeah listen to that guy no you're gonna be doing the same thing you do on a message board where it's just like what's wrong with this psycho crazy which says we have a social face that We put on for social issues, but at home, that's maybe who you really are, the shit you're saying on YouTube. We've all been out with someone who's barely keeping it together. Someone who's like, yeah, nice shirt. That's a great shirt. Yeah. I'm like, who the fuck is this guy? Wow. Did you shit on my shirt? They're just boiling under the sun. I'm just kidding around with you, man. I'm just kidding around with you, man. Just unsolicited. They do the thing where they take a left turn when they see your reaction. Like, what the fuck? And they're like, oh, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, I am kidding. It's just like, I'm not that mean. Yeah, there's a bunch of dudes Who just like to get douchey with dudes

12:32And they just need to get out of their fucking system Yeah, please How dare you, Brian It's funny, the other day I called Freddy And he called me back and said Sorry, I just woke up And I looked at the clock and I was like, oh, it's 2.30 Yeah, yeah You guys' day had already ended That's the real shit That's how Freddy's rocking it, man He's a fucking comic Well, he's an artist, Joe That's your Tommy Let me hear it Well, it's not just that Okay I hear you've been talking to Mitzi. Well, Mitzi and I did talk. You can work out in the belly room, Joe. But that's it for right now. Wow, what an honor. How often do you rub her feet? Well, it's not just that. Because Richard Pryor needs to rub her feet. Freddie Lockhart, by the way, used to be on the Frank Caliendo show and is, in my opinion, one of the best impressionists out there. You do impressions that are very weird, man.

13:27You do some impressions that no one else does. I figure that's what you should do. I always figure it's like, why do I get in and do something? The Nicholson, the ones like that. It's like I try to find a strange one and I do it. Like Ice-T, man. Don't nobody do Ice-T. Bunch of bitches. I do Ice-T better than Ice-T, man. I do his voiceover work and whatnot. I love to say whatnot. You got the lisp in everything. He fights a little lisp there, right? He fights a little if, but it's kind of gangster, and it works for him. You know what I'm saying? Bitch, it's dig it. I used to do that at the comedy store. I used to call the comedy store as Ice-T, and this poor guy, Kenny Tenney, this guy used to work the phones there. Do you remember this guy? Kenny Tenney. He was Mitzi's pool guy, and something was off with him, definitely. I don't want to say what he had, but he definitely wasn't thinking right,

14:19but he made money. He had a pool company. He cleaned pools and he did it well, but he functioned like an eight-year-old. And I would call him every time he would pick up the phone. I would call him and I would be iced tea. And he would fall for it every time. Be like, yo, man, I'm bringing 30 people in tonight, man. What you got on my booth situation? He'd be like, Mr. T, we don't have a booth at 630. I'm like, you better build one for me. Well, I'll see if we can. I'm just like, oh. That's hilarious. That's how I would brush up on the impression is if I could fool Kenny Tenney, I felt like it was golden. Yeah, how do you work impressions? Do you practice them at home and then eventually bring them to the stage? Or do you know when you hear somebody whether or not you can do it? You know, there's a lot of people, if you hear them right away, I know I can do it.

15:03If somebody tends to have a deeper voice or something like that, or if there's a weird thing about them, I know I can do it. But I always, more so than the way it sounds, it's the way somebody looks when they talk. Because people move their mouth a certain way. That'll reveal half the impression. I noticed you did that with the Obama thing. That Obama thing, I watched it online where they took some footage from the 70s, it looks like, and inserted your clips into it. That was great stuff, man. You really do a good Obama, man. That was a show on Super Deluxe, an internet series I had, but the whole thing was I would take facts and skew them a little. I love time traveling. It's my biggest obsession. Really? Yeah, I'm obsessed with it. I'm working on a show right now about time travel. That's fascinating. You're talking to the right guy. I'm talking tachyon particles, the whole thing. I'm into it, man.

15:46Do you know who Ronald Mallett is? Do you know the whole story? No, no, no. How the fuck do you know time travel? You don't know who Ronald Mallet is. I love time travel. Dude, Ronald Mallet is the premier expert in America on time travel. And this is the crazy part about him. We've talked about him on the show before, but I'm going to bring it up again. Just because it's such a fascinating story. The dude's like a fucking Spider-Man comic book. His dad died when he was a child, so he became obsessed. He loved his dad and became obsessed. I did read about him. I know exactly. He's a black guy. He's a black guy. Okay, yeah. University of Connecticut. Sure. And he developed Isn't it funny that we have to say he's a black guy? Yeah, but that's why I was like, man, ride on Because I was excited when I saw he was black Super powerful, you know, like Neil deGrasse Tyson Those kind of guys You said his son died?

16:29No, his father died Here's the story, his father died Brian, how dare you Was he robbing a place? He's so white too, the way you say it He just smelled like cheese Was he fixing a convenience store? They were into baseball together, him and his old man They collect cards and stuff. So his whole life became obsessed with time travel because he wanted to go back in time and save his dad. Well, it's fucking trippy shit. The guy has a peer-reviewed paper that he wrote on time travel where physicists agree, like, theoretically, this all makes sense. If you could develop this kind of power, you could go back in time. Right now, we can't develop the kind of power that's necessary to do it. But that's some trippy shit. Isn't he currently building a light thing that he's trying to send a light back in time? Yeah, light back in time. Literally back in time. And it makes sense what he's saying.

17:15And I was, I actually, when I stumbled upon that, I was excited because I thought, you know, time travel. I always thought it to be possible. My mom worked at NASA when I was a little kid. And I think that's where the curiosity started. When I lived at Edwards Air Force Base, they were always texting, like testing X jets and crazy shit that the government was working on, which just made me know that, you know, they're really aware of shit that we had no idea about. And that's when I kind of got into time travel. And I thought, you know, you could future time travel, just manipulation of time. Basically, you stay above the Earth's atmosphere at a mile or go a gazillion miles an hour. you'll come back and you'll have lost time or no, you'll be ahead you'll be still 30 but everyone will be 100 years old right, so I was doing that but I got really excited

17:51when I read his article that you could go back in the past like wait a second, you can do that? you know, you can possibly they think you could only go back to the moment the first time machine was invented but that's just theoretical too I had this argument with Brandon Christie about this and the whole thing about time travel it's like doesn't time, once it's exposed isn't it all a moot point after that? you know what I mean? but that's what they talk about with the grandfather clause If you go back and you shoot your grandfather, then that makes it impossible for you to time travel. But that doesn't because I think that just means you break time. They didn't take that option into consideration when people talk about that story. The grandfather paradox, they always say, well, if you did go back in time, you'd kill your grandfather before your father was ever born.

18:31Therefore, you would never exist to make the time machine. But that doesn't mean you couldn't do that. You could still do that. People say, well, that means you couldn't have a time machine. Well, yeah, you could. You could. You would just do that, and then you'd break everything. Right. It would be like a parallel life. Kind of like back to the future. There was two 1955s. That's when it becomes string theory. It goes off into another world. There's people that believe, and this is a very strange theory, but it might be just as real as the one we live in, that they believe that every second you live your life, every decision you make, everything you do, All the energy that he puts out guides you into various parallel dimensions. And that we are not just living in one dimension. That we are living in an infinite number of dimensions that are all around us all the time.

19:18And we can choose to slide through these dimensions with our thoughts. Oh, wow. As you live your life, as you live your life correctly, as you live your life in the direction that you want to do with little procrastination and focused and love and joy. as you do this correctly, you move through higher and higher dimensions. Well, that's... That they all exist all around us. Pretty much what Buddhism teaches, too, and the whole thought. And even with the yogis, they know about that through meditation and time travel. Well, I don't know if they know about that. I mean, you can't say they know about that. Yeah, they can't say they know about it. It's a theory. It's an idea. Western science has come along and started to pick up and ask why, you know, and find the things in the brain that make it possible. Did you guys see the thing on CNN last week with the alleged time traveler lady with the cell phone?

20:01That's nonsense. First of all, there were crazy people back then, too. People aren't even paying attention. They had hearing aids back then. Exactly like that. Yeah, what's crazy is that video became big and then the next day all the places were like, no, it's just a hearing aid, but yet I still get emails every day from people. Dude, I get Twitter messages all day. Is time travel real? Yeah, there's cell phone towers in 1910, you fuck. How is this fucking phone working? Who's this cunt calling? Yeah, who is she with? Is this bitch calling the future? Is she calling from the past to the future? because otherwise it's not a fucking phone for her to be calling. Right. It would have been more realistic if she was just staring at it. I'm not impressed by someone holding their ear up to their head. Well, yeah, that one was just, they wanted to throw it out there and they knew that they couldn't back it up. CNN ran it.

20:43It was like, you know, and I want to believe. What the fuck is CNN running that for? It was the front page, too. That's just so distracting. That's so stupid and distracting. And, you know, as much as I love time travel, I was like, come on, don't make a mockery of time travel by showing crap like that. That's what really sucks. Think about if you could even time travel. If you could go to the 80s and whip out your iPhone, you'd get arrested for witchcraft, dude. I mean, they would stomp you to death if they saw that thing. Yeah, a voice would die. If you go 10 years ago, that would happen to you. You know what I mean? It's like the way technology... I think in our lifetime, like, the kids today... It's true. It's like the kids today... We're closer to kids who grew up in, like, the 1940s. We're closer to cavemen. Exactly. The way things have changed...

21:23Dude, I'm watching kids today growing up with porn from the get-go. Yeah. These kids are, like, 13. They're taken in the ass. so you think that's what you're supposed to do. You know? I mean, it's the chickens have come home to roost. All those shitty parents out there that make porn stars, all those shitty parents have infected other people's kids as well through porn. Yeah, they're getting porn on their PlayStation. They're just taking pictures of their pussies and shit and sending them throughout class. People, their kids are filthy today. Dirty little fucks. I was cleaning my laptop out last night, going through all this shit, just trying to make room for it because it's just crazy crowded. And I'm just going through all these videos And I found out that if you have the mail app and you have a Gmail account on there, it will download everything from your Gmail account, every video, every photo.

22:09At least that's the setting I had. And so I was like, where's all my hard drive space? So I'm going through all this shit, and there was videos that people had sent me that must have went to spam folders, like crazy videos, just spam videos and stuff. one of them was this woman where they were taking the you've all seen this where the the the funnel with the putting the eels in the woman's and then it starts shooting out like salmon well i'm showing my this girl i just met i'm like doing this in front of her and she looks over she goes what the fuck are you looking at i'm like i don't know but that's just crazy to think like somebody sent me that video if i ever lose my laptop and like the fbi goes hey let's go see what's in this laptop oh he has videos of young girl with salmons coming out of their ass you know oh my god How old was the girl? No, I'm not saying... Salmons are big.

22:54I'm not saying that. I'm just saying what... Yeah, I was going to say. Upstream. But that video exists on my laptop without me knowing is what I'm talking about. It could be anything. It could be child porn. It could be anything. That's what I'm saying. But that was kind of scary. So fuck the mail app. Well, that's the thing, too. It's like that's desensitized. Think if you're in third grade and you see that. Around fifth grade, we'd get a Debbie Does Dallas tape. Somebody's dad would have it. Somebody would have the balls to gank it. while his old man was drunk, and it would pass around eighth grade. Everybody got to see it, and you put it back, and you gave it back to the kid. But that was pretty much porn then. It's like now, yeah, they can look at it on their cell phone in class. Yeah, their iPhones. iPhones get – the HTML5 is like the standard for porn sites now because the iPhones don't use Flash.

23:39So all these porn sites are switching to HTML5, and you can watch that shit on your iPhone. Dude, what a gangster move that was on Steve Jobs' part, too. He's a bad motherfucker. He's a gangster. He goes, you know what? I won't put Flash needs to catch up with me. I mean, that was just like bald. 85% of the animated websites on the internet use it. He's like, no. You know, back in the day when you liked a girl, you were like, hey, meet me at the big toy and I'll finger you or touch your boobs or stuff. Nowadays, they're just like, hey, go to the bathroom and finger your pussy. And I'm going to go into the bathroom and finger my dick. And then we're going to FaceTime it. We're going to FaceTime it on the third grade Wi-Fi network. Can you imagine what these kids are doing nowadays with FaceTime and kids and stuff? It should also honestly make for some really smart fucking kids, though.

24:24If they use the knowledge, there's going to be some smart fucking kids. Yeah, they'll be so much more aware than we were at that age. Yeah, they're going to be much more advanced. I didn't know anything at that age. I didn't know a damn thing. When I was 18, I get very uncomfortable around people who are religious because I thought maybe they knew something. I thought maybe they were in on something and they were like more powerful because they believed it. That's what I thought when I was 18. That's how fucking dumb I was. I was religious when I was younger and then when I was 18 I was like, when you're young, you're fucking dumb, man. I had no access to information. There was no fucking internet when I was a kid. I had the people in my neighborhood and school. Is that shit anywhere grounded inside your brain though? Does it ever come out where you're sitting there

25:06like after an earthquake and you're like, Jesus, you bring out your rosary and stuff and just sit back. No, it's not at all. No, it's gone. Were you big time? Were you Catholic? Yeah, I was raised Catholic when I was in first grade. And then I immediately thought it was horse shit because first grade was so horrible. This fucking cunt nun that I had. Sister Mary Josephine. This fucking crazy bitch. She was just incarnate evil. Just an evil, dried up old woman who had wasted her life on some nonsense and fucking hated kids. Were you super religious growing up? No, not at all. My parents were an interracial couple. It's like, already, that's just kind of like, come on. You do a lot of cocaine. My parents, though, what happened with me is I went from this religious upbringing from Catholic school in first grade to moving to San Francisco in second grade with my mother's new husband, who was a hippie. Oh, wow.

25:58Computer programmer with long hair. So my dad was this cop, douchebag, in Jersey. And I grew up in that Catholic. Hey, you're not in the Lord's name in vain. Son of a bitch, they slap you in the head. I grew up in that. People were just smacking the head for no reason. And then I grew up in that, and then all of a sudden, hippies in San Francisco. So it was a total trip. My next-door neighbors were these gay dudes who used to get naked and hang out with my aunt because my aunt didn't worry about them fucking her because they were gay. Gay as fuck. Big, muscular black guy. Dark, black, Africa, Kenya. Black as fuck. He'd just be naked walking around his house. And his boyfriend. And both of them would just, then they all would get together and just smoke weed and take their clothes off. Wow. Wow. Nobody fucked. Nobody did anything. They just lie around smoking weed. And I knew about this when I was seven. Wow.

26:44You know, so I went from this fucking crazy primate jungle of Jersey Italians. Yeah, chest beating. Smacking each other and throwing shit at each other. It's just like being in a chimp cage, right? So I went from that to hippies and gay dudes who are naked smoking weed, hanging out with my aunt. That is hilarious, dude. This is the craziest fucking 180 ever. And you got good parts of both, though, wouldn't you say? Like, good parts of, like, you know, the progressive thoughts and ideas, but also that, you know, you're not your typical pussy comic. I'll tell you that much. The East Coast thing is where men are forced to become men at a quick age. You get fucked with. You know, dudes are looking to kick your ass. Right. You know, a lot of the West Coast people, it's a little more relaxed than that. And it's good. It's good that it's more relaxed than that.

27:35But I think it creates people that are a little more confused. Yeah, there does seem to be a survival of the fittest element in the Jersey, New York area. Yeah. Like a lot of the kids. Smart people there too, man. Yeah. Talk to some stressed out, smart motherfuckers in New York. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're intense, man. They're fucking stressed out. They want to step outside for a cigarette? Step outside. You know, you don't even know what's going on with Lehman Marcus and the fucking... The whole way the system is set up, it's impossible for them to fail. What they're doing is they're getting fucking painless. These are smart, super intense motherfuckers. I have to choose what I do here because I can go with you on this crusade. Right, yeah, exactly. And lose my life to this crazy type of thinking. Or I can go, yeah, I'm going to go to California. Yeah. And I'm going to smoke some pot and relax.

28:15There definitely is. There is an intensity on the East Coast. I mean, there's definitely a reason all the Ivy League schools are on the East Coast. Yeah. It's like there's an intensity there, and there's a fervor about things. I believe part of it has to do with dealing with weather. Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I think that dealing with weather is a humbling thing, and I think it makes you, you know, you have to stockpile food for the winter. Sure. And you didn't just have to do it in 1950. You had to do it in 1850 when there's no refrigerators. And a lot of those people that lived there are the ancestors from people that lived. I mean, those are the people that established it. And the other people, if they weren't there 200 years ago, they were in another country. And they took a chance coming over on a fucking boat to some place they've never seen when there was no movies about it, no internet.

28:54They had to hear stories from someone, a letter. You know, dear John, I have made it here to the new land. Oh, the fruit is plenty. The brown people are strange. They have paint on their face. Gold is everywhere. Come soon. Right. So they just took chances and fucking got on boats and traveled across a goddamn ocean when there's no GPS, no cell phones, no fucking flares. Bitch, if that fucking boat goes down, you're done. Yeah, that's it. You're in the middle of the ocean, which is bigger than the continent. On a gamble for a maybe. Goddamn it. You're just hoping to float it out, you crazy asshole. That's how bad Europe sucked. Europe sucked so bad in the 1700s. Dudes were willing to get dysentery and cholera. What would they get? Scurvy from no vitamin C. They were fucking eating rats, bro, to stay alive. People were dying. They were throwing them off the boat. A lot of people died. They would get sick.

29:48Everyone would get ill. Yeah, the plague. That's why they'd rather come here to nothing. Yeah. To have an established roads and shit. We had nothing, and then we built our own. We made our own. Yeah, they came to trees and water, and they're like, I'll take it. We'll take it. Get me the fuck away from these douchebags over there. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And they kept the attitude, too, especially on the East Coast, where they colonized. They just kept the attitude. And I think it seems to me that the West Coast is all slowly, as far as you get out, a big percentage of those people are going to be the children of the people who originally landed. Oh, right. They're going to be the people that got there. Everybody landed on the East, pretty much, right? Right. And so then they go, well, fuck this place. Let's keep moving West. Yeah. And they kept going and going and going and going. Right.

30:30So the people that made it all the way here, it's almost like spoiled children. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? It's almost like they don't appreciate what it takes to make all this happen. Like you're lucky. You're just in a lucky spot. Right. You found a spot where it doesn't snow. Yeah. And it doesn't get too hot. Yeah. And it hardly ever rains. It's an easy spot to live. It really is. And they say it does something to the psyche as far as, you know, the lack of change kind of almost puts us in a trance. Yeah. You know, where you gear up for winter back east and all that. I do like the idea of socializing there on the East Coast. They are a lot more social with each other. If you're in New York, you can see a real heated debate get really heated but never come to blows. Where on the West Coast, it would come to blows. It comes to stupid. Exactly. We don't cross paths with each other as much as they do.

31:15We don't share a confined space. It's real spread out here. It always has been. They walk. Yeah, they walk. No one walks here. In California, there's no walking. So it's a much worse setup Because you're so disconnected From all the people around you That's why there's such a big contrast Between the haves and have-nots here It's the most obvious It's the most bling-bling part of the country One of the reasons why Is because you feel disconnected From all the people that you're around You're not touching them You're not in contact with them You're not on the subway with them You're not walking on the street Interacting with them And because of that You feel like you're disconnected from them You feel like you're not a part of them They're something else And it makes a separatism between the two gaps. And there's a lack of respect for each other. And it's like, that's the thing is you don't hear,

31:56you know, the most racist, homophobic people are places where there aren't any. Yeah. You know, which is so funny because it's just so... I will never understand people who hate gay people because out of all the gay people I've ever met, 70% of them were entertaining as fuck. They're the nicest, happiest people in the world. They're like little teddy bears that have dicks and they're trying to fuck you. Jeff, the piano guy, man. Was he one of the coolest motherfuckers of all time? He's so cool. So cool. Creative, cool, loyal. A great guy. Why would you care if it had nothing to do with you? That's what I don't care. So stupid. The real prejudice should be against people who are prejudiced against gay people. Right. What the fuck is wrong with you? Right. You can't. That's like being. Look, it sounds like a terrible thing to say. But it's like being upset at someone for any other physical animality. Sure.

32:44Like being short. Yeah. You know, having a big fucking nose. Exactly. You hate people that have a big nose. He's born gay. Right. If you don't think someone's born gay, hang out with gay people. Right. Who chooses it? They will all tell you, man. Right. Almost to a man. They all were like, when I was seven, I looked at the catalogs and I got hard on. Right. I didn't know why. Right. Sports Illustrated made my dick tingle. They all tell you that, man. There's some deep-seated fear that they have it within them if they hate them, I think. There's some dudes that could be pushed into it, and I think they're very scary. Yeah. Yeah, those are very scary. There's a lot of on-the-fence people. There's a lot of people. They're also wired to do what they're not supposed to do. Right. There's a lot of people that are just wired to do shit that's wrong. I think it has something to do with people that like blowjob videos.

33:24Guys that like blowjob videos. Well, I think some dudes, for real, some dudes are so dumb that they fight the system no matter what. They're wired to not do what they're supposed to do. But if they're in a situation where they're drunk and they're with a guy, the situation they're not doing is not let this guy suck your dick. But they might be so crazy and stupid. Let's see what this is like. Just because I don't give a fuck. bro. I'll do whatever. And I know we all have guys in our head that we're thinking of, but it's just like, and probably some of the same guys, too. Yeah. Especially within this thing, when you meet guys like that. I've met so many. One we were talking about earlier in your kitchen. Yeah, there's a lot of them out there. There's a lot of people that are a mess. But still, man, the prejudice against hating gay people, to me, is one of the most disturbing ones. It's getting exposed that it

34:15ain't cool, though. I mean, it's definitely there, but some really cool people are starting to say, knock it off. It has to be, because I want to be able to use the word faggot and not worry about anything. I don't want anybody thinking I'm a goddamn homophobe, because I'm not at all, not even a little bit. And I want to be able to make fun of crazy people like Ted Haggard and not be called a homophobe. Oh, right, right. Or this Eddie Long character that's been banging kids. There's a lot of these crazy religious assholes that are pretending to be straight when really they're gay and they're fucking people. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with being gay. What I'm talking about is some crazy liar. And I'm talking about two people that are in a consensual relationship and they enjoy each other company and they both happen to be guys. What do I give a fuck about that?

34:55What's funny to me is crazy assholes like Ted Haggard. Oh, yeah, who go on a crusade. Super religious and doing meth and getting hookers off Craigslist. Just loking out. But it's a funny thing. Whereas if you start making fun of that guy, all of a sudden you're making fun of all games. Yeah, that's where it's getting kind of ridiculous. It's like you still have to be able to, like, you know. You've got to be able to make fun of everything if it's valid. There's hood people and we make fun of them. It's not like we're making fun of all black people. Remember everybody getting raped in here? Remember the internet person? What is that? Everybody getting raped in here. Everybody getting raped in here. It's like, we were made fun of that person. Not all black people. It's just that person. Same with the flamboyant gay or the guy hiding it. I mean, guys like Hagrid, that's hilarious.

35:36It's like you find out he's not just gay, but he's the most devious, just disgusting. Like, it's almost like a Law and Order episode. It's so bad. It's like, are you kidding me? I loved the gay hooker that he was banging went on CNN. My man just outed him. He's like, yeah, I'm a gay hooker. He just went on CNN and admitted he was a gay prostitute. And he had sex several times with Ted Haggard and they smoked meth together and shit. So brilliant. Whoa, that guy got on CNN. I think he probably got more dick after that. I bet his fucking roster was stocked every day. No, the gay hooker. I bet that was the best thing for his business ever. Big time. If he was smart, he would have said, I'll go on. Just poke my website up there. Plug my website. Yeah, he got Bible butt. Gaymilitary.com. That kind of guy, when they find out about guys like that, I just love it.

36:26It's like you never think you're going to see that kind of justice in your life. Or one of the worst people on earth. You're like, how is this for me? It's like that's so good. Exactly. It's like a gift from the universe. Like to see Rush Limbaugh really get his or somebody like that. You know what I mean? Like to see somebody. Well, but he was hooked on OxyContin, so it was pretty close. Homeboy was taking 100 oxys a day And ranting on against The liberal elite You don't just kick that It made him go deaf How about that He was doing so many oxys He lost his hearing How the fuck does that work Alex Jones explained The medical reasoning behind it I don't remember it Nor do I know if it's correct And it makes sense to me I don't think You go deaf and by the way You happen to be doing 100 oxys a day? That might be related. I can't believe he's alive. That fat fucker's throwing down 100.

37:16I can't hear, but I'm going to continue to use it because I like getting high. You can do it on Rush Limbaugh, man. We need to make some parodies. Yes, Rush Limbaugh. Yes. I buy this off of a liberal. Roadie. But I do them. It's so funny. That guy's just tuned into that dumb, dumb ideology. That just dumb, dumb, you know, I'm a fucking patriot. I'm here to... there's a good God, Christian, loving country here, and we need to support all these goddamn hippies out there and liberals. They're trying to take down this democracy, this great thing that was founded in 17, blah, blah, blah, and they'll just start rattling off facts and numbers. You think he believes all that? You think him and back in those guys? They're ax. They know they're ax, right? They're all ax. They know it's far more complex than that, but that position is an excellent profit position.

38:01You can make a lot of fucking money being the super patriot guy rallying against the liberals. Because nobody wants to be a pussy, okay? Liberals are pussies. That's the problem. People go, what are you, Orogan? Don't tell me you're a liberal. Oh, don't tell me I want freedom. Don't tell me I want the ability to express yourself unhindered. But I believe in the First Amendment. And I think gay people should be willing to do whatever the fuck they want to do or allowed to do whatever the fuck they want to do. People should be able to get married. Hate crime shouldn't be real. I think, yeah, we should figure out how to fucking clean up the ghettos. I think we should figure out how to use some of our taxes to fucking help out little kids that are born into some shit position. and it's supposed to be all within the jurisdiction of this country. So, yeah, why aren't we approaching that?

38:41So if that makes me a liberal, yeah, I'm a liberal. Which everything you've named, a lot of people are scared to realize that they are. I have a lot of friends, especially back in Arizona growing up there, who are like, bro, I'm conservative. It's like, look at you. You look like a rapper right now. You're not conservative. You quote Tupac. You're not conservative. You're just not. What people think of conservative, a lot of it is in support of big business. And that's a problem because they say, well, hey, it's just fucking capitalism. That's why this country is so great. I totally am in favor of big business. If it wasn't for them, we wouldn't have all this cool shit. But the problem is big business likes to act like it's not a person, like it's above being a person. If big business was a person and did all this shit, it would get sued and closed down and arrested. And you'd have a real problem.

39:26He'd be an asshole. Like Halliburton. Halliburton. There's $90 billion missing from Iraq. 90 billion. If Halliburton was a dude, and he's like, I don't know, it's fucking gone, man. They're like, Bob, there's 90 billion missing. 90,000 million. Where the fuck is it? I don't know. You couldn't fucking do that. They would arrest that guy. That guy would be in shackles in the court. That would be the number one story on the news. Ever, yeah. Bob Halliburton in the court today doesn't know where he put the 90 billion. It's like misplacing a state. Like, where's Wyoming? Fuck, it's 90. Where did Wyoming go? Think of the number 90 billion That is so huge That is That is such a sizable Piece of money That could do so much For every state In the nation That they would notice it I'm talking major shit They're missing so much Money over there They're missing money From the mercenary accounts They're missing They don't know

40:19Where the fuck Anything is going That's amazing Do you know that Monsanto The fucking seed corporation The genetically modified Food corporation The one that sells Seeds to farmers And then makes the farmer Buy new seeds next year and you can't use the seeds. No wax seeds. Yeah, you can't reuse them like nature intends. If you buy a fucking tomato and that tomato has seeds in it, or you buy seeds for the tomato, grow the tomato, and then take the seeds out of the tomatoes you grow and replant them, they'll arrest you. You're breaking the law. You're breaking the law. They just bought Blackwater. Jeez. Oh, God, dude. Jeez, the devil just bought... The most evil corporation ever bought the second most evil corporation. That is awful. I saw that. I saw what they did to those poor farmers, those poor guys. They're like, what am I supposed to do? They're like, you're growing seeds, aren't you?

41:07A chick named Crooklyn from Tap Out Radio sent me a documentary, and I watched it. It's all about these people from these impoverished countries that committed suicide because they couldn't repay the debt that they owed to Monsanto. Oh, my God. Dude, it's all about how what they figured out was if you could get patents on plants. Yeah. If you could modify a plant, get a patent on it, then you own it. then you copyright that plant. It's yours. No one else can grow it. You can control it, just like downloads on the internet. That's fucking nuts, man. They've figured out a way to do that with food. They've figured out a way to copyright food, just like their food. When I saw a bunch of those, the King Corn and all those other ones, I was honest to God, completely naive about the whole thing. I don't eat fast food and that kind of crap, but I was like, I think I'm doing okay, but I don't realize it doesn't matter

41:53that I'm getting the choice cut of beef at Ralph's. It's still from this corn-fed slaughterhouse. They said there was something like 14,000 slaughterhouses in America in the early 80s. And now there's like five. Really? Literally. It's all going down through one company. Tyson Farms and I can't remember the other one. But it's like literally your meat is all. And it's like if one's bad, that's why people are getting sick with E. coli all over in mass numbers. Because it's like nothing's regionalized anymore. It's all centralized. It's like we make it here. We chop the meat up. We put the bad with the good and we sell it to you. You know, it's like unless you're getting shit from, you know, a farmer that you know is a farmer. Right. Your local. Luckily here we've got them, farmer's markets. But it's just, it's disgusting. That's another fucked up thing about people.

42:39The disconnect between the meat and your food. The disconnect between where it comes from. Oh, yeah. There's a big disconnect there. You know, I've told people that I want to go hunting. I'm supposed to go hunting with Ricky Schroeder this season. Oh, wow. And Ricky Schroeder loves to hunt. Really? It's kind of crazy. But And I tell people about it They're like Why would you want to kill an animal Why would you want to do that I'm like You eat meat Don't you eat meat Someone's killing that Well you know what I don't have to see it If I don't have to see it I don't want to see it You don't want to see it But you're experiencing What comes from it And that's like There's a disconnect there That can never be healthy It can never be healthy To be eating animals And not know what it feels like To kill an animal Right Yeah you're right about that It can't be It can't be Because you're not going to appreciate it

43:17I mean think about the people That we consider the most In tune with nature Those are the American Indians Those are the ones that we always glorify and we always say that these are the guys that were in tune, that used every part of the buffalo that they killed. Yeah, they didn't waste anything. They lived harmoniously with their... And they would praise the spirit of the animal that provided them with food. They had this respect for their own prey. It was very prevalent throughout their culture. Respect for the buffalo and all these different stories about the buffalo and their father. But we came in and slaughtered them all. Dude, you want to talk about how destructing human beings can be. That's one of the greatest stories ever. Oh, yeah. Just how many they slaughtered. Just slaughtered them in how short a time. There was millions of them. They used to be all over the place.

44:01Buffalo used to be overwhelming all over this country. I'd freak out if I saw one once. I've seen one in my life. Get even mad. That'd be crazy. And they just went just nutty, shooting all of them and taking their skins. That was like a big business, shooting buffaloes and selling their skins. Yeah. And they didn't know. They were picking them off like, what? just like cherries in the beginning because they didn't know to be afraid of man because they never had been and they never heard a gun. They didn't know to scatter when they heard that gun. They just went, boom, one would drop. Boom, another would drop. Talk about a fucking species getting jacked. Species living forever in this one spot, having no problems, eating grass, wandering around, and all of a sudden these little pink monkeys with metal bang sticks come out of nowhere and just start dropping motherfuckers.

44:45We talk about an alien invasion, man. How terrifying must that shit be into Buffalo? Oh, I know. That's like an alien invasion. That's like fucking We Are the War of Worlds. Right. We Are the World. We Are the World. We Are the World. It would be like We Are the World. All the monkeys are holding hands with the buffalo. Dude, think about how fucking freaky that would be if buffalo were intelligent and this just started happening and they were just stuck with these goofy buffalo bodies. Oh, God. I mean, look at dolphin bodies. Dolphins can't really move anything around. They can't manipulate things. They're kind of stuck just as much as buffalo are. You just can't say that man doesn't have an effect on his environment, because that's the first series of evidence that proves that. Fuck, dude. We wiped out Indians, buffaloes, and everything. Yeah, dude. We make shit extinct.

45:25And then we bring a thing or two back, like the California condo. But again, it was like, who... Yeah, right? Keep that spotted owl healthy. That little prick in my front yard, that owl. I hate that prick. I hate him. I hate his truck. I got a big-ass owl that lives in my neighborhood, bro. I see this motherfucker at night. He's big like a dog. Yeah, dude. Owls are no joke. They are big and fucking scary, and they're like the most ruthless predators. Owls attack eagles. They go in eagle's nest while eagles are sleeping and kill them. How about that? Those are bad news. Those fucking talons, they get you, man. I've seen them jack rabbits around here, man. Oh, yeah. It's a trip. You're watching Wild Kingdom type shit right on my street. It's weird. There's a bird of prey living in our front yard. A big one. And when he gets loud at night, I'm just like, please be quiet. It's just so scary.

46:12It's like you hear it coming from his diaphragm. He's a man. Yeah, it's like a man. It's like a 60-pound animal. There's a dude out in the tree. I mean, I don't know how much they actually weigh, but it looks like if it was a dog, it'd be like a 50-pound dog. I'm willing to bet they get that big, a five, six-foot wingspan. It's a flying cat. There was one outside, bigger than a cat, way bigger than a cat. There was one outside my window the other day. He was just sitting on my railing. Motherfucker was, he had to be almost three feet tall. Wow. It was gigantic. A big fucking gray thing. Yeah. And I'm looking, I'm like, that's like a demon, man. It's a thing that only comes out at night and just jacks things. It takes advantage of the fact that everyone else is sleeping and just fucks things. You've got to think, like the first person to see, I always think that about silverback gorillas.

46:53Compared to men, they were discovered pretty recently in the grand scheme of things. I think the mountain gorilla in the 50s was the first time somebody came across this healthy, furry, black man. I'm half black, by the way, audience. Just to get that out of the way. Hey, man, who the... But just this monster. Monster There's a monster There's a hundred pound Ferocious vegetarian Like and nobody would believe you With little dicks Little one inch dicks Little tiny ones And peaceful animals at that too You notice them versus the chimps The chimps are the ones With the loose screws Yeah They start clapping Chimps are out of control They're like gangs But the gorilla just eats And sleeps all day Well they're vegetarians That's the difference That's clearly the difference I mean they've figured out a way To supply their body With just plants So there's no need to be aggressive Except to protect themselves

47:39Are you a vegetarian? No Do you know Herschel Walker? Yes. Is his diet real? It may not be. Bread? It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't make any sense. You couldn't maintain max. Apparently, Herschel Walker is one of those guys, and he's a tremendous athlete and an incredible competitor. He's a great football player, and he's been a great spokesperson for depression and for brain injuries and shit like that. He's a bad motherfucker, and he's a tremendous athlete. I'm very impressed with the way he gets into Strikeforce. But the knock on him is that he wants people to think and know that he's extraordinary. You know, so, I mean, he is extraordinary. He's an athlete. He's got extraordinary work ethic, extraordinary abilities. But he wants people to think that he's, like, something out of this world. So he'll say something like, I don't know this is true. I mean, this is just what I've heard.

48:26What I've heard is that he'll say, well, I only eat a bowl of soup a day. Meanwhile, he's fucking eating food, man. Look at him. He weighs 220 pounds. He would disappear. Exactly. That's the thing. Stop it with your crazy talk. He's massive. His traps start from the bottom of his ears and go down here. I don't necessarily believe his diet. Yeah. I'm a huge fan. Yeah. I mean, I've heard my whole life growing up. They're like, he only does push-ups. He only does prison work. Yeah. I mean, he does. He does. I bought that. But the meal thing, I was like, there's no way. It doesn't make any sense. Your body would eat it. Your muscles would continue to start to eat themselves. There's no food. That's not enough calories. Yeah. That's ridiculous. It doesn't make any sense. It's like one plus one is 89. Right. That's what you're saying to me. You're saying you eat a bowl of soup every day? Yeah.

49:03And you weigh 220 and you fucking do MMA workouts for three hours a day and you're 47. Exactly. Yeah. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? I'm God. You just said some nonsense. I'm God. That's who I am. I mean, I don't know what he's really eating. I don't even know what he really said. Right. But I've heard people that were very knowledgeable, that were professional fitness people, instructors, and personal trainers, fight trainers, and nutritionists. I've heard a conversation among six guys and they were all saying, there's no fucking way. Yeah. There's no way. There's no way. Even with supplements, there's no way. It's like this guy's eating food. He has to eat foods. You have to. Some guys go vegan. There's a lot of guys that are vegans. That's pretty extreme. Antonio McKee is a very successful wrestler. He's really good. He's been undefeated for, I think, six, seven years in a row.

49:46Just fucking takes guys down, outworks them. He's a vegan, straight vegan. Matt Danzig, he's another one, straight vegan. What's the deal, though? How do you get your protein? It's like, I could never be one. Quinoa is the best source because quinoa is this grain that's spelled quinona. It's spelled like Q-U-I-O-N-A or something like that. It's so awesome. It's really good. It's a grain that has all the amino acids in it. If you have hemp protein, you're not going to get all of them. If you have rice protein, you're not going to get all of them. You don't get the same stuff that you get out of meat unless you're very careful. You've got to be really careful with your protein. Is it better to be a vegetarian, do you think? I don't think so. Not necessarily. It's an interesting story when um travis barker from uh blink 180 whatever the fuck it is what is he from

50:34you know that guy got in a terrible plane crash right with the dj yeah well when when he got fucked up in that plane crash that's when he became a meat eater because the skin grafts weren't taking skin grafts weren't taking and then once he started eating meat they started taking wow i've been i've been eating hardcore vegan for like the last couple weeks how many dicks you suck in those times but no but but i've been only doing it like 90 of the time meaning i'm not like i still throw in steak and and stuff like that here and there but so i'm not doing 100 vegan but i have noticed since i've been eating it i just feel way better and like well you need to clean your diet and cheese by the way is so for you you need to clean your diet up you know that so well i've always been i've always been eating healthy for for weight watchers because

51:18i've been doing weight watchers for like four years so i'm still i'm not eating you still do Weight Watchers? Yeah. I've been on Weight Watchers, too, this whole time, too. But you'll fluctuate. You'll go, like, back and forth. What I'm saying is that you're obviously not watching it all the time. And if you do and you all of a sudden get on this trick thing like a vegan diet, when you're getting all these nutrients and all this fiber and all this water in your system, you're going to feel way better, for sure. You know? But a lot of it is because... I've been eating a shitload of quinoa, though. That's my new favorite thing. Quinoa. Quinoa, yeah. Quinoa. Like I said, it's spelled funky. But it's protein? Yeah. What they say is the most complete plant-based protein. There's a place called Swingers that makes the best. You just go there and get a side of it. I make protein shakes. I put hemp protein in it.

51:59Hemp protein is pretty good. Whey protein really is better. That's what I was doing. I was doing 150 grams of the whey protein. Strangely enough, I developed a kidney stone shortly after. I'd rather get shot next time. Got to drink water, son. I'm drinking a lot more now. Very important. Even better than water. You ever have coconut water? No. Oh, shit, son. You got coconut water over here? It's the best coconut water It's called O2C Somebody brought it into jujitsu class one night It's called CO2 CO2 C2O C2O That's fucking awesome Way better than that coconut one Sorry about that ladies and gentlemen Is this thing still on? Yeah This coconut water is the fucking bomb diggity folks And it's super healthy for you Coconut water if you look at it It's like nutritional profile. It's way better for you than sports drinks. You know, it's like the best for you, like right after you get done working out. Sweet.

52:58It's delicious, too. It is good. So you got to take care of your body, son. That's all we're talking about here, fitness and shit. I just started, you know, I'm 31 now. By the way, I have to say this one more time because I get people complain when someone goes, I'm a vegetarian. I go, how many dicks you suck? I'm not serious, okay? fucking relax with the tweets you ignorant asshole vegetarianism does not equal gay if you're down with animal suffering and cruelty it's just a joke man do you think Mr. Rogers was gay? because I watched it the other day and I felt like I was watching myself getting raped or something I was like whoa this creepy guy oh my god he's so gay now there's a lot of characters like that or like Mr. Wizard that couldn't be around today like old guy doing experiments in the basement Mr. Rogers was probably one of those guys that was gay but he never did anything didn't do anything

53:48because he didn't want to ruin his reputation he was like Dexter he kept his sat home and cried he probably had three secrets you know that haunted him every day three secrets Fred Rogers is a pillar in the woods something probably happened him and that but whatever that drawing the artist guy used to go on canoe trips with kids Bob Ross oh yeah Bob Ross me and Bob Ross are going to go canoeing with the kids this weekend it's a beautiful day Are you battling impressions? I like, you know who I love is Huell Hauser. You know, Huell Hauser? Yeah, sure, sure. Isn't he the best? He's only an L.A. guy. People in the rest of the country. He's this local guy, and he's kind of a country bumpkin, but he's just as nice and as pleased with everything. You take him anywhere, he's like, wow, what's that? They'll be like, it's a water fountain, Huell. It's not even on the floor. Let's go, wow, what does it do? But he's on PBS.

54:37It's one of these shows. You get so addicted to watching. It's such bad programming. You begin to love it, like really love it. and you just see this guy and he goes all around California, kind of annoying people, but he's likable. You know what I mean? And I saw him one time. I lived in LA, Hollywood for 10 years and I was like starstruck. I was like, now there's a star, Hill Houser. Because you feel like you're the only one on earth watching his show. Well, other people watch it too and it becomes entertaining. What is unentertaining and is terrible becomes so terrible it becomes awesome. Yeah, exactly. And then it becomes weird. It's like watching a really bad newscast or something. They don't know that it's, the problem with like the guys that are like, they're doing unintentional comedy. They don't know they're doing that. They don't know they're being brilliant.

55:19So when you talk to them, that's when you get bummed out. Oh, yeah. You start talking to them. Because you're goofing on them. But they don't want to be goofed on. No. I have a meeting with Oliver Stone. Yeah. Oh, God. Wow, it sure is neat. Some dudes, they don't want to be that guy. Yeah. Who else is like that? Some people embrace it, though. You take a Hasselhoff or somebody. William Shatner that's the coolest guy ever you know what I mean it's like I'm a douche bag yes but I'm a good one you know it's just got that it's got that I know I'm a douche feeling I don't think he's a douche bag he's not a douche he's just got so much so many people tugging at him you have to act a certain way you have to be able to distance yourself slightly from people he embraces the caricature he is you know what I mean there's a little of that but he's also you know he's a fucking talented guy he's been around a long god damn time

56:08dude I worshiped him and people probably fuck with him all day yeah I don't know anything about Priceline. Yeah, exactly. He was killer on the – he's on the greatest Twilight Zone episode ever, Nightmare at 20,000 Feet. How crazy is my man Charlie Sheen? Oh, dude, I love it. This story just keeps getting better. How crazy is my man Charlie Sheen? If you don't know the story, Charlie Sheen got arrested in a hotel in New York City, coked up, screaming nigger, while a prostitute was locked in his bathroom. Yeah, a porn star prostitute. A porn star prostitute. Who wasn't even black. Who was porn stars. Yeah, she wasn't black. It wasn't even black. He just brought the word in. He wanted to get her to fuck him, but she wouldn't do anything until she got her money, and he couldn't find his money. This is a story that Radar Online was saying. Right. So he fucking starts punching holes in the wall, screaming nigger.

56:55Yeah, I love that. When I heard that, I was like, it's getting so good now. It's like it couldn't get any better. Yeah, it really can't. The only way it could get better is if this bitch had her iPhone out. Please, please release the video. I'm almost looking at this guy, almost like he's untouchable. this guy's untouchable he's a bad there's something going on there I don't know if you guys remember like six months ago there was something to do with like Mexican gangs and those guys the cast of that show the two dads and a kid the nasty kid show his ex-wife like hired a dude like Omar from the wire or something to go kill him there was a hit put out on on Ducky the other guy from the show The other guy from the show. Get the fuck out of here. That show is straight up gangster. You go see a filming of that. I like how you say straight up gangster and you do that with your hands. You're the least gangster man

57:48to ever exist. You go do a filming of that. There's probably some sketchy shit there. There's probably crazy gang And the worst thing is, the show is awful. I don't know. It seems like it. That show is horrible. I don't understand if Mad Men was riddled with shit like that. I'd be like, that'd be pretty cool. But it's like, this show is the worst show ever and it gets the best ratings ever. It's the biggest, it's the highest rated show sitcoms. What is the big deal behind this show? What do people like about it? You know, it's the one-liners. It's the quips. It's just, you know, it appeals to families, I guess. I don't know. It's kind of, you know, I watch it because every girl I date for some reason likes that show. So I have that shit on my DVR. So once in a while, that's one of my go-to-bed shows. You're dating stupid whores. Yeah, I know. I am. But I put it on before I go to bed

58:35and so I end up like half-watching it. And it's just fucking, it's a sitcom. It's just, it's a sitcom. I only watched one part of one episode. I was like, all right, let's see what this is all about. I gave it like 15 seconds to fuck my watch. I mean, as a comedian, you just can't. You just can't. People don't know how hard it is to go from being a comedian to doing shitty comedy. Shitty comedy is hard. Doing a shitty sitcom, shitty sitcoms are a brutality. They're really hard to do. They're terrible. You've done sitcoms. What was your show again, Frank? Was you on a shitty one, man? Oh, I was on a shitty one. Yeah, Frank TV. That wasn't a shitty one, was it? No, it was a decent sketch. It was small, I'll say. It was small. So it was like, you know, I definitely didn't. It wasn't like showing up to the set of, you know, a major network. It was TBS. But I had fun. It was enjoyable. But news radio, no, that's huge.

59:26Now, what was that like showing? It wasn't huge. Did that become huge after? No, it became huge after. While we were on the air, I mean, we got to syndication. Sure. Barely. Right. But we were supposed to get 100 episodes. We actually only did 98. But what happened with news radio is we just kept getting moved. We got moved nine times over the course of five seasons. Yeah, we got moved like crazy. And you realize that a lot of what puts a sitcom in certain places, like Paul Sims used to talk about it, there was the shit sandwich between Friends and there was something else that was on after Friends. It was Grace or something. Something else that was good. And they would always sandwich these shitty shows in those spots before that. And those shows would be huge. Like there was one called The Single Guy. There was this terrible show. Really nice guy. It was the star, Jonathan something or another.

60:13Yeah, I remember. Super nice guy. But the show was terrible. It just wasn't good. But meanwhile, it was getting giant monster ratings. It was right after Friends. Yes. So people would watch it. And Sims would bitch, and we would get moved around. And we were on like Tuesday and Sunday and Wednesday and Monday. We just got to get moved all over the place. And no one even, when the show got canceled, it partially was because Phil Hartman got killed and so the last season we did with Lovitz and the last season for a couple reasons wasn't as good it wasn't as good because we had a different executive producer because Paul Simms was working on this other thing called Overseas that I was the star of it was another sitcom that they were trying to do on NBC and part of it was because Phil was gone and it was a totally different vibe so we had John Lovitz who was very funny but he was very different

60:55and we had to kind of adjust and everybody was all fucked up because just a few months ago, the dude was hanging out with us and now he's murdered. And we have to do a whole episode where we have to talk about how he died. And then this guy, the Lovitz character, gets introduced. So that was part of the reason why I got canceled. But the other reason was it wasn't that successful. They would come in. We got moved around so many times. The writers would come in like this guy, Lou Morton, who's hilarious. Very, very funny writer. And this motherfucker got me addicted to Quake. He was the guy who got me addicted because he was really good at it. We would battle back and forth at work because they had a whole Quake land local area network set up there. He used to come in on the day of the ratings were released with whatever number we were because it became like a joke written on his t-shirt. And he came in one day

61:41and it said 88. 88? We were 88th. Out of all the shows on TV, we were 88th. Wow. Especially what, in 97, 98? Were there even that many shows on TV? There were not many shows. And so we were like, whoa, 88th. Or it might have been 84th. It was in the 80s. But I mean, the thing is, weren't you just glad to show up and be working in Hollywood? For sure. Definitely. Absolutely. What I'm saying is just, people would always bitch. People on the set would be like, this is fucking bullshit. Why does Caroline and the City get to be on? They would call it Caroline and the Shitty. Did you see the new promo for Caroline and the Shitty? Fucking show is terrible. There was a lot of that going on. There was a lot of that going on on the set. But there was also a lot of people that were like, we're doing something really special. This is a lot of fun.

62:23Well, as a comedian, too, you already have kind of more of a blue-collar work ethic that we have over actors, I think, a lot of times. Not all actors. I for sure appreciated it more because I never expected it. Right. Yeah. It's a different thing. Actors, they always grow up wanting to be in sitcoms. Me, I was in a sitcom almost perchance. Oh, wow. The whole thing became – I never took acting classes. I heard this story about – did I hear right that Ray Romano was – He was the original. He was the original. My character. Couldn't cut it. Yeah, they fired him and hired another actor to do it for the pilot. so that then the other actor did it for the pilot and then they fired him and hired me wow so i didn't really take ray's part i took the guy who stole ray's part isn't that something how stories work out like just that that that close it could have been some other than the worst they just

63:07decided to go a different way with it they just you know it wasn't that ray wasn't good it was like you know ray was older and he was more relaxed and i just tried they were they were trying to figure out so they the next guy was like the zany guy's like all right what i got over here and they're like, that didn't work either, and then I just got lucky, I just came in. Had you taken a bunch of acting classes? No, I've been on a shitty show though. I got a development deal with Fox, it was with Disney actually, and then I was on this show called Hardball. This is how bad the show was. It was a baseball show, it was a sitcom, and it could have been hilarious, because the guys who originally wrote it, this guy's named Jeff Martin and Kevin Curran, they were writers for The Simpsons, and they wrote for Married with Children, they were brilliant, and they wrote a brilliant pilot, the pilot was hilarious. Jim Brewer was in

63:45the pilot too. I love Jim Burr. Yeah, and Mike Starr, you might have seen him. He's in Goodfellas. There's been a bunch of movies. And Bruce Greenwood. And it was a good cast. A good Alexander Wentworth. But the real problem was with the network. And they didn't want these guys, Jeff and Kevin, to be the producers of the show because they didn't think they knew how to run a show. So they brought in this other dude. And this other dude just started fucking hacking it up. Hacking it up. Taking scripts and just butchering them and just terrible jokes. and he would go and do coke on his yacht with this girl who was playing my girlfriend in this first episode. He became friends with this chick and would take her on his yacht and they would write and he would do blown fucker and come back with the worst scripts of all time. But when they would come back, she would have more lines. It was great.

64:36And finally, we filmed a few episodes with this guy and he was so hated and the tension on the set was so bad that they decided to fire him. They got rid of him. They got rid of him. And they brought in another guy and the other guy closed it out but it was only eight episodes. Only seven of them aired and it was death. And I was done with that. I was like, fuck acting. This is terrible acting. This is the shit you have to deal with. I was ready to go back to New York but I fucked up and got a whole year lease on this apartment. I couldn't afford, I was ready to go back. I was like, this is, I'm done. I'm a comedian, man. Like you were that turned off? Oh yeah. I was totally ready to go and then all of a sudden, boom, I auditioned for NewsRadio and I'm on it. I mean, literally like a month later. I'm on this new show and I'm fucking working with Phil Hartman. So I go from never taking an acting class,

65:21never even thinking about doing acting, doing stand-up at fucking Jimmy's Comedy Alley in Queens and then a week later, I'm in Hollywood and two months later, I'm sitting across the table read from Phil Hartman going, what the fuck is going on here? That's some cool shit. It was bizarre. It was beyond bizarre. Yeah, it's cool. You've lived multiple lives, it seems like. Like you're accomplished in multiple arenas where it's like you did this, done with that, do this, done with that. It's like I think that's the thing about life. You have to keep just trying new shit. Like there's so many things. Like a lot of times I'll say I want to get into this, but like my life's over. I'm 31. I'd be like, why not? Why not get into that? You can do anything. You know how many times I've contemplated playing professional pool?

66:02I stop and think about how much money would I have to squirrel away for a year to join the pro tour and try to practice 8, 10 hours a day and try to make a run at playing pool. And just play. I just want to play to the tournament. You know you got it in you. Because that's the thing. You get that feeling. It's like when you come and you do something like this in Hollywood or accomplish yourself in a sport. And you become the elite of your company. It's like you want to do it again. You want to find something. It's like guys who become scratch golfers. I think Justin Timberlake or somebody is almost like a scratch golfer at this point. He's really good. I'm just kind of obsessed with it. Yeah, I'm like, he kind of should be. You know what I mean? He's a bad motherfucker. It's Musashi's quote. Once you understand the way broadly, you can see it in all things. That's one of my favorite quotes. I like that.

66:42And it's all about recognizing what it takes to really master something. It really takes to get in tune with what is great about something. The Buddha says, if you want to know how good you're doing at something, look back every 10 years. That's another one. That's one I love. But that takes 10 years to see your progress. Yeah. Which he always means, stop looking back at your progress and just keep thinking it right now. Goddamn tricky Buddhists. Yeah. God damn it. Was Johnny Appleseed real or is that just a fictional character? He's real and the story is bullshit. What is the story? The story is that he sprinkled seeds basically all throughout the western state. From across, when the Louisiana Purchase happened, I think he went and just goes sprinkling seeds. Like all men. Like, seeds, seeds. But they said something. I saw a thing about seeds, and they're like, apples don't grow that way.

67:27These certain seeds don't grow in certain regions. The first one dies. It's like there's a real maintenance. You don't just sprinkle. An apple tree is a hard fucking thing. It's almost like a baby being born. A lot of shit has to go right. Really? You know what I mean? Apple trees are hard to pull off. And they said that him just going around doing that, all it would create is like sour grape-sized apples. Like it just doesn't work that way. You've got to cultivate. You've got to know what you're doing. So do you think he spent time to actually plant them properly or he just didn't really do it and he was just trying to get attention? I think he set up the one actual little farm for himself. But like I said, the second generation don't give off as good as the first. And you have to stick around and maintain that. They act like he's just sprinkled it along the countryside wearing a pot on his hat.

68:10Maybe it was just his song to promote his apple farm that he did. I think it's the legend is up there with Paul Bunyan, pretty much. Watch Shelly Appleseed, his great, great granddaughter. You motherfucker. Do you think that you would just get used to living like people lived back in those days? Do people just get used to it? Or do you think it was like, life sucked back then? Did they know it? Were they like, what the fuck? Life is too fucking hard. I think so. I think with those pioneers and the people who came out to settle the West, it's like big balls. I give them big credit for that because they came down to the soil in North Dakota. You can't get through that shit. Good luck farming that. Imagine they got through that shit with horses. And they were saying the number of people coming out were just dying in droves, but

68:57once they finally tackled it and got it going, those are the ones who obviously survived and later thrived. But I wouldn't want to try that shit. Crazy life. There was a thing they did on National Geographic. It was a reality show, but it was basically a survivor, but no prize to be won. They just threw you out here. You've got to survive in Alaska. Oh, I watched that. I watched the whole thing. It was fucking great, dude. And it really talks about dudes were getting hungry in the first six hours. Like, I didn't do this shit. And then even a real big cop dude, he couldn't hack it after a while, but ladies were able to hack it. It was just they were killing squirrels with their bare hands to eat. Yeah. And they quickly adapted to that, wouldn't you say? Like, after the first week, all civility goes out the window. No more table manners.

69:40I watched one of the first episodes only, but they couldn't find anything to kill. They killed a squirrel, and it fell in a hole. They shot it, and it fell in a hole, and they couldn't get to it. Yeah, they couldn't get to it, and they were just starving. They had no food. There was nothing. Delirious. Like, you have to start training your body in this sick way to just take one morsel of something and maximize your shit. They'd get a kill finally, and they'd make a stew, because a stew will go further, and you can transport a stew. Because that's the thing, too. You've got to bring your food with you. if you kill something. They ate a porcupine. It was the most disgusting looking thing when they field dress this thing. Things spilled out of there I'd never seen in my life. Porcupine. What's the show called again? I don't remember. It was something about Alaska. I think I got it saved.

70:23Yeah, it was good. I watched the whole thing. It was pretty damn good. In the end, they were emaciated looking. They looked horrible. Yeah, there's a guy we've talked about on the show. Do you ever go to that website, vbs.tv? There's the Vice Guide to Travel. There's a whole series that they do online. It's great, great stuff. And one of them, they went to this guy. I think his name is Heinmo. It's a strange name. But this guy lives in, like, northeastern Alaska. He lives in, like, this area where only a few people have permission to still live up there. And he lives in this one-room cabin. Oh, wow. And he's been up there for 30 years. This guy literally never saw the towers fall. And he can speak good English. He's a very intelligent guy. And he lives his life just hunting and gathering, just following caribou around, shooting them. He has a couple cabins that he walks to. He has no car.

71:12He does everything on foot. He gets supplies dropped. He was going to ask. Yeah. He gets, like, bullets, and I guess he must get some vegetables. I don't know what happens there. I don't know if he gets canned vegetables, but he's not eating any vegetables on the show. All he's eating is caribou that he kills and fish that he catches. And that's what he does every day. Every day he's following caribou around, shooting them. but he's a very bright guy. Right. And when he's talking, he says that men got away from the whole hunting and gathering thing. What is that? What is that? Is that a fire alarm? Fire alarm? I don't know what that is, man. It's getting really stuck. Oh, it's a water thing. That was crazy. That was a pipe. I thought it was a caribou. What the fuck kind of show is this? That's how ghetto this show is. My pipes are making crazy noises. That's crazy. Oh, you know what that is?

72:04That's the in-house vacuum cleaner. It's been fucking up lately. He has these vacuum cleaners where the whole walls are vacuuming. I've heard a tale of those before. It was cool to actually see one. This house is the shit, by the way. Thanks, man. It's cool. Thank God you got that audition that time. It all worked out. Fear Factor money. Yeah. Well, so the reason why I was willing to do something like Fear Factor was after doing like a bad sitcom and then entertain the idea of doing another bad sitcom after News Radio. I was like, I'd rather do something that's not funny at all. Yeah. I'd rather do, what else can I do to get paid? I can do this, and you'll pay me? Yeah. Let's do this. I can do that, too. As a comic, I don't watch comedy. I can't stand it. It won't make me laugh. I like drama, and I like sci-fi. Movies are good. I like movies. I like the hangover. The hangover was hilarious. Movies are always good.

72:50They don't screw you over. They're not trying to fit in a laugh every minute and ten seconds. Right. They're trying to make a good story. They can do a good story. I like Galifianakis a lot. I think he's... Have you seen the new one? No. Is it good? I heard Brody's awesome in it. Brody, that's so great that Brody's out. Is it out? Is Dude 8 out? Yeah, Dude 8 out. Steve Renna's easy saw it, said it was really good. Look, you can't go wrong with Galifianakis. He's just funny. He's going to make a real mark like a Bill Murray, I think. He's huge. He's already like that. The way people love him, he's already like that. What about the whole stink, though? I mean, Bill Murray obviously is a legend. Yeah, absolutely. But Galifianakis is when Bill Murray was coming up and he was in that vibe. When Stripes was, you remember Stripes? Yeah, absolutely.

73:27Dude, when Stripes was coming out, man, Bill Murray was like, anything he could say was funny. Yeah, yeah. He just would watch him. And Galifianakis is like right there. He's getting there. I watched it. You know, I never watched stand-up comedy. And I watched it. One night I was watching Netflix. I was like, I'll check him out at the Purple Onion. And it was like, I was genuinely laughing my ass off. He's very funny. And as a performer, I watched, you know, it's a very precise, crafted thing that he does. And he's really good at it. You know what I mean? To the point where I can respect it and be like, oh, wow. Because as a comedian, it's like a magician. It's like, oh, I know how he did it. Oh, I see that. That's great. Good job. But I was literally laughing. I was like, Who makes you laugh the most? Besides me. Guys like you, Brody. Obviously, you're friends. I still laugh. Is it like, Brody,

74:06he's probably the biggest unspoken treasure. Brody probably. He just gets to all of us. And the thing about Brody is you have to see him live. I think you and I talked about this. You have to see him in person to get the joke. Yeah. Because people who just see him online or something, there's something missing in the two-dimensional world. You have to see and feel and know the mannerisms and see it. that this is a character, but goddammit, is this character always being attended to? It's like, oh shit, hold on. I'm going to put a stop to that. No, stop time. He makes me laugh. Bill Burr makes me laugh a lot. Bill Burr is hilarious. He's always writing, too. I've heard his mention that he's one of the best right now, and people are starting to say that. It's like you get so knee deep in it. You don't even like, Caparulo is my best friend, and I forget he's famous now. It's weird.

74:50It's like we go places, and he gets mobbed. I'm like, wow. Is that from the Chelsea Handler show? Yeah, big time. That seemed to just put him through the roof, and now he's doing great on the road. He's happy. He just got engaged the other day. That should work out well. Yeah, in Hermosa Beach. He got engaged. Is she going to let him play Xbox? Yeah. Come over here. We'll still play Madden, I'm sure, but we'll play online. But it's like, you know, things make me laugh. Sometimes it's not even a person or a comedian. It's a dog. Dogs make me laugh. My dog makes me laugh. I mean, like with stand-ups. Do you like Patton Oswalt? I do. Louis Anderson? Off and on. You do Off and On? Yeah. He's one of my favorites, man. The Comedians of Comedy Tour, I like that a lot. I like because Galifianakis did some work on that one. And then who are the other nerds? Brian Pesane. Yeah. He's great. I like Patton Oswalt.

75:42What I do because he appeals to comedians is sometimes he's just a little too... I think he's comfortable. He's very smart. He's really comfortable. He's a little too what? He did this bit. He did this bit that I fucking, one of those, I wish I thought of that because I've often thought about it, but I never thought it was funny. About how all those stores like on Melrose and stuff, you're like, how do these places pay for the rent? They're selling candles. His rent's probably like $3,000. And this whole bit on that, fucking brilliant. I think that was one he just made up that night. You see the kid who, well, he's a writer. He's a real good writer. You see the kid who ripped him off and was doing his jokes? That was hilarious, too. Well, two kids that ripped him off. One kid that ripped him off during a commencement speech or some sort of a graduation speech. How can you do that? He fucked up.

76:30And it was one that's online, man. It's like a fucking... Especially now, see, that's what the internet is doing. It's eradicating liars. It's getting rid of liars. At least there's a major reference point here. It's like, you know, because remember like when you're a kid, you know, there'd be a kid in your fifth grade. My dad plays for the Raiders. It's like, I'm pretty sure he doesn't, but I can't really prove that wrong. But it's like now you can prove the person wrong on the spot. There's some crazy liars out there, man. I remember one time I was at this club in Florida, and this guy goes, yeah, my boy's on the phone. My boy fought Chuck Liddell before. Beat him back in 99. It's like 99 or whatever the fuck the date was. So I got on the phone with this guy. I go, what's up? He goes, yeah, yeah, fought Chuck Liddell. Fought Chuck Liddell. I go, what happened? I stopped him. I go, what year was this?

77:11He tells me the year. I go, that didn't happen. I go, the only people Chuck's lost to at the time was Jeremy Horn, and he had just lost to Randy. That's the only people he's lost to. What are you talking about, man? No, man. This guy just made something up. Just completely. Crazy story up about fighting Chuck Liddell. It was totally artificial. He just made it up. Don't you think they document something that important? Yeah, it's just like how people come up to you and they're always saying, Dude, my friend used to hang out with you. There's just these stories that people tell people to get. I was partying with him in Vegas. He came back to the room. Dude, it was hilarious. A lot of great jokes. I found out exactly what this shit tastes like. the C2O water. Drink it and think of cereal milk. Cereal milk. After Gordon Graham's. It tastes like that. It's delicious. It's healthy for you, too.

77:59It's all real pure coconut water. Yeah, it's delicious. Right out of coconut. That's some good shit. Where do you get that at? Online. Who's your dealer? Sketchy website. Some dude got it in LA, but I don't know what store he got it from when he brought it to Jiu-Jitsu and he was handing them out. They actually sell them at the nutrition stores and I just found out. Do they? Yeah, it's like pretty good. Two dollars a bottle. We should be getting a cut from this. I know. We should be a sponsor. It's bullshit. Yeah, dude, you got to get free shit out of this. Plus light and coconut water. So, you know, I just realized talking to you about impressions that, you know, I don't, I've never practiced any of the impressions that I've done. I just do them. Like with Joey Diaz or something like that, I just know I can do it and I just do it. Yeah. Are you that way too? Like you hear someone talk?

78:35Yeah, I think it's like you got to get out of your own way. You just let it filter in and come out of you. Sound like that. You know, because it's like, you'll hear it. If you try to scrutinize it, you'll really start to fuck it up. How do you practice it? You know, I'll listen to them on headphones, and if I don't hear my voice anymore, that means I've matched it. Whoa. It means I've matched it. Damn. Like the Morgan Freeman I started working on in eighth grade. Let me hear that. Well, now, hold on, Joe Rogan. Let me get to that. Let's see here. There's a fella named Morgan Freeman, and I started working on the impression when I was in the eighth grade. Yes, sir. I was about 14 years old, jerked off seven times a day. Dude, that is creepy. And it took me forever. And the way I finally perfected it When I was like 22 I saw Ben Affleck on Dave Letterman And he was doing a Morgan Freeman impression

79:24But it was horrible But he was doing one thing I wasn't doing right It's that mm-hmm thing, it's on here He was adding that, but everything else was wrong And I married the two And I was talking like Morgan Freeman all day I was calling restaurants I'd like to get a table for two, please And I'm like, okay, Mr. Freeman I was testing it out And I was like, oh my god, this is amazing So when I nail one I've been working on a Tom Hanks for years, and I still can't get it. There's something. But he's one of those like Ice-T, like Morgan Freeman. Everybody knows who he is, but nobody does him. And it's somewhere in here I found that I can go back and forth with it. But it's – You're missing a little. Yeah, you get it. I'm game show hosty with it right now, but it's like there's World War II Tom Hanks, who's very solemn and talks about World War II. But then there's – I'm on Conan O'Brien.

80:09It's almost like the shape of your head is wrong. You can't make that noise. No, I think that is. I think that has a lot to do with impressions. There's certain impressions that I can do that other people can't do. I think it's the shape of my face. There's ways to manipulate your throat. I mean, I can tell you who's talking about that. Definitely. You can contort your mouth like Biggie Smalls. I started working on that impression one time, too, and I found out I could sound like a fat guy. But it's like you can contort your mouth. Can you do Ralphie May? Hey, man. He's a little high pitch. Hey, man. I'm not going to stop it. Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan. I went to this market. Much love, Ralphie, if you're listening. You know we love you. He's like Cartman on this. Bob Ralphie smokes more weed than any of us. Oh, dude, did you hear the story about him getting caught in Guam? That was so brilliant.

80:57He's like, man, I went down to pet the dog. My man is bringing weed across the world. Yeah, that's great. That's risky. Don't you know anybody there? I would much rather try to find a connect there. You can find a connect, man. Trust me. Especially in Guam. You're going to be okay, dude. They're growing that shit like crazy out there. Big time. And it probably goes well. Yeah. It's a cash crop, son. Get it. Number one cash crop in Hawaii. And they're trying to eradicate it all the time. Today, by the way, Proposition 19. Today, it all goes down. How's it looking? I don't know. I don't know. Everyone's been checking. The score? The post is keeping. What's the latest news? The latest score. 52 to 7. If it loses, it will mark how oppressed we truly are. I don't think it's going to pass. I don't think it's going to pass. Really? I think it's going to be like the gay vote. We all thought that was going to pass.

81:40You know, and I'm just basing it on there hasn't even been advertising. There's not been some big push for it. It seems like it's definitely, you know, and then there's a lot of people against it. A lot of the growers, obviously, because who benefits during prohibition? That's the problem. The growers, a lot of the medical people are against it. I don't know, man. I think it's evolution. I understand their position. I feel bad for doctors that have been prescribing weed. If it becomes legal, then all of a sudden, hey, where's my business? I'm making all my money, sticking my neck out there, prescribing weed. Now I've got to go back to giving kids Band-Aids? what the fuck, man? It's tough. Maybe it will lower the cost of healthcare because they all have to be doctors again and there's more doctors. How does that benefit that doctor just lost his job, Brian? This is illogical. I think they just need

82:21to figure out another way to become a part of the system. Start selling it, man. Open up a fucking dispensary. And you know what's funny on the other side is cops are, obviously, they want it to be legal so they don't have to deal with this. I mean, everybody knows it should be. It's just political suicide. Cops don't give a fuck about potheads. They know potheads are harmless. They're worried about meth heads and fucking junkies and drunks. That's who cops are worried about. They're worried about violent people. It just takes somebody to actually do something. I don't think anybody did, and nobody's going to commit political suicide this year. That's what we need. Somebody huge, the president, somebody to say. But I understand why they can't. They just can't. I don't know what happens when you get in office, but clearly someone sits you down and adjusts your agenda. Obama, before he was in office,

83:02you know, yes, I inhaled. Well, you could say it because it was the point. Go ahead. You're doing Obama. Well, it's time for weed. I take pauses between every word I say so the stupid people can understand me. Now, did you smoke hot in college, sir? I did. Did you inhale? I took bong rips out of a homemade bong and I blew them into everybody on the floor's mouth. We got high. Supplies to the side. He talked about it openly when he was campaigning. There is something. They set you down. It's like the men in black thing. And they go, something happens. Forget your agenda, man. Because it is. It's a head. It's a figure. You're not. I know, but who is pulling the strings then? Is there a one person? Is there a committee? Is there a group? Is there a society? It's like, yeah, man, you fucking. If you just read about the Illuminati and listened to Alex Jones, you would know. There's got to be a one trackable.

84:00It's got to come down. It's got to be wealth. Or group. It's definitely wealth. Right. It's international bankers, right? Because it's like, yeah, it's got to be international. Because back in America's family, like Carnegie's and all of them, they'd get together and be like, it's our country. Dude, I'm reading this Max Taibbi article that's in Rolling Stone. God damn it. Hold on. I'm going to stop that shit. I'll be right back. You guys talk amongst yourself. All right. Let's not blow everyone's ears. Talk amongst yourself. Hey. So. It went away. Cool. Let's turn this back on now. So, yeah. I'm getting hungry, dude. Dude, I'm hungry. This coconut water is delicious. You actually believe in crazy dream stuff. We have talked about this before where he sat me down and was telling his theories. He reads all these books on – what kind of dreaming is that called again? Lucid dreaming. Lucid dreaming.

84:50Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. I think I have a problem with my in-house vacuum cleaner unit. It's screaming. It's letting me know it's dying. What were we talking about before I took off because it was interesting? the people who run the country who runs the country so who the fuck do you think runs it what do you think happens when you get into office do you think they actually Bill Hicks style sit you down and show you an angle of the Kennedy assassination that no one's ever seen before sit in a room with that a bunch of smoky industrialists any questions what's my agenda doesn't it seem like there kind of is think about the skull and bones these real upper echelon kind of societies that you can never belong to and you're privy to information that nobody... That's the most likely scenario. It's these elite colleges and they keep this group of people in power.

85:40And if you talk about people that have been in the skull and bones from college, I mean, it was John Kerry, it was Bush, there's been a bunch of different people. They're groomed for this from the get-go. And it's like, you know, Obama not necessarily really wasn't, but was. If you were going to Harvard, it's not out of the question to become president. There's a 7% acceptance right there. I think everybody who becomes president always wanted to be president. Absolutely. It didn't just occur to you someday. It's the ultimate political rock star. That's what it is. Even John Kerry was doing that. That's why he went to Vietnam. I mean, at least he went, but that's why he went. He went so he could be president. So I could be a hero and get pictures taken. God damn! How ruthless is that? You're willing to go to war so you can say, I am a veteran. I fought for my country. I made claps and cheers.

86:21He didn't need to go. Wow. He was definitely in college. And then these dudes like Bush are like, oh, my back hurts. I think that's smart, man. As I've gotten older, my opinion of Bush has changed over and over. It keeps changing. I used to think that Bush was this fucking monster and this ignorant piece of shit that's thrust into this scenario to kind of lower our standards and make everybody think that mediocre is good. And you can invent words and it's okay to talk about God. And then I realized that this is just a dude with a job. You know what I Did you see the relationship With Dick Cheney and him Yeah I don't think Number one I think He's probably one of the most fun Of all presidents You can hang out with Dude You know when my My opinion of him changed When that guy threw his shoes At him in Iraq Yeah Oh yeah yeah That's when I started looking at him When he ducked his shoe And smiled Yeah

87:11Ducked his shoe and smiled again Yeah he's like I'm like this ain't no Ruthless murderer Right This is some fucking dude Who's just got a job And I never thought that of him And the same thing that bothers me When people shit on Obama For saying like Oh he reads a teleprompter You know how many speeches He gives a day Yeah, that is the dumbest thing. That's so asinine. Oh, he's got notes. What the fuck? He's prepared? You're upset that he's prepared? He wants to do a good job? Yeah, and it's the same thing when people say that George W. Bush is dumb. I can promise you this. He would bury me in a political debate. He would no shit. No, he wouldn't. No, he wouldn't. Maybe not about policy. No, but not about anything. Stop it. You don't think? You're a hundred times smarter than that guy. Really? Yes, for sure. You don't think something like that?

87:46He was brought in to represent the common folk the same way they enabled the conservatives to really gain control of this country by embracing the Christian right. When the Reagan administration came in line, that was the first time when they really went out of their way to embrace religion and go for the Christians, get the really zealot Christian side. Nixon was no religious guy. They never did that before. They never did that before. They were very corporate. But they realized, like, shit, the Moonies are doing this. All these other motherfuckers are doing this. They're making millions of dollars from these morons. Let's just tap into this shit, and we'll use this. This is going to be a big part of our platform. This will separate us from everybody else, make us more righteous. It's amazing, especially with Reagan. And it's like the conservatives always talk about, too.

88:23It's like, oh, Hollywood liberals and their actors and all that. It's like the ones they champion the most are actors, Ronald Reagan, Fred Thompson. It's so crazy that you would allow a guy who's an expert at lying and pretending to be the guy who's supposed to tell you the truth. And a divorcee to move. That's a chicken being guarded by wolves. That's the most ridiculous thing ever. You're getting a guy who's the best faker ever. Yeah. And he's the one who's going to deliver the truth. What? I shot a thing recently at the Republican headquarters here, and it was amazing to be in there. And it's all pictures of Ronald Reagan as far as the eyes can see, which is understandable. But I'm just like, don't you guys remember Bush 41 and Bush 43? They both were presidents, too. No pictures at all? They're like, no, no. Brian, go on YouTube and find Ronald Reagan's speech where he talks about aliens.

89:09Have you ever been to that speech? I've heard. That is one of the trippiest speeches a president has ever given to people. Talking about the intergalactic... He talked about how quickly we would abandon all of our troubles with each other if we were being attacked by aliens from another planet. Oh, wow. The fucking president was talking about this! Jesus. I mean, he was making a point, clearly, that we would be united as one country, as one group. For sure we would. Or you think we'd go after each other. No, we would not. We would not. If there was aliens, the only problem is if the aliens got to some douchebags, I don't want to mention any names, in some douchebag countries. I'm like, listen, just come with us. We'll give you fucking flying saucers. Just sell out these other cunts. And then they would go over and say, listen, we've made peace with the aliens. The aliens are friends.

89:58We just come over here. We'll show you where they are. And boom, you're in a cage. They're definitely hostile if they're coming. Maybe. Well, we are. We're hostile to everything. And like we talked about the East Coast, the West Coast, and survival of the fittest, and just the massive change that's happened in this country. It's all been because of negative shit. All this massive change, a lot of it is because of negativity. I feel like something in our lifetime is going to happen. Like Bigfoot's going to get found. Like something cool like that. I hope so, right? Some legend is going to get dispelled. Or some legend is going to get proven true.

90:28Well, you know, there's the craziest theory about your life is that your life, really what it actually is, is as the world gets crazier and as more chaos ensues and you worry about extinction, you worry about some sort of a cataclysmic disaster that wipes out the rays, what you're really realizing is that you're dying. Yeah. And that your own world, this universe that you have created, is slowly starting to fall apart at the seams. Because your life is starting to end. And this whole life of history and space, it's all an illusion. And it's all something that's been created by your imagination. And as it plays out, as it becomes more and more ridiculous and catastrophic, and as it ends, that's as your life ends. Wow. That's an interesting point to think of it that way. it's just as possible as you are one being and there's a billion other beings and they're all

91:21in this one rock and they're all in this one galaxy and they're all i mean that's that's crazy as itself in and of itself it's all crazy it makes sense and it makes you just realize sometimes too just the silliness like sometimes you almost just want to sit down and just laugh at the silly shit that we do it's like oh my god look why do i care like i can detach myself from something really quickly through that you know and that's what kind of like buddhism was always about just detaching from it, not giving a shit. You know what I mean? If it doesn't affect you, death does not scare me. It's like, yeah, it's going to come. Suffering fucking sucks. Suffering sucks. Being injured sucks. Being in pain sucks. But yeah, death is like sleep, right? Losing someone sucks. Yeah, losing someone sucks. All that sucks. Pain sucks. But it's like everybody's biggest fear is death.

92:04And even if it is your biggest fear, it happens. Then what? But then what happens? I always talk about how one of the trippiest things in this life is that everyone likes to sleep, but no one wants to die. You're looking forward to going away. You're looking forward to shutting off. You're looking forward to the relief that you get from turning your body off and recovering. That's some pretty crazy shit, man. Yeah, dude. It's the same kind of effect that the DMT has released during Dream State. Supposedly. It's all anecdotal evidence, but that's what they believe happens. But all I know is I don't give a fuck about it. I love it. I love going to sleep. Here we go. I don't think about the fact that I'm going to disappear for eight hours and I'm just going to trust that the world doesn't fall apart at the seams and explode while I'm unconscious. It'd be cool to be able to hibernate.

92:48Dude, bears don't really hibernate. You know that? They're always still semi-conscious. It's just a blissful kind of just relaxation. They just don't do much. They just kind of like go, fuck, this sucks. Yeah, I guess so. But they can still get up and fuck you up, man. Yeah, because there are bear attacks in the winter, aren't they? Yeah, don't get crazy. Well, the real scary thing about the bear attacks in the winter is most of the time it's bears trying to eat you because they're starving to death. Yeah. That's how Grizzly Man died. That crazy asshole that was living up in Alaska with all those bears. Yeah, you heard the tape? Have you seen the video? I haven't heard the tape. The death tape. There's a death tape out? Isn't there a death tape? No, I don't think there's not one yet. They wanted to get it, but what it was is the camera was running, but it was only audio. Right.

93:27And Werner Herzog, the director, listens to it on camera. You see him listening to it. Oh, that's what they should have been showing. Yeah, but they don't actually play it at all. It was like six minutes long, man. They showed that guy on that I survived who got basically eaten and mauled by a bear and survived it. The bear was shitting on him, peeing on him, like treating him like his kill. It was so nasty. That's so scary, dude. How did he get out of that? He just got sick of me. Play that Ronald Reagan show. Yeah, let's see it. Rewind it from the beginning. Rewind it, Brian. Suddenly there was a threat to this world from some other species from another planet outside in the universe. We'd forget all of the local differences that we have between our countries. The United Nations. Perhaps we need some outside universal threat to make us recognize this common bound.

94:26I occasionally think how quickly our differences worldwide would vanish. if we were facing an alien threat from outside this world. Wow. So true. Space is filled with warriors just flying to other countries, jacking people. I'd like to think that we galvanize and ante up and all get together, like in signs. Do you think so? Do you think, well, I think we would to attack the aliens, but do you think that any species ever gets to a point where it doesn't fuck with the weaker species? It's hard to think that a mass collectiveness of fight or flight would happen. I think most would fly. Most people would just go hide and be scared. No, no, no, no. What I'm saying is, do you think that alien life in all galaxies and wherever it exists, intelligent life, do you think it always fucks with whatever's weaker than it? Does that just help things become strong? Yeah, I think so. I think that's nature, right?

95:20That's just dominance, survival. So if they came here, they would have to fuck with us. They would have to fuck with us. Now, the thing I don't quite understand is why everybody gives them credit for being so smart if they came here. You know? Because they can come here. They can get here. But what if we can get to where they're at? Well, we can't. We're getting closer. We are getting closer. More water on the moon. We can. But, yeah, they found water on the moon. They found more water. Yeah. A lot more than they thought. Yeah. There's also the idea that they could use that as, like, the moon as a refueling station instead of something up there. And they use that, like, as a launch because it's 260,000 miles out and it doesn't have the same kind of gravity. Right. So they could start launching shit from the moon. But, you know, you have to prove to me that you can survive in deep space for a long period

95:57of time and that people are going to be willing to take that chance. Yeah. There's like the Mars project. Right. And there's another thing that they've been concentrating on, this idea of a hundred-year spaceship, a spaceship that can exist and has enough fuel to run a hundred years. Oh, yeah. People can survive to colonize the galaxy. That's like a project that's currently in development. That kind of stuff, like, you know... The fuck, man? That's some deep shit. Like, if they really... Dude, a hundred years on a spaceship? That's possible? Yeah, but that would suck being on the hundred-year spaceship and then a couple years later, They made like the 200-year spaceship And you're like, man, I want to be on the 200-year spaceship So my kids can live longer, too Or you have a change of thought Well, I think you have 100 years to get somewhere And if you can't get there in 100 years, you're fucked

96:39But the thing is, how do they keep enough food? How big is this goddamn spaceship? Are they growing their own food? Yeah, you'd have to do something like that You'd have to grow your own food And what kind of power would you be able to use? Nuclear power? You'd have to use nuclear power How the fuck else could you? What if everybody got radiation sickness and shit? Or you just blow up it By the time you got there Who are you communicating with? Shit three-eyed motherfuckers with six arms and shit. Everybody was a mutant from all the radiation because they had never done long-term exposure studies. We'd have to take a chance. I'd sign up for that shit. Would you? Yeah. I always think when people think that maybe if this is the last generation or if the Mayan calendar is true or something like that, I feel pretty damn honored to be on the part of the last generation.

97:16Again, it could just be the end of your life, man. Yeah, exactly. I manufacture it. So does that mean that you're a character in my life? Seems like it. Through your eyes, I'm a character in your life. Or am I in yours? Well, maybe we're all both. Maybe it's both. Maybe there's no tangibility to life. Maybe it's ethereal. Maybe it exists in both ways. Maybe you're just a part of my imagination and I'm a part of yours. Like, that'd be crazy if you made up all this. The earth, the atmosphere, you made it all up. It's not that you made it up. It almost exists as a part of your program. Well, that's what we were talking about earlier, lucid dreaming. Like, the ability to wake up during your dreams. You do that, right? I've done it. I can't say I do it often. It's hard. I've only done it once or twice by accident.

97:54And because I saw a movie where a guy had a technique where in real life, every time he'd walk through a door, he would knock on the door and go, am I dreaming? Yeah, that's the trick to doing it. I did it once in a dream. That Dr. Stephen LeBurge is the one, I read all these books about it quite by accident one day, but I started reading it. It was fascinating because he did it at Stanford and taught all these kids to do it to the point where they were so good at it, they were developing skills in their dreams, they could do it at will. It's basically like laying down to bed and saying, here's what I'm going to dream about tonight. It's like a meditation practice. You can do it two ways. You can wake yourself up in a dream or you can just enter it straight in. And that takes extreme concentration. Like focus, focus, focus.

98:32But in it, it's like you start to realize how fascinating your brain is because you'll completely reproduce something to a T. Like you're like, I fucking made that. That's my thought. I'm walking around. And how many times have you done this? I've done it probably like five times in my life. It's hard. And the problem is it's like if you smoke pot, you don't get true REM sleep like a lot of people. You don't? You don't seem to, you don't have, potheads don't seem to remember dreams as well. Some are different. Maybe it's a different kind. You're smoking. Is that true? If you inhibit your brain at all with alcohol or anything, you're going to have a harder time dreaming. Pot stops me from dreaming. Google that. See if pot kills dreaming. I don't know, but I know that the times I've, the best time to have them, they say, is in the morning. Wake yourself up like at six in the morning and go back to sleep.

99:14Yeah. And that's when you get them? That's when you can get them for the novice, they say. And I've only had a few, but they're amazing. It's like you manufacture this world. You can fly. The thing that you tend to do, which I do, is you go around punching people because you can't. It's just amazing. But your brain is as real as you and I are right now. And if you just – there's focus and techniques thing like you can use on YouTube and stuff. They'll show you how to do it. I should explain what I was talking about before. Just clarify. The knock on the door. The guy said knock on the door in real life. When you walk through your house, knock on the door and go, am I dreaming? Right. And then obviously you walk through it. You're not dreaming. but you feel the knock and that's how you know you're not dreaming. Right. Well, I did this for a couple days and then I was in a dream and I went, am I dreaming?

99:58Oh my God, I'm dreaming. Right. My hand just went right through the door. Right. I was like, whoa. And so then I opened up the door and the door was like the edge of a cliff and there was like clouds and shit and I just started flying. Wow, isn't this the shit? The dope is fucking thing but it only lasted for like 30 seconds because I was going, holy shit, I can't believe I'm dreaming and I'm flying. How am I doing? I'm awake. they say they say that that's what happens the first time is you're so overwhelmed by it I shot my load in my pants that's what I did I didn't even get my pants off I shot my load that's what happened I was like we're really gonna have sex oh fuck but it's like if you practice it enough it's just like meditation you can get good at it apparently I just forget to practice it because I just crash half the time well you know you asked me about the isolation tank that's what you gotta look into

100:39fuck all that lucid dreaming because the isolation tank is lucid dreaming in 10 minutes guaranteed every time guaranteed every time you're going to go somewhere. Oh, that's awesome. And the more you relax, the more you get good at it, and the more you get good at it, the deeper you can go, and the weirder things get. My dad always told me about it as a kid. He did it a lot in the Air Force. Where do you live? What part of L.A.? You don't have to say. Studio city. You don't have to say, man. That's all right. There's a place in Burbank. It's called Soothing Solutions. It's really good. And they have these tanks, and you rent them by the hour, and it's totally worth it, man. Just try it. It's the same temperature as your body, so you can't feel your body, right? Yep, you don't feel your body. You just feel the water. When you get into it, the water's filled with 800 pounds of salt, so you float. All right.

101:23And then once you relax, you're floating in that water, and you don't hear anything. You don't see anything. You have no sensory input. There's another place in Venice called the Float Lab that's awesome. Oh, wow. He's the guy who built my latest tank. He's the state-of-the-art guy. If you go to FloatLab.com, he's got all of his tanks in the design. It's all stainless steel and shit. His stuff is real high-tech, top-of-the-line stuff. Oh, wow. It's basically the same amount of money as the other tanks on the market. He charges the same amount, but they're fucking infinitely superior. They're amazing. How long can you stay in those? I go in there for hours. Really? Hours, yeah. That's just like extreme meditation, isn't it? It's space travel, dude. I have a spaceship. The things that I've seen, the shit that I see on a regular basis in there, most people don't ever experience in their whole life.

102:06And I experience it several times a week. Which the cool thing is, because the body, if you're not physically there, it's still a real experience. You know what I mean? Your mind is still learning from the experience As if it were real Yes, because you're untethered from your body So your body And you don't get any input from your body So your mind is free to just explore any idea And manifest and visualize these ideas Right You know, your imagination When it's not harnessed Or not like being controlled by the body You know, or being hampered down by the body Your imagination like creates worlds Oh yeah You know, we don't fucking know exactly what thinking and imagination truly is. Yeah, we're not tapped in. What is imagination? The ability to create in your mind. I mean, that seems to me to be some sort of a driving force in the universe. If you look at what the idea of imagination, the idea of creation,

102:58it manifests itself in a bunch of different things. It manifests itself in art, and it manifests itself in inventions, and it manifests things that improve your life and keep people healthy and keep people alive longer. so they figure things out more, so they come up with better ideas. These are all products of the imagination. Everything from science to vitamins, these are products of someone went, I think I can get that shit out of there and put it in a pill. That's the imagination. That's the mind trying to be curious and figure this shit out. I mean, it's like a driving force of the universe. And it's kind of like an all ubiquitous force, too, because it's like sometimes inventions are being thought of at the same time. Yeah, sure. You know, like the Wright brothers, you know, they were working on things, but there was that guy over in England who had his thing he was working on,

103:40and they were racing each other. I mean, flight was inevitable. You knew it was coming. Perfect example was with you saying earlier that cell phones, if you had them in the past, people would think of them like you were a witch. I've said that so many times. Perfect example. But it's two people looking at something. Both of them are going, well, what the fuck is going on here? And then both people come to some sort of a same conclusion. When they figured out radio, it was the same thing. There was a bunch of people that figured out the radio. It was Marconi. There was a bunch of different guys that were working on the same situation. and then every now and then you get a guy like Nikola Tesla that's so fucking far out there. No one thought of any of the shit that he came up with and you look at his stuff and you're like, what the fuck is this dude on? That and Da Vinci. They had Da Vinci up at the Getty

104:21and I went and looked at his scribblings just like he literally, you know, the helicopter, all that shit. Machines, all kinds of machines. The guy was so bloody, genius, brilliant. Like his sketches were just like, I cannot believe somebody was thinking this advanced. Dude, wasn't he in like the 1400s? Somebody made a thread about it on the Rogan board saying what was it could you imagine this is the guy said if you lived in a world where everyone else had down syndrome no he was like that's what it must have been like to be da vinci yeah he was living in the 1400s creating helicopters all his machines bisecting the human body diagramming it to a t and your neighbor's just some retard just like what sayeth you sir yeah he's fucking his sheep and he probably and he's probably one of those guys like i can't believe it's the fucking 1400s. I can't wait. I'm not going to be here. He's probably a time traveler.

105:08Yeah, big time, dude. I think there are time... I think there is going to be time traveling, dude. We can do that shit. Yes, there will be, but there hasn't been. No, there hasn't been. And then when it does happen, like I said, it's going to make everything null and void. It's going to break the whole package. Did you know they filmed Back to the Future, they filmed like half the movie with Eric Stoltz as the role of Marty, and they just weren't feeling it. So they had to go back and re-film the whole movie from the start. They were a month in. With Michael J. Fox? Yeah. With Michael J. Fox. They were a month in with Stoltz. And they just released recently because they just came out on DVD. Yeah, it's on the DVD set. I've seen it before because I remember seeing the Eric Stoltz footage and just like, that ain't right. It's not right. It's not right. It's just not good. Rocky Dennis' Back to the Future.

105:51Eric Stoltz. That's probably what it all fell apart for him. And you know what? That's the thing. It's like, what do you do? He's getting some kind of wonderful and then bit parts here and there. Pulp Fiction was the best. Pulp Fiction was the apex of his career. Was he in Killing Zoe? Yes. Yeah. That's one of my favorite movies. That's a good goddamn movie. And Nikita, too. He was a good actor. There was guys like him, like Matt Modine. What happened to those guys? Matt Modine. Yeah, Matt Modine. I loved Matt Modine. Vision Quest. Yeah, that guy was awesome. Vision Quest is a great goddamn movie. Yeah, dude. He's going to wrestle for State. He's got the heat suit on that are banned now. It's a good fucking movie. That's a good fucking movie. I love Matt Modine. And the hot chick. What the fuck was her name? in that movie? Oh, yeah. God damn, that picture's pretty. God, she was loving it. What is her name?

106:33Who was in Vision Quest? Jennifer Conley? It's not Diane Lane, was it? No. No, I don't think that was Diane Lane. Look it up. Can you IMDB it? It should be Vision Quest. See, this is the beauty of the internet, man. This is the beauty. Everything. No, Brian. Cast. Cast assholes. He writes asshole in everything. Every quest. Really? Yeah. Every time he does an internet search, he'll add finger butthole. Just to see what the photos are. See if Jennifer Connelly has an asshole. Who is the chick? I'm still... Linda Florientino. Damn. Nobody heard of her anymore. Linda Florientino. She was hot as fuck. Yeah. Remember how pretty she was? She was. Remember Phoebe Cates? She was hot. Phoebe Cates, the fast times. When the dude was in the bathroom flapping. Yeah. And she walked in, caught him with his dick in his hand. She just kind of went away too. Yeah. Well, she got pregnant, I think, and had some kids.

107:30Well, she's married to the actor, Greg Kinnear, but the other one is kind of like him. Jonathan Taylor. Yeah. I think she's married to Kevin Kline. Kevin Kline. Did you just say Jonathan Taylor Kline? Oh, Kevin Kline. I thought I was thinking of a different Kevin. Shit. We're talking Hollywood. God damn it. What? She's still a knockout. Linda Farantino? Yeah, she's still a knockout. Is that recent? She kind of looks like she got smushed against a wall on her IMDB. See how it looks like she just got... I hope she didn't have a bright answer. She's still pretty as fuck. Yeah. That would suck. What about having a Laura Flynn Boyle? She's hanging out all the time. She weighs 18 pounds. Gosh, she was crazy. I saw her in a photo. She was walking on the beach, and she looked like she was from Kenya. I saw her. She was a stick figure. I saw her maybe a couple years ago, and she just married some guy.

108:15She's like, this is my new husband. This poor guy is just a regular fella out of Texas, like an accountant. That guy has no idea. Of course, he's like, yeah, I'm going to marry a movie star. Sure. She's a good woman, just trying to keep it together. Yeah. Oh, man. I've seen those before. There's nothing sadder than a dude who's on a ride he doesn't understand. It's so true. It's so true. Some regular civilian who winds up marrying some crazy movie star used to fuck Jack Nicholson. Good old decent Texas fella, too. Bitch, good luck. Oh, I know. Good luck with all your fucking country logic, stupid. This shit ain't going to work out. I'll change him. What has been the weirdest thing about coming here and starting out, working for the comedy store and doing all that shit and then eventually winding up on television starting to make money

109:00what's been the weirdest part about it to you i think it's the weirdest part is for me it's like the distance put in between um some of your peers that you started with because there's this idea that comedy is like freshman football i've been at it long enough i should get my shot but it's bullshit some guys just haven't yeah there's a style with themselves that you're not good there's a you know you're just resentment among some guys that don't become successful about people who are And it's really something sad, too, because it's one of these things where it's like, you know, we started off 10 years ago, a bunch of us together, me, Caparulo, Renazzisi. And it worked for some of us. And for some, it didn't. And it doesn't mean that it's owed to you. Because, like I said, it's like it's really hard. Even if you're really good, it's really hard.

109:40And you're not – Hollywood doesn't owe anybody anything. Not a damn thing. And it didn't ask you to come here, and it doesn't tell you when to leave. But you've got to know. You know, there's some people, like, you'll get it at the comedy store. Like, guys will be like, oh, man, screw the store. I don't get spots there. but it's like, tell me the other clubs that are giving you spots. They can never name one. And if they do, it's some hole in the wall. But if it's like, comedy's the most justified art form, and there's enough, the audience is right there to tell you whether you're any good at it. When I lived in Boston, it was shocking when guys would go somewhere and get sitcoms or be in movies. You know what the local headliners would go? He's a fucking middle act. This guy's a middle act, and he's in a movie. To them, it's like, they didn't get theirs. That was a big attitude amongst Boston guys.

110:20especially after Stephen Wright hit. There's a great documentary about Boston. I forget what it's called. It's fucking shit. Boston Comedy. Look up documentary on Boston Comedy. Big scene. Before the Laughter Dies. I don't know what the fuck is saying. Boston Comedy Movie. What happened to the scene there? It was a fantastic scene, but the problem was all the headliners that were the main part of the movement in the 70s and the 80s, especially the 80s, all the guys who were literally the most talented comedians in the country, they stayed in Boston, and they just burnt out. They did coke, and they fucking partied, and they all owed the IRS a million dollars, and they were fucking savages. And they didn't write a lot of new material, but back then, in those days, I would put them up against any comic ever. That's what I've heard before. I would put Don Gavin up against any comic I've ever seen ever,

111:12as far as craftsmanship, skill, delivery, timing, confidence, passion, not even passion, I should say just his charisma on stage his ability to just get you to laugh at just the perfectly timed joke God Gavin was a killer They don't like to leave the neighborhood Well, they got rich there When you're making several thousand dollars a week doing comedy in Boston and all of a sudden you're going to go on the road and you're going to make one fourth that and people are going to not come out to see you You're doing the punchline in Atlanta They don't know who the fuck you are so that there's half full crowds and they don't care about Boston so they don't want to hear all your Boston jokes which are your best jokes. Right. You know, there's a lot of guys that have all this Boston-centric material in Boston and they will crush with it. They will crush with it. But if you go to Virginia,

112:00they don't give a fuck about Boston. They don't want to talk about it. Was Dennis Leary in that scene? Like, who came out of that? Yeah, he was in the scene. He kind of got out of the scene pretty quick though. He got out of the scene with his MTV shit and then with his first special where he got all the comparisons to Hicks. Sure. where everybody's going stealing Hicks material. Yeah, I've seen those different ones in their entirety. Yeah. They're interesting. Very interesting. Yeah, pretty obvious. Real obvious. Yeah, he was a hack from the beginning. It's really sad. It's like, you know... But he's a guy that just was super ambitious, just wanted to make it and this is his thing. He found this thing. You know, he created, crafted this character and then all of a sudden he needed some material to go along with it so he just kind of copied whatever other people said that was cool and reworked it. It was very obvious.

112:46I see that happen with some guys, especially who have been in it just for a few short years, and they'll get an opportunity. I'll see those guys do that just to survive. It's one of the biggest problems with a guy like Minstelia. Minstelia, and there's a few other guys in town. You know who they are. Yeah. And there's a few guys that are doing well, and they're doing well by doing just that, and it's blatantly obvious to young kids coming up. Right. So instead of like, when I started out in Boston, I mean, you were ostracized if you were a thief. Yeah. If you were a hack, Like, you were, you were pointing, and there was mistakes, and sometimes people come up with jokes, they don't even know that somebody else said it. I've seen it before. Yeah, it happens all the time. I've done it myself. There's mistakes, and then there's, you know, people forget that they heard a joke before.

113:25There's all sorts of shit that people have parallel thinking, that's possible too, but there comes a point in time when you're watching dudes where you know they've seen someone before, and you know, oh, he's just doing this and reworking it, and he's changing it and making it this way. Right, because there's such a specific, like, you know, the thing, obviously with the Carlos thing, the Bill Cosby thing. It's like that. So silly. That's not common thinking. My God. Well, he's a sociopath. There's something. That dude's got a disconnect. You gotta be. You hear him on the Mark Maron podcast? Yeah, I heard that whole thing. Oh, my God. And I'm good for Mark for having him back the second night because Mark's like, you know what? I don't feel good about that. I feel like I deprived you of something. The first thing was gross. Yeah. That's why he said that. Yeah. Because he was embarrassed by how gross he sounded.

114:03Softballs, yeah. It wasn't just softballs. It was like he was saying, well, you got there through comedy. At least you did it through comedy. You did it through comedy. I don't know what the fuck that means. You're a real comedian. What does that mean? You like comedy. It's like, come on. You know what his thing is? He has this thing for people who've made it through comedy. He thinks that's the right way. All these other people have sold out, man. Sure, yeah. Man, you didn't do it the right way. It's like, good luck doing it that way. The grossest thing about the Marin thing was that he thought that, the video that Brian and I made, he said, I think it should have been handled through the community. That's what he said. Yes. Oh, yeah, that's right. That it could have been handled somewhere. How has it ever been handled through the community? Ever. Name one time. They don't give a fuck.

114:43That was the whole purpose for the whole thing. The community didn't give a fuck. They all knew he was stealing. Everyone from Comedy Central knew he was stealing. Everybody that worked on the set, on that show. I knew writers. They all knew he was stealing. This was not. No one was stopping this. And then Maren says this, and then he goes and has him on for fucking three hours talking about it. Oh, it should have been handled with the community, inside the community? You just talked about it for three hours on a podcast. broadcasting to the community. Our video was 10 minutes long, Mark. Yeah, exactly. I remember that. But he's one of those dudes. Marin is one of those dudes. I remember that night. And goddammit, if that didn't really expose him, if that didn't work. That was it. Oh, it worked. It did work. It straightened out a real problem. It was amazing to be... Marin's comparisons were so ridiculous

115:26because he was like, you know, he's talking about parallel thinking or guys sounding like guys. That's, yes. Those are, obviously, those are very real circumstances. It happens amongst comics. I mean, I found myself many times in my career sounding like other comedians that I admired. But there's a big difference between that and ganking people's shit. And Mencia was doing it blatantly in front of everybody all the time. I mean, it's done for him. He's a pariah, right? Yes. He is what he is. His audience has been reduced to what it should have been in the first place. People without an internet connection and people who are so stupid, they don't care if you're full of shit. What does he look at? Is he doing theaters? He's doing good. I'm sure he's making a living. Look, there's plenty of retards out there, bro. You think he'll get back on TV? NASCAR is huge and you know I mean I'm not saying there's anything wrong

116:09with fast cars you know they're pretty fucking cool I would love to you know I wouldn't even mind going to see one live but if you ever look in the audience at NASCAR there's people out there man and there's a lot of them and they're fucking dumb you ever see those Sarah Palin book signing lines oh yeah the looks on them Christ yeah Christ a teabagger rally the looks on them it's like you hate to lump people in but it's like come on there's so many of them bro let's talk about them We live in a nerfed society. We live in a society that makes it real easy for these pussies to get by. And they just turn out dumb and simple. And they want to be around other dumb, simple people. They want to fight everybody who disagrees. I'll tell you this on this land. Well, my grandfather died fighting for this land. Shut the fuck up. They have kids. And you just look at the kids. You're like, there's no hope.

116:59You fucking blood clot for progress. You cunt. You dumb fuck. And that's the problem with voting. The problem with voting is there's at least as many of them as there are people that are sensible. And there's a lot of people that are sensible that are barely keeping it together. The stress of modern day society is too much for the fucking mortal body. People's bodies are not meant for fucking four hours every day in traffic and bullshit and fucking stress at work because you have to pretend to be someone that you're not because you want to keep your job. So you have to listen to this fucking cuntbag, stupid, retard boss. The only reason he's in there is because he married the fucking boss's daughter. And holy shit, you're losing your marbles, bro. And then you start falling apart at the seams. Well, you can vote, too. You can vote, too. You don't have your brain in order.

117:39You're not making good decisions. Your whole life's a goddamn mess. What, we got a problem here with these goddamn liberals who want to take my taxes? That's not the problem. We got a bigger problem, a way bigger problem. Yeah, a much bigger problem. We're moving in a direction, and no one has analyzed the direction. We're just going. It's just amazing when those people, though, they think, if you make less than $200,000 a year, you're not a Republican. I hate to tell you But you're just not Yeah You're not a real one You don't know what you're doing You don't know what you're doing And you're not servicing A party that's made for you Isn't it amazing That they've managed To connect Like being like Good folk And being like Good god Guns and government Yeah They've managed To connect all that together With big business That doesn't give a fuck About you or the environment Yeah Like they've managed To connect hunting

118:23And fishing Right Like Bush would always Be hunting And you know Fucking the famous thing Where Dick Cheney Shot his friend in the face Yeah You know And Sarah Penguins always shooting news. Yeah, I kill. All the conservatives, all the ones who want to let these fucking raping companies just continue, these Monsantos and fucking Halliburtons, continue to fucking just crush across the world. Yeah. These are the hunters. And they get the people like that, like the Palins. It's cool. It's chic now, especially in this election, to be dumb. Yeah. To not know anything. Ignorance is now celebrated in politics. Elitism is poo-pooed and shadowed. Oh, he went to an Ivy League school. That's a good thing. That's a good thing when you go to an Ivy League school He doesn't understand us Regular folks I started out on my dad's farm Whoa whoa whoa What books have you read Why the fuck are you going to be the leader

119:12What is exceptional about your philosophy We're getting people That are just good talkers That's all we require We just require them to be able to talk good in public And look like someone who could be leader The president should be the smartest person in the room Right but is that possible I don't think that the whole world needs leaders. I think that the way we exist right now, we exist in the same manner that they existed when there was 500 monkey people to a group. And they all had to fight off the coming tribes, the tribes that would come and try to steal their shit. And they all had to rely on the baddest motherfucker. Who's the guy who's been around the longest? He's the guy who knows how to escape. He knows the trails. He knows where the food is in the woods. He knows the best places to hide. I think the president should be Miss America. every year we get to look at a hot new sexy president

119:58wouldn't that be awesome like the president gives speeches in like swimsuits and stuff it's hard to tell too think about this like Obama he's only been in two years and he did make a good point on Jon Stewart's show he's like I didn't guarantee this shit overnight well and here's the thing can it be fixed doesn't it seem like it's built on a foundation of unfixable shit it seems like our stock market This Taibbi article that I was reading about the stock market, when he was talking about how many companies are betting against BP, that there's this gigantic derivatives market where people get to gamble on whether or not someone defaults on their loans and gamble whether or not a company can succeed and repay loans. And there's this shadow economy that's based on all that. It's a mindfuck. That is. Dude, what I've always said about this is if they can rip off accountants, how crazy is this shit?

120:54How crazy is this shit for real? Forget about you and I, who know nothing about the economy. They're ripping off accountants. That's how deep this fucking web... They're creating non-tangible things to make tangible money. And they're getting away with it. Somehow or another, they're getting away with it. Instead of fixing and putting in a totally new operating system, they're just putting up new paths and new parts of the registry and new pathways. Talk about that. That's what stifles America's growth in a lot of ways. Like in Japan and China, their internet is just far superior to ours. Is it really? Because we use the pre-existing structure. Yeah, super, super fast. They have, what do they use, fiber optics. And see, we have a pre-existing copper and kind of old school wiring. That's why the cable companies and the internet have never really gotten in bed in this country.

121:39Everywhere else, that internet TV is normal. Really? To access the web from your TV. They're just starting to really do that now. Sony's released a nice, like it's a 40-incher. Yeah, they got a TV internet that gets everything from your TV. And they should have that. And that technology has been available for 10 fucking years. They should have been doing that. I think there's been a lot of resistance. These cable companies know. Those cable companies are big time. They run a fucking major. You want to talk to some serious con artist, it's a cable company. Yeah. Oh, for sure, man. And then the internet popped up. We already had a preexisting structure, and so China never had one, so they just built a whole fucking new one. It's like, look at us. They laugh at our internet. It's instant. Yeah. Wow. Push something instant. Whenever I do a thread on your message board with speed tests, it's like, I'm all proud

122:21of my, you know, whatever, 30 megabyte download connection. You get 30 megs? Something like that, yeah. Is this the U-verse? AT&T U-verse? Yeah. Goddamn, 30 megs? Yeah. But then you look at other people's and they're like, 88 megs? Dude. I remember when I used to play Quake, there was dudes that would get like four ping. Their ping would be like four. I'm like, how is this? Are you in the room with the server? Right. How are you getting four? They were just on some crazy fat fucking cable pipe. Yeah. When cable internet first came around and everybody else had like ISDN. Oh my God. you could get online and rape them. They were like frozen. Their shit would be like, they'd have 150 ping from like a 56K modem or an ISDN line. And what ping is, is the amount of milliseconds it takes between the actual action and it happening. So you would have to lead, like if you want to shoot a guy with a railgun,

123:07you'd have to assume that he was going to keep running in the same direction. You would actually lead him. So you would aim right in front of him with a railgun and you'd have to plan in your mind for 150 milliseconds. Oh, wow. Yeah. The guys were really good. There was guys that would kill you. they would fuck you up even with a lag because they they knew how to time the lag and they knew what weapons were good to deal with the non-specific aiming that you had to employ that's pretty damn smart dude dudes become you get tuned into it and you become like one of the things about video games it's like your fast twitch and your movements and everything they become in tune with the parameters of the game well they say that teaches kids skills today that is helping their motor skills because I played that Grand Theft Auto but I never stole cars, I would go play this free mode where you can just run around

123:54the city and wreak havoc and you start to develop a lifestyle. I became a sniper, a really good one. I was Lee Harvey Oswald. And I would snipe people and I was really, really good at it. And I would go sit on top of buildings and I would call you on the cell phone because you had the earpiece. And the guy would be like, hello? I'd be like, say cheese, motherfucker. Boom. And I'd off him from a skyscraper. And it's like, I started living this life and I would get thrills out of it. I'd get excited. I'd be proud of myself. I got really good flying a helicopter. It's fucking hard to fly a helicopter. The best thing I would always do was everybody get in the helicopter. And then I jump out. I kill them all. I laugh my ass off. And you blow them up? Yeah. You'll commit suicide but it's hard to see them because they're working on stuff. Because they're like, motherfucker, I was working

124:42on something over because it's New York. It's like I was over in Brooklyn, you take me all the way over here to do this, you fucking dick. dude that shit or you land it on top of like the Statue of Liberty or something like that it's just so fun you go around exploring there's no rules and you just run amok but after a while there is kind of like an understanding like if you see another dude like sometimes a dude will just come up with beef like just doing drive-bys on you you're like alright but then sometimes a dude will walk up and want to hang out those are the guys you take for a ride I roll solo I'm Charles Bronson in that fucking city I ain't hanging out with nobody you get in my car you're gonna get got dude you're done with I'm going to embarrass you. You jack people? You jack people. I had no friends in Liberty City. Poor Matt, the door guy at the comedy store. He was like, hey, let's meet up, man. Give me your code.

125:27I was like, yeah, all right. Let's show right up. I'm like, boom. He's like, what the fuck? I was like, it's just the way it goes in Liberty City, homie. You're a dick. Dudes get hurt. That's hilarious. Why make friends if I can shoot you? And suffer no repercussions for it. I'm alone. I got friends in real life, bitch. I'm a lone wolf in that fucking city That's hilarious Grab a car, listen to some tunes, go do drive-bys on people Provoke the police, that game is so much fun Now do you do this online with a PC? I do it online I do it online with a PS3 I fucking hate game controllers You need to get over it You need to just play it for a month and you'll get used to it Oh you only do computers Mouse and keyboard is better, just better period I've tried both, I understand the appeal It is not as specific Or are the graphics better on a computer? Just always. Yeah, the graphics are better, the resolution's better.

126:19But more importantly, when you're in front of the screen, you're dealing with, you know, you shouldn't be dealing with, if you really want to pay attention, more than 21 inches. Right, 21 inches. You want a small screen. It's not too big, because otherwise your eyes are not going to be able to keep up with everything. You're right about that. And a mouse and a keyboard is way better. Yeah. You can move much more specifically with a mouse and a keyboard, and a mouse is way more accurate as far as aiming. So in fast twitch games like Quake and Unreal Tournament and all those crazy games. But Grand Theft Auto is not like that. Can I get Grand Theft Auto on, computer? You can, but you don't need to do mouse. That's a game that you... Grand Theft Auto is not a fast Twitch game. Most games aren't moving to joystick, though. Full range of motion, most of them are.

126:57I've gotten so good at the Xbox controller, the PS3 controller, that I don't even realize I'm... Yeah, it's secondary to me. The problem is, once you've done Quake, once you've experienced this super high adrenaline rush of really high speed, 3D action, death matches, with rocket launchers and shotguns. I'm all about death matches. That's all I'm about, bro. I'm all about this. I don't want a regular... I want a game where I can walk regular speed. I want a game where I can rocket jump. I want to shoot a rocket at the ground and jump at the same time and go flying through the air. That's badass. That's cool. You need to play so many more games, Joe. I get bored. When you play Deathmatch on Grand Theft Auto... No, you like those other boring... I like that shit on Grand Theft Auto, that Deathmatch. Oh, there's a Deathmatch? There's a Deathmatch. They'll throw 18 people from all around the world. all around the world

127:43and you just I love killing somebody I know is real I just know somebody I'm on the other end and I got the earpiece and everything and I'd go into rooms and be a bunch of teenage boys and be like yeah niggas who's ready to get killed and they'd be like who is this guy nobody would talk shit to me it's amazing how a voice will work nobody would talk shit I'd be like yeah motherfucker how'd that feel I'm 12 I'd do voices and shit all the time it was fucking this one So everybody's allowed to talk when you get in a room? Yeah, everybody can talk. You can mute yourself. You can mute people if they get annoyed. And then you'll hear French. You'll hear Chinese. You'll hear little kids that are fighting with their mom, and you're giving them advice. Like, throw her vagusail at her. And they're like, Mom! And then you'll hear the dismay of somebody when you fuck them up in a death match. And I was nasty.

128:28You're like, fuck, shit! I was a grenade expert. I would hold it, but I'd do a drive-by on you and drop it at the last second and take off and just fuck your world up. Battlefield, where you just drop a grenade, like you're driving with somebody, and then you get out and you put a grenade in. Yeah, it's so good. I mean, I had to stop playing. I had to stop playing to live my life again. I was like, I'm not living my life. Do you remember Robert from the Comedy Store, the manager who got addicted to World of Warcraft? Robert Davies? Not World of Warcraft. No, it was the other one. EverQuest. Was it Robert Davies? Yes. You remember Robert? Yeah, yeah. I didn't know he was into that. Famous Robert quote. I say this all the time to people when I talk about people who are addicted to games. We're in the back of the Comedy Store, back by the bar area, and he goes, it's so weird.

129:06I'm so successful in my online life, but so unsuccessful in my real life. Because his online life in EverQuest, he was a pimp. He was like a sorcerer with magic and shit. That's great. Yeah, he had like pet dragons in his online life. There was a documentary about those people, The World of Warcraft. Did you see that one? It was amazing. Like what it cost them. Very dangerous. It's like a bad drug habit. It's like heroin. Like dudes are having to move out. People have got the kids starve. Yeah. Because they get addicted with these online role-playing games. Yeah. I met this hot chick that was like supermodel hot, and I found out that she was addicted to that game like 12 hours a day. World of Warcraft? Yeah, and it just blew my mind and was like, okay, this game might not be too bad. I would play Grand Theft Auto probably like up to four hours a day, and I felt like that was even a waste.

129:50It's so cool, though, to put these headphones on and click and enter into a world where there's a bunch of other people online. And it's a gigantic, massive arena, so you can wander around all these different areas. What's the one that just came out? Bobby Lee keeps trying to get me to get... He plays it all the time. It's Las Vegas. Oh, no. Fallout? Fallout. Fallout of Las Vegas. That's what I'm playing right now. Is that what you're playing? You like that? Oh, fuck yeah. Have you played the first one? Fallout 3? I've never played... Dude, fuck that. Get Fallout 3 for $19. Play that thing. You'll fucking love it and go beat. Because it's the exact same game, but it's in Vegas. I love Deathmatch and GTA so much, I never felt the need to play another game. And then I heard Medal of Honor is pretty good. What is this Fallout game like?

130:29it's more like first person shooter mixed with like a role-playing game but it's one of these games that if he because he likes grand theft auto it's just an open sandbox meaning there is tons of different endings there's tons of different you can either be a good person or a bad guy but what's cool is just like going into these towns and it's really realistic and you can go why don't they do it with a mouse and keyboard because everyone everyone's used everyone's used to the but it's not as accurate yeah but only a certain amount of games like like quake doesn't mean well They've actually had game-offs where they've taken people with PC versions of the game and played them against people. Yeah, for Quake. Not just Quake. There's only a certain amount of games that need to be that accurate.

131:10Meaning if you are all playing Battlefield with a controller, there's people that are awesome at that controller. What I'm telling you is that you're missing one of the most satisfying parts of the game. Yeah, but you're talking statistics and numbers. What is Quake? I've never played that. I'm not talking statistics and numbers. I'm talking about the most satisfying part of these third-person shooters is having nasty aim. It's being able to blast dudes. But they make games with the controller in mind, so you can't have nasty aim playing any of these games. But you won't have as good aim as playing with a mouse and a keyboard. When they've played against each other, the mouse and the keyboard people always win. Yeah, but... Because it's more accurate. I understand that it's accurate enough. I think it's accurate enough.

131:49But if you were playing against a guy with a mouse and a keyboard, it's not accurate enough. Right, but you're never playing with a guy with a mouse and a keyboard. You're playing other people with controllers. But why would you do that if you know a mouse and a keyboard is more accurate? Because you get – Listen, man. The whole thing is accuracy in those games. The whole thing is – in Quake, the whole thing is strategy, planning out your map, and then being able to accurately pick a guy off. They designed the game with the controller and accuracy of the controller's limitations in mind. So what you might be playing Quake where you are so – I understand this, Brian. You're repeating yourself. What I'm saying is it doesn't matter to me because I'll always know that the mouse and the keyboard is more accurate. For Quake? No, anytime. It's more accurate. No, no, no. You play –

132:26A mouse is a more accurate way of aiming, period. I bet if you get the best Battlefield 1943 guy versus the best 1943 guy on a computer, I bet there's not going to be a huge difference to where you can go. There's a difference, man. There's a difference. The mouse guys always win. It's more accurate. This is not like an opinion. It's pretty much – it's more accurate. You can measure it on a computer. You're shutting off all games on the console because you don't like the controller where a game... I don't want to get addicted to games, period. Grand Theft Auto has nothing to do with the accuracy. But to me, if I'm going to play video games, I'm going to play the most thrilling ones. And the most thrilling ones to me are first-person shooters. Deathmatch style, first-person, like Quake, Counter-Strike, shit like that. You're running around shooting.

133:10Mouse and keyboard is the only way to go with those things, man. That's exactly what the Deathmatch and Grand Theft Auto, and you have all of New York City as your playground for a Deathmatch. I could be totally down with that though but I would want to be able to get people with a mouse and a keyboard you could snipe people and have perfect accuracy you have to make sure that they're not looking at you I'm a level 10 dude when you're playing Quake you don't get opportunities dudes don't sit around and just wait to be shot in the head everybody's constantly moving you have to be very accurate these guys move all the time you go to the airport and have the death match I go find a nest somewhere and I just let them run and I'll lead them in Quake they call it camping A dude would rocket jump up. There was certain crazy trick moves that you could do,

133:50and one of them was this dude figured out how to double rocket jump to get to the top of this tower. He would throw a grenade down, and then he would rocket jump on the grenade. Oh, that's dope. So he would make sure that the grenade, he'd time the grenade, he'd clink, clink, clink, and then he would rocket jump, as it went off, and he would go sailing to the top of this tower. It was a trick move, and then he would just jack people and win the map because you couldn't get him out of there, and he would just peck you off of the rails. I should go get this today, Quake. Oh, fuck yeah. You could have got it yesterday. Quake 1, 2, 3, 4. They've all been out for a long time. Get Killzone 2. Have you played that yet? Why do you say you don't want Quake? I want Quake. I love it. Because Killzone 2 is a million times better. There's so many games that are a million times better. To you. You just haven't played them.

134:28To you. You just described everything I like. I love Warfare. I just love Warfare. It's tactical. If you love Warfare, you can be tactical. Yes. One-on-one death matches with Quake are the most fucking thrilling shit you can ever do online. It's whittled down to one dude online and some before, and it gets real exciting. Brad, you love different tastes than me. No, no, I'm just saying my tastes are different. I'm just saying that they've taken that game and have made it a million times better. But you're saying it to you. You're saying to you it's going to be better. Yeah, Killzone's pretty good. There's a ton of games. To me, if it's not a mouse and keyboard and it's not that kind of accuracy. You can get these for Mac? Most of these games are for Mac also. A lot of the Call of Duty. Has Mac caught up? Mac's not really, right? It's all right. EA has been pushing it a little bit better lately.

135:09What's a good one I can get for Mac? They all have boot camps. Can I get Quake for Mac? Yes. Is it getting to a point now, though, where most games are just going console? For the most part. I mean, they still release them here and there, but they're selling a million times more on console. Yeah, most consoles are becoming... Just because you can have the best computer, and then you get that game, and it's awesome. Next year, you're going to have to do something about your computer if you want it to be as good as a console or whatever. So the console, what they've done is they've just kind of standardized everything. And this is what you get, and bam, you just set it up. It should be updatable, though. Makes sense. Or your computer. They're constantly updating a computer. That's the problem. Then you get a virus or you get something that slows down your computer and then you're fucked.

135:47Consoles, everything is designed for the console like a Mac is. All the programs are designed for Macs. So it doesn't ever really get slower. Your PS3 is going to be as fast as the first day you get is the last day. I'm going to get that quake on the way home. You already got me. I love killing people. It's so addictive, dude. Are you good at aiming with a mouse and a keyboard? No, but I can get good at it. I would go online, man, and I would play against dudes who are professionals. Every now and then, dudes who are real professional players would be in these rooms. and you go one-on-one deathmatch against these guys and just get raped. They'll teach you the way. It's like what kind of control and domination someone can have over you. I always love that. It's so exciting. Your fucking heart is beating a million miles in the net. Dude's chasing after you. You see lightning going right by your head

136:28and barely missing you. You're like, ah! Dude, I love it. I love urban warfare too, especially that's the cool thing about Grand Theft Auto. They have the, you know, you can go to different boroughs in New York and stuff. Actually, you can click QuakeLive for free. Just click QuakeLive.com and you can play for free. Really? Quick Live, yeah. Yeah, it's a web-based program. It works for Mac, too. And you just fucking keep me away from it. So scary, man. Quick Live, and I'm on, and I'm gaming. You lose your goddamn life, bro. They're going to get you. No, I love it. They're going to get you. I love it. Dude's going to be hitting you with a chain gun. Oh, I love it, man. Cut you down. I love it. I love it. I was so nasty in Deathmatch, and the other one, it's like I would come up just to piss somebody off. I'd stab them to death. They'd have a gun, and I'd shank them to death just to be a dick.

137:09Brian and I first met, we played online once, and this was like in the height of my Quake addiction. And we only played once. Yeah, he won like 102 times in a row or something ridiculous. I didn't even win. But to me, that wasn't even like a fun experience. Well, that was because it was unmatched. I played Unreal, I played the Quakes all my life. But to me, the idea of just run, run, run, kill, kill, die. Run, run, run, kill, die. That's not fun to me. I want a little bit more of an adventure, I guess, mixed in with my first-person shooter. Or just not having to start over from scratch every 30 seconds or a minute. Well, normally you don't. It was not enjoyable to you because we were unmatched. We were poorly matched. Well, see, the thing is, I don't like tasks. I've never stolen a car and grabbed that off. I ain't driving anything, bitch. I don't work for anybody. I'm here to shoot people.

138:01I'm here to run down hallways and lightning gun someone to death. Right. I'm all about murder. I bring nothing but hate and evil. I'm here to rocket launch you in the face, Mitch. I love that shit. I'm here to catch you when you're hitting that bouncy pad, jumping through the air. I want to catch you mid-jump with a rail gun and watch you explode in a spray of red. I love that, dude. Red pixels. QuakeLive.com, is that what we're talking about? So much fun. QuakeLive.com. And I can just get on and play for free? Yeah. It's so much fun. Yeah, I mean, it can lose your life. Since you've never played it, you'll probably like it, but I think you're going to be easily, like, okay. No, no, I think you're just going to be easily bored with it. you're going to be more for like the Vegas, Fallout Vegas or something like that. Why would you say that? Why would he be easily bored if he likes death matches?

138:40Because he likes Grand Theft Auto type games. But he likes death matches. But just the death match in Grand Theft Auto. I never do the tasks. I've never done any of the tasks. Right, right, right. That's what I'm saying. But you like the open-end rule. You're not dying every three seconds in Grand Theft Auto. You're collecting weapons. Brian, you only die every three seconds when you play someone who's way better than you. Well, in the death match, you do. If you watch people in the death match of Quake, people are dying at least once every minute or so. You're talking, okay, once every minute, yeah. But you're also talking, are you talking one-on-one? Are you talking free-for-all? No, I'm talking about team deathmatch free-for-all. Yeah, if I'm playing a deathmatch in GTA and there's 18 people in it, you're dying about an average of a minute. And you're good if you stay alive.

139:17If you're going right in the middle of it. To me, I'm like you. I get to collect my weapons. I collect some health. There's some rooms where the moderator only allows rocket launchers. So you have to just basically go around shooting by people's feet and not fuck yourself up. So those ones are cool too. But I like warfare. I like collecting my weapons and getting a grenade. Yeah. And tactically leading somebody into a trap. Well, that's the best thing about the deathmatch and quake is that you control a map and that the weapons will respawn every 30 seconds. Oh, that's great. So you can keep running around, snatching up the rocket launchers as they respawn. Right. And every time you get them, you get extra rockets, and this guy can't get shit. So he's running around with his gay little pistol with only a certain amount of bullets, and you're fully loaded with all the armor. You're timing all the armor.

140:01Yeah. You're timing all the weapon respawns. You have all your weapons, all your armor, and you're just raping him every time he responds. How is it free? How are they making money? Can you pull it up? Can I see it? It's an old game. Quake has been around for a long time. And Quake Live is just their way of giving back to the community and making people excited about their game. And making it so that it's a cross-platform thing that they can do where it's web-based. So they can work on their shit while they develop new games. They work on their ability to make them for the web. Do you still play? Are you still playing? No, it's scary to me. too scary I don't want to lose my life I've talked about it so many times in the podcast I can't talk about it anymore but I have a real addiction to games I get addicted to things yeah me too we talked about it I think how many comics are like us a lot right it's part of

140:46you have to be you have to be a sick fuck to want to go up and make strangers laugh to extract an involuntary response for them intermittently it's a fucking weird thing and risk them not laughing and get through them not laughing and rebound and try it again yeah you should have seen I was in Iowa at the Flowning Bone last week, and the Friday night, they just stared at us. Just stared at us. And I was like, oh, my God. This is going to be a long week. And luckily, it was just a different crowd. And the rest of the crowds were great. So much so, in fact, I was very impressed. I was like, oh, you guys are pretty fucking cool people here. They were very... There's a lot of cool people all over the country now because of the Internet. Yeah. The kids are cool now. Just a very cool... And there was no conservative. There's some of the libertarians, which I feel bad for real libertarians.

141:31the one that the teabaggers are starting to extract their message, which they're nothing about. Real libertarians aren't like that at all. But there's some real libertarians out there and some cool guys that talk politics. There's some teabaggers that are real libertarians. Yeah, there are. There's the Ron Pauls of the movement. And I feel bad that they get lumped in with the wrong ones. It's a very, very tricky thing when you start getting a giant group together. Because it's like, okay, who's in this group? Okay, and what are your beliefs? But you're calling yourself a teabagger too, but you don't like black people? Right. Okay. And you think Obama should go back to Africa, and you think he was born in Indonesia, but you're a teabagger, too. Right. So it's like it gets confusing. It's like whenever you have a big group, it's like, God damn it. Do we have to state what it is to be a teabagger?

142:10You must love everyone indiscriminately. You must do this. You must do that. You must not be a Civil War reenactor. Yeah. I mean, libertarians had theirs pretty well mapped out, though, before. You knew exactly what they stood for. No police states. Is it funny, though, that it's such a fringe organization that it's thought of as fringe? Like, oh, I voted libertarian. oh, you fucking idiot. And that's the only way to make change. If somebody finally does something and says, fuck voting right or wrong, or fuck voting, I'm voting how I feel. Because it's like they were saying when Obama was running, I liked Ron Paul a lot. I really liked him. I was like, I kind of think I want to vote for this guy. I won't say whether I did or didn't, but it's like I was more attuned with everything he was saying. Yeah, without a doubt. But we've talked about this before, that they always made him out to be kooks.

142:54Everyone on Fox News made him out to be a kook. Everyone on CNN. I mean, that's not impartial reporting. That's not even the news. What they're doing is they were programming us to think that he was a joke candidate. That was the agenda. It really is sad because when you listen to that man talk, he makes more sense than anybody. He's not a politico. These are not statements or catchphrases. He'll tell you honestly, and it's like, wow, you'll never get into office because nobody will ever have the balls to pull the trigger on you. It's a real wake-up call whenever there's any political campaigning. Whenever you look at that crazy lady in Arizona, what is the woman's name? Jan Brewer. Yeah, Jan Brewer. She made up some crazy shit about her father dying in World War II. Meanwhile, her father's alive. There was that. Now there's the DUI things popping up. Yeah, she's fucking crazy.

143:38She made up shit about people losing their headless bodies being found on the Mexican border. You see her fold on her fucking debate, how she just froze? She stopped for 10 seconds. I was like, who does that? Who really does that? I wouldn't stop at gunpoint. Well, what it was explained to me was that she was never even elected for that job. She was given that job. Well, when Napolitano left, she was lieutenant governor. She was. And you know what? They will elect her today. You think so? That's my old hometown, man. I love my people there, and I love springtime in Arizona, but there's some politically backwards. It's gotten more backwards since I've left. It was pretty cool in the 90s. Fife Symington was governor. We were in a club in Phoenix, and Brian set me hip to one of the major problems in Phoenix. Do you remember that? This was a long time ago, many, many years ago. They're all cocaine vampires.

144:27Oh, yeah. We were in this club, and I had never done coke before. And Brian goes, everyone's on coke. He's like, what are you talking about? He's like, everyone. Everyone here's on coke. And I go, okay, okay. Tell me how you know they're on coke. And he goes, watch. He goes, you're going to look around. Don't look yet. You're going to look around. Everyone's going to be touching their nose, and they're all going to be talking, and they're all going to be very excited, and there's going to be a lot of fist pumps and a lot of fucking high fives. He goes, just look around. and all of a sudden I looked around and it was like the opening scene in Blade where the blood starts spraying from the ceiling and the guy's confused like what the fuck he's like what the hell man that's so true because it's too hot during the day and they stay in the clubs all night it's just a it's a very strange thing and it happened in the old west

145:09even in Wyatt Earp's day there's just always been this strange outlaw rogue mentality there which is cool but here's a problem with Phoenix I love Phoenix I love going back there the problem with that place is it gets too hot 120 at 2 a.m. It's too hot. And people stop thinking when it gets that hot. And it really is. And it's something where it's like, you know, I haven't lived there in 10, 11 years. And I could never. I don't know how I lived in it. I don't know how I did it. I don't know how. Extreme heat brings like a lackadaisic mentality. You lackadaisical. Are you like, ugh? Yeah, it does. You don't want to do anything. You're like, fuck this. You just hopscotch from air conditioner to air conditioner. Yeah, yeah. That's literally what you do. It's not good. I'd rather have chili. I'd rather have 30 degrees. Yeah. I would rather have 30 degrees like Colorado. It's fucking perfect here, dude.

145:52It's like 75 degrees every day. It gets hot out here in the valley. It gets hot. It's awesome in Malibu. When you're by the ocean, Santa Monica. With the marine layer and everything. Yeah, because it's never hot. It's never cold. It's always like 70-something degrees. You can always wear shorts in November if you want to. That's what's good about the marine layer. It keeps the heat out. It keeps it cool in when it needs to. Until a big rock from the sky hits that bitch and the water comes a thousand miles high towards the rocks. And I'll be out there looting, son. Will you be? Yeah, I'll be out there looting. Will you go looting at the first sign of anything going wrong? Would you put a mask on, or do you think you would just, fuck it, risk those YouTube videos? I think, you know what I would do is just go completely like Lord of the Flies. I'd get a crazy haircut. Yeah? Just do everything.

146:38One eyebrow maybe off. You know, whatever. Back style? Yeah. Do you ever worry about that? About the end of the society? About everything falling apart? I don't worry about it. I think about it. Like I said earlier, I think if I was part of the last generation, that would be kind of a cool thing. It would be. It's like, yeah, this generation. What about the last generation? That's some cool shit. If we're all dying together. The last generation, it won't matter because there will be no one to tell the story to. But you know what? Exactly. But there's no kaboom. There's no we end all at once. I think the idea is just like how it's happened before. It's something real bad will happen, and then people will die out and replenish after a while. But it will just be shitty times. you know like even if nuclear war happens all over the world got it too good right now with

147:19refrigerators and cell phones we got it wired dude go to the supermarket get a big fat steak pick up some fucking charcoal come home light that bitch kick back watch a little of the fucking high-def tv watch some hd net fights and shit have a cold beer out of your refrigerator it's just getting better and better it's the greatest time to be alive ever it really is and every day you can say that. And so when people say like, I won't bring kids into this world, it's like, shut up, faggot. It's never been good. Exactly. Shut your mouth. Would you rather bring them in the fucking King Arthur day and die of smallpox? Your baby's a witch. Yeah. They're fucking beating it with sticks and lightning on fire. Fuck you. It's the best time to have people right now. It's the absolute best time. And speaking of which, not speaking of which, where are you at next? Where are you doing stand-up? I'll be at the comedy store

148:06locally here in LA this week. Then I'm going to be headlining in La Jolla. What time are your spots? because you know the comedy store. I'm usually on at 10 p.m. between 10 p.m. and 10.45. There's some times to avoid at that motherfucker. Yeah, there certainly is. You know, from 9 o'clock until midnight, it's pretty good. You guys been getting good crowds down there? Yeah, real good crowds. We've joined the 21st century thanks to Alf Lamont. We're online now. Yeah, Alf is cool. He's real cool. Contacted me on Twitter. I've gone back and forth with him. Seems like he's dedicated to the idea of the store. That's what the store always needs. It needs someone to come along that believes in the whole message of it. Sure. And there really isn't a whole lot to do. Mitzi's on it. It's like Aunt Bethany in Christmas Vacation. Is the house on fire clock? How many conversations do you have with Tommy on a regular? Oh, dude.

148:54It's really sincere. What's the most ridiculous shit he's ever said to you? Well. My favorite thing about it is it's not even like people are like, he's racist. He's not really racist. He just believes some crazy shit. Like what? Like if somebody does something, they'll be like, oh, it's because they're German. I'd be like, I don't think they're... It's because they're Protestant. It's like, how do you even know? You know, it's just like he's a very interesting character. Him and Johnny Zapp, you know there's characters up there that you'll never forget as long as you live. It's a magnet for crazy people. It really is. And it's just like a beacon for them on the Sunset Strip. They would never try to walk into another business. They wouldn't walk into the Andas next door. They wouldn't try that at the house of blue. They'd come right to the store. It's a magnet.

149:40And they know they can go to the very back and come out without being hassled. They know. Robert William Approvise has fucking plastic bags popping out of his clothes. You see him hanging out there. He insulates his body with plastic bags because he's got to walk like 10 miles to get to the comedy store. I saw him like last week, and he was talking to Tommy. And I was like, I just went to go like, hey, good to see you. You can't touch him. I know. And he freaked me out. He'll start yiping like a dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's nuts. I heard he played basketball at UCLA. Yeah? I heard he was quite brilliant. Really? I heard he was this brilliant. I mean, I shouldn't know this far, but he was a brilliant dude. Now he's living downtown in the Alexandria Hotel. He just went nuts. It's like schizophrenia got him. Because you can tell. You can have a conversation with him. I have.

150:26Brian was just talking about another guy that we know that went nuts. Yeah. You want to talk about that? No. Why not? Because that's not as personal. But I think it's weird how if you look at comics in general, there's a big part of these comics that they do end up losing their minds. They do end up going through huge things of depression and getting into hardcore drugs. Well, it's a crazy ride, man. The ride of needing to constantly be up and on that stage and constantly be pumping it out and turning it on for people. It's a very delicate balance, and you have to balance out your ego with your imagination, with your desire to please people, with your desire to make yourself. I mean, you have to figure out what the fuck you're doing this for, why you're doing it. You have to figure out why bits aren't working. You've got to figure out why they're not liking you. There's a lot of shit going on.

151:17It's a lot of stress for a lot of people, and some of them just can't handle it after a while. The very need for it in the first place, it usually signifies something went wrong in their childhood. Oh, absolutely. I would say that my dad didn't play ball with me. That's why I'm a comedian. That's exactly why. I need the attention of people. Everybody, right? All of us. Have you ever met anybody that's any good that isn't like that? Yeah, or that had a great upbringing and was like, yeah, childhood was great. And it's one of the reasons why we can identify with each other. It's one of the reasons why we appreciate each other and respect each other in a way that, like even when I was talking about Marc Maron earlier, I like Marc. I don't have a problem with Marc, but if I saw Mark in Germany, if I was going to the airport in Germany and all of a sudden I ran into Mark, I'd be genuinely happy to see him.

152:04Somebody of your ilk. He's like one of me. You know what I mean? We might be different, but we're both comics. There might be a thousand of us in the whole country, for real. If you look at all the comedians in this country, all the professional comedians, there's 300 million plus people and Mexicans. Who knows how many that really is. 300 million plus people and out of them maybe a thousand of them are professional comedians and out of that thousand comedians maybe how many are headliners are there 300 are there 500 is there even is there even that many it is it's a very exclusive group that's a nutty number man 500 people that's pretty amazing we're just throwing that off the top of our head but I think it's probably pretty accurate you're probably dead right about that because we live in comedy cities it's like when people meet a comedian outside of LA or something it's like meeting an astronaut to them

152:51they don't know what it's about totally you know here the comedy community in indianapolis when i was in indianapolis i was some dudes that were like local comics there yeah it's nice to see it's nice to know that there's like a little amateur community and they've got i go well what else you do around here oh there's a bar that does comedy on tuesday night there's this place and this guy runs a room and you know they're trying to like develop some little comedy community they gotta go and iowa has it too when i was there they had a little community going he's like you got any advice i go get the fuck out of iowa you know but it's not bad to start out in a place it sucks it's not bad and you know what the Midwest, they have some great clubs, some Phony Bones. They're always good. And I always feel the need to support those clubs, too, and come back and do those clubs. I try to do

153:29all the cool little clubs. I love going back and doing the Punchline Atlanta. You ever do the Punchline Atlanta? I've never been. Oh, it's a fucking beautiful club. Perfect size. It's got wood paneling, ancient photographs. I mean, it hasn't changed a nick. Isn't it the underground? Brian went up during a fucking UFC night. He hadn't done comedy in years. and we were smoking weed and we were drunk and we were like, you want to do some comedy tonight? He's like, what, tonight? Tonight's in this fucking crowd? Come on, dude, just get up there and do it. He goes, alright, let me try to remember my stuff. He hasn't done comedy in like, how long have you not done comedy? Three or four years. And he only did it like ten times before that. And this was a midnight UFC crowd at the Punchline Atlanta, but that's how good the Punchline is. That a midnight fucking crowd on a UFC night

154:17where there were just savages in the audience. And he could still go out and kill. Oh, that's great, dude. It's a fucking classic club. Perfect size. Great owners, too. Great setup. I like how they have this little balcony. Yeah. Comedy Works in Denver. That's another one. Yeah. Fucking epic place. Right. Epic little club. Yeah. This weekend, I'm doing the Cap City Comedy Club in Austin. You ever do that? No. Oh! One of the best clubs ever. Little Esther's going on? Yeah. Little Esther's going on. God damn, it's one of the best clubs ever. God damn. This place is, in my opinion, the most exciting place to perform in the whole country. There's something about Austin, and this Cap City has been around forever. And there's so many cool motherfuckers in Austin. They get excited when cool people come to town. They love the arts in Austin. They do. They're just big supporters of the arts.

155:03They super appreciate good comedy, too, because Hicks had a big base in Austin. There's a lot of really good local comics in Austin. It's a lot of really smart artists there. Yeah, they have a scene, 6th Street and all that. They definitely have a kick-ass scene there. Do you do Cap City? You ever do that? No, I haven't done that. Oh, son. You've got to go there. I've got to, you know, locally, it's like, obviously, the store. Are you ever going to come back to the store, you think? No. You're a man of your word, I'll say. You've vowed you won it. I'm saying, sir. I'll say, fella. You're never coming back to Syros, huh? Listen, cocksucker, I've been there before. Been there, done that. Moving on. Sure. Get your shoes shined over there. It would be an affront. It would be a travesty. It would be, I could not do it. they did everything that does not stand for comedy they stood for everything that they should have

155:51been fighting against they embraced the hackery not just that the fact that i fucking work for those assholes for free my name was on the marquee every weekend i promoted on my myspace page just to keep that place you're the only reason i could leave my shirt not inside out like when i worked the booth there i was so fucking embarrassed about that lineup like you were the only saving grace and dare i even say eddie griffin if he's if he was in town it was some dark dark it was so There was a girl who would eat the matzo and the crumbs and there was the dingle. There was so many people there that didn't work anywhere else. And Mitzi gave them a fucking Friday, Saturday night spots in the prime. People would come up and be like, do you work here? I'd be like, no. Dude, we had Renazizi on. He said the exact same thing. It's so embarrassing. You're just like, please, Joe, put Joe on. I would lie to guys.

156:40Guys would come up and be like, am I on? Mitzi called and said, we've got to put Joe on now. you know it was just like it was just so bad and we would pay i would look people in the face and tell them what was it like 10 bucks at the time but i'd make them come in there and pay and they'd be like when's the comedy gonna start now i'll give them the credit it's young guys it's relevant people you got some upcoming guys yeah you know there's there's steve there's al there's there's you know steve burn there's a lot of re there's a lot of guys um spots who i i would say you're getting a good show and there's this new crop of guys too bobby lee and i were talking about this they don't quite mind their P's and Q's all the time. They don't understand the hierarchy there that you're not even allowed to look at me. You know what I mean? Because Bobby gets

157:20real bent out of shape about that. He's like, fuck the new guy. I fucking hate that fucking new guy. He fucking looked at me. Oh, get out of here. Does he really want to have a hierarchy? Is he serious? He's like, you guys are not allowed to fucking talk to me. And I was laughing at that because this guy is the nicest guy in the world that he's talking about. Everybody likes this new guy. Comics get like that, man. I had a lot of comics when I was coming up that had been around before that would give you advice and a song. Yeah, when you get to fucking get two years in the business, then tell me what you think's funny. Okay, kid? Right, right. Like, well, meanwhile, dude, you suck. How about that? How about you're never going to be funny? Yeah, that's the thing, too. I used to hate it. I remember when I started there, there was these, like, Frankie Pace was still hanging around. Oh, bitter.

157:58You want to talk about bitter. Bitter Frankie Pace face. Bitter. He was angry at everybody. Look at this guy. He's got a fucking deal. He's on TV. What about me? You know who's doing that now is Kravitz. He's always around. Steve Kravitz? I heard he took a long time off. He did. And then he started coming back to comedy recently. He's been coming back. And we were always friendly with each other. I still am friendly with him. But he's just a bitter, bitter guy. And that's a real bad thing in comedy. It's the worst. I've noticed, you know, I seldom shit on other comics because, one, I'm not watching them. And, two, I don't care. It's like the thing is, it's like the Carlos thing needed to be addressed. People shit on Dane Cook. He's never taken anything from me in my life. Dane is not a bad person. He's never taken anything from me in my life. But Dane did. He made some unfortunate choices.

158:38And he's a super ambitious guy. And he's a, you know. That's what I tell people. He's a powerful, motivated dude. It's no accident he is who he is. People will be like, I'll meet these guys, these young open muggers, like, screw Dean Cook. I'm like, I was here 10 years ago when that guy was still grinding. And I have never met a comedian who worked that hard. Do you have to like his comedy? No, I don't like it. But is he a comedian? Yeah, he's a fine comedian. The difference between him and Minstelia was so evident. It was a difference. I'm glad that was pointed out, too, because even when he was on your show, He was like, look, I am not him, and I do not deserve to be put into that. He doesn't. He does not deserve to be put into that category. No, not even remotely, not even close. What happened with Minstilium 2 was this crazy thing where he would go on in front of guys and do their material.

159:23Do you remember when he did that loco thing, and he went in front of Johnny Sanchez? Oh, yeah. He did his closing bit before he brought him up. And he would do that to people all the time. He would just gank shit and do it in front of you. And it was like an in-your-face, look what I just got away with thing. It was like some sort of like badass thing. Bully shit. Yeah, it's a very mindfuck thing. I remember Maren pointed it out. He said, like, you know, tell me about your first comedy experience. I went and bought a book of jokes, he said. And then I went and told him. Well, that Maren thing, that was the most disappointing thing. It was one of the reasons why. I mean, like I said, I don't hate Maren. He's a good guy. He's trying to do the right thing with his life. But he said about this Mencia thing that me and him on stage was two bullies arguing over bullshit. I'm like, man, you know, that's not fair.

160:05because I didn't want this to happen, and the only reason it happened in the first place was to get moron called me up on stage. He actually got on stage, took the microphone, and called me up on stage. Got on stage, took it from a guy who was on stage who I brought up. And so I was like, look, if you want to do this, I'll do this. Like, I'm not scared of you. Like, if you want to call me out in front of a room full of people that I just performed for, and you want to continue this, okay. If you have the microphone, okay. You don't deserve to have the microphone. You're not even supposed to be on stage. But if you want to do that, and you've just hijacked the show, I'll go up there, and we'll figure out where this goes. and that's what it was to me if it wasn't for brian and brian's editing skills i mean that would have never even hit the air i didn't even know he was in the room and it happened you know

160:41what's crazy is before that even happened he knew who i was and hated me because i had earlier made this other carlos mancia video that was like not successful at all but uh i had made this video and he i remember he walked past me stopped right next to me looked at me and chicken necked me and that was something like only bullies did in like like elementary school like when you go up to somebody and you like flinch your face right into their face like that was like a week he was so crazy he chest checked me i was on the way off the stage before he went on stage and took the microphone away from this guy he stood in front of me and like chest checked me i can't believe he and i was like the bitch are you are you crazy of course he hasn't and i was like i will i will end your life with my bare hands right here you know he started drinking did he yeah did you know Are you serious?

161:28He's like 40-something. He just started. Wow. I heard this on Marin's podcast. This is the reason why I can't go back to the store. They supported that guy. They embraced that guy. He can still go anytime he wants. They set the worst example ever for the art. And if there was one club who should be governing of that. It was a personal thing. It wasn't Mitzi's choice. Because I had spoke to Mitzi an hour before it happened. You were doing that on behalf of all the guys. He wasn't stealing from you. You were doing it on behalf of us. He wasn't stealing from me because I was so vocal about it. I knew it was coming. And he did steal from me a bunch of times on the road. I got calls from guys who opened for him all over the country. I get calls from guys who went to see him in Houston. He was doing my bits. He was. He was doing everybody's shit. It wasn't just what you saw on the DVDs.

162:16It was every fucking night he performed, he was doing people's shit. That exposed him that night. I can't believe I was there. Dude, it had to be done, right? I mean, it had to be done. But that's what pissed me off about what Maren said. It's two bullies arguing over bullshit. Look, man, I might be a loud dude, and I might be aggressive, and I might be overly aggro, but I'm not a bully. Yeah, you were championing us, our cause, that night. If you're a nice person, I'm going to be so nice to you. If you're a nice guy, I'm fucking for sure nice back. But if you're a dickhead to me, I'm going to be a bigger dick back. And with that guy, it wasn't even a matter of a bullying thing. It was like, we have a fucking criminal in our midst, and it's being supported by all the substructure. It's being supported by all the club managers.

162:57It's being supported by the agents who are profiting off this guy, running around, stealing people's shit. It's not like one guy, like a Robin Williams, who occasionally he'll blurt out someone's material. We're talking about a guy who's just straight ganking people. It was a totally different sort of a situation. If you weren't there all the time, like I was and you were, you wouldn't see how horrible it was. It was the worst atmosphere for creativity you could ever imagine, where everyone was worried. and we used to have to light the fucking light up when the dude walked into the room. You lit that light. Yeah, yeah. How many times did you light that light? Yeah, a lot. I knew when he was coming. He was working the fucking cover booth. Freddie was working the cover booth and when Mencia would come in, guys would need that light flashed for them to know that that guy was in the room.

163:40Know that Mencia was there. That is so dark. It's amazing when you can okay that with yourself to steal. It would make comedy really fucking easy. Well, it's more amazing that the clubs allowed it. Yeah, I know. It's not amazing that one person's crazy. Right. What's amazing is that these clubs go, we can make money off this crazy person. It's fucking – Not even just the clubs, but it's like it's all of us too. Somebody should have said something more about it. It took you to say something. But you know what? Everyone says it like, hey, you did it. You called him out. It was a total random moment. It didn't have to happen. It wasn't planned out. It was just he – what he did is he played on my ego. He's like, you don't have the balls. Get up here. I don't know if it was suicide by cop. I don't know what it was. It might have been because he had to know that this was going to end ugly. Right.

164:22What are you going to do? Are you going to intimidate me? What are you going to do? Are you going to be wrong? But he was so confident. This is how I knew he was crazy. When I went on stage, he was so confident. You know, what the fuck have I ever stole? When he was saying that to me, he was so confident. I was like, oh, my God, am I crazy? Did I make all this up? He's good at it. Am I a hater? Have my whole philosophy of him just been formed by my own jealousy? Right. So then I started naming bits. And then as I was naming bits, I just watched him fall apart. He sat down in the stool. His eyes were cracked. Like glass was shattering in his eyes. and seeing the sunlight coming in and killing the vampire. And then he sat down on the stool and then it became ugly. And then it became the audience turned on him and then at the end, the crazy thing was, after I got off stage, it was like a half an hour berating him

165:02and just exposing what he does and what's wrong with what he does and you're not an artist. You're a fucking minor bird and you repeat things that other people say and you do it and you take credit for their work. You don't even understand what comedy is. You don't even understand the fucking language because you never learned it because all you do is repeat what other people say. You're a person speaking a language you don't understand literally. The audience is going crazy. So this asshole is so nuts, he wants to perform after this. He went on, do you remember that? Yeah, I remember that. He tried to do comedy. He tried to do comedy. For like 10 minutes. It was out of hand. I actually have lost footage of that where people were going While he was doing a set, and he kept going, come on. And then when he walked out, it was like the end of Friday or something.

165:41Devo just got beat up, and everybody was getting their kicks. Like, fuck you, Carlos. Everybody did. And then when I got the boot, man, he came back around on everybody. Oh, yeah. I can't believe you did that to me, man. He pulled me and Renazisi aside. He's like, bro. Wow. I was like, what do you want? And then me and Steve asked him honestly. We're like, then tell us about this bit. Tell us about that bit. and just like with Marin, he has... They should have... The Comedy Shore should have... The Comedy Store should have... Comedy Shore. Hello, Freud. Hello, Freud. That's what it's going to be after Mitzi dies. Paul is going to rename it. What they should have done is they should have stepped in and even if they wanted to keep me banned because I was filming there and they don't want me filming, that's fine. But you've got to make sure you don't have him headlined the next weekend and you don't get on stage

166:24and say, this is my guy. I'm with Carlos, which is what he did. What they did was support the worst vampire in the business and let everybody feel helpless and let everybody know that even though you are successful and you do have things going on you can still get your life fucked with by somebody who's more successful right and you can see that there are people that really do try to sabotage your career if you expose someone for being a piece of shit and a thief and someone who's a direct in direct opposition of what this art form is supposed to be all about which is you creating and forming your own shit and bringing it out on stage and people appreciating your work yeah Did you ever talk after that? You were with Gersh at the time, weren't you? Yeah. I'm still friends with my agent at the time. I don't even want to mention his name because he's a good guy. He fucked up.

167:09And he got in a bad situation and they made him choose. The agency made him choose between Carlos and me. And they only had me for stand-up comedy. They had him for stand-up comedy and television and film. Yeah. And so they were making more money off of him than I was. And they wanted me to either apologize to him or they were going to have to let me go. Did you guys ever talk again? I ran into him. We were on a flight once and we sat next to each other. flying to... You and Mencia? No, no, no, no, no, no. My agent. No, that's what I meant. Mencia. Have you ever seen that? I got nothing to say to that, dude. It's a great movie. I got nothing to say to him. He knows everything he's going to say to me is not going to be real anyway. It's just going to be noise to try to make everything better, and that's not going to happen. He's going to just come over and try to groom me like the little

167:49beta monkey trying to pick little bugs off the alpha. He's going to come over and try to be nice to me, and I'm going to go, come on, man. While you're still doing this, I can't talk to you. Good luck with your life. Freddie motherfucking Lockhart you're a bad dude you're a kickass comedian you're a cool guy and I'm glad we finally got you on the podcast dude thanks for having me I fucking appreciate it thank you very much anytime more than welcome to come back man you were awesome you were a lot of fun thank you everybody for tuning in Cap City Comedy Club this weekend Thursday, Friday and Saturday for me and for Joey Diaz and for Little Esther and if you want to catch Freddie Lockhart he will be at the world famous comedy store this weekend Friday and Saturday night around 10 o'clock you can call find out what's up find out who the other lineup is see if you want to catch yourself some

168:32Al Madrigal, see if you want to see some John Caparulo lay it down there's a lot of good talent there and that's it, so we will see you this is the only one we're going to do this week because I've got to go to Austin, but I'll be back next Tuesday and we'll see you guys then hopefully with Bobby Lee, Bobby get back to me you fucking freak, everybody on Twitter, on Facebook, contact Bobby Lee, tell that motherfucker to get on the podcast, he's supposed to be doing it soon and that'll be a lot of fun. Thank you very much. Brian Reichel, redband.com for running shit in the background and making sure the sound is in order and as always, oh, thanks to the Fleshlight for sponsoring this podcast. Fleshlight.com. Fleshlight.com and if you go to jorogan.net there is a link. You can click that and enter in the code ROGAN. You get 15% off, bitches. You get your freak on on the crazy fake pussy. Ho! Thanks for tuning in.

169:23See you next week. I love you, bitches. later.