Moment 69 - People Pleasing Is Hurting You: Lewis Howes

00:02you talked you described the reasons why in your trauma that that made you a people pleaser and do you know what's really interesting is when you told me that you were a people pleaser um i couldn't believe that i'm like what you big tough athlete man people pleaser carrot you know what i mean but it just it goes to show that that sort of that trauma in us yeah um is kind of agnostic to to our mask or absolutely you know certain and i when you told me that because we had a little bit of this conversation just a hint of it in when we met in dubai i realized that i'd been a people pleaser really but i never thought i was in all of my relationships i think the significant reason why they failed is exactly what you've described i've gone in trying to compromise everything really oh my god for love my god keep the peace keep the love just to just to keep them and try and keep them happy um with me and in the short term that day fine you go any kind of mid to long term time horizon and it's resentment it's exhausting anger exhaustion arguments a weight a weight so exhaustion man you know i take full responsibility for every relationship i've chosen and been in and stayed in because i could have gone out of

01:15any relationship at any moment but i was afraid and i lacked the really the self-confidence to step away because I was afraid of losing love. But it's not real love if it's inauthentic. If you're having to change who you are to make someone happy, I just don't feel like that's real love. I'm all for making adjustments and alignment with certain things, but it shouldn't be changing your core essence of who you are to make someone happy. That's not real love.

01:43You said something to me, which really puzzled me because I've never heard it before, which was when I said, I started talking to you about what things I should be compromising in my relationships and you went no compromise i mean for me i don't believe in compromising who i am yeah if you're like listen this week i want to go to this place for restaurant and next week you can choose that's i guess a compromise of like activities yeah but not compromising your core values and your authentic power if we are compromising our authentic selves We're essentially saying, screw you to our creator.

02:19You've created us for who we are. And no, I don't want to be this way for one human being because it doesn't make them feel good or it makes them unhappy or they're afraid or scared. As opposed to who can I be if I'm 100% myself in life? And I'm not saying like, if you've got flaws, adjust those, improve those. Like I'm willing to improve and adjust all my flaws. But if it's something that's at my core is my personality, I'm not changing for anyone.

02:48Why? I want to be changing for one person. That just doesn't seem like a good, I don't know, situation. And I've done it for too long. And with Martha, your current partner, you had a conversation very early on about your unwillingness to compromise your core values. Yes. And my priorities. And your priorities. Yes. So tell me exactly what you mean by your priorities and how that was received. Man, I told her probably like three months in. I knew in the first night I met her, I go, I wanted to be single.

03:21I was like, just got done this healing journey, get out of a relationship. I was like, I really want to be single for like a year and just be single. And I met her before that time. And I remember thinking, oh, crap, there's something unique and special here on a different level, more than just sexual attraction. There's a spiritual connection. There's something deeper that I can see a vision of something incredible that I couldn't do on my own, right?

03:52And I was like, let me just string this along as far as I can before I get committed, right? Let me just give it some space, not jump into this thing too fast. Like, let's just take it slow. And after about three months, I said to her, I go, listen, I'm going to tell you something that I don't think you're going to like. And I said this many times to her. I go, I'm going to say something right now that you're probably not going to like. And I don't think any woman wants to hear this from a man.

04:14I'm just letting you know. And she's thinking I'm about to drop a bomb or something. And I'm like, you may not want to continue dating me after you hear this. She's like, what is it? Now she's freaking out. I go, you will never be my number one priority. Never. and I had an explanation I said listen my number one priority needs to be my health because without my health I can't fully show up for my number two priority which is my mission or my calling from God oh god you wasn't even number two Lewis and I said you're not number one and you're not number two you're number three and no woman wants to hear I'm the third priority in some man's life.

04:58They need to make me number one. I need to be thinking, they need to think about me all the time. I'm number one priority. Otherwise I'm out of here. And it's not that she's not a number one top priority, but health needs to come first at all times. That doesn't mean all day I'm doing my health. It's just, I need to make sure every day I'm taking care of it. This is a top priority. If this is number two, number three, number 10, I'm not going to be good for you in our relationship.

05:23I'm not going to have energy. I'm going to be more moody. So I need to make this a priority first for the second priority, which is my mission, my calling from God, the universe, the world, whatever you want to call it, whatever is speaking through me into the existence. Because if that is not a high priority for me, then I'm going to be unhappy because I'm going to feel like there's something calling me in the world and I'm not doing it because I'm giving more time and attention to one person.

05:50but if I'm healthy and working on myself, if I am putting energy and time into my mission, then you're going to have the most incredible relationship of your life because I'm going to be of service to you in such a high, beautiful, authentic way that you're going to be feeling like you're the number one priority. But you just have to be in awareness that this is where I'm coming from. And it doesn't mean I'm not going to be spending all my time with you and I'm free and We're not going to have an amazing life.

06:18But you've got to be aware this is my priorities. And the crazy thing is, right when I finished, she said, that's the most amazing thing I've ever heard. Because that's exactly what I've been looking for. I've been dating guys with no purpose. None of them had a purpose. They made me their purpose. And I was like, no, what's the thing you want to do in the world? What's the calling you have? And none of them had a calling. They had stuffed activities.

06:42They had hobbies. But it wasn't like a main calling in the world. And she was like, you're the perfect match for me because you have a mission to serve the world. And I'm cool with that. Were you trying to scare her off based on a previous relationship? I was trying to scare her off by saying, I'm never going to change who I am. Based on a previous relationship? Based on five previous relationships. It was based on every relationship before where I abandoned myself to try to make one person happy and create peace in an environment because there was never peace.

07:15and it's my responsibility it's my decisions by choosing these relationships by staying and by not leaving sooner and so it's never because i just wanted to fix the relationship i was like okay how can we make this better what mask have i got to wear exactly yeah and so man it's it's liberating and freeing and the only way this works is because this sounds bad i'm going to say something that probably sounds bad i think my girlfriend would be okay with me saying this but But the only way this works is I'm willing to walk away at any moment.

07:50I don't want to walk away. I want to be with this woman. She's incredible. She's a gift in my life. But if it's not in alignment with her values, her vision, her lifestyle, my values, my vision, my lifestyle, and we don't fully accept who we are, then we shouldn't be together. And I want the best for her, and I want the best for me. so as sad as i would be i'm willing to walk away any moment if it compromises giving up who i am and it brings me peace because i'm not attached i'm committed i'm holding it loosely you know i'm got my hands wrapped around the relationship but i'm not suffocating the relationship i'm not squeezing it to death i'm like okay you can you want it you don't need it yeah i want it i'm committed, I'm all in, but I'm not going to change who I am to force it.