Moment 62 - Mens Mental Health Isn't Talked About Enough, Here’s Why: Roman Kemp

00:02talk about toxic masculinity there one of the things that's always associated with that is just men's lack of willingness to like make a phone call yeah to a friend and say listen i am not okay and you know you you also have been very open about the day where you were feeling like that and your superwoman mother yeah once again um she she called you coincidentally or yeah yeah yeah coincidentally well it was kind of like yeah i went to call her and then like I texted her a couple of times and then she just called me.

00:32Because you were feeling bad. So you text her. Yeah. I mean, people will tell you this, but when you're in that zone, you know, if you're in an absolute spiral, everything goes into a right blur. All I know is that I was in my house and I was in my pants and I was, I could not stop crying and I couldn't stop worrying about everything. And my head was going like a whirlwind. Like I was worrying about stuff that wasn't even logical. like what was your brain telling you i can't even like i can't even describe it like it's like the only way it feels like anything in my head that could have been a problem was a problem have you ever had like you know when you're you're hung over and it were like the next day i don't know if you drink but the next day right if you have a hangover you have this like paranoia thing like throughout like stuff just makes you feel a little bit edgy like yeah yeah yeah it's like that but a million times the only way also that i talk about it is like it's like paranoia and it's like mike your brain becomes mike tyson and is just beating you up and you've not had one boxing lesson in your life so you're just kind of like you can't do anything you're just taking it right and it's like your things like you look bad you've not done this

01:47your tax bills this you're this you're this you're this you're this are you ever going to do this you're never going to do this loads of like voices and at that point i just said to myself you know i can't i don't know what to do and the only thing i could think about was i was okay well i'll just i'll just you know take my own life i'll just kill myself that's that's how honestly how i felt because i was like that's the only way to stop this your whole mind just blanks and that's that's the same thing that i've spoken to a lot of people that have attempted to take their own life and they all say the same thing. Those moments that you have are completely like just so intense that your mind goes, implodes and you don't even know. And that's why a lot of men will tell you that when they, you know, if they take it to that step, which is a huge step to decide, okay, I'm going to take my own life. A lot of men go, that was my happiest moment because I felt like in that time I was in control of my life, which is a really scary thought and a really sad thought that they feel like the biggest amount of clarity that they've ever had in their life. And the moment where they felt at peace was when they felt like, okay, I'm going to do this and everything

02:59will stop. But the problem is, is that that's not the answer. And it's really not. And when I speak to, you know, in the documentary, I speak to Joe's mum, keep in mind this is three months after her son has passed away and she's had to be told that his son who she's raised has taken his own life she she sums it up in such an amazing way which is kind of touching on a very dangerous topic of selfishness around suicide which a lot of people don't want to talk about but it's the the truth which is suicide isn't necessarily a selfish act by that person but the problem is is that no matter what pain that person is feeling in that moment no matter what pain you're going through in your head or sadness you do not get rid of that by taking your own life all you are doing is you are transferring it to everyone around you and you are transferring that on average 180 people get um affected by one singular suicide and and that is what you are doing and it's just a fact you You know, like for two months, I absolutely hated Joe.

04:08I hated him. After he died, I felt quite cold because I was just like, how could you do that? I felt like, how could you leave me, your mum, your dad, your sister? How could you do that? How could you let someone find you? Like, do you know what I mean? So it's in that that you realise that no matter how much that clarity is there and you feel like you're escaping a problem you are passing that on to someone else and that's what's left behind you and i know for a fact that i know like i would put so much money on that if he was here right now he'd look at me and say sorry mate made a mistake 100 so much i was thinking about there so the first thing is my business partner also said to me he wanted he was considering jumping in front of a train that's what he said to me in our private conversations the other thing is just this this um it's really it's really hard for someone who's not been through what you're describing there what you went through and evidently what joe went through to understand the that place if you've not been there that's this is why it's so valuable and like i was thinking you know must as you kind of alluded to there you didn't choose to for everybody to ask you in every

05:20interview about this topic but the the immense value that it's like it's doing on someone like me who's been fortunate enough not to be in that place who can now understand from your description there that mike tyson description can now understand that how that must feel yeah but i can't but i can almost but the thing is the thing is is what's better is because you are in a higher risk category than me yeah i know which is fucking terrifying yeah because but but now that i've spoken to you about it and you're not because because that's that's the problem is that you know all of the guys that i spoke to said to me they were like didn't think mental health was a thing was a thing didn't think what i was going through was depression thought i was just rubbish and just thought i you know i wasn't where i wanted to be in life just wanted that to end that's the the realization of it you know and again it's it's that thing of you know it's a it's a topic that no one really wants to talk about and is also why I was so adamant that the worst okay this is the worst thing right is if you're in that state your mates in that state right the last thing he wants to do is talk to you about that so why is the kind of push always oh if you're feeling

06:43depressed, you should talk. No, that's the last thing I want to do. If anything, you're going to make me revert more, right? You're going to go back more. The pressure should be placed on us as friends to make that call and to make that conversation happen with anyone that you would ever suspect. Even if you don't suspect it, make sure. How sure are you? How sure are you of the people in your phone book or your close friends that they're not thinking these thoughts? Not sure enough but that's what i mean so all you have to do is have that conversation but that will take you having that conversation i always say i do a lot of talks for for businesses about mental health and um i always leave it with you know go away today choose three people in your phone book that you speak to regularly and ask them ask them are they okay but do it twice you know and that's something that i learned from a group of lads who had lost their mate they now look after each other by asking at the beginning of the conversation are you okay have the conversation and then just go back to it and be like so tell me are you okay choose three people do that two okay rule on them and tell me that you haven't found

07:51something new from at least one of those people