Carrot Top
嘉宾：Carrot Top
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§01Transcript · 00:00–03:05§02Transcript · 03:05–06:28§03Transcript · 06:28–09:46§04Transcript · 09:46–12:27§05Transcript · 12:27–15:37§06Transcript · 15:37–18:31§07Transcript · 18:31–21:47§08Transcript · 21:47–24:50§09Transcript · 24:50–28:09§10Transcript · 28:09–31:19§11Transcript · 31:19–33:39§12Transcript · 33:39–36:53§13Transcript · 36:53–40:06§14Transcript · 40:06–42:49§15Transcript · 42:49–45:37§16Transcript · 45:37–48:39§17Transcript · 48:39–52:00§18Transcript · 52:00–55:23§19Transcript · 55:23–58:14§20Transcript · 58:14–1:01:17§21Transcript · 1:01:17–1:04:04§22Transcript · 1:04:04–1:07:21§23Transcript · 1:07:21–1:10:02§24Transcript · 1:10:02–1:12:41§25Transcript · 1:12:41–1:16:44§26Transcript · 1:16:44–1:19:58§27Transcript · 1:19:58–1:22:56§28Transcript · 1:22:56–1:26:11§29Transcript · 1:26:11–1:29:20§30Transcript · 1:29:20–1:32:17§31Transcript · 1:32:17–1:34:48§32Transcript · 1:34:48–1:36:55§33Transcript · 1:36:55–1:39:11§34Transcript · 1:39:11–1:41:26§35Transcript · 1:41:26–1:44:34§36Transcript · 1:44:34–1:47:31§37Transcript · 1:47:31–1:50:59§38Transcript · 1:50:59–1:53:37§39Transcript · 1:53:37–1:56:46§40Transcript · 1:56:46–2:00:10§41Transcript · 2:00:10–2:03:54§42Transcript · 2:03:54–2:07:32§43Transcript · 2:07:32–2:11:27§44Transcript · 2:11:27–2:14:01§45Transcript · 2:14:01–2:15:48§46Transcript · 2:15:48–2:17:45§47Transcript · 2:17:45–2:19:06§48Transcript · 2:19:06–2:20:29§49Transcript · 2:20:29–2:22:25§50Transcript · 2:22:25–2:23:49§51Transcript · 2:23:49–2:25:18§52Transcript · 2:25:18–2:26:21§01Transcript · 00:00–03:05
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out.
The Joe Rogan Experience.
Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day.
Cheers, sir.
Dude, yeah.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year to you, too.
Very nice to officially meet you.
Yeah, it's cool.
I follow you on the Instagram, watch your posts all the time.
Okay, good.
See how many big silly goose you're having a good time?
Yes.
I've been doing these little, what do you call it?
We kind of reenact a scene for movies, and it's been really fun.
It's hard because you have to know the scene really well,
so I've done the planes, trains, and all, my fucking car, my fucking.
So it's been fun.
That's my new little gig.
But, yeah, I try to keep it fun, Instagram.
No, you definitely do.
And obviously you've done a lot of radio because you have one ear on,
one ear off.
Jim Norton always does that.
I'm just retarded.
No, I do this.
Jim Norton does that, too.
Yeah.
A lot of people do that and have done a lot of radio.
Yeah, I've done a lot.
Yeah, so I like to be able to hear.
Yeah, they want, like, a little in the noise.
Yeah, a little bit of, yeah, a little, exactly.
I don't understand that.
I don't understand that.
Because if they're looking at me like, put your headset on, right?
Yeah, we've been doing comedy for so fucking long and that we've never met.
It's kind of funny.
That is bizarre.
I mean, you've been doing it, um, 30-plus years?
Yeah, same.
I started in 1985.
Yeah, I started in 88, so I had to reach out.
All right, I got my three.
Did you?
I'm the veteran here.
Fuck.
Um, you're a funny guy, man, and you take, you at least used to take a lot of
shit.
And I never understood it.
I never, I don't either.
I never have understood that.
But it's mellowed out a little bit.
It's kind of like, you know, you've done it so long.
Yeah.
You're kind of like, okay, you can go to the barbecue now.
You're part of the club.
But, um, for years and years, I mean, uh, from, from the very, very beginning,
which is
kind of funny, you being a comic, but when I started in Florida, um, one thing
everybody
worried about was, uh, was, you know, the fever, you know, you don't want to
steal, you
know, and he stole his act.
So I thought, you know, not only did I do my, my thing just because I wanted to
do props,
but I thought, wow, no one's going to hate me because I'm doing, I'm not doing
anyone's,
I mean, I'm, you know, stealing crime watch signs and shit.
Right.
And lugging him around the country.
So if anything, they would say, you know, okay, he's not funny, or at least he's
original,
but he's not funny.
But they would say, oh no, he's, you know, everything.
I just got, I would get shit for, like, I was the shit, I was just filling the
punchline.
Yeah, you were a whipping boy.
Yeah.
You know what it's like?
You're like the, it's like Nickelback for whatever Nickelback takes so much
shit.
It's like someone decides that that's a good punchline, you know?
Right, and I've seen Nickelback, and they put on a pretty amazing show.
They've got some good songs, man.
And they do.
They're pop songs, yeah, but so fucking what?
It's like they're not hurting anybody.
It was, you know, so let's say I would do a show, and we have a, you know, nice
crowd.
It was great.
It's a standing ovation.
We get on the bus, and we're driving to wherever next gig, and we're all
watching,
you know, the TV, and then boom, there's a Caratop rip.
And I'd be like, you know, what the fuck?
We just, I just, not only, we just did a great show.
We had a whole bunch of people laughing.
Yeah.
So this one guy is telling me, you know, that I said, whatever, you know.
§02Transcript · 03:05–06:28
I've always been a guy that's considered the source.
I mean, I was always picked on as a kid, but when I'd come home, my mom would,
you know,
what happened?
Another guy picked on me.
Who was it?
And it was this guy.
Well, consider the source, right?
Yeah.
It's always been that with comedy, too.
Like, when, you know, George Carlin said I was funny, that negated every
asshole that
said I sucked.
Yeah.
I was like, George Carlin thought I was funny.
No, you are funny, man.
You have a good show.
Well, you kind of want, I think most humans want everyone to love them, right?
Yeah.
But as comics, we're even more sensitive.
I want not only to have fans, but I want my peers to like me as well, so it's
weird.
And then people say, well, who gives a shit of, you know, you have fans that
love you.
Who cares about your peers?
I'm like, well, you kind of want other comics to go, hey, man, I dig your style,
you know?
No, for sure.
That's the thing.
If you're rejected by your peers, even if the rest of the world loves you, but
comics hate
you.
Right.
It's horrible.
Like I said, I've done it so long, I guess they're finally like, ah, fuck it.
He can stay, I guess.
Well, I think, first of all, you own the genre now.
There used to be, like when I started in 88, there used to be prop comics.
Yeah.
You became so successful as a prop comic that you own the genre.
Like, there's no prop comics anymore, man.
I think, I know.
I don't think anyone wants to be one.
That's what I think.
They're like, fuck that.
I'm not going down that path.
I'm going to take over all the abuse that I took.
I'd tell them, don't do it.
But we had, though, like you said, Rip Taylor or Gallagher.
And by the way, Gallagher was very much of an influence on me when I started
doing comedy
and I would get, well, I should just say, so one day Gallagher meets me for
lunch and
Gallagher's listening.
So he's up my, I mean, he's yelling at me and screaming in front of everybody
in front
of the, like, the valet.
And he says, I stole his act.
And I was like, Gallagher.
He meets you for lunch to yell at you?
Yeah.
Well, I think we've made up since, I think.
He came to the show and told me how to redo it.
But I know he did.
He's out there.
I've heard him on Stern, dude.
He said, get rid of that.
This sounds fucking crazy.
And, you know, stop doing props.
So, yeah, so, but the thing that I thought was kind of funny, because I, in my
defense of
Gallagher, I used to always say, it's not the watermelon that's, he's a really
brilliant
comic.
I mean, you go back and listen to his writing.
Yeah.
It was great.
But all people knew was him jumping on a big couch and hitting a watermelon.
But I would always say, no, that guy's a genius.
And so then he meets me and he tells me, you know what?
You stole my act and you didn't steal the, you stole the stupid stuff.
And I said, we talked, well, first I didn't steal anything.
He says, hey, the stupid stuff.
Why didn't you steal the smart stuff, the words, the stuff that's actually
clever?
Why would you steal?
I said, but I didn't steal.
It's my stupid stuff.
What was he saying you stole?
My whole act.
He said, you know, just maybe the genre, I guess, because if you break down
Gallagher prop
stuff, it was always a pun.
It was a shoehorn.
It was like Rip Taylor, kind of like a, hey, it's a butterfly.
It's butter with wings.
And mine was like, no, it's a crime watch sign.
It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it was more of an invention prop.
So he thought that by, you know, you holding up two things and saying it's a
this and a
§03Transcript · 06:28–09:46
that, but like he used to do that.
See, and I never did that.
That's what was funny.
We never, I've never, my, my style of prop comedy is kind of an interesting, it's
like
an inventive, if you go back and find any prop.
No, no, I have seen it.
There's always a twist to it.
So it's not just me holding up a, it's not a word, play word, like the wid, you
know,
it's like, I've got my tubes tied and it's just tubes all together.
So Moran's like trying to think what I would have, like, you know, I don't know,
like a
microphone from Mick Jagger that has an oxygen thing in it.
So, you know, so it's, it's something, it's something that's more into a,
anyway, it's
just a different, same with what I did.
It's jokey, but it's also.
Yeah.
And when I did the family guy, they said, they called, they said, you know, we
got the thing
already and they sent me the script.
And I was like, so the joke is, it's a seesaw, right?
So I'm like, so it's prop is a saw with glasses on it.
Right.
And that's kind of not what I do.
Right.
And so I was like, oh man, this is a, I don't like this.
If we change it to something that I do.
And the guy, what's his, um, what's that?
McFarlane says, um, dude, no, this is, people's fucking great.
And I said, I don't know, but it's seesaw.
It's really stupid.
And he says, I wrote it.
I said, no, it's not that stupid.
I said, no, no, I just want to do, it's like, can I, can I do one of my props?
He said, well, two, two things wrong.
We already have the animation done.
Right.
And secondly, everyone loves it.
And if you want to do it, well, you know, we'll just get someone else to do the
voice.
It's fine.
And I said, no, no, I want to do it.
I just, if we can't, fuck it.
So I did it.
And I still, to this day, get people to go, dude, seesaw.
So they were, they were right.
I just, I just was like, damn it.
I want it to be a little more, but whatever.
I get it.
Yeah.
Well, also, you've got to be a little defensive after all the years of people
shitting on you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
True.
What is it like having a Vegas residency?
Because I've always thought about that.
Like, there's people that I think did it where maybe they probably shouldn't
have done it.
And then there's people like you that it seemed, you seem to be having a good
time doing it.
And then you still do occasional shows in other spots.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I love it.
I mean, I was telling you guys out front there a bit ago that in the beginning,
I was very reluctant because I was my road guy.
Yeah.
And so I would do, you know, the road and live on a tour bus and that.
And then they, they offered the gig.
And I was like, uh, so I started doing like just a couple of weeks, which now
they call residencies.
Residencies when, you know, you live there as resident.
Right.
Right.
But now you have a weekend.
Now they're doing a residency.
So, uh, so I said, I'll do two weeks at a time.
And it was kind of rough.
I was, I wasn't, I wasn't, the Vegas is a day.
I was a different beast.
I just wasn't ready for people sitting in, you know, like booths and eating,
you know, like dinner show, eating and kind of getting slouched.
And I was like, I'm used to people like, you know, psyched for the show.
Right.
Yeah.
They're coming out to see you.
George Carlin would tell me, he says, you know, you couldn't get into, oh, so
fuck it.
I'm going to go see Carlin kind of thing.
So as I've gotten more fans, I think I'm getting more of my audience.
But back then there was just people that were, you know, going by a buffet,
going, I get a carrot top ticket and whatever.
Check it out.
How long have you been doing it now in Vegas?
Uh, this is 16 at the Luxor and then 10 at the MGM to 20, 26 years.
And then at Bally's once, one year.
§04Transcript · 09:46–12:27
I mean, sorry.
So 27 years.
So you've been in Vegas.
Penn and Teller have been going back and forth and who's been the longest.
And I said, well, I do all the work.
You have fucking Teller, right?
So I, I went by default.
Well, you know.
And Teller doesn't do shit.
He just stands there.
Penn and Teller, that's a, they're very unique people.
Absolutely.
Very, very unique.
You know, Penn is a, he's a super interesting guy and you really wouldn't think
that he would fit in in Vegas.
Penn?
Yeah.
He barely fits.
He's 6'9".
He's a giant dude.
Yeah.
But he seems like you belong somewhere else.
Yeah.
But, but, so, 26 fucking years as a, doing a residency, that's a long ass time,
man.
It is a long time.
Have you always done some road work while you're doing that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We just, we just did a last, two weeks ago, we did a whole bunch of Kansas City
and Detroit and Chicago and Minneapolis.
What is, what do you like doing?
Do you like doing, like, weekends?
I like both.
I like the Vegas show.
It's, you know, it's kind of, you're there every night, you get to go home.
But the road shows are, you kind of feel like a rock, you know, I took my
opener with me.
So, he's like, dude, this is, you know, it's like, you feel like, you know, you're
in show business.
You're in, you know, Vegas, sometimes you forget, oh, yeah, I'm in show
business there.
But you're on the road, right?
And you've got people out by the bus and there's things and there's energy and
there's, you know, that kind of stuff.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The, the Vegas residency has got to be good for your health, though.
Because you're not fucking.
Yeah, agreed.
I mean, you just.
Flying all the time.
Yeah, exactly.
So, it is not, there's a lot of ups for it, too.
And it seems to be easier to kind of throw in new jokes every night because you're
not, you know, I can come in and rehearse.
Just try it.
It doesn't work.
It doesn't work.
Yeah.
Have you had, like, most comics, they'll go places and work out.
Like, you'll go to, like, a small club and fuck around.
Yeah, no.
Yes.
See, I haven't done that.
I haven't done that, honestly.
And people always say, you ever.
I said, no, I work out every night at the fucking Luxor.
So, why would I fly to L.A. and try shit out at the improv.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Well, how many nights a week are you working?
You know, I got to lug it there.
So, you know.
Yeah, that's the difference with you.
Yeah.
I mean, that's what was funny.
Like, going back all these years.
I had to, like, drug all that shit.
How much shit do you have?
Oh, a lot.
Like it's.
It used to be, it used to be, when we did the roadshows, it was a whole semi.
A whole semi?
Yeah, because we had ramps and rises and pyro, and it was like, it was a big
show, and people
would say, like, and the people that would come there to unload the truck to
set up the
show for that day, let's say we're here in Austin, they'd be like, all this
shit for
fucking, for one guy?
And I said, it takes a lot of shit to make me funny.
I need all this shit.
Trust me.
I need my props and my trunks and my lights and my snow machines.
Yeah.
No, I get it.
I did that way back.
The very first club I did, they were, like, livid with me, because I had, like,
and I
had to do it all by myself back then.
§05Transcript · 12:27–15:37
I made, my dad was a scientist, so he made this, like, pedal, foot pedal, and I
could hit
the first button, did a strobe light, and the second one was a snow machine,
and the third
one was a, was something, I don't know, sound effect or something, and a club
owner came up
in the second, between the two shows, he says, what, was there a fucking snow
machine in
the middle of the show?
I was like, yeah.
Why?
I said, didn't you see the show?
It made sense.
I ate a peppermint patty, and I said, what was it like, and you hear, and the
snow came
to his, whatever the joke was, but.
And the club owner got mad.
I think I'm mad, he was just like, I've never seen someone in a leaf blower,
because
I did it like a hurricane bit, and it turned into a Michael Jackson bit, and he
would say,
I've never seen someone bring a leaf blower in to do a show.
Well, now you have.
I said, now you have.
Yeah, now you have.
And then he said, I love that.
Well, that's good.
So, like, when you go on the road now, do you bring a semi as well?
We've lighted, it's still a big truck, but it's not, it's not a full-on, but
yeah, because
we took a lot of the stuff, it was just too much, it was literally like setting
up Aerosmith.
And when you're in Vegas at the Luxor, is everything set up for you, so you can
just kind of plug
and play?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's nice.
How many nights a week are you there?
Six.
Six nights.
Six nights.
Wow.
Yeah.
It's not bad, though.
I do like six nights a week, take a day off on Sunday, and then I do like, on
average,
three or four weeks, and then I go to Florida.
Oh, so you do like a few weeks on, and do you partially live in Florida?
Yeah.
I have a house in Orlando, so I kind of go back and forth.
What makes you go to Orlando?
Why'd you pick that?
There's just a house there that my key fits into, so I go, yeah.
Oh.
I'm going to go here again.
But why Florida?
That's where I was born and raised, so I found a house there, and I just kept
it.
Most of my, believe it or not, most of my family lives now in Vegas, but my
father lived
in Florida.
He worked at NASA, the Space Center.
A lot of fucking people moved to Vegas this year.
I have quite a few friends that moved there that either, you know, they were
either thinking
about Arizona, Texas, Nashville, or Vegas.
I was going to say, those are the big, Nashville's another one, and even Austin,
right, it's growing
like crazy.
Yeah, Austin's bananas right now.
My niece goes here.
Yeah, I have like 10 of my friends moved here, but it's better, you know what I
mean?
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, California is just too fucked right now, and so it was one of those
things where-
Yeah, I lived there for a bit near Malibu, and I, you know, I was not an- once
I got the
Vegas thing, I just kind of got out of there.
Well, I loved it before the shit hit the fan.
Yeah.
Because the comedy store was there, all my friends were there, but when we
realized that
the government can stop you from working, you know, and not just for two weeks,
but for
fucking- Yeah, yeah, for a year.
...almost two years.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
It was so long before they allowed indoor shows again.
I was like, these people are out of their fucking minds.
Like, you've got to let people make their own choices.
Also, this is a respiratory virus.
You're not stopping shit, as you can see.
I mean, yeah.
Yep, it's very true.
We- I was talking to the girl out there about when we first got back.
We were- we were very first show back in Vegas, and it was one of those things
where-
It was, you know, we want you back, and I said, well, who else is coming back?
§06Transcript · 15:37–18:31
They said, nobody, just you, and I said, what-
You were the first show back?
First one, but I think it's because I was the only guy on stage, so all the
shows with
all the dancers and things, and even with, you know, other people, so I was the
only
one, Panatello didn't want to do it, and, you know, Criss Angel didn't want to
do it.
No one wanted to go back, and I was dying to go back.
I was, you know, a year of sitting in- I mean, it's nice sitting in my boat in
Florida, but
at the same time, you're like, I'm losing my sense of purpose.
Like, what the fuck?
I got to- I got to perform again, you know?
Yeah.
So, yeah, I went back, and then- but the weird part, they put us in this 2,200-seat
theater.
It was the old Criss Angel Theater when he played there, and it was only 100
people
allowed.
So, you had- 2200 seats.
2200 theater, and 100 people.
Yeah, 100 people, and separate- distanced.
Yeah.
And a 40-foot moat.
What?
Yeah.
40 feet between you and them?
For the-
For the God, right?
That's so far.
And I used to make a joke.
I'd say, in fact, Gallag would do horrible in here, and he wouldn't hit anybody,
you know?
But, um-
40 feet is so far.
Oh, no.
And then, I know.
And then, you know, it was- it was really weird.
I gotta be on, you know?
And he might- my guys would be at the end and say, you know, it really wasn't
that bad,
considering in their masks.
So, you can't- it's muffled.
It's- it's- it was-
Yeah.
But it wasn't- I don't know.
It was better than just not doing a show.
Yeah.
But there were nights you're like, wow, this is not- I don't want to do this,
you know?
Yeah.
And so- and then it's slowly, slowly bigger and bigger, and now we're back in
our original
theater, but-
We did- I did one show in July of 2020.
I did one weekend at the Houston Improv.
They're still allowing people to do shows, and this was obviously pre-vaccines,
pre-everything,
and, you know, it was still a little sketchy, and I did the show, and then we
had a great
time, and I thought, goddammit, I'm gonna go on the road again.
And then I got really high, and then I thought, what if I get COVID and I give
it to someone
and they die?
Yeah.
That's what I thought.
I thought, what if- and I said, okay, you know, I can't do this.
And so, it was just too weird back then.
There was no real treatment for it.
No one knew what was going on.
It was a little scary, yeah.
People didn't have any idea what was happening.
Yeah.
People were just dying, and it was like, yeah.
So, I took a long time off, and then I came back when Chappelle wanted to do a
bunch of
shows in Austin, and he said, we're gonna do them outside, we're gonna test
everybody.
We'll create a COVID bubble.
Nobody goes outside the bubble.
And by then, I was already testing people for every single show here.
Right.
So, I was like, okay, I feel safe doing that, because all I'm doing right now
is going home
and then going to work.
And when I go to work, everyone's getting tested.
Yeah, you're getting tested.
And so, I felt pretty safe and confident.
And then I would go to the shows, and we would test, like, you know, hundreds
and hundreds
of people.
And they would all sit outside, and they all had to wear a mask, and then we
had our little
COVID bubble.
Yeah.
And so, we started doing that again.
That was like, I guess we started doing it in November of 2020.
I remember seeing on your Instagram that you guys were going and doing that.
And I remember people asking me, hey, you want to do some drive-in theaters?
§07Transcript · 18:31–21:47
Yeah.
What the fuck?
So, this is-
That was Bert Kreischer's idea.
I know, but what's your thought on this?
So, you're on stage-
Well, Bert invented it.
You're on stage, and then people are sitting in their cars.
So, you can't hear them.
Yeah, but they honk and stuff.
Well, see, it's perfect for Bert.
Oh, really?
So, honk, honk.
I did get a prop-killed honk.
Yeah.
And it really killed a honk.
Yeah, it's like, they laugh, and you hear them honk.
What if you don't hear any horns?
You're like, fuck, I'm bombing.
Yeah, you're bombing.
Yeah.
There's no horns.
See, I'm terrified of that.
It's not ideal, but it's better than anything.
Right.
Than nothing rather.
Right, sure.
And Bert invented it, so it was his idea.
So, for him, it was like a chance to be on the road again.
I guess it would be work, seems more for music than comedy.
I can't, you know, I don't know.
Yeah, it makes sense.
But even music, you want to see people dancing around, rocking out.
You don't see the car, you know.
If the car comes rocking, he'll come knocking.
Fucking having a good time in that car.
Yeah, if it's a van.
You know, Dave and I, we did shows together back in, we were doing colleges.
Oh, in the NACA days?
Yeah, NACA days.
Oh, wow.
And this is a great, every time I see Dave, he always says the same thing.
He says, man, that, so I'll tell you what happened.
So, we played, it was like Kansas or Iowa, some more Midwest town.
And we did the show, and then afterwards, you know, we're young then.
He says, let's go get a drink.
So, we go get a drink, and we have all these college kids.
And finally, we were like, we're chill.
Let's just go back to the hotel.
It's like a little La Quinta, which is Spanish behind Denny's, by the way.
So, we got La Quinta, and this was before we had cell phones.
I said, hey, let's exchange numbers.
And he says, yeah, man, let's do that.
So, he leans over the counter and grabs a pen out and writes his number down.
And this guy comes out and says, did you just take money out of the cash
register?
And we're like, what?
And he's like, did you just steal money out of the cash register?
And we're like, we looked at each other.
I'm like, no, we just, Dave's like, I just grabbed a pen to exchange the
numbers, man.
Take it easy.
I said, we're the comedians, you know, playing in town.
He's like, I'm calling the cops.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
And I said to Dave, no, Dave says, call the cops.
And I said, is that camera work?
And he says, what, the one right there?
And he goes, I said, he says, yep.
I said, well, we're going to find out then.
And I said, make sure that you got the footage of that because we grabbed a pen.
We didn't grab cash out of the register.
And sure enough, he's like, you boys better get on.
We're like, we didn't, we just wanted to exchange numbers.
Weird, right?
I thought we took money out of the register.
Yeah.
Well, you know, some people live in a world of shit, you know, and you just
dipped your toes into their world.
Yeah.
We're like, well, we didn't take money, dude.
Yeah.
We should have.
That's pretty sad.
We were, you know, we were broke comics.
We should have actually taken money out of the register.
Those college gigs were always weird, man.
Yeah.
You'd travel to these strange universities that would have comics come and.
Yeah.
I used to do all that for years.
I did a, goodness, like I did the morning, like in a cafeteria.
Uh-huh.
Literally.
Yeah, I did those.
Right?
Standing on a cafeteria table.
Yes, literally.
Yeah.
And then it was one, there was only one time in my entire career, and I mean
§08Transcript · 21:47–24:50
full-on career,
that I refused to go on.
And it was, it was, it was an ACA gig, and they had a thing in the, in a breezeway,
right?
Like, literally like a box.
Right.
And my trunk didn't even fit on the box.
It was just, it wasn't even a stage, right?
So.
Like, size of this table?
A little, smaller than this.
So, yeah, it was like a crate.
And so I said, um, you know, my, my, my guy that helped me set up back then
said, he'd come,
you know, get in the car.
He's like, uh, uh, you're not going to like this one, you know?
I said, well, how bad?
I said, dude, it's in a fucking breezeway.
And I was like, what?
It's in a breezeway.
And I was like, I don't make, that makes, what do you mean breezeway?
And he's like, it's, it's, it's like a box, like a milk carton thing.
And there's a microphone thing.
And then, yeah.
And this is when I used to have a, my, I even have, you know, had to have a
harness I made
that would hold my big mic like this.
So he said, I'm going to stand there in the middle of a fucking breezeway while
kids are
going to class.
No, seriously.
And I'm like, I ain't doing it, right?
So I said, fuck that.
No.
So I, we got in the van and drove to the next gig, which is, you know, probably
six hours
away.
And it was in a big theater, you know, it's weird that you do one in the
cafeteria.
And then an hour later, you're in a big theater.
So my phone's blowing up.
I call them, I call my office and they're like, you, you, you, you, you can't
just cancel
a show.
And I said, you didn't, yeah, I can.
I'm not going to do it.
Right.
Well, where are you?
Got to go.
I said, I'm already, we're two hours out.
We're fucking, we're not going.
So it turns out that college and that gig and that breezeway, that guy was the
president
of NACA that booked me for that.
The president of NACA.
Well, he's an asshole.
He is an asshole.
But I'm saying, oh shit, of all people that I did that to, it was the president
of NACA.
He shouldn't be the president, if he's the guy that's making those kind of
decisions, that's
disrespectful to the performers.
Agreed.
Yeah.
But I remember thinking, great, now I'm going to get blacklisted on the NACA
conventions.
Did you?
No, because I think I'd already had, I think I was kind of done with the
colleges.
No, it was a year early on.
I didn't get blacklisted.
No.
I went on and I kept getting books.
I know a lot of comics that refuse to do colleges now.
Well, now I wouldn't.
Yeah, they're just too ridiculous.
No, I wouldn't.
I don't think I would do a college now.
And I used to, I lived on those for so many, and it's not against the person,
but the colleges,
it's just, I think, like you just said, it's probably, I don't know, the
audiences that,
I mean, half my act, you can't do, like, I go back and look at stuff that I did
on The
Tonight Show, Regis and Kathie Lee, I could, I still do it in my show, because
fuck it,
I just do what I do.
I don't, I don't, I just, you know, and people, they, ooh, and I go, there's
worse shit coming,
take it easy.
But I would have like a, you know, a mousetrap to catch gay mice.
It was a little mousetrap with a mirror ball on it, and it would spin.
It'd fuck and kill, right?
And even Gary Shandling, I do this, Gary Shandling is watching me, and he came
over,
he said, that was great, the fucking gay mousetrap thing, right?
And so, you look at it now, but that was on network television, like, eight,
nine o'clock
in the morning.
Right.
§09Transcript · 24:50–28:09
And I could do that.
I had a plate for bulimics.
It was a toilet seat with a plate built into it, so you could eat and throw up.
It was all this shit, but you think about it now, and they'd be like, oh, God,
you can't
do that.
What, are you crazy?
Well, you can.
And I tell you, you just can.
You just have to take some heat.
But the thing is about colleges, it's like, they will instantaneously become
activists
and try to shut you down.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what I mean.
That's what I mean.
It's kind of like, and my show's so silly.
That's what, it's a silly show.
Gay mousetrap is a funny thing.
Gay mousetrap is funny.
Why is it even negative?
It's not negative.
You know what I mean, though, because someone's going to say, oh, no, you're
picking on the,
no, not picking on anybody.
Of course you're not.
Right.
Of course you're not.
It's just the fact that, you know, if you joke around about a subject, then it
becomes
hateful now.
Right.
We've, we've entered into this new area where even touching on a subject, you
become like,
hate, you're hateful.
Right, right, right.
Just joking around about something, you're hateful.
Yeah, it's, it's, it's unreal.
It's stupid.
Well, you know, like with Dave, you know, Dave, when all that went down.
You know, this probably more than I know, but they, they didn't show a lot of
the people
that are pro, pro for him.
Well, here's the thing.
They kept showing the people that are against it.
Here's the thing they didn't do with Dave.
They didn't quote any of the material.
If you notice it, they kept saying it's transphobic, it's transphobic, but it's
one of the very
rare times where someone's being accused of something, but there's not a
specific thing that they
point to.
Right.
Where they say that this is egregious.
This is, this is transphobic.
Right.
It's not transphobic.
Right, right.
It's essentially like, it's a long love letter to a friend of his that killed
herself.
I mean, that's really what that part of it is.
And he's saying that a lot of it is because this woman who he was friends with
got dragged
online and attacked and DMs and stuff by other people that were in the trans
community that
said that she shouldn't stand up for Dave Chappelle and she wound up killing
herself.
This was, it's not a transphobic bit.
It's not.
No.
It's like him trying to, you know, if you're going to give it any criticism at
all, I think
you could say that he talks about trans people a lot.
I mean, it's been a major subject matter for him for the last couple of specials.
Yeah, I remember the last couple of specials he was talking about that.
But I think that's because, look, he's the most beloved comedian of our time.
He's one of the greatest comedians of all time, if not the greatest.
And if you look at his career, this is like really the first time he's ever
been attacked
about things.
And so this is his response to it.
It's a, you know, it's unusual for him.
So I think he just wants to get his point across as clearly as possible.
And then he'll move on to other subject matter.
So he's devoted a lot of time to it.
But when they say it's transphobic, they're not being accurate.
They're just looking at if he's covering the subject matter at all and he's
doing it with
humor, all of a sudden you can label it transphobic.
Yeah, it's interesting.
It's not right.
It's not accurate.
No, it's definitely not right.
And it's not fair.
And it's, like you said, it's weird being such a beloved guy for so long.
And then you find all these people that want to come out and not love him.
I think a lot of it is just, it's a tension, you know.
Would you imagine George Carlin had, you know how many specials he used to do?
One every fucking week, he'd have another hour special, which was always
amazing to me.
§10Transcript · 28:09–31:19
To talk about a guy that can write jokes.
Yeah, he's one of the greatest writers ever.
I mean, I mean, my God, right?
So, imagine him right now.
Like, I would love to see a George Carlin special now.
Wouldn't that be great?
Like, what would he talk about?
I know, but I'm saying, because he didn't give him shit.
He would open his show with, like, the most disgusting thing and just...
Lean into it.
Oh, good.
And people would walk, like 30 people in a second would walk out.
Did you see the Patton Oswalt thing that happened yesterday?
No, I love Patton Oswalt.
I love Patton, too.
Oh, what happened?
He's like, Patton's a very kind, very sensitive guy.
And Patton apparently was in town with Dave.
And Dave texted him, like, hey, do you want to come do a set at my show?
And Patton went to Dave's show.
Dave was doing an arena and Patton was doing another show in town.
So Patton came to Dave's show, and they had a good time together, and Patton
took a couple
pictures with him and Dave and put it up on Instagram.
And then, apparently, a bunch of people were saying, you know, how could you
hang out with
that transphobe, this and that, blah, blah, blah.
And so the next post, he makes this long apology.
He writes, like, a fucking essay on how he feels about trans people.
Oh, there he is.
And, you know, the real fuck up.
I mean, listen, again, I love Patton.
I love him to death.
He's a really, really sweet guy, which is why he did this in the first place.
But one of the things that he said is he disagrees, 100% disagree, about
transgender rights
and representation, with Dave.
That's not true.
I think he said that to placate the mob.
But Dave does not have any problem whatsoever with transgender rights and
representation.
That's not right.
He's just saying that because they were attacking him, saying that Dave is
transphobic.
He's not.
He's not.
I mean, I know him very well.
He's a fucking fantastic person.
He's not.
That's not him.
He's just making jokes about stuff.
And it's like, you can't read all those goddamn comments.
Most of the comments are super, super positive.
Most of them.
But if you have a thousand people that are commenting on something, you're
going to have
ten that are just angry, negative, shitty people.
And those are the ones.
My audience, basically.
Thank you.
All of my friends.
If you're a sensitive person, those are the ones that are going to stand out.
And you're going to go, oh, my God, what have I done?
So he started deleting posts.
And then, apparently, there was a bunch of shit posters and turfs and all kinds
of other
stuff.
Turf's a great name.
It is.
You want some real whiskey?
Get out of here with that.
What do you mean real whiskey?
Was that Trace?
Buffalo Trace.
Trace Atkins?
Buffalo Trace Atkins.
That's real shit.
That's America right there.
That's America before it was America.
Right?
Yeah.
Thank you.
You're definitely doing better than me.
Look at his.
Look at mine.
Hmm.
Well, there's nothing wrong with crown.
I can afford.
You stole it from a hotel bar.
Stop lying.
From your hotel bar.
It's not my hotel.
It's just where we put you up.
Well, we'll pay for that.
I stole it.
Feel free.
I hope so.
Take them all.
Come on.
Fill your pillowcase up.
§11Transcript · 31:19–33:39
Yeah.
Hotel bars are very strange.
Yeah.
It's like they just assume you're a drunk.
Yeah.
Like.
Well, there's some now on the road where they're weighted, which is kind of
funny, right?
Oh, right.
You pick it up.
Yeah.
Once you move it.
Yeah.
You can't even change your mind.
Yeah.
You can't go, what is that?
Oh, it's crum.
Oh, I don't want.
You get charged for it already.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Let me try your Buffalo Trace Atkins.
Better, right?
Very nice.
Better, right?
Burns a little bit.
A little better, right?
No, a lot better.
But better.
I can't say it's.
Yeah, and the Crown's nice people, too.
No, there's nothing wrong with Crown.
No, this is great.
I'm just joking.
This is great.
I just love.
Well, Crown gives me free booze, so I've got to be careful.
Oh, do they?
Well, yeah, they used to.
Oh, you have a deal with them?
Until today?
Until now.
I fucked it up for them.
I think we got a bottle of Crown over there, don't we?
No, I'm fine.
This is actually.
No, this is good.
This is good.
Didn't someone give us a bottle of Crown?
I'm just not allowed to say better because they give me Crown.
Well, I'll say it.
I usually go in the audience and give out shots of Crown.
Oh, really?
I used to before the COVID thing, so I'd go out in the audience and polish off
a bottle.
How scared are you about COVID now?
Like, did you travel here?
Did you get nervous?
No.
No?
But, I mean, I've been one of those guys from the very beginning, and God
forbid I do
ever get it because I don't walk in fear.
I just do my thing, and I'm in front of people every day, but I do get tested a
lot.
I know you exercise a lot.
You used to be jerked.
I know.
I know.
You used to be giant, man.
I was 40 pounds bigger than I am.
Oh, my God.
Literally.
What made you get so jacked?
I got the flu, and then I didn't know.
You got me jacked?
Yeah.
I just, well, I'll tell you what I did.
But it was, when I got that permanent gig, I had nothing to do all day in Vegas,
literally.
So you just started getting pumped?
So I started just going to the gym every day.
Like, I'd go three hours a day, literally.
Three hours of lifting?
Yeah.
Well, this is, again, 15 years ago.
Right.
And I was, I just was huge.
And one day, I went to my warehouse to do something.
It was a picture of something.
And I was like, what the fuck?
Like, I'm like, I was like 190.
I'm like 140.
Wow.
This is my, this is my original fighting weight right now.
140 is my, it's my, uh.
That's what you feel, lean and mean?
Yeah, this is where I grew up, born and raised 135, 140 my whole life.
And then I went to like 185.
People were like, what the fuck?
§12Transcript · 33:39–36:53
Did you have a lot of joint pain all the time?
Yeah, everything.
I was always injured.
I was always hurt.
Yeah.
It didn't look good on stage.
It was just, it was weird.
It was like, you know, people are like, what the fuck happened at Karenton?
They've always said that.
But that is a thing, though, when you get really jacked on stage, it becomes a
distraction.
It did.
Yeah, it did.
Yeah.
Gene Simmons, of all people, came and says, uh, does being so muscular take
away from the,
uh, the, uh.
That's the worst Gene Simmons impression ever.
All of a sudden Gene Simmons became like an Englishman from the 80s.
So I got Gene really good one time.
I said, this is great.
So he comes back, him to the show, comes backstage, and he says to me, um, what
do you do to make
money besides this?
And I said, what the fuck are you talking about?
Nothing.
He said, you don't have any other things that gives you money.
I said, I don't, I don't know.
I do comedy six nights a week, but you don't have another investment of some
sort, yes?
He's trying to offer you some prostitution work.
Well, no, yeah.
They're real weird.
And, uh, Gene, listen, I'm seeing somebody, okay?
But, um, uh, let me try on your platforms.
No, so I, so I, uh, just let me slip.
I know him.
I want teeth on my shoes.
But he says to me, and this is great because I'm being, I'm being, like, really
serious with
him, right?
So I said, uh, well, I said, no, but I, I, uh, I did one thing a long time ago.
I, I, I wrote a jingle.
Um, he goes, what's the jingle?
And I said, it's, uh, by Menon.
And he says, I'm not following you.
I said, remember the commercial by Menon?
And he goes, that was you.
And I said, yeah.
He says, get the fuck.
I said, no.
I said, my friend has a, had an organ in my garage.
He had left there and we were out fucking around.
And this, that, that by Menon thing, we had a campaign that said, come up with
a jingle.
So we did, we came up with it.
Just wasn't even funny.
It was just by Menon.
And we sent it to the Menon, whatever the, was it under, whatever the fuck?
Yep.
And, uh, he says, wait a second.
So that, you did, that's, you're making this up.
I said, no.
He said, how much did they pay you for that?
I said, I'm still, I still get money for it.
I said, it was amazing, but it was just kind of a fluke.
I said, we tried to come up with other things.
And he's looking at me like, that is just, I'm remarkable.
And I said, yes.
The impression of Jitsune is so bad.
And then he said, I said, uh, and see, that's great.
And I said, anything else?
I said, well, I came up with, with now with Retson.
And he says, what are you talking about?
I said, with Retson, remember the certs?
And he goes, you're fucking me.
I said, yeah.
So he goes, but the Menon thing.
I said, no, it's all bullshit.
He lost his, he lost his shit.
He's like, God damn it.
I sat there for 20 minutes and believe in you came up with by Menon and Retson.
I said, no, I never, but I got him good on his show.
Cause I did, I did the, when he had it at his house, that, that, uh.
Oh, the reality show he had?
Yeah.
So.
Family Jewels.
First met him.
I go, Family Jewels.
And I go and I'm, he says, my impression, you want to see my, uh, my warehouse?
And I said, sure.
So he takes me to this huge wing of his house.
I mean, literally it's probably the size of Walmart.
It's full.
And he says to me, I've got, I've got everything to ask.
I said, well, of course you have a kiss condom.
I mean, he goes, oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
He has kiss coffins.
We have, we've kissed everything, you know?
§13Transcript · 36:53–40:06
And I said, uh, I said, uh, we're on, we're live or they're filming me with him.
And I said, uh, good towards the end.
I said, uh, he said, well, thank you for dropping by.
And I said, I said, I don't want to, this is going to come across completely
fucking wrong.
I said, don't take this the wrong way.
And he says, what?
I said, you're going to take this the wrong way.
He says, what?
I said, I've never heard of this, your band.
You must, I said, you must've done well, but I've never heard of kiss.
And he says, it's like a really weird, but he goes, you've never heard of kiss.
I said, no, I see.
I knew you'd take it the wrong way.
I said, I just, I, I mean, look at all this.
Holy fuck.
I've never heard of kiss.
Are you guys, how long have you guys been a band?
And he looked at me like, he's going to fucking kill me.
And I said, I said, I know, I can't send.
I know a Hanson.
This is when they were hitting it big, you know?
I said, I know a Hanson, right?
And he goes, you fucking me.
I said, no, I don't, I never heard of kiss.
And that's why I said, I'm fucking with you.
Come on.
And then I got him again by minute.
And he was serious.
He like, he really believed you.
Oh yeah.
No, he was like, well, some people, someone had to have heard of kiss.
Yes.
This fucking accent.
The thing about like Hollywood people is there are people who will pretend they
don't know who you are, even if they do.
Right, right, right, right.
You know, I had that with Nicole Kidman.
You know, she didn't know.
Did she really?
She pretended she didn't know you.
I actually put it in my show.
It's a clip of her going, who's Carrot Top?
Yeah.
Well, she's from Australia.
Maybe she really didn't know.
But I met her three times with her husband.
So I know he was, he showed up, hey, how you doing buddy?
Hey, Carrot Top.
And then I went over to her and she was like, I'm scared.
Do you think she did that on purpose?
I don't know.
But she did it like three times.
So I just put it, there's a clip of her on the red carpet going, who's Carrot
Top?
People do that though.
It's like, it's like a clout thing.
Like they're, they like knocked you down.
Al Franken.
Okay.
So now Al Franken, I did comic relief with him, right?
It was like, everybody was there.
Rob Williams and Whippy Goldberg.
So Al Franken and I are back in the wings there waiting to go on.
And he couldn't have been nicer.
He was like, wow, I love your, I love your act.
I love, you know.
And I was like, that's cool.
So I go to Gary Shandling's funeral in LA.
And again, everybody was there.
I mean, you talk about, my God, everyone in show business was at Gary Shandling's
funeral.
So I see Senator then, right?
Al Franken.
I make my way over to him.
I said, hey Al, it's been a while.
And you know, wow, you're Senator now.
Fuck.
I mean, from comedian to Senator or whatever I made.
And he goes, he looked at me, he says, I'm sorry, we, we know each other?
I said, it's Carrot Top.
He's like, sorry?
I said, Carrot Top.
And he goes, I, I, I'm sorry.
I don't know.
I said, you don't know Carrot Top?
And he goes, I don't know.
I don't, I said, you don't know who Carrot Top is?
It was the weirdest thing.
Cause I, I'm standing there with like the best of, I mean, like, I think I was
standing
there with, um, what's his, from Defending Your Life, Albert Brooks, right?
And, and he just says that.
And I look over at Albert Brooks and I said, he says, he's just being a cunt.
And I said, I think so.
Or maybe he just doesn't remember meeting me.
Maybe when he became a senator.
He says, no, you're in comedy.
He knows who you are.
He's just being an, and then I said, well, you know, you fuck with me one time.
§14Transcript · 40:06–42:49
And he said, Albert Brooks fucked with you?
That's an honor.
Well, it is.
On the Tonight Show, right?
Yeah, it is an honor.
It is, right?
No, seriously.
The fact that he said Carrot Top, maybe.
So he was on the Tonight Show with, um, I think Johnny.
And he said, uh, he used to do these spinning, when he did, he, believe it or
not, used to
do props.
Oh, really?
Yeah.
Albert Brooks did?
Yeah.
Well, back in the, he did a skin tonight with spinning plates.
And so he sits down and he starts saying, you know, you know, I feel, you know,
I think
I'm here.
He said, I feel, you know, I feel bad for someone like Carrot Top.
If American Airlines lost his luggage, he wouldn't have an act.
Everybody laughs.
And I'm thinking, well, not only is that accurate, but it's just a dig at me,
because
it's like, if the Rolling Stones luggage was lost, they wouldn't put on a show.
Right.
So it's like my, it's my shit.
Well, there was a thing.
There was a time.
But I told that.
He goes, I'm sorry.
I hurt your feelings.
Just trying to be funny.
You know, whatever's out there, you take a swing at it.
But there's a thing that, for whatever reason, if you need something on stage,
like if you're
a guitar comic, there was always a thing about guitar comics.
Like Mitzi Shore, used to get mad at guitar comics.
She'd go, you're not going to go on stage with the guitar tonight.
She would tell guys.
And then they would go on stage with no guitar and bomb.
Oh, yeah.
Because like, you know, that's your comfort.
That's your, yeah.
That's your thing.
If they told me I couldn't bring my, my, my walker with a dildo on it, I wouldn't
go.
I would not, I would not go on.
But it's one of those things.
You'll see in March with your kids.
I will.
I'm coming.
That's like, this is your act, man.
Your fucking act is your act.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You bring stuff.
Like, but this purest thing of comedy is, is always bothered me.
I don't know why.
It's just like, I don't care if you sing.
I don't care if you have props.
I don't care.
Well, I don't understand that whole concept just in a broad sense of the idea
of, let's
just say music.
Yeah.
So if you, if you're in your car and you're listening to music and you, if you,
if you
hit the country station and you're listening to, and then you, you go, oh,
country.
And then you have rock and then you have jazz and you have this and you have
hard rock,
you have metal.
There's choices there.
So it's kind of fun.
Like you, you have something, when I was on the road, I was listening to
country music
for two hours.
I'm like, you know, now I want some Metallica.
Now I want some.
Yeah, mix it up.
But so same with comedy.
Why can't you have, we can have a Dennis Miller and you can have a Joe Rogan,
you can have
a Carrot Top and you can have Gallagher and you can have Bill Maher do politics
and you
can have, right.
People need to like, just let other people have different tastes.
Yeah.
Well, we do anyhow.
Exactly.
So if you don't want to go to Carrot Top Show, don't go.
Right.
Right.
You don't have to go.
You don't have to go.
Like that, that thing drives me crazy.
I do have to go.
But you have to, six days a week.
But there's this thing, it's like, come on folks.
§15Transcript · 42:49–45:37
There's, there's lots of stuff to be upset about.
Yeah.
Like being upset about different tastes other than yours.
Right, right.
You know, like, look, my kids love, I love my kids, but they love music that I
fucking
hate.
They want to listen to like mumble rap in the car.
I'm like, shut that shit off.
Not all mumble rap is bad.
But I mean, some of the stuff, it's not even mumble rap, I should say.
It's like, like whatever it is.
I'm an old man.
Yeah.
That's why I sold my kids.
I got rid of them.
Oh, you got rid of them.
Yeah, I got rid of them.
How much did you get?
Not much.
I should have left for a while.
It's a market thing.
It's like Bitcoin.
You don't want to get out early.
Yeah.
It's a long haul thing.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So my Elvis shirt, I got to find you one of these.
Yeah.
Dude, I have an obsession with Elvis during that time period.
The drug days.
Well, it's the pill days.
And one of the reasons why I have this obsession is because it's a fame thing.
And I mean, I'm sure you can relate to this.
Fame is a fucking strange drug in and of itself.
And I believe that Elvis was the first guy to take a heroic dose of fame.
You know, like Hicks always used to talk about, or Terrence McKenna, and then Hicks
used to
quote it, but heroic doses of mushrooms.
There's a heroic dose of fame, like what Michael Jackson took.
He took the most heroic dose of fame.
But you're right.
Elvis might have been the first one.
Yes.
I mean, there was some other guys, but you're right.
Yes.
Where he really was beyond superstar.
It's not good for you.
There's a great, I wouldn't say great, well, this is a documentary, or it might
have been
a two-part thing on HBO, I think it is, or Netflix.
Do you smoke weed, Carrot Top?
I will with you.
Okay.
I have bad lungs, but I'll smoke weed.
Great.
This is when the whole podcast goes to shit.
Carrot Top gets high.
I heard this is good for your lungs.
Is it?
Yeah, I heard it's good.
I don't have any sponsors that might get upset if I...
Crown and weed goes together.
Great.
That's what I heard.
So, I haven't been high in fucking 20 years.
Well, good.
I don't do drugs.
Well, let's just keep it right there.
But I got to remind you to tell my Hicks story, and then also, Elvis, so there's
a documentary,
and there's a really touching, sad scene that you just brought up to me in the
documentary.
He goes on stage, and this is right with his really big, bloated days.
Yeah.
Those are my favorite days.
And there's a...
Well, it's kind of saying he's sweating, and he's overweight.
Still killing it.
And they're interviewing him.
And they say, do you...
You look...
You don't look good, or something.
No, they really honestly say this.
Like, the reporter says, you look like shit.
And he says, I'm sorry.
And they're like, yeah, you just...
You know, what happened?
And you see it.
You see his face.
And he literally takes a moment.
He says, I'm sorry.
I don't live up to what you wanted me to look like.
I'm doing my best.
And then he just kind of walks off, like, in tears.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, let's find that.
Yeah.
§16Transcript · 45:37–48:39
I think it's in the Elvis...
I mean, it's a two-hour or two-part thing.
So, Bill Hicks, this is...
But before we get to Bill Hicks, it's like, no one was like that before him.
Like, there was no kind of star of that magnitude.
It didn't exist.
Literally.
And like Michael Jackson took...
There was always stars, right?
Right, right, right.
There was always, you know, there was Little Richard and Chubby Checker.
And there was always, like, Buddy Holly.
Right.
There was stars.
But not at that...
No.
It's a different kind of star.
Agreed.
Agreed.
I'll say that to people.
They go, wow, you recognize that.
I said, I'm recognizable in the lineup.
I'm not, like, a famous person.
Yeah.
They go, uh...
Like, somebody last night said, you're red, right?
You're red.
Red.
I said, yes, red.
Orange, you know.
You're the red guy.
You're right.
Red top?
Yes, red top.
But it's...
That's probably better.
Yeah, yeah.
It's sustainable.
I mean, you make a good living.
You have a lot of people who love you.
Yeah, exactly.
You're better off that way than getting into that.
Elvis definitely had a hard...
I mean, and people always say, well, come on.
How hard would it be, you know, to be that famous?
Fuck, who knows?
No one understands it.
There's no one who understands it other than the people that get there.
Right, yeah.
It's not possible.
Yeah.
It's not possible to understand it.
You could take a guess, and you could say, oh, but he has so much money.
Let me tell you something about money, kids.
Once you get past a certain amount, it doesn't feel like anything different.
Like, I had an apartment once when I first moved to Hollywood, and I just got
on television,
and I was on news radio, and I was on the sitcom, and I got this nice place,
and it had a loft,
and I had a pool table, and I was like, look at this apartment.
And I'd walk in the apartment, and I'd go, fuck, this is my apartment.
This is crazy.
And I would look around at it.
I'd go, this is...
I can't believe I actually live here.
And then I got accustomed to it.
And then I realized one day, I was like sitting on the floor, and I was like,
oh, this is how everything is.
Like, once you get used to it, then it's just a house.
Right.
Like, your house, it's like all your house needs to do is be comfortable and
safe,
and you need to have, like, a nice place to go to bed, a nice place to fix your
meals,
and whatever else you're into.
After you get past that, it's just a house.
Yeah.
And, you know, Brian Cowan said this to me once, and it's like one of the
smartest things anybody ever said to me.
He said, all you want as far as money, you want to have enough money so you can
go to dinner
and not worry about what things cost.
Yeah.
And, like, that's a brilliant thing to say, because he's, like, simple in that
regard.
Like, he, that's what he, you know.
I don't have any, besides my cock ring, I don't have any jewelry, no jewelry on.
People always say to me, too, like, you're dressed like a homeless guy.
I'm like, any day could be, so you might not just be ready for it, have the
clothes for it.
By the way, that's great weed.
That's not bad, right?
I only took one, like, you saw, right?
One little hit.
Like, one little, I wouldn't even know.
It's like, and then, like, three Joe Rogans here in front of me.
So I tell you my Bill Hicks.
Yeah.
All right, only because this is, it started out where another, you know, people
are ripping
§17Transcript · 48:39–52:00
on me.
So Bill Hicks.
You know the Bill Hicks bit?
Which one is it?
The one about you?
Yeah.
That's what I was going to say first.
So Bill Hicks says they're draining lakes and putting in bleachers to see Carrot
Top.
Yeah.
Which is a great, it's hilarious.
That's a great line.
It is a great line.
And here I am, fucking 20 people and they're draining lakes and putting in
bleachers to see
fucking Carrot Top.
So I'm thinking, you know, I'm just thinking, oh, another hater, right?
So I'm, you know, I'm playing in West Palm Beach at the Comedy Corner, which
was the club
when I wanted to, when I started, it was like, I went there to audition and all
of a sudden
I'm headlining this club and Colleen McGar was dating Bill Hicks at the time.
Yes.
And so he was sick.
That was when he had cancer?
Yeah.
And so I, all I said to her was, she said something about, I didn't know he was
even there.
I just knew she was dating him.
And I said, it was like between shows.
And I said, could you just pass on to Bill Hicks that, you know, I hope I didn't,
he doesn't
hate me.
And, uh, cause she said, you did such a great show.
I said, yeah, tell Bill, if you call him later, tell him that I hope he didn't,
he doesn't
hate me.
And I just, you know, but I'm a huge fan.
And, um, the year I won best comedian of the year, he was in the, he was in the
running.
So it was like, I almost was like, you know, the fact that I won pissed
everybody off.
Cause you got Bill Hicks.
What was the award?
Don, American comedy awards.
Yeah.
Don Marrera, Bill Hicks, me and two others.
I don't forget now, but I remember this too.
And, um, and the, the, what's her name from, uh, the, from Atlanta, the tall
blonde.
She brings me up.
She says, the winner is Carrot Top.
And I go up and it's, well, she's kind of like, you know, whatever, Brett
Butler.
And so I go up and, and I, I, I, you know, I accept it.
And it was just, it was almost like, I wish, I wish I hadn't won because it was
like, you
know, I, I wanted Bill Hicks to win.
Yeah.
Um, so anyway, I set up my show for the second show and Colleen says, uh, come
with me real
quick.
I want to tell you something.
So she walks me in the hallway and who's standing in front of me, Bill Hicks.
And it was like, um, maybe a couple of weeks before he had passed and he was
really sick.
And I remember really thin and he had like, it was just, it was, it was just
weird.
And, and distended belly.
Yeah.
And just, I mean, green.
And it was just, and it just, but it's Bill Hicks.
And I was like, and he says to me, I don't fucking hate you, dude.
And I said, Oh God, he, she must've gone and told him and he's staying at the
house behind
the condo where the club is.
And I said, Oh, um, why did you, I want you to come down here and the, you know,
you shouldn't
be getting out of bed to come say that.
He says, no, I wanted to come clear the fucking thing that you and I were cool.
You do, you do, you do fucking do it, man.
You kill it.
You hear me?
You keep doing what you do.
And he gave me a hug and he, and then I went and I had probably the best show
if I ever
had, cause it was, you know, Bill Hicks gave me the blessings.
Oh, that's nice.
That's nice.
That's what the world needs, man.
The world needs communication.
You know, what a sweet that was, so he didn't have to come down and say hi to
me and he's
a comic and he's like, you know what?
I've just being, I was just being, you know, I was having making, like you say,
I was just,
I was just making fun of you.
I don't hate you.
I would just, you know.
Well, you know what?
§18Transcript · 52:00–55:23
There's people that, they don't mean harm.
They just mean to get laughs and they're saying something that's funny.
And look, I have good friends that do it to me all the time.
You know, Tim Dillon mocks me fucking almost every day.
I don't think that, I think the problem is this happens outside, away from each
other
and you don't talk about it.
You're not together.
You know, like this is the problem with society.
It's like, it's, it's, there's a comparison that can be made to what, what, the
problem
we have in society.
Like people are communicating with each other, you know, like on social media.
Sure, sure.
Instead of communicating with each other, they're communicating at or about
each other.
Sure.
How about when you text somebody and it goes through, because we're comics and
so, like
sarcasm doesn't fly in text.
All the time.
How great is that?
I'll say something like, I thought you'd never leave.
And then he's like, dude, what?
And I'm like, I'm kidding.
Like, it was a joke.
Like, I'm just kidding with you.
I, you know.
I have a few groups of friends.
We say horrible things to each other all the time, but it's, we love each other.
Right.
Like, but as long as they get it, you send a text to someone, they don't get it.
Then you're like, fuck, I was, no, it was a, it was a joke.
Yes, exactly.
But it's, you know, a lot is a lot.
I mean, you have to look at things.
You can have like the least charitable interpretation of something and it's
always going to cause a problem.
But I think part of the problem is that people don't spend enough time one-on-one
talking.
You know, I mean, even that, that back in the day before social media, that was
always an issue.
If you heard someone said something about you, you know, like someone said to
someone else
and then someone else comes to you, Hey man, fucking Bob was talking some shit
about you.
And then you go to Bob and Bob's like, that's not what I meant.
It's like, I was fucking upset because my girlfriend broke up with me or my car
broke down or whatever.
You know, it's like communication one-on-one is the only way that human beings
are really supposed
to be talking to each other.
And all that other stuff is just a mess and all this interpretation with, and
then what I do
is talk shit on podcasts for hours and hours of time.
I forget what I'm saying.
And then someone will say something, 10 years ago, you said this.
I go, that's not really what I said.
Like, you got to listen to the whole thing.
Right.
You got to take it out of context.
Yeah.
I don't hate you.
I'm not mad at you.
Right, right, right.
Come on, man.
We're friends.
You said that about Florida.
You said they should build a wall around it.
Yes.
So they should saw it off and sell it to the Russians.
I love Florida.
I love Florida because it's wild.
I like that better saw it off and sell it to the Russians.
My sister lives there.
I love Florida.
Florida's a wild-ass place.
It is fun.
And I love how Florida responded to the pandemic.
A lot of people think it's irresponsible, but I don't.
But it's not, though.
And if you look at the numbers in Florida, they're the lowest.
Well, not anymore.
No, not anymore.
Not right now.
I mean, an hour ago.
Well, here's the thing.
I saw a lot of these politicians that were shitting on Florida because of the
number of cases that Florida had.
And what they didn't realize is that New York City has tens of thousands more
than Florida or New York, which is mostly New York City.
But there's nothing wrong with Florida.
But there is something wrong with wanting everyone to behave and think the way
you do.
And if Florida, what they did, if you look at it in terms of, like, the
economic cost, if you look at it in terms of loss of life, and if you look at
it in terms of cases, you can make a really good argument that they did the
right thing.
As Gene Simmons would say, it was a pretty good run there, kid.
Pretty good run.
§19Transcript · 55:23–58:14
And now you've got a new impression.
Hell yeah, that's not even the one I did earlier.
It's a pretty good run.
I think Gene Simmons talks like this.
If I wanted to tell you how Gene talks, it's more like this.
There you go.
That is definitely more.
What is mine?
Mine is like...
This is terrible.
It's terrible.
I didn't want to shit on you by doing mine.
I was trying to do a Ringo star impression, and the guy's like, what the hell?
I did a New Year's show once at the Improv, and Gene Simmons and his whole
family came to see you, and I was fucking legitimately starstruck.
I was like, oh, shit.
There's only been a couple of times in my life where I've been, like, full-on
starstruck.
I was going to say, yeah, who did that one?
Willie D from the Ghetto Boys, full-on starstruck.
Because I was a giant Ghetto Boys fan when I was a kid.
If I'm sure I'll ever meet Ice-T, I'll be full-on starstruck.
Ice Cube.
Ice-T lives, I think, lives in Vegas.
Does he?
Yeah, I think so.
I think he probably has a place there.
He did, because I would go to, like, Vons, and they'd say, hey, you just missed
Ice-T.
And I'm like, oh, crap.
Well, Ice-T can live where the fuck he wants.
And Flava Flav lives in Vegas, of course.
He's been on that Dick Wolf show for, like, 100 years.
He's probably got a fucking billion dollars in the bank.
Like, Ice-T's been on Law & Order for, I want to say, 25 years.
Yeah, yeah, at least.
You know?
And that's, like, syndication money.
Yeah, yeah.
Because, you know.
So, you know.
Yeah.
I need a syndication money.
Those are those shows that air around the world, too.
Yeah.
You know?
Yep.
That's a lot of money.
They make a lot of money.
I had Queen came to the show.
That was pretty.
Wow.
Really?
Yeah.
That's the only full-on Starstruck where, like, weird.
The full band?
Not Freddie.
It was after Freddie died?
It was, yeah.
When did Freddie die?
I want to say he died in the 90s.
It was the 90s?
Were you?
Am I right?
I should know that.
I'm a huge Queen fan.
Yeah.
But, um, so, uh.
91.
91.
91.
Yeah.
I said 94.
Sorry.
91.
You want to talk about a rare talent?
Oh, no.
There's no one like, there's no front man.
I don't think that, if you go back and watch those things, holy shit.
Well, he was just different than all of them.
And he was, but not only just, but forget the flan, just he was so good.
And he would just work that crowd.
Like, I mean, I think about that almost every night when I go on stage.
You got to give it every fucking cent of your, you leave exhausted.
But Queen came.
And so it was like, it was weird.
They're like, uh, Queen's, uh, Roger Taylor was coming to the show first, first
time it
was Roger Taylor.
And I said, um, Roger Taylor.
I said, well, Roger Taylor, I know is like the drummer from Queen and he's
fucking not
coming to my show.
And they said, yeah, he's coming to your show.
Oh, no.
Well, it was funny.
I, they told me after.
So I didn't, I wasn't, I wasn't, I didn't think, I didn't know he was out there.
So after they said, Roger Taylor wants to come back and say hi.
So anyway, he comes back and he's like, he was just hoping my Roger Taylor
§20Transcript · 58:14–1:01:17
impression
is going to make me say, but he's like, Scott, Scott, Scott, that was just,
that was unbelievable.
Yeah.
I mean, so, you know, so nice.
He says something to me, like, you know, take a picture of my crew and me and
all that.
And I said, you know, um, I'm actually going to go to London with my girlfriend.
This is like years ago.
And, uh, he said, oh, you must stay at the house.
Yeah.
And I'm like, you know how people do.
Of course you're not going to do that.
Right.
So then I'll say, he's my number, Scott, you know, give me a call.
So I, I, I literally were going to London.
So I just said, Hey, listen, we'll meet for a drink.
He said, no, no, I insist you must stay at the house.
I said, no, we're not going to stay at the house.
We're going to get a hotel.
Meet you for a drink at least.
So we go to Stonehenge and my girlfriend is like on her deathbed.
I mean, literally just like, I don't know if she was just that sick or didn't
want to look at rocks.
And she's like, I'm with her.
I'm like, you know what?
I don't feel so good either.
It's fucking Stonehenge.
It doesn't make any sense to me.
So we said, I've got to go to, we go to Rogers now.
So I call him and I said, Hey, you know, we're hot.
He's like 30 minutes.
When sorry.
Yeah.
So I was like, we're not going to one of your stupid friend's house.
I have to go back to go to sleep.
I'm dying.
And so I said, we have to go.
It's Roger fucking Taylor, right?
So this whole thing, she has no clue in her brain.
She has no clue.
Like doesn't get grass.
Isn't it funny that back then too, if you were sick, you would go visit people
still.
Right.
And no one would freak out.
True.
We brought in all this illness.
It's fine.
I had to just stay in the car.
Just stay in the fucking car.
I'm going to go.
So we get there and you're right.
So we don't feel, you're right.
That's really weird.
It's crazy.
So we get there and it's not only a castle, it's a castle.
It's like Downton Abbey.
It's fucking crazy, right?
So my girlfriend's looking at me like, who is it?
It's fucking queen.
It's like, it's like stone's queen.
Well, she knew queen was, but she didn't grasp its queen.
It's like, we will, you know, you know, but it's everything.
It's like they're billionaires and she doesn't understand this.
And this beautiful, beautiful, beautiful countryside house.
And like I said, castle.
So anyway, they give her tea, da-da-da-da.
Here's where it gets good.
So she looks at me like, we really have to go.
And it was just unbelievable in his house.
And then Roger says, Scott, you want to see my studio?
And I just know I'm going to look over at her.
She's going to be like, it'll fucking kill you, right?
And I say, we got to go to see the studio.
Yes.
So they take us upstairs and we walk by all this, you know, queen records, gold
shit records.
The whole fucking house, just records and records.
And I said, oh, wow, Killers Live.
That was my favorite album.
Go up in the studio.
Every drum set.
It was just, I'm not making this up.
It had like, and set up.
Like that was from that album.
That was from Live Aid.
This was, and I'm like losing my shit, right?
And my girlfriend says, wow, you really like drums.
On my life, God strike me dead.
If she was sitting right here, she goes, I don't know.
And I literally was like losing my shit, right?
So I looked back and Roger's like, I'm sorry, what?
I said, she likes your drums.
Because he's deaf from playing drums.
Thank God.
Since then, I've told him, by the way, she said, she likes your, you must like
drums.
But it was, it was one of the, and so anyway, they meet us at the hotel bar
that night.
§21Transcript · 1:01:17–1:04:04
And what does he bring for a guest?
He was there for my birthday.
What do you think he brings me to the bar?
Drumsticks?
No, that fucking Killer's Queen gold album.
No.
Up the wall.
How cool is he?
No way.
And I went, oh no, Roger, I can't, I can't accept this.
And he says, well, this fuck you must.
I go, no, I can't.
And I said, you know, like, you only have a hundred more of these, right?
And he's like, no, I'm not taking this one.
It was like presented to Roger Taylor.
So I took it.
Wow.
I had to take it.
I had to take it.
But yeah, that was the, that was maybe the coolest.
And since then they've come like Brian May and them have come to, they've all
come through
and they, and they, they, they can't be nicer and sweeter and bigger fans.
Like, uh, you know, Brian May is just like, cause it's being, it's weird coming
from like
someone they're beyond, you know, fucking magical rock stars.
Yeah.
They think what we do is like, you know, like how the fuck do you tell a joke?
Like they don't get it.
So it's cool.
Well, it's for regular people.
It's like everything else though.
Right.
It's, I mean, I can kind of imagine what it would be like playing drums in
front of a large
audience.
If I started playing drums and then started playing drums in a local band,
started doing
gigs and then eventually moved up.
Same, same.
It's like everything.
It's like everything.
Incremental.
It'll be a lawyer being a rocket scientist, being strapped in the shuttle.
What the fuck?
When they rehearsed, they rehearsed, they practiced.
Well, that's why it's fascinating to watch people do something that you don't
do at all.
That's one of the reasons why I love music.
I love watching musicians because I don't know how, I don't, I can't play
anything.
Same, same.
Yeah.
So it's fascinating.
I like when I used to go to the launches and I'd see these astronauts and they'd
take
you into the, you could, because my dad worked there, they'd take you into the,
like the cockpit
and shit.
Yeah.
And you sit in these and you're like, there's 5,000 switches and you're like,
do they know?
And they go, yeah, they know where every switch does.
I'm like, yeah.
You know, that's going to, don't, not that one.
Yeah.
But it's like everything in life, right?
Especially when you take it to the first extreme.
It's like there's levels and levels to everything.
It's, it's one of the things that's most fascinating about being a person is
like, you can pick a
path.
Yeah.
And get into whatever it is that you really love too.
I always tell young kids, you know, pick something you want.
I hate when people come and say, I want to be famous.
Like, what does that mean?
You know, be famous.
You want to do something that you enjoy, right?
Yeah.
Your passion, your money will follow.
Maybe.
True.
True.
I don't know what it is.
But, but, but it's not, forget that.
Forget money.
That's funny.
Maybe.
No, but I mean.
You might starve to death.
Yes, you might.
You might just really.
But, but, but, but you want to, you might starve to death doing something you
enjoy.
Well, it's.
Because you want to go to a job that you hate going to every day.
What the fuck?
Why do it?
It's like telling the antelopes when you see the lion run.
§22Transcript · 1:04:04–1:07:21
Right.
And you'll be okay.
Well, maybe.
Maybe you'll be the one that they eat and that everybody else will be okay.
I mean, that's the reality of life is it's not guaranteed.
And there's a lot of people that follow their dreams and they still don't.
Wind up broken, man.
Yeah.
I mean, I've known that.
I'm sure you know that in comedy.
I mean, how many guys do you know that you started out with that kind of had
potential?
Yeah.
Oh, a lot.
Well, there's a lot of funnier guys than me.
I got, I got very lucky in the timing of when everything hit and I, what I did,
you know
what I mean?
Like, I couldn't imagine if I was starting now where, I don't even know if
there's any comedy
shows on TV anymore.
I mean, like, like, well, I mean, it's like Netflix.
It's like Netflix is basically it.
That's it.
That's what I'm saying.
So if Netflix isn't going to do, do it.
I used to be able to do Comic Street 5 and, uh, uh, evening at the improv and
the Tonight
Show and Conan and all those shows, the late night shows, that's where you got
your view.
Do they still have unknown comics on, like the Tonight Show or?
No, I don't think that, I don't think any late night show puts on comics
anymore.
Really?
Unless you're selling a book or doing something, you know.
I used to do the Tonight Show, like every month I would call Jay.
What's that?
That's my, that's my impression.
That's better than Gene Simmons.
That's crazy.
That makes more sense than Gene Simmons.
So I used to do that show all the time.
In fact, um, one time we were doing it and I remember I had to go back and do a
show in
Vegas.
So I, I, I, I did the show.
I think it was like, it might even been like New Year's Eve.
And he says, I said, I got to go back to Vegas.
He goes, I'm going back to Vegas tonight too.
And I said, oh, are you in Southwest?
He goes, yeah, yeah, I'm in Southwest.
I said, uh, um, I, I, I literally had my ticket.
I said, uh, he said, no, do you want to take, you want to go with me in my jet?
And I said, uh, when?
He goes, right after the show.
I have a show.
I have a show.
And I said, let's go together.
So me and my assistant and Jay get on the, the jet, his jet, and we're flying
into Vegas.
And, uh, I'm thinking, this is one of those moments you just kind of like take,
he's,
he's dead asleep, mouth wide of it.
I'm thinking the whole time, I'm so, I don't want to throw a peanut in his
mouth.
You know what I mean?
It's just like Jay Leno, his head's this big, right?
Right.
Just a big, big head.
And you're just like, I'm staring at him and he has like, he has a thing, like
carrot
top written on his, in his briefcase.
Cause I guess it was something about.
He had a folder?
Yeah, folder.
I said, carrot top on it.
But I guess it was just to, I don't know, to remind him that I'm on the jet
with him
or whatever.
I don't know.
It just said carrot.
But I'm looking at my assistant.
I'm looking, I said, this is a moment we just take in.
We're on a private jet with fucking Jay Leno.
He's passed out and it's really bad weather.
We're just, we're bouncing around like so bad, right?
And I'm, I'm, it's getting really bad.
So I'm holding onto the, the, the things like, oh fuck, is it really don't like
this.
And we hit some really bad air pockets and he's just, literally just, eh, that's
crazy.
And he's having a dream.
So he wakes up, he looks over and I'm, and I'm like, I'm like, oh God.
He's like, you okay?
I said, no, I'm really not, Jay.
This is, fuck, if I, he goes, he'd say, think, you think though.
He says, if we go down and we die, and then there, the newspaper's going to say,
Jay Leno
dies with two unknowns.
I'm like, well, you know, fucker, I was just on your show.
§23Transcript · 1:07:21–1:10:02
I'm known.
Yeah.
He really said that?
Yeah.
How rude.
Yeah, rude.
That's a little fucking cock-waved.
No, he was just being, cock-waved on you.
Jay Leno goes down with two unknowns.
Yeah, two unknowns.
How rude.
I said, I think I said something like, well, I could have done Letterman.
I would have been known, but I did your show.
Quack, quack, quack.
Jay Leno is so much better on his car show than anything else he's ever done.
Yeah, yeah.
Other than stand-up.
I asked to be on, because I've done the show with him some time, I said, can I
be on the
car show?
Yeah.
I didn't know you like cars.
I said, I don't have to like cars.
I can still be on your show and make it, well, just let me be on your show.
What kind of car do you have?
I said, I just have one.
He's like, one?
I said, yeah, I have a G-Wagon.
That's all I got.
He's like, well, that's not, I said, no, I'll be in one of the, I'll come out
of the trunk
with my props.
It'll make it funny.
We have to know a little bit about a car.
I said, I know a little bit about a car.
I mean, I know the hood is there and the trunk.
It'd be fun.
He's like, yeah, yeah, I really, you know.
It's not that kind of show.
Yeah.
It's the kind of show for someone who's obsessed with cars.
Like, I'm a car freak.
So, for me, it's like.
Okay, so you probably.
Yeah.
I'm not a car freak.
It's like if I had you on an MMA.
I mean, I like cars.
If I had you on an MMA show, do you know anything about UFC?
Yeah.
A lot?
Well, I know, I know, I know, I know, what's his, right, Dana.
Oh, that guy.
You see what I'm saying?
Like, if I had an MMA show and I wanted to talk about possible matchups and I
had you
on.
Oh, right, right.
You really wouldn't know.
I would say that guy.
He looks mean.
He looks, yeah.
That guy looks scary.
Yeah, hook him up.
Well, I went to a match.
This is funny, in Vegas.
And this is not a joke.
So I go to this, they put me right in the front of the chain fucking, right?
Yeah, the cage.
Cage.
So you already would have been horrible on your show.
That thing where the contest takes place.
The thing where the, oh, the cage, right.
So you know a lot about this, right?
I know enough.
So I'm right there and this guy's getting, I mean, badly beaten.
Just he couldn't get up.
And the guy's just, and I'm right this close to, like, holding onto the fence.
And his face is like, bam, bam, bam, right?
And he literally is getting, and he opens his eyes.
He goes, Carrot Top.
Really?
Oh, my God.
I go, get up, because I can't.
This guy was just, yeah, it was just a great scene.
Dude, dude, Carrot Top.
I said, get up.
He's like, I can't.
And I kept saying, don't hurt my friend.
Hey.
That's called a lack of focus.
He's really supposed to be paying attention on the task at hand.
Well, that's what made him laugh, because he just recognized he's that only on
the fence.
That's the guy who pursued his dream.
And maybe, you know, maybe he's one of them antelopes.
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe he's one of them antelopes with a limp.
That's just part of.
That's great, though.
§24Transcript · 1:10:02–1:12:41
For me.
I was like, dude.
Yeah, fun for you.
I was on the other side of the fence.
Yeah.
But then I kept saying to the other guy, just leave him alone.
He's my friend.
He knows me.
I don't think you listened, right?
I know.
Yeah, it doesn't work that way.
No.
So people that have never been to it live before are stunned.
The energy and also the fact it's so different when there's no commentary,
because you're kind
of like watching it play out in your head, and you hear, what is he doing?
Right.
Who's winning?
You hear like stuff like that from people in the audience.
Yeah, you're definitely right, though.
You'd have to have commentary.
Well, not necessarily, because like some fights, you just see what's happening.
You know what's going on.
You just hear the pounding.
Yeah.
You see people getting fucked up.
Just that sound.
Yeah.
Fucking.
Ah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's a lot of that.
It's like that with NASCAR, too.
I had to do, I got in with NASCAR when I was doing some AT&T commercial shit
back in the
day.
And so I used, you know, they said, you got to go to a Talladega or whatever,
Daytona
thing.
So I said, okay.
I grew up in Florida, but I've never been to a race.
And you go to that and you're like, holy shit.
Yeah.
Why?
Well, not just that, but it's like so smart.
It's like, you know, when people make fun of NASCAR, it's like they're dumb.
They're idiots.
Not only do they all come in their private jets, but the calculations and the
people and
the number crunching and the shit happening during the whole race, that's
unbelievable.
I take a quarter pressure, quarter thing and then pull that down and just crank
one.
It's like you just leave there going, fuck, these guys are brilliant.
Yeah.
There's a lot of engineering involved.
Engineering.
There's a lot of money involved.
Whenever there's a lot of money, those pit crews.
Yeah, their brain.
But it's funny how people think of NASCAR as dumb, these dumbs.
And then you look and you're like, this is completely smart.
It is, but the thing about that drives people nuts is that it's a circle.
That's true.
Just going around.
I used to be, one of my jokes in my show, I said, Danica Patrick, she had her
blinker
on the whole time.
It was some stupid joke.
I think she had her blinker on the whole time.
But they should make half the goats go the other way.
That would be fun.
Have half the goats go that way and half the goats go that way.
Right.
That would be fun.
Yeah, it would be fun.
Jesus Christ, that would be wild.
You might have just created a new sport.
There you go.
That would be fun, right?
Fuck, yeah.
Half the cars start up that way and then they go and go.
They would have to make the cars much more protected.
But if they did that.
Well, you just make them like a ramp.
And that way if they did hit it, they just fly.
Wow.
That was one of my first props I ever rode.
Dennis Miller, by the way.
Can I tell you my Dennis Miller thing?
No.
Okay.
Please.
So I was performing it.
This is one of my – it goes back to like weird shit.
So I was performing – I only had like 15 minutes maybe tops.
One trunk of stuff.
And that's how I actually – funny enough, I used to say, God, if I just build
more shit, I could do more time.
§25Transcript · 1:12:41–1:16:44
So if I had more shit, I could head like – so I had like one trunk.
It was like maybe, you know, 20 props, five were good.
I just spread it out and tried to get to – so they called me literally like
four in the afternoon.
I'm in Charlotte.
And they said, do you want to open for Dennis Miller at Wake Forest University?
And I said, when?
They said, tonight.
I said, tonight?
Fuck, it's four in the afternoon.
How am I going to get to Wake – so, you know, three hours, you can drive
there and you can open.
So I said, fuck yeah, right?
It's my first big – so I take my little –
What year is this?
90 or 89, 80-something.
Maybe somewhere like that.
Right.
And so I get there and it's a huge auditorium.
It's their homecoming.
It's fucking – right, it's like 4,000-seat arena.
And I remember the Braves were playing in the World Series against somebody.
So, I mean, he's a big – a Pittsburgh.
And the only reason I know this is because Dennis Miller is a big Pittsburgh
Pirate fan.
So I get there and I'm like just beyond nervous.
I set my little trunk up in the packed crowd.
And the guy sends me out and he says, do, you know, do 15 minutes.
I said, I don't know if I have 15.
I'll do what I can do.
The crowd was so good, right?
So I go out and I'm just – I'm doing like my Wendy's, all my fucking shit
that was – you know.
And I – like three jokes in.
And one was a car.
I said, they should make a car built like a ramp.
So if you have it on collision, you just jump over, right?
And it kills.
And then I pick up my paper cups and string with the call waiting in it.
Oh, that was the closer.
So I waited for that.
So I look – yeah, it was my huge closer.
And I look over and I see, oh, fuck, there's Dennis Miller standing with the
guy that booked me, right?
And Dennis Miller's just standing there watching.
And he's – I remember he's just being really short kind of guy.
And the guy was going like, you know – and I've only done like three jokes.
Oh, Dennis wants you to get off stage?
I guess.
So I look over and then I look over again.
Then I do it on the joke.
And then I look and the guy's like, just like wrap it up, right?
And I'm like, I've only done not even five minutes.
So I do my closer, my big, big paper cups and string.
Yeah, here's one for the new call waiting and then conference calling and then
it kills.
I'm not even done with it.
He walks out and he says, leave your shit because I was going to get it out of
the way for him.
Right.
And I said, okay.
And then he didn't say anything.
And then I went up into the rafters of the theater and watched him perform.
And afterwards, anyway, he left, right?
And so then he kicked – he said something like he picked up the car with the
ramp and he looked at it and he went and threw it.
But they tossed it.
Right.
And the whole crowd was like, what the fuck, right?
Because they loved me.
I was just – they were like, they loved me.
I was doing so well.
And they could tell that he just like made fun of me and like, you know, defaced
my thing.
And it went like, oh.
He's like, take it easy.
It's a fucking – they called me topper.
He says, topper is funny, right?
Show's over.
I go to – say hi to him.
He already left.
And he didn't want to say hi.
I said, okay.
So then for five years at least, he would make fun of me on his show.
Any show he did, he would make fun of me like in a bad right.
And then one day, Margaret Cho is on like an election night thing they used to
do with Dennis Miller.
And he says something about Keratop.
And she says, why do you have – Keratop's a sweet guy.
Why do you hate him so much?
And he says, I'll tell you why.
And he says – he opened for me and he's had the school wrong.
Notre Dame or something.
And he did, you know, 35 minutes.
He was supposed to do 10.
He did 35 minutes.
And he doesn't know how to watch his time and he needs to learn that and da-da-da-da-da
this, right?
And I'm like, well, wait a minute.
So all these shows go by.
§26Transcript · 1:16:44–1:19:58
I'm in a hotel in L.A.
Doors open.
And I said, Dennis.
And he goes, topper.
I said, we have to clear something up.
He says, what's that?
I said, not only is your story not holding – no, no, my hold – you went
long.
And I said, wait.
I said, I couldn't have gone long because I only had five fucking minutes.
So I didn't go long.
I said, let's just clear the air.
I didn't go long.
I couldn't have gone long.
There was no possibility I could go long.
And, you know, that's the story.
And he's like, yeah, well, whatever.
Bolts off.
I'm like, that went well.
And then I'm with David Spade one night.
And I said, David Spade.
I said, hey, could you, could you, like, help me clear the air with fucking
Dennis Miller?
And he goes, what happened?
I said – so I tell him the story.
He goes, no, he went long.
I said, I couldn't go – to this day, I couldn't go long.
I didn't go long.
So anyway, finally, he's like, whatever.
Just, you know what?
Let it go, dude.
I'm like – again, I want him to like me.
I want him to be my friend.
So then it was an all-star basketball game in Vegas.
And I go in and everyone's like – all the ESPN people were, you know, there.
And I sit down.
And who's sitting right behind me?
Dennis Miller.
Yeah.
So I look back and I go, Dennis.
And he goes – he says, yeah.
I said, you – I said, something about, well, I got one seat better than you.
Or something about my hair blocking.
You won't be able to see the game because of my stupid hair or something.
Probably really ruined your night.
He says, you know, you know what's really going to ruin my night?
And I said, what?
He says, my son wants to meet you.
And he was so mad.
My son loves you.
I said, oh, my God, that must really burn your – I really hate that.
And he goes, yeah, he's your bigot.
He loves Karen Top.
I said, see, tell your dad that I'm okay.
That's hilarious.
Yeah.
So now I think we've become good friends.
It was just, again, communication and misunderstanding.
I didn't, you know, I wouldn't have done that to –
Well, it's also people get real tense before they go on stage.
And if they feel like you're doing something that they don't like, some comics
get upset.
I hope he didn't have a car with a ramp.
No, I don't think he did.
He's doing my joke.
I have a car with a ramp.
It's all one of those things that's like, who booked that?
Why would you take a guy who's got, like, these witty one-liners and put them
with a guy who's a prop act?
It's like, they don't necessarily jive.
Well, actually, it would have jive pretty good because it was so different.
Actually, the crowd was going –
But that's not always good.
Oh, well, sure.
The crowd's not always good because –
Well, that's true.
I had a guy with dog – some dog thing happened before my show.
A dog thing?
It was a guy that – they sent a thing, and I said, oh, that'd be kind of
funny.
It's like dogs doing, like, whatever, and that might be cute before my show,
and it was just horrendous.
So you had an act with dogs?
It was like a dog that – yeah, did this whatever.
Oh, the dog did – the dog performed with him?
Yeah, something like that.
I forget.
Okay.
Yeah, it's been too long ago.
But the only funniest, funniest pet one I've ever seen – I think his name is
Bruce Block.
He opened for Amazing Jonathan one night.
And this is brilliant shit.
I don't know why I didn't think of this.
So there's a little carpet stage, right?
Just enough for, like, your dog.
Just enough for a little dog.
And there's a microphone, just like this.
And there's a stage, a little microphone.
And it said, please – ladies and gentlemen, please welcome – whatever the
§27Transcript · 1:19:58–1:22:56
fuck – Muffy so-and-so.
And the little fucking rabbit – this is great – walks up on the thing and
grabs the mic like this.
The dog grabs the mic.
No, the bunny.
Oh, the –
And he grabbed – this is a bunny.
The bunny.
It was a bunny.
It's not a dog.
No.
That was different.
This is Amazing Jonathan.
I wish I'd hired – it's that fucking weed.
I would have hired this guy.
It was so fucking good, though, right?
So this little bunny rabbit comes up, and he grabbed – but he doesn't just
– he doesn't just go like – he grabs it like this.
And he says, well, it's not motherfuckers, right?
So what the guy did, he's got a little feeder in it.
Right.
And he's trained, of course, to hold like this.
But then when he'd feed it, he would go like that, and he'd say, hey, motherfuckers.
And then it was like –
So the carrot – it was eating, like, food.
Yeah, it was 20 minutes of this rabbit telling really funny, dirty jokes.
And the way he would mannerism with the mic, he's like, yeah, fucking – look
at these fucking cocksuckers over here.
That's hilarious.
Yeah, it was great.
It was very – it was a brilliant –
That's brilliant.
It was brilliant.
And I remember the whole time, like – not am I crying.
I'm like, why did I not think of that?
God damn it.
That is a great idea.
And if you get that rabbit to really keep eating –
I think it was Bruce Block, I think his name was.
If you get the rabbit to keep eating, and you had some good, solid jokes –
Oh, yeah.
He could do anything.
That's a great idea.
No, it was great.
But, yeah, he never –
I think Bruce is down there doing the voice, like, hey, look at this lady over
here.
I met Dennis Miller.
The first time I met Dennis Miller, I was at one of those –
have you ever done one of those television things where you do, like, a block
of press,
and they have, like – it's been so long, I forget what they call them, but
whenever you –
Yeah, press –
Yeah, junket thing.
So there would be, like, a bunch of stars from a bunch of different NBC shows
and what have you.
And so I'm peeing, and Dennis pulls up beside me, and he goes,
Hey, Joey, you got yourself a hit over there, huh?
And I look over, and I said, Yeah, he goes, It's doing pretty good.
He goes, Yeah, that fear factor, doing pretty fucking good, pal.
Congratulations.
I go, Oh, okay.
It's just weird when you're talking to somebody for the very first time,
and you have your dick in your hand, and they're standing, like, a foot away
from you,
and they're like, Hi.
We have something in common.
We have something very similar.
I'm not making this up.
Bill Maher, if he was sitting right here, he'd remember –
I remember this.
So I had never met Bill Maher.
He was at the American Comedy Awards, and it might have been the night that I
won.
So I go into the bathroom.
I saw – I didn't know he was in there.
So, first of all, before I even do the – Bill Maher was peeing next to me.
Next to me was Casey Kasem.
Oh, wow.
And next to Casey Kasem – this is not a joke.
You can't make this shit up, right?
Was Larry Kings.
When I walk into the –
Whoa.
When I walk into the bathroom, I see – not a joke.
Three icons.
No, I see – no, he had his pants all the way down.
Which one?
Casey?
No.
Bill?
No.
Larry King.
Larry King.
That seems like something you did.
And I walked in, I remember thinking, I saw – no, seriously, but you think,
why would
you get – but he had – it's just like, who does that?
I like that.
§28Transcript · 1:22:56–1:26:11
Who does that?
When you pee, you don't –
I'm going to do that from now on.
You just take –
Yeah, fuck it.
All the way down.
And so that caught my eye.
I was like, what the fuck?
And then I see Casey Kasem.
He's really short.
And then Bill Maher.
So I literally come into my – like a horse into my stall, and I look over,
and I see
Casey Kasem, and I look over at Bill Maher.
All he said was – I said, nice cock.
And he's like, what the – and now Bill,
Bill, you know, Bill's – he just loses his shit, right?
He's laughing so hard.
And then Casey Kasem's like, what the fuck is going on in this bathroom, right?
That's comedy words.
Anyhow, right?
So I go back to my table, and Bill Maher's table's a couple over from mine.
He's got like 20 people, literally, at his table.
And he's telling his whole table, and they're all looking over at me, and he's
like, come
here.
And I'm like, fuck.
So I go over, and I go, hey.
And he says, tell him what – I said, you already told him what I did.
And he's like, that was fucking funny, and very risky.
I said, I was just – I didn't know what to say to you.
I just – I'm a big fan, so I figured, hey, nice cock.
And it's really not.
I just want to get on your show.
And he says, you want to be on my show?
And I said, yeah.
He says, call me – literally, call me tomorrow, and I'm – if you were
available
this weekend, like literally that week.
And I was on the show like three days later.
Because I said he had a nice cock.
That's nice.
Is this politically incorrect days?
Yeah, politically incorrect, yeah.
That was a fascinating situation.
You talk about like someone getting canceled from a show that was like probably
the best
thing that could ever happen.
Oh.
Like him – he was – this was during the Iraq war.
Right.
And he was talking about like – I think that his – what he said was
something – I don't
want to fuck it up.
But like who is a coward?
The people who flew the planes in the building or the people who dropped bombs
from a distance
or something.
Right.
Something along those lines.
Yeah.
And people got very, very, very upset.
And then they wound up pulling the show.
Yeah.
And then he went over to HBO and it became an infinitely better version of the
show.
And a bit – he's –
True.
He's one of the best people of our era of pushing back against the most extreme,
ridiculous,
leftist sort of censoring views.
And, you know –
And he's kind of all over the place too.
Cancer culture thing.
He's kind of all over the place with –
Well, he's very liberal, but he's an old school liberal.
As in I am.
It's like there's a thing – there's a difference between liberals that are
just like – they
think of themselves as open-minded people that realize that not everybody
starts off at
the same starting point.
So this idea of pull yourself up by your own bootstrings is pretty ridiculous.
That's me.
That's what I think.
And that we all need some social programs.
The world needs them.
I mean, when I was a kid, I was on welfare.
My parents were on welfare.
We had food stamps.
Like, I remember that very clearly.
And so, like, the idea that everybody should just figure it out on their own.
No, man.
That's not – if we're a community, we're supposed to be helping each other.
And there's a certain amount of social programs that benefit society.
But he's also a guy who realizes that there's a certain amount of pushback
against certain
aspects of our society that become almost like cult-like.
And they don't make sense.
And things get preposterous and ridiculous and they go too far with things.
§29Transcript · 1:26:11–1:29:20
And that's where Bill stands.
It's like he's more of an old school – like, being a liberal from 20 years
ago was very
different than being a liberal of today or a leftist of today.
Like, people today are, like, leaning so far towards socialism and Marxism that
it's like
– I don't know if they're doing it because they've thought it through, if
they're doing
it because this is the ideology of the moment, of the youth.
And they think they're going to reshape society and change things, which is
like every young
group thinks they're going to do that.
Every new group of people.
But Bill, in my opinion, is one of the very best of our current crop of people
that's got
a voice that speaks out against that stuff.
He's brilliant, actually.
He is.
And his show is brilliant.
Whoever's writing those things is brilliant.
Yeah.
Well, I know one of the – Scott.
Someone, yeah.
He's – I've known him for years.
He's been with him day one.
Yeah.
Well, there's –
A whole bunch of writers.
It's a very good show.
Yeah.
His main guy is great.
Yeah.
It's complicated.
You know, I feel like that show would even be better if it was like a long-format
show
on the internet, you know, with no –
Back to my shit.
I should drink.
You drink whatever you want, buddy.
There's nothing wrong with Crown.
I drank the better stuff.
I was just joking.
You know, my first beer I ever had, I was – my dad worked back at Space
Center,
but went to a launch, and I was like 12.
We go to see a shuttle launch in Florida, 100 degrees out, and I'm sitting
there.
I say, can we get like a hot dog and a Coke or something?
My dad's like, what do you want?
I said, I don't know, Coke and a hot dog.
He says, the line for a Coke and hot dog was like 70 deep, and the line for a
beer was
like two.
So my dad looks at me and says, you're drinking a fucking beer.
And I said, a beer?
I'm 12.
He goes, just don't tell your mom.
I said, okay.
So I saw like three launches that day.
I'm like, oh, my mom's like, how was the launch?
It was like three rockets.
She's like, what's wrong with you?
I said, no, I had beer.
You gave him a beer.
Yeah.
That's funny.
Isn't that funny?
Because that's my dad's thought.
He's logic.
He's like, I'm not waiting in the fucking line.
You're getting a beer.
When you saw the launch, did you wonder if it was going to blow up?
Well, this is prior to the blowing up one.
The Challenger one?
Yeah.
But I was – of course, my dad knew everybody on that one.
Oh, did he really?
Yeah.
I was in college at the time, and I was driving like a courier van.
And I remember, you know, the news came on, and I was like, what the – it was
on the talk radio I used to listen to.
Before we had cell phones, I pulled over and found a pay phone, and I called my
dad, and he was like, just, you know, at the space center and just losing his
mind.
He's like, yeah, yeah, it just happened.
I was at – this girl I was dating.
We kind of stopped dating.
We kind of broken up, and she moved to another part of the state, and I went to
visit her there.
And I think she had gone to school – I think I had graduated from high school,
and she was still a senior.
I think that's what was happening.
So she had gone to school, and I was staying at her house still.
And I watched TV, and I didn't see the actual bomb – the actual Challenger
blow up.
I saw a replay of it.
They were playing the replay on TV.
So I turned on TV, and I was like, holy fuck.
I think – I don't know if she was there or not.
It's hard to remember.
§30Transcript · 1:29:20–1:32:17
It was so long ago.
But I never forget, like, seeing it and trying to figure out what was happening.
What is – what's going on with that?
Imagine people there watching it, too.
It didn't make sense.
They're like –
Yeah, when there's a tragedy, and you get to – like, you see a video of it.
Like, is this real?
Like, am I watching something that's real?
Did this really happen?
It was – like, now you see, like, fucking Jeff Bezos is going flying around.
Like, what is he doing?
Richard Branson, they're all going into space.
Like, hey, guys, guys, guys.
My neighbors are on one of those flights coming up with Branson, I think.
So many people are giving Jeff Bezos shit because he was at a party for New
Year's.
It was a disco party, and they're shitting all over the way he was dressed.
I think he looks great, okay?
A lot of you people are fucking haters.
They're haters because they're saying –
What do you look like?
Well, here's the thing.
There's a video.
I'd like you to find this video before you show me what he looked like.
There's a video from Jeff Bezos.
He's driving a Honda, and he's being interviewed.
By this guy.
And he's worth – at the time, Amazon was just taking off, and he was worth
approximately $8 billion.
And so the guy says to him, yeah, this is it.
Play this.
1999.
Play this.
Somewhere in the vicinity of $9 or $10 billion today.
I only say that because I've got a follow-up question.
Okay.
What's with the Honda?
This is a perfectly good car.
Okay.
Now –
That's good.
This is 1999, okay?
So here we are 20 – almost 22 years later.
Look at him.
What's wrong with that?
First of all, he's fucking jacked.
I was going to say, he's ripped.
He's got a beautiful girl in him.
She's hot as fuck.
She's hot as the sun.
Looks like he's packing some heat.
He's jacked.
He's jacked, and he's dressed for a disco party.
So he had a disco party at his house.
Well, so it's like –
Well, what's wrong with that?
There's nothing wrong with that.
But that is a full transformation.
But see, that's another thing of people.
Why are people just being mean?
Well, it's just because he's now worth $180 million billion.
He's worth, like –
I think it's between him and Elon.
They go back and forth as who's the richest person in the world.
Look at him.
He's jacked!
Jacked!
Look at him.
That's that same dorky guy in the Honda, and now he probably –
Oh, wow.
You're right.
Wow.
Yeah.
He's Carrot Top in the fucking late 80s or whatever it was.
What year was it when he got really jacked?
Oh, it was more than that.
It was, like, in the –
2000s?
In the thousands somewhere.
But, yeah.
It lasted for a small bit, and I guess –
Well, he's riding that testosterone replacement therapy ride,
and he's in full effect.
But why – who cares?
But why is it that if he was a rapper –
I never understood that.
Who cares?
If he was a rapper and he was doing that,
everybody would be like,
fuck, yeah, look at Pitbull.
Right, right, right, right.
But why does anyone care about anyone else's personal choices of things, too?
I've never understood.
No matter what it is.
Well, there's two things.
Whether it's just doing steroids or doing this or doing that or doing that.
What's the point of it?
Two things.
One, because it's fun to make fun of people.
§31Transcript · 1:32:17–1:34:48
Oh, true.
So you look at him right there.
It's fun to say, oh, fucking mood life crisis.
Right, right, right, right, right.
But let's be honest, he's killing it.
Yeah.
The guy's killing it.
Nothing wrong with it.
Looks great.
Yeah.
For, like, you go back to that guy in the Honda.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Yeah, yeah.
This is a perfectly good car.
It's a great car.
Like, you go back –
No, he's a nerd, yeah.
Yeah, go back to that guy in a 1999 Honda, and then, you know, who knows –
what does
Jeff Bezos drive today?
I mean, he's probably –
Maybe the same Honda.
Got some fucking exotic handmade shit.
Yeah, probably.
They fly in from overseas.
They chrome – like Justin Bieber had a chrome –
He's probably balling out of control.
Yeah.
Completely out of control.
Yeah.
And why not?
He's –
Yeah.
Not good for him.
But, well, why not?
But the point is, it's like –
You know, like, Jeff –
Jeff Bezos is successful.
Yeah.
Why shouldn't he be jacked with a super hot girlfriend dressing like a pimp?
Right.
I don't see –
He's got a really nasty Bugatti.
Let me see the fucking Bugatti.
Let's see the goddamn Bugatti.
I like it.
Oh, shit.
I like it, Jeff.
I like the new you.
This is how I feel.
That's a great Jeep.
Yeah.
Look at that.
That's like a $5 million car.
I was trying to find a picture of him in it so I could know for sure.
I think they're worth like $5 million.
They're preposterous cars.
That's Jeff Bezos' Bugatti.
Woo!
Look at that.
Why not?
I remember doing a Tonight Show with Jay.
I remember when Jay –
He always had all those cars.
And one day I went out, you know, that parking spot.
He had right there in the front.
He said, it was a bike, but it had a jet engine on it.
Oh, yeah.
I thought it was a joke.
Yeah.
So I look.
I'm standing there looking at it.
I'm like, what the fuck?
And Jay comes out.
I said, is that –
Is that like a jet bike?
And he goes, yeah.
Yeah, that's a jet bike.
I said, well, how fast does this go?
He goes, it's the fastest one.
I said, yeah.
And I said, well, how fast have you had it?
And he's like, yeah, like 185.
I'm like, 180.
You know, of course, from L.A. to Vegas probably in that stretch of –
Yeah.
But I'm like, when else can you go like on a jet –
Why do you need a jet bike to go like through L.A.?
Like, how would you just have so much money, I'm just –
I'm going to get a jet bike.
Well, he's just fascinated by cars.
He's got a fire truck.
Oh, no, he's great.
And then I asked him to bring in –
which makes me think of the story of the cars.
I asked him, his assistant, Helga.
I said, could Jay bring in the Ford GT?
Because I saw that he had it on something.
And she said, yeah.
So pull up.
§32Transcript · 1:34:48–1:36:55
Nice enough.
He drove it in just for me to look at it.
And he says to me, do you want it for the flight you want to see?
I said, yeah.
I love this car.
And he goes, you know, I have a McLaren, you know.
I could have brought that.
I said, I don't want the McLaren.
I want the Ford GT.
And he's like, the McLaren is way better.
Like, he was shocked that's the one I wanted to see.
I have way better cars.
And I've seen the fire truck.
Imagine Jay Leonard driving down the fucking 405 with his fucking fire truck.
Which he does.
Was it the older Ford GT?
Yeah.
It was the Ford GT, yeah.
For like 2005-ish?
Yeah, probably, yeah.
With this double blue stripe on the white with double blue stripes.
It was fucking good.
What is that?
What is that one?
Lamborghini?
Venen...
Venen...
Venen...
No, no, no, no.
It's the most expensive car he has, according to the article.
Most expensive car he has?
Venen...
No, no.
No, no.
Jeff Bezos.
Jeff Bezos.
Oh, the cars...
Bezos has got a fucking million cars.
I love it.
I still like the Cannonball Run.
I love the fact he goes from the fucking Honda to that.
Yeah, to that.
He goes from dorky guy with a hair on the sides.
He might have a big pickup truck, too.
To fully jacked man with a smoking hot girlfriend on the yacht.
Cheapest car he has, apparently.
That's the cheapest car.
That's the cheapest car.
It's only a million dollars.
Wait, what is it going backwards?
It's like Southwest...
Wait, what is it?
Ferrari Pinaferina Sergio.
It's a three million dollar car.
Doesn't it look like it's going backwards?
It does look like it's going backwards.
Yeah, it does.
It's weird looking.
It's cool.
It is cool.
I love it.
I've never even seen that before.
Where's the windshield?
I would actually drive it backwards just to fuck with people.
I'd go...
That's strange.
It seems like it doesn't have a windshield.
Yeah, it doesn't have a windshield.
Do you have to wear goggles?
What if you get hit in the face with a squirrel?
Like, what if like a fucking...
That doesn't have a windshield.
That has no windshield.
Like, oh my God.
Hey, I'm in the car with him.
Wait a minute.
Jeff Bezos and Carrot Top.
But why would you buy a car with no windshield?
That's just silly.
Well, he has no hair.
He's fine.
Yeah, but your face...
It's a mess.
If you fly into a flock of birds, you're a dead man.
No.
Like, just a bug.
I like this.
He's too rich.
He doesn't need a fucking windshield.
But if you're going 180 miles now and you hit a bug, is that what it...
Maybe it's right.
Oh, maybe you can...
Oh, removable.
Removable, yeah.
What?
Really?
Maybe.
No.
That's...
I think the top one's a concept.
§33Transcript · 1:36:55–1:39:11
I don't think it's real.
I think the bottom one is the actual car.
You have to have them.
That's what it is.
Yeah, they're showing...
They just took the picture of the concept car.
They do stuff like that with concept...
Like, I have muscle cars, and sometimes when they build them, they don't put
side mirrors
on them.
And they want to keep no side mirrors on it.
And I'm like, hey, guys, I need side mirrors.
I drive these things.
But these guys who make custom cars, they don't want to put side mirrors.
They don't have side mirrors on them.
They want to keep it sleek.
Look up Joe Rogan's 1969 Nova.
My friend Steve Stroop is building me a 1969 Nova.
Look, when I was in high school, man, I was obsessed with cars, and I was
obsessed with
muscle cars.
And at the time, that's...
Oh, look at that.
Well, that's what it looked like in the rough.
But there's newer images of it where it's, like, finished, where you can see
the shine.
That's just the bare metal.
Keep...
It was released recently.
Keep scrolling.
See, I like these...
Right there.
Right there.
What you're clicking on right there?
Right there.
So that is what it looks like now.
Oh, wow.
So that's like...
But see, look.
No side mirrors.
And that's my buddy Steve.
Oh, right, right.
The cursor is over my buddy Steve Stroop, who's a masterful car designer.
You're right, though.
No side mirrors.
But you're right.
Because it would keep it more...
That's a beautiful car.
It's beautiful.
I love those...
That's a beautiful car.
Oh, my God.
I love those 1960s muscle cars.
Yeah, those kind of cars are cool.
I always wanted to find a Ford or a Chevy truck.
Oh, dude.
I can find you one.
Like...
Yeah.
I know people.
Yeah.
With the big round back mirror or window in it.
Uh-huh.
Dude, whatever you...
A burnt orange.
Oh, yeah.
Like a really burnt orange.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, you know what you should get?
You should get an Icon Thriftmaster.
Do you know what that is?
Well, you need to check out this.
Find that!
Find it!
My friend Jonathan Ward.
Jonathan Ward is...
He runs Icon.
Oh, that's it.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, look at that.
That's exactly what I...
That's it.
That's so weird.
Yeah.
Is that Ward's Thriftmaster?
That's almost exactly what I'm talking about.
I even did the same damn color.
Okay, that's a 48.
That's not Jonathan's.
That's a 1948 Chevy.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful car.
That's a gorgeous, gorgeous car, though.
Oh, that's for sale.
That's at Vanguard Motor Sales.
There's a site called VanguardMotorsales.com.
I think it's VanguardMotors.com,
but they specialize in a lot of these really cool old...
Go to VanguardMotors.com.
Just go there.
They probably have a car like this for sale there
§34Transcript · 1:39:11–1:41:26
because that came from Vanguard.
I visit their website all the time
just to see what kind of shit they have.
And if you scroll into their inventory,
just click Current Inventory, yeah.
The older, yeah, see?
Oh, wow, jeez.
So you go really old.
They have like a 1941 Willys.
But if you scroll down, scroll down a little,
they have those pickup trucks.
Oh, yeah, yeah, they do.
Look at that.
55 Ford.
Look at that black one in the middle.
I just didn't like the black one, actually.
Oh, shit, look at that thing.
Oh, and that's a resto mod, too.
So it's got a modern Coyote engine.
So it's got a modern Ford engine,
which is what I love.
I love when they take an old car,
but they put new shit in it.
Oh, they have a few.
They have four different resto mods
that are from the 50s.
Look at that F100 pickup truck,
the green one.
Yeah.
Holy shit, that's badass.
God damn.
And look at the red one in the middle.
That's another resto mod.
Yeah, this is a beautiful, beautiful car.
Supercharged 350.
But, yeah, like, this is my style of car.
Oh, no, I agree with you.
If you're going to do a car,
the muscle cars are beautiful.
Oh, my God.
Look at that Ford Bronco.
Oh, my God, it's beautiful.
Well, this car...
OJ's right underneath the OJ underneath it.
No, it's a different car.
He lives in Vegas.
I see OJ all the time, by the way.
Do you really?
Yeah.
What is that like?
Hey, scroll up a little bit.
Scroll up a little bit.
I'll tell you my OJ's green.
Scroll up.
Go left.
That green resto.
Click on that.
Oh, wow.
That's a great color, too.
That gets my dick hard.
Look at that green.
Look at that fucking car.
That made my dick hard.
God damn, that's beautiful.
Oh, my God, that's gorgeous.
That is a fucking gorgeous car.
1967.
That's beautiful.
The green on that is nice.
Oh, my God, that's so beautiful.
I love that kind of car.
Where is this one out of, this place?
I don't know where they are.
I want to say they're in...
They might be in Detroit.
I'm not sure.
Beautiful.
Michigan, yeah.
Michigan.
They're in Michigan.
But, like, look at that fucking car, man.
You're just in Michigan, yeah.
Fucking car, man.
That's what I like.
I like these when they take an old car, but they put all new underpinnings.
Everything, yeah.
That makes me excited.
That's why they call that, not even restoring.
They call it brand new.
Yeah, they call them resto mods.
Resto mods.
That's what my 69 Nova is.
Nice.
That's beautiful.
It's a 69 Nova on the outside, but Steve took the fenders of a 1969 Camaro
because they're
wider, and he fused those to the body of the 69.
Yes.
Beautiful.
That's what I like.
§35Transcript · 1:41:26–1:44:34
Beautiful.
But anyway, go to Icon Thriftmaster.
So the reason why I'm saying Icon is, is because what Jonathan Ward does, he
takes it, like,
many, many, many levels past where a normal person would take it.
And he does these incredible cars where it's, like, incredible engineering.
I mean, he works on these things for fucking years before any car ever gets
made.
And he's designed these Thriftmasters, and they're fucking drop-dead gorgeous.
Like, you see them.
That's beautiful.
I've seen a bunch of them.
Look at that one.
Look at that.
That's one that's kind of cool, but he's got ones that are, like, matte black.
Yeah, look at that.
Oh, look at that silver one.
I mean, but these things drive fantastic.
I mean, they're really cool old.
Go to that black one on the far.
Ooh, look at that one.
Yeah, that's cool.
Look at that matte black one.
I mean, come on, son.
At least Sylvester Stone would drive that in a fucking action movie.
Yeah.
They're gorgeous cars, and they're meticulously done.
And Jonathan is just a stickler for design and detail, and he just loves things
like that.
They're all beautiful.
Yeah.
There's something about those old cars.
That's what I want, an old truck.
You can get one, Brian?
So I can put my little prop trunk in the back and head to the improv.
Would you?
Yeah, do a guest set.
Pull up in that.
Do you have a guest spot set?
Yeah, no, it's funny you say that.
I used to make a joke years ago.
I'd have a little miniature trunk that would have, like, ten small props.
So if I wanted to do a guest set, I could just pop in and just walk in with it.
Do you ever do that?
No, I should, because it would be funny, I think.
Well, Vegas has a real comedy scene now.
You could stop in somewhere.
Well, I would probably go to, like, do one of the, do, like, go to the old days
and the improv when Bud Friedman tell me to get my shit out of the hallway.
The monocle.
I'll be sitting there, yeah.
Do you, um, have you gone to any of those local Vegas clubs?
Because Vegas has a lot of clubs now.
Yeah, Brad Garrett's a good friend of mine.
He's got a brand new club.
It's gorgeous.
I mean, like, they've spent a shit ton of money on it.
Is it a new one or the one that's in the MGM?
No, it's brand new in the MGM.
Just opened last week.
Oh, no shit.
Yeah.
Well, the other one that exists at Dom, I remember, loves that place.
The last one.
Yeah.
Oh, the last one he had.
The last one he had.
Yeah, it was a great, no, it was a great club, but now Brad has been at a whole
new, a new, uh, MGM.
Is it in the same location?
It's in the same location?
No, it's in the, it's in the better location.
It's in the, where the shops are.
It used to be buried down the, now it's up in the top.
That was kind of what's cool about it.
You had to go downstairs in the basement.
Yeah, I agreed.
But I, I haven't been to the new one, but I hear it, Brad, of course, is a
sweetheart.
He's a great guy.
He came to my show on my anniversary last, uh, a couple weeks ago, and it was,
it was great.
I middled for Brad Garrett in, like, the fucking early 90s.
I middled for Brad Garrett, like, 91 or 92 before Everybody Loves Raymond.
Yeah.
Way back in the day.
He's a giant dude.
Oh, no, he's great.
I, I had to rip it the same thing.
I went into the audience, and I didn't, I said, want to be announced or not?
But I said, fucking, you can't not announce him.
He's 6'7", or whatever the fuck he's sitting in the thing, in a little seat.
So I said, Brad.
And he talks like this.
Yeah, yeah.
He's so, he's so fucking, let me see.
Nah, at least I could.
I should.
I can do a Gilbert Goffrey.
What is these people?
§36Transcript · 1:44:34–1:47:31
That's pretty good.
Yeah, that's not, that's not bad.
That's not bad.
Brad Garrett!
Um, uh, yeah, so Brad, sitting in the audience, so I said, I said, Brad, and
then Brad Garrett,
and everybody's going crazy.
I said, everybody loves fucking, well, everybody loves Raymond.
They really don't love Brad, but everyone still loves you.
He's, he couldn't have been, like, nicer, and he hung around, like, three hours
after
the show in our little, a little part, after party.
Everybody does love Ray Romano.
Like, I do, I love Ray Romano, but everybody loves Brad, too.
Oh, no, Brad's very well beloved.
Absolutely.
So the new place is in the MGM, but which, is it where, like, all the shops are?
Is that where it's at?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, okay.
It's up in the upper, uh, right?
Yep.
Nice.
Yeah.
And, what is that, like, 300-seater, like the other one?
I have not been to it.
Oh, this is the new one?
Oh, that looks great.
Yeah, it's what's on their site.
That's great.
That was perfect classic comedy club shape.
Now, let me ask you this.
Are you allowed to work anywhere you want?
Like, can you go to another place and do a guest spot, or do you have an
exclusive deal?
I think for a guest spot, I'm okay.
You know, they have that stupid law, whatever, like, what's it, TMZ, what's it
called?
The, whatever that stands for, the miles.
TMZ?
TMZ stands for something mile zone.
So, you can't, you can't perform, you probably know this.
Ten mile zone?
Ten mile zone or something, right.
So, if I just wanted to go over to Brad's and do a little thing, which probably
would
be the best thing for me to do.
So, like, you could do a show in Reno, if you wanted to?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's just, like, I couldn't do one, like, yeah, somewhere else in Vegas,
probably.
I've never worked Reno.
Have you ever worked Reno?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Reno's actually a really fun, uh, just blue-
Oh, yeah, just blue-collar, fun, rowdy, drunk crowds, yeah.
We have really good shows in Reno.
You know, in fact, one time we were talking about shooting a, like, a special
or something,
I thought Reno would be a good spot.
It's not a bad spot.
It's really, it's so different than Vegas, though, because Vegas is so uptight.
And Reno's, like, a little more loose.
I was just watching a video, see if you can find this online, from 19, I want
to say it
was, like, the early 1900s.
Jack Johnson defended his heavyweight title.
I think it was against Jim Jeffries, and it was in Reno.
19-
And I was watching this video.
1890?
No, 1900s.
Early, early 1900s.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's when we started comedy.
A little bit later.
We started a little bit later.
It feels like a 1900s.
It was wild, because they built an arena, an outdoor arena, in Reno for this
fight.
Oh, wow.
It was 110 degrees outside, and they had a 45-round fight.
Oh, Jesus.
Yeah, dude, it's wild, but here's what's wild.
Look at all these guys with hats.
Yeah.
Everybody wore hats.
Everybody did.
Everyone.
Everyone had a hat.
First of all, it's all men.
If you look around, you don't see any women.
It's all men with hats.
It's weird.
How weird is this?
This is 1910 in Reno, Nevada, and everyone had a fucking hat.
They all had a hat.
Miles around to watch Jack Johnson fight Jim Jeffries.
§37Transcript · 1:47:31–1:50:59
Jim Jeffries, he went into training camp for six months for this fight, because
he had taken many years off of fighting, and he had ballooned up to over 300
pounds.
And he lost 100 pounds to get down to fighting weight.
No, that's John L. Sullivan, you son of a bitch.
How dare you?
It's Wilford Brimley.
And so he lost 100 pounds to get down to weight, and it took him six months to
do so.
That's him right there.
So that's him fit and in shape.
So he used to be the heavyweight champ, and he was a real stud back in the day,
but by this time, he was like 37 years old.
Is he still fighting?
No, he's doing commentary now.
He had taken six whole years off of fighting and lost a ton of weight and got
in shape.
No, no, Jack Johnson fucked him up.
Jack Johnson was the man back then.
So my question is, since you brought that up, look at that, the sea of hats.
So my question is, what comes to my brain is when and why do we don't wear that
hat anymore?
Why don't we wear hats anymore?
It's a good question because back then, if you had a hat business, you're like,
bro, I'm fucking killing it.
You know what I'm saying?
Everyone's always going to have hats.
But it's just so weird now, you're like, what's with the hats?
When do we just go, I don't wear hats anymore?
Those hats are the blockbuster video of headwear.
It's like they just went away.
Yeah, it's so bizarre.
They probably back then couldn't imagine a world where men didn't wear hats.
Yeah, they all wore hats.
Like jackets and coats and hats and ties.
And they were saying in the video when I was watching it that front row tickets
were going for over $100.
$100 a ticket back then.
Like what is – okay, just Google that.
What was $100 in 1910 and 2022 money?
I'm going to say – let's take a guess.
I'm going to say $3,000.
Yeah, something like that maybe.
$3,000.
That's for $100 equivalent then?
Yeah.
I want to say it's $3,000.
What is it, Jamie?
$2,000.
Pretty fucking good.
See, I was going to say $2,995 and I went –
You should have.
You would have looked smarter.
But I mean, $3,000 for a front row ticket.
By the way, that was a good – that was a pretty phenomenal guess.
Pretty good guess.
You're off like $4.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, they estimated something at the time the video was made.
They said it was like $1,000.
But at the time the video was made where it was – I think it was Jim Jacobs
was doing the commentary for the video.
And I think that was in the 80s that he was doing that.
So I just put it forward.
Right.
And so it's probably about $3,000.
That's about – that's a pretty good guess.
Fucking inflation.
That's the problem.
Yeah.
Nothing's worth anything anymore.
Shit, no.
It's crazy.
I was reading that they print – the amount of money that they print every day
because of like COVID and the economy's crashing and all that shit.
It's some staggering amount every second.
Like hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Oh, that we print every day?
A hundred dollar bills are printed every second.
Isn't that crazy?
They're just throwing money.
I know.
Do you understand the economy or do you just know how much you get paid?
Nice.
Here it is.
A little bit of the economy.
I don't know it.
A little bit of how much I get paid.
I do – I do – yeah.
How much money is printed each day?
The Bureau of Engraving and Printing produces 38 million notes a day with a
face value of approximately $541 million.
All right.
So my question to you is how long has this been going on?
I don't know.
Well, you know what I mean?
So it's not – now, I mean, we've always been overprinting money, I'm assuming,
right?
We just – all of a sudden, just now, like, we're going to start doing this
§38Transcript · 1:50:59–1:53:37
shit.
Isn't it funny how important that is and how little most of us know about how
it all works?
Yeah.
I just go, yeah, my paycheck.
Yeah.
I pay my bills.
Yeah, you know, like, you negotiate a certain amount, you get the check, and
you can pay your rent and all that jazz.
Yeah.
I really don't go, holy shit, that – yeah.
But if you did sit around and think about it – I've had people explain it to
me, explain, like, finances to me and explain the economy to me, and it's mind-boggling
and complicated.
That's why I'm a comedian.
I don't know that stuff.
No, seriously.
Yeah.
I can have someone sit right now and explain the economy.
There was a couple guys in your podcast that were explaining that.
They're not funny, though.
No.
Do you talk to guys who explain the economy?
Yeah, you're like, they're a hoot.
You should hang out with them.
They're fun.
They're about as funny as coroners.
Yeah, yeah.
And they're both equally solemn because they're just like, oh, this is over.
Yeah, what we do here is – that's my Gene Simmons doing it.
This is Gene Simmons.
That's a good Gene Simmons.
You don't even know how to do Gene Simmons, Carrot Top.
I don't know how to do Gene – you're right, I don't.
Now that you're doing it right, I can't do it.
I suck at – I can't do impressions.
I can't do very many impressions, but I can do a few.
Like Clinton, I can do – you know, I mean –
Everybody can do Clinton.
Clinton, everybody can do –
That's easy.
Huge.
That's all I can do, though.
Yeah.
Just that word, huge.
There's a guy who does Trump, and if you close your eyes –
You're like fucking crazy.
It's amazing.
Yeah.
Trump's a good one because he's got so many mannerisms.
He's got so many – oh, yeah.
So many – I do a bit in the show.
Amazing.
I do a bit in the show where I go – one thing I liked about when he would do
speeches and stuff,
he would always announce people in the audience that were out there.
Yeah.
It's always an interesting reaction when people like it.
I said, do you remember him?
I'm going like, Sally, where's Sally?
Sally, great lady, where's Sally at?
Yeah, and he points out to her.
Jimbo.
Jimbo.
Yeah.
Great guy.
He knows how to wear a crowd.
Then you do the double cup.
But, yeah.
But it's interesting how crowds – some nights they laugh, some nights they
just go – they
do that – they're kind of like, are we allowed to laugh at this?
Right.
Like, no one knows what to do anymore.
Yeah.
He can laugh.
It's okay.
Do you pay attention to politics at all or just for jokes?
Mostly just jokes.
I mean, I try to stay in tune in a sense.
I mean, I watch news and I try to stay on top of it, but mostly for material.
I try not to get too crazy into it because –
It's not good for your head.
Well, yeah, no one really – you know, when they come to my show, they're not
expecting
me to do it.
They want to see a walker with a dildo on it.
Right.
You got to see them.
They care, but they just don't care at that moment.
Right, right, right.
Yeah.
They're like – I want to hear you talk about – yeah.
Yeah.
It's a fine line.
Like, people who just do political commentary – or political comedy, rather,
it's like,
oof.
Well, yeah.
Like, you just see a – yeah.
§39Transcript · 1:53:37–1:56:46
I mean, even like – well, although Bill Morrow, going back to Bill, I saw the
special
he did.
God damn, that was an hour of – it was perfect.
It was pretty fucking funny.
Last special.
Yeah, it was pretty funny.
I mean, it was –
A lot of politics talk.
It was all politics.
Yeah.
But it was – it was well done.
And what's his name, too?
Black, Louis Black.
Louis Black, yeah.
Fucking great.
Yeah.
He does – he starts going on in that – about the – the scientist thing
when he goes,
people – you know, we pay these millions of dollars for people to do one
thing, then
research, development, or whatever, and I hope I'm doing it better, Louis Black.
And he says – and they get the thing, and they get the information, and they
get it
over there, and they gather up, and they give it to us.
And then we get it, and we go, eh, I'm not buying it.
It's their only job.
This is what they do, is they get their information, and they give it to us.
Louis Black's brilliant.
I saw him way before – literally, in a comedy club in Vegas before he blew up.
And I'm sitting in the back of the room losing my mind.
I'm like, this guy is brilliant.
Yeah.
And there was like 20 people in there, and then he got – he started doing his
specials
and doing the thing on Comedy Central – John Stewart with the Black – Back
in Black with
him.
And I remember thinking – I was that night, Don, why is this guy not – why
is he not –
Huge.
Huge.
Right.
Yeah.
Fucking brilliant.
Well, he is now.
I mean, it's one of those things.
Yeah, no, no, he's – there's so many comics like that, you just like –
there's just – which
is great, again, about styles.
It's fun to watch different styles, like Jack – or Jack Black.
Oh, Jack Black.
Louis Black, or, you know –
Do you ever go to a show?
Do you ever, like, go and sit down and watch a comedy show?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I used to more than now.
When I lived in L.A., I'd always go back and sit in the back of the room and
watch –
Well, when you're doing your show six nights a week, how do you have time for
anything?
That's just it.
It's hard.
What time does your show start?
It starts at eight.
Oh, okay.
So, yeah, you're in the middle of everything.
It's done by eight or five.
Yeah, thank you.
Tight five, and then Dennis Miller keeps you going long.
Yeah, it's hard to do anything else.
It is.
That's the hard thing.
And people always say, if you're in shows, I said, no, I – yeah.
And when I get one night off, you know, it's like, one, it's a Sunday.
There is going to be a show that I can go to.
Yeah.
Do you experience Vegas nightlife?
People that live in Vegas never go to this trip, right?
I don't normally.
Unless you want to –
I don't normally.
Unless you want to go to –
This show causes me to drink and smoke more than –
This show?
Yeah.
You're getting nervous?
This show.
No, I'm having a great time.
But, like, my friends that live in Vegas, they never go to this trip unless
they want to go to a restaurant or something.
Right, yeah.
I mean, it's tough, though.
But, I mean, if there's something like – the last comic, I think I went and
saw Chris Rock.
And, you know, I went to the whole Nine Yards, you know, waited in line, turned
in my cell phone, been a baggie and all that.
And – but –
Where was that at?
It was at the – good question.
§40Transcript · 1:56:46–2:00:10
And I've known Chris for – funny, funny fucking guy.
That guy is, right?
One of the greats.
I always used to give him grief because – again, I've been lucky with certain
comics that you think would not like me that actually do like me.
So, Chris was always a big fan.
And I said, you know what's great about you?
You tell every joke twice.
So, really, an hour special is a half hour because he always says, these people
are – right?
People are crazy.
And then he'd say, people are fucking crazy.
He would say the same line.
So, I said, really, you only have a half hour if you take them.
And then he would go, he's like, yeah, that's – yeah, thanks, Scott.
But, no, it was a great show.
And I remember watching it just thinking he's a true pro, like fucking the
writing and the delivery and just everything.
Just like from the beginning to the end, it's like fucking great.
Yeah, he's – he takes a very different professional approach.
You know, he has guys he works with where he pays them to watch his set and
then they go over the material afterwards.
Yeah, I've never done that.
I should do that.
It's brilliant.
I should do that.
It's a smart idea because, like, he has access to all these brilliant comedian
minds.
And then, you know, they'll say, when you're doing that, here's what I thought.
Right.
And they'll, like, hmm, take it into consideration.
So, you have – it's like you're putting together a show.
Sure, sure.
Like, if you were putting together, like, a sitcom, you would have a bunch of
writers and sit around and spitball.
And so, he'll do his stuff and then he'll have, like, a couple of guys will
come.
He used to do that when he was preparing for, like, the Oscars.
Right.
Come to the comedy store and he would bring a couple of guys to watch him and
then they would go over the material afterwards and try to tighten it up.
That's what I need.
Different ideas.
No, it is great.
That's probably why it works so well.
It's also because he's putting that much more time into it.
Like, sometimes it's just a matter of, like, how much more time are you putting
into the material.
Because so many comics, they're, like, they get their act and then they just
fuck off for the whole day.
And then they look at their notes briefly before they go on stage and then they
go up.
Right.
But he's – if you're working on it like that where you have, like, a group of
guys and you're saying, hey, that bit about the pot and the kettle and all that
jazz and write that.
And what about the bit about the parking ramp and, you know, you just go over
the material and just that much more focus, that much more time.
He's a guy who took – I think Chris took, like, 10 years off of stand-up.
I think he took a long –
Oh, yeah.
He did take a long time.
He did take a break.
He was doing a lot of – it was still working, movies and stuff, but he took a
long-ass time from stand-up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I think that probably just shows you how great he is because he can take
that much time off.
And come right back and be just as sharp, you know.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm sure it took him a couple of –
I feel like that was a week – and I'm not making this up.
Like, a week off?
Mm-hmm.
Whatever.
But, like, if I get – I remember the only time I ever had two weeks off when
we went to London was – it's always a week.
But I come back from a week, I'm like – like, I kind of get a little –
Right.
But it comes right back.
But it's usually, like – it's always the second show I fuck up.
I come back and I nail the first one and the second night, I'm like –
You're cocky.
Second one, you're cocky.
But you think you already did the one.
It should be fine.
Well, the first one, you're nervous.
So you're like –
Right, right.
It's a heightened thing.
Then you settle in and you're like – and then you fuck it up.
Yeah.
The second one, you get a little –
But I like writing.
I like – I like – because people say, you know, when do you put in a joke?
I mean, any second you think of it, you do it, right?
I don't sit down and – I'm not a sit-down-write guy.
So what do you do?
You just, like, come up with an idea during the day and then jot it down?
§41Transcript · 2:00:10–2:03:54
Yeah, yeah.
Or at night, right.
But, like, you know, friends of ours, like Tom Green, he – I will call him.
He's like, I'm going to – what are you doing?
Or even his Instagram.
He's like, I'm going to sit down and I'm going to write some jokes for a couple
hours.
And I'm like, wow.
In my 30 – I've never sat down with a pad of paper and a thing and said, let's
write some jokes.
And just never.
I'll just be on a plane and go, ah, you've got to actively keep your mask up
while you're eating a drink.
Something.
Right.
And then I'll – and then that night, boom, I'll do it.
And then if it works, it works.
It doesn't work.
It doesn't work.
Do you refine stuff or do you feel like –
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
But it's always raw and then it turns into, like, a whole – then you – I
mean, my crew, because I work –
but my crew say, wow, that bit's really coming together nicely.
But it takes a few times to work it out.
Like, I still don't sit down and write it out.
Like, Larry Miller used to write commas.
Yeah.
Oh, that's funny.
Oh, yeah.
Dashes and commas.
Yeah.
I was in a movie – I was in a movie with him and he gave me some great advice.
It's funny where he's such a funny guy and I had been filming a couple of days
and he was the main guy in the movies, like, the bad guy that's taking over the
company.
And I'm doing the scene with him and I'm used to working theaters, you know, so
I'm doing everything big.
Like, you know, like – but when you're in a movie, it's, you know, this, not
this, right?
So I don't know this.
I've never been in a fucking movie.
I think I'm nailing it.
So we go to the dailies in the trailer and they start watching the dailies.
And there's one scene where Larry Miller literally just goes like that.
Just his eyebrows went up and he went, hmm.
And everybody fucking lost their shit, right?
And I looked back and I said, I did all – no one – no one not only laughed
or did any reaction to any of my scenes, but that one fucking scene.
So I said, why was that?
And he said, I'm going to give you some advice.
He says, you're used to working theaters and back then I was doing all the big
theaters.
And he said, you're in a movie, it's got to be so small, work small.
And it was weird.
That day after I did that, I started doing little things as opposed to big
things.
And it was amazing how different – he made it for me.
But that first couple of days, I was – I think they don't even used any of
that footage.
It was so bad.
Was that the first movie you did?
Yeah, ever.
Ever.
And a star in it.
It's like, okay.
And have you ever done any since?
I did – yeah, I've done some smaller parts.
I didn't have a main role.
I did – I was in – I just was telling people yesterday, I was on a Betty
White and I did a Dennis the Menace movie.
And I was telling the crowd that night, I said, you know, I had the pleasure
– but you know, it's funny about comedy too.
No matter what you say, they all think it's a joke.
And even if you say, you know, the night my dad died, I came and said, this is
a weird night.
You know, my father passed away today, so it was just kind of an emotional
night.
And everybody laughed.
And I remember coming off stage, I was like – I kind of got – I was like,
what the fuck?
Why do they think that's funny though?
Like, I think anything you say, or maybe it's just because it's me, they don't
– they don't – so the other night on stage, I said, you know, Betty White
passed away.
And everybody was like, oh, and they clapped.
And I said, Betty White and I did a film together, Dennis the Menace, and they
all, you know, like, didn't believe it kind of thing.
I'm like, no, I did.
And then I told the story, I was on the Tonight Show, and Betty White was on
the show with me, and this is maybe six, seven years ago.
And she was getting her makeup put on, and I walked in, and I said, hi, Betty,
I don't want to bother you.
I just wanted to say hi.
And she goes, hi.
And she says, are you – I said, I'm on the show with you tonight.
I just wanted to say hi.
And she goes, oh, what do you do?
And I said, oh, I'm a singer, I'm a rapper, so I made something up.
§42Transcript · 2:03:54–2:07:32
And she goes, oh, I can't wait to see you, right?
And I said, do you remember working on a movie with me?
And she said, oh, I feel so bad.
I'm sorry I don't.
And I said, oh, well, we did a movie with Dennis the Menace.
It was you and Don Rickles and me and a whole bunch of people.
And she goes, there was a movie about Dennis the Menace?
Oh, my God.
Yeah, you were in – I were in it.
But it was really cute because she didn't know not only who I was.
Do you remember filming with me?
But you don't have any movies she must have done?
Oh, no, I know.
And that's why I said, okay, well, you know, but no, it's sweet.
But she didn't know there was a movie with Dennis the Menace.
That's kind of funny.
Now, Rickles is better.
This is great.
Oh, you met Rickles.
Oh, wait, no, I was in a movie with him.
That's right.
So it's two real quick things, real quickly.
So I'm doing the Dennis the Menace, and there's a scene where I – I don't
know.
I'm dressed like an Indian.
I was all these – it was Bill Murray's brother, Brian Dole Murray, and me.
And I'm doing like this – every scene, I'm a different character.
I was like an Indian.
I was an old guy and all these makeup things.
So most of the time I'd spend it in the makeup trailer.
So it's a scene where I'm – an Indian guy like, you know, we got to figure
out – because
we're trying to, you know, trick this Don Rickles that I'm, you know, whatever.
I had this route that we're trying to sell.
And so anyway, I did the scene, cut, and I did – something didn't work.
The machine or something I was supposed to hold up didn't work.
So I said, fuck, that was a great scene, too.
I was like, fuck, that was a great take.
And Rickles comes over to me and says, come here a second.
I said, what?
Seriously, he walked me out and he said, don't ever curse on a movie set.
And I said, I'm sorry.
And he says, I love you and you're a good kid.
Just never curse on a – and I said, that's great advice.
I just – it slipped me.
Cut to the next scene.
He's – we go to – no, it's literally – no, we go to the thing and we –
next scene.
And he's ad-libbing with the entire crew.
But he's saying, oh, we got the Mexican here.
Yeah, the hubcaps are gone.
I'm going to – black guy, hold your wallet.
He was doing all this, like, racial – bad, like, worse than me saying fuck.
Right.
In front of – and I remember thinking, this is amazing.
Like, I got in trouble for saying fuck.
Oh, so he was serious.
He was – yeah.
I thought he was going to do the next scene and start swearing like crazy.
No, he never – no.
And then I saw him years ago – right before he died.
Literally – which is going to be weird again.
There's like that – what do you call that Kevin Bacon separation thing.
Yeah.
I'm in some restaurant in L.A.
Well, all the to-dos are there.
I mean, literally, there's like a guy from Motley Crue is there.
Nikki Sixx.
Larry King.
Mrs. Brady.
Like, there's the weirdest people in there, right?
I'm having dinner.
And my agent says to me – I'm having dinner with him.
And he says, you should go say hi to Don Rickles.
And I said, fuck, where's Don?
He says, right over there.
And I said, it was like 10 people.
Oh, my God damn it.
I mean, you know, I'm kind of – believe it or not, in person, I'm kind of shy.
I don't want to walk in front of a fucking 10 people in there.
You know, I was approaching him all night probably.
So I said, Don – hey, Don, Carrot Top.
And he looks at me.
He says – he goes, really?
And I said, yeah.
He says, like I didn't see you coming from whatever, from Van Nuys?
And I said, yeah, I don't want to bother you.
He goes, well, that's too late.
You've already bothered me.
Now what?
And I said, I just wanted to say, do you remember working in the movie with me?
And he says, I've tried to forget everything we've ever done together.
Seriously.
Like, not even missing a beat.
I've tried to forget everything we've ever done together.
Now this.
And I go, I'm sorry.
Have a good night.
Well, it's too late now.
You've already ruined my dinner and my appetite.
§43Transcript · 2:07:32–2:11:27
Everyone say, hi to Carrot Top.
And they'll go, hi.
And he's like – and I tried to buy his dinner, but the other guy said, no, no.
I insist you can't.
Did you ever see the video of him and Frank Sinatra on Johnny Carson?
Oh, the bad one he said.
When he was talking about the dinner?
Yeah.
He said, can I come over?
Yeah, see if you can find that.
Oh, it's classic.
It's classic.
It's classic, classic.
Don Rickles, where Sinatra was eating dinner and Don Rickles came over and he
– well,
let's see if we can find the video.
Yeah, you got it.
Because it's very funny.
It's Frank Sinatra.
Give me some volume.
When you're in a romantic mood and you're trying to make out, whose records do
you put on?
That's funny.
Look at the way he dressed back then.
Jesus Christ.
Look at that outfit.
I've spent a lot of nice evenings listening to your music and I just wondered,
I said, I wonder who Frank listens to.
Oh, I play Jerry Fail or some of those.
Interesting concept.
Yes, it is.
But I can answer that by telling you that in those lovely moments, I play Daphnis
and Chloe or the Sunken Cathedral, the Engulfed Cathedral, all that kind of
classy jazz.
I don't fool around with all that other stuff.
Because, hey, look, I know you're going to do another number with the band
because I know you've got a recording session tonight and really, I'll bring it
up.
Just the way he would look at it.
Look how funny he is.
Look at him.
Yeah, he's just, right?
Genius, right?
Oh, it's tiny.
All genius, right?
Yeah, all of them.
Yeah, timing.
It's timing.
Just even look at his face.
Look at him.
Look at him.
Why don't you guys get with the band?
Why don't you guys get with the band?
Hey, Frank, it's good to see you.
I just was hanging around in the hall and they said, Frank Sinatra's here.
I've never met him, you know?
And I get the two excuses.
Certainly, certainly.
Marco Mangonanzo was hurt.
It was like an inside joke that Frank Sinatra was connected to the mob.
Not so inside either.
Everybody knew it.
Right.
He says, Johnny, you're from the Midwest.
You're busy going.
Look at their boots.
Is the truck loaded?
Is the truck loaded?
Look at their boots.
Guido says hi.
He hasn't had a chance to talk to you.
And from Jersey City, your good friend, Bubani Mbazzo.
What's his alias?
What's his alias?
He started his car with your album on, and now he's a highway.
Oh, that's funny.
But I tell you, I'm a Jew and you're an Italian.
And here we have what?
And this is a great Irishman.
This is America.
Look how these microphones, right?
You see it hanging into the frame.
For 14 years, Johnny Crosby kept saying, do you really know Frank?
And I want you to know, Frank, I worship you and I love you.
I really mean this.
Because since I'm a kid, I used to blow in girls' ears and hear you going,
and do it my way.
I need a girl so bad.
I love my wife, but she's ill.
I love my wife, but she's ill.
I just can't picture him on the wedding night standing in the hallway.
Different world back then.
Right?
Yeah, the microphone.
And I suppose it's my way.
And Barbara, his wife is going, Frank, when you get a minute.
God bless you.
He just got my, hey, all the good things.
This is the most exciting night in the years that I've known Johnny Carson.
He started me on this show.
§44Transcript · 2:11:27–2:14:01
This is the most exciting night, and I, I, I, so help me.
It's a great night.
He was even nervous, because he came to me and said,
And I said,
You are a powerhouse, and Frank, I love you.
Kissed right on the lips.
Oh, my God.
And again, Jesus Christ.
Get off me.
Did I?
It's 1976.
Here it is.
Here's the story.
You may have known or heard about this.
It was a true story.
This is a long time ago, long before Don got married.
I was eating dinner in a restaurant in New York,
and I was sitting with some friends,
and he came over to the table, and he said,
Frank, do me a favor with you.
He said, I'm sitting with a very pretty girl,
and I'm trying to make out, you know,
and he said, I told her I know you,
and she really doesn't believe me.
Would you stop by the table?
I said, all right.
I was just about finished.
I was down to the espresso,
and I, finally, he went back,
and I walked by the table,
and I said, how are you, Don?
Nice to see you.
He said, can't you see I'm eating, Frank?
I went for the whole thing.
You got stuck with my mouth open.
How great is that?
It's pretty great,
but the YouTube fucks it up
with those big screens in the bottom.
Like, you can watch this,
or you can watch that, or.
Yeah.
Do you know the Billy Crystal one?
Which one?
It's pretty great.
Another one with Don Rickles?
No.
So, Billy Crystal,
and I'm going to mess this up.
Billy Crystal, by the way,
I was kind of,
I didn't grow up with Billy Crystal,
and I didn't really,
and I went and saw him in Broadway
when he did that 48 Sundays,
or 52 Sundays with his father,
or whatever it's called,
54 Sundays.
What was it?
Well, it was a one on Broadway,
but it was the most remarkable thing
I've ever sat through in my life.
I mean, you laugh, you cry,
and then you're laughing again,
and then you're crying really hard,
and then you're laughing.
And he couldn't have been nicer
and took a picture of me after
and on the set,
and anyway,
big, huge Billy Crystal fan.
So anyway,
I go back and I watch one of his,
very similar to that.
So he said Red Fox
was going to play in Las Vegas,
and so he flew from LA to Vegas
just to see Red Fox.
It was like at midnight
at the, you know,
whatever,
Stardust or whatever hotel
it was at the time.
And of course,
he used to tell the story better,
but he says,
so I get on the plane,
I go there,
and I look,
and I say,
oh shit,
it's at midnight,
so I have to,
I'm not going to,
I got to set my alarm
and take a nap.
So he sets his alarm
for like 1130,
gets up,
goes down,
§45Transcript · 2:14:01–2:15:48
gets dressed,
goes down to the club,
walks into the comic club
Red Fox was going to play,
and there's like four people.
So Billy's looking around,
he's like,
wow,
this is going to be weird.
And they said,
ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Red Fox.
And they play the,
dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun,
right,
the music from the thing.
And he walks up
and grabs the mic
and he goes,
fuck this shit,
and they play,
dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
They walk him up.
And he's like,
I flew all the way,
yeah,
Billy,
Billy,
of course,
does it way better,
but how great is that?
He walked,
fuck this shit,
threw the mic down
and he was like,
well,
I flew all the way here
and couldn't happen.
I get it from Red Fox's perspective,
but fuck.
It wasn't in a breeze way.
Can you imagine having the opportunity
to see Red Fox live?
Mm.
I think that's why Billy,
or he did that.
Yeah,
no one's there.
He was like,
I gotta go watch this.
That's the days before social media.
You couldn't get anybody
to come see a show.
They didn't know
they were gonna go see a legend.
Right.
You know?
But, yeah,
funny.
Red Fox had a comedy club in L.A.,
apparently,
at one point in time.
Yeah,
Richard Pryor used to play there
and there's some cassettes
that I bought at a truck stop one day.
I love Richard Pryor, too.
And Red Fox.
There was shows
that were recorded
at Red Fox's comedy club.
And you can get them,
they're on YouTube,
I believe.
Some of them are,
at least.
And these recordings,
they're really interesting
because it's not,
it's not like
the most produced recordings.
You hear glasses clink
and you hear ice cubes
and stuff.
And Richard Pryor
is fucking around.
Isn't that great?
Oh,
it's amazing.
It's amazing.
He's riffing
and ad-libbing on stage.
One of the funniest guys
I think we ever had.
I mean,
honestly.
Oh,
yeah.
Groundbreaking,
right?
§46Transcript · 2:15:48–2:17:45
Yeah.
He's certainly
in argument as the goat.
It's hard to say
who's the greatest
because you have to
always go back to,
like,
Lenny Bruce started it.
If it wasn't for Lenny Bruce,
who knows where
the art form of stand-up comedy
would be today?
He broke all the rules,
yep.
He was the first
that does comedy
the way we do comedy.
We just talk about things
and say what's on your mind,
talk about social issues.
But Richard Pryor
was the first
to talk, like,
personally about himself
and make it vulnerable
and really funny
and really honest.
There's a scene out of the,
true,
there's a scene out of,
and I've been saying this
for probably, like,
two weeks now
when I flew last.
My iPad,
I'm the worst at technology.
I'm an old fuck.
I don't know how to,
I don't know how to download shit.
I don't know how to,
I get on a plane.
I don't know how to get
on their thing
to watch movies.
So I have two movies
on my iPad
that I watched a thousand,
well, one is a Queen documentary
that I watch,
and then there's one,
Richard Pryor,
but it's an old movie,
California Suite.
And there's a scene
you should watch
with Eddie Murphy
and Bill Cosby
that from the beginning
to the end,
it's like five,
Eddie Murphy and Bill Cosby?
No, no.
Sorry, Bill Cosby
and Richard Pryor.
Oh, okay.
And the scene
is fucking great.
They get,
their car breaks down,
they got their wives
with them,
and from the beginning
to the end,
he's like,
he slams the hood
and he says,
didn't the man just say
don't slam the hood?
Not a bad Cosby.
It's not good.
It's right up there
with Eugene Simmons.
Did the man just say
nothing in the hood?
And he says,
he says,
if you can find,
it's,
I'm telling you,
it's like,
it's just,
it's brilliant,
not only just
the writing of it,
it's timing
and how they fucking,
and I think the movie
did okay,
but I mean,
§47Transcript · 2:17:45–2:19:06
you go back
and you're watching,
it's like,
God damn,
it's funny,
but now the key's in the car.
Who put,
who locked the keys in the car?
I know,
I didn't lock,
put the keys in the car.
The guy said,
now the keys are in the car.
Well,
he goes and then all of a sudden
you're driving,
there's a big hole
and the thing is,
I'm not paying for the fucking,
it's just,
it's great for the,
you think you could find that one?
California Suite,
Richard Pryor,
Bill Cosby.
How long is it?
Not long.
Why,
you running out of time?
You got dinner plans?
No.
I don't know
if this is the right scene.
No,
that's not the right one,
yeah.
It's on the highway,
put the highway.
But this is the movie,
wow,
what year was that from?
78.
78.
Highway one,
although every scene
they do together is great,
but the highway one
for some reason makes me laugh
because it's just,
it just,
it just,
it just starts right
from the beginning
where it's not too long,
it's like two minutes.
Oh,
fine,
I don't know.
Sorry.
It's like two minutes long.
It's not long.
But it's a great,
I don't know,
you look back
and you think,
God damn it,
they were,
how funny they were.
Well,
you also have to think
if it's 1978,
right,
like how long
have they been doing
comedy movies?
Like what was the first
comedy movie?
Was it like,
Oh,
you mean for them?
For anybody.
That's a great question.
What was it?
Well,
when there's been comedy.
Comedy movies,
they,
they really,
I mean,
was it Laurel and Hardy?
Was it the Marx Brothers?
Yeah.
What year do you think
the Marx Brothers were?
I have all the Marx Brothers tapes.
I love the Marx Brothers,
yeah.
That's what,
30s?
Yeah,
§48Transcript · 2:19:06–2:20:29
30s are super,
33.
30s.
30s,
yeah,
dang.
So that is only like
45 years after
the,
kind of the earliest.
Yeah,
the slapstick
with the,
but yeah.
Buster Keaton,
I guess,
was probably earlier
than that,
right?
Yeah.
Buster Keaton was wild
because he did
all his own stunts.
Michael,
you're Batman,
right?
That's Michael Keaton.
No,
that's Michael Keaton.
You son of a bitch.
Buster Keaton.
I have a Michael Keaton story
when I hear it.
It's great.
Okay.
It's just great about this.
Honestly,
so this is not a joke.
So I go to a U2 concert
in Vegas,
right?
And this,
everyone,
everyone,
it's a stadium,
right?
They put all these celebrities
in this little fucking pit
so everyone's screaming
and it was like,
Sigourney,
we,
all these people,
it's weird,
it's like 20 years ago.
Everyone's like,
can I talk,
right?
And I'm,
I'm saying hi to everybody
and I look next to me
and it's,
uh,
Michael Keaton
and he's,
he's not only baffled
but he just doesn't
understand who I am,
what the fuck,
because,
you know,
everyone in Vegas is,
can I talk,
no idea.
So I'm,
I'm a risk taker,
right?
We're a young comic
and he looks over at me
and he says,
who the fuck are you?
And I grabbed his shirt
and I said,
I'm Batman.
And he,
no,
he was not happy
and the guy
from R.E.M.,
Michael Stipe,
the lead singer,
he's like,
fucking lost his shit.
He's like,
god damn it,
dude,
that was fucking great.
He said,
you saw that?
I said,
§49Transcript · 2:20:29–2:22:25
I don't think he was happy.
Fuck him,
man.
I went,
I'm Batman.
Well,
he set me up perfectly.
Who are you?
Oh,
here we go.
All right,
this is a funny scene.
I think you're gonna,
just watch the beats.
1978.
This is such a great scene.
Well,
that's just fine.
Unless you're making a pot of tea,
I think we're in big trouble.
I didn't build a car,
I just stole it.
I actually don't think
we can play this whole thing.
Okay.
Because of,
did you look at the gauge?
We're just waiting
to slam the hood.
I looked at the gauge more
and I looked at the road.
I ran off the road.
I did not run off the gauge.
So if you looked at the gauge,
it wouldn't have overheated.
I mean,
looking at the gauge real good
stops it from overheating?
No,
but you've got to speak up.
You've got to say,
hey,
the gauge says we're overheating.
This is not the kind of news
that you keep to yourself.
You know,
I hate credit cards.
Why don't we just leave it here?
At least get to the hood part.
I hate rental cars.
Yeah,
like,
did the man just say
he didn't slam the hood?
What's the matter with the doors?
Didn't the man say
not to slam the hood down?
Didn't the man say
the doors sometimes lock
when you slam the hood down?
Did the man say
I would burn my hand?
I just got the keys.
The car's got the keys.
Why didn't you take the keys?
I only went from my seat
to the hood.
I thought it would be safe.
If you're on this side,
stand over there.
What fool closed the window?
That fool closed the windows.
Even with my eyes on the gauge,
I saw that fool
close the windows.
The air conditioning
doesn't work
with open windows.
Now the car doesn't work
with closed windows,
does it, fool?
Smile, everybody.
We're in Los Angeles.
Different time.
I'm not paying for this
different time.
I wonder,
I wonder too,
like you said,
like,
especially with movies
and comedy
and all that,
you have to really,
it's like they were
best friends.
Yeah.
They just,
they wasn't even like,
it was ad-libbing,
§50Transcript · 2:22:25–2:23:49
it was perfect.
Well,
it's a different time
about what's funny
and what's not too.
Things were funny,
people were more innocent
then than they were now.
Well,
remember Eddie Murphy's
special when he said
about Bill Cosby
calling it,
remember?
Yes.
Right?
Yeah.
Well,
he's working with
the original
potty mouth guy.
Well,
I mean,
he's the guy he called.
that's who Eddie Murphy called.
Right,
no,
he called and he said,
did you tell Bill Cosby,
yeah,
you tell Bill Cosby,
have a coconut smile,
shut the fuck up.
Well,
it's funny because like,
that's similar to like,
Don Rickles telling you
not to swear.
Yeah,
it was really weird.
People are like,
they,
Bill Cosby was a stickler
for that too.
People thought that there
was like rules
that everyone had to observe
because at one point in time,
if you had to work,
you really did have to
observe those rules.
Like,
you couldn't swear.
You know,
when Don Rickles
is telling you this,
I mean,
he's talking about like,
life in the 60s,
in the 50s,
you know.
And I think he really
didn't curse.
And I think,
yeah,
I thought you were thinking
the story was going to go
where he went on
an F-bomb rage after,
but no,
he was serious.
And then he went on
to this whole different thing
that was so inappropriate.
Well,
it's so weird
that like back then,
like words,
like swear words
were so meaningful
that had so much impact.
Oh,
yeah,
yeah,
yeah.
I mean,
today,
it's just a commonplace thing
for someone to say fuck
and most shows
have swear words in them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Especially nowadays,
right.
Sure,
even network television
is kind of like.
Yeah,
because,
§51Transcript · 2:23:49–2:25:18
well,
because of cable
and because of the internet
and Netflix
and all that jazz.
But back then,
if you wanted to work
on television,
you had to be fucking clean.
Like,
do you remember in the 80s,
like people would tell you,
hey,
you got to work clean.
Yeah,
cruise ship clean,
that kind of stuff.
Fuck up your act.
State fairs,
I used to do state fairs.
Yeah,
and I used to do
an hour shows
in front of state fairs
and kids of all ages.
Yeah.
It was a comedy club
way back in the South
when I worked.
The guy,
I thought that was pretty funny.
The owner said,
or the club owner said to me,
I did the first night
and the next night
I came in to set up
and he says,
maybe you've heard this term,
but he says,
could you maybe
pull the fucks a bit?
I said,
what do you mean?
Pull him.
Like,
like,
like,
say,
but not,
you can say fuck,
but don't,
I'm not making,
I said,
what do you mean?
Like,
he's like,
just like,
pull him a little bit,
like,
just saying fuck,
just kind of like.
The owner's telling you this?
Yeah.
And I remember thinking,
how do you pull your fuck?
Get the fuck out of here.
Some jokes,
yeah,
but some jokes you need,
that's the whole joke
when you say fuck,
right?
You gotta say fuck
or it's not funny.
Right.
Yeah.
Not every joke needs a fuck,
but there's some,
you gotta say fuck.
Yeah.
Like,
you lock your keys in the car.
Yeah.
Fuck.
Yeah.
You can't say,
why didn't the man say
not to slam the hood?
No,
you gotta say the word you mean.
Yeah.
Well,
this has got,
that was a good time,
man.
I'm glad we got to meet.
Thank you.
Glad we got to hang out.
Yeah,
thanks for listening to all my stupid shit.
§52Transcript · 2:25:18–2:26:21
It was a lot of fun.
Yeah,
it was a lot of fun.
It was.
We went through five bottles of booze.
We had a good time.
Couple cigars,
half a joint.
If people want to see you in Vegas,
what's the best way they can buy tickets?
Probably Luxor,
I think,
the Luxor,
or Carrot Top.com.
Okay,
so you can buy tickets.
I think you can buy,
I think you can,
I've never,
I don't know,
I think so.
But yeah,
Luxor,
every night.
Every night except Sunday.
Every night,
oh,
there we go.
Look at you fella.
Look at that.
Your hair changes color sometimes.
It does.
Well,
that's just,
yeah.
I put some green
and some purple
and pink in there
for the New Year's Eve.
Carrot Top.com.
Yeah,
Carrot Top.com.
Buy Vegas tickets.
There you go.
So six nights a week,
most weeks.
Yeah,
we take off a little bit
here and there,
but we're there
for most of the year.
And if someone wants to see you
when you're on the road,
all that schedule's up on Carrot Top.
Yeah,
yeah,
I'll be on there as well.
Yeah,
we're going to be in
a whole bunch of places
Twitter,
Carrot Top.
Carrot Top.
I think they're all Carrot Top.
All right.
I think.
Well,
thanks,
brother.
I appreciate it.
Thank you, buddy.
It was very,
very good to meet you.
It was a lot of fun.
It was.
Bye,
everybody.
Sure.
Sure.