Ron White

00:00grape grape hmm it is great look at you yeah great it's great nailed it that's where i got it that looked live ron white we're live oh we are yes sir what a fancy beginning that's how i do it i like to be professional cheers my brother cheers cheers good to be here man good to be here delicious good to see you after that mentally intensive uh carbohydrate versus fat i'm done you genuinely came out of there looking exhausted it was a rough debate they were going back and forth they didn't like each other they were mocking each other a little bit but hopefully people got some information out of it two good guys they just uh different positions they don't see eye to eye joe nope what are you gonna do what are you gonna do we'll hear them out exactly what am i gonna do what are you gonna do ron white so uh apparently ron white you have a mug shot that we can add to our collection yeah

01:01i'll get one over here i'll have it framed and sent it on up yeah i mean make sure it's small enough to put on that wall out there you know so it'll be a pretty big one i'd like to have a pretty dominant spot over at the uh tell me what you need experience i'll give you a six foot tall one brother all right all right that's it six foot tall yeah get it printed it yeah it was a bad picture yeah they were really bad so what this we were talking about this this is a you got busted for weed somebody ratted you out that there was weed on your plane they didn't say there was weed on my plane they said it was a drug smuggling plane oh and uh so there's a hotline that you can call and they do these pilots that had fired and and uh and so i'm just sitting on the plane looking out the window and there's drug dogs and people invest and machine guns and i'm like what's going on out there

01:57well but you know as soon as they determined that that's not what it was that i just had some personal weed that obviously somebody called in and lied instead of going and arresting that guy they took me to jail that makes no sense at all and then in the newspaper the sheriff goes well he might not have had much pot with him but who knows how much he did have and who knows i didn't kill somebody how about we just put me up for murder right now yeah if we need no evidence at all who knows he didn't steal larceny how about that something they went they drove by through a pit they drove by three meth labs and a dead hooker just to get to my plane and really the funny part of it was the next day we were going to go somewhere else in in louisiana and uh but then now i've got a you know just weed we can get rid of that's all we can do because they they might do it again

02:47next night next place more drugs so now we've got an apple we're smoking out of there there's two of them on horseback and alex feeds the apple one of the horses as he's walking by take this little apple so they tried to check your plant again they did check it again but we we just had come up with this little plan that uh you know we would just would and he also had to eat a little bag of weed and he was really stoned on stage and uh really strong but we you know we didn't go to jail that night if you eat just just eat weed will get you high yeah absolutely will it take it takes a while but it was a big old chaw of it i mean that's a big old lip full cheek full i'm surprised people don't chew weed like there's no one out there chewing it tastes like ass dude which is why nobody eats weed even the cookies you know they gotta they gotta watch it to keep them tasty

03:38there is a growing number of people who juice the leaves and drink it yeah you know like wheatgrass juice they do it with the leaves of cannabis plant i've seen people squeeze it to make the like the concentrate outside i think they're uh they're sticking in one of those masticators is that what they called those things that make uh you know like wheat grass like yeah they can get juice out of grass it makes sense if you could get it out of i mean if you can get it out of the grass you could get it out of any plant right it doesn't you don't have yeah you don't get high though just like getting the cbd out there what's the point for health ron oh yeah you know it's like oh duels pot to tell you what's not bad either the heineken that we got we have heineken zero zero whatever the it is it does not taste bad it's not got no alcohol in it no but it but it tastes good so you

04:32don't get that annoying buzz i know that no you don't get none of that yeah because you guys had that soccer uh sober october and it looked like you were having a blast i have to admit sitting from the sideline that oh boy this sober thing looks like a blast and uh i did have a november to remember yeah we had no remember november um yeah sober october is interesting it's good to do every year i like to do it you think you'd ever do it yeah i don't think i could not how many days you think you take off uh you know really not one and be very happy about it i've got a little touch of uh alcoholism that someday i'll either deal with or i won't but you know it's it's a maintenance thing with me so a maintenance as far as uh keeping your mindset correct just feeling good like what is it yeah you know it's just uh not give a juice i don't know it's just something that i seem to

05:29require you know it's i can't wait for that first drink of the day and then i usually drink you know pretty much to excess um every single night of my life so i mean i'm not saying this is a good thing and i'm certainly not bragging because i see people that are sober and i get jealous of them i'm like wow what would that be like to you know wake up feeling good every day and i'm so committed to it i don't understand that i mean i understand why i won't just let it go uh but it's you know i know it's such a big part of you know who who people perceive me to be but it's also just a big part of how i perceived me to be well people who perceive you to be they perceive you like if anyone has ever asked me what's ron white like what do you think he's like oh great guy dr likes to drink a lot always funny yeah that's him that's you have the benefit of you don't have

06:28uh an act like you're not putting on an act but you are a character like you that but as who you are it's so much better like if people found out you were some teetotaling god like have you ever seen somebody drinks fake shots on stage yeah yeah that's rough that's a rough place to be yeah pretending to be boozing it up with the crowd come on well you know well you know foster brooks who was the best foster brooks was so good at being drunk with the teetotaler wasn't dean martin as well not as he totally i don't think so and i hear that but i've yeah i've seen him when i did the foxworthy roast i went back and washed all those roasts yeah and uh that guy was drunk and if you go watch movies he was in he was not a good actor so he was acting and him and frost and foster brooks were in the same one and brooks was just so so good and so edgy and uh but you could tell which one

07:26was really drunk and uh but yeah i think a lot of times in vegas he might have had fake drinks and you know uh or maybe people just wanted to say that because it's a little story right you know yeah but he looked like a you know looked like he was up to me have you seen that show on uh i don't know if you watch uh any amazon prime you ever seen that show the marvelous mrs maisel it's about a stand-up comic no i see i hear about it all the time and people are always saying it's really really good it's great it's well i just finished uh something today so i'm looking for the next uh watch that man especially season one season one season two was great too i enjoyed it but people didn't give season two as much uh reward as much props as they did i like both seasons but there's a woman in that is my point who hasn't she's putting on an act like she's this really highfalutin lady who

08:23pretends to be this chick from queens and she puts on a fat suit and and does this act and uh it drives mrs maisel crazy she hates it and she talks about her and it starts spoiler alert i won't say anymore but it just that trap of being a character right pretending to be something that you're not i you know i think that's and this might be a little bit of a stretch joe i don't know but you know i think that's why steve martin quit because he was a parody of a comedian and which was brilliant and and so funny uh let's get small was one of my favorite albums ever and i took it with me everywhere i went and played it for people and then took credit for how good it was even though i really had very little to do with it except for spending the money i remember when i was a kid i listened to that long before i ever did stand up he was great man right god damn he was great

09:21but he was doing 45 000 people a night when he when he quit yeah i think that was the problem i think he just got over i think i think he's like a lot of comedians they feel a lot you know they're not numb people they feel a lot i think for him like this maybe that's why i'm drinking it right now maybe i don't want to get in touch with those females everybody that's damaged feels a lot and everybody that's the comic is damaged you know i think that i think with steve martin he was just so big man i don't think i think he's bigger than you or i combined like he just would go on stage and they would go crazy it didn't even make sense to people right and also difficult for him to perform yeah he didn't know what was funny anymore and uh yeah so i think i mean it was a ballsy thing to do crazy and uh but and then he walked straight into film and you know everything he's done has been

10:22crazy crazy successful no he's he's excellent and i'd love to go see the band my uh kathy nelson my you know kathy she runs the tournament thing uh she would see the band and went back and talked to him said it was great wow i'd like to meet him he lived we lived in the same town for a while i'd like to meet him but uh never ran into him ran into jonathan winters there a couple of times what was he like he was holding court at the post office and uh 20 people around he's doing characters he's killing at the post office and so that was the second time i saw him the first time i saw him he was having lunch by himself and uh and i was with another comic and he goes yeah do you think he'd mind if we went over there and said hi an hour later we're like well we gotta go we gotta split we got to do he was robin's big influence right right yeah that's uh yeah that's true yeah he he was so zany

11:23he was so who the was like him think of that yeah it had to start with something right that's what i got i got this theory that uh there's uh two kinds of comics bridge builders and people that walk across those bridges i'm a big walker yeah i didn't invent any of this stuff i think uh well you got to go back to like richard pryor and lenny bruce those are the big ones and then kennison is a big one because kennison taught us that somebody can genuinely not like you yeah and you can still make them laugh yeah but he also taught me that you can punch down as low as you want as long as it's funny right as long as it's funny as long as you're good enough that bit that he had about starving children to this day i had an argument with a guy on the podcast about it where he was telling me that you you comedy only punches up i go that's crazy kennison had two of the best bits of all

12:16time they were both punching down one was about starving kids the other was about necrophiliacs it's bad corpses but that's as down as you can get me you're a dead body right now and both those bits were genius and it's the same with uh like it's the same with 911 you know if you're good enough of a writer yeah you can do material about that but if you if but if but you better be good you better have somewhere to go that's yeah you better have somewhere to go and and i heard a couple of good pieces i don't remember who did them but you know uh but like the week afterwards the guy that uh some guy that was the opening act was trying to riff on it and i got him over the side and i said hey dude not uh this is my stage right here and normally i don't tell at the comics what to do uh but until you have something to say about it that's uh that's really really

13:10funny you just i don't want you bringing it up yeah that's a that's a tough one because you could kill the whole show some middle act goes on and you lost friends in the towers and that was a week ago right i mean that there's like levels of tragedy that's a real tough one to find humor in i'm not saying that someone can't do it there's people people find comedy in everywhere and it's legit they do right they have a perspective it's just the eye you know how good are you and then i'm good enough to avoid those things that's how good i am i get it i get it i'm not good enough to do it patrice o'neil had a really great point about that he's like all things when someone's trying to be funny they all come from the same place just some of them miss some of them just aren't funny you can't get mad at those right because it came from the same place like yeah

13:56i bet someone would admit that they told a joke that wasn't funny whoops tried they tried but they didn't they're not trying to be mean like the the the response sometimes right it just didn't work yeah it just sucked but you know when someone's ad lib and some things are gonna suck but the response sometimes to uh one that's like off you know maybe a little bit too harsh or maybe a little too soon like people get so mad all right well you sent me a tweet about that cosby bit that i did and uh it was really funny and uh but it it just stirred the pot so much like you you think rape is good no that's not what i said at all right that's not what i said at all i made a joke that's it uh and and you do that too i mean you stir up the pot big time it's great and you'll just go watch this and then you gotta have a point though and if you have a point and you you

14:57really are trying real hard to be a good person you just have a point i just have a point on things i'm gonna say it no you might you might get mad but i'm not saying it to be a bad guy i'm saying because this is what i do for a living so i do we find things you know burr was telling me that he did uh caroline's in uh new york city he's like it was almost like a college gig he's like people are so sensitive now in new york oh you know he and i just did uh the vfw hall in hollywood and uh then uh the and i was calling him about another comic that i wanted i was just talking to the bar and thought he was really funny uh and i now can't remember his name uh joe derosa yeah and i called him and he goes yeah no he's really good and uh and and uh he goes how about i come over and do it i'm like of course bill whatever you want to do time on it come on over

15:56well he was doing a bunch of trump stuff and and uh you know and i guarantee you my fans are pretty split down the middle but it did not go over well and he didn't give a fiddler's about it and uh and so so he just made him mad to stir it above for about 20 minutes yeah and then we both i did my set we smoked a cigar and uh he you know he's not drinking either for uh like a year or something yeah he looks great he looks really good he looks thin and healthy yeah yeah yeah that the trump jokes are interesting because i don't remember anybody getting mad at you for bush jokes right they were just jokes right yeah yeah yeah even if you were like a bush supporter you could crack a joke about the way he spells potato or something like nobody gave a people didn't care it was a different thing even if people were supposed to it wasn't bush by the way that spelled

16:51potato wrong it was oh that's where it was quail whale that's right that's right that's how these rumors get started man it is how they get done yeah you conspiracy dudes over here blowing off this who spelled potato wrong oh that's right it was him um bush some things up too though didn't he well didn't he some stuff up there's a whole album like the wit and wisdom of george w bush he says like fool me once shame on you yeah shame on me again i don't know you know what's interesting about bush is when he was running for governor of texas he had a completely different way of communicating he talked like a really smart guy he's very articulate i mean he was smooth smooth talker talking about www there's a video of him but from back in the day when he's running for governor and he's great you listen to him like look at this energetic intelligent guy he's articulate

17:45he seems like one of us and then there's they had a side-by-side video comparing him to like bush after seven years in office like he's like barely hanging on right he's not paying attention to he's giving the reigns to heaven and hell to dick cheney dick cheney's in a bunker seven miles underground making nefarious decisions you know i mean it was weird it was a weird time but you can make fun of bush all day long nobody gave a you make fun of trump today people want to kill you i almost got in the scuffle the other day at the gas station this guy just started spouting out stuff he was putting gas in his car right over there and and just and by the first word the consensus that came out of his mouth from nowhere hadn't said a word to the guy didn't say hi to him nothing nancy pelosi is the dumbest person that ever lived on this planet and and i get baited so easy i just said

18:34probably not probably not that you're probably wrong he's probably not obama was an idiot he graduated number one from harvard law so yeah views politically aside we can start with he's probably not stupid and what a good speaker he was the best oh yeah he was smooth the most presidential he was uh he was a guy that you were happy to have represent you whether you believe with his you know believe in him and you support his ideas or not as a representative of our culture of our civilization that guy was smooth and measured and articulate and and off the book you know it most of the time you know he was just he was saying what he thought he wasn't reading off a script well you know the story about clinton well i know it's diana with being off the book clinton was such a good orator that the teleprompter went off it broke like five minutes into his speech and he did all that by memory just

19:41did the whole goddamn thing by memory and i played the nine holes of golf with him what was he like and uh it was well there's still security secret service all around him right and so it was a private uh golf course uh larry ellison uh that owns oracle oh wow uh owns this private golf course that has 14 he's a big tennis guy so he puts on the tennis stuff out in palm springs and nobody plays this course and he doesn't play golf and uh it's just his private that's his deal he's got his own course he's got his yeah he's got his own courses jesus he played through our group and at shadow creek and beverly hill i mean in vegas it really exclusive of course impossible to get on and and he was playing by himself and he was gone the tea box and i said it's lonely at the top and larry he goes yep and hit his ball and it went off by himself and uh but he wasn't even there but but

20:38clinton was and he told me a story goes this friend of his is a record producer rap records big i didn't tell me who it was and didn't tell me who the artist was either but the artist was all dugged out and he was in a ferrari store and and the salesman goes are you thinking about buying this car and the guy goes no i'm gonna buy the car i'm thinking about so the clinton told me a story that had the word in it that's a great story clinton told you that twin clinton told me that that's a great story that is a great story that poor bastard yeah he's almost like a comic like he could just be free yeah he was like you think if he he got divorced and just started going on the honest bill clinton right now i her yeah i did i didn't want to either what did you think i was going to do what would you do what would you do you're in my position what would you do

21:37you're smart you know you don't got but 40 years left of life how to shove my pecker right in her mouth that's what i would do the whole idea of being the number one guy you got to be so goddamn hungry to want to be the number one guy 100 you got to have big appetites that's for sure for everything yeah for everything for everything you got to be a super conqueror yeah and all those guys are seeing not all those guys i don't want to generalize but but it's really really common for men that are in power positions to just be horny as yeah all the time of course i mean we got to go back but the way we want these people to behave is so contrary to the way any king ever behaved ever in history like the stories of kings throughout history was always decadence it was always you know all these women and wine and food and more food people feeding them sores and cutting off the ex-wives heads

22:35and that's what you think of ordering armies people protecting them it's like those people were just gluttons just the super gluttons of the world right and we don't like that so then we try to turn someone into some norman rockwell person right and that doesn't work either because you don't have enough uh you you don't you you don't have enough charisma to lead yeah maybe you know trump is showing us that like you could talk about him 24 7 365 days a year he's not adjusting anything in fact he digs his heels in he's the same guy no matter what happens well you know i i really don't like to get into my position on on trump because it it and the reason is i just don't feel like it's my job i feel like it's your job yeah my job's different you know my job is to go up there and just you know make them laugh and but i don't want to be divisive yeah i hear you know

23:31i just don't want to do it because it's my fan base is split and you know i've had uh and you know nothing ever really happens but i had a guy one time because i said something to meet and greet who who is paid to take a picture of me and then refuse to take a picture of me because of what i said and i'm like i don't give a dude don't take a picture leave that i don't give a yeah people are so touchy yeah but you know that's also one of the it's like they're exerting power over you i'm not even gonna take a picture i'm gonna unfollow you on instagram too ron white right god damn communist yeah what am i gonna do yeah i told one girl she said i'm now i'm gonna unfollow you used to be funny but now you're just filthy and i'm gonna unfollow you and i know it doesn't matter i said you can't leave all the plants will die whenever you're in a bind quote bill murray

24:24yeah people are just so mean just want to hurt you ron white for no reason yeah but nobody i've already been as mad as i can be and i'll never be madder and it happened when i was 16 years old so it's hard to make me mad and i'll tell you what made me mad i just got my driver's license my mother asked me to go to the store to get something it's in the summer in houston i don't have any shoes on oh my door step into a shitty pampers that somebody just thrown in the parking lot and i didn't just put a toe in and go oh that's baby that's wrong i just shoved my whole foot into it green baby coming through my toes smears all over the diaper right so i'm stuck i don't know what to do i'm not gonna get back in my mother's car with this shitty foot i can't go into the store with baby all over my foot and i thought about just cutting my foot off and just leaving it in the diaper with a note that

25:22said this used to be a perfectly good foot dude and nobody's ever made me that mad sense i was so furious and i just wanted to hate and kill over a shitty pamper that's crazy that was all it took that's all it took that's all it took but it was so it was you know it just put me in a i i've been stuck before let me tell you about the other time i was stuck this will get us off of politics um i'm in my tour bus and uh i'm partying with my buddy steve my best friend my road manager who passed away and and he never gets laid but it looked like he had an angle on this girl so i picked up my beer and went back to my bedroom which i never do i sit up there and drink with the guys and i go back there just to go to sleep but i never take booze back there or anything and that but i'd i'd gone back there and lay down and i put that uh dos equis bottle on the counter and then

26:19we took off during the night well i was real drunk and steve was real drunk and the bottle falls off and breaks and i don't hear it so in the middle of the night my bed sits high because you want to try to get those beds towards the center because it's on those axles anyway but the closer it is to the center the better it feels when you're in it so you kind of slide off of it about an inch and that my foot went into uh the bottom of the beer bottle had a shard hanging off of it about an inch and a half long and uh and i just and i landed on it well now i know exactly what it was and uh and somebody had hit the master lights so i can't turn the lights on you have to go back and turn them on on the master switch but i know that around me is broken glass everywhere because i understand what happened i understand that bottle fell broke and i got it in my foot

27:09so i pulled my foot up and i didn't know how big the shard was and i just pull it out of there and blood just starts gushing out well steve's passed out in the bunk and he can't hear me i can't get to a phone i can't see so what do i do i just crawled back in bed and went to sleep and bled and uh and steve said the next morning like somebody killed a hog in there and uh he just lifted up the sheets even the bus driver and saw my foot and they were like eyes all right this thing jesus christ did you did you worry about bleeding out because the only option was to take another step and cut the other foot and uh did you do you have your phone with you i wasn't within reach i was just stuck yeah and i was also drunk right stuck and drunk and bleeding god damn that's a good combination yeah yeah i was stubbed i didn't know what to do i didn't know how to combat it

28:06so i just crawled back in bed and i'm like how was your foot 13 stitches as soon as i woke up and looked at him let's go to the hospital guys and uh this thing sewed it back up 13 on the bottom of my foot right in the arch and uh it was a you know it was it was a mess it was a mess every time if you your foot up you realize how much you need them like you can your shoulder up and that sucks but yeah but you can still walk somewhere and get something yeah when you your foot up you're like oh okay this is this is a real problem you get a knee operation or something right i play foot every i play golf every day so oh yeah so it's a real problem a real problem with me yeah every day every day i can not every day but every day i can golf is one of those games man guys just get into golf yeah it's you know it's you know look at look at what you're into you know

29:04it it it's something that you do and you've always done and and you just you just keep doing it you know i watch it on television like it's a soap opera i just watched 80 hours of the players it also gives me a reason not to exercise you know because i got this golf to watch yeah well it golf does give you some exercise though that's a fact you are walking better than being sedentary yeah you're walking around and you're thinking you know you're planting out looking at the curves of the thinking grass and measuring that yeah we're trying to work out solve problems and so uh i get it i'm just terrified terrified i'll be one of you guys out there every day yeah right now i know i have friends that go out every day you you're one of them other guys i do too every time they get a chance the guys i play with go every day yeah if you can pull it off it's like a gentleman's leisure way of life

29:59yeah you know it it it's always back when i was a club comic that's how i killed the day i started playing when i was like 13. and so i would just go to a golf course and you know schmooze out a deal where i could play golf there every day and you ain't jack to do during the day in clubs for 15 years right you know i'm doing 48 weeks right and making 500 a week or whatever it was when i started and you know it was a middle act out there you had to work them all you know because you needed the 500 real bad yeah do you ever look back on those days with with like do you reminisce you know what i it's it's a good thing for me that this was the path of least resistance right because uh because if it wasn't for stand up i'd be a regional marijuana distributor in the state of texas in a in a in an industry that has some questions coming up so uh you know i i did it because i loved it

30:55but it was also fun fun fun you know uh and uh and it was easy for me i didn't mind the travel because i i liked drinking free and bars and and uh and and you know you know practicing this art form and you know and i but i never ever thought it would you know go where it went you know if you know people ask me how do i do that i'm like i don't know how i did it and that was right there when it happened i have no idea i barely remember it didn't you live in mexico for a little bit in fact there's a really really really good pga player from the same town i lived in uh that played golf every day where i played golf i didn't know him young he would have been let's figure it out it would have he would have been he's like 21 or two now and uh he wasn't he was on the in the heat for uh this tournament uh abraham answer is his name and uh born and raised in mexico well

32:01he's actually born across the border because there's no wall right they can just come over there and have a baby so that and but his parents must have been fairly well off for that part of the world you know to to do that but he's great he's great and i dig it because uh i you know and i see where he came from exactly you know it's where my son made a hole-in-one when he was eight years old was on the compestery golf course in reno's in mexico how many holes in one does a guy get in his career uh i've had one uh my son's had one you know like the big guys maybe 16 17 18. in a whole lifetime there's no equivalent in other sports yeah yeah yeah all in one there's no equivalent in any other game right it was there was a double eagle the uh what's that mean that's where you make a 2 on a par 5. so that that means you sunk a hole from 262 262 yards out you made it on the second shot

33:03oh wow uh just very rare very rare but double eagles slightly less rare than a hole in one way less rare way way less rare because the whole because that part three could be as much as 125 yards you know and most of them aren't made on the longer 185 but you know you're not the guys like me aren't hitting the par 3 from you know 235 yeah if you think about it i guess there's nothing like that in any other game or sport a hole in one where it just works out perfect maybe a walk off grand slam or yeah maybe huh those happen way more often though yeah way more well yeah way more often than a hole in one for how many people try it crazy you know you don't get many chances at that right uh grand slam but the other thing is i'm going to try and how many they make pitch at you you're definitely going to hit the ball it's right there like that golf ball is just right there i mean you might not

33:59have a good lay but you're definitely going to hit it am i staying on the right yeah well yeah well if you hit a foul ball you got to play it you got to go find it and yeah it just it seems like the odds of you getting a hole in one must be off the charts it must be like a thousand to one or 100 000 1 or something crazy like that yeah maybe i mean most people may maybe never you know what do you think the numbers numbers would be what are the odds i'll two the whole one i didn't graduate from high school okay let's figure it out let's throw the math to those carb guys those signs dude they were killing me my son made one the 11th day he ever played golf in front of me and his coach and his best friend and it was a 95-yard part three from the regular women's seas where the u.s kids club uh driver that i still have wow and uh and it just straight at the whole he had a great golf swing

34:54kids if you treat him or you know his because golf coach was good even though they spoke a different language uh they they understood golf and and how to teach him that swing and so he was good at it and he didn't really play much anymore he didn't sign his thing but uh it back landed 10 yards in front of the pin bounced twice rolled right in the middle of the cup and i know at this point i've been playing golf for 30 years and i've never done it and uh so it was a big deal and he got his name in a couple of newspapers and they mentioned him on the golf channel he was the youngest kid that had made a hole-in-one that year that was registered and then like two weeks later a six-year-old did it my son was like uh you know they took all the joy out of it for him yeah that was one kid he was lucky he hit his went on off a mailbox you're you're twinning off a perfect golf shot

35:42golf shot it's a hard thing to learn right that swing yeah you know it it it is a really difficult thing to do and it's it's just a it's a thing that you learn how to aim it's like a bow and arrow you know uh even though that's a little easier to teach somebody how to do but to do it exceptionally well you know it's it it it's it's not easy to do and uh and or a slingshot how to get the power at the right spot or or even fly casting it's not power everywhere it's power in the right spot yeah that does it whip up the wrist yeah and uh so it's it's it's hard to do but it's fun to do once you once you once you learn how to hit a good solid golf shot yeah and the ball comes off the way it's supposed to it's you know it's bliss i'll tell you something here's a story about golf my best friend who passed away died of brain cancer so they had done a surgery on him that had just down

36:43scars down his neck down his back where they were trying to harvest they were you know they were shooting it you know he was already you know he had he should have had a death sentence we just weren't saying it out loud and we were at my place in montecito and uh we had thrown everything at this cancer but the kitchen sink and we were looking for the sink you know and uh and then steve goes let's go to the golf course man uh he goes i'll help you read some putts he was always good at reading putts we've been playing golf since we were little kids we'd known each other since we were six and uh and uh so when i got my clubs out his clubs were in there too so he reaches into his pill bag and takes another pill pain pill and said i'll throw mine on there you know i might take a swing so and he did off the first tee box and it hurt and it wasn't very good and uh and

37:37and he just winced and uh but every once in a while he'd put a ball down and he'd hit it and when we get to the 17th hole part 367 yards long hole and he hits his drive with his with his driver um and uh and it fades off a little bit to the right but he caught it and uh so it was up kind of by the way about up by the green but the pin was kind of on the other side and i was like great you know then and so he hits a chip shot which is easier to do and he's always real really been good at that and he hits it to about seven feet and i'm like oh my god he's got a seven foot putt for a par and he makes it and this dying man gets the biggest grin i've ever seen in my life and it was crooked because his muscles had been cut but it just brought him pure joy and then i got to see the last part he ever made so and i got to witness that you know joy so that's pretty that's awesome

38:36that's pretty cool that's golf you know you know if it means that much to you you know it can make you feel better if you do it right one time i get it i think it's like in any difficult game like that i guess it'd be like that with a lot of games but there's something about golf too that's very physical and you're doing it outside it's one of the only things you have to do outside you know other than i guess you could do tennis inside like really right but golf is a giant-ass course you're gonna be walking you gotta go outside yeah yeah i'd do it in a golf cart but you know i walk i walk from the golf cart to the ball something's happening there's some kind of water something's going on something's going on but you got to stay loose you know that's why that's the only reason i do yoga is uh is to keep my lower back and my you know keep everything moving around your golf's gum and uh

39:25yeah well it's just it's all got to turn you know around your spine and that you know i'm 62 years old and uh and so that's just you know harder to do than unless you keep you know you got to keep those muscles stretched out yeah to be able to do it at all yeah i think it's like that with the anything where you're moving your body as a unit martial arts stuff or anything you better as you as you get older in particular you better be really aware of all the moving parts when you're a kid you could just hit the gas when you hit 50 you better be you know you're swinging a tennis racket or something like that you better be aware of your shoulders and your knees you got to be aware of all these moving parts how old are you 51 51 oh wait wait wait for 62. i'm not waiting what's up here's tiger and tiger's back injury he's had four back surgeries oh no he had another one no this isn't like

40:22yesterday or anything this is from like a year or two oh good wise announced that he had undergone anterior lumbar inter body fusion oh that's fusing his dicks many thought many thought his discs many thought that his competitive golf career was over in his fourth surgery since march of 2014 which involved removing the l5 s1 intervertebral disc fusion material to connect the l5 and s1 vertebrate what oh my god although he's apparently recovered quite well from the operation the surgery is quite rare amongst professional golfers one of the pga player dudley hart had also uh had had a fusion in the same location as woods fusion's rough man that means there's no disc left right and he he won the uh uh the whatever they call the fedex cup the last tournament of the year yeah last year tiger won it and so he came back from that that's incredible oh it is amazing and i was there

41:27uh i was at east lake in atlanta and uh and i'd do all their uh all their charity stuff yeah that's the footage of him going up to 18th green he's about to win this thing and this this is the the top 30 golfers in on the pga tour which is the toughest tour there is look at all these people jazzing out it's a weird sport that everybody gets to run on the field and follow him right walk right next to him there's no crowd control there so i was right up there i was right up there above this screen uh because i i i've walked with it because i get to go inside the rope so and uh and i followed it a couple of choked nah it didn't matter this is the one he needs right here the short one yep yeah yeah i think he had a two shot lead going into that and that's it and he won he won the whole thing yeah and that was the comeback you know that was the comeback that

42:17people said would never happen that he would never uh not especially at this level that's a hard tournament to win i mean that's a that's tough tough stuff he's back tiger's back tigers back i love it um the yeah i require a lot from people you know if if they get some strange along the way that guy's he's he he got it rough after his whole divorce and sex scandal he had it rough for a long time people are coming after him but the the thing is about those back uh surgeries is i wonder why they did the fusion because i think they do articulating discs now that seemed to be very effective i i you know i think he tried i mean i think he had well he had four so because people are uh i know a few people that are doing those um that have got those discs down they put like a titanium movable disc basically takes the place of the disc that's in your back eddie bravo had that done

43:18i don't know what does it say you know i play all these um okay pro ams increasing golfers performance via an anterior approach is that it spares the large muscles of the back that are critical to golf swing which potentially makes the recovery for athlete athletes a bit easier huh i don't know but i would imagine whoever was looking at tiger's back was about the best person in the world to be looking at it so i'm sure they would have he had a pretty big budget for it yeah i mean you would want i mean they must have like really calculated it that was what the best move was maybe um if they put an artificial disc it would it would move funny i'm good i don't know man that whole the back thing's a rough one you ever had any back problems i don't have a lot of any kind of problems except that little alcohol thing that i got going that little squeaker and uh and but i play golf with guys

44:16in these pro ams and most of them are you know football basketball players and most of them around my age and most of them are in pain you know they what it turns out smoking pot watching cartoons good for your knees doesn't matter fine and uh i just didn't get hurt you know i didn't i played golf when i was on the golf team yeah i sucked but i was on the golf team and junior high and high school and yeah i played football too but life of relative leisure is good for the joints right it's good for the joints you don't take a pounding not from where i'm laying yeah the the the knees and the ankles we were talking to camaro usman yesterday who's ufc welterweight champion he's had five knee surgeries both of his knees are basically bone on bone can't run anymore um had all kinds of crazy options and still destroys people with notice doesn't just fight he destroys people he's the best

45:10he just beat tyron woodley who was the best before him it's crazy i mean i laughed so hard when that guy goes my balls got hot you go that was the best company the best thing you could have possibly said was i understand i love that guy oh man he's a he's a genius he figured out a way to be himself he ever go to his instagram page no no if if there's anything crazy going on the world derek lewis has it on instagram page his instagram page is the best people found out about it i gave him a shout out to his instagram page on one of the ufc broadcasts and now it's got like what does he have how many files do you have now 1.6 million 1.6 million it's that good though it's chaos he always gets videos deleted and removed but apparently they leave him up there i mean they're not threatening to take them down i don't think i hope not every it's where i go to take a look at it any

46:04dummy that's trying to like like light a bomb under a tire and fly through the air and smash the roof of a garage with his face he's got all that motorcycle accidents or people trying to do wheelies and they fall it lands on them anything up on the internet you know it's funny he's got it all anything crazy just he's a hilarious guy but the fact that he can say something like that you know like right after a fight my balls was hot he started selling t-shirts afterwards my ball's his hot t-shirt so they don't i got one i i don't think real people listen to anything that's being said about the usa and myself i need one derek please i need one of those shirts i need i need one of those shirts please derek oh my god he's the best he's such a character you fight his ass off too so do what what uh i know it's your show but uh what how many fights do you do now and does

47:12anybody care about a fight you don't announce oh they for sure care yeah i do uh 10 a year 10 years 10 events a year i'm doing like uh the big pay-per-views like there's a lot of them that are overseas but they want you to be the voice right well i don't have time i just don't know the time i don't have the time with all with the podcast and with doing stand-up and you know making netflix specials and there's just no time right now yeah no i know there's i like it better when i do it once a month like once like 10 times a year is basically once a month or i like i like that better because it seems like that's um and it's the higher profile stuff i don't mind there's a lot of fights that are not that high profile that i love it's like they're crosby stills and nash and you're young right you just pop in and do the big shows and that's funny people you know yeah i care as much

48:02i love doing it man i love doing it i still do but um it's it's amazing to me how many people that i meet because i talk about you and i'm proud i love our friendship and but i really admire you a lot and i admire you for a lot of reasons but one of them is that you're famous for a lot of things and some people don't know you as all of those things i don't know if anybody does well probably because they listen to the podcast and there's millions of them but still it's uh i don't think you know i don't think it's as common for people to know how good a comedian you are uh you know of course they don't unless they've seen you you know live because they might think of you as the guy from the fear factor or the uh or the man show or or ufc and you're famous for all those things and stand up comedy uh that's a that's that's crazy but i but i i but i i find myself defending you sometimes going

48:58listen to his stand up go watch turn on netflix and watch that last special watch all of them there it's really really good stuff he's one of the only people that really makes me laugh and uh and and i feel like i'm out here spreading the word you got a podcast that reaches the entire universe and i'm explaining joe rogan to people so listen i love you and i appreciate you so you saying that to me means a lot to me thank you well that's uh anyway baby all over my foot i'm saying is it was and i'm not over it i'm just not over it it's a good thing to be angry if you're gonna have one bad moment in your life that's a that's a manager yeah because you can hose it off your foot right but there was no hose that's what i'm trying to say i get it was nasty there was no hose i get it there was no hose i get it so i wouldn't have been stuck if there would have been a hose

49:52but that was in the parking lot of a grocery store jimmy what were you telling me that conor mcgregor was mad at me for something what we saying i could pull up the video i guess what was he doing is that a legal are we allowed to see it it's fine but what did he say something like uh script i talk off script talk on script or call fights on a script or something that is not really true because no one ever gives me a script that's a fact i mean i don't know what exactly he said but maybe he just didn't like my commentary i bet he likes it when he wins right you know you had his picture in your uh right here in the uh what do you call this place in the studio the actual quote is i'd like him to call a fight how he sees it correctly instead of reading off a script though uh well that's that's a you know that's his perception i understand what he's saying

50:36you know sometimes people think that but you know it's very difficult when someone's calling your fight if he's talking about me calling someone's fight that's not his friend then that that makes much more sense it's hard man i it's hard for me it's i i have a really hard time calling friends fights it's hard i don't do you know him and you're afraid yeah well i don't know him that well but i like him a lot i respect him it's fun to watch him fight that's for sure yeah sure go ahead play it he's got a great following he's got crazy inside great guests maybe that's hungry from the game who knows everybody's waiting for it i'd like you to call the fight how he sees it correct the script though yeah the same way as two black cousins if you do the podcast yeah i get his position uh you know that diaz fight was a good fight man it was a hard fight i wasn't calling it like the last fight

51:50but i had to call it with the knowledge of the last fight i had to know what happened in the last fight in the last fight diaz survived the storm tagged him had him rocked and then finished him on the ground it doesn't mean that he didn't win the second fight it was a close fight the second fight was a very close fight but you have to acknowledge that that other fight took place so he also said it like with a smile you could tell i think that guy is one of the most dynamic individuals to ever compete in the sport he's a special person very special person very unusual guy even if he doesn't beat khabib ever again or you know he loses to this guy loses to the floyd mayweather who cares he's still a one of a billion human being he's an unusual guy the amount of electricity how good is he good man he starts jose aldo is one of the greatest featherweights if not the

52:43greatest next to max holloway of all time starstone with one punch when aldo was aldo aldo was the man i mean he was the man he was smashing everybody for years and conor talked so much to him and climb so deep inside his head and infuriated him to the point we were so emotional and he came charging at connor and connor just slipped back and bank dropped like the best one punch knockout in the history of the sport oh no oh 100 because it was so significant there was so much hype behind it it was a guy we're like how good is this guy is this guy really the next big thing or is he gonna fall apart when he meets a real champion like aldo and then he knocks him out with one punch it was crazy and then hammer fists and while he's out when he's on the ground i mean was definitive right like 14. 14 seconds of the first round he throws a hopping sidekick he's gauging the

53:39distance he's got like this karate stance and then he sees jose load up here you can watch it right here he sees jose load up and when he sees jose load up he he had this fight one go ahead play it he had this fight won even before i mean he knew how it was going to go down he knew what aldo was going to do he was real emotional and angry so he knew he's going to come forward so he's gauging his distance see that bam oh the friday one it's i mean that was like one of the most spectacular kos in the history of the sport because it had so much meaning to it it was so important it was for the featherweight championship of the world conor had already won the interim title him and aldo facing each other this big hype thing took like a year to put together crazy so that he's awesome did you call that oh yeah yeah i think it's the only time i've ever yelled out he slept him

54:34when someone got crashed i don't even know why i said it just like that's that's what came to my head it just i just yelled it out that's that's what he did he slapped him i saw that special about that guy who announces for uh world wrestling or uh uh professional wrestling that the guy would take the snake yeah no no no oh oh oh i'm sorry um which guy jim ross is there that has uh you know he's got real bad ptsd and he's kind of but he's a great ra he's a star in that sounds like it i don't know exactly what was it it's a book it's all right now it's a documentary that i saw and i i can't remember the guy's name in in in 20 minutes i was still not remember the guy's name but it was it was great and he's really good i mean they he saw it after for big events he does all their big events or he did and then he'd like fall off into a this crazy depressious

55:29thing and then they'd then they'd come back and you know it was it was a great story i i wish i could think of it i would think you would know who that was tomorrow marwan oh was it morrow yeah yeah oh more now yeah morrow does a showtime boxing too what's that is that your phone ron is that your phone that sings back in black yeah yeah i think uh the special is called bipolar rock and roller yeah yeah and maro's been on the podcast for he's a buddy oh okay he's a great announcer a really really nice guy too but yeah he suffers from mental illness and he does a really good job of uh talking about it and making sure that other people know that this is not something that you should be ashamed of you know what's going on message from my son okay love you dad oh how cute he does that in the middle of nowhere for no reason that's awesome man ron white getting some love uh but yeah more

56:31um morrow is uh he used to do pride um he's do pride commentary he's done a lot of boxing he did showtime boxing he does wwe he's done a bunch of mma too you know a bunch of different organizations i think he even did glory for a while he does bellator too that's right he does bellator he's a really good guy but yeah mental illness is a weird one man you're walking away from it uh from watching the documentary a fan you know uh going even if you don't know anything about it i loved wrestling when i was a kid and uh i was a big wahoo mcdaniels fan who was wahoo mcdaniels oh come on i don't know man i don't know i came up during the bob backlund days yeah this is this guy he was a dallas cowboy at one time he was from midland texas and he was cherokee indian and uh and look at the size of him oh yeah look at him and he looked like a comedian right he looked like shaky green or something

57:33right he looks like yeah who does he look like so he would he would come out now i i this is the first my first encounter was my first encounter with the police buddy hackett that is what it is he's a jack buddy hackett yeah so i my my cousin who's a few years older than me i'm visiting my uh relatives up in this little town north of amarillo uh and so we go down down down around 660 miles down to amarillo and he's going to take us to the sportatorium to watch uh the super inferno who i hated i mean this was on the local television all over the you know texas and they and and they but one of the stops was there then uh and and so we went and and i don't think i'd been to one uh yet it and it was my first one and uh and i loved wahoo mcdaniels because he gets out there and just and he comes back from anything right you'll think he's out of it and he ain't out of it he just he is amazing

58:34and fun and you know i just loved him loved him loved and uh and i hated the super inferno because he was like russian or something you know and you know something that it was easy you know to hate because we're all the propaganda we were getting about russia was like their women are ugly i'm like no they're not you know it took me a while it was like like it was almost like phil uh pittsburgh because we talked so bad about my relatives about pittsburgh because they hated the steelers and i just had this image of pittsburgh of this dark cloudy people bent over gray in the face and yeah first time i drove into pittsburgh i was like i'm like this place is gorgeous look at this place it's a blast it's a hoot great place to perform oh yeah yeah it's always you know it's always been a big uh a big stop for me i mean once i got out of the club yeah pittsburgh is great cleveland's

59:28another one that's very underrated yeah cleveland's great i always had a blast playing that improv down in the flats man and that they had that titty bar right there in the parking lot it was like man this is one stop shopping for ron white how many uh what dates are you doing a year these days 110 cities last year and then uh wow and then i you know and then i'd try to do sets when i'm in town and and uh the uh and i should do more you know how nice is it to have a store though you know it's great uh i went to the memorial and uh brodie's yeah and uh you know i'd like to just tell your listeners that you never know when it's gonna be the last time you see somebody so don't ever ever hesitate to say i'm gonna need that money but you're gonna right you can't do it later you know you can't get it from their mother at the funeral you know you can't do that so very good point

60:29yeah so don't forget that every time i saw brody i gave him a hug that's one thing that brodie and i always had in con with always always every single time i saw brody god gave him a big hug like he was a big hugger yeah yeah you know i only knew him as a brother you know i you know i i feel important i feel like it's important to me to be a part of the comedy community you know participate in it you if if you're out there and you're a comedian and you want to be a comedian you can be a comedian but you got to go be a comedian yeah and you got to do it every day yeah you know every you know for for the most part i know you're the same way i mean i know the that you'd never pass up an opportunity to get behind the microphone whether it's the eight or ten million people to listen to this or there are 65 people in a whatever it doesn't matter doesn't matter to me you got to do it all

61:21all the time it's the only way to do it right all the time you lose the touch with the reality of it and also it's pace rhythm could be and and how comfortable you are in any situation you know this situation is just me and you talking or 26 people i play the laughing skull in atlanta the 65 people sold out it's one of the hottest rooms i've ever had in my hands i love that joint oh and that cool place yeah i did that place a couple years ago yeah that was my hang when i lived out there what a great place to practice yeah oh it was it was great it's a great staff too it's like a they're like comedy fans right people that work the vortex was a really cool bar next yeah they have great burgers right yeah they sell a lot of number one tequila that's what they do nice yeah that's a great little spot if you could have a that's what every city needs right they need a great little

62:09comedy community you know where you got up and comers that are really working on it people that really appreciate right well there was a really good uh comedy scene in atlanta and like a couple of guys that one last comic standing came out of atlanta that's great i'm so bad with names like yeah it's only like but if you stopped and think how many real comedy communities are there in the country i don't even think there's ten you think there's ten well you know st louis has always had one chicago's always happy denver's always had one and of course la new york houston uh that was candace and hicks and greenlee and pineapple did you know i worked with pineapple once you know what he used to do he would drive all the way across houston to ignore me that's what he he did he did it all the time too and he had no reason to be there and i i and i know a lot

63:08that some of those guys didn't like me because i don't i don't know why i don't know why but they were really really cliquish and i went in there one night and had a horrible set and uh and i was following hicks and uh you know and i had a really green show but in the right circumstance you know in a comedy club with nothing great happening before you it kind of worked a little bit but that night it didn't work at all and uh but and i was probably getting a little more work than those guys were some of them and they're like oh he sucks well the fact of the matter is i did suck because my act would uh well you know you don't want to follow ex i i say that to make the story better i wasn't following hicks but he was you know or kennison but they were both there oh okay and uh had done so but everybody was good i mean greenlee was good all these guys were seasoned pros

64:04that was a a hot lineup and uh but but i never felt you know like they any of them liked me except for hicks and i came to see him you know do do shows and uh i asked him to do uh the story about uh just john davidson and the mask and he goes uh he is what he says he goes don't stand next to the exits just to tip because people just walk out of the show when he i watched him do that he he uh he did that at the knicks comedy stop in boston and he cleared the room man it was it was crazy because at the end of the show there was me and greg fitzsimmons and maybe three or four other comics of five or six people in the crowd there was like maybe 20 people left all told laughing our asses all right everybody else is getting up angry i saw it go both ways you know i've seen him beat crowds to death i i saw him say one night at the last stop in austin and nobody in the room could

65:08breathe and he was in the mood to do it and and you know and you know and and and i think sometimes he was and sometimes he wasn't yeah or whatever but he was in the mood and decided to just stab us all in the face and uh and it was it was just it was beautiful he was exceptional you know whether or not people think he was one of the greats like that that's entirely subjectional right it's subjective rather it's it's completely up to your own interpretation but to me he changed comedy in a lot of ways because he he made people talk about things that were important because everybody else was talking about nonsense you're talking about airline food and how come i can't lean my seat back right right standard normal exactly right and he was coming along talking about positive drug stories you know a man on acid realize it all matters energy condensed to a slow rhythmic vibration

66:07like that whole bit was here's tom with the weather yeah that was amazing yeah no no it was and it was influential i mean i think i can say this about bill hicks and and i am an expert at stand-up comedy i would have a triple doctorate in uh if you gave those kinds of things for the work i've the amount of time i've put into 100. and uh and you as a peer would have the exact same thing so for me to listen to someone's opinion about stand-up comedy they have to have a lot of cred to me before i really give a what they think okay so here's what you should think the only thing that every comic from my generation agrees on is he was better than us and that's the only thing that they agree on and and they and i can't find anybody that has a big argument that he wasn't now was he the the best that ever lived no but did he influence me more than anybody else and

67:13you probably more than anybody else because you're certainly that way also you know right someone somebody built that bridge yes and you and now you feel free to talk about anything you know none of your act is ever hack you know there were a lot of hacks but i think pigs freed people not to be a hack you know yeah he uh he cured people that he made it shameful you know we're talking about hack but there was also you cured him of stealing material so i don't know if i did yeah well i think it's still going on i guarantee you it's if there's a chain reaction to it just like craft getting caught getting a that shut down business all over the continental united states nobody walked into a a spa without wondering whether or not it was a sting operation and your name was going to be blown out on them isn't that crazy but here's the thing they they must they get this guy's there's a

68:06video this guy doing a massage so they've got video of it right and at the end the girl jerks them off what if she didn't jerk him off what if she just gave him a massage what kind of a up invasion of his privacy if he just went in there to get a massage right or was everybody just getting jacked off i would imagine what do you send him a plea deal to drop the charges so i don't know what happened really he ratted everybody out he's like right i need to stay up there yeah he's not about ground kids well i gotta tell you you know i was uh so lonesome you know i took some comfort there you know in my lifetime as if paul simon once wrote and um okay i'm not i'm you know what i'm not going to say it because it's just not working yeah everybody seems to be perfectly aware that they could be washing your feet yeah and you know and that's fine yeah why is it um that a guy like that would

69:04go to a place like that like he's so rich i don't think he has a guy if you don't have a guy you should get a guy look no further a cleaner look look no further than uh and and this is everybody's going to realize just how fading my memory is now but uh uh the english actor that got caught with the uh yes elizabeth hurley's husband hugh grant that's rude right yeah look at hugh grant married to the hottest woman on the planet at the time right ruthlessly hot well uh yeah amazingly hot you look at her he wasn't married to her either right there his boyfriend's girlfriend boyfriend girlfriend and uh and even i couldn't understand that right i mean because i you know i've i've been with a couple of high chicks before in my life but this was he wanted it freaky yeah he he and i you know i i i get that and it comes back to that appetite thing that guys have you know i've gotten a hand job

70:05from somebody and i admit this and it was the best sex i've ever had in my life because it was somebody that was a number one it was a great massage and this tantric thing going on and uh and and you know and and it but it was fantastic and and pricey and uh and and it's free most anywhere and that's in vegas as legal as it can be right you know they have milking tables that have a hole your dick hangs through really and uh they do milking table look it up look it up cut it for the guy if he lies in his stomach well you don't have it you got somewhere to crack i felt like you just laid on your back no but it makes more sense hygienically to have like a hole in the bottom of the table it'll be on the screen i'm sure soon that is wrong and i'm not i i all i'm saying is that in like in canada the you know or the most of the rest of the world right it's uh

71:10getting a tug is really not considered a crime of any kind whatsoever and is harmless and who gives a well why is it okay to massage your feet but it's not okay to massage you know what i would rather massage my dick than my own feet i would and i prove it on a regular basis yeah regular basis i think the problem really is sex trafficking that's the problem horrible you know that's the worst thing exactly that i can imagine but it but it but again i'm not going to i know i know what you're saying because it's the most horrific thing you can imagine that's the most horrific thing you can imagine that's taking something i just finished watching that series about uh taking madeline uh and um and so i'm like i i just can't even that that that i would you know i would support any anything any way shape or form yeah uh to have it stomped out spend billions of dollars

72:12put boots on the ground you know stop it if you can in any way you can women who are trying to be legitimate sex workers whether or not you think that's a thing that they you know doesn't matter what i think it is a thing it is you know go down dude i just went to amsterdam before i took my mother to barcelona because i wanted a little three-day stopover uh before i spent eight days with mom and barcelona and uh and there's signs don't take pictures of our sex workers that our sex workers yeah not sex with our sex workers right and uh i mean they they totally own it and go hey this is not a bad deal you know that uh you know you're you know what you're qualified to do make french fries or it turns out you're super hot and and you in our country you can have this job or in or in this country you can have this job just not everywhere but yeah there's only a couple spots in this

73:08country right part of nevada yeah nevada but i think that i don't even know i think it's just nevada i think that's it but it's to me here's something something this is important okay um i play vegas a lot right i'm 10 weekends a year at the mirage and marijuana is uh is legal recreationally now and they have the biggest dispensary in the world which is like a like it's like universal made it or something you know it's god i went in there it was fantastic and uh prostitution is legal you can get a drink of liquor 24 hours a day seven days a week and i realized that i'm a law-abiding citizen here when i'm standing on this part of the united states ground i don't break any laws at all i can be free right that's why i feel so good when i go to vegas that's why people go do you like vegas do you get tired of it i'm no no you know why because i can breathe deep that's why

74:09i could be who i am yeah i can do it openly yeah i can uh you know and and and so can everybody else and you get the same thing that and that's why uh oh yeah i've i've sold out 150 shows in a while yeah yeah same with that one when i saw you the the you know the uh you you realize it's the law that causes the paranoia yes you know and because when you're in amsterdam in one of those coffee shops smoking a joint drinking a bad ass cup of coffee yeah it's fun and free you know freeing and and it's the way it should be you know the the fact of the matter is the same thing happens to me in florida with just a little bit i'm handcuffed taken to jail and and moved from city jail to county jail and processed and fingerprinted and photographed they printed my address on the internet so people anybody in the world could just walk straight over to the house

75:13i don't think anybody did because nobody gives a except for people a few people did right ron white has a jet that's the part i don't believe but anyway yeah man it's the law is the real problem when you make alcohol illegal you you made organized crime big that's what happened that's what they did learn that from prohibition they should be learning that from all all the drug problems we have in this guarantee of marijuana will be selling for the price of corn in 20 years because it takes the same amount of effort to grow it right no it's easier it's probably easier you probably need less pesticides right you know there's um there's a gigantic problem south of our border folks with drugs and it's because of us it's 100 because of us we've i mean not us like you and me i don't do any drugs they sell the pot that i get i get from people who grow in california but

76:10there's a lot of people that buy coke and if you buy coke or meth you're probably buying it from someone down there and you know there's a goddamn thriving industry that would go away if we made things legal if we gave people like you ron white yeah you're telling me you shouldn't be able to go buy coke who the are they to tell you you can't buy coke first of all you sell tequila right kill yourself and you get way more up on my tequila yeah or no quick as up as up as heroin as up as anything else i you know it's probably easier to kill yourself you know on my own amazingly great tequila uh i have found myself puking because i'm an idiot and uh got just too carried away and you know it's probably easy to kill yourself with tequila than it is with coke you probably have to do a lot of coke to die right it's probably hard to do that coke at the end when your nose is

77:04bleeding your heart's pounding out of your chest you got to take another bump to push yourself over the edge it's probably hard in a scarf oh yeah oh yeah right he lived no he didn't have cocaine they shot about 55 times yeah they didn't die no joey diaz is alive and well he tried joey diaz is alive and well right you got to do a lot of coke to kill you especially well joey diaz that is dead he can eat rat poison and go do a show right he'd be mocking death you i went to this game i went to see him in austin he was playing in austin yeah yeah i went out and watched him just blister a crowd i mean he just blistered him he's my ghost it was uh it was so much fun to watch it was uh i see him do short sets all the time but i got to watch him do you know his you know 50 i think he did probably on 50 minutes or something like that and it was great we had a blast try replicating that

78:00in this sanitized world right where there's purell everywhere you turn the thing is you know you you if you're true and there's something i believe that if it is a comic or whatever if you're true to your nature then enough people will be attracted to that that you don't that the only mistake you can make is to not be true to your nature yeah right if you look at all the great or really successful comics in the in the history of comedy they they were true to who they were i mean cosby but but you know yeah he he tricked everybody yeah he pulled one over on us and uh can you imagine if he was honest what i like to do is drug women and about the unconscious so i never really did that bit on stage yeah i never really did that bit on stage very much can i do it on your show dude oh yeah the uh let me think about it okay uh bill cosby in in bill cos in bill's defense

79:12uh he explained to us years ago how much he hates cursing and no one curses more than a wide awake woman who's being raped and uh so it's a terrible it's a joke i know but it made me cry laughing because it's so up i mean you look it's both true and up right it is true oh yeah it is yeah it's not an endorsing rape that's why i never really found a spot in the opening lineup that's an hour and 20 minutes long get it open with that sir i know i know i do you know what it was always just a mixed review it made people think it made yes you know it was like baby duck lip tacos you know you either liked it or you didn't like it but you listened to the next bit well you made sense though it does make sense yeah i mean it really does it's a joke it's just a funny thing to say well i think we should all should have known like with his trying to control other people he was always trying to control

80:14young black comics and stop them from swearing right right there was that famous thing that he said or was it yeah and he and he called prior yeah he shut up and he took her shut the up did you get paid yeah yeah tell bill to have a coke and a smile and shut the up right yeah that's it that was there's a guy that i'd like to get back into comedy eddie murphy all right eddie if you're out there get back in the comments so hard at uh raw you know rob was so good delirious delirious one of the best comedy specials of all time i think so of all time and he did his thing and but he did also himself yes bill cosby himself was very good you know a lot of comics learned a lot about stand-up comedy watching bill cosby himself oh yeah he knew how to hold a moment oh yeah oh it was beautiful oh he works like you know that thing was framed like this yeah the whole show was just his

81:13face and no cutaway to people laughing in the audience or cheesy shots from up here where you can't see who it is it was just framed in right just on his face and yeah and and it was it was gorgeous work just gorgeous work i've thought about this many times do you think that those people from back in that era from back in like the 60s and the 50s that they used to drug each other and they didn't think it was as big a deal like that men would do that which would we would consider today to be horrific you know the idea that you would take someone's daughter and drug her and is horrific oh yeah we want violent repercussions for yeah but do you think that maybe back then they were ignorant that they didn't know any better like you always hear about people slipping people at mickey do they think it was cute were they actually doing like how many men were doing that back then do you

82:09know what i'm saying you know i i find myself to be so conservatively that i i really can't think outside in that box you know i just watched that documentary about him taking that girl they don't know what happened to her which is three years old but they were but it talked a lot about recovery and all and just how sick a world is out there and i can't even think about it i mean this one detective had to look through these dark websites and i'm like and look at these images you can't unlook at those images no you can't you know it's just a sickening thing you know ron they're having a hard time with that with people that work for social media sites when they have to take down videos like on facebook and things like that like a lot of them like they're taking down these horrific videos like horrible all day long these people are just finding the things that are like

82:59horrible accidents horrible assassinations isis videos and they're just taking them down right you know i was on jim norton's show one time he showed me a video of a guy a snake and i'm like dude i don't want to see any of this was it jim was he his name yeah jim no it wasn't jim it wasn't jim and that and he's very very funny and i love to whatever i do with jim is fun but he looks at anything on the you know he's an animal people cutting the heads off and all that stuff and that but he just said well look at this and i'm like the guy's it's a snake he found a snake and stuck his will you ever see a snake egg so you know regular sized so you know it's a hole yeah let's find a hole that dudes haven't i'll find you hole it can't be find the fetish i love jim norton for the same reason why i love you he's just himself like he's not pretending to be anybody he's

83:54in himself he's not pretending to be somebody that won't watch a man a snake he's he watched men men he he loves everything he likes he likes transgender women he gets off on it gets he gets and he's open about it talks about all the time to the point where when he was on opie and anthony and when they were in their prime it was like one of their major themes was that uh norton is in into uh transgender women what's that called i don't know it's called being jim norton right he's happy i mean there's got to be a name right yeah there's probably some name some there's probably like a slang term for it right and there's probably some sort of uh you know i would think if anybody knew what that was it would be you yeah i've never heard jamie you think there's a word for dudes who are only into transgender women i bet there is if there isn't we could probably make

84:44now you're talking about for sure there's got to be one a man that's now a woman right right right not a woman that's now a man well this should be two right there's peggers which is a man who's now a woman but still has a dick and she can peg you yeah right she's your your girlfriend and she can your ass i had uh i had uh i had sex with a woman that was a she played for the wnba well she said 6'3 but i know she was a full head taller than me and she was so tall she could stick a finger in my ass whoa she her arms were so long that she could reach around while i was whoa and stick a finger in my ass and i'm like let's just go to the church you know get married get this over with make some gladiator children that's right big funny dude come on in my search here i haven't found that term but have you ever heard of a lesbian a lesbian man a lesbian man what does that mean

85:46okay i'll take a stab at it she helped me it's a it's it's a it's a it's a man who turns himself into a woman but he still likes women yeah but he can keep his penis i think i think that's what's going on does he keep his penis yeah he just likes to be pegged by women oh not and he's not in the guys i've never heard that i just i'm looking for you really so what are they calling him a lesbian man right so he only likes getting you know what i want to be women a bisexual that just opens the field up all the way that shuts it down you're right and who's gonna that's like a iq how big is that pond to fish from question not very big not very big a lesbian man imagine if like that's all you'll put the bat signal out i'm a lesbian man i'm just looking for gals to peg me i bet there's a lot of them that would want to you just for revenge how much of that is uh women that why is

86:43it that pretty women don't seem to have any problem with men like a lot of them are like pretty easygoing about men but if you have bad genetics like if you got dealt a wrong in the stick that's that is if there's like people talk about income inequality in this country and that's definitely a real thing but if there's a real thing it's like who do people want to inequality in this country and that's off the goddamn charts right i mean it's just as men and as women we just have to we have to understand some people they have a unearned tyranny on sexual affection it's unearned they didn't have to do anything like these russian women the people are lying to you about right yeah you meet them and you go jesus it's just russian gladiator genetics in perfect like model form and you're like holy let me get the out of this room quick i was on a cruise one time i was married

87:41and um and i had ran into like the back quarter the i rented the same spot oprah stays in and it cost a fortune and i we're out on the deck and and there's two big sweets in the middle and another one just like mine at the end but the one that was in this one which was also a real expensive room was this russian dude and he was short kind of chunky and bald but the girl that was with him was just a 12. and i knew his second i saw her i was because there's no way my wife was not going to catch me just at least taking one little glimpse out of the corner of my eye and then she was going oh now that's what you want you'd rather her than me and i'm like no i don't know absolutely not absolutely not why would i why would i that's outrageous what an outrageous assertion what an accusation yeah if they only knew how vulnerable we are to a woman like that it's like that woman can there's a lot

88:50of people that that woman can like run their life and they they'll meet a guy who's an accountant who's never at 12. and they'll start talking to him and basically and there's nothing you can do anything they want to do as long as they're willing to actually touch him as long as they're willing to stick their beautiful tongue in that guy's mouth he's helpless suck on his lips grind that against his dick he's gonna grab his ass cheese put your finger on the base of his taint and rub it while you stick your tongue down his throat his dick as hard as a rock whoa these things have never happened to this man there goes the neighborhood you just back the car up to the house throw the keys in the yard tell the kids yeah that's that iced tea song i really hoped it would turn out this way there goes the neighborhood iced tea and body count yeah there's certain women that you

89:47could they could just run you i oh i know i know i know i i get it yeah i get it i married one of them you've got to be careful just get you all right if you if you're not if you're not here's the thing yeah how much of that like for dudes who you there's certain cases where you know it's not gonna work like god damn it this dude he's like a uh a small sheep and he married a wolf right it's just a matter of time before she fleeces him and gets the out of dodge and hopefully he'll still be alive but this is not going to work out but we've all seen that before we've all i i wish i could tell you this story i wish you could too let's shut this podcast off and resume in 10 minutes okay all right let me let me tell you this story because i just don't want to say it i understand it's intertwined with something right right right but it's very very pertinent with that legal ramifications can

90:46anybody go to jail no can anybody get sued no no i don't think so and it's the truth okay so i'll just create a fictional scenario let's call the gentleman what do you want to call him let's let's let's call him todd blaker todd bleaker okay no i can't even do it this way because i'll get chastised i think people would find out slow down yeah yeah and also i'm i'm drunk and i know you get me drunk on your show and it's oh it's my fault people on reddit they had their fingers above the keys they were hovering they're ready to start searching right no no there is no such thing as a guy named man and i will not tell the uh the story on this but anyway what was amazing was i saw it happening in front of me yeah you you know is his wife was they'd been married for a long time and he didn't look like much and and uh and at all and uh and and there was a kind of an assistant and uh that was

91:59ridiculously gorgeous and and so i just looked at that and i was like uh you know where this is going yeah it went exactly yeah i've seen that i thought it was going and and uh and there was nothing he can do i mean it was absolutely he was completely powerless over this person you know there was nothing he could do oh yeah like gary oldman and dracula remember that like when knowing the rhino was just hypnotized by him yeah she was opening his shirt in the middle of night and gary old would be slithering into the windows as missed right or body heat with uh it's like oh yeah with kathleen turner oh he throws the chair through the window oh throw that right that put ice in the bathtub yeah he didn't even want to use the door to her yeah oh that was great was kathleen turner back in the desert oh people got it as hot as it gets she was so sexy i mean she developed some health

93:00problems as she got older but when she was young holy week holy yeah it was amazing yeah there was a lot if you ever feel like rubbing one off thinking about me i owe you a few so go ahead and do it nice nice reciprocation yeah it's hard when you're watching a guy get preyed upon when you're watching like a man struggle with the spider's web and you're like well hey man you know it'll be fun when she does you right yeah yeah right so as long as you can stay active right get close to her don't let it get too much money yeah be careful yeah it uh i i know because uh you know the the wife had been around for a long time and it was a contract so yeah so there goes that part of it but i think the paperwork was fairly solid and towards the end of like a limit or whatever okay now everybody's going no just keep moving all right i knew a guy was about to marry a gal and shouldn't

94:00and he was trying to uh do uh no prenuptial and my friends were screaming at him like what the are you talking about and he's like look man i don't if it if it doesn't work out i'd like her to have half and they went what the it's almost like you know like you wish you had garlic to put around here right now you're telling noah about the flood so really they have two animals and they're listening you're ugly she's not okay understand this world is not fair the reality of not fair is you made enough money to attract her but she's got a she's got a web and you might get hooked you might get injected or you might be able to figure out a way to keep her nervous hmm right how do you do that joe you gotta act mysterious bro i'm serious gonna have like a book is that how you did it yeah special books that you read you gotta be moody gotta go on early morning runs

95:01while they're still asleep you gotta get show powers i'm not doing any of these things you gotta show powers i haven't done one of these things you have to be different you have to be able to quote shakespeare yeah you got to be um you know you got to be willing to give up a lot of money if you're an ugly dude you got a hot wife you got a certain amount of time before she gets bored with your trainer right your trainer you're right what i think is going to happen is within the next that exact same thing oh i've seen that happen yeah i've uh i've been friends with a lot of people where that's happened um what i think is going to happen within the next 50 years is they're going to be able to eliminate the idea of unattractive people legitimately through through dna right i think they're going to be able to do that we're they're not going to know the world that we knew when we were kids

95:50no internet no fake tits sometimes people were just unattractive no one knew anything about diet nobody worked out nobody worked out yeah when i was in high school nobody worked dudes would like bench press and you know like how many women lifted weights when we were in high school the cheerleaders were in good shape yeah for a little while yeah for a little while and they got fat nobody nobody kept going did rocky really start like the big movement started my movie that's what i've read about it but i don't know how true it is i was too way too young dude when rocky came out i think i was seven and uh i drank raw eggs and ran around the block and i told sylvester stallone i don't doubt that one single bit i 100 did i was like holy i want to be a fighter i started drinking eggs and running i never ran i was seven years old my doing running yeah maybe i was it had no such effect on him

96:41i was like we're running i'm running it was amazing maybe i was eight i didn't know how old i was but i remember it when it came out i i've never been more inspired for something in my life that movie changed the world people don't even understand how good it was he lives on my street does he really yeah he does i saw him one time driving his range rover with a with a big cockatiel on his shoulder and i'm like well that's kind of cool there he is there he is running around waits at his hand and running with converse all-stars one of the reasons why i wear them to this day they might not be all stars they might be keds they might be like some cheap walmart version who knows but this is some epic in the 1970s what year was this movie i don't know what let's take a guess what year do you think it was i want to say it was like 79 yeah 76 the spirit of 76 was the rematch no

97:38there was 76 because that was when apollo creed i i wasn't 76. yeah i had a middle age exactly doing one nighters across uh uh i believe it was alabama we and uh he drove a 1917 he drove the bicentennial vega right so it was a vega the 76 vega had said 76 you know some things that would you know celebrate the sesquicentennial or whatever it was the um i was thinking probably 200 years i guess i don't know a long time i was nine years old when this movie came out so that's exactly how old i was i gotta tell you technique's not that good it's a he needs to tighten up on his swing like the way he's throwing punches that would have been seventy seconds he needed a coach he needed a coach well he got one in carl weathers this was uh in rocky ii right rocky ii carl weathers became his p or was it rocky three three three right because that was when he fought mr

98:42t yeah that's right right yeah before he's dead hey woman hey woman since that man ain't got no heart i bet you stay up every night wish he had a real man bring your pretty little self hold my apartment tonight and i'll show you a real man he probably would have too i couldn't believe he was saying that to rocky right right it was like if he was saying it to wahoo mcdaniels you know yeah man oh i didn't even finish that story oh yeah whatever so here's what happened my first encounter with the police i found out that the bad guys were coming out of one side one dressing room and the good guys were coming out of the other side so i went up to the stands and waited for the super inferno to come out and when he came out i spit on him i just spit on him there's a big old i hated it with well i really i did i i've never hated anybody before i'm eight i just spit on him and uh then the cops

99:38saw me do it and they came got me and they took me to my cousin and they're like he spit on the super inferno and like uh he you know he was like oh that's horrible and if he doesn't anything you just keep and so but afterwards my cousin thought it was hilarious of course he did that's a story i was trying to put him out yeah the super inferno do you think you oh i get it yeah it's funny yeah i don't think i've ever been to see a live professional wrestling match other than eleanor kerrigan from the comedy store well you know you know tony and uh those guys they they go to these oh yes and uh oh yeah they're like you gotta go with us i'm like nah you know all right tony was responsible for 10 minutes of my last special me on him for progress right right right it was i remember it i remember he loves it yeah though he he does that show the the four what is it called

100:36for storm and i believe force dorman it's a they do a wrestling podcast from the comedy store with a bunch of other comics who are the other guys final two names you'll find it out online but uh yeah he loves that loves it he's always like dude you gotta watch it with me you'll love it i loved it when i was a kid it's the store horseman oh it's store horsemen yeah oh perfectly who are the gentlemen that are involved in this venture with him fun show i did it once tony hinchcliffe johnny escorted us matt edgar and josh martin there you go there you go chris burns there you go there you go um yeah they do it from the basement you've been that uh studio downstairs in the basement i did a podcast out of there great down there man it's i love the fact that the comedy stores embrace podcasts you know what the comedy store embraces what's important always over any other place so you know

101:33what they embrace comedians and they you know customers really come second uh to the comics there so because there's one parking lot people probably not know this but there's one parking lot holds about 30 cars or something like that or 20 cars or whatever and guess who gets to park there the comedians that are playing that night they get to pull right up and park by the door and that is so cool to me and not only that there's a bar that if your name is not written on that building you can't go in it without somebody whose name is written on that building yeah and those are the and it's so cool to have your name written on that building and go to that bar that's just for you and uh and and that you know they they they have the my number one tequila and and uh i can smoke cigars and not everybody can smoke in there but i get that one little extra deal they don't give a they'll let you

102:25do whatever you want in there so uh yeah yeah and there you know there's a place to smoke pot they built that they built a glass piano for prior to snort cocaine because they understood here's what they understood joe here's what they understood they understood that comics are insane yeah so come be insane here yeah you know if if you're crazy we get it we don't care yeah come be crazy here you know and and then at the improv you had bud freeman go going language language watch your language he'd say that i heard him say it and the first time i ever came to the comedy store which was probably in 90 or 89 i made a soldiering out here you know to see what happened so i don't know anything i don't know anything i don't have any friends i don't i don't know anybody i got it i stayed in the cheapest hotel room on sunset boulevard which was fifty dollars which was outrageous back then

103:25and uh and in the first day i got into a a hotel into an elevator with this huge black transvestite that that was all dressed up going to a show going to a to a you know at one of those big drag queen shows and uh i was like okay all right and uh but i went to the to the comedy store first and they it was a monday night and they put me on i told them i've been doing you know staying up in texas for you know a couple of years and they put me on they and i didn't do very well and uh not necessarily you know early in the set same piano player you know this nothing changes and uh but i would go to the to the improv and buddy come over to me go and he knew me because he'd seen me do open mic at the improv and uh or be the opening act and the improv in uh in dallas and he come up to me and go ron could you do me a favor i'm like yeah bud what could you stand

104:29over there because you're blocking the way through here for the like okay a little further a little further okay okay so they just wouldn't they you know they i was a new guy you know and all i needed was you know a a break whether i deserved it or not they gave it to me it's a store the store has a heart that way you know they you know well they they the store is the art form is primary that's everything yeah it's like everything it's everything you know it's built around that art form he didn't used to let the agents and the managers in that you couldn't get it you had a pot you had to buy a ticket if you like were a caa agent you wanted to come see this guy or that guy ron white he had to buy a ticket that was the only place in town because so the agents couldn't just come in and and run the place like they did in a lot of places they would come they would be in the back of the room

105:21talking i remember i went to a showcase once it was uh back with william morris uh put on this showcase of the comedians they represented and they did at a club like a nightclub on sunset and nick depaola was on stage yeah and they asked me to perform like you're out of your mind i'm like there's no way i'm gonna perform at this i know what this is i'm like i'm not looking to get hired for anybody i'm already represented i go i'm going to watch like this is going to be a disaster so i go with my manager and i'm in the top level and everyone's talking all these agents and agents assistants artists proud they're not even watching for no reason they're not even watching ron and so i'm watching these guys struggle on stage where no one john henson goes up and then nick depaulo goes up but nick is the only one who said anything about it about everybody talking at the top like these are my

106:13agents this is unbelievable he was he was making fun of it but it was the comedy store would never allow that they would kick everybody out of that room get the out of here right like get out of here and they they still to this day don't tolerate that kind of that uh they don't breed that kind of thing you can't have hollywood and also let me go on record saying this joe uh i'm not saying i don't like the other rooms and i'm not saying i'm not glad they're there and i'm not saying i don't need them as bad as i need the store uh uh they're they're good solid comedy rooms and i think they're trying to make the adjustments and they're starting because somebody asked me the other day at one of the other clubs one of the comics hanging out at the comedy store i'm like oh yeah let me tell you well number one you don't sell my tequila and they do and uh and but also they

107:10they when i come to your place i gotta either i gotta i got a valet park and pay for it you pay me 25 to do a set they pay me 35 now both of these numbers are low but to some comics they'd rather have that other channel they noticed the 10 bucks you need the money for sure in a lot of cases now you have to choose between those two clubs is it still that way no i mean i know it was no the store and the improv in particular get along really well we get along really well now and paige who does all the booking for the improv is always at the store and she's good friends with adam okay so we're all around that's good yeah that's why i offered you a spot on the show that i'm doing tonight at the improv if you wanted to do it because i'm i'm there tonight yeah you're doing a show tonight yeah i'm doing a show at eight o'clock tonight the improv i got another one thursday night at the improv

108:02anytime i'll do the one tonight four o'clock yeah ron white yeah beautiful i mean look how drunk am i now at what time is it the perfect time it's five o'clock all right bye time eight o'clock rolls around you'll be simmering you'll be like braised beef i'm going to need adderall you'll be falling off the bone that's what i want are you putting it in your schedule it's three hours no oh jay mcgraw your uh your boyfriend i love him i had his daddy on the show i know he's calling me now he's his daddy his dad's a genius dr phil yep he's a great guy like people who don't know dr phil he's a great guy you know it it's uh he he he sent me a text the other day and he goes i've got this idea you're gonna think it's crazy and uh so we we meet at the beverly hills hotel and uh and i play a lot of golf with doc and i know him well and i have for 10 years and or whatever who's doc dr phil

109:06oh and uh yeah who remember who we're talking about yeah but he said doc i never called him i call him phil oh i don't i call him doc he's dad yeah jay's daddy can j come out and play that's what i said so he he goes all right here's what we should do we should do a two-man show and uh and uh and i know he's out of production and i know he's bored yeah and he's also hurt so he's had that motorcycle wreck and you know he's got new shoulder surgery right brand new uh so he's like he really can't play golf and i know he's just bored so he it so he really and and and i would do anything dr phil wanted to do you know because i i love spending time with him and uh in the end anything he does is a big success anyway so i would do it but he really he here was his idea okay it's a it's a it's a two-man show on broadway right and he goes and then you know i'm not sure how it starts

110:12and i'm like okay it would probably start where the curtain opens and you and i are standing there because it's a two-man show on broadway that's probably how it starts and he goes and then we can do a q a and i'm like no we'd have to do something before the q and a doc right because we've done that before and it's hilarious right or just as close as we are i mean where we're born and our circumstances in life and uh and and and and he's completely undimensionally beyond me as far as any kind of success that anybody's ever had but it was but we both came from nothing in the same part of the world and so we have this connection that people have a hard time understanding you know they can't believe you and dr phil literally we tell people we love each other and that's i mean and and and to give you a good example that he took me diving we flew on his gulf stream to the cayman islands

111:11and i didn't have a certificate or anything but i'd had one it was just expired and and and so we went on this dive and he watched me like i was four years old the whole time we were underwater and uh if i got close to something i shouldn't touch you know he's like so so i know he loves me right i know he loves me and and uh and so but the way he really didn't have an idea but i just knew that i i knew that he was that he was bored and he wanted to have lunch and and talk about something i'm like let's talk about it because i would do anything i i would love to figure out something to do with him that makes sense because we because we come off really fun together in a in in in a in in a juxtaposition situation right and uh our views even though we come from a similar background how different the views are in some ways and how simple they are in some ways so

112:10it's fun stuff we should do your podcast together i would love it yeah yeah he just did it he just did it like uh two weeks ago right yeah i knew that i knew that that's what he told me hmm no he's exceptional love that guy he's easy going guy too really easy to be around right you know like comfortable in his own skin see you know there's a reason why he's so successful right it's not like anybody could do that like look at that dr oz guy that dr oz guy i just i watch him and i was like i don't know i don't know i don't know doc well you know he he does three unscripted hours a day all day and he does a podcast now and i did his podcast because also during that lunch he said i also have a podcast and i'm going to start it up and uh and i'm going to i'm going to do a few people before i do you just get used to it and then i have you come on i'm like well for sure

113:06i'll do that how funny is that he thinks he needs to get used to it all right yeah he does unscripted television with a camera in his face all day long well it turns out he didn't need to get used to it he was great at it from the very beginning of course he was yeah that's the same exact skill he talks to people he knows how to talk to people he knows how to listen that's the yeah that's like what is missing yeah and a lot of people when it comes to where i was playing golf with the one time when i was going through a divorce and uh people ask me does he give unsolicited advice and i'm like he doesn't give solicited advice even if you ask so i'm i'm playing golf with him and i'm like doc this uh this divorce is killing me it's just killing me and he goes keep your head still when you putt that's what he said i'm like what he goes keep your head still when you're putt

114:02you you're in a better mood when you putt well but you're moving your head all over the place so why don't we start with keep your head still when you putt which now is a metaphor for a lot of things to me is keep your head still when you putt you know do what you do well you know it's what makes you feel better whatever you know but in that particular case that those were really simple words and i know they were right off the cuff and i've thought about them all the time since you keep your head still when you putt that's solid advice yeah right so it's so it's it's it's a little be be more centered be and you know be in the zone i'm not if you're playing pool keep your head down when you shoot right keep your head down with your shoulders don't jump up on the shot right and that was a follow through but but you wouldn't exactly call it advice but but it was it was something i

114:51listened to and continue to think about to this day it is advice because if you're really good at golf in that respect if you know how to not move your head like that's a discipline where you can you can apply that to the rest of your life right you know you're if you're loose and you're not thinking and you're up and you're not using good technique your head's going to be all over the place right same thing with pool stay down on your shoulder right now archery yeah oh yeah keep your head still yeah yep follow through correct follow through it's very important some more do you try to control it be all herky jerky and archery is all archery is incred one of the most zen things i've ever done in my life surprisingly surprisingly zen you know foxworthy when he built his big house in georgia he had uh deer set up deer targets set up that he could walk out in the balcony of his office

115:40and get his bow hair yeah i have them in my yard i have them all over the place we had a deer problem in our neighborhood and i said you know what you ought to do just shut the gates and turn foxworthy loose in here with a pillow and he would kill everything in here he's a natural-born killer he is you gotta be real careful with people shooting arrows in neighborhoods they do that in certain places they have uh these uh residential deer hunting permits where they will allow bow hunters to come in and uh shoot deer in you know suburban communities because they just have such an overpopulation too many people are hitting them with their cars right yeah yeah so like there's places like i think there was one place in texas you can feed them doritos out of your hand yeah they'll just spread around you and go yeah here's a bag of doritos especially those high fence places right

116:32where they have feeders set up for them um there's there's a place in in pennsylvania look up this is true there's a neighborhood where you can hunt deer there hundred sixty five people story a pig story tommy no no no no go ahead no i'm done all right jamie will google the pennsylvania place where you can hunt deer 365 days a year all right so let me let me figure out a way to tell this story okay uh you know jay our buddy j mcgraw is a tv producer right so they they produce the doctors and the dr phil's show and the bull on cbs but they also have another 10 or 12 shows on any level of cable and if they can sell it they'll make it as a tv production company so the guy that made the movie and i always screw up his name so i'm going to have you look it up that did the movie the about the the kid and it took 16 years to make link lighter as am i saying right from texas

117:31i don't know that movie was that movie they followed him from the time he was a kid yeah but the movie took 16 years to make oh yeah it was called about a boyhood boy yeah so and the director was jamie's got a lot of tabs open i think link letter yeah and uh so he he uh he he bought to uh i just want to get the story right got it he he bought two miniature pot belly pigs that turned out to be not miniature pot belly pig whitney cummings says that's not real at all those miniature pigs are just starved little pigs let me okay let me finish let me finish all right so he needs to find something to do with these pigs and it turns out in bastrop texas where he lives now this is a very famous artistic probably one of the best directors alive and he's from texas he did that he did the first movie with matthew mcconaughey uh about living in austin i and i i you know you just get me so wasted on

118:48this show i can't even remember anything but anyways matthew mcconaughey with aids right no no no no no no no this is the first thing matthew mcconaughey really discovered mcconaughey in when he was going to university of texas and did the movie what why i got to start bringing a friend with me um what is it huh which one i'll say i don't know the one you just talked about yeah boyhood no no no no matthew mcconaughey that's the first one the matthew mcconaughey and that director first movie matthew mcconaughey ever did i think was tasting confused daisy confused old school all right all right all right all all right dear so oh okay was the deer thing true yes i found a neighborhood where it's true but i'll wait okay so here and i'm gonna insert a story all right so this is my matthew mcconaughey story when i was moving to austin i have friends there that are you know

119:46i like austin i got friends but i always thought you know i'll end up being friends with matthew mcconaughey and cause we we know a lot of the same people you know and uh and we both smoke pot we're both from texas we're both you know and that's what all happened and uh and i love him and i i really like working with and i was like that's why i'll be friends it'll be great it'll be a great part of my thing in austin so i meet matthew mcconaughey a chariot event but in in this scenario i have imagined him saying you're ron white you're my favorite comedian ever i got a hot tub going off in my backyard with a couple of girls and i got these great joints and we'll go over there and smoke pot drink tequila and vap this girl but what happened was he went oh nice to meet you and then he went on to be the next person and it was a long pause there where i should have said i love your work

120:42but i didn't because i already had it planned out that he was supposed to say how much he loved me and so i just left a long pause there and then when it was all over with i said i should have told him i loved him i should have told him i should have told him i loved him but i didn't and that's the time with planning so anyway back to the big story so this guy finds the pig rescue and uh decides he wants to do a documentary about it well he calls uh jay mcgraw's right hand girl right-hand girl right woman brilliant girl that runs things 4j and i can't remember her name because i'm an idiot and i've met her two times but uh and and says i'd like to do a documentary on this this thing so she tells jay and he goes link letter all right yeah so he calls cbs and i don't even know i should be telling the story and they and they say yeah we'll do anything he wants to do he's got his name on it

121:48right he's got a movie coming out with cate blanchett that's supposed to win everything there is and he's an amazing guy and just an artist doesn't care a thing about anything but art doesn't matter if it takes 16 years to make this guy's amazing so jay has this idea of us doing uh uh judge roy bean with me as judge roy bean but doing a comedy and uh or we we're not even zeroed in on what but we like me doing that character of preacher hangman bartender right so uh and i would like to play the role and i wouldn't mind finding a tv show to settle into at my age you know for a while you know if i could do it but it's got to be the right thing with the right people right or i won't do it and uh so cbs says yeah we'll do it you know the yeah we'll do it and uh so they're they're gonna make they're gonna have a meeting and so jay calls me and he goes well why don't

122:48we talk to him about this george judge roy bean thing so i live in austin right so i'm right 27 miles from bastrop and and so i go out there for the meeting and it's in this little restaurant on a river and and uh and they talk about that for a little while and then we talk a little bit about judge roy bean and then it's time to go to the pig rescue well i don't have to go to the pig rescue but now i'm big you know i really want him to track this film because i know if he does it'll be made of film you know it'll be it'll be a big thing if he doesn't so i go 250 pics well kept and well-fed fenced in and pinned they actually there's a feral pig problem in that part of texas and they have these cameras that are predator cameras and they they have footage of these huge feral pigs walking up to this fence looking at these pigs going how'd y'all get in here

123:46really you lay in the mud and they bring you food what the f how do you we don't even know we don't know how we got in here we're just in here and uh and they're they're anywhere from they had some rescues that were little bitty to 750 pound pigs all of them sold at the same premise that these are miniature pigs and uh 750 pounds 750 people who are these people that are selling your pigs are they still doing that yeah yeah yeah alex rumundo bought three of them you think i'm kidding he bought three of them and turned them loose in the wild and then yeah they turned into pigs what are you gonna do well he lived up in uh uh up in the whatever the high mountains he's part of the problem right part of the problem he's part of the problem okay here you go so we go i'm walking around it's all it's all it's it's well done and this guy seems really reasonable right and uh

124:46and he's also an executive for a construction company a big construction company and this is his passion and then and then all right this is the part i can't tell so we yeah yeah i just can't say this part of it i understand and uh pigs so and i end up liking the pigs you know they're they're nice if you scratch them they have arthritis the big ones they can hardly get around and but it's basically it's a who's gonna save these pigs kind of an operation and i'm like the well the you know the carnita guy that would you know probably pitch in you know if you wanted to retire you know because i asked the guy i said what's the um where do they go from here and he goes that's it this is it so um so either someone adopts them or they get turned to bacon they uh no they that's it they live there until they die wow is the way i understand these are weird because they're almost

125:51like dogs here i left this part out oh so we're in the house talking about the ship and uh and i've had enough of it and i've got a joint in my pocket and i really want to smoke some pot and hang with the pigs because it seems like that would be really fun you know just to scratch on the pigs all stone and and that's how mature i am and uh and so this pig comes out of the back squealing and they go that's whitney cummings pig so she rescued a pig during the malibu fires she uh documented it very heavily on her instagram yeah i'll show it to you i've seen her pig i i saw it in person that's whitney cummings pigs so then like a couple nights later i'm up at the store and whitney cummings sits there and i go oh where do you see this she drove that picture all the way across took her like two days of driving she's insane drove a pig in a car for two days to a pig sanctuary that is ridiculous

127:03that is hilarious dude that's whitney cummings pig that's hilarious that's crazy i want to hear more of the story but i gotta piss so bad i'm gonna pee my pants two podcasts in a row talk to this guy i'll be right back we can't just cut the thing off for a while we could just cut it off totally yeah uh no no no no no i don't i don't i don't want to end it because it's just it's 5 30. yeah yeah we'll wait i got nothing to do i got nowhere to be so bad sorry i saw how was uh you run kill tony last night you're telling me i had a good time there yeah yeah yeah uh it was a it was just a gas i i had friends uh uh i had dinner with friends that night and uh in malibu and then came out and did that set and uh and it was it's just a great idea for a show the kill tony show if you have a chance to download uh that podcast uh it's a it's a hoot it's it's so much fun to do it's

127:58a live audience down the comedy store and uh it's a great premise and i won't bore you with all the details but you can just tune in if you check the video it probably is up on youtube uh oh yeah oh yeah it's a it's a big it's not uh it's not joe's show but it's a big interesting huh the band just dropped out of the blue collar comedy guys oh they were oh it was so funny jeremiah doing foxworthy was uh was it really jeremiah just makes me laugh so hard everything he does just kills me and uh he'll be you know hopefully in my old age he'll be giving me mercy work because i tell him how good he is he has his own podcast too at uh jeremiah wonders where he does he does some voices and whatnot does he ever guess because you should probably you should talk about it i don't know that i i didn't know that you weren't on it i didn't want to say it that way but no i haven't been on it uh

128:57the uh i always wondered why bill byrd didn't have me on his show in the fans that he didn't have anybody she doesn't all by himself some people a lot of comedians crystalia does it all by himself too oh really he's had like one guest on i think it was just his brother for a special but he's done 130 or so all by himself it's a logic you could do one probably all by yourself too you know what actually i could i've got to save up thoughts for eight months to do the rogan show and uh so i saw him loyal to the i'm i'm loyal to this show huh do you know what that is no mitzi shore oh wow yeah uh our friend taylor taylor boss he uh painted that for me wow how badass is that that's an old picture of mitzi when she's like 30 something she was cute cute oh yeah she was very hot she was uh one of the most important figures in the history of the comedy one of the most important figures in my life

129:52for sure that lady mentored me all of us i mean all of us because that's that's the only reason the store exists she let the inmates run the silence right she's the only person that let the inmates understood it run the mental hospital there's that's the actual original picture of her how great is that ah that's amazing she's like betty white you ever see those titty pictures of betty white when she was like 21 years old yeah but mitzi was so crazy and wild like it's all right that she's got her nipples in that picture right she's uh our friend rose who's uh taylor's girlfriend uh put a post on her uh when she died i couldn't repost it like for any other woman i met might be able to repost it but she said like i forget what she called or something about something she called her like the greatest boss in history like i can't i can't say that i like it but i can't repost that

130:49right you know just didn't you just say it yeah but i mean i can't say it i can't put it on my instagram you know i'm just repeating what she said okay but it was just to me it was uh hilarious and accurate a woman can say like that about a a lady like her it doesn't look bad a man calls her a boss like hey have some respect right it's mitzi shore but yeah so taylor painted for me and uh hangs over the studio watches over us you know i genuinely don't think i ever met her no no yeah i had some great conversations with her like you know when i came in that first time you know i was just in and out and i had no idea what was going on and and then i really didn't come back to uh because i did a show in newport beach it's a laugh stop out there and just got this horrifically horrible review did i tell this story last time i was on it was so bad how bad oh there was a picture of me don't even

131:51seem to stand up for like three and a half years and then and so then the guy that booked that room watched me do it uh like a eight-minute set in austin and i had a killer eight minutes but he hires me to do 45 minutes and uh and and so i go out there and i'm nervous anyway right because it's that's a big club and uh and the two guys before me where uh seinfeld and slayton so right so and then ron white's three and a half year old booger eaton thing and and uh so and at this point i don't realize how bad i am because i haven't read it yet and uh so before i'm nervous and they go that's duncan strauss and uh and he writes uh the comedy reviews for the orange county edition of the la times which is about six million people and uh i'm like oh i should have well i wish you'd given me a day or two to settle in and so so i do the set and it's not great and it's uh but it's not bad

133:07you know i i think i pulled it off you know they laughed at it you know they laughed at what i'd put together and whatever it was and and i expect him to be there to congratulate me on the on how good the uh set was and shake my hand and do a little interview to build this great interview so but he wasn't there and i'm like oh okay well then that next night there's like a little open mic night before me so there's uh and one of the guys i know steve epps from uh uh texas is on that and and then that night i kill and i'm really drunk and you know and i'm giving advice to other comedians you know because i mean my ego is just flare and i'm like i'm probably going to leave my wife and go find that girl and let the cotty beer poster you know it's amazing and people are patting me on the back on your man you're really really good oh it's amazing yeah yeah i am and i am

134:09so i'm staying at the marriott swedes hotel on the bay which is the nicest hotel i've ever stayed in and uh you had to pay for part of it yourself and but that was all i had i mean i was making i didn't never made that much money before it was like 14 or 1500 and and uh for a week and and uh so it's it's it's unbelievably beautiful with a gorgeous view phone bathroom you know two bathrooms big marble everything big nice stuff and uh they go back after that well now the review comes out the next morning and i get this massive hangover i'm just so i'm sick drunk waking up going up jesus christ and i just i blink my eyes and start going oh the review the glorious review is out the review that's going to be touting my praises to the masses all over the this area of uh southern california probably the beginning to my hugeness and uh probably what's gonna happen

135:17so it turns out i had bought a bag of popcorn when i was drunk and i followed that bag that popcorn trail from my bed out the door down the hall into the elevator the elevator i got on had popcorn on it so it was the same one i came up in i was just drunk staggering around with a popcorn bag and i followed that now this place is just right down the block from the from the club and when i go to when i'm playing at a club i i hang out at the club a lot you know because that's i just those are the people i know anyway those have been my friends forever so they're still my friends you know i love the so these are the people that work there so i walk in the door and uh one of the girls that worked there looked at me and she goes don't read it and i'm like what they go don't read it ron it's not true it isn't true and it's a hatchet job i'm like it's a what a hatchet job so

136:19i'm like no give it to me i i can i can read it got you know how bad could it be so there's a big picture of me this pic six million people this big it was the article was this big it was a quarter of a page and it said in big black print even when white's not blue he's not funny and i dropped the newspaper on the floor i couldn't hold up a one ounce newspaper because the life had just sucked out of me and i also agreed with them and felt like i had just been found out as a phony and i was a phony and i didn't belong here at all and uh and i picked it up and read it and uh and it said watching white's 41 minute show so they were nice enough to point out i didn't i just had to i had to scrape and crawl to get to 41 much less the 45 i'd agreed to they pointed that out with was like watching a polar bear lumber around on stage and something comical or interesting happening only occasionally

137:29now here's why i can quote that all these 29 years later i went across the street to the liquor store and bought a bottle of tequila and a pack of razor blades true story i go back up to my marriott sweets on the bay and uh sit there at this big desk and i'm just drinking this tequila reading it over and over and over and over and i got a big bag of weed and i'm smoking pot and i've convinced myself that they're going to cancel the show because who would come to a show right with a review like that and uh and then i'm thinking well they probably have to pay me for the shows i did even you know even though i wasn't able to finish the week right so i just i just assume i'm fired i genuinely believe that in my heart that i'm fired and uh so i i wake up from this stupor and i got a drool stain on this article and a half a joint and a bottle of i mean it's dismal right it's dark dark time

138:46and i walked down there the show sold out both of mars comedy in 1990 89 or 90 whatever it was and you know all the clubs were sold out nobody gave a about that review and uh they give a and then i went on stage because i was still a wreck though i'm drunk i just woke up i'm not very good anyway i have no confidence whatsoever i totally agree that i suck and i'm not worth a goddamn thing and i go up there and have the worst set i've ever had on a sold-out house and it was just sucked i just sucked it was a horrible and uh and then the guy that booked me calls the club and they go he goes yeah because he read the article and he goes that's got to be a gut punch i mean it was long there was other in it too and none of it was good and uh so then they they get me on the phone with him and they get because they asked them they said we just want to see if he's

139:45okay and they're like oh no he's not okay he's not okay at all i'm like i'm really now i'm now i'm calling my wife going i just want to talk to you because i love you so much i'm not thinking about the ducati beer poster anymore i'm just calling her i just love you i want to be together forever and she's like kind of standoffish like like you could tell i had a bad review so that uh that kind of scared me away from l.a for a while and i realized then that they were right and i should have been slapped in the face and i wasn't good enough to be on that stage i was not and that guy actually apologized to me one time because i saw him later in live and i'm like no dude you were totally right you were completely right i should have been slapped in the fact three years in you're just getting your legs yeah no yeah i had no business there yeah and uh and so you know it all worked out the

140:36you know the best way it possibly could have and that but that also included a couple slaps in the face going you're you know you're not i think those are important i really do i think in the in the moment those feel bad but every big leap i've made as a comic because after i bombed yeah every big leap for real like the you know someone telling me they had a bad time my show i just felt like you were off like that feeling makes me so hungry to figure out how to do it right that's where where it comes from it makes you you know you you realize there's urgency to this thing and then over the years part of the fear of bombing is what makes me work so hard on new part of the fear is what makes me do so many sets i'll do two podcasts a night and then i'll do four shows right i'll go to the store i'll do two at the show a store i'll do one or two at the improv i might even go to the ice house

141:28or the haha i'll around all day these are all the reasons i'm not as good as joe rogan right here i get scared ron white i get scared i do too yeah you know i do too and i you know i i i well i can't i can't tell you it uh at 62 i do all those sets but i do i do go out and do something a lot of sets and a lot of guys that are kind of in my you know in my age group really don't come out and do such that much and but i come out and do says and i hang out you're ageless dude we don't think of you you know you said that one time uh in the back room you're like i'm older than you guys and we're like we don't give a that doesn't mean anything this is this this thing is about comedy it doesn't matter if you're lesbian if you're trans if you're from philadelphia or the philippines no one gives a are you funny and if you're funny that's all we care about we don't care if you're 90

142:25or 19. i mean i'm good i'm not nervous what is she 22 or some she might be 22 she's one of my best friends i love that girl she's goddamn hilarious she's a kid we talk all the time we talk about comedy we i have her she hosts my sets of the improv all the time nobody cares nobody cares about your age they care about comedy dhamma rare is the same same way you know nobody thinks that dominoes oh don marrero is older than us no it's dahmer is a goddamn comic he's a monster this is a very very unusual group of humans you really think about the people that we know you know if you looked at the entire population the planet there's eight billion people or seven and a half is that what it is seven and a half something some crazy how many of those are comics is it is it a thousand a couple thousand the real ones how many of them are headlined how many of them can do a solid hour

143:23how many of them have filmed a special how many of them have two three specials jesus christ ron white you and i are and we weird waters there's no it was really 20 of us yeah maybe 20. you're right maybe 20 of us yeah if that yeah we don't give a old you are dude you better stick around i'm fine dude i'm fine i am drunk in the middle of the afternoon when i haven't now i've got work to do thanks to you i had a a friend of mine uh when i was uh my daughter had that event in vegas and i went down to see you they're like you're going to see a comic i go i'm going to see ron white of course i'm gonna go watch him i gotta have the chance what am i doing sit with my wife and watch uh to catch a predator or some i said no that show is down there so whatever they're watching television or something like i'm gonna go downstairs watch ron white i'm at the mirage

144:14you know i still love it still watching it still love it and it's you know it's really a it's such a hotbed i get into it with the guys at the cellar in new york and uh because they're all like this is the most significant comedy club in the in america and i'm like it's the most significant hundred seater you know yeah the idea that that place is more significant than the store is hilarious yeah that's so sick and it's still fun and i love you it's crazy don't get silly right no yeah don't be ridiculous don't get silly yeah that would go you're second place by a large margin right come on son dave chappelle's up at the store all the time chris rock comes by louis ck i'm sure he'll be back all right it's a crazy place man you're there delia's there brian count there joey diaz is there it's it's one night and there were i think it was eight people in the show that make

145:15at least fifty thousand every time they open their mouth in a theater in one show for fourteen dollars come to the crazy store it's crazy and watch a show you know it's not and and if you come like on a a weekend it's not as quite as strong because a lot of the guys are out again girls are doing sets somewhere but yeah but tuesday wednesday thursday one of the best sundays it's uh you know there's nothing like it because we all have to do what we're doing and we're lucky to be able to do it where we do it dude one night the lineup was tom segura bill burr bert kreischer allie wong me joey diaz crystalia tom papa ian it was crazy it's crazy it was crazy by the time you got to the end of the lineup you're like the home alone kid like what the look at this lineup this lineup's insane it is it is and that's also what makes it so fun for me and why it's you know you know i i i live in beverly

146:21hills and i live two miles away and and uh and and that's what gets me off the couch to go uh to go live my life and blow the horn and battery that plays a battery we're doing a lot of shows of the improv though i'm doing two this week i did two last week i'm doing them all the time what i just i talked to them about i'm like how about i just bring some of my friends over because like we could all do show like like santino will do a set at the improv and then we'll shoot over to the store and do his set i'll do it at eight o'clock show store doesn't open until later on week nights it's easy so we've been doing a lot of shows down there too the improv is a great club man it's just the lineups were weird the way it was set up was weird there was a lot of weird going on if you could just get the top-notch people and i was talking to them i'm like look we're right over there

147:07we we could walk here it's a mile away what you know i mean it's a mile away from the store i love the improv but you know if you want to smoke a joint at the improv you have to actually stand on melrose in traffic and smoke your wheat and that ain't cool and they're trying to change that i believe they're going to change that i believe they're looking at that yeah trying to make that they're building that area on top or there's going to be a little balcony out on the roof of the part of it and yeah and i hope they do and if they do it'll make a difference it will make a big difference yeah it will the hang's not that good there it's hard and when you're waiting to go on stage you're essentially in that hallway that's why bud freeman was going rod could you stand over there okay language mitzi shore was literally like you guys sorting them out everybody sorted out sorted it out she

147:55didn't give a man she understood keep everybody safe let the lunatics run the asylum yep yeah and they did i'll never forget the day she passed me ever in my life you're really funny all right you're a paid regular now i was like holy now explain to people what a paid regular is i don't know well it's like you made that you got the stamp of approval you might actually have a career like i wasn't sure if i was going to have a career in comedy which hilarious i was on a sitcom at the time i was out here to do a television show for fox i had done i had been on show time already i had done i'd headlined a lot of clubs all over the country probably prematurely i'd really only been doing stand-up for six years but uh you know i had maybe a good 10 15 minutes i could i could actually do a a real solid half hour if i had to but 15 minutes that i could really kill with

148:49and uh to to be able to do a set in front of her and she goes you're a paid regular i was like i'm a comedian i'm a holy you've you've been given the nod i thought i was a friend you're a made man i thought it was a fraud even when i was saying that even when she said i was like damn i tricked her i tricked all those people in the audience i tricked her that's how i felt i felt like i tricked her tricked everybody but everybody tricks everybody in the beginning yep that's the beginning is the best trick that one guy but it's good that you didn't trick them hard hits they're important important stuff eating on stage is critical if you if you you can't accept the fact that it's a process you can't want everything to happen right away and the only way for you to be really sure that it's not happening yet is to bomb right yeah there's no other nothing other nothing tells you

149:43so succinctly that you're doing it wrong like eating on stage right and you kind of learn a lot from it i mean as you go you know in that you know you don't really mess around that much with comedy's venue you don't want to play a football stadium or whatever right what's the biggest place you've ever performed at uh well blue collar comedy tour we hold the uh the the record uh where the predators uh play hockey in uh in nashville and uh how many people is that twenty thousand that's a lot of something and and elton john held the record before we broke it and the reason we broke it is we were in a center stage in the middle and there's only four of us doing stand-up so nobody will ever have a smaller stage wow for that show there right right how could they and that was right before we filmed blue collar one dude uh josh wolfe showed me a picture when he opened up for larry the cable guy

150:37he opened up at some football arena he's on stage and he takes like a selfie out looking at the audience it's the craziest thing you've ever seen in your life see if you can find it josh wolfe uh opening up for larry the cable guy selfie it's f i don't even know if he put it online he showed it to me on his phone it's bananas there's 50 000 people there you know fifty thousand oh yeah he was doing he's doing crazy crazy crazy numbers insane numbers like and didn't even talk about it you know there's a lot of people that are hating on him he couldn't be a nicer guy he's also a great pace rhythm and timing one liner guys you know and as good as it gets i've seen him just beat crowds to death funny dude and uh and gifted and also has done it you know he's totally paid his dues you know 100 i met him in 92 i thought you've done him longer than i had holy look at that crap

151:34right yeah i haven't played this place look at that crowd that's gonna be uh that's gonna be nebraska right so right everybody's wearing red that's gotta be a memorial stadium in uh lincoln nebraska that is one of the most insane crowds i've ever seen in my life but it makes sense he's got great timing man and i met him like i said in 92 i think at the um comedy works in montreal when jimbo used to run the joint and uh he was a great guy man back then even back then he was a i think he was uh he was a radio personality in florida at the time you know he's just and that cable guy was a character he did in that and that he would bring into a show for one joke and and then and it kind of just took over crazy and people don't know like he's dan whitney he's like a regular person right regular comments yeah but he's trapped right he is larry trapped right oh yeah you're making 30

152:31million dollars a year but it's like this marvelous mrs maisel thing except he's that's who he actually is i mean he doesn't have to wear a fat suit or anything crazy but well his you know his dad was a preacher and a pig farmer from nebraska wow and uh and so he does this a great auctioneer voice little danny whitney from across the street wow a preacher and a pig farmer holy hmm speaking of pigs the pigs just keep coming back yeah who's going to save the pigs joe the thing is you can't save the pigs you gotta kill some of them you gotta you know what pigs are the ultimate conundrum because like it would be nice if we could have like some sort of uh harmony with nature with pigs but that's not possible if they're wild they're up a storm they're having two three litters a year with six to eight little piglets and they're just running rampant and they're they come viable i

153:31think correct me if i'm wrong i think female pigs become viable and can get pregnant after four months four months you're exactly right that's why they make these little bitty pigs and they have these little bitty pigs too and they're the cutest things i've ever seen in my life oh they're adorable and i said can i pick one up and they're like they squeal like a pig you know and and literally i picked one up and they like they made a noise like i was stabbing a screwdriver into their ear and i'm like okay all right well there they are they're smart they're they get scared they're smart it's so it's a crazy thing because like you want to love them but then if they're taking over your neighborhood you want to shoot them and kill them and they're delicious and they're delicious that's their problem all right that's the whole problem they're delicious you know how they got into california no

154:20william randolph hurst oh yeah that crazy he used to bring him and he would uh populate his forest outside of his home with wild pigs up in wild boars russian yeah go out and shoot them like so if you go to like tachopee or any of these areas that have wild pigs or you go to certain areas right towards the middle of near bakersfield there's wild pigs out there oh yeah that's all william randolph wild pigs thanks bill yeah that crazy he let pigs loose in california they're everywhere big sur like hunter s thompson used to hunt wild boar in big sur with a machine gun those were william randolph hearst wild pigs that had populated all the way all the way up the coast all the way up the coast san jose there's a news story from san jose where they were knocking over people's trash cans and these are huge tech communities 800 pound picks they're mowing blowing people most of

155:15their wild ones aren't that big the wild ones are like a big wild ones like 300 pounds the the big really big ones in georgia they're you know what happens there though they're domesticated and then people let them go see don't be looking this up on the computer don't up my story no no i know about this huge one thing i do know about is feral pigs i've studied them pretty pretty closely why because i'm friends with a lot of people that are professional hunters okay and uh i wanted to know how the they got so big like there's a video of uh there's a photo rather one they called hogzilla that was from georgia it's a enormous pig but it looks like look at that king kong hog from russia makes hogzilla look like a baby see i'm not buying that look for that guy look at the guy's head see that guy's head that guy's a mile away where the is that guy that guy

156:07could be on top of that thing and that looks like a german shepherd how much does it weigh we have no idea this is a photograph hold on let me see that tusks again let me see the tusks ah it's a big pig but it doesn't have to be that big that that could be a 300 400 pound big it doesn't even say did they weigh it one thousand one hundred seventy nine pounds that's a big ass who says who says these guys with the scales what what website is this they've got scales what's the website is this wide open spaces hmm that's a pretty reputable world well that's not all the shoulder yeah yeah first five and a half five and a half feet at the shoulder christ i gotta see a picture he brought 200 of these not specifically that one but it was a russian boar that he brought in from russia and they ended up breeding with local feral pigs and they got big yeah well here's the

156:57thing about boars and pigs and all that jazz it all comes from the same genus it's all from something called suscrafa suscrafa is all pigs what's crazy about that is like when you see a domestic pig and they look all cute and cuddly and pink and right when they get loose and they go wandering through the woods they turn feral and their face changes their face gets longer they grow tusks their hair gets thicker this one it says the shoulder height is that how high the shoulders are off the ground five and a half feet jesus christ that's so big that's all i'm three inches shorter than or taller than that five and a half feet that's insane that's this tall on me so me standing up okay i'm five eight look at this watch this here's the pigs here's the pig's shoulder right right there that's a big ass is that three inches right that's on is that like right there

157:44where's three inches like right here that's insane that's a pig that high that's insane that's an elk hog hogzilla was a shoulder height of three feet so that's almost double that's not real though oh man five and a half feet tall that's so big but if it was a thousand pounds that makes sense because uh a good elk is like 800 pounds right no yeah a long horse see these guys are so far behind it oh okay you know what hunter's trick that's a hunter's trick that's his hands on his back where i don't see his hands do you see his hands i don't see his hands not anymore trust me look at it listen that guy is in the next 1100 area code that guy's hiding he's way behind that thing you're supposed to be right next to it and if that is a deceptive photo when you take a photo like that that is you're doing that on purpose what you're supposed to do is supposed

158:36to put your gun or your rifle or your or your bow and arrow you lean it on the animal you stand next to it so that people that know how difficult it is and people say oh you're trophy 100 no you're trying to kill a smart mature animal because that's the one that's healthiest for the population that's the one you want to take out of the breeding cycle this is one that's already spread its genes and hunters respect when someone shoots a mature older animal that's a for sure it looks good right i'm hungry those are not that good to eat unless you really know what the you're doing like you gotta be you gotta slow cook that that one you wanna do low you wanna probably you're gonna brine that get him in a big old vada salt water with brown sugar and garlic and just let them soak for a while this article is sort of saying it could be could be i'm telling you that guy's too far away

159:30you got to listen to me that's right do you see a guy that's that far away what are you saying about russians bro that guy's near the bumper that's the car lie about your pig's eyes look at where his shoulders are they line up almost with the bubbles he does he looks tiny he's way behind that pig in relation to the size of the car exactly like a third grader exactly doesn't make sense yep this guy is hiding he's hiding behind that pig if you wanted people to know the actual perspective if he had a rifle leaning up against that pig and the rifle looked tiny you'd be like holy that's a giant pig yeah but there's nothing in that photo that represents an actual perspective you would have to be standing right look he's hiding he's he was oh you can't even see you could see that ain't a five and a half foot tall pig well that picked six one laying down in this picture yeah in that picture

160:22this is the only evidence they have is a dead one that means that the werewolf we have in the in the lobby could be real too the werewolf was a thousand pounds it's even bigger than this pig yeah it's stupid that's what people do man people take pictures of animals they hide what it's like it's in the hunting world it's called the grip and grin you take a photo like you hold a deer and you like push them way out people do that with fish too like you caught a big bass you take that big bass you put it way in front of you it looks gigantic right if you take that big basket like hey look at my big bass right that's a confident person right confident person's got that bass behind him do you know how big that is wrong bigger wrong keep guessing doesn't matter this guy's a liar the guy with holding it out in front of him he's showboating i'm not buying showboating that pig's 300

161:09pounds that's a baby pig that's why joe rogan are against it whitney cummings pigs brothers and sisters got loose they shot it so i saw her right after that i told you i'm like you're not gonna believe this whitney i have pictures of your pig and i showed it to her on the phone and she just flipped the out yeah she's uh that lady loves animals for real she's yeah whoo god bless her fiance he's in for a a long run of animal husbandry my my friend's wife if she sees an animal that's dead and it's winter she'll bury it she'll put it in her freezer oh god wait for the thaw and then bury it and wait for the ground to thaw and then dig a hole in berry jesus that's deep whitney wouldn't do that sticks to the next level this lady yeah that's taking it to the next level you gotta accept there's a cycle of life you don't have to like just leave it outside for something to

162:10eat yeah that's what you're supposed to do what i do well it's there's a reason for that those animals they need to stay alive too the animals that eat dead animals they need to stay alive too right this is a whole cycle culture not just vultures rats you know there's a lot of uh carrying a lot of something interesting as this show gets drunker and drunker i grow myer lemons at my place and so i look at the lemons and something has eaten the rind off the lemon and left the lemon hanging on the tree perf in perfect condition and uh i'm like well that's odd and then i see one little group of perfectly peeled lemons on the ground and then there's two more lemon pods on the tree perfect lemons no rat i'm like what the is this this is yesterday this is how that's how it's been yesterday this isn't memories from the past which i have almost none of but yesterday and

163:14uh so we looked it up and it's it's called a roof rat and they love it they love specifically meyer lemons which is what these were and they love the the rind but they don't like the sourness of the of the fruit so they just eat the uh they just eat the rind and leave the fruit hanging on the tree and it's it was just uh baffling really when i first saw it look at that they do the exact opposite with oranges right and we also have blood oranges and so they'll put a little hole in them eat all the fruit out of it and leave the husk hanging on the tree with nothing on the inside i'm like jesus christ dicks so now when i eat an orange or a lamb or whatever i'm like throw the rides out there save the fruit you know i i really don't know why i don't like to kill anything i have a peach tree i maybe ate three peaches the whole time i've been living in this house

164:10i've been living in that house since 2003 these goddamn squirrels eat my peaches right they eat every peach i've ever grown look at that look at these rats look at what's what's left there they dug a hole in that i literally never get to eat peaches oh i have all these things going on in my house right now they're called roof rats i got serious coyote problems they have i have no more chickens kiters killed all of my chickens in one fell swoop you ready for this they killed the last nine chickens i had to transfer to them them because my my um chicken coop burnt to the ground so we had to get a smaller coop and you're blaming that on the coyote no no um we the chickens escaped and we saved the chickens and we got them to this other coupe after the fire and it wasn't as reinforced as the original coupe the original coupe i had hired a guy who's a carpenter to build me a nice coop

165:09and he did a great job and the coyotes were on the roof one night chewing at it and i had a i had a death perch set up on my porch i had my hoyt out there i had arrows rangefinder i even had i even laid bait out in my yard waiting for these i was ready i was going full rambo but i lost my patience and i'm a busy man i got a lot of things to do so i abandoned the project right fire burnt my chicken coop down to the ground we put these uh chickens in another coop and these coyotes tore that coop apart and they they did it when we weren't home and uh we came home as just feathers they were all gone all nine of them they're you know part of me admires them you know part of me is like these little wolves are surviving in the suburbs they're trying to figure this out right now man they win break into this thing or die my wife was getting uncomfortable because you're basically making your

166:02house a target you know they're on the roof right next to the house these little small predators are chewing at the roof of the chicken coop before the fire happened and it was like that was when i decided to go to war i didn't fully committed to war because i didn't get i was going to get a subsonic 22. that's the way to go because you're here subsonic 22 it sounds like this pack pack doesn't sound like anything but it's lethal i had a coyote but i don't think it's legal inside city limits like i don't even think i should be saying that i wanted to shoot it no with a with a rifle it's probably like a like a criminal uh intent idea but i never really considered it and i definitely never bought one but i was ready to one up with the bow and arrow but uh now it's over they got they won they figured it out the fire opened up the door and they um after the fire was

166:54they were real sketchy real loud and because they were trying to figure out what the is going on because like all the the brush was gone so probably the rabbits were missing and the rats of course they were yeah we're gonna say jamie yeah it was uh it's weird it came you know came home and see just feathers everywhere man just feathers like just like someone just sliced a few pillows and just shook them all over the yard like you know we should look back and and try to figure out what we should have closed with that's a good way to close close with murdered chickens we got a show tonight ron white will be with me the all shows are sold out all going well the show is sold out this weekend i'm at austin cap city comedy club that sold the out to with george perez who's goddamn hilarious and andrew santino there friday and saturday nah dammit no my place is under uh construction i'm

167:52redoing my house ron white intercontinental man of mystery travels all over the globe homes and many mysterious locations don't you have a place in atlanta too i sold that and bought the place in uh in austin i like it i like the move i like where you like to go to my favorite spots atlanta and austin right right yeah you can easily have fun i could live in either or it's easy to get connected to the music vibe in austin yeah and uh and figure out real quick who you really love to see and sure sure but i like it i like atlanta too yeah i love both of them all right ron white you're a bad it's an honor to call you i appreciate you dearly bad ass you're back at you holla that's it we'll see you soon uh more show tomorrow night termite you