Ari Shaffir

00:00boom we did it here we are at the motherfucking airport that's like another recording so you start off another uh is it another episode so you got talking in it should I stop now yeah just 35 second clip here brian there too yeah uh so r and I are in anchorage we're at the airport Dude, this is one of the most funnest trips I've had in a while. It was badass. Most funnest. Most funnest. Yeah, it was badass. We had a good fucking time. We went fishing two straight days. Yeah. I saw eagles. Yeah. I saw eagles. Yeah. The solstice was like a few days ago. So it was pretty much the longest day of the year, within 10 minutes. Yeah. It was pretty weird. Coming out of the club last night, it was like 2 o'clock in the morning. Yeah. And it was, you know, I mean, it wasn't crystal clear. It wasn't like noon. It was cloudy. But you could see everything. You could see. It was not dark out.

00:59If you didn't have your lights on, a cop would probably let you go on it. Yeah, you could have no lights out here in July and probably get by. Yeah, we couldn't tell the difference in turning them on and off. We're like, I can't see. Yeah. It's pretty cool. Yeah, you get in a little bit. It's just a little bit of darkness, like dusky, but it never gets fully dark. And then, whoop, the sun comes right back up again. Yeah. How badass are the people out here? Yeah, man. This is an amazing town. It's really unusual If you've never been to Alaska You owe it to yourself Just to try to experience it up here Summertime We were just saying last night We want to do this once a year Yeah At some point in the summer When it's so fucking green and beautiful Yeah This is going to have to be our yearly trip You see that? The New Yorker cover What's going on? It's Ernie and Bert

01:43One of them resting their head On the other one's shoulders And they're going to get married What? Ernie and Bert Remember Ernie and Bert? They're going to get married on Sesame Street? That's what they're talking about So they're admitting that they're gay. That's what they're talking about. See, I don't know if that's healthy. Why should you have any sex at all involved with Muppets? Oh, right. I wonder if they have, do they have other people that are married on that show? I don't know. I don't know either. What's that called when you take an animal and make it a human? Anthropomorphizing? Maybe. That's like an English term I should know. It's like they do that in fables and stuff. The snake, you know? Yeah. Yeah. The wolf, Little Red Riding Hood, the better to see you with, my dear. Yeah. What big eyes you have.

02:22um yeah give them human traits I think that's stupid it's off now why should they marry they're saying I like the idea if all if a lot of them are married then it's like yeah have one gay couple too yeah one out of ten sure but it just to have ernie and burt marry just to ease ease your concerns they've been roommates for a long time you ever hear people that are like no that's my roommate todd and you're like what yeah we just we do everything together we're just such friends and you want to be like just tell your mom and they sound gay Yeah, just tell your mom. My friend's brother is one of those. He shows up with the same guy, every family function. Just friends. Nah, just friends. And they all sort of know, but no one wants to say anything. Yeah, being in the closet has got to suck hard. It's got to suck. Yeah, I try to be as openly accepting of gay people as possible.

03:09I think I'm going to be openly heterosexual. Yeah, I try to be that, too. I try to be as openly heterosexual. I went out of my way to have kids just so I proved everybody not gay. I'm proud. I like pussy, see? See? I made them. Traditional way. Traditional. It's not natural. It's a weird aberration in human genetics and animal genetics, too. Are there cases in the animal world? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, definitely. So at that point, you have to be like, well, it is natural. It's just not the most common. Yeah, like I was reading a story recently. I think it was flamingos. There was two gay large birds. I think it was flamingos. And it was at a zoo, and they were having a real problem with these gay birds that sort of paired up. What were they doing, flotting around? Jacking everybody's food and pushing everybody away.

03:57They decided to set it up so that these gay birds were in the general population, and the gay birds were sort of running shit and forcing the breeding birds away from them. Wow, they jacked it. Bobby Kelly told me outside the cellar. There was these like, you know, the super gays walk with like a strut. Men? Yeah, men. Okay, healings. And you can tell, yeah. Yes, some people you can't tell. It's more than obvious. It's like, wow. And I like looked because I catch my eye because it's not the normal way I see people. And Bobby's like, don't look. Those are the gangs here. I was like, really? He goes, yeah, they'll fuck you up. If you want to say something anti-gay, they will fuck you up. Really? Yeah. You have to worry about that? Well, just don't be homophobic, I guess, publicly. And you're okay. Right. Don't mock them. yeah yeah because I guess the black or supersedes the gay

04:46hmm oh so the they're gangster gay yeah hmm who is that guy gangster fag gangster fag the rapper yeah turn out he says he wasn't really gay he probably just caught jesus it makes you lie about it later could be it could also be he could have it could have been a gimmick I mean he says it was all a gimmick and that he came out with the gangsta fag character just to get controversy. Just to get cock. I mean, I'm sorry, I mean controversy. But it was so detailed and specific. I mean, I don't know. Either he's an amazing artist or he got to the first three levels just by proxy. It was real weird because when he contacted me then one of his former business manager or partner contacted me and was saying that it was a lot of weirdness. Like, oh, the guy's a bullshit artist, and he's trying to scam money. He never tried to get money out of you, though, did he? Well, what's he going to do?

05:46Yeah, give me money. I don't know how he's going to get money. I'm a rapper, give me money. Good luck with that. Yeah, there's a lot of lesbos in Alaska. Are there really? Based on my old watchings of Northern Exposure when I was 16. Well, that's a thorough and detailed analysis. Yeah, I'd say 100% fact then. It was interesting how we were talking to Dan Ranella, Steve Ranella's brother, who went fishing with us. And he was telling us that there's a lot more women up here than people think. Like, it's actually more women in Anchorage than there are men. Yeah. I get trouble to believe that because it was so ingrained into me that it was like three to one men. I always heard it was ten. Ten to one? I always heard it was ten men and one woman just getting trains run on her. All the time.

06:28They just call up any dude and they all just accept that she fucks other guys because there's no girls up here. But apparently it's not like that anymore, especially Anchorage, which is basically a college town. It was really progressive. We saw those people that were Christians for equality, for gay equality. Yeah, they were boycotting. It was weird. You never see that. I don't know what that was all about because we're too lazy to stop our car and get involved in the discussion. We didn't slow down and made the turn. we thought about honking in solidarity but like nobody likes to hear horns you just wave if you see me I'll wave what did that become a thing honk if you support this like that's the move that's the big I'm gonna take a stand here during the first couple years of the war before everybody

07:12realized it was utter horseshit uh the you know the corner near the mall near my house there's a corner where these knuckleheads gathered and they had american flags and support our troop signs and They wanted everybody to honk if you support the troops. And so everybody just honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk, honk. It was so annoying. Every time you got anywhere near that place, you'd hear horns. So there was a restaurant that was right across the street from that place. It was like, what the fuck? You assholes. So annoying. Just horns all day. Weren't we somewhere where they were at the bottom? It was like a Monsanto, not Monsanto building, but it was some corporation building. And they were boycotting it at the bottom. But we're like, there's also a hotel here. And we'd like to sleep till noon. We're not the problem. Where was that? It was somewhere, right?

07:56Like Portland or something? Seattle? Yeah, they were boycotting. It was like a hotel workers union. One of those. I don't remember what it was. Why was that? I don't remember. But yeah, that was annoying. Protests are annoying. But annoying if you're not involved. But I guess they need something done. And there's no other way to do it but make a big stink. It's the best way to do it nonviolently. Yeah. My favorite joke that my friend Pete Carboni is out of comedy now, my favorite joke about protests, it goes, do you think George, this is how old it is, do you think George Bush cares about people protesting the war? I think he views those protests the way we view the WNBA. Like, sure, it's annoying, but let them feel like they're making a difference. Is the WNBA still around? Still around. No one cares. They've been shoving it down our throats for 20 years. No one gives a fuck.

08:54One girl dunked recently. They're full of 300 lesbians and beaten down men that have to do shit with their wives. Free ticket holders that are on drugs. Oh, that's funny. It's just a failure model. How do they actually... Merch. Merch? That's how they turn a profit. Merch. But when you go to an arena, how can you get 300 people in an arena? I don't know. it's like people are into a lot of Brittany Griner the dunks they have are the ridiculously lame dunks they're like it's a dunk you barely got your hand above their they do the old James Worthy Statue of Liberty they had to name it something because it's so boring it means you just go straight up and dunk it so they're like really tall women yeah can do it only on a breakaway when no one else is there and whoever the point guard is that feeds the ball goes you're all alone so they can take like the four steps they look the other way

09:46it's so stupid and they're like see like see nothing it's a big highlight when they do it yeah oh my god it's funny how that never took off is that what it is it's just people don't like watching women do athletics they always sell it on like it's fundamentally good no they like tennis tennis top level that's the only one but basketball is so clearly the exact same sport although tennis is too do you remember when renee richards I don't know I don't remember either but the story is fascinating. Rene Richards, who was never a successful male tennis player, got a sex change and started whooping up on women. Really? Yeah, it was a big deal. Playing against women, he was kicking ass. Wow. Whereas playing against men, he was getting his ass kicked. Did they let him keep playing, or what was the story? I don't know how it ended, but I know he did for quite a while.

10:34It was a big point of controversy. You know, one of the things about transgenders that I found pretty interesting is there's a whole group of hardcore feminists that do not like transgenders at all and think that it's just more male suppression because this is not a man, or this is not a woman, rather. This is a man who went through an operation and now is deciding to be a woman, and fuck you, you can't be a woman. Oh, fuck there. They won't let him in. Well, I would say so, except in athletics. Yeah, in athletics, I get it, because it's bone structure. But my boss in my summer job in college, sky rose this trans priest pre-op transsexual transgendered black guy from england and that was I mean you look at him you're like oh that's a woman I get it you're a woman you know who like to fuck he liked to fuck somebody you know who he liked to fuck straight men did he fuck them or

11:26they fuck him uh they fucked him but he would do I was like but wait how how are they he goes because they could tell I'm a woman and they want to fuck a woman the same way I want to fuck a man I was like how do you do it this is what he said get legs over the guy facing him um but sunk down onto the cock oh jesus so that way you can be face to face you know I just got grossed out you really imagined it didn't you yeah I just imagined pre-op as dick and balls are floppy all over the place they rest on your belly button the thing about transgenders with athletics it's not just bone structure it's also reaction time men have a across the board 10 percent faster reaction time than females do caught a lot of heat for this huh a little bit but not with anybody rational so it was okay but it was just about fighting I would never even

12:16brought it up it was about any other athletic pursuit do you think if they had a transgendered like weight class that that would be okay oh yeah well I think what they should do is have transies fighting against other transies? Men to women fight women to men. You can't say tranny because it's man. But transies. Transies is like halfsies. Let's go halfsies. It's not offensive. We should call them halfsies. Oh, how rude. That's just rude. I don't support our severe statements. I'm a fan of lesbians, gay, bisexual, and halfsies. Everybody's. Everybody'sies. The guy who I was upset about didn't disclose it. he just decided he was a woman now after 30 plus years of living as a man and having male testosterone and male hormones and male training. And they don't disclose it, that's like the people on testosterone, steroids I'm like, you can say, my doctor prescribed

13:08it, tell everybody ahead of time Exactly, and that's, it's a similar argument honestly, because the idea that testosterone doesn't give you a massive advantage, like some people are being humble, like Luke Rockhold Luke Rockhold was the Strikeforce champion. He fought Vitor Belfort. And Vitor is on testosterone replacement therapy. And, you know, Vitor wheel kicked him in the head. And he was like, it wasn't testosterone replacement that landed that kick. He was being humble about losing. Which is kind of, yeah, kind of admirable. But the reality is, it does help you train. Look at Alistair. Look at all the guys that came back in every sport. Baseball, too. When they come back, it's not just a half step they're off. People are like, oh, okay, it's a slight advantage. It's the world of difference.

13:50That 5% at the top level of athletics is all the difference between getting beat up consistently and beating people up consistently. It really is. It's interesting how that can even be argued. You win a bar fight either way. But in top level performance, that's a major difference. It's the difference between 40 home runs and 19. Yeah. And people say, well, how does it translate to skill? What's happening, man? When's it going to air? Probably in a couple days. Yeah, a couple days. you want to say hi you want to say hi this is some dude that's at the airport I didn't realize who he was I was listening to your conversation and I don't know what it is now did you go fishing I'm actually going to finish the rest of my season heading out to the lodge heading out to the lodge alright man we'd love to talk to you but we're in the middle of doing this I don't want to interrupt it

14:40take it easy bud I love on location podcast fan at the airport this is really at the airport folks we didn't fake this shit we're not like that So the idea that you take testosterone and it doesn't have a massive positive effect on your training, your ability to recover, of course you do. And even if you take, the problem is people say, oh, well, you test him once a week and that way you find out what he's taking. But that's not true either because if you know that you're going to get tested on Friday, you could be juiced to the gills Monday through Wednesday and then taper off on Thursday and then Friday you're back on. That quickly? Yes. That quickly? Yes. Especially if you're doing with skin, you're rubbing it on your skin. That's the easiest. That stuff dissipates. The cream. The cream and the clear.

15:26Or if you're taking oral, oral testosterone is also very quickly, it passes through the body within 24 hours. Weed is two weeks. Yeah. Weed is fat soluble. You can tell if someone had artificial testosterone in them. There's traces of it. But the levels of testosterone in your system, if you're taking something like the cream or oral, they dissipate really quickly. So there's a lot of ways to cheat. And anybody who says that that doesn't give you a massive advantage is fucking crazy. They just abandoned California. What? Testosterone placement therapy for new UFC fighters. Oh, wow. Mixed martial arts is going through a serious overhaul of their rules when it comes to that. Because they're trying to figure out what's fair and what's not fair. And why so many under 30-year-old guys and 30-year-old guys are needing testosterone. It's one thing if you're 50.

16:26Because at first I'm sure one or two doctors did it. They're like, okay, I guess he needs it. But now when suddenly all of them get it, then it's like, wait. Yeah. Let's think about this. And the thing about it is that Nevada has a smart policy. And that policy is they don't allow anybody to use testosterone if they've tested positive for steroids before. Because if you test positive for steroids, that means you're taking endogenous hormones. And when you take them, the artificial hormones force your body to shut down its natural production of hormones. So if you have low testosterone, because you took testosterone. Oh, then you have to do this to yourself. Exactly. You did it to yourself, so we're not going to help you. Does it ever come back? your body eventually is like oh now we need it and it'll come back yes it'll come back but it

17:12takes time it takes quite a bit of time especially there's drugs that you can take like clome it's called clomid and there's some other ones that are started yeah they're um they're estrogen inhibitors and those estrogen inhibitors they change the level of testosterone to estrogen in your system and it boosts your testosterone production but those are illegal you can't take those in the UFC. So like, say if a guy took steroids, his balls crashed, and then he wants to get his testosterone back up, you're not even allowed to take stuff like Clomid or all these other different things. They're illegal. Yeah, overhaul is always a good idea. Yeah. That's what we're talking about we need for Constitution. Yes. Just like, let's redo it a little bit. Yeah, but the problem is, the people that would redo the Constitution of the same corrupt cunts that are in charge in the first place today,

18:03You know, the same people that are passing all these fucking crazy laws and allowing the NSA and the CIA to spy on people. Like, they're going to be the ones that revamp the Constitution. Right, they would draft the Constitution. Of course. It wouldn't be us. Damn. I think what we need is the fucking internet to run things. Yeah. I know that sounds crazy to people, but... But look how Yelp works. It's a community-run situation so that we all... I mean, you definitely need people in charge of running the site and stuff. But it's like something along those lines. Like, look, if we all want something or if most of us want something, that's why the parliament system works better to me. I got a joke I'm working on about how people should have Yelp scores. Like, you know, like you meet someone, they have a certain amount of stars floating over their head based on user interaction.

18:48Other people deciding on them. Yeah, like, you know, with Google Glasses. That would be a cool thing to use it for. Oh, yeah. You look at someone and you see they have five stars. Like, oh, you must be a sweet guy. They were trying to do that for a while for dating sites where you could look up a guy to see if he was an asshole and stuff. But the problem is only bitter women were writing on the website. So everybody got zeros. Well, it's like we were looking at Yelp last night for a good place to eat. And we found these steakhouses. And one of them had everything excellent, excellent, excellent except one review. And this review was just really douchey, poor. It turned out they never went to the restaurant. It was just like we didn't have reservations. They were busy. So they couldn't take us, which is bullshit because it was our anniversary. So we went next door.

19:33Yeah, it was some really detailed, needy explanation for why there were a few people ahead of her and she didn't want to wait 15 minutes because it was our big wedding anniversary. This is why when you're average stuff, you're supposed to take out the top and the bottom a few percent because they're like outliers that messed up the curve. And all, really, basically, every fucking survey, who the hell is answering surveys? Right. That's a good point. Have you ever answered one? no when I got free t-shirts in college I would answer service what kind of t-shirts did you get for free in college you know like the um the um uh college one with what's his name that died oh belushi belushi that was a cool t-shirt yeah that was a good it says college on I have one of those somewhere yeah a lot of people do they're pretty cool shirts I actually wore that t-shirt

20:17during the mencia video really yeah that's what I was wearing that's a good slacker shirt that was going on yeah let's talk a little about this fishing trip because it was so fun yeah it was awesome well first of all where'd we go do you remember yeah we went to the lazy sue that's the the name of the river and uh our friend matt peterson from valley river charters took us out all week and uh we had a great fucking time yeah it was catch and release so we had to decide where to go but he goes dude no one's gonna be at the lazy susan yeah so um it'll be mob the other place let's just catch and release them and we'll have a great time and it was man there was we saw one person the first day and nobody the second day yeah other fishermen everybody else wanted to catch fish and keep them yeah and we were like well if it's like easier to just catch a bunch

21:05of fish and release them you know which he kind of fucked up he's putting a hook in a fish's mouth and then sending them on his way but yeah you're fine sorry you're not we had a good time and so sorry fish what if um child molesters had a ripen release oh that's rude it's better than Louis C.K. had a bit about that. Yeah, it was great. Just tell them we're not going to execute them. They'll be more likely to give them back. They just feel, I think, a lot of those child molesters are so horrified by it themselves. What they've done. Yeah. They have to kill the evidence. They just fucking don't want anybody to know. It's so sick. The other thing we were talking about yesterday was how many people were molesting people, like in the Roman days. Yeah. the early days of civilization that like it was probably super common yeah I wonder if it was it

21:53must have been must have been because like it became a normal thing if society tells you yeah that it's not a problem then how many people would do it yeah a lot more I'm sure this is what we talked about in terms of like what society tells what's what's negative about homosexuality boys and girls yeah and they look down on boys in america way more homosexual boys way more than homosexual girls so in college way more girls experiment and fuck around than guys do there's an interesting statutory rape case going on right now between girls it was two girls that are girlfriends and one girl is 18 and the other girl is 15 and the girl who's 18 just 100 days ago was actually 17 so then it became an issue once she turned 18 then their relationship became illegal and it's really kind of crazy because if it was the other way around it was a boy and a girl

22:43I don't really think very many people would have a problem with it it was uh it was a concern when I was 18 um uh I had a girlfriend who was I think she was a year and a half younger than me and so when I was 18 she was 16 and a half almost 17 yeah and so when I turned 18 it was like can we still fuck it was like yeah it was like a real worry yeah because we had been you know we had been banging for over a year so it was like all of a sudden we couldn't bang anymore I was like what what happened are we illegal like that's crazy I was really worried about going to jail I was like how is that possible that my girlfriend is now illegal and you were just legal yep just wow yeah I think we were it's hard for me to remember if we were separated by one or two grades I think it was only one grade. Wow. Yeah, that's a grade lower. That's allowed. Yeah. Well, it should be. But once you turn 18...

23:38It's a problem. And it's not right before. What if someone's 17 and the other person's 10? That should be a problem. Oh, yeah. That's illegal. Well, is there certain age limits? Does it go down and down? I'm sure. If you're a three, if you're a four-year-old only? Yeah, it should be a separation of X amount of years. Yeah, percentage. Percentage-based. Yeah, I don't think you can have a 10-year-old girlfriend if you're 15 or 16. But at 11, you can. Yeah. At 11, you can. But, I mean, are you allowed to even... Is anyone allowed to fuck at 11? I don't know. I don't think so. But, I mean, how are they going to stop you if you're alone? Yeah. Anyway, back to the fish, though. Yeah. We got deviated. Yeah. It was so much fun. How much did you catch the first day? I think the first day, I caught seven. Seven? Dan caught six. I caught three? Four. Four, yeah.

24:25Yeah, I caught one at the end with the fly fish. And they were fucking monsters, too. We caught some big-ass fish. They, too, we got a lot. We got the big ones when they came. Yeah, you got the biggest one of your trip and me. I got the biggest one of mine as well. Describe the feeling you get when you feel that bite. They're so fucking strong. And they're all angry. They're pissed off. Immediately. That's sort of what they bite for. They bite because they're mad at you. They're not even feeding. Oh, right. They're just out of aggression. They said, get out of here. Yeah. That's why they feed. Yeah, I got one fish that was biting to eat, and that was a salmon, a trout. Oh, yeah. I caught one rainbow trout. You knew right away. Like, this ain't a salmon, man. But it was only 14 inches long, as opposed to the other ones that we were catching were giant.

25:13Like, the biggest one we caught, your biggest one was probably around 40 pounds, and mine was probably even a little bigger than that. I think mine was about, like, 35, and yours was, like, 40. It seemed like it was more than 35 pounds, man. I don't know. It's like dead weight. It's this weird weight where they're struggling. It's so heavy. Just even getting it in. Yeah. Oh, my God. Whatever they were, they were big. Big-ass fat fish. Go to Instagram, and you can see Ari in my pictures. Oh, yeah. But it was a good time, man. It was a good time. And it was almost just as cool just being on the river and seeing the eagles and the wildlife, the moose. We saw moose on two separate occasions. We saw three. Mom and a calf. We saw one driving, and then we saw a mom and a calf, and then we saw another mom on that island.

25:55I'm sure people from Alaska are used to it, but man, it's cool seeing that shit. Seeing the eagle, the one that looks like a stamp. Yeah. It looks like the post office logo. I'm like, that's, wow, the white head. Yeah. It's crazy. And they're talking about some places where there's a ridiculous amount of eagles. Super, super plentiful. Did you talk to those guys last night that were talking about the ravens up here? Oh, yeah. Huge ravens. How big they get? Yeah. The size of a dumpster. Yeah. They said they were eagle-sized ravens. They're enormous. Wow. And they're smart. and they're evil and they punch holes through tin cans they can peck a hole through a can of soup really yeah wow yeah their beaks are so hard yeah their beaks are so hard they can open a soup can with their beaks man they're big ass birds dude it's cool being on the river once the sun came

26:43out too yeah it was just so nice that's when we sat there and smoked and drank a little bit remember the immature eagle too that was another thing that dan told us it was fascinating that an immature eagle is actually larger than a mature eagle. Really? Yeah, when they're younger, they're actually larger. They calm down when they get bigger? I don't know. Something happens when they go through the stage. Is it molting with birds? Is that what it is? Molting? Where they go from being a baby bird to being a full-grown bird. They change color, and then they actually become smaller. But they were beautiful. Wow. Amazing-looking birds, just watching them fly and knowing that they're just looking to snatch a salmon and yank it out of the water that's all they want is looking down wish we saw that yeah I saw them like go and I was like dive dive uh they won't do it well we got there after

27:33the water was like a little flooded and so when that happens just like there's dirt in the water it's hard to see and then after a while that dirt will settle and then it'll be clear uh our guide was telling us about going there later in the year where you could see every fish in the water You see where they are. And just throw your rod right at them. Yeah, and just scoot it in front of them, and then they crush it. It's so great. It's such a great feeling when one bites. Because for a while, it tugs on a rock. And you're like, oh, I think. No, no. But then when you do get one. Yeah, and you see them flopping in the water. You feel the drag pulling. Back and forth. And one of the things that was really cool, when we switched to light tackle, like little tiny rods. We fly it out there. Throwing spinners. Uh-huh. And then you catch a fish on that, and then it's a super battle.

28:21It's really wrestling. Yeah. It's like catching a fly ball barehanded. Yeah, it's just so cool to be tapping into those wild things, too. These are wild fish. And the idea that they regulate them, they know when they're running. Like when we first scheduled this trip, we were going to be able to catch the fish and keep them. But then along the way, they switched it to catch and release because the populations were down. But then the day before we went, the weir, a weir is like a dam that they open up, like the fish go through a portal, and they count the fish. Yeah. They count how many fish go upstream to me. And there was 352 made it the day before us. So we just hit a perfect run. Yeah. It was like the best time of the year for fishing. They get big and pink and mean. They've already fucked. Mean cunts. Yeah. Have they already fucked? I think they're going up to fuck.

29:13They're still going. Yeah, they're on their way. Oh. And where do they fuck? in a lake they don't really fuck they just jizz on eggs that's how they do it the girl the girl legs the eggs the girl legs the eggs in the dirt and the the male comes along and shoots loads all over them wow yeah that's how they oh man yeah when I was living in boston we used to go to this place called jamaica pond and catch rainbow trout and when you catch them sometimes you'd pick the males up and they would spooge all over you because they were uh they were about to come Yeah, they were trying to cum on these eggs. Instead, they just cum all over you. That's like a single white female. Remember the single white female? Yeah. And so then the evil girl was blowing the boyfriend. She just showed up one day, and she cut her hair like the girlfriend. Oh, right.

29:58And then he was looking down getting a blowjob because she just showed up in his apartment. And they looked down, and he's like, Margaret? But he couldn't stop. He's like, ah, ah, ah. And he just couldn't stop. And then when she got cum in her mouth, I'm going to kill you. Yeah, the cum fortified her. Made her stronger. She became super evil after that. Yeah. That was the movie that just sort of freaked people out about potential crazy roommates. Sort of like fatal attraction freaked people out about potential married guys having affairs with crazy bitches. Rabbit. Rabbit. Oh, she boiled his pet rabbit. Yeah, the girl's, his kid's pet rabbit. But, yeah, that is, that's like the thing that guys think about. Like, oh, she's going to be a rabbit boiler. You know, like people will say shit like that. Rabbit boiler. It became a part of the culture.

30:53Isn't it fun how certain movies just stick as a reference for a long time? Yeah. That's why, you know how powerful that guy Corky was? From Life Goes On. From Life Goes On. Yeah, that's 25 years old or more, and people still, that's the reference for a retarded person. You're right. yeah you're not supposed to say retarded it's supposed to be down syndrome are you together oh it's like you're not supposed to say tranny yeah I only say retarded if I'm looking at if I'm referencing a retarded person oh well that's sweet that's sweet of you yeah I just won't call others that I don't think it's even even then I don't think you're ever supposed to say a person's retarded really yeah well it's like what is that being mentally supposed to when are you supposed to do this when are you supposed to do that but it's not acceptable amongst progressives we can say that progressive retards

31:44I think that we're in a new day and age I can't believe you're doing the retards sound I don't know how else to do a retard that is just rude I cannot believe that we're in a new day and age a fellow dance syndrome is like myself imagine if there was a disease that made you talk to an English person you knew someone was fucked up because they started talking English. That would be a pretty cool disease to get. Fake proper. Hello, how are you? And you're like, oh, he's crazy. Look at him. He's over there talking like an English person. No, no, I just caught English. Yeah, what are good examples of movies that just completely changed or became the reference? The reference, yeah. Like Gordon Gekko from Wall Street. Always Be Closed on. Everybody talks about that. And just Greed is Good. Oh, yeah, Greed, that's Wall Street, right? That was the guy.

32:34When you think about a greedy, cocksucker, Bernie Madoff type dude. He gets it forever. Yeah. Yeah, I wonder what else is like that. They have certain things. Every time somebody gets in front of a boat, people go like, I can't. I'm flying or whatever. Oh, the front of the boat like Leonardo DiCaprio. Yeah. And then we're going to need a bigger boat. That's the other thing. If there's a shark. I'm getting too old for this shit. Yeah. There's a million of those. They stick forever, way past how good they are. Well, that's the problem with people is how easy it is to get us to think that the movies and the way we see people behave and act is real life. That's how people are in real life. So we sort of use those terms and those iconic characters and insert them into real life. Sometimes there's no bearing on real life at all. Uh-uh. Karate Kid. Yeah, the Karate Kid. That's right.

33:28Did you do the wheel kick when you were little? Did you act it out? Well, it's a crane. Crane kick. That's the crane. Excuse me, Karate Kid fan number one. A wheel kick is a real technique. Well, the crane kick works, too. That's what Lyoto Machida knocked Randy Couture out with. With a crane kick? Yeah. I've got to watch that. He didn't spread his arms wide, but he did do a jumping front kick and hit him in the face. I love that in karate. He pulled it out, and his opponent was like, what are you doing? Yeah. All right, I'm going to come in for the kill here, but you're freaking me out a little bit with the hands out. the lioto machida one was magnificent and the best part about it was that steven seagal took credit for telling lioto to really execute that technique so funny my favorite non uh traditional

34:11technique was alan belcher once had a guy he was trying to take him down but you know how you go like hands around a guy for a double leg and you'll go put your head at one side or the other right try to be clear of a guillotine this guy had it straight straight in so once the guy had his head between Belcher's legs and the whole crowd started screaming for the DDT. Oh, so the DDT is like a wrestling move, right? Yeah, I think so. I think it's a DDT might be Piledriver, but you have your head here and just pick your waist up and just sit down on your head. Yeah, that's actually illegal. It's called spiking someone on their head. It happens accidentally sometimes when people are trying to attempt takedowns but you're not supposed to purposely spike someone on their head. On the head. But he did a version of it. He heard, I think as he let go, he heard the cheers. Right.

34:57And then he got it again like 20 seconds later. He's like, oh, yeah. He just slammed him straight down like face first. Oh, yeah. You can do it face first. It was so great. It's super dangerous for the guy getting slammed. Oh, yeah. So is fighting. Yes. So is walking in. But there's been a couple paralysis that have resulted from guys going for guillotines. and getting caught in a guillotine and someone falls back and they land on their head. Like a guy, say you're shooting in on a guy, a guy grabs a guillotine and falls back. And your head lands first with all his weight and your weight and the neck just snaps. It's happened a couple of times now. Wow. Yeah, a couple of big name camps have had guys. It's more than one occurrence. Oh, paralysis? Yeah, paralyzed. That's no good. yeah yeah anything neck is scary shit man guinea and you know your neck is pretty fucking vulnerable

35:55if somebody uh you know picks you up and your weight and his weight all slam down on your neck there's not really much give there it's gonna go it's just gonna go it's gonna snap fuck I used to worry when I started jujitsu um every time somebody got a hold of my neck I would start whiting out. Scary. It's scary for people. Seattle and San Francisco, you're not going there, are you? You've got like five more minutes. Where's your flight? Right there. Is that it? Seattle and San Francisco? Yeah, it's boring. This is what's called an abbreviated podcast, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. It's only like 40 minutes. But it was this or nothing. Yeah. So I was like, let's give the people something. Yeah, we need to give the people. The people. The people. Well, thanks, fuckheads. Thanks for giving us something. It just addicted me and now I got nothing.

36:39Have you ever thought about doing one of those Bill Burr type podcasts where you only talk yourself about stuff? I mean, I look at him as like an example of what's possible and what you can do. And I started doing more like rants and introductions. I'll let myself go off a little bit on that. Yeah. But I have a limit to myself where it's like I have this interview coming. Right, right, right. My podcast, Ari Shafir, Skeptic Tank. Skeptic Tank, available on iTunes. Please subscribe. Do you have SkepticTank.com or is it AriShafir.com? AriShafir.com. ari the great.com both of them both of them yeah and they just point and they show the whatever I did a few of them in the beginning I did a few complete solo ones so yeah I would like look at like twitter and I was on you stream too it's the fear is you have nothing to bounce yourself off

37:23yeah but yeah if you get some you stream questions they did that form spring I was thinking of doing that like a mailbag episode bill simmons does this in his column yeah just answer mailbag when it's like that's cool you can get some questions you always get and since I'm the interviewer I don't really answer them mostly so it's like yes I can go into that for you Greg Proops does all of his shows solo but he does them with an audience in front of a crowd which is a lot easier but it's also really badass Greg Proops is an interesting dude I don't think that guy gets nearly enough props he's in all things comedy with me in that co-op what is that? me and Burr and Madrigal's podcast co-op is that the final is that you? All right, folks, this fucking show is over. Thanks to Stamps.com. Thank you to Squarespace. And thank you to Onnit.

38:13And if you don't know what the codes were, fucking rewind it. Jesus Christ, we're at the airport. Always got to catch a flight. And I'll be in Nashville August 21st, 22nd. All right, you fucks. Let's call that one. Oh, and Crackers Broad Ripple, the first weekend of August. What is it? Crackers Broad Ripple, Indianapolis. Broad Ripple? Yeah. That's what it's called? Broad Ripple, Indianapolis? Yeah, it's the name of the thing. folks this is the shortest podcast we've ever done we hope for you it's been the sweetest Ari will be back in town when will you be back on the 11th? July 11th? just for one night to do the show? yeah within mid-August oh I think we're going to do another Comedy Central storyteller show for the website in like mid-August when I'm there what are the subjects going to be? I think we're going to do fighting I have a good we call it fisticuffs

38:56I have a good fighting story and maybe the road I don't know I want to do one. I'll see if I can come up with a good story. I'll come up with something. I know one story you have that's great. Well, tell me after this is over. All right, you fucks. Listen, thank you everybody who came to the show in Anchorage. We didn't even get to that. The show in Anchorage at the Beartooth was fucking glorious. That's the perfect word for it. Alaska is awesome. I love it up here. I would seriously think about living here in the summers. You can go fuck yourself about that all year-round bullshit. Yeah, well, yeah. But once a year, we get a free hunting trip out of it. You guys get a cool comedy show, and we like to do comedy. So it's just like a fun week for us. We're talking about coming back up here in September and shooting a moose. Boom! Blast one in the face! All right.

39:38We love you guys, and we'll talk soon. Bye. Big kiss. Mwah. Big kiss. Mwah. Big kiss. Mwah. Big kiss. Mwah. Big kiss. Mwah. Big kiss.