Joey Diaz (Part 4)

00:00over the place, but he was making so much money, he couldn't fucking clean it. It was 1984. It was too fast. Wow. And they fucking blew. Can you imagine that getting blown up in a fucking pipe bomb? That's when you know somebody knows what they're doing. And he didn't die right away. The metal went up in his ass. He stayed awake for fucking hours suffering. The metal went up in his ass. From the plate under the Jeep and shit. They all have those crash plates in Colorado. They all have those plates. Those plates work against you when you have a bomb under your fucking car. So the plate went right in his fucking Cooley, so he was just bleeding. That's fucking crazy when somebody kills you with a car bomb and shit. That means you did something bad, bro. They slice your fucking throat. You got to be a ghost after somebody slices your throat. You'll never rest.

00:46You can't rest in fucking peace. You got to be something. You're a ghost haunting the woods forever. Haunting somebody. You're hunting Colombians. You're hunting fucking Brian Redman. What's up, Brian Reichel? Do you believe in ghosts, Joey Diaz? Fuck yeah. Do you really? You ever seen it? Spirits. I don't believe it. I seen something at the comedy store. One thing. Not, I didn't see the door ringing. I didn't see nobody walking with, not a head on. I mean, I've heard a lot of stories from the comedy store. And then I've been around people who passed spirits as a young child. In fact, I went to see the lady when I went home last week. Yeah? When I was a kid, I seen her do some wild shit. What'd you do? When I was about, when I was about eight, you know, my mother had a bar. And all these people were coming to shake her down. You know, cops were coming. Nice guys.

01:30Just white guys come in. That's part of the business when you have a bar. You know, somebody gets stabbed, you want the cops there first, you got to give an envelope, you know. And then after about three months, this guy started coming. He was a Cuban guy who looked like Serpico. But he would come in and break the Cubans' balls. He went after Cubans. He went after Cubans in 76 and 75. He went after them heavy. And he would come into my mother's bar and insult them and fuck you motherfuckers, I want a bigger envelope. Next time I come, that type of shit. So one day I went in there after school, and he was yelling and screaming in there. And I didn't like this fucking guy. He was younger, and he had a beard, and he was a weightlifter type dude. So about a couple weeks later, I go to the bar, and it's all these Cuban guys. They had a bar on 38th Street. They had their Brindies.

02:14These were all Cuban bookmakers that my dad knew. My stepdad knew them. My mom knew. Nice fucking people. And there was this lady. I played basketball with a kid. The kid was a boxer. His name was Jose Torres. Their uncle's the fucking dude. That's their uncle. Jose Torres. He's a boxing ref or something, big boxing official. That's their uncle. This is their nephew. They're Puerto Ricans. That was the guy that was a light heavyweight champion, right? You know, he's something big with boxing. This is his nephew. I grew up with their nephew. They were basketball players. I think that's what I'm talking about. Isn't he the one that wrote the book about Mike Tyson? He kind of grew up with Mike Tyson and kind of wrote a tell-all book about him. It was kind of shitty. No, no, this is the ref. Joe Torres. Yeah, this is Jose Torres, the referee from the 70s. I'm thinking of the wrong guy.

02:59I think this guy even reffed like he was the one that did our fight when they were trying to stop it. Duran against, when they were trying to stop it. We got to look it up. Duran against who? Duran against that fight when he killed the guy in the ring. Then the guy died two weeks later, but he took his spirit away. What's the fight we always talk about when Duran had? Oh, Davey Moore. Davey Moore. Yeah. I think he had something to do there. He died years later. He died in a car accident. In a car accident. With a fucking jack fell on top of him. Yeah, yeah. Something creepy. crushed, but he, yeah, Duran took his spirit. Took his spirit. Yeah, that happens to guys, man. Julio Cesar Chavez, when he fought Meldrick Taylor, there's no question about that fight. Meldrick Taylor got his spirit taken. Chavez took his spirit. He hurt him bad, too, physically,

03:39like he was never the same physically, but he was also never the same psychologically. To go through that crazy-ass war, and to be boxing the fucking ears off the guy at first, then eventually the guy just slowly wears you down, slowly wears you down, and then, boom, stops you in the 12th. with like seconds to go. They stop the fight. Like that's a crushing blow, a devastating blow. You know, that's a, to have the referee look at you when there's like, what is it, like two seconds left in the clock and the referee shakes him off and Chavez wins. Like what? What? That's like a spirit crusher. We're talking about the fucking spirit with Jose Torres. So what happened? So we were kids and once a month this lady would pass a fucking spirit in the house. She would pass a spirit? She was a mom. Now, this lady was a mom. I used to watch her. She was a mom.

04:25She used to drive her kids around to different basketball games and shit. Her husband and her were separated. She wasn't a boozer. She never really cursed. I would go in the daytime, and she would make sandwiches for you and stuff like that. She would take the kids to church on Sunday. So I used to watch her. My mother once told me, that lady passes a fucking weird spirit once a month or some shit. And people go over there, and you bring her money or gifts or whatever the fuck you bring her. And she talks to you. She talks to you? Yeah. with the spirit. So one night we went over there. Now, how long you know me? A long time. Look at me. I don't fuck around. Look at him, Joey. Shut the fuck up, Brian. I don't fuck around, dog. You don't fuck around. When I talk to you like a man, I talk to you like a man. This is fucked up, but I'm going to tell you. I'm about eight to nine.

05:08So this one last time I went to the bar and he had them all up at the bar like Popeye Doyle had those people in fucking the French Connection. Remember when he goes in and he said, everybody against the wall. This is like the last time I went in there. And now these fucking Cubans are pissed and my mom's pissed. So we've got to figure something out. Now I knew eventually my dad was going to shoot this guy. I just had a funny feeling of my stepdad or somebody was going to shoot this fucking guy because he was going over his bounds. They felt that he was abusing Cubans, which is even worse when you're Cuban. If he was a white dude or a black dude, hey, it's part of the turf. You're fucking Cuban. We're going to get your ass. So I knew about this and I just turned the other way. One night we go to this fucking lady's house and she's talking to these people and she's got this spirit.

05:51I'm watching this lady. This lady would drink fucking raw alcohol. What's that fucking alcohol? Boonshine? No, the shit that people drink that's 140 proof. Oh. Everclear. Everclear. She would drink Everclear. Drink it and talk to you and smoke a fucking cigar. Oh, my God. And she was supposed to be a black African fucking slave. But she was really a Puerto Rican woman. And she'd talk to you. And she'd drink the fucking shit. And she was talking to my mother. And she came over to me. I was a little fucking kid, dog. And I remember looking at her shit and my pants off. And she took a dish. and she showed it to my mom. It was a white dish. And she took a fucking candle and she took the dish and she put the candle under the dish. She took the candle, she threw it down, she showed the dish to my mother. She said, this is what's bothering you lately. And it was just some fucking thing.

06:34It just looked like some candle design on the thing. Right. She took the dish, she smashed it, and she goes, done! Seven days. I went home, dog. I never thought about this shit again. I was eight or nine. I had G.I. Joes. I was trying to look at my dad's pornos you know what I'm saying? I don't believe this hocus pocus when one day I get out of school and I take the bike and I go to my mother's bar and when I get up there they're all fucking drinking and having a good time at 3.30 and I go what happened? I go you know that fucking cop? they shot him to pieces last night and they shot him up by this place Rapidotaxi it was the first Cuban taxi cab company in the 70s that would deliver blowing the taxis all these geniuses that think they're geniuses now yeah alright the Cubans are doing that in the 70s Union City they would go over the bridge

07:18you'd call from the city to deliver the Studio 54. The taxis would deliver the coke. Come on, dog. This is 74, 75. And the name of the company was Rapido Taxi. You know what Rapido means in Spanish? What? Quick, bitch! Quick? Rapido. Quick! Quick. Quick. Oh, yeah, quick. So I took my bike, Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan, I went up to this fuck. This is brilliant shit. So was the taxi a real taxi company? It was a real taxi company, but they delivered fucking blow. That was the purpose. You think they made money on a $3 toll? They make money delivering the fucking goody-good to the studio. So did they run a real taxi, too? Real taxi. You thought grandmothers could take it from supermarkets? And then you'd go, on the way home, can you get me some Coke? Right. No, no, no. On the way home, you've got to go to the city. They just put a kilo over the city, and they don't get pulled over.

08:02You've got a ride in the city. Why are you pulling me over? I said, I've got Joe Rogan in the back of the car. I'm sorry. Go right ahead. We thought you were doing something else. Meanwhile, there's fucking a bag of fucking blowing the truck. And the cops must have been in on it, too, right? How many of the cops were in on it back then? I don't fucking know. It had to be some, right? I don't fucking know. New York was a different animal then. New York was a different fucking animal then. What the fuck's going on? New York was a different fucking animal then, but you got to remember that it was just a taxi. Nobody thought about that at that time. Well, New York back then was monstrous. That was 20 years ahead of that fucking time. When New York sneezed, bro, everybody else caught a fucking cold. Let's get down to it. They're 10 years behind over here, these fucking savages.

08:38This is a totally different place socially than New York. That's for sure. Right? Don't you think? People are more on the ball there. There's more like There's more con artists and shit There's more clever people Don't you think? There's more fucking douchebags everywhere There's more stone people out here I think Yeah, there's a lot of that But I think that I always say that There's something about the weather man You don't have to deal with the weather You get soft You know Your brain doesn't have to think Think quickly because you have to survive You know When you're in Boston And it's fucking zero degrees out And you get in your car And it goes Woof, woof, woof, woof You're like, fuck, fuck. And you don't have a cell phone, stupid. There was no cell phones back then. So what are you doing? Oh, my God. I've got to knock on someone's door so I don't freeze to death?

09:26You've got to wake some people up because you might freeze to death. Hey, I'm sorry. My car broke down. Can I use your... Dude, you've got to think quicker when you're in that kind of an environment. In California, your car breaks down. You just sleep in the car until the cops come. And then the cops tell you, hey, what's going on? Oh, my car broke down. And they get you a tow truck. And you're fine. You don't have to worry about dying outside. You live in Boston, you've got to worry about dying. That's like some real shit. And that's why they're a little quicker. A little quicker on the take. That sound that you made for doing the car, I was just imagining that's what it sounded like when Joey Diaz had sex. Do you think so? No. Joey Diaz had sex. What's it sound like when you have sex? It's more like this. I told you I was good dick. Did I tell you I'm giving you good dick?

10:11I'm giving you good dick Don't get me started Red band I'll have you know who here in 20 minutes Bitch slapping motherfuckers What's plan B I don't know who He knows who So my dog Twixie Vixen got raped again By a girl dog Your dog is such a whore I gotta pee while you tell this story The person I was with Joey everyone's leaving me because this is my Twixie Vixie story so the person I was with that owned the dog they were like my dog has never A. humped anything and B. my dog is a girl dog so I don't even know why it's like trying to hump your dog's ass because it doesn't have a dick so Joey what do you think about RSS feeds? I have no idea what they even fucking know what you bothered before with that shit I don't know anything about computers you don't know anything about computers? nothing what do you think about RSS feeds? well they're designed to pump out

11:12a like if you have a website it's designed only for or mostly for sending out your website so other applications and other websites can add it to their website and their applications but if you don't want to do that you don't have an RSS feed so I can see you wouldn't want an RSS feed talk to me about something I fucking need You know what I'm saying? Like... Oh, is that real? That's real, bitch. See, now... That's why you agitated. You don't talk... Look at your boys walking right into the floor. I'm a fucking dude. You know what I'm saying? Listen, I had to pee. I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I apologize. I was working on that video game all day today. It smells like gyros. I can't even smell it. I was working on that UFC video game today, and I drink tea when I work on that show. You know, the video game is like It's very, it's like a script

12:07And there's like, I have to pretend that like fights are going on So it's like for hours and hours and hours You're talking at that like really intense, fast And you know, your voice gets really tired So I had to drink a lot of tea So I could not hold in my urine So, what you were saying before I left So rudely, is that your dog's a whore Such a whore that lesbians are raping your dog No, yeah, exactly And like, why, do all dogs Have just the intuition to get on top of another dog and hump it even if they don't have a dick? Because it doesn't make sense. No, it does. My dog used to do that. She was a female pit bull and I had a male pit bull that was a puppy. And she used to get on top of him and hump him. Just like rubbing pussies and stuff. No, no, it's a dominant thing. It's like what she's doing is saying that if I wanted to fuck you in the ass, I could. I can get

12:49to the position where I'm on top of you, I'm stronger than you. Like they jockey for position. You have to almost like, it's a social thing. It's like for a dog to be able to get on top of you and dry hump you, It's not just that he's horny It's also that he's trying to let you know He can do that He can impose himself on you Like my two dogs They have very clear rules Like Johnny's a mastiff He's a big fucking dog And you know He's got this giant fucking head And he's a sweet heart of a dog But the other dog's a bulldog Shibu Inu Bix And the other dog doesn't get no say in shit That's just the way it is They don't fight They don't argue But when I open up the door Johnny walks in first every time Every time The other dog will stop And he'll let Johnny go through first Why? Because Johnny's a 140-pound mastiff. He's fucking huge. So there's just clear rules.

13:35If Johnny wanted to hump Brutus, he could get away with it. But if Brutus tried to hump Johnny, there would be chaos. It would be like, what the fuck? Brutus probably would growl and snap at Johnny if Johnny tried to hump him. But the point is, the other way is absolutely preposterous. It's never going to happen. With animals, there's an alpha, and then there's the ones who give in to the alpha. And your dog clearly is like the most beta dog ever. I know, it's all the Hedonami dog food that we give her. Is that what it is? Hedonami dog food. So I guess the way it works is that they just feel her submissiveness, and they want to mount her. Their instinct is to mount her and dominate her. This old dog I used to have was always a bad dog, and every time it was bad, I would just kind of put her in between my legs and my arm and kind of get in a crouching position

14:21and kind of just put her in between me and hold her. And so I was kind of on top of her. I wasn't fucking her. Right. She was just underneath my belly, like a little cave I would make. I would just sit there for like 10 minutes. And you could tell the dog at first was trying to get out. And then finally just kind of submissives, or just kind of lays down. And then gives up. Dog is just fine. Just walks around. Weird. I don't think you're supposed to do that. I think you fucked up your dog's head. You raped your dog every time it shit on the carpet. Every time it shits on the carpet, you rape it. Well, no, no. It's something I learned kind of from Caesar. Oh, really? Is that what Caesar does? he fucks the dogs after showtime that's that's after night showtime version of it no he he says secret yeah that probably would be the best way to do it yeah he said well he didn't say it like

15:07that he said that you should grab it by the back of the neck and like hold it down yeah for a while but that's pretty much what I was doing I was pretty much getting on top of it and just kind of like getting like yo I am the master here it's the whole dog thing is crazy man you have these animals that listen to you right now like what the fuck or what's wrong with us there's not another animal that keeps animals that they love right you know it's weird and we've got them engineered to be like the sweetest nicest things ever I mean look at your dog dude your dog is ridiculously affectionate right I've never seen a dog that not just affectionate but so needy to her it's like every breath but taking a breath she needs that much attention like it's like as much as she's breathing she needs someone touching her as much as she needs to take in the air she needs someone

15:49to touch her it's like that extreme it's like a stripper or something way worse way worse Is there any animal that has pubic hair? I've never checked I was thinking the other day I was like Wouldn't it be cool if like Animals had pubic hairs And like you'd like trim them Or you could just get a full bush You know like if your cat Well the animal would have to have Nothing else around it I mean they have pubic hair Over their whole fucking body That's basically what's going on Yeah Kind of Sure But I mean like Even like bald eagles If bald eagles have bushes Those are feathers But I mean like Why don't they have What the fuck are you talking about Like bald eagles have penises right? Yes Why are humans the only ones that have pubic hairs? Because we don't have hair on the rest of our body. There's very few animals that have exposed skin. Have you seen my belly?

16:30Very few animals that have exposed skin. That ain't shit, dude. If you were a coyote, I would take you to the vet. I'd be like, this poor thing is dying. Look, all its hair is missing. What you think is hairy is only hairy to a hairless person. I'm covered in hair, too. You're hairless. You have a little hair compared to the other hairless folks. Why don't monkeys have huge bushes? They do, man. They do? They have pubic hairs They do They don't get long and crazy like ours Because they just have different kind of hair But they have hair around their dick and balls The fuck is wrong with you, son? You gotta do some research Before you come up with these crazy pubic hair theories I mean, they don't have bushes like we do That's what I'm talking about Why do we only have the bush? Because we don't have it anywhere else Joey It would be weird if animals

17:14I mean, the only animal that's like us That has hair in certain parts of his body Is some dogs I just wish all animals had pubic hair Why? Why do you give a fuck about animal pubic hair? Is people worried about people dying of radiation poisoning in Japan And fucking why are we in Libya? The CIA's involved in our life I'm worried about animals Do you think PETA would exist if animals had pubic hairs? Brian, don't make me get Bill Burr here To fucking hit you to have a fucking computer Bill Burr's gonna fuck you in the ass with his laptop He's trading with fucking Brock Lesnar right now He's coming to get you Get into the microphone, bro Me, I'm right here. I'm all right. I'm straight. My voice is fucking too big. I'll blow the speakers up. No, I'm all right. Don't make me call Brock last night. I got your back, dog. All right, all right. What's going on?

17:59Bill Burrow did a video where he fucking talked about the thing. There's a video on YouTube. Somebody's made it six minutes long. He talked about the argument on his own for another six minutes. And at the end of it, he goes, yeah, and I was right. That's the point. That guy is fucking wrong. That little computer guy. He doesn't know about computers. and they're trying to rip you off and take the money for the artist. They never have money for the artist. Fucking RSS feeds. You know what the thing that bugged me the most? Six minutes. Six minutes you're talking about it. This is the thing that bugged me the most. I've met him like four times, five times before, right? He even did, we did a comedy show the following night. Or that night. That night. That night. We did a comedy show. Or no, it was the following night. The following night. And I was like the host of the show

18:45and I'm like, he knew that I'm a comic also. So he knows who I am, right? And if he's not, he's fucking whatever. So on the beginning of the video, he goes, yeah, so there's that guy, the little guy, whatever, the male assistant guy, the guy that turns the nods. Joe Rogan's fucking male assistant or something over there? Yeah. This guy, whatever the fuck he is. Hey, give me a gyro. Come on. But fuck. The thing that bugs me the most is, and I was pretty baked when that argument happened, but the thing that bugged me the most about everything was my whole thing wasn't that I'm like, yeah, what Stitcher's doing is 100% legal. No, what I was saying is if you have something on your website that you put on your website, that is only put on your website if you want to broadcast your stuff. If you don't want that, then take it off your website. It doesn't change anything.

19:36My whole argument is like, why do you have an RSS feed on your website? Why? Why did you put it on there? Are we really having this conversation? What are you doing? No, but I mean... So my argument... Yeah, but my argument... I know what your argument was. You brought it up! Here we go again. No, no, no. I know what his argument is. I know what your argument is. I'm aware of the general details of the disagreement. I know, but how is what I'm saying is that's not a wrong or right thing. That's just a question, actually. I don't care anymore. I don't care anymore. What's way more fascinating to me is how involved you two got. That was way more fascinating. When you're getting attacked and you're just trying to explain RSSP to somebody... the actual issue was minuscule compared to how psychologically captivating it was and how he was genuinely getting upset

20:20and you were getting upset too. And I was trying to mediate because I genuinely did see both sides. I genuinely did. But what I couldn't understand is how you guys were getting so goddamn upset. And then when I would bring it up, people would be like, oh, this is the fucking new spa Joe Rogan. The Joe Rogan from 1994 would have fucking stabbed somebody by now. We didn't even know each other back then, man. You're just assuming. You're assuming I would have done that. Well, you know what? It was just, to me, It was like I've already said the same thing five times. I can't say anything else about that. I couldn't get you guys to stop. It was fascinating. You were like two dogs. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Shut up. Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk. Stop. Stop barking. There also comes to a point where you feel like you're talking to your mom doing email.

21:01That's how I get about certain things. Well, you must have saw his point a little bit. No, I see what he's saying, but that's not what I'm saying. I'm not saying I agree with him or disagree with him on that. He wasn't willing to listen to what you were saying about the whole concept of an RSS feed, which stands for really simple syndication. Right. And what's syndication mean? You want to syndicate. Yeah. What's that mean? You want to spread it out to as many people as possible. Absolutely. So you make it available on your website. Absolutely. But the real problem was. The real problem is iTunes numbers. And that's what he really wants to say is that Stitcher was helping hurting his iTunes numbers. And probably that he doesn't know what an RSS feed, why it's on his website. If he wants people to go to his website, take off your RSS feed. That's all you have to do.

21:44Don't make your RSS feed public. Just give it to iTunes only. Hide your RSS feed, and then everyone will come to your website, and you'll have your iTunes only fixed. Well, we do one better than that. We allow people to download it not just on Stitcher, but I allow people to download it directly. So the moment it goes live, I have a download link. So I don't want you to have to wait so my iTunes numbers will be higher. To me, all that matters is that you get it out there. You don't get cookies for being number three or number four. You know, it's cute. It's nice to see the number. But what's important to me is just that it gets distributed to as many people as possible as easily as possible. Some people don't like fucking with iTunes. There's some dudes who love the Zune, you know? I heard the new Zune's pretty badass. I think they stopped making them, bro. Oh, did they? Yeah.

22:27I light out my ass. I mean, there's some people that have just little MP3 players, those little Flash MP3 players. You know what I mean? You've got to have it available for everything and anybody. You know? Droids and iPhones. Especially when it's a free thing that you just want to get out your podcast to people. You're not doing like Doug Benson where you're charging money. You're just trying to get your podcast to people. Are you just calling out Doug Benson? I can't believe you, dude. No, I mean, the honest thing is the future of podcasts. How are podcasters going to make money? What Doug is doing is pretty interesting. He's charging money now for certain shows. I don't think it's every show. I think he has certain shows. I think Marin does that, too. He has some thing where you become some super member or some shit. Right.

23:07I mean, I honestly think the only way really to make money is to get sponsors. You know? Yeah, that's the way. You've got to get a lot of listeners and get sponsors. That's the way to do it. Right. I agree. Because I think we've just reached this time on the internet. We have to look at the music industry. We have to see, look, the music industry has changed. It's not that people started stealing and taking shit from the music industry. It's that that happened. And there was no way to stop that. So the music industry has to reorganize, refigure out how they do it. And that's going to happen with everything. and you can't fucking stop it. You just got to go with what you think is going to happen. And that's like podcasting. No one knows what's happening with podcasting, but you have to pretty much go with what you can do right now. Well, we also have the luxury of doing other things.

23:50I have the luxury of not having to rely completely on my podcast with the UFC and with doing stand-up, especially with doing stand-up, because the podcast definitely enhances the stand-up. Insanely, and also just look at Philly. I mean, Philly, you just sold out all of Philly, right? Yeah, it's sold out. It's two weeks from now. I mean, when was the last time that happened? It wasn't happening like that before. It's like that everywhere now. Yeah. Seattle last weekend was fucking crazy, man. 1,800 people. And when I asked them, I'm like, how many of you guys listen to the podcast? It was like the whole crowd. It was 100% of the crowd. Do you get that now? Joey, I get people yelling out, dude, Joe Diaz impressions. Marketing has changed completely. And with music, what's really going on with music is that they had to give it away. So now you make money performing.

24:30But these bitches can't perform. Yeah. There's a lot of them that are faking it. Sorry, they can't perform. That's the music artist issue. That's what happened to the music. Music got real, bitch. Auto-tune over their voice and shit. You know, the Allman Brothers could show up with three white guys and fucking rock it. So could Lennon Skinner. There's new bands that can't do it. The all-guided shit don't come through that good. That shit don't come through that good. I want to go see fucking the Black Eyed Peas to sing songs. Four fucking people to sing one fucking song. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom, boom. Really? 80 fucking dollars for the worst ticket to see that nonsense? there's no musicians dog there's not that many the Black Keys are pretty fucking badass so they can't ever listen to the Black Keys yeah but they can't do I fucking love the Black Keys seriously

25:11I can't get enough like anything they do I fucking love they're the shit they're on the right frequency they're on the real frequency well they're real listen they're real musicians they're musicians the guy listen the king of the musicians right now is the guy Dave Groh there's no better musician that's lived it spit it and his band the band the Foo Fighters they're as bad because they're students of the fucking game Prince went to Vegas two years ago and did a show of requests. Really? Can you imagine anything you hit Prince with? He's going to play. Wow. From Willie Nelson to fucking Billy Idol. So people yell it out in the crowd and he would just do it? 500 to take it. God damn. Come and yell, bitch. Errol Smith. And people are going. Performers at the end started flying out there. Just because I want to get on stage, this motherfucker's going, what do you want to hear?

25:53Come together, the Beatles. Ready? One, two, three, four. Bam, bam. Down, down, down, down, down. That's why he was getting a nickel. a fucking ticket. Wow. These tickets are outrageous now for these bands to go on the road. Prince is the real deal. He's a real musical genius, you know? He put out a lot of bad songs, unfortunately. There's a lot of his songs that are just... He was experimenting with everything in the world. They were sucking his dick and he was getting an idea. Oh, he had some great jams, bro. Jam. Jam. I mean, he had chances. So some of them didn't come out. A lot of them were chances. And some of them, he's very self-indulgent, so his style is, you know, and sometimes he gets caught up in what he's doing. But when he hit it, Erotic City, come on, son. Come on. Come on, son. That's a great goddamn song.

26:44That was my, during high school, they were trying to get that as our high school senior song, Erotic City. It was a write-in, you know, so we were all trying to, like, organize it. And then someone listened to it. Someone who worked for the school listened to it. That was the end of that. Oh, it's fucking amazing. He's done some great shit. And that's what's really going on now. So everybody's adopted to this shit. All of my hang-ups are gone. But it's amazing that somebody told me this two years ago. I wish you felt this to him. And I really experienced it last year in Irvine. Last year in Irvine was when I seen the fruition of what you've been doing. Somebody told me that now, because of the internet and Twitter and all the podcasts, that people want the full experience. And I didn't really see it until last July.

27:28If you notice, last July is when I changed everything about my Twitter, my Facebook. I changed everything about it because I paid more attention to it. How come? I understand now where you were coming from. And there's no more. I see what Ralphie Mae's doing. I see what you're doing. He's wasting his fucking time when he flies into a city a week before two days to do radio. That's a waste of time. That's old hat. Yeah, that's old school. You're staying at home. You don't have to do it. The thing about this game is to make the most money for the least amount of work. That's why I don't like flying in the next time. It's not just that. It's not just that. It's communicate with as many people as you can. But you have a wife. You have children. I don't want you in Nebraska on a Monday doing some radio show. For what? Well, I never did that anyway. No, I understand. I would never do it.

28:09Look what you do with a blink of a fucking button. Yeah. You added an extra show in Australia three weeks ago with a blink of a button. Yeah, in a couple hours. A couple hours. Yeah, we put together a show on a Thursday night or whatever the fuck it was. And I've seen the fruition of it. You've been talking about it for years. it all came fruition with the podcast the blog the twitter and you know I've become an expert now at the twitters now I know how to do it more you gotta give them something and then tweet something give them something not every fucking stupid joke that comes out of your fucking mind because everybody thinks if you're a monologist you're gonna die on twitter because you gotta sell the fucking joke if you're gonna make a mind joke on twitter it's not gonna go nowhere sometimes if you talk about your situation on twitter and then talk about a free show or a show

28:52and then your situation it's different I I answer every fucking body on Twitter. I try to fuck with people on Twitter. You know, my Twitter is like, on Facebook, I got more Christians. I got nephews on there. Nieces. I can't, you know, I still throw out the blunt of life. You know what I mean? I don't give a fuck. Get over it, bitch. Every now and then you hit them with it? I got to hit them with something every morning just to wake the morning up. And they got to look at your shit, little 13-year-old. And they go ask their mother. Look what Uncle Joey wrote on his Twitter today, mommy. Uncle Joey. You ain't high by two in the afternoon. Go fuck yourself. That's the truth, dog. Those t-shirts, by the way, folks They're being printed right now If you ain't high by 2 in the afternoon Go fuck yourself We ordered up a couple thousand of them Even if he didn't know Joe Diaz

29:31He would still buy one Because this shirt is that cool It's so strong It's so strong Have you seen the photo? Yeah, I've seen the photo It's such a strong shirt So strong And the saying is so strong Yeah The whole thing behind it When you said it We repeated it like four times Because it was so funny And it was the weirdest thing Because the guy I'm going to tell the story now The guy who was smoking Would have won an Oscar For fucking 3D shit for Star Wars. His name is Dykstra. Oh yeah? And I did Spider-Man 2 and Dykstra was the guy in charge of all the fucking crazy 3D guy. The special effects. The special effects. His name is Dykstra. Not 3D. Whatever it was. Special effects. CGI. And he's a genius. He's a fucking genius when you talk to him. And he has a little daughter. If you watch Spider-Man 2 after I stick up for Spider-Man there's a little girl on the train that says me too.

30:15That's his daughter. And his daughter was telling everybody on the train to suck her dick when she was 12. Suck my dick though. That's my father. shut up, sit down, fuck you. But the only one she dug was me because I would give it to her. You know what I'm saying? Like, what's up? Sit down. Who do you think you're talking to? Joey Bananas? So Ramey, I was so big that they wouldn't put me on the train. They'd just go check in. So I'd come into Spider-Man. I'd check in, and then I'd go eat and go to my room. They'd put me in a room, not even in a trailer. So I would go to my room and smoke pot. I told you about this. I'd go get Ramey. I'd go, Ramey. So I'm going to keep smoking dope in my room. You better get to the bottom of this. and we go Joey I don't know and it was me the whole time so one day Dykes were figuring it out he goes there's nobody smoking Dykes

30:55you think you're getting over on him it's fucking me where is it I go it's behind the building so we go behind the building like one day we're smoking we go behind the building again the one day we're smoking the third day comes some fucking PA comes you know how they get sometimes you're like an older woman like 42 she came back there she's seen us and she goes whatever they're looking for you are you smoking pot? What's wrong with you? And I sat like for a minute I got all like but there is something wrong with me. What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? If you were fucking high you wouldn't be worrying about us not smoking high. It was like 10, 15 in the morning. That's what she meant to say. It's 10 o'clock in the morning. How the hell can you be smoking pot? Are you really smoking pot? Why wouldn't you? And that's when we came up with that thing for a moment.

31:38What's wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with me? What's wrong with you, bitch? You ain't high. That's the fucking problem. If you were high you wouldn't worry about me smoking dope. Yeah, it's a weird thing where people want to stop you from doing something because they think it's an indulgence. You know? That you're being weak. You're indulging. You know? My wife said to me two days ago, she goes, you know what the funny thing is? At 5.30 in the morning, I didn't hear the alarm go off, but I heard you do alarm bomb hit. That's what you know. That's hilarious. My wife told me Tuesday morning, she goes, you know, I didn't hear the alarm, but I definitely heard your bomb hit. You got a bong in the bedroom? I got a bong in the office. In the office. So you step off into the office and fire it up? Oh, when I get up, I brush my teeth, I piss, I put the coffee on, I feed the cats,

32:25and I go right for that. I pray for 10 minutes. You wake and bake like a motherfucker. Not right. I used to wake and bake. That fucks up your whole day. Now you wait five minutes? I got to eat a little oatmeal. I got to eat a little oatmeal to balance out the body. I eat a little cantaloupe to balance out the pH. Yeah. To get the fucking bowels moving. Cantaloupe. I think it does fuck me up. What does? If you shake and bake. It fucks me the whole day. day. It fucks up your whole day. Once you smoke weed, you're pretty much not the same for the rest of the day. I've done it a thousand times. I'm the king of it. I ain't gonna lie to you. But by 11 o'clock, you're like, I fucked up. When you call the doctor's office, you're like, I ain't gonna happen. How many days do you take off on a regular? What take off? Fuck, for what? I took off when I went to prison.

33:03That was long enough. Eight fucking months without smoking weed. I had to pop acid and fucking sneak it around. So you're addicted to it? I'm not addicted to it. I just can't. I'm a head, dog. I'm the real deal. I'm the real deal I'm the head I like to smoke dope that's my bag some people are alcoholics some people like to drink I can't imagine a life without weed I've been smoking since I was 14 have you ever thought maybe because you can't imagine it because you don't remember it no I can't imagine it no first of all red man I'm the real fucking deal I remember everything I know you're the real deal so I just like smoking weed the people I grew the type of person I grew up with when I went to Colorado I was around a lot of heads they like weed they enjoy weed when I got home yesterday and I seen that that thing was 31%. I tweeted it, and 10 people got back to me

33:48that said, go drive up from San Diego. That's a head. That's not a kid that says, oh, my God, I got the, what's the name of that word? Pineapple Express. No, there's certain weed that's got a name that you just smoke it to be cool. Then there's this shit. What's this stuff again called? It's called Matt's Number One OG. Matt's Number One OG. Is Matt like some famous grower or something? No, no, no. Matt is the guy that owns Cush Mart, so when he took over Cush Mart, he bought that brand and wanted it to grow for him. And this is a hybrid? It's a hybrid, and then he's got the Snoop Dogg That's a 28%. This stuff might be the perfect weed. It might be the greatest weed ever. I smoked it, and I realized when I smoked it the other day. I've been going to ANOCC, and I've been buying $50 fucking 8s. And I realized that the pot was good.

34:26And some days when I buy a gram, like by 6 o'clock, half the gram is gone. I'm smoking too much pot. I'm in a bomb. That's too much. When I hit weed, and I remember that. How I started this diet was with Matzo G. When you smoked it in the morning, the sativa would take over your mind so quickly. and I had to get out of the house before my head blew up. And I would have to get on a bike, and I would just get on the bike and pedal because I thought there was somebody chasing me. And that's how I lost 100 fucking pounds on that bike, smoking the Max OG. Because the sativa wouldn't speed you up by cocaine. It speeds you up and it'd control you. And it went from being a sativa into methodically like an indica. It was the weirdest thing. People don't understand that sativa actually makes you ambitious. People think that, it's the people who look at pot and look at people being, you know,

35:09potheads being like unambitious and lazy. sativa makes me way more ambitious it makes me aware of the consequences of not working as hard as you can and how you feel it makes me super sensitive to my own actions positive or negative so it makes me super sensitive to doing things that I should be doing as far as getting work done as far as writing and performing and doing podcasts I don't ever cancel podcasts I'd have to be sick as fuck and I don't get sick very often so we do them sativa makes me hyper aware And when I'm hyper aware, I'm more diligent. So I think it makes me more ambitious. But do you guys think if you wanted to take a month off, do you think you could possibly easily do it? Sure, I've done that. I haven't taken a month off, but I've taken weeks off. I could take a couple days off, but why? Just to see if you could do it. I don't see the fucking part.

35:59What is this, fear factor? Here's the purpose. I've tried. I've thought about it, and I've said, for what? You smoke a shitload of weed, you have to be spending a shitload of money. Let me tell you something. I smoke a shitload of weed and the people around me smoke a shitload of weed. I get it, dog. It's really weird that the people around me are into it like I'm into it, like the tight people around me. Well, we all have fun together. And what people don't understand about marijuana is that they think it's some sort of an escape. It's an enhancement. It's not an escape. We're living in the same world you're living in, man. It's just more fun when you're high. It's really that simple. And it's not ruining your body. It's bullshit. And I'm not saying it's for you. It's putting salt and pepper on your steak. No, it may not be for you. It ain't for you. It ain't for Tate.

36:35Tate can't smoke weed. You know? Stan Hope doesn't like weed. A lot of our friends don't like weed. That's all well and good, man. It's fine. Yeah. I don't like weed. I mean, I've been smoking weed so much that I could take a couple days off. I could take probably a week off. I've probably taken a week off recently. But the idea of taking a month off is so foreign to me that I almost want to do it just to see what happens. Like almost blog about it. You'd become a Republican. You'd start watching Bill O'Reilly. I have no idea. He's right. We do have to be afraid of Mexicans. I haven't stopped smoking weed since 14, 15. I'll tell you a point in my life, in my weed career. I can't write anymore when I get really high. Really? You're like, when I get up in the morning and I get high, it's to go on Twitter and Facebook and make adjustments here and get my day ready. Right.

37:20But like now when I write, I try to be a little straighter. Really? When I work out, I got to blaze, dog. If I can get an edible, I got to get an edible on me. I love working out stoned. That is my life. That was how I did it 30 years ago. It feels great. I love not remembering what set it is And I know my shoulders are on fire You know what I'm saying I love the fact that If I don't get high I'll still work out an hour And I'll still do a good job But if I get high I'll work out an hour 40 It's just a little tighter I'll concentrate on my kicks I'll concentrate on the form Yeah I know what you mean I try to do everything When I kick the bag when I'm high Usually I don't Oh what a great feeling Usually I don't Usually I do it so hard I kick the pole holding the bag My mistake I won't Oh yeah A left roundhouse with the fucking ankle around the pole. Clang.

38:07But I like getting on the bike stone because I don't think about it. I like getting on the elliptical stone. The elliptical stone is a fucking different world. You know how many people roll stoned jiu-jitsu? Oh, you have to. Everybody does. No, no, no. Especially Eddie's classes. Eddie's classes, like, you walk in that room, you smell reefer. Everyone smells like reefer. There's like half of his fucking students are high as fuck when they're taking classes. You eat a piece of banana cake and you go to yoga. Oh, God! My God. Well, do you know that that's what McKenna used to say, that that's what yoga was invented for. What yoga was invented for was maximizing cannabis. It was, these people would be eating cannabis, and when they were eating it, they realized how good it felt when you hold your body in certain positions. You have no idea. You have no fucking idea.

38:51So they came up with this, like, connection to spirituality through eating cannabis and holding these poses, these difficult poses. Fucking amazing. Yeah, because something, I don't know what it is about the energy of the pose that makes you go into some state when you're high as fuck. But it really does. Even when you're sober, man. I've done yoga sober. And after it's over, I felt high. Well, the breathing. The breathing intent. The breathing that's going through your body. You're focusing so much on the breathing. When I go in and I eat a little piece of banana bread. Because it's 8.30 in the morning when I got to go to yoga. Oh, my goodness. So I got to start blazing at 7.30. How long does it take for a banana bread to hit you? 20 minutes. 20 minutes? 25 minutes. and I kick in a little Jaffa J to get everything going. By 10 after 9, I'm in downward dog. I'm in fucking pigeons.

39:35I'm in fucking... And you think about your breathing is so beautiful when you're high. You ever go in the water and you can hear your breathing? Like right now. Yes. Yeah. When you do yoga, if you hear that, you've reached it. Right. You've reached that level and that position. Right. And with the weed, it makes it a lot easier. For me, I'm a loser. I know. I ain't going to lie to you. You ain't a loser. I know what you're talking about, man. But the edible is brilliant. Like I said, that's the reason why yoga may have very well been invented, according to McKenna. He believes they invented yoga to maximize the effects of eating cannabis. I've gotten high playing basketball. I've gotten high lifting weights. There's nothing like eating a little bit of weed and going to yoga, even if it's a basic class, just to focus on your breathing. I do it every Tuesday like tomorrow.

40:24I got to rush and then go to the airport. But I'll do it. I'll eat an edible in the morning because I have nothing else. And it is just fucking brilliant. My body, Randy Parsons, your good friend. Ryan Parsons was at the gym one day at Justin's and there was an argument going on between trainers. And these guys were white guys. They weren't heads. And the guy was saying that he's been telling all his clients to, if please, after their workouts, their weight workouts, to smoke a little reefer. because it's anti-inflammatory and it works better than anything else, even like the lettuce and shit. It pulls the acid out of your muscles. Lettuce? Like lettuce. When you eat lettuce, it pulls the acid out of your muscles. It does? Something like that. Acid does something, lettuce does something after you work out. Oh, okay. Take the acid out of your muscles so they can recover or something.

41:11Well, this guy was talking about... The weed does that? Weed's an anti-inflammatory? Yes. Really? And that they're scared to tell people because we'll go fucking crazy. Well, it kind of makes sense because it's a painkiller. If people enjoy it for pain, it kind of makes sense that it would also be for inflammation. He said it's really good for your joints to do something with the... Well, that's one of the reasons. They prescribe it for arthritis. Arthritis. Yeah. A lot of people that have chronic arthritis, like I've talked to people that said that they literally couldn't move, and then they would smoke weed, and then all of a sudden they could walk around. Like they could function. It allowed them to be mobile. I don't know, man. It makes sense. I mean it helps a lot of people In a lot of different ways It's just a shame that we have to pretend That there's something wrong with it

41:55And people want to think it's not a big deal Like why do you guys talk about weed all the time You're fucking losers Like first of all we're not losers And don't be mean And second of all it is a fucking important issue man It is important we know ourselves How it affects us We know ourselves how much more aware Thank god you turned his mic off right He's still going to hear it But what I wanted from weed But what I wanted from weed 20 years ago is not what I want from weed today. You wanted to escape 20 years ago. I like to, I'm an only child, so I love living in my head, guys. You give me a fuck, you let me get in my head, you're a dead man. Really? Yeah, you let me get in my head. I'm an only child. I'm breaking fucking down in no time. I know what it is to be in a closet playing G.I. Joe's, making up your home world at Disneyland is outside your fucking closet. I'm an only child.

42:41I know how to get the party started in my fucking head. That's why I like being alone. Have you ever noticed that? You give me weed and a night pod, you go fuck yourself. Never mind 2 o'clock. You go fuck yourself. I'm one of those guys. Joey will vanish sometimes. I could go on an island solo. I like, I enjoy, I don't creep out of my skin. Well, listen, man, that's a beautiful quality in comparison to the alternative. The alternative is someone who needs people around them all the time and needs attention all the time. And everybody knows how goddamn annoying that is. I love. It's rare that someone's as extroverted as you, but also, I guess it's just a balance. It's a yin and yang, right? You need that downtime, too. I really enjoyed my, I never enjoyed this throughout my life. I always thought you had to be moving with, and that's what kills people.

43:24People don't make enough time for themselves. Yeah. And what's that? Not a trip to Jamaica. One hour. Well, people don't make enough, well, it's hard. You gotta manage your life correctly, too, to get to a position where you can enjoy things, because some people are just scratching every week, man. Every week is scratching, trying to get ahead, can't get no fucking traction, trying to figure it all out. That's a tremendous amount of stress. You know, last night, Ari came over and we were smoking the Mazzogic. And it was 10 after 6 or something. And we heard this bell. Bing, bing. And it's the Mexican ice cream mint. And it is the best ice cream you'll ever have. It's Dairy Queen vanilla ice cream and he makes a delicious banana split. I've been there for a year now. One brown spot in the banana. Fresh mint. And it's funny that he said to me,

44:07you get so much enjoyment from that ice cream truck. Your life is what you make enjoyment. I'm not filthy loaded, but I get off on that fucking ice cream man coming. You get off on the ice cream man. When I went to New York, I talked to Ralphie, and he's in this hotel in the city, and I got this and that. I'm in fucking Fort Leib. How come Ralphie doesn't use the internet? Because he feels that his clientele doesn't use the internet. What? I don't know. That's the answer. That's the most ridiculous thing ever. He's found the 1% of the population that isn't online. I mean, who the fuck isn't online? That's so silly. It's just really weird. Who's not online now? That expression is so true. That expression is so true. One man's chicken is another man's gumbo. The other night I did a show in the city and all my friends were like, let's go to Chinatown. Let's do this. Chinatown sucked.

44:54That place sucked. My place in Ridgefield Park, Chan's dragging in still the pound for pound leader in old school Chinese food. You gotta eat four egg rolls, shrimp and lobster sauce. It has the pork in it. Old school with the noodles. Old school dogs. Old school. I've been going there since 1979 to get steak on a stick when I was a sophomore in high school. Pizza and a cup. They have one of the best poo-poo platters in the nation. Why is Chinese food so good on the East Coast? Is China closer? It is, right? The East closer to New York. Must be. You can get great Chinese food out here, but it's not consistent. Not everything is good. I go to a place that the pork fried rice, you think you're in the Bronx, but don't get the shrimp and garlic sauce and lobster Cantonese. You feel like you're eating it with a white dude named Chan. Lobster Cantonese. Nobody goes down.

45:40That stuff's a killer. That's what I wanted it last week in the city. I don't respect. Lobster Cantonese is a rare one. You don't get that everywhere. Some people got to eat pasta at Raos. You and I both know you take a little train to the Bronx and you find the mountain pop store. And for $14.95 you get a spaghetti and clam sauce. Oh. Tickle get hard. Then you want to offer the guy $100 so you can sleep in the back for an hour. Yeah. I know this. When I lived in New Rochelle, we used to go to Frank and John's. I know this. Frank and John's in New Rochelle. there's this when I lived in New Rochelle there's this old school Italian place the fucking food was so good it was right down the street from me I never ate anywhere else I barely could afford to eat there every day but I scraped by every day barely affording it are you drinking more? you're a fucking animal we gotta finish this

46:24that's it we're going to Portland, Oregon you need to do a blackout cast with me Joey to let everybody know Portland, Oregon baby all the shows are almost sold out and we're there Thursday, Friday and Saturday at Helium Comedy Club and it's gonna be fun as fuck. I can't wait. I've never done like a long weekend in Portland. I've only done like one night there. We're there for a UFC. I did one night in Portland. We're gonna have a good fucking time. There's great food. There's great strip clubs. We got no radio, so we're going out. Yeah, we got no radio. And Helium is the shit. Salute. And we gotta run this house. Non-stop comedy. Non-stop jobs. Comedy Tonight. Brian Callen. is going to be down there at Sal's. Doug Benson. Doug Benson's going to be down there at Sal's Comedy Hole in Hollywood, which is just really, you're going to see it, and you're going to go, really?

47:14Are we in the right fucking place? It says Vienna Cafe outside. It doesn't even have a sign that says Sal's Comedy Hole. Yeah, it says Big Yellow. It's the most low-rent ghetto setup ever, but it's growing. And eventually, he's doing construction. He's going to have the back room. It's going to be much better and bigger. This is just a spot. He had a nice spot in La Brea, and he's a cool guy, and he was always cool to comics. and so we did. You recorded a CD there. It's going to be great there. What did you ever do with that CD that you recorded there? I couldn't use it. No? It was garbage. No? What happened? What was wrong? It was really weird, Joe, because if you notice, after that I changed everything. Really? I hate listening to myself or watching myself. Let's get this out of the way. I got boxes of shit at the house people give me. Hey, but I taped you. I don't want to see myself.

47:57Not at all. And I thought there was a problem and then one night I watched Johnny Depp on Letterman and Letterman said to him, so after the thing he goes, after I shoot, it's over. I don't watch myself. Really? And I felt, okay, I'm not the only retard. I don't like nothing about that. That's why I never listen to myself doing stand-up. I can't take my voice. But after I taped that special and I listened to it, I was so ashamed of myself that I made notes and shit and really helped me. I still bring the iPod out and I tape myself on short sets during the week. I'm up to like six minutes and I gotta shut it off. I can't listen to the whole thing It's hard to listen to yourself But it's good Because like what you said How you force yourself to reevaluate You gotta do that man You can't just take it on the audience's reaction You gotta judge it as if you're a comic

48:48Listening to another comic too When I listen to my stuff I go hmm How would I feel about this Is this funny to me I listen to it Forget about how the audience is laughing What does this make me think? What does this make me? Do I think this is the right way to do this bit? Should I shorten this part? Is this too verbose? Is this too this? Is this too that? And when you do that, man, everything gets tighter and stronger. You focus on it. It's uncomfortable, though. It's a terrible feeling. You feel like you're... It's a weird thing, man. Because the energy that brings you to be creative, the energy that brings you to smash it on stage, that is not a selfish energy. People think it is because it seems like it is because you're on stage going, what the fuck, cocksucker? And everyone's laughing. But to do it right, to be tuned into those people, really, you have to be almost selfless.

49:38You have to be tuned in this crazy way where it's all just about this fun that we're having. It's not about me. It ain't about me. You know what I'm saying? So it's like the opposite that you would get from someone who listens to themselves like, yeah, I'm the shit. Listen to me. I'm the shit. It's almost like you know that that's the poison, that thinking like that is the poison that takes away the magic. Because if you start thinking you're the shitty, you start thinking that you're something special and you lose your whole connection with the magic. So that's one of the reasons why you feel uncomfortable. You don't want to listen and you don't want to be that guy who wants to get in my car, listen to my new set last night, tell me what I did. You ever been in someone's car and they make you listen to their fucking routine? Tell me about this new bit. Is there anything

50:22you could add to this? Like, oh, Jesus. I wrote this joke. I want to try it. Oh, no. No! No! Don't try it. Just say it on stage and then I can give you my output. But who the fuck am I to joke? Don't try it. I don't try shit on anybody. It's in your fucking heart, bro. Yeah, you say it or you don't say it. You know, just the idea that you're trying it out. Look, it ain't a fucking weapon. All right? It's a goddamn joke. Do it on a stage. Do it on a stage. Take your goddamn chances. And the more you do that, the more you know what the fuck's gonna work in the first place. You don't have to talk to people about stuff like that. You know, it's crazy because with me, I have a hard time writing if I'm not in the zone. When I'm with people, I get pissed off to a degree before I go on stage. I get a little pissed off or something. Yeah, you get mad. You get fake arguments with people.

51:02I want to do that. One time, Eddie Bravo, we were all in the back at the House of Blues. He's like, you guys with your fucking bullshit. I got to do it. And Eddie's like, why is Joey getting upset? I'm like, he's just got to put himself in that place. I got to put myself in that place. He's not really mad at us. No, I'm not mad at nobody. I need something. I need something. You fucking guys. I need something. Oh, I need to use a vaporizer. Listen, cocksucker. I was smoking weed with an apple when I was five. It's just really crazy how when I'm around you guys, sometimes just being mad makes me say something. You're like, Joey, you got to fucking say that on stage. Yeah. And I'll forget for a month. I'll forget. And you guys are like, Joey, did you say that on fucking stage yet? I like when you guys got to force me. I'm like your records keeper. I'm always coming up to you about stuff.

51:47Bro, you got to say that shit. Did you still doing that thing about Dead Dick? You still doing that thing? Yeah, about the soldier. Don't say anymore. These people must see that on stage. When you did that, we have that video still. Do you have that video? You got to do something with that video. But just even if it's for internal use only, I need to see that set. Give me that set, please. Brian, please. I thought I sent it to you already. No, you didn't. You didn't. Give me that set, Joey, from Brea. It was last night, right? It was Sunday night? It was Sunday night. Yeah, Jesus fucking Christ. I've never seen anybody Kill harder than that The only thing that was closer To someone killing harder than that Was when you killed in Vegas At the Mandalay Bay Theater Holy shit When you were doing that bit About fucking Having that fist fight With the nun Holy shit I might not have ever

52:32Laughed that hard at anything Ever in my whole life It was the funniest thing I've ever seen You know we missed The comedy store And that's the bad thing Because during the week That's what you enjoyed Laughing at each other Laughing at each other Yeah That really took away From my career Because you see Bill Burr going on a Tuesday. Yeah. And want to die. You know, he don't care. He's so confident. He's like, stand up that you want to try different things. And, you know, we always get into conversations nostalgic about the store. At the end, they were cunts and whatever. But, you know, I don't take away the truth from anything. That's what's really lacking. I wish we had. And Sal's is becoming that. Sal's is becoming that. You know, we just need some more people to go down there and support. I've been out of town on Wednesdays. We've got plenty of people. Bill Burr was by last week.

53:12Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Sarah Silverman was by the week before. and it's Doug Benson's coming down all the time. Steve Renazzisi came and crushed it. Sam Tripoli came and crushed it. Really? I need to meet that dude. I still never met that dude. I don't even know where he is. Is he in jail? I don't know. I'm a big fan of that dude. That dude makes me laugh. He makes me laugh like very few dudes. He's one of my top favorite guys to watch. That was funny. If someone sends me a clip and says, hey, check out this Cat Williams clip, that fucking thing where he was going after Steve Harvey, oh, shit, that's funny. And one of the things, he accentuates something, and as he accentuates it, he slides across the room like he's kicking someone in the nuts. And as he does it, he goes, I'm a little nigga. I fight dirty. And he slides on the stage with his little foot up in the air

53:55like he's kicking somebody in the balls. He's a wild dude, man. He makes me laugh hard. We were talking about him in Irvine. You have no idea the numbers he does. Oh, he does crazy numbers. He goes, you know that place where we go to the UFC? He does that. He does the Pearl at the Palms. That's like 5,000 seats. That's a big-ass place. They have big bands there. Cat Williams sells that fucker out, man. And there's pictures of him in the casino with, like, fur coats on and shit and diamonds. He's hilarious, man. That dude really makes me laugh because he's just going for it all the time. He's not trying to be anything other than he is. He's just trying to be funny. He's just going for it all the time, going for the funny, going for the funny. And he's fucking good, dude. He does a funny thing about fucking Shaquille O'Neal trying to be a cop. dude it's fucking hilarious it's about how

54:45Shaquille O'Neal's three year old was his height it's oh dude it's so funny man and that thing that he did on Michael Jackson that made him a star when you watch that bit on YouTube you watch that and you see the black people they don't even know how to act because he's saying the truth see the truth is a motherfucker when you say it the right way on stage even if it's wrong what he was saying Where's Michael Jackson? He's probably smelling little baby's booty holes or something. That is a classic fucking line. And he just runs from there with it, guys. Yeah, he runs with it. He attacked. When was the last time you seen Michael Jackson with a woman? Not never. He does all that crazy shit. Bro, that shit was that made him a star. That little piece of him being himself. Just that little piece that comics pray for that utopia to come one day.

55:35It's important to have guys like that out there. I like guys that are just going for it. You know, a lot of guys are out there just fucking going for it. There's a lot of people that think that comedy is, you know, that comedy is about the respect of your peers and creating the proper clever joke with the right wording. And it's not, man. It's about entertainment value. It's about your stand-up comedy. And to these days, man, comedy doesn't even nearly have to be that deep anymore. If you want to get deep, man, you could do a podcast and get deep. You could write a blog and get deep. You could have a conversation with an intelligent person. You don't have to get that deep with your comedy. The shit that makes me laugh is Cat Williams sliding across the floor, kicking some dude in the ball. I'm a little nigga. I fight dirty. And when he does it, it's so natural. It's so funny, man.

56:24That guy kills me, man. He's got some great shit. You know what he had? He actually had some real good advice, too, that I took. He said that he listens to, he has on his iPod, he has like a playlist of all music that he listens to right before he goes on stage. And I'm like, damn, that's a great idea. Because I have just like a group of like some of my favorite songs on my iPod that I just, I throw on, it's on my iPhone too. I'll throw them on like when I'm at the gym or whatever, whatever. But I don't have a specific list just for standup. But that's a good fucking idea. It's a real good idea. So I started doing that. I started doing that just based on that. Because I know music, if you listen to like the right kind of music, you know, the right kind of music can fucking get you in a good groove, man. You know? Especially if you haven't...

57:09Sometimes when you listen to music too much, you lose its power. You don't have that feeling anymore. It just loses its impact. But every now and then, a song would just jack you and let you know what's possible. Remember when we were at the Brea Improv, and we were in the parking lot, and I had that Nissan truck, and you got out, and it had that crazy sound system in, and you got out of your car, you're like, Joe Rogan, Joe Rogan, put this fucking CD in right now. Down in the summer. Down in the summer. Hot stuff. You put on hot stuff. Sitting here eating my heart out, baby. Oh, it's some good shit on that great. Waiting for some lover to call. Some music drives you fucking nuts. I love music. I love music. I love Leonard Skinner. I've listened to Leonard Skinner lately. The old shit. Oh, I love Leonard Skinner. I love Allman Brothers from the 70s, Leonard Skinner.

57:56I love that vibe, man. There's something about that time. Like, if I'm in a pool hall and Sweet Home Alabama comes on, It's like your girlfriend just comes over And rubs your neck You know what I'm saying It's like someone comes over and gives you a hug Like that song What a sweet song What a great song What's up Brian And they're singing it Sweet home You look like you've got your finger on the trigger What are you doing over there What are you doing Just waiting for her to get out of here Waiting to get out of here How long have we been doing this It's 7.15. We're going to be late for our show. Whatever. So we're a couple minutes late. There's a whole internet out there. Yeah, but I'm running the show. Yeah, I got to go out. Yeah, which is even better because they can't go there without you being there. They can't start it. Don't worry about it, buddy.

58:45I got to go eat dinner too, guys. This is it? This is how we're going to end this fucking thing? 7.15, 7.20, that's it. Two hours. This is the end. My only friend, the end. Down, down, down. Thank you to the Fleshlights. If you go to JoeRogan.net, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the fleshlights. We will see you this weekend in Portland, Oregon at Helium Comedy Club Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. It's Mad Flavor, a.k.a. Joe Diaz, a.k.a. Planet Rock. And don't show up with no wagweed. Only the best, motherfuckers. And Brian Redband will also be performing on stage, too. That's right. We're going to rock it this week. Thank you very much. Thank you very much for tuning in, and we will see you guys next week. Stay black, motherfuckers. I love you. Either Monday or Tuesday. We're trying to get Kevin from Attack of the Show. He should be on. Yeah. I love you guys.

59:34Stay black, baby. Oh, Bert Kreisch is going to be on, too. Yeah, bitches. What? What?