John Heffron, Ari Shaffir (Part 2)

00:00And then he realized that his friends were telling Ustream just stopped our recording for some reason. Alright. Man, probably. The fucking man. Okay, now it's back on it. The man, ladies and gentlemen. Refresh your browsers, people. The man, apparently, was just fucking our ass. That's crazy. Like, it just went off air, and then everything came back on by itself. Yeah, he took it with his friends because he wanted to be a downer because they were all taking it. Yeah, this is you told the story. And he would smoke. He was like, fuck it. But he didn't feel anything. So he was like, all right. But then he didn't want to be the one left out. So he was like, fuck it. I'll smoke with you guys. He would pass it. And he was like, taste some. And then he realized. He could, for the first time in years and years, he could actually sit there with those legs and arms cramping up.

00:41What about Sean Rouse? Maybe it could help him. I don't know. No way that guy does not smoke pot. No. Doug doesn't. Doug doesn't smoke weed. You would think that Doug would smoke weed. Stanhope does not like weed. Really? Yeah. He's done. I've done mushrooms with Stanhope. we did DMT instead of not we he'll go to other dimensions why does he do pot it is like pot makes him paranoid I understand that there's negative side effects of everything for everybody well I think the paranoia that pot gives you is really it's almost like the opposite of alcohol because alcohol makes you look through a tube alcohol you're like looking at the world through a yeah woo tube you're not seeing but marijuana is the opposite marijuana like releases your blinders I see it in front of me Brian It went off from back home for a second. It blipped. Did it? Yeah.

01:30Just so you guys know, it's not me fucking it up. Ustream's just fucking up right now. If you can't see Redman, he's actually sticking his cock into the computer trying to fuck it. You can't blame Brian, ladies and gentlemen. Don't be mean. This is difficult to figure all this stupid shit out. Ultimately, I would love to have this on my website, on JoeRogan.net, but right now, I don't think the technology's available. It's not quite ready. But this is, ideally, the best way to do a show. You know, this is way more fun than doing some show that's on television that nobody gives a shit about. You know, I mean, we can do whatever the fuck we want. You don't have to look at it. I don't want anything from you. You know, no one's getting paid. Yeah, right, right. Just for fun, you know. And you have interesting people over and you talk. Right? I mean, like, how many times have you done...

02:14What's the matter, Brian? I'm just... They're all blaming me, so I'm going to keep my hands up. Who didn't do anything? Yeah, Brian. He real did. I ran Brian on this and the Conan situation. How many times have you done a talk show and you prepare for it, it's a big deal, and then you sit down and you talk to someone for seven minutes, and you're like, I didn't even say anything. Yeah. When did we get to talk about anything? I mean, I had a few topics that kind of got out of the way a little bit, but barely said anything. And then... And every one of those shows are set up for that reason, that it's just nothing. You just leave there going, that was nothing. I didn't say anything. I didn't even... And then everybody goes, that was a great appearance. And you go, oh, thank you. I said two words. Thank you. It's like if you're on a Chelsea Handler show. Yeah. those guys on there say like

02:55four or five words and then you're done and then they're done yeah it's real weird and then people go oh you were great on the show but that's what they want they want a short attention span bing bang see this guy real quick but I mean but that's the if you want to go for like if you want to go for like the average you know just a shot in the dark with people that's what you should give them you should give them the shortest quickest little things as fast as you can so they don't lose interest but at the end of the day do you want the people that lose interest that easy to pay attention to you? You don't. You have to get them because you're doing a numbers game. But then again, how many times have you seen a YouTube clip and you start to open it up and you see nine and a half minutes and you're like, fuck it. I don't even want to start. We're all those people.

03:38Yeah, but a YouTube clip is totally different than something like this. This is cool because you can throw this on at work and you're doing some boring fucking thing at work. You can throw this on and watch it while you do and just enjoy a bunch of people hanging around talking. I like doing that. I like watching fucking Soldier Boy. You know who Soldier Boy is? I like watching him. You know why I like watching him? Because he's having a good time. I like watching that girl on the train. Did you see that video? The girl on the train harshly singing Soldier Boy at some old lady. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All black people. That has nothing to do with the story, but they all happen to be black. Did you see that? That was the greatest video. And then somebody put the subtitles to understand what you're saying. It was so crazy. I like watching that kid. You know why?

04:25Because he's like 19 years old. He's worth some fucking insane amount of money. He's got diamonds all over his body. He's tattooed himself. Tattooed his fucking face. Tattooed his neck, his arms, his chest, everything. And every video that I watch, he's talking shit, dancing, and freestyle rapping, talking about haters, talking about all the girls he's fucking, talking about how much money he has, and how pretty he is. I enjoy the fuck out of it. I really do. To me, it's entertaining as shit, man. I wish there was some type of program that would follow your brain so you can look at everything you searched in one evening. Oh, that's next, dude. That's going to be the next Twitter. The next Twitter is you're going to be able to show people what you're thinking and watching. Yeah, well, you could search. Well, I somehow went from... I started looking up fights or something on YouTube

05:14and then I found the fight scene from the movie Bodyguard from way back in the 80s. Somehow my brain got from there to where I was watching a Riding Dirty, the song, all cut to Star Trek, Wrath of Khan. So it was all clips. So Khan was Riding Dirty. And I don't know how my brain even, how did I even get there? You're right. I love to see the progression. How you took it back. Oh, I'm going to watch this clip from something, Conan said something funny in Leno. And then you clip that and the next thing you know I'm on Soldier Boy. And you had a wonderful time though. I go on YouTube rides and I go on porn rides. too, where, you know, you're going to start out normal, and next thing you know, it's big dicks and Asians blowjobs. You get real specific. Yeah, yeah, and then you're typing stuff. That's what, it's wrecked my porn. That's your first video you watched that night.

06:01It's just a girl with big tits blowing somebody. Yeah. That's kind of hot. And then how did I get to, the next one, the girls that work at Kinko's, that. Horrifying ex-fucking. Yeah. That's really kind of one of the craziest things about porn on the internet. Like, you can just, anybody from their computer directly goes to it. There's no stopping it. You can go right to a dick going in an asshole. Yeah. You don't have to pay. No. You don't have to subscribe. I think that's what desensitizes people to it so much in the last few years. Well, they say girls are taking in the ass all the time now. Well, I saw on one of the porn sites, they had like a comments section underneath the thing. So, where people are complaining about, oh, that girl looks beat on that girl. And maybe because I'm older, like, whatever happened just being excited, you're seeing porn. now we're so desensitized

06:47I'm going to judge that chick nah she's not everybody always judges chicks these are professional hot chicks oh my god they're having sex we can see it now I'm going to judge even back in the 80's I had my favorites yeah yeah Misty Rain I can't do professional porn anymore I have to have it amateur I have to have it on a cell phone I have to have it fake If I see a flashbulb go off in the room I'm like, fuck this I need to know It simulates you You're feeling like this is really Two people that like each other Or just are having real sex I mean, look at these porn The chick's just looking at her watch There's a porn site For people who like each other Her pussy's just numb Her pussy's just beat the fuck up There's a whole Old genre of porn that people like each other and it's not all, oh yeah, yeah, we like that. It's a little bit, and the girls are hot. I don't want girls to be fucked.

07:51I just want to know that they're getting fucked. Are you a voyeur, Brian? What? Generally? Are you like a voyeur? No, not really. I just want to know like it's real. Yeah, it's going on. It's amazing how many girls are getting spit on and slapped in the face. It gets, there's a lot of that, man. I love it. You like that? You do? I like doing it. I don't like watching it. Yeah, I don't like that. I found her in San Diego I didn't expect to love it but I fucking loved it tell the story please she was like hit me I was like come hit me and I was like alright and by the end I was fucking boom with a follow through on the backhand like hard and she was into it it was so fucking awesome I'm glad you heard her face fuck that she took it I don't know she didn't bleed didn't open her up oh my god I wouldn't even be paranoid that the girl would then go oh thanks yeah this guy just

08:37knocked me around and you gotta think of a chick so crazy she wants you to beat her up she can easily go to the police. Yeah, and then what are you going to say? She wanted... I'm like, also you should look at her ass because that is fucking red. Rape is a horrible, terrible thing. But so is pretending you've been raped. I mean, how many people have heard stories about a girl gets mad at a guy and just decides to tell people that he raped her? I had a friend who worked. He played for the Detroit Lions when I was in Detroit, and that happened to him. It was with two girls back at his place. Super nice guy. the one girl jokingly said you know what we could do is we could say that you raped us but how much money would we get and they were like she said it as a joke so immediately said let's go knocked on his neighbor's door and said hey whatever meet my two friends

09:25so he'd have one other person to see their condition when they left so they couldn't then make up this story then I had another kind of famous friend he would every time he'd hook up with a girl in a room he was like way famous he'd go to the front desk girl he'd walk out there girl whoever's there he would stop so that girl would talk to that person so there's one other person that see she didn't run out all disheveled like what just happened to me just as a backup because you honestly just want to go to bed and be like see you later right yeah but you don't know what that girl so you know I think you know to a lot I mean to a lot of people people that are like famous like some famous rock star or something like that that person is like they're it's so unfair their situation. It's so unfair how much more they have. How much more money. How much better their life is.

10:12It's so unfair that people feel like you owe them something. Like you got an unfair amount. So they'll try to take from you. There's a lot of people that don't even feel bad about fake lawsuits. They don't even feel bad. They're like, oh, the rich. Have the rich, man. Fuck the rich. How'd you make that money? Someone got fucked over. I'm a proxy. He's the worst at that, man. Or he just run over my foot. Did you see that thing the other day? And they played back the video and he didn't even get hit by the car. And he was just trying to hit. Hey, couldn't the paparazzis, man? I always think of some kind of thing where you hit one button and you zap all the electronic computers that are around you. They have this spray. They have this spray. You know what? The paparazzis, it's the same thing. They're just a bunch of people that are making a living doing something negative.

10:56And they don't need to do that. They can do something else. But it's also sort of negative. because a lot of times they call those people and say, I'll be at the Ivy. Absolutely. Come meet me out front. Right, and go after them. There's a lot of people that like it, but when you're like chasing someone and someone's all upset with you like they got their kids or something, like Dr. Drew. By the way, we were talking about Dr. Drew. I think his stance on pot is retarded, but he's a really nice guy. I've done a show, the Loveline show, and I've met him a bunch of times. He's a really cool guy, and he told me that he was in Hawaii and the fucking paparazzi were taking pictures of his kids. Him and his kids. Just in case it was worth something. Well, it was worth something. They make money, man. If you get a juicy picture, you can make some mad loot.

11:36How about that picture of John Travolta kissing that dude? Somebody got paid for that. How bad was he kissing that? I saw one of the lips. I saw one of the lips. When you freeze frame a kiss, it'll never look like a casual pet. It's awesome. I love how John Travolta rocks a fabulous wig. Yeah, man. In some pictures, he's balding. and now the 50s has got the best head of hair ever. It's awesome. At TMZ, I saw one of the guys who works on TMZ, one of the guys said, we saw so-and-so at the airport and I wanted to go up to him so bad with the camera and just stick it in his face and ask some dumb questions and I probably could have sold that back to TMZ. That's one of the things I wanted to do as a sketch. Just do it. Just go fucking or can the guy that does TMZ, can he handle that 15-minute show without taking a drink of water? Because he has like a sippy cup that he just There's no way

12:24that's water. Water's so dumb. Because those guys are making fun of people that are on TV, yet every one of them wants to be so famous and is enjoying all the fame they're getting from being on the show. But that's legitimate, too, because some people like the way they're bitchy. Like, they wish they could be that bitchy, and they like watching them. It's like a form of entertainment. It's a lot about the Chelsea Handler show, too. Yeah. What shit on people we wish we could work with. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. But you know what? There's a place for that, too. It's the same thing as rich people that get upset at poor people. It's like people who are not famous, they're like, fuck him, go after Tiger Woods, go find him. He's got a billion dollars, fuck him. Some woman actually said this on the Jimmy Kimmel show.

13:06She was running a website where people could find people's houses. No, no, no. You would say where the celebrity is at any given moment. And Jimmy Kimmel was like, don't you understand that there's stalkers and this could be dangerous? and she goes, well, I'm sure that they sleep well on all their money. Like, on a bed full of money. And it's like, really? Like, that's how you look at it? Like, you're willing to put people, yeah, put people, like, especially young girls, like, you know how some dudes get fucking really nutty about young girls? Like, they get crazy. Like, that one girl that got shot, it was like, when I first came to Hollywood, some girl got shot. It was on a teen show. Yeah. People don't know how, how, how, black hair. She's really pretty. Yeah. She was like a childhood, not childhood star, but like... 22-year-old star.

13:53She'd become famous when she was young, and some dude just got obsessed with her, found out where she lived. She opened the door and shot her in the chest. Wow. People don't understand how scary stalkers are. When I used to do radio in Detroit, this girl would send me 15, 16-page letters, not one piece of white left on the paper. So it was written sideways anyway about, I had fun going out with you, looking for houses, shit that never happened, you know? Right. I heard about your secret messages, da-da-da. And then she went away, and then she came back. And every time I'd be in Detroit, she would leave these letters when your wife's gone, and it's just us. You know, crazy stuff. So I went to go get a restraining order against her because she was showing up at my shows and would find out where I would be. And the judge wouldn't. Did you fuck her? No, no, no. Good gosh, no. But it was.

14:42Love time? Nothing, nothing, nothing. I think Greg was like, oh, well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, totally. I just wanted to know. No, no. I was just trying to think how far back was this? Yeah, yeah. How many years ago was this? It was, it's been about 10, 15 years. And the guy wouldn't, the judge would not get back? What, he wanted to hear her side of the story. Now, I had a stack of papers this big of her saying, she came to the radio station I worked at with some of my stuff. She goes, John left this. It was an empty can of tuna fish. Whoa. Junk mail and baby shoes. Whoa. So she got to your house? Well, no, this was from her place, I guess. And then I had stacks of letters saying, I hear the secret messages that you're giving me. I will respond to them. When you say this, it means this. But when you go to his file a restraining order, the judge, you get less than a paragraph

15:31to write why. You don't get to hand in any of the psycho stuff. And then he saw that and then the guy who did it for me goes, he's a dude. He probably thinks you're a pussy that you can't handle... The judge? No. Because I'm a guy and I have this girl stalker. The judge thinks that. Yeah, it's like, you're a pussy. You're a guy. Handle the girl. Don't bring us involved. It was his attitude. So I couldn't find it. That was the judge's attitude? That's what the guy at the court said. That was before that chick got murdered. No, this. I tried doing this a couple years ago. But it doesn't... A year ago. But it doesn't apply to California. So I go through all this work, get it done in Michigan, they come out to California doesn't mean anything you gotta re-file one in California she flies to Texas to see you doesn't matter now you have to file one in Texas really? so I couldn't imagine

16:22let's not put this information on the internet yeah yeah hey you know Brittany Murphy the actress just died yeah her mom and her husband has been doing a tour to all the talk shows and I got to catch it today on the Today Show yeah it's how fucked up your daughter just died and they're fucking they're just sitting there for no reason, not promoting anything. We're not trying to do anything. I've seen them on four different talk shows in the last week. It's weird, but they do it for money, and they do it just to the people's attention or whatever, or say something about their daughter. We have Brittany Murphy's mom, and Brittany Murphy's mom is sitting there, and she knows the camera's on, and she goes, and it was a big rough. She's not crying randomly. No, no, no. You find it on YouTube, or Hulu, or whatever, and it is disturbing to watch. It was so

17:13gross and the husband was so... What was the accusation? What is the... Isn't there a current gossip about it? The worst thing is it was drugs, but then he said... Diabetes or something like that was also involved. This should happen when she was young. I don't think it was a weird situation at all. Really? It just came up. She's showering. They're talking about heroin and all that jazz. They still don't know yet, but that's kind of weird that they still... Well, isn't it kind of weird... But isn't it kind of weird that the husband did want an autopsy? Yes. I think that's very fucking weird. Man, if a 30-year-old person dies, you want to know what the fuck happened? They're not Jewish, are they? He doesn't look Jewish. Why? It's against religion. It's against religion. Yeah, but you also you bait him. That's the fuck. What? What happens if you murder a Jew, though? That's fucking crazy.

18:02That makes it easy to murder you guys. No, no, no, no. Shit. No, no, no, no. You're misunderstanding. You accidentally haven't thought this out. We're not. We can get them on our bodies. We can get them on your bodies. Yeah, but you. You're dead. But if I just poison you, the cops can't give you an autopsy. Because we just poisoned that, but now they're not going to know. What's all those... What's the marks around his neck? Suicide. He weird naked choked himself to death. Yeah, it was... Shucked him last to the back of the head. That's the story. I'm sticking to it. Yeah, no autopsies. I think there are certain situations where they say if they're afraid it might be like a congenitive, is that a word, heart disease? Yeah. Where like the kids should know if they should get treated for it. Congenital, I think. Then they'll allow it. Congenital or congenitive? I don't know.

18:50But they still allow it. They'll allow it for that, but not just randomly to figure out what the cause of death is. They're like, he's dead. Yeah, but anytime a young actress dies and there's medication around and there's a lot of money involved, they will automatically do it, no matter what. Yeah, why? Whenever somebody says don't, yeah, or everyone answers your questions. Yeah, and they'll be like, eh, don't waste the money. People are like, come on, this is depressing. Change the topic. Hey, do you guys like cats? What do you think about Oprah? She's so generous. Yeah. No, paparazzi don't give a shit about me. Somebody asked me if the paparazzi chased me. They would make zero dollars off my pictures. There's no benefit in taking pictures of me. You have to stay just under that level of fame. You have to stay in the level of fame where nobody gives a fuck. so you can still work

19:36and you don't have to worry about your bills and you can go out to dinner but you don't want to don't get crazy the best I was with Renazisi at the Vince Vaughn Wild West Comedy Tour like premiere and then there's a party like across the street at some hip club whatever in Hollywood and so we leave and all the popular are out there waiting for Vince Vaughn and Justin Long and stuff and Renazisi is like beat it you degenerates you're a fucking piece of shit you know he's like giving it to them and they were like hey the guy from Punks and he goes oh hey yeah that's me everybody how are ya Oh, no. He cracked. That's funny. That's hilarious. Yeah, you know, you can't go to places like... You know who's the best at staying out of that shit? In controversial life, if you consider him, Mark Wahlberg. That guy's never in the tabloids. He's a giant movie star.

20:23He stars in gigantic blockbuster movies, and yet he's never in the tabloids. That's amazing. You know who else, and he never even does interviews, is Nicholson. Yeah. He's just away from everything. Well, they would always catch him doing something creepy. Like a shirt off at some beach or something. Yeah, looking like he's bloated and fucking weird. He's still in the 70s rocking it with 20-year-old chicks. That's awesome. It's really crazy. Nicholson, they did some interview with him real recently where he was talking about the different dates he goes on. And one night he'll go out with a woman that's in her 60s, and the next night it's a girl who's in her 20s. Yeah. You know? I mean, just, you know, he was talking about it sexually. He was talking about friends. You know, his acquaintances. That he has a very varied life. But, you know, you've got to appreciate that.

21:14Dude's getting 20-year-olds and he's fucking 70. That's how badass he is. That's pretty crazy, right? He's defying nature with his fame. With his ability to pretend. It overcomes the natural order of things. His ability to pretend and his money have defied. He should be done. In a natural world. He's done with sex. That's not... Maybe he's a companion his age. Especially if there was no Viagra. I mean, if there was no Viagra, that would take a lot of dudes out of the game. It would take a lot of dudes out of the game. A lot of old rich dudes would be like, what's the fucking point? But right now, they can... Brian Holtzman had to joke about that. He goes, no, I like that. Because now, these young whores have to fuck these old men. And he goes, and that sperm is like paint that's been in their basement for like a year. You know that paintwork? It's not a fresh product,

22:06ladies and gentlemen. He's hilarious. It's not quite color. It's not color you picked out in your body. Yeah, that's it. Yeah, that's it. He's one of those dudes. There's a few dudes that over the course of doing stand-up comedy that I've always gone, how the fuck would that guy not make it? He's one of them, right? Yeah. He's so good. So funny. Brian Holtzman, if you're ever at the Comedy Store in L.A., that's where Brian works out. If you call the Comedy Store, call the Comedy Store and ask when Brian Holtzman's going to be up. Especially if something goes down in the news. Like, I guarantee you, he's got some fucked up five minutes on Haiti right now. You know, if you don't want to laugh at him, you're like, oh no. But you'll laugh at it anyway. I had always heard about, he did this thing on O.J. But it was like, amazing. He only did it one time. He tried to do it again

22:58and it wasn't quite as good. Just an awesome set about that. And then 9-11 happened and Mitzi wouldn't put him on because we were closed. I guess it happened Tuesday. We were closed Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. And then we opened up Friday, Saturday. And she knew that he would get up and talk about it. So she made the talent coordinator call him and say, listen, we can't put you on. I'm sorry, but it's just... He's one of those guys that would take the opinion most fucked up by default. he would automatically like go after the victims and you know what did you do wrong why were you in that building yeah what were you doing who were you fucking in the ass in that building it's just like his take on it would be so fucked up he went on on Sunday though because it was open like it was open night and he did about 50 to 55 minutes and it was maybe one of the best that's I've ever seen

23:47Stan Hope was there watching and Stan Hope said I disagree with 95% of this but it's so fucking god damn good because he's so crazy his stance was fuck the cops. He goes, well, they're not heroes now. Why? Because they did the job one time. He goes, if I was one of the people jumping out of the building, I'd wait until a fucking cop was below me so I could take him out too. This was on 9-15, you know, when everyone's like, what did the crowds do when you see this guy? I don't remember. Oh, I can read that. You remember when that chick drowned her kids? Yeah. Yeah. Holtzman goes on stage like three days after this chick drowns her kids. He goes, ladies and gentlemen, I heard those were bad kids. I heard they never put their blocks away. They sat that close to the TV. They're always spilling their fucking milk. Those kids will not be missed. And I went, oh my god.

24:30People all are like too sad. I heard they were bad kids. That's one of the most brutal and funny jokes. It's weird that people's brains in comedy is geared to, like, in my brain, just, you know, it's weird how you fall into whatever style of comedy. Like, I would never even think about it. To go that way. Yeah. Well, his whole thinking on things. But meanwhile, he's really friendly. Like, if you talk to him, like, off stage like he's not a dark guy at all he's very nice he used to always go get me a coke when I was working in the cover booth like that dude he was on a coke old classic from the back and I was like thanks man and he would go back get it and bring it back I miss that dude he's at the factory sometimes too is he? yeah I gotta see him sometime I gotta find out when he's playing and go perform again he was always so cool so nice he's at the factory sometimes

25:14he was always such a nice guy there was one time when I got banned where Pauly banned me for like a weekend and Holtzman was so nice about it. What did he say about it? Paulie banned me for a weekend because I got mad at him. Because you got mad at him? Yeah. Him and Dean tried to corner me about something and I told him he was a fucking idiot and that he doesn't appreciate the comedians that I'm not working for him. It's right after the Minding the Store came out. It was like he all of a sudden was running the comedy store. It was all of a sudden it wasn't like just a TV show anymore. Now, because the comedy store we've always done for free. You know, I always, not only did I work there for free, but I donated all that. When they were giving me checks, they gave me like thousands of dollars worth of checks and I never cashed them because I always knew that they were hurting for cash.

26:05So, when it came time to do their taxes, I had to donate all that money back to them. Yeah. And I paid for the sound system. I mean, I treated that place like it was our place. You know, it was a place for comics to work at. The mics were cutting out and that sound, the sound was like crackly and Rogan bought, He's like, fuck it. We've got to fix this. I got top of the line shit. I went and got the top of the line CD recorder so dudes could make CDs. And I put it all in there out of my own money. Just for love of the club. And then all of a sudden, Paulie's running it. I'm like, man, I ain't working for free for you. I'll do it all for your mom, but for you? No. Huge battle now about who gets the store. I think he won. I think Paulie won. I think his brother gave up. That's what I heard. Oh, his brother was... Out of all the years I've lived here, I think I've been in there one time.

26:52Really? Wow, that's so great. I've been in that bar area just hanging. I went with some comic, but I don't think I've ever been on stage there. Kyle Seager walked by yesterday, and he was like, I think I've been here four times in two years. I've never... It's so crazy not to go there. My whole career has never really been performing in Los Angeles. That's what he was like. Yeah, but you've done sets of improv. I've seen you at the improv. Yeah, the improv, and then I think I'm banned from the Laugh Factory. What'd you do? We were talking about guns, and the dude owns it. It's a real pacifist. Jamie banned you for talking about guns? Yeah, I was on for the next week, and then I got called and said no. You got called? They didn't just knock me to the spot? No, I called whoever, like, so tomorrow we're so good? Yeah, no, I got asked. Because you talk about guns. Not on stage.

27:38It was off-stage conversation. Oh, so he decided. And then he was like, what, you have guns? That means you want to kill people. I'm like, no, I enjoy it. Bobby, you have guns? Yeah, I enjoy shooting them, but if they came in my house, then I'd kill them. Listen, Jamie, quit worrying about what comics have in their house and worry more about introducing little kids to Michael Jackson. Oh. Constantly. It's like that's a way bigger problem than fucking having a locked gun in his house. He's not joking around. He's not joking around. Jamie was introducing these children that are on the Make-A-Wish Foundation, right? Was it Make-A-Wish or something like that? Yeah, something like that. Kids that were sick, he was introducing them to Michael Jackson. You say introducing, I say pimping. What's the difference? Buddy. Buddy, he's not pimping. He's a genius, buddy.

28:22He does not want to fuck the ass. I don't think that Michael Jackson fucked those kids. Because I think, where are all the bodies? There would be not just one kid he fucked. He'd be fucking hundreds of kids. I think he probably fucked eight to ten. I don't think he did. I think it's much more likely. We talked about this before, right? Yeah. I think it's much more likely that he's just completely fucked up and was molested when he was a kid and abused and he grew up in the public eye and he grew up as a baby and like being famous and it's just he wanted to go back to a drug user and just kind of had I believe in the power of huge rumors and I think it's usually true what about the trouble in the ass do you believe that one? I'm going to just because of that theory what about everybody says points to someone they're gay Kiss killed Mikey from Life's Hero because he saw him

29:13without his makeup. Not little rumors that people are like, what if? If Tiger got his name because of his... That's some retard that lives down the block from you made that one up. That rumor didn't even leave your fucking name. But the Richard Gere Gerber rumor, that rumor traveled the whole country. That's a crazy rumor. Kurt Metzger told me he asked whatever kind of doctor that is. He goes, there's never been any recorded documentation of any animal up someone's butt. But you know something you heard of that rumor. You can go to the internet You can see eels coming out of girls' assholes. Just because... That shit happens every day. How do you even say that? That's what he said. That guy's an idiot. That guy's either an idiot or he's still on AOL. Sorry, sir. He's a prodigy. He's going through Net Nanny. Like, dude, you're missing the good sites, son.

30:01You ain't never seen the eels come out of that girl's butthole? That was really weird. I just kept coming at her. I kept saying it was the same one. The butthole and pussy. Octopuses up their assholes. yeah man there's some shit going into people's bodies if you can think of it did you see the video of the dude who has been shooting silicone into his dick for six years did you see that no but how delicious does his dick look his dick looks like some dude on twitter I don't remember your name I apologize but some dude on twitter said it looked like a shaved dead rabbit and it does you gotta see it I'll throw the link up for you guys and I will watch it right now, but I'll throw the link up so that you guys can see it too. On Tosh 2.0, it's a show on E! where they talk about internet videos. They played it and they couldn't show their video, so they just showed the audience's

30:52reaction. So they're all just sitting there, so all of them just bawl faces. That's funny. I can't find it. It must have been from a couple days ago. I tweet too much. We're on two hours right now. Joe just, you know. So what, man? We're having a party here. We're not really on two hours. We didn't start on time. It's only four o'clock right now, Brian. You fucking faker. You're saying it like you counted the time. We're on two hours, 15 minutes. I just looked at four or five and was like, eh, it's about two hours. You took a wild shot. Sorry, I wasn't completely accurate with the minutes. Shut up! Okay, I'm trying to find this dead rabbit. How's Tonka, Brian? I renamed him. It's Techie now. Techie? You renamed him? You can't call your cat that. It was Tommy one day, and then I... Who's this? His new cat? Yeah, I agree with Ari. That's what I think. Names believe things.

31:48I think that it does. In mysticism, they always say, I don't believe in it, but that's what they always say. You don't fuck with someone's name. Yeah. Unless God comes down. It was one day, he was named Tonka. So, whatever. You don't want to change the name of your cat. The cat has already destroyed a keyboard. Why? A Logitech keyboard. He hates anything technology. He knows what's happening. Technology. He hates a caveman. I hate technology. He went up to my keyboard. I started using my keyboard. He ran in. What's that noise? He jumps up and just starts taking his claws and ripping keys off. Really? I'm like, ah. If I use my camera, if I turn on the camera, he sees the camera from across the room, charges me, and tries to grab the camera. I have videos of him doing this. Are you considering giving it back to the adoption agency? He's a kitten. Yeah. That's what they do.

32:30Well, to reincarnation, maybe that person was just like... Killed by technology. Yeah. Technology killed him. so he's like this is a plot of Ghost Dad 2 maybe this cat is made out of technology nice normal guy haircut today Brian by the way this is the most normal dude I've ever seen your hair out of the show alright here's the I just put it up online I just put it up online so you guys I twittered it the address of the dude who is injecting silicone into his dick for six years and we're gonna watch it right now because it is that fucked up It is something that you need. I just clicked on it right now, so it's loading up right now. Check this shit out. What's that music? What's the music? Post-pulse. Can you have something else? Can you have something else? Post-pulse. Yeah, that's it. iTunes. Damn, that's some gay-ass music. Yeah, iTunes. We're at the back of the website.

33:31It's on the website, son. We're getting feedback on the noise, too. What the fuck could that be? YouTube, right there. Man. Facebook? It's the worst when you have 27, like, tabs open up and you're like, That's so fucking annoying! What is that? You have to find it. Oh, I've been doing one of these things. That's the guy's balls. That's so fucking annoying! What is that? Okay, let's see it here. here we go. Oh, damn! What is that? Oh, look at that. This is the whole last one. This is the underwear I'm wearing. I've got a little invention. So that's all that. Seriously, why would you want... Look at this. Do you like to hold it? Why would you want... I'm going to let it back it up. Hold on. Oh my God. What's this? No. Would you like to name it though? It's cocky. I got it. Oh, it's real cocky. It's funny. Look at this. I can't watch. Look at that. Oh my God. Oh my God. I can't watch.

34:29Look at that. Oh my God. He's been injecting silicone into his dick for six years. Can it get hard? No. Is that all head on top? Is that all head? Look at it. So that's all that is. Do you like to hold it? Would you like to put that on? Look at him. That's weird. That's a weird laugh. Yeah, yeah. How weird could it be? He's injecting silicone into his fucking dick for six years. How normal was I expecting? I mean, look at that. That's insane. I can't watch. We can have a conversation. You hear what this is saying? Six years, he's unable to have sex. Sometimes I see a really young guy and I think, I'd like to fuck his ass. Oh, he's good. Oh, he's great? Listen, listen. The pleasure, the adventure, the experience that I've gotten from this, way, way, way better than the, whatever, 15 minutes of pleasure that I would get. What has he got in experience?

35:31Just people seeing his balls and his dick. I could no longer stand up to pee because it would just kind of go everywhere. It was difficult to control. And so I started to learn, okay, I have to sit down. But you know what? I'll tell you about some other adjustments in a second. All these adjustments, they just add to the excitement for me because it's just another reminder and it's part of the odyssey of all of this. so I was sitting down to pee for a long time well then the size got to be that when I would sit down I'd get wet it would get dunked into the water in a lot of toilets including my own here and so I would sort of squat over the ball you know I think that just the fact that people look at me and either wonder what's going on what is that the basic questions that people ask can you still have an orgasm things like that I'm getting people to think

36:32and I'm challenging their ideas of what a penis should look like what a penis should function and so but yours is the only penis that does that I am challenging he's giving you a challenge already you're challenging your brain man You're not thinking. You threw down the gauntlet, bitch. This is the crazy thing. When he pulls it out. No. Would you like to name it, though? I mean, this guy's so happy to be pulling out his dick. Look at this. Touching. It's beautiful. Look at that. It's not even pornographic. Doesn't even really look like a penis in any way. It really looks like a basketball. The underwear I'm wearing. He's challenging. He's challenging your perceptions, all right? What the fuck, huh? Let's go fuck a horse. I'm getting tired. How nutty is that dude? There's other ways you can challenge people to think. Yeah. Maybe, you know. What is that?

37:32When dudes, like, tattoo their dicks and put barbells through them. What's going on there? They just... I think presentation. Presentation. Presentation. Like a silver platter with a cock with a spur through it. But it still works, and there's plenty of girls that are into that. Is there? Ladies, let's take a little Twitter poll. How many girls are really into dudes with tattoos and barbells on their dick? Same shit with girls that put that barbell in their vaginas. Do you like that? And if you say yes, how smelly is your pussy? It makes me sad. The barbell in the pussy makes me sad. I don't really like it, but I'm not bad against it. Is there a single girl that ever has gotten a barbell in the pussy that's not a slut? Nothing's anything wrong with sluts. I don't say slut in any negative way. I mean a girl that's down to party. I'll say that instead.

38:21I mean, there's no prudes that get their clits pierced. No. You get your clit pierced. You're sending a fucking very clear message. Yeah. Because you can't ever say, I don't really do this. And the guy would go, well, you have a license plate. Yeah, you clearly do. You have a license plate? Yeah. You have a... That right there says you're in there. You do. You feel like your vagina will be so public that you will adorn it. Yeah, that you need to dress it up a little bit. Apparently someone's saying that's from a documentary on dicks. This guy with the fucked up dick. It's from a documentary. That'd be a good one to watch. Take Viagra and try to not get an erection the entire time you watch that documentary. Because every time it moves, they're like, no, no, and just punch itself. Yeah, that would be funny if you gave guys... Yeah, there's something there.

39:06If you gave guys a really high dose of Viagra and then you made them watch gay porn... You would have to get bonus. There's no way you would. You had girls touching them. There weren't a lot of socket. No, no. Dudes massaging your back. Oh! That would be way better. Guys massaging your back. They give you Viagra and ecstasy. Let me see if you get art. Yeah, you can't. The first guy there. You would definitely get art. No question. Oh, so sad. Challenge match. Yeah. Yeah, that would be a funny... I mean, we take that... Oh, just find somebody who's really... There's no way them gays are going to get married. I don't want that, you know, those that's not right. Okay. Slip Viagra. Yeah, just take one. to have some guy just blowing in your ear and see what happens. Just have some really soft boy who smells pretty rubbing your back. Slow and passionate. He just watched it. After a long day.

39:59Well, what's going on over here? He's got oils and a feminine voice. Like, is that it? Do you like that? Yeah. Just enough so he's submissive and feminine enough so the dude's dick just starts getting hard. No! I'm pretty boy. I'm pretty. That's hilarious. Just whispering. And, you know, truck drivers, they always have sore backs. like oh yeah right there you got it oh is that it right there okay we'll fix you up we'll fix you up no worries I heard bobby kelly talking about this on tuesday but like why that isn't even an insult why faggots you're not bad you're like they've never done anything to me why is that like you're no I'm not I'll fight you to prove that I'm not a day it was like what what is the difference but like yeah if you get a little thing when some guy's touching you it's like whatever

40:41who cares I don't like when dudes touch me because if dudes are thinking about fucking me I know how I am when I think about fucking girls and I don't want anybody thinking about me like that. You know, if you want to fuck somebody, you're like, you're into them. You're going after them. Yeah. A dude doing that to you doesn't want to listen to the fact that you're straight. You're like, hey, I don't like that. Yeah. And then he keeps going after you. That's like disturbing. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the worst time you've ever tried to go after a chick. The most clumsy in your history. Could you imagine someone doing that to you? A guy doing it to you? Yeah. Like you're drunk and stupid and imagine that dude doing that to you you'd feel so uncomfortable and gross and negative give me away I don't want to get raped my gay friend in college would always do that they would creep up dudes

41:27he would get aggressively homosexual when guys get drunk they get crazy if I was kissing another one of our friends he's like what happened to me I don't kiss they're like alright Andrew calm down there was a comic that did that what was that guy's name Jason something or another he was really flamboyant yeah really flamboyantly gay and he would get aggressive he was a cunt And we were all in Montreal. There was like four or five of us. I don't remember who was talking to. I think Bobby Slayton, I think, was one of them. But he came over, and it was like the end of the night. And he was like, you know, I'm sucking someone's dick. Is it going to be yours? I'm like, hey, man, get the fuck out of here. You should find a gay dude for this. Yeah. Well, you're really working hard. There's a nice way to get out of straight dudes.

42:07I mean, think about how hard it is for a straight guy to get laid. And then think about how hard it is for a gay guy to get laid. Like, their numbers are low. yeah but such a higher percentage when you find their numbers yeah if you go to like you know Boys Town or something you go to Santa Monica Boulevard yeah you're gonna get a lot there but if you're in like Thousand Oaks looking for gay sex that's tough action yeah you know you gotta find them you gotta go to church yeah find them in the you gotta do something you gotta figure out you gotta pound on all the things in the army in the like the 40s and 50s and 60s where people grew up in small towns had never seen they just thought they were weird for these feelings but they didn't know. The ones that grew up in New York and L.A. obviously they knew about gays. And then they go to the army and all of a sudden they find other gays

42:51and they find each other and it's like, oh. Well, in the army apparently that's like a real problem especially in the Navy when dudes were on boats. There was a dude that we knew that was going away to the Navy. His little brother was going away to the Navy. We're all sitting around eating with him and just as a joke I said, man, you need to learn some jujitsu so you can fight off the rape on the boat. And he goes, yeah man fuck that man that shit happens I go what do you mean it happens I go dudes really rape dudes on the boats he goes well you know it's not that big a deal I go okay what's not that big a deal he goes well I've been in for a year I only know four dudes I go what you know four dudes who've been raped by men and you've only been in the Navy for a fucking year can you imagine if you knew four comics that got raped he'd be like fuck comedy man people at the end

43:42of getting raped? Well, how often? Like four times a year. I'll never go there again. If somebody started raping UFC commentators, I'm like, nah, I'm going to watch that shit from my house. Good luck, Australian guy. Two guns in my lap. Fuck you. What are you, crazy? Four dudes. He was only in the Navy a year. And it happened over that year? Yes. During that year, he knew of four dudes who got raped. Wow. I mean, how many people was he coming in contact with? Even though the Navy's gigantic, That's a big number. Even if it's a few thousand. Still. Fuck. Do you ever come close to joining the military or anything? Yeah, I had a recruiter show up at the grocery store I worked at. It was for the Air Force. I thought of it. Oh, he went to my high school. And then I remember him. How old was I? Like 17, 18.

44:31And then when I wrestled in high school, then he, this recruiter, I don't forget, saw our heavyweight and goes, Yeah, I was looking for John Heffern. And then this guy started laughing. he's like he's too small because when I was in high school I was maybe 5, 6, 100 I wrestled 105 pounds so I didn't grow until after like 3 years 105? 105 Jesus and then 119 that's not even a real weight is the one I wrestled I know right? if I find a woman with 105 pounds I'm like yeah you're pretty small yeah yeah did you try to say you would fuck John if he was 100 pounds? I would have to see a picture when were you thinking about joining the military? same time 17, 18 it was kind of interesting instead of college. I was like, fuck it. Let's just go to the West Coast. Yeah, I was going to go for college. I was thinking National Guard. I was like, you can get paid. You only had to put up some clones

45:16during a flood or something. I really want to be in the West Coast. I really want to find just watch us. Do you remember? That's the Bush administration changed all that bullshit. The National Guard used to be a safe way to not go to war. To war. And you were helping people. You were still getting money. You were doing college duty. And they split families up. And it's rough. Well, even if you look at Rambo. Remember, it was all National Guard guys went after Rambo. The whole movie was making fun of these National Guard guys. They don't know how to do anything. Hey, I've got to get back to the store. And now the National Guard guys are as badass as anyone else. There's a dude I do jujitsu with and he was in the Army Reserve for 20 years. And 20 days left in his 20 year tour. 20 years! 20 days left, they sent him to Iraq for a year and a half. So if they start before your time is over,

46:05they can just lock you in It doesn't matter And they can bring you back They can bring you back Anytime they want They recall you They're hurting so bad nowadays I'm surprised they're not Just like Oh you're an Eagle Scout You gotta go To fucking Iraq I think they're actually There's no doubt about it You talk to There's a lot of dudes Who go over there Because they think They're doing the right thing There's a lot of dudes Like Pat Tillman Dudes who joined the army And joined the Navy They think they're They're doing it to protect This great country Especially then In like 2001, 2002 People had that fear But once they get in Then they realize You're getting fucked and that's what happened with Pat Tillman. I mean, he was a huge critic as was his brother of how fucked up things are over in Iraq and Afghanistan. And, you know, obviously they wound up killing them.

46:48They killed a friendly fire. I remember a year ago I did a show and I got back to the hotel room and I googled oldest age to join an army. Really? I was like, you'd be old as fuck, right? Nah, they bumped it up to 42, 40, like 43. But that's like 20 years longer than Now would you be enlisted there? No, you do it and go straight to officer corps or what would you do? I heard a couple things. One, they would like say I joined at, you know, 40. They give me a job and take a 19 year old out of that job and throw that 19 year old on the line. So like the older guys is like but I know one of my wife's friends, she's in Airborne Rangers. She said she has privates in her thing that are like 37, 38 years old. Privates, you know, just guys that are infantry. There's a lot of dudes, man, that have no fucking money and they don't have anything in their town and there's no options.

47:39What's the difference? You're taking care of it. You're going to go to war. Now would be a major problem. I'm talking about in general. We've been at war for eight years, dude. Yeah, we've been at war for eight years, man. Joining the military for the last decade has been no joke. It's just... What the fuck, man? When I was a kid, Vietnam ended when I was a little boy and I remember thinking very clearly that oh this is a good thing because now there's not going to be any more war. Obviously everybody hates war. You're never going to go to war again. And then when I was like 21 was the first Gulf War. Me and my buddy Jimmy Dettilio, we had an apartment together in Waltham, Massachusetts. So ethnic. It was ethnic. Two guineas hanging out in Waltham and we're sitting in front of the TV and the first strike happened and they showed the missiles coming in

48:32and the bombs going off and I was like holy shit. And me and Jimmy watched it like we were watching a football game. We were like, dude, we're at war. Holy shit. I remember being in college then, and the two guys I lived with were all reservists, and then they got called up. So they were probably 20, 21 years old, 22, got called up and went down to, they were going to start to help train. At the time, everybody was like, there's going to be a draft. There's going to be a draft. So we all thought, because we were at that age, we were 20, 21, we're like, holy crap, we're going. yeah yeah there was a serious yeah yeah so scary man I remember when the first Gulf War happened we're practicing basketball and it was open night of some play some high school play and somebody came in like the play bomb the plane the planes bomb I just something like a play bomb oh I was like why are

49:21you breaking up our practice with it so yes I'm a little happy about it Yeah, the whole thing is so surreal. I got woken up. I don't remember who woke me up. Somebody woke me up and called me and told me that America's under attack. Yeah, that's what they said. America's under attack. And I was like, what? Turn on the news. America's under attack. And we just are so removed from all the shit that goes on in the rest of the world. We are so removed from what war really is. Unless you talk to someone who's actually been over there and come back, and they have a very different opinion of it. but we're so fucking removed from it over here. When I saw that shit on TV, I was like, what? Really? Like, this isn't a movie? It was like, your heart starts beating faster. It's like, all of a sudden, this team you're on is under attack. You know?

50:10I mean, it's not you, but it's like we're all in this team together. And you don't think about that through your day-to-day life. You can say you're happy to be an American, shit, and you believe in democracy, and I'm a Republican, but you don't really realize you're on some team until the team's attacked. Right. And then you're like, so dudes that did nothing, dudes who didn't know these dudes, came over and killed them just because they were living on this part? Yeah. They were living in this patch of dirt so people were killing them. I thought that was only movie shit. My brother's over there now. Is he? Afghanistan. He just got called up again. Oh my God. Yeah. That's what happens. When you go through a tour, if you sign up for the military, Dick Cheney instituted some new situation where they can just kind of keep bringing you back. Well, he's still on Active Reserve

50:57so he knew he was eventually getting called up again. But when they were in a situation where people had done their tours and they were bringing them back. Yeah. Ugh. Randall, Masker, how long are you going to ask the same question over and over and over again? Is some dude asking a question over and over again? I've seen it ten times. You just rewarded him. Joe, who gets more women? Why are you reading it? Huh? You're just rewarding him. You know, I just... he's still doing it so alright we'll take you yeah when people ignore you sometimes you ever make a joke like in public and nobody laughs and then you hear somebody like make the same joke again because they assume nobody heard them and it's like dude look at their response and fucking take that to me and they didn't find it funny it's the worst that someone thinks you weren't listening and they say it again yeah one that means

51:43it's not in the moment that means you're trying to make this joke this guy says all the branches other than the army are overloaded, actually. I don't believe that now. I think he's probably telling the truth. I would think that in this economy, I would... There's a lot. Yeah, a lot of people are. It's a lot higher than... Look at, what was it? How long? Two years ago? New Orleans. We didn't have enough people to send there. Two years ago. Wasn't it? Wasn't it a lot more than two years ago? When was Katrina? What year was that? Maybe it was longer. Because that was when I first heard about Kanye West. When he was like, George Bush hates black people. That was way longer. That was my favorite was Michael Myers' reaction because he's just a Hollywood guy. Yes, these people tell us. oh, I do not want to be associated with this. He's just so uncomfortable. I know. He got so, I mean,

52:32that was like one of the blackest, most dangerous things you could say. And it was like, what? Why am I in this picture? George Bush does not like black people. Wow. George Bush hates black people, right? Did he say hates or does not like? George Bush hates black people. I think it's hates. Yeah, I think it is. He said hates? George Bush hates black people. Yeah. Why is that guy still on TV? He's fucking spidey. But now he's on TV because he's a douchebag and because people are looking for him to do something wrong. His reason for being on TV has evolved. It used to be like, here's this young artist. Now it's like, this guy's such a cock. Have him close to the camera. He'll probably do something stupid and everybody will hate him and it will get you a million hits on YouTube. When he took that microphone away from that girl, he'll be hated forever. You don't do that!

53:16What was even worse was his fake apology on Leno later. He was trying to work up tears that he couldn't quite do it. He's so weak. He was just saying he's going to take a step back and he's not going to work on some show. He's going to, shut the fuck up. My favorite is when he says please just let me be great. George Bush doesn't care about black people. That's what I thought it was. Thank you, our Adderboy. Hate is a very strong word. Hate might make Mike Myers flinch and pee a little. Yeah. Made a little dribble go. This could ruin my career. What happened to that dude? Mike Myers? Yeah. They're actually making a new Austin Powers movie right now. That last movie was awful. That last movie was death. Tarantino put him in Glorious Bastards. And it was horrible. It was so like, why is this guy... It was weird because he wasn't being funny.

54:10So then it's like, why would you put clearly someone who's known as a comedic actor... I just really hate him now. She hates Michael Myers? That last movie just rubbed me the wrong way. I was like, dude, you're doing the same movie. Yeah, but it's an Indian movie. So I married Max. Murder wasn't bad. Because he wasn't overdue. Seven years ago. He was just like a little bit like, I never saw that. That was a great movie. Ten years ago. People are asking to take a break. Why? Because we've been on straight for a while. What does that mean? They can't leave the fucking screen? They don't want to miss anything. Smoke breaks when I go to the bathroom when I get up. We're done. It's 4.30 and I have to do some sort of an interview with some people in Australia for a gig I'm doing in Australia. I'm not trying to drop names. I'm doing a deal in Australia. Taking it international style

55:02like my boy Soulja Boy. What happened to that guy? This is a knife guy. He got as famous as was possible for him. he didn't underachieve at all yes he was huge somebody just made a reference Paul Hogan right? yeah was that a guy or a Simpsons just made a reference about him he was like I want to get hugely famous like that guy from Crocodile Hunter and then not Crocodile Hunter Crocodile Dundee yeah yeah and then not famous at all like that guy from Crocodile Dundee yeah how weird is that? that guy was doing movies and shit took his millions and left yeah is that what he did? just build on Hollywood? no I think I think we got sick of him as a country but he only did two Crocodile Dundees and then the other movies didn't try to like be in someone else's film yeah didn't see him in a romantic comedy yeah you'd think you would've tried you're the crocodile guy he must've lost some money

55:54on his movie and said fuck him have you seen the preview for the new McGrooger movie you know that McGrooger MacGyver they make a whole movie about it they may have a whole movie coming out and usually SNL MacGyver or MacGroover MacGroover it's a take on MacGyver on Saturday Night Live and there's a movie out there they're making a movie and they have a new preview that's about that just came out and the funny thing about SNL movies is that they usually always have the best parts in the preview. There's not one part in this movie that looks good. You guys, it's good. That is the worst when you go to a preview and you just sit there and go, oh, what the fuck are they doing? Like, why would someone promote this? There's nothing worse than bad comedy because at least bad drama is hilarious. Bad drama, like Showgirls or something like that, those are genuinely funny movies. I got some

56:39Left Behinds. They're the rapture videos that fucking Kirk Cameron dude makes. Holy shit, are they awesome. They're so good. They're so beautifully stupid. Watching Kirk Cameron get owned on YouTube is one of my favorite pastimes. He's so dumb. I saw a Kirk Cameron movie in the theater. Did you really? The one where he's on the debate team? I don't remember what it was, but it was like a group date. Connelly and a few other people. We got driven there. Connelly had her license. Yeah. It was a debate. movie and I remember the big climax at the end was like because some teacher taught them in a clear move to the rest of the movie that he sounded like he was being real but he really wasn't and then later was like were you serious about that he was yeah I was I guarantee you Kirk Cameron loves the cock I guarantee you he loves the cock yeah there's no doubt about it

57:35There's no way he's that crazy, gung-ho, Jesus, the rapture, no sin, no masturbation, no love. Fucking gay as the day is long. I don't think so. You know who said that? I think he's fighting it with every fiber of his being, trying to stay in the straight and narrow, like girls. And meanwhile, he just wants fucking cock, cock mouth and ass. I just heard that. Herschel Walker was talking about when he was doing his fight. Uh-huh. Strike voice. and he said he doesn't masturbate. Yeah, but he's crazy. Herschel Walker's got, like, split personality disorder. Yes. I've heard it was trauma-related. I thought it was trauma-related. He said that, like, he didn't remember getting his Heisman Trophy. Like, he's got all these different... Dude, think about how many times that guy must have had concussions. I don't know if he's a big concussion guy, though. He plays football.

58:26Everybody gets concussions playing football, right? Don't they? No, a quarterback who's had the most will be, like, eight ever. But that's quarterback. to take blindside hits all the time. Jesus. Who was standing there when somebody fucking crushed them helmet to helmet, which doesn't happen as much. Yeah, but any time you get hit, okay, even if you're not getting a concussion, you're getting fucking rattled. Even if you get up and you get back up, when you get smashed into by some giant dude who's running a full clip, even if you don't go out, and even if you don't have a concussion where your pupils are dilated, you got some brain damage, son. You just got jarred. You know, that's reality. And when you do that shit over and over and over again. Football is one of the most dangerous I saw Ben Roethlisberger last week. No, what did Ben Roethlisberger? Was there a big quarterback?

59:11Whoever it was. Oh, Kurt Warner. Who threw an interception and went to make a tackle and then he just got blindsided. And you see him on the ground with his trainers over him and he's like talking but you can clearly see he's not making any sense. He's like, no, no. I'm on the... And they're like, alright, stay. Stay. Wow, that's nuts. That happens a lot. I got one concussion once. Really? I bought a... Danny Bonaduce hit me in the back of the head We were sparring And I kind of went down But he said it was the slowest knockout ever Like I went to one knee and he goes Are you okay? And I was like yeah yeah I'm good And then I went to the other knee Are you sure you're okay? Yeah everything's fine I'm just going to lay here for a second Do we have time if I can lay here? That's what I'm saying to him Long story short A girlfriend I was dating that time came to my apartment

59:57Goes you bought a VCR? And I go no She goes, there's a Best Buy with a VCR thing over there. Whose is it? Go over. It's my signature. Bought a VCR. This is back when people bought DVDs, though. So, like, I even bought the older VCR. And I bought it the way home after I left the place. Wow. You didn't realize you bought it. And then she goes, what's the matter with you or whatever? And I go, wow, spa. And then she's like, you look. And then we went to the doctor's. And then I lifted up a foot. And I fell. And the whole thing. Yeah. Wow. That sounds like a state of when you just wake up and somebody's like, Well, there's been football players that said, Do you remember, like, Trey? He would play a whole quarter and didn't remember playing the whole. Joe Dirksen fought Patrick Cote. And it was an awesome fight. Patrick Cote caught him with a big shot, had Dirksen hurt.

60:44And Dirksen wound up taking his back and choking him out. It was fucking chaos. Great fight. And I ran into Dirksen after the fight. We were on the way to the press conference. I go, Dude, that was a fucking awesome fight. I go, What a comfort behind victory. He goes, I don't remember it. I go you don't remember what happened oh man he cracked me I don't remember what happened I got his back but this wasn't even an interview this was just me and him backstage you got his back and you did the BJ Penn you pulled the hook over the arm and you choked him out I go it was beautiful man wait till you see it he said I don't remember it wow there was one guy you did an interview and he goes I don't remember that and he was like oh no I don't remember this at all Colin Miller against Dan Lozon He got dropped. And I go, what were you thinking? How badly were you hurt when he got dropped?

61:31He goes, I got dropped? He didn't remember it. Yeah, when he came on, he goes, oh, wow, I did. Like, his reaction was so real. Tim Sylvia, when he fought, what's his name, Randy Couture, when Tim Sylvia got cracked in the first round, he woke up going into the fourth round. Yeah. He didn't know what round it was. He thought the second round was the fourth round. Or he thought the fourth round was the second round. He was off by two. He missed two rounds. Or the fifth, I think. It might have been the fifth. Because they told him, like, this is the last round. He was like, what the last round? Like, he thought it was, like, the second round. Like, he was gone. Just erased the whole thing. He was fighting on autopilot. It's just your body. Your body trying not to die. Dude. You know, just random nerves just randomly through. Getting blasted. I love, like, striking training.

62:16I love, like, hitting the pad and hitting the bag. And sparring with somebody you can trust is fun. Yeah, if you can find that guy that knows 70% is 70%. Didn't some dude punch you in the face recently in your Krav Maga class? Yeah, same thing. That's why I enjoy training, like you said. We're doing, literally I go, let's go 40%. Because I got some. Right. And if people don't know, when you do like striking sparring, the whole deal is that you don't hit each other hard. You hit each other like a little bit, but you don't try to knock each other out. Yeah, there's nothing. And so I'm like, and my problem is I don't get in close enough. So I told the guy, let's go 40. That way if I do get drilled right in the face, it's not going to. So then I throw a kick, but I'm throwing a kick at 40%, which means any little kick could grab that kick. It's not going fast.

63:07So he swoops it, grabs it, and then punches as hard as he could after he catches my foot. And then I'm just laying there and I'm like, yeah, that's why I'm going to do more jiu-jitsu. Because the worst thing that's going to happen to me is somebody's going to tap me out. I mean that could be that fluke weird but it's more of a not a gentleman's sport it's more technical the worst thing that's happened is I go like that and I'm not going man are you just weird where it drills me in the face good guys don't hurt you good guys are the least you have to worry about with a guy like Eddie if he gets your arm he's going to have full control he's not going to pull it back and snap it you got to worry about strong blue belts that are just starting to learn how to tap people Those are the ones that are really loved. Or, you know, like they're just real hyper-aggressive

63:56and they don't know how to relax yet. Or super powerful white belts who are just learning moves. The most you'll get is bruises all over your fucking hysteria. Well, when you spar somebody, especially like if I find a place wherever I'm performing, that's a better story for them is being knocked out the comic that looks. That's a way better story than, hey, I want to work on getting inside. Do you mind if I... But then again, there's some places that you go to where people don't try to do that at all. Like when I went to Amal Easton's place, Boulder, when I moved there and I started training there, people couldn't have been nicer. Yeah. Everybody was cool. There was no assholes. There was no aggro dudes. No one trying to tap you. No one getting crazy. I mean, they were trying to tap you, but they weren't trying to hurt anybody. They were just rolling.

64:39It's all from how cool the instructor is. If the instructor's cool, then the people are cool. Eddie's so friendly and so relaxed and so cool to everybody that everybody in the whole gym carries that friendly, relaxed attitude. You know, you go to like John Jocks, the same thing. John Jocks is a real nice guy. So everybody there is nice. And he was so high the other day that he started talking and he went up to his hand. And then I was like, I wonder if... And then you see the other people laughing like he's gone. He got so high, he spent the first five minutes of class talking about some History Channel documentary on UFOs. The first five minutes, like, dude, they got scientists, man. They got NASA. NASA people, man. This shit is going down. Should we be doing sit-ups while we were talking? Yeah. and it's like dude it's on the history channel shit's going down I'm like how high

65:23are you right now how often do you do you do once once to 1.5 times a week but you still see even that once yeah get you thinking about it I just get so mad at myself like I'll go you learn some stuff and then you come back and you just hold somebody going I used to remember something I don't remember that I and then you gotta just be like running so many times You take a couple of weeks off and then try to do your act. Like, how does this go? You don't even remember your bets. You have to, like, review your recordings. I forgot a shit time. I took an extended period off and I forgot a shit time. I was like, I know I can do something here. I don't have any idea. Yeah. You forget a lot of shit. I forgot, completely forgot how to do this. There's this move to break the armbar loose called the Silverado. It's my favorite move when I was at Purple Belt. I completely forgot about it. Right.

66:09We were reviewing it the other night. I'm like, oh, yeah, it's there. That's how it goes in. You know, I forgot how to do it. But it was, like, one of my favorite moves. It's weird. Jiu-Jitsu, there's so many moves. That's the crazy thing about it is it's never ending. Do you think it's not matched, right? You think a year from now some guy would do something that's... Right? No one's done. Because it comes off what other people are doing. Yeah. So then... It's based on what you do but then no one has ever thought to defend this move yet because it hasn't been invented. Once it does get invented then you've got to have a counter. There's this new move that dudes have been doing real recently called the Japanese necktie and it's just come out. Like, I think Aoki was the first person to do it. Yeah, Japanese necktie is sort of like a dars.

66:51But you grab it with a gable grip and you turn the guy's head up towards his chest and you have your chest pinned on him. It's fucking nasty. I hate those things. And it's new. It's like, how did no one know this before? Right, right, yeah. People are in this position all the time. They're trying to get the dars choked. But really, there's an even better choked that's right there. As soon as you lock up that gable grip and you get on top of the guy, you tuck it under and you're bending his fucking neck towards his chest your chest is on top of his head he's got no air no blood whenever we do those drills and it's those cranks I always pretend like we have an odd number of people in the class that I don't have a partner no you should do it you should do it it hurt yeah but you do it anyway you gotta relax just let him let him yank your neck around it's such a small difference

67:34between fine and serious pain yeah but you gotta get used to that no one's gonna hurt you doing that but it's gonna be uncomfortable but that move it's so important to learn how where it comes on because like the Japanese necktie comes on so quick the Peruvian necktie too it's like you're going like this and then you're just jumping back and hopefully you don't go too far but it's a spazzy move it's an awesome move Peruvian necktie and Japanese necktie both of them are the shit they fuck you up man it's a terrible position to be in I think the Japanese necktie is even well Peruvian is pretty badass too in the Peruvian you got your weight on top of them always the Japanese necktie you're kind of like on the side and hooking it, but it doesn't matter. It's so good. Such a powerful move like that. I think we're done. Do you agree, Brian? All right. I was just thinking of Japanese people.

68:22I'm like, have I ever seen a Japanese guy wearing it? No. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, what about that fucking Japanese video game? That video that you posted? Maybe we should end with that because that is the most bizarre fucking thing I think I've ever seen on the internet. Yeah, that's just funny. There's some crazy Japanese video game that's like these two muscle-bound gay guys wearing diapers, and they're a human bicycle, and they're riding down the road, and they're getting chased. I mean, it is one of the gayest, weirdest things. Japanese lead the league in weirdness. God, it's so strange. Do you know, for people who don't know, there's like, you can go to vending machines in Japan, you can buy used panties. Like, that's real. Yeah, you go places, they sell used panties. Why couldn't we open one of those there? Could you open one else here?

69:12All you have to do is get a girl to put it on real quick, throw it in a bag, and then it's... I think you have to have enough people that are going to be cool and buying it. You should have different levels. One, the girl wears it all day. That's the primo. She doesn't change her panties all day. No shower in the morning. No shower. She goes to the gym, and you get those stinky, sweaty, funky, moose knuckle underwears. I think you missed an opportunity for the Joe Rogan fanny pack. I'm going to make them. line. And I was already thinking about your fashion show. I'm making fanny packs. And then have used panties like that. We'll call them like Rogan. I mean you could probably get it so instead of it's fanny pack it's oh you want a I mean there's some huge. Yeah. Like skulls and just. People think I'm kidding about the fanny pack thing.

69:58You see me at the airport. I always have one of those things on. You should shape a fanny pack like a skull. Like a three dimensional skull. You can get a little crazy with it. It doesn't. It's overhead compartment for your junk. You know. You're saying the sky's the limit. on Fanny Packs. They're so I mean they're really it's a huge opening. So comfortable so useful Fanny Packs are shit. Dang. And then I can see fighters entering well that'd be a little bit of a thing but you know sponsored by and after seeing the Jew Clam what's going to shock us? That's a good point. This video we're going to show you is not as shocking as the Jew Clam. This is actually I gotta pee goodbye everybody. This is actually funny so ours is gonna pee. Here we'll turn off the webcam now and check it out. Alright thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, for another fun, fun Ustream

70:43podcast. I hope you enjoyed it. John Hefron needs more Twitter followers, people. It's at John Hefron. Hefron with two Fs. And we love you, bitches. Thanks for tuning in. Thanks. I'm going to get a little bit of water. I'm going to get a little bit of water. I'm going to get a little bit of water. I'm going to get a little bit of water. I'm going to get a little bit of water. I'm going to get a little bit of water. I'm going to get a little bit of water. I'm going to get a little bit of water. I'm going to get a little bit of water. I'm going to get a little bit of water. I'm going to get a little bit of water. I'm going to get a little bit of water. I'm going to get a little bit of water. I'm going to get a little bit of water. Look at the babies son, they tell the tobies. That's not safe. Alright guys, thanks for watching. Bye, everybody.