Iliza Shlesinger

00:00Experience That's the best way for us to do commercials We figured out Was I in that commercial? Mm-hmm Okay Dude, you were fucking awesome in it I thought we were That was one of your best pieces I'm gonna submit that to the Tonight Show That's what I said You could do that, I bet It's a solid piece Yeah, it was a solid piece It was a solid piece Give it to Russ Liza Liza Schlesinger, professional stand-up comedian Yeah Yeah, we all share a camaraderie You know, it's funny Comics, you know Like when you meet someone that's a comic We all share this kind of weird thing Like I did the Rosie O'Donnell Show Really? Yeah, people are like Why did you want to do the Rosie O'Donnell Show? And I'd be like Because she's a comic You know what I mean? Mm-hmm Like we all share We share something, you know Tell us about that What was that like? She was very nice And we got to talk to her for a short period of time

00:53We sat down for about an hour Mm-hmm And we talked about She talked a little bit about the government She had a really good point About how people look at the government Like it's a benevolent father And I absolutely agree with that I totally agree with that Yeah, and she was You know, she's like really She stuck her neck out When she was on that show Like a chicken? Like You know, when she was on the view You mean literally? Yeah, well she got in trouble in the view I mean, I'm sorry She got in trouble in the view Because she was She was talking about 9-11 And she was talking about Tower 7 And if you don't know this There's three towers fell On September 11 And two of them Obviously got hit by planes But one of them Just went down One of them just went down Yeah And there's crazy conspiracy theories That say that it was a controlled demolition Now I Am the first person to tell you I am no engineer I have no idea

01:43How buildings are built Or what their tolerances are But if I saw a building like that And I You know, I saw it just catch on fire And it had some holes in it and shit But it just fell like that Yeah I'd be like Bitch, how'd you build this? How the fuck did you build this? You know? Come on, man Really? What kind of shitty work She was saying it was designed to go down Like it was part of a She was saying it was A lot of people believe It's a controlled demolition Conspiracy I don't think necessarily She is saying that it is or it isn't And I certainly am not I don't know I don't understand it You know what I believe more? It was a controlled demolition Yes But was it by us? Yes Oh, yeah I mean, I think that's always been the case Of the argument They don't think it was done by the terrorists Right They think See I mean, no, no The building tower The terrorists No, what if the terrorists Oh, if they did a controlled demolition?

02:31Yeah It wasn't Like if somehow they had Terror Because I mean It could be Terrorists probably could easily I think that would probably be Before hijacking planes And flying them into buildings Before that would be Putting a bomb in a building Yeah See, but it's not that easy See, like When you see what happened In Oklahoma City That was multiple bombs You know In Oklahoma City They actually There was all these reports Of the FBI Removing bombs From the building Like that didn't explode And if you talk to These guys that are demolition experts They say There's no way That was a fertilizer bomb There's no fucking way Right Like they said That if you look At the amount of damage That did And look at where The blast radius is from The way it blows out It doesn't blow It doesn't They're not designed to You're saying Yeah Yeah Yeah Because we've all seen The loose change Where you watch the lights Go off around the building Yeah

03:20Like one floor by one It's like And it just Yeah, but see They don't See, they don't know What that means though That also could be If the ceiling is coming in And slamming into the floor All the windows would do that They don't know That that's explosions If it really was collapsing like that See, no one's ever seen A building collapse like that That's true When they say That those are blips And those are squibs I don't like that Because then I'm saying You're saying you know for sure What that is And I'm saying the fuck you do I don't know Even the Someone's got to Just because Someone has to know I'm not saying it was us I'm not saying it was an inside job It just seems odd Ergonomically That you would design a building That if impacted At a certain point The entire thing would demolish Like what Structurally What purpose does that serve? Well, yeah The weird Well, it could just be incompetence That's possible

04:09If you look at humans That's our most likely option, right? I mean, when did they make The World Trade Center? It's a fucking long ass time ago To get so cocky To build a building That's a hundred god damn stories high Right And how long did they think That was going to stay up there for? You know, what if it started Falling apart and rotting? What if it was just a Just a wonky piece of shit By the time it got hit by those planes? Yeah, that's totally true I mean Yeah, this fucking thing was old as shit That thing was around That was black and white television The Jessica Lange King Kong movie It could have retrofitted it I mean Yeah, but what's retrofitting? Retrofitting The cheapest God damn floors And the cheapest Bitter You know, to do that How many floors was The World Trade Center? I always retrofitted it with bombs Maybe Well, that's the crazy idea What we're saying about Building 7 Or the other building

04:51The terrorists could have done it I mean, I guess they could have But how the fuck Are they going to get in there And put all those explosives in? It's like It takes a lot One dynamite up a time Those red sticks of dynamite One up a time Up your ass And you're working The fucking thing Five years Every day You're fucking putting it Into this closet That's so funny Dude, that would be hilarious And back then They didn't have security They didn't have it for that Yeah You're walking down the hallway And you just smell shit You're like Open this door What's in this? It just smells like shit And it says Shitty dynamite sticks I ain't touching that Dynamite sticks It's like a fucking log house Built with shit And dynamite sticks Yeah And little hairs And a pee mattress A cat pee mattress Well, the idea was that You know That somebody had to do something In Oklahoma City And that's what she said On The View Well, what she said on The View

05:40Was it was the only building In history that collapsed Skyscraper that wasn't hit by a plane It wasn't hit by a plane No, no, no Tower 7 wasn't Oh, building 7 Yeah And it was the only building In history Skyscraper of its kind That fell from a fire And she's right I don't know if it means anything It could be incompetence It could be just some crazy coincidence That it actually did fall apart Like a controlled demolition Even though it wasn't A controlled demolition It could be I don't know, man I think there's so much chaos Involved in any sort of Catastrophic situation like that And all these reports We heard explosions in the building Right Do you really remember What you saw? For sure? There's no How much nuttiness You know what I mean? It's a lot of nuttiness going on When Right after something like that happens You might want to remember Something from before You must be so jolted From that sort of a situation

06:29That after it's over You know I would imagine There would be Several people That would have distorted perceptions I do not believe That everyone Can handle Truly traumatic incidents I'm not claiming That I can More than other people But I I don't think Most people Can handle Like really crazy shit Going down And you can't trust A few people's Memories Well You've got to Take it into consideration But you can't Totally trust it I think You know The amount of trauma That contributes To a confabulation About whether You saw something or not I mean You can take those reports All day And I think There's that mob mentality Like I heard sounds Oh so did I You know But what creeps me out What always American people out And this is how you get Minor conspiracy theorists I'm not even sure If I am one Is when there is No explanation By your all powerful government And that's what leads people To think Oh the government Was in on it Because you're like

07:24You're supposed to be The American government And you don't Have an idea How this happened That's when people Start to feel unsafe And get nervous Yeah When they Like with Osama bin Laden You didn't take any pictures Really Not one I believe they caught him It's just odd When there's no answers They're like We're not sure JFK That's a weird thing You're like How do you not have an answer I've talked to military people Just straight up military people About the Osama bin Laden thing And every one of them Has said that guy Was dead for years Oh See I'm not off Every one of them I bet I bet Dude I've talked to I've talked to A couple people That were skeptical I bet that Where you would Value their opinion You know I bet they fucking Tortured him For like years I bet I'm talking Right wing dudes Man Right wing Straight laced That want the war Military guys Rambos Yeah And they're like That guy's been dead For years I bet his own I mean I don't think

08:21They're skilled I think Just cause you Put a couple bombs Somewhere These are not They're not using Biophysics To kill anyone So I think His own Probably friendly fire Probably blew himself up On fucking accident You know what They might have just Fucking crashed One of their helicopters And this was their Crazy cover story They might have Fucked up Crashed one of their Helicopters And goes Listen Boys You see lemons I see lemonade Here's our story We crashed the helicopter Because we killed Osama Bin Laden Yeah yeah yeah yeah We lost a billion dollar Helicopter Whatever Whatever We're gonna blow that up It doesn't matter Brave soldiers Survived that crash We got him But we got him We got him We got him We dumped him at sea We dumped him at sea Cause we don't wanna Make him a martyr Yeah What are you talking about Are you telling everybody You shot him What it's just In visual form It's not the same As you fucking Admitting it With your mouth

09:11The president Getting on TV With his fucking mouth And admitting it His mouth Seriously He's looking at the camera And he's saying it We killed Osama Bin Laden Like we That doesn't make him a martyr What do you have to There has to be a visual Representation of it Yeah That's ridiculous There has to be something I would have liked To have seen footage Like his face Well yeah for us Yeah But not for them Them saying Their excuse That they don't want him To be a martyr Then why the fuck Are you admitting You killed him on TV Why are you getting No no no That wasn't the martyr They didn't want The reason they didn't Bury him or do anything They didn't want there To be a site That people could go to Right But the reason why They didn't show any photos Is because they didn't Want him to be a martyr as well Yeah I think that's because They don't have any photos There's no photos How epic would it have been If Barack Obama He's like

09:54We've captured and killed Osama Bin Laden But before we did Our GIs each had a turn Fucking him In the mouth And we have that on camera And thanks to Flip Cam We have it all on Our YouTube page We're going to fuck Some crazy old terrorist In the mouth Just dip in real quick Your penis is very soft I know Dangerous I thought guys like to do That kind of stuff It was so disturbing Seeing that other guy Get captured and dragged Through the streets And fucked in the ass With a knife With a knife Gaddafi That was so fucked up Apparently it was a stick I'm good It was a stick apparently Oh it was It's like some Americans don't have An appetite for that Kind of stuff Like if there were A picture we wouldn't Have shown We're not We don't show Graphic things like that And our people Don't like to see that We don't like to see death We like people to die We're still on a view Yeah we want to Completely live in the dark I'm done with it

10:39I don't want to see it Ever again Well you can You know the real problem is You get it Access to something Really shocking That's not really happening So you In watching anybody Get murdered Watching anybody Get fucked up You have access To something life changing But you're not really there That's weird When you can just Access that all the time Because then you're Getting influenced by it Far more than you would In a normal life Where you actually survived It also desensitizes As a country We're desensitized to war We have all of our video games All of our media All this stuff We're like war Very few of us Have actually We'll call it Upper middle class Have actually been Made privy to anything Tangentially related to war And so it's very easy To be like Yeah we'll just send Some troops I'm like I've been to Israel Just on vacation And it's so fucking hot I couldn't stand it So just imagine Being over there Like with all

11:28Like we have no frame Of reference Because we're so Desensitized Yeah we're detached From it They don't It's not a part Of our daily lives Unless you have Friends and loved ones Over there You know I watched something On TV Where they're talking About the amount Of money that it Cost to air condition The tents In Afghanistan It's fucking crazy So much In Iraq And some insane amount It's like billions of dollars Two donkeys and a woman It's so crazy To keep the AC on Yeah They're just We don't even think about it The whole thing is nuts It's fucking nuts It's nuts that they Talked people into it It's nuts that it's Still going on too Yeah Yeah let's just Send troops over Just go We're living in a G.I. Joe movie That's what it is People don't even think about it I get goosebumps Thinking about it at all I don't know why It resonates so deeply With me to think about Our troops over there I think because Because you're smart I love my country

12:17So much That I just want Like I just love my country And anything having to do With that Look at this It's all standing All my I have way too much You should be in a Patriotic commercial Do you drive a Chevy truck I had a I had a blazer Everyone thought I was a Lesbian for the longest Time I had a Chevy blazer For ten years I drove it out here Look I think The idea of what America is supposed to be Is awesome You know I think there's a lot Of fucking creative people Here A lot of cool people Come from America For sure But there's also A lot of cunts You know That represents America As well Unfortunately You know The shit that we're doing The shit that we do Around the world Is just creepy as fuck But We also do I agree We also keep things in line We do It's better for us To be on top Than some Right Wacky countries Right And we're the only ones We'll take your land We'll give it back We'll say sorry We'll make reparations Not really No we do

13:10We're the only ones With a real conscience About it Where do we give land back The Indians We give land back To who American Indians Yeah give them some We give them the shittiest spots Where there's no deer Like Vegas And we go yeah You want to open a casino Go ahead Do whatever you want to do They don't need deer anymore They have 7-Elevens Well that Different Indian No I'm saying like They have convenience They can go eat At like a restaurant You don't need deer I don't mean like that Well I mean People always go like What we did to the Indians And I'm like Oh man I wasn't Yeah we weren't here So at what point in time Does the current Living humans You know I know they benefited From the shitty work Of the past I just trust Indians more You know You trust them more Yeah they seem more like Down to what I would like To hang out with Like Indians Or pirate guys Unless they get drunk Yeah Indians and pirates Totally Yeah Indians Pirates

13:57Fairies Yeah Have you seen the Jesus Have you seen the Western Sky commercials It's like one of those things Where it gives you money Before your payday Western Sky Oh It's like a It's like a check cash For four people Yeah And it's got this Like Indian drum It's like And this girl That looks like An Indian Like Native American Gina Gershon With a braid So you know she's native She's like Western Sky I'll get you off The payday track Get off the payday trail Western And it's so Fucking intimidating Whoa And she's like Sure it's expensive But it's worth it And I'm like This is the representative For your people Some fucking creepy Sexy Indian It's expensive She says that So what They take like A certain percentage Of your check In order to cash it early Of your soul That's like They're into that I don't know What they I don't know There's actually been Some talk that They're gonna release The photos of Osama Bin Laden And it's Yeah And it's like

14:47So awesome Because I'm thinking Like how long Did it take to make Avatar Okay This is about the same time They've probably got Some better technology That Pixar probably has Like we have this Whole VIP section That we don't talk That's so funny Could you imagine If one day There's cameras That don't just capture A 2D version Of what you're seeing But somehow or another They figure out Some sort of a camera That can actually capture Three dimensional video That you can walk around inside Yeah And it'll create holograms Like really potent holograms So you could actually Be there Standing right there Next to the troops Why they killed Osama Bin Laden And press play Yeah You know That's That's entirely Within the realm Of possibility If we can create What we can create Right now I know it's way More complex But it's What we're doing Right now Is already impossible To us You know I don't see Any reason Why they can't Come up with Some really Intense

15:40High definition Hologram type shit Like a virtual reality Yeah where you can walk around In the scene Like you can actually I feel like they have That universal city walk Before killing Osama Bin Laden They probably do I think Americans Oh fuck They would line up for that Just put that in Tennessee Somewhere Yeah It's like Call of Duty But better Fuck yeah But with a real ending Stop it You can't have it You ever been in places Like Tennessee Or West Virginia Or anything Yeah I spent Christmas In Virginia Virginia Like backwards Virginia Whoa What were you doing Having Christmas Do you know somebody Do you know somebody In Virginia Do you have a friend there I have a friend there What was that like Oh my god I went to the Appomattox Past Appomattox What's an Appomattox Appomattox courthouse Like for the Civil War It's like This tiny Went to a Civil War Gift shop Oh wow Which is not really A Civil War gift shop As much as this dude

16:34Just ordered a bunch of shit With confederate flags on it So you have like A bathing suit Or whatever Oh my god It's really like All small towns in America Are the same The more southern you get The less teeth But for the most part Most of America Looks the same Isn't it amazing That there's some assholes Out there That are still fighting That war Yeah right And what is it Heritage not hate That's what it says Under Oh They're gonna fight on the flag Because I understand It means something to them But if I'm a black person It's still That's like A swastika could mean peace And was it Jainism Right But to most people You're like Yeah it's kind of a shitty thing That's a very good point The swastika is a very good point I mean no one Believes that it means peace Who's the general of that though Like who's the guy in charge Of the hate Robert E. Lee Kid Rock Yeah He's from Michigan man He's a northerner Yeah it's a weird thing man

17:23Michigan is the south Of the north The north and the south Are still at odds In some spots Yeah they still use terms Like Yankees And Yeah they get angry at you If you're a Yankee They do It's very weird It's weird because We don't have that feeling And it's clear The conqueror and the conquered Oh yeah Northerners We don't have that problem With like We like southern accents Makes a dude sound sophisticated You know Makes a girl sound hot Yeah A southern accent Makes someone sound sophisticated No I'm going to pee a nap bucket That does not sound A man of taste and culture Who appreciates a good whiskey See I hear a man of taste and culture Me too There's something You're talking about a Georgia accent Southern gentleman as well Right Texas You know No I think the lawn draw now Thing kind of sounds like you Yeah I'm going to Walmart To get some whiskey There's a little of that But there's also In the dudes that are intelligent

18:08That have that accent It's pretty badass It's one of the things One of the appeals of Bill Hicks I believe That Texas accent Was fucking cool It's cool hearing People from Texas talk I'm from Texas I think Texas Texas is one of the coolest ways to talk I really believe that See but it depends on And this is for anything Where you're from Because there's a Texas accent And then if you're from Like Dallas Houston La Porte I hear To me it's this very preachy I just am reminded of my teachers That were like No ma'am You cannot get up Maybe that's you Maybe that's just you Maybe it's just me Did anybody ever do anything to you In Dallas And you drive through Just stuck in your head Like you know Like there's certain states of mind That you entrap in certain areas Like for the longest time I would go by my high school Where you're from? By Newton, Massachusetts Okay And I would drive by the high school And I'd be panicked

18:53Thinking that I missed a class And they're going to drag me back in Yeah And I'm not going to get my diploma And I'm fucked And I have to go back to school again That's what I'm saying Like being from there Being from Texas Yeah You're in print And I think of that teacher That talks to you like this We don't like Jews That's what I hear Did you ever have a teacher Actually say that? No but I did have a friend Who this is my really I pretty got out unscathed For the most part I had a friend who told me We were like best friends Her name was Summer And she told me One day we were like playing And I was like five And she goes If you don't accept Jesus Christ As your personal Lord and Savior You are going to go to hell And I guess I had seen a movie recently That had this line She was how old? Like we were like six Five or probably five And I guess I had seen a movie And my automatic response was

19:40I have naked pictures of your mother I had heard it Like on a movie or something Her mom calls my mom Now I heard a lot of us Said something inappropriate About having naked pictures of me And my mom was like Well to be fair You told Your daughter told my daughter She was going to hell And her answer Her response was Oh I'm going to have to talk To Summer about that She's not supposed to start witnessing Until she's older That was like what She's not supposed to start witnessing Oh my god So you think of things like that Not Southern gentlemen Oh my god Oh my god Well you know Boulder, Colorado Everybody thinks of hippies But it's also where JonBenet Ramsey's from Yeah That's where that went down That is where that happened Yeah I still think of hippies Yeah Mostly it is But I didn't think of Dallas In that way Well it's just It's a perfect combination Of Southern charm With money And a snotty attitude

20:37It's like the Hollywood of Texas Is it? They're the cunti people of Texas? Or can be I mean I love Dallas I mean there can be It's got a lot of money So They're the hardest partiers I'll tell you that I love Dallas I've had more semi-blackout Even than Dallas The whole state of Texas I miss it so much We used to do that Addison Improp My god Yeah With Joey Diaz That place was chaos Man And Addison was the only This is not No one cares But Addison was the only County within Dallas Where you could drink For a very long time Like in the 80s I think That was where all the bars were Yeah Like parents had these Like special tickets You had to have or something Now it has all the bars But you can drink anywhere Obviously Oh that kind of makes sense That they did that That kind of makes sense It's something like that Because it's such a wild place It's a perfect place For that improv That's a great club Addison Improv You know Ari Shafir's

21:24Headlining that Oh yeah Yeah he's gonna headline that Sweet I've headlined it Yeah You're in San Antonio You're not impressed I'm not impressed You're not impressed Well for Ari it's nice Well it's my hometown So they've had me Oh okay Do ex-boyfriends Ever show up at your shows I've invited them Really From high school or something Yeah it's fine Okay it's fine I don't think so I don't know Do you communicate With your ex-boyfriends From high school No But Not out of disdain Or anything Just one you know You don't talk to And then another one Is probably married Right It's not I don't have any relationships Where it's like I don't want to fucking see him I swear to Christ None of them No it always ends Amicably If I saw someone I'd probably give him a hug I don't know if they would Give me a hug But You're usually the one That pulls the trigger Always Always I don't think I've ever Been dumped Yeah Never been dumped

22:14Which is not going to make anyone Like me anymore Yeah What's up with that Putting up a challenge Yeah What's up with that What kind of dudes You picking Hot ones Hot Just hot Look at what you said Hot ones On shallow That's fine That's so funny No not out of like Oh I always win But just You know I mean But just you always win No not always It's alright Things come to a natural end Listen It's part of your spirit You're competitive It's not a bad thing You defend it It's harder for the person Doing the breaking up I think sometimes it is Yeah You don't want to hurt Someone's feelings I've been in relationships For a while Where I just didn't want To hurt someone's feelings Yeah And then When you're the one That has to do the breaking up If you're ever feeling Bad about it in the future You can't call them Because you're the one That initiated it That's like a dick thing So you just have to Keep it to yourself And be sad Yeah sad So sad

23:01So sad So hard Yeah Some people are not Meant to be And that person Needs to find Whoever the fuck They're meant to be with And get off my porch It ain't me bitch How do you fix One of those Domestic violence holes That sometimes you get In your walls You know where it's Like a humongous hole That you punched Yeah Or you kicked Is that something hardcore Or is that really easy to do Have you ever done Any wall board Yeah You ever done any drywall work Yeah I think maybe a patch I punched the hole in the wall Well you gotta be careful Because you don't know What the fuck you're doing You could accidentally You know You're gonna have to use A razor knife You could accidentally Slice through an electrical cord That you don't know is there Alright You should hire someone To do that Really You should leave it As a warning To the next girl Yeah You know what you should do Put a picture In front of it Glue some false eyelashes And fake blood

23:48Around the edges of it And just leave it there Oh my god Alright Oh I thought you were gonna say No Just fuck it Because it's in the back I thought you meant Make it look like a girl No I'm in a little like evidence Like as if a girl's head Just went right through it Blam False eyelashes It's in the bathroom Like that's the evidence You know A little subtle We all leave Subtle Subtle Nothing crazy Not a wig Is that an eyelash Yeah It's in the bathroom now Right across from the toilet So it looks like I have a hidden camera In there now Well you should put A hidden camera in there My girlfriend has that You know what you should do You should put a camera there Yeah I should Now it's already half done Put a webcam up And just let people Watch you shit Wow They didn't put the toilet roll there And make it look like A real toilet roll I'm surprised no one does that Allow people to watch you shit For like five bucks a month

24:28I bet you would get I bet you'd pay your rent Yeah I had that If you had people Like that's paid to watch you shit Oh that could be a good Not me People would definitely do that If they could If you could have subscribed To a 24 hour webcam That's only above the toilet You would get a lot of Especially if you're a girl Why not put the camera In the toilet To watch the poop fall Oh that's probably illegal Oh that's not Oh so you're saying Showing the actual poop Yeah Showing the actual poop Is probably illegal It's not weird But you can show animal poop Well you know When you get into Obscenity areas Like that guy Max Hardcore That got arrested They arrested him In the most stringent place In the country Which was like this area Of Florida That had the harshest laws And that's how They prosecuted him Because he was selling Stuff on the internet If he sold stuff To that area He's prosecuted By the laws of that area Who's he selling

25:16Just terrible Fucking evil porns Where he would do Nasty terrible things To girls It's like really Really like But was it consensual Sadistic shit Yeah yeah yeah That's okay Yeah I mean it is And it isn't Because these poor Fucking girls Like what He opened up This girl's asshole With like a tool Like this thing A speculum I guess it would be Pissed inside of it And then had her Drink the piss Through a straw Oh Yeah It's not like I want to see it But like Yeah It sounds like Something you'd make up Exactly It sounds completely ridiculous Well who's What did She must have been Addicted to drugs Or something Well I think You know there's some Really lost people Out there man And he's taking Advantage of them And it is legal And I guess it should be I mean I'm not The one that's saying That we need extra laws But I am the one That's saying He's a fucking creep The fact that you Would want to do that To somebody You know nobody Wants you to do that

26:09To them Someone should have Hugged him more Oh it was creepy man And that's just one of them He pisses in girls mouths I can somehow Know the guy Who could piss With a heart on It's really weird I can do that It's just all about Bending your feet And pushing it down Like you're pushing down I can if I have to But do you ever have to Pee while you're having sex Ever Yeah Yeah All the time I will stop in the middle Morning sex Yeah morning sex All the time I have to pee all the time Anyway Yeah UTI Don't have a UTI This girl was giving him Head And he He's got a full boner And he pees Into her mouth And it's like Falling out I mean it's a lot Of pee And then he shoves Her head back down And again I'm like why am I Watching this I don't know Why I'm laughing Yeah Because it's gross My girlfriend Has a I know that poor girl But if she was like You know Like your next door neighbor And you knew that her mom Yelled at her And you know You grew up

26:59And you know She was like that 14 year old girl That looked to you For guidance And I peed in her mouth No You didn't peed in her mouth You just And he got arrested You see her hit the wall Yeah He did some time I think he's out now I think I'm not sure But it was a really Controversial Sort of a situation Because nobody wanted To defend him I mean not nobody A lot of people did But a lot of people were You know A lot of people In the porn industry Were saying Good Fuck him He's a creep Like what he does Is gross Right You know There's a lot of people That like They don't want that To be in the same Lumping as regular sex As their Right right Well Beggars can't be choosers My girlfriend has this Hot oil She puts in her hair In the shower That's supposed to help Damaged hair Or dry hair Is she black? Well Is she? Kind of Is she black? Kind of I wasn't even joking Only in her heart White people don't use hot oil Well Well we do But not like

27:54Not as much as black people do Anyways It spilled in the She wasn't using it But it spilled into the bathtub And I stepped in the bathtub And did one of those Like seriously Like three stooges Like back flip Oh my god Head hit the The wall last night Are you okay? Huh? Yeah So that's how you got this Hole in the wall? Yeah so now there's this Huge bowling ball hole Dude you're fucking Super lucky Oh I thought this was gonna be About peeing in your mouth People die that way man The tub is actually A way that people die On a regular basis Isn't that one of your fears That you'll slip in the shower Alone Yeah And they'll find you naked Yeah Wet Heart No But it's just like Well you're supposed to get Rock hard right When you die Guys die You get super hard Like the hardest you've ever gotten It's called like The death boner The death boner Yeah I've heard of that And I've heard that It's only if you get Like certain poisons Certain toxins

28:43In your body or something Like you die a certain way I just wanna do That'd be awesome If it happens That's what I'm saying What a death boner? Yeah Was it in that movie too? That's the one The Nicolas Cage movie Where he played An Elizabeth Shue He played Leaving Las Vegas Yes Leaving Las Vegas The original title was Death boner And they didn't think That people in Florida Would like it Yeah It's not gonna sell In the blue states Death boner Or in the red states rather It sounds like A speed rock band It's awesome There should be a fucking band Named death boner For sure I'm sure there is Can we google it? Yeah I bet there is Death boner I'm sure My dog is ripping The worst farts Yeah right Absolutely I mean I think If you ask any guys Wikipedia Oh my god stop If you ask any guys You would want to die Of a boner But I don't think If you ask any guys You'll die of the boner No with No if you have a boner I think What if Here it is

29:39It's spinal cord injuries Spinal cord injuries Known to be associated With pripism Priapism Injuries to the cerebellum Priapism I'm not Okay Injuries to the cerebellum Or spinal cord Are often associated With Priapism Is that it? Priapism In living patients So it's When Some people When they're talking About deaths by hanging Executions Shit like that Dude's dicks get hard That's the way to go Is that because They've observed the effects Of the genitals Of both men and women Jesus Christ What they shoot a chick In the head And then check to see If she's wet Yeah The labia Oh my god The labia And clitoris Becoming gorged And there may be A discharge of blood From the vagina When you die Oh yeah A death tear Yeah my god It's like Nature's Hail Mary That's the sister band Nature's Hail Mary Nature's Hail Mary Nature's like Listen we might be Dying right now So just like Let anybody fuck us And maybe we'll get pregnant Bloody death tear

30:43Maybe it's because Your blood is already Your body's fucked Your body doesn't know What to do That's what it is It's a wrap son Wow Fatal gunshot wounds The brain Are there pictures? No This is just Wikipedia And some articles It references But it's It's actually a real phenomenon That happens sometimes Pretty fucking nuts Death boner Death boner Do you die Do you want to be wet? Don't look at me Don't look at me Don't ask me questions What kind of a Fucked up Do you want Why would I care? That's what it was Because you know All guys would want To have a boner No I'll tell you what I don't want anything sexual I don't want a coroner Looking And I don't want Anywhere in her poor Be like She was really wet I just want it to be A nice normal death Nothing like Freaky Does it drive you crazy That coroner gets to see you naked And do whatever he wants to The detective My husband Whoever finds me To be like She was soaking wet

31:36She was so turned on Because that makes you weird Because then they're going to think Oh she died when she was watching The Golden Girls And she was wet You're going to think it's a thing That's so awesome I don't want any of that Yeah it's going to be In your death report Wet That's so Under moisture Who's watching Golden Girls Because I watch it every night Before I go to bed God forbid I have an aneurysm Dry Medium And ready to rock So you're that Addicted to the Golden Girls That you've named your dog After No No That just happens to be A coincidence Yeah I just picked an old lady name And Blanche came to my head And then as of late I started watching The Golden Girls But this was I got her like three years ago Why do you watch The Golden Girls Because it's on When I go to bed I love it Good show It's relaxing Great writing It's like a warm hug to you When you sleep Do you ever watch the show Yeah I watch it all the time It's the

32:22The writing is so smart I haven't watched a sitcom In forever It's on a One of our like Affiliate Whatever If you had to sleep with one Which one would it be Mine would it be Always Betty White Why Why would you sleep with one Back in the day She was the hottest one She was the young Feisty one Remember They were all like 900 years old Well one was creepy One was like Quagmire That whatever Why wouldn't you want to sleep With Rue McClanahan She was the one That was a whore Yeah she was Quagmire She was a what Yeah That was her thing Really Whore Rue McClanahan Okay Betty White Played Rose And she was an idiot Bea Arthur Played Dorothy's Bornack Who was like Really smart And eight feet tall Yeah she was a lesbian In real life And then Rue McClanahan Who played Blanche Devereaux Who was a self-proclaimed slut And she was always Running off to like Sleep with some Eligible young man Right And you would want to Sleep with that one Because she was

33:09No Betty White All the way That was the Chrissy I don't know You liked Chrissy Oh Chrissy was the best one Who's Chrissy And the third one Please company Oh Which one was Chrissy She was the second one The first one The first one Suzanne Somers Back in the day Wearing those little shorts She was the best one Yes Definitely Would you ever want to Sleep with an older woman Like older I would sleep with Suzanne Somers Like older Like 60 Like dying Yeah like 68 Probably not Suzanne Somers Is probably that She's Unlock the secret To living young She has the book on it Alright Demi Moore On drugs She's not 68 By any means How old is she She's like almost 50 Oh That's different Yeah she's hanging in there I guess she had Some sort of a reaction You know Did you hear about that shit It was like Red Bull Or something like that That's what they're saying That's not what it is She apparently drinks A fuck with that She was doing nitrous

33:56And she did salvia What Get out of here That's what it is Where are you hearing this from You can't just say this Allegedly No one's ever had a bad reaction To salvia Well TMZ TMZ was reporting That it was Whatever Nitrous oxide Which could be true Because she had a seizure She fished Nitrous yeah But But that lasts Like 5 to 10 minutes I've fished before Now salvia Oh my god The police report They had They censored the 911 call Because of personal privacy And then they The police report Came out As that she smoked something So You don't smoke nitrous So I'm thinking It's salvia I'm thinking What was she smoking Fish on the ground for Are you sure The police report Said she smoked something Or are you just hearing This from TMZ This is TMZ was reporting On it So that's what it is We shouldn't really Say that though Alright then I'll finish it You can get the same rush From chewing 5 gum That you would for salvia Why don't we

34:51Just google it real quick Just so that we Don't get in trouble No I'm 99.9% sure Okay let's find out What was I talking about You were talking about Her getting Well I just I don't know I just feel bad The information is probably Out there Demi Moore You're saying that it was Nitrous oxide and salvia I heard it was Red Bull Someone called it a death puddle A death puddle The wet thing You're talking about Oh ew I don't like that Smoked And whatever it is You think that her PR people Wouldn't put a spin on it The media doesn't have An allegiance to the truth About celebrities So it's whatever they hear They're gonna Can I just say Demi Moore Show on MSNBC Right next to Rachel Maddow You need your own show Me? Yeah Because I said allegiance No you'd be great at it I would love it You're very articulate You got a great vocabulary You would kick ass On one of those shows Yeah And you'd be able To make fun of shit That's what I want

35:38That's what I want Is that what you want I have a pilot We're doing with VH1 I want to have my own Late night chit chat Like a talk show Yeah but not as shit Done a podcast yet I have a web show That I do every week Oh you do Do you want to be a guest on it Hell yeah Okay Of course I would love to I just sound off on Why people are wrong Every Monday What is it? What do you do? It's called the weekly news The weekly news Go to If you want to type it in Go to the stream As in water The stream.tv Slash And then put swimsuit Or underwear Weekly W-E-A-K-L-Y I've been doing it For five years Yep Demi Moore Stream.tv What is the rest of it? Slash weekly W-E-A-K-L-Y Demi Moore Has smoked something Similar to incense And was semi-conscious Barely Said the worried voice On the 911 call To get more help So similar to incense Said the fucking idiot Who thinks you smoke incense The closest thing To similar to incense Is salvia You think? A hundred percent

36:32She smoked salvia She did it in Ari Shafir Where she went to A different world You know I don't know if you ever Saw that video It was awesome Similar to incense That's Sage Yeah That's what salvia is Yes It's salvia Yeah And so she went To the other world Which you can easily Do DMT style Like I mean You can get pretty close To DMT kind of Effects from it She But my question is Is why did Maybe she Her body Like had a little Stroke because of it Or something Because of her age Because She's not that old man No She's just kind of Old for a hot check She's not like Old like she's in trouble The only reason is I say that Because after You know 10 minutes 15 minutes You usually are fine So unless the ambulance Is right next door We're totally speculating Yeah Yeah You're totally speculating Yeah Oh yeah Something similar to Incense does Sound like salvia Because sage The plant Sage is something That people frequently burn To like ward off spirits

37:26And shit And then sage Is the salvia plant It's like the same plant Okay Whoever was with her I don't think it's the same exact Would know what she was doing So they're obviously Covering up the fact That she was doing something That they don't want the public To know about No one calls Yeah With like Something similar to smoking No one would say that That's such a ridiculous Thing to pull out of your ass Well I just don't think They want to advertise That it was salvia Because it's still legal In most states And they just don't want You know To advertise it at all That's right That's a good point That's a very good point Because if it was An actual illegal drug They would want to know What that drug was Right And since Yeah you probably That makes a real That's a lot of sense dude You should be a fucking detective I know I'm powerful Got that You should just You should really For CSI or something Well You totally did the math there

38:09Yeah Yeah because if it was Anything else If it was like You know She was smoking cocaine Like whoa They would tell you Hey this is a sensational story Poor girl She's smoking cocaine But she's smoking Something similar to incense And that's why she Yeah Salvia can fuck your world up All you have to do Is look at that video Of Ari on your Or me Or you Talking about my face But when Ari was on your show Yeah Oh yeah When he was on your show On deskquad.tv And he did salvia And just melted into everybody Yep Yeah And he was cuddling up with Sam It was so cute And if somebody talked to her To doing that And she's not used to psychedelics If she hasn't had a psychedelic experience If she's not used to something And she had a bad trip And maybe she's on some other things Or it could also be That it you know Ignited some like horrible insecurity In her too Yeah And she had a panic attack What does she have to be insecure about?

38:54Well she's going through a hard time I'm totally kidding That's so cute I love when you do that I typed in the stream.tv the weekly But it says No not the weekly Oh The stream.tv slash Slash W-E-A-K-L-Y No the Just weekly Oh weekly Take out the the W-E-A K-L-Y Oh okay Because I don't have a strong point of view I got E Okay you crazy bitch I gotcha We did one on Monday The weekly news Powerful And so you do this every week? Every Monday we have a studio And it's a network And there's other shows on there And we've been doing it for about five years Oh really? Yeah I do it every week You know Eventually this is going to be a television station huh? I mean that is the future We Yeah and there's a He's got some The owner of the thing Has got some pretty cool things going But that's my little forum Cool Yeah Alright We'll tell people to go there Do you want to come on it? Fuck yeah For sure You want to come on it? Sure Boom It's done

39:49We just made a date We have a segment called Who should be shot Where we argue the lesser of two evils It usually has to do with Who should be shot The supplier Or the demander And then we talk about something Right So you can You can either You can pick which side you're on Wow Supplier or the demander For specific things For terrible things Like guns or something like that Well No it's more It's not as heavy handed Like last week I was talking about how much I hate chocolate fountains So who should be shot The fat fucks that wait in line Or the caterer That's like Ooh chocolate fountains Let me give you one I like chocolate fountains Oh Why is it bad? Strawberries with chocolate Is yummy That's fine But then people start to get into like Oh what else can I dip in this About my dick And it's just Gross stuff And by the end it's all Like there's garbage in it And chicken I think you're partying With the wrong people

40:34Yeah like Golden Corral Yeah I have to stop Hanging out with those people Golden Corral What is that? That's where they have A chocolate fountain What's the Golden Corral? It's a buffet for poor people Golden Corral It's like It's probably out Somewhere in the valley It's like a family Like a hometown buffet Oh like a restaurant? Yeah No like a What would it be like? Like a Like a You never heard of Hometown buffet? Or like a Bob Evans Like it's like a place Like a lot of food For a little money Right Not super nice I'm trying to think of Some names In different places Like that But like They escape me It's like less nice Than a red lobster Right Yeah Kind of like that Yeah it's like a Little bit nicer to sizzle And their big thing Is that they have A chocolate fountain Well that's not What I'm talking about I'm talking about If you go to Somebody's dope party And they got a Chocolate fountain Yeah You ever go to Someone's party

41:20That just goes ridiculous Yeah I went to this dude's party He had this crazy party In Malibu And he's like Some super super Billionaire type character And he had brought in snow And the whole hill Was covered in snow And people were sledding That's awesome You guys have that here At the entrance to your Little community you live in There's a big thing That says snow day Oh yeah yeah yeah Is that To make up for it That's like for the whole community No They'll bring in snow Yeah they bring in snow This dude had it in his house though In his yard He had a ramp built It was constructed Because he didn't have enough Of a grade for a hill So he built it up As a giant ramp Is it all the snow there Just for the party Or all the time Just for the party That's cool Yeah it was crazy He had so much shit going on But no chocolate fountain No chocolate So I was like What's this bitch At this party With no chocolate fountain Chocolate fountain

42:08And I think they've become So pedestrian Like everyone has them now Really I would have wanted I loved them with strawberries I think strawberries Strawberry is delicious Oh yeah It's not the same It's not the same You get When the Chocolate's like It's shitty chocolate It's made I have a blog about it So I don't want to repeat My blog Well repeat it Because I'm not going to read it No no no I'm just saying Like I don't want to I don't want to look like I read my blog And then I go It's so great It's like chocolate pellets That you can buy at like Like Michael's No you can buy them At the grocery store No not like that It's like a special kind Of chocolate It's just gross It's just not the good chocolate It's not the good chocolate If you had like Ghirardelli dark chocolate Some fucking badass chocolate And that was melted Would you be down No because I also Don't like chocolate You what What I'm tolerating Alright show us your cock

42:54Oh my god She's such a strange woman She is I don't like chocolate So strange I don't like chocolate With her dog Substitute for a child She carries with her Everywhere she goes Fucking hating chocolate I love candy Dumping men Undefeated streak Of man dumping She's undefeated She's undefeated She's undefeated Streak of man dumping And she carries a dog Everywhere with her Do you mimic nursing With that dog ever I wish Oh terrible breath I wish I could say that I Not only gave birth to her But that I nursed her I nursed you Look at I mean Do you Do you have the urge To reproduce I would have a baby One day Yeah If you could have a baby With that dog One dude that you decide To keep around That I mate with Because I'm going to have Just a stunning child Say listen You've been picked For your genetics And intelligence But don't tell me What to do Here we're going to Make a baby together I'm going to kill him At the death cock What is it called

43:50The death boner Death boner No What if you already Jerked off that day And he's got nothing Left for you What if he just Threw it at you And you don't jerk off What I'd like to have a baby Would you for sure Yeah I'm not I think it gets weird When you don't want To be the girl That's nagging your Boyfriend about it Or something You don't want to be The girl that talks About it all the time But I think You know We are genetically Predisposed as women We're maternal We do want that one day So I take care of This little dog But I don't It's not like on my mind I'm like I'm just gonna baby soon Get ready It happens You ever draw pictures Of what you want your baby To look like Or anything weird like that No Who does that What the fuck Brian It's so weird Is that what your black girlfriend does Between hot oil treatments Between hot oil treatments Of longing to have children Seem creepy as fuck If anybody could make that The most beautiful

44:43Of natural urges Seem creepy as fuck It's you picturing Some fucking crazy lady Sitting there sketching out What she wants her kid's teeth To be shaped like Some girls I like that I think You fucking nut Yeah well that's the thing man Some people like anything There's a lot of people That like all kinds of crazy shit You know That's one of the weirdest things About growing up Is experiencing the different things That people Not only tolerate But actually love And then you try to bring them up With another person Like get the fuck out of here They get angry at you You know Does anyone do that? I do it all the time I drop my weight I want my baby to look like Give me Do you want to say I'm sure somebody has For sure somebody must have They must have All babies are a little weird looking At first Sure They're mushy Well they're terrified too You know You look at a terrified object You're like Oh Jesus Poor little thing Yeah

45:35They have like dry skin sometimes Yeah Little rashes And you're like What the fuck's going on here I'm like Yeah It's very tricky man Raising little babies Is very tricky Keeping them from diseases Yeah I'm sure Getting them shots You know I can't even get Blanche Not to eat cat poop I can't imagine like Oh Yeah Same here You gotta watch them Every step Like my one and a half year old Is just now At the stage Where I can let her get Like one or two feet In front of me Without her doing something Yeah But they gotta be right there Right there What are you doing What's going on And then maybe Sometimes she'll be in an area Where she can't mess anything up Right She's wandering around The bathroom Like okay I got an eye on you I'll let you walk a little But you have to always be right there In case you're like What is this I lick this And I stick it in there You know They don't know They don't know anything They're babies And isn't it crazy

46:21How you have That desire To protect her Like it's not hard for you To make sure she's safe No Like it's a natural instinct People who don't have children Really have no idea What the experience is like It's so hard to describe I thought I could kind of guess What it would be like Before I actually had kids I would think Yeah It's probably Really intense love And you know It's probably really hard To probably test your patience But you know You really want It's not like that at all You actually get Love and pleasure from it That's what I didn't understand I thought Even like The difficult times Of raising kids I thought it would be Stressful And it would be It would be Something you would regret But you get like You get so much love from it It's so fun It's like You actually get It's rewarding And that's what I didn't anticipate That it's like The fun involved In like raising kids It's like If you're enjoying it You know

47:13And you're enjoying Like raising them And talking to them And hanging out with them And playing with them It's so rewarding I didn't anticipate that I thought it was just going to be You know Like loving And you know But difficult It's so much different Than I ever thought it would be Do you think you thought That initially I mean The fact that you're This is not a slight against men Like women are obviously More in tune with You know Being maternal and mothers And all that stuff So it's not about being a guy But do you think Being a comic Because when I watch Comics that are fathers Reluctant fathers Not everyone planned To have a kid I always get the vibe That people hate their marriages Hate their kids Right And so that's always the way I felt like comics Like oh I got this kid Oh my kid's annoying And I'm like Do you think you felt that way Because a lot of your friends Or whoever you would watch When you were coming up

47:57Had a disdain toward being A father Well I think as comics You know We all can speak for The whole group And say that we're pretty much All fucked up And super selfish Yeah Super selfish And fucked up In one way or another You know I don't know Everybody's got their own Little kink And for most of us It came from our childhood Right Most of us It came from You know Either parents Splitting up Or you know Being ignored Or weird shit That makes you Want Not all of us But the vast majority Validation and attention Yeah Sure And then the overwhelming Need to do it So much so That you're willing To risk your self esteem By going on stage In front of strangers Right You know And I think When you've been through that You're automatically Apprehensive As a Potential parent Of like Recreating that same Sort of environment That you had to experience When you were a child So you're really reluctant To be in some situation Where you You know

48:56You're going to fuck up The same way Someone fucked up with you Oh that's one way Of looking at it Okay That is exactly How I looked at it You know And then there's also The part of being Connected to this other person Like responsible for them Not the baby The other person That you mate with Oh Because you have to Choose that wisely Because I have friends That have had babies With fucking crazy people Yeah And their life is chaos Their life is craziness And the woman Is constantly fucking with them And trying to make them jealous And doing horrible things And saying bad things To the kids And it's just constant chaos You know And then he's got to Always deal with the ex The new boyfriends And all these new guys That are around his kids Like I've seen people That have That have had kids With the wrong person Yeah And it's just been a disaster So there's that too You know It's so weird Because in my early 20s Like that's when you

49:46You know You're on your own For the first time And you're whatever Out in Hollywood In we'll say L.A. And I would watch These male comics And a lot of them And I'm sure you and I Know several We have several in common Where some guy Probably in his 40s Just effed some woman And she happened to be The one that stuck around So now he's married Yeah And he's like You never hear him Talk about his wife He kind of doesn't like her Yeah Or he like Had sex with a crazy girl And now they have a kid Yeah And he likes the kid But he hates the woman And I think men get to dictate The way society feels about marriage Because just being the stronger Of the sexes And whatever guys like Is always like the cooler thing Girls are always No one ever wants to do The girl stuff What do you mean by that? Like women always want to wear Men's clothing Women want to go where the guys are Oh I see It's always like guys You know Girls always want to be part

50:32Of the boys club No guys knocking down the door To get in the girls club Yeah Women like to be part of the You know We want our comedy is You know Like male centric And everything we do We want to be one of the guys And taken seriously like men So the view on kids and marriage You At least as a comic I'm watching them And they seem so unhappy So it all of a sudden Becomes like Uncool to have a baby And that's I've noticed a lot of girls Saying things like I don't want to have kids I don't want to get married I don't want to be in a relationship The fuck you don't You have to Of course you do It's just become the thing du jour To say that you don't want that Because women think Men find it more attractive Oh wow How many women Are running that game So many Just running around Pretending they don't want relationships That or they think they don't I mean I host a dating show Right And I hear girls all the time And I'm looking at it

51:19You're a skank whore Like I'm looking at your eyeliner job Like I can tell That you suck dick a lot Sorry Eyeliner tells you That they suck a lot of kids Yeah It depends the way you apply it Will you write a book I'd love to For the rest of us Just so you can tell You're going to wear like white eyeliner You're Let's get serious Really Okay Girl with white eyeliner White eyeliner She'll suck your dick Lashes That sounds like Joey Diaz Lashes depends It depends on the way of your makeup But I can tell By what you're wearing I can tell Okay And then you hear them And they're like I don't want a relationship I don't want a guy checking up on me You want the right guy You're not immune to it Right And you say that Because you want to Like draw the guy in Like oh I'm totally cool I'm totally Oh that's what it is No woman I mean I like my space But I would be upset If the man I was dating Like never called me Yeah right That'd be weird So

52:07But it's not necessarily Do you live with dudes? Yes How many? At a time? No I had a boyfriend We lived together When I was 25 For about a year And then I had a boyfriend Who visited for a summer And then I have a boyfriend Who's from So months on end But never like We both signed the lease And That kills it When you're young When you're young You get so You should never do that When you're like 20 No I did that When I was 21 It totally killed our relationship I really loved her before that She was fun Living together though I was like oh This is a disaster I guess it depends on the girl I probably am the messier Like I tend to date guys That are opposite me So I enjoy Living with someone Because it's nice to have someone To hang out with And talk to That's nice If you find a good person But it's very difficult to do When you're 20 20, 21 You're still a fucking child You don't even know how crazy you are Until you live with somebody

53:02Totally And then they let you know How crazy you are You're like oh yeah I'm fucking crazy I've done it as of late And it's great Because then Like as a girl If you like to bake Then you can bake for them And you don't have to eat it Because guys will eat anything Wow You like to bake And not eat things I like to I love baking It's cathartic Wow I have It's so fascinating Listening to your point of view As an intelligent woman Explain to us The traps The chicks set up That we already suspected We all knew it Right We've had these conversations With ourselves I go dude Tell me When a girl says to you I don't want a relationship What are you thinking She's telling you We can fuck That's what she said It means two things She probably doesn't Like if you're You may be gone on a couple times She's like I'm just not ready She doesn't like you Right She's not into you Or it's a lure If she likes you And she's like no I'm totally cool

53:47Like she might be a cool girl But she does want a relationship No girl wants to Be cool with you Just like sleeping with other girls And stuff like that And if she does She's got dad issues What about girls Where it's the one hot girl That has all these guy friends Oh I can't do that You know those girls That's the worst That's a weird one I'm a tomboy That is what I wrote My Cosmo article on I have that in there Oh really Yeah First of all We both are really together Yeah right Speaking as the girl Who has always been the tomboy And always had guy friends Right When you have Like a serious Significant other It takes the place Of the relationship You form with a lot of guys You don't need Because you have that Male influence in your life You don't You can't just ditch your friends You seem to need it More than most You're very aggressive I know Yeah What's that about You're womanly You're not like Like dykey But you're very aggressive

54:40Yeah What is that about I don't know But it's a warm Friendly aggression Yeah Like I never feel creepy Around you You're always friendly But like I can tell That you're like Like a friendly animal Yeah well you're like You would have been A good competitor In something athletic I know If I wasn't afraid Of getting punched in the face I could have been A really good fighter Oh well you just Gotta learn jujitsu Get a good clinch High guard Do video game And start slowly With a good trainer I'm not that How old are you now I'm 28 Damn it's not too late You can still get in there Not even Mario Kart No I don't do video games I don't care Are you strong I'm really strong Really I'm not stronger than you Yeah but I'm a man You don't have to Fight guys that are men I don't know We're not in the same Weight class either Can I punch Yes Yeah I've never had to Pretty confident You could If somebody taught you How to do it You could throw

55:24I could kill my dog If I wanted to Kill your dog Your dog's just tiny I could kill my dog And your cat Whoa I bet your kid Killed my cat Not the male No I bet he would Fuck you up I would I actually wanted To take a class I bet you would Think you'd kill him Until you grabbed him And they start Once they bite you We're such pussies If a cat was trying To kill you If a cat was like Trying to kill you A cat You think so No not a cat Stop If he got a hold Of your neck Yeah What if he got a hold Of your neck And then you Pile drive it Into the concrete Yeah but what if You're both dead What if you're both dead Fatality You get a boner And you're gone It's a wrap Fuck the cat I would take I should have asked I want to take Like a class I would go Maybe I'll tape it I'll go I want to take Like one Maybe like a boxing class Well no If you don't tape it What you want to do Is you Especially in the beginning You need someone To stand with you

56:12And adjust things Like adjust your shoulders Adjust your hand position Because especially In the beginning It's very important That you learn With proper technique Because the foundation The principles that you learn The habits that you form In the beginning A lot of times They stick with guys And they get really good So when they get tired They go back to Like their shitty technique Okay So you have to learn Correctly from the beginning You don't want to have To correct yourself So you're thinking While you're out there So from the beginning You only want to do it One way The correct way Okay So if you really want To learn how to do it Where do you live Well don't tell me on the air I live in Hollywood Touch it What the fuck are you doing They're gonna find you man Why do you live In the devil's ball sack Why do you live right there Just because you live In like a really nice neighborhood Yeah but like Hollywood's taking it dirty

56:55Like I'm surprised That you're not Where do you live Like Burbank With your cat pee mattress Burbank Burbank Get out of here What exactly If the valley is Satan's butthole Burbank is like In his butthole Good one why Burbank is a nice place Hollywood is It's relaxing I don't have to worry About people Fucking peeing on me How much is your rent A month Two bedroom apartment Is $1400 See I don't have a rent I have a mortgage Yeah but I have a Oh you own a place Oh yeah You bought a place In Hollywood Did you get a condo Or a It's a condo It's a condo That's not bad Why do you say like I don't know Smart It's fine And the area's getting better It is hood Like it is ghetto Somebody had It was one of those TV shows They show the insides Of people's houses And like Paris Hilton Or someone famous Like that Might not have been her But someone had One of those apartments On Wilshire You know those penthouses On Wilshire Boulevard Where they have like

57:49Valets They have like 24 hour concierge Yeah where your Grandparents Like the older Like all the way To Santa Monica On the way to Santa Monica Yeah like those Really nice ones Yeah those super duper Luxury apartments Yeah This was the dopest view Like I didn't know What kind of view These there's no views Like this in LA And it's so high That you know You're way up there In this tower Looking over the city I'm like wow I'm not really into Living in the city But if I was This would be the shit Batman style That area's great I feel like it's Where your grandparents Live though Fucking fast man I would want to have An office in that place I looked at it And the thing I thought of I was like I would want to buy One of those apartments And use it as an office That'd be amazing But they're really expensive They're stupid It's on the west side They're like 20 million bucks Or something crazy It's on the west side Is that bad

58:31Why is the west side bad There's no comedy clubs Over there That's true There's no I mean for the most part Everything I need Is in Hollywood That kind of dictated Where I bought something I like to be close You have the luxury Of living farther out You have a bit more Control over your career Than I do Right you have to go Into Hollywood all the time I go I mean I do shows Almost every night You have your gig set Like you don't You're not auditioning Like a crazy person I moved out here Burbank 10 minute drive I moved out here A long time ago Gross Why Burbank It's not cool It's not living to be cool I'm living just to have a quiet I can go in my backyard And be quiet at night I can You have a backyard I can have parking everywhere I have a backyard I don't Fenced in Okay cool So you can just plan your funeral now Plan your funeral now What are you talking about I go to Hollywood It takes 10 minutes I'm on fucking sunset

59:22I just hang out in the sun Then I drive back home To my nice quiet castle No Why is that bad Instead of going Staying in the party You want to stay in In the epicenter Up all night While people are Torching your houses Do you like Manhattan Do you like that Kind of city I love New York Do you really Would you live in Manhattan I would I've missed If I were to move there now It would kind of be It wouldn't help me It would be like a lateral move Right It's not like I'm I always think it's so funny When It might actually be a step down Yeah because you have to Start over with the comedy clubs And everything I think it's so funny When I meet girls Like actresses Or other hosts And they're like I'm by coastal I'm like oh really Is New York just calling you Just every month You gotta go I'm by coastal No You fly to Florida Once a year To like visit your parents You're not by coastal I was by coastal For about two months I had two apartments

60:08So that's legit But it's stupid I'd fly back I'm like why do I even Have this fucking place Especially when you deal With the first winter You know And get a nice winter In California Like what the fuck Am I doing Yeah My whole family's from New York Really Actually I love it They're all from New York City They're all city people I mean they start there And then they're from Long Island Those are the very strange people Who are born and raised And sending In New York City In the city Yeah I had an aunt like that It's a totally different animal Yeah They don't understand They don't understand A lot of parts of the world They don't even know What a pizza is Or they don't A lot of them don't drive Yeah They don't have to Don't ever drive They don't ever get licenses Yeah That's weird So they want to go somewhere On vacation It's a real pain in the ass They have to go get a driver's license They have to take driving classes

60:48And learn how to drive And then when they're on the road Somewhere They're incompetent They really shouldn't be driving Because it's its own microcosm Yeah But I do relate to How aggressive New Yorkers are And how forceful they are When they talk I like that Because I feel like That's how I come off Do you like Really calm men Yeah Yeah You like dudes Or like sweeties Who want to rub your feet No not like pussies Or anything Not pussies But Just very mellow Very mellow You're very much The dominant Right Yeah Yeah but I mean I'm not like in bed Like don't look at me Turn around Shut up Get on your back Yeah they can be Like a quiet aggressive No you can't be on top But you only like Two minutes of a sex At a time I just get very tired I have to pee a lot You have to pee a lot I can pee right now Do you You can go pee Who wants to have sex For like All night Like oh my god You just don't enjoy it Wow you don't know There's girls out there

61:40That are freaks Yeah they probably wear White eyeliner No Like hookers Why do you have to hate What Can't they just be Different than you No Can't you just enjoy Your two minutes And they enjoy Their couple hours That's fair It's okay Is that okay Did a cowboy touch your butt When you were a child Those girls just Like getting fucked All the time There's just some Freaky bitches out there With crazy amounts Of Which one was this The one that You all left Your podcast early Oh that sad girl That sat next to you On the Ice House Chronicles Podcast right Yeah that was I walked in And you were like What the fuck Are you talking about Right when I walked in You were going after her I was like oh no What do we have here Everyone keeps saying They're like you gave it to her I don't remember any of that You were polite You weren't being mean I would never want to be mean to her But you were laughing I mean there were some

62:25Certain things that she was saying She was kidding on you That's all it was Yeah That's all it is It was just sad You know that That same That's like really obvious Struggle for attention By being overly sexual Right Too bad that podcast Never was released Yeah Oh was it That one had to go Bye bye It's on YouTube No it's good I always just You know what It's fun to talk about sex But I honestly feel that A straight up sexual It can be the lowest form Of communication Especially between men and women Like if all else fails You can always talk about How you get off And so when we go right to that It's like oh we're not going to Attempt to discuss anything Alright Sure Quit hitting on me But I'm sure Everyone listening Do you get hit on a lot By women Yeah I don't put myself in situations Where lesbians are coming at me No I mean like You have to have a fan base Of women That are probably lesbians Do you ever get girls

63:18To say I was like you And then I figured it out Fuck men Meet me At sunset in the bright You know I don't think so I have lesbians That come to the show Really I mean not like Droves but Would you have sex with Rosie If it was offered Rosie O'Donnell If it was offered No but I do think People are a little hard on her It was offered She's not She's a heavy woman But it's not like She's repugnant Like whatever She's very nice I'm sure she is I really enjoy talking to her I was really looking forward to I flew in really early Just to do her show I had like a fucking 6am flight She's I mean she's been around She's put in the work Remember She's nice Was it exit to Eden Was it one with the S&M club Or the Yeah I remember what it was Yeah I remember I remember the scene Where she was dressed up In the crazy Output Leather Bullshit And then she was in like The Flintstones too There is no crying In baseball She was so good in that Yeah

64:13Was that the one Where she played The mentally challenged girl On the bus I own that movie Riding the bus With my sister Oh my god The worst Hallmark movie Here's what Can I tell you My problem with this I lend this movie Out to friends I love that movie A three part Disc one year That had all their Shitty movies Oh my god I gotta watch that It's Andy McDowell Who I think is the worst Fake southern Like worst thing ever Rosie O'Donnell is retarded In this movie And what I don't buy about it Is that She's a mean retard And retarded people Aren't mean She's a mean one She's mean And smart And sarcastic What So it's just like Rosie O'Donnell But a little slower Oh no Like it was just Like she was like You want You didn't like her Really As a retarded She was like a mean retard If you watch this movie And it just There was nothing Her face didn't look retarded She was just like Bitchy So she was just She came off like a stupid person

65:12You know I think Yeah It's kind of insulting Whenever a person Who's not really Mentally challenged Plays A person who's mentally challenged It's like It was the movie Pacific Whatever the fuck it was Where What's his name Downey Robert Downey Says Never go full retard Oh oh Tropical Thunder Tropical Pacific I knew it was Tropical Pacific You went full retard Because he played Simple Jack Simple Jack Yeah Never go full retard Never go full retard Come on I mean it's so true Every time someone does But people try it Everyone thinks They're good enough To try it Yeah Even fucking Sean Penn Went there I think they do You can have brain damage And not be Because if you're retarded Your face will look different And their faces Are all still stunning You mean Down syndrome Yes Yeah I guess you can be retarded Without having Yeah well I have a problem You know Like even the word retard Has been kind of Extracted from the vernacular You know

66:01We're saying it We're throwing it around Really easy We're going to piss A lot of people off A lot of retards That listen to your podcast It's a tricky word now Where it didn't used to be And it doesn't mean Down syndrome Well it does In this Rosie O'Donnell case Well retarded Actually means slow Slow Like in music You have a retard Or retardo When things go slow So take it up With the Italians Well it should Not only that The fire has been retarded You know You can say that Can't you Fire retardant Is it with an N Well couldn't you say Yes Well retardant Yes But couldn't you say The fire has been retarded Because of the The gas fumes We're spraying on it The fire has been retarded You could say that It wouldn't necessarily Yo this fire is retarded Yo This fire is crazy Crazy retarded yo Retarded This is terrible Yeah Well I had this woman Came up to me After a show once When I used to do that bit About Noah and the Ark

66:59You know I do this bit About Noah and the Ark And the bit was That an 8 year old Retarded boy You could tell him The story of Noah and the Ark And he would have Some questions And so you would tell Like I had the best Storyteller in the world Who told this incredible story To Noah and the Ark And then the 8 year old Retarded boy would go Oh there's a lot of holes In that story And the kid sits down And just breaks down Noah's Ark I had this woman Come up to me After a show And she goes I thought that was Really funny Except the fact That I have A retarded son Whatever And I'm like You know I don't know What to tell you You know I'm sorry I'm sorry I mean I'm not really Making fun of Retarded people I'm sort of saying You're smart I mean I know We have to sort of admit In any Like anything you do That's creative Is supposed to be An expression of how You view life And the culture Right Are we supposed to Never use retarded people

67:52Because they don't exist Or can't you use them As an example But you know what She was probably laughing At all the other jokes At the expense of yourself And others So when it pertains to you We have to make an exception I could see How it sucks All retarded people And regular retarded people All retarded people Are sensitive So it's like we're now I think there's retarded people That make fun of themselves What I was doing obviously Was actually including A retarded person In my act And that's where She's retarded For being offended That's stupid I don't know man If that was your kid You'd want someone To know that it hurts I understand Where she was coming from I have a friend Who's a comic And she's very funny And one of her sons Is autistic And because she's a comic She not makes fun of him But she has a sense of humor About it And like her email is Rain mom Instead of rain man You know like she Gets it And she makes

68:42Not jokes at his expense But then he's very aware She treats him like an adult And so there's You can be one of those people That gets it And gets their How they fit into the world Or you can be weird And be like Oh well he's retarded So no one can say that Well we weren't talking About her son in specific We were talking about Me making fun of An eight year old retarded boy Yeah I'm saying The fact that she had An issue with that Is stupid I kind of see her point A little bit I stopped doing the bit Because I got it onto A CD or DVD Right But I would have Kept doing it It was a fucking good bit I love it It's a good bit I think that's funny Yeah I wrote something It was the point man I mean he was the hero In the bit Yeah he was the smart one He was the one Who wasn't getting fooled By this stupid fucking book Yeah Or coffee yeah Yeah I don't know man It's uh I could see it from her point of view Especially if someone

69:31Was being malicious No you can't I mean obviously Do what you want But you can't harp On the exception And That's true too Comedy's about generalizing I know And it would be nice If everybody had A fucking sense of humor Right If anybody had A retarded son Then we could all Just fucking make fun of them Oh Eliza How dare you Every time people want to like you Come bring it back again Your dog just poop on you And then you pet your crazy dog You're a crazy dog lady Yes Obviously It's fine You need to learn some Muay Thai kid Would you be more of a grappler Or a kickboxer you think I have a question You like to throw dukes on girls Or do you think you'd like to choke a bitch I'll tell you the truth Tell me the truth I think punching is more useful But no one expects you to kick him And take him to the ground On a Saturday night Waiting in line at Hyde It's true So I don't know I think I'd have to take An aptitude test

70:21Like a physical aptitude test To see which of my limbs Is quicker Right And then we'll just play To that strength What? Physical aptitude test To see which of your limbs Is quicker Like am I better with kicking Am I quicker with punching Like which am I better at Am I naturally predisposed to Well the only issue with kicking Is it takes a while To get good at it And you have to think about Yeah you're going to get kicked Kicked in the legs To do it correctly You've got to learn how to leg kick And you've got to learn And balance You have to have Really good balance Because otherwise Someone's just going to Take you down It's easier to take someone down When they're kicking Especially if you're kicking To the body Or to the head I mean I don't ever plan On being in a fight It would be nice to know How to defend myself In case somebody like Gets crazy But I don't want to get Kicked in the shin That's good thinking

71:01It's good to think that way Yeah you don't want to Get kicked in the leg Getting kicked in the thighs That's really hurt Or a lot of times You get kicked in the calf Like the lower shin Like the fibula The little skinny bone Is the tibia and the fibula Yeah The dudes will kick The shit out of the outside Of your like Outside of your calf You know what they should do Instead of having tasers They should have like They should have little necklaces With like little vials That are just like Filled with AIDS blood And then everyone knows What that is And so if somebody's attacking Like hey I got my AIDS blood Don't make me throw this in you Yeah no way would I not Ever spill that on myself That would be Yeah throw it in their face In their eyes and stuff You still wouldn't want it To happen right You wouldn't want it to happen But it's a little tiny vial I would take my chances Really By the time you got to your vial

71:42And opened it up I think I'd beat your ass I think I would rather have Be tased than have AIDS blood Thrown in my face Wouldn't you Someone dude unscrewing a vial No I don't think you'd get A guy with a vial How much is your vial How big is it Defense factor No just like a little You know like those little Perfume samples Dude if that broke on you What if somebody opened a door on you Yeah What if it's titanium What if it's you know Like a titanium Why But it's a cool necklace But you'll kill someone Like you You'll go to jail for that If you willingly Knowingly give someone AIDS Oh my god Yeah but if somebody's Attacking you You could just say You just threw some blood at them Why not just have A thing of mercury I'm sure that's better than like If somebody attacked you You're allowed to shoot him Right If you say Hey yeah he attacked me I threw some blood on him I think that's less than Shooting somebody That's attacking you

72:24That is The dumbest thing I've ever heard You're one of the silliest men That's ever walked the face of the earth You really are You're saying AIDS blood Probably is cheap And like a guy that has AIDS Could sell his own blood And make his own weapons for you And then that could help him Pay his bills for having AIDS Whoa Why wouldn't you Instead of giving him AIDS Give him something that'll mess with them Temporarily Like mercury poisoning You can't You can't talk to him No he gets this far He goes this far out And fucking spasms Do you have AIDS And you're looking for ways To make money I'm trying to make money He has AIDS I need to find my AIDS blood His brain has AIDS Only his brain It's only the part of his brain That forms sentences I got brain AIDS That part has AIDS It's a very specific form of AIDS It's this big Brain AIDS It only hits one area of the brain That form logical sentences Yes That part has AIDS

73:09Did you ever think you had AIDS? Over the time I had an AIDS test When I got health insurance The first time I had health insurance I was like 23 I was terrified And you're like Even though you didn't have it You were like nervous Think of all the girls You fucked without a condom Yeah Really? When Google first came I was living in Boston When you're living in Boston You don't have time To put a condom on I lived in Boston Girls will get angry at you Okay I decided You're not gonna fuck me anymore I changed my mind You had to just stick it in While you could You had to do your best As quick as you could Get away from those monsters Where were you going? Did you live in the city? You've got responsibilities Responsibilities? I lived all over the place I grew up in Newton But I lived in Brevere and Waltham Medford I lived in a couple Different spots I lived off Symphony Lynn I lived in Lynn Oh the city of sin You never go out

73:59The way you came in? A year I ate pie there Really stoned one night Whoa Yeah That was the grossest place I ever lived That was on the ocean The ocean was nasty It never felt cool To be on the ocean there It's not a nice ocean I couldn't appreciate it either I was 19 or 20 Fucking everything You have the AIDS No I thought I had AIDS once There was this girl That I used to fuck around With one of the girls That only had a threesome A couple times By one of the girls It was the girl from that And she was a hippie She used to be a hippie I ran into her And she was looking hot She wasn't a hippie anymore She has big boobs So we fucked a couple times Wait what? She had boob job? No no She always had good boobs But now she was just like No more hippie Now just a hot girl Yeah just a hot girl So we fucked around Back in the day They used to have like Webcam things And I fucked her on webcam You know thank god No one ever recorded Or saw it

74:47How old are you? 37 And then so Doesn't he seem like he's 12? Yeah I thought you were younger Not like immature I just thought you were Right Younger And then she didn't live in the city And so she got pregnant And then she came back And I had to like Sell all this stuff To pay for the baby hammer Or whatever it's called Abortion And so then I found out from a friend That knew her She's like dude She's been doing heroin lately I guess she's been doing heroin a lot now She's just fucked up And I'm thinking Oh great I fucked a heroin addict You know with no condom on You know and I'm like thinking Wow And then one day out of nowhere She called me up and goes Brian I need to talk to you about something And I'm like no No no no Bad caller You know I hung up Because my girlfriend was in bed with me Right And I was just like I can't talk to you And for a couple years I was like what What did she want to talk to me about? What is it?

75:40You still don't know? No no wait listen And then so then I went on Google When Google first came out I'm like I'm thinking Any kind of symptoms I've noticed I've had And one was like sweating at night And I'm like typing sweating at night And it was like Oh AIDS And then I was like What else do I got? And I was like typing something else You know like Headaches or something You know AIDS It kept on going back to AIDS So for a couple years I was freaked out And then finally I had some kind of Mole removed And they had to do a full blood thing And I'm like Can you add the AIDS bonus test to that? And I was fine But it was such a relief And then later I found out That she wanted to tell me That she didn't have Was pregnant She never got an abortion And that she just wanted money To buy more heroin Whoa So she had to confess to you Wow It was one of the ten steps Yeah that's one of those things Is it twelve steps? Twelve steps

76:27Whatever it is Yeah you have to Right the wrongs Have you ever dated someone That was an alcoholic? Mm-mm I went on two dates With a girl once It was really cool And she turned out To be an alcoholic The first date We had a great time I was like Wow this chick is so cool You drank on the date Or she didn't drink? I don't think we did No We just hung out And I remember talking to her I'm like She's so nice So normal And then the next night It was at some bar In Hollywood Where there was going to be A comedy show And she had got there Before me With her friends And she was Fucking hammered Hammered Right away Hammered And for some reason Mad at me And I hadn't done anything I hadn't done Like nothing I just got there I was like What's going on? Fucking Where are you Where are you Or something crazy I was like Why are you so drunk? I go What the fuck happened to you? And I go Where are your friends? Is someone here with you? I'm famous Help

77:22And she pulls away from me Your impressions of women Women are so gross This one was This one was And the Boston one She knocked the glass over And it was like The whole deal Stumbled Lost a shoe And I get her shoe And put it on I was like Wow I really liked you Like the first date I was like This girl is cool She totally was like Girlfriend material She was fun She was friendly She was nice And then boom The next night Trashed Just to the point Of like There's no way You could ever hang out With someone Who gets that drunk Oh god Because then it'll get personal Then she really will be mad About something And What's also When you look Real alcoholism In the eyes And they're just Floating around With the rest of us Like Most people that I know That drink Could not drink From now to the end Like Between us Like Ari Duncan Joey All of us If we sat around And we You know And we found out That one of us Never had a drink again And that One of us Just

78:22You know One of us Just drinks every night now It would be I would be more likely To believe that They would just give it up Like I don't think any of us Would have a problem Giving it up I gave it up the other day For four days Because I got so drunk Thursday I gave it up For four days Did you hear what I did How drunk I got Thursday I didn't even tell you this No Alright So I went to What I was going to say though Is that Before you say this though Is that That's most of us But we all do know One person Who's not that way We know one person Who You give them a couple of drinks And they're fucking gone And I didn't know it existed Until I met people in Hollywood I was going to say I grew up I didn't know anybody like that And you meet people In comedy in particular I'm sorry Yeah It's true That I remember there was this one booker Who was super cool And then he would just be Really mean to me I don't have any enemies In comedy

79:11And I never understood I'm like What did I do wrong Like why is he mad at me And I found out He was a raging alcoholic And if you're not If you're unaware Of those types of people Or how they act You don't know how to handle it Because I never knew anyone like that It's so bizarre When they literally change personalities And you think it's you Yeah And not only that You're actually You're trapped with a crazy person Like if you're having a conversation Yeah And they're drunk And you're like Whoa, whoa Well this person doesn't even see reality Yeah They don't even see reason So what were you What were you going to say I got Eddie Bravo drunk the other day Indian drunk Sam Triplett's Naughty show Oh no You didn't get him drunk You got drunk personally No I got it You got as drunk as he gets Yeah Me and Veronica Were going to the Naughty show And we both had an eight all day And we were like going to eat But we were running late

79:52So we're like You know what We'll just go for a bit And then we'll go get something to eat And I guess there was Somebody told me There was What's that moonshine there And I did a couple shots of moonshine But I thought it was just shots of vodka Were you on the nuclear hazard? Yeah And so I got so fucking drunk That I don't I blacked out I completely don't remember What is the alcohol What's regular alcohol? 100 proof Or moonshine's 100 proof What is regular alcohol? Depends Like what's whiskey? 75 I think 70 I don't know I don't know But grain That's grain alcohol It's way more powerful Than like tequila That's why it's illegal And people make it themselves Yeah 100 proof So how many shots do you think That represents Out of a regular alcoholic? I don't know But I had They have these old Milwaukee cans About that big I had three of those What? And two shots What I thought was just vodka Three of the old Milwaukee cans

80:38Giant old Milwaukee Yeah Oh I thought you were saying Old Milwaukee cans Filled with that stuff Oh no no no no no I was like How are you alive? And so I That night I got home And I was going through my phone And I was like Remembering all the shit that happened Trying to piece things together And one of the things I did Was at the show Somebody was yelling out Veronica's name When she was on stage At the Naughty show And he was like Veronica Veronica come here You know like whatever So I decided to make fun of him And outdo his heckling So I was I have it on tape It's on YouTube I was going Veronica I want to shit on your face But I did it Twelve times Louder and louder Everyone in the audience Is looking back like What the fuck Is this guy Want to shit on Your girlfriend's name's Veronica? Yeah So you're out-hackling the heckler? I'm out-hackling the heckler Why were you so inclined to do this? I don't know But the video

81:26That's where you went The video is so hilarious though If you look at it It's Veronica I want to shit on your face On YouTube Oh my god And then so then I felt That video's available On YouTube right now? Yeah And so I felt so bad That Anyways Then that night I went across the street too Where we always ate The standard When you saw his comment story And we went in And there was not There was only one other table In the whole entire restaurant So me and my girl Were eating there And the other table Was a drunk Japanese guy A big tall black guy And an Armenian And they were about 50 To 55 years old And they were wasted Just being slobbery wasted And the Armenian dude Staring at my girlfriend The whole entire time And like To the point where I'm like Why is this guy staring at you? So when we eat I go I'm gonna go to the bathroom And then we'll leave So I go to the bathroom I come back And he got He was in the middle Of this table

82:11He got out of the table And he was leaning on the table Freaking my girlfriend out Like trying to hit on her Doing something He knew I was with her He saw the whole time I was there So I walk up to this And I'm like Okay I'm wasted Blackout wasted I'm gonna act like A fucking psycho And this is how dumb I was I was like What's up man? Hey How's it going? Like I was like On cocaine Or like I was just like Up in his face What are you doing? And I was like Get the fuck out of here man And he's like Oh I'm so sorry I'm so sorry And I was like Don't make me fucking shoot you man You said don't make me shoot you? And it got to the point Where the standard The security comes up And goes Do we have a problem here? I'm like No man And he's like Here's your bill And I tipped him 100% It was like $43 I tipped him like $40 $43? Yeah $40 And I was just like You know Because while I was acting crazy I was just like Uh oh Security Here's a 100% tip

83:00And then like I come out And you hear the guy sit down And he's like going He's right I don't know why I did that You know Like I could hear him saying that Right And I go Have a safe trip outside Asshole Or something like that And then And then The guy's like Man stop Man stop And I just walk out And I'm walking out And I'm like Holy shit Let's get the fuck out of here But I could have easily So you played poker You played poker I played poker And I bluffed And it worked You won And the funny thing is Before I went to Before I did this I was like Hey let's do a podcast While we're eating You know To Veronica And I forgot That like the waiter Came up or something like that And so my I recorded the whole thing You recorded it You have the audio version of it You have the audio version of it But I am so embarrassed by it I do not want to release it It is Well can I listen to it I don't even know No I don't want anyone To ever hear it Brian

83:53Brian This is a beautiful thing No no no It's the most embarrassing You should sell that Miss or heckling The biggest blackout night I documented everything But you already admitted to it But you already admitted to it This is part of the 12 step Oh you should totally That thing alone Was like Listen bro You're like a little slut right now You're teasing the world I might release in the future But I don't want to You have to release it I don't think Come on You already brought it up You already So embarrassing You gave away All this information It's so embarrassing Release it right You gotta release it It's too embarrassing It's not You're crazy I act like a fucking psycho Well listen You felt threatened There was a bunch of men You know And see what's so funny Is that she did the same thing On ears I think I talked about Like where we were Getting threatened We went party downtown And it was one street From the shelter

84:38And we were drunk At like 2 a.m. Like walking to our car And with a friend That wasn't drunk That was driving us And we were going through What was like The homeless You know Where all the shelters are And stuff like that So the street Was just all homeless people About a hundred of them In one block You know Just like zombies Walking around And our car Was in the middle of it And then like All these people Kept on coming up Like hey Drunk It's like thriller Yeah it was like thriller It was exactly like thriller I've been there Yeah And so like All these people My girlfriend's hot You know Dressed up New Year's Eve style Like buttholes showing out And You know New Year's Eve style You butthole out It's New Year's Eve Where's your butthole girl You ain't even fashionable Yeah And so like All these people Kept on coming up For money and stuff And her response Like her defense mechanism It's just going And like Just like And people are like

85:29Damn is that girl on crack You know like So I think I did the same thing And I was so wasted I don't know You remember that she had done that Yeah That takes That comes from a weird place To be like I'm gonna act like a crazy person Yeah Because Yeah I don't think I could do that I think it's just Too much confidence Liquid confidence You know Like I'm just gonna Well you sounded like You were in another world man You sounds like You were so drunk You don't know What the fuck She already had her butthole out I mean Well that's what That's normal It's Halloween Cigarette butt hanging out It's Halloween If there's ever a time The butthole Will launch Will launch Yeah Blossom The butthole Blossom Why did you send me That picture by the way Of what He's like Can you do Joe's podcast And I was like Let me check Let me see what I'm doing He was like It's a 4pm And then I click on my text And there's just a picture Of a dog

86:13With a cork in it's butt Oh yeah And I was like Don't And I just wrote back I was like I don't like that Oh yeah Oh you can't poop I'm like Don't Don't send me stuff like that That's such a weird Like from A to B Like and now Here's Joe's address The time And dog with a cork in it's butt Well I've gotten I did not like it You know That's not real It's a photoshop But I like It doesn't matter But I love sending Random photos You know Like I asked Tom Segura If he's busy Friday And he's like I'm in Minneapolis So I sent him a picture Of a big black guy With his dick out And he goes That's unnecessary You've done that to me You'll notice None of us are thrilled You say this like You haven't done this To me many times I think we've all seen Enough disgusting crap That when I've been like I've got text messages From him I open up the text message And it's an image You can't see what it is Like it's at night time At a comedy club

87:08Or something like that I click on the image And it's a black guy With a giant dick And a white guy sucking it Why is it always funny When it's a black guy's penis I don't know It's funnier No joke This last weekend It was my girlfriend's birthday And she was turning 30 And I was like I'm going to be In a material center An erotic cake And what they do When you call for The erotic cake Is they take you Through the entire Order process And at the end Tell you how much it is It was like $200 And we're like Not even close For a boob cake? Why? Because a dick It's a dick cake? I guess How much is a regular cake? You have to pay more For the dick Like it depends on How much Like at the grocery store $200 to make a dick cake? To have it delivered to Oh okay But it was like In Houston It was so uncomfortable Because I'm already calling I'm like That's like a big And I had to get a black penis Because it's funnier For someone I'm like

87:50Get a big black penis On the cake And then he was like Alright And he was so over his job He's like You want cum? You want hair on the balls? I was like I literally was like Please don't ask me that It's uncomfortable He's like What are you doing? It's what I do It's what I do here So for $200 She got a black penis And I had them write Have an elegant birthday Yes Oh that's a good thing to say Yeah I didn't want to be like Suck a cock It's your 30s So I wrote something nice I think sucker cock If it's your 30s Would have been way better Actually Why would you not want to say that? I wanted to retain some Shred of dignity Save that dignity for the tourists Save my 30s Yeah I used to I used to always get boob cakes From my family growing up From like 12 on Or something like that From them? From them or for them? From them Like every day That was like the big thing My dad would get boob cakes When you were 12? Yeah 13

88:36And they were actual nipples? Well they weren't real nipples They were made out of like Hershey Kisses Or something Ew Like white Hershey Kisses But it would look like two It was white nipples Right? She's cold What? So but it would look like that Right? Yeah yeah It would look like boobs It's fine You know like I don't think I couldn't eat it I think I feel like there was like Jizz in the batter Or something I take that back It wasn't full boob It was the one where The bikini But you could see a little boob Around like in it Cakes But the older I got I started having nipples But my 18th birthday The older I got I started having nipples Moving up But when I was 18 You're 15 boy We've changed your cake Congratulations When I was 18 It was a black one Do you think you were ever molested That you don't remember? I hope not Is it possible? I hope not I hope not Do you think Something must have happened though right? When you were younger

89:21That you were trying to block out? What are you talking about? Because I had boob cakes growing up That is weird Why? I don't know Son we got you your favorite I get what you're saying The cleavage cakes There were cleavage cakes And then I think when I was like 16 It started becoming boob cakes And when I was 18 It was a black They do full on vaginas Like they had on the cake list They had like open vaginas Vaginas with cum I'm like who's like Let me slice into this This looks great The Midwest boob cakes were I guess the more accepted I don't know Social more Yeah Well there wasn't a lot to do there right? It was really cold I think just anything It seems like you know People that lived in West Virginia And Ohio Is that where you're from? I'm from Columbus, Ohio But I think like That whole little chunk of area I think people had like A sicker sense of humor In Texas I remember Sicker sense of humor? Yeah I remember like

90:06You'd go to Because they're deprived Yeah You'd go to these people's houses And they would have like You know little statues That were silly And there was a penis involved You know And that was like At your grandpa's house What? Your grandpa's house No None of that My friends had elephants On their parents' mantles Brian what are you talking about? You lived in a sad world He's like You have the boob cake Then you go cut wood You grew up in a goddamn Stephen King movie You know I don't know You grew up in a Stephen King movie kid Yeah I did It was a Stephen King movie Yeah That's what it is It's just that It was People were just not Had more humor Sexual humor They had more humor? More sexual humor Sexual humor Were there more I think you just had pervy roles Yeah It sounds like it I'm talking about friends In neighborhoods Families I'm talking to everybody More sexual humor Than the dirty comedians You're hanging out with here?

90:51Like what are you saying? No I'm just saying They were like I grew up feeling like Everyone had a Dirty joke thing Like everyone's families Had like dirty magazines And everyone's Maybe okay Maybe like If you find the dad's got Like some playboys And like one or two things But not like On the mantle Here's a fake thing Well boot cakes I think were more accepted Boob cakes? Yeah I mean I think that was normal For a lot of people That get a boot cake Or a cleavage cake When you're 16 Really? Yeah Absolutely I believe you I believe you It just seems weird to me Yeah Did your mom have to order it? No my mom would never Give me a boob cake She you know She'd give me Jesus Did you ever have One of your friends Who had like a buddy Who fucked his friend's mom? No Did you know anybody did that? Never Did you? Yeah Yeah I knew one kid Okay I can only see your eyes Right now Yeah I remember one kid Who fucked his friend's mom His friend's mom

91:42Was kind of a freak And I think they smoked Weed together too Well that's unforgivable And he banged his friend's mom She was a single mom Was she hot? I don't remember I was like 16 or 17 And I think he was a year older than us He may have been 18 He might have been like A year out of school And we were sophomores And he banged this dude's mom God that sucks For the kid whose mom Like that To know that Yeah nobody was happy Yeah dudes don't like that I remember when No they don't like that Yeah Yeah when I was in the Boy Scouts One of the fucking 18 year old kids Was hitting on my mom In front of me And it was so uncomfortable Yeah That's the squirrel That's one of the guys Who just got out of the Boy Scouts The other one He's flirting with my mom About the time my mom Was in her 30s She was still pretty hot That's crazy It was gross though Being a little kid Going what the fuck Just thinking some dude Wants up Yeah

92:32Boding your mom I would imagine That's awful I never thought about Anyone boding my mom That's probably gonna go Through your head one day You're gonna have to tell Some little 18 year old kid To get the fuck away from you Yeah When you're taking your kid to school I do now You don't tell him to take him Do you? Well what? Do you do now? Do you ever wanna like Teach him Show him what's up? No No Grab a boy by the hair Come here No Train him Train a good one I can't I really don't have a thing For guys that are younger than me At all And so I just get There's a PA that works on our show Who is adorable And so cute And I'm so attracted to him But not in the way That I wanna make out with him But I know he's hot Every time His name's Joey And every time I see him I'm like Oh baby Joey So little Like I can't I know he's so hot But I There's nothing I don't wanna sleep with him I just wanna like Hug him Right I have no sexual attraction

93:24Like I can tell someone's hot But I have no sexual attraction To anyone younger than me Cause it makes me feel so old Right I don't like feeling old In my 20s Right That makes sense Yeah it's not attractive I don't I don't And then Everything starts to hurt I feel so old as it is Cause I'm always so tired Well you're very smart for 28 I know You know that's the problem Is that a problem? Must be a problem And dealing with dudes And most guys in their 20s Are even dumber than girls In their 20s Because of testosterone Yeah Testosterone fucking clouds your mind And really massively slows down Your ability to accumulate information Cause you're just so busy Chasing pussies Yeah Especially when you're in your early 20s Yeah You barely learn a goddamn thing Until you're like almost 30 Yeah And you're a dude I get the feeling that a lot of guys Anybody Anybody comic that knows me Obviously isn't hitting on me Right Like you know me Right

94:10But I get this vibe That a lot of That's nice though isn't it? Yeah yeah it's nice You're totally one of the gang It's nice But I get this feeling that Comics who I know just from seeing around Different clubs or whatever That they're a little afraid of me And it's not because I want to Like hurt anyone's feelings But if you come up to me And you say something stupid I'm not gonna be like I'm not money I'm gonna be like What? And then they get nervous And then it's But I don't mean to It's just like Act like a person Right If you're gonna come talk Well some men are just Fucked up talking to women That's hilarious Anyway Some men are so insecure When it comes to talking to women That they fall apart And it so quickly translates to hate Yeah You know what it is? I realized it when I had a friend Who was an ugly dude Who broke it down to me once And he was talking about girls And you know I was trying to tell him

94:52From a girl's perspective And I'm like Just imagine if you're a girl And a guy like you Is constantly trying to fuck her Yeah yeah You know I mean And he said Well here's the deal He goes I have to admit He goes I'm not good looking He goes It's just I'm not So they're not attracted to me So I have to try harder And I have to force myself in Because someone will say yes Yes Someone will give in Someone will just be overwhelmed By his confidence But at the end of the day They get angry at you And for a lot of these men It becomes They just have this Direct association in their head With women With feeling bad Feeling rejected And they just want to strike out And that's where A lot of them That anger towards women Comes from You know Like my Twitter feed Or my Facebook Grown men And this is the weirdest thing to me I understand guys can be gross I don't fault anyone For you know You're so hard I don't want to fuck you

95:40Alright that's what people say But When I go on my Facebook page And you've written something like I want to fuck you so hard I come to like Something like that And your Facebook picture Is of you And your wife Like what the fuck Is wrong with you Like you just had Such an uncontrollable boner That you had to Ejaculate words on my page And it's just It's not flattering And it's Or people write Like really mean Like I've been on podcasts before And even probably today And people will be like You're such a fucking cunt Do I want to fuck you man It's just so Aggressive And you're like Why? Because I spoke Like men get amped For stuff like that Oh yeah Yeah I'm going to check my Twitter feed right now Keep talking Now you're really going to do it Yeah now it's going to be terrible You guys opened it But it happens You're going to get so many cocks They say a woman scorned Is like The worst I think a guy scorned Is probably worse

96:28Because they get rapey A lot A lot of men Especially dudes Who don't do well They do associate women With being the source Of their misery You know It's unfortunate And you know why? Because prostitution is illegal That's why Yeah Because if prostitution were legal There would be brothels And someone could take care Of those guys' physical needs I'm not saying That women should be prostitutes But I am saying There's some women Who are going to be prostitutes Some are just better And it's not a bad thing necessarily It ain't a bad thing It's a service to the community It's our idea that's bad What? It's okay to massage a guy But it's not okay To massage his dick I say bullshit I think it should be legal It would be safer It totally should be legal Totally It should be legal It should be regulated The girls should be checked They should do it Like they handle it In other countries You know We're so Because we're so

97:12I think we've talked about this Puritanical Yeah It's ridiculous By the way Grain alcohol Is actually 100 Someone wrote Brian D. Morton wrote It's 180 to 200 proof And Jack is 80 proof God damn it 200 proof I don't even know what that means Oh That hurts my liver Just thinking about it Smirnoff ice is 5% Dude Point fun You just said 200 proof Just stop and think about that I don't know I don't know how to comprehend that It's 100% alcohol God It's 100% alcohol It's like $43 in tip Oh my god What a fucking explosion In your liver That must be Boom Your whole bloodstream Must be like What the fuck Did you just do Yeah Woo You need to get a blood transfuse And just add some more 100 proof is 50% Moonshine is 100% So that's what someone said So moonshine is 100% I'm just reading a tweet Wow Yeah I've heard some ridiculous High percentages Of disgusting alcohols But that's the highest I've ever heard I've never heard anything That high before

98:08Yeah 200 proof I drank a shit ton Of absinthe ones Is 200 proof 100% Is that what it means What does it mean Yeah I think 200 I think it's always 50% How can you be more than 100% Yeah how could you be How does math work Isn't it fun to be a comedian And be fucking ignorant Oh Fuck math Most mathematic things I went to South Africa When I was in high school And absinthe was legal there And it wasn't legal here yet And you hear about The green butterfly And hallucinating Yeah And it's awful It tastes like black licorice Like it's not good I liked it Drinking and drinking and drinking it With the sugar and the thing I just got shit faced No hallucinations Because it's not made with wormwood anymore Which is what makes you do that Oh You can drink absinthe all day long You will not hallucinate from it Oh that's interesting Does anybody make it the other way With the wormwood Nobody They're done It's illegal In general

98:55It's like poisoning you Whoa But anyways you can't Like it's just It used to be that way And it's not anymore It's not quite the same as drunk right It's a little different I said The way I described it I said it was like a cousin of drunk See I just was drunk I also drink a lot of other stuff I enjoyed it I did it in Vancouver With the What? Like the hottest South African guy Whoa yeah Wow Did you like his accent? Is that your first black guy? What if he said something really racist Right before you put it in? What? What if he said something really racist Right before you put it in? We didn't have sex They get kind of racist You made out with them though I made out with them At a club In a bathroom And then we got kicked out Because I brought in the ladies We were going to make out You're a dirty bitch I was 21 I love it That's what I'm talking about So are you a horny drunk An angry drunk Or a happy drunk Sounds weird to me

99:37Why are you questioning it? Why are you putting that angry part out? Tired drunk Red wine drunk is the worst It is Can I just Well here's my dilemma It's too relaxing It is My birthday's coming up And I'm going to do I want to do like A full on asshole birthday Where you get drunk And wear like a tiny dress And get a table Right? Really? Why do you want to do that? Because it's my last birthday In my 20s So what? So I want to have a party Like I'm in my 20s I have a dress that's this big It's actually a sock And I'm going to fit into it Wow And I'm just going to bring A bunch of girls with me Can we videotape this? Can we just let you know What bar it is and hide? Can we videotape it And put it on the internet? Sounds like that would be A good internet Can we smell the dress The following day? Smell it Who are you? Brian But I get afraid Because I never drink I mean I just don't ever have Like a chance to go on party

100:23I'm afraid that I'll have two drinks And be tired and miserable Right Red Bull Vodka Well do you take vitamins? Do you take multivitamins? Do you eat healthy? I eat very healthy Sleep good? I love Red Bull Vodka You take vitamins too Do you really? I neither Well that's awesome I'm a cat That's awesome I have nothing to get up for In the morning That's good though That's good You're well rested But vitamins are important Even on a healthy diet I believe very strongly in vitamins I've had health issues That were corrected by vitamins Take them every day Shroom tech Take that shit son That's shroom tech immune That's the shit for you I've been Even though I eat healthy You want to take it with me? Yeah it's yours Okay I'll give you all the other stuff too You have a flashlight I don't want You sure you don't want one? What am I going to use that for? You can just practice I don't want friends to come over

101:07I don't want anyone to come over And see that And see that Yeah It could be a novelty item I get It could be what? A novelty item The other day I took a picture Of me sitting on my couch And one of my bras Was behind me Uh oh And it's not like a cute bra It's like one of these Like tan Utility bras Yeah Well you have rather large bras So do you have to have Special supporting type bras Yeah do you get a Sears For your bras? Sears? I'm not poor Oh look at the way you said that Oh my god Did you know Sears Is one of the few places You can actually have Like custom made bras If your boobs are too big For a normal thing They can Really? I don't have like Freak I don't have like Well one of them is Well yeah What about the one With your teeth? No The one that used to be Your twin Ta da da It's just bones It had a nose It has a spinal column It has like a little Wishbone in there And that's a little Wishbone and like a tooth In the nose It cries

101:59Imagine Well we could We could take it out But we might have To remove the entire tit So you had to choose Between this Wishbone and tooth ridden tit Sounds like rappers Yeah It sneaks once in a while Yeah that's a new That's my new group That's my posse This is my boy Wishbone And this is Bone ridden tit Anyways my bra was behind me And that was embarrassing enough That someone saw that I don't want a flashlight Sitting around me Why is it embarrassing For a bra? Because it's an ugly bra Because it's These are strangers And I can understand If you deliberately do it But when someone sees Into your home Without you knowing Like the fact that They saw that And I hadn't I wasn't aware of it No it's an ugly bra also It's not like Oh that's hot Like no one's ever Looked at like a nude Colored bra And been like Oh Is that to minimize Under your t-shirts Like it's just not hot Wow Right Yeah I could see that I guess If I was a chick Yeah

102:50It's not like Kids don't give a fuck Yeah they do You find sweaty shirts And shit Oh I thought you meant For looking at bras Oh but Coming over a girl's house And find bras You don't want to see An ugly bra A cute bra is fine Oh you're out of your mind I don't give a fuck Really Unless it's grandma Really grandma Lee By the time I get you I'll show you a picture Of an ugly bra I don't know What kind of guys You're hanging out with But any guy that gets Turned off by a fucking Bra laying around Not turned off But there are more Attractive Not that I want to I don't Guys don't give a fuck Are you crazy I understand guys Don't give a fuck I'm saying if you had a choice I have a different idea Of what's good and bad And what's nice And not nice If we walked in your house There's a bra on the ground We would laugh Yeah No you would But and I understand Guys don't care Like girls like Oh does my underwear match He doesn't give a fuck

103:33I totally get that I'm just saying If you had a choice Of looking at like A really cute lacy black bra Versus like grandma's Nude full coverage utility bra You'd rather see the cute one Well I guess But really we don't give a fuck It's all for you Most guys don't give a shit About lingerie Get that shit off I want to see your body I agree I agree I don't get turned on By you can pick your dog up Because I have a litter box In here For real Her breath does smell like I know Yeah don't have your dog Eat my cat's shit Come here That would be the circle of life You're such a strange person Eliza Slushager Circle of life You're a little animal That you take care of And bring everywhere Interesting Yeah His face She could be a mean woman Whoa Yeah she's got teeth and shit Isn't that weird She was probably developed To like kill rats In the sewer too right Yeah And when I give her her toys What kind of dog is it She's like

104:23She breaks their necks She's half long hair dachshund Half long hair chihuahua What kind of What is the first one Half long hair dachshund Long hair dachshund Oh I see that And she likes the apples That's a cool mix Wow She likes apples and carrots Didn't they make dachshunds For that very reason To go after things Like that's where they had Like long bodies A little short legs Just go in rat holes Or something like Wasn't that like Jack Russell terriers I know they bred them For that Jack Russell terriers Are aggressive little doggies Going after squirrels And shit Does Blanche ever bark Yeah Is it a barker She'll bark at like Squirrels and stuff She's not a social dog She doesn't care Like for other dogs When your dog eats poop Does it make you Love her a little bit less She doesn't do it It's disappointing It's like finding out Your daughter does Crystal meth It's like getting your car Broken into it Yeah But She's a good girl

105:06Look at I mean Look at that face I know But She eats poop And see that's what My dog does She doesn't actively eat It's not like She takes it every day Well she's not gonna Pass up on it If it's on the buffet Yeah You used to have a bit About that didn't you Yeah Yeah It's fucking gross You don't get like this With your pets I do With your daughters Like do you ever get This like aggressive Like oh my god With my daughters A little bit But not really With my pets It would freak my cat out And my dog's pretty big You don't really want him Getting in to do it No you don't want him In your face But when you love something In my act I talk about how I want To rip her face off Like when you love Something so much Really Like you just want to hurt it I think that's a girl thing Yeah Yeah that's a girl thing That's why relationships Always end Girls wanna bite your face off Yeah they love it so much They wanna hurt you I'm gonna fucking hurt you

105:53You little freak Seems like that's true though Like girls always Wanna hurt You Person they're with And me Well you might It might just be you I mean how many times Fake abortions Did I pay for What Listen Powerful people Powerful people This fucking podcast is over Eliza Schlesinger If people wanna find you If they wanna catch you Out there in the wild world What did they get On Twitter You find me on Twitter At I-L-I-Z-A Which you've already A lot of people I-L-I-Z-A And we We will We tweet this after the show We tweeted it before the show as well I'm tweeting it right now And what's Do you have a website At Oh it's just Eliza I-L-I-Z-A dot com Really How'd you get both of those No one spells their name like me Oh that's awesome Yeah Oh you're so lucky I see That's so easy to memorize It is but no one spells like that So everyone's like I tried it with an E And I couldn't find you Oh Where are you gonna be

106:45Doing your little stand up comedy routine I'll be this weekend At the LOL comedy club in San Antonio LOL comedy club in San Antonio Yeah I've got it Where's that It's in San What part of San Antonio is it Is it near the river It's off loop It's off the 410 loop Oh okay cool And so there's two comedy clubs in San Antonio now I don't know I think there was another one right Wasn't there another one Where did Pauly Shore get punched The fake punch incident Remember Yeah I don't Remember that Yeah They made a fake video Yeah Of a guy beating him up And everybody got so excited That he got beat up It totally backfired That's so funny It was really horrible man That was the first time Because that was one of the first Celebrity things like that Where a guy faked something Right And like It's the one where he's like Dude dude dude And then he punches him Isn't that Yeah Yeah The guy gets on stage And the guy's fucking huge

107:27And then the video They released it afterwards It's him working it out But the negative comments After the first video Like yeah Fuck that faggot Punch him in the face Yeah The things The hate that he received Must have been horrific Yeah To know that people feel like that About you That they want you going out There's so many people And that it was so accepted There was no one standing up for him There was no one That was going Hey man In the army now Is one of my favorite All time movies Fuck you You know You're the asshole Pauly Shore Makes millions of people smile Yeah That was some That's hardcore That was intense It was intense It was a horrible moment In your life Yeah Texas They fucking party though I do love going back to Texas We haven't been in a while I think next gig We're going to do Is in Austin Trying to work that shit out For the spring You probably You don't play clubs You do like theaters I do clubs and theaters

108:16See I've been coming to This one club in Austin For so long It would feel weird If I didn't go back there Cap City Yeah I did my first DVD there In 1999 So I can't I just That's my spot Can I tell you Like a really humbling moment I had at Cap City Aside from when a fan Brought a buck knife To meet me Which was uncomfortable Did he have it on his belt So you saw it It was behind him Yeah Okay And he came up He was like Hey It was very like What's your problem When I called And I was like Hey I'm driving over Where can I park And they didn't care That I was the headliner They're like There's a Hobby Lobby Across the street Across the freeway Oh yeah You can just park over At the Hobby Lobby I'm like There's no parking No Hobby Lobby I'm like I'll just make the hike over You were the headliner Yeah Dude that's not even true You know there's a back alley Where they always tell us to park They always park right behind you Not only do

109:03They wait for us too I think We're men We are men It's a difference That was very weird Maybe I should have been more assertive Yeah In general I should be more aggressive Maybe it was a Was it a girl answering the phone Damn Maybe she didn't know Or maybe it was like a night Like a manager that didn't know And I'm not the kind of person To be like Do you know who I am So I just Your dog's gonna eat cat shit Come here She's on her way Come here Go get her Let me see that face Yeah What were we talking about Cap City That's it You were saying you love Austin And I was saying I'll be in San Antonio Yeah But you were talking about Them not giving you Oh This is what I was gonna say Hobby Lobby Do you think that that's like a girl That a girl just didn't want Like she was answering the phone Like fucking female Comedian Thinks she's gonna come in Headline Females ain't even anything good I mean You know I don't

109:46Cause it wasn't even the first night No I think it was So many times We don't realize how A lot of people that Have jobs in general You were in a comedy club They're not necessarily Up to Like they don't really know What's going on It could have been that Or maybe there was something There might have been something Going on where they were Doing maintenance And you couldn't park I just Right It was such an odd thing And I As a girl It's so quick You're so It's so easy to get labeled A mean name Right If you stand out So I just Sometimes I'm just very like Okay No problem Did you hear that What the fuck is his name again That got fired Eddie Brill Yeah Who got fired from Letterman I don't What did he say He said What was it Women Something about how women Try to be more like men In their acts And that's why they're not funny Or something I 1000% Think that there's no way He got fired Because of that one comment Yeah Like let's get serious

110:35I don't know what else he did But no one stands up for women That much Like women get raped every day And people can still keep their jobs Probably just a bad poker hand Yeah Yeah but it's different When you're on a show like that Where you're the judge Yeah When you're the one Who's Your job is to discern Who's capable of being on the show And if you say something So blatantly sexist And so blatantly judgmental Like he's formed an opinion Yeah And it's one of the reasons Why women can't be funny I mean he didn't even qualify With you know There are some women That try to be like men And you know It's a balanced act It's a balancing act Which it is I think it's more difficult For a woman I think he just saw Some shitty comics I'm sorry Like a lot of them are shitty You're right And he probably just watched those tapes You're right I've never sent in a tape So I was actually upset That his sentence wasn't

111:19Except for Eliza Schlesinger She's awesome I genuinely thought I would be included In the conversation Were you upset When you hear shit like that Like someone said Do you feel like That that like gives you Like a ramp That you have to like run up Where everybody else Has like an even start I gotta be honest I feel that my act Is just so different Than every other girl That I just don't include myself In the same category As most female comics Why is that? I just do I just I see the audience I see my material I see topics That most women talk about Versus what I talk about And the approaches And stuff like that And I just have never Viewed women As the competition I think of everyone As the competition But I just don't I've never seen a girl You really do though You really do think of people As the competition Which I always thought Was fascinating Because I was a very Competitive person But I tried to never look At other comics

112:09As competition Because I think It's unhealthy I think the way To look at comics Is use them for inspiration Be inspired by them But when you know It's not like you're Playing a game Where they can keep you From doing it It's not like you're Playing football And they can keep you From getting the ball No it's not direct Competition It's you know You're smart about it I don't go online And watch everyone else And I don't google Other people It's not like that You don't ever watch Other acts? At the clubs and stuff And sometimes I'll go on And I'll watch certain ones That I really like But I don't do it Out of being envious And you know You keep an ear to it Oh he auditioned for that Or she did this Or that's a showcase You want to get I like going and Watching people online Because it gives me Like a charge I get like excited If I see somebody Good Like if somebody Sends me a clip Hey check this guy out And I go watch And it's really fun

112:52I go That's fucking funny I'm gonna write Like a meet I get charged up Like whoa I want to create Something cool That does to me Or does to someone else The way that did to me That is the way I felt The first time I saw Dane Cook Like this is a long time ago This must have been Five years ago When I had just started And someone took me To the Laugh Factory And it was like That tourgasm It was fucking Like no one else had that When did you start What year I graduated college In 2005 So maybe I started 2006 2000 2006 That's pretty fresh 2005 2006 That's kind of amazing You know So you won the Last comic standing You had only been doing it For like what Four years Three years Three years That's amazing But when I see comedy I like It makes me happy I never think Oh I When did you start Headlining on the road Right after Last comic That is crazy They were like By the way You're a headliner now How much time did you have I had 45 minutes Already

113:41After three years Just because from doing Last comic You just start building I'm not saying it was The most solid But when they tell you By the way You have to headline now You have one shot To headline And if you fuck it up They're going to put you At the bottom of the list And a lot of guys Did do that Yeah A lot of people Did fuck it up I knew that And I was just like I'm not Going to give it I'm going to make sure I have it Yeah Out of all the people That did really well From Last comic It's like you Hefron Ralphie Mae And a couple other people Right John Reap John Reap John Reap John Reap did really well Yeah What Is that Rick Ross No The rappers Ew What He sent you Rick Ross No it's just like Some huge black guy Wow Big black guy With his cock hanging out The big That is Forward me that Just in case I don't I might need that And he's uncircumcised That's really gross That's so gross Speaking of uncircumcised This podcast is brought to you

114:36By The Fleshlight We want to give thanks To The Fleshlight Thanks to Eliza Slesher For being hilarious Thanks for having me again This was really fun This was fun This was even better We know each other better Than the last time we did it It was much more Loose and relaxed I think I'm excited to go You're going to take me fighting You said Yeah I would totally I'll take you to the gym Yeah Yeah I'll teach you some Muay Thai Muay Thai I'll take you to a Muay Thai class Learn how to kick people's legs It's fun It's great exercise too It gives you like something Like It gives you something It gives you a skill But it also gives you like Something to do at the gym I'm going to need something To fall back on When the stand up doesn't work I bet you could be a serious fighter If you wanted to be You're very smart And you're very competitive All you have to do Is do the right steps You know Don't slack off Be disciplined Don't wear a bra

115:16Those are legit too Right Yeah They're not like No Bags of silicone Well that's good They actually have chest protectors Texas titties They have silicone These things Yeah you wear them It's like a hard plastic It's like a bra protector Sort of a plate Yeah I don't know how much it helps I mean I don't know What the science behind it is They've developed some pretty good science For the balls recently They have some new stuff Ball science Ball science All our best ball scientists Have been hard at work Protecting your junk They've been hard at work Hard at work Clang Trying different combinations of things And hitting people with balls With fastballs Alright That's the end of this fucking podcast Eliza you're the shit Thank you Thank you Joe Thank you Redback Thank you for joining us It's nice to have so many cool friends Yay We're so lucky All of us for real Right As comedians We're so lucky to have all these fucking cool friends

116:06It's like one of the coolest things about this podcast Is this big group of people That we have brought together And Eliza you're in the fold You're in there You're in the fucking mix Thank you Please Thank you Alright Thanks to the Fleshlight Go to JoeRogan.net Click on the link for the Fleshlight Enter in the code name Rogan And you will get 15% off The number one Sex toy for men Oh shit And we were also brought to you by Onnit Onnit.com Onnit The makers of AlphaBrain O-N-N-I-T Dot com Makers of AlphaBrain The cognitive enhancement supplement Shroom Tech Sport The endurance and energy supplement For extreme athletic pursuits If you're into kettlebells Or CrossFit classes Or Jiu Jitsu Try out some Shroom Tech Sport It is the shit I enjoy it I take it before every one of my serious workouts We're also brought to you by Shroom Tech Immune There's a bunch of different products on Onnit.com Go there Check it out

116:59If you go to my website JoeRogan.net Click on the link for AlphaBrain Enter in the code name Rogan You'll save 10% off And as always The first 30 pills The first size You buy Whatever it is First order rather If you don't like it You get a 100% money back guarantee You don't even have to send it back in Alright We love you freaks Tomorrow Joe Rogan We'll see you soon Yeah tomorrow It'll be one of the best shows Ever We could ever put together Yeah It'll be Little Esther It'll be Joey motherfucking Diaz Duncan Trussell Brian Redband Jason Tebow Jason Tebow And me All at the Ice House It's only like 15 bucks right Icehousecomedy.com And Ice House is By the way Run by some of the nicest people The waitstaff is cool as fuck The whole place has a great vibe to it It's a really cool Old school comedy club in Pasadena That's been around since like The 1960s I think It's really badass It's one of my favorite places

117:50And it's also where we do The Ice House Chronicles podcast Which is While we're doing shows there Simultaneously we have a studio And we do podcasts At the same time Eliza Slashier You've been on that podcast I have Twice Twice Once was a scratch The next time And when we do it It's really Your dog just went in there Go get He's eating shit Jesus Christ Anyway He's helping you out We're Whatever Onit.com Blah blah blah Okay so this Thursday night How did they get to it? Icehousecomedy.com We also have a show Friday Without Joe Rogan But a bunch of other comics So icehousecomedy.com Also Friday If you're gonna be in Vegas I am gonna be with Joey Diaz And Duncan Trussell We're doing the House of Motherfucking Blues At the Mandalay Bay Then the next day It's Carlos Condit And Nick Diaz Jesus Christ The fucking stars Have aligned It's gonna be crazy It's gonna be an awesome Epic weekend Between two of the best fighters On the planet earth

118:44And two of the three best 170 pounders In the world And this is gonna be chaos I can't fucking wait The whole card is nasty The whole card's sick And so that's this weekend Friday night House of Blues Tomorrow night Thursday night Pasadena Icehouse For all information Go follow me on Twitter Follow Red Band Follow Eliza I-L-I-Z-A Super easy And anybody else They should follow? Any friend you wanna pull over? Your Twitter's nice Oh can I say one thing? Sure Text from Bennett The Twitter account That I told you about That's hilarious That has like a billion followers I'm gonna show it to you Yeah explain it again It's this guy His name's Mac Lethal And he's this white guy Who's got a cousin Who thinks he's black And the guy Sends him texts all the time He doesn't know That he has this account And it's the funniest Most ignorant stuff You've ever heard And he's created this account But he is a huge fan And he wanted you to know

119:31Oh please I'm going there right now Will you send him a tweet? I'll show you Fuck yeah What is it? Text from what? It's like T-X-T-S From Bennett B-E-N-N-E-T-T Alright Alright Alright that's it Sorry the page doesn't exist We love you bitches We'll see you soon Bye bye