Bill Burr

00:13I'm always trying to type faster than that commercial and I always fail so I'm trying to tweet this live in the moment and then stare at it Mike with my ever shittier eyes oh yeah tell me am I supposed to tweet that I'm doing this right now I just tweeted it I'll do it you could retweet it and that way it'll be retweeted my eyes are fine until I stare at my fucking computer too much no they get screwed up and then you try to look at the TV and you can't see what's going on it's guaranteed it's age but it's also I don't think screens are good for you no just have you ever like taken a picture with your cell phone of a screen and then you see those lines that you can't see like whatever the fuck those are well that's it's actually just your phones the aperture on the camera is not able to catch up with the flickering images that what it

00:59is that's why your eyes so then if I'm looking through the screen at that that doesn't fuck with my eyes I think it's the actual strain of staring at something that's lit up so close to your face that's really fucking with you more than anything isn't that correct is that the correct aperture is that the correct terminology you're squinting you're you're reading you're you're squinting your eyes you don't even realize yeah that's not what we're talking about we're talking about the flashing thing the flashing thing like it's just your camera can't catch shutter speed is that what it is um like if you watch uh cars if you see videos of cars that have lcd lenses there's something happens when you film them it looks like they're flashing it's a different refresh rate usually yeah it's weird I I don't like any of that shit which is why my new special I actually did it in

01:42black and white because I don't like hd tv I think it's I don't like seeing somebody's pores as they're talking to me like hd at this point was great and then it got to a point where it was too it's was too real it's clearer than real life like I went to a game at uh Dallas Cowboys football stadium and they got this giant fucking tv classic texas right we got the biggest fucking tv you know right that means we're the best and it was so clear it looked realer than what was going on in the field and you I'd like pull my the visor down on my my my head because I kept wanting to look at that Tony Romo's like right in front of me the promoter hooked me up with these great seats he's fucking right there and I'm looking up further away than he is for me looking up at this giant fucking tv it's also an instinct to look at screens I see that a lot at the UFC

02:30people are there babies do it yeah everybody does it's an instinct to stare because it's so captivating you know and we're used to staring at screens so like if you're at a sporting event and there's a screen there you just automatically start gravitating towards that screen for some I look at the screens here I usually always just look right here instead of looking right there well you should you're actually running shit you're supposed to do that and make sure that nothing's exploding there's no demons behind us that we don't know about yeah I'm not a fan of uh technology electronics I like some but it just I feel like all the benefits of it are are taken away and then some with the crashing with the refreshing with the what the fuck just happened with the oh now this is outdated and I have to buy a new one and then I throw this one into the fucking ocean I go

03:17back and forth I love it in a lot of ways because I'm I'm just fascinated by innovation I'm fascinated by these new things that these new people keep inventing but there's also part of me that realizes that a certain point in time it's not benefiting us anymore it's not like making our lives easier it's just making things more connected to electronics it's making you more into like whatever world the electronics create yeah somewhere in the 90s we pretty much could have plateaued maybe we were fine and even people say well what about medical stuff and like helping people out and everything help them live long and cure disease and everything that basically kills the rest of us to keep that other person alive and then they're still alive taking a shit that ends up in a river and just keeps polluting

03:59more and more but just like we've just we're all over the fucking place and it really needs to shrink down like the technology I don't think would be a problem if they weren't so everybody has a fucking laptop or so many people have laptops and shirts and all this shit that we just keep buying and then throwing out like you know that whole put litter in its place you ever think about that it's like when they pick it up where do you think it goes do you think it leaves earth it just goes somewhere else we don't have to look at it and it's just fucking sitting there what's gonna happen is they're gonna figure out a way to take everything that we make and turn it into either a product or turn it into fuel like whenever we make something and we have to throw it out it'll just become fuel for something

04:38else do you know how many people would have to agree just to even get that ball even slightly moving they would just somehow jesus would be brought up and somehow uh just something them versus us republican democrat liberal conservatives and nothing would get done and they would just sit there screaming at each other maybe or maybe they could figure out a way to actually use whatever the fuck pollution is like whatever carbon goes into the atmosphere pull that out and convert that into energy i guarantee you there's probably some fucking nerds that already know how to do something along those lines maybe not to that level but at least take the shit from down the dump you know they know how to do it there's just no money in it and it's just like they probably get checks to not do it yeah things are companies show up with hookers and fucking just a fucking big freight train full of

05:27money come on boys it's a party yeah don't do that then we got to get all new machines that's going to cost us a bunch of money just do it the way we do it until we die and then you guys can do it how you want to do it by then someone else has bought into the deal so i'm completely pessimistic when it comes to that shit people think that that's all bullshit that like those kind of conspiracies don't exist come on you guys are just nuts this is stupid nobody would do that if they could get rid of the pollution they would but if getting rid of the pollution costs somebody money i guarantee you there'd be somebody that try to cock block it yeah there would be if there was a guy like the the classic william randolph her story i don't know if you know this but the reason why marijuana became illegal wasn't because

06:06there was a problem with people smoking marijuana it was because william randolph hearst owned paper mills and he also owned newspapers and so he was going to have to convert his paper mills over to hemp paper because it's way easier to grow you refill an entire forest in like a year like you chop them down oh yeah i mean he owned a lot of newspapers i know it's the reason why rosebud was you know that whole that whole uh citizen king movie up the coast yeah he's fucking he was fucking crazy but he had so much money and so much power that he could just print fake stories so he wrote these stories about blacks and mexicans i'm sure he didn't write them but he commissioned them blacks and mexican smoking this new drug called marijuana and having sex with all these white women like that wasn't even what they

06:52called marijuana if he actually did that i wonder how many people died because of that story oh god a lot i'm sure a lot people in jail i mean just think about that that was in the 1930s and it still stuck it was all about hemp it wasn't even about marijuana they weren't even worried about the drug the drug was commonly used amongst jazz singers and all these other people would smoke pot it was a normal thing the real issue was the hemp like the commodity the non-psychoactive hemp they were worried about it taking over and having to spend millions of dollars to convert all of his paper plants to hemp paper yeah you just want to smoke weed that's the conspiracy against the conspiracy but you're right people who don't people who don't believe in conspiracy is funny to me it's like dude you conspire you go to a bar you see two hot chicks you come up with a game plan yeah that's a conspiracy

07:43you're conspiring to get over there and try and fuck them then just to sit there and like like all advertising that you're it's a conspiracy what the fuck i'm doing here now selling my special you we conspired yeah you think i just showed up here yeah we conspired we i was like no joe rogan's got a zillion fucking followers he's a fan of my shit i know it's gonna come off good this will get me like i yeah i want i want this to keep going i'm just not randomly doing this shit you're conspiring yeah but just because i'm not whacking a president in the middle of it doesn't mean it's not a conspiracy well the shit like the enron disaster that went down that was a conspiracy there's a bunch of conspiracies that you could see in clear form that actually did happen well the best thing they did is they they made conspiracy synonymous with moronic thought and everybody says oh you're

08:28putting your tin ad on it's like this whole country came about through a conspiracy the revolution was not a spontaneous act people sat there and was like okay we're gonna rebel against these fuckers well they're gonna hang us as traitors if we don't pull this off they came up with a game plan if you want to call it that but if if they lost they would they would have been talking about this treasonous conspiracy by all these guys that are now on our money right right wouldn't that be so true it's so true yeah but now but then and if you say you're into any sort of conspiracy that automatically means you think 9-11 was an inside job and that the moon was made out of cheese well 9-11 is the best one because this is the one that i always use my favorite one when people don't believe in conspiracies i say do you believe that 9-11 happened they say yes well then you believe in

09:15conspiracies because people conspired to fucking hijack planes and fly them into buildings that doesn't just but my whole thing with that you know that americans were involved and then that i mean give me a fucking break okay so that's not right out right out of the gate you got to be okay so who wants to fly it in and die i think i'd like to do that i mean you got to have an absolute fucking nut job to do something like that so do you got to have them i mean i don't think we've ever even we've never had kamikazes you've never been able to get americans to be like listen i'll go over there and try and fuck some people up but if you think i'm gonna fly some shit into something or walk into a cafe strapped up with a bomb get the fuck out of here yeah no americans do that no no we've had guys jump on grenades to save other people but to run into a pizza hut

10:05yeah that's not our style that's not that's not our style we're not in a suicide bombing yeah we're into doing it from 60 000 feet and calling it freedom with an xbox you know the funny thing about the uh original suicide bombers the uh the kamikazes they were all methed out i didn't realize that until a few years ago i didn't even know that meth was like an important part of their diet back then i never saw that in the ken burns documentary where are you getting that information it's apparently just a historical fact and even there was a recent report on hitler hitler himself was on a litany of medication and one of them was meth they were giving him meth they would give meth to people back but i don't fault him for that dude the amount of energy that that guy put out during his speeches he needed a little he needed something to level off well forget about this forget about the

10:55screaming and yelling just sitting that's still waiting for the right moment building them into that that frenzy do you ever watch that michael jackson documentary right before he died yeah where he just freeze after he did a dance move yeah let it simmer let it simmer that's hitler shit just sitting in that fucking chair just getting him crazy just wanting to hear or see the next thing what's he gonna do it's timing it's fucking timing some people i've never had the balls to do that on stage the michael jackson hitler simmer moment you would have to do we gotta do that tonight at the comedy store all right we okay we gotta have this you gotta have oh dude if we had some of the technology i could be in your ear you know you had to keep a straight face after a punchline as you're looking down some fucked up pose i'm just going let it simmer let it simmer let it simmer

11:46and release so my dad was crazy but comedy clubs are filled with drunks and it's nothing you know the thing about a guy like michael jackson he's up there doing some shit you can't do he's spinning and moonwalking and it's an acrobatic event but you see a guy like you or a guy like me on stage he's talking you know you're like i can fucking talk you know we all look like gym teachers just coming out like we're gonna do roll call yeah you have a couple of drinks i can fucking talk i know how to talk i can't moonwalk but i can fucking talk yeah exactly so you can't hold those those pauses to them it's like the green light fucking queer it's like they can't help it they can't help it those big juicy pauses there's just this opening they could they could say something funny too like when it happens in a movie theater most of the time it's retarded but every now and then someone

12:37will yell something out in the movie theater and it's fucking hilarious right and then that guy you know he becomes a hero for for that crowd he just killed there's always that one guy doing sporting events like now we like to take a moment of silence for all the victims yeah the fucking uh outhouse fire and everybody shuts up and it's like just we just want you to remain quiet for 30 seconds there's always that guy 20 seconds and you hear this guy go yeah like let's wrap it up i want to see what i came here to pay for why any of those fucking moments of silence like you know you could do like a 10 count at a boxing match if uh you know lou de bella dies or something like that or one of those guys what was his name lou was the the famous guy that had like the worst skin no no no there's this uh famous he did funny song videos god damn it wallach i don't remember his name al cinder he was

13:32he was famous all throughout the grant 1980s he used to he used to train meldrick taylor i don't remember anyway now the point is he looked like the most unhealthy guy ever lou duva that's it lou duva you nailed it pull up a picture of lou duva just so everybody knows what the fuck we're talking about but he was you know like when he died i'm sure they had a a 10 count for a guy like that a 10 count okay but those fucking 30 seconds of silence come on man he had to pay for that wonderful head of hair man you have to see what this dude looks like i don't remember page not found that's what he looked like he looked like an older freddie blassie classy freddie blassie nobody there he is little duva uh come on come on seriously that might be the most unhealthy looking man that's ever lived yeah but that's right towards the end man even when he was like 12 i bet he looked like that

14:23he had that elvis hair he did have some good hair he did fonzie hair for his whole fucking life i'm so jealous anyway point being those uh moments that you do in like that kind of a performance and plus if michael jackson's doing it there's fucking 30 000 people there and you know he's 30 at least 60 80 that guy huge numbers yeah what was like the biggest place he's ever done is probably like hundreds of thousands do you know you know the the original family that owned the new england patriots they went bankrupt on the michael jackson victory tour when he went out with uh with all of his brothers oh uh the son put the thing together and i don't know if this is true so i gotta preface this but a promoter in boston told me this so forever like michael jackson was going to go to foxborough stadium where the patriots were playing and they promoted the show and all the tickets and he had that you

15:15know what a pay or play whatever they call no matter what you got to pay the guy and the town of foxborough said no we don't want this show we don't want all these black people coming out here all right that's that's what it was that's that's what it was i mean they are white people got too crazy on monday night and they stopped having monday night football for like 20 years like foxborough's like we're not having this really this is a quiet little town have your football game during the day on sunday and then get the fuck out of here so they canceled the show and i thought the amount of money lost on that show they were close enough that that brought them under but what this promoter was claiming was this guy actually promoted the whole tour and when he was doing the finances he didn't take into consideration how big michael jackson's stage was and how many seats that that was going

15:58to eat up he had this giant ass fucking stage that was eating up like tens of thousands of dollars a night times all of these fucking dates and when he tried to get him go hey mike can you just have a smaller stage blah blah i guess he was competing with prince and was saying like no because if i have a smaller stage prince will have a bigger stage and i i gotta make sure my shit is bigger than his of course he said that in a falsetto i don't know if this is true right but like this is the story this guy told me it blew my mind i was like oh i always thought they went broke on just because of that one fucking date that he canceled that and i just figured you know there's 60 000 people there that's what reminded me talking about 60 000 people all paid that money and he still had to give them a cut of that and they just didn't have it that actually does make sense that this the size of

16:39the stage thing that totally makes sense yeah because there's a comedy club that did that in new york where they for some reason they moved the stage out away from the wall and they had this little small club and they moved it away from the wall so the waitresses could walk behind the stage behind this wall and like they took out like five or six tables and all the other comedy clubs were laughing and they figured out how much money they fucked themselves out of over the course of a year you know doing shows two three shows a night times six seven days like they were fucking themselves out of like three quarters of a million dollars a year so they hadn't and they they ended up having to move the wall that was fucking hilarious everybody from day one is just like this is stupid it was already one of those rooms that was kind of shaped it's not the cellar but it was shaped like the

17:19cellar where it's like you're standing sideways in a rectangle right so you kind of got to angle yourself and they took that shit and moved you further into the crowd so it was almost like like you're in the round almost yeah but only on but the people are on two sides there's a place like that in san francisco there's a theater that i did that's like that it's weird you want the stage goes out into the crowd and like so people are behind you and to the left and behind you and to the right it's very strange you did that thing with me right yeah yeah that was weird right right i don't think you ever want to be sitting behind a performance no well i'm doing a theater in the round in phoenix just celebrity theater yeah just because it'll be weird no i've done it a few times before but what you do oh you've done this before i just start the joke on this side and then turn and end on that

18:05side and i just really try to be conscious of sections yeah like dane said the most brilliant thing about the uh the the theater in the round he goes it's four theaters just look at it that way it's four theaters just all stuck together you just sort of perform in one theater then this one and then that one over there and then i just think you do it like the the the three card monty you just sort of switch it up like you don't right right right actually go around but i know i know people that have seen comics i'll do a theater in the round they'll be like so and so is here and he didn't move like one of those comics that just stands there with the mic in the mic stand so they were in the back and they're just sitting there and one of them had like a slow turning stage right so eventually you're just gonna do 20 more jokes he's gonna be looking at it so he made the

18:49stage turn while he was up there they have a stage that turns and i think that's for musical acts we have a drunk kid in amps planted so they're not moving but it's also for i think like performers who just want to stand there and not move around they get spun around like they're on a fucking carousel you did that one very slowly very slowly it spins a few times yeah the one that turns though yeah but it turns very slowly yeah very slow it's the same place yeah the celebrity theater that's the one we're talking about yeah i forgot that it turns yeah they asked you the option do you want the stage turned on i'm definitely gonna say yes i'm definitely gonna say yes oh i always say no it's like i don't need i don't need that i want it just for because it's weird yeah well if it could speed it up you could literally just be running in place doing a whole fucking joke running against it

19:34my goal is to do so many shots while i'm on stage that i can't figure out where the stool is at any given time it could be anywhere it's moving around no way i was gonna say no way i've been drunk twice on stage twice twice in 20 something years yeah it's not the best move every now and then though it's the right thing to do once i was in ireland so that's not my fault and the other time i was coming back from a yankees red sox game and didn't know i was gonna have a show and somebody called up hey i had a falling out can you come down and do the show and i thought i was sober one of those like yeah i'll do and i just went up there and i was like i was just like oh shit i had to slow way down and had a very very uh subpar fucking show was bad so you had to slow way down just to get your mouth to work right yes which killed the timing of everything so i i bombed very slowly i see that

20:27with um that the term punch drunk that's like a term that people don't like but that's uh that's exactly what it's like that same thing where you know you're a little fucked up so you have to struggle to get your words out like you can see that in fighters it's the exact same thing it's why they call it punch drunk it's not just they sound like they're drunk but the same thing like you have to struggle to control your situation and then when those guys get drunk that's when you see guys that are really punch drunk when guys that have been punch drunk get drunk because then you see they have a hard time yeah because they have a really hard time controlling the words then then it's just a it's a mangled mess it's hard to understand the uh that that ufc the uh what do you call when they stick them in the house and all that shit ultimate fighter the ultimate fighter and it's all women

21:13and like i remember last time i did your podcast i was against it like women in the octagon it's like they like why would you do that they're beautiful why would you punch each other in the face and i want to see a jab to your breasts and shit it's just i didn't want to see it and now i don't even notice it anymore and it's it's unbelievably fucking entertaining you don't notice that they're girls anymore no no they're great fights and it's guys are already good at talking shit and fucking not liking each other but just women just take it to that extra fucking level that shit talking and then the fact that they can beat the fuck out of you and then it's funny as a guy to be just watching it going like there is not one woman in this house that i could even get on the floor like these women would all just mop the floor with me there's a fucking hilarious youtube video somebody tweeted

22:01it to me and i don't know i just lost it in the ether it was this girl it just starts right in it's almost one of those six second videos whatever the fucking kids call them and you knew this kid had a little bit of training and this girl had more training and she came at him it was like she climbed up his body like stepped on his fucking thigh and then was behind him and the video ends with him just grabbing like this is his rear naked go you know he was out before he went and the whole party just goes oh and it ends and i fucking died laughing but going like i wouldn't even have lasted as long as that kid did because it seemed like he knew a little bit of uh defense a little bit of defense like i have a great ronda rousey bit of like what it would be like to date her if she was actually physically abusive but i just can't do the pratfall i want to act like you know her big

22:47move is she does that fucking throw and you go over her hip right and just you fucking landing on the ground you're like in a relationship with her oh armbar real mature real mature you're like i know i tapped out that doesn't mean because you're right i didn't want my arm broken and then she comes at you gotta knock down the stool to try to have something in between you and her i think a chick like that probably has to date a fighter if i had to guess she probably has to date some guy who also knows how to do what she does i just couldn't imagine dude if i dated her i'd be out in the kitchen like an apron just like making her food and shit i just couldn't get me look at me sideways she'd fuck me up almost every female fighter does they all date fighters they just does just seems like you know a girl being in a position like that where she could just beat the fuck out of her

23:32boyfriend i don't think chicks like that that's i never looked at it that way because i always thought it was hilarious like i i could date somebody like that i would think it was funny that they could kick the shit and when my guy friends gave me shit i'd be like yeah man she kicked the shit i mean you i think it's funny but like i never looked at it like because even though they're like like these lethal weapons now there is still there could possibly still i should say i don't want to speak for him that this female male relationship where that they still want the guy to be able to protect them yeah and it's just kind of like uh yeah dude that's funny because then they're just sort of rendering you useless because they're already making a zillion dollars so there goes here i'm providing i can protect you dude i can kick your ass and then i can also have a kid

24:14so you're basically now like a 45 year old teenager it just gives you a little height share you know what i like about watching female fights self-sustained unit i think it's fucking awesome what i like about watching female fights is that they're more reliant on technique because they don't have overwhelming physical strength like there's certain guys that have overwhelming physical strength and abilities oh they can plow through yeah they can just grab guys yeah they can muscle things they can they just hit really hard so sometimes they have like shitty technique they throw windmill punches but with a lot of women what you're getting is you're getting the purest technique you can get this isn't good depends on where your head is i like to be a gentleman with my opponent give him plenty of time to see it coming

25:02and let him know the kibachas are always coming from the same direction if you see the left the next one's the right if you see the right the next one's the left yeah don't get tricky it's a linear story it's a linear story this isn't tarantino we're dancing here okay left right left right but with chicks they're they're forced to use more tech i mean obviously there's there's a curve as far as like physical strength is like someone like serena williams is obviously a very physically strong girl and there's other girls that are like not as physically strong you know she'd throw me over a couch and you know when you hit the window like sideways and then slide down she's so land on some gym shoes impressive like her legs and the strength that she has i was at i was at a party one time uh some agency i used to be at and they also represented her and you forget your agency also represents you

25:52know athletes because they want to like fucking you know make money off of selling doritos or whatever right and she was at the party with a basketball player so he was like you know so they were a proportioned couple like i felt like a dwarf dude like she was like uh just like it was totally gorgeous totally in proportion just like like super athlete dude marvel comic uh body it's like going like dude you you should be wearing a fucking cape it's just no and it's just you know you just see people like that and you just go like oh yeah that's why like you always sit there in the back of your head as you're watching some quarterback that sucks gun what if i did some more sit-ups what if i could throw against my body like fucking brett farr but not throw an interception and then you actually run into the real athletes dude i saw joe theisman who always looked like a little fella

26:38you know when he was out there he had the one little bar here he got his leg broken he just he always looked just so small when he was out there i saw the guy in like in a mall he's like 6'1 and like still jacked i'm like almost 5'10 i'm just going like this guy would fucking drop me how did he uh did he get his leg fixed did they put bars in it and pins and shit like how did he get his legs fixed imagine i haven't been in contact with uh did anybody at the hospital job but did that end his career that was my my question yes it did that was the last play he watched he said i remember one time he said he watched the replay one time uh and that was that was it for him and uh and i actually when uh silva broke his leg i think that reminded me of that that compound fracture just like oh my god oh my god i can't even imagine the pain and then going into the shock and then the fact now is he's

27:30coming back right silva is yeah january he's gonna fight to fucking sit there after you went through that and did just the first time you start throwing kicks with that leg again just like the level of whatever that is i don't have that anywhere in my life like if i ever fucking broke my leg like that doing stand-up that's it i would i would be i'd open a comedy club you should go up on stage i don't i don't want to do that anymore he's at the end of his career he's got a few years left fighting and uh he has an opportunity to still make a lot of money and i think he's probably just gonna just make as much money as he can over the next few years and then get out now what what is the that that rumor that i hear that if you break a bone this is such a bottle he'll stronger he'll stronger do sort of i mean it's less likely to break in the area where it broke it's less likely to break there it gets

28:20knotted up and thick but i'm not necessarily sure it gets stronger thank you dr rogan say why am i asking you these fucking questions i do know a lot about broken bones this is this is how i learn all of my shit asking people who don't have the job asking how does ups get all those packages to everybody overnight if you ever have questions like that and you want answers ask brian cowen and even if he doesn't know the answer he'll fucking keep going he will come up with something that's a logical just out of pure insecurity of just not knowing the answer he just has to fucking answer yeah he'll fucking argue about some shit he's not educated in at all i love but he also has a shitload of fucking information in his head brian is like one of the best i've ever met at being able to pull quotes out of the air about books that he's read like

29:10constantly he's reading books but yeah hang with him for one three minutes you realize he's out of his fucking mind he's crazy you just gotta take everything i love him i love him but he's out he's out of his fucking mind he's definitely crazy his fucking mind is going like a thousand rpms constantly always dude whenever i talk to him you just got to do the ollie you lay against the ropes and just let all the information come at you and then you get him with one and then you come back oh and by the way what are you doing you got a pair of shoulders on you huh what are you doing that foot is hanging off your neck i bet you got a piece on you yeah a piece on you i went hunting with him it was five i mean i've done it three times now but it's five days of gay jokes of him scaring fish by not shutting up he really should be here people gonna think i don't like him i love

29:55him i love him i love him i just like trashing him he knows what he does he's that's part of his charm is that he likes to make fun of himself did he go up and talk to the bear and ask him what he's doing to get those back muscles he would look at that bear bear's cock's almost as big as mine i gotta find out but we were for five days you think if i walked around on all fours and occasionally stood up i'd be like a bear i'd be like a bear without all that hair five days every time it's just constantly the brian cowen show because you could just wind him up he's just that guy he's always on he's never not funny like he's never i never call brian he's depressed you know if he is depressed to be depressed for a couple minutes and then he'll just start talking about something and he'll start talking about his lean muscle mass or you know

30:43how he's built for dance and he'll just go into something and then next thing you know you're laughing he just doesn't want that uncomfortable silence no he's like what's his face at the end of the hulk phil bixby yeah instead of walking away from the the town those are his troubles do you know that the hulk they change i just want to i just want to keep trashing him until people show him this clip so i get on his show again the they change the hulk's name is this from land of the lost by the way the piece of salt no that's from uh the the hippie warehouse oh it's um these these ideas these salt crystal lamps they're supposed to and somehow or another like generate positive ions and saltify the air float through the air and make you feel better they changed robert banner was uh bill bixby's character's name on the hulk but the real the real name is bruce banner right

31:36but they changed it from bruce to robert for tv because they thought bruce is a gay name bruce how did it bruce are you angry again don't get mad right god you were so green last night it was so embarrassing and you ruined your pants again how did bruce become a gay name it's like bruce for the long the longest time it's like you know bruce i was gonna say bruce jenner but i guess that's a bad example now it was a good example a few years back do that guy what's going on he was such a good-looking guy yeah there was never anything wrong with his nose he's becoming a good-looking older lady though that's what's going on hey god bless him if it makes him happy exactly god bless him if it makes him happy i just i just don't just watching people fucking age badly no attacking their face yeah it's a weird thing that people do they get they want to change it and then they

32:29think when they change it it looks better just looks different for the most how much of a hug do you need if you're staring at your throat in the mirror like sideways holding a mirror going i don't like my adam's apple like i don't think i don't even know what my adam's apple look i couldn't pick out my adam's apple in a fucking lineup i don't think i've ever looked at it i think his deal and i'm just guessing is that he's probably transitioning to being a woman if i had a guess i think i think that's a probably a pretty safe estimate at this point he's grown his hair long his nails are long he had his now do you think he'll come up with an original name or do you think he'll just he's got fingernail polish on now man do you think he'll he'll uh okay he'll he'll go with a um a new name like bruceina yeah that's what i'm saying do you think he'll go hacky and just make

33:19his name effeminate like bill bill arena no i bet he has a fucking full character that he that he becomes when he becomes a woman let me see let me put bring him back up bring him back up those nails i mean first of all if this is fake he looks like a jennifer you think so i would say claudia no he's not claudia i was gonna say he looks like a claudia look at him he's got a cigarette susan or a jennifer so he's smoking cigarettes too of course and look at him right here yeah we all know gay people they're always smoking cigarettes that's what the fuck does that have to do with it i think that looks that's a pretty good picture of what he probably looks like you know like he has like his lipstick on when no one's looking and he's tucking i don't think that's bad he looks like you know he looks like an older lead singer of a band yeah and they're doing the casino circuit well the

34:11two earrings too it's like he really balling he seems to be becoming a woman seems to be becoming one good for him yeah i mean this is a good time to be a lady this is a good time to be a transgender woman too you know people are more accepting of it than ever before it's a good time for bruce but it's i mean how ironic his name is bruce it should but it should bother you it should not it really should not it should not you know having said that i hate the color of his nail polish red is my favorite i feel like if you don't feel he's that i don't feel he's that type i don't that's too racy for i don't mind it he's an olympic medalist what do you think he should have black go goth i think he needs an edge i think he's just a little too soft like he's got his hair blown out i wouldn't if i had to do a makeover okay less scarves less flowing shit and i yeah he needs an

35:12edge man poor guy look at him he's wearing those visors this old lady tennis visors if you're not hunter s thompson they don't say vegas on them take that fucking thing off that was the picture of absolute bliss though i think he wants to do it that's what he wants to do god bless yeah well listen he's been with those crazy bitches for so long he became one i mean that's really what it is i think it's a little more i think they tricked them joe i think they could put you in that house and i don't think you're coming out looking like that i probably would imagine if i did imagine if it was proven that if you're around women like that many women long enough they slowly but surely ebb your masculinity away till you want to become a woman if it's proven that like we we imitate our atmosphere so much that when we're around the opposite sex for too much well if you

35:59were one of those people that view uh what's that psychological word they say that you're a uh you're codependent and you know you got to watch out who you hang out with or pretty soon you're doing what they're doing yeah the next thing you know you know there are people like you want a pleated skirt you'd like some uggs probably starts with the uggs i think it starts the feet it starts the feet first pedicures and then you you work your way up your body if you're easing into it yeah because people aren't people aren't going to notice that people aren't going to notice i got a manicure one time one time i got a manicure really i fucking hated it did you get angry uh no i just i didn't like it it's pain i didn't like it why didn't you like it well i was on i was on the road with uh uh charlie murphy and and donnell and it's acceptable in the uh amongst black guys

36:48to get your fucking nails done right it's like considered some pimp shit so like you gotta do it so i'm literally sitting there next to charlie like this with my hand in the thing and i'm laughing bill bird is the way to do it i know he was laughing too because i just kept saying this is the most effeminate fucking thing i've ever done forget about doing it with you who's just overloaded with testosterone so charlie you need to do this so you don't windmill kick somebody i don't know i'm more in the middle i don't need to do this and i was on stage that night and i was just going like this i was self-conscious i got the i got the clear i got the clear finish and they were just like glistening yeah but then what sucks is then it starts to peel so then you just you just fucking scratch and then it looks gross did you try to prematurely age it do you like maybe get some

37:34sandpaper yeah i was i was doing all i was yeah super homophobic about it fingers in the dirt fisting the dirt yeah try to get the nail polish off no i found somebody with one of those gravel driveways isn't it fun that became a big thing in the african-american community getting your toes and nails done like there's pictures of dudes like getting their toes done on the cell phone you know talking aubry with his alpha nail remember that yeah no it wasn't really his it was his friend's company but yeah he was a part of it yeah no they they take being clean to a whole nother level and generally speaking some of them think white people are pretty filthy that was a trend in mma fighters for the longest time was getting their nails done like chuck liddell started out but that was funny man colored yeah pink and i thought it was to me that's fucking funny because

38:24you can kick the shit out of somebody yeah that's that you ever hear that bruce lee story what's that he used to walk around wherever the fuck he was from he would go into the city and he would act all effeminate so people would fuck with him and then he beat the shit out of him and his friend would say why did you do that and he said because if i just kicked his ass he could get over with it but if some effeminate guy kicked his ass that's gonna stay with him and i want that to be true i can give you the whatever the book is the bruce lee book is uh it has a red cover i can never remember the name of it in a black and white photo and he's like this and just fucking shredded yeah he was opposed to all the other bruce lee photos where he's like 20 pounds overweight sorry i would think that he would probably be a guy who would come up with a bunch of different real life scenarios just to

39:07test his martial arts and to you know become an effeminate guy and have guys try to beat your ass it seems like a good move that's pretty badass i think it's a smart move yeah because most people spend their lives right here avoiding physical confrontations it's like you know you know once once people really started gaining weight and fucking bloody noses and busted eye sockets i tapped out i was just like i'm gonna tell some jokes if you the only way to really test it is to test it in a real life situation there's a lot of people that look really good in the gym and then when it comes to an actual fight they just fall apart in panic they just can't do it i just think that you need that you got to have a couple on the that's like you know a couple of drinks no you gotta you gotta have a couple of fights and hopefully survive them yeah if you don't have a fight and have you ever you

39:51ever seen someone get in a fight that's never been in a fight before and go into a full panic no i think i've told the story before but it was at the comedy store we're sitting on the patio and there was this guy this uh black guy and a white guy they were fighting in front of the house of blues and they're yelling at each other and it turns physical and as it turns physical the white guy is in full-on fucking panic mode his eyes are closed and he's literally was this me flailing this way like this way like not moving his shoulders but his arms are like like he's boxing the guy's ears that's what he's doing right left right left i mean his hands are open he's just absolutely in a full panic and then a bus pulls in front of him and i don't get to see what the fuck happened the bus moves past the guy's laid out flat out cold the black guy's nowhere to be found the white guy's

40:43fucking dead stiff knocked out people are freaking out so obviously he got hit i have no idea what happened is this bad that's about to do this and just have your face right terrible technique it doesn't hurt your opponent about double time it's the good thing about it is you're being very ethical like you're not you're not harming your opponent you're involved in a physical altercation but you're not going to do any damage that's one of the things you don't want to hurt your hands punching somebody's skull or you don't want to fuck up your manicure snoop dog snoop dog has his nails did wow he gets french tips i guess different colors white black white black yeah okay he's snoop dog he can do it remember when tate used to do his nails yeah tate used to have colored nails that whole alpha nail polish thing those there's a lot of dummies that were doing that for

41:28a while they all got off of it roger worked i had yeah but i feel like that's the type of shit that like when you almost start dressing like a chick like you actually get more pussy like more women coming like that rock star thing that androgynous fucking look you start borrowing their clothes the next thing you know they're blowing you that's how i heard it went down well what's really funny is that in hit parades that's how i read it like judas priest started a lot of the metal stuff rob halford you know all the snm dressing yeah snm dressing and people didn't realize he was gay as fuck right yeah i had no idea rob halford was gay as fuck and he got all these guys to essentially dress like gay snm guys yeah like that was what became the look it's brilliant but that's how much of a bad motherfucker he is he made people kind of like go against their instincts one of the great front

42:15man oh and then nothing too he he basically was completely 100 other than freddie mercury who was literally in a band called queen and we're just so dumb like no he's fine bro he's straight he sings good that's all don't be homophobic like it matters yeah time after time do freddie mercury i mean that that fucking guy that that live aid set is one of the i would put that up against anybody's performance yeah ever well he was a bad motherfucker dude he turned wembley stadium into a fucking coffee house he had them everybody like the fucking back row mm-hmm that yeah that guy was unbelievable yeah he was sensational he was a really unique talent like like there was no one like him before because he was such a combination of like masculinity and femininity and expression i never noticed any of that i was just like this fucking guy

43:12you can't stop watching him and his his his uh his singing was incredible and he was yeah better live as good as the albums were he's one of the few guys that was actually fucking better live wow um i haven't seen anybody come close to that guy wow since wow that's a strong statement bill burr anybody you got anybody that could fucking hold a hundred thousand people in the palm of his hand after you had to follow all those other beasts you know it's true you had to go and have to robert plant jimmy page that one didn't go well that was that was one of the ones that didn't go out which is why 2007 went so well because they were like we can't do that again they put it together last fucking second and then you had like they had they had they had they had two drummers at the same can you please whisper that in my ear during my act that i thought it was so hard to go out

43:59after zeppelin you were you were the first guy to call me up you called me up and left a message about zeppelin you called me up be like you're not gonna fucking believe this but you gotta go home devastating go on youtube you're not gonna fucking believe this they stole everything they fucking i didn't say that i was saying that they fucking there's this thing there called the song remains the same and they were showing how many dude they're right now going going to trial yep on stairway to heaven and you call me about this it was many years ago to me i still love john bottom i actually still love their music because i still have all because it is still great and i still great and i have all those childhood memories of where i was when i when it was going on but like i you know it's like the cosby thing you just hope it isn't true well with the zeppelin thing to me

44:40you know stealing a riff raping women you know what a shithead that latest one with the 15 year old it's the worst yeah the the cosby thing is very different obviously but the thing about zeppelin that got me was that every band is influenced by every other band every band i mean they all you're you're going back to everybody who you're fans with and there's guys that sound like guys because that was their music and i think as a lot of us as comics no one ever got sued for being influenced no one ever got sued that was my point that was my point sorry my point was but there's a certain line that you cross that they crossed where they were stealing riffs the opening the stairway to heaven it's like my god it's the same thing still a legend it seems i don't want you to get trouble when you're selling me undies allegedly allegedly thievery but it made me less it made me

45:32like them less i know the music is still amazing but it made me like them less that was uh that was devastating yeah but they're still well i have a bootleg of theirs and they have them at like um the whiskey or something and they have a song called killing floor that sounds like the lemon song and then by the time it's out on led zeppelin 2 it's called the lemon song and then later they got sued for that by the guy who wrote killing floor so they it's not like they didn't know like that's one of those things where it's just like dude you obviously knew that you were calling it killing floor as a cover and then you switched some of the lyrics and then called it the lemon song but i don't know if this is to me this is just me is completely uneducated looking at this shit i just know that uh you know that just is a little suspect but just you know obviously i'm not a musician

46:22so i mean i don't fucking i don't know i don't want it to be true i don't want it to be true either but that's the same thing as the cosby stuff nobody wants i mean this i was reading this chris rock article it's a really interesting chris rock article where he's talking about um people being offended by everything and that's why he doesn't do colleges anymore because they're just looking to be offended at things and they're just too easy to offend but you know he was saying that he just doesn't want it to be true and i think everybody feels like that except the people that obviously were raped by him well they would want it not to be true because then they wouldn't be raped right so yeah so like all of like yeah you don't want that to happen to somebody and then also this person that you you hold as a comedian you know yeah we almost went to see him too we were

47:00gonna we were planning on taking a trip to vegas i saw him earlier this year did you yep where'd you see him i saw him out in pasadena at a theater and i met him uh about a year and a half ago yeah it was fucking amazing really it was amazing it was fucking amazing i was uh his set was amazing yeah everything yeah yeah when he went to go see the guy me talking about a guy you know yeah 77 years 76 77 years old was excited about his new special and was like well i'm gonna tell you how i shot this thing and then he was just animated so fucking excited about his new special and it was just like to see a guy that far into it still that excited about stand-up like dude like that gave me a charge for like weeks wow and uh you know so like i said i hope it's not true yeah but you should really hope it's not true for the victims more so than him but you're just

47:46focusing on him though but if you're doing that then the victims are crazy liars alleged victim well i mean then you know that's better to be a crazy i would rather a person to be a crazy liar than to be a rape victim and i think they would too being raped by bill cosby this new one's interesting because the girl says says she was 15 and he he took her to the playboy mansion and alleged allegedly but when you go to the playboy mansion they have your name on records like every person that goes there has to put their name down and all their information down so there might be actual proof that she was 15 and he took her to the playboy mansion we right now sound like one of those bad news programs so there might be we might have some information later so hang around for that but like not belittling the point or whatever that's just it's fucking brutal it's crazy that this all

48:33happened out of hannibal burris's joke like him talking about it on stage no somebody filming the person who put it up should be getting credit because hannibal didn't do that and he shouldn't be getting the grief either it was a fucking great joke it's a funny joke yeah it's a joke yeah and then it became funny bit possible fact um i actually felt bad for him because i don't think he wanted that i think he just i think he was just telling a joke dude if some of this shit you know that's all of that shit is taken out of like everything like these fucking people who take your shit they do the same thing that a news like a a biased news channel or like a political ad will do like i did this rant making fun of cubs fans versus white socks fans and the reason why i did it was because recently chicago had beaten a boston team and all i wanted to do was cause infighting okay i didn't believe a

49:22fucking word of it and i and i went on this whole thing and then i paused and in the end i said i'm just fucking with you guys i'm just mad because blah blah blah they lopped that part off and now it's just this standalone piece that i'm shitting all over cubs fans and i'm defending white socks fans and what was funny was i took a wild guess and i actually people like dude this is like fucking dead on this is exactly the way it is it's like i didn't know that but but the the point of it is is that they went up there and they they deliberately lopped off the thing where i say it's just a joke so so there's that and i got a special this friday man you really tried to fucking be interested in that dumb story for the whole time you just all you had there was just went that's a story bill i don't know where to go with that man no i'm thinking

50:11about this culture of trying to catch people doing things like that and you know and get upset at them especially when it's clearly a joke man i had a whole bit in my act about the difference between jokes that you say on stage like being in court and giving a fucking affidavit like i i was i have a whole bit in my last special about lying i'm like i lie on stage all the time like if you watch any of my act and you go i don't i'm i don't see things the way this guy i don't either i don't see these things the way i see i'm talking about yeah i'm fucking around yeah i'll say shit that i don't believe in if it's funny and that's i think part of what chris rock was saying is that people are just getting offended yeah i don't think and i don't think comics i don't think comics should apologize unless they

50:49actually meant it in the malicious way that the person took it like if you you know you can go on stage in a bad mood and you can deliberately get in someone can heckle you or do something and then you get mad you deliberately try to fucking piss them off and uh you know you might owe somebody an apology then but you don't have to go on tv and fucking apologize to the country people are doing it because they're scared they don't want to lose their careers then they they also they people have demanded an apology you have upset this community you can kind of say whatever you want that's not true you know you have a career so what are you talking about i have a great i have a stand-up career but the thing is as of yet i do not have a tv show once you have the tv show you're better off without it that's when better off without it fuck you you wait till this animated show that i'm

51:35doing comes out dude you wait you wait well you're doing great stand-up though yeah i know i'm not saying i'm not i'm just saying but the animated thing was the perfect way to go into tv because you can get away with anything yeah because you can you're not going to offend anybody with these animated people like is what what message is this going to send to animated children you know what i mean what about all the three-fingered fucking yellow-headed people out there what are they gonna what are they gonna think that i just piss off asians no you got hurt in a yellow-headed as long as they're like square heads like yeah i was thinking simpsons now someone will lop will cut it off there and just really yeah what are you gonna do you you're always whenever you're saying anything on stage it's controversial you're always going to open yourself

52:24up to opportunistic people that just want clickbait there's no such thing as controversy in in stand-up comedy there's no such thing it is it is manufactured controversy it's all complete horseshit it's one person in the crowd the amount of times that they've showed clips of comics who said something controversial you literally hear the crowd laughing on the fucking tape everybody's laughing taking it as a joke and one fucking person and then you know and then you just take it out of context which is out of the comedy club i mean i'm trying to think of a joke any of my jokes that i could do on the news that wouldn't seem like you know i'm doing this bit about isis and how they're not a threat and i'd like to see him try to invade florida where silences are legal and see how far they fucking get now that's

53:06silly and ridiculous and funny in a comedy club you then put that on fox news bill burr says isis is not real and we're not over there to get these people afraid of well what about the soldiers when we return the controversial tape will be played what about the soldiers that died we have a soldier here from florida that actually confronted isis when we return he listens to what bill said and then after that show nancy grace will pick it up on the next hour bill burr the stand-up comedian you might have seen him on such shows as breaking bad bad i'm gonna go out on a limb and say she's a hot shit if you went out and drank with her do you think so she would just laugh yeah it's a fucking show do you think she's just being well she was a prosecutor you know how much my face hurts to pretend to be that mad every episode i love coming out here and smoking a little weed and fucking getting to relax my

54:02eyebrows i eat twinkies i really i get foot massages no i think she would be fun as hell to hang out with and just actually get into an argument with it's just uh she makes unfortunate faces on tv i think she's probably exactly like she comes off on tv i bet that's her um nah dude you're telling me right now you me and nancy grace driving to vegas we wouldn't be laughing our fucking asses off you and i would be laughing our asses off but it'd probably get ugly with her pretty quick we would i i would by the inland empire she would loosen up you think so yeah we'd shut off our cell phones you're not being recorded just fucking i was held hostage by profanity farts outrageous comedy that's the show she'd do but she'd have a good time over they ear rape me for four hours now this is what you do like nancy

54:55what fucking guest what's the worst guest you ever had that you just wanted to reach through the screen and punch him in the face and then she'd be telling a funny story and then we'd be in that's it we'd be in you'd ask her about the duke duke lacrosse case whether she was unfairly accusing them of something they didn't do i don't watch the show i don't watch the show what's funny about her is she looks like ozzy osbourne in like 1985 during the ultimate centaur like when she wears the black eyeliner sometimes i literally a better looking ozzy of course well a more dainty ozzy less feminine more bruce jenner-esque less hard road yes ozzy america in trouble the youth of today today you know i saw something i don't know why this reminded me of oh i think shaving down your adam's apple as i was thinking of i actually uh i don't know

55:49sometime i started talking about torture or some shit on one of my podcasts and someone was showing the devices you know the rack the rack where they would they put you on they tie your legs and they would crank it okay and these guys did an experiment was what gave way was it your tendons or whatever you know what it was they actually discovered it was the bone oh god bone fucking broke or pulled away they they put like it was the creepiest thing ever where they were just like this is a pig's ankle which is the closest to a human's ankle at which point you're sitting at home going okay like if they said it was a yak like i would argue i have no fucking idea so they put this thing on there and they start they tied this little hoof with part of its knee saying it was just as much like the knee you got to see this thing and they start cranking this thing and you're hearing it

56:35every time it gave way you heard a noise they would do an x-ray and you know these fucking scientists are so oh this is interesting this is interesting the patella is still there and the as you see the medial cartil fucking whatever the hell ligament but what we're seeing is we're seeing a stress in the actual femur which would be a femur and they fucking kept doing it and what what gave way it was i guess i and it was the slowness of it that made the bone break and not the fucking tendons where if you just get hit quick or something like that the tennis i you know i'm so fucking stupid i can't remember what they came conclusion with but it actually broke your fucking bones oh it's amazing what inventions people came up with just to fuck you up more like to make you more in pain while they were killing you that's the two things that i've ever seen there's very few

57:23actually maybe cats monkeys and human beings i thought you're gonna say the musical cats the most it was breaking my bones the most sadistic oh like cats the way they catch a mouse and then fucking let the thing get away and then get it again and give it hope and take it away like you get the death penalty that's like somebody begging for their fucking life right yeah i saw this video one time this chimpanzee like you know basically in the last 10 12 years they've discovered that like chimpanzees like the occasional steak and want to eat another monkey because they thought that they were vegetarians so this fucking monkey trapped this small it's chimpanzee trapped this smaller one and he's basically standing on the fucking thing up in a tree and rather than just snapping its fucking neck it's taking its finger and its thumb and just digging flesh out of its fucking back and eating it as the

58:10monkey is underneath it just screaming yeah bloody fucking murder and you just sit and i've dude if i had a gun i would have blown that thing's fucking brains out just out of principle i've seen that i've seen that right yeah i've seen that video i've seen a bunch of those videos with chimps they they like to eat fucking hate chimpanzees you should they're scary animals they definitely should be respected but they like to eat the organs first they eat them while they're alive they just grab the apparently the organs the most delicious part to them so while they're holding on to the monkeys they're not trying to kill them first they're just trying to go right to the guts and start eating oh dude it's just getting back so you get back to the rack like how could you the fucking agony you're putting somebody through i couldn't do that i couldn't do that to somebody don't you think it

58:59was that was during the time when first of all people died like way way quicker like people didn't live very long they lived to be like if you were lucky you got 50 years in holy shit that guy lived to be 50 most people the infant mortality rate was really high they were constantly at war war was at close range so war involved like swords and arrows and you think about shots yeah the kind of fuck catapults fucking flaming bodies you know they used to literally light bodies on fire because human fat is like a good way of uh lighting buildings on fire because it's so disgusting so when they would light us on fire they would light human bodies on fire and launch them in catapults would they at least kill them first yeah probably maybe i don't know whatever they wanted to do it's a very green way to attack somebody i'm sure people

59:49well when people were doing that what you were saying were they just going to use all the fucking fuel they'll figure out a way to just have no waste we use the waste and it becomes fuel but that kind of life where you're you know you're subject to violence and and brutality on a regular basis but were they was that like the movies well the movies they only show the wars they don't just show it when they're hanging out playing like a flute you know what i think there's probably a lot of war going on pretty much all throughout human history i just feel like you could hide so much easier back there in the woods yeah you just run into the woods yeah there's you hear them coming yes you hear the floor fucking moving here come the horses back there you have to figure out a way to get away from the wolves yeah but you weren't going down to whole foods you were hunting your own food you were

60:34self-sufficient right but you had to have your bow and arrow and all that stuff you like to be close to town have a fucking blacksmith nearby like when you're out there in the woods by yourself it's probably pretty pretty hard scrabble life no house absolutely but you know something anything that's going to kill at you kill it kill you i was thinking shoot at you and kill you kill it you anything that's going to kill you out there it's just it's going to be all quick like a dude if a mountain lion ever fucking ran at me i'd fucking just give him the neck just get it over with dude i've gotten scratched by a fucking house cat you think i want to fucking fuck with you goddamn 140 pound cat and proportionate like they're they're as far as like the strongest house cats or the strongest cats it's house cats are some of the strongest pound for

61:19pound and mountain lions like right up there with them stronger even than like some other cats that are terrifying no they fight off bears according to my youtube video watching they do they definitely hey who's doing all the animal shit now is it animal planet is that why discovery just went all cars like they don't fucking do anything anymore discovery yeah they don't do any animals anymore well there's a lot of shows like tlc used to be the learning channel what do they do now reality that's all reality that's a history channel that's tlc is honey boo boo you know what happened history channel is they they just ran out of war footage they just really just got we got nothing and then they had to show like nothing is interesting to anybody anymore unless there's footage like i hated when they would do like even like some of the civil war shit they would have to reenact it

62:03because before remember when we were kids they would just have drawings of it and they would sort of pan the camera across from it and it would put you to sleep yeah and then world war ii was the shit because they were just showing planes getting shot down and all that you know it's like a movie they had history channel had like a lot of nazi shows they had a bunch of those and then i think after a while they just realized there's more money in idiots there's more money in just reality tv it's just after a certain point in time they become a network well i mean what i think happened was a bunch of people were watching reality and weren't watching their shows on the rise of the third arc reich whatever and the night of the long knives or whatever the fuck then just no one cared anymore and they're just like all right if that's what you want they have shit on like ancient aliens

62:44like they have uh i mean they have how many episodes of ancient aliens have they done i i totally believe in aliens but i don't think anybody has figured out a way to travel from planet to planet really and actually live i think it's possible but i think they're way too invested i think eventually we could figure it out but we're going to destroy each other first and i think everything kind of you destroy yourselves that's god's i think fucking checks and balances all right i made this thing smart enough to figure out how to get over to this other pod of people that i made but they got jealousy and envy and i want credit and i want to produce your credit on your fucking rocket ship and all that shit and like they're all gonna destroy each other first like we'll destroy each before we figure even how to get to fucking mars on a bicycle what are you gonna do first of all

63:33how do you how do you have enough air to get there air like in the like oxygen of like something that generates oxygen you'd have to have something that processes carbon dioxide generates oxygen the harder thing would be you could you could probably do that but that thing's gonna last so i guess the question is well plants do that right is that what plants do but that's gonna last all the way to mars six months it's gotta last six months yeah i don't know you think it takes six months to get to mars i think that's what they're saying i think they're saying it takes six months no it doesn't i mean think about how far the moon is the moon it took like seven days you know all this shit no it takes six months to get to mars it does not how long do you think it'll take fucking years no i'm pretty sure it's six months let's see uh how many months to get to mars

64:22he's got a creepy tone right now i'm pretty sure it's six months i could be wrong two that was very self-deprecating it's possible um precise six to eight months because mars and earth's orbits are perfectly circular but that's like just a drone though to actually get a person no no for this is for a person this is for a person they're talking about the uh man space travel to mars mission where they're actually gonna have to stay there which is really fucked up these people are gonna it's gonna take uh about six months to get there dude you realize the fucking balls that that takes unbelievable i'm going to another fucking planet forever and what once you break the earth's gravitational pull what is stopping you from missing mars when that fucker comes around calculations i know that but i'm saying if those things are off yeah they never are though jerry speed up speed up you're gonna miss it

65:21can you go buy it now you're heading towards fucking what's the next one saturn jupiter they're pretty good at figuring out mercury venus earth mars jupiter saturn yeah neptune uranus uranus pluto it's not a fucking planet anymore they're bringing it back though right no where'd you hear that i heard recently that they're considering bringing it back as a planet did you hear that or did you actually read that on a website this is how they should promote that they should have like the when they bring pluto back they should have the scientists dressed in like bell bottoms and shit with like the fucking travolta thing you know like they're bringing back like disco assumption oh god no no we're bringing it back we're bringing it back come on man like i was i thought you were gonna say they're dressed up like pluto no that's two on the fucking nose two on the nose

66:11you know what i hate you know what i hate in a in a joke writer room is like that's a hat on a hat that's a hat on a hat when you have like a joke within a joke right like it's like say whatever the joke is you fall off the fucking chair and then you want to add another layer to it they go that's that's a hat on a hat and it's just like so what if it's still but they don't understand like taglines if it's still funny if it's funny still it's funny but if it's not funny it's not funny no if you have a hat on a hat how come i can't look at the other fucking hat the next time i watch it because i didn't even notice it if you have a hat on the hat and the hat's funny it's funny that's what i think yeah i think funny like they're acting like funny plus funny equals not funny i think how does that how does that work i think that's just a lack of it's just a the the different mentality that a comic has

66:58versus there's definitely like a place you can go where it's not funny anymore or you've added too many jokes or you ruin the original joke but i think uh writers have a different perspective you know granted they write for a living and i don't so yeah but they're i just think their perspective is a scene as opposed to your perspective which is like stand-up you know looking at it stand-up wise no i'm looking at it i'm looking at it like this is gonna yeah i just think it's fucking funny yeah i think as many layers as you can add to it it just keeps getting funnier and then if people don't even get it that's fucking funny like why would you even sit there why would you fucking sit there and make that goddamn rule i mean i guess you know i'm going against all these successful shows so whatever yeah i just think there's a different style of writing too don't you think there's a different style the way

67:47like you write for stand-up and the way you write or you would write for a television show it's just a different kind of writing i barely know what i'm talking about ever so um i just maybe i'm just frustrated pitching jokes and then somebody going that's a hat on a hat i'd like a hat on a hat well see that's why i'm telling you a guy like you your best shit is you just being you without anybody that you have to pitch it to because you know you have a very a year from now when i show up with the six episodes of f is for funny i think you're gonna you're gonna have yeah but you're talking about a cartoon i'm always 100% for cartoons don't you belittle my fucking show i love it animated whatever you call it it's a cartoon like if you look at like the most innovative dangerous comedy on tv ever it's south park because they can get away with anything ah dude those guys

68:38they've done the best social commentary for like 17 years they don't get the credit they deserve yeah not even close they're animals they're the best and they're they're so innovative they're just constantly coming up with new shit like every week the genius is the for their social commentary is because how simplistic the animation is yeah that those guys are like but they can just churn them out but like how finished and polished it is yeah as a brand new joke coming right out of the gate the first time they air it where they just they just fucking nail it yeah um i think it's gonna you know they're for whatever reason i feel like they're gonna have to do it for 30 years and then tell people that they're leaving before they're finally gonna just acknowledge you know they're gonna get the fucking mark twain award and all that stupid shit that you're supposed to get well they get acknowledgement

69:30just by everybody loving them i mean their show is they they have pretty much total autonomy over at comedy central they kind of get away with whatever they want i mean they can they can pull off shit on their show that no one could ever pull off on another show i just don't think people give them enough credit yeah i'm not gonna change that argument show i'm with you i don't think they give them enough credit either but either way they can do so much because it's a cartoon and their characters never get old they don't have to worry about their character like jj from good times that shit wouldn't have been funny if he was 80 you know yeah their stuff is dynamite will you shut the fuck up like what are you talking about yeah no the uh jj from good times where did i pull that one out of my well now that you brought up south park i don't think it's gonna be that funny but i think it's gonna be amusing

70:15it's gonna be a music show your show yes what's it based on uh childhood stories oh your childhood stories yeah well basically everybody in the writer's room at that point oh so i just got sick of people groaning about my childhood stories comedy i was like well what if i fucking animate them now what are you gonna groan at huh wow that animated animated yeah it's fucking annoying why are you going to indianapolis bill it's no it's fucking annoying that should be a t-shirt that you sell i know i watched that that story that you told last time you were on the podcast about the guy next to you on the airplane oh yeah questioning you about going to indianapolis i watched that my most one of the most fun i ever had on a flight was when he said i'm gonna push this button and as we're taxiing down um taxiing over to where we're gonna take off and i was i was just all right let's let's see what happens and he was sitting there

71:09reaching for the fucking thing and i'm just sitting there all right let's see let's see what happens go ahead push the button so this um this animated show that you wrote who did you uh do it with did you do it all by yourself or did you bring it to somebody no i did it with uh mike price from the simpsons oh great yeah who's just a fucking force and he put up he put together this murderer's row of uh a writing room and um and then the produce the production company is uh um wild west which is vince vaughn's company and that's how the whole thing like i was just gonna make little five minute vignettes and um put them on my website and then uh i don't know i don't know what happened i i steve byrne i opened for him or something like that we were working together or some shit and vince was there saw my act wanted to see me uh hey come in and take a general and i had no idea no ideas no nothing and it was i just took a general

72:04like we like you if you ever have anything you know took a general meeting yeah yeah yeah general meeting yeah and i was just walking out and as i walked out i was like you know i kind of got this idea for a cartoon and they wanted to do one they wait a minute let me sit down and three fucking years later wow we are one year away from it coming out i mean it just works slowly slowly and the the what is the hardest part about it nobody was nobody wanted the idea and everything and the whole thing was dead in the water and then vince was the guy who was like let's go over to netflix and you know that guy's an ammo man he's in there in the fucking pitch meeting selling this fucking thing and and then netflix was like ridiculously supported they're like you know do whatever you want netflix is doing some wild shit push it further push it further yeah do you see the ad for uh marco polo marco polo is a new series that uh

72:54that netflix is doing on marco polo and gingas khan it's like this huge fucking epic series that they're doing so they have that orange is the new black they're doing stand-up comedy specials like they're becoming like a real legitimate network right before our eyes they're beyond that yeah because they're international and they are so ahead of the game that all you're gonna see is just people trying to rip off their business model is what's gonna happen uh you know it's the usual thing like what are these guys doing oh they're not gonna fucking blah blah blah and all of a sudden okay all right and then then the next thing you know you become the person yeah and then everybody's like oh that's the way you do it monkey see monkey do and then I just think people will try to rip off what they're gonna do but they they're at the uh you know they're on point so yeah so they're cutting their way through the jungle so they're still gonna be

73:45out in front of everybody so I think it's gonna be very hard for uh I don't know maybe the fourth person who tries to rip it off there might be room for two other people to try to rip off what they're doing you know what I mean and then you have like three like ABC NBC CBS of international television well what they're doing that's unique is that they're taking the money and they're making their own shit that's the big thing they've been doing it for a while I did my comedy special with them in 2005 that was originally on Netflix and then it got sold to Showtime but they were even back then I mean that's nine fucking years ago they were taking chances and funding comedy specials and now they're doing real originals that Kevin Spacey show that um House of Cards House of Cards you know they're doing Jack Horseman animated show that's been killing it um and your show they're doing a lot of Chelsea Peretti her stand up is on Netflix her new show

74:38um I think um Chelsea Handler doesn't she have like a whole series she has a talk show yeah she left her talk show as far as I know on uh E I think it was on E to go do a talk show on Netflix left the E network yeah to go to Netflix that's like that would not she I mean I don't want to speak for her but I don't think that move gets made two three years ago no it shows you how quickly it changes yeah it's changing wait a minute but I'm on I'm on television she's got so much fucking money though she probably doesn't give a fuck you know I mean can you make that much money on E oh yeah she's got a lot of money man oh yeah Howard Stern is a young she's a very well she's also it's not just that it's books she sold a lot of books you know she's in that stage too where she has like this giant amount of fans that could just follow her anywhere she goes yeah I don't know how that works I don't get like how do you like how do you have a TV show

75:36and write a fucking book I don't know and do stand up constantly yeah I mean she does she does a lot of shit she's just constantly working yeah that's I mean I'm never gonna be that busy I couldn't handle that yeah I'm too busy right now I think there's a certain level of busy where you just like you can coast you can like keep it keep the fire burning at the certain temperature certain RPMs but it goes up and down when it goes up I would think just having a TV show and trying to keep that thing on the rails and have just prevent someone from coming in and fucking it up yeah would be would be hard enough that's a big thing preventing someone from coming in and fucking it up right because that's a real issue someone could definitely come in and fuck it up yeah because they want credit yeah they got you have to implement something that I said and again that's all negative shit I want to get to that I had a good time trying to

76:31whitewash all that no no that hasn't happened to me hasn't happened to me but I just I don't want to get into it's our old fucking conversation that uh yeah everybody knows it that's what that happens in every fucking business you know look at the geek squad that was a great thing and then Best Buy was like how dare you make money without us and then they fucking absorbed it nobody uses this shit anymore what was the geek squad before Best Buy it was just a bunch of nerds who would fucking it's like Uber they said they were running around fixing your computers and they dressed like nerds like with the black ties and the white fucking short sleeve shirt and then they bought them and I've never seen it was cool they showed up it was funny they were like embracing being nerds this was like 10 years ago they had the half of them had fucking glasses and they came over and they just fixed your shit and it kind of had like this spy vibe to it

77:13geek squad and they showed up dressed like nerds but also kind of like a little Pulp Fiction-esque except without the jacket and it was uh it was fucking cool I wasn't aware of them back then yeah and then they drove around in little beetles yeah you were aware of them oh yeah before Best Buy bought them yeah maybe I wasn't I forgot I could use them right now my fucking laptop died what happened do you use a Mac laptop or are you one of those guys that hates Apple what happened I got frustrated honestly I got frustrated and I slammed it shut was it an Apple laptop or a Windows laptop Apple see I would think you might be one of those guys that goes you know what I'm fucking sick of all this Apple shit everybody uses Apple I'm gonna go Windows I can see you being that guy no what I do is I just I keep computers forever and I keep iPhones forever I'm always at least two numbers behind whatever everybody else has why do you do that because

78:06when I say hello the person can hear me what does that mean it means it means I don't need a new fucking phone oh okay so it's fine I can already take video I don't even need I want you to gaze Bill at this glorious screen look how beautiful look how big that stupid ass fucking thing is oh how dare you first of all first of all first of all how dare you second of all the camera on this thing is fucking substantial dude you gotta see the new camera on the iPhone 6 that's what I'm saying when I point that at my dick dude you can see the fucking helmet it's a great god damn picture the picture of Joey Diaz it's a great god damn picture it's too clear it's fantastically clear look how good that is yeah it's huge Joey does not look like that in real life technology has gone beyond what you've seen but young Bill Burr he does look like that huh he does look like that I'm just you're looking at him at a little tiny four inch

79:03I'm not going to try to talk you out of your phone you obviously love it good for you I'm happy for you how dare you you made me feel bad about my purchase I'm happy for you Bill I remember a couple years ago you were still using MapQuest do you still use MapQuest or do you no I use the one that's on that thing but the the one that's on your phone you mean you know what I hate I hate like the fucking recycled jokes on the internet and people like someone would be like was this film with a potato for like the nine millionth time you're going to write that and be like can you just pick a different vegetable can you try to a little bit original I do not believe I've ever heard someone ask you I know you have this is film with a potato yeah it's fucking it's like this recycled wait what like those wait what like those hacky fucking Twitter jokes said no one ever it's like these fucking it's like mad libs that's true said no one ever

79:52is pretty common but effective if used properly like I reserve the right to use said no one ever if I fucking have to if it's right there I gotta admit I would I would definitely you drop a few notches I would drop a few notches in your estimation I'm looking to drop a few notches from the stratosphere that I have you in I like to build myself back up I like to fail a little nah once you drop a certain point you're dead to me well if you said I'll take that into consideration if you said wait wait what wait what and said no one ever within two hours if I got two of those tweets from you I would well when people say really stupid shit I just don't like hacky comedy including all the people who are now going to watch this and then tweet that to me and they just think it's absolutely fucking genius and not realize that like 9,000 people had the exact same idea the water cooler jokes you know those fucking just right yeah you know me

80:48you know about the shit that Colin Quinn makes fun of those fucking hacks Colin Quinn he's the best at it because people don't even know he's joking like you know like one of the beautiful things about knowing Colin and then knowing his tweets is that some people are reading his tweets and they might not get it at all they might think do you remember the Colin Quinn show he had on NBC he had one of the greatest fucking sketches and it was it was so much fun it was like office humor and I remember Bobby Kelly's was the funniest one it was the high five guy at the office and Bobby just comes walking by and he's just like dude got that new jet ski and he fucking and he like just puts his hand up and you have to high five and fuck even the way he high fived was hilarious mine was somehow I went up to Greer Barnes not Greer Barnes I went up to Godfrey and said some really white shit to him as Greer Barnes was standing there

81:38delivering a package like dude I took a recommendation something like Godfrey Godfrey Park was hilarious some really stupid white movie and then Greer's sitting there looking at Godfrey like he's a fucking salad or whatever I'm totally butchering this but it just totally tapped into like when you work in those fucking offices the amount of like there's like six jokes and they all just keep telling them that was in not like those are the only jokes but there's like six jokes that you can just always get count on you can count up for a laugh that was on NBC right for how many episodes did Colin's show last it was sort of first season right only one season like six episodes yeah a lot of people were liking it it was like what tough it was just on the Raw Network it was what what tough crowd became because he also had this thing where Patrice and Norton and all them would be sitting down and just in different areas it was actually shot really cool

82:30and they would just be talking about Topper so he had like a live thing he had these sketches thing it was a fucking great show it was a great show he's a funny dude man when I did tough crowd I got to see him warm the crowd up you know he does stand up before it and I was like I forgot how fucking funny Colin Quinn is he's really fucking funny really good yeah the best was when he first got on Twitter if you followed him early and nobody knew what the fuck he was doing are you doing gang signs over there oh no I was doing three episodes it looked like three episodes when he first got on Twitter and so many people didn't know what he was doing it was so fucking funny they still don't everyday people still don't but he's like you know Zeppelin's such an underrated band it's just a shame they never had a hit he would do that and people are like what the fuck it was like all capitals when you do that you're trolling dumb high school kids I don't know

83:22I think a lot of adults were falling for that too when he would talk about how famous he is and how who the fuck somebody stepped down in something I don't know he's always good for a fucking he's a funny fucking comic man yeah watching him do stand up you really get to appreciate it I think even live he's one of those guys you really want to see live like when you see him like even in film it's like you're missing something you're missing some half of the canard yeah yeah he's amazing that show should have never been cancelled if they're smart they'd bring back Tough Crowd Tough Crowd was a fucking great idea it was a great show speaking of that how weird is it there's two shows that have come back the comeback came back Lisa Kudrow yeah which was a great show it was just sort of ahead of it's time but the weirdest fucking thing I ever saw was when Arsenio show came back yeah dude he came back with the same fucking haircut he maybe looked

84:1810 days older and then had the same guests and it was just and it was like 20 years never went by it was it was like it was only one of the few times I ever wish that I did like hallucinogens because I was just like this is it was blowing my mind it blew my fucking mind he had I think he had like Dyson or Eddie or somebody and it was just like I felt like I was like 24 again and I was just starting out as a comic when I used to watch it going if I get to do stand up on this how am I gonna how am I gonna navigate how am I gonna cross over to this crowd and you know I don't know it was just bizarre they took over his social media accounts when they did that show like he's Arsenio why because he was being too edgy no no that's what they do that's what they do now on a lot of shows they demand to take over your social media and they start tweeting for you how crazy is that that's like he told me that signing over power of attorney in like a cyberspace kind of way exactly

85:20they're like signing their name your name he was trying to get his Facebook back and his Twitter back and I was like what he was telling me he was telling me this at the ice house and I was like you gotta be fucking kidding me they made you he goes I didn't want to initially but I said you know what I'm gonna be so busy with the show fuck it let them do it now I'm trying to get it back I'm like oh my god they just take over your account yeah but if you let them you just say no exactly but you gotta be willing to say no and it might be a deal breaker he's Arsenio go fuck yourself you guys came to me yeah but they you know if they're thinking people wanna they wanna be ball players you know hey we're willing to work with you we wanna make the show a hit no I think that's a sue thing they don't wanna get sued by you saying something fucking nuts and then if you read the guy's interviews Arsenio's interviews are always great cause he doesn't give a shit

86:13and he just kinda says what he's saying so they're looking at like does he yes says wild shit yeah well I mean I just he's honest which does not work when you gotta sell toothpaste and fucking cars and all that shit in between the comedy so I think that that's that's why look having never gotten a show on the air Joe this is what I feel is going on behind the scenes well McGuire you know Chris McGuire was the head writer oh on yeah he was the head writer over there so he you know he told me it was a struggle from the beginning but it was also that they were trying to do the same show they were trying to do the exact same show that they did in the 1990s which is really strange cause Arsenio's a likable guy I mean people love him it seems like if you found the right vehicle for him he would be a great talk show host people he's a genuinely friendly likable guy yeah I mean like I said it was it looked like the exact same fucking show and I felt like did I just like

87:10miss that this thing was still going on and then he had all these guests from back then I think that that like I think the whole thing could have I don't know I don't know I just want I just saw when I would put it on when it first started maybe he just did that the first week uh no no he kept doing it he kept doing it yeah they kind of that's what they did I mean it might have altered a little bit but that was essentially a show it's hard to do those fucking shows man I could never I could never host a talk show no fucking way you don't get to choose your guests you know like people equate a podcast to a talk show sometimes but the thing about a podcast is you know I like you like I want I wanted to talk to you today I texted you I like you man but you know what I'm saying like I don't have to pretend it's like if you were some guy that I didn't know that was in here that was pitching something I didn't give a fuck about but the network oh now my

88:03stories are dying and then you gotta save them oh those are the worst right someone would have to jump in well I feel bad for when I see a talk show host and has a guest where they're off or their stories aren't working because you see them you see them like glancing down at the card and they gotta like well Letterman's the best at that they gotta because they'll just openly mock the situation they'll just openly mock you if it goes wrong like that I know oh but that's a hard thing he'll just let you sit in it going okay yeah do you remember Bill Hicks bit on Leno oh the Dorito thing yeah well the whole thing about having Joey Lawrence on the show and asking Joey Lawrence if he has a girlfriend oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you know and Joey says no well yes well she thinks so he pulls a gun out of his drawer and fucking blows his brains out and his brains splatter on the wall in the form of an NBC peacock because he's a company man to the bitter end Jesus dude that was

89:06word for word no I did I forgot all the part about him changing clips oh yeah he pulls out an Uzi and he sucks out an Uzi and he's spraying bullets through his head and he changes clips what do you want it's a fucking hard gig Leno loves doing that show that he does now because of that he does that car show online Jay's Garage I go on that all the time it's fucking great this fucking car collection is insane it's insane and it's all like he's got great taste in cars and he's got these fucking cars those ones where he's got two shifters and he's got goggles on and stuff but he had one a car recently I got obsessed with it if you want to look it up it was an early 70s Datsun I think 510 and they're just the coolest fucking cars if you if you put a new engine in the suspension and everything because it's like the classic American sedan but the miniature Asian version of him and let's see can you get a picture of it before I stammer into a fucking complete black hole here on this thing that's the car

90:18that's such a fucking badass car man oh so they did like a resto mod version of an old it's an old Datsun it's like a Datsun 510 or something like that dude it's got that little fucking the hearse shifter on it man it just looks so much fucking fun to drive because my brother had a the smoothest shifting car I ever drove he had like an 81 Toyota Tercel and when you were changing gears in that fucking it just was like butter and it was this piece of shit and it was I just couldn't understand that was a really bad time for American cars where they were deliberately making them to shit the bed at 60,000 miles so you would get this perpetual car payment at least that's the conspiracy theory of it and all of these fucking Toyota cars that dude remember that when they started coming out and the speedometer only went up to 80 miles an hour yeah and everything they didn't want you to speed and all the gas crisis and all that and the Mustang became the Mustang 2 yeah it became a car

91:11like Farrah Fawcett drove on Charlie's Angels it was such a hunk of shit it went from being one of the most badass American muscle cars ever to just a total plastic shitty shape ugly they made them ugly too within like five to seven years it became just an absolute and all of there was so many of those held over like muscle car names that just became like a shell of themselves like the Cougar ended up becoming this big fat ass fucking two door like sedan like was sort of the poor man's like Lincoln Continental or something but whatever but his collection of cars is just fucking incredible and just his knowledge of him it's really cool well he's really passionate about it it just shows you when you get a guy doing something that he actually likes to do like Jay Leno loves cars it becomes an amazing show when you have him host a tonight show you're like he doesn't give a fuck about Joey Lawrence's TV show he doesn't I always looked at it like he's trying to he's you know

92:12he's making some money and he's gonna go buy some cars now when I was a younger comic I used to judge him and be like oh he's fucking boos you know back when I thought I should be wearing a leather jacket on stage you know like I was saying anything but now that I've gotten older I'm like nah fuck he's doing his show the way he wants to do his show and then he wants to go buy some cars yeah he wanted to make some money made some money apparently the word has always been that he doesn't even spend his tonight show money that he spends only his stand up comedy money that's where he gets all everything and then the tonight show money all just went into the bank can you imagine the dollar collapses poor bastard you got all that money like I don't understand having that all in the bank when your account is insured up to like fucking two three hundred grand yeah it's not smart and then it's also it is until it isn't well who knows what all in the

92:59bank means though you might have investments you might have put it in bonds and mutuals and all that shit dude you gotta convert it to what into cash gold stuff it in your fucking walls and then just some of it in gold and then you just gotta pray dude having all of that fucking money and trying to not what was that book you read when you were in like fifth grade about the guy who catches the big fish and then he's bringing it into this into inland and all those fish are taking a bite out of it and by the end he's just left with the skeleton that's what it's like having a ton of fucking cash everybody's just gonna fucking descend on you you know you're counting bills all of a sudden two plus two equals four is way much fucking more difficult they gotta charge you nine million dollars more for your fucking taxes why why because i have it you know what i mean yeah that's what they do and all of a sudden everything becomes a big fucking problem

93:51so you just advocate spending it all as soon as it comes in i advocate getting to a certain level of success getting a machete in a pit bull and sitting on your cash you have it right laid out in the living room you just sit on a mound of it you order food and have it delivered and have it delivered you never leave peel bills off the pile i have no i have no i no uh my my uh whatever investment portfolio society going to shit my uh my plan is i just embrace the fact that you can only kill me once that's it i'm going i'm i'm i'm not gonna survive that you hope but what if it's like groundhog day keep dying like that new tom cruise movie the edge of tomorrow he dies over and over spoiler alert well then i would just get a gun and then i would just walk around like this and i wait for the awful death to come and then i go like that over i like how you thought this through over make a lot of really good points you know i learned

94:51it buying it buying an old house yeah oh you gonna be the guy who lays in a shallow grave and waits for people to attack your food supply and then you sit up like a zombie me no i'll be more clever than that i'll probably set up a fake civilization and then be outside of that civilization the real civilization like so people come into raid and then fucking launch down on them these are just words fire what i'm saying yeah it's just words listen i i've planned this out no if if the shit hits the fan i hope i'm where the fan explodes that's what i think too yeah like if yellowstone blows and we wind up living in some sort of a perpetual nuclear winter for the next hundred years i hope the lava lands on my fucking head i don't want to be one of those absolutely hardscrabble people out there in antarctica trying to eat seals and stay alive nope reinvent the wheel no i don't fuck that i because what you're gonna do then what

95:44are you gonna do yeah that's like civilization went through a divorce right and they're the guy that gets like the flop house you know what i mean like you're just you're just you're just gonna you're never gonna build it back up in your lifetime so why not leave with a flat screen tv watching mma shit whatever you want to fucking watch and then the i still a bit about that just when that korean that little fatty there over in korea was talking about how he's gonna shoot a fucking warhead and i was nervous until he said la and i was like perfect dude right at my fucking giant forehead i don't even want i don't even want to know just hear that whistling sound like what is that somebody watching bugs bunny what is that whistling sound and then it just fucking lands right on my house and then that's it yeah you don't want to be the guy who barely survives and has kids and then dies where your kids are like standing over

96:34you and they're eight and you know they can't live on their own you're you're fucking you're dying in front of their eyes like you don't want to be that guy and you don't you also have to take into consideration that even if the human race survives eventually it won't whether it's a million or a billion years from now eventually the earth will no longer be able to sustain life because the sun will burn out so like well that's not going to last forever I'm just talking about like some our lifetime if some bullshit happens I don't want to go back into the world where like boils and shit and warts on the end of your nose are an issue now because there's no more CVS's and shit whatever the Benadryl or crap you'd put on it and then everybody starts looking like a witch like they live under a fucking bridge who the fuck do you know that's ever gotten a wart on their nose no what I'm saying oh back in the day so CVS keeps us from

97:25getting warts on the nose yeah that's another quote they're gonna take out of yours is gone compound W is gone dollar collapses and all of that shit everything stops being made it's done then your best bet is you fucking go down to CVS and you raid all those drugs that's what you do when you take some bread and you leave right you just start pouring them in between the pieces of bread and you fucking eat them like a Captain Crunch sandwich and uh all the drugs in uh breakfast club yeah I don't think that's a good idea either none of them's a good idea nobody has a good idea the only people who are okay would be if you joined Blackwater where they actually have like a fortress they're the ones who are really ready my favorite one is when you watch those doomsday preppers and they're basically reading through their playbook that's how I had that shallow grave like this guy was what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna surrender my property and let

98:14them infiltrate it and then I'll fucking come around and he's like showing like where he's gonna hide and then he's gonna be on a spring like one of those Murphy beds he rises up no the craftmatic the craftmatic you bring your legs and you know it's too slow you wanna be on one of those Murphy beds where it pops up oh well you're faking dead so they don't see you in the background it's just slowly it's just slowly coming up you just poing you know those beds you push them those three stooges beds they go right up to the ceiling yeah people get stuck in them and they get pinned against the wall they're called Murphy beds right yeah they used to that was a popular thing to save space Laverne and Shirley oh those things would fucking people would get you'd probably break your fucking I bet somebody broke their fucking neck in one of those I bet I bet people have died the most bizarre ways yeah I don't know listen buddy it's almost a quarter

99:05to four you gotta get out of here yeah where you going I'm going home wait why you going home Bill I'm gonna I'm gonna beat the traffic where you going to Indianapolis Bill try to beat the traffic try to try to eat healthy so come down and do your show tonight alright so Bill Burr will be at the comedy store tonight Bill Burr special will be on Netflix this Friday December 5th what's it called again I'm sorry you feel that way the fucking the previews look awesome and I like the fact that you did it in black and white you silly bitch yeah you're going old school next one you should do with smoke signals just no no more no more film I don't I don't like HDTV I just don't like it it's too fucking clear you don't need it you do whatever the fuck you want it's your artistic opinion I already know how I'm gonna film the next one too and you will probably tell me once this is over probably in your own little passive aggressive way I have the iPhone 6

99:56make fun of that too those are the latest fucking cameras that I use by the way iPhone 6 cameras no it is a stylized oh okay this is not three stooges black and white it looks great I present the fact that I've been on this podcast for an hour 45 minutes and you would do that to me I don't give a fuck you either like it you don't I'm sure I'll love it I'm a fan I'm a Bill Burr fan ladies and gentlemen I don't believe a word of it Bill Burr B-I-L-L-B-U-R-R thanks for being here man anytime you want come on back thank you for having me and I will see you 830 tonight at the comedy store yes my friend that's right thank you the hilarious Bill Burr ladies and gentlemen alright we'll be back next week until then go fuck yourself and give everybody a big hug and a kiss hey please for real go buy it I've been watching Bill work this material out I saw you at the Ice House recently fucking hilarious set it's a funny funny funny funny dude

100:46so that's it folks see you soon bye bye big kiss