Nikki Glaser

00:00go see a boxing match he doesn't even want that to be the read to one we live we live yeah we were just talking about a sober October and Ari Shaffir and the speculation that he may be in fact doing running some shenanigans we do not know there seems to be shenanigans at play here but he went too strong the first day I don't I don't believe that you could sustain that amount of that heart rate is 80 plus it's interesting look at his graph because he was at 80 plus percent of his max heart rate for more than an hour in 20 minutes which look he might just be trying to kill himself it he's got a strong will does he yes I know shifty honest cuz he'll eventually come out with this is what I did and of course I did that you guys knew I was doing it the whole time that's what he'll say it's not impressive Ari yeah thank you yeah of course so yeah but he is shifty and not like

01:03the you he's a prankster he's a prankster he's definitely gonna do some weird stuff to get ahead in this but he also knows he's gonna lose to do you know he's in Legion Legion of skanks no he's got in a box and brought it on to the stage and he had it like sealed up and then opened it in front of everybody and apparently the smile was like so horrendous people were bailing out of the world it's like a public health hazard you're not supposed to like have human in public he's so weird and the leader of Kings they've seen everything for them to be running out of the room yeah they've done everything and seen everything in our and re still freaked them out I can't believe that I just now heard that story like that should be like a headline that's in a box and brought it into a room where the live prod podcast was taking place it was a small room too scared to talk about

02:06and deal with yes no or he's not scared of that I mean look the fact that he entered into this contest at all and he doesn't work out at for ten years and then he's like there's a fitness contest and the loser has to do something we haven't totally determined what the loser has to do or he wants us to like drink each other's piss he wants to drink your piss you might not lose right now Tom Segura is in the bottom the bottom think tom is gonna trip I think he I mean you're obviously set to win this thing but I think Tom's gonna sneak up he's playing it down you looked at his wrist yesterday you go what's a thousand something oh that's nothing just the calories he burned the day a thousand Tom's Tom sneaky hmm yeah a lot of people feel like that I really think he's gonna he's gonna do something on this he's gonna be the one to beat you gotta realize though Bert ran a marathon

03:00he did run a marathon I know he's guts this is this is fun I have to say any one of you could pull ahead but you're the mean can we talk about what you did yesterday yeah I worked out for three hours and 20 minutes I'm trying to I'm trying to double marathon yeah I'm trying to break Bert's will that's what I'm really trying to do you talk so this Mickey Mantle gene I'm like I'm crazy you understand I will workout twice a day like that I will I'll try to give you a heart attack you fat he'll you'll kill him you kids don't know if he's gonna I don't know how long he's gonna keep it up because like Birds very competitive up to a point like the the weight loss challenge Tom stayed steady and Tom won in the end and one Bert tried he tried to sprint towards the end right but it's too little too late and Tom was talking the entire time like I know what you're gonna do you're gonna off until the

03:57very end then you gonna try to catch up but it's gonna be too late and he was right yeah yeah Bert I don't know if Bert's will can be broken hasn't been broken before well it's not his will it's the the discipline aspect see when you're dealing with an entire month you have 31 days of having to get after it so how often you get after it normally see that's the thing yeah the difference between me and Bert is I work out almost every day already so for me it's just like those days off don't exist anymore so what I've decided to do on my days off is just do that I wouldn't normally do so I'll do the elliptical machine for two hours or I'll do something else I just I'll do something else but the whole time I'm thinking I'm gonna break Bert I'm gonna break Bert your Mickey Mantle gene yeah you guys were talking about like who you think about when you're really trying to

04:51get past that point where you're either you're kickboxing or even on an elliptical sometimes you got to get angry yeah and you think of Bert right now you're talking about right now I'm thinking of Bert thinking of breaking bird breaking his will I don't know just in different ways and this is so interesting to watch because you're right you already workout a lot you're extremely healthy guy but you're now going to take it your concede the excitement on all of you to take this to just an excruciatingly level because it gets obsessive and it gets fun like you can work but that's the thing I'm excited to talk to you at the beginning of this when you're still pumped up about it and it's like you get a high from working out for three and a half hours a day 17 days from now I'm gonna be a beating yeah you are at the end when it gets close again but 17 days

05:45you're right that's not gonna be a fun day for you yeah well I don't know who knows you know did you ever see there's a really interesting documentary with Eddie Izzard and Eddie Izzard who's not a guy in really good should you see it I didn't see it but I know what he's done I love that guy he's so impressive he's amazing what he did was he ran around Europe he did a marathon a day with no training I mean no training he wasn't he wasn't in shape he was overweight his feet weren't prepared his feet got destroyed and I watched his in the beginning I watched I was like how was he gonna do this and then towards the end I was like wow this guy is a force of will just sheer will I mean his lifestyle was not that he's exercising consistently and this is just he's just gonna do a little bit more and really push himself hard no no exercise yeah just like I don't think he exercised at

06:36all or if he did it was just he just had a normal body you know it didn't have a body of so you look at him you go a marathon a day anyone could do that but it's it's so mental mental yeah and I think I think a lot of comedians have that maybe I'm just doing the thing what comedians do with patting themselves on the back for being more interesting than other people like we do all the time like we're so much more broken and be such more willpower but I think that there's I get obsessed with exercise too and I really get into it and I kind of I remember louis c.k doing some interview where he said that he runs five miles a day because on that fourth mile when he doesn't want to do the fifth he thinks about like a day where he'll be on set and when i just call it a day and not push through and it's like how it all relates like or you'll be in the middle of an hour set

07:26and you'll be tired and you just everything can relate to being on set or in the middle of a set and that run five miles a day making yourself do that means you can get through anything and so I run a lot and I have I think of it the same way it's just endurance to perform for an hour every night I think that's insane that we do that well if you have more energy you definitely can put out more during a show so if you are in better shape you have more cardio you won't get exhausted you'll be able to put out more energy you'll be more vibrant more robust you know you really can I mean in some ways if you're doing like an hour at night especially if you're doing two shows a night right you owe it to yourself to have an energy reserve yeah it's just I just think that running can running so monotonous and if there's so many times where you could go I could just not do

08:18this and I can just start walking and who cares but it's something about pushing yourself through a run when you could give up it always you never regret it I'll say that yeah you never regret keeping running when you could just walk it's like a moving meditation in a lot of ways yes you're forcing your mind to take control of your body and you're forcing your mind to ignore all of the aches and pains and all the desire to quit that's what people say that run marathons you know that you just have to like my friend John Joseph says she said you got to tell your your mind has to tell your body who the the boss is it is I just did Dancing with the Stars I just got eliminated last week that's a lot of work it was so physically exhausting for it was a month of my life every day four hours a day dancing and I've never danced before and but it was I didn't realize how mental

09:18it it all really is like athletics it's so mental I didn't realize it because I've never been an athlete my whole life but before I got into this competition I was like reading all the books about like who I am where I am physically that's not gonna change so I better figure out a way to mentally overcome some stuff and I was able to but man it is it's all that yeah I feel like a lot of times and it broke me in many ways mentally and physically but it was I mean it was my sober October for sure it was my you working out every single day and giving it trying to beat Burt it's definitely not easy there's nothing there's nothing I did a bunch of dancing lessons for a movie that I was in called zookeeper with Kevin James yeah way back in the day and I had to learn how to dance and then I had to learn how to dance with leslie bibb you know from Talladega she was my ex-girlfriend I was

10:12trying to win back from Kevin in the movie so I had to learn how it like there was a scene where we danced in this ballroom and you know it's you realize how difficult it is like four hours were practicing these moves and it's monotonous and here's the thing I don't give a about dancing right so it's something like I had to force myself to do that I didn't really want to do it's not that I don't give a about Dancing's fun if you just do whatever you want but when you're doing this very specific pattern to certain music and you did oh yeah I oh yes this is the scene oh my gosh look at you yeah we had to practice this over and over again for weeks and weeks what was that you yeah it was good is exhausting there's a lot to it so stupid it's so hard dancing is so hard and just like you I wow that's good I don't I don't care about it I I I don't it's not something

11:21when I want to be good at something I will give everything to be good at it and here's the other thing if you have a natural ability to begin with if someone goes you've got a you got a knack for this you go oh well I'm good I'm gonna keep trying when I walked into this I've never no one's ever been like you've got rhythm girl no-one's ever no one's ever given me even the slightest nudge towards any kind of playing you know having any musical ability or having any dance ability if anything I've been shamed my whole life and then they asked me to do this literally my whole life I've never danced at weddings I don't dance at concerts because I just know that I'm gonna be made fun of in some way and obviously no one's even thinking about me but in my head it's it's my most insecure thing to do I would rather have sex on on on TV a hundred percent really then do Dancing with the Stars if

12:09there was a with the Stars I sign me up Joe I'm serious this was my biggest fear but you can't turn down these things when they're offered to you I feel like especially if there's something that scares you that much as this did I was like what do I have to lose like I'm not gonna die doing this what's the worst that could happen is I'm voted off first and they say really means the judges say mean things about my gift I have you like Simon from yeah are they mean really they got mean to me mm-hm they got really mean to listen I got eliminated less than like a week ago from the show that I gave everything to and I and I went in saying I'm a terrible dancer I don't know what I'm doing and I did a whole dance and I didn't mess up Joe like I and I got very injured the day before I couldn't even move I couldn't get out of bed I had to have help because I tore something in my

13:03back and I overcame it mentally I talked myself out of having an injury mentally like I meditated my way out of it which I've done with several different injuries in my life of just like I got to be better I have to dance on live TV tonight and didn't move I couldn't brush my hair because my arm was hurting so bad that morning so I just started saying to myself you're strong you're prepared and this is easy you're strong you're prepared this is easy and I said it three thousand times out loud in the makeup chair all day walking around slowly going from this kind of injury walking like in the morning to okay I'm strong I'm prepared this is easy and then I then at the end of the day I was I danced on live TV and I cured myself mentally it was insane but they were so mean to me especially Len Goodman the British old cranky judge British guy yeah the British guys always it

13:58was it was really hurtful and I took it in stride but I was very he called me awkward like I I just wanted to walk away from this show not being like a white girl dancing meme you know like I just didn't want people to be like Oh white girls can't dance because I know I can't dancing and I just didn't want to be made fun of and he made fun of me he was like you look awkward because at the end of it I just go I can dance like it was just me being funny because I obviously can't but I was like I just completed a dance that if you watch it's not that terrible I was very injured that morning I was proud of myself and he goes you will awkward and you can't dance you can't dance and then he he said other things that I just I kind of blacked out during it so sad and I was just holding on to Tom Bergeron for deal dear life and um and then I got eliminated first so it's

14:45so funny to me because I took on this challenge being like the worst that could happen is that I get eliminated first which I surely won't do because that's I can't be that bad I'll be better than somebody somebody 13 of 13 people and I wasn't I was the worst my worst fear did happen I got made fun of on TV I got eliminated first and you know like being on a reality show it like have you done a reality show where it's like and the next to leave the first the first contestant eliminated from the show and then there's done and there's a spotlight on you and I'm staring at the stage like just a slat in the stage I'm just staring there being like they're gonna say Nikki and Gleb they're gonna say Nikki and glub and they Nikki and glut and it was just like I'm on a reality show right now getting eliminated it was so surreal and it sucked it sucked and I'm still

15:38obviously very much feeling it and I loved the show I wanted to like keep going I wanted to do different dances ilyich was ready to really cuz I just learned how to learn how to dance I had to learn how to learn how to because I never danced before my life never learned the mark arena like I was I took myself out of any kind of dancing but that was offered to me in school because I was just like I'm a bad dancer I don't want I wanted to make fun of me I'll never dance and I signed up for the show I learn to dance I nail it as much as I can nail something I was very proud of myself and then I get eliminated and it really obviously I'm like still I'm just has anybody ever done it two years in a row I would love to do it I was almost no but why don't you start taking dancing lessons I would love to why don't you do that and then come back next year and shove it up that British

16:27guys ass I don't think they'd want me back I bet they would I I bet they'd have a hard time getting people to do that show why did they let me go so soon then just because it didn't feel like it was because of my dancing it felt you know winnin when you get eliminated from one of these shows that you just go they don't someone at the top doesn't like me there's something almost involved here it's not my it's probably just but out of 13 people they liked me the least well maybe just being honest yeah you had the worst performance isn't that possible I mean you don't did look out did not if I was on with you I probably would have had the worst performance I don't dance right so it's like you think about your base that you're coming from you're not a person who dances right this is a totally new thing for you but if now you have this in your head and you decide to

17:21take dancing lessons and you do it on a regular basis just once twice a week for a year you could be amazing by time next year rolls around I really I gotta see if they allow people to enter us I guarantee you they will well look it's hard to get people to do that show a lot of people say no a lot of people it's a massive commitment yeah it is yeah a lot of people don't have the courage or the time or the interest I did last Comic Standing twice and got the same place different judges because the first time I did it I was in college and I like there was no reason for me to even get as far as I got I was standing let's be honest it was rigged what did you ever host him was know as one of the judges okay and there was there was a real issue with one season not with mine but with Brett Butler Drew Carey and a couple of people they protested because the person they voted for did not make

18:24it through cuz the producers decided that they knew better and because they wanted the television show to be more interesting so they wanted someone more controversial or whatever whatever it was so it was this huge deal with a like wait a minute why are we here as judges if you're not even counting our vote like this is all a puppet show like what's happening here and then there was also conflict because one of the guys who is a producer was also a manager of some of the people that were on the show and people like what the you know as there was a lot of issues there was a lot of issues with that show yeah but I think that's every realities but it's a contest there's these rules like I would tell people like that wanted to be on fear factor like they would say hey man can you get me on fear factor I'd say you'll stop right now there's very specific rules about game shows like I

19:15can't even talk to you if you want to be on the show I can't say hey man I'm gonna get you in the show cuz I like you and I'm gonna help you I can't do that yeah it's like there's you wanna if you want to be on the show don't talk to me right because if I have to go to court like do you remember that that show quiz show yeah the movie based upon that controversy yes it was a fraudulent show because during that show they decided this one guy who was winning they decided it was a great thing to have him keep winning and so they rigged the show and because of that there's actual federal laws about how you organized and one game shows it's it's there's a real laws behind so that's why I think I can't go back I really I love this idea I would like to tell ABC I am interested in coming back and I'm here this this and I guarantee you you can go back I love to go back I

20:09had the best huh I just want to be a dancer now like I stopped doing comedy because I just wanted to focus solely on dancing and and I started doing comedy towards the end because you do something four hours a day that you're terrible at you want to go do something you're good at just to like get your ego back in place because I was beaten down four hours a day of just I'm terrible and I was able to get to a place where I could kind of have my my teacher Gleb Savchenko is one of the best dancers in the world he would just say like I've never he's been a teacher teaching dance since he was 14 years old and he was like I've never met someone who is so bad I've never met someone because I go I'm special-needs dancing like if this were if I would be on the short bus for dancers I just don't have whatever it takes but I worked hard enough that I was able to learn a very difficult me

20:59let me stop you there it's nothing you don't have what it takes is you've never exercised it yes you know how to move you're you're not ambulatory you know I don't think around mean to say that I'm it disabled in any way but whatever some people are born with that gives them a natural rhythm and like ability to dance I don't think very little of that and a lot of it is just a bunch of dancing think about I mean if you never played basketball and you wouldn't play basketball you god damn it I'm terrible I thought it was gonna kick ass yeah you know that's like a lot of people feel like that about fighting like a lot of people think if I ever fought I'd people up thank you yeah good luck you think that good luck that's the thing is I wanted I kept saying down the barrel the camera I'm like if you're watching at home being like why can't this girl do this because it would be like

21:48clapping that I couldn't get or walking and clapping together and I could just picture people at home watching me struggle and be like I could do that like I say to the computer when I watch this stuff but I'm like until you do it you don't know how hard this is it look everyone assumes that they can do it just like stand up but here's the difference with stand-up is like I had people just like you did throughout your childhood and growing up be like you're funny you've got like no one's ever been like you should dance like no what do I mean like we have a natural knack at what we do that's kept us that made us even try it in the first place right who was the first person that you remember being like you're funny well the there's like one guy in specific that I'm still very good friends with his name's Steve Graham he's an ophthalmologist actually and

22:40when we were we were friends I was 15 and he was probably in his late 20s and we were training together we were doing martial arts together and he was just I would just do impressions of our friends and and he was like you should be a comedian and I was like there's no way man I was like look I'm I say up things that you think are funny because you're up too people are gonna think I'm an like I just wanted to make people laugh that were around me I didn't you know and then I started going I went to an open mic night and then I realized like oh there's like a hope it's just like martial arts like there's a whole process of learning like I didn't think of it that way I thought people were just really good yeah you know I mean like you like hey it's Jerry Seinfeld like when I was open talks yeah when I was in high it was senior in high school this girl I was dating we went to see

23:30Jerry Seinfeld at the Paradise it was this big Club and in Boston and I remember sitting there thinking like this is guys incredible he's just talking and all these people are laughing like this is amazing what a what a crazy ability to do that you know and just wow blew me away and then a couple years later I was doing it you know it's weird it is that that's I would love to see a picture of you in that crowd that night never having been on stage with a mic like and then look at you now it's just so crazy those moments of like in your life where you were at a Jerry Seinfeld show going whoa I could never do that joe rogan that's so nuts it was weird and now you're like you and Jerry Seinfeld to me are like one in the same like that's the same so that's that's but that what I'm saying is that you need these people in your early on you need to be I would never have done

24:25stand-up comedy had someone not been like you should be a comedian I was desperate for anyone to give me any kind of direction right and then some one person says that one ophthalmologist says it and then it becomes your career and that's why I'm always I always try to just tell what I'd see people like something in someone I try to say that because you don't know if you're the one person that's gonna get them to go do it I do that to I've tried to talk like a hundred people into being comedians yeah yeah yeah I always try to tell friends that I have that are funny I'm like you should just try it just go up with an open mic night and give a shot I was just say do it if you want to do it do it now because you're gonna do it eventually and you're gonna regret not doing it you might not do there's this nurse that used to work at this doctor's office that I go to she was hilarious

25:09and I was always telling I listen to me you should do comedy you really should try it and she never did it you know and I went there for years I was like and she thought about doing it so I'm gonna come to open mic night I go tell me when you're going I'll go I'll go I'll meet you there I'll help you I'll introduce you to the whole process I'll show you how it works I'll show you there's a sign up people go up listen she's not meant to do it well it's like what's that expression you could lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink yep yeah it's like I know but just I think you have to be up to want that kind of rejection and humiliation that we got in the early days like the early days to like people see you now you go up in the main room ladies and gentlemen Nikki Glaser yeah laughs thank you good night seems like fun hey that seems like a great gig but see you when you're an

26:02open mic er and you're around all those Psychopaths that are signing up for open mics there all smelly and Craig just Dodgers you know I know just calm Beetlejuice clued up do you like this do you want to really work here comes to them Craig slap uncle Craig E yeah that took me back dude yeah I started there that was a fun gig it was a fun game I still have that place classic Road gig just CD didn't know if you're gonna get paid the full amount good shows too rowdy drunk Kansas City's a fun place it was a fun place I was just there a couple weeks ago and I did some crazy outdoor place some outdoor amphitheater was awesome oh that's good yeah it was really great I didn't even know was outdoor until we got there like I don't know I didn't read any of the emails about this pay attention yeah it's me and Santino Santino's outside strange yeah it started in Kansas City but that it just

27:13i've been relating it recently i'm like working on a bit about encouraging people early on because i I do look at the people that told me you should be a comedian when I write before I stride it because I was gonna be an actress and then I was like not really good at this and I'm not I don't care enough to get good at it like I see what it takes to be great at being an actress and I was just like I don't want to do that right but then someone was like you're funny you should try stand-up and then that was like oh I care enough about this to like go through the worst of it and get good but I off I've been exploring recently onstage like blow jobs I've been talking through and I think it's the same thing because I'm not like great at them I've never been like wow you're the best at this and and I've never been a girl who's like I love giving and I've always heard

28:01girls like there are some girls that say that like I love sucking dick and I've always been like do they say that to you or just answer guys they say it just just out there and I've always called on it because I just think it's like you're just serving a guy and you there's a way that you can enjoy it like it's not that comfortable of a thing but maybe you get some what's the compersion where you enjoy someone else's yes so maybe it's that but now I realize that the difference between me and those girls is that those girls the first time they gave a I guarantee or one of the first times the guy was like you're amazing at this you're really good at this because when a girl is told or anyone is told early on the first time they do something that like you you have a natural talent at this you go I I do and then you do it again and again because you're like I'm good

28:51at this this is my thing and then you get good at it and you're like it's my thing but no one ever said that to me about early on it was always just kind of like a means to an end and I feel like if someone would have just been like lied to me so I am I ask guys now like just lie to every girl if you get a and it's like mediocre just be like you're the best at this ever like this is the best I've ever received because she will be so it'll make her feel good what's it gonna hurt that she thinks she's the best at this thing that she's not that great at but she'll do it a lot because she'll be like I'm great at this and this guy thinks I'm the greatest at it so she'll do it a lot and then by doing a lot she'll get better and then everyone wins yeah maybe or she could just suck a lot of dicks and people will lie to her and then her self-esteem gets shattered if

29:36she runs into the one dude and said who the told you you're good at this told me I was great no no I'm not good at this at all it's all teeth and you're joking this is crazy but maybe maybe even a girl that is really good at them can meet a guy that's like you're terribly cuz everyone likes different styles so I think that you run that risk regardless maybe some guys just like really bad right like some guys like blow jobs from someone who seems like they've never done it before that way they don't feel like they're the ninetieth in line oh that's a really good point Joe like you could be into a that's kind of apprehensive and like what am i doing because like a virginal type situation yeah just putting on an act it's got pig tails on I just schoolgirl outfit what am i doing wait what do you teach what do you do it thank you sure oh my god my friend recently cuz we've talked a lot of me

30:27and my friend have talked a lot about how we just are insecure that we're bad at blow jobs and we've taken classes at Babeland or they think about classes oh yeah a blow job who's teaching the classes girls are guys I think it was like a gay guy and a woman together a gay guy I was thinking gay guys should know how to suck a dick because he has one I've read everything I've watched tutorials I just it's just not getting through to me I just haven't I truck and I'm not like bad at that like I don't think I'm bad at them but I just I think I always was apprehensive because I think the first thing I heard about was that the first complaint I would hear around me was too much teeth and I've always had like really big teeth and some like smile I have big teeth like did not abnormal but I was just like I had buck teeth as a kid so I was people always called me like a beaver I was like that

31:19my teeth are gonna get in the in the way of this so I immediately that was my biggest issue and then you learned that like that's easy to like work around and then so anyway but my friend said that she learned this new trick wouldn't she's hooking up she'll do a role play of like will you teach me how to do a blow job but she's actually like wanting them to teach her and so it's a hot thing where like she gets to role play but she honestly doesn't know and gets and then the guy tells her exactly what to do and then if she messes up it's like part of the character as opposed to her being bad at blow jobs so that's my next thing I'm gonna try and think so the guy's invested in the project yeah and if you mess up your own you're just that's part of your character you're just being good at the roleplay yeah it's not because you're innately bad then when you break up you're like

32:05listen I sucked 100 dicks before you I knew exactly what I was doing I was trying to make you feel better you loser by the way they were all bigger than yours all of exactly yeah it's some yeah I don't know I have a lot of thoughts about sex obviously I'm well your act is very much like that it is but it's and I hate being pegged no pun intended as like a sex comic but like I don't cuz I just did this ABC show Dancing with the Stars and the whole time I'm trying to be on my very best behavior because I I want to play the game I don't wanna be the sex girl get kicked off I want to fend children watching at home that's a mean I'm never talking about sex so people go whoo she's you do nightclub comedy you're there for adults well I'm just talking about what I want to talk about right obviously we all know that but I think sometimes people are like a year the sex coming it's like

33:00I just think that's the most interesting topic right now that's why I'm talking about it yeah that becomes a problem right you get labeled yeah yeah it sucks because I have ambition beyond being a comedian who talks about sex but already I've brought it there with you because it is my wheelhouse I'm most comfortable talking about it it's fun to talk about I have a lot of pinions about it but I was trying to behave myself so much on Dancing with the Stars because I don't want to be labeled as that but and I also was like didn't have sex I was 21 I really yeah I was not and then I didn't because I was um all through high school I was just like scared of guys I don't know why I was just scared of intimacy scared of boys couldn't didn't kiss a boy until I was 17 and even then it was like one-shot deal and then I didn't do it for years and then I got an eating

33:49disorder which like pushed men away because I looked like a skeleton and then as soon as I was able then I I had sex but it was years and years and until I started like drinking I couldn't have sex and then I quit drinking and I couldn't have sex again think about how many people have gotten laid because of booze everyone coming Joe do you remember when there was this ridiculous time just a few years ago where they were trying to push this narrative that if you have sex with someone who's been drinking that you're a rapist even if you're drinking - this is this like weird third wave feminist nonsense where they were like adults like - girl adults have a couple of drinks you're not supposed to do that because they can't consent because they're drinking and so people were literally calling people and accusing people of rape because they had sex with each other while they were both

34:37drunk no well this was a yes sir well here's it was a real weird time and it they've abandoned it because it's so preposterous and the pushback was so hard but you're responsible for yourself every other time when you're drunk if you're driving you're responsible if you get in a fight you're responsible you're responsible during all those things but somehow or another if you and a person are exchanging pleasure then you are not responsible for your actions and you can't consent to that because you've been drinking and then it becomes rape and it's only really only rape in the case of the guy it's never raped like a girl raped a guy because the guy was drunk right even though I know stories of where that's happened where guy wakes up from a blackout and is sucking his dick yeah yeah and that's he's like hey if it was the other way around that's right great right yeah um

35:27yeah right but obviously it's not the same no in right no one would be having sex if we if we didn't have a like so so few people maybe like thirty percent of the people having sex dude think about casuals that's my whole point right now is like I can't have I'm like single I can't even have casual sex because I'm sober so how long you been sober seven it'll be seven years in December from em yeah yeah and before then I was hooking up a left and right it was so fun I was blacking out just to have sex because I was scared of intimacy I'm realizing all of this now is like you know to therapy the whole deal you're doing all that yeah I go through therapy I work on myself constantly I meditate I do all the things and I'm I don't know if I'm any I am better for it but mmm I realized that I'm not getting I'm not having sex and it's not fun I think I am I'm hooking up with ex-boyfriends which

36:22you know that's because there's no pressure there of like this is new and am I gonna catch feelings it's like they've already been had or they're or they'll bubble up again you just get to scratch an itch yes yes but but having like new sex casually like I just can't I can't even imagine doing that but I had so much when I drank because it just makes everything easier yeah and I used to just and I asked the crowd sometimes I'm like have you guys ever who here has had sex for the first time with someone where both of you were stone-cold sober first time sex literally two people raised their hand and over in the main room no exactly no you're so right no one let's say at home right now wherever you are have you ever had sex the first time with someone where you're both sober it doesn't happen in our society well alcohol gets abused for sure but it also gets used they used

37:18correctly yep there's there's good things too I think it's a technology that alleviates a lot of your inhibitions and it makes people feel better and that's it for that reason G are you an addict I mean is it possible that you could drink a little bit I'd be fine drinking a little bit I know I was first thing you say before you wake up in the gutter exactly just like I know how I am with weed and I have to I start out and I go I'll just get high as a treat right you know after a set and then I go I'd be fun to be high for this set and then it's like it'd be fun to be high when I wake up in the morning and so it always it always snowballs into I'm high all day and then I have to go okay sober October and I quit for a month and then I build it back up again is that what you're doing right now with weed like you say you're sober be sure he's sober with alcohol but just a little weed I

38:08smoke a little weed and I've gone years in this seven years of not smoking weed and but I'm back on it I quit for Dancing with the Stars cuz my short-term memory was and you can't learn dance steps when you're high right I thought it might like help me know but no Abby I think if you already knew it if you had it locked in your memory then it would be good because you would like feel it more yes but it was terrible for me so I quit for three weeks and the second I got eliminated I started again and have so it's been a week of me smoking weed again and it's already like it's you know the snowball effect is in is in play but we does not derail my work ethic it makes me work out more it makes me think in a different creative way and it eventually impedes me when it starts to interfere with like my voice if I start getting like hoarse more because I'm doing radio every morning

39:03and then I'm gonna make you horse yeah cuz I just like and I don't know how to inhale or something like why don't you use edibles I do but those aren't I like to like I like to feel it in my lungs and feel it immediately if there was an immediate edible I'd do it but nobody prizes I like those too but again those cut my voice to I don't know what I'm doing wrong yeah but um yeah I so would but with alcohol I will say like I just could see it snowballing into a point where I would quit again but I just I've never I miss drinking a lot for the sex thing for the dancing thing like just dancing to music in general like is more fun if you drunk yeah just life like first two drinks like life is pretty great yeah drinks yeah good sending text messages I don't want to send reaching out to guys I don't want em to talk to in the morning all of that anxiety and

40:01the hangover that's what I'm avoiding is the hangover and with weed you know I don't have a hangover yeah do you can hangovers yeah from weed no no sure and does it make you want to quit and question everything I mean how do you keep your drink in check um I've never had a problem with drinking in like it's never been like god I need a drink I've never been like they like like sober October was the first time I did absolutely nothing for a whole month I didn't smoke a joint I didn't do mushrooms I didn't at nothing right wasn't that hard what was interesting about it was the dreams first of all because the dreams come hard and fast when you're off the weed and they because apparently I talked to this guy dr. Matthew Walker who is a dream specialist and he was on the podcast discussing the importance of sleep sleep specialist I should say but he was

40:57saying that marijuana it impedes certain aspects of REM sleep which is when you do all your dreaming so when you um get off the marijuana your brain apparently makes up for lost time and hits you with some crazy dream talking frogs and unicorns and you know roller coasters that go straight to heaven and like bananas dreams did you have that or you haven't my god well the thing is this time for sober October I was way tapered off by the time this rolled around like I smoked a little pot in Toronto on Saturday but I mean a little like I took like one or two hits I had a drink maybe two drinks I think I had one drink when I went onstage and then I had a couple glasses of wine after the show we went out to this restaurant after the show but yeah it was the eat this was an easy one because I was kind of right but I I think I slowed down after last year I think doing that sober

42:01October thing made me realize like hmm there's like some there's some all that school that right unfortunately that all my favorite comics did drugs all of them yeah hex Kinnison prior everyone did drugs they were they were all I mean prior was coke I've never touched coke but Kennison was coke - but Hicks was more psychedelics and I mean he did coke and alcohol and all other stuff before but there was there was oh they were all like these wild like Ron white is a good friend of mine always drunk and there's like this part of that life that you know this so it's so attractive because it's just like this wild loose carefree rebellious figured out tomorrow life and that's that's the life of the comic but I realized like after last year sober October that there's a lot of stuff you could do if you're sober like it's I think as I said you can abuse alcohol but you can also use it you know

43:02you can use it you can you can have a couple drinks and feel good and you enjoy the moment more you know there's there's something there's something to it but it's really a matter of your own personality and discipline it's like how much and how much of an addict are you like what how much what is it what holes are missing in your brain that get filled up with that booze and that like once you take the booze away there's like this gaping chasm that you need to fill you know what is that and you got to figure out who you are cuz I know some people that can't have anything they have one drink and then they're off to the races and they're doing math yeah no that's not me but it's I just I would get blackout drunk a lot and like after a couple beers like were you less secure than than you are now yeah way less secure but I think being sober has helped me become more secure but because

44:01you're forced to be in the moment yeah I just I worry about my depression too like with adding booze on to depression which I feel like I have a good handle of right now I just don't want to lose it cuz I think that like I don't know I obviously alcohol is depressant and so I think that and and the people that I get really really depressed and like in a dangerous way where I'm like I gotta watch it like I gotta be vigilant about meditating every day to keep my depression at bay because what do you think that is do you think that's a genetic thing do you think it runs in your family I think it must run in my family I think we have stuff that I haven't even like got found out it like there's some suspicious deaths in my family that I'm like was that suicide yeah you know where I'm like I think it's described how it feels like what is your depression feeling it feels like it

44:57honestly I I get suicidal thoughts not like I just I should kill myself it's like kill yourself it would be fun to kill yourself they cut fun literally soothing it soothes me to think about killing myself when I'm in my worst depressive stages and it is I compare it to like sniffles when you're getting a cold like I have a little a little thought I'll go oh shoot yourself in the head well like it literally comes into my head like a sniffle where you're like oh god I'm getting sick again okay I got to meditate now and then it'll and then I'll be fine like literally it's like that and what is what's before the shoot yourself nothing nothing and that's the that's the problem is like it just is you know it can be it can be it maybe it's circumstantial a little bit like maybe I'm feeling lonely that day or I didn't get a thing that I wanted or I but I really do think it's like the weather

45:58like it I just can't even describe it I remember Sarah Silverman talking about her depression like it's like just a cloud comes over you and you're just like Oh up well here it comes and that's kind of how it feels and I totally have it under control when I'm meditating every day doesn't I don't get a single one of those thoughts but like you might skip a day if I don't do TM one day those thoughts keep they come in and then if I and then you if you get into a real bad spot those thoughts start and I've never even so much as made an attempt or even planned to make an attempt like it's never gotten to that even close to that for me but I realized that these are the same kind of thoughts that people that end up doing this start with like there's some kind of like my I am people who love me and care about me gets upset when I talk about this but I think that

46:47more people struggle with these thoughts than talk about so I I'm eager to share it because I don't think I'm ever gonna kill myself and I don't think that that's but I think that like a lot of people I'm at risk and I don't think that people talk about that enough then cuz I do have these thoughts and I it's not even like I go what can I do to make myself feel but oh I could kill myself and literally it's like kill yourself it's like a little voice or something and I've struggled with mental illness before I mean I had anorexia where it was like don't eat and you're like where's that who's that but it's uh it's a voice did you have don't eat because you thought you were overweight or don't eat because you thought you'd be more attractive if you look like real stars it's vague was a direction vague or was it just like an obsession it was it started out like you know high school I

47:38should be skinny everyone should be skinny I admire I like wanted to be a famous someday and I looked at my like I idolized everyone in the magazines the whole classic thing of like looking literally in magazines I mean I want to look like that I hate mice a pinching my sides being like if I'm not like that then I'm worthless having a mom who constantly hated her body was skinnier than me and constantly said she was fat and things like that like where you just you have things modeled for you so I grew up thinking skinny equals more lovable and then I lost weight just because my senior year I lost weight because a boy liked me that I liked who I liked back and I was like very nervous about it like you know when you just get nervous you can't you don't eat that day and I had a date with this guy was my first date ever and I just that day I didn't eat because I was

48:22just nervous and then the next day it showed up on me because someone goes you look great what's going on and I was like I just didn't eat yesterday like I can do that again so it's basically the same thing as saying you're really you're fine you got a talent for that you're open to suggestion I'm really gonna call dude I know I I'm scared of it the thing is I I am open to suggestion but the thing is I am good at at losing weight I can I can stick to a diet and I can black-and-white things I can say I'm not drinking for seven I can I can quit things I can quit eating and I have goodwill it's like willpower and I learned that like Oh for the first time like I could do this and so I just stopped eating and then the for a while you get like super hot like I was very popular for a couple weeks and then for a hot second I was hot for a second and then I got so scary skinny and then I

49:17couldn't stop your you were just like I go I don't everyone's like hey you looked great like a week ago like right now it's like kind of concern and I'm like well I don't know what to do because if I eat I'll just get fat again and so I just this is all I know now and then it becomes if you eat you're weak and then it becomes obsessive compulsive and then it's not even about being thin anymore because you look in the mirror and I would look in the mirror and go like you're disgusting like I looked like I I look like Holocaust pictures like that's how bad I loved do you have photos of yourself from back then do you keep to make sure that you don't ever get back to that spot again I won't ever get back to that spot again because I'm too vain to do that now and I know like what I see it coming it's the same way of like pot when I see it's starting to interfere with my life I go okay you

49:58need to stop smoking pot and when I see myself get too skinny now I'm like okay you need to stop or you're like chaos but you kind of have a handle on it no I totally have a handle on it I won't ever be anorexic or die of depression like all these refers to does I want like I'll go a different way but like those things aren't gonna get me cuz they almost got me before I mean anorexia I should have died I was gonna die from it and I planned on dying from it he planned on dying from yeah because Joe I was starving it sucks to be started on doing this yeah because I wanted to die I was like some I it was a slow suicide 18 18 19 20 21 I was like I stopped weighing myself because it was so dangerous to get attached to a number but the time I remember when myself I was 98 pounds that was when I was like admitted to a psych ward when I was 18 and I'll call you I'm five nine and what do you

50:57weigh now I'm 135 now and I'm skinny now so yeah you're not you're not you were like 35 pounds lighter than yes plus yeah yeah more that is crazy I was so thin I was so like that's crazy everywhere I went people would point and whisper and talk it was one of those things where it was like you know you've seen girls out and about you know I used to go to my yoga class that was terrifying yeah she was so scary she looked like I mean she was a small person - she was only like 5 1 or 5 - and she looked like she probably weighed 80 pounds yeah it was awful it's and that's the way people and I see girls like that now and I I do the same thing that people used to say to me which is like just eat a sandwich like what are you doing like Kim I know you can't say that but I don't even relate to the person I was when I wasn't eating because the only way I can say is like I

51:53could not eat I could not do it was almost like if you were to like if a protein shake it was like drinking poison like I'm gonna die if I drink this it was that hard to eat I first of all I was admitted to a hospital because I was going away to school I lost all this weight in like a couple months like it went away quickly for me and it got scary fast the school called my parents my parents were in denial because they didn't want to believe that their daughter was like dying so they were they were concerned and but like I was lying to them about oh I'm going out to eat I'm not gonna be here for dinner tonight just lying lying lying I went to the doctor to get a physical because I was going away to school in this fall this was July I went to go get a physical and my pulse I have like a low pulse anyway like I was bradycardia it's I've I think it's 37 to 42 resting you

52:45have an issue what is it called breathe it's called bradycardia it's just like a low resting pulse rate I don't know an exercise no I exercise a lot but even when I don't exercise a lot I still just have a low do you do a lot of cardio I do a lot of cardio now yeah but I really like this like elite athlete resting heart it's like Lance Armstrong I'm really proud of it but I do nothing to support it like I've run every day but not like enough to boast that but it saved my life because I didn't know I had a low pulse rate but when I went in for this thing the this physical you know the doctor clearly could see I was anorexic because they looked at me and weighed me but they didn't have any kind of like data to keep me mm-hmm but until they took my pulse and they were like if you leave you're gonna die and you're gonna be a liability to us because we know so you can't leave

53:34you're gonna you a 5150 or whatever it is we're committed to a cycle so I went in for a checkup was taken on a golf court to the golf cart to the other side of the hospital where I was checked into a psych ward and my moms like no she's not and they're like yes she is and so I was admitted there and I had to stay there for a couple weeks I think and then I lied to get out of it because I ate just enough to get out and then I went to school I convinced my parents I was okay to go away to school which I wasn't nearly died there just starving myself and exercising too much and that but that that is how I got out of it was that so I wanted to die because I was hungry all the time being hungry sucks and I couldn't eat I didn't know how to eat I didn't know who know how to begin to eat so I was like every night I would just pray that I wouldn't wake up because I would go to bed freezing cold

54:26because you have no fat so your cold need to wake up I was going to school in Colorado I was ill-prepared for the weather and also I had no fat on my buddy was it was an awful existence and then I did stand-up comedy for the first time because as an anorexic yeah because when I went to school my freshman year I'm so crazy looking like I was I was like uh I was like The Nightmare Before Christmas Jax looks like I was I look at pictures I'm like how did you have friends but I did because I became really funny because I wanted people to go look over here don't look at me so I just learned I was a shy kid in high school when I was not anorexic but then when I needed to make friends cuz I was went to school alone I was like oh I'll just develop this really over-the-top personality so people don't notice that I'm so thin that's when I became funny really funny

55:16you know I was always like dormant Lee funny but that's when I became like outwardly funny people start telling me how it should be a comedian my freshman year I tried it I did it one time and then I was like oh I have a reason to live now like I have a purpose and I that sounds so stupid like cliche to say like Oh gave me comedy gave me a reason to live but it really did because I didn't know what that I was like if I'm gonna what am I gonna become a teacher I don't Cashen about that but this I was like okay so then I was like I got I have to gain some weight if I'm gonna now have a career so then I started I found a therapist I was like I gotta beat this I started reading books I found a therapist and I found this one therapist who told me the thing that really broke through which was like when you have anorexia everyone's like just eat something why don't you eat

56:00something and you feel very in control of it and you feel like you're the one to blame for it because you're the one that's choosing not to eat and you're the one that's choosing to exercise and and and so I felt all the shame about like why can't I cure myself why am i giving myself this thing that's ruining my life and then this therapist was like think of it it's like cancer like you got you got sick like something invaded your life and there is a demon inside you telling you don't eat and it's not you it's not you so don't listen to that voice and then as soon as I was able to like disassociate my illness from like it's my choice it's my doing I'm not eating and I was like able to see it as like The Exorcist like that little girl has like a demon inside her that's like jomi don't eat if you eat you're weak as soon as I was able to go shut up voice then I was able to eat again it

56:50was like one nugget of one way of perceiving my illness that was able for me to like crack it and then it took many years to like and I still struggle with you know control issues over food but I'll never be in her execute gun but yeah it was that it was um it was a mixture of comedy and also therapy that they say with alcoholics to that that's one of the reasons why alcoholics when they talk about they talk about it like it's a disease and people who aren't alcoholics who are judgmental go it's not a disease cancer is a disease leukemias a disease you're just weak but if they treat it like it's a disease then you can cure it but if you if you treat it like you're weak then you just on yourself like I'm we could just want another drink like what is it about me why do I need this booze and there's this weird cycle this loop this that goes on in your brain you know like I

57:45don't want to drink I don't want to drink Tama that drank I'm never gonna drink again I'm drinking again and then these people that just get completely out of control one of the ways that helps them is to treat it like it's disease yeah I think it's I think it was just a real a way that I'd never cuz I had seen so many doctors but until that one guy told me to think of it and like literally did the thing where he put a chair in the corner of the room was like talk to your disease tell it what it's done to your life and I had to like like oh this is - I'm not it took me 30 seconds until I was sobbing screaming at this empty chair but it I mean it worked we were talked about this on stage know it's so weird because I'm still I feel like I'm still too in it or I don't know I don't know I want to be able to someday and when I am able to it'll be like a real

58:38huge moment in my career in life but even me being able to talk about it on podcast like this or in platforms like this is new to me still and I've done it before but it's it I just feel like I still suffer with so many these things that I'm like oh it's so weird to talk about it like I I like to have a little bit more distance from even though it's been I'm 34 now and I get headaches anyone who's 18 I'm still like it's still too new but sometimes things it's 16 years seemed like a long time you know but it goes by quick it happens very quick it's yeah I just like to have I don't know I don't know what it is I'm just still I think I'm still so angry about it and still there's still pieces of it that I'm like how did I get this and how did I have to save myself instead of someone else coming in and saving me and why didn't someone intervene before they can't though can they I mean

59:40you know it's kind of it's very hard for someone to convince someone you need to stop drinking or you need to get your together or you need to do this we need to do that you need to hit your own bottom I know and but you know I feel like yeah you just I there's still just things about it that are really painful to me and I think that it when I am dealing with something like that on stage I think the pain still shows and I can't be funny with it yet because I'm still so angry I think I'm still just like angry about it because I also feel like I'm still a victim to um body dysmorphia like crazy like that's my new thing where like I'll just see something in the mirror that I'm like well yesterday you felt the opposite like what I'll go from in a 24 hour time frame from being like you're fat I'll like look in the mirror and be like you're fat and then the next day I'll be

60:33like you're too thin and I'm like well those two things can't be possible within 24 hours of themselves so you're crazy right so that I mean I'm still dealing with stuff like that and I want to be on the other side of it and be able to tell girls like you're beautiful and your body doesn't matter and it's what's up here that counts but I don't know I'm not there yet so I don't know how to really talk about it well I don't think I don't think there's one way you know I think everybody's got their own weird thing that's causing them to have issues whether it's a beat to be an alcoholic or to be addicted to whatever you're addicted to yeah there everybody if there's no one you you have to figure out the person and then figure out how this disease or whatever it is a sort of interface with that person and what is it that happened to you that made this this thing attractive where it fits into

61:28your slots and and and distracts you from all the things that are freaking you the out about your existence yeah that's if it was so simple that like oh well people are anorexic you tell them this and then they go oh okay I mean that if there was like a protocol that you could just establish right away oh you just got to take these steps and then you'll be fixed it doesn't work and and they might work for some people you know what it really doesn't help you know it doesn't help that it's so prevalent like there's so many people that have issue like and the other way too like there's people that are bodybuilders that are crazy that can't they stand gang big enough it's the same thing it is the same girls with giant fake boobs that they think they need triple F boobs like the way people see themselves versus the way other people see them it's very strange

62:23yeah I know what I've been watching this show botched have you watch the show yeah watch that show I mean that's the same they don't they don't they don't know what they're seeing they don't see what we're seeing a no it's it's crazy there's this poor lady who was on the other day who is getting she's getting her nose fixed because she had so many surgeries that her nose collapsed and it was just like oh Christ you know and they had to take a chunk out of her rib and they rebuilt her nose up it came out great at the end yeah obviously which is why they put it on television but she's done unless you know is that done No unless you're fixing what's up here that's making you look at yourself in the mirror and go I'm ugly right and that's what I'm in a mad dash to do Joe is like fix yourself well just know to yet to get to love myself enough through therapy meditation just to love myself

63:25on the inside enough that I don't cuz as I age as you age especially in this business things aren't as good for what as you age as a woman things get shittier like you become less valuable to society based on the fact that you're aging it's just what is he in this business and in life like I remember but first I remember once I was hanging out in high school with my girlfriends and I remember the there ma this girl's mom always used to just kind of say things that she envied our youth a lot and and when you're young you're just like okay old lady what do you get out of here what do you see you're saying these sad things and then just walking out of the room silently like but she would say these things in one day the one thing she said really got to me she was like you girls are also young and thin and beautiful you know I remember I remember the last time a man

64:13held the door for me and then she just left the room and I'm like oh there's a day that that just stops Wow that's ridiculous I hold the old lady's all-time that's stupid but I think she meant the last time again one who wanted to her right and you you know when that's in the air when there's a door being held for you my guy was like you but why is that gender specific I mean that's that's with man I was with women men too I my dad recently said to me he was like women don't even look at me anymore my dad's like an attractive guy and he's like I'm like invisible to women and I could see like a sadness in it and and I don't want to I know that that's that will happen eventually cuz that is just the way things go once in a while a guy might be I'm into older ladies and I'd like to bang her and I won't love that guy so much and I know those guys are out there and I hear hear

65:02from those guys a lot when I talk about this stuff but those guys are sick just like you were and you were 18,000 I hope they never fix that sickness whatever that is don't fix that we need those guys but I I just know that that's that's on the horizon that the attention from men and women and just society will start to wane and you'll become more invisible physically to other people and I just hope at that point I don't give a and then I like myself enough and so that's what I'm like running that trying to like like myself enough on the inside which I really have gotten so far ahead of what I thought I could ever do in terms of loving myself and working on myself and getting sober and all the things but I still feel like it's not enough like I'm still I still deal with insecurities and I'm like god damn it I'm aging and this is this I'm supposed to not feel this I'm supposed to not

66:05care that I'm aging as much I don't want to be one of these women that's like hates aging I just don't want to be it and I'm kind of well you have to be very careful in your are you feeling age aging I don't think about it really hmm you know I tell you don't because you'd seem ageless like honestly someone just said your age and I was like I don't even think of Jo is having an age I honestly don't like you seem like an ageless person to me and that's because you don't give a well you'll think of it you this I mean this is gonna sound ridiculous but you have to took you have to realize that the entire your life from birth to death is a blink of an eye it is a very short period of time in terms of the entire the life of the planet the life of the human race the life of the universe it is a blink of an eye and for you to be with wear blinders and concentrate on

66:59one tiny little window of sexual viability it's preposterous it's ridiculous yes the whole exit your your whole existence is insane it's so bizarre just looking at people's bizarre how the do your eyes work you're looking through your eyes and light is refracted through your lenses and your cornea and you're seeing things and I know that if I reach I can grab this can it's right there I mean all of that is bizarre and so to concentrate on this one thing when will people stop wanting to stick their dick into me it's crazy but it's a crazy it's a it's a perspective issue right yeah and I think the wider you get away from that and one of the best ways to do that a psychedelic drugs psychedelic drugs are one of the very best ways to broaden your perspective because the experience is so titanically alien and so giant and connects you to the entire universe

67:56itself that when you come back down to earth it seems so preposterous and then you see this dance that everybody's involved in you know with putting on fake butts and and getting your lips done and all the chaos that people are doing just to try to attract more sexual attention and knowing that this is so so such a short period of time one of the things that freaks me out is what I call monster face it's when women get their face pulled back so far that their mouth looks like it's bigger because they've been doing this and so it looks like they could just open their mouth like venom and get your whole head in there and chop your head off it's it's a it's a sickness it's so funny because yeah when you get that stuff done you end up looking like other people who have had it done so you get a certain type of face we all know the face you're describing sea monster deep

68:46sea fish yeah shoot things into their cheeks to make the cheeks puff up because it eliminates some of the wrinkles but then it looks like you've been beaten up you got stung with a swarm of bees better well it doesn't you know also doesn't work because there's a thing called the fibonacci sequence and when you look at a person's face there's a golden ratio of the nose to the eyes the chin and as soon as you with anything soon as you switch one of those up like lips you're like hey like if you look at say like Serena Williams her lips match her face and there's like there's a natural order to that if you look at Ari Shaffir his nose matches his chin matches his face there's a there's a ratio that it fits in and when you get a nose job and you're supposed to have a big nose people look at you like what the is going well if you have I got Persian face like a you know a big robust -

69:36Persian face but you have this little pixie Irish nose people like what the is going on with her face this is crazy but Joe there are so many people that have worked on that you'd like we all know bad plastic surgery but there's some that's so good and we think of these people as being born that way and they sure I mean there's like Kylie Jenner yes yes that's a perfect one I mean girls always bring her up she's gorgeous okay but you're so right like I want to talk to you about psychedelics because when did you first do them almost 30 near 30 actually I think I was a little younger no yeah yeah when I was 30 I started smoking pot and then psychedelics came after that and did you I mean obviously that that was before the time when people thought psychedelics were a way to like heal yourself like I feel like this is kind of like a new movement that psychedelics

70:36are the answer if you around the right people and you would get that information were you around the right people was that how you got introduced to them yeah yeah I was around a lot of I because of the fact that I was a comedian and then also because of the fact that you know I was relatively famous back then not not famous famous but like I was I was on television I've done some things so people would want to like turn you on things you know like a you know and I would go to parties or meet people and they would you know say hey man have you ever done mushrooms you know and a hey man you've heard of DMT and like and then there's a few different things that would happen and you would be around these people who had gone to jail for it or you know that we're like real psychedelic heads and once I was around a few of those I realize like whoa there's a whole nother

71:28world out there and then I discovered Timothy Leary and John Lilly and thus the floatation tank became a giant part of my life and then you know Terence Mckenna and Dennis McKenna and all the the various psychedelic wizards that are out there that then sort of expressing that there's there's a whole world out there that you're not seeing it's like we're living life inside this very strange tent there's a very thin membrane tent and if you just unzip that tent and step out the entire wilderness of the universe exists but most people live their life inside this very thin walled tent and they think that that tent sort of defines the actual universe itself when it's it's so small and so limited is there a chance that you open that tent you don't like what you see and now you your whole life up because I think that's most people's apprehension about sure doing that like

72:27specific and you not come back yes little sid barett you know there's been a lot of people that were I mean I have friends that know friends that well the issue is with you know psychosis and people that have schizophrenia people that have like legitimate mental mental health issues and it's did the argument is correlation or causation right and the argument is does do psychedelic drugs cause mental illness or do a certain amount of people already have mental illness and I think it's much more likely that the percentage of people that are schizophrenic remains static because if you if you look at it like this the number of people who smoke marijuana who are also schizophrenic mirrors the number of people or schizophrenic period so it's not that marijuana causes schizophrenia so it's a one out of a hundred or whatever the number is they just have this issue this

73:22this and for those people it's critical that they avoid psychedelic drugs that they avoid marijuana and and probably even alcohol or many even maybe a bunch of other psychotropic drugs as well because it could you've got an imbalance just like someone who has a liver disease has an imbalance just like someone who has a lung disorder can't breathe well someone has cystic fibrosis or someone who has any number of diseases you got to kind of think of it that way yeah there's an ailment of the mind and so if you add this unknown element in that ailment like five grams of dried mushrooms like whoa who the knows what could happen you might never come back and then there's the question the other part of your question is is it possible you could open that tent and not like what you see and up your life yes yes even if you don't have schizophrenia or a mental disorder

74:12you might have a view of the world that's untenable with the experience that you have under the influence of psychedelics but that might mean that your view of the world is and you've been living your life with this Norman Rockwell nonsense floating around your head because you've been so influenced by media by songs and by television shows and by you know I want to live like the kids on friends they don't even live like that look at them they're all up now you know for the most part Jennifer Aniston seems to be not aging yeah that's that is insane that's my girl I want to be rid of her do it what kind of cream are you using oh it's not cream it's lasers hundred and fifty years old she looks like she's 12 it's incredible you would feel bad if you had sex with her like you having sex to an 18 year old she looks amazing Matthew Perry looks like he's been dead and back like that went

75:10headfirst into a sandstorm and he got his face ripped off like he's been just doing meth every day and smoking cigarettes two one lighting the other from the time he's awake until the time he goes to sleep he looks like total dog and she looks amazing I know there was at work together there both shared some skin how the I mean that is like a perfect example even she can't keep it together right she's unlike some new marriage and that got divorced and this okay this is chaos to this business and this I know you were talking about like I've talked about this many times in the podcast that this business is nuts because it takes people that are insecure already and then puts them in a position where they have to get chosen for things so you have to audition and people have to decide whether they like you next Nicky hmm okay Nicky so central show you had a

76:10Comedy Central show that uh didn't work out it just you know there was an internal thing okay there wasn't any you were on Dancing with the Stars for a hot minute yeah again that was just like there were just um but that guy was really mean to you what I know about well I think he reminded him of a granddaughter who has no anyway oh you're reading for Amy and Amy is an anorexic stand-up comedian who likes to drink and blackout so right up your alley so here we go and so and then you do it go okay well thanks a lot Nikki good job okay and so you'll call me ya know you'll kind of just watch the show that you're auditioning for and see someone else in the role and that's how you'll know you scream so you leave and then you walk out feeling like a hundred percent like you're from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes is just and like we do this stuff and you got

77:22people commenting on it and tweeting at you and saying means it's like you're right it's like I'm in this business because I'm insecure and I want people to love strangers to love me and then I don't even accept the love that they give I don't care about the tweets that are nice I reject those and I think you're crazy and then I yeah which I don't read comments or anything I've been really good about like self care of like that's not ever gonna bring me Joy's going through the comments of a YouTube video but um but still mean things get through and yeah you're right like I I'm a really strong person to be where I am in this business and have gotten as far as I've got but it breaks me at times still and I'm scared and I'm spun so excited to do psychedelics are you kidding me yeah I'm excited like I well I want to do it with a shaman if you're available

78:22but I wanted to I want to do it in like a really controlled way because I do think it's the next frontier for me in terms of because I'm done with therapy talk therapy I'm like if this is to slow the process any circuit bills I did mushrooms once but it was not a good experience because it was a bad setting a very small amount not enough to like really have a good trip even though it was a small amount of still a bad experience it was just bad because I was hanging out with two people a couple that got into a fight while I was with them and they kicked me out onto the street York City why they were on mushrooms they want to fight on mushrooms yeah it just got kind of tense hanging out with them we were supposed to just like us three chill on their roof and like look at the skyline and just have a nice night but then his girlfriend got sick they were in a weird

79:04kind of bickering thing I was like I'm gonna go I left I had been arrested the night before for smoking weed on the street so I'd spent six hours in a holding cell the night before but I'd planned to do mushrooms the day after and the guy was like you should still do right you getting out of jail and I was like okay did mushrooms I was broke I had just been arrested I and I was on the street and I remember I called my parents cuz I was I just felt like the way that smoking weed is portrayed in movies where it's like who Oh things coming at you like you know that's the way I felt on mushrooms like I don't know if that's the normal way but like I felt like everyone was just like in my face I called my mom and I go mom I'm on mushrooms right now I'm on the Upper East Side I'm just trying to get to my friend Mike's house and she goes who do you think you're talking to you call

79:51your mom and say you're on mush like she was like for once in our life she had boundaries because she goes she goes talk to your father and so then I talked to my dad was like I'm on mushrooms that I don't know and he to kind of talk me down but I just went home and chugged a bottle of wine cuz I was like I want to be I want to feel something else other than this because I felt too much I felt a lot of love and that scared me but this was before I quit drinking I felt a lot of love and that scared you yeah I was like calling my friends being like I love you like it in a way that I had never felt before and I was like I don't like this feeling chug-chug-chug I don't know I didn't know what maybe was because you were alone I think was I was going through a lot of things that was like I was I think I was bulimic at that time to be doing psychedelics but now I think I

80:41I've read enough about them and I'm like you know there are soldiers that have PTSD that go through talk therapy for years and have no and have minimal amounts of progress and and and and then they do one thing of DMT and they're like I'm good no like there's something there I can't wait for whatever that is I want to do ayahuasca I want to do DMT I want to I want to open up those doors 90 ma is great for soldiers - that's their Maps is doing some really serious trials right now with mdma-assisted therapy so they're taking people with PTSD whether it's soldiers victims of violence and they're taking them through mdma-assisted therapy and they're having some pretty dramatic results I think it is like the I'm so excited about it for certain people and myself like I just have you done MDMA you've done next Wow no I only did it once and the the rebound the next day was horrific for me

81:41that was one of the worst hangovers I've ever had like it wasn't just a hangover it was a I was I felt really stupid like I couldn't read like I was trying to read a magazine the next thing I couldn't read and then I had to perform that night I kind of ate on stage and but I'll never forget the lessons from the experience it was really powerful like really illuminated how much insecurity hinders you and inhibits your ability to communicate with people and flavors how you interact with people and how much of you know my own aggression and the way I would interact with people was basically just me being scared like what what I want to know what Joe Rogan was before psychedelics like what are the things that you socially the hurdles that you've overcome what were you like what were the things that you're like oh my god I can't believe I was like that I'm dying

82:36to know this well you know when I was young I was super insecure my parents split up when I was really young and then we moved around a lot so I didn't have like a base of friends and then I found martial arts when I was a young teenager and what martial arts did was it gave me something that I finally felt like I wasn't a loser at it was like the first thing that I ever did where I was like oh I am good at something I can be really good at something and I got good at it really quickly because I was obsessed it was completely addicted and I was training every day and it became my identity so my identity was that I was really good at martial arts and so to be really good at martial arts especially in competition you have to be you have to be very aggressive you have to be ruthless and you have to be there's there's like you have to embrace this sort of the there's there's an

83:30undeniable violence in kicking someone in the head and it's very violent like martial arts competitions extremely violent and you have to be able to embrace that and the embracing of that and the terror and the fear of it all it's shaped my my developmental period so like when I was 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 that was my whole life that was all I did until I started doing stand-up comedy so my entire form formative period was based on violence it was it was all it was all it mean it was it was martial arts it was very controlled well I wasn't like a bad person who's like beating people up or anything like that but my I was ready to go all the time like it was all it was always any at around any corner there might be something the next person might say the wrong thing and you might realize you're gonna have to fight them or whatever whatever it was and that took a long time to let go

84:33that took a long time to like shake off were you easily angered would you get into fights no I didn't really get into I was smart like I will avoid fights so you were tense you were anxious constant oh well I my my personality developed through violence hmm me really develop through martial arts competition through from the time I was fifteen to tamos 21 I traveled the entire country owes all I did was fight in tournaments I fought all the time I felt like I don't know how many times did you have girlfriends like I mean you were upset you were you were like an Olympic athlete you were too lately elite athlete at 15 did you was 15 but by the time I was 17 I was when I was 18 I won the state championship well but to get to that point 18 you were like an elite I was gonna say it had to have just been yeah it was awkward and weird you know what were you

85:25like with girls and stuff early on where did you do okay you know high school I had girlfriends in high school and and then there was a dry period after high school for sure and then once I started doing stand-up comedy then it was easy then there's a wet period that's crazy it's like whoa it's like that is nuts but yeah my life was all about competing and being in gym so there wasn't like a lot of time to meet people no you know it was all very but there's just getting over that that hurt the hurdle of that bizarre childhood was there a moment though when you came out of a trip or what was there really good a nugget that you took where you were like oh this is was a certain trip that you like look - and you're like IRA Murchison and every single one of them every single one of them highlighted unnecessary tension highlighted you know like what was the

86:22last one what did you learn in the last trip you had the last one I had was basically it was almost a Reve reaffirmation more than anything it was it was like oh I remember this like I hadn't done it in about a year and a half to two years and then we all we did DMT three or four times we did like a trip and then we went back in then we went back in again I can't remember is three or four times but it was it just made me realize like oh yeah okay this this is just the world that you're living in is like a thin veneer over this gigantic impossible realm of souls and of love and expectation and and understanding and and information and that that's what the universe is made of and that you're sort of trapped in this very strange rudimentary tactile existence where you can pick things up and put them on scales and you can measure things with a ruler but the rest

87:29of the universe is not made of that stuff the rest of the universe is made out of ideas the rest of the universe is made out of thoughts and there's dimensions that you you can't travel to with your feet and with a car and with a plane like there's portals that you go through and these portals of chemical portals and your brain literally is wired for these not only that your brain produces dimethyltryptamine which is the most potent of all psychedelics it's literally made by the human body and it's it's everywhere it's in all sorts of plants thousands of plants it's in every animal it's like all these different creatures create it and they they have it in your it's actually made by your third-eye they're pretty sure you know there's there's a group out of New Mexico called the cottonwood Research Foundation and they're doing these tests on all sorts of tests to find out the

88:26source of DMT and they've isolated in the pineal gland of rats and this is the first time they've ever shown it in a live rat that it exists in the pineal gland the pineal gland is literally your third eye like that thing from Eastern mysticism like this right here this little eye yeah and a reptiles it actually has a retina and a lens it's a it's an eyeball and this is they in the Egyptian that we call it the seed of the soul and this one spot in your head is producing the most potent psychedelic chemical known to man as well as it's produced by your liver and your lungs like your body's a psychedelic chemical factory and this one psychedelic chemical they believe and there's been some recent research there was a recent paper that was put out that showed that they think that during periods of extreme stress like would periods if your body's convinced

89:15that you might be dying or that there's something happening that you may be releasing this psychedelic chemical so it might be the portal to the afterlife like it might be the way that carries your consciousness through to the next dimension when your body passes Wow this leaks when you're in distress because it feels like it's getting ready to why you're dumping yeah your body's like this might be it this might be it here we go let's they think that's the source of near-death experiences when people have these phenomenal loving experiences where they cross over to the other side then they come back and they think that this and you know when the wait the way people describe it that's an another issue with psychedelic drugs it's impossible to describe so when you describe it it's so crude like the words the way I've described it is I say it's you you enter into another dimension

90:03filled with complex geometric patterns that are made out of love and understanding that's what it but it's but still that's a bunch of words it's like a nonsense thing to describe but when you you talk to these people that have had near-death experiences they all feel relieved in some sort of a strange way they all feel like or a lot do I should say that when it does happen if it does happen it's gonna be okay it's gonna be okay like there's a thing that happens and then you go to this other place where there's there's no shoes there's no tables there's no electric Sam's house but it's it's made out of whatever the the the world's made out of it's made out of the the whatever the the universe actually has below the wiring like you lift up the circuit board you're like whoa you peer behind the green curtain so at this point for you when you when you did it

90:51the last time it was almost like a tune-up of like oh yeah I remember now I've seen this before and I needed to remind it but then how does that sorry if I'm asking questions that you probably already answered but like how does the next week of your life after a trip of this like how do your dad is your decision-making change well that's up to you right that's up to everybody when everyone it's different I mean for me it's uh it was like a big deep breath and it was like oh oh it's gonna be okay the last time I did like a real serious psychedelic trip I've done a little bit of acid a little bit of mushrooms but the last time a serious one was right before I film triggered mm-hmm and it's just it just it just lets you know like you know just just do your best to try to be nice and this is nonsense this whole thing is nonsense you know don't concentrate on the fact that in 20

91:46years no one's gonna want to you or you know that your your tits gonna fall off or just you're alive right now you're you are existing right now in the one of the craziest experiences that the world has ever known being a human being in 2018 in the United States of America I mean this is a bizarre pathway you're on all of us every single person listening to this if you can listen to this podcast you are in the rarest moment in human history you are literally at the cusp the very peak of this insane Mergent the the same merging of technology of information of understanding of expression all the stuff you see fondants all the stuff that we're seeing going on right now socially whether it's the me to move man or whether it is you know social justice warriors and and people who are woke and crying out racist all these things all this bubbling up of our culture is all

92:45this recognition of this ability to communicate this there's radical new ability to express your ideas that is being done by some people that are irresponsible some people that are very responsible but everyone gets a shot and it's just like YouTube comments it's chaos yeah our culture is YouTube comments the world is YouTube comments there our interaction is these this unique ability where anybody can express themselves and some people have larger signals like you or like Ari Shaffir or like you know fill in the blank anybody who has a podcast they have a larger signal and you know you have a YouTube video that's a larger signal you have a Comedy Central show that's a larger signal but everyone has a signal and everyone's fighting for relevance and everyone's fighting for attention acceptance and they're fighting for their own significance they just want to exist and they're yelling

93:38out and sometimes they're yelling out like a baby and sometimes they're yelling out like a wise person on the mountain who has some new information and it's all happening at the same time and it's all just and and we're sorting it out like in some things don't stick like this hole if you're having sex and you're drinking you're a rapist like that didn't stick but some of them do stick sometimes you can't say anymore that one's sticking right like and people are realizing there's certain things you can do and certain things you can't do certain things we accept certain things we can't accept anymore and we're figuring it out and we're figuring it out in real time in at a radical pace that's never existed before in human history where something that was acceptable just 10-15 years ago is completely unacceptable now that's there's never been a time like that

94:23before never been a time in the entire world since people started talking there's never been a time where change is taking place that's such a radical pace and you're a part of it and I'm a part of it and everyone is listening this is a part of it we're all together in this and no one knows where the is going ilove that you're you're saying that the reason all this is happening right now is because we are now just communicating at a more rapid pace that's all it's boil - you're absolutely right there's a communication revolution yeah yeah and if so if someone says you know well oh hey you you said it doesn't make sense like yeah yeah for sure no one's gonna get it right no one's gonna get it right all the time like no one just no I'm not an Oracle human I was born in New Jersey but you are being held to that standard well we all are now you say something in which there's good -

95:16that - okay the good is you realize like when you're responsible like if you make a mistake and where you say something incorrect or you say something mean you were just trying to be funny - came out bad the the blowback lets you know this is how people feel about that and it's disproportionate because your signals disproportionate your ability to express yourself is disproportionate so the blowback is going to be disproportionate as well so it feels awful but that's just a affirmation just letting you know okay this is not what the and sometimes people are completely wrong about like you know white girls can't wear hoop earrings it's cultural appropriation there's bad signals out there's a lot of bad signals you know where you're racist if you wear a kimono it's auto wreck really dumb bad signals but there's also a lot of exchange and and it'll all work itself out we just

96:07have to be really careful we don't Lynch a lot of people along the way like that would that we don't get convinced that our ideas are 100% the way things should be and that we listen to all these various ideas whether it's ideas about trans people or gay people or women or men or anybody you know like it's it's like it's super important now that people think before they act and that they think before they cast judgment that we have to communicate because there's things are flying at us like fish coming down a river and you're trying to catch them with your hands and there's too many of them do you I mean you're broadcasting every single day for hours do you say things sometimes that come back I mean I know you say things that come back to haunt you or you said this and that was wrong that you said that and this is why you're wrong do you do you ever catch yourself and go oh

96:59yeah I shouldn't have said that definitely all time what do you do with that like that's my boss I made a mistake nice I misspoke right but I'm not this I'm was yeah Oracle if you keep talking people go oh I get it Nikki's just a person that says things sometimes yeah but you don't mean to say dumb things but you're like being a human being is just a flawed exercise like we're super flawed and we're working with language which is our a really awkward way to express intent you know it's awkward this just sometimes the right yeah sometimes the right words not there for you and you use a lot of likes and um so it's like like like in people like like what listening they're on the stair climber and they go you shut the up you talk too much you complain too much and you know their signal like they're mad that they don't have a signal so they're screaming at you for

97:52your flawed signal you have a responsibility you know there's a there's a lot going on there's a lot going on there is and yeah I mean and I have I have a radio show every day that I do and I podcast a nice and even sitting here now I'm like oh what am I gonna regret saying and I've just gotten to a point where it's like I will apologize if I say something stupid and wrong and and offend someone and I really feel bad about it but like I have to just lead from a place of like I at this point in my life I know I'm a good person I don't think I'm a secret psychopath which I think a lot of us are always like am ia bad person deep down do you ever have that did you use that you're like people are gonna figure out that I'm a psychopath you know what I still hurt you so really I wish that I was like Tony Danza yes Tony Danza was always smiling and he was always nice to people I was like I want

98:43to kill everybody and Tony danza's like also nice and smiley I just want to smash people and Tony Danza just seems like such a nice guy like I wish I was like Tony Danza I used to think that when I was like 19 years old I can't I totally relate to that I see people and I go why can't I just be like her and just be smiling and say funny nice things that don't so everyone likes what you say and it still gets people jazzed up but you're not offending anyone it doesn't feel good to offend people and I say things all the time that do and I'm not gonna stop because I just I can't but you're offending people but also making a large amount laugh and the problem is the the if you have a hundred people in the room and ten of them get offended 90 of them are slapping the table and laughing their ass off that's you gotta accept that yeah that's just part of the game that's where the

99:34game you and I play we play a strange game we're in one of the weirdest businesses ever we're in the business of talking we're talkers I love it I love talking shop and I can't stop what do you get in do you get in trouble talking like dude do you feel because I feel like sometimes when I talk to about people that's obviously I'm just I'm talking about myself and I'm just projecting like oh she's you know and really talking backstage where I don't think that anyone will ever tell this to anyone it's not a good you're it's supposed to be like not a good thing to do is talk like that's not healthy for hands-on boy love it it's a hobby it's fun you making fun of things you're making fun of things and it makes sense okay if you're talking it doesn't make any sense and no one wants to talk with you but if you go to Nikki and Nikki says some hilarious oh you're so sure

100:26that's fun and when you both hate someone together and you could just send each other their snap screenshots of their Instagram be like look how sad this is really I'm just seeing myself in her sometimes you're seeing oftentimes what you absolutely hope you never are yes that you fear that you are yes and you think you might be so it's it's it's me hating a tiny piece of myself that I'm trying so hard to keep it back would you need a parent or sad or yeah your hating human behavior that's flawed that's what your hating yeah cuz I don't want to be flawed and I secretly feel in flawed because I am flawed because we all are but it's part of its it's probably to reinforce that you're never gonna do that again by talking about people all that are doing hold yourself accountable because then you can't talk if you do it so it keeps you in check that's a really

101:16good point so there's good to do yeah there's some group text messages hard Oh I know what you mean my god yeah weird where you only talk about one person in them we only go to that mass text to talk about that one person Oh have you ever talked have you ever sent a text to someone that you were talking like about them to the person no but it happened there are stories of people sending like this one girl the other day who told me like in a makeup chair she was like oh I once sent someone a text about someone at work that we were currently working with that was like bah bah bah bah is a fat piece of today completion would wear that dress like that's specific she says to her and she was working with her and had to work with her the rest of the day it happens all the time we just slipped up send it to the wrong time she's telling you Joe be careful because we're all

102:10capable of when you write that name we're writing a name in a text it's so easy to just that person is probably in your phone - yeah yeah it's totally possible but yeah I I love talking to I think that is a thing comics have in common and you know what I extend like making fun of fun is that I'm getting talked about me because it has to happen if I'm talking this much people are talking about me and I accept it and it's fine I don't want to ever know I hate when people go oh you know what someone was talking about you why would you tell me that right be nice if you hear something keep that in that thing well unless that person is like a really good friend and then you find out that they're backstabbing you you want to know that yeah yeah you want yeah you want to mess with it they're saying things to a guy you're dating oh yeah oh if we're that oh god that's the dirtiest

103:01of dirty when you find out for a guy when you find out that a friend of yours is talking about you to a girl you're dating like whoa oh and that happens a lot cuz guys know I've had that happen to me with guys where it's like watch out for this guy I'm like aren't you best friends that's a dirty man that's a person yeah yeah me and my friends we have a very strict policy of what we call jihadi which means like if you're around a girl that the guy likes you blow him up to her say oh he's the best that's awesome I love it he is and if he's not you shouldn't be friends with him anyway but as long as he is you let him know like you know fill in the blank Mike is just a phenomenal guy he's he's such a good dude all the time like he loves you too says great things about you I'm already into this guy that you're talking about in this example I'm like that's that I'm

103:53like dude when I was around you know whatever Shelley I was like my friend Eddie Bravo came up with that term cuz I would do that he goes dude you totally jihad at me for that girl yes that's what we do you just blow you up let everybody knows guys awesome he's the best yeah I do that a lot it feels good - it feels the opposite of talking if you're not lying yeah it makes us as long as you're not lying I love that yeah but but it's hard you know the the petty instinct is to talk that's the petty instinct and some people deserve it and some people don't you know it's there's different motivations right like sometimes you're talking because you're really jealous of someone your job so there were effort their work ethic their success the way they look what fill in the blank you're jealous of something about them that's generally for me what it is I'm gonna be honest I recently got

104:47busted talking about someone and I told and she it got back to me from another friend and I wrote the row and I go I'm jealous of you you're cool and you're who I want to be and I want to be friends with you and you didn't seem to want to be friends with me so I decided I hated you and that you weren't to be trusted and I told people that and it wasn't true it completely wasn't true I was threatened by you and you're hot and I don't like that you exist in the same business as me and it makes me jealous and what did she say and she said I totally get that and I at first she goes at first she just thumbs down my apology which I loved and I was like we're gonna be good but I I love a good I loved apologizing I love like admitting when I've been jealous or petty and I will continue to do so but if I'm caught like yeah I'm Jeff I can be so I got back to me that I said about this girl that she

105:37shouldn't be trusted and I go I don't even know why I would say that about her I have no evidence to back that up equals I was just Petty and jealous in that moment so I wrote her and was like dude I don't know what was going through my mind that week but yeah I did say that about you cuz standard it's a standard instinct yes it's a standard emotion it's so common yeah and and as a woman in this business like I just I support women so much but I'm aware of every woman who is a who is doing the same thing I'm doing in this bit like I'm aware who are the up and comers and I take them under my wing and I build them up but I'm like I'm aware like there's a part of me that's like how is me seeing a headline of them on deadlines have a new show I know that it's good for all of us but like they have a new show and it's in the slot that your show was in you know what it

106:38is I literally have to unfollow girls sometimes who I'm friends with who are in who are comedians who are my peers and who I respect and think they're funny I still unfollow them if I see that they're just like I'm working a lot right now and they're putting out there that they're like really busy with work and I just got kicked off Dancing with the Stars follow them because because I start to feel sad about myself and I would rather just remove that from my feed then and then it's a really awkward follow when I know that or they message me on one of those things and they see I'm not following them because it's like we all know we follow each other know and sometimes I'll just tell them I'm unfollowed you because you you make me feel sad about my own career it's easier to just take them out of my feed yeah but that's a weird one I am I am yeah she just just use it as in from like his

107:32inspiration use them as fuel to work harder yeah I know I do but I would also like to not see let that one go that's not a good one to accept you know what I probably I'm probably gonna unfollow one eye all you guys with your with your workouts and your calorie counts that you know but I'd even post the big one I didn't triggering as two people who used who are like it you know hate their bodies and stuff yeah it can be very triggering so like I just ran a marathon I'm like unfollowed I can't I can't have you in my life bragging about the listen I go to the gym - and I don't tweet about it I want to goddamn I want to I just put so many calories but I don't read about it because I don't want to trigger people and I don't want to be the I don't want to be what I am so jealous of mmm but I should brag about it and I I also like that some people are like look at what I just did

108:34at the gym you I'd work today yeah and they're proud of themselves but I can't I can't see I get inspired okay like you know who I go to like all the time for inspiration the rock yeah that never stops he never stops I mean I don't want to do what he's doing I don't want to do these movies I don't want to do what he's doing but that I admire the out of that guy's work ethic that guy who fly to Tokyo it'll be four o'clock in the morning he sets up an elliptical machine starts going after it that's what he does and that doesn't make that doesn't put you in a place of like I'm I'm never I can't no because you can but the thing is Joe Rogan you can do that look at that look at all his food and he gets to do that because I said oh God he landed in London midnight ordered sushi like a go to his his Instagram with all the work this is you are the rock Joe you are the rock you do

109:24you do these workouts all the time that's how you get I got a text today from David Goggins and I told David Goggins I'm trying to beat everyone by double he's like yeah kill it like hundred the capital a hundred exclamation points that's what I'm saying look at that dude focused I see that I want to go workout right now are you insecure about anything right now in your life well people are always insecure you know I mean it's not something that's like well mo and secured by my act I'm always working on it okay you know I'm always like trying to pick it apart and look at it like like someone who hates it yeah I'm always trying to like mmm where's the flaws you know always Charlie heard you talking about that the other day of like now that you've done your specialness out and like watching it now you come up with new tags you're always always but that's so because you're always growing

110:29and learning and getting better and and I think comedy is like a living thing it's like it's alive you keep watering and it keeps growing you know and sometimes you have to trim things to make it better just like a bush you know you trim a little here tremolo there it gets fuller you know there's but then also it grows and gets bigger you know but then you got to release it at a certain point in time my schedule seems to be two years it seems to be I develop a full solid hour in a year and then I hammer that like a samurai sword for the next eight months and then I film it and then four months later it airs and then I start from scratch that Kardashian bit in the news that's in the last one that's in the last one that's in triggered that well so I've seen you that your stuff is but how do you write like do you do you literally write write or I write write yeah I'll show you how

111:20right one of the things that I use I've been using over the last couple of years I always write like in Microsoft Word and like that but I use this program called Scrivener that I really like and the reason why I really like it especially when I'm doing new stuff is the way it's set up like if you oh wait I know the bit that isn't the new one that I love that you've just done the women inventing things that bit I saw that grow that's a devastating bit because the first time it I saw it it was like already like one of those bits where you as a comedian you watch and you just go I keep what am i doing one of those you know we've all we've all been in the back of the room going what am i doing if that's what's happening and then I that was like early stages of that bit and then it became something so much more I haven't seen your specialty items excited to see where it landed but

112:16that wasn't it that's an incredible bit thank you but where does that start for you so this is with this Scrivener if you see here like all on this this is all my new stuff so these are all the categories and I click on each category and when I go to each category I have all the material that I've written out of was it's not cool to kick robot you know what that's about PETA PETA released a statement because Boston Dynamics has created these robots that are self balancing so they have like a gyroscope in them so these scientists were kicking these the robots these four-legged robots and PETA release a statement saying that it's not cool yes they did I'm like you weak this is gonna be problem number one when the robots take over they're gonna open up the door like you know robots are live in there they're sentient and you can't kick them you know they're gonna eat

113:16your family and at the same point in time you know they're coming up with these you know more and more advanced artificial intelligence so this is how right so these this is essentially stage two so stage one is you know I do everything in Microsoft Word so this is in Microsoft Word all of these are and it's just like you just loose thoughts you're not really cuz you go okay exactly so like this which one is this this one is this is a lot yeah right you gotta write this is how I think yeah I think I think you got to do two things you got an ad-lib you're gonna do it on stage you gotta work things out on stage but I think you're foolish to not write as well because I think there's so much to be gained by sitting in front of a computer working on your act that's one step another step is you have to review your act you have to listen to it or watch it preferably watch it like I

114:10learned a lot watching the editing when I was editing the special and I sniff I had a snip I decided I wanted to be an hour and my set was like an hour and 17 minutes I said let me just cut just I just wanted to just it boom just one hour boom and done so I had cut a couple of bits out but when I did that I was like watching the videos like you know what I should really videotape everything watch video because it's so much more immersive than just audio you know you only get so much out of audio I kind of know my expressions and all the different things that I'm doing but when I see them I go oh it's better if I move like this or it's better if I pause there it's better if I raise my eyebrows it's better if I look concerned like they don't realize how much of comedy is the physical thing until you do watch it you're so right and and you're right about writing it down anytime I've had

115:03to do a transcript for cuz I don't write anything down longhand but when I've had to do a transcript for tonight's show or like just for Laughs festival and see it then you start writing new tags and you're like hold this took was for me to write it out but then what do you do for Microsoft Word then you take it to let's take it to that Scrivener and then what you do there I put it I take the stuff from Microsoft Word and then I trim it down and when I trim it down I put it in Scrivener and when I trim it down and put it in Scrivener when I'm essentially doing is saying okay this is ready this is ready to play and then what Scrivener do someone's gonna freak out so then from there I write things out on an actual notebook and the actual notebook is basically just to get my set list in order and make sure I highlight all the different tags so there's three stages okay

115:56there's a Microsoft Word stage which is basically just free form free association writing things down no there's no structure to it sometimes it comes out like a bit sometimes it's just nonsense that never goes anywhere you needed to get out anyway so you could get to others yeah you will just her Jing yeah well it's I don't know if you need it but it's like there's a road they get onto and as you're on that road also I'm like oh look I've found a bag of gold yeah and and you don't find that bag of gold if you stay home you got to walk you got to get out there and that's that's what the writing does what the writing does it allows you to pick up these little bags of gold along the way and then I take these little bags of gold when I pile them up and then I throw them into the fortress and the fortress is like Scrivener so then I can move those bits around what is Scrivener

116:42do like what is it why is that different than Microsoft well the reason why it's different is because it's set up in columns right so you see how and it's also ATS corkboards see Jamie's got it up on the big screen so in the court boards see how its set up right here like each one of these things if you go to the left side here each one of these categories I can move and I can I can change I can have that bit in the beginning and then once I'm in the bit I can also go to this and that sets me up with a cork board so I can have like I could set up little nope like little setlists well like that like up there notepad things so I could write down these on these index cards like don't forget this or this is important here or this tag line is huge try switching this around and it's just this constant but do you already like this are you already this kind of an organized person have

117:39you always been this way or did you know this is a discipline thing I just want to get like that if you can teach yourself to be like that cuz I just feel like some people are made that way this is not me no this is look at your backpack you just brought out in every pocket as a thing and a pen as I just cleaned it up no you're like that no no if you caught that three days ago wires car like chaos really messing hands really yeah that makes me and so many people listening feels so good right now I clean it up a lot but a lot of times your house like I mean I know you probably have people come in and clean but like if you're in a hotel room over the weekend and don't have a maid service what are we looking at chaos everything spread out all your suitcase is it like each I throw it it's the ground yeah but I mean when I'm in a room like a hotel room it's basically like battle

118:34camp I'm ready to roll you know I don't care what it looks like you know I'm here like I want a clear path to the shower you know I have a desk as soon as I get into the hotel room I've set the computer down the desk I plug it in get connected to the Wi-Fi and then I you know it depends on how long I'm there for what I'm what I'm gonna do and then you know I get to work you know if I'm there I'm there to work so yeah that's you know I'd I said everything I don't spend time folding shirts and socks and and put different things in compartments you're not I also buy these shirts there's a company that I work with called mizzen and Maine and they make these shirts that are like super flexy I know have you ever seen me wear wear these shirts onstage I wore it on my last special special they're like pajamas there you pull on them and they have flex to them so they don't feel

119:26like anything and they never get wrinkly so I can roll that up in a ball throw it into that suitcase and then pull it out and wear it and you would never know efficient yeah but it's just they're the best to wear because when you're onstage they don't feel like anything they feel like you're wearing nothing what is this again Mizanin Maine is the name of the company do they make women's stuff that's a good question I do not know find out so I wear them and I wear these jeans that have like flecks to them so the jeans are like pajamas too like the jeans they're literally like sweatpants like you pull them they snap so they don't get wrinkly either and what's your like like your regiment like your your skin care regimen do you spend a lot of time on that stuff like before you go to bed are you washing your face are you applying oils and creams like are you

120:13yeah yeah but you don't spend a lot of time you don't waste a lot of time doing stuff that doesn't you're very utilitarian but like not not getting Botox if that's you mean I'm a man no no I don't think I definitely don't think you'd like look like your best shot like I'm saying like you literally seem ageless to me I don't understand you like but it is interesting to me because I would have thought you were very meticulous with like organization and wasted a lot of time organizing things and I'm like no you don't know no no no it's Kate I think you have to have both there has to be a look of your comic right if you're good especially I think there's a certain amount of you that has to be impulsive it has to be reckless and impulsive and you have to be like one move away from ruining your life all the time but you have to keep it under control it's like you have a wolf and you have

121:04it behind like this flimsy chain-link fence that you just like huh I'm gonna wire this shot and I'm gonna go to work and I hope the doesn't get out that's literally what it's got to be like but then you also have to have discipline and I think those two counterbalance each other and one of the things that's helped my act tremendously over the last few years I think my I think triggered was my best special ever and I think this one is better than that I think strange times better than triggered and one of the things that over the last three or four years that have really concentrated on is this process the process of organizing and being very meticulous about like how I structure my material and then doing a lot of sets to you got to do that and then around and go on stage trunk I like to go on stage high I like to around because those are workout sets and in in those moments

121:52of chaos sometimes a thing will come out that wasn't there before you just pops out of nowhere and that might be my clue that might be my Bruce Jenner bit that might be my closing bit and that those bits are they're rare they're strange they're there ethereal they come out of the sky you don't know where they're from and you have to nurture that and that comes from chaos and that come that this that's not that's not necessarily a discipline thing yeah the creativity and the madness has to sort of they have to share space with the discipline they have to they have to go back and forth with each other so we've always thought like like people always thought of comedians as being like sad people or drunks or messy people or not disciplined don't have their together but why I don't think that's the case like I'm always gonna be up right okay so how about I be

122:48up but I also keep it together you know so I always have these thoughts you know like I still have crazy thoughts like what like what's your worry why are you up like what are you what's your up thoughts for probably definitely a brain damaged you probably definitely have like some sort of head trauma induced damage I don't know what's going on what has the manifests itself teach us sure sometimes yeah you know it's really good not totally like that but also I work out so much that I drain all that out of my system you meditate yes I spent a lot of time doing the float tank - mm-hmm I have a flow tank right here that helps a lot but I think that if I did slow down and you know I'm people who you workout so much because you're afraid you're crazy yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah what do you say saying something I really when I'm running I'm like you're running I'm

123:40Forrest Gump now I could when I'm going through the worst times in my life I could just run forever and that's what when you see old men running and you're like what are you wired we're running from you're running from something every when you work out that you're running from something and a little mint to it it's a good it's a great coping it's better than drinking for me well it but it works that's the thing it does yeah like if you are crazy and you do it look at if you're comedian guess what you're crazy if you're a good one I've never met a good one that's not crazy I mean everybody's got their own crazy like Howie Mandel's crazy as he can't touch people you know he's got to put paper towels on the ground every time he walks like when he goes to a hotel room you know what he does he lays out paper towels a pathway to his bathroom to the bed like and he won't touch people's

124:23hands he's a severe germaphobe super nice guy yeah the nicest guys you'll ever met meet that's his crazy his crazy is different than your crazy you're crazy is different than my crazy my Crazy's different crystal Lee is crazy everybody's crazy everyone's so crazy you have to be to be good you have to be you have to embrace that yeah there's no way else you're coming up with the kind of up that you and I say on stage that you say in front of a bunch of people and then you hit it with a tagline and you take it to another place like there's no way you're normal there's no way it's not possible but are we are we more crazy than the average person no that's the thing we're just never win everyone's crazy I bet less crazy than the average person because we're free to express ourselves the average person has to live this bizarre contained life where you show up the same place every day do

125:19something you don't want to do every day with a bunch of people you probably don't even like and you're all backstabbing and weird with each other and you're just doing it for a paycheck you know and you're spending the majority of your time here on the heavenly body hurling through infinity doing something you don't want to do don't like yeah that's more crazy what you and I are doing at least we're doing something we love yeah and then that feeling that you get I mean I've seen you crush right you go on stage in the main room and you crush and you say thank you good night never like that is that feeling of making all those people happy of they went out they got babysitters they got together they dressed up they went to dinner they got to the comedy store they they ordered drinks they sat down there and you fulfilled their expectations you gave them what they wanted to see and I've

126:14seen you do it and that feeling that you get when that happens it's indescribable if you drugged you pull you're sure you made 300 people happy you made them all laugh I mean this is nothing like it on earth for us mmm don't you see people that never get to kill and you go oh you poor to kill you just go through your life as a doctor you never get to kill how do you yeah I wanted to die I was like on a path to like I'll poly just kill myself someday if I don't find a purpose and then killing gave me a purpose yeah kill a killing on stage killing on stage was like okay now I have a reason to live that's like up that's up it's so up but it keeps me going and I can I get to continue to do it it's fun sometimes it's a struggle to do and then don't use my siding but don't you like the art of comedy like didn't you'd like it before you ever did it hell yes the greatest it's such a

127:12gift yeah I mean but it just never seemed like an option to me like I didn't even like look at stand-ups like oh that's something I could ever do and I think anybody does until you do it there's some people that are like I love I grew up all I did was I memorized comedy and I performed it for my class and I don't memorize people stand-up I would it was never even something I paid attention to until people were like you should do it and I paid attention to it now in Conan yeah everything but stand-up I was I was never really aware of hmm what were you what was your exposure to it early on well when I was about I think I was 13 14 my parents took me to see live in the Sunset Strip yeah it was in the movie theater and it was Richard Pryor and it was the absolutely the first time I'd ever seen anything like I see it cool parents oh yeah hippies yeah and that

128:02moment when I was in that audience watching that and in dying laughing and are looking around I remember I really really could distinctly remember looking not just looking at the screen but looking at all the people that were just like slapping the chair and moving around and holding their chests and thinking how insane is it that this guy can do this that this guy can just talk and just through talking he's he's making me laugh way harder than any movie I had ever seen in my life and I think it came around I think that movie came out I think live at the sunset came out around the same time as stripes which is like one of my all-time favorite comedies but I remember thinking why isn't stripes as funny as that guy talking how insane is this thing that this guy can do where he he's just talking stripes I'm watching all this stuff play out there's tanks and

128:55yeah you know and but he's funnier than that and I remember thinking he's funnier than any movie that I've ever seen even a Richard Pryor movie a Richard Pryor movie like oh yeah evers funny is him talking like him talking his way funny funniest thing it's the funniest thing a comic killing like I remember my friend steve Schirripa he said something about he went to see something about Mary yeah and this was his and Steve strippers his old-school Italian guy he still there he was on The Sopranos yeah he he said he goes it was as good as someone killing that's what he said he was as good as a comic killing that's how funny that movie is I was like wow what a crazy statement it's as good as a comic killing like it's universally accepted that if you go to see you know what fill in the blank Dave Chappelle whoever it is it's killing bill burr when they're

129:46on stage smashing that that's probably the funniest thing you could ever experience so the art form itself is to me like it's the craziest most craziest dynamic art form yes that we stand up there with a microphone and talking to it and that's all we have yeah there are times where I'm on stage I'm like what how are you are you doing this you you have that moment that other people say to you all the times like how do you just you know musicians say they're like I have a guitar and I get to sing and I rely on all these things use it to talk and there's no other option for us like it's like that's all we've ever done but it is a wild thing that we do it is but you know musicians have their own wildness I mean could you imagine oh god no yeah I'd be no because I have no skill I don't have it either but I admire the out of the marsh because I don't have it yes like I watch like I have

130:42friends that are musicians I go to see them live and it's it's so fulfilling to me because I have no talent so like when I watch them do it I was like this is amazing that they can do this I can't do that that's incredible like why when I go to see Cirque de Soleil I get the same feeling yes doing Dancing with the Stars I'm just like watching these dancers like how did you just do it like that that took me months to learn and you just taught it to this girl in three minutes for her to fill in for me to do the camera block like it was just like I couldn't but yet you that is the thing of the wonder of like I just can't I don't even know what that's like to do but I of course do you play any instrument do you have any musical ability none seems like you would know I know doesn't it suck like I want to I don't want to learn anything and I do too much already yeah you don't

131:29want to you don't I cannot try to manage my time I'm just yeah yeah I have to manage my obsessions but I think that what we're seeing whether it's in music or in you know what going to see a great comic or anything what you're seeing is he's like these portals for expression and the more they concentrate on that portal for expression whether it's dancing or there's musicians or even someone making a film there's the the more they concentrate on those portals of expressions that better the message and the better the impact is going to be for the people that are enjoying it the people that watch it and I think Paul Mooney told me that a long time ago when I was a young comic coming up and he was like the old sage the comedy store he goes if you really want to get good at comedy you want to go up and kill he goes you should go get entertained go get entertained I go really he goes yeah he

132:19goes you know what I do I go to see some music I go to see a movie I get entertained I get entertained and I want to entertain I was like oh oh that makes sense like you go see someone kick ass right well you know you go see someone sing and it's amazing and you're like God that that that that portal for expression like they've honed whatever message that's going to go through that portal and it would reaches you you know it's the result of hundreds if not thousands of hours of twisting and turning and hammering and sculpting and massaging and sanding and and then you get to see it in this finish forming yeah do you go see a lot of music and mercy as much as I can yeah I do it on purpose like I try to be entertained on purpose you saying that to me just now it's like that I need to work harder at do it like it sounds stupid but I need to go and join myself and be entertained more

133:15you're absolutely right because every time I do I walk away from it and I go and be a better comedian yeah I think well Mooney like I said he told me that in the 90s and he's just such a wise man and when and when he told me that I remember thinking like God that totally completely makes sense and I think we don't do enough of that and also I think if you just do only comedy around comedy all the time you can get too wrapped up in it you get too in your own head and you it takes away a little bit of your ability to be free yeah I I don't I don't seek out comedy I see enough of it but movies and I went to a musical last week I forced myself to go just watch people be great at that and it was I left feeling good it's good to do it's hard to do though like to watch a movie I feel accomplished at the end of it like I read a book yeah that's how that's where I've gotten to depends on

134:06that if it's a good movie you know this is something that's like like ex machina I was like one of my favorite movies of all time but I remember seeing that movie and getting out of there going goddamn and I want to make something like that yeah something that when I leave I go that was good god damn they nailed it you know like when when something comes together like that I think it gives you just a little bit of juice music definitely does that to me yes that goes good like I'll play like a five there's a song that really cracks with me I'll play that on repeat in the background while I write I'll just just once are just over and over again and the song sort of like fades into the background and and just gives you energy yeah you know it's that once you hear it like two or three times like the words don't mean anything anymore and then it just becomes like this this is

134:54like power supply have you done the goddamn County Jam and like no no interest yeah bill was trying to get me to sing the other day he's like you should do it because I was to him and Dean Del Ray they what they do is they go to a venue like he played the forum last week so they get there at two o'clock set up the drums and the guitar and the amps and then they play - no audience they jammed all day he played from two to six thirty fine yeah they're playing they're having fun and then you go on later that night and you know you've just free yeah I rented a karaoke room for my birthday and I just sang Taylor Swift songs whole time and had my friends held captive they didn't even they got to sing one or two songs but I only had it for an hour because I had to go do sets that night and I just sang I just performed Taylor Swift to them because I want to be

135:45Taylor so it was so funny I was like I should do this more often by myself just to sing to a track and pretend I'm a pop star for an hour of fun that's so that is such that's so cool that they did that yeah I think just having fun is important just doing things that are fun you know yeah like you I think you could definitely get too distracted when you're not concentrating on what you should be doing but I also think you get too focused where you lose track of what it is like what is this what we do for fun anymore I've had to ask myself that and I'm currently asking myself that and like what do I copy no I mean running but does that count sometimes everyday it's a hobby sure why wouldn't it count because it's like you because it's a thing that people are like oh I got it like it's a chore work look as a chore yeah it isn't anymore to me meditation might be a hobby but

136:42that's more of a practice that I like it's like brushing my teeth so I wouldn't say brushing my teeth to the hobby no and I need more but you've always had hobbies has you've always liked martial arts that turn into a hobby for you as soon as you start doing comedy or did you feel like kind of get back into it not never stopped it's always been a it's just it's almost like a big part of my philosophy like Who I am yeah it's never stopped because you know I started working for the UFC in 1997 that's when I started doing post fight interviews and I was still very involved in martial arts then that's why I was just starting to learn jujitsu so I was involved in a new martial art for me and then I've never stopped I've always done something and I've never stopped paying attention to it or studying it or learning new moves or paying attention to do new trends or you know watching

137:36fights or you know especially things that I don't necessarily practice as much I'm interested in that like watching different things that people do what's the last hobby you picked up bowhunting mm-hmm and you're like really what's a to me it's uh it's gonna sound ridiculous but it's uh it's a spiritual way to achieve your food to get meat you know it's like in spiritual sounds ridiculous to people like oh you're shooting an arrow at an animal you have to be so finely tuned with your senses in your skills and your abilities and there's so much consequence on the line if you up and then the pressure so immense that to me it's almost cleansing in its intensity and that I think doing difficult things makes doing other difficult things better not easier but you're get better at it you get you you understand I think if you put yourself in a situation this happens to certain

138:39comedians they get really good they get really famous and then they only perform for their crowd and they get soft yes I think we've all seen you've all seen them they start to suck they start to their Kamini their comedy gets soft and they become like almost like someone doing an impression of them lose their edge mm-hmm and I think one of the ways to keep your edge is to always be scared so always do something that scares the out of you or do something that's nerve-wracking always do something that's difficult whether it's a martial art or it's learning to dance or learning an instrument or there's something that's something hard like for bill bird does he flies helicopters he plays the drums I think things like that there I think those are critical I think you need different and it almost like should be thought of as like a protocol like like cross-training

139:27that you're not just going to do your discipline but you're also going to be involved in other other disciplines that they add to what you're doing yeah I think that's what you're hitting on exactly why I said yes to Dancing with the Stars which dancing is the thing that I know that I'm worst at was because it's like that's the scariest thing to me and if I do that then I can do so many other things that I'm also scared of that I'm not as scared of as dancing like it's really weird but like I like I'm I would like to talk a lot about sex I'm into like I want to do weird sex things in my life that I've haven't done like I want to go to sex clubs I want to have threesomes I'm pretty vanilla even though I go to a sex club oh yeah I'm on the sex club is the other people in the sex club they're also there yeah no that's not the problem or weirdos jizan on your feet no

140:19they're not it's all very consensual and it's all very studied I know enough going it like I'm ready for it now because I did Dancing with the Stars I'm like oh I could go to go to have a threesome a hundred percent and I was not before because I always wanted to say I've done a threesome I've always wanted that experience to talk about it seems like an interesting thing but do you want to do a threesome with two dudes or do you want to do a threesome with a girl guy but I mean I would I would prefer for my own like I would like more dudes than women cuz I'm just not like started making out in front yeah you'd be like generally it has to be about me they have to be mostly into me but I can I don't mind a little bit of gayness going on like I don't I think we're all like very fluid or whatever but good luck with that thought I am totally like if a guy

141:09is kind of gay but is like enough into me I'm fine with it really yeah if you've sucked some dicks in your life wow you can I could take you mind I don't care is aren't I cool how many dicks if you like equal dicks to I don't care as long as you're very into my while it's in front of you is that rare though that seems rare this seems like most girls would be skeeved out I think that is rare no I think it's rare but I think it shouldn't be I think that why shouldn't it be she is what like whatever you like like if you're just in this totally straight man there's nothing wrong with that as long as you're not homophobic no bisexual or phobic to the point where you judge them and you hate them but you shouldn't like you have to like them well okay here's I don't think that I don't think that liking dick makes you like any less if you also if you're bisexual it's not like you have

142:03an amount of liking other people's body parts to give out and you're giving half of that to Dick's and half of that to I think you can like them both equally and be as excited by them I've met bisexual men who like people that I don't really totally believe but it was just a good joke yeah that I kind of believe that I believe in gay women but and I believe in bisexual women but I think there's two types of gay men I think I don't necessarily believe in bisexual men I think there's gay men and then there's really gullible straight dudes who get talked into blowin crafty gay guys I think those things do it's real there's definitely some gullible straight dudes but I do think there are really bisexual men I'm just that's just a joke of course that's just a joke but I do I think you're right those do exist like straight men who and who will live with that secret and

143:05here comes revolt is massage therapists good guy yeah I'm into I don't I I think that if I'm not like I don't look at women and go like I want to her but if a girl was like super into me I could totally date someone and fall in love with someone and like be in a romantic sexual relationship with a girl that would be just as gratifying as with a man because she would have to be so you have to be into me like I think that's the thing that I'm into men look a certain way too they wear like down vests when it's just a little too warm out for that vest because they're just like I just like a woman who just lumberjack E I like to be pursued so any kind of energy you give me like where you're like I want you and I'm coming after you and I'm not gonna really take no for an answer not in a rapey way we all know but like I do like energy of like like a thick woman with a big neck

144:25but yeah like I've met Ruby Rose type character I mean I that's everyone's like yeah that would be nice that's what everyone wants no I mean Jennifer Aniston is the my favorite like she she was Bo if she's like I know what's wrong with me this is why I can't settle down with a dude oh god I want a woman yes like Nikki Glaser oh my god I would you be into that yes for real yes Wow if she was into me but if it was like if she was like I'm gonna try this out then no but if she was like I want this girl and I'm gonna come after her oh yeah Wow have you had lesbian relationships for no not even close but I did make I make it I made out with most girl I mean it was like all my girlfriends before I ever kissed a guy because I was so scared of boys that I just the first time I got drunk I made out with all of my girlfriends because we wanted to kiss boys but we didn't have boys

145:16who like Diaries that's the difference in girls and boys guys don't ever do that oh they just don't talk about it generally oh they do that yeah I can make out with each other I think so how many guys if you had like ten guys in a room how many guys you think have made out with their buddies I'm not kidding you I think four out of ten guys have done some gay stuff early on before that they had a chance to do it with women straight men who identifies straight you are dealing with a severely impaired sample size like whatever semi homo energy you're attracting poor John Travolta's just a joke just a joke John the I don't think that's the number I mean I think it's probably like what is that what is what's the standard accepted number of homosexuals in a population what time it's a real I think it's like 10 do these so many more just stop and think about that right there's

146:1720 million people in Los Angeles you think 1 out of 10 I think there's 200,000 wait no that would be like wait 20 million people when it's so that's 2 million people ok that is a lot of games a lot of homos you can still say homo you homo enjoy it what you can dangerous saying homos is like oh there's an aggression to it you beautiful home you can say alright he respects us what are the numbers what is this members of gays broken down by yeah but how many closeted gays she's a nut I know so many closeted gay guys and there's step there's several stages to that there's closeted gays that are out to their friends which I have friends that are closeted gay that are out to their friends but they're in the business and so they're closeted right then there's closeted even to their friends I have I have one friend in particular you know you are oh sorry or just

147:14self women or five percent of women 5.1 percent Amendment and three point nine percent of men yeah that are identifiying so then let's round up a little bit yeah how much we round up I gotta round up at least a percentage more so we're dealing with about five percent I think five percent if you're rounding up five percent then we're looking at 10 percent oh no it's the read what do you mean so five percent of women identify in three point nine percent of men so if you're rounding up if you're doubling that what you're saying rounding up five percent or you're running up five percent of the percent it's been clearly established I think is safe if they're saying it's three percent I think it's probably five percent okay oh I see what you're saying you're rounding up one percent yes okay then that's why that's one thing doing I think it's about yeah and probably maybe

148:10even more because it's just such a stigma whenever there's a stigma of something there's always going to be a bunch of people that are just in denial of it and just they're sad that they are and you know yeah he was a guy that I used to know and he was a comic and he used to have the most ruthlessly homophobic material it was awful it was awful like he used to do like he's duh God he should do these really mean nasty jokes about gay guys and then I moved out here to LA and then somebody said hey did you hear that guy's gay and went what he finally came out might get the out of here and then I go back home went back to Boston and then they all son he's like a big old Queen it's like he just he was just keeping it in the poor bastard you know think that that that's it happens all the time the guys when when guys have acts where I watch onstage and they're just they hate

149:09women so much that's that's not so much hating gay people but hating women in a way that they're like a lot of guys that um yeah I have a lot I used to hate my vagina a lot because I would hear guys talk about like beef curtains or bullion Darby's five for five dollars likes and I have like one of those vaginas right so I'd like more I have like like not like it's not like hanging down to my knees but like I have a I don't have a you see in porn like I look like I don't have like a perfect little designer batch and I used to be really insecure about it because I used to hear guys say like too many lips down there it's gross and I think that a lot of guys that have that kind of mentality about and say that dick they're gay and I would be disgusted with too I would have that like looks like a rose bees I would act that way too if I were a gay man that if I had to do

150:02something that I didn't really want to be doing by Nature so that's where I think that comes from sometimes good Bing so when I see a guy when I see a guy on stage just say like really disgusting things about women and just hate women I'm just like gay gay gay gay gay gay yeah could be do you remember like I mean I was gonna say bring up that what is his name Ted we talked about the other day on the podcast I just have a whole bit about him from 2009 that my but special no no he was the the famous preacher Ted Haggard oh yeah just rabidly anti-gay turned out he was smoking math and having gay sex with gay prostitutes and then they outed in him on CNN the gay prostitute was like I sucked your dick and we smoked crack together but that's what it is it's like these guys they hate what they are and there's so many of these anti-gay politicians that turn

150:58out to be you know so many of them it's almost a go the other way because you were just telling us who you are too many times they don't know I think the thing about people that are living a lie is that they're always living in that lie and they can't see truth because they're spouting I think if you lie all the time like you're always not expressing yourself in an honest way you get super confused and you don't know what it is it's like comics who steal jokes can't write jokes you ever notice that yes there's no comics to steal jokes that write amazing show write amazing jokes and also steal they don't do both do both you do one or the other right yeah because to be living in that lie like oh yeah I thought of that that's my joke like you're constantly like justifying it and living in your head like that those comics when they're when they get outed and they're forced to write their own

151:50material they suck they suck like like a joke like an open mic or something like someone who doesn't know how to do comedy and they could've been doing comedy for 10-15 years yeah but you'll see their material and compare it to the jokes they stole you're so right to live alive that bet to steal material you can't be actually a creative genius person in another way what's a totally different different you're different you're not a comedian you're a thief you're you're a magician you're doing something you're doing an you're an actor you're a liar yeah you're just a liar it's not the same thing so the opposite is so interesting to take that away from them and then they'd we've seen it yeah we wouldn't have to mention any names we've seen it and when you see it it's super obvious and they get terrible as they get older as they get further along in their

152:45career instead of getting better they get way worse that's so weird when you're like we've all been accused of masti lling material because there's one tweet that someone did and it's like well that's a similar thought and it's like well it's a parallel thought idiot there's always parallel thought if I was a joke seat when I've been accused of stealing line it's like why would so then all of my stuff is stolen because why would I do that why would it take that one do I really need that that badly that I would steal it and then all this other stuff is original then all of my stuff is probably stolen right and without some one of the weird things you do find out when you find out that someone's a thief then then someone starts going through their material and comparing it to all these other comedians you go holy like look at all this oh my god and then look at that

153:28time it has a bit from MADtv or that's a Cosby bit oh my god and then you see like most of their thoughts they've somehow or another pilfered from someone else and just sort of repackaged and that's a different kind of talent I'm almost like okay I respect that you were able to have that ruse going for that long that's like a different kind of that's it you're just a imagine that you're just being that much of a and he keeps waiting for someone to pull out that YouTube clip and just but they must not I don't think they I don't think they think about they can't possibly think about that I mean when I used to when I used to shoplift I was worried about getting my goose caught yeah oh yeah I was sick shoplift while you're anorexic big time oh I was like I was addicted to it my shoplifting to keep yourself from thinking about the fact they were really skinny I was shoplifting to stop from

154:21thinking about how I was hungry or that I was hated myself for it was just a hi I would get like getting things and I would steal things that I didn't want that I didn't like that I would never wear that I just wrote this because I could yeah and I always knew I would get caught and I knew that I had to get caught to quit but I wanted to keep going as long as I could and then I got caught and I never shoplifted again after getting caught but like I remember getting caught and being like I knew I needed to get caught thank you like I'll never do it again and she was like I'm tired of this and screaming at me she was like a couple years older than me was in urban outfitters in Lawrence Kansas I was on a break from work and I just went over to do some light shoplifting Wow and I got caught on the way out the lady the beeper went off it was so embarrassing

155:05because she went through my bag and she goes really this shirt this is disgusting she was judging and she was like cooler than me it was so humiliating on every level I was wearing my uniform from my the restaurant job where I worked next door and it was the Urban Outfitters that was like the only cool place to shop in my college town and she was like you're banned for three years I'm like this is the rest of college so I'd have to go in in disguises to actually purchase things cuz I was banned but I I never shoplift again but I work at disguises where I would just like wear sunglasses and like a scarf yeah i but i but being someone who stole things like i knew that i would get caught and i wanted to get caught because it's a terrible life do you think these people want to get caught no no I think they just want to kill you they get addicted to killing

156:01you know one of the things that happens like when someone gets caught stealing we're talking about this the other day was that when someone gets caught stealing and then you call them on they said I won't do that again and then he's here hey you hear he just did that your bid at the Laugh Factory that he said he would stop doing it but these people weren't addicted to killing yeah addicted to it can you imagine being having that taken away from me like that's what I keep thinking about with comedians that have had to not go on stage anymore because something happens obviously the me to stuff that's happened I like there's a part of me that's like what if someone said I couldn't go on stage for a year I was banned right well yeah like forever he's basically banned forever I wouldn't I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't do stand-up at night and like I'm not

156:51jerking off in front of people so like I'm not at risk of losing that right now but like I don't think he thought he was at risk of losing I did think that Dave do you think like it was just a matter of time I mean I know that maybe towards the end when everything was kind of blowing up around him with other men that he was maybe worried about it but like do you think he went years of like I hope this doesn't come back probably yeah yeah yeah cuz it's a you know that's a weird one that's a hobby because that's one that you like how do you describe that I mean how do you how do you defend that like it's you really can't it's just a weird one it's just it's not the worst one because I should just say I'm into jerking off and for a woman I don't know what it's my thing I'm sure just listen to Jim Norton Jim Norton is his attorney he should have done a press conference and Jim Norton

157:41should have been his attorney they would have cleared that thing up in a heartbeat yet to Nord you know Jim Norton who said well I call from front of women as well but a lot of times they have dicks and that's what I'm into and like I mean yeah Norton is so free he talks about like his he's into and like that that's his thing and you know a lot of state training anymore by the way oh that's right it's a great thing but he could still say because he's into them he would cause the matter they just let it slide that's he really does like he does so much yeah no I know really I think he's talked about liking having people on him yep like he puts down a tarp before it yeah women come over some yeah it like seven women piss in his mouth remember reading his books like early on and Cosby like I can't believe this man talking so openly about this but thank God for him there's

158:34nothing he's not worried about anything coming back to haunt him no he's so brave because the fact that he's so ruthlessly honest like that and loved for it yeah you know monster ran him talking about blowing another kid underneath the porch as a kid that was I mean people now talk openly about being molested or having weird sexual experiences with boys early on and it's more of like an oaky thing when Jim Norton was doing it back in 2002 no one talked about that it was and joked about it and was beloved by ona fans were I mean he he was someone that early on I was like I this is different to me and I love it and I want to be on the other side of this where I can talk about all this stuff too and not oh that's interesting because there's so much freedom and being able to be like yeah I blew a kid under a porch when I was a kid yeah there's nothing wrong I

159:23was a kid just freedom in being yourself being yourself being honest yeah and you find that when you are yourself so as you're not hurting anybody yeah you when you are yourself you find people actually love you for it yes yeah they land they love the fact that you can be so brave that you can talk about all the different things you love that other people might be scared of admitting yes yes like that like his love of transgender women like think of that like if that came out about someone who was trying to hide that it would be devastating to them but to him it's just like he'll just talk about it openly and laugh about it yeah and it's not a point of contention at all it's not you know something it's not something he's ashamed of it's just who he is I know I've him and there there's several other people though but just two I remember Sarah Silverman her hearing

160:15her talk about being a bed-wetter and I was that was like my biggest shame for so long and then just like okay well then that then it's okay right just that all it took was one cool woman to say she did something embarrassing and I was like okay it's acceptable I can talk about it and so that's why I talk about like I like anal sex I don't think that it's the cool thing I'm not saying that like I I'm not trying to put that out there as like aren't I naughty and don't you want to me like that's not my intention with it even though people will put that on me sometimes but it's because you should try it it feels good put it out there to women like it's it actually like I wanted just more people to experience it and not be scared of it and it is gross and it is scary and it is weird but like I talked openly about it because I hope that if you are a girl that's into it

161:06you're not ashamed of being into it or if you're a guy that's into it you're not you should have two gay guys are gonna have a threesome with I honestly listen do you think you would be excited about a dude but a dude who's you like if you got some sort of Human Centipede thing going um no because I don't think he could focus on me if he was like you you both focused on me I need to be the focal the focal point if I'm gonna be in one of these things which I think you can arrange that good luck good luck arranging what people are gonna focus on oh that's a good point but that's that's the thing that I was fearing of doing a threesome is like what if I get in it and like what if I have to go down on a girl and like I'm doing it and I'm like yeah it's bad or something or it's like what a bad what's bad I don't know what if what if I just don't like what's very possible when I did

162:28Dancing with the Stars I really came out of it being like I'm ready to eat some now because I faced my fear of dancing in front of millions of people which is like the scariest thing I've ever done on live TV anything could go wrong and now like what's why you so scared of a threesome cuz I think my thing about a threesome is I'm gonna get into it I'm gonna be like I don't want to be here and that I'll still have to go through with it but like no it won't check please you know what I like I changed my mind yeah which I do all the time now with hookups I think that as a woman we are so conditioned to think that men have to come at the end of it there's the thing called blue balls and like in that if you if you've made out with a guy and gotten alone with a guy and you've decided to hook up with a guy and you're like I'm getting naked with a guy you have to go through the whole thing until

163:13he orgasms like that is what that is what we are sold because men put that pressure on you it's not men it's women it's magazines it's teenagers tell you you have to make them come well like 5,000 ways to blow his mind and to do this with a feather you know that kind of shot they keep coming up with those lists I mean it's all the same job educational episodes how many issues have been made I mean it's the same thing workouts the last ab workout you'll ever need well then you better not tell me another one cuz you just said this is the last one I'll need even though you'll say that next year too so there's endless things but I but my new thing is now like when I used to be so scared of hooking up with guys because I was like if I agree to kiss a guy alone in a room then I'm probably agreeing to have sex with him and then I don't even want to put myself in that

164:02scenario so I just didn't even kiss boys see that's something that a man doesn't have to fear right if a man is alone with a woman and he's making out with her in a room he doesn't think like oh my god I have to satisfy her she's gonna be mad at me yeah and it's not even about like it is it is exactly what you're saying cuz I want to backtrack and say it's not about like he's gonna force me to have sex with him it's like he's gonna be okay he's gonna be mad or disappointed in me he's just gonna like he's just gonna be mad and I don't want a guy to be mad at me right and so I only want about an unpleasant experience for the other person exactly you just don't you just want to be nice right and accommodating and that's what I felt always felt like if like if I if I make out with a guy I have so many times in my life been making out with a guy and been said in my head like what's the

164:49least second date I make this guy like white lease the lease what what can I do that is gonna make me feel the least bad about myself or like something I'd what do I wanted what can I do to make what how the can this guy get off and I can leave feeling good about myself and like I didn't do something I didn't want to do which a lot of times you do something you don't want to do right it has happened to me and do I call rape on it do I look back on the guy and go he raped me no do you think that the solution to it do you think the solution to that is wait way longer before you get intimate with someone like get to know them really well no I think the solution is educating women and telling them that it's okay if a guy doesn't come and it is okay the second you're like I'm not really feeling this that's that's the case for sure but I mean personally for you did not be in

165:34that situation like know a guy really well before you're intimate with them because isn't that part of the problems a lot of times people get intimate with someone especially if alcohol is involved you get intimate with someone before you know them and then you may be in the situation and you're like this is not what I wanted and now I feel gross and I want to get out of here I think yeah that's part of it and to not I think it really is though as a woman just being able to be say make the situation uncomfortable by being like I'm done here I'm so sorry I'm not gonna come and so neither are you and maybe we'll do this again sometimes I've done that recently sound like the lady who's in charge of the audition hey Thank You Mickey I really have reached that point with myself though where a bunch I did that to someone recently so it's like I was literally hooking up with them and I was

166:25like I don't just I think this is it this is gonna be like and it was but here's my thing is like more I hate being this woman that but if I'm gonna get anything across your listeners I cuz it's I sound like a hack 80s female comic right now but like more foreplay like I never thought I'd be a woman that says that just like we need I could always be convinced to have sex with you if I'm willing to make out with you then I am what I am somewhere in the realm of things and I'm not giving this every woman but for me I win willing to take a good from you you that opportunity if I'm making em hands open yes convince me turn me on don't just try to stick your dick in me right after making out that's not gonna be the way to me sometimes I think no she says no why no they're panic cars but before she says no no you are all this time to get me to say yes some people are panic or

167:27just we need to bring back dry humping it is so hot getting to the point where I'm so revved up that I'm like I need it like girls are I want because you know what it feels like to get fingered when you're not turned on it feels like the way it feels when a girl when a girl grabs your dick and you're not hard you know that feeling where you're like oh no no too early don't do it don't do it yet like let me just get that's the way it feels when a guy goes to finger you and you're not wet you're like I could get there but now I'm not going to cuz now I'm insecure that I'm not wet and now it like I just want to cut this thing so don't touch us there until we're like please let until we take your hand and do it right that is and and if you get us there which you will by doing all the other stuff dry humping over the pants stuff feeling our tits kissing

168:19kissing get us revved up and we will ask you to we will beg you to us you should give a seminar I sure like this is like you feel that I feel like you're on stage in front of a large audience telling people how to do this I really I could I want to give like sex TED talks because I think that I could get men and women to have more sex and enjoy it more because I've just given this stuff so much thought but I I really hate being the girl to say more than say yeah I do I talk about this a lot I'm just starting me to get into this area this is I'm this seems like it's ripe for material man it's it's just true and annum I'm also telling guys in the audience who I might like I'm hoping that there's a guy in the back of the room that I'm like into you know I've done that before whether it was like a guy I'm crushing on and I know he's in the room and I'm like

169:05here's the handbook just like do some over-the-pants fingering over the pants face jeans tight jeans over-the-pants use the seam on where your the little notch that's a that's a thing all right I'm sorry Joe thanks Nikki thanks for being here appreciate it we just did three hours sorry to end it like that no it's fine to end it that way keep going if you like just to like settle it down no we don't need to I can I can I can get off on a high point that was good good get out there I don't need any foreplay on the back end okay so I don't need to rev down okay Nikki Glaser everybody Oh tell everybody where they can find you on Instagram where where can they send these dick pics they're coming you're oh god please I don't want any dick pics I'm Nikki Glaser Twitter Nikki Glaser I have a serious XM show every single morning Monday through Thursday you do that from from New York

170:10in the serious building I live in New York City generally yeah yeah I'm here all the time but yeah it's every morning from 10:00 to 12:00 Eastern on Comedy Central radio sirius XM channel 95 so you have to get out a blue wire every morning at 10:00 a.m. yeah I know that's a good job it is a job you like it I love it cool it's really fun yeah how much fun this is fun really yeah I enjoyed it thank you for having me I opposed you to be on it I just confronted you backstage and I was scared but you're awesome and I really appreciate you having me thank you you're awesome too that's a really fun talk it's fun talking to you Nikki Glaser everybody