Joey Diaz, Eddie Bravo (Part 1)

00:00Ladies, gentlemen, hermaphrodites, freaks and geeks, all my friends, lovers and children, welcome to the podcast. We're here. Thank you very much once again for tuning in. We're here. My road dogs, Eddie Bravo and Mad Flavor. Let me adjust this camera because we can't see you right. What up? What up? Is that better? Yeah, bam. There we go. Tuning in there. Tuning in week number. It's week many. Many, many, many weeks. And we've been having a good fucking time. We had a good goddamn time in Boston. And we were talking about this yesterday, but we'll talk about it again just because Eddie's here. It was fucking crazy when I asked on stage how many people listen to the podcast. It's like the ability that you have when everybody went crazy. It was like this huge audience. And there was like, I'd say like 60% of them, 70% of them said they listened to the podcast. Yeah, that's crazy.

01:00So it's like, it's only going to keep doing that. As long as you make things that people think are interesting, it's only going to like, this is radio. This is just as powerful as any radio station that's ever existed. Without the bullshit and the drama and the bad fucking contestants and all that shit. This is just straight up talking. What the fuck happened to that camera? Did it move again? All right, there we are. I'm a terrible cameraman. Looking sharp. Brian's off on vacation Yeah, Brian is off in Ohio with his lady friend Alright, alright Meeting the family Beautiful Having a good goddamn time Getting the freak on What's wrong with Eddie Bravo? What's wrong with Eddie Bravo? What's going on? Eddie Bravo's Eddie Bravo You're not a strange character What's going on? It's funny You all understand Eddie Bravo when the 10th Planet reality show comes to light

01:5010th Planet Riverside, bitches Respect It's funny because I was talking to you on the phone last week and you said that You went to see a shitty movie. But you're one of the few people like me that take a shitty movie and make it work for us. You know what I'm saying? Like, we really make it work for us. We see what the bad points are, and you said you watched The Expendables or whatever. And it's so weird how we learned that from Paul Mooney. We had a conversation once about when you're a comedian, you should get entertained. Yeah. I'll tell you something. The last two weeks, I've done something that has blown me apart. I went to see a different form of entertainment. I went to watch Eddie Bravo teach. Oh, yeah. That's entertainment. And the way that place is, the way you sit, it's like a big fucking stage.

02:28Like if I did a one-man show, I would do it there with the mats facing everything. And I started watching him. And the first week he taught this move where you're hitting a guy and then you roll and take his leg. And the guy gives you an arm so you have three different options. And then last week, when you were there, by the way, you know the fucking move. He's got to let it go. And you're hitting him. You're on his back. So you take this leg and you double hook on this leg and you pull over. So he had three different options. So you take his arm from spider web? Yeah. Oh, no, no. The truck. Really cool. Really cool. But just the way Eddie was teaching. Yeah, that's a trip. You remember that. You had George. Come on, dog. If I didn't remember. I thought you were just making shit up. I thought you were just being funny. No, no, no.

03:04Because in the beginning of the DVD, you know, because at that point, you didn't really know the system at all. No, no, no. What the fuck you were doing? It was, that's the beauty of it is you were just talking about Night of the Living Dead and then I flip you with the butterfly hooks and then. No, no. So last week you start on the guy's back with your two hooks in. Yeah. You're hitting the guy in the head. Yeah. He thinks you're going to choke him out, and you flip over. So you've got this leg. You hook him with this leg. Yeah, you take it to the truck, baby. You've got the truck. And it was really weird how I went home, and it fucked with me that night. I was even doing comedy. It fucked with you? Like, it fucked with me. Like, I thought about it when I left there. And then I went the other night, which was a very simple hold, where it was controlling the guy with the underhook,

03:40which you're really good at, he said. George Sotteropoulos is in town. He's been in town for the last two weeks, so we've been focusing on overhook butterfly stuff to rubber guard. But the point being of the situation was that I was very intrigued while I was watching him. Thank you. Which I don't get intrigued by Dick. I didn't go see Avatar. All these movies don't do Dick to me. Well, when someone's really good at something, when someone's really good at something and really good at speaking about that something, it's always fascinating. But how he walks, he does it like a stand-up comic. He walks in a certain area so people have to look at it. And he doesn't even know what he's doing. He doesn't know how just being him, he commands attention. You know, he's not a big guy. he's not a flamboyant guy but I couldn't take my fucking eyes off him are you gay for Eddie? no

04:24this feels like you're gay for Eddie I'm talking about what I learned this week sometimes how you go out I think Joey just came out to us I'm supposed to go to a fucking I'm supposed to go to a UCB theater and see some fucking guy that's not funny and be entertained some of those guys are funny but I obviously went to see a jiu-jitsu class and was very entertained and was very intrigued and that was the whole point of this it wasn't about the fucking UCB theater what the fuck is it about? you that you really locked me in. Yes. And it was very, you know, I've never... Well, you know, you lock me in all the time, Joey. You know that shit. When you're on stage, you lock my shit in. I learned something this week. You know how fucking much great shit I talk about you to everybody. That's why my fucking ears are ringing all the time. You know what I'm saying? I tell everybody.

05:04Game recognizes game, bitches. Shit. Like, originally, with the 10th Planet Kush, originally, it was going to be the both of us. But when Joey's around, I'm like, why would I want to put the fucking camera on me? I'm just going to keep it on Joey. I can't really speak my mind anyways. I like being really honest. I can't really be that honest. You don't want to hurt people's feelings. I can't really be that honest. And Joey can just smash people. You know what? It's hilarious. I didn't say it. I didn't say it. I wonder if dudes get upset at some of your predictions. Marcus Davis. Marcus Davis, burn the kilt. No, he's got to burn that fucking dress. Yes, you know what? Marcus Davis, Kenny Florian, I fucking love you guys, man. You know you're my dogs. You know what I'm saying? This is all entertainment. I didn't say shit. No, we didn't say, listen, I picked Kenny Florian to win.

05:52This is a YouTube clip we're discussing. Oh, no, no, but check this out. But check this out. What we're talking about actually is probably on YouTube right now. I uploaded it about 73. Oh, my goodness. For the fucking sake, right? Can we play it? No, we can't. We can't. Okay, all right. We have to have two laptops to play. Brian is not here right now. Okay. I barely know what I'm doing here. We're just navigating straight. Even with Brian here, the fucking thing you were saying. Okay, but anyways, what we're talking about, this review we're talking about is actually just being released as we speak right now. It's 10th Planet Kush, episode 19, featuring Joe Rogan. That's the one. It's up like right this second probably, and Joey fucking goes off. And I got to put like a warning thing before this. The views of Joey Karate do not reflect the views of Eddie Bravo, right? I didn't go off.

06:44I just. I got to put that up. I didn't go off. I love. Let me tell you something. You'll see. You'll see what we mean. It was funny because I said, I read something that Dana had mentioned that what's his name choked. And I started thinking about it. Kenny Florian. Yeah. And I started thinking about it. And I said, you know what? How can I say that about a guy that I've never tried what he's doing? Like, this is to the point in my life where I'm at. I can never say somebody choked. You know, maybe he had a bad day. And then I started thinking about it. He had like six bad days, you know. But I never said he choked. And I liked that. All I said was he was as skinny as Jesus. Well, people will see exactly what you said when they watch the episode. You know what? It's all funny. So what it is for the people who don't know what we're talking about,

07:24Joey does this breakdown of the UFCs as Joey Karate, who's a Cuban black belt. And it's probably, even if you're not a UFC fan, it's probably the funniest fucking thing you watch on the internet. It's the funniest possible, most entertaining reviews of UFC previews and reviews. Sometimes we review a show. But there is nothing out there. Fuck ESPN. Fuck all that HDNet shit. There's nobody that brings the fire like Joey. All that shit's entertaining to a point, but I don't know how many times I fucking turned it off halfway through MMA Live. When you hear Joey do it, fuck. You fucking want it to last 30 minutes. And I'm always two and three or three and three. My picks are money. You understand me? Because I've learned from these guys, and I know what it is to get beat up. So I watch these fights, and that's how I pick the things.

08:13I've been in like two other three lately with the two key matchups always being money. So I'm not that fucking bad. No, you're very good. You're very accurate with it. I don't want to see that many guys talking about fights, analyzing fights. You know, I don't like, there's not a lot of guys I like to listen to. Dude, you know what? I want to hear funny. Yeah, you know what? I respect everybody out there doing, you know. personally, I don't get nearly as much insight from any articles or any commentators. I get it from MMA forums. I think dudes have more opinions and better opinions and better points of view on MMA forums. There's some very good writers. Guys who write on the underground. You read their shit and you're like, this guy's a fucking author. He might as well be writing for a magazine. This is really well written. A really well written breakdown

09:02of the event, of a guy's performance. To me, just because a guy has a job with Yahoo doesn't make him more credible than, you know, McFuckstick1 on the underground. They're just human beings. They're just writing their emotions. Exactly. It doesn't need to be official on ESPN.com to me. Interacting with people on the underground and getting someone's opinion on the underground, you get a bit more insight as to how a fight's going to go down from that than I think than any of the websites online. You know, the one time I do like hearing what a fighter actually has to say about a fight, the one time when they're talking about stuff that the public, and me included, really don't know about, what's really going on in that fucking cage. You know what I mean? Very few people experience fighting in front of the fucking world. So when a guy's breaking down a fight,

09:48and they see something, a chink in that guy's armor, like he folds, or, you know, like maybe fighters can, after a while, some fighters are known as folders, right? They just fold under the pressure. and fighters see that quicker than the average person. So I like that kind of insight. Yeah, there was a time when I was doing commentary with Randy and a dude got poked in the eye and the referee went over to him and he said, can you see? And he's like, man, I don't know. I don't know if I can see. And Randy got angry. Randy goes, you never tell him you can't see. He goes, if he tells him he can't see, it means he doesn't want to fight. And I was like, whoa, he got really intense. Like his crazy competitive drive came out when he was discussing this other guy. That's fascinating. I love that shit. I don't want to hear a bunch of analysts sitting around going,

10:32what he has to do is Clay Guida's got to keep the fight standing. Shut up. Shut up. Stop it. Stop it. I want to hear you. I want to hear you. I do. I'm going, I'm a man, the caveman, Geico, Guida, take down, ground and pound. It's all happening, dog. You ain't stopping it. That's what I want. I want to hear that kind of stuff. I do enjoy Inside MMA, though. I watch that shit all the time because I bring in some cool fighters. I'm a boss rooting fan to the death. Yeah, me too. He's fucking hysterical in the craziest way. You know what I mean? Boss is insane. They let an insane man host the fucking show. It's hilarious. We flew to Boston on the same plane. We were in the same plane. He's nice as fuck. One of the nicest guys I've ever met. Boss is super crazy nice, but he's also crazy. Yeah, he is great. So we're on the plane, right?

11:20So Boss is on the plane, and he goes up to use the restroom. and one of the ladies that's working for the plane is like, are you here for the wrestling thing? And he's like, yes, mixed martial arts. We're there for mixed martial arts. He's talking to him. And she tells him that her husband has hands, or her boyfriend has hands that he had registered as a deadly weapon. And Boss became obsessed with this. Boss is like, this is not true. I told her bullshit. Boss is telling me that he told her bullshit. We got off the plane. He was still telling her. She's telling me her boyfriend's hands are registered as a deadly weapon. I'm like, no fucking way. He was like super amped up about this. Oh, yeah. I mean, just listen to some of the shit he said on Pride. He's awesome. Oh, my God. He's got like at least 15 to 20 classic lines. Like, you want to put that shit on a loop.

12:10And on top of that, he's a badass fighter. I mean, he was one of the premier strikers in MMA during his era. Like when he took out Tiyoshi Kosaka, watch that fucking fight. Watch that fight where he won the title. He's a bad motherfucker. That wasn't actually won the title. That was the first fight he had in the UFC. On the posters it said, the world's greatest martial artist. That's how they were bringing him in. As the world's greatest martial artist. And Boss just fucked up Tiyoshi Kosaka. Just blasting him. Like there wasn't very many dudes who were striking like that in the UFC. Yeah, and Kosaka's fucking tough as hell. Tough as fuck, dude. Tough as fuck. Boss was a savage, man. His attack, man, he could kick so fucking hard. I remember when he first fought in Pancrase. All these dudes were kind of doing the same kind of thing. Pancrases, they had open hand slaps.

12:58You weren't allowed to punch. And there's a lot of dudes that weren't kicking very good. They just were kind of like, they'd take a guy down and dive on leg locks. All these shin pads and these shoes on. Like, you could grab a hold of a dude's feet pretty easy. And a lot of dudes were doing leg locks. Boss Ruten came out of nowhere blasting dudes with kicks. just boom you would see them hit these guys they're like what the fuck is he doing and the palm strikes these japanese guys weren't they didn't have they were just slapping each other and grappling he said wait a minute we could slap hmm how about I fucking slap you really fucking hard so he came in and he was fucking iron palming dude what he was doing was boss could pull his hand way back so he was basically just punching you with this he was using all his punch techniques, but he was hitting you with the meat of your hand, which

13:45really is better because it doesn't hurt your knuckles. Your hands don't break. You can hit some shit really hard like that. He was knocking people out with these slaps. The Japs weren't knocking anybody out. Uppercut slaps, knocking dudes senseless. You know what's crazy? I went to Amsterdam with Baz Root. In 2001, I commentated for a show called Too Hot to Handle in Holland while I was working for King of the Cage and Pride. they fucking hired me so we're on the same flight and we're all on the same flight he lived in LA and this is when he was crazy as fuck dude I'm not gonna get into detail what happened I don't wanna bust him out but he's known as a crazy wild man on the fucking plane was a crazy wild man on the plane and I can't get into details but god damn it when we get to Holland we partied all fucking I have about a hundred pictures of me and Bob all fucked up in Holland

14:40Jacked everywhere I can't even begin to tell you do you remember any of it? I remember all of it well I remember a lot of shit thanks to pictures because we took a lot of pictures and then you watch the pictures isn't it weird how your memories become memories of the pictures? you know what I mean? you actually remember that those are your memories the picture well memories are only relevant you know if you use them if it's a memory that's never going to come up it's really hard to retrieve if it doesn't have any emotional like bearing in your life like I have memories from my early childhood because they were like strong moments that meant something to me. I learned something from that experience. But like a regular memory, just hanging out with somebody? How long do you remember that for? I've got good memories. I remember a lot of shit.

15:21Dude, as I get older, I feel like I have less room on my hard drive. I feel like I've got an old hard drive that's filled up with shit. I don't remember the dumb stuff, but I do remember the important stuff. I've got a question for you, Joe. What do you think, out of everything you've heard about Pancras, I mean, what do you think? I don't know what to think, but Ken Shamrock told me, Ken Shamrock told me, came out of his mouth that all those Pancras fights were worked. They were set up. He said all of them? Except for when foreigners fought each other. They would just let them fight. Wow. But when it was Japanese against a foreigner, like he said, he actually worked for the Japanese. He was in Pancras as their American to fight so they can mix it in with the Europeans. That's what he said. He said, I was brought in. You had to be really good. Other guys have said the same thing.

16:10Yeah, because he said you had to be really, really good because if they asked you to take them to the later rounds or whatever, take them late into the fight, you had to be good enough too because sometimes the foreigners didn't know they were fixed. He said the foreigners didn't always know, but we would control it. So the foreigners, you'd have to make sure you just didn't knock them out. Something. They were trying to create characters and do different shit. What would they do if the 400 got hurt? Dude, this is just all, I don't know if this is true or not. So what is it all about? Gambling? Is that what it is? I don't know. Fixed fights? I mean, if it's all about predicting the outcome, is it like pro wrestling with fighting? What is it? I think it was half pro wrestling, half real. You know what I mean? I think that's a pancreas. But I don't know, man.

16:55This is what Ken Shamrock told me. I don't know. I wouldn't know. I wouldn't know. Because I do know one thing. That fucking Frank Shamrock against Alan Golas, that shit was real. That was pancreas. Was it? And that was real as fuck. Do you remember that? No, I don't remember that fight at all. Damn! Was it good? Alan Goels was all over Frank Shamrock. Really? But if you grab the rope, you've got to let go of the hold and start again. So if you're on a fucking hold, you can grab the rope. So Alan Goels was all over Frank Shamrock. Frank Shamrock just started. He was so green. He really didn't know jiu-jitsu that well. He was just a real natural athlete, powerful, strong. He was always explosive. He was just a fitness fucking powerhouse. powerhouse, and he knew some shit from Ken Shamrock, but he wasn't that good at that point. And Alan Goese was all

17:40over him, and if it wasn't for the ropes, he would have fucking... But at the end, Frank Shamrock got him in a fucking footlock, dude, and Alan Goese couldn't reach the rope, and he fucking jacked him and broke his ankle. Really? Yeah, but it was like a draw, I think. I don't remember exactly if it was a disqualification. I don't know. There was something at the end. I don't know who won, but I do know Alan Goese was all over him, but Frank Shamrock kept saving the ropes and then at the end he got him in an ankle lock and Alan Goh didn't defend right and he broke it. I was surprised that Frank Shamrock retired. I was surprised. He's the commentator for the Strikeforce. But he hasn't retired. He said he retired. He had a big ceremony. He had a big ceremony. He stood in the middle of the octagon and bowed to everybody. You know how many times Ozzy retired? You know how many times?

18:32Ozzy who? Ozzy Osbourne. Stop. He never retired. Exactly. You know how many farewell tours? Technically, he's had several farewell tours. Ken Shamrock had a... Farewell. Okay, so you think Frank Shamrock getting in that cage, just bowing to everybody's publicity stunt, that eventually he's going to come back and make it like it's a really big deal that he's coming back? I'm not going to say it was a publicity stunt because maybe he believes he's really retiring, but I believe... And he hasn't made that much money. He hasn't made that much money. And you have all these boxers that have made gazillions in boxing that happens all the time. All these thought boxes that made gazillion, you get used to the money. Damn, if I fight again, that could fight for, like, dude, that could make $200,000. That means a lot to these guys. These guys aren't rich. They'll come back. You know what I mean?

19:12They'll always come back. How old is that, Shamrock? I think he's coming back. He's in his late 30s. I believe he's about 37. You know, even guys with millions come back for the money. Yeah. And he didn't make millions. Well, he's a smart guy, though. But I respect him. I'm not saying this. I'm not saying he's a... I think he could do anything. And I think if he decides that he doesn't want to compete anymore, why should he compete? If it's not in his heart anymore and he feels like his performances reflect that, why not just step down? Why not stop doing it if you can get over it? The real problem with fighters is at a certain point in time, your self-esteem and your self-worth evolves completely around your ability to fight and beat people up. And when you can't do it anymore, you feel like a loser.

19:48You know, a lot of guys, like, they don't even know who they are when they stop competing because it's such an intense experience that a giant chunk of their life is dedicated to getting really good at it, to getting good at fighting. Their whole life revolves around their fighting. And then when they're not fighting, it's like they're lost. Like when I was doing comedy and I was sucking, one of the best things that happened to me is I tore my ACL. And the reason being is I couldn't train, I couldn't do anything, and I certainly couldn't fight. And I needed an operation. But it took competing as an option away from me. I was 21 years old. And it took it away. And I was like, I can't compete anymore. My leg's fucked. Okay, so now I do have to concentrate on the next phase of my life.

20:26Because otherwise, the thing about martial arts is this is the only thing I'd ever done that I was good at. So I would do other things that suck at them. I'm like, but I'm good at this. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I getting away from this? My brain would be like, you don't want to do something and be terrible at it. Do something to be good at it, even if there's no fucking money in it and no future in it. You can get really, really, really attached to the idea of who you are and being a fighter. It's very difficult for those guys to step away. You can call it the glory. Everybody says it's the glory. it's far more complicated than that it's who they are it's all of a sudden their life is not wrapped around training camps and preparing and improving your skills to face the next level and get to the

21:05top and you know you get your title back once you've lost it and you know it's not that anymore now it's just you're just a regular dude well if you're just a regular dude there's nothing sad about being a regular dude but I guess if you're a fighter and you go to become just being a regular dude for a lot of them it's just too much to handle they don't want them in normal life they're wired for fucking craziness. You know, they're wired for that extreme experience. That shit's hard to walk away from, huh? Dude, I mean, nothing could feel better than beating someone's, like winning the belt in the UFC main card. When Chuck Liddell throws those arms back. Yeah. I mean, what feels better than that? Yeah. I mean, it looks like. You're the number one guy on the planet. When Chuck would do that and throw his arms back, it looks like he's got like the whole fucking, like he should be glowing.

21:51Yeah, like there's a lightning bolt coming from the sky. Of course you get addicted to that. Fuck yeah. You need that. That's the ultimate rush. When he smashed Tito. And after it was over, he was so fired up. Because Tito had talked so much shit. Chuck is like the nicest guy in the world. But if you talk shit, Chuck Liddell is the last person you want to talk shit to. Because he just wants to take it out on you. He wanted to take it out on Tito so bad. And when he knocked him out, and he fucking threw his arms back. It was like that. It was like a black hole was opening up. Were you there? Did I tell you the story about Chuck Liddell partying and Dana's lawyer or something grabbing some chick's ass? Did I tell you that story? Should you be telling us? I don't know the guy's name, so it doesn't matter. It was just a guy. Well, did he do something that can get him in trouble?

22:47No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You said grab some of his ass. Chuck loves this story. No, no, Chuck loves this story. Someone's going to jail. No, no, no. What happened is we're at some club in Vegas, Excess or some shit, and it's like Dana, Lorenzo, Chuck's there. This guy I'm talking to, this lawyer guy, they have a bunch of lawyers, a lawyer for something. Little guy. He's all sitting there, we're all at a table, and right next to the next table is this straight baller. He had to be a rapper because he was straight making it rain. It was funny. Oh, wait a minute, dude. I was there. This is the guy that got mouthy with Chuck. Yes, yes. Remember, he started throwing ones up. It was funny. The dude next to us was throwing up ones. The ones were landing on our table. We had billionaires there. Nobody's picking up the fucking ones, dude. They're just all over our feet.

23:40The guy's making it rain and no one gives shit. So anyways. The guy got loud and mouthy. No, no, no, no, no. He had a bunch of girls in that. The rapper guy. It was just him by himself with a bunch of chicks at his table. and we're right next to him. And I'm sitting there like looking at all the girls going, God damn, this guy has got a lot of girls. Like what does he do, right? And I think, I don't know what he, he was an athlete or something, probably sold coke. And the lawyer that was sitting next to me, we're both looking over, we're both looking over at all the chicks and I'm going, God damn, he's got some hot ones. And the lawyer guy reaches over at their table and grabs a chick's ass. And the girl turns around and goes, who the fuck did that? And the lawyer pointed at me. He said, me. I go fuck you Give up this guy's name I don't know his name I don't have no idea who he is

24:26But he was with everybody He grabbed the girl's ass And then the girl goes who grabbed my ass He goes he pointed at me I go dude it was him Fuck you I didn't grab no girl's ass He fucking pointed at me We have to find who this guy is So that girl Grabs the fucking athlete dude Comes over and he gets right in his fucking face and he's right there saying, did you? And the guy keeps trying to shake it. The lawyer guy tries to shake his hand. He goes, like, fuck you, shake your hand. You grab your fucking asshole. Fuck you up right here. He's like right in his face. He goes, let me shake your hand. Let's talk this. He goes, fuck your hand, man. Fuck your hand, man. He goes, let's just talk this. He goes, I'm going to fuck you up right here. And then while this is happening, fucking Patrick calls Chuck or Dana calls Chuck or Lorenzo, one of them. They call Chuck.

25:15Chuck's just hanging out on the other side of the table. He looks over. They go, Chuck. handle that shit. Chuck went fucking dude he went right into that guy's face. So what the fuck you gonna do? He didn't even know what the fuck happened. And the guy starts going trying to shake Chuck's hand. He was trying to shake Chuck's hand. Chuck goes fuck you. You don't fuck with anybody here. I'm gonna fucking kill you. Wait a minute. You sure that's what he said? Yeah. You weren't right there though. I was there with you. He was screaming at him. Really? Yeah and the guy was trying to shake Chuck's hand and Chuck was like Chuck seemed to me a little bit more less intense than that. No, no, that's exactly what the way it was. But the guy was definitely very aggro, but Chuck did get in his face. Oh, dude, Chuck got right in his face and shut him down. As soon as he saw Chuck.

25:57His hands were fucking registered with the FBI. What happened? Because only black guys and their cousins. Did you ever notice that shit? No, there's a lot of white karate guys that registered him. No, they don't exist. When I was a kid growing up, if you were black and you talked about Bruce Lee, there's always that black guy that said, listen, I got a cousin who's a black belt who's got his hands registered with the FBI. Yeah. What does it entail to actually have your hands registered? Only black guys have their hands registered. Exactly. Maybe 20 years ago, I think if you had a black belt in karate in some states, you had to register your hands. I don't think that's ever been the case. But you never heard about that? I've heard about that. People heard about it, but it's not real. It's just things that people make up.

26:34I don't think there's any place that makes you register your hands as a deadly weapon. Are you sure? I'm almost positive. A hundred percent? No, not a hundred. I'm not a hundred. But I would say I'm F90. If you're a professional boxer, I think somewhere... Boss Fute was very sure. This is not true. No, he does not. If you're a professional boxer or professional fighter and something ever goes down, you always lose because that's the case. That's not necessarily the case. That's Roger Huerta thing. Everybody thinks he was in the right. That guy that knocked out that chicken. But things have changed now. I think, you know, but 20 years ago, there was something. There were some states that were... Well, that's a video. There's a video of that guy being an aggressive douchebag. I've never seen Roger Huerta. The evidence is it's a good thing it's karma.

27:15Yeah, well, the guy punched this chick in the face. It's the beginning of the video, and the guy just, whoever's filming it looks like he just got lucky and caught this all on tape. But this big black dude, he's a fucking, like a quarter, what's going on here? Nothing. Just hold it like a mic. Nah, I'm not in the mood. I'm over here hanging. Relax him. This big, big guy, he's like 250, fucking giant muscles, walks up to this chick and just blasts her in the face and sucker punched her. And everybody's like, what the fuck? but the dude's so big, nobody wants to do anything. Well, Roger Huerta gets right up to the guy and he goes, hey, man, he's got his hands up like this, man, man, you just knocked out a girl. And the guy's like, I'll knock out any bitch I want. I'll knock your bitch ass out. And the guy took his shirt off. So Roger Huerta goes, all right, I guess we're going.

27:57Roger Huerta takes his shirt off and there's a lot of scrambling in the camera. It's tough to see what's going on. But seconds later, maybe four, maybe five, the dude's unconscious on the ground and Roger Huerta's beating down on him. Just blab, blab, blab. I mean, it's like karma, like a movie. it's like he's an action hero he's like spider-man he just blasts this dude out of nowhere and they all got it on video and you can't say anything because the guy hit a chick it's like the perfect scenario it's like here's a guy using his martial arts for good unquestionably I mean he's in a place where a guy assaults a woman and does it hits her with a sucker punch he confronts the man with his hands up in a passive way like this like hey man what the fuck you just knocked out a girl like surely there's got to be a reason for this you know yeah that girl killed my mother you

28:40You know what I'm saying? You never know. He's like, I'll knock any bitch ass I want. I'll knock your bitch ass out too. And Roger Werther kicks his ass and it's all on video. I love it. Roger Werther, Captain Save-A-Ho. I fucking love it. Give him a cape right now. It's over. I don't think he meant to do it. I think he couldn't help himself. That guy went through a lot of abuse when he was a kid. He's very sensitive to bullies, I think. And when he sees a situation like that, it's like you have to step in and do something. That girl just got punched. I mean, even if it was for a reason, what could it have been? I mean, what's the reason to walk up to a chick and sucker punch her? She drown your puppy? What the fuck? You know, what is it? There's no reason. Why would I sucker punch a chick? Let me think. She would have had to. She'd have the keys to the nuclear bomb. You know what?

29:25If she stole my fucking phone, I would fucking. If she stole my phone, I would sucker punch her. Really? Yeah. That's all it takes? A girl has to steal your phone and you'll sucker punch her? I'll fucking break her jaw. Wow. You're very close with your phone. he loves his phone no maybe my laptop my laptop maybe not my phone I would I would like push your head what's the longest time you've been without a phone and without internet connection what's the longest time man at&t is worldwide you know what I'm saying they suck locally at&t sucks balls at my house I can't talk on the phone at my house. It's kind of weird. But God damn it, it'll come on in Thailand on a fucking island off the coast of Thailand. I'm like, God damn, it's working. I guess the roaming or something, right? Yeah. I don't know what it is. I went to a resort once in Mexico, in Cancun.

30:20I wanted to go see the Mayan ruins. We went to Chichen Itza. And the resort that we went to, we stayed at near Cancun. No telephones, no internet access, no television. Beautiful. Nothing. It was nothing. It was terrible. I fucking hated it. I hated it. Oh, shit. I got movies to watch on my laptop. I'm watching movies on my laptop. My laptop can't even connect to the fucking internet. And you're running out of movies. How long did you go without that? At night time, man. I like watching a little TV. It doesn't matter where I'm staying, how beautiful it is. When I lie down in bed, I like to see what the fuck's going on in the world. I like to just turn on CNN for a few minutes. Last week, I made a mistake. I wanted a house phone. so I called AT&T Terry called up AT&T and we got everything put together the DSL the house phone well they hooked everything up except they shut the DSL off

31:10for five days just shut it off no DSL no DSL in the fucking house oh my god that dial up no internet dial up oh my god so after one day I was like fuck it and I just spread it out I didn't bust down and go to the library and I'll tell you what by the third day it was kind of fucking nice really? it's kind of fucking I'd be so behind on emails I couldn't do it so what? I'd get stressed so what? Five days. Try it for five days. No computer, no cell phone. See what your life... You know, when Brock Lesnar does that shit sometimes, you really got to think about it. Yeah. You really got... And I know. I know you're in a position where you need your cell phone. Okay. Yeah, but listen, man. Obviously, I agree with you. That's why I moved to the mountains. It's something about it. I really enjoyed it. I think being separate, just having a little time to yourself is very important.

31:53Very important, man. Look, I mean, I'm a huge proponent of the isolation tank, and that's the whole theory behind the isolation tank, being alone. Completely. Dude, in 98, remember I was going out psycho? Eddie's girlfriends always have the best name. Bored again. Bored again was one. Psycho was another. Psycho, we were at the tail end of the relationship. It was falling apart, and we decided, let's try to rekindle our love and drive up the coast to Monterey. Let's try it. See what happens. One final fucking go at it, right? So we drove up, and it was pretty fucking cool, getting high, driving up the fucking PCH. The view was amazing. I didn't realize First time ever I drove up I didn't realize How beautiful the coast It's incredible The view is incredible All the way up the coast It's like I kept pulling over Every 10 minutes I kept looking I'm like She's all I'm like

32:41I gotta videotape this This is like Fucking heaven It's weird that It's so close to the edge Though that road That road's scary as fuck It's like you could easily Just turn Just decide This is it I'm gonna end it Turn to the right And you're off The side of the cliff Oh So scary Fuck yeah But it's beautiful And you're trusting the other person coming the other direction. I'm trusting you to not be crazy and suicidal. So we're driving up the coast. We go up to Monterey. It's fucking cool. We go to the aquarium, videotape and shit. I'm like, fuck, man. I'm having a good time out there. This is nice. Smoking weed the whole time. And then we spend a couple days in Monterey. It was cool. It was getting a little boring. It was getting a little boring. But I'm like, okay. We were going to drive back down. And there's a place. It's like the wilderness next to the beach on cliffs.

33:24It's called Big Sur. And you rent little bungalows. and we're going to rent bungalows for two nights. Like, fuck, yeah, and go hiking and then hike to the beach. Fuck, it's amazing. It's fucking paradise. We get there. We check in for two nights. Bam, immediately we go hiking and shit. We had been in Monterey for a couple days. We go to the beach. Fuck, I got that all. It's like some magical shit. And then, man, the sun was coming down and we go back to the bungalow and we didn't know they didn't have anything. They didn't have radio, TV, nothing. They had nothing. Straight up pushing. So we were like, oh, shit. so it's like 7 30 and we're kicking back there's nothing to do so we watch the last two days at monterey on the little lcd screen on our fuck my camcorder we're watching that and I'm thinking

34:08there's only 90 minutes of this it was it was I was beginning to see we fucked you know she we first time ever we videotaped it it was like it was like whoa the first time we've ever videotaped sex whoa we just we didn't we ran out of shit to do damn and now it's like 9 30 and shit holy fuck it was it we I realized something that how important tv and internet is especially when you're you know I could just go to sleep or whatever but when you're trying to entertain your girlfriend I said fuck it I went back to I went to the front desk and I said I didn't know that we didn't there was no reception up here at all can we get can I get a refund for tomorrow I just wanted to leave that next morning get the fuck back to my life so I came back and I go guess what he said what I go I got the refund for tomorrow night She goes yes She wanted the fuck out too Get the fuck out of here

35:01We're just lying there There's nothing to do We've heard each other's stories For the last six months What are you going to tell me A new story about you Something new about you When you first meet someone Hanging out with them for 10 hours in a row And just talking is easy We broke up On the way back she was in a bad mood We started fighting It's fucking over By the time I hit fucking Santa Barbara, I was like, okay. I was thinking of the exit plan, you know what I mean? It was done. So TV kept your relationship together. Yes, and I realized we didn't have shit. We didn't have shit. By the time I hit Santa Barbara and Ventura, it was fucking, I was like planning for the future without her. You had fucking, and sometimes that's enough to keep a relationship together for a long time. And we had entertainment. We watched a lot of TV together.

35:48If we didn't have TV, what the fuck would we do together, you know what I mean? nowadays couples couples like I went to my friend's house steve from uh you know sure steve melee from melee fight here um him and his girlfriend they got the big screen going and they're both got their laptops out they're both every time I go over they're watching some movie oh we're watching a movie again and we're on our laptop too and it's like that's the fucking wave of the future right there right well yeah if you're in that kind of a relationship yeah yeah You know what? We're hanging out. But we got shit to do. But we're still hanging out. We're still right here. I could kiss you and all that. But I got work to do. Some chicks still, they want to be watching the same thing. They don't want you in the room while they watch a movie. But you got to cuddle. How are you? You got to watch.

36:34If you weren't cuddling, why are you watching the movie? Well, fuck the cuddling. You want you to experience the movie. I sit over here. You know what? You guys sit separately? We sit a couple of weeks. I don't like people on top of me. I don't give a fuck who is it. You don't cuddle? I love cuddling. Oh, I like cuddling too. At night, late night, but not at eight when I'm watching like fucking UFC. When I'm ready to get my nookie cookie, then I'm good. Yeah, you're right. You can't cuddle and watch the UFC, right? You can't cuddle and watch the UFC. No way. I don't like that. I like to wean myself off and shit, especially the last five or six years. There's nights I don't sleep with that. I sleep at the machine. I know I'm going to get a headache. What if there's a fucking earthquake? What if? What if? I always want to prepare myself. and that's why I don't like this shit.

37:19These are fucking luxuries, guy. That's why I was the last guy to get a fucking cell phone. You know it. You broke my balls for three years about it. Something about it. Something about it. You got that pager. When I call somebody and they have a cell phone and they don't answer, it pisses me off because it's not a house phone. It's a cell phone. It's in your pocket, you miserable motherfucker. Answer the fucking thing. You know what I'm saying? And that's why I don't like cell phones because I like to get people I call them with and say, let me look at your cell phone and smash it because that's what it's a luxury. and to the fucking thing. It's the same thing with these fucking computers. You got to get off, especially you. You're intelligent. Get off this shit for five days and see how different your fucking life is. I enjoyed it. After the second day, I was like,

37:58God damn, it's like I was on Coke. I had to go somewhere every 20 minutes to do a bump. That's what I feel like when I'm on the computer. Every time I'm home, I got to stop what I'm doing every 30 minutes and see who emailed me or whatever. It was really nice not to give a fuck. Like, you know what? I don't give a fuck. It would be nice. I agree with you. I understand. But I actually enjoy the business when I get in the mode and I got to answer all my emails. I'm like, I love it. And I'm like, it's happening, son. But you know what? I write a letter from time to time. I hand write a letter just to fucking keep me alive, dog. Don't depend on this shit. You know what? Let me ask you something. If right now, if I took your fucking phone and I asked you what your mother's number was, you wouldn't fucking know it. And neither would you. And neither would I.

38:41We're getting too fucking comfortable, guys. And it's fucking bullshit. That is true. I take your phone. I smash it. You're going to sit there scratching your nuts for two days. You know three numbers in your head. The house, your manager, and that's it. You don't know nobody else's number. You think of how fucking soft we are. We're fucking strong. You're the only number I know. But I don't even know that number no more. Because you've got to do one. I don't know your number no more. I haven't lost you. I had to wait for three days for you to call me. That's why I didn't call you in Boston. I had to wait three days. How many numbers do you think you can store in your brain? Me? Yeah, anybody. Bro, in the old days, because of my cocaine and my criminal shit, I don't want numbers written on papers. telling me from my mom. My mom never wrote nothing on papers. When my mother died,

39:20that's why I never talked to my sister anymore because my mom had all those numbers in her head. You know, Jay-Z does all his raps in his head. In his head, you have to. It's in your fucking head, man. That's kind of crazy. That's insanity. I mean, you do need a paper from time to time. I like notes, man. I went through a long time where I didn't write any of my comedy down. Don't believe he don't use a paper. You got to write shit down from time to time. I got notes like a motherfucker. We all have notes like that. I'll forget. You know, I forget, man. What I think is happening, Joey, is much more complicated than that. I think it's not that this is making us soft. I think this is becoming a part of us. Right. When you leave your phone at home, and I leave my phone at home, and I go out and I realize I don't have my phone on me, I feel like something's wrong.

40:00You're disconnected from the world. I feel vulnerable. You have this anxiety. I feel vulnerable. And you walk in your door, you pick up your phone, and I called you. Big fucking deal. You missed the guy. It feels good, though. Something about it. Think about it. Think about when you walk in, you haven't had your phone on. And you open it up and you think all this fucking knowledge is going to be in there. I think it's nostalgia for the past. I think we're moving towards an era where you don't remember phone numbers. They're on this device that controls everything in your life. And it might even be a part of your body. I think you can't hold on to the past. Things are changing. They're obviously changing. In our lifetime, the Internet has made things radically different. Just in our lifetime. We have had more change in our lifetime than hundreds and hundreds of years in the past.

40:41Just in a few decades. I think all this computer and technology It's not making us soft It's becoming a part of us I think in some way It's going to help human beings evolve Two years from now when the Arabs bombed the fucking tower Or the satellites and we got no phone And you're stuck on fucking Trying to call me cocksucker You'll say I had a fucking Joey's number You're right That's the least of my worries when the world ends No I don't talk about the world ends Listen they've been trying to hit You ain't gonna have no lines when the world ends There's no lines You're gonna need to know how to make a bow and arrow With your shoelace And go kill a rabbit That's why I'm getting ready for that shit That's why I hang out with the brothers in Vermont And shoot and knife We're gonna go hunting with Ricky Schroeder We're gonna make it a reality special

41:28Eddie Bravo, me and Ricky Schroeder out hunting The only animal I've ever killed was If you count a rat Like I set up a mousetrap You'd be down for that though right Go hunting with Ricky Schroeder? Fuck yeah. We should film that, right? Yeah, I need to get a rifle. That would be interesting. You and I super baked in the woods with guns. What a great idea. You can't do that. You can't be super baked in the woods. With a straight Ricky Schroeder. If I was really high, I think I would be better at hand. I'm just kidding, ladies and gentlemen. I wouldn't be high with a gun in the same woods as other people. Yeah, how dare you? Yes, you would. That's okay. I would not do that. It's wrong. Eddie can't do the rubber guns. He's got a.22 in his fucking knee. You know what I'm saying? You have to be very careful.

42:09I read this article online about, I was researching hunting in hunting accidents in Maine because I was, I used to have this joke about hunting in Maine and I was like, I wonder what the real numbers were. Like how many people actually got shot? Well, the real problem is experienced hunters. They literally see deer. They'll see a deer and they'll pull the trigger. And then after they pull the trigger, they realize it's a woman in a red jacket. It's like, it's their mind plays tricks on them because a seasoned hunter has to get so good at recognizing movement. There he is. I got the opening. Boom. Pull the trigger. So their brain literally puts an image of a deer in front of them when they see motion Your brain tries to already give you the image before it even gets it Because you're looking for it so bad You're looking for it so bad that your brain makes you visualize a deer

42:53There's the deer and these guys literally say they saw a deer And the most horrible night How often does that happen? All the time Really? Yeah, that's the problem The problem is experienced hunters experienced hunters who just they're just used to knowing that you have to capitalize on on a quick opening there's the opening bang oh my god it's a person like that shit's real man that's the scariest thing about hunting so the last thing is hunters that don't know what the fuck they're doing and you know people accidentally shooting people it happens all the time you got experienced hunters out there 30 percent the other experience is unexperienced so some motherfucker's gonna get shot is what we're saying The article that I was reading was about this guy who was an investigator, and he was out there investigating people who were shot.

43:35And they had this one guy that he thinks was a suspect, and the guy was an experienced hunter. And he just was asking the guy, like, hey, you see anything? Anything going on? We've got a situation. And the guy's like, no, no, didn't see anything. All he did was just drive by the dude's house every day for a week, just pause in front of the house, stop, look at him, drive. Four or five days later, the dude cracked. He just couldn't take it anymore. Imagine the guilt of accidentally shooting somebody while you're hunting. You know, you think you're seeing a deer. So I talked to the guy, and that's what the guy said once he finally confessed. He said, I really thought it was a person. I mean, I really thought it was an animal. I saw an animal. I saw the horns. I saw the whole thing. I saw a buck with a big rack, and I pulled the trigger, and it was a person. Let's go do that. And tape it.

44:17I don't want to hunt until they let us hunt the little cocksuckers. That's when I want to go hunting. I want to hunt the fucking humans in the woods. Yeah, but you can't eat them, man. I don't want to eat a fucking, I don't even want to eat something like that. You eat animals like crazy. Yeah, but I don't want to eat something like shit. Oh, I do. I don't want to see it. Why not? I don't want to see that fucking hole in its head. Why would you want the animal to die in some fucking factory farm where they get their brains smashed by a piston and they're living in cow shit all day for most of their life until that happens. I just don't want to shoot an animal. You know what? I don't want to either, but I eat meat and I love it. I had a juicy, fat fucking steak last night. It was delicious. I had a juicy one for fucking breakfast. I love meat, man. I love it.

44:53I think it's a part of being a human being. I love pussy, but you don't see me shooting no bitches. But I don't think it has to. You know what I'm saying? I love pussy, but you don't see me shooting a bitch in the head. I like your logic, cock sucking. It's hard to argue with it. Even though I would love it. I just don't want to shoot an animal. I know you don't want to. God bless you motherfuckers that go on and stuff like that. I know you don't want to. I know you don't want to, and I respect that. You make me nervous for shit. I think there's nothing wrong with that. I love you guys. I don't want you shooting any and vice versa. I don't think that because you eat meat, I don't buy the argument that you should have to shoot an animal. I don't buy that.

45:20I think we've allowed ourselves to somehow or another be removed from the process of murdering, slaughtering, and butchering the animal. And we just enjoy the meat, which is kind of crazy, if you really think about it. Fucking crazy. So I just want to, for my own personal edification, I just want to go and experience it. I want you to go. Why can't we get a cow and shoot a fucker in your backyard? Well, you know, you could. My gardener got in trouble for killing a goat in his backyard. What'd they do to him? They got mad at him. They were going to evict him from the house. And he's like, I don't get it. He goes, I could cook, right, in my backyard. He goes, why can't I kill a goat? He was like, this way you know it's not diseased. It's safe. It's like the safest thing. To him, it was like so normal. I was like, well, it is normal. I mean, why can't he kill it? How come he can cook it?

46:02How come he can? He could be outside with a side of beef sawing off chunks. Nobody would say a word. They would say, wow, that's a big piece of beef you got there. But if you actually killed the cow and started sawing the beef, he would get in big trouble. And I understand it's because you've got to get rid of the guts. It's gross, dude. It is gross. Was the neighbor ratted him out? Yeah, someone ratted him out. He's a Spanish person. Yeah, he's Mexican. He's a Spanish dispense. Sure, we don't give a fuck. Yeah, but look, the way he was talking about it, it's like, this is silly. Like, come on. I want to make sure my meat is good, you know? I know the animal's not diseased. When I was a kid in Miami, my uncle would get the pigs, bring them up, feed them for a couple weeks, and then fucking kill them while we were there. Horrible. I stopped eating pork for a while

46:39because I saw that movie, My Brother's Keeper. Did you ever see that? No, I heard about it. It's a documentary about these guys that were kind of slow, and one of them, I think, got accused of murder or something like that. But anyway, in the documentary, they live on a farm, I believe in upstate New York, I forget, and the guy went to kill one of the pigs, and he pulls out the shotgun, and the pig starts running. That pig knows what the fuck is going down. Pigs are smart. They're, like, smarter than dogs. So when this pig sees that shotgun, he just starts fucking running and squealing and scrambling. The guy's chasing after him and finally gets the gun to his head and blows his brains out. but like while before it happens that pig is in utter sheer terror and I thought about that I'm like man I don't think I want to experience that like why am I eating pigs when was the last time

47:21I ate bacon I ate it all the time yeah I gave up it didn't last very long listen but for a while I was like cows are dumb fuck them they're stupid but really the shit that you're supposed to eat I think is the smart shit I think you're supposed to eat fish not smart but difficult to catch fish and game you know those are hard to catch like cows and pigs are just sitting there laying around, that's probably not the best for you. I appreciate your argument and I know when I eat a piece of meat that some cow's hanging upside down with a fucking thing in his neck. I don't see it. I don't want to think about it, but by me going hunting, which I really couldn't do anyway, it would just make my life I don't even like venison. I don't like none of that shit. I eat veal scallopini if there's a certain fucking Italian makes it to me in the East Coast. I can't eat veal. Thin like a motherfucker.

48:05And I eat it and I make believe I don't even know what the fuck I'm eating. You know what I'm saying? It's like eating pussy when you get coked up and drunk. I can't. And that's it, guys. I eat meat because of my necessities and stuff. Fish, you know. Chicken I eat. And even though I know they're nasty, they piss all over the fucking legs, I still fucking eat chicken. I won't go to Popeye's chicken, but I eat chicken. Popeye's is delicious. Yeah, I know. Spicy chicken with rice and beans. Yeah, next time you get a breast from fucking Popeye's, take the skin off it and see the foot. You can see the indentations of the toe. They cut the foot in half and see what the fuck's in there. You'll never eat Popeye's again. You understand me? I got the surprise on my line. These opinions are purely those of Joey Diaz's. These opinions are true. I know all about mafia meat and all that shit.

48:44The Joe Rogan Experience podcast. This is all Joey's opinions. I, for one, am a huge fan of the Popeye's chicken. I wish to avoid litigation. All right. What about you, Tarzan? You like Popeye's chicken? I like El Pollo Loco's new chicken jalapeno sandwich. Is it good? I'm addicted to that motherfucker. Really? Yeah, yeah. I'm telling you, man. El Pollo Loco jalapeno chicken sandwich. They just came out with the bread. They did something to the bread, the Mexicans in the back. They soaked that shit in something. It's like a McGriddle chicken sandwich. It's so good. Talking to Mexicans, I got to give Mexicans props this week because I have encountered something I've never encountered in my life. I moved into North Hollywood, the coolest neighborhood I've lived in in California, and we actually have a Mexican ice cream man.

49:26You don't know what life is until you have a Mexican ice cream man. There's no schedule. Some days he shows up at 10, some days at 6, some days he got ice cream. Last week he showed up at 11.15 while I was watching the UFC on a Saturday night. Terry's like, do you hear the fuck? And I wish I was joking with you guys. This motherfucker comes at 11. Bing, bing. You go out there, the best soft serve ice cream I've ever had out here. Better than Dairy Queen, all that shit. Tremendous. He had shoes on there last week. He was selling shoes. He's got popcorn. I'm not fucking kidding. That's hilarious. As long as you keep moving, I guess he's got a mobile store. He doesn't have to pay for space or anything. And the ice cream soft serve, He dips it like the thing Like Dairy Queen You just hear a bell Old school Is it like Is it a truck With a motor Bing A fucking huge truck Like Mr. Softy

50:13In the east coast When I was a kid Oh so it's an ice cream man No music No nothing Like I've seen an ice cream man Downtown that just goes Elow Elow Patagate And he just Talks in Spanish And everybody flocks out Most of them push like a car Yeah I see those guys Your dude's in a truck This motherfucker has a truck That has a bell Bing When you hear that People just come out They lose their mind The ice cream is fucking delicious What a great idea the ice cream truck is. That's one of the greatest ideas ever. It's not that huge. It's not that huge, though. It's not. You only see them in poor neighborhoods, right? Well, it's hard to trust. It was motherfucker. Some dude just selling you some shit on the street out of his truck. Yeah, that's not good. I grew up on Mr. Softy. That shit was delicious. How weird is that? You can't just. What are the laws? You just.

50:57They got ice cream truck laws. No. Yeah. You have to have a license. You can't just do that. You have to have some sort of a merchant's license. You got to have a kitchen. It must be really hard because we would see more ice cream trucks in rich neighborhoods, but we really don't. Or do people want to buy it, man? Rich neighborhoods? You know, you can't be going through Beverly Hills in an ice cream truck. No, you got to get clearance. Because people think you're probably trying to rob them. You know what? You know what it is? You know, the main thing is they know in the rich neighborhoods, the kids just can't come out. Yeah. They can't get to them. In the poor neighborhoods, the kids are out in the fucking streets at three and four. They're like, the kids are like fucking stray dogs in poor neighborhoods. When I was living with my grandfather in Newark,

51:36when I was living with my grandfather in Newark, they would be playing stickball in the middle of the street. You would have to stop and whatever they'd be playing. They'd be playing soccer in the middle of the street. They'd be playing mostly Puerto Ricans and Dominicans and stuff in Newark. And you would literally have to stop your car, wait in order to get through to where you wanted to go. Oh, totally. Cars coming, everybody would stop their game for a second. We did that all the time. The car would drive by and they'd restart the game. Every goddamn day playing football in the street. the street with cars. That was the story of my life. A bunch of poor fucking Mexican kids. No one had a dad. 90% of all the kids. We were like fucking the little rascals, dude, on my fucking block. It was a couple guys. I was like 10 and 11. Once my stepdad left at 10,

52:18I was gone. I was on the streets. My mom couldn't control me and my brother. Stepdad could, but once I was 10, we were on the fucking streets. It was like three dudes at 10, my brother at 14 and 15, and then we had some 18, 19 year olds and some 20 and we're all mixed in playing football organizing shit we're always on the street playing basketball games bunch of mexicans and we're all into rock eric was into rush no one had a dad everyone's dad was gone except for but fuck man what was the point ice cream truck that was part of our life playing football on the fucking street and ice cream truck coming by I came from an Irish Italian neighborhood and we played fucking everything on the street, from stickball to football. And then when their leaves came down, that's when you played two-hand touch. And then we put the bricks in the middle of the street and you pile the leaves on top of it

53:11and some dickhead's driving with his car. Oh, my God. And he hit the front car. We were fucking animals there. When I lived in Jamaica Plain, when we first moved to Boston, we moved to a bad neighborhood. We moved to this place, Jamaica Plain. And it was one of those streets where you would, on the street, there was like, you know, maybe 15, 20 kids that would live on the street and they would be hanging out in the middle of the street all night. It was like 3 o'clock in the morning, and you'd be watching TV. They'd be like 10 feet in front of your window, screaming at each other, yelling, drinking beer, throwing shit. Summer nights, dude, nobody went to bed. Nobody went to bed. When there was a blizzard, everybody was out in the street fucking riding, taking sleds, taking sled rides down the hill. It was crazy. My mom couldn't control us. We had a thing called bombing.

53:56Whenever we'd get together late at night, We'd get in camo, climb lemon trees, fill backpacks with lemons. And then we'd climb in other trees, and we'd be all camouflaged in a tree. And when the cars would come by, fucking throw lemons at them. And then they would stop. Dude would come out, and we'd be hiding in the fucking trees, man. And they would never find us. We were all camouflaged. We loved camouflage. But we would practice jumping fences and escape routes. We knew everybody's backyard and everyone's fence. We would practice. So we got chased, too. Cops would even come by. Cops chased us, but they couldn't catch us. we're gone in the backyard to the fences we were going through you know I had this conversation with brian callen yesterday I'm gonna have it again with you guys too because we're all the

54:35same in the three of us that we we were kind of like left to our own devices you know do you think that that's I think every interesting person that I know almost all of them were not raised by the parents they were all like raised like wild dogs they all like figured out their way through the world like they made a good relationship with their mother you know but they don't really see her that often she didn't really teach them things they kind of figured things out on their own I for sure did man Me and my brother on the streets My mom just had to work all the time She worked all the goddamn time If you had a really cool dad Who was a Christian Who was a real Republican But super nice guy You could have thought like that If your dad raised you like that And brought you along like that Who knows It would have been different Your brain gets programmed By the people that are around you

55:24Especially your influences and your teachers, and your father, of course, is going to be the biggest teacher in your life. If your father was a really nice guy and a sweet guy and a fun guy and a loving father and a Christian and really gung-ho, rah-rah Republican, the United States would never do a bad thing to us, you could be sucked into that way of thinking. Don't you think? No. You don't think so? You don't think so because you're you, and you grew up wild. You grew up, your parents died young, you were really on your own in a lot of ways. I mean, you were taken in by people's generosity, like your friends and families. Yeah, but I had a mom until 14, and it's weird because... But that's... See what I'm saying? That's young. 14 is very young. I think my mom was pro-American, dog. Right. Here she was, had a bookmaking bank, was involved in heroin and shit.

56:11Right, but I'm saying it's very difficult to look at the world like this is how you developed. It's very difficult to step back and say, okay, how much of who I am is my environment? I'll tell you what. When I was a kid, I didn't buy into the Boy Scouts. I didn't buy into none of that shit. I never bought into clubs. I never bought into none of that shit. Well, you grew up very streetwise. What? You grew up. You've got some stories about your stepfather. Right. But up to the age of 10, I wanted to be a white kid, an American kid. I came here from another country. I grew up on Dick Van Dyke. So did you feel insecure? I wanted to. To this day, I'm insecure about it. Really? About being Cuban? No, I'm not about being Cuban. But my big thing was to be an American. My mother came here for me to be an American. Everybody wants to be everybody else. There's white kids who want to be black.

56:54Black kids want to be white. No, no, no, no. When I came to this country, my mom stressed it. We came here for you to be an American. One time on a bus, some kids were talking in Spanish, and they were going to beat the teacher up because the guy threw them off the fucking bus and made them walk home. Right. And I walked in the house, and I told my mom. My mom's like, I don't know what you're upset about. This is America. You came here to do this. My mom raised me to be an American, and I seen some of the shit I bought into. I'm hearing a song in the background right now. Well, I'm proud to be American. And some of the shit I didn't buy into. It's just the way it happens. I never bought into a lot of that shit. I'm allowed to vote now. I haven't had a felony in 15 years. You can vote now? I can vote now, but I don't want to vote. That's what happens? It's a 15-year break-off?

57:34Yeah, yeah, it's 10 years. 10 years? But I don't want to vote because what were my choices last year? Palin, the old guy, and Obama. All three of them were bad choices. Okay. They weren't intelligent. I mean, you know what I'm saying? So part of me is in. The other part of me isn't. Okay. Okay, what happened with, didn't you have someone hostage? Can you talk about that? Yeah, yeah. Can you talk about what happened? In 1987, I was 27 years old, whatever. I was working in Boulder. I was going to school at night, and I was snorting coke with three hands. And I fucking got involved with some kid, and he was going to rob his roommate, and I ended up robbing them, both of them. And then the guy that I had as a partner was going to rob me. What a tangled web we weave when we tangled the disease. and it just so happens that the guy got caught. I told him the guy

58:19I didn't want nothing to do with it even though I had the coke with me. I sent the coke to Aspen but the other guy, the guy that tried to rob me, he ended up getting pulled over with the guy who he kidnapped in the trunk of his car all fucking bandled up and shit. So I got arrested for the kidnap, kidnapping too and everything but you know what? I fucked up. It wasn't because I fucked up. It wasn't because America. Listen bro, 10 to 7, I got a ticket this morning for $200. 10 to 7 this morning? Both of you motherfuckers were sleeping. I was going to Tai Chi at 7, so I had to drive there. So my wife said, if you ever go to Tai Chi at 7, you might as well drop me off at the train station. I usually walk her every morning to the train station. But I drove her. There was a lunch truck there. I couldn't pull over, so I pulled by where she crossed the street.

59:01When I made the right, when I made the left, there was a cop on me. He goes, bro, the bus driver's complaining. He goes, it's a $1,000 ticket. I have to give you a $200 ticket for parking instead. Is that okay? And I took the ticket, and I was not angry at him. I went to Tai Chi. I did my thing. I didn't mention it. He did his job. This is America. He did his fucking job. You follow what I'm saying to you? A lot of people got pissed off at this guy for pulling me over. He did his fucking job. You know, when I kidnapped that guy, I kidnapped him. I did that. I got four years. I got all fucking easy. They should have thrown me in there for 10 fucking years. But people don't really see him. How much time did you actually do? 18 months, 16 months. That's a long time. But it cost me two years of my life. You don't know what your life, how precious. Was it horrible? No, it wasn't horrible.

59:42I could do it standing on my head. But the only people that... That's gangsta talk. I could do that time standing on my head. Listen, when you do time, bro, and you do time, guys like you, it's just another day in paradise. They're going to take us to a place where we get the bullshit about jiu-jitsu instead of two hours a day, eight hours a day. You follow me and you eat and whatever. Your freedom gets lost, which sucks. But it's the people at home. It's not you or whatever. I can do whatever the fuck. Bro, my genes are from Cuba, motherfucker. Tell me about... I smoked the weed Castro smoked before he went to the mountains to take over. You understand me? Now, what was a typical day in prison like for you? Like at that six months. You're in there six months. What's a typical day? Living like a doctor. You liked it. Bro, you got to remember, I went to prison for four years.

60:24I got sentenced. But guess what I became? I became a stand-up comic. I learned how to do stand-up comic in prison. In prison? On Thursdays. What? They used to have movie night. I didn't even know that. Dog, they used to have movie night on Thursday night. So the projector would always fuck up like Ustream. It would always fuck up. Joey, talk in the microphone. It would always fuck up. So on Thursdays, the people just jokingly, I would always go, what the fuck is wrong with the projector? And everybody would say, Cuba, get up there and talk. So I would go up there on Thursday nights. It was 200 people, and like 100 of them were black. So they'd go, Cuba, go up there and talk. And I would make fun of the black guys. What would you say? We'd make fun of the kitchen. The fucking kitchen. This is the beginnings of your stand-up career. What did you say? We used to make fun of them.

61:05That's how the movie starts. Bro, the first day in prison, they made me a baker. You know, you don't tell people what you want. It's like Cuba. Like, yeah, on the outside, I was a mechanic. Really? Well, in here, you're a baker. You know what I'm saying? Here's a book. Learn how to make bagels. And I made these cinnamon rolls, dog, that almost blew up the kitchen, right? These motherfuckers were big. So that afternoon, they fired me as a baker, and they made me a fucking dishwasher and a stockroom clerk, right? So I was a dishwasher and a stockroom clerk. And whenever they had shitty meals, the guys I knew when they were going through the line, I would yell, Don't do it. So I would go, don't do it. How often were the meals bad? Three times a week. But it didn't matter because at lunchtime, I was allowed to go to the store for 15 minutes.

61:48I worked it out where I had to drive to take garbage out. So I would go to the store for 15 minutes. Not only that, I would call in my owner at the Chinese restaurant. So it would be ready by the time I got there. So I would go back to the prison with Chinese food and groceries. That's how strong I was in there. Plus, I didn't fuck around in there. Plus, they were doing steroids and selling drugs. In prison? Please! Like a motherfucker. So I was in the stockroom clerk So they had to pay me rent So I Because they never So you stocked You stocked the roids I would say to you Yeah I'll hold your roids But you gotta give me Oh my god You gotta give me $3 You know You gotta give me $3 That's all about dollars You gotta give me some cigarettes So I had roids Cigarettes I had pills in there They weren't mine They just belonged to other people But you put them under pallets

62:31So I would give them a key Whenever they needed to go Take shit out of them So they knew with a connection I was the No I was the The holder Plus How did they get the steroids in? Somebody had to put it up their ass? Yeah, whatever. I don't know. They got a bag. I don't know. I never asked. Can you imagine shooting a steroid in your body that somebody had up his ass? How did they smuggle it in again? Up their ass. Because they were contact. And then they put it where? They're contact visits. Right. What you do is you take your fucking kid and you fill his pockets with the yum-yums. And while you're making out with your husband, you say, you want to see the kid? And you pass the kid to the husband. And he takes the drugs out. Then he gives you back the ugly kid. That makes me sorry. That's how Henry Hill did it. That's how they do it. Same shit.

63:08It's no, you can, bro, there's more drugs on the inside than ones on the outside. And to boot, this was a minimum security camp. We had contact visits. When you have a contact visit, there's parties every night. You know what I'm saying? These motherfuckers. That's the first time I did it. No, it was like the second time I did heroin. And I couldn't do a needle. So the Mexicans took a Mexican thing of heroin, melted it. I had to put like a funnel in my nose made out of paper, and they dripped it in my nose. and I got up, I had like candle wick burning out of my nose. What the fuck is this? They're like, that's heroin, man. Be cool. I was like this for like a day. And then the white dudes, the bikers would give me speed and they would play basketball all fucking night on speed, the bikers. They'd be out there for hell's angels, bound me,

63:51and I'd be out there with them huffing and puffing. Every week was a new adventure. I did every drug. But the drug of every... He's crazy. You had a great time in college. I was out there fucking I fucking That could be dude That's a movie That's the movie Minimum security prison Where everyone's partying And it's just The greatest time ever And it's like When you get When you You know You get released It's like Terrible It's like you die No no Then I went to the To the funeral Which was even better You gotta talk in the mic People keep complaining I was I was When I go to the Halfway house It was even better Because I started Loaning money out To the Invix As a loan shark The Invix Yeah because they Want to go out But if your rent's not paid on Thursday, you're not allowed for the weekend. So the rent would be $65. So I'd give him $65 for $92. You know what I'm saying?

64:40Like, I'm going to give you $65, but you've got to give me $92 tomorrow. And I had 10 guys on that row. Bro, I was a fucking machine in there. The biggest scam I had at the camp, the biggest scam I had was there was an old Italian dude from Brooklyn. He was like a half a mobster, and he had pool cards. And he could only do one card a week. He would make like $30. And I went up to him. I go, bro, you have a problem with these cards. I go, you're giving them to white guys. You're not getting the black population. You're not getting the fucking spics. And he goes, I don't know. They won't talk to me. I said, give me the fucking cards. We're going to go partners. He went from selling one card every Monday to doing 10 with me. Because I had the brothers. I had the youngs. I had the Puerto Ricans. I had the whites. I had everybody. And it was amazing.

65:19That's why I really learned that I could really fucking do this. So on Thursday nights, they would say, Cuba, fuck the movie. Just go up there and talk about the kitchen. And all the yams would yell, don't do it. It was hysterical. It was fucking hysterical. And I would just talk about that. And then I had this one crazy black guy. This guy was Anton Spencer. His name was Spencer Antoine from New Orleans. And he was crazy. And he told me he was in there for eight years for involuntary manslaughter. And he was my mentor. That was my dog, Jack. He was fucking nuts. And he would tell me about, like one day some guy nailed him $2. And he comes to the kitchen. He goes, did you see that guy? And I go, no, I think he's packing and leaving. This motherfucker went and got a knife. He got him at the gate. The guy was getting out of jail. He's like, motherfucker, you better give him my $2.

66:02I was blown away. I'm like, this guy was old. And his parents and family had money. They had the best attorney from, bro, this guy killed somebody with his hands. And he got eight years. Beat a black guy in L.A., downtown L.A., because I was in a federal place. He beat him with his fucking hands and got eight years. And he did four for involuntary manslaughter. He had like $50,000 attorneys. But he had a knife. He had a gold tooth in his mouth. he was one of those brothers and shit that his eyes would go crazy. Why do you think the gold tooth thing really caught on the black community? Because it's fucking, it's like a pubic hair in your mouth. You know what I'm saying? It's all about blinging. You know what I mean? I know, but your teeth. Yeah, exactly. Because people look directly at your face. So you want to catch your attention. That's why you got the necklace.

66:49That's why you got the watch. But nothing beats the fucking tooth. Next, you know, that's why they bling the glasses out too. And it's like. Yeah, but that never caught on with the white community. That's where white people drew the lines. Stop. They went, we can't join you on this one. You know, white people can't join you on this one. Mayhem. What about Mayhem? Mayhem wears it as a goof. He's a character. In real life. Okay, listen. In real life, Mayhem ain't walking around with a grill on. He does it like part of it is like to be silly to be Mayhem. But it's not like he wants to be wearing a nice style grill like fucking Little Wayne or something. I don't know. I think he really likes it. Okay. If that is the case, if Mayhem does, that's one. out of like, you know, how many wiggers are there out there? Hey. A big number. It's a giant number. And they're not out there.

67:34I'll tell you what. Paul Wall, right? He's a white guy. He's got a show. Right? But there's not, you know. One thing about white guys that wish they were black, they are one, they have all one thing in common. They will deny that they would rather be black than white. They'll deny that shit no matter what. Yeah, you can, no, I'm happy to be myself. You know what I'm saying? It's just a hip-hop culture thing. It's just where I'm from. It's a hip-hop culture thing. It's where I grew up. I grew up like this. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? It's all about the game. It's all about the hip-hop game. Meanwhile, they got an oversized NBA jersey. Meanwhile, he's got red pubic hairs. You can't talk like that if you've got red pubic hairs, son. They try extra hard. White guys who want to be black, they have to try extra hard. That's crazy, though. But continue with Eddie.

68:18What I was telling you was that I went in there every Thursday. I get on stage and then one day, this is fucked up, Joe Rogan, this is why I really dig you. Because one day the guy in the library was like a nerdy dude. The guy that ran the library. And I was friends with him. We did acid. He was very into Nostradamus. And he was intelligent. But he had some problem or something. He went to prison. And the funny thing was that one day he came up to me in the jail. And a notebook was a big thing. And I was getting ready to get out. And I never even thought about it. He came up to me and then he goes, hey, bro, I got your notebook. And I go, what's the notebook for? He goes, so when you get out, you can write some jokes. He goes, every week you write jokes. I never see the notebook. And I looked at him, and I go, I don't even write. And this motherfucker went nuts.

69:02He goes, you don't write, and you go up there every week and do that. He goes, when you get out of here, you really, it was like an angel. It was like an angel. I never seen the guy again. I never heard from him again. He just goes, what I watch you do, you really need to write and get it together. Wow. Because you have a gift. Just pursue this. And that guy never even talked to me. Like, he never used to talk to me at all. Just set it out of the blue. Out of the blue came up to me when they go, wait, wait, wait. I got your notebook. The black guy, right? No, a white guy. A white nerdy guy. A different guy. Oh, okay. That was like a really nerdy guy that would always roll his own cigarette. So some random guy came up to you and told you, he goes, you got talent. Yeah, like at the library. Do you think that if you didn't go to prison, if you didn't have that experience

69:38of talking in front of those people that you probably never would have done stand-up or would stand up something that was in the back of your head anyway? It was in the back of my head. The prison really woke the animal up because not only that. And you thought about it before. I had thought Bro if anybody Because you had to be funny Before prison right Anybody who heard Yeah The niggas crazy By Richard Pryor You had to think of He pushed it so hard In that So but before prison You were always The life of the party And all that kind of shit Yeah I thought I was always good At the deli I was always Who loved telling stories Yeah I was always good With that shit And then the thing That really got me Was when you go to prison They do a diagnostic on you And I like to get An attorney now To really That's the only thing That irks me about my life Like a lot of times People say

70:16Oh I slept with this guy With me is I always wanted to know who was on that paperwork because it was an intense psychological evaluation. It just wasn't a guy with a piece of paper saying, what do you think when you see a star? They put shit in my head, electrodes, and all this shit. It was three days of mental testing, and it was eating me alive. I wanted to know. I kept asking the counselor who was from Mississippi. He hated black people. He hated spics. He told me to my face. My counselor told me. He goes, I hate all you bug fuckers, spics and niggas. That was my counselor. He said to me, He goes, I go, bro, his name is Mr. Blue. I go, when are you going to fucking tell me what's on there? And one day he's like, you really want me to tell you what's on here, bug fucker? That's what he would call me to my face, bug fucker. He goes, I'll tell you what's on here, Mr. Bug fucker.

70:59It said that if you really wanted something and I had it, that you would take it from me. He goes, now you do what the fuck you want with that. And he threw me out of his office. And I felt like a thief for three days. That's what I read it at. But what he was trying to tell me was that anything I wanted in my life, that's what it said, that I could do. Anything you want, dog, you can do. Do it. That's what he was saying. That's what he was trying to beat around. By calling you a bug fucker? No, by saying what he said to me. And a week later he came up to me and he goes, hey, did you understand where I was going with that? He goes, you're a smart guy. You're not one of these guys. This is an experience for you. Tell us about your first stand-up gig. Do you remember it? Yeah, I remember it. What made you go up that night? Do you consider the ones in prison your first stand-up gigs?

71:43I'm talking about first official at a club. like your first time you went up but I'm thinking that if you did it how many times did you do it in prison? you really were doing like open mic night I was doing every Thursday for about 90 days so you've done a bunch of times so you had material, did you have material planned out? did you have stuff that you repeated? no? can you imagine repeating a joke in front of those yams and shitting all those crazy woke out Mexicans, that's the first time I really knew about the whole heritage they would sneak in fucking green chili burritos tremendous Really? Who had the best tattoo artists? Was it the Mexicans? Mexicans always have wild-ass fucking prison tattoos. I was in jail with three generations of Mexicans at one time. I was in jail with the grandfather, the Aiellas, the father, and the son. Whoa.

72:27That's really, once you start seeing that thing, you're like, wow. That needs to be in a movie right now. I'm like, this is fucking crazy. And I always wanted to shoot somebody and be a criminal. I'm to that point. I didn't, you know, I always thought about that my life deserved more than to spend it in here. That's what prison did for me, bro. If people come up to me and go, how bad was prison? Prison is how bad you make it for me, for fucking me. It opened my eyes. I became a stand-up comic. It just gave me that opportunity to see. By the way, did you see the show about that dude that robbed millions? What's that guy's name two years ago? The guy that went away. The Punzi Schemes. If you get a chance, watch that on fucking MSNBC. What is the show on? MSNBC. On Bernie Madoff? Yes, where they took him to prison. He's in North Carolina now.

73:12He went right in there and teamed up with the fucking mob. He paid people. And he don't give a fuck, that guy, about people. Well, you talked into, did people have to tell you that you were funny, that you should go on stage? Did people tell you that you should do that? Yeah, tell us about the first time on stage. Or if you don't remember, I would consider the first time he was on stage the time you were on stage. Okay, the first time outside of prison. Right. The first time I was in prison. Because my first time on stage was an open mic night. But before I went to the open mic night, it was the locker room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I understand that. I understand that. I like your first night officially as a comedian. It's an interesting one. Let's hear yours. But I'm so curious about yours. The truth of the matter is, now that you get down with it, you don't remember.

73:51About a month ago, I got a call from a friend of mine, and we were talking that I hadn't talked to. I hooked up with him on Facebook, and he said something to me. He goes, bro, I knew on that bus ride home that you were always going to be an entertainer. And I asked him, I go, what are you talking about? He goes, do you remember after freshman basketball, you would get on the bus and fucking go off every night? he goes it got to the point where the bus drivers wouldn't pick you up anymore because we used to go on and do the theme from the odd couple and then I would go into a fucking 20 minute skit all the way until we got to the thing and I even wrote a blog about it that after he told me that like I called a bunch of people from those days and I go bro what did we used to do on the bus and they were like you don't remember we used to take all the fucking buses

74:32the number one bus from 90th street to 38th street we ran and you were the fucking host of MC and I'm like wow and I started thinking I'm like that's right so if I really go to that that was freshman year basketball wow where I used to light the buses up every time and they wouldn't fucking pick I remember that like being out there for two different bus drivers and they would pick you up because you guys are too fucking loud wow that's hilarious but then in school you know no one ever considers that maybe this guy should be a stand-up comedian they just go we got to silence him we got to stop this we got to teach some discipline to you the lack of discipline is really what makes someone a comic though I wasn't a stand-up at all like in that sense like growing up but I was always every year I was always if I if depending on the teacher I had because junior

75:18high you have in high school you have like seven teachers I was always the dude to start shit play pranks and always unless the teacher was mr enders you never did shit you just fucking he was a bad motherfucker he goes you want to act up you want to you want to talk we talked about this before on the podcast. Who's Mr. Enders? Mr. Enders, 10th grade, I think, geology, I don't remember. There's no way to tell, you know, the funny thing about someone becoming a comic is there's no one who could have pulled you aside and said what you really need to do is become a comic. It's like you almost have to experience all this resistance to your personality, to regular life, then that forces you into being a comic. It's like if someone can't just come up to you and go, this is what you really need to do. You really need to be a comic. You need to go through all the bullshit in life

76:04to experience that before someone comes along and tells you. How old were you when you first got on stage? 30? 30? 29? I was 21. It would have been better if I was 30 because when I was 21, I didn't have shit to say. I have no opinions about anything. Can a 15-year-old comedian stand up? Because there's a lot of guys. Yeah, they can be funny. Can they be funny? They can be funny if that's what they – my problem was when I was 21, my whole life from 15 to 21 was all just Taekwondo tournaments and kickboxing. That's all I did. That was 24 hours a day. That was all I thought about. I didn't really consider the world. I didn't want to be a loser, and I wanted to be really good at Taekwondo, and I wanted to win the nationals, and I wanted to compete in the Olympics. I had all these ideas. But I didn't know about fucking politics. I had no clue as to what was going on in the world.

76:56I didn't even think about it for a second. All I thought about was this and getting laid. That's all I thought about. So when I started going into comedy, I literally had no opinions. I know how to kick somebody in the head, and I know I like pussy. It's all the jokes are pussy jokes. My jokes were sex jokes for like the first year and a half. That's all I wrote. Because when I'm 21 years old, what the fuck kind of opinion did I have that was interesting on anything? If I told you anything about anything other than sex or kicking somebody in the head, you would already know what I was going to say way in advance. I didn't have enough life experience. My life experience was very limited. I hear that a lot, that people are too young to sing. Maybe they don't have a lot of life experiences. If you're the kind of comedy you do, where you look at you, look at you, you stupid fuck.

77:38You know, you do that kind of comedy where you point some shit out. Well, you can't point some shit out at 21. You're not seeing it. People are not going to listen to me. They're not going to listen to you unless you're some super genius. And even then, it's probably not going to be funny. You know, I just, I wrestled with it for a while. I was a roofer after I got locked up. I roofed for one week. I roofed for fucking two or three years. I sold some cars. I went to school, and then I was sick and tired of people telling me, try it. And I was getting breakfast one morning. I opened up a paper, and there was a stand-up comedian class for $33, and I took it. I was not funny at all. I was not a funny person. I wasn't funny until I started doing Taekwondo, and we would fight and compete in tournaments, and everybody would be nervous.

78:22You'd be nervous even in the locker room when you're about to go work out, because somebody might just get kicked in the face and knocked out. It happened all the time. Guys got knocked out in class all the time. They get kicked in the face. And you would get fucking terrified. And so I was always cracking jokes to break the tension. I was always the guy who was doing impressions of other people on the team. That was the first time that I became funny. Because other than that, I didn't think I was funny. I loved comedy, though, man. God damn. I just thought the idea of it was so crazy. The first time I saw Richard Pryor live on the Sunset Strip, I couldn't fucking believe this guy was just talking. He's on stage just talking. It was one of the most profound moments of my young life. I was like 13, I think. I was in the audience, and I was just looking around,

79:01and people were falling out of their chairs laughing. And I was holding my stomach. I remember my stomach was hurting because I was laughing so hard. And I was thinking, how crazy is it? This guy's just talking. He's just talking, and what he's saying is way funnier than any movie I've ever seen. I was thinking of Stripes at the time because Stripes was this amazing movie. You know, Bill Murray, the funniest guy ever, and Chevy Chase, and they're together in this movie, and it's incredible. This was way funnier. and this is just a guy talking. He was just talking. Delirious is what got me. I was like, I think 13, 12 or 13 when that came out and me and my brother watched it at his girlfriend's house who lived with her mom and we were watching it with my brother's girlfriend. We were fucking dying because they're the only ones that had like, I think it was a VCR or something.

79:43No one had VCRs. We were dying. Then the mom came home and we stopped laughing and she was standing right there. We just froze. We're like, oh shit, we're going to get busted. Delirious was destruction. Yes. She stood there, heard fucking Eddie Murphy go off, and she didn't say shit. She didn't say hi or nothing. She was fucking... We didn't laugh at all. She went upstairs, bam, and then we're like... That was the funniest shit ever. Suppression. Ever. Yeah, Delirious was at the time. He took it to a whole new level. The destruction... It's terrible now, but... Yeah, it's not good. Isn't that funny? Isn't it funny? When I was a kid, man, that was the best shit ever. That was the greatest shit ever. Comedy does not hold up, man. A lot of it does not hold up Most old stand-up comedian You ever want to listen to some old Bob Hope shit? It'll make you want to jump out a fucking window

80:31Lenny Bruce too Are you kidding me? But some of it is fucking hilarious The timeless shit is early kinescent That will always be funny Lenny Bruce has a few timeless moments He's got this Homosexuals, they want to make homosexuals illegal So dig this, this is what they do They take a guy who's gay And they put him in prison with a bunch of guys Who want to have sex with him I mean come on man He knocked that shit Out of the park In like 1950 But you know what That's funny That's funny That would stand up now When you go Dig this man Dig man Dig this man So catch this But towards the end He went crazy Towards the end He would just go on stage With his legal papers And read from his legal documents He was out of his mind He was fucking nuts bro He was riding that train too What's another classic Lenny Bruce There's not that many It's classic Is that it Oh yeah He had one about He goes

81:19Catholics man I don't think they get it You know, it's like, you know, Jesus comes back. You think he wants to see a cross? It's like a guy walking around with an electric chair on his neck. So let me ask you something. Lenny Bruce did that first? Yes. Before Bill Hicks? Before Bill Hicks, yes. Yes, yes. Wow. Yeah, that was Lenny Bruce's joke. Wow. That's pretty deep. When I heard Bicentennial Nigger and his son, I said Richard Pryor. Richard Pryor, son. What was the best shit from that? Bicentennial Nigger. There's so many good bits. Give me a classic. You'd have to look at it. It's like a couple. Well, the best one from whatever is, hey, man, say, nigga, you with the cape. Why are you looking at people's window? What's your name, boy? Dracula? What kind of name is that for a nigga? Where you from, fool? Transylvania? I know where it is, nigga.

82:04You ain't the smartest motherfucker in the world, you know, but you're the ugliest. Oh, yes, you ugly motherfucker. And what's that dirt on the back of your neck? You a filthy little motherfucker, too. You better go home before the sun come up. I ain't lying. See your ass in the day. You live and look at it. Rest it. You want to suck what? Suck some black niggas. You some kind of freak boy An ugly freak Oh that shit Damn Joey Dude you just cracked him That was my heart That was my heart guys I listened to that He had Mudbone in there Oh Mudbone Chinese restaurant Give me another Give me another Little sound bite That was beautiful man One more Another sound bite Our gang Mudbone goes to Hollywood Chinese restaurant When he told I knew Jesus Yeah I met that nigga At the railroad depot I told him Don't you go down there Messing with them Jews without no money. Fire was the genius.

82:56That was great. But Bison told me when he goes to the baptism and a face like a lion and a body like a serpent. I don't know about you, but I don't want to see no motherfucker that looks like that. You're fucked up. Man, when I was a kid, when I was in high school, me and my girlfriend, Bethany, we used to come home from high school and I had a cassette player and listened to Richard Pryor cassettes and just giggle because we knew we shouldn't be listening to this. Just giggle and laugh. Dude, there was this guy that I work with at UPS. We work next to each other on an assembly line where we're sorting boxes. There's a fucking conveyor belt with boxes and we're sorting. When did you do that? That's a nightmare. Dude, dude. That's a four-hour shift. That's a nightmare. From 2.30 to 7.30. That was my life. Oh, my God. My life was waking up at fucking 1.30. Oh, that's a terrible job.

83:43Waking up at 1.30 was my life. But you know what? If you had kept that job today, they would have paid you out for $2 million. Dude, that's a fucking... My buddy just got bought out. Yeah? My buddy did that. Can you imagine he had the same job since high school? Oh, my God. He would have to go on 11, 15 and work till three. In high school, as a senior and junior. But guess what? When UPS went public, they paid that motherfucker $3 million. $3 million? When they went public, because he had 30 years of stocks. They were just giving away stocks. Like, just give this guy. He's a part-timer. That was a nightmare, man. That motherfucker got so much money. He stopped talking to his brother and everything. Stop talking to his brother. The brother called. He's like, bro. brother have business investment opportunities people always have business investment opportunities

84:22no there was this guy this black guy that I worked next to we fought a lot man we had box wars and shit it's it's a long story man he was pissed off that his his conveyor belt was busier than mine and I was the new guy he was fucking pissed but anyways he would always have a ghetto box and he fucking played andrew there's a black guy named phil collins a black guy named phil collins he was always angry that he got the busy belt boxes were coming he'll throw boxes at me and shit and I'm like god damn it this sucks I gotta quit but anyways he would always play Andrew Dice Clay in a ghetto box he knew Andrew Dice Clay every at that point it was like 1990 Andrew Dice Clay had a couple he had a few CDs at that point he knew everything he would put a different one the day the laughter died he was just going back and forth that was my story about comedy

85:16By the way, I've got to tell Joe while we're on this subject, because it's very interesting. I used to always tell you about UPS. People used to always tell me how they used to ship ship on UPS, and I'd take them aside and go, don't ship nothing on UPS, because my buddies ran the Paramus one. And all UPSs, they have a little gate where they have Rolexes and diamonds, because they ship all the world's diamonds on UPS. A lot of people don't know that. And they have a gate. So when that bell goes off, that means the security gate opens, and they would have these conveyor belts. And these guys would have to sort shit out. Well, my gangster buddies would taste shit and throw it under the conveyor belt, and it would get stuck and rip open. Oh, dude, I ripped off shit from the heat.

85:55My buddies used to show up with Rolex Presidentials, bitches, and they were selling for $10K cash, selling three a week, making $8.50 an hour at UPS, selling three Presidentials. How did they not know there was so many getting stolen? Because they're on insurance anyway. This is a long time. They got lost. The force of surveillance cameras. Oh, yeah. Easy, easy. The cameras would rip open because the boxes would rip. They just wouldn't take the box and throw it on the floor. Now they have tracking numbers and shit. They know where it's stopped. They would take the box and throw it in the conveyor belt so the belt would break it. The box opened. Wow. And they would say, the watch got damaged. It's in pieces. Go get it. The watch was in their fucking pocket with the warranty and everything. So a $20,000 watch, they would sell three a week, these kids.

86:37Each of them would yank it 90 grand a week out of there. plus diamonds, plus anything else that came out of fucking UPS. That was the worst job ever. You don't move. You don't stop moving. It was so bad. The position I had, I thought it was a promotion. I thought it was moving up in UPS. The way you get into UPS is hard because I was working as a temp at the United States Post Office and that shit was only six months or a year or something like that and it was coming to end so I had to get another job so I had people that worked at UPS that go, dude, try UPS. It's going to be really hard to get in though they hire three out of 30 people that they come in they bring 30 people and they hire three and I'm like dude they're looking for warriors dude it's really hard it's really hard 230 to 730 and they work you four hours like a fucking dog but they paid you eight bucks an hour

87:24and minimum wage back then was 335 so it was like I want that fucking money you know so I went in there and just bullshitted my way through it I went to the fucking interview and they go why do you think you're good for this job I love working in the middle at Graveyard Shift. I'm always up. I have so much energy. I just want to have so much energy at that time. I love hard work. I don't want to work retail and deal with people. I want to work in the back. So basically what you did was like what you would do to a chick. You would try to pretend that you're something you're not. Yes, totally. Dude, they called the three finalists and one of them was me. And I'm like, fuck yeah. I came and I knew I just bullshitted my way through. You guys had finalists for a job? Yeah, dude. That's incredible. It was three out of 30 people. They fucking called our name. We fucking come in.

88:09And then they take us, they give us on a, give us on a tour of UPS. This is tremendous warehouse. So did you say, I really think my career is here. Yes. All that shit. All that shit. I can see me retiring with UPS. So at first, the, when you first come in, this is one 30, you're unloading semis. Their first job is you get in the semi, though two worst motherfuckers. There's all these semis and go, you're part of the semi crew. You're just putting fucking boxes on conveyor belts. And then the conveyor comes out. and then the first guy sorts it by zip code and he has a bunch of belts behind him. And he's going for it. So I'm in the fucking truck going, fuck, working hard, going, I gotta get out of this fucking truck. I need to be in the sorders, all the dust in here. This is for the fucking slaves. Fuck this shit. So finally, I bumped up. Now I'm a splitter and they time your ass.

88:53They're like hiding in the conveyor belt. How many packages can you sort? You have to go, dude, you can't think. You're like, there's nine belts behind you and you're like fucking going crazy. But I would know when they were watching. I would know. I was like, I'm like, I'm like always looking around, always looking. I'm like, oh, this motherfucker going to tie me. I would miss sort everything. I was just miss sorting shit. They don't know who the fuck miss sorts shit. And after we would have our meeting, it was a great day. You guys did great. Like the team leader, fucking Edgar Bravo. Again, the record holder for today. The guy's on fire. He's doing great. I was the fucking dude. I was the man. And you, I really sucked. I wasn't that good, but I just can see them timing my ass. and when it was time for the big promotion way up the conveyor belt,

89:36the dude who sorts for the actual trucks that are going out. Up the conveyor belt. Yeah, they go. We go up. The promotion goes to Edgar Bravo for his fantastic work and his fantastic times. I'm like, oh, shit. How did they not? What a whack system. How did they not know you were horse-shitting them? Dude, it's whack. That's hilarious. They don't get missorted because there's conveyor belts that go for fucking like hundreds of yards, and they're going through all this shit. It's complex. By the time, down the road in the conveyor belt, they see a missword. Oh, that's a missword. It goes to the missword I own, and it comes all the way back. They don't know who the fuck missword is. They make mistakes all the time. You don't know what the fuck's going on. They're fucking idiots. Well, anyways, I thought I got a promotion, got a 50-cent raise, and I'm sitting there back-to-back like me.

90:19You're sorting for people behind you, and I'm sorting for people behind me, and it's me and Phil Collins, and we're going. The reason the guy quit, I didn't know he couldn't handle working with Phil Collins because Phil Collins was just this mean fucking black guy. Really cool. Before work started, everyone told me, what about the Jets? Oh, my God. Did you see fucking Boomer Esiason? He was on fire. Everybody was really fucking cool at 2 o'clock in the morning. But once it starts, you start fucking getting pissed. And he would get pissed that I was getting help because I was new. I was fucking out. The guys were always helping me, the managers, but they weren't helping him. So fuck, man. That was the worst job ever. I ended up quitting. They were begging me to come back because to get a guy to get... It takes like two months to fucking have that shit wired. It takes a long time.

91:04And until you get it wired, the fucking guy's got to help you. The manager's got to help you. They don't want you to quit. We just put in a fucking nine months in with you. You better not quit. I would quit. They were begging me to come back. I'm like, I'm gone. My back hurts. I faked a back injury. I just... Give me the fuck out of here. Well, we're all happy you did that. Yeah. Because then we would have lost you, bro. You would have been a UPS. Dude, I would have been a... You would have been a blue belt by now. You would have been a UPS. Only a blue belt You would have never gone to Abu Dhabi You would have been fucked up Thank God for Phil Collins If you're out there Thank you man Thank you Phil Collins How do you spell it? I ran from that gentleman P-H-I-L-C-O-O-C-O-L-L-E-N I don't remember man Because there was two Phil Collins There was a drummer

91:43And there was a guitar player from Phil Collins Def Leppard Def Leppard Who you think you're dealing with Some fucking novice here You know what I'm saying What's up dog What's the song of the week? How about fucking You can't play songs on us Alright we fucked up I'll throw you on the way It's only one laptop I was listening to Leonard Skinner, who I never even seen coming out of the woodwork. But I heard, whatever. Free Bird. Oh, my God. They ain't fucking around, Doug, were they? Yeah, Leonard Skinner had some fucking jams. Them and the Alden brothers, those. Sweet home Alabama to this day. He says, turn it up. Oh, my fucking Lord. Come on, man. Turn that motherfucker up. All-time jam. That's an all-time jam. Fuck the rent money. So what you got going on this weekend? I got nothing, man. I was going to go to South's, and I don't know what happened then.

92:27South's Comedy Hall is temporarily closed down because he's got no liquor license. You're not doing nothing this weekend? Just chillaxing. I've got to keep writing. Austin, you guys are doing a gig in Austin. Yeah, that's the 14th. That's the 14th. That's a Wednesday? I've got Bray next Wednesday. It's a Tuesday. It's a Tuesday. UFC's on a Wednesday. It's Tuesday night. Joe Rogan, Joey Diaz. Ari, too? Ultimate fighter. Ultimate fighter. Ari, just you and Joey? Just me and Joey. In Austin? Beautiful. I'll be there, too. I'm in Bray next Wednesday. Laughing. Doing my thing, too. Next Wednesday, Bray? Yeah. Oh, next Wednesday is your monthly show? Yeah, I got a bunch of shows. Who's doing that with you? I'll do that with you. Yeah, I got a couple people coming down. Let me know what's cracking. Yeah, I'll do that. That's really getting big. It's been a lot of fun lately.

93:07Yeah, you've been selling that place out, right? Yeah, man. We've been doing good fucking numbers. Every month, Joey does... Where can they find out about the show? The Breyer Improv at improv.com. 714-482-0700. Where can they... Do you have a schedule? Call for tickets. When are you going to be there? Is it joeydeers.com? If you go on the Brea schedule, it has me on there. Do you have your website updated? No. I have the Beauty and the Beast website updated. You've got to update your website. Your website, I mean, you're always doing something, you know? I've got a lot of people that would like to know where you're going to perform. They know. They fucking know. We need to get you a real website with a real schedule. You hit them up on Twitter? Sure, bro. And if you don't know Joey's Twitter, it's on the Ustream page. You can see it there. Mad Flavor. Mad Flavor. M-A-D-F-L-A-V-O-R.

93:53I don't know anything about that. Brian knows all about that shit. Listen, I'm glad that you're finally at least connected to the internet and really into this. You write a lot of blogs for a while. I still write every Monday. Do you? Where do you put them up? MySpace. Joe is on the internet a lot. Still rocking MySpace. Because that's where I started with that. It's too hard to transfer them over. No, you copy and paste. Well, here's the problem. I have three different batches of people. My Facebook has more family people on it that I grew up with. And they know, but they don't know. You know what I'm saying? My Twitter people My people on here You motherfuckers Are the best I can talk about Eating ass I can talk about Stabbing Puerto Ricans You guys are the best MySpace I go all out But there's nobody left It's like me And a couple people But I write my blog On MySpace

94:35Just because I started on there And sometimes I get If I get a lot of hits real quick I put it on Twitter or something It's kind of weird How MySpace just fucking Just fell apart It's insane I've never seen anything like it Yeah but in three years It was so popular And it just got crushed I don't know about that We just keep moving on I think Facebook Is a better product I don't even like my myspace I don't even put I don't even bother advertising for seminars at all You know yeah I don't my shows anymore my space I just keep it up for the music people want to hear my music Temporarily my music's up on my space. That's it But I don't fuck I don't fuck with the jujitsu part of it Facebook's just so much smarter with their updates and shit like you go to your timeline see all this different shit

95:11That's happening. It's kind of interesting, you know Bob's in a relationship with Lisa. Oh no shit, huh? Click this It's crazy You just get all busybody and start fucking looking through it. By the way, September 19th, I'm in Rochester at 10th Planet, Rochester with Chris Herzog. What's the date? That's September 18th. September 18th is Rochester. That's a Saturday. September 19th is the Viper Room on the Sunset Grill, the Sunset Strip. I think we got those dates wrong, man. For some reason, I believe that the 18th is Saturday. Yeah, the 18th is Rochester. And the 19th is the Viper Room. So get your tickets now. Twister Viper Room, if you want to get on the guest list, twisterbravo at sbcglobal.net. I'll put you on the guest list if you're in L.A. September 19th, Sunday, 9 p.m. This is your band? Yes. September 18th, bro. 18th is a Saturday night. Yeah, 18th is Rochester.

96:06Okay, so the Sunday is the Viper Room. Yes, yes. Sunday night, Viper Room. And the Monday is a holiday, so come on, bitch. Is it really? There's a grand opening of a UFC gym on the 18th. I'm going to Rosemead. Oh, shit. Columbus. Columbus is September. Columbus 20th is probably Columbus Day. And October 10th is something else, I guess. Also, my new website's up. All the techniques are free on it. All the shit that I put up on my website is all free. It's stuff that I charged for before up until October 1st. So watch them all. 10thplanetjj.com. Click techniques, please. Thank you. So your chick got fucking picked up for cocaine this weekend in Vegas, that dubbing. Which one? Paris O. What happened? Her homeboy. This is what I tell you. Don't smoke in the car, cocksucker. Don't smoke in the car. Don't smoke in the car.

96:56It's a running joke that Joey Diaz will just hop into a fucking car in the middle of a police parade. It doesn't mean shit. He'll just start lighting that joint. Where's the reefer, cocksucker? What are we doing there? Are we playing games? He'll just start lighting joints. And I'm always thinking we're going to get pulled over and we're going to get, you know, this is not good. You're not supposed to smoke weed in the car. So we should have a rule. You should never smoke weed in the car. Don't smoke weed while I'm driving. I don't. It just smells it up too much. This is the reason. For like an hour, you're vulnerable, you know. Well, not only that. It's just stupid. She was smoking. The windows were open. And the fucking smoke got out. And there was a bike cop or something. Yeah. And right away. She drove right by him and he's smelling weed. He smelled the weed.

97:35So he pulls him over and finds coke in her car. Well, this bitch has to go to the bathroom, goes to the bathroom, forgets to. You know, when you get pulled over, the first thing you do is you take that illegal substance, put it in your fucking snatch. Especially if you're abroad. If you're a guy, put it in your ball sack. Where did this happen? In Vegas. Ooh. Ooh, yeah. Is she in jail? No. No, she got let out. But at three quarters. Nancy Grace was very upset. Who is she to be let out of jail? If it was you or I, we would be in there right now. Three quarters of a G-boat, bro. Speaking of Dr. Phil, I've read some stuff in the tabloids that he's having trouble with his wife. Is that all bullshit? Is that bullshit or is that real? What do you think? Oh, man. Who is the fuck? That guy is worth it. No, no, no. I don't give a fuck about anything.

98:17Dr. Phil is worth like hundreds of millions of dollars, and I bet your bitches bomb on it. No, no. What I'm saying is I don't give a fuck what anybody does in their own life with their marriage. I don't wish any harm in their marriage. I hope everyone fucking is happy. That motherfucker, Dr. Phil, I'm going to enjoy watching his life fall apart. Why? he's a fucking idiot, man. I hate that guy. Wow, strong words. I hate that fucking guy. He's a fucking backstabber to the male gender. Come on. That guy's the biggest fucking traitor. He's hustling. Whatever. Every day I'm hustling. Every day I'm hustling. It's going to be funny to catch him busted with hookers and shit like that. That's going to be fucking hilarious. It's going to be interesting what does happen to him. He's going to have to be very careful about his image if he does get divorced. He could be total horse shit

99:04and he could be getting along with his wife great. But if he gets divorced and he's out there wilding, he's out there dating, because there's going to be bitches that want to set him up, try to get on TMZ. How about the Dr. Phil sketch that was on the Man Show? There was a two-parter. Remember that shit on the Man Show? It was a reality when a guy that was posing as Dr. Phil had a fake book signing and people showed up and thought it was him. Oh, yeah, that's right. And he was saying all kinds of crazy shit. Yeah, like the girls were in line. They didn't even know it was him. It looks like him. It did. But it probably didn't fool everybody. but man it was a total punk like he would say I got some coke back in the hotel room you down and girls would be like yeah let's do this girls were down and then he was making moves on this one chick and from under the table

99:49a girl came out like he had been getting a blowjob and just walked away and he just kept talking you want a party get your friends let's go I got some coke and they were fucking down it was so funny that sketch it was so much material It was the only comedy, it was the only man show sketch that had two parts. They did it again the next week. There was so much material, man. Yeah. It was too funny. If Stan Hope and I had a real show where we could have really done what we wanted to do, it could have been very interesting. There was two problems with doing that man show. One was that I was doing Fear Factor at the same time. That was crazy days. Crazy days. In the middle of all that man show shit, I'm training for Abu Dhabi. I'm looking for the man show, depressed out of my mind. It was the worst from day one inside. I wanted to kill myself.

100:34I'm like, this fucking is not what I thought it was going to be. Well, when it started out, what it was supposed to be was supposed to be. We would be able to do whatever we wanted. The way they sold it to me was explain the beginning. Explain the beginning how they offered you the show. I was doing fear factor and they were saying, we want you to take over the man show. And I was like, with who? You know who? And they said, well, we have a short list of peoples or anybody that you would want to do it with. And I'm like, there's only one guy, Doug Stanhope. I go, that's the only way it would work. I go, he's the only guy that's like that. that fits right in there with me, my sensitivity, my sensibility, rather. And so they said, well, you guys would be perfect. You could do it. I'm like, but it would be too restrictive. They're like, no, no, no, you don't understand.

101:10A lawsuit would be good for us. The guy actually said this to me. He said, if we got sued, okay, it would be great publicity. It would be great. And at that point. This is what we want to do. We want to do nudity, blur it out. If you want to swear, beep it out. Essentially, you could do anything that you would talk about. And real quick, we already had like 10, 15 ideas for sketches even before that. So this was like a perfect thing. I remember you called me and go, dude, the fuck Comedy Central wants me to take over the man show. How fucking crazy is that? We were just, we were thinking. So anyway, what happened was, yeah, totally. It was very strange. And they came up to me and they basically just gave us a story about what they were going to be able to do for us. We're going to have some show. It's going to be completely wild. You can do whatever you want.

101:47Well, once we got in there, it was a completely different story. They had like really restricted ideas about what the subject matter should be. the guy who was the executive producer wind up kind of hijacking the show and taking all the things in his direction. And this is the guy that me and Doug hired. Yes. He had his own He hired the head writer. He hated you. You and him. You remember that, right? Yeah. You remember that? The head writer. I remember you going out to dinner because before you signed, you were like, let me pick the head writer. And you said, can I hire my guys? I'm going to bring in my guy. What was your guy's name? The bald guy. Tom Giannis. No, the bald guy. The comedian. Chris McGuire. Yes. You wanted to bringing Chris McGuire and Matty Kirsch and me and they said no no whatever you want to do man whatever it's gonna you have total power you have

102:31total power dude and you're like damn and you called me go dude they're giving me total fucking power to go well I want to be able to hire the head writer you went out met with some guys and you met with Giannis let's not get too into this I know what you're saying but I don't want to throw Tom Giannis under the bus I think he's a talented guy he just did what he thought was the right show and I wasn't there well I wasn't there in the network had real serious ideas about what they wanted and you know they they they were the ones running the show and coming up with the money and they had some real serious ideas about what they thought was funny and one of them was they didn't want joey on the show and I wanted joey to come out the beginning of the show naked and introduce everybody he would come out with a microphone the handheld

103:06microphone let's get this party started and joey's dancing and everything it was probably one of the funniest things we ever did and they fought to the point of tears this fucking chick who I like very nice person she's executive she's telling me why is that funny I'm like how could it not be funny. I go, you're going to get Joey Diaz. He's going to run out naked. You pixelate his balls. The crowd's going to go crazy. It's going to put him in the perfect mood. I just don't see how this is funny. I don't see how this is funny. Tears are coming down our eyes. I go, we'll do two intros. We'll do one without it and we'll do one with it. We do one without it. You go out there, the fucking place goes apeshit. They are falling down laughing. It was hilarious. It was the best intro ever. And I got that all on camcorder. Yeah. And so then I go to her and I'm like, you know, I raise my hands up.

103:47See, told you. Like you gotta, I know what I think is funny. I'm capable of reproducing what I think is funny. You might not think it's funny on paper. You might not think it's funny as I'm describing it to you. But I know it's funny to me. And if it's funny to me, it's going to be funny to other people. It just has to be people who think the way I think. But these are the executives that went to college for four years. That's why the reason Chappelle quit. Because you've got to deal with these fucking morons. It was also the reason why it turned out. It was the reason why Adam Carolla and Jimmy Kimmel stopped doing it. It's because they gave up ownership of the show so that they could have creative control. They gave up ownership because they're tired of these idiots, and they gave up. They were like, look, look, look. You guys can have the fucking show.

104:27We just want to be responsible for what gets done. And they for sure didn't want to hire me. They said, no, no, no. Once you sign, they go, no, this Eddie Bravo has no TV experience. Why the fuck do we want him on the show? And they're like, no, we're not going to hire him. We'll hire Chris McGuire and ba-da-da. But no. Well, the problem was they didn't understand what I was trying to do. I was like, look, he says funny shit. He comes up with some funny ideas. He might not be a writer as far as he's not going to come up with a properly formatted sketch. He could eventually do that. But for right now, what he's good at, he's good at looking at things funny, smoking pot, coming up with crazy ideas. They weren't having it. They weren't hearing it. You had to yell at them. He wanted it to be his show. And I wasn't there enough. I was doing Fear Factor at least three days a week.

105:12So for three days, they would be running the show. and Doug did not feel confident enough to take over. He would send me messages. He would call me up and go, dude, it is fucking hell here. This is just driving me crazy. This fucking stupid sketch is getting in and I can't get this done. And then the Janet Jackson nipple thing happened and then we were fucked because then shit that we already had approved, they yanked out. They pulled shit out of episodes because after that Janet Jackson nipple fiasco, people who don't know, who weren't in show business, it was a lot of people, it was nothing. Some chick pulls her tit out in a video, you know, in a Super Bowl thing, rather. And it's like, who cares? It's kind of gross. It was stupid. You know, they did something, and it's over, you know. But to Hollywood, that cost people money. People were worried about sponsors pulling out.

105:56People were worried about losing commercial money, and they acted, man. They started chopping up sketches and removing bits, and everybody went on a panic. They were all sheep. They just went on this panic sheep run, banging into walls, tripping over themselves, trying to stop comedy. How about the sketch that we wrote that they originally approved and they backed out of we were going to do extreme sack fighting? Yeah. It was funny because I'll never forget the day that that all went down. Between you, me, and all three of us, I didn't want to fucking be there either. It was the worst fucking thing I was around. It was a bad energy, right? It was terrible. And I'll never forget that. I went, they made me rehearse, like jack-offs that they were. And the guy, Tom Giannis, came over and, oh, it's hysterical. We love it. Then the next day I go there and now everybody's talking about it.

106:43It was hysterical to see all these fucking educated white people walking around like they didn't know what the fuck to do. He's going to take his balls out and he's going to run. They're going to kill him. That's it. They all were arguing. I mean, you should have seen this. This is not the direction we want to go in. This is like a fucking horrid situation. They did not want to. Joe pushed this through with all his might. Nobody wanted to do it. This is not a direction we want to go in. I'm like, you hired me to do what I think is funny. You told me you want to do some crazy shit. We're going to do some crazy shit. And then they wanted me to be a juggy, a man juggy, and take a piss and show him my crack. And I was like, this ain't going to happen. When Joey came running out, yeah, they're like, we want to put him in makeup and everything. When Joey came running out, all bets were off.

107:21They had to shut up for at least that day. So we had to shoot two episodes that day. We had to shoot two episodes. And I was going to run through both of them. But even after the first one, even after they'd seen the laughter, they were like, it's not going to happen. But what got me was, I'm not familiar with this environment. I'm a fucking stand-up comic at the time. I had done a couple things, but I wasn't familiar with the whole other side of this business. Hollywood bullshit. Which is lying. So the guy who was telling me to my face how funny I am, I catch him when I get off stage telling the Comedy Central people that it was tasteless and he thought it was terrible and he's going to tell Rogan how my balls aren't funny. And I bust a dude. And all of a sudden I look at him and I fucking was raging. And as I'm at the end of the show, I'm outside.

108:02And what really happened was, because I don't give a fuck, I was smoking a joint with a security guard, with this black security guard. I whipped out a joint right on the set. You know, I don't give a fuck. And me and the security guy was like, what you doing? I go, smoking. You want to? So we went into a little nook and cranny on a Saturday. Remember, they taped on a Saturday. And we sparked up, and we got really fucking high. So now I walk in. I got to put up with all that cut Judy Brown, all that shit. And I'll say this, because I don't give a fuck. I walk in, and the guy comes, and he goes to me. That was hilarious. And I stopped, and I go, how can you say that to me? How can you say that to me? I just see you with my own eyes telling the people that it wasn't funny and he didn't see you when he was saying right he didn't see me catching him

108:42so I go how can you fucking say that to me he goes I go as a matter of fact I'm going to go in there and tell Joe and he goes you're going to go tell Joe so you're fired I go really come here and I fucking go to smack him you know me dog I don't give a fuck that guy's a pussy with his fucking bike he's a white biker I'll still smack you in the fucking mouth fuck he goes outside Yeah, he thought he was bad to the bone with his bike. He's one of these bikers from Malibu, bro. He could suck my dick. So the funny thing is he's outside by the pipe. That's when I went to hit him, by the pipe. And he hit his head with the pipe. And we're outside, and he's sitting there like, I'm not going back unless Joe Diaz leaves. You're a fucking man, and you're sitting by a pipe like a little fucking girl. And all of a sudden, my main man had to come up to me, Jeff Sussman.

109:22He goes, hey, man, they don't want you on the lot. I might as well. I got to escort you off the lot. And I remember I go, sus, walk me over there. And I went over there, put my hand on it. The guy wouldn't put his hand on it. I go, fuck you, bitch. And he just looked at me like he was a tough guy with his friends. And I remember he looked at the security guard to throw me out. He looks at the security guard. The security guard is like, we just smoked a joint, bitch. I got his back. It was very unfortunate. He was very political and very, very deceptive. Bro, he did me a favor. Yeah, no, he didn't. He didn't. We fucked up. I fucked up in a bunch of different ways on that show. But I fucked up with him. I did not know he was that guy. I thought he was a different guy. You know, he turned on you, dude. Once he got in, he wanted to do it his way.

110:04He decided that he was running shit, and it was a real problem. Remember the day one? Day one, we walk in, and we already have, we think that we have two episodes already done. Look, we've done all these sketches. That's about two episodes worth. So we walked in. He goes, we got all these episodes ready to go. Let's do them. They said, nuh-uh. You got to write some new shit. Forget about that. That's too crazy. We're not going to do that shit. Start over. Well, it's not that simple. Well, I'm simplifying it, of course. They had a bunch of sketches they had already prepared. Of course, of course, of course. Because I wasn't there that often. So this was day fucking one. And day one, they put me in a room with Chris McGuire, and they go write some jokes about Miami. We're going to go to Miami. So now I feel like I'm at high school all day. We're trying to come up with these ideas.

110:46I'm like, fuck, we have all these other ideas. What the fuck are we? Right there, I'm new. Like, this is day one, the first hour. I'm like, oh, shit. By the fucking time that nightmare day ended, Joe was there all day, too. I go, Joe, man, I just can't fucking write here. They're ignoring all the other sketches that we did. And you were like, yeah, man, I can't write here either. I mean, I had a writer's block here too. It's just not the right environment. So that day, you told Giannis and the producers, hey, me and Eddie are going to write at home. We're going to relax. That's when all the creative juices come out. They said, go ahead. Get the fuck out of here. We'll still pay them. They just wanted to get rid of me. So I only worked there the first day. And all after that was working at home. My job was, we got together a lot too, but he was really busy with Fear Factor.

111:29So if we couldn't get together, I'd have to have at least one sketch a day. So I'm at home. Meanwhile, I'm training. I'm training for Abu Dhabi going, oh my God, this is not what I thought it was going to be. Fuck, I just quit my strip club job, strip DJ job for 10 years. Now I know this isn't going to last. Day one's a disaster. I'm like, oh my God, either the show's going to get canceled because they were green lighting a bunch of bullshit. Every now and then occasionally something would be funny, like the Decapasac thing, the Doug Stanhope, that was hilarious. What we needed to do with that show was we needed to have control of it. Doug had to have control of it. And we had to have a producer that was on the same page. And the other problem we had with that show was that it was the man show. We should have been doing our own show.

112:11We should not have been taking over someone else's show. That's stupid. To me, it was like a prepackaged show that was like it was easy. It was like, you know, being on Fear Factor, I didn't really have the time to put something together. So this way, it'd be all put together. But it was a mistake. And it was disrespectful to those guys, Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla. I didn't even think it was at the time. I thought they had amicably parted ways because Jimmy wanted to do his talk show and Adam wanted to do his thing. But that wasn't the case. They didn't want the show to continue. They didn't want anybody else to do it. And it was their thing, really. So we shouldn't have done it in the first place. If I ask you a question, you know I love you to all my heart. What? Is the air conditioner close by, dog? There's like a fucking yoga class in here. Put this thing a little colder, bro.

112:50It's out in the hallway. I can go out in the hallway. We're going to end in a couple minutes anyway. You're sweating profusiously. I'm not sweating at all. You got sweat on your fucking nose. No, I don't. Or is that shiny? Dude, there's no sweat on my nose. You got makeup on, cocksucker? I got glistening. God damn it, Joe. I put some glistening oils. I want to look slippery. What time is it? It's almost 5 o'clock, or 4 o'clock, rather. Oh, man. You want to go to 420 symbolically? Want to end this at 420? I don't give a fuck. You're going to hang in there 20 minutes without air conditioning? No, it's too fucking hot. Oh, fuck. Think about what McCain went through in NOM. I don't give a fuck with that cocksucker. That was his choice. You know what I'm saying? I came up here to a house. I thought you had the air on. Who's this? The air's on, man. It's really not.

113:28What do you have in the air? We didn't even really talk about the UFC, man. Let's do it. What the fuck? Oh, yeah. Well, we might as well, right? What did you think about BJ and Frankie Edgar? I thought, you know, BJ, the game plan, like when they were in between corners, they didn't seem to have a game plan. The game plan was like kick his ass. The game plan was like there was no leg kicks. I mean, I want to see way more leg kicks. I thought he can land leg kicks. He's landing them. And every one of those leg kicks takes a spring out of your step. You're dealing with a guy who can't catch him. He's so fast. Frankie Edgar is a lightning bolt. He's all over the place. Yeah, he's too fast, man. But he was able to land leg kicks. BJ landed a bunch of leg kicks when he tried. But the attempts were not that many.

114:07I know it takes a lot of energy, but he should have been throwing a lot more leg kicks. I think BJ tried his fucking ass off. Look at the fifth round. He went after him. I just think Frankie Edgar is that good. Oh, no doubt. He's so fast. He never gets tired. He could do 25 rounds. He never gets tired so fast. His wrestling is top-notch. His striking is amazing. He's hard to hit. He's hard to get a hold of. Not taking anything away from Frankie. I just thought BJ's game plan, it just didn't seem right. The game plan, I don't agree with his advice, the advice in the corner. There wasn't any advice. They were just giving him a kick his ass. Whatever that advice or whatever you want to call it. I don't know this from that, but the last two fights against whatever, that was not the same guy seen against Diego Sanchez. There's something more there. Yeah, it could be a lack of motivation.

114:50It could be he needs to mix things up. Well, the difference between Frankie Edgar's stand-up and Diego Sanchez's stand-up, come on. It's a huge difference. But you don't understand. BJ hurt Diego early on in the fight, too. That fight was a rout. It was perfect for BJ to have. BJ didn't have any fucking tenacity in the two Frankie Edgar fights. Well, it could be because Frankie Edgar counters that tenacity with his speed. It could be that BJ gets frustrated and he gets a little disheartened. We're seeing some evolution. We're seeing an amazing wrestler with serious standing. Because for the longest time, BJ had the best hands at lightweight. No one was fucking with BJ. He was the best boxer. Now Frankie Edgar looks like his technique. I mean, it's totally different. But it seems like he's just too fast, too good. He's working too hard.

115:34And I think maybe BJ might switch, like you mentioned, a switch of camps maybe might not hurt or add something new or something. I think Frank Yeager's kicking it to a whole other level athletically, speed-wise, endurance-wise, the way he can move. His training camp must be insane. He's a fucking worker, man. He's a machine. He's one of those little dudes you can't fuck with. Someone's been fucking with him all of his life, and he built up a level of tenacity that not that many people can handle. His mentality is fucking perfect. Yeah, he's a fucking wrestler. He's got like Randy Couture's mentality, you know what I mean? And his cardio and his endurance and his will. But, you know, if you look at like the way he moves, he moves better than Randy. Oh, no, no, for sure. I'm talking about the mental game. And, you know, people are saying, oh, he's not stopping people.

116:17He's stopping some people. What you have to realize, though, is he's quite a bit smaller than everybody else in the division. He's 154 pounds for real, legit. I think ultimately he's throwing with evil intentions. He just hasn't developed the power yet. But I believe, you know, within the next couple years, two, three years, maybe five years, he's going to be crushing people. He can still hurt people. He comes in to blast 100% now with BJ. He hurt Veach, and Veach is a tough guy. You know, and he dropped him before he strangled him. And, you know, his stand-up when he was fighting with Sean Shirk, he totally out-kickboxed Sean Shirk. Yeah. He's a bad motherfucker, dude. It's going to be interesting, though, the rematch with Gray Maynard. That's going to be very interesting. Very interesting. Maynard's a hard guy to beat, man. You know, you complain all you want about his style.

116:59He presents problems. What's the solution to that problem? You've got to be able to stop him from taking you down, man. He's a powerful motherfucker, and he's a good wrestler. Or you've got to have a wicked fucking Dustin Hazlitt guard or something. Even more wicked than Dustin Hazlitt, really, right? Because Dustin Hazlitt couldn't do shit against Rick Story. He needs some fucking Aoki guard. Well, he's going down to 55 because he should be there. Clearly, Ricky Story was three times stronger than Dustin Hazlitt. Right, but so, you know, Josh Berkman's strong as fuck, too, and Dustin had no problem with him. Yeah, but I think Ricky Story is stronger than Josh Berkman, dude. Yeah, yeah. He's from Washington, and he's rolled with Gerald, one of my black belts, a lot. And Gerald, he calls me to tell me about the roles with Ricky Story. He said he's fucking amazing. He's a gorilla.

117:46He's just so powerful and good. Very technical, you know. You're going to see him start to develop some finishing, too. He's all into evolving and adding weapons to his game constantly. And he's young. He's into that. He's young and tenacious. He's so powerful. And his fucking mental game, that guy goes in there and he loves to destroy. Dude, when he attacked Hazlett up against the cage, he started ripping his body with punches. It's very hard to deal with. Hazlett was doing everything he could just to stay alive. This guy was just crushing him with punches. Boom, boom, boom. What do you think about Randy and Tony? Frankie Edgar might need to Oh, go ahead Frankie Edgar might really need to Take his guard game to the next level I was impressed with him off his back, man I was impressed at how he recovered when BJ mounted him Yes BJ mounted him, got a hold of him

118:39Usually you're dead when BJ mounts you BJ mounts you, it's usually over Frankie just fucking He's got so much energy, man He just keeps pushing, keeps pushing He doesn't give up, man He does not give up. You know, some guys rest. If BJ mounts you, you rest, and you're like, oh, fuck, now I've got to get out of this. But let me bide my time for a big explosion. Frankie, the moment he got taken down was move, move, move, move, move, move, move, move. I'm out. Yeah. Obviously, BJ's guard wasn't good enough to really threaten Frankie Edgar, really. I mean, Frankie Edgar has great defense. His jiu-jitsu is awesome, too. But what I did like about BJ is his guard recovery, his butterflies, and his foot on the hip control. God damn, it was really beautiful to see. And again, you know, he didn't really attack that much off his back, but his recovery is just amazing.

119:29He really uses his flexibility well. And when he had both his feet on Frankie's hips, that's just serious, amazing Yoda control, you know. Yeah, no, he's badass in controlling guys like that, but not enough to finish guys. It's weird that BJ is such a jiu-jitsu master, but yet he doesn't really finish guys off of his back. you know he's had problems in a lot of fights where guys can take him down and hold him down you know that was obviously the problem that george st pierre fight and that was obviously the problem when frankie edgar took him down too yeah that's but that's a problem that is prevalent