Artie Lange

00:00Check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. That was a struggle to put that tweet out, and I think I fucked it up. As I was releasing it, I was like, bitch, you didn't even spell check that. Artie Lang, ladies and gentlemen. Artie Lang, yeah, I fucked it up. Whatever. I didn't do the right thing. The colon was fucked up. Damn. Whatever. People figured out. Artie Lang, ladies and gentlemen. Artie Lang can play some fucking pool. Oh, yeah, man. You got a pool table out there. I didn't get this body running 10 miles a day. But, no, we played a couple games in the pool, but you kicked some ass, too. It was fun. It was fun. Did you play in a pool hall as a kid or something? Yeah. Well, I tore my ACL when I was 21, and I couldn't work out until I got it fixed. My friend John Tobin, who was a stand-up comic from New York, he and I used to meet at this

00:56pool hall and just shit away our days. Right. and wear comics. Right. And I just started playing obsessively. I got hooked on playing in tournaments. Yeah, I went through a nutty time where I couldn't stop playing pool. I had always delusions of grandeur that I was never going to have to worry again. Like Jackie Gleason in The Hustler with the chubby fingers going, ace in the corner. It's so classic, right? When Paul Newman goes, look at that little chubby guy walking around like a chubby ballerina. Look at the way he moves. Like a dancer. It's like he's playing the violin. The stick stuck between his chubby little fingers. Yeah, that is an amazing movie. That's one of my all-time favorite movies. Absolutely. Jackie Gleason's a hell of an actor, man. Yeah, and we were saying, Jackie Gleason might have been like the best celebrity pool player ever. Like, Jackie Gleason can run 100 balls. It's hard to find somebody.

01:45He almost beat Moscone once, I think, in Stray Pool. Didn't, but almost did. Didn't, but almost did? I don't know about that. That sounds like some bullshit that Italians say over the fire. This one time, Jackie Gleason, he had him on the fucking ropes. He had him on the ropes. fucking Moscone didn't he was shitting himself couldn't believe it this guy's gonna be better than me at everything yeah I also have an uncle who told me struck out Dominic DiMaggio's one of them oh Dominic DiMaggio Joe DiMaggio's retarded brother no he wasn't that retarded was it a real Dominic there was there was a Vince Dominic and Joe I didn't know I didn't know I was making that up they all died broke really pretty much it's pretty after the 1989 at San Francisco earthquake. That's where Joe DiMaggio lived. Cops found him walking around the city in a daze with a suitcase full of $600,000 in cash. So it was all from

02:37baseball card signings and shit. Wow. How weird. Was he just getting crazy? He was starting to lose it. He was starting to lose it. He was that strong. I bet it was. Sounds like her and Rita Hayworth had magical fucking twats. Broke a man. Like apparently to his girl, like he used to leave flowers on her grave. And Sinatra and Ava Gardner. Yeah. Some chicks know how to sling it. What does Richard Price say? I don't know why business is always complaining. I got half the money and all the pussy. What the fuck? Could it be a more truer statement made about life? Yeah. And there's some women that just have their currency, like their social currency. is worth just so much more than you can ever afford. I know. She's so happy to just be with them. And I think Marilyn Monroe was just so powerful. She was. Trying to hold on to a tornado or something. Good luck keeping her wife.

03:36Well, that's exactly what they were trying to do. Yeah, because it drives you crazy. Yeah, who's the other guy? Was it Ginsburg? Who did she live with as well? Arthur Miller. Arthur Miller. And Artie Shaw. Yeah. Three, I guess. Yeah, I'm a film historian. Are you really? I'm in a story in a lot of ways, especially in sports. I'll tell you what. I don't know how I know this. I have no idea how I remember this, but you give me the year between 1949 and the year 2000. So, what, 51 years. I'll give you the two teams who were in the World Series and who won. Holy shit. I don't know why I know it. If you want to do a couple, I'll do it, and then we'll get out of this. I wouldn't even know. Does anyone know who won a World Series one year? These two guys, they don't fucking pay attention to sports. What am I, on The View? You don't know any World Series titles? I literally have no idea who won this year.

04:28I don't know who's the World Series champion this year. I don't know who won last year. Really? I don't know. I really don't know. I know. It sounds ridiculous. No one doesn't, I guess, if you don't like baseball. Do you like football, right? I don't even watch football. You just watch that MMA shit. I watch kickboxing. What is that? I watch jiu-jitsu. I watch MMA. I watch those things. It's all the same shit. And I watch boxing. And that's all I pay attention to. Boxing, I love. Mayweather and Pacquiao, what do you think? I think Mayweather is a very clever man. Very clever man. And setting the fight now is a good time. It's a very good time. I think so financially, too. It's a good time financially, but it's also a good time for him as far as success-wise. Manny Pacquiao was extremely dangerous just a few years ago, maybe even more so than he is now. So he lost some steps, though.

05:18There's a thought, and it may not be correct, because his last fight against Brandon Rios, he looked really fucking good. And then Chris Algieri, he looked really fucking good. I mean, he looks good, dude. He's a beast. Manny Pacquiao is a beast. I know. I understand that. I've seen him fight. But the thought is the Marquez knockout, when Manuel Marquez knocked him out, knocked him out dead, cold, one right hand, bam. And the thought is when a guy gets turned off like that, like maybe there's a little something that he lost. Maybe there's a little step. It's not always correct. Sometimes guys bounce back from a knockout, and they're fine. It totally varies on the individual, but not a lot of boxers, but Ollie always says after Frazier hit him with that first left in the first fight He was more apprehensive than he ever was in his life

05:57He said it cost him the fight against Spinks and Foreman because all he saw was that fucking I'm gonna fucking left hook Yeah, boom man, and it affected the rest of his life. It was a launching left hook Oh my God, his throw himself feet were off the ground man Did you ever watch the fight between George Foreman and Joe Frazier? Yes Yes, yes. That's insane. I like Frazier, too, but it's classic Howard Cosell. Foreman was just something different back then, man. He was just something different. He was hitting guys like 20%, 30% harder than anybody ever seen. Fight night back in the 70s was fun, man. I remember being a kid really getting like, wow, this is going to be fun. Yeah, I remember watching those ABC Wide World of Sports. Alexis Arguello would fight. Arguello prior? Remember the two Arguello prior fights? Yeah, incredible.

06:44The one they thought Pryor's fucking manager put schnapps in to get him going. Well, they thought it was Coke. Oh, okay. That's what the thought was. But then he said it was liquor, maybe. That doesn't make any sense. More likely it was Coke. If someone gave me a bunch of peppermint schnapps, I would not want to fight, no. Well, not only that, I don't think you could just drink. Tell me if I'm wrong. I don't think you could just drink Coke. Like if someone puts cocaine in a glass and mixes it with water. There's the liquid Coke that you shoot in your nose. Can you just drink it? Yeah, I'm sure you could. Dude, pick up Stevie Ray Vaughan's book. About drinking Coke? Yeah. For about two years, he woke up every morning and dissolved cocaine into a glass of Jack Daniels and drank it like Rocky drank the eggs. Oh, my God. Really?

07:29Yeah, because the nummies, when you're done doing the line, you always put the nummy on your tongue or on your teeth. It makes your whole mouth numb. So drinking it must make your whole body numb. And especially in whiskey. So it's an upper and a downer, you know. Wow. It's basically a living hell. Well, he was just apparently, I mean, Richard, or Aaron Pryor, rather, later in his career, he had a real problem with drugs and a real problem with cocaine. And so it's very likely that he might have had that problem even while he was like an elite athlete. And if you gave him just a little bit in the corner, like, there's no drug test. But those fights, I'll give you another fight as a boxing fan. I ran Barkley and Duran. Fuck yeah. Holy shit. Roberto Duran showed that even though he was in his 30s at the time, I ran Barkley. He was bigger, stronger. I ran Barkley. He had knocked out Tommy Hearns.

08:17Did he knock out Hearns before that or after that? Before. Before. I ran Barkley. He was terrifying. And Roberto Duran boxed his face off the same way he did to Davey Moore. Exactly. I just wish he would have done it to Leonard. I guess maybe he couldn't find them, whatever. Go grab him and just beat him up. Who knows what happened, man, that second fight. Frank Sinatra got paid. That's what happened. It could be that. A lot of people thought that he was paid to take a dive, that Duran took a dive. A lot of people thought that Duran just didn't train and just partied like a fucking wild animal after he beat Leonard the first time. Duran, he was one of those guys who won $4 million in a fight. And then two months later, after a bunch of booze and cocaine and new shoes, he needs to fight again. He gets these big white gold shoes and he gets heavy and then he needs to box again. He's a classic story, man.

09:04He's a classic story. I love Roberto Duran. He's one of my all-time favorites. Joey Diaz got me his book many, many years ago because we would always sit around and talk about Roberto Duran. Right. Joey's a huge Roberto Duran fan, so he gave me his book. It's amazing. The guy had an incredible life. I'm sure he did. A lot of boxers, if you think about it, probably have. You know, they're brought up nuts, I think. Yeah, it's hard to be at the highest level without being a little nuts. Yeah, you've got to nurture the physicality and then the anger, and then before you know it, you've got a pit bull that attacks your neighbor. That's what you want. I was watching a video of Mike Tyson from 87 training with Kevin Rooney, and they were hitting mitts. You see young Mike Tyson who was like, I don't think he was like 20 or something at the time. I don't know how old he was, but he was just fucking these mitts up.

09:51Just moved so fast for heavyweight and all that bobbing and weaving shit that he used to do. He bobbed and weaved after every combination. Every combination he would throw on the pads. He'd go down. He was short, and they'd miss him, yeah. Dude, but even in the pads, that's how he did it when he was working the pads. He just was constantly in motion. Something else. Yeah, mental. A mental thing happened. That's what I think. Emotionally, you've got to stay tough a long time, man. Even Ali went, but he lasted long enough. But Tyson, a couple years, and then he went crazy. And I don't blame him. I'm not saying I don't blame the guy for going crazy. I mean, look at the men who live in that Kardashian house. They all eventually go nuts. Yeah. That's atmosphere. Like Lamar Odom starts smoking crack. And, you know, of course, Bruce Jenner has a pussy, you know. Not yet. Well, he's getting one. Yeah.

10:46It's really difficult to believe. Well, to be at the level that a Mike Tyson was at his point in life at a really young age, 20-year-old champion of the world. You know, he's out there doing whatever he wants to do, basically. buying Bentleys, crashing them, giving them to cops. I mean, he was just off the chain, crazy. He owned a lion. I mean, he was as crazy as he could get. You can't get any crazier, and you can't keep that up. That's not a sustainable life. Listen, I don't live a sustainable life, so much less that. I've decided that something's got to change. I mean, I'm pushing 50. What's got to change? I don't know. Career on the U.S. pool circuit? Certainly not the career. It's the only thing that makes me money. I'd love to shoot pool. but I'm not that good. Let's make it happen. You just train. That's the show. That's the reality show. Marty Lang joins the pro tour.

11:37Joe, we've known each other a long time. I got to stop. I'll have a party or something. You're going to have a party and stop what? Working. Just done. Yeah. I'm going to buy a huge chair and eat myself until I fit into it. I don't know. I got road coming up. You like doing the road still? I like doing the road because I go with my friends. I bring comics that I like to open for me and we have fun. How many guys you bring? Depends. Sometimes two, sometimes one. I like going on the road with a friend. See, I've tried that. I've tried bringing friends of mine to open for me and I still am miserable. Really? Yeah, I don't know. Mostly because I don't like them in my room. Oh. Or the dressing room. I like a lot of them, but it doesn't get me over the lazy. multiple shows in one night where you got to reboot and then get back up. The multiple shows are tricky if you freeball your material a lot

12:34because you get to that second show, you're like, I'm not exactly sure if I did this, this show, or last show. I'm almost going to tape it. Oh, no, that's happened a bunch of times when I repeat a joke. Holy shit. I was drunk once in Pittsburgh. It's like midnight. There's a 400-pound guy sitting in the corner and I start to tell the same joke I told about 20 minutes before. The 400-pound guy's got, like, khaki shorts on. He's got his hands closed like this. And as I start the joke, he just goes, did it! He just said, did it! With a real, real mad look on his face. And he stopped me, and I said, oh, thank you. I appreciate you coming to rehearsal. They get hostile. All right, man, I'm not trying to fuck with you. I made a mistake. Some people just demand perfection. Yeah, well, this guy didn't look like one of them. You get very angry if there's any mistakes going on.

13:28Live performance by an intoxicated man who you love. Well. You know, guy comes all the way to see you. He's got to fucking treat you like that. How dare he? He lived across the street. He looked like David Beckham. Was he beautiful? Do you think it's gay that I feel Chad Ochocinco is David Beckham dipped in fudge? First of all, I think it's a huge insult to Chad Ochocinco. Really? Far more physically beautiful. You like him? Well, he's just way more of an athlete. Yeah, I mean, if you looked at both of them naked, you would definitely be able to tell if it was in black and white who's who. They're both the same color. Chad Ochoa Senko is a different kind of athlete. I guess so. That guy's a fucking freak athlete. Yeah, but he's fucking up. He's not around. He's not doing his thing. It's hard to keep that going, like we talked about earlier. It's hard to keep it. We're talking about him, so we know who he is.

14:18If we know who he is, a lot of people know who he is, which means he probably, at least for a short period of time. He got a fuckload of money. And before that, probably didn't have any money. See, I think, I don't think you're giving, you know, his problems enough merit. I mean, I agree with everything, but the man did change his name to Ocho Cinco. It's 85 in Spanish. If you're, if you're normal, you don't do that. But we are talking about him. Yeah, sure. I mean, we could talk about Hitler too. What is it? What's the criteria? What do you want to talk about? I think for, no, but I think for those guys is what I'm saying. To those guys, like it's important to get your name out there. movie stars, whatever, you know. I think that's a good move to call yourself Ocho Cinco. I mean, otherwise, I don't know, I don't follow sports, so I really wouldn't know. Well, I don't have a jersey number, so I'm going to

15:01change my last name to my cholesterol level in Spanish, which is, of course, Arti Quatro Dos Ocho. That's going to get me a lot of pussy. That's hilarious. What else have you been up to? You just do this on the road? Basically, in the UFC. I do still UFC commentary. Oh, and what's your UFC schedule? My God, you're like so busy. I'm pretty busy, but it's all stuff I like doing, so it doesn't bother me. This weekend, it's at the Staples Center in LA. And you do every match? No, no, I don't do every one. There's a lot that I don't do. There's a lot that are like the Fox Sports Night ones. Most of those I don't do. Some of them I do do. But what we're doing recently is we have a bunch of guys in here, and we watch the fights and do a podcast, a live podcast while we're watching the fights. That's really fun. I did that with the Super Bowl because I had a $30,000 bet on it,

15:54and it was kind of weird to see what happened. I won $5,000. Jesus Christ, son. I lost on the fucking coin toss, $2,000. Did you really? Immediately. You know how pissed off you are? You had a $2,000 coin toss? I was down $2,000 before the game started. Terrible. But I ended up up $5,000. I had the Patriots and the Patriots and the Overeaux. Dude, you like gambling. That's one thing I can tell. As soon as we moved to gambling tonight, Brian Regan wanted to hustle us. We had to play a $20 game and nine ball. I ended up walking away with a double serve. Yeah, he won. Two fives of mine. And he got out like four or five balls in a row. Not an easy out. You got out. No, I appreciate that. We played one game and already cleaned it up. No, we didn't. It was nice. You won the first. You didn't bet on the first until you won. Well, we were just playing, and then Regan wanted to hustle us.

16:41I thought he was going to pull out the real game. Yeah, Regan looks like maybe he grew up in one of those Irish neighbors. Want to play, matey? How's your better pool game, matey? All of a sudden, he's a fucking pirate. That's hilarious. I was trying to do Charles Dickens. Oh, I get confused. I never know what that guy sounded like. Me too. Now, that was a fun time. Are you enjoying doing podcasting now? No. Why don't you like it? Listen, I'm not an ambitious guy. My point is, like, you know, the Rob Lowe, like the Artie Lang? I'm more like the stop caring Rob Lowe, you know? I'm that guy, like, in the contract. Oh, right, that commercial with the caveman Rob Lowe. Yeah, I'm the other guy. So, you know, the podcast, I do it in my kitchen. I've been late eight times. But what don't you like about it? You're so good on the radio. I like being on the radio. I like talking like this and saying stuff on the radio.

17:34You don't like organizing it and doing anything yourself? No, I just let everybody else do it. But then eventually I need something done properly. It's a mess, man. Well, that just seems like a logistics thing. That seems like that could be handled. Look, you're a really fucking funny guy. For you to not have a podcast would be ridiculous. You know, you've been in a couple, there's a couple problems that you've had over the last few months about tweets and shit like that. We read those tweets off and we were fucking howling. Oh, thank you, man. We didn't think there was anything wrong with it. I get on Twitter. I said, look, this is hilarious. Like, do you think he really means what he's saying? Of course. That's why they're so stupid. It's so stupid. These are jokes. You know, it really is, it really is gross. Neither one of those things you said was mean-spirited. It was funny shit. No.

18:15It was funny, self-deprecating. And in the one where I'm Thomas Jefferson and the black girl Carrie Champion is the slave, where Carrie Champion is my slave and I'm her master, I point out that I do not ejaculate until she escapes. You're saying that you would have her beat you and you'd come all over yourself? What did you say? I'll go one further. I'm saying when I see when I see an African American woman get her freedom and break free from the chains I just blow a load all over the player. Oh, so you have to see the freedom happen in order for you to come You're a freedom justice warrior. Let jism ring How dare you see? I don't think there's anything wrong with you being incredibly excited and sexually aroused at a woman achieving freedom I think that we should all be another one Do you think you're capable of coming equally for a man achieving freedom? Or maybe a gay man? No, no, no.

19:11Or a transgender man? I don't think I could come for a man. You've got to come across the board and everybody will be happy. Just come when people get free. I don't think I could come for a man. I really don't. I don't think it's possible. I've got nothing against the... Man getting free. Oh, a man getting free. Yeah, a man getting free. Like the same way. A slave male. I'd be more happy about it. I'd just be clapping. But it's just... Look, yeah, it's a controversial. Of course, that's what comedy is about. You know, and I look, I know you're trying to be funny. It's funny. It's what it is. It's not like you're some fucking politician that says some nutty shit that nobody expected out of nowhere off camera. And you catch him like this is his real beliefs. Yeah. Whoa, we just found out that Artie loves slaves. No, you're a fucking comic. Yeah, exactly. I'd really hire, I'd get a slave in my house. It made me angry.

20:00And I made me angry. Very angry. It was terrible. It's just so silly. It cost me something. It cost me an appearance on a talk show, which I didn't care about. But still, they took something from me. And that's when they're happy. We got it from you. Boom. Now go fuck off. We win. But they don't. They don't. I hope not. We'll see what happens. You've got a lot of people on your side with that. You've got a lot of people who enjoy that kind of comedy. I always talk about Brian Holtzman. He says ridiculous, cruel shit. But I think it's hilarious because I know him. He's a sweetheart of a guy. But he used to do this joke about Susan Smith. Remember the chick who drowned her kids? He goes, I heard those kids were bad. I heard they sat that close to the TV. They never put away their blocks. Those kids will not be missed. You've got to see him doing it to understand. You can't take it out of context.

20:45You've got to see his whole act. It's ridiculous. He says a bunch of really, and then he laughs at himself. He's being funny, and it's an art form. Just like a violent movie is an art form. You're not really killing people. Well, just to prove your point, I went to Match.com after I broke up. They give you a form thing you have to fill out. And you have to be honest in the questions. I can never be honest in those questions. I got a girl who looks like she's an ISIS if I did that. So I got to the part where I said, what's the worst thing you've ever done? And I actually put that down to see what kind of reaction I got. And the worst, one time I had sex with a retarded girl. And to get rid of her, I put her on a bus. How did that work? Well, I don't know. I haven't seen her since. No, I mean, it's for Match.com. Did you put that on? I didn't get the date.

21:37So, you know, I'm not even going to get into that either. That's shocking. I bet you people didn't think it was really you. I bet they didn't want to get catfished. Who would they think it is? Someone pretending to be you, just writing retarded shit. They probably didn't think it was you. That's the only reason why it didn't work. Now that people know it's you, check that page later. You know, yeah, I don't have time. So you like doing this? You just don't like the hassle that comes with, like, organizing it. Yeah, yeah. I'm not an organizer. I'm not a preparer. I'm not a preparer. So you just want to show up and be Artie Lang? Yeah. They're letting me do that pretty much. But, you know, who cares about that? People got to start listening. Otherwise, they just do something else. Thank God I got my stand up. But you don't think people listen to your podcast? Like, what do you mean?

22:23Well, I mean, there's not a ton of people listening to it. Well, you're doing this subscription-based thing, right? Yeah. Yeah. But I can't get sponsors. I called people. What do you mean you can't get sponsors? Oh, because I said a couple of things. Listen. Just say you're sorry. Say you're sorry, Uncle Artie. I refuse! Oh, Jesus. I think you can get sponsors. I don't think there's a fucking question in the world that you could get sponsors. The only offer I had was sphincterine, the ass mint. It's an ass mint? You put it in your ass. To clean everything up? Before someone eats it out. Yeah. That might kill people. You have to be careful about that. That stuff, that's like give you toxic shock of the asshole or something. Would you like him? No. I don't know. I appreciate it, buddy. You're a good man. I think it's just hard. You're a good friend. I've just given up. Don't give up. I mean, I'm not giving up.

23:14I just don't care. Look at me. This is what I look like. I don't care. Yeah, but you do care enough. You care enough to be funny. You care enough to make those funny tweets. No, I got to keep. Don't make me, you son of a bitch. No, I got to make money for my mother. Is that what you're doing? Yeah. My mother, she'll be on welfare if it wasn't for me. This is crazy. I got to get out of this. Wow. Not this. I'll stay here. You mean comedy? Something, man. You mean doing comedy or podcasting? I could do podcasting. You know, I don't know. You could do podcasting. I do it. You could do it, but you keep going. Yeah. If someone sets it up for you and makes it nice. I have it set up, but it's not in a studio. I think that what a lot of people are doing wrong is they're trying to get paid from podcasting right off the bat I think it's it's it's kind of hard to do that. I know Anthony's been pretty successful Anthony Cumia

24:04You know, he's got a very very devoted following already on his like he had that video podcast set up right before we ever did it That's one of the reasons why I wanted to do this Anthony has a fucking full studio in his base with a green screen Wow, he's had that since like 2006 or something fucking crazy like that. He's always experimented online And he's just kind of a tech gene right right right see I'm not so so he built up this following and then he started Hire you know having people do subscriptions when he left opie and anthony, but I think that if you start off Look I've listened to some of your podcasts. They're hilarious. You're a funny fucking dude, man always. Thank you You're always funny. I enjoyed you on that Nick DiPaolo show where you couldn't swear That was fun. It was fun working with Nick You don't see what happens. I'm tired I mean, I've been through a lot of shit.

24:52We need to pump you up. We need to get you in shit, my friend. Orange juice, fresh squeezed, celery, kale. Are you ticklish? I tried a Nutribullet. I put all that kale and onion rings and stuff. Every time I took a dump, it sounded like James Caan getting shot in the Godfather. And that includes the kick at the end. Oh, that's hilarious. I'll figure it out, man. I'll let you know. You'll be fine. You just surround yourself with positive people. What are we going to do, go bike riding a mark? No, you don't have to do that. You don't have to go bike riding. Well, what do you want to do? It's just you need to take it slow. I like talking to you and hanging, but I don't want to do like an elliptical machine with you. Well, you know what you need to do? You just need to get motivated. You need, are you, if you're not in a relationship, that's what you need is a super hot personal trainer to motivate you.

25:39You got some of those numbers? Oh, they're all over Los Angeles. Well, then give me a couple. I don't know any. I'll find some for you online. Well, find some. We're going to use the power of the internet to find Artie Lang, a beautiful fitness trainer, who's going to motivate him to get in shape. You're just going to see her just glistening in the sun telling you, come on, Artie, up the hill. Can I pick what color? Well, yeah. You want a black check or a white check? No, I'd like a nice... Taiwan. I'd like a nice mocha mulatto type. I don't think you're allowed to say mulatto anymore. I think they took that from us. Well, I'm going to win the mulatto right now. Oh, oh. See, this is why you should do a podcast. How could you not do a podcast? It's a blast. How dare you? Now, you know what? You know what? I'm going to text you about this. I need some advice. In a couple of minutes of your time, I need some advice.

26:29I think we could get you a 10-time increase in how many people are listening to it right now. Well, no, it's not even about that. It's only about my health. Oh, your health, too. Yeah, there are a lot of people listening. Thank God I need more, but my health is what I'm talking about. Well, it's, you know, it's real simple. I mean, it's not simple psychologically, and it's not simple emotionally. That's the hard part, but it's real simple. Eat really healthy foods. Your body will get leaner. You'll lose weight. It's really that simple. You just get it. That should be all you need. So how the fuck am I going to do that? It's hard to do. It's hard to do. It's hard to avoid. I can't do it. I mean, you came in with a cheeseburger. I do. Did I? Yeah. Yeah. You came in with a cheeseburger. You were joking about it being gluten-free. Did I really? Yeah. There's something wrong with that. I eat them all the time, man.

27:14I eat cheeseburgers all the time. I eat two of them the other day. I was at a fucking food truck in Portland, and it was so good. I had a Thai bacon cheeseburger. God damn, it was good. That sounds unbelievable. Oh, it was insane. It had grilled jalapenos in it and that peanut Thai sauce, like satay sauce, whatever it is. That sounds fucking unreal. Holy shit. It was so good, I had to go back and have another one. It's a place called The Brunch Box in Portland, one of those little food trucks. And they gave it to us for free. It wouldn't even take our money. Good for you, my man. It's nothing like good street food. God damn, it was good. Yeah. There's nothing wrong with a little bit of that every now and then. But what you need to do is just figure out a way to discipline yourself. But I don't see that happening. Unless you change the way. Of course, it's a long shot, but I'd like your support.

27:58It's a long shot, and I'll just accept you as putting one down. Like, yeah, I think Artie's going to do it. You could definitely do it. Well, before you were being sarcastic. No, you could do it. But you keep saying, like, what am I going to do? How's that going to happen? And like, you got to like decide that you're going to make some sort of a gigantic change, but that's fucking very difficult to do. You know, they say one day at a time. That's really bullshit because it's every 10 seconds at a time. Well, you're right. The timing too, I have had to stop in the last six months is literally, it's not a short list. It's like, uh, it's booze, it's heroin, it's Coke, it's pills, it's sugar, it's gluten, it's shakes. Don't have a cherry. If you have an orange, peel it this way. And if you drink water, only drink it cold. All right. How the fuck am I going to live? Everything I know to do I can't do anymore

28:46How much of the life pleasure That you get out of life Revolves around food? It's just below the heroin pleasure Wow Now food is a sensuous thing It's a sensuous thing And it's very difficult Very difficult Especially really good food Yeah, I love a nice meal. Oh, who doesn't? Who doesn't? But what you can do, if you really want to restructure the way the whole thing works, is just earn those meals. And it means even more when you get them. I do. I go to work, I make money, and I pay for it. Of course you do. But I mean, earn them psychologically by trying to take care of your body, those other meals. Reward myself. Yeah, give yourself five, six days of eating good. One day you're allowed to go off like a rocket. One day where it's just fucking linguine with white sauce and fucking lasagna and steaks and milkshakes and whatever the fuck you want. One day.

29:47But all the other days, really healthy, really like real foods. There's six days healthy, one nut. Yeah, six days, one healthy, one nut. If you just did that, you'd have a radical change. And cut out soda. If you're going to have to drink soda, if you really have to, it sounds gross because diet soda has aspartame, which probably gives you brain cancer. But it would definitely be better story gets better and better definitely be better and allegedly gives you rank I appreciate that. I don't try believe me. Yeah, you think I'm bullshit. I'm gonna try to live like that I have to I have to otherwise I'm gonna be around yeah Listen, you're too talented to let slip away We needed just someone to come along some professional to come along and deal with that aspect of your life deal with you You know who did it Kevin James. I know Kevin James hired a professional Chef and some sort of a whole foods

30:34She's like this woman, like she specialized in like green vegetable shakes and this crazy diet. I forget what the diet was, but she was like Kevin hired her and this woman would cook for him every day. She would cook all these like really lean vegetable based diets. This fucking dude lost 70 pounds. He's where I got the kale shakes idea from. Now when he hired her, he was what, year six of King of Queens? I think he had retired. I think King of Queens was done. So is someone loaning me this money to hire the queen of vegetables? He's just rolling in cash like this year. He's just got his arms open. He just rolls around his bed. That's right, man. Yeah, he has like a shoot he pulls on the top of his bed, and money comes out of the ceiling. And he bathes in it. Like that scene, Indecent Proposal with Demi Moore and the cash on the bed. That's me. My friend Chef Elyse Lane from Kill Tony,

31:27Russell Peters just hired her because he gained a bunch of weight. And all she does is cook him healthy meals so he has it in his house. So when he gets hungry, he's like, I'm going to go to McDonald's. He goes, oh, wait, here's a healthy meal that's already made. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, if you could get someone to do that in Hoboken, I bet you would be able to get someone to do that just based on your podcast and based on the results they think they can get you, how much good that would do them in advertising. Yeah. I mean, could you imagine? Well, we can't delay it. They paid for the food and, you know, their services, like they donate their services so that you can promote them. Well, Hoboken's closed this year because it's Sinatra's 100th birthday. You can't do anything in town. Really? Yes, I got to go somewhere else. Wow. The whole place closed down. They just play Sinatra songs. Really? From how long?

32:13Up until December, 2050. So the whole year they play Sinatra songs? Pretty much every other night, but then the week he dies, it's going to be insane. Oh, my God. Zapplers, you know, pepperoni, scunchiel, super sad, gabagool, fresh mozzarella, wet mozzarella, roasted peppers. Fuck the singing. You go right into the food. Look at you. Just dial it in. Well, I'll go to the gym first. I love Frank Sinatra. Yeah. I had a dog named Frank Sinatra. Did you really? Yeah. I mean. You got to like Francis. You got to like the chairman of the board. Yeah, I loved his songs, especially when I was younger. But I didn't know that they had that much of a following for him. You didn't know Sinatra had a following? No, no, no. I mean, like, where they would have, like, a whole year of nothing. Oh, no. Especially in Hobo. I mean, it's crazy. That's amazing. I mean, it makes sense. That's where he came from.

33:05You know, you'll appreciate this, Joe. Somebody on 60 Minutes or some of the talk show was talking to him in the mid-70s, right? And the interviewer said to Sinatra, Frank, how do you feel when you hear that criminals like Charles Manson say, if they ever break out of prison, they're going to kill people like you, Shirley MacLaine, Dean Martin. What do you say to that? And without missing a beat, Sinatra looked at the guy and said, let him out. He just said, let him out. And the guy got scared. He went, all right. Let him out. Basically, let him out. I'll kill him. Wow. He wasn't bullshitting either. I don't think so. I mean, I wouldn't find that out. You know how many people Sinatra must have known? I mean, he was the god of the Italian world. I live around a block from where he grew up. Really? It's nuts. Who's got his house? Who owns his house? Well, it's an empty lot. Of course. Out of respect.

34:00It's a social club right next to it that they play poker at. Wow. I lost $38,000 every one night. Are you not allowed to talk about this on the air? Like where they play? That was years ago. Oh, they're not there anymore? No. And there's no cop that's going to tell them to stop. That's just that spot. Not that spot, yeah. Wow. You like Hoboken? Love it. You got a beautiful view, right? I got a view. I look at the whole city. The view of the city from outside the city is actually better than the view inside the city. I agree. I agree. It's good to look at the city but not be in it. I have a friend who lives in Brooklyn, and he's got a high floor. He's on the 10th or 11th floor. And it's above the river, just looking out across, and you see the bridge to the right. It looks framed. It doesn't even look real. Really? You look out his window, you're like, dude, your view isn't even real. That's the kind of view I have.

34:48I got lucky. I have the single best view of Manhattan from the Hudson River side. It's like a painting. To me, there's like three great views in the world. There's a lot. But there's three archetypes. One of them is the nature view. Like mountains to me are number one with that. Like mountains and a lake. You see those two of them together. That to me is like the most spectacular thing to look at. But the other two are two different types of city views. There's the New York one from across the river. where you're looking at it and you realize, like, wow, this is an amazing place. Like, look at the size of this hub of life and humanity. But the weirdest one is above Doheny. A lot of people don't even know about this one. You go into Hollywood, you go into the hills above Doheny, and you're looking down over the city. And when you're looking down over the city, it looks like Blade Runner.

35:32I know what you're talking about. It doesn't look real. I do, though, the Doheny one. Yeah, yeah, it's nuts. My friend Larry used to have a house up there, and it didn't look real. Like, you would look out of his yard, you'd go, baller. You're such a baller. Yeah, and it's scary. Oh my god. Scary and like alien. Like you're looking down at a spaceship. Like it doesn't look like any other view I've ever seen. I've taken photos of it when you're flying in. You kind of sort of get it. But you don't get it like you get it when you're looking out of someone's back porch. Because he had like one of those infinity pools. And like you would sit like by the pool and you look out off the balcony like oh my god. Look at this fucking view. This is insane. He's like living in a science fiction movie. Yeah, but that helps you get up in the morning. It's like, wow, just go into nature. You can't be in a bad mood. Yeah.

36:15It's like art, right? It's like you're looking at natural art. That's how I always... Yeah, like me. I look outside. I have Route 3 and Sea Caucus, which is... There's usually snow trouble. Snow trouble. You look at that atmosphere, forget it. You can't be in a bad mood. Yeah. Well, you can, but you're silly. Yeah. I avoid it, and that's saying a lot. You avoid nature? No bad moods. Oh. Do you see yourself becoming a man in the woods someday? No. Just packing up? I would just lay down. Just lay down. I would lay down. I would go, listen, I'm just going to wait to erode. I see a theme here. There's nothing I offer. You need to be motivated because you're obviously very, very funny, very hilarious. I'm motivated. I get up. I go through comedy. I travel. I get up. I get a check. I come back. I mean, what the fuck? I'm not a bump on a log here. No, you're in action. Thank you.

37:03You look like you're maybe not enjoying some of the action. But you should be. It's called withdrawals. Is it? Maybe a little. How long does that last for? About 22 days. Now, when you go to a doctor, do you get your blood work done? They check out where your vitamin levels are and all that kind of stuff? Sure, sure, sure. Everything. Because I'm diabetic, too. So what do you have to do for that? You got to take a pen, boom, write in. How often do you do that? It takes two seconds, once a day. Is that a recent thing? 25 units. Two years. Last two years? Last two years, I've had to take the insulin. Before that, I just had to take the pills. And is that related to, like, diet? Is there a way to turn it around? Very much so. It's very much related. It's almost hereditary and diet are the two things, yeah. Damn, dude. Well, I could see how that would weigh you down. I could see how that would weigh you down.

37:54That would fuck with you and make you feel like, you know. The pen thing isn't bad. But, I mean, just the fact that you've got diabetes. I mean, that's a mind fuck in and of itself. I'd forgotten about it for a couple of days. But, yeah, you're right. I'll be alright man I hope you'll be alright I'll be good I'm not going nowhere I don't want you to I know you don't I want you to like podcasting too because I got excited when you were doing it I do like podcasting I like it a lot I like it about as much as I like anything else so everything's kind of where's that coming from I didn't say that you said you like it as much as anything else but you said before maybe there's some things that go hey you're just too good at it man You're too funny. You cannot do it. Do you think it's like a defense mechanism? I don't know, probably. I'm pretty good at that. I'm pretty good at spot nose.

38:43Listen, if I've noticed nothing else in life, it's that. Yeah. That Joe Rogan is very perceptive when it comes to getting a laser and getting right to the heart of a comedian. And getting to your ability to play pool. As soon as you start stroking the ball, I say, look at this motherfucker. Oh, you do. You're a great shooter, too. Yeah, but I have a table here. I'll tell you one thing that is a little impressive about that. I have not shot pool in eight months easy I haven't picked up stick well, it makes sense because like it took you a couple shots to get loose Here comes the negative it's not negative at all. Well, you said it was great shooting Listen I suck at first two when Regan and I first played. No, you just kept playing You walked in after I'd already won. Okay. Well, that's nice you to admit. No, I was knocking ball in the rail

39:30I'm sure online it takes a while to loosen the arm up, you know, I'm sure especially if you haven't played eight months I haven't played in two days. Yeah, so there you go in one week I won 22 G's hustling nine ball Jesus greatest week of my life. I was nice It's a place a place But I was 19 oh I got me my buddy Mike set this other kid up Beat him every time. Oh, so he's just you had a mark. Here's what would happen Me and Deej would pretend we didn't know each other. We'd get in a game with a third guy. Okay? We don't know each other. We're not friends. Let's play it three-way, whatever. It's like a movie. $20 on a five, $50 on a nine. Okay? I made sure I went before Deej. No, Deej made sure he went before me. So every time Deej would go, he'd miss on purpose but set me up for a perfect shot. First on a five, then on a nine. That's hilarious. You guys just kept robbing this one dude.

40:23Yeah, we won about 11 games in a row. Wow. Poor bastard. I'm not proud of it. Now, the guy seemed like a bit of an asshole, but we thought, my God, we got the greatest fucking system of all time. And then there was a couple times he would set me up and I'd miss, and he'd look at me like, what the fuck are you doing? Then one guy, Tommy, I'll never forget this. We call him Red Hair Tommy because he had, you know, red hair. And he had like a big, big curly red hair and red hair. Tommy found out what we were doing. He's supposed to make eye contact. You motherfuckers know each other. He got his brother. His brother came back with a snowblower. He tried to run us over with a fucking snowblower and pool cues. He threw me over the table. But my one buddy's friend was a cop, and he just flashed the guy's best. The guy got really scared. Those days were fun.

41:13When I first started making money, I got a development deal with Disney, and part of the money I used to back my friend Johnny B. My friend Johnny B was like a professional-level pool player, like a hair off of the pro speed. No kidding. Yeah, but he could win tournaments. He could beat a lot of guys. The average person that would play him, he would beat the average guy. It's very rare that he ever beat a real top pro, but he'd beat some lower-level pros. He was a really good pool player, but he was a slick motherfucker. And I would take him on the road. We would go all around. We would go to Jersey. We would go to West End Billiards. We were talking about that place. I know West End, yeah. I'd put him in the tournament. We'd see if we could get a game. And then we'd play at Executive Billiards in Chelsea, which was downtown, which was I know exactly what you're talking about. You know Chelsea Billiard?

41:58Yeah, sure. I do, yeah. Yeah, so that was my addiction phase. Like, I was badly, badly addicted. I was playing eight hours a day for like a bunch of years. I went through a good long phase with Poole, too. Absolutely. It's so fun. It's so fun. It's a blast. It's a real sort of hand-eye coordination, yet slow. Like, the best thing about the Hustlers, they can play for 18 hours and Gleason misses a shot, and he just looks over at the shade and says, Would you cut out that light? it's kind of depressing but you're like a dark easy spang and then you leave you know yeah there are guys who do play those kind of long 24 38 hour gambling sessions i don't know that i have that in me no i i like a few hours of pool those are brutal that's a young man's game and it's fucking super unhealthy like to stay up that late trying to concentrate and drink coffee that depends we

42:47see the great thing about the hustler is the whole premise was gleason could shoot no matter how much booze yet. He handled his booze. That was his skill. Whereas Paul Newman... That's George C. Scott. That's how I handle his booze. Picture those three guys in a movie. How could that be bad? Could that be bad? It can't be bad. And Piper Laurie, too. Yeah, she was cute back then. Oh, yeah. I love that movie. You owe me money, Terry! That's a great fucking movie. Those places just were so interesting. That was what I got addicted to. It's where all the people that didn't follow the rules went. Well, that was Ames Billiards, you know. That was a legendary place on 14th Street. That shot closed in the mid-'70s. But Ames was where, you know, Namath played there. People like that, Gleason. I'd love to have seen that if it stuck around, but they knocked it down. But Ames was where they shot it.

43:38Do you know at the turn of the century in the 1900s, there was something like 1,000 pool halls in New York City? Wow. Wow. That was a thing to do, man. And before video and all that other shit, you shot a game of pool. That's what they did. I mean, people, it's lost favor. People don't understand when video games came along and other games of leisure. It's not the same thing because it's really not on a lot of levels human contact. It's not even indirectly. At least pool is indirectly. Yeah. It's not even close to human contact. As a matter of fact, it's late years away from it. You know what the pool players blame it on a lot? They blame it on casinos, like card casinos opening up. Right, right, right. Yeah, well. Because then people who loved to gamble on things, they didn't have to execute. They're like, if you're playing cards, you have to pick the right cards, you have to make the right choices,

44:24but you don't have to physically execute, like stroking the ball and missing a shot. Right. All that pressure and nerves fucks with some people, so they don't like it. And they're like, that's what killed the pool game. The pressure and nerves? Pressure and nerves that people didn't want to face up to. There are a lot of them, though. There are a lot of them. Yeah, so like attendance in pool halls dropped down, and attendance in these card places, these guys, they didn't have to gamble on pool anymore. and now they can go play legal cards. And then, of course, that cuts into the pool business. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's something about watching a guy shooting at a pool, like just dancing around a table, keeping the stick on there, looking around, looking at the angle, bam, bam, bam. One of my good friends is this guy, Max Eberle. Max Eberle is like one of the best players in the world.

45:06And I play with him all the time. It's always frustrating. But just watching him, I can just pick up like little slight things that he does, just watching him move. Like, he always hits the ball at the right speed. So he's always dead on the next ball with the perfect angle. It's artwork. And what angles you put on it. Yeah, it's artwork. You watch a guy who's just so good at that game, then you appreciate it. But I think it's one of those art forms that's only appreciated by people who practice it. Right. Well, it's like rap. I didn't think rap music was a talent until I heard someone who couldn't rap. I said, okay, the snoot must be good at it. But it's not on the level of pool. I mean, pool is a true sort of, you know, a less sophisticated version of chess. You know, it's American chess in a lot of ways. And it's perfect for a bar. It's perfect for young guys to get together and bond on.

45:54It's a set-up perfectly game, and you get to use your hand-eye coordination. It's my favorite in the world. I love it. I love it, too. I wish it would. We need to make a comeback, Artie. Come back and shoot. And the next time we'll shoot some pool on TV or something. I'm saying we need to. Yeah, we need to make it have a comeback. Why don't we have a tournament? Let's do it. Joe, don't even fuck with me. I'm not fucking you. I love it. I know you will. I would love it. It would be fun. Look who I'm talking to. Yeah, all right. Well, I'm in. You absolutely let me know when I will play in the pool. Joe, you want to call it Rogan? No. Let's come. We'll figure out how to do it. We'll figure out how to do it, and we can get some other comics to play. Tom Marrera. Fitzsimmons plays. Tom Marrera plays. I know the Palo shoot. The Palo shoot's a pretty good game of pool. Yeah, sure. Yeah. I didn't know.

46:37He held it back when he was here. He didn't talk about it. Janine Garofalo was great. I heard. Really? But I heard she, is it true how she gets rid of the ball? What the? She shoots it like one of those Thai ladies. Those things that Doug Stanhope talks about. Is that? A pong ball trick. Can you imagine if that was the handicap? You know, people are always making crazy bets. Like, you know, you have to shoot every shot with the plastic bridge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What if it was like, you can play, but you have to shoot it with your pose? Stuff that ball out there and launch it. That's called America. There's a woman out there somewhere in the world that can knock pool balls in with her pussy. For sure. Right? Her name is Mrs. Lang. I'd like that. There must be. Right? Don't you think? I mean, someone's figured that out. This has to be a genre of porn. I guess.

47:26There's probably a thousand videos dedicated to, like, billiards coming out of a girl's vagina. I hope so. We can only hope that happens. But by the time you think of something like that, for sure that's already been done. I mean, they think of the most depraved shit in porn these days. I would imagine they'd be playing pool with pool balls coming out of girls' kitchen. I don't know. That's kind of rough. Maybe they're smaller balls, like maybe snooker. Snooker, as my English friends would say. That's an interesting one. That might not be done yet. Yeah. Have you ever watched a game of snooker? Do you know what the fuck they're doing? Yeah, sure. I've been in them. You played snooker? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got to say it. Note how I'm saying it correctly. Very difficult. Very, very difficult. Well, those guys become pool players, and they always do really well, like almost right away.

48:08But no pool players go over to snooker and start winning big-time tournaments. They've had some snooker players from Europe come over and clean up. We had the World Ten Ball Championships, this guy Tony Drago. Yeah. Killer snooker player. Yeah. I'd like to watch a whole game, but it gets a little boring without the pockets. I really am excited about Pacquiao Mayweather, though. It's the first big boxing match. I just like boxing so much. It's a fascinating fight. Yeah, I can't wait. I would wonder, you know, it's really interesting to see what strategy Pacquiao employs, like whether he just goes at Mayweather the way he goes at everybody else. Just fast, a lot of movement, a lot of rapid combinations, a lot of angles. Right, right. You know him and Freddie Roach have been preparing for this guy forever. They're both going to be prepared. I like Mayweather.

48:57He's a little bigger, and I think he wants it more, and I think he's quicker. I think Mayweather's quicker than Pacquiao. Well, he's very clever. It's very, very hard to get to. Yeah, he knows how to play head games, especially in this country. What are you showing me? I found this woman shoots a pool ball out of her vagina and hits the eight ball into the corner pocket. So we can't show the people home. Oh, that's a chip from my movie. Don't play it. It's real quick. It's real quick. You stream. We'll get upset at us. I knew it was going to happen. Yeah, here we go. And it's coming out. Oh, good Lord. Knocks the eight ball. Yeah. Well, see? There you go. That's the pitching machine from my movie. I love the fact that that's real. Yeah. You know, we were right. Absolutely. out. You all right? I'm stretching. You want this chair instead, by the way? This chair is way more comfortable. You don't like that chair?

49:37Is that what it is? It's ergonomic. I'm stretching. Oh, that feels good. How do people sign up for your podcast? ArtieQuitter.com One word. A-R-T-I-E Quitter. And how many times? This is you guys right here. How many times do you guys do it a week? Four. Oh, really? Monday through Thursday. And there's a special code If you punch in the code, you get a month of the podcast for free. Unless, of course, you know an 8-year-old who will get on YouTube and you can get it for nothing all the time. Nothing all the time? What is this? Here's the code to get the free month. It's Atlantic 14. Atlantic 14? Is that it? Atlantic 14? Atlantic 14. Okay, for a free month of Artie's podcast, go to Atlantic 14. And how much does it cost a month? $6.99. $6.95. Well, I guarantee you're going to get people to subscribe, but I guarantee you would also get a shitload of people to listen to you online,

50:35just if it was free, and then you just get an ad for it. You just need to be connected with the right people. All right. Why $6.95 and not $7? Why not? It sounds better. I don't know. It's like movies. I didn't come up with any of this shit. Yeah. I know. That is a weird thing, these uneven numbers for trickery to make you think it's not $7. Because it doesn't sound like $7. You fool people. Oh, well, it's not $7. It's crazy. Who is in charge of picking your number? Who picked that number? I don't know. Some guy. I hired a couple of guys. And he's like, I'm going to fool them all. They never said to me before. He said to him, you want to get $6.95? I'm like, yeah, that's fine. Whatever. Oh, it's one of those situations. Yeah. I'd like to see some test studies where they actually got like 200 people and say, hey, it's either $7 or $6.95 and see how many people actually, that was like the deciding factor.

51:20Like, you know what? That sounds too high. It is. All right. I'm telling you. People have said that. Yeah, I'm sure like psychologically. I mean, it's not a coincidence that they do it all the time. You can either feed her a hamster or sign up for me. Well, a lot of being broke, especially when you're worried about how much this costs or that costs and, like, really mining your pennies, a lot of it is psychological. You're like, man, I want to get that fucking thing, but shit. Can I afford it? Fuck it, I'm just going to go for it. It's only $6.95, you know? That's why you should just do, like, $4.95 plus two, maybe. Because at first you'd be like, four? That sounds way better. Plus two? Confuse the fuck out of you. Yeah, two small numbers equal the same number. $4.95 plus $2. Only at ArtieLang.com. Many people do math. I'm trying to find the thing. What are you looking for? Oh, did you get unplugged?

52:07He's getting crazy here, ladies and gentlemen. Artie Lang is just moving about like a wild man, knocking cords out, thinking about going on the road with his nine-ball game. There we go. Beautiful. We got it. We're back? All right. We're back. Yeah. I'm thinking you, me, Fitzsimmons, and Dom Herrera. We do a goddamn pool tournament. We do it live on the internet. We get a sponsor. We have some fun. We talk some shit. It's safe to say I would, without question, say yes to that. That would be a lot of fun. There's no doubt about it. That's totally a good thing to do. Now that I know you play really good, and Adam Ferrara, like I said, he plays really good too. Fitzsimmons plays really good. And Dom can play. Bring him on. Bring him on, says Adi. Come on, I'm ready. All right, we're going to do that. We'll do a comedy slash pool podcast with the four of us. We'll do it right out here.

53:00You can even do shows at pool halls. I've been to pool halls where there's stages. It's too loud. What do you mean, like comedy shows? Yeah, like do a comedy show and then play pool. No, because then you're doing a comedy show to a pool hall. Don't you want to do a comedy show at a comedy club? That's where you want to do comedy. You don't want to do comedy at a pool hall with a bunch of people watching various games at the bar and talking shit, mad that they missed the eight. Fucking cunt In the middle of your set Have to deal with that I like that Yeah I think like this place Where it's nice and quiet and private That's where you want to do it You want to do it out of pool Well I'm in You let me know Yeah I can play better than you think So You played good I could tell I could tell when Ping pong Oh ping pong I don't know how to play that It's the same thing as pool It's just hand-eye coordination

53:46Yeah but you have to practice it Oh you'll be fine Yeah you practice everything I can see how much you love gambling when we started playing for money. I can tell the little fire. No, that's when I bring it on. That's life's instant excitement. But double your net worth on a Virginia Tech game on a Tuesday, and you watch the fireworks fly. Have you done that? Yeah. What's the biggest bet you've ever placed? I won $140,000 on the Super Bowl 2007. Wow. But after everything the hooker the commission the yeah, I got back on the plane. I did the math. I was down five grand What kind of hooker was that That's hilarious Motherfucker you pop it out again. That must have been one fucking what how many days did that take? Three Jesus Christ So you were you were burning through going nuts forget it is whatever just burning through whatever bands came about Wow

54:52No, I love that you should write a book about just that weekend. I wrote two of them They're both best sellers That one particular weekend. Oh, that'll call you a whole book. I should do a third one That's hilarious. Yeah, that is fucking hilarious. God damn dude. So that's the most you've ever won THE MOST YOU'VE EVER LOST. THAT'S THE MOST YOU'VE EVER LOST, TOO? AROUND THE SAME AREA? RIGHT, EXACTLY, BECAUSE THE NIGHT I ENDED UP DOWN. IF YOU'RE BETTING THAT HIGH, IF YOU GO BAD, IF YOU HAVE A WEIRD WEEK, SHIT CAN GET REAL UGLY. THE WORST PART IS TO WIN A COUPLE OF TIMES, MAN. IT HOOKS YOU. YOU GET FIRED UP AGAIN. IT HOOKS YOU AND THEN BOOM BEFORE YOU KNOW IT. SO WHAT IS IT? IT'S JUST PLAYING THAT CHEMICAL RUSH GAME OF LIKE Knowing you could lose $100,000. Without question. It's a physical rush, without question. So does it get, does it pull you?

55:46Do you feel like if you haven't bet in a while, do you feel like you need to place a bet? No, not for me. I'm not like that. But when I go somewhere and something reminds me of it, I can put one down. And then that could start like a binge going. I never sit at home craving I've got to bet on something. Let's say she's a line in the paper that I think's like. To me, what I'm getting out of Artie Lang, because I love you, is that you're a talented guy that loves pleasure. That's what it is. Pleasure and excitement. I like something. I'm feeling something. Yeah. It doesn't have to be pleasure. And this gambling thing, that's like cutting. That goes deep down to the nerves. It's like 100 grand. It's the best thing in the world. Me and Norm MacDonald used to do this thing called lightning bet, which is literally heroin for gamblers. You know what the under-over is? No. You ever hear that? What is like?

56:37Yeah, I know what the under-over is. Anybody here know what the under-over is? Yeah. Like I say, you're about to a basketball game. Okay. And the under-over for the basketball game is 180 points, which that means is the total amount of points that each team scores has to come total over 180. Then you win. If the total number that they score is below 180, you lose. Hence, over-under. So a lightning bet is you assign a number, an amount of money to each point that the bet goes over or under, which means if you lightning bet $1,000 on an over at $180, once you hit the over, I get the chills saying this, once you hit the over, every single basket that gets hit in the game, you win $1,000. Every, from both teams? Both teams. A basket from the field is two grand. A three-pointer is three grand. Every single basket. It's a thousand grand.

57:44So, like, the shakes you start to get while you're watching are literally, like, they're visible. It's almost like, you know, you're having a conniption. And you have drinks, maybe Cokes, they'll calm you down. And every time a shot goes up, it's like, $1,000! $2,000! And to me, it's the purest form of degenerate gambling I've ever seen. I've ever seen. I wasn't even aware that existed. Norm and I was on the road once. For six months, I was opening for him. We was doing the basketball playoffs. We had about 40 Gs on every game. God! Wasn't Norm the one we just talked about that had that famous story where he threw the money in the ocean because he knew he was going to lose it? Was that Norm? Yeah, he decided to throw it out because he thought it would just make him lose more. But that might have very well been urban legend. Do you know that's true? A lot of this could be urban legend. No, not from you.

58:34I'm saying from, I didn't hear it from Norm. I agree that that could be. No, and I agree that could be urban legend, absolutely. Well, everyone knows he's just a wild maniac. He's one of the funniest, smartest human beings I've ever met, but he's got a true edge and a true danger, and that's what happens. I love him, though. He's a rock star, man. He's a bad motherfucker. He's a rock star. He's hilarious. He's hilarious, and he's also like, that's really him. He's not putting on an act. You know, when he hosted the ESPYs in 2001, O.J. Simpson was just forced to give his Heisman trophy back to Fred Goldman because O.J. lost the civil suit. Right. So he had to give money reparations back to Fred Goldman and Nicole. So he didn't have any money, so he should take my Heisman trophy, whatever that's worth. So Fred Goldman takes it. And now he owns it. So the next week, Norm hosts the ESPYs.

59:26Charles Woodson, the guy who won the Heisman Trophy, the first offensive guy ever sitting in the front row. First joke Norm tells, he looks in the front row and he says, Hey, Charles Woodson, man, you won the Heisman Trophy. No one can ever take that away from you. First defensive guy to win the Heisman Trophy. No one can ever take that away from you. And everybody applauds. It's like a real nice thing. And it settles down. And Norm goes, No one can ever take that Heisman Trophy away. And then he pauses and said, unless, of course, you kill your wife and a waiter. How's that go over? It bombed. Did it really? Well, it was, yeah, it was a radio studio. It was like Kenny Griffey Jr. was on the front. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What did they expect? It's Norm fucking McDonald. Well, maybe not that, but it makes me love him even more. Norm and I talked.

60:18We sat next to each other randomly on an airplane, talked the whole way back, just shot the shit, talked about all kinds of stuff. He's like, yeah, I quit smoking a while ago, just done with it. And for whatever reason, the plane lands, and he goes, man, I just want a cigarette. He just walks in this door. He hadn't smoked in like X amount of months, but just decided from talking about it on the airplane, how he quit smoking, that he just wanted another cigarette. He just grabbed it, went outside, and he's just smoking. I go, what happened? I go, I thought you quit smoking. He goes, I did. I did until just now. I just wanted a cigarette. The movie, me and him, I did a buddy comedy with him, and it got bad reviews. So the reviewer in my hometown paper said, Artie Lang has all the charm of a date rapist. True line. So Norm looks at it, and he calls me up, and he goes, hey, man, that's fucking great.

61:08A date rapist has to have way more charm than a regular rapist. Love. That made me feel better Norm is the coolest motherfucker on the planet I love him and he's funny and I hope He doesn't die broke No, he's just a real special dude He's a very unusual guy I gotta get him on this podcast, I just never see him You'd have a blast, of course When I was on the plane with him, he didn't even have a cell phone back then I got an answering machine They can get me there, you know? Call them back when I want to. That's how it should be anyway. Who cares? They can call me back if they want to. Yeah, I mean, it is how it should be, I guess. Unless someone needs to get a hold of you right now. Well, for doctors, lawyers, kids, I guess it's good. Everything else, who cares? What about gambling? Naughty, the line is hot. I know. I'd rather not know for a while. You had genuine disdain for me in your eyes

62:07when I told you that I didn't watch sports. I really saw it in your eyes. Well, no, because I thought you did watch sports. I know. You were disappointed. But you play sports, though. I don't. Just martial arts. Okay. That's a sport, right? Yeah, I guess so. I mean, are you a box? I played sport, yeah. When me and you first met at Mad TV a long time ago, I thought you told me that you played second baser or you played baseball. Oh, I did before I started martial arts, but that was when I was like 15. I'd have to stay. I'm like, what do you want me to do? You and I had a conversation about boxing because you played my boxing manager on Mad TV. It's actually a very good sketch. It was shot in black and white. But we talked a lot of boxing. Yeah, because we bonded on it, sure. I love boxing. I became friends with you and Callan from that show. Callan's one of my best friends this day. Brian's a good man.

62:56He's a great guy, and he loves you, too. He always says great things to you. Brian and I have a very special friendship. I love that motherfucker. He's a good guy, and I hope he's doing well. Tell him I said hello. I will, for sure. But it was one of those things. It was like you two guys were like you were like when I got on that show, it was like I saw a lot of competition and a lot of like competitive angst. But there was you two guys. There were like regular guys that were cool to hang with. And it was like real normal and comfortable. No Hollywood bullshit. Oh, thanks. Well, it's a fun place to work. It was good to have somebody like you come on so we could just really fuck around. But that show lasted 14 years. God bless it. That's amazing. I still get checks. That's amazing. Yeah. Well, you know, that Mad Magazine. I mean, that's about as iconic. It's a juggernaut. Yeah, it's a juggernaut, absolutely.

63:43That shit was around in like the 60s or the 70s or something, right? 50s probably. 50s? Yeah. I think it was Billy Corbin was saying that he used to have all the Mad magazines. He went away to college, his mom threw them out, he had like every episode, I'm cleaning all the clutter! He just tossed out these fucking icons of American history. I mean, Mad magazine is like, I used to read that shit. My parents used to buy that when I was a little kid. Yeah. That's been around forever. I was big with puns, you know. Yeah. We'd always have to pitch puns, and I would pitch them as a joke, thinking they'd never do it. And sometimes they would do it, and I'm like, oh, wait, I was kidding. Like, I would pitch stuff like Andre Dawson's Creek. He was a baseball player. Rush Limbaugh sings Rush songs. They wouldn't do that. That's hilarious. Tori Amos and Ami they wouldn't do that I mean just make it easier

64:41do you ever see yourself doing a sketch show again or is it just too much work it's a young man's game I look back at those sketches and I'm like oh my god how did I do that did you like doing that sports show it's like the show with you and Nick was mostly sports Nick and I had a lot of fun we got to talk about sports be funny and everything And, of course, the corporate people tried to make it something that wasn't. They wanted a more conservative show. And I can't blame them, but, you know, you didn't hire me to do SportsCenter, did you? Why'd they hire you to do a conservative show? That's ridiculous. Because it's probably one in the long line of bad business decisions that they've made. Yeah, but you guys weren't that outrageous. It wasn't so off the charts crazy. No, we weren't. I think they just, the certain little things we said, you know, might not be considered proper English they got mad at.

65:29It's ridiculous. See, that's the beauty That's where the beauty of podcasting comes in Like you said when you sat down And I love Look, everybody who signed up for me already God bless you I appreciate it Hope people will more This is the first time I am uncensored Completely and utter uncensored I got nobody telling me what to do Nobody, so it'll be fun 100% And you, like, because of your tweets Because of the funny shit that you've been saying And, like, you're in a good place comedically right now. You're hitting high notes. I just did a special. I did a, yeah, everything I've done in the last year I've liked. So, you know. So is that what's, like, bringing you the most joy, like, at this stage? Like, the stand-up? I guess, yeah. Yeah. It seems like it's, like, the most pure, right? You get that burst of one hour. You know, you get it out. Yeah, there's nothing like stand-up, man.

66:22There's nothing like grabbing a mic and saying something in a mic. You get the immediate reaction. You get a check, and you get the hell out of there. Everything else takes forever. Have you ever thought about doing like a Vegas residency? Not for a long time, no. I've been there for two weeks, not longer than two weeks. You wouldn't do it? It depends on the cash, man. I'm seeing you and your gambling in Vegas and someone putting you up in a casino. Dude, I'm telling you. Give me a price. Wild fucking ride. Give me a price, baby. If you really want to go out, like one of those July, those fireworks shows at Disney in July when they really go off right around the 4th. Just give me a number. Brian Regan, who was in here earlier, he lives in Vegas, but he doesn't work in Vegas. He works on the road. Oh, yeah. He lives, but does technically live in Vegas?

67:14Technically lives, like, just outside of Vegas, you know, in one of those suburban towns. But he doesn't perform in Vegas at all. Wow. Wait, really? Yep. What? That's nuts. Well, his kids live there, so he doesn't want to perform near where his kids live. Yeah, Brian Riegel, one of the best comedians ever, was just in there. It was a pleasure to meet Brian. Thank you. I can't believe you'd never met him before. That's crazy. Never met Brian. He is one of my absolute fucking heroes. Yeah. Yeah, he's a great guy, too. Unreal. Clean and good and original. Unreal. Yeah. He reminds me of Gaffigan in that sense, where they're completely squeaky clean, but undeniably two of the best comics in the world. Like, Gaffigan doesn't lose anything for being squeaky clean. His comedy is just... He just smashes it every time. He doesn't have to be dirty. Yeah, they're the same types of guys. Yeah, that's what they do.

68:04That's why the beauty of comedy with a lot of these guys is you have to find out who the fuck they are. Like Mitch Hedberg, perfect example. That's not a model. You can't say, oh, a Hedberg type before he existed. You couldn't nail that down. The closest you would get is maybe Stephen Wright, kind of. Right. But not really. Heberg had his own thing. I know. And he wanted to stick around and see what happened. Yeah. I don't think it was that much of an accident with him, unfortunately. No, unfortunately. Well, after he'd had one health scare from the heroin, and then Whiteberry was getting gangrene or something crazy from shooting into the same spot. That's what happens. You could smell it, too. Getting on a plane. What's it smell like? Oh, I'm not sure I've never smelled it I would imagine not good Like any sort of, well you're dealing with rotting tissue Yeah, it's gotta be like a dead mouse under the couch

69:03Yeah, something like that Probably along those lines Dead tissue Yeah, too bad man What a funny fucking guy he was Jesus Christ, uniquely funny A lot of funny people Yeah, that one guy that just overdosed last week I didn't know that kid. Did you know that kid? No, I never met him. Yeah. I met him through Taylor Vixen back in the day. Yeah. And he followed me. I followed him type thing. We talked a few times. Then I saw him at the clubs a few times. What was his name again? What was his name? Little. What was that? Harris Whittles. Harris Whittles. Harris Whittles. Poor bastard. He was a nice guy. He seemed like a really nice guy. I was actually going to have him on the podcast. But then he became an executive producer of that Parks and Rec show. and I was like, oh, this guy's never... Yeah, I heard he was a really good comic, too. I heard he was a very funny writer. I heard that from everybody. That's fucking...

69:58Those goddamn pills, man. Was it pills? Yeah. How old was he? I heard... Was it pills? Because I was told that he was into heroin. Oh, really? Yeah, but the same thing. One leads to the other. Yeah, I mean, you might be right, but I had heard it was pills. Well, it's, you know, that's what you're getting when you're taking opiates. You're basically getting the same stuff. I mean, it's hillbilly heroin. That's why they call it that. Yeah, the scary part of it is the ingredient they put in that fucks with your liver. Not everything does that. Tylenol has it. Percocet has it. But stuff like Xanax and stuff don't have it for some reason. I have no idea why. But your liver goes way quicker if you take Percocet or something else. When did you have your first experience with opiates? Oh, man. I was probably 14 Whoa What was that feeling like? It was alright, it felt good It threw up a little bit Wow

70:58And then I was at an ACDC concert 1981 Back in black I took a little And it was great Sniff? Concert never felt that good in my life No sniffing I wasn't sniffing anything. How'd you take it? I just took it on my tongue. Really? Yeah. That's all you would do? Just put it on your tongue? When I was 14. Wow. Yeah. Wow. It dissolved and was like, whoa. That's what did it, my friend Johnny. He started out with a lot of it was uppers, a lot of coke. Started out with a lot of coke and crack and things along those lines. And then somewhere along the line, it shifted to heroin. Well, that's what happens because heroin's cheaper. It's better for your liver. You know, the natural thing, and then bam, that fucks you too. It's better for your liver than Coke? Yes. No. No. Pills are worse for your liver than any powder. Powder doesn't have to go through your liver. Wow. 14, man. That's insane. Yeah.

72:04When did it become like a regular thing? Like how old did you become? What was the regular thing? 18. Wow. Something like that. Not 17, 17, 17. So you have, like, periods where you stopped and then periods got back on. Yeah, I could never have done in my career what I did early on if I was on. I don't know. No way. Didn't make sense. You can't function. Yeah. You can't function. Wow. So when you see, like, this how many people get prescribed it today, and you know how much of a pull it has on people. When you see, I mean, they prescribe it to people all the time. People have injuries. It depends on the injury. If you really broke your back, you know, and your loved ones, they don't want you sitting there with a broken back. If they really need it, they really need it. The problem is you've got to go to a great doctor who knows how to wean you off it right.

72:53Because if they don't do it, you'll be in withdrawals when you get out. And then you're physically addicted to it. That's the problem. You're physically. Charlie Parker, the old saxophonist, said something. He said they can get it out of your blood, but they can't get it out of your brain. You know, you keep remembering what it felt like. I mean, that's the problem. My friend Brendan Schaub is a guy who fights for the UFC. He was on the podcast recently talking about how he got his nose reconstructed. He broke his nose in a fight. He couldn't fight for a while and got hooked on pain pills. It's like they prescribed him to him. He started taking them. Before he knew it, he was taking six a day and he was taking them every day. And after the reconstruction is done, he just can't stop taking them. It was for months. Yeah, it's a shame. And he's not that guy. And that destroys your liver.

73:35You might as well get a fungo bed out and just hit your liver with it. Really? That many pills, bam, bam, bam. And especially if you have some booze with them, fuck it. Fuck it, fuck it. Is that the only way to party, though? The booze? You got to mix it? With the pills. Why is that more dangerous? Why is it more dangerous to mix booze with them? Because the combination is like bam, bam. It's like a one-two punch. It's like an overdose type of thing. It's a one-two punch, man. A little water, a little wine. You marinate your liver. Jesus Christ done it plenty of time did you ever do it make bets that you forgot about and wake up in the morning with like a stub in your pocket going what the fuck did I bet on it I used to do that with I told that story before I used to do that with Monday Night Football I would bet at 5 o'clock and then I'd go drinking and I would be drunk and I would call the book again at 7.30 so drunk

74:23and all I would do is bet on the other team so all I could do was lose the VIG the tax for losing so I lose the VIG the next day I called the book up, and I go, what the fuck did you let me do that for? And he actually said this to me. He said, you got to learn a life lesson. I said, thanks, Mr. Book. Your book, he's giving you life lessons. Thanks, Mr. Gambino. That's hilarious. That's fucking hilarious. Unbelievable. Artie Lang, you've had a goddamn colorful life. I don't know. They don't make a dude like you the easy way. Nah, I haven't been easy. That's why you're you, man, you know? That's the beautiful thing about life. What I was saying earlier about hanging out in pool halls, like you meet so many crazy, interesting characters. You do. You do. And it's fun. That's why it makes sense that you could play pool. Well, look, prom is you need a balance. Yeah.

75:18And I could win a lot of money off those other people, too. Although I'm still a dirtbag. Well, that hustle that you guys had is pretty strong. That never failed, except the one time I came to listen. Never failed. Think about it. Your buddy sets it up. It's like, boom. Yeah. He just bobbles it, just hits the point of the pocket and leaves it there. He's like Pete Carroll on the fucking seahooks. Oh, man, that's hilarious that you were doing that for so long. How many times do you guys think you played that? Played what? Did that hustle. In seven years, probably 3,000 times. You're just robbing people. No, we're just gambling. That's not gambling. You're tricking them. You're tricking them. I used it for the right thing. It's smart, though. Look, it's a clever move. It's America. It's America. It is. Free enterprise. Come on, sweetie. Give me a break. Have you ever gotten in trouble for gambling?

76:17Is there a way, like, they ever try to get you to tell who your bookie is? Yes, I got arrested for gambling once, and my buddy did too, and we both kind of dummied up, and they let us go. You dummied up? You mean you didn't? No, I don't know. I don't know what to say. They eventually have to let you go? Monkey no see, monkey no dole. How long do they keep you for? Three hours. I mean, three days. Three days for gambling? Yeah. That's hilarious. Well, the suspicion of gambling. Suspicion of gambling. Three days. What a country. Like Yakov Smirnoff says. They want to get somebody bigger. And I just, I'll be honest with you, I was much more afraid of the other person than the cops. I just was. You know, so I said, they have nothing on me, the lawyer said. They have nothing. You might get three days. Just sit here and shut up. So every time somebody asks me, you go, you know, what's going on?

77:06You gambling with this guy? I'm like, no, I don't think I'm gambling. I mean, I literally say, I can't make me gamble. So how did you get caught? Like, what was the circumstance? The place got raided. The pool. So you guys were playing cards? No, pool. Pool. Suspicion of gambling pool? All shooting pool. Wow. Three days? It was a major ring. This happened in the 40s? And there was card tables on the back. Oh. Card tables on the back. Oh, okay. So it was a sweep. They were trying to get all the connected folk in the neighborhood. You can smoke that if you want. Let's face it, Joe. It was a setup. You think so? Someone inside? I still don't trust a couple of people. Ooh. Not me. Tell me more. Motherfucker. Those motherfuckers. Giants used to have a guy who announced all the games on the radio. His name was Jim Gordon. And so you'd have a bet on the game. and if you made a mistake, if you had a ton of bet on the game

78:01and he was on the radio, if he made mistakes, you didn't know what the fuck was going on. And, you know, it would get nerve-wracking. So, you know, you'd have all this money on the game and here's what Jim Gordon would say. Sims drops back looking for a receiver. He's going way deep, long, long, way down for Baker, baby. Touchdown, Giants! No, he dropped it! And then you get, like, physical pain. And then you get Mega takes the ball His own 32 He crosses midfield 45-40 35-30 He's got one man To beat the kicker He's by the kicker He'll score No he stepped out Of the five One time One time I had $500 To my name I put $1,000 On a giant game And here's what This cocksucker Said on the Fucking fuck radio Giants have the ball Fourth and goal From the one Tune in the lone setback. Hand off time. Maybe. He. He's in. Wait. No. I can't see it. Now word from Toyota. That's what that motherfucker did. listening to sports on the radio

79:26while you're gambling has got to be one of the craziest fucking things ever. Very difficult to do. Well, that's how people did it. Back in the old days, they had the Joe Frazier fights on the radio. Frazier with the right hand! Down goes Frazier! Yeah, that was on the radio. Down goes Frazier! Joe Lewis and Max Schmeling at the Garden. Exactly. Yeah, they used to have those events where people would huddle over the radio and listen to sporting events. My grandfather used to do that with baseball They used to hover over the right field fence With their legs waiting to charge the field Before the last hour was made Their leg was in play That's certainly not allowed Yeah, certainly not allowed My grandfather used to do that Especially games that weren't on television He would listen to them on the radio Sit in front of his fucking couch Listen to the radio on a Yankee game Be very connected to what happened there

80:16Very excited about it The Yankee fan? Yeah, there was some gambling in my family My grandmother was involved in running the numbers, and she got arrested, and she wouldn't rat them out, so they put her in jail for six months. No kidding. Yeah, she would make sweaters for the guards and shit. Damn it, that's a woman. Damn it, that's a woman. She was fresh off the boat. She came here when she was a young girl. God bless her. When you come here when you're a young girl and you grow up with that first-generation immigrant family, that's a different kind of animal. God bless her. You don't rat people out back then. Of course you don't. That's what I'm saying. I'm not talking to you. I'm sorry. I think you have another show that you have to get to. I don't want you to leave, though. I'm telling you. Everything's a big fucking arrangement. Is that what it is? You got a bunch of people telling you what to do.

81:05You can smoke that. Just smoke it. You don't have to stuff it in. How am I going to smoke it? I got no fucking... There's a lighter. I threw you a lighter. Joe, not now. I'm sorry. Here. Here's a little... There's one beside you. There's a little... Thank you very much. We have an air cleaner on right now? Probably not that good. I'm going to watch the smoke drift. See if it goes towards the air cleaner at all. Blew it towards me. I'm good. What the fuck? I'm sorry. There you go. Where are you supposed to go after this? Well, this has been something else. I actually have a dinner with somebody. Special. Special. Let's just say it's a very special person. Let's just say I'm having dinner with someone who's named. And, well, his name rhymes with Shmiumneson. Oh, wow. That's cool. I'm playing a vigilante. Interesting. In a film. Are you the mastermind of the organization that leads him to his daughter that's been kidnapped?

81:58No, I play a cabbie he kills in the first three seconds. He snaps my neck. Wow. He's kicking people's asses at 80. A lot. I mean, it's like he's really cashing them. He's cashing them. But what an unlikely scenario. The guy becomes an action star deep into his 50s, I think, or his 60s. Yeah, after his wife dies. Yeah, how weird. All of a sudden he's kicking everybody's ass. Like all these Taken movies. I have a very special set of skills. Where was all that before? Before he was like a reasonable man in movies. You talk about obnoxious people. Rob Schneider. Rob Schneider was going to do a movie with Steven Seagal. He told this story on Stern. And he goes into Seagal's dressing room. Seagal comes out of the back. and he says to Rob Schneider I just read the greatest script ever written and Rob Schneider said my god that's great who wrote it and he said I did laughter laughter laughter

83:03you never know who you're going to run into those guys exist and they exist out here more than anywhere because 50% of this town works The other 50% fucks the 50% town that works wives. Whoa. Strong words. Thank you so much. I think there's definitely a lot of people out here that are like that, though. There's a lot of boars in the world. They are. How do you stop that? How do we prevent that, Artie? You try to hang out with the right click of people. Right. And if someone gives you shit, you repeat the mantra my therapist told me in the late 70s, which is, of course, your verbal bullets are nothing against my armor of self-confidence. Wow. Strong words. Remember that one. That should be like on Instagram. Next time you're feeling down, just remember that one. There will be a photo of you, I predict, that someone will put up on Instagram with those words and you smiling, holding a cigarette.

83:53I told my mother, if she ever died, I'm going to put three words on her tombstone. She said, bitch could cook. That's all you need. Your Instagram had a photo of her with some of the... or some of the food she cooked for your Super Bowl party. It was a big aluminum tray. Oh, no joke. What was that? If you're ever anywhere near my house, you have to come to the Super Bowl. Sausage and peppers, meatballs with fried green peppers, galamad, and rigatoni with meat sauce, a little salad. Dude, I'm flying in. And, of course, some bread, a little encelelade. I'm getting excited. I got a quick fucking shoot. I help you out with a lot of things, Hendry. Come on. Come on, Hendry. I'm worried about you. You may fold up the questioning. Dude, I'll fly in for that. What do you want? The leg or the wing? I'll tell you what. You fly in for that, I'll fly in for the pool tournament. The pool tournament. It's a deal.

84:55The pool tournament I'm showing you have no idea. I know you're in. No idea. I can see watching you play today. You played good. And you too. Me and you will be in a flask. We'll shoot some pool. I'll say that to Dom. They might fucking back out. Are they good? Are you guys good? No. Dom is good, though. Not these guys. But Dom's good, and Adam Ferrara's pretty good, and Greg Fitzsimmons is good. But these guys, not so good. I'm in. But you're the front runner. And Ferrara can get out pretty good, too. But Greg can get out, too. Greg can get out. All right. Pocket pool, I'm good. I'm in, man. You are. You're like a world champion, right? He's a pocket pool ace. Ace in the hole. In all honesty, I'm in. And please, I'd love to see you back east. But, Joe, thanks for supporting me, too, man, through that bullshit. I appreciate it, man. Listen, you are a real comic, and I love you. I love your personality. I love you.

85:46Let it all hang out. I love you. We go back a long time, man. Sketch at 95, right? Yeah. It was a long time. But you've always been cool. I've always enjoyed your company. Thanks, Joe. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. And what is Artie Quitter? What is that? It's just Artie Lang was taken, and I noticed that this poet, Charles Bukowski, had on his epitaph, Don't Try. His thing was... And that's all it said. It goes, the art of quitting is underrated. And I said, for peace, I'll quit something before I die. So that's what that means. Beautiful. Artie quitter. Artie quitter. Yeah. Artie quitter, ladies and gentlemen. And Artie, your podcast website, one more time. Artiequitter.com is the same place. Artiequitter, Twitter. Artiequitter, all one word, .com. Artie Lang, Uncensored. Thanks. Thank you, brother. Crew, thanks, Joe.