Greg Fitzsimmons

00:00We're just We're about as lucky as human beings ever get to be. Are we live audio-wise? We're live podcast wise. Greg and I were just talking about Greg. For people who don't know, Greg Fitz Simmons and I have been friends for like 28 years. 28 years. Dude, we're old as God damn. God, we're old as We started out as raw open micers almost exactly at the same time. Yeah, but I was dreaming about it since I was a kid. When did you when did you think that you it might be something you want to do? Because I was grabbing microphones when I was eight. Wow. Telling jokes into them. No That's awesome. What about you? No, man. It wasn't until I was like 21, like right before I did it, like maybe 20 or 21. And one of the reasons for it is uh a guy still a good friend of mine. His name is Steve Graham. He was an opthalmologist. And he was this guy who was just this he's a such a wild

00:59man. Like I've met some people that purport they sort of pretend to be wild men. This guy is the wildest dude I've ever met in my life. But a super smart, super nice guy. Yeah. And he was on the US ski team. Okay. And when he described his ski run that he did to make the team, he said like at any moment in time I would have crashed at any he's like I barely hung on the whole way and had this ridiculous time that I could never do again. And he was like laughing about it. But dude had like I know I'm going to this up, Steve, if you hear this. I think he had 25 knee surgeries on his knees. No Yeah. His knees were insane. Yeah. His knees got to the point where um they had to resurface them. So the top of his knees, he doesn't have any cartilage anymore. So there's a steel cap that they put on the top of his knees and then there's like this artificial meniscus in there and it

01:49rolls up and down. He has like a very limited range of motion with his knees. He's in his man I want to say he probably is 60. He still spars all the time. He's almost legally blind. Like he has to have like he's been hit in the head so many times. He has to have these uh these things that go over his glasses so he can see better cuz he's had a bunch of eye surgeries. Hit in the head from skiing, from sparring. He still spars all the time. He's super smart, but he doesn't care. Like he's like, "I'm just here." He goes, "I'm not here for a long I'm just here for a good time. He'll laugh at you like he used to be a flight surgeon. He's a animal. Where's he from? Um I think he was originally from upstate New York. He's one of the very few people that told me a UFO story and I had to go whoa h cuz this dude just doesn't make up and he's done everything. So maniac

02:41when I met him he was uh learning taekwond do immediately became obsessed. Want to start fighting immediately. So while he was a resident, okay, he was going through his residency for opthalmology. He'd be sitting on the toilet. He told me he was sitting on the toilet eating lunch and his he fell asleep while he's taking a and his pager went off and woke up. He's like that's the guy you want heading to the operating room when you're laying on the table. He's a student. The guy still got a dookie in his cheeks. He hasn't even have time to wipe it out. You were always on call. You were always working. Oh man. I had two friends that went through the residency. My other friend was a Korean friend. His name was Jungshik. And Jungik, he actually won the nationals. He won the US national championship while he was in medical school for Taekwondo. Yeah, he was he

03:27was a beast. And he was never like a really physically talented guy. He was um just unbelievably determined and super smart. And not it's not that he was physically inept, but he didn't have any amazing attributes. Like some some fighters just have amazing physical attributes. Well, plus he could always he could already count to 10 in Korean, so he was like ahead of the class. He was also like super humble. It was really weird. I mean, you were talking about a dude who won the national championship. And when you would ask him about it, he would always, "Oh my god, I suck. I'm terrible. I can't even believe that I win these fights." Like, he would just joke around about it. How do people I mean, you're I put you in this category is I'm amazed by some people's energy because I've always had I think because I have depression. I have mild depression, medicated for it.

04:16And my whole life I've struggled to manage my energy and to focus it and pick what what it is I need to accomplish and put my energy on that and let go of the things that keep it simple. Just keep it simple. And I look at somebody like you are talking about this guy and I mean you already did a three-hour podcast today. You're sitting down with me. We're we're seven minutes into another three-hour podcast. You probably already worked out today. No, I didn't. I think I had uh food poisoning. Oh, right. Right. Yeah. I was telling you before. But it's just amazing to me how we're all built differently. And when you ga when you gauge success, it's like, you know, we all are dealing with a different tool belt. Some of us have this unlimited energy and focus. Some have ADHD. And somehow those things that you up can make you stronger. Like I'm sure there's things about you that are that

05:05maybe you didn't do well in school because of that made you successful in life. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. Um, I'm ne I've never been a very disciplined person, believe it or not. But you've always had the energy. But I've always been driven. Like I find things that I obsess on and then it's not a discipline thing. It's a matter of like almost like limiting my amount of time that I'm doing them. Like when I like when I was doing taekwondo when I was competing, it was never an issue of I got to be disciplined and show up to train. It was the opposite. It was like I was training all day. I was constantly training. I was obsessed, you know. So, but the problem is like if you say, "Hey, you have to go do your taxes." I'd be like, "Oh my god, I can't do it." It's like if you told me that I had to be an accountant, I'd like, "Oh my god, I'm too stupid. I can't do it. I

05:50I just don't I can't focus on anything I don't want to focus on." So, getting a business manager was like the greatest thing that ever happened to you. That's huge. But it's also like picking something for a living that you actually enjoy doing. I think there's a lot of people that are tortured out there that really are supposed to be like a a bike maker. They're supposed to make motorcycles or something, but instead they got sucked into some insurance job and they don't give a about it and they're just trying to sell policies and it's just a grind on your soul every day. You and I, that's what we were talking about before the podcast. How lucky we are out of all these years that we've known each other like we're we're comics. Yeah. This is what we always wanted, but we didn't even know we wanted this. And it's and when I go like people say to me, I'll be out to

06:31dinner. It'll be like 10:15 at night. I'm in Venice Beach. I'm with good friends and my wife having a nice meal, finishing up some terramisu, pay the bill. They're like, "Ah, I'm tired. All right, we're gonna go to bed." I'm like, "Yeah, I'm heading to Hollywood. Gonna do a spot in about 45 minutes." They look at me like I'm crazy. And they go, "Is it for the money?" I go, "No, I think I'm getting $15." "Well, is it to get seen?" I'm like, "There hasn't been industry at the comedy store in about three decades." Well, why are you doing it? Why are you doing it? And I go, I got no idea. I just need to do it because I just I love it. And it's not and it's like and I'm never too tired to go do a spot. I'll be too tired to write a spec script I'm supposed to be working on or whatever. But when it comes time to I look at my my my phone and I go, "Oh, I got to I got a 10:30 at the laugh

07:22factory." I'm like, I'm in the car. I got classic rock playing. I'm ready to go. Right. Yeah. It makes sense, man. You know, I mean, after 28 years, how lucky are we? Stupid lucky. But that energy that you get out of like laughter, people laughing at your ideas and and orchestrating those ideas and getting them done and, you know, dismounting strong. Thank you. Good night. Bring up the next guy. Especially the way we do it at the store where you're doing these 15 minute sets. It's fun, man. Such a perfect amount of time. Working some new Do some you know is going to work. working some new Yeah. Taking a little hand grenade. You know you got Yeah. I I I a joke just bombed. Here's a little Here's a little thing I call winter jacket from 1987. Bam. Back in the game. And also you get to see all these other people. You know, I think it's super important in this in this the

08:22climate right now. I'm sure you've been aware of all the Amy Schumer controversy. Oh, please look. Jesus Christ. We are we are all influenced by each other. Yeah, all of us. But it's a good thing. What's important is just originality. It's very important. So what like there's comics like I know Norton doesn't even like to watch people. I can't watch people. Yeah, he does. But I do. I do all the time. You don't watch people. Like if Lou shows up, you don't watch him. I'll watch a little bit and then I'll walk out. I tell I can't be anywhere near Oh, he gets you with that cadence. My balls smell like a foot. So yeah, and that's how that's how she ended up. Anyway, a couple McNuggets later, you know, it's like where I don't say that. What the He's just too Yeah, it's too strong. But um if I'm working on the road, I'll watch both comics that the the opener and the and the um

09:14feature act. I'll watch them. Number one, so I don't do any of the same premises, right? And number two, I feel like I owe it to them because a lot of them will say, you know, I asked to work with you three months ago. It's like it's a really big deal to them to work with headliners that they like, you know, and I think part of that is I have a responsibility to watch their act and say, hey, great job or you know, hey, there you go. You know what I mean? But like give them give them some feedback and man, I take numbers all the time. I'll get a guy's number if he's good and then when I'm in when in his neck of the woods then I'll call him up and I'll have him featured for me in a club. That's huge. That's giant. When you're a young guy and uh somebody gives you that nod like that. Yeah. First person I ever worked for was Warren McDonald. Remember Bill McDonald's

10:03brother? Yeah. He played guitar. Great guy. George McDonald's brother. George McDonald's. Bill McDonald. Didn't they have a brother Bill too? No. No. George. George. I think there was I think they had a bunch of kids in the family but those were the two comedians. George was the one. I'm sorry. George. George is the one he used I'm an idiot. Uh George is the one who used to host open mic night. First guy to ever bring me on stage at an open mic night. Super great guy. Great. He was my roommate for a while. Was he really? In New York. We lived on Malberry Street together. Oh, dude. I remember when you lived in Little Italy. Yeah. I went to visit you up there once. You had this cool apartment like right over an Italian restaurant or something. Yep. And it was it was above the Ravenite Social Club which was John Gotti's social club. Dude, you were in the hood. I remember

10:42when I went to visit you when I went up to your apartment. And I'm like, "Dude, you're in the hood." Yeah. It was Malberry between Prince and Spring. And it was like uh you know, Wednesdays was uh was the night when the the family would get together and Gotti's son was out front and all these limos would pull up and they'd double park and these guys in overcoats would go out and they'd go all into this little club. Oh my god. And they'd walk up and down the street because they uh the place was wiretapped. The Ravenite Social Club was um where all the deals went down. for the it was the Gambinos, right, Gotti? Yeah. And so they started walking. They knew the place was wiretapped, so they would walk down the street down Malbury Street in groups and they'd talk. So the FBI started inserting they would park cars on the street and they'd put wire taps in the hubcaps of the cars. Whoa.

11:32And they would pick up the conversation as they walked up and down the street. Whoa. Yeah. And so we moved into this place and it was uh Tony and Glattis. It was a sixfloor walk up. It's no joke. And so if you're on the sixth floor, you got to carry your couch. Six. Well, we didn't have to because we moved in and we took they gave us their apartment. This old Italian couple. And we move in and they uh they had a it was an illegal sublet. So we move in and they've got the couches with the plastic on them and the little end tables. is there's Craig's old apartment. There it is. That's my apartment. What floor were you on? Sixth floor. Holy Oh, no. I guess it's five. Five floors. So, you didn't have an elevator. You had to walk all the way up. Walk all the way up. And there was no buzzer. So, you'd go out on the fire escape and throw the keys down below. That's hilarious. So, someone

12:24would ring your doorbell, you go, "Hey, man. Here's the key." You'd have to drop it on their head, right? But how many times did the key like hit the ground? I think after a while it wouldn't be viable. You put it in a sock, dude. You roll it up a sock. This is the move. I love it. Makes me want to live there for like a a day. Let me tell you, it it was we moved in and they So, we got all this plastic furniture. We and and then uh and it had uh the the the end table. I open it up and there's um shell casings. Shell casings from a gun. Oh. And then there was a wire there was a a a device to listen to to record your phone conversations they left behind. Like they were all somewhat in the mafia. They weren't necessarily getting paid, but like everybody was like running numbers with their friends and involved. And he goes, "Anybody ever bothers you, you let this guy's like 80 years old.

13:13You let me know. I'll take care of it. I know people. You know who I'm talking. I'm not going to say who I'm talking about, but you know who I'm talking about." And so they got a condo around the corner because their son Gregory was in construction and he bought them a condo cash that was nice. And then we paid we paid $700 a month in rent, me and George together first of the month, walk around the corner to Prince Street, sit down with them, they'd make cappuccino, give us canoli, and I'd give them $500 cash. And then Tony would go in the other room and I'd give Glattus another 200 because that was her bingo money cuz St. St uh St. Anony's on Sullivan Street had bingo on Tuesday nights. And then uh St. Patrick's on Malberry Street had bingo on Thursday nights. Was that a deal that you all worked out together or did you just Glattus made the deal with us?

14:03Glattis made the deal. So, did Glattus tell you to keep it on the DL that she's getting the two? Tony had no idea. Tony don't need to know about my bingo money. That's hilarious. Oh, I would so be happy to keep that secret. Right. Like, Glattus, I'll go to the grave with the secret. Yeah. So, she and they'd all play bingo and then they they'd bet the numbers. There was a there was a woman, Gina, and she had these two little schnowzer dogs and she'd walk up and down Malbury Street and people would stop and say hi to her like every half a block because she ran the numbers and you gave her 10 bucks and I don't know if you know how the numbers work, but they basically take the purse at aqueduct every day. You look in the New York Post and it's there's a purse that's like however however much money was bet. Say it's you know 300,000 551 and the last three digits of the purse

14:51is what the number is that won the day before. So you play three numbers for $10 and it pays what would the odds be? 10 to one? 100 to one? I don't know what the odds are but and this old lady was walking around. She'd go to the shark bar. People make bets with her. My grandmother went to jail for that. No Yeah. Really? Yeah. Yeah. When we would go visit her in Jersey. Yeah. Yeah. In New York. Wow. We'd go visit her for 6 months. We'd be like, "Where's grandma?" "Oh, grandma's with grandma's with your aunt. Your aunt was in there, too?" No, no, no, no, no. She wasn't. You know, it was just they would tell me that she was visiting my aunt. So, that you know. So, was she like on the street corner running numbers? I don't know the full extent of the story, but I know that she wouldn't she she's dead. Um and they she wouldn't rat out the the mob, right? And

15:45that's why they put her in. Like they gave her the option to tell on whoever her boss was. Yeah. She was like, "Um, you. I'll do time." So, she was in the pokey for 6 months, I think. And she was like knitting sweaters for the guards and And she was my grandma. I mean, she was a full-on grandma at the time. She would make spaghetti. She'd make homemade pasta. Oh my god, it was incredible, dude. There's chapter one of your memoir right there. Her homemade pasta was incredible. It was incredible. Oh, it was so good. Like, you would never have anything like it cuz it was so like old country, hardy. I mean, she always made her own pasta. Was she first generation from Italy? Yes, first generation. What was her last name? Derando. Well, that was my grandfather's last name. Her last name was Spamone, I believe it was. Damn. Spamone D'Angelo. They were They were straight off the boat. They both

16:33came here as children. Hey, let me throw a little something in the gagoo. I might have that name up. Can't remember that side of my family. I don't really have that much contact with them. But um my grandmother, she had uh an aneurysm. They gave her 72 hours to live and she lived for 12 years. My grandfather took care of her. She was a mess, man. Oh, she got dementia from it. She was just gone. She was paralyzed. She couldn't move. Really? My grandfather had to totally take care of her for 12 years. She was 12 years. My grandfather had to take care of every single thing she did. He had to wipe her. He had to clean her. He had to take care of her bed sores. Couldn't move. Barely make noises and stuff. And sometimes she could get out a lucid brutal. Oh dude, you don't know. So I I lived with them for a while. When I moved from Boston to New York, when I got signed by Susman and uh I got a

17:23manager, I was like, "Oh my god, I got to move to New York." I couldn't afford anything. I definitely couldn't afford to live anywhere. And so my grandfather said that I could stay with them for a while. And so in New York in Newark on North 9inth Street. It's the the like it's a bad neighborhood. Like my grandparents lived in a bad neighborhood. Yeah. They it was a good neighborhood at one point in time. It was an all Italian neighborhood. And then they did a thing called blockbusting where they'd move in and say, "Hey, um, black people are moving into your neighborhood. You have to sell now or you're going to lose all your money." Right? So people would just sell their houses left and right. And everybody moved down. Then it became a black neighborhood. But my grandfather was like, "I like black people. Who gives a Get off my lawn." It's like, it was his house. He was never

18:02getting rid of that house. And my grandmother had this aneurysm. And she lived and she lived in agony. And so when I was staying with them, when I was when I moved to New York and I didn't have an apartment for three months, I stayed with them. And she would just moan, make these horrible moans, and I'd be like, "God damn, man. You realize what it's like when your body fails you and you're still alive for years and years?" It was awful. Dude, my threshold for pull the plug is really, really high. No, low. It's low. Yeah. If I get anywhere near that state, take me out. You know who just died? The angel of death. Remember that guy? He he worked in a nursing home and he killed 37 people over like three decades. I do. And he would people that like your grandmother that were suffering, he would just take them out. I wonder if people knew when they started bringing them into that place. I

18:53would. Well, the question is like did he do it to people that weren't going to die? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. For a goof. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't know if it was a goof. I think in his mind he was doing it for a good reason. The angel in, you know, he was an angel, which I could see. I had my friend Johnny come visit me. He came visit me in New Jersey and we're hanging out with my grandfather just sitting around talking to him. Old lenolium floor, you know, the whole those old school houses. Smells like boiled potatoes. It was salami hanging around all over the place. Like the whole deal. Always bought fresh bread every day. Walked down to the bakery, got the bread, came back, was like as Italian as it gets. And while we're hanging out there, my grandmother's just moaning in the other room. And my grand my friend Johnny was like, "Holy shit." I was like, "I told

19:38you." He's like, "Dude, that's negative." That's what he say to me. He was like, "Dude, that's so negative." It is. It's like the opposite of a sound machine that cheers you up. Well, that's what he was. He was he was my friend Johnny was brilliant. Brilliant guy. Just in a weird crazy way. But um he he was like, "Dude, you don't want to be around that. Like this is negative for you. Like you can't fix it. Can't fix it. You got to get out of here, right?" And I was like, "You're right. Your grandfather must have been psyched that you were staying there for a little while." He was for a while, you know? He he liked it. He's he was a great guy. He was just such a sweet guy. Uh he the big thing around the family was always like there was pride that he worked in a machine shop that made a part for the nuclear bomb and everybody would say you know you know what grandpa does right what

20:31grandpa did he made something he worked in some he was like a foreman after a while he worked in some sort of machine shop you know what he does he kills jabs that's what he does three times they used his part boom boom boom Boom. Yeah, that was like the thing people would talk about. Wait, was it three times or two bombs? Two. Two bombs. Two. Yeah. It was like a big source of pride, you know. Yeah. I remember when I was a kid, I was like, "Wow, that's awesome. Pretty cool." Do you know that I was in uh St. Was it St. Louis? No. Where I forget where in Missouri um Truman is buried, but they've got a his his library, like his museum, and there's a monument to the bomb out front. Jesus Christ. Like all right, like this guy had the balls. We played um Oenheimer in the last podcast with Sam Harris for Dan Harris from ABC News. He had never heard that Oenheimer quote when he quotes the

21:29Bavat Gita after the bomb went off. What did he say? He says, "Behold, I am become death, destroyer of worlds." It's so creepy. When you hear Oppenheimer say it, I play it, but we played it in the last podcast and people be like, "What the Rogan?" I'll play it for you after it's over, though. It's creepy because you see his face like this is the guy that made the bomb. Yeah. And that's his reaction to read some Sanskrit Bavat Gita quote about Vishnu. Yeah. So where did that come from? Because usually it's like the Christian the Christians that believe in the uh the second coming are into that kind of But that eastern I I don't think of eastern religion as being like that. Well, he was um Oenheimer was a phenomenally intelligent guy. He was they microscopes or something. He created the nuclear bomb. I don't know what he did before that, but he was one of the main

22:18people. There's a team of people, obviously, the Manhattan Project, but um he he was uh just a a super genius guy that Sam Harris was saying, we need to double check if that's true, but Sam Harris was saying in the last podcast that he taught himself Sanskrit in three months. Or was it Dan Harris that said that? I don't remember who said that. Jesus. But that's how that's how like what you were talking about earlier about energy, focus, and energy. Think about how stupid we are compared to that dude. There's different There's levels to this thing, you know? Like Carl Malone is always going to be better at basketball than you and me. There's just no there's no matter what we did, you got to want it more, Fitz Simmons. Uh-uh. Yeah. This This is not fair. He's a 7 foot super athlete. It's just It's not fair. I know. It's like when I'm around people that have perfect

23:03memories, I feel so less than. And I have to remind myself that's just the machine that this dude was given. Yeah. You know, like I talked like Patton Oswald or somebody. He'll be on stage riffing if goes from a Tom Waits lyric into like a movie reference of Judy Garland quote from the 1940 and you're just sitting there going like I have to look at a list to remember my act every night. Yeah. Patton's He's a genius. Very The thing about Pat that's amazing is not only does he have this photographic memory, but he distills thoughts in a very unique way. like when he puts up I don't read many people's uh Twitters, but I read his and it's like it's always on point and it's always different than what anybody else is thinking. Did you see the tweet that he made? He made like the best tweet. Um What was What was it about? I got to remember this. And he's also got

23:59limitless energy. Yeah, it was about someone showing up at someone's doors stop to Oh, it was about Jamie Kilstein. It was about Jamie Kilstein showing up at Milo Yiannopoulos's house and cue the theme music to the Odd Couple like he's he's got kicked out of his uh his podcast. It's just his sense of humor, man. He his his premises he'll take premises that I would have abandoned long ago and turn them into genius bits and stretch them out. Yeah. Like I hear some of his stuff I go, "Wow, I just need to like focus on topics more sometimes instead of just looking for a strong topic." Like any topic can be strong if you do it the right way. And he figured, yeah, have you ever heard his bit he does about uh taking his daughter to a Starbucks after she had seen The Lion King? No. And there's a black guy, an old old black guy with white hair. And the daughter yells out, "Daddy, it's a monkey."

24:58And this is the way he describes the place. It's a a coffee shop in Silver Lake. And he said he said you could barely hear the Norah Jones album over the sound of people's eyes rolling. It's such a good bit. It's so well written. Like it's a really funny bit about him like just running out of there with his daughter and Jesus #ra racist. It's really funny. But that's, you know, he's just But writing jokes, I've been I've been in a little bit of a slump lately. I think mostly because I'm putting another hour together. So I've just been focused on like taking the last two or three years material, transitioning it, tightening it up. And so I haven't been writing new stuff. And then when I go back to writing new stuff, I'm like, how does comedy work again? Yeah. I think it's a copout that we do when we're working on stuff that we don't do new stuff. We don't write

25:53new stuff. Yeah. You lose that muscle, whatever the that weird muscle is. I just forget like when you really I mean, if you really want to get into joke writing, breaking it down, it's like what you said, do you take the lowhanging fruit, you know, that there's always that thing that happens, you know? There's that moment where you go, "Oh, that's a joke." You know, like I I this bit about my uh I'm driving home. My wife uh te my wife text me, "What time are you gonna be home?" So I write six o'clock and she says, "Will you uh bring home some eggs?" So I wrote, "Sure." And then I wrote, "What are you wearing?" And then I got a text back, "My cleats and my soccer uniform." And I realized my wife is driving. Son has her phone. And then I got a text right after that. Why? What are you wearing? And I was just like, "All right, I don't have to write anything there." Right.

26:41There's a perfect bit. It is a funny bit. And then I realized like I didn't take that. I've been doing that bit for a year and I haven't pushed it. And like Bill Burr saw me do a bit one night and he's like, "Dude, what are you doing? You got you got a unbelievable premise, eh? You got a he he like riffs like five other beats to the bit that I do now. and you just realize like, yeah, I'm not I'm not pushing it as far as I can push it. Do you think that's an energy thing like what you were talking about before? I think it's a confidence thing. I think it's having the confidence to say there's more to this. I'm capable of getting more out of this instead of just going like, "Okay, now let me quick get something else that's going to get an immediate laugh and jump topics." Right. Right. Right. Which is a hallmark of someone who's inexperienced or working

27:32on completely new stuff. Right. Right. Yeah, when someone's inexperienced, like when you watch open micers, it's like one of the biggest things that they do. And and also, conversely, is that the right way to use it? Uh Richard Jenny, who's like one of my all-time favorites at stretching out stuff. Dude, I've been telling people about this. I've been telling all these comics. Go download uh A Big Steaming Pile of Me. Yeah. A steaming pile of me or a big steaming pile of me. Whatever. Whatever the name of it is. It's Richard Jenny. One of Richard Jenny's last specials before he um unfortunately killed himself. But god damn is it good. Yeah. So good, dude. I was on the highway coming home from the store on the highway howling laughing at this special. And the only reason why I listen to it is you know that weird thing your phone does if you Bluetooth your phone to your car sometimes on my

28:21car it'll just start playing random songs. Oh, really? Just randomly. Like completely randomly. like it just it just starts playing like I don't even press play. I get in the car, I start the car and when I did it, there was a song. The song went off and then the next thing was a Richard Jenny bit and I was howling. It was so funny. It was so funny. And not only that, you're losing a lot of it because seeing that guy live, he glided around the stage. He physically because he was a little guy and so he appeared, you'd see him after a show and you'd be like, you're not the guy that the guy on stage was 6'1. Uh you're you're 5 foot seven. What happened to that other guy? Yeah. Well, he did uh that special with one of those MC Hammer earpieces. Those I'm a motivational speaker things. He had one of those on or something. He had either that or a lav mic, but he

29:11didn't have a mic in his hand, which I'm always like, what do you what are you transitioning away from being a standup and now you're like, what is that? Well, he really uses hands. I mean, for most people, you don't need that, but for him, it was like, you know, he explored physically space. He accentuated punchlines with movement. Yeah. And And I would watch him night after night sometimes. And if you if he was saying the word jello, his he would his weight would be on his left foot, his right finger would be in the air. It'd be the same way the next night. It was like a ballet. It was exact. He was, in my opinion, the best at taking a premise and just ringing all the funny out of it. And I remember watching him and one of the first things that I realized when I was watch cuz I I went to see him. I paid to see him before I ever did standup and um I remember thinking I actually

30:05sat in the front row. It was pretty badass at Catch Rising Star in Cambridge and I remember I saw also saw Meanie kill there. I saw Kevin. We were together that night. Oh my god. He I saw him crushed there a couple times, but I saw Me and he crushed so hard. I went with my friend Diane from high school. We were buddies and we went and it was like one of the few girlfriends that I had back then. We were just buddies and we she was like a really funny chick. And we went to see Kevin Meanie and he killed so hard that I walked out of there in pain. Like my sides were hurt. Like people don't know how hard Kevin Meanie used to kill. I would I would put him against in terms of being in the right room on the right night. Nobody killed as hard as Kevin Meanie. He would You couldn't kill harder. You couldn't kill harder because he went up in this character that was a

30:55complete departure. It was a silly guy who was joyous and who didn't give a what you thought. If a joke started bombing, he'd start singing. I don't care. I don't care. My jokes don't go over, I don't care. And then he'd start doing it like a dog. Woof woof woof. He'd be bombing. The crowd would not be laughing. And he would string that out for like three minutes until all of a sudden they just started laughing at this insane man who was sweating and flopping around on stage. Yeah. Well, when I saw him, there was no bombing at all. It was just destruction. It was when he had just done HBO and he was in that groove. Yeah. He was on fire, dude. It's hard to describe because so much is lost when you see a guy like that on a big stage or on television. You lose like being in the room with him. Absolutely. There was a hypnosis going on when he would crush.

31:47Yeah. So it was like him I I remember seeing him crush like that and going like god like the he was like so silly and it was so fun to get like caught up in his silly. Yeah. That was one thing that I saw, dude. And then closing with We Are the World, which took it to another level because ridiculous. They had some music and a funny song and impressions within the song. He kept that bit too long, though. That was way too long. No, that was his downfall. Yeah, that was a uh his downfall was he crushed for a decade, years, five years. Yeah, maybe it was only five years. And then he just wouldn't let go of the material off. Yeah. Well, he went national and he had the ethic that the guys in Boston had. That was the problem. The Boston guys, they didn't go national, but they all came up together and he was one of the top guys and they all came up doing the same act. They

32:37would tighten that act. They would hammer it down like a samurai sword and then they would they would go all around town with that same act. And they just did that. There was no social media. There was no one to complain. But I did have friends that would complain. They're like, "Jesus Christ, went to see Sweeney. Did the same goddamn act I saw last year." Yeah. Like that's gonna, you know, you're gonna get a few of those. Go see him this week. Yeah, probably. But Meanie that he up where Steven Wright didn't up. Yeah, Steven Wright left from that spot. Jay Leno left from that spot and they did new stuff all day. They wrote Yeah. Yeah. He just got stuck. It's crazy because I remember watching him not do well. And one time he had to go on in Miami after Joey Diaz and it was a disaster. Joey was yelling out punchlines in Spanish and he was talking about, you know, sucking his dick and

33:21all that. was sweating and people were going crazy. They were just they were just going crazy. Cuz Joey Diaz in Miami in the cocaine days, he would kill like you you've never se you never seen nothing like it before. There was no left in his brain and he was saying that was so ridiculous. He got all the out. They were gone. He didn't give a He get he had no to give and he's on stage talking about slinging dick and it's just it was it was so he was such a caricature and uh Kevin had a really hard time. Kevin had to go on after him and it was a disaster. It's just a disaster. Kevin w up leaving and yeah well he you know he had a lot of chapters to his life you know and then he he had a really hard time for a long time and then he then he ended up on Broadway doing great with John Panette in Hairspray. Yeah. And then that ended and uh and he came out of the closet while he was on Broadway.

34:15Yeah. Changed his life and he became a happier person. Lost weight. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. Yeah. Fascinating, man. Yeah. Fascinating different chapters of people's lives. But like who he was like when um you know when he went on after Joey Diaz in Miami should never be confused with who he was when I saw him in Boston. Like he had just he hit a stride and he wasn't able to maintain it. But you can never forget how good he was. Well, just YouTube is uh Tonight Show appearances cuz Carson loved him. Carson, they would cut away to Carson. He'd have his head on his desk pounding it with his fist, wiping tears. I mean, he he annihil and and it was just it was so big you couldn't follow it. And so he got his break with that show which was I blame his representation. He should have never done Uncle Buck. It was the wrong show for him. Yeah. And it and it was so high profile and he was so big

35:09that when it failed it really crushed him for a long time. Comics should just do stand up. Yeah. Whenever we do other it just winds up getting in the way, you know. Right. Right. Louis CK had a great statement the other night. He and I were talking backstage. He's about to go on. He said he doesn't do anything but stand up anymore. He said to be your best you have to do just stand up. He goes, "You could be really good and do other stuff, but like, you know, he's doing his TV show and all that jazz." He's like, "To to be your best, you have to just do standup." So, he's not going to do TV for a while. I don't know, man. I mean, he could do whatever the he wants. But one of the things he said, he's like, "I could be happy doing this forever." It's like, "God, it's inspiring." You mean getting on a private jet and going to shows that are sold out because you sent out one

35:55tweet? Yeah, I think I could be happy. He doesn't even tweet anymore. He deleted his Twitter. I think the club all the theater just tweet like you know ticket master sends out a tweet and it sells out. But how smart is that that he recognizes he's at that stage and just steps away from but it also takes I mean you have to have like I think some people need to spin a lot of plates like I I can't just do standup because I start to it's not so much bored but I just feel like I got to do other I get claustrophobic. Yeah. And I just I need to go like I like right now I'm writing on a show and I'm loving it and I'm taking Yeah, you're right on Pete show. Right on Pete Home show. Correct. Just talking about it before. Pete Holmes is such a good guy. He's a good dude. He is and he's um you know such a nice guy. Like he's good in the room too. I mean we're coming up with

36:41show ideas and like you know there's like seven or eight writers pitching and they're all talented writers. Um and then he'll just go like um he has the best way of saying no. It's very hard to write a room to run a room and not make people feel like they're not heard or they're being rejected, right? And he's got this energy that's just like, "Yeah, that's funny." And what if we did this? And you sort of like he moves on in a way that, you know, the idea is not getting used, but it might have triggered something else in him. And we end up with these episodes that are just linear and they're they're things that he's signed off on. A lot of times you get somebody running a writer's room and they they get codependent so they'll put in the script that they don't even believe in. And between him and Jud, Jud's in the room a lot between the two of them in the room. We got we got episodes

37:30locked down already. That's awesome. Yeah, there is that weird dynamic between showrunners and and comics and actors and yeah, it's such a struggle that everyone gets wants to get their greasy fingers on it, especially in the beginning, like the beginning of a show's creation. Like once you get to like some Simpsons level where it's just like it's just a smooth machine, it just they know what the to do. Leave them alone. Leave them alone. Stay away from the South Park guys. Just get the out of the way, you know? Don't don't get your greasy fingers in it. But if it's a brand new show, people and also being an HBO show, they just give you the keys. They go, "All right, do it. Lock up when you're done. There's no there's no I mean, I wasn't there the first season, but I heard there was very little notes from HBO. That's what Netflix is kind of doing, too." Yeah.

38:14Netflix doesn't have any notes. That's why the shows are good. Yeah. I mean, look at look at these network multi- camera sitcoms. It's like, do you ever see the clip where they uh take the laugh track out of Big Bang Theory? I have seen that. Terrific, dude. But you know what that is? That's pickups. A lot of it. What do you mean? You know what pickups are? kind of like you shoot a scene and then they have to uh they change a line or they want to do something different and they do pickups when the audience this was an episode of Big Bang Theory that aired and then they sucked out the laugh track. Oh, so you're seeing these negative definitely you're seeing silence where normally you would be laughing in theory if it was funny, right? But they just insert laughs and so I guess people at home laugh at the same time because they're triggered to. Well, it's might be very

39:01Yeah, it's a soundtrack probably a laugh track rather. The laugh track is is Yeah, it's like some kind of a We did shows I think there where they did we didn't even have an audience and they just they did a laugh track on news radio. Yeah. Oh yeah, you guys did it. We did a couple shows that were like completely ridiculous. I can't remember if they used a laugh track or if they showed it to people. I think in some of them they showed it to people. I feel like in at least one or two scenes we might have had a laugh track, but we did a few episodes that were like super bizarre. Like one of them was in space. So the whole episode took place in space. Like just news radio and space suit. No explanation whatsoever. I had a space suit on. Like the whole thing's ridiculous. And uh that was that deep into like season 6, I think. I don't remember what season. We only did

39:41five seasons, but another one we did a Titanic episode. We would do one ridiculous episode every now and again. In the Titanic episode, we literally had to fill the setup with water. So in the Titanic episode, I'm like sloshing through water up to my waist. It's freezing. The water's cold, man. Cuz like you think of water that you climb into, like unless you're outside and this is a summer and it's 100 degrees out, the water's going to be cold and you can only stand in it for so long before you start shivering. So you're walking through the they they turn a set into a swimming pool. It was so ridiculous. That's hilarious. Paul Sim was a genius. Yeah. He was just a mad man. You know what we should do one night, just as an experiment, is set up a couple speakers in the back of the room at the comedy store and do a laugh track during our set and see if it makes the audience

40:30just go into a frenzy. I bet it would. You think they wouldn't know something's a miss? That would be what would really be funny. You write a bunch of that's purposely not funny, right? And have some ridiculous soundtrack, see how people react to that. That would be that would be a fascinating experience experiment rather if you uh you did something like super offensive. Yeah. You know, you talked about something like super super offensive. Yeah. And you did it all under hidden cameras and you just see if people laughed at something that's like really up and then interview them after the show. Why were you laughing at that? You know, like isn't that like always supposed to be the knock on Like when people talk about rape culture, they're always supposed to say that, you know, some guy's on stage and he's talking about rape and everybody's cheering and laughing. Like that

41:14never happens. Yeah, that never happens. Like if you go on stage and you have a joke about rape, godamn that joke better be funny. It better be so goddamn funny. If you're going to pull off a rape joke, Yeah. Are you saying people clapping on the wrong side of it? What I'm saying is do a joke that is purposely offensive, like really bad, but do it on purpose. Let everybody know. Don't let the audience know. Play do it in front of the audience and have a ridiculous soundtrack in the back of the room that just roars laughter and have people around going, "What the This guy's just talking about raping kids." And have cameras set up to capture the audience's reaction and then put it on the put it on YouTube and then interview them afterwards. Yeah. Ask them like if they sign a release. They'd have to sign a release. What were you thinking? How could you go like

42:00were you freaking out that people were laughing? Like I don't know. I just started laughing. Yeah. Good. I was compelled. Everyone else is laughing. That's what happens, right? People are laughing. They're around you. You start laughing more. Oh, yeah. I mean, that is that's part of the reason why a club is so good cuz they're all like jammed in together like that. Yeah. No, it's a weird It's a very weird phenomenon when cuz there's always the guy that goes, "I should be a comedian because at my office everybody tells me I'm like the funniest guy." And it's like, well, then you know what? you'd probably be a good comedian because it's easier on stage in a way. If it's a good crowd and you go up there, you've got a hundred people facing you drinking that here's the here's the drill. You pay you pay money and you laugh. Yeah. Not you might cry, you might whatever. No, there's an

42:48agenda. You're going to laugh, right? So, if you get up there and you do things that are in the realm of funny, you're going to get the benefit of the doubt more so than if you walked onto a subway platform and started telling a bunch of rush hour commuters the same material. Yeah. Or your friends that don't want to hear you talk over them. The worst thing is watching one guy go on a rant that might be funny and the other guy starts talking over it and you're like, "Oh no." Yeah. You know that what that guy's going through right now, the ranter when he's like in the groove and the other guy's like, "I got some funny to say, too." And just shits on his rant. When you see guys at a bar and they one guy just starts talking over the other guy and Yeah. they they lift on their toes and get louder and louder. Yeah. Cuz there's a chick there and they're trying to score.

43:41That's the worst. Did you ever have a friend that would insult you when girls were around? Oh yeah. I had a friend knock me down once with a punch. Well, there was an ice there was a lake near my house growing up and we used to skate there. It was unbelievable. I grew up in Tartown, New York, and we had this reservoir that actually feeds New York City. It's like the main reservoir for the water, drinking water in New York City. And so, um, it would freeze in the winter and then they had this shack, this big wooden shack, twice the size of this room. And it had benches and it had a little snack bar, hot chocolate and hot dogs. Oh, nice. Then you go outside and there's like a wooden wooden steps going down into the lake with telephone poles. They put this big lake. telephone poles around half the circumference of the the uh the perimeter of the lake with spotlights

44:30and radio speakers and they would crank pop music and you'd go out there until 11:00 at night. We'd hide six-packs in the snow on the banks of the of the lake. We'd go out there, we're in seventh and eighth grade drinking a couple beers, hitting on chicks. And so I'm out there one night and then during the day we play hockey all day. They had metal nets they would put out and they would use a plow to to plow the snow to make rinks out of the snow on the ice. Wa! It was insane. And this was before global warming. That froze by Christmas and we were skating in March every year. March. Well, early March. How do you know when to stop? Well, it's 3 feet thick. But how do you know when it's not 3 ft? They they tell you the town tests it. It's all there's a big there's another shack on top of the hill where they have spotters. There's guys that are r, you know, guys

45:24skating with jackets that are the rink guys. And um so so anyway, I'm there and I'm talking to this chick from the next town over. Selin was her name. I remember this deep voice, brown eyes, real Italian girl. That was my type. Little plump Italian. And I'm talking to her and uh all of a sudden I get knocked down. This kid Chris Spencer had skated towards me and just checked me. Just and I fell down, hit my head, couldn't get up for a little bit and I was like, "What the?" And my friends were laughing. I was like, "What the was And Chris was like trying to break into our little circle of friends. And he was this big dude and he lifted weights. And uh that was his way of like getting into the group was to knock me down while I was talking to Sin. And uh I tried to fight him later after when I had my my sneakers on and thankfully somebody broke it up. He would have killed me. But um cut to

46:24Oh, and Seline liked me at the time. Cut to uh what was it? uh Halloween the following year. We're running around and somebody sprayed shaving cream in my eyes and so I chased him down and it was somebody dressed as a bum. Knock him down, sitting on top of him, punching him in the face. People start grabbing me, screaming, "Dude, it's a girl." So I run away. Turns out it was Oh no. And guess what? Guess who had a bigger crush on me now? Her. Yeah. after you beat her ass. Tell me about her childhood. Whoa. Really? Yep. So, what happened? Did you have to apologize? Uh, no. I She was in the next town, so I didn't really I just ducked out of seeing her. How many times you hit her? I think a few times. She's a girl. Jesus Christ. You know, she couldn't Why did she spray you in the face? Did she know it was you? No. We used to all run around with we would take shaving cream

47:24and we put aerosol tops on a shave on a barbasol can and then we'd spray each other. You know when you came home you were covered. You were a snowman when you came home and we'd have eggs and we'd slap each other in the forehead with an egg and we'd run around. There's always one who had nare and then you'd have to go home early cuz he sprayed nare on your head. So she she sprayed shaving cream in my eyes. I couldn't see that well. Wow. And I uh knocked her around a little bit. Wow. Yeah. My first domestic abuse charge. I heard a girl punch me in the bus once. Really? Yeah. It was like a weird thing, man. Um when I was 14, I got on the bus for uh for the 13-year-olds, like the junior high school bus. And there was this guy who actually became a buddy of mine later. He was young back then, Mugsy Malone. And uh Shut the up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He was a tiny little dude at the

48:21time. He was I think he's two years younger than me. And anyway, some girl was mad at me for something. I don't remember what happened, but she started throwing punches at me. And I'm like, "What the fuck?" And I I block her punches and then I I I looked down and the dude was like right behind her and he said something to someone else said something to him and he looked at me. He goes, "Yeah, I ain't afraid of you either." And I was like, "All right." I'm like, "Just what the ever, man." And it's like, can I fight this girl before I fight you, Mosie? Well, it's I just up. I I was new to the town and I don't know what happened. What she was mad at me for, but I remember blocking punches by some girls trying to beat my ass. Like, what the are you doing? And this little dude mad at me, too. But Mugsy, was he wearing a little newsy cap? No. Was he from the 1940s? I'm super lucky I never

49:08hit that girl back cuz it turned out she wound up dating my friend Mark, who was the captain of the wrestling team, like afterwards, like after this. And he would have killed me. He was an animal. And he was a couple of years older than us. Like I was 14, he was 17. Like he was a senior and he was like one of the best wrestlers in the state. He was an animal. He used to smoke cigarettes in between wrestling practice. He would be in wrestling practice and that girl that tried to beat my ass, she would she would open up the door and he would go outside and like was winter time out and he would like take a couple of drags of a cigarette. Really? Yeah. Yeah. while he was wrestling like at a really high level, he was smoking cigarettes. He was like a a thug slashete. Interesting. Like a legitimate bad Like an animal. He was an animal wrestler. Made me realize like

50:00real early on like wrestling practice made me realize like how hard some people work out. I had no idea how hard some people work out. Yeah. Cuz I had taken like karate classes before and I had played baseball, but I never did anything like wrestling. Yeah. In my first days of wrestling class, I remember thinking, "What the Like, you guys work this hard? We have to go upstairs. We have to carry someone on our back and climb up stadium stairs. What the are you talking about?" Yeah. Like, why? What? We're doing what? We're doing endless drills. We're firemen carrying each other back and forth across the gym, racing each other, and constant live drills with wrestling. I would leave there. I could barely walk. I was so tired. I I didn't I didn't do any homework while I was wrestling. Yeah. Then I just wind up doing no homework ever. That's true. With wrestling, you it really up

50:45your grades. You come home annihilated. Annihilated. You're hungry as Just want to sleep. And then did you have to try to lose weight from for uh meats? I did, but I I wound up stopping doing it because my friend Steven was wrestling at 128 pounds and he was a better wrestler than me. So I went up to 134, which is basically like what I weighed when I was 14. So or 15, whatever I was. So it was pretty easy. I didn't have to cut any weight at all. But then I cut weight for taekwond do when I stopped wrestling and then I started fighting in taekwondo. I cut a lot of weight up until I was 17. And then when I was 17, I was still trying to make 140 lbs. But I'd be walking around at like 150 something and I would just starve myself and dehydrate myself. It was terrible. Really with my performance. Yeah. And then I stopped doing it. I went up to 154. And when I went up to 154, I

51:33became way better. I just that was when I got better. Like I was holding myself back by the dieting. And I think that that's a big factor with wrestlers. But one thing with wrestlers is that their mental toughness because of that weight cutting, it's almost worth it because the mental it's super bad for your health to cut a lot of weight. But those guys who can do it and still compete, they have the ability to push through discomfort and just have a drive to win that very few sports can match because very few sports where will the athlete compete in a state of like uncomfort as much as wrestlers do. who they're just dieting, starving themselves, dehydrating themselves, and still going out there like savages. So, it's a just a a different kind of sport, man. Different kind of sport. But anyway, that girl basically beat my ass. I mean, she didn't really beat my ass,

52:22but part of me she was younger than you, too. I think she was my age. Yeah, she was on the bus, too. She was like taking the bus back. But I was thinking, I better not punch this girl. And oh my god, I'm so glad I didn't. I got smacked by a gay kid in eighth grade. Oh you got pimp slapped. I got pinched. This this black kid, Keith, he was really effeminite and so we used to tease him. Yeah, I'm not proud of it, but like at that age, you just kind of did. It was like, you know, I'm embarrassed by it. Like we, you know, I used to whatever, you know, your wrist and say And he turned around and smacked me across the face and I and he and he stunned me. I was like, "Holy shit." And uh I didn't know what to do because he was he was part of a family. There was there was projects in Tartown and there were cousins and there were families that had a lot of cousins and his his cousins were some

53:13badass the Davises. Oh no. And so uh this isn't to say I necessarily would have hit him after that for a number of reasons. One of which I was not that tough. I was pretty tough with girls on Halloween. But um but I think I was just so shocked. Did you know that you deserved it? Do do you have a feeling I deserve I got hit a lot as a kid and I deserved it most of the time. I got punched in the face in Time Square when I was about 14 drinking Southern Comfort. I walked past some guy who was like some homeless drug addict who was like coughing up a lugie. And so I started coughing really hard too, making fun of him. He came back and punched me right in the face. Whoa. You don't want to get beat up by a junkie when you're a teenager. Not in the days of AIDS. Oh, that's right. It was could have been an AIDSy punch. No, I used to get smacked around. I was I was such a I was such a wise ass

54:05because I was the smallest kid. So that was how I fit in. I was the funny guy who made fun of everybody. I would pick fights because then my friends would would fight the fights. I was that guy. Well, certain things that kids like when they're growing up, and one of the big ones is things happening. We like action. Yeah. We like something happening. And if Fitzy's going to go with that guy and we're going to kick his ass like cuz we're bored. We had no internet. We had no phones. We stood on a street corner for 5 hours. That was Saturday night. My friend Kenny would just start fights with people. He would just go find someone like at a bus stop and just start beating his ass. No He was, "Come on, we're fighting." Yeah, he was crazy. Crazy. Yeah. I watched him fight. Watch him get his ass kicked. He did it once with this guy and the guy knew how to fight. Guy was beating his ass. Good.

54:55Yeah. He's just crazy. What's the kid's name? Kenny. What was his deal? He's just nuts. He was older than us. He's like one one or two years older than us. Big guy. Nope. Nope. Not particularly big. Just tough as nails. He had a boxing tattoo in his arm. Like I think he had a Tasmanian devil with boxing gloves on, but he didn't really box. Yeah. Just one of those things. Like never made it to an actual gym like maybe a couple of times. Yeah. But would just start fights and wasn't really that good at it. Yeah. It was He was just crazy. He just he was crazy and he wanted to fight. And he realized that with his limited mentality and view of the world that the most fun that he had was when he was fighting. So he's like, "Well, that means we fight." And so he just would want to fight all the time. Like one time my dog got hit by a car. It was really sad, man. I

55:40lived on a busy street and my my dog I opened the door and she got super excited to go for a walk and she I didn't have her on a leash and she ran out into the street. I just didn't anticipate her running. She was usually pretty good about it. and she ran out and she got nailed by a car. Jesus, it was so sad. She died right in front of me. I carried her back into the house and she she herself. Like that's when I knew something I didn't I still didn't know something was wrong, but looking back I would have known. She just all over the the kitchen. And I was like, I can't believe she herself. Like what? Like why? She never shits in the house. And um then she just slowly slipped away. Just lied down and um just stopped breathing, man. Just bled. Bled from the inside. Internal bleeding. She got hit by a Volkswagen bug name. What kind of dog? She was a mix. She was boxer and I think

56:30she had some German Shepherd in her, too. Sweet dog. Sad man. It was sad It was a real bummer, man. It was a real bummer. But anyway, uh I told Kenny I'd never had it. I mean, I'd had dogs die. We had a dog that we adopted that had distemper. when w up having to put it to sleep, started going crazy. It was an adult dog, not adult, but it was over a year old and uh it was a Doberman and it just started barking at us and snarling its its teeth and it just started losing its mind. And we got it to calm down enough we get a leash on it, brought it to a vet, and the vet said it had this tempeer. We had to put it down. So, I'd had that happen before, but I'd never never seen a dog die in front of me. This is sad So, I I tell Kenny, he's like, "We're fighting. That's it. Come on out. We're fighting Rogan. You're fighting. No excuses tonight. And we drove around and

57:25he like wanted me to pick fights with people. I'm like, "Dude, I'm not fighting anybody." Oh, cuz that's the way he would deal with his emotions. Mhm. Yeah. Pretty sure. Sadness, fight, anger, fight. Looking for excitement, fight. It's And then it's also there's a thing about um young guys where young guys always want to be the crazy one. Like, oh, Mike's the craziest. Mike's crazy. Mike doesn't give a And it becomes like a social status among young especially, we were talking about this before the podcast. Everybody our age was like a latch key kid. Everybody our age had a mom and a dad that worked and they opened the door in the morning and you were off to the races. You went to school after school. They weren't home for hours, right? You did a bunch of by yourself. And most of the time we're around other savages our age. So it's the abstract influence of the

58:12parents on the children that is really like giving you your experience for who you are as a young person. You're you're you're experiencing how these people taught their kids and what the result was cuz you're around the kids all the time. You're not around your your parents. No, they say that you're raised by your peers after about the age of 12. You're basically your parents are out. Yeah. You're raised by your peers. Yeah. You're constantly with your friends in school. You're constantly with your friends in any activities you have. for their validation instead of your parents validation. Exactly. And with my friends, it was always who's the sick as Oh, Mike's a sick you know? Oh, Steve's the sick as He doesn't give a He's crazy. And there was like a value in that because everybody was scared. That was really at the bottom line of it. We're all young men

58:57and we're on our way to becoming adults and no one knows what the they're going to do. We have a few friends that have graduated high school and they're losers now. And like, that might be me. Like, there was the big cloud that was always hanging over everybody's head. What are you doing after high school? What are you doing after high school? And it was like this impending date of doom that was coming up. So everybody was scared all the time. Yeah. And everybody wanted to be they wanted to be a man. Everybody they wanted to prove themselves. They wanted to be something special. And no one felt special. You know, everybody felt like a loser. You know, we're all like waiting waiting to become an adult so you could get a job like all these other people you knew that were around you or escape or figure out a way to escape. Yeah. And then there's always the

59:36community college like people go well you know I'll probably end up when you hear I'll probably end up at the community college that's going to be one semester and out. I did that I went to Mass Bay Mass Bay Community College. I did it after a whole year. I took a whole year off and I just I only went back to school because I didn't want people thinking I was a loser. So I did like maybe one semester at Mass Bay. I don't even think I finished a semester and then I left and went to UMass. UMass Boston had this like adult education program where you didn't have to have a GED or a um not GAD SAT because I never took my SATs. So when I graduated from high school, I'm like I am never going to school again. Like this. But I got so tired of feeling like a loser. Like when I tell people I was take I would always say I was taking a year off. Taking a year off. But it

60:19really I just had no direction. All I was doing was like doing martial arts and competing. And I just was so terrified of what the the future lead. And so I went to UMass for like three years but not like three full years. It was like there was still a lot of uh credits to to be acquired if I was going to graduate. And I just was wasting my time. I was barely paying attention. I wasn't doing I was completely halfassing whatever project we had. And then I was realizing like what am I why am I wasting my time? Yeah. And then uh I got some letter saying that I I couldn't come back um with the grades that I had unless I came up with some very compelling reason. So they wanted me to make an argument for why they should include me back in the class. And I wrote out in handwritten because back then no one had a typewriter. this total letter. This ridiculous like uh persuasive

61:14bullshitty letter about how important education is to me and how important like how important it means and and then I realized like the amount of effort that I put writing this letter to keep these people from kicking me out of their school which I wasn't paying attention to far exceeds any effort that I ever put on any project ever in class. Yeah. And then I realized, okay, whatever I'm going to do with my life, it's not going to involve doing this. It's not going to involve someone else dictating my schedule, like for whatever reason. And you're like, clearly I can write. Yeah. Clearly I can clearly think, maybe comedy. Yeah. Well, I had a conversation with um a science teacher, this science teacher, um and it was the same kind of thing. I I I mocked him in class, not necessarily mocked him, but I brought up something that was contrary to what he was teaching. He was talking

62:03about uh Lake Erie being a dead lake. And I said, "Listen, man. They had a documentary on PBS last night about Lake Erie making a resurgence and these scientists have figured out these new ways to minimize water pollution and all this shit." And like other kids are looking at me like, "What the fuck?" And he got pissed at me. He got really pissed at me and he said, "You're undermining my class and this and that." I go, "Hey man, you're teaching old shit." Yeah. Are you teaching? This is on TV, man. This is on TV like yesterday. Yeah. And um I had a conversation with him afterwards and um because I had to talk to him in order to get back in the class. He kicked me out of the class and he said two things. He said one he said first of all um I don't know whether or not that was the case whether or not it's true and if I allow you to just interrupt my class and chime

62:49in something like that and it's not true. I haven't fact checked it. You're telling the whole class and I don't know if you're right or you're wrong or you're making things up but you're interrupting my class. That's the point. If you have something to tell me about it, maybe you can tell me about it after the class and then I can go and look it up and then maybe I can correct the class. He goes, but two, in interrupting the class, you showed yourself to be more articulate and more intelligent than you ever showed ever in the entire semester. So, you're totally halfassing everything you do. Like your writing, everything paper you turn in, every test you do, every time I call upon you for a question, totally half halfass that. But when you wanted to correct me on something, all of a sudden you knew all the words. You knew how to form the sentence correctly. You knew how to say

63:31it with the right impact. He's like, you just you just your focus is off. I was like, god damn, that dude's on the money. And I realized I'm like, yeah, so I'm not stupid, right? I just can't I can't listen. I can't do it their way. I got to do it my way, right? But I could. I just didn't. I grew up not having any direction. So someone doesn't tell you what to do all your life. Like essentially, you just out free. I would go fishing. I'd hang out with my friends in the woods. We just go find to do. And then all a sudden you're in school and they're telling you everything you have to do all day. Like I'm not ready for that. I'm not. Not only that, like you're sitting at I I'm shocked when my kid tells me about it. I go, "What was your schedule today?" Well, you know, at 8:15 we sat down for uh 15 minutes for home room. Then at 8:30, I go to my first class,

64:16which is an hour and 15 minutes. Then we get five minutes off and we go to another class that's 2 hours. They got these long class and it goes like that till 3:00. They get like they get like 25 minutes for lunch and they're sitting be boys with chemicals racing through their bodies and girls at the next desk with short shorts and cleavage and little brown titties sticking up. You know when the breeze hits them and they get a little bit of goosebumps on the inside of the cleavage and that cross Jesus is just wedged right in between those two brown fire or the Italian horn. The Italian and it's got glitter on it. You remember the people who wore the Italian horn? Oh my god. How about charm bracelets? Charm bracelets. The flipflops. Her little toes. She just painted them. Oo, the toes. Very important. The girl doesn't take care of her toes. No. Can't trust her with her Oh, yeah. Show me.

65:13Sorry, ladies. I hate to do this on equal payday. So rude. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, you're going into the salon. You're going to get you're going to get your nails done after you get your cooch done. Wow. Very important for Greg Simmons. Yeah. Yeah. Would the idea of letting those kids get trapped in that system where all day you're just doing that and then you get out listening passively and then you get out and you have more work to do at home that just sort of eliminated any social life you might have, right? You would think that that would be enough that going to school from 7:00 to 3 every day or whatever. It's a goddamn 8 hour job. It's almost like an eight hour job and then you have where you're really working. The average 8 hour job you're checking your email half that time. The average person that's working is at a cubicle. I talk to people at shows. I

66:03listen to your podcast all the time. When at work, what do you do? You know, I work in an office. Insurance. Shouldn't you be selling insurance? Ah, you know, I listen to Rogan's podcast every day. That's 3 hours. Yeah, you know, they're barely working. Nobody works. Nobody's working. Especially if you have any any sort of gig with any flexibility. Like, you can just be on your own. Yeah. Like, you're on your own. You can get it done in a couple hours. Most You go to Europe and a lot of business models are it's a shorter workday. It's a longer lunch, more vacations. They get the same done. You shouldn't have four five days a week either. It should be four. Yeah, four is good. Three days off is good. When Jamie and I do podcasts, we do more than four days. I'm like, "What are we doing? Working?" Like, we'll come in on the fifth day. I'm like, "Jesus, Jamie, what

66:52are we working?" Yeah. Even if it's like a fight companion. I'm like, "Look at us. We're here again." Back back in the office and this is the greatest job of all time. Imagine if you're selling insurance, you know, or Hyundai. We're really coming down on insurance salesman. I don't know why. See, it's a hack premise. It's easy to chip on. Well, insurance is an interesting gig because if you're on the side where you're writing policies and you're coming up with the numbers on like cuz I remember when I was at Boston University, there was a guy at the in the in the administration that had figured out the insurance policies. You can take out insurance policies on every student in the university, pay for them, and then the policies would pay back to Boston University if you died. They were life insurance policies cuz this guy looked at the numbers and he crunched them and he

67:40goes, "You know what? This is a great deal. You know what? These kids die more often than the insurance company thinks." So, they literally took out insurance policies on 30,000 kids. That's insane. Payable back to the university. And there was a big blow up in the newspaper about it. I was making jokes, but I was like, "Yeah, I was wondering why they took all the traffic lights down on Commonwealth Avenue." How crazy are they? get money when you died. What a bunch of That's what people used to do when there was no internet. Get away with doing like that and no one knew about it for years. That's right. Yeah. They probably didn't know about it forever. Somebody had to probably blow the whistle. Well, there was a good student newspaper in Boston at BU. BU had a great paper. It was one of the best ones in the country and they they cracked the case and they also led we were very

68:29political. We uh protested against aparthide and um then they wouldn't allow they wouldn't allow opposite sex students to sleep in the in somebody's room if they had a no overnight policy at BEu like in 1989 really. So there was protests about that which is also really weird because what about gay people? Oo right. They could just bang it up. They can bang they guys can literally each other in the ass. No problem. No problem. Bang it up. You know, there's probably a few problems. Probably a few problems. Just hemorrhoids. Remember when you used to if you dated a girl that had a dorm, you used to find the time where her roommate agreed to be out of the room so you could right? Or you would come back into the room after the roommate and it just smell like a walrus's Like Jesus. No ventilation. What the are you done in this room? Ass that through all the other smells,

69:37the ass smell would come first. Well, yeah, because nobody Look, if you're not using a bedet, people were wiping their ass. And back then, no one even shaved. Girls had hair. Standard. It was standard. You'd find dingleberries on girls all the time. That's right. People just smudged that after after they pooped. They smudge that Smudge it around. Yeah. And then when you're you're sweating and pounding and the grease from your sweat gets in her ass cracking. The jizz goes down through the taint into her Yeah. Swishes around with the uh with the stain. And with each pump of your hips, your wafting smell through the air and it permeates the atmosphere and sticks to the curtains. And think about it. It's like a fireplace bellows for a It's a furnace. Her is a furnace and you're pumping air onto it. and and bo and there's no windows. The room is like a jail cell. It's like 8 by 10. And the

70:49dude probably smells like too. They probably both smell terrible. So he's sweating and his is dirty, too. He's probably even dirtier. His asshole's probably in more of a disaster area. He's probably hairier, right? So as he's sweating, his sweat's going on the crack of his ass. And that's all wafting in the room as well, right? Air armpits. Yeah, that was intense, man. That was some intense smells back then. And then you didn't clean your sheets, especially in January. There was no maid. There was no mother. you I clean my Here's what here's my laundry cycle in college. I had 30 pairs of underwear, 30 t-shirts, 30 pairs of socks, one pair of sheets, and once a month I went downstairs and I shoved all that into the oversized washing machine and I was done. And if those sheets got come on them, which they did, Joe Rogan on a regular basis, they stayed that way. They stayed caked.

71:41That was like the sheet at a jack shack at 700 p.m. full of DNA. Ari Shafir didn't change his sheets for six months as an adult. As an adult when he was working at the store. Why? Didn't want to. Lazy. Never cleaned his room. His his his apartment was a disaster. And then one day he smartened up and just cleaned the whole place out. Wow. Yeah. Now he's a neat freak. Yeah. Well, he realized I stayed in his apartment in New York. It was nice. Yeah. He realized. Look, Aris Shafir is a smart dude. He's a smart dude. He bounces back. Figure out. figures out and he bounces back. You know, he's been off the grid for three months now. Nobody knows where he is. Are you serious? Yeah. There's pictures of him in uh Vietnam. Some people uh found him in Vietnam. They took pictures with him and they put it online. No Yep. He shut off his phone, doesn't accept incoming calls. He

72:33uh is not answering emails. He told Comedy Central, "Fuck you. I'm disappearing for 3 months." Told all his friends, told all of us, "Hey, see you guys in a few months. I don't know how long. Just going to go have fun." He goes, "I just want to disconnect." So, he just completely disconnected. He's been traveling. How long ago was this? Three months ago, he did a podcast with Henry Rollins. This is where he up. He did a podcast with Henry Rollins. Henry Rollins is a fascinating guy. Fascinating guy. Angry He's very angry. Yeah. But when you talk to him and you get to know his story, all the pieces sort of fall into place. He was one of the earliest um children that they put on Prozac or Rolin, excuse me. Rolin. They put him on rolin, which is speed, when he was really young, like five. And so he would talk about how he'd go to school just white knuckling

73:24until the rolin wear off and the rolin would wear off like at the end of the day. It would finally calm down. So his whole life he was just like jacked up on speed. Like his development cycle was kind of like impaired by being jacked up on speed in my in my opinion. The way he describes it, I don't understand how I don't know. There's not a rational argument to me that it wouldn't have any significant impact on his life being on speed all throughout his childhood years until he discovered exercise. Started exercising in high school and then he slowly got off the riddle and all that stuff. But so he's developmentally like that was challenged in a lot of ways. But he's a fascinating guy, man. He just picks a spot on a map like Bali. Okay, let's go see Bali. Eddie Rollins. Yeah. By himself. He just goes there, brings a laptop so he can write, brings cameras

74:10so he can take pictures and just writes. Yeah. And just does that and travels all over the world. Just goes to all these different places. He goes and hangs out with Bedawins in the desert. He goes and listens to weird crazy music these people are making and it's weird cultures. He just shows up in Africa. Shows up in all these different places. Just goes there, flies in. So Ari has him on his podcast. And I think Ari was so compelled by the idea of just completely just picking a spot and going that Ari decided for his own because Ari's like super cognizant about after he does a special like how he needs more material. So what he does is he filmed a special, filmed it, edited it and then disappeared then just vanished for like three months as of right now. Three months. And what what's your theory on where he is? I don't have one. I'm going to wait. I'm going to wait till he comes

74:54back and then I'm going to talk to him, see what's up. and he might not even want to talk about it, you know? I mean, Ari's such a he's such an interesting guy. He might just decide, had a good time. I don't want to talk about it. And I'd be like, all right, you know, and maybe he'll decide that the great experiences would best be reserved for the stage. Like he might he might have like cultivated some really good experiences. He wants to only get them out on stage. Yeah, he's a weird guy, but in the best way. In the best way. I mean, there's a sense of fairness about him also. Like I remember um cuz I did his show last season and we did a rehearsal for it at the comedy store in the Belling room. Mhm. And all of a sudden I get this nice check and it's like oh no Ari wanted all you guys to split this money and then I did another show from somewhere else and it

75:40was like I mean it's like you you do the same thing but he does it to a point where it's like he's very aware of being as fair as possible also. Like when we did his TV show he gave us all a gift. I won't say what it was, but uh it was illegal and every single person and it was expensive and every single person got this gift. Like he's very thoughtful about that kind of Yeah. He's just an awesome guy. When I met him, he was an open micer. Like a raw open micer just started, right? Young guy just got to the store working as a door man. And then uh one day I was supposed to take Mike Young with me and uh Mike Young was doing the road with me a little bit and Mike Young couldn't make it. So uh I took Ari and he had never really been paid before, you know, never really done like I think he'd gone out with Paulie, done some shows with Paulie, but I don't know he never he I think I brought him

76:38to the Comedy Works in Denver. He crushed. While he's on stage crushing, I hold the phone up for Mike Young. I go, "You up, Mike." I go, "Listen." And Ari was on stage killing. He's like, "No, no, no." And I hung up on him. I go, "You up. Ari's funny. Ari's my new guy." And so, but he just, it was just cool knowing him too as an open micer. Like, knowing him as a guy who just started out and now seeing him as a guy with a television show, a successful podcast, but even more important, a truly independent thinker. Yeah. Like he really is independent. Like he's he thinks his own way. Yeah, he's not he doesn't let anybody influence. I mean, he he'll take suggestions. He'll talk to people. He's reasonable, but he has an idea like what he wants to do with his life and he's just doing it. He's just a super smart dude. Yeah. Oh, I thought he was in New York. I was bummed

77:30because I'm going to be in in New York for the summer. He might be. He might be by now. Yeah. I think when he reemerges, he may end up in New York. I got this feeling. I'm sure one day I'll just get a what's up, text out of nowhere and I'm like, "Oh, he's back." Yeah. God, that's weird. I had no idea it was that long. I heard he was away, but I didn't know it was three months. Yeah, he's freaking everybody out. Duncan's like, "Dude, what do I do? I don't know where he is." Like Duncan stay in his apartment in New York. Oh, he is. He's like, "Man, I was supposed to be back a month ago. What do I do?" Like, I don't know, man. I just got to accept it. Hopefully, he's not dead. So, is Duncan going to stay in New York when Ari gets back? I believe so. I believe Duncan likes it there. Good. He's been doing a lot of stand up there. He's been traveling, doing all that. shooting this

78:12crashing show from May until um August in New York. York. Yeah. So, I got to I got to be in Brooklyn the first month because it's a um it's a writing month. We got offices out there and then three months we'll be shooting all around the city and wherever. So, if anybody has an apartment for me in New York, June, July, and August, I'll take it. Can I announce a couple dates? Yeah. All right. You're like old school radio guy. Uh coming up, got any plugs? Got some plugs. We're going to be at the uh Philadelphia Helium April 27th to 29. That's a good club, right? One of the best clubs ever. 27th through 29. And then here's one that I think you like just as much, if not more. Denver Comedy Works, May 4th through the 6th. That might be number one. If it's not number one, it's right up there with the Ice House. How happy am I right now? Oh, that's a good gig. You got two good

79:01bangers in a row there, fella. And then Moheaggan Sun in Connecticut, May 11th through the 13th. Don't do that. Don't turn your thumb down either. Just don't do it. People in Connecticut get so mad. Brooklyn. The Bell House. June 3rd. You ever play the Bell House in Brooklyn? Good spot. Yeah. It's supposed to be great. That's it. I haven't played Brooklyn in forever. I used to do There was a comedy club in Brooklyn back in the day. There was a comedy club in Benenhurst. Oh, right. Yeah. What the was that? Wasn't it next to a gym? like a a big meathead gym probably. I think it was. Do you remember the one in um the one that Dice started out? Pips. Mr. Pips. Mr. Pips or I think it was just Pips. Mr. Pip is the drink, right? Yeah. Pips in Brooklyn. Yeah. That's Joey Colola told me he was on stage there and a guy showed him his gun. Said he's on stage. The guy's heckling him and he's it's

79:59like a mob guy and these guys are just looking at him going, "Fuck you. you." And Joey's like, "Hey, what's your problem?" And the guy like pulls his jacket aside and shows him a gun. Yeah. He's like, "Oh, Jesus." And then, wow. Club wouldn't do nothing. Just had a tell tell your jokes. Good night, everybody. Damn. That That's a That's a distracted second half of your set. You're not thinking about much else except that gun. You're getting through it. That's all you're doing. You ain't getting any laughs. All right. That guy just decided to your life up and he might kill you. Yeah, there's a lot of those guys. Did you ever read Murder Machine? No. Murder Machine is about Roy Deo, who is a famous hitman, murderer, copo character in the mob. People who are like mob historians are probably mad at me right now, but it's a book that Joey Diaz gave me and it's you can't put it

80:52down. You start reading it, you can't put it down. It's all about how horrific this guy was and how many people he killed. Like the Iceman Cometh, something like that. But he worked he was a mob guy himself and they had a bar that was downstairs and above the bar they had an apartment and they would kill people in the apartment and cut them up in the tub and and they killed hundreds of people. No He just killed He just killed people for fun. He was killing people left and right. It started out he was killing people like you know mob things and you know someone owed money or something and then he just was killing people just on the weekends unwind. Didn't trust people. Start killing them. I don't like the way you're looking at me. Dead just killing people. It's a crazy book, man. It's a crazy I don't I don't remember. That's a good question. See what happened with Roy

81:38Deo. Murder Machine was the name of the book. Joey Dia is like, "Dog, you got to read this. You got to read this. I couldn't put it down. I couldn't put it down. It's unfucking believable." And it's just just some complete psychopath and a group of other psychopaths. Why is it we can't stop? Like, you know, Karen Kilgar has that uh podcast um uh my favorite murder. Is that all about murders? Every week they they talk about a different gruesome murder that took place. Yeah, it's it's really good. But um but what is it about us that like I loved the Iceman Cometh and uh there was there was another one that was about a serial killer. I mean, just earlier talking about the the angel of death guy. Like what is it about us that is so interested in people that take human life? Do you think that it's like a part of us that it's an unexpressed thing? Like if we were cavemen, we would kill,

82:33you know, I think there's a lot of energy attached to it. Meaning negative negative energy, but still energy. Like you can't look away. It's the same reason why you watch like car accidents or you watch YouTube videos about someone doing a stunt that goes wrong. They accidentally drive off a bridge. Like I don't know if you've ever seen the one where the guy in the wings suit tries to buzz a bridge and he calculates it wrong. He slams into the bridge and it sounds like a car accident. He slams in the bridge going like who knows 150 mph or something crazy like that. It's horrific and then he just falls straight down in the water. Yeah. I mean, he hit the bridge so hard. He might have just I mean, if he didn't have the suit on, he might have just exploded into like a ball of jell-o or something, you know? But because he had the suit on, it kind of kept all the

83:18blood and body parts in place. Yeah. He hit it so hard, dude. I mean, it literally sound like an like a car accident cuz he's slamming into the metal of the bridge at 100 whatever miles an hour. Yeah. With nothing on but a helmet. Do you regret having seen that? Like, does that in your mind? Well, no. No. It's not pleasant. But there's something about those things. It's like there's an energy attached like, "Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus." Boom. Right. There's a great um in uh Twitter page called Hold My Beer and it's all like hold my beer while I light this firework off in my mouth. Hold my beer while I go and pet this tiger. And it's just one horrific disaster after another. We just like, "What the man?" Yeah. Like this one. Look at this. Oh yeah. Yeah. Watch this one. Hold my beer while I become a rocket turret. Watch this guy. He's got a a fire bomb in his face.

84:24Look. Just cooks. Just cooks his face. This one is ridiculous. Oh my. Why I grab that glass musical chair? Look at this. It looked like a girl, too, didn't it? Of course, it was a girl. Took that dude out. That's great. Watch this one. Hold our beers while we go skateboarding down this hill. This one's horrific. These guys come down the hill. They just have no way to stop their skateboard. Yeah, it's a little thin lane. You can't even You can't even cut back. Watch this, dude. Boom, son. Yeah. Not good. Okay, we've seen that's like America's Funniest Home Videos for grown-ups. Exactly. But I never got into watching the faces of death and like that. Although a lot of those I think were fake, but there are obviously beheadings. I've never Have you ever watched a beheading? Yeah. It's not. Not good. Yeah. You regret it. Yeah. But why do people watch them? Again, it's because there's energy

85:31attached to it. You know, there's a consequence of what's happening. You're watching something. Even if the consequence doesn't really manifest itself, like watching people do balancing acts on the top of skyscrapers. Even if you know they survived, which is how you got the footage in the first place, it still freaks you the out. Yeah. I can't stop. You know, Kelly Slater, the the surfer. Yeah. He sends me those. He knows they freak me out. So, we send each other back and forth up videos about dudes doing bouncing acts on the side of buildings. Like, what the I can't watch those, man. My hands start sweating. I My starts squeezing. I just go, "What the are you doing?" Yeah, there's a lot of that in Russia. dudes hanging off the sides of buildings by their fingertips. You ever see those? Yes, dude. They do like hanging with one arm. You know how hard it is to hang from one arm?

86:17Yeah. And to hang from one arm when you're 700 ft in the air or something crazy. It just makes you think how little human life means in Russia. Those dudes will kill at the drop of a hat. Is that Alex? Oh, it's Alex Hnold. He's been on the podcast before. He's insane. He is so crazy. He free solos, which mean look, my hands are Feel my hands. Yeah, so are mine. Sweaty. Oh yeah, sweaty. Go back to Alex though, cuz these guys are crazy. Alex is like the number one free solo guy in the world, or at least one of the number one guys. And what that means is he doesn't use ropes. Yeah. So he'll map out a um a climb. Sometimes he'll map it out. Sometimes there's just a path that you can take and sometimes he'll map it out with ropes. But he's like, you know, honestly, even while I'm doing it with the ropes, I don't really need the ropes. And I'm like, what the And

87:10so he does this and he freaks people out. And he freaks out even experienced climbers. There was a documentary they did about him where this guy was like an experienced climber. It was like, it's not if he's going to die, it's a matter of when he's going to die, right? But this and is that that's probably a helicopter taking his picture or a drone. Yeah, right. A drone. a, man. If it's a helicopter, it probably be too dangerous. The breeze from the helicopter would be super dangerous. I used to do like that. I got a I got a picture of me hanging off my friend's fourth floor balcony by my knees. I used to do that all the time. Yeah, it's in my book. I got the picture in my book. Oh, Jesus Christ, dude. Yeah, I used to like to freak people out. Oh my god. This Alex Honold dude sometimes he he climbs things that aren't even straight up and down. They bend backwards, but they're at a certain

87:59degree facing forward. Who's this girl? Oh, I've seen this. She's hot as This is the whole video where they went up to it. But this was a This girl grabbed a guy's hand and he held her over the edge. Yeah, that girl. So crazy to trust that guy. He can her forever, by the way. Forever. Forever. For He owns it. Um, that's so insane. Freaks me the out. But I don't Stop. I can't watch this. Stop it. Stop what you're doing. You're freaking me out. I can't do this and still talk because I can't I can't talk and then do that. I watch those things. I'm have a massive physical effect on me. Yeah. But Alex anyway, he he climbs stuff that's facing forward. So, he's literally hanging straight up and down, wedging his hands into these cracks and like moving along and he's got to like reach in for the powder and powder the thing. He was on the podcast. He told me the

88:53story about how he was climbing once and he realized when he was halfway up this mountain that he forgot his powder. Oh. So, he gets to these people. They're also climbing and they're on ropes and he goes, "Hey, man. Can I borrow your powder?" And the guy's like, "Okay." The guy gives him his powder bag. And then when he got to the top, he left the powder bag for the dude. It's insane. He's insane. He's climbing. He doesn't He's like, "What did I forget? I got my fingers. That's all I need." Oh, the powder Well, those What do you call that thing that that the guy died on the bridge? a bat bat suit or a wing suit. A wing suit. There was a whole thing on um I don't know if it's HBO Sports or 60 Minutes about the people that do that. My friend Andy does it. Oh, really? My friend Andy's a world record holder, but the mortality rate is extremely high. He took two guys off% he

89:42he took two guys off the mountain last year that died doing it. Yeah. Yeah. He He's a maniac. But he's the he's got the longest distance ever that someone's ever done in one of those wings suits. Yeah. How far did he go? Something insane. Like 30 miles or something. Yeah. And they like glide along the sides of cliffs and 18 miles. 18 miles. 18 miles. Damn. With no break. All you can do is catch catch a gust of wind and you're toast. Yeah. Yeah. Or you're toast. Go full screen on this This is so insane. Look how high it is. Oh, he jumped out of a helicopter. I don't think that's a helicopter. I think that's a plane. Oh, isn't it? Yeah, that's a plane. I think a helicopter would be a harder thing to jump out of. I'm just guessing because the way the the wind is pressing downward. Yeah. Does that make sense? I don't know. I don't know about what would happen. Yeah. There it is. A

90:34plane. Yeah. So, he gets up there and he does this all the time. He'll like send me pictures cuz he knows it freaks me out. He'll send me pictures of him jumping off some mountain in Guatemala or something. Like, look at that. This is so insane. He's going 163 miles an hour. Like what? What? Wow. Dude, this is how we're going to be dropping our troops into the next uh battles. Not too many people would be willing to do it. Well, not not willing rather capable. I think you would. You got to be a special person to be able to pull off a flying squirrel suit. Yeah. I mean, you ever jump out of a plane? No. You don't want to do it? that. I'd do it. You should do it then. Just don't tease me. Jumping off the mountain is way crazier when they're just like skimming it instead of jumping out of a plane where you Yeah. No, this guy's parachuting. And that's cool, but

91:27that's not like these guys on 60 Minutes. They were skimming the sides of cliffs. He does it, too. He does that same too. Oh, he does that, too. He does the whole thing. This is just the world record. This is the furthest distance ever. all that, man. 18 miles. He took my friend Cam up. Cam went uh skydive the other day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. that. No, I mean I don't like free falling. I I know. I don't like that feeling. Like I've been on bungee cords and it's it's pure torture when your stomach drops out on you. Yeah. That doesn't feel good. But I think it equalizes when you jump out of a plane, doesn't it? I don't know. But I know that Brian Brian Redband, his dad used to work with this lady and the girl was always like, "Hey, why don't you go skydiving with us?" Yeah. He's like, "Yeah, I will one day. One day." Then one day he gets there on Monday. You know where's so and so.

92:22You didn't hear she died skydiving. Really? Sh boom. Shoot didn't open up. Back up. Shoot didn't open up. Here comes the ground. 160 mph. Boom. You just bounce off that ground and become jello. Yeah. All your sticks crushed to the bottom of your body. Everything's destroyed. Yeah. You might go through a barn or something. Slam through a barn. Mhm. Slam into some fence posts 160 mph. Just tears you in half. Yeah. man. Yeah. I don't even like roller coasters anymore. We did I did a roller coaster two years ago in Florida. Busch Gardens. If you want to, if you're into roller coasters, Disney and Universal, they've got a couple that are good, but Busch Gardens is like the redneck paradise. It's like, it's like the guys the the caries. They run these ancient roller coasters that are insane. Like the twisting corkcrews, but there's like 10 of them and they're they're

93:25you go you can ride every one of them three times in a day. It's Atlanta. Drive down to Tampa, go to Busch Gardens. But I went and it up my neck to to this day I have a bad neck from spinning around on those roller coasters. Jesus Christ. I already had a bad neck, but it tweaked it in a way that I've never I've never come back from. Well, the inertia when you're on those things. Have you ever done the What is the one? There's a crazy one at Six Flags like the X something or another where you go upside down and back and forth. You're in a You're in a harness. You They strap you into this thing and you flip up and down. You spin around and you're going on a roller coaster. So, you're on a roller coaster and you're spinning around in circles and you get off that thing like what the is wrong with me. Like I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it. Yeah, I know. My son

94:14and his friends are into that that you when you're 16, it's perfect. Yeah. They want to make something happen. Yeah. When you're 16, you want something to take place. Yeah. Like, come on, let's go. Let's go. I want something to happen here. That's why I had uh sex so much when I was young is I just wanted something to do. It was a goal that you could achieve and then you could go back and tell your friends about it. You had a story. Yeah. I didn't care about the girls. I I hate to say that. I really didn't care about the girls. I didn't have a girlfriend till I was in college. I didn't even think about having a girlfriend. When you first started having sex, did you not want to do anything else? It's all I wanted to do was masturbate and have sex. I used to have a joke about it when my dad was like, "Uh, what happened to baseball?" I'm like, "Oh, I found this

94:58new thing. I like it. I like it better. The out of here hitting that stupid ball with a stick. Ball? What are you? There's no chicks out there. There's no girls that come to baseball games. When I got off school, all of a sudden you're dressed in Jordash jeans and you're flaring your hair back. What happened to baseball? I found Yeah. Like the first like steady like all the time sex that I got, I think I was either 16 or 17. And I had a girlfriend who was a year younger than me. And you know why I was nervous about it? Because when I turned 18, people were telling me that I could get arrested. That's right. Cuz she was only 17. Like you get arrested for statutory rape. And I was like, "What?" But I like but we dated before when it was okay. But it doesn't matter. You have to stop. I was like, "Oh my god." And I was terrified. I thought I was going to go to jail. Mhm.

95:51That's crazy. That means when you're 18, you have to only bang someone your age or older. Well, I'll take it a step further. I've been talking about this in my act of like how I still jerk off to like I'll think about girls from high school that I went to high school with and I'll jerk off to them. Oh no. And then uh I got the yearbook and I looked up this one girl Jill. I won't say her last name and I was jerking off to her picture and then I was like I was like I think this is wrong. But then I thought no because I used to jerk off to her before I was an adult. So maybe I'm grandfathered in. I would say you are. I'm grandfathered in. Right. Yeah. Yeah. If you start jerking off to one of your kids 17-year-old friends, yeah, that's up. That's up. That's a felony. No. If you get pictures, if I look at a yearbook, like say I find a 2016 yearbook, right, from Hollywood

96:38High School. Okay. I find it at a flea market and I take it home and I'm jerking off to girls that are 14, 15, 16 years old. Is that not kitty porn? No, because there's no pornography. It's 100% up to your imagination. It's like if you see a girl, you seen those varsity field hockey skirts? No, I'm not into that. But if you see a girl walking down the street and you know, you think she's on the edge, like 17 or 18, and you don't know. Like, I don't even know. I'm just going to say she's 19 and she's just, you know, that's I'm just guessing. And then you go beat off. Like, are you any worse than if you knew she was 17? If you see her, she's got a big fat ass and big juicy young titties and she's walking down the street like, "Oh my god, I can't believe she's only 17." And then you go home and jerk off to her. That's different, right? Knowing Knowing makes it creepy. Yes. Yes.

97:26Because you're jerking off to the age as well as the image. If you're jerking off to the image, you're fine. Yeah. If you just see the girl walking down the street and she's like, "God, I don't know. What do you think?" illegal. It's like if you're gonna shoot a moose, they have to be 52 inches in Alaska, which means which means the uh the antlers have to have either certain amount of brow tines or they have to be a certain distance apart from each other. Meaning they want the the hunters only to hunt mature animals that have already bred. Like that's the idea of the conservation aspect of it to keep the the breeding population strong. Yeah. So when you're like ready to shoot an animal, especially if you're using a rifle, you have to be really sure. You have to like, boy, I don't know. I don't know. He's coming. He's coming. I don't know if he's I don't know if he's legal.

98:08Let's Let's back out. Let's back out. And it happens all the time where guys are like, "Fuck." And then, you know, it turns out it was legal or if it wasn't legal, that's a good thing they didn't shoot it because even though it's an arbitrary thing like decide or a weird thing, like trying to decipher whether or not something is 50 plus inches from 200 yards away. Like you're just kind of guessing in a lot of ways. Yeah. They It's really important because if you up and you shoot one that's young, you're in deep So you Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you could just make a mistake and shoot a bull that's 45 inches. You're You'll lose your license. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're gonna have to pay a fine. You lose the animal. You won't be able to take the animal home and they check. Yeah. They'll check. Yeah. And all the meat that you got from that animal, you're unless you

98:49poach it. Unless you decide to not tell anybody, which people do do. They especially do if they realize they up. Either they up on purpose or they got delusional with themselves. They shoot something that's that's smaller than it should be. Like you're in big trouble though when you do. Depending on the state. Every state has different regulations, but that's kind of the same thing with this 18-year-old girl because like some girls are 19, they look like they're 15. Like some girls are in their 20s, they look like they're 15. Well, it is weird when you see girls in porn with pigtails and they pretend to be just coming home from school and some guy pulls their pants and them and comes in their mouth and it's like, what am I watching here? And they act like children. They act like kids. They act like young girls. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's like, but that's,

99:29you know, that's a woman playing a role. you know, she's over 18, she's a fully committed adult, but there's a there's some girls that are like 14 and they look like they're 18 that especially when you're across the street, you're not close to them. You don't like catch subtle cues that you're dealing with a child, right? You know, there's like weird like a lot of girls in particular are full grown by the time they're like 15, you know, like they're that's as tall as they're ever going to get. Whereas boys keep growing a little bit longer. I grew in college. Yeah. They say girls after they have their period stop growing. Oh, that makes sense. And stop being pleasant. Now, you know it. If I if I'm at the beach, if I'm if I'm at the beach and I see a girl and she's with a girl that I can tell is under 18, but she doesn't look under 18. I won't look at her just out of fear that,

100:24right, she must be under 18 cuz you don't want to put her in the spank bank. She's got to stay out of the spang bank. She's Yeah, I put I put a yellow tag on her. You're very ethical. Well, it's hard because once you have kids that are teenagers, it's scary. It's like you you know, my son is 16 years old, right? But let's admit that that is a gray area. Yeah, it's a gray area. Like, who knows what that is. That could be the older sister, you know? That could be one girl and her older sister. Like, she might be 19 and her friend might be 17. Who? She could be a 51 point buck. She could be bull bull moose. 51 inch buck. Jesus Christ. You got to kill that thing. What's the youngest girl you ever had sex with when you were a teenager? When I was I think I was 16. My girlfriend was 15. And she was the first girl I ever had sex with. So that was the youngest girl.

101:17She was 15 years old. She was 15 and I was 16. Yeah. I came instantly. Yeah. Oh. As soon as it touched it, I was like, "What? What happened?" The first time I ever came was from a I never beat off. I never beat off. Are you serious? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For real. That must have been the greatest of all time. To this day, I've been chasing that dragon. Yes. My ears rang. I'll never forget it was on the porch, the front porch of uh my girlfriend's house. Her mom was upstairs, so she blew me on the porch. No Had she blown a guy before? Um, sure. Seems like it if she's on the front porch, her mouth's been around a couple She actually had sex with one of my friends before she had sex with me. And my friend was like a real weird he was like a city guy where I was like, we were living in the suburbs. My friend was my friend actually before I knew her from back when I lived in

102:11Jamaica plane. And he was always a really weird guy. He was like one of those guys that would wear those black Reeboks with the Velcro, you know, like the like the aerobic shoes. He would wear those and then he had cavarichi like he dressed well back then that was dressing well and I always felt like super insecure. I'm like wow she dated that guy. That guy was like street smart and you know like he kind of like he was like in he was hip. He smoked cigarettes. He knew how to dance. He could dance like music would play speakers car speakers. He was just a weird guy. He was a really weird guy. Was he a guido? No. No. I don't think he was Italian. He was I don't remember what he was. some non-distinct European lineage. Yeah. But uh she banged him and then that didn't work out. She actually made out with him once at my house the first time. Uhhuh. But like when you

102:59were kids, you all just we play spin the bottle all make out with each other. We didn't know what the we were doing. We couldn't even believe that we make we could make out with each other. Like what? This is amazing. Yeah. You know. So wait, so you get the You've never had a hand job. You've never jerked off? Nope. Why did you never jerk off? Um, I didn't I didn't know that it would be like that worth doing. Like I didn't jerk off until after I was having sex, believe it or not. And this was you were what 15 at this point? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. 15 or 16? Maybe. Maybe 16. Cuz I had sex I'm pretty sure I had sex I think it was like right when I was 16. She was 15. That's when we actually had sex. So she might have blown me before I was 16. But anyway, um, my ears rang like I couldn't believe it. I was like, "What the fuck?" Like, I came so hard. It was

103:55this reward system that like the universe and biology had set up this crazy reward system to try to get you to breed. It's really interesting because when you're at your least responsible, your least developed, your brain is mush. My brain was useless. When I was 15 years old, I had a monkeykey's brain. And it was this just ridiculous, silly brain. No way did I have any like sense of responsibility or how to take care of a kid. Like impossible. I didn't even have my own even remotely together. And my body wanted me to have a baby. Like you wanted to trick me. I was horny all the time. Like ruthlessly horny, you know? And after that girl gave me a then we w up being boyfriend and girlfriend and having sex all the time. We just constantly. I just No, maybe twice. That's crazy. Yeah. Definitely not smart cuz back then you're not dribbling out a load. You are projecting that rocket deep deep

104:57into the cervix and the urethra. Well, I was trying to pull out so I was guess I guess somehow or another I pulled it off. Wow, you got lucky. Or she had a couple abortions you tell me about. Possible. I knew a lot of girls that had abortions. So, not even with me, which is like girls in town. One girl had three of them and we're like, "Jesus, honey, get on the pill." Yeah. Get on the pill. All right. Um, but my girlfriend in high school got on the pill and then it was just like just rockets right in there. It's ridiculous because when you're a young kid, like the idea the pill is a strange thing, right? You're circumventing biology. You're you're saying, "Look, mother nature, I know what your plan was. I know what you're trying to do, but guess what? No one's ready for this when you're 16. Okay? So, we're going to give someone the pill." But for girls, it's a

105:46terrible deal. They got to take these wacky hormones. You got to take estrogen when you're 16. Like, what does that do to them? Yeah. You know what they say it does? One of the big things, it up a woman's ability to differentiate whether or not she's compatible with a guy. Oh, really? Yeah, they've done these things where they take women and they'll have them smell a guy's clothes, clothes that a guy wore, and they can decide and they can just like pick from the smell whether or not they would be compatible with that guy. It turns out they're really good at picking whether or not they're genetically compatible with that guy. Wow. But that gets totally monkey wrenched into the gears as soon as they get on the pill. when they get on the pill that their sense of smell doesn't work anymore. Like that that sort of weird primate instinct, the animal instinct of

106:37being able to smell whether or not the guy's compatible with you doesn't work anymore. Dude, I nose raped this girl at the gym yesterday. I was on the treadmill and she was next to me and she had long black hair and she tussled it up and put it into a bun and whatever conditioner she had was floating over. Then she started running. She was this Persian girl and the armpits were emitting. I was running with my head at a 45° angle. Inhaling through my nose, exhaling through my mouth, just nose raping her. Did you have a plan? If she said, "Why are you leaning towards me?" You tell her about the roller coaster. You can tell her about Listen, uh, I got I got to tell you I'll tell you a story. It's a crazy long story. Do you have time? I'll buy you a cup of coffee. I'll make you stand a little closer. There's a place called Busushch Gardens in Tampa, and I my neck up on a

107:25roller coaster. It's the craziest roller coaster. She forgets her sweatshirt. I'm down in the men's room just I mean, she had she was hot. Like, she was running I usually run with the I run at uh 6.2 miles an hour, which is pretty slow, but it keeps my heart rate at 135, which I need to do for like 40 minutes straight. She was running at 8.5 miles an hour, which is pretty goddamn fast cuz she was small. Whoa. And uh nice nice tan little Persian legs. But the smell of unibrow. She was a little gland. She was a gland. A gland. Yeah. It was coming out. It was coming out from the undercarriage everywhere. Jesus. And I'm just running and I'm trying to It was like a It was like a powdery flowery thing mixed with uh pit stink. Those are the type of girls like uh really sexy Persian girls or I guess you would say Iranian if you weren't being politically correct. Isn't that

108:27hilarious? They call themselves Persian. Yeah, there's been a Persia since like 1930, right? Let's all just call ourselves Africans. Yeah, we all Oh, you're Persian. Oh, allow me to introduce my friend. He's from the Ottoman Empire and I'm a Hittite. Ah, Ottoman. That's hilarious. Yeah, but the uh I was sitting on a bench one day. This couple walked past me. Girl was pretty hot. Little nose rape. Take it in. Nice. And I swear I got a small I got a very strong um uh what do you call your nose sense of smell? Alactory gland. Alactory. I got a very strong alactory sense. And so I was like really enjoying it. And then uh about 10 minutes later, the guy walks past me and he smells good too. That was the smell. Oh no. Yeah. No. Yeah. What was he wearing? Like pachuli or something? It was It was spicy. That's one of those things that a dude can pull off that a girl can pull

109:33off too. Like both hippie species, male and female, both genders, can wear puli. Marin Mark Marin wears puli. I don't believe you. Yes, he does. I might have to find that out. Grateful Dead Music and Puli. He really wears pichuli. Yep. How dare he? Really? You sure? You just with me? I'll I'll email him right now. No, I'm I'm almost 100% sure. Not all the time, but he has in the past worn puli oil. Do you think some girl him at one point in his life because he was wearing puli and he's like, "Look, just roll the dice." If it really cancels out, I don't want that kind of pressure. Like, if a girl doesn't me cuz I'm wearing puli. I don't want that kind of pressure. That's true. It's a lot of pressure. Yeah. Yeah. That's my argument for the fanny pack. A guy's like, "It's easy for you. You're married." I'm like, "Listen to me. If I wasn't married, I'd be more inclined to

110:19wear it." Because if a girl won't you cuz you wear a fanny pack, you don't want her to you. It's too much work. Yeah. I love seeing single guys who have that attitude. That is the attitude. You got to have that attitude. Otherwise, you get distracted. And that's what I learned from beating off. It's one of the things I learned from beating off. When I first started beating off, which I told you after I had sex, I realized like, oh, this is what's going on. Like I'm a little addict. Yeah. Like I came and I was like, I don't really need to go out with her. Like this is not necessary. Like before I was like, I got to see her. When am I going to see her? When am I going to see her? But I would beat off and it would give me a few hours of relief. Yeah. Where I could think clearly, right? Like I used to have a bit way back in the day about jerk off first, then think about it. That should

110:57be like an ethic that men approach their entire life with because some terrible mistakes you make when you're under the influence of your own dick. Yeah. Cuz your own dick will talk you into all sorts of stupid situations. But if you jerk off first, you know, you're not going to go into a barn at 4:00 in the morning with some crazy girl doing coke like, I got to go. Like yeah, if you jerked off and she's like, come on, you're scared. Like, yeah, I'm scared. I am scared. Got to go. See you. Yeah. If you're horny, you're like, "All right, let's do this." That's right. You want me to suck my dick? Yeah. You want me to suck your dick? You got to do some coke with me. And the two of you just doing coke and then you can't even get it up, you How come you can't get it up, You're doing Coke. I'm supposed to suck your dick. You're not even getting it up. Sorry. And it's 4:30

111:46in the morning. You should never be up at 4:30 still trying to get laid. That's what happens. You start doing the Coke and all a sudden you went to a bar that close. You went to another bar. You're throwing down cash. You haven't even gotten laid yet and you're still ch then she wants to go to Denny's and then you got to go hang out at her house and she wants to do more coke and then all a sudden at 4:30 in the morning it's not you don't even give a anymore. It's like it's got to happen in the first two hours. And you know, it was a horrible one for me in the summer when this would happen and I had jobs. So it'd be like 4:30 in the morning and I'd be still trying to get laid and then I had to be up at 7 to go to my construction job. So you'd be carrying wood all day exhausted. You didn't shower. So you got that oily stank in your undercarriage. Your ball sack is

112:36sticking to your thigh. I'd come home and fall asleep before I even got my clothes off. I just hit the bed sideways out cold. Yeah. Wake up in the morning, do it all over again. Oh yeah. I used to park cars at a country club and uh we would go out all we would get paid in cash tips. We'd make a good 150 bucks in cash. I was 16, 17 years old. We go out to the bars, do shots all night, get laid. We'd go skinny dipping. There was a pool that we'd break into and there was a bunch of teenagers that would all skinny dip. On any given night in the summer if it was hot out, you go to that pool, there was naked teenagers swimming and you could get laid pretty easily. And then we would go and then we'd have to be there at 6:00 in the morning to park cars cuz the golfers came in. And we'd get there and we had this little wooden shack and we'd run up and down the stairs parking these cars because it

113:29was down a hill. So you'd have to drive it down the hill. run up, drive it down the hill for hours, and then finally they'd all be out on the golf course, kick back in that shack, and just lay on the wooden floor and sleep for a couple hours. Working when you're tired when you're a kid is so important. Yeah. So important to realize how to power through things because you don't power through when you're a little kid. They make you take naps. It's quite the opposite of powering through. Yeah. Like, are you tired? Look, Greg, just take a nap. You need to take a nap. I don't want to take a nap. go take a nap. You had to take a nap at school. Remember that? You used to have nap time at school. Then you take a nap when you got and then all of a sudden no more naps. All of a sudden you have to work. Like and it happens over the course of like a couple of years. Yeah. Now you got to get up at 6.

114:13Those summer jobs, those were the big eye opener for me. That's when I knew that's when I really knew I could never work construction. That's when I really knew like summer jobs when I was in high school and right out of high school. I was like, "Fuck this." Yeah. cuz I had jobs. No, it's true. You should bust You should make your kid bust his ass in high school so he can realize he needs an education or he needs to pick something to do young. You got to pick something to do different cuz I had other jobs that weren't as hard. Like I worked at Newport Creary. I was a dishwasher and then I was a cook. Wasn't that hard. I mean it sucked. It wasn't fun. Be cook burgers, make ice cream like sundaes and milkshakes. And before that I was the the guy washed the dishes. I moved up. Moved on up, bro. I didn't want to take the waitress job though. too much responsibility to be a waiter or a

115:00waitress. Waitress. Lipstick. Yeah. Perfume. I didn't really look good in those tights. But um that was like my only job that I'd had until I started doing construction jobs. Yeah. My dad's an architect. My stepdad got me gigs. He's an architect and he got me gigs in the summer like like real jobs. And I was like, "Holy shit." Like when you're a laborer, you're a 16-year-old laborer on a construction site. your life. Yeah. my life. Every day. your life. And plus, I didn't know how to hydrate back then. I never drank any water. I drank like a Coke in the morning and then all day. No drinking water. No, no awareness. Probably wear any sunblock. No, it was bronze, like copper. Yeah. And I would just carry all day and be so tired. But I remember thinking, "Okay, you got there's got to be a plan. We got to make a plan to avoid this. You can't be doing this."

115:57Because I knew guys that would do this. My friend Leroy got me a job once. This was a really important turning point. Him and his friend Hank, they would renovate buildings in Doorchester. Real neighborhood, real bad. And these buildings were like basically like completely wrecked. And they would redo them. And this one guy, he was like semihomeless. He lived in this place while they were redoing it. And he had a Mountain Dew jug, like a two liter thing of Mountain Dew that he filled with malt liquor. He would just drink this Mountain Dew jug of malt liquor all day. He'd be just blasted all day on the construction site. And we're walking around. There's like exposed beams. There's um to the left and the right there's um fiberglass, you know, that's over lattice, so you could step through and you just drop right through to the floor below. Yeah. And this guy walked

116:44like a ballerina, drunk as His name is Jeff. Never forget Jeff. walked around this this construction site and just barely not stepping on nails, just barely and drunk. Yeah. Hammered and everybody knew it. Shakes. He his hands would shake just he would hold the mountain leader the the two liter mountain dude thing and he just shaking while he was trying to drink. Wow. Fullon ale. And you were like, "That's my future." I didn't think it was my future, but I knew it could be a future if he did what that guy's doing. Like, whoa. Yep. Yeah. you realize that uh you know wi-i with I had a job I was actually in college but one summer I went out to uh the Hamptons me and my brother and this other guy from Northern Ireland Sean he was drunk and we shared a uh studio apartment fleer ridden first two guys in got the fold out catch third guy was on the floor so you try to get home before the

117:37other guys with fleas covered in fleas all summer did you guys have a dog did someone have a dog no somebody must had a dog before the place was infest Ed. Oh, no. And I would go down, my job was I would ride my bike and I remember it was 6 miles. I would ride my bike to the beach and and I had to get there at like 7:00 in the morning and it was an outdoor beach club. It was a bar. Basically, Brooklyn would unload and show up at this place. It was called Summers on Dune Road in the Hamptons. And they had two outdoor bars that each had six bartenders in it. power, you know, power pouring like Tom Cruz in cocktail, chicks in bikinis, bartending, and then inside two more bars with six more bartenders, speakers the size of a Volkswagen. So, I'd get there at 7 a.m. My job was get the dolly and get 10 speakers outside that were all the size of Volkswagens, plug them in. First thing

118:35was do that and then I put on 2001 Space Odyssey at 9 to clear off all the drunks that were sleeping on the sand from the night before because you had to pay to get in. So they wanted to clear the beach. All these people get up scream with their hands on like shut the up. And then I would carry up, me and the other guy would carry up racks, you know, booze racks with like 15 bottles in them. Carry them up, stock each bar for six bartenders, start bringing up garbage cans full of ice, filling up the troughs with ice, bringing up cases of beer, stuffing the beers into the ice. I mean, and then and then all of a sudden people started trickling in around 9:30, 10. Crank the bad disco music, power pouring in the bikinis, Guidos showing up, chicks that would I would have to clean out the bathroom, the women's bathroom at least three times a day. It'd be clogged up with tampons. These nasty

119:37Guido chicks from Brooklyn would stick their bloody tampons in. There'd be And then the men would throw broken bottles into the urinals. I'd have to clean those out all day long up and down and this the ice was down a flight of stairs with this broken down shitty ice machine and all day long I weighed 125 lbs up and down the stairs with buckets of ice on my shoulder cases of Coors light and just f and it was all outside so I was getting fried from the sun and I'm thinking this is great I'm going to get laid I didn't get a conversation with one of those chicks all summer long all I did was drink Miller Lights and then a few times a day I'd run down to the beach, dive in the ocean and cool off, come back. But I made bank. These bartenders, they knew I was taking care of them and they were they were making $1,000 a day. Really? Yeah. They were making crazy money. Wow. And they would

120:35all tip me out. you know, 15 bartenders all tipping me. It was three of us. Me and two other guys. Wow. And then I get on my bike at around 6:00 and I'd pedal back to our little fleafested studio apartment and then take a shower and then we go to this place Tequila Murphy's up the street and we'd dance. We'd dance to like you know uh Rob Bass and DJ Easy Rock. That's right. The art of noise. And we and I would break dance and we'd stay there till 2:00 in the morning and I'd come home. Oh my god. Get some more flea bites. Get up and do it all over again every day. I had fleas in my carpet when I was in high school because that same dog got hit by a car and we didn't have fleas anymore after she died. I put carpet down and vacuumed it. But one time I brought this chick home when I was still living with my parents and uh she's one of the first chicks that I ever brought on the like I

121:34think I was 18 at the time I was still living at home and she was 18 too and she knew how to Like not just that, like she was the first girl I ever had sex with that put her foot on the wall. It was like pushing off with her foot on the wall. Like I lived on the second floor and you know uh some bedrooms have like an angled wall. So like where my bed was it was like propped up against the side of the wall. So it was like a flat wall up to like you know 3 ft high and then above that there was like this angle and this chick put her foot on the top of that and she was like up and I remember she pushed back. Yeah. I remember thinking, Jesus, like respect. Like, she wasn't just taking it. She was she was giving it back from the bottom. I was like, I never never dated a girl did that before. Yeah. Cuz you know when you're 16, you're dating 16-year-old, 17. By

122:23the time you're 18, the girls have been for a while. They know what they're doing, you know. Yeah. I remember Yeah. being around that age. I remember this girl, Linda, I won't say her last name. She reached down. I'm her. and she reaches down and starts rubbing her And I was like, "Whoa." I was like, "Wow, this is about your orgasm, isn't it?" Yeah. That's a girl who's ready to party. Because when you there's a certain age where it goes from becoming about your orgasm to being about hers. Mhm. You know, and that's a that's a big big primordial change. There's also like this thing where a girl's doing that in front of you. There's something really hot about it. like she wants you to her while she's masturbating and looking at you and like letting you know that she's masturbating and like whoa. It's full surrender. Yeah. But this girl that pushed off against the wall, she got

123:10flea bites all over her leg. My my carpet had fleas on it and she was like what the I was like I got to do something about it. She's so mad at me. I used to have like little bites all over my ankles all the time. Yeah. just the thing you had if you had a dog back then, you know, like we'd take some powder. I'd spray sprinkle some powder and then vacuum. It's supposed to kill the fleas. Never killed most of them. There's a few gangster fleas that would survive. And your dog would always get them. They go outside. They just get fleas. Dude, you do you have those bugs right now? Because it was so rainy this winter. We got these. They look like giant mosquitoes, but they're like five times as big as mosquitoes. You got those? Oh, mosquito eaters. Yeah, they're all over the place. Mosquito eaters, right? Yeah. They don't seem to sting you, though. They don't seem to

123:58sting, but you open your front door, man, they come right in. Every night I got to kill a couple of them in the house. Yeah. Do they really eat mosquitoes? I don't know how you would get They're so slow, right? I don't know how they would get to a mosquito. Maybe the mosquito would be stupid. Be like, "Dad, like, yeah, come on. Come here. Come here. Come here. I'll give you a hug." Yeah. I mean, I heard them called that, but I was thinking the same thing. Like, how the are they? Yeah, adult crane flies are actually physically incapable of killing mosquitoes. The main sustenance of crane flies is flower nectar. The nickname mosquito eaters probably comes from the fact that some larville crane fleas feed on mosquito larvae, but it also is only occasionally. And those things, I mean, it's the size of your hand. They're big. Yeah. Yeah. It's a weird bug. Yeah. There's a lot of uh and

124:47mosquitoes, too. There's a ton of mosquitoes right now. We got a wet winter. It's fascinating. You know what's funny though? People are so glass half empty. I've been hearing so many people go, "Well, there's going to be a real problem in the summer when fire season starts. Got all this, Can't you just enjoy the green hills? The hills are green. Everything looks beautiful." Yeah. I hope it keeps I hope this place becomes Seattle and people move. I hope it rains constantly and they move LA to like the desert. Move it to like where Area 51 is. This is where we're going to film from now on, guys. Yeah. Just start filming out there because it never rains. Yeah. I just read this book about um the making of the Panama Canal and they talk about, you know, when the fren, you know, the French first tried to do it. They went in in the late 19th century and they,

125:31you know, you got to think technology in the late 19th century. They didn't have electricity. They didn't have right? They had giant machines and they were trying to bulldoze a a canal through the most dense tropical um jungle that you could get through. And and they and they lost something like 20% of the people that went down there died of malaria and yellow fever. Holy Which are both mosquito-born diseases. So they go down there and they fight it out for like 10 years. They keep sending people down. They keep dying. Keep sending people down. Keep dying. And uh and even if you don't die, you're working 14-hour days in jungle heat with a with a little spade. And then all of a sudden, they'd get a monster rain and everything you'd excavated, there'd be a mudslide. It would fill it right up again. They'd start all over. There were snakes. There was mountain lions. And they

126:32just finally gave up. Finally, France just went, "Fuck this." They had bled hundreds of millions of dollars and so and so then the US stepped in. They go we can do it. So we came in and some guy had realized that mosquitoes were the problem. Like they nobody knew that malaria and yellow fever were mosqu were mosquitob born for whatever reason. They just thought it was popping out out of the dirt. They thought it was like fumes coming out of the dirt. And this guy's like no it's mosquitoes. So he came in with a team of like 10 people and they just started in educating people about how to get rid of mosquitoes, which is basically get rid of standing water. And so instead of having mud roads, they poured concrete and uh and instead of having open barrels that people would collect rain water in, they would put sheets over them and uh gone. That's it. That's all they had to do to stop the

127:27mosquito. All they had to do was no deaths from malaria and yellow fever after the first couple years they started construction. That's incredible. So they just figured out a way to stop the mosquitoes from breeding without poison. Without poison. That's incredible. I would have thought they would just age and orange the out of that place. Just standing water. Wow. Do you know malaria's killed half the people that have ever died ever? No Wow. Wow. Half the people that have ever died ever in the history of the human race have died from malaria and still unabated. No cure. My friend Justin's got it three times. Really? Where does he live? Well, he goes to the Congo. It makes wells for the pygmies. Wow. Yeah. Justin Ren. But if but if you catch it and you take the pill right away, you're fine. If you get the proper medication, you will be okay. But um there's a bunch of different strains of

128:20malaria and some of them last a long time. and he's had one strain where he got it, he recovered from it and then he got sick and because he got sick, the malaria came back. So he got an unrelated illness without being around the mosquitoes and his malaria came back and he had to figure it out that the malaria had made a relapse. So he's had it three times, two times from being bitten, one time from a relapse. So is malaria something that just stays with you for life? I think with some cases and not not necessarily for life, but it can recur over the course of a certain amount of years and then your body eventually gets over it. But he was saying that one case of malaria, you can have it for as much as 30 years. Wow. And dying of it is about as painful as it gets. Your brain starts to fry. You just go crazy. Your entire body feels like it's made of acid. It's brutal. Yeah. You know, and

129:12you think about how, you know, third world, how, you know, we're trying to we're trying to do good in the world. Malaria is just number one, two, and three that we should be focusing on. Yeah, there was some work that they were doing. Um, God, I want to say somewhere around California, someone was doing it where they were trying to figure out a way to engineer a mosquito that does not get malaria. And they were going to release that mosquito. Oh, yeah. I heard about this, right? Yeah. Is that what it was? Well, I think it happened with the Zika virus. Here goes. Did malaria really kill half the people that ever lived? Get the facts. Did it? This is a It's a myth. Oh, it is a myth. It's killed It's definitely probably one of the biggest throughout human history, but to actually know the actual fact if it has killed that many people, it's probably not cuz it would have had to

129:59killed an average of 5 and a half million per year. And for like the last 30 or 40 years, it's only about 2 to 3 million. So that number 30 or 40 years, so it's at least 20%. Yeah. Hm. So, but they don't know. So, where does it come from? Does any does any site support that? This site tries to debunk it. We have to be sure that they're not right cuz I feel like I read it from a science paper which might not necessarily look we had Rob Wolf the other day and he thought that a vomitorium was really some people make mistakes but it's uh but it's killed loads of people. It's just there's a lot of those goddamn diseases that scare the out of you. Like remember when the Ebola craze happened and everybody was panicking that Ebola had made its way to the United States? Remember that one lady? She was a nurse and she was in quarantine and they they tried to keep

130:44her in quarantine. She's like, "Fuck you. I'm going shopping." Like, that's right. Remember that. Yeah. She's like, "Bitch, you're quarantined." She's like, "I don't have it." Well, the Zika thing is not under under wraps. They've got it here. It's down in Florida. And uh I think that they I know they were trying to genetically modify mosquitoes for for Zika. Yeah. Yeah. Um a friend of mine, um his wife got pregnant. He wouldn't wouldn't let her go anywhere. So like they were supposed to go to Hawaii or maybe Mexico or something like that. They were like, "Fuck that. Yeah. We're not taking any chances. I'm going to stay right here while this kid's born. yeah. Because it it's incurable. And your kid develops a tiny head. It's a really creepy And they don't even know what else happens because they're, you know, the kids that are born from it are only a few years old at

131:26this point. crazy disease, man. That's so cruel. So horrible. There's a guy named Peter Hortez that I uh interviewed once and he was talking to me about um it was for my sci-fi show that I did years back and he was talking to me about um jungle diseases like people that have um you know any sort of infestations or parasites and things like that in the jungle and he said it is 100% of the people that live there. They have them 100% of the people that live there have something. Yeah. 100%. I went 100%. Does that mean they're living with it or they're suffering from it? They're living with it. I mean, they might be suffering from it. But one of them was um this uh cat parasite, toxopplasma. Have you ever heard of that? Oh, yeah. Pregnant women are Yeah. super dangerous for women to like handle cat because of it. You shouldn't touch a litter box or eat any vegetables in

132:16France because they don't uh that my f my wife went to France when she was pregnant and they said that she couldn't eat cheese because they don't pasteurize it out correctly in France. Well, it makes sense. They like that raw stinky cheese down there. They love that stuff. They love it. But it um it's uh a weird one because it makes the the rat when a rat eats it or a rat gets it in its body, a rat becomes sexually attracted to the smell of cat urine to the point where their dick gets hard and their balls swell up and they go to find the cat and the cat kills them and then the cat relays it to people. And one of the things it does with people is it makes them reckless. So there's a direct there's a guy named Dr. Robert Sapolski out of Stanford who's done extensive research on toxopplasma. He's fascinating guy. He's got some awesome speeches where he talks about it online.

133:04But one of the things they found when he was working in the ER is a direct correlation between toxopplasma and motorcycle accidents. Like a lot of these people that Yep. people that would come in and they would have motorcycle accidents. They would test them and they would find out they tested positive for toxo. 50 million people in America tested positive for toxopplasma. Really? Yep. And it it affects the way you think. It affects your judgment. It makes you more impulsive. Makes you more aggressive. And it might even affect women. It might make women more promiscuous or at least make them more um sexually submissive. They don't know. I mean, this is just complete total speculation. But they think it might be one of the reasons why some South American countries are very macho and the women are like very sexy. So, why do women with cats always live alone? I

133:51don't think it's the same. Those cats never leave the house. So, so if you don't have a cat, you can't catch this. No, you can catch it. You can catch it from um the meat of a cow that eats the cat in its in its grass. Like there's there's a bunch of different ways. A lot of people currently there's probably 50 million people in the country that have this. Currently in America, there's 50 million people plus that are infected with this cat parasite called toxopplasma. Should you get tested for it? No, I probably have it for sure. I'm scared. I don't want to get tested cuz you have cats, right? Yeah. Yeah. I'm I'm definitely I'm Joey Diaz has 150,000 cats. Yeah. He's for sure got it. All those crazy cat ladies, I guarantee you they have it. Yeah. Yeah. It's a really common thing. I think in France at one point there was something like 30% of the population had toxo. Yeah. Yeah.

134:39Yeah. It's real. We had feral cats. Is that a bacteria then? It's a parasite. It's some sort of a parasite that actually gets its way into your brain. Because that's the crazy thing is what I forget what percentage of your body weight is bacteria, but it's nuts. Staggering nuts off the chart. 15% of your body weight is bacteria. Yeah, we're we're all that see how full of I am. How First of all, find out how many people in America have toxoplasma before we find out. Approximately 30 million. 30 million. Wow. It says it's the number I pull it up. See if Write 50 million. See if I How do I remember that wrong? Uh right. 50 million people in America have toxop plasma. 20 of them died. Oh my god. I don't think it kills you unless you wreck motorcycles. Right. But Sapolski was um he was uh studying its effects on people and trying to figure out like they don't really know what it does to

135:30people. There's just this correlation between motorcycle accidents. That's another thing that says that up to 60 million people could have it. So Okay. 60 million people just in America. Just in America. In other countries, like in some South American countries, it's very high. And uh you know, it might have been just something that people have been living with forever. This is there's some sort of a weird connection that we have to these organisms. And in this one, it it rewires the sexual reward system of rodents. Changes their reward system. It makes their dick hard for cat piss so that they go near the cat so they get killed. So they can transmit it to people cuz cats hang around with people. I mean, assuming that that's the the chain of events. Yeah. a man. Jesus, look at that. 1 to 3% of the body's mass in a 200lb adults is 2 to six pounds of bacteria, but also play a vital role in

136:18human health. Wow. Human body contains trillions of microorganisms, outnumbering human cells by 10 to one. Damn. What? So 3% of the body's mass, but they outnumber human cells just because of the size. Because they're small size. However, the microorganisms make up only 1 to 3% of the body's mass. It doesn't make up as much of the mass, but you are outnumbered. Human cells are outnumbered 10 to one. That's like if there's every one rat for every person on a ship and there's, you know, 10 people. Think of that. I mean, that's a infested rat filled ship. Well, some of the bacteria is good. Some of it is. Yeah. But I'm just saying you're mostly rats. Yeah. You're like, "What is that? A ship of people?" Well, there's some people on it. Yeah, you're right. It's mostly rats. I mean, it's mostly rats. rat ship. That's what we are. I mean, if you had a hundred people and a

137:18thousand rats on a ship, would you say that's a full of people or ship full of rats? It's a ship full of rats and a poor bunch of poor trying to get some sleep. Yeah, we're just bags of bacteria. We're bags of bacteria and we don't understand a lot of it because it is it's so small and it's mysterious. Well, how about probiotics? That's how recent is that where people have figured out that you have to take in healthy bacteria in your body. Take it every day. Two decades, three decades. I mean, when did figure that out? When do people start taking probiotics? Like you take them every day, right? Yeah. I I take in a live form. I like mostly in um I like to eat either kimchi or sauerkraut. I do that and in kombucha. I drink kombucha every day. Oh, you stuff. Oh, I love it. Yeah. We always keep it here, too, if you want one. Wow. We always have it here. I

138:06drink that the real stuff that you have to have an ID to show. Yeah. The GT's kombucha is the because it's over one half of 1% alcohol and you can't get drunk. But 1/2 to 1% alcohol, you have to be 21 to buy it. Oh, it's that strong. Mhm. Over one half of 1%. And it's made out of like dairy, right? It's like raw dairy. No, no, no. That's kefir. That's a different thing you're thinking of. And kefir is like a grain. There's a grain involved, too, somehow. I don't understand really how kefir is made. Somebody's explained it to me and I just blanked out, but it's a fungus. It's kind of like a fungus. Um, it's a growth. It's some sort of a thing. Um, kombucha. Yeah. I used to make it. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When I first came to uh LA, I actually, this girl that I was dating got me a piece. She got me like a live organism. She told me how to do it. And you get like a bowl,

138:53like a glass bowl, like one of them big punch bowls, and you fill the bowl up with sugar and water. And I forget what the other ingredients are, but you stir it all in, make it dissolve, and then you put the fungus in there, and then you put it in the refrigerator or you leave it on the counter. I don't remember what. How much fungus do you think? You leave it on the counter. You just put like a chunk. Yeah. But, you know, you have like a piece of this stuff. And the longer you let it ferment, the stronger the kombucha is going to be. And then I would take it and I would pour it into like this uh big like bucket and then drink it. It's and I was like it's too much of a pain in the ass because you couldn't buy it anywhere back then. Yeah. Like the only way you can get it in 1994 unless you knew some like super hippie health food store that sold it most of the time you

139:33got it from other people. And I was like does this even work? Like do I what am I even doing? Is this even good for you? But I was like oh she might be right. Wow. Yeah. Kombucha every day or every day you have that or sauerkraut? Yeah. Well, kimchi, sauerkraut, too. I like sauerkraut, raw sauerkraut. But kimchi is huge. Super high in probiotics. It's like fermented cabbage. So, it's all like organisms in there. It's all the growing. My stomach feels distended. And somebody told me that the probiotics can help that. There's probably a lot of bacteria in there. Could be. Do you drink uh do you take in a lot of sugar? Do you eat pasta or pasta? Yeah, that's sugar. Unfortunately. Yeah, I know. And I I try to take I have a bagel every morning and then I try to never have pasta, but unfortunately all that yummy delicious Like every now and then I'll let myself have like a

140:28a giant pastrami sub. Yeah. Oh, you know on Italian bread with mustard and Swiss cheese and love it. But you feel like afterwards cuz your body has to process all that sugar, right? All that bread is terrible for you. So, you just eat vegetables and uh meat for the most part. Yeah. I mean, I around. I don't I I don't have a totally strict diet. I have a mostly strict diet. You eat rice sometimes. Most of the time, no. But sometimes, like I'm having sushi, I'm like, "Fuck it. Let's live." Right. Mo, but if I'm not feeling that, I'll either peel the sushi off of the um off of the rice and just eat it like sushimi. Yeah. But I'll eat like one out of every three. I'll eat the rice. You just got to if you're on a diet where your body's fat adapted, if it's burning off fat, as soon as you tip the scales and you have too many carbohydrates, it's like, "Fuck it. We're going back to

141:21carbohydrates." And then you get tired easy. You get hungry easy. It's like it it with your system. Once you start getting that fat adapted state, it's hard when you're out though to eat a decent lunch that doesn't have carbs in it. Everything's a sandwich. Salads. Yeah, she got to eat salad. Salads with chicken. Salads are salmon. Salmon's really It's got oils in it, healthy oils. Ask them for olive oil. Pour the olive oil on the salad. Nothing wrong with balsamic vinegrett either, but uh you know, like most salad dressings are Yeah. Most salad dressings are just nonsense and sugar and like you drink like if you have like a delicious French dressing. Like why do you think it's delicious? It's dessert. Yeah. You're eating dessert. It's dessert ketchup that you pour all over your salad. Or my kid eats granola bars all day and I'm like, "Dude, that's a candy bar." Yep. It's

142:08just sugar. Doesn't seem like it. Seems like you're eating oats, being all healthy and right? You're just as better off eating a Snickers bar. Yeah. Same Um, kind of. What about fruit? Somebody Somebody told me that not all fruit is good to eat because it's got too much sugar. Well, fruit of today, we have to really realize when everybody's using these terms GMO, and this is something I've looked into pretty heavily, and I had this guy Kevin Fulta on my podcast who's a food scientist, and he's kind of explaining why people have a lot of misguided misconceptions about GMO foods. He's like, essentially everything's GMO. Like everything has been in some way or another modified that you're eating. Whether it's tomatoes that have been modified to stay on the shelf longer, whether it's oranges that are modified to be far more juicy and delicious than I've ever been in the past. Apples,

142:52they're like we're talking about apples. It's like old somebody else was just talking about this recently. Like who was that? I don't remember, but I looked it up. There are thousands of different apples. I was I didn't pull it up during that podcast, but there's only like five now or maybe 12. Used to be thousands of different app. Was it Rob? Wasn't it Rob? I think it was Rob Wolf. Rob Rob Wolf is a biologist. Some pretty was he what is what the is this? Bio bio something some scientist character. Really smart guy. But he was explaining that they all used to be like crab apples. They all used to be like kind of sour and you could eat them. You remember crab apples when you were a kid? Sure. We'd throw them at each other, right? Throw them at cars. Mhm. They were little tiny things. They're green and they were sour as You could eat them. You'd eat them if you

143:31were really hungry, but most of the time you wouldn't eat them. Yeah. That's apparently what apples used to be. Those were wild apples. And then people went, "hm, if I just take this and do that." And I don't know how they do it, but they figured out how to splice things and change things and selectively breed certain plants. And they came up with different strains. That's why corn looks the way it looks. Old school corn was like the size of a hobo's dick. And it was it was all naughty and up looking. It was like four inches long. So it's a little tiny thing. And then did it taste the same? No. I mean, it's a hobo's dick. No. Hobo's dicks are weird, man. They're so variable. You never know what you get. It could be a recent hobo. Could be like that guy who punched you. Just old school snot blowing veteran. His dick tastes like battery acid. Those are It's a dick

144:20that's been through the Pacific Southwest. If a guy's just doing meth all day and he comes in your mouth, what do you think that tastes like? Cuz if they say that like a guy drinks orange juice, his tastes better, right? Have you heard that? Yeah. Whenever I heard that, I was like, "How many dicks do you have to suck before you figure that out? You get away from me." Do you hold your a scientist? He's sucking dick with a lab coat on, taking notes. H asparagus not recommended. Swishing it around in your mouth like you're a wine connoisseur. That's something you always hear, right? If a guy eats pineapples, if a guy eats pineapples, his tastes better, right? But conversely, if you're just doing nothing but smoking meth, your loads have to taste like hot death. Yeah. And it doesn't And it's lumpy. Like pesticide. Your loads taste like Roundup. It's not good when you have to chew it.

145:20It's not much either. It's like like a Hershey's Kicks. Swallow it. I got to chew it first. I got to chew it first. Oh, Then she's immediately tripping on meth. She's out of her mind. Do you remember when that actor the is his name? Tom Seismore. And when Tom Seismore went off the rails Yeah. and did a porn Yeah. And like they would play his his thing on Opie and Anthony all the time cuz when he was coming he's like, "Oh, just a cracked out load. There's nothing like a cro like the sound of a man orgasm where he knows he's just off the rails. Is off the rails on meth making a porn. He was in Saving Private Ryan. Here he is. That's as primal as it gets. It's like the pure id being expressed. Yeah. Look at him. Just Can you play it? No. No, it's illegal. Can't even show you this. It's illegal for you to play the audio. Can't show this. He was a madman. He was

146:29a mad man. Wait, how do you decide which clips you're allowed to play? There's a tit on that, so can't play that. Get it away. Get it away. Get it off. Get it off. Get it off. Get it off the screen. Get her off the screen. I met him a long time ago. I did a show on VH1 called The List. I was the host of it. I got to I mean, you were the host of the list. I was a host. One of the list they rotated rotated people. So, I think I did two maybe three episodes, but one of them was I got to meet Rob Halford. I got to meet Rick James. Rick James was a Michael didn't do nothing to them kids. He was like, we were talking about it and one of the gals from Baywatch was on the show as well and she was a mom. God, I can't remember her name. Very, very pretty girl. I forgot her name. Married to Nikki 6. No, I don't think so. I remember which one she was. Anyway, very nice girl. Gina something

147:22or another. Anyway, um she was it came up in some way, shape, or form and she was like, "I don't buy it. I don't buy it." And he's like, "Michael didn't do nothing to them kids. Michael didn't do none of them kids and that's all Let me tell you something. That's all bullshit." And Rick James had been up partying all night. So when he showed up, like we were warned that he might not be able to do it. Like he got there and they, you know, you could tell he just been up, you know? He's like, "Mom, I'm I'm suffering from some sort of a cold, so if I can't do this, I can't do this." And we were like, "Hey, man, do what you can do. Do what you can do." But he went out there and plowed through like a trooper. Wow. Yeah. But uh he was defending Michael Jackson. Michael didn't do nothing. But Michael, what's his face? Tom Seismore came on and he had slippers on. He had

148:07like slippers and a bathrobe. I don't remember what he wore when he sat down, but I remember he showed up with slippers and a bathrobe. I'm like, "This guy, he was just right when he was just going off the rails." Yeah. Like right when he was going, it was supposed to be him and Val Kilmer and Val Kilmer was out partying all night and then he was with him and he's just like Val Kilmer was like, "Fuck it. I'm not going." So like last night Val Kilmer was going to do the list. Yes. Val Kilmer was off the rails. Don't you remember when Val Kilmer got huge fat and went crazy? That's right. He did a play, remember? He did a play for a while and every was like, "What the is Val Kmer doing?" Partying. Yeah. He was just going off. He was just having fun. And it was during that time that Seismore showed up. He's a very nice guy. Yeah. Super nice guy. Meth, huh? I don't know what

148:51he was doing. He was doing a bunch of But then he wound up on Celebrity Rehab, remember? Oh, okay. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Several seasons, was he? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's right. He was on with Heidi Fleece. Like Heidi Fleece was like his girlfriend. Yeah. That celebrity rehab show. Could you imagine if you try to do that today? Like, oh, they don't do it anymore. No. It's You're exploiting people. It's the worst time you could ever have someone in front of cameras when they're their most vulnerable. Yeah. They are recovering from addiction. Like, do you don't think that that's an impediment to recovery? Putting them on camera, following cameras around them while they're trying to detox and figure their life out and you're giving them massive amounts of attention. You're putting them on shooting schedules. You got lav mics on them and and they start having affairs. You encourage it when

149:36you're supposed to discourage it. It is crazy. It's everything that AA is not. It's the opposite of anonymous. Do you ever hear Doug Stanhop's bid on it? No. Doug Stanh Hope tortured Dr. Drew. Tortured him. And he's 100% right. Yeah. Like some look, they allowed that show to happen. Dr. Drew figured like look, I'm a competent doctor. I'll take care of it. I'll make sure everything's fine. And at least it'll expose like you could rationalize it. ill exposed to people what it's like to, you know, go through this and you see celebrities and movie stars going through this, but a lot of it wasn't celebrities and movie stars. It was like sort of celebrities like Angie Dickinson. Yeah. Where there's some guy in the show was some young guy famous brother. Oh, was he on? I think so. I shouldn't say that. Julia Roberts, Eric Roberts was on. Was he? And he was on for for Pot. It was hilarious. Oh,

150:24god. Everybody else is all up. This dude's He's got a newspaper out. He's drinking coffee. Good morning. Every They're all their shakes. They're all themselves, sweating through the night. He's like going through zero withdrawals. He's literally reading the times over a cup of coffee with his feet up on the beach. They're in like Malibu somewhere in some serene environment. Right. Well, that's the thing, too, is like when you go to these rehabs, that is expensive. And it's like a resort. You're getting like you're going to do yoga, then you do a meditation, maybe you get a massage, you're drinking all like green green blended drinks. And meanwhile, who's paying for it? All the people that didn't have all the fun partying. Um I think you're paying for it. Pay for it. Who pays for it? The state only pays for so much, right? No, but I mean, say you say your brother gets all up.

151:16You send him to rehab. You're paying for it. Oh, that's the worst. If you have a brother that's a coke addict and you have like say if you have a family and your wife's like you're not paying for it. Greg, Greg, he's got to get his together. Okay, the we need that money for Johnny's college. Yeah. You're like, look, he's my brother. Hey, this is the fourth time he's gotten up in two years. And then your wife's like, "Let's just kill him. Let's just kill him." You know, your brother's a loser. Let's kill him. Let's take out Boston University life insurance. Yeah. Not only we get rid of him, we make a couple bucks on the back end. Thank you, brother. Let's take him fishing. Club him over the head. Throw them in the ocean. Godfather style. How many people have done that? How many people have killed loved ones they thought were losers just for a life insurance policy? Oh, all the time. All

152:02the time. Yeah. If you like if you could see like the numbers of how many people have killed loved ones for money. Like money. Yeah. I mean, they that's what that whole uh dark internet is about, you know, getting a hitman to take out your uh your husband. That's why my I got a $1 million insurance policy for my wife. Any more than that, she wants me gone. It's a good point. You know, 1 million lets her get get her together. Does she You don't have to pay taxes on that anymore. That's one good thing for Trump. The key is you you set up a shell like we have a shell that it would pay into. What I'm thinking is actually inheritance tax. Inheritance tax. Like if your kids inherited your money, right? Like if you left your kids $500,000. Yeah. Your kids would have to pay off half of that to the government. So they really would only get 250. And the government, Uncle Sam like, "Yeah, I

152:55like my cut." That's right. I like to take my cut. I like to wet my beak. Meanwhile, Trump's right. He's like, "Well, this is up because that money's already been taxed. Like somebody earned that money. It's given to you as a gift when they die." Like, you shouldn't have to pay. It's not earned income. Well, first of all, it's only over 1.8 8 million for a couple. And my feeling is $1.8 million. What do you mean? That's the you don't pay any inheritance tax on under $1.8 million. True. Yeah. So to me it feels like the framers of the Constitution had come from Europe where money had been handed down through generations, aristocracies, useless, wasteful, dangerous And when they set up the constitution, they said we need to have an estate tax to try to keep the money from all ending up in the hands of a few families. And so I'm all for it. I think that, you know, if you end up with more

153:46than $1.8 million, your kids are set as well. They their educations will be set. That's a down payment on a house. And then let them earn their way. That's a good point. Actually, I never thought about it that way. You know what I didn't think actually honestly is where does that or I did think rather that that I have the problem with is the money is going to go to the government. That's the problem is where does the money go. Yeah. It'd be one thing if you had inheritance tax and it went towards a worthwhile charity like you should be able to pick you should be able to pick your charity. Absolutely. That's the way to do it instead of giving it to the government and they spend it as they wish. They don't even have to have a receipt. They don't have to have an audit of what they do. Well, you look at what Warren Buffett is doing now. He's giving it away before he dies.

154:26That's what you got to do. If you want to control where it goes, give it away. Save a couple million cuz that's what your kids will get and give the rest away the way you want to. He's basically giving it all away. 99% of it. That's so insane. He's there's a documentary about him that's really crazy. I mean, this guy like he literally lives in the same house he bought when he first moved to to Omaha, Nebraska. Now, how's that possible? Like, how who who watches his house? Like, people must want to kidnap him all the time. These guys right there on the street. They show a picture of it. Does he have like guards? No. Come on. He drives through the same McDonald's every morning. Does he? And he either gets an Egg McMuffin with sausage or the Egg McMuffin with bacon depending on if the stock market is up or down. Oh, Jesus. And he he knows the exact He goes, "It's $168. I have that

155:12exact exact amount of money." Uh he's nuts. He's like really just flies commercial. Yeah. He takes coach seats, right? I think so. Jesus Christ. drives a old shitty ass car. It's I don't know. It's old, but it's like nothing. It's a nothing car. Maybe people don't believe he's that rich. Maybe that's why they don't rob him. I think he's like the fifth richest person in the world or something. Well, I think public person I think the real issue is like those Saudi Arabian Arab prince dudes. You don't have to report their income. Yeah. Make that oil cash, son. Yeah. Make that deep oil cash. Send their kids to New York City. They're living in five floors of an apartment building. What was that thing you were telling me before before the podcast started about Eric Prince who used to be the head of Blackwater? There's some news story that just broke out about the United Arab Emirates. Oh,

156:05right. Um arranging some sort of meeting. They were setting up some some back what do they call backwater communication between Trump and uh a major um Russian official who's got close ties to Putin and the Blackwater guy was orchestrating the deal. It's in the it's in the Washington Post right now and it's and it happened on J fake news. It happened the first week of January right before right before he took office. Whoa. Whoa. back channel in some island, the Sichelles Islands. So they met there. Yeah. Who? So who met? Uh this someone from the administration. This guy Eric Prince, right? Who's the founder of Blackwater? Does not get much more evil than that. Well, he had they changed the name to something else and then he moved to I think the United Arab Emirates. Oh, is that right? became like the security guy for the United Arab Emirates. Oh yeah. They like essentially have their

157:12own army of highle mercenaries. They were meeting to explore whether Russia could be persuaded to curtail its relationship with Iran, including in Syria. I think what happened with the Eric Prince guy is that once the uh Arab Spring started going down, some of those super rich guys are like, "Uh yeah, let's uh let's not have this happen over here." Yeah. let's let's put together a serious strategy. And so they went with that guy. They had so much they had so much money. So much money. Well, who knows how much money they have? That someone told me they have trillions, but I don't know if that is that documented. I don't know. What's the richest person in the world is not like the richest public person. Like the richest public person used to be Bill Gates and then it was some Mexican uh telecom guy. Oh yeah. Remember that dude? Yeah. But it's also um it's I think the money is spread

158:05out through these royal families and none of the money goes to the Saudis, you know, the citizens. No, they don't get any of it. There's these royal families that have hundreds of members and the money all gets filtered throughout the family. Crazy. And they each have nine kids. And what's crazy is that that didn't used to be the case till like what the 50s or 60s like whenever they established these these empires. Is that right? that kind of money. They weren't getting oil out of there. They once they started getting oil out of there, they just like you ever seen the growth of Dubai over the past 30 years. Oh yeah. Like a time lapse images of the growth of Dubai. Islands pop up out of sand bars. They make islands. They make their own islands and they have an ocean break to stop the islands from getting swamped. But one of the uh major there's a huge

158:53highrise on one of the islands. It just sank like five feet into the sand. Oh my god. Oh my god. They built a high-rise on sand. Oh my god. Yeah, it just keeps sinking. It's going to go le leaning tower pizza style. What do they do? Demolish it. You know they bring girls from the US over there. Holla from Russia. They say you want to from Russia, but I hear I hear stories about US girls, too. Go over there to get that paper. They think they're going to go get a little uh that paper. Going to date one guy. You're going to date a whole family. Well, you ever heard with the Salt New Brunai, how he used to rock it? No. He used to have a disco in his house and he would pay these girls extraordinary amounts of money, stay there for months at a time. He'd have like 50 of them there. Mhm. And he would just come down and go, "You let's do it." And he would just come down the

159:46disco just slide down the railing in his gold underwear and just start dancing. Wow. And just pick one and throw the dick to her and then go, "I'll see you in a week or so." And then they would just stick around, do whatever they had to do. They'd go to the gym, work out, get their toes done, and he'd pick a new one all the time. Wow. He just had so much money. He just One prostitute was like, "E, that's not good enough." Yeah. I want girls who are not prostitutes to become prostitutes. Yeah. So, he just went deep. What about Melania Trump? How dare you? That's the first lady. Son of a It's equal payday, bro. She's going to get the equal pay when she divorces him. She's waiting to divorce that You know that. Oh, she doesn't even want to live with him. She doesn't want to live with him. She's like, "Listen, our son, he's only 10. Can't kick him out of the

160:38school. He's got to stay in the school. 10-year-olds can't move." No, they can't move. They can't move to Washington to be near a dad who grabs women's and admits it. Or who's the president? Someone said something really funny. I forget who it was. They said, "Is that the first lady or is that a flight attendant on the first flight to Mars?" Yeah, she's uh she's living with a lot of mixed feelings right now. Jesus, look at her ring. Yeah, look at that ring. Good lord. She grew up in a mud town in Eastern Europe. Dude, that ring is insane. That ring is like How much is that ring worth? Let's guess. Let's take a guess cuz I'm sure it's on the internet. I would say her ring is worth $5 million. I'm going with 20. Really? $20 million. Find out. Find out. Young Jamie, I got bold as right there. I hope you notice that. 20 million. Alyssa Milano calls out What is she calling out?

161:35Melania Trump's giant diamond rings in official portrait. Why is she calling out the rings? What? Come on, Alyssa. What's she getting mad at? Some blood diamonds. She didn't Is that what it is? 25 karat $3 million ring. Damn, I'm so wrong. What did you pick? I said five. It's 25 carat. 25 carat. So, what is a Milana? What's her problem? I It's too baller. She can't handle it. I heard Melania met Donald on Island, which is one of these islands. It's real. Yeah. They bring uh Eastern European women there and then billionaires show up and they all just We got to get richer. Dude, you want to go to Island? We got to get an invite. If it all goes sour, we're going to block Island. If it all goes wrong, your wife leaves you. Mine leaves me. We're like, look, dude, not getting any younger. Yeah. Listen, who cares what everybody says? Let's go to Island. Then we start

162:35going and after a while, it's just like, dude, what are you doing Tuesday? You want to go to Island? All right, he'll go to Island. Dude, we'd be barbacks on Island. That's what we do. We would be hoping that they would we would be able Look, all we have to do is we work there. We get a job there. I'll carry the ice. You carry the beer. Come on, dude. We're definitely going to You and me on island drinking Miller Lightite on the beach going, "We got to get out of here. They took our passports though. Fuck." But we'd be laying down the real dick cuz these billionaires can't and these women would be getting horny after a while. You think so? These billionaires are on Viagra and meth and they're just slamming it in. Yeah. They probably have helmets on like exoskeletons and make them harder, right? Like some sort of an artificial spine that connects at the shoulders

163:21like a football outfit. And you hear the hydraulics while they're just slamming in this Viagra methue dick. They get a doctor that's right there taking vitals at all times. They just have enough Viagra. So, they're they're their veins pump up so fat and thick that they almost black out. It's like a fine line. You got to get them to right to the edge where they they're seeing like those You ever get punched and you see stars? They see those stars while they're almost going out, right? That's what they're doing. And then when they come, they just throw them an oxygen mask on them and rub their feet. When they come, they throw the girl right off the yacht. You're spent. She's like a spent cartridge. And they they have like floaties on. The girls wear floaties cuz they know it's coming. They swim to shore. They collect their check. They get on a plane. They don't say They don't say In the

164:22water. It's just a bedet. Clean out the undercarriage and send her send her home. All a sudden home girl's got a Jaguar convertible. Where'd you get that Jaguar? Whatever. I think it's darker than that. I don't think you leave island. You just stay. I think as as as the guy is blasting his last dribble inside of you, you feel a cold barrel of a handgun on the back of your head. Jesus. They just bury you on Island. That's it. I guess if there's certain countries, obviously North Korea, right? That guy's killing people left and right. You can get away with killing people in certain countries like 100%. Yeah. Like he killed his half brother. He killed who did Kim Jong-un. Oh yeah. He hired someone to do that and they apparently they didn't know they were doing it. Apparently they were doing a prank. They thought they were doing a prank and they squirted him with

165:08something. It turned out to be some neurotoxin that zapped him and killed him. But um he killed some guy who was a general and then he cuz he thought that it it was like his uncle that he thought was trying to usurp. Yeah, I remember that. Right. Then he killed his kids too cuz he didn't want his sons taking revenge. So he killed his sons. Wow, that's hard. So that's going on right now. If that's going on, someone could shoot some crazy Croatian chick on Island. Oh yeah. Someone should do a documentary on Island. Now that's allegedly, by the way, just in case the president is listening. I bet he didn't. He's a outstanding man. How do you think he met her? Perfect grooming. He met her on a J date. She swiped right. Is it right, right, or left? Which one? Right. She swiped right. He swiped right. Parties party began. They met up at a Starbucks for a coffee date first. Keep it safe.

166:03Oh, see she's upset of the Kim Jong-un offered no trace of him left behind down to his hair according to sources in Soul, South Korea. Whoa. The vice minister of the army was executed with a mortar round for reportedly drinking and carousing during the official mourning period for Kim Jong-'s death. Oh, holy The vice minister of the army. They shot him with a mortar round. This is a different guy. Holy man. Drinking and carousing during the morning period. Oh my god. They use an anti-aircraft gun. Following the mortar round method, it seems that Kim stepped up his blood lust a bit with his use of an anti-aircraft gun. Anti-aircraft guns to annihilate his perceived enemies. He used anti-aircraft guns on people. No And on that note, folks, it's been a wonderful podcast. I hope you uh wherever you are, I hope you're happy. Hope you're happy you're not in North

167:06Korea. And if you're in North Korea, just got to learn how to swim. Hang in there. We'll be there soon. Get to South Korea. Got to swim. Got to make the jump. Greg Fitz Simmons coming up soon. Uh Helium and Philly. Helium and Philly. Denver Comedy Works. And uh Greg with Fitzogradio.com. radio is the podcast. Joe Rogan's going to be on soon. Holla. This is probably our best podcast ever. This was good. I howled. Yeah. All right, folks. That's it. We'll be back tomorrow. Um, who do I have tomorrow? Tomorrow. Oh, Dan Flores. I'm very excited. The author Dan Flores, Coyote, uh, investigator, author of Coyote America and, uh, American Serengeti. So, that should be great. See you. Bye. Yeah, that was awesome. Thank you.