Tony Woods

00:03Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan Experience. TRAIN BY DAY. JOE ROGAN PODCAST BY You going to try to [music] do the hat and the the earphones? How you going to work this? Cuz it's bad now. See, it's [laughter] Christmas. I can't go get a haircut. Like all of this. I got the uh the shadow. The All you need is a mirror when you're doing your hair. I cut my own hair. You do. So, you go somewhere and get I go somewhere. Yeah. It's just I don't know. I guess it's just the walking in. Hey, what's up, Tom? How you been, man? Where your next show at? Hey, yeah, I'm coming to see you. Yeah, it's that, you know, it's a social thing. Yeah. Yeah. I'm antisocial in that way. I just rather shave my own ass. You walk in. So, [laughter] so you really know Joe Rogan. Hey, what? Like, you know, you do all of that. Well, that that is the good thing about

00:57barber shops. The the male beauty salon. dudes get to hang out and be dudes. Yeah. Just when did you start shaving your head? Um it was a slow progression cuz it cuz I would say yo just even it out with where is fading away in the in the little sunroof back there and kept and then after a while my man said, "Yo, it's [laughter] over. It's over, man. This is said just rock a ball here. Make it be like Damon Ways." Yeah. I want to be like Damon W. [laughter] That's But he You want to be like Tony Woods? Yeah. And then he cut it all off. Like I guess Well, it's just part of being old, my friend. We have to embrace. How old are you now? 58. I'm 54. Jimmy. Yeah, it happens. Creeps up on you. And I remember the last show that we did. What? Where was it? It was in the Bronx. It was at a college, right? And whenever somebody's ripping, I just I cuz I I don't want to

01:51watch and they get in my head, you know? And some some comedians think, "Oh, you didn't see my set." I I don't want to watch what you said though. And you up there and you LIKE you were doing something about girls who sound like a cockatu. Oh, I was, you know, it was girls with crazy big hair and you was like and they was screaming. I'm like, I got to go outside. [laughter] I don't know what he talking about, but I got I got the Bronx, huh? A college in the Bronx. Yeah, it was. Man, I don't even remember that. If somebody asked me, "Did you ever do a college in the Bronx?" I be like, "Nah." Yeah. It was It was right on the one and the nine. Yeah. Yeah. You Yeah. It's me. You um I can't remember, but I just remember you you [laughter] going back [snorts] and forth like And they were screaming like, "Okay, I don't know what that joke is, but [laughter]

02:43got to get out of here. I got to get out of here. I got to get out of there if someone's bombing, too. I can't watch that." Yeah, that Yeah, that is Yeah, that [ __ ] with my head because then I think nothing's funny. But I guess because I done got been in the game, I can I can bump gracefully. You know what I'm saying? Like my engines go out, right? [laughter] He can glide in. Yeah. Just glide in and that'll mess up the next guy cuz the next guy come and go, "What' you do to the room, man? I peed on the floor." short. There's there's some bombings though where it's the crowd like the crowd is just whatever it is just there's no energy in the room. But there's some bombings it's the comedian. Yeah. And when it's the comedian I got to get out of there. If it's the crowd I'm like I want to go up there and wake him up. But if it's the comedian there's

03:34something in my head that's like nothing is funny. Like I can't I can't watch someone that's terrible be because some guys they um like a you know like I call like a technician like this is the formula. This is how you do it. Right. Right. And like do obviously that's not working tonight. Right. Yeah. Do a little crowd work. Do this. Do that. Right. Yeah. Something. Mix it up, man. Cuz they not they're not known. Yeah. Yeah. And so Well, don't you think that's the beauty of doing a bunch of different places? like doing the road a little bit in Pennsylvania, you do a gig in Florida, you do a little this, do a little of that. And the the more you do that, I love that. Like in like when back in the day when we were in New York, I used to go I used to say, "I'm going to the Caribbean." So go out to Brooklyn, you know, do the mostly Caribbean crowds and

04:22then you do the downtown like uh remember the place we used to do, I think Lelo or something. It was like alternative comedy. Where was that? It was it was uh it was some place we uh uh like like Todd Berry used to just rip in there, you know, like they wanted it real subtle and when I go soft Yeah. real soft and I would go I go whoa whoa whoa easy with the laughs. [laughter] It's alternative comedy. Is that funny? There's places they they got mad if you tried hard. If you just smash and they all stop with the cockatu, baby, [laughter] cut it out. So that's a thing. That's a thing like they wanted you to slow down. It's almost like they didn't want to race, they wanted to fast walk, which is fast walking, Tony, don't be jogging. And when we did that thing in the Bronx, it was like mainly like Latino Puerto Rican crowd and they wanted it loud and

05:13and you was you was kicking it, son. [laughter] He was kicking it. You was You was parading back and forth. That's when you look like Tony Dancer from Texas. [laughter] You was killing it. Like back in the day, but have a full head of hair and everything. Yeah, you say look at him. Tony Danza. There's a reference. That's funny. The one from Taxi, not the one from Who's the Boss? That's when I first saw you, that's who you reminded me of. That's funny. Yeah. So, and uh but now dog, you you you're like the young uh what's his name? What's the dude's name? He's he's the old biggest guy at it. Larry King. Oh, [laughter] he's dead. He's not just old. Larry King's dead. My bad. I think CO got him. I don't know. Is that what happened to him? Did Co get him? Well, he was Life was getting him. I mean, last time I saw Larry, he was like a skeleton. He was like hunched

06:11over. His posture was terrible. It was like he was, you know, wasn't in the best of health. Very nice guy. And And I'm I'm going tell you something, man. For years, like randomly, people go, "Yo, they were talking about you on the Joe Rogan show." And I'm like, "What's that? [laughter] cuz I'm just kind of not in the loop, right? So, I started my own podcast. It's called uh the Lonely Ass Club. I just ride my bike. I put my phone on there. I go on FaceTime and I mean Facebook live and I just talk while you're riding your bike. While I'm riding my bike, I just talk about stuff. You just you see my face and whatever's on my mind just like that. And and I've been doing that for about two or three years. But I also have a podcast. We had a group and it was called first episode again with Tony Woods. So I was like if things ain't going

07:00right don't worry it's first episode. [laughter] We got this right. And I had I had a a woman Maya had a guy who's a lawyer another guy who's like he his name is Chevvis. So he's like as if we were on a bus. He's a guy in the back and like you're talking about something interesting and then he'll scream out oh that's cuz a global woman [ __ ] like that. you [laughter] go, you know, he may be right. You know what I'm saying? He just has a Yeah. [snorts] So, him and uh and and we were doing we was it was going good. And uh I think the the main guy got tired. Yeah. Just got tired of doing it. Yeah. Cuz it became a job like oh remember we got to meet at this time like ah Yeah. But that's the thing that [ __ ] comics up more than anything is the consistency. Yeah. Consistency of you know doing shows and just showing up. No one ever complains

07:51at the Lonely Ass Club Chronicles podcast [laughter] because it's just you. It's just me. Nobody ever said, "You late again." Nobody ever says that. Nobody ever says, "Slow down. You're riding too fast." Nothing. Well, that does. And when you have a group of people, like a couple people together, and they start doing a podcast, there's always one person who wants to do it more than the other person. One person who has a vision, the other person's like, "Man, I don't want to do it today." I think it was Maya. Big shout out to Maya. She had a big uh not Maya the girl, you know, but Maya who was on cuz she would she would have notes and and then she would say, "Did you watch it? Did you watch it?" Uh the one we did uh yesterday. I'm like, "Oh, she wants to review them." Yeah. I'm like I'm like I don't watch my own comedy on like I don't watch my own podcasts.

08:35I don't I can't watch my st I can't I like I'm like when I hear my own voice I'm like oh what is he drunk or something? [laughter] This guy's on drugs, man. [laughter] I just I just I don't even want to hear. That's one thing that comedians have in common is that we all hate our own voice. We all hate watching ourselves. And then people see me sometimes in the grocery store and I think they think they're making me feel good. They go, "Oh man, you really talk like that. Like you [laughter] like you drunk or go kind of stupid." Thank you. like [laughter] that. Thank you, [ __ ] [laughter] [gasps] Yeah, we we we all listen to ourselves though and like when you listen to your own special, you just like cuz you know all this [ __ ] You know what you're going to say, so you heard it already. So it's not surprising. So it's just

09:28boring. You're like, "Oh, this is You really hate when you leave something out." Yes. You're like, "I was supposed to say this, but everybody's it's good." Like, "No, [ __ ] that. I was supposed to say that." Right. The worst is when you record something and then you keep doing the bit because the the special hasn't come out yet and then you make up new taglines. You're like, "Ah, I want to go back and redo the bit." Yeah. Yeah. You got something coming out soon, right? I think [laughter] you don't you don't you have a special coming out? When is it? I don't know yet. You don't know? We're still looking for a venue. So, cuz I I don't want to do it like in a blah blah a big grandiose place. I like doing it. Yeah. And I just did a a comedy club in Wilmington, North Carolina. It's called the Dead Crow, right? Which Yeah. You don't even think that's a comedy

10:18club. It's It's I just They redid it. You ever been there before? No, but I mean like the Laughing Skull is a great place. And that's got a [ __ ] up name, too. And I like the one in Denver. The one Comedy Works. Yeah, the one with the with the oxygen pumped in. Really? Does oxygen like feel like a casino when I'm in there. Which place is that? Is that the one downtown? Yeah, that has oxygen pumped into it. Have Have you ever had a bat sat there? It's a good place. I think it's just And everybody's having a ball. That's true. But they're all accustomed to that air. I don't know, dog. You [laughter] think it's like a casino? I don't know. Cuz I feel like double down. Let's keep it moving, man. [laughter] Cuz you know when you're in a casino, How long you been there? About about 20 minutes. What? It's 4 a.m. My bad. Like that cuz

11:04the ox you just it just feels I don't know if that's true. Do you think they really do pump oxygen into casinos? Okay, don't like say that I said that. Say I've heard it. I've heard it's true. Let's find out. Do they pump oxygen into casinos? Oh, into casinos. Yeah, for sure. Yes. Yeah. It doesn't seek out cuz ain't no windows. Well, I know they have air filtration because everybody's smoking, but you don't see smoke everywhere. So, there must be some movement of the air. Well, what about Comedy Works? Uh, I don't think they're pumping oxygen in there. I just think it's a great room. Here goes. I'm sure you've heard the myth that oxygen is pumped into casinos to give people more energy and keep them awake. This is in fact the enduring Las Vegas myth of all time. There's no doubt that the casinos keep the air chilly to give that same effect, but there's no

11:54mechanism actually pumping extra oxygen into the system. Well, now we know when I got the jackpot, when I did the seller in Vegas the last time and I hit the jackpot by accident, I went on 5G's and guess what? The woman who just popped up who thought I was such an interesting person was not a hooker. Really? Interesting. Yeah. [snorts] She just happened to pop over. I just saw you sitting here and I just thought you were such an interesting person. Oh, Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding. I don't know. That's Tony Woods and that's how he really talks. Yeah. And and and and the real the real thing is I had a speech impediment as a child and they just said, you know, and nothing. Yeah. Nothing was coming out. just said just think about it and sing it out. Yeah. So I said Joe [laughter] and but you get older and stuff like and

13:07my uh my middle son he had that too. He he he [clears throat] hated it because everybody everybody loved the way he talked. Can I go to McDonald's, you know? But then but by then we pass So yeah, I'm like man. So it wasn't a stutter. It was just like a pause. A pause. It's just your your your brain is working faster than your mouth. Isn't it funny that that actually helps in comedy? Yes. that pause like that sort of embodied your style. Yeah. As as a matter of fact, I heard I heard a comedian complain about it one time. He complained about your style. He said, "Look at him. He's killing." cuz you know sometimes I go, "Yeah." And he said, "He's killing." And all he said was [clears throat] That's hilarious that someone would complain that you're doing so great. Yeah. with with a slow style. Slow, easygoing style. Yeah, it's all good.

14:09You influenced a lot of guys, man. You really did. You influenced a lot of guys. I remember watching you and there's certain dude like I remember always being awkward. I always felt awkward on stage. Like I had to like get the jokes out quick. Like I don't want to bomb. Get the jokes out quick. You pace the stage. Yeah. And then I I remember watching you. I'm like, God, he's so calm and casual up there. You remember your one time? I woke you up. Yeah. I used to sleep in the back of the Boston Comedy Club. Okay. Yeah. And somebody would go, "Hey, tell Tonyy's next." Right. And you was like, "Hey, man. You're next." I'm like, "Dude." [laughter] You were sleeping. I'm sleeping. When they call my name, I'll wake up, man. You wake up right before you go on stage. That's hilarious. [laughter] That little corner back there, the balls of comic.

14:56I It's just I was always tired, man. [laughter] I think I had PS2. Something's going on. What's PS2? It's what you get when you go to the military. What is it? Like it's not PlayStation. It's more serious than that. Because when you guys met me, I was just getting back from the desert. So, and I don't know. I just always tired. I don't I thought I had narcolepsy, but I would, you know, if if I was driving and the music wasn't on or the window wasn't down, I hit a gravel. So, were you in in Desert Storm? Yeah, the first one. the golf war. So there are a lot of people in that war they had that um Gulf War syndrome. Yeah. And they all go No, I ain't gone. I I I don't know what I got. I just But you came back and you were more tired. But I've I used to be like super energetic. Like if you watch my old I used But I slept more too and stuff. I I don't know. I don't know.

15:53But you you remember uh what's his name? Uh Jeff Jeff Ross. No. No. He passed away. Hey, Tony. How you doing? Hey, man. Hey. Good to see you again, Tony. Oh, I know. Vicen talking about Vic Henley. Vic Henley. Right. It's me, Vic Henley, and and a and a a little guy. I forgot his name. Chris something, but he was he was a little guy. And we were doing Birmingham, Alabama. And I was a feature. And the lady says, "Tony, you got an emergency phone call in the office." And I'm like, like, you know, I'm thinking, is it is it my mom? Is it my ex-wife? You know, something. She says, "It's a man." I'm like, [snorts] I just figured it's one of my buddies who want to come to the show for free or something like that. I did my spot. You know, you do 20 minutes in the in the middle. I I think maybe 30, 40. I didn't see the light. And then I come

16:51off. Vic does our boom. We're about to go out and get something to eat. And she says, "Tony, they're still holding for you." [laughter] I went and picked up the phone. I'm like, "Hello." He goes, "Petty Officer Woods." I'm like, "Let me go get him." Like that. [laughter] He goes, "I know that's you, WOODS." [screaming] So that's he had to contact me. So once he contacted me, I had to go. So had to Yeah. I was supposed to go from there to Key West. So that phone call, the hold was just to get you to go overseas. Yeah, that that's that's that's called being activated. Oh, so they had to just wait. Yeah. Just a phone call to activate you. So if you just don't answer the phone, you never get activated. Yeah. [ __ ] Yeah, I know. [laughter] I know, man. I know. I mean, they would have got me eventually, but it would have been nice to get me after Key West,

17:47right? Right. Yeah, cuz we're doing uh Ocala, Florida, then Fort Myers, and then Key West. I've never been to Key West, but I hear it's amazing. It is. It's nice, but it's like no beach. Really? I mean, it's it's they got like if you stay at a hotel or something, they might have their own little private beach. Back in the day when I was stationed down there, it was, you know, beaches everywhere, but the place wasn't as full as it is now. It kind of smells kind of Newarkish. Yeah, cuz too many people. Oh wow. Like with the sewage and stuff like that. So sewage is going to the ocean. Yeah. Along on one side of the island like Oh, how weird is that that we just dump our sewage right into the ocean. But the other little islands, the best thing is is the drive. Like you leave from Miami or Fort Lauderdale or something like that, get a car and just

18:36cruise down and just stop at little seafood shacks and stuff and have what will cost $200 at a regular restaurant and you you hitting there. you sitting and just and this is a it's a three-hour drive, two-lane highway, and you can stop, go fishing, go swimming, do whatever. It's just it's dope. I've never been. I keep hearing great [clears throat] things about it. And I you hear the people down there, they b it's basically not America. It's like they're island living. Yeah. Yeah. It's relaxed. Bahama village. Yeah. So, and they have a Caribbean accent and everything. I just just it's just it's it's like driving to the Caribbean. No lie. You have a good time. You go down there. But whereas Key West will be bang New York City. But all the little sleepy ones on the way are dope, you know. So is Key West crowded now. It's Yeah, it's kind of crowded. I was

19:28down there in the summer. I was because everybody knows about it. As as a matter of fact, [ __ ] Jimmy. Last time I was down there, I I saw a place and they had temporary tattoo, right? I'm like, "Oh, that'd be nice. Get a temporary tattoo." Right. And then I see this little girl. She's getting like a unicorn or something on her face. And and boom, who do I see? Iron Mike Tyson. No. Oh, he's one of I'm like, "Yo, give me the Mike Tyson one." Oh, okay. Right. Boom. And she said, "Do you want temporary or henna?" I'm like, "Of course, temporary." I I didn't know the temporary is temporary. It's tattoo ink. Whereas the henna will go away in a like two days. I had that [ __ ] on for a week and a half. Oh. I went to my class reunion with it. I'm going show it to you. [laughter] But it was cool. It was like it was a it

20:24was a conversation piece and and and just like him, I I got used to it and then it was like Yeah. And then it faded away on me, son. But I went to my class reunion. It's my high school class reunion was uh back in October. A buddy of mine called me. He says, "You're coming to the reunion this year." I'm like, "Ah, if I'm in town, I'll come." He says, "But you know, you going to come to the 40th one?" I'm like, "Yay. When it come?" He goes, "This is the 40th one." Like, [laughter] no. I'm like, "We just did the 21, right?" And I did. I graduated in 81. Isn't that crazy when you do the math? Yeah, man. What happened, Tony? When you see Mike Tyson in person, you don't even notice that tattoo. That's what's weird. I don't, man. You just you don't you have to like think about it. I I saw his uh his that's He's the first one I watched, man. And and it was so

21:16good. And um like, you know, how people assume that he's not, but I'm like, that dude, the way he fights, he's he's he's got to he's got to be smart. And then when he did comedy, his comedy special was better than like a lot of comedians. Oh, you mean that that one hour thing that he did where he talked about his life? He did like a live show. Yeah. No, he's he's very smart. Yeah, man. Mike's very smart. He's just, you know, he's a professional boxer and he's had a crazy ass life, but you have to be intelligent to be able to perform under pressure the way he did. Yeah. You have to be able to manage that. People think that, you know, that that's not hard to do. That's insanely hard to do. You're he's And he's managing movement and speed and technique and he's doing it all against the best boxers in the world at the time. And and everybody was way bigger than him.

22:06Way bigger. I mean, Mike is only like an inch taller than me. I saw him. And yeah, he's not that tall. Maybe two inches taller than me. He might be like 5'10. And he's as wide as a [ __ ] building. But when he was in his prime, the beautiful thing about that was that he would bob and weave and duck under [ __ ] Like people would be throwing punches and he was nowhere near them. I I like so good. I like when he said uh that was good comedy timing when you said, "Yo, man. I saw this amazing video. You did this. You did that. You did that." He said, "Yeah, man. I was [ __ ] up for a week after that." [laughter] That's true. Yeah. I was like, "That's me." Cuz people say, "Man, I saw you on Facebook riding your bike." He said, "You really did like a 100 miles." Like, "Yeah, that was [ __ ] up." For the next week,

22:53I had sciatica and all this other Well, you were talking to me about how you had your bike fitted to you. I didn't know that you get bikes fitted. Yeah, I Well, I've been I used to be a bike messenger, all that stuff. I always got like crossarss and stuff like that and I just never thought about it. And because when you're a bike messenger, you stop and go, stop and go all day long. But I was riding and I bought this bike in Dubai when I was over in Dubai. And uh the bikes are way cheaper because America marked them up 300%. So I got this really nice road bike. And did you have to ship it over here? Yeah, I shipped it over. But you know, I was, you know, it came like golf clubs or something. You don't have to pay for it, you know. Mhm. So, so I'm riding and this other guy who's obviously a a bicyclist. He goes, because I'm doing like this, he

23:40goes, "Hey, man, that's a nice bike. You need to get it fitted." Like, what? I'm like, "This is my height. I know what." He says, "No, you need to get it fitted." And then he was like showing me. He's like, "You go get it." I'm like, "How much does that cost?" He said, "Ah, between two and four, depends on where you go." I'm like two and 400 for somebody to tell me to adjust. But like she was saying out there, it's really intense. You're up on a machine and they're doing this and everything. the pedal stroke like like if your if your things on your pedals are not long enough, they'll either lengthen them or shorten them and then you're just every so it's like a a nice suit to where it's not because you see them guys like them guys who ride in the park and go on your left like [laughter] [ __ ] you. You could have

24:28went around me. You just had to announce he's right there on your left like that. So it does that. Professionals. Yeah. Dudes are really into it. Yeah. But because So it made a big difference though when they fitted it for you? Oh. Uh but I was already already hurt. And the guy who did the fitting, he says bicycling is not supposed to hurt. [laughter] You should go to the doctor and I was like, I want to go. I'm scared. But I didn't say that. So we getting sciatica. Yeah. So come to find out from the accident that you remember Angelo Lazada, rest in peace. Yeah. Angelo Lazada, Eric Neves. We we did a show in Jersey one night 2001, something like that. And you know, I'm in the back seat and we're driving and they they're speaking Spanish in the front. They're not arguing, but they it's getting faster and faster and faster, speed, [laughter]

25:22and these girls are supposed to be following us. We run like two or three red lights. I'm like, "Yo, we all been drinking. We're in Jersey. Come on. You know, watch yourself." And next thing I know, I'm like, cuz I'm hitting the ceiling cuz we on the sidewalk, baby. [laughter] Yeah, we hit it. We Hey, Eric N. I'm Yeah, that's cuz I've been [ __ ] with him for 20 years, but every because this sciatica thing, this this whiplash thing is like cicas, you know? I You've been injured before and like sometime it's just comes back nice and smooth, man. You could get flipped off a chair or something like that. Boom. Nothing. And then one day you reach for a pen and [ __ ] go. Ah, [gasps] cicatas are back, [ __ ] [laughter] You know, people eat cicas. I know a lot of people eat them. They have recipes for them online. I went

26:18down a rabbit hole on YouTube and I started looking at like people cooking cicas. They cook them in the oven. They had all these like uh teriyak mixes. They would like brine them and cover them in salt and bake them. I don't know, man. They seem [clears throat] to be delicious. I've eaten uh grasshoppers to the chocolate covered ants and I've had that. [clears throat] But the we did Okanow one time and we did u with me and Shang Forbes and Reggie McFaden and I forgot who else but they had street food on the you know you this is delicious and you know in your mouth you just feel a shape right and I spit it out and it was like the the the side of a mouse like long ways. It was just it was a you know what what do you like if he's like this just his but like he had been cut down THE MIDDLE I WENT was he eating mice and and I said something to the lady she's like

27:26you you asked for the [ __ ] mix right that's the mix that's the mix [ __ ] that's the mix chicken beef mouse and [clears throat] oh dog was in there too yeah But he would I'm opposed to that all of that. I'll eat a cat, but I won't eat a dog. That Wait, you know how you go over there and you sit at the little things Indian style and you eat the street food and they just give you a whole bunch of samples and stuff. That was that was that was another time I was eating it. I'm like, "This is good. What is this one right here?" And then she said something to the to the what's it called? Liaison like that. And he go, "Do you have a pet?" Oh, and I said, "Okay, I'm not gonna eat no more of that. I don't want I [laughter] don't even want to [ __ ] know. I don't I don't want to know. I don't want to eat no more. Stop the conversation.

28:18Stop the conversation." But I didn't get sick that time cuz that [ __ ] was delicious. But [laughter] it was just feeling a [ __ ] mouse in my mouth. Yeah. That's rough. I keep telling people how funny Reggie McFaden was. He still is. I saw him on him forever. I saw watched the Discovery Channel. What's he doing? Selling jewels. I guess he was on the Discovery Channel selling jewels. Yep. Standup in the '9s. It was some people and they're looking to buy some kind of jewels, not diamonds, but whatever they're selling in wherever this part of Africa he is, right? Oh, like in the ground, right? And the guy's got the camera. He's got the camera right here. The guy who's he said, "I can take you." And the guy says, "You speak English?" He said, "I speak English very well. Probably better than you." And we all know Reggie has perfect diction. Yeah.

29:09Yeah. And and I'm like it was then they show him LIKE I'M LIKE YO AND THEN REGGIE GO IS THAT A camera like that and they just kind of I'm like yo. So it was Reggie McFaden selling jewels in Africa. That's where he's at. Yeah. He's in is I don't know if it's Tanzania or something but I saw him. You Yeah. Hit him on Facebook right now. He hit you back. Is he doing standup? I don't know. I guess you know. But isn't that shocking? You remember how good he was in the 90s? That [ __ ] was a monster. Oh my god. What he did? [laughter] Like he's cuz he's like that people go um I didn't use a condom cuz she looked like she was cool. She looked that was his joke, right? She looked like she was cool. And he said the girl said, [cough] "Stick [clears throat] it in." [laughter] She go and he goes, "It's dry. [clears throat] Right. He had to see it live, right?

30:07Yeah. And I like this other What's the other one where he would drop the girl off in a rough neighborhood, right? He go he going, "All right, baby. You be cool. All right. Hey, hey, hey, y'all. Leave her. [laughter] Hey, come back. Stop it. Leave her. She's not." [snorts] Remember the bit he did about the pretty girl always has a ugly friend to try to break into the house? Yeah. and stop you from making out with her. What are you doing? [laughter] But he would do the whole thing. We'd come crashing through the window. He would leap through this. He was so physical on stage and and you Reggie Reggie big dude, man. Dude, he's funny as [ __ ] I saw him at the Champagne Comedy Club in Mount Vernon, Mount Vernon, New York. And uh it was a club that I couldn't work out cuz he had to be squeaky clean. So I was with my friend John Tobin. John Tobin

30:58opened for Reggie. And I remember watching Reggie and thinking like this [ __ ] is going to be the biggest star in the world. He was getting murdered. I mean thunderous, thunderous laughter. And they remember he was on a Dr. Pepper commercial. I don't remember that. That was that was way back. That was like for a comedian to get something like that. He's like, you know, I'm a Peppa. You're a Peppa. Wouldn't you like I don't think he had he didn't have a But everybody's like, yo, look. Yeah, it's him and Warren and everybody. Yeah, it was a a great time that time in the '9s in New York. Such an interesting time cuz so many good comics were there, you know. That's where I first saw Chappelle. He was 19. First saw him at uh Catch Rising Star. See, that that's when I was I was gone. I was uh doing my duty or whatever. And

31:51like uh Warren Hutcherson and um and Dave, they all came up to New York. Everybody came up. As a matter of fact, there's someone just did a documentary. They did they did a documentary. It's just it's a sizzle. I'll let you see it. And um send it to Jamie. Okay. And it's And they got the Yeah, they got the uh they got the love scene with me and Wanda. What is it? Yeah, you got to see it now. It's just a whole bunch of little clips of uh of the of all the comedians back in the day um from DC. Here it is. Wanda came from DC, too. Yeah. Oh, okay. How do I How do I send this to you? Do you got AirDrop? Yeah, I got Send it. Do you see Jamie Vernon? Do you see that? Yeah. Say like my MacBook Pro or something like that. No, it's iPhone. Yeah. Yeah. That might be me. And it's all it's it's Dave. It's Tommy Davidson. It's uh the fat doctor, you know, Louis uh Lewis Black. Yeah.

32:49Uh what's her name? What was the girl's name? Lewis Black came from DC. Yeah, Patton Oswald. [clears throat] Um, Patton came from DC, too. Wow. As a matter of fact, the last the last show I did before I went to the golf war was me, Patton Oswald, and [clears throat] a guy named Roger Mercy. Yeah. I I used to call him Patton Bogs because Did every Sorry. Go ahead. You just call him that. Why? Because I was a bike messenger and there's a big law firm called Patton Bogs. So, I always called him Patton Bogs. It's like just nobody knew but him and me. There it is. [clears throat] Rise of standup comedy Washington DC. Now, where where was everybody out of? Were they out of the improv? No, back then it was uh the the the comedy cafe which had the Archie Ball strip club on the bottom floor. Give me some volume. Ch. When I was a comedian starting out in Washington DC,

33:43this brother, you know, started up in the DC area. Coming to the stage from my hometown, the nation's capital. DC is the mecca for standup comedy cuz if you're good, you good in this town. Oprah Winfrey started that weight loss mess. Huh? Remember, she kept on saying if she didn't lose weight, old man was going to leave her. Oh yes. $80 million, you ain't going no damn way. If DC being the mecca of comedy is a phrase coined by the great Andy Evans, volumes of solid acts that we've turned out over the years. Black woman won't get mad at you for three months cuz she'll store. There's just a central information stream here in DC that's not like a city. Black folks in DC is just straight up funny. Oh my god. Look, [laughter] hold on. So many people who are big names [music] now are from out of this area. We had to have that inner humor, man, for the

34:42doldrums of other things that were being shot at us. Cuz that help you with girls, too. You know, Caucasians ran comedy. You had to be better to excel. I said A BROTHER WITH $400 MILLION CAN'T KEEP A [ __ ] A BROTHER WITH $100 AIN'T GOT A Dave Chappelle, Martin, Wanda Sykes, we were all really young. We got in Garbins. We got in the Comedy Cafe and we performed. DC being the mecca of comedy is is self-explanatory. [music] I was just in the man's bathroom. I don't know which one of you gentlemen used it and I'm no doctor, but you got around 3 months left. All the biggest stars. I'm married to a white French woman and I have two white kids. [ __ ] up my legacy. What's the deal, Pickles? Is everything kosher? All around funny cats, man. Right. And like you always know who The Virgo. That's the good thing about us maybe

35:41because we live a white collar blue collar life simultaneously. We come up knowing the principles of comedy like what really makes you funny, not just one joke. You here for a comedy show. You could you could walk up on on a show that might have a couple people you heard of. If you took all the comedians out of DC, it' be a dent in the industry. all these great talents in DC. You know what's in the water here? What what happens that that you can create a Tommy Davidson, Dave Chappelle, uh Chris Paul, Huggy Lowdown, you [ __ ] around, don't have fun today, be in the morning, wake up IN FRONT OF GOD, THEY BE LIKE, "SHOULD have had fun last night." [ __ ] how New York is the mecca of basketball, you know? We feel like we're the mecca of comedy. A ton of like live albums will be recorded here. If you were dark skinned,

36:30people just start joning on you. [laughter] And I use my wit as a defense mechanism to push them back. DC comedy is amazing because it comes on so many different levels. We just breathe funny people. And I don't know if it's that it's so many of us dead. DC always had to me the roughest crowds. Either they going to love you or you you got to go. DC area has [music] the most educated concentration of African-Americans in the country. The DC comics tend to be smart comedians. That was one of the things I always aspired to be. I can name 10 10 famous comedians, legendary comedians from this area, but they all got different styles. We have a great city in [music] Washington. We never get credit. We get blamed for all the politicians, but we never get credit for the great talent that comes out of here. If there's a battle, we're in the finals. The same

37:25way people say New Orleans is the home of jazz, I say DC is the home for standup comics. So, is this out? The mecca of comedy, the rise of standup comedy Washington the sizzle that the guy, his name is Parish, right? But is it uh is it completed? Is the film out now? I don't know. I did my interview. [clears throat] How long ago was that? I don't know, man. [laughter] Tony. Oh, man. I don't know. It was It was in the summer. I did it. Yeah. So, I mean, the sizzle is is dope. I like that. Well, it's it's undeniable that DC's produced a lot of [ __ ] talent. Some amazing talent has come out of that one area. How many clubs are in the in the DC area now? It's uh the the draft house. They have the Arlington Draft House, the DC Draft House. Uh they have the DC improv. They have uh the comedy loft which is it looks like the cellar and it's got like

38:23two levels so that's cool. Um and then there's comedy nights everywhere. And then up in Baltimore you have mcoobies and you have uh the comedy factory and then and all in between there comedy nights all over the place. So there's just like a whole scene. It it always was. it just kind of kind of fizzled a little bit and I think it's just resurgent with Netflix and stuff like that. People go, I want to see that joke alive, you know, and and and I think the internet guys got the audience reinterested in us because the internet guys, everybody love to go see him and then they say, "Wow, that that's all you got?" Because they don't realize when they see a little funny skit that lasts 15 seconds, then they go pay their money to go see this guy and that's all he got, right? 15 seconds. So people go, "Well, I want to see some comedy comedy." So bang. So

39:16I think they got reinterested in us. They're doing a lot of that now at some of these improvs where they have like a a Tik Tok star will come come on because they can get a bunch of people to come see them, but they don't have an act. Yeah. But they'll fill out the place. still sell out multiple nights in a row. Cuz my son says about some uh comedian like that. He goes, "I laugh about him, man. Me and my co-workers laugh about him all day at work. Dad, do you know him?" And like, "I don't I don't know this guy." And then I see what he's talking about and it is funny as I don't know what. It's [ __ ] 7 seconds long, right? [laughter] I'm like, and they just keep passing around. Look, and and then I'm like, and and you're going to pay $50 to go see that guy. I'm like, "What other videos he got?" He got some other stuff. She

39:58got some other stuff there. I'm like, you know, altogether just about two minutes of funny. [laughter] Well, there was there was comedians that what the girl's name is Angela Johnson was the girl that did that um nail salon bit, right? Is it was Angela Johnson? She the Vietnam Vietnamese nail salon bit. When she was uh a middle act, she was so popular that people would come to see her and leave before the headliner. Wow. So they were coming to see her, but she, you know, only was doing comedy a short period of time, but her, this bit that she had where she was imitating a Vietnamese nail salon lady was so good that people would come to see her. Wow. You got a version of it. This has 32 million views on YouTube. 32 million. [laughter] Watch this. It's [ __ ] great. It's a really good bit. But the point is like when she was just a middle act, she was

40:48doing this. This is her Johnson. It's actually Johnson. It's very Latina, right? I No, it's not at all. Actually, could you imagine introducing me to speak at Um, excuse me. It's John Sonz. Go to the the Vietnam thing. I don't watch the whole uncut version of it. I don't know where exactly it cut. Try right there. Right there. Sparkly. You take him with you. Huh? No. Yeah. See, she rided you. As soon as I walk in, they greet me right away. Hi, Oh. Um, can I get my nails done? Okay, honey. Do you lie? Pedicure, too. [laughter] Uh, no, no, just my nails. Honey, why you don't lie? [laughter] Pedicure. It may look nice. It's so It's better for you. [laughter] Oh. Oh, all right. Sure then. I'll get a pedicure, too. Thanks. Okay, honey. Sit down. Number six. My lings. She do for you. Good job. Only $20. That's okay. Sit down. Oh, okay. Thanks. So, my Ling starts

42:15doing my nails right away. Um, by the [laughter] Um, no. No. I I don't have a boyfriend. Honey, why you don't have? [laughter] You look so pretty like model, cheerleader, something pretty. You like long or short nail? Uh, short nails, please. Thanks. Oh, honey, that's why you don't have boyfriend. [laughter] I do for you. Long better. All right, fine. I'll have long nails. Thanks. It's okay, honey. Only $4 more. That's okay. [laughter] We get it. Yeah, but it's a it's a great bit. But the point It gets better. But the point is like that bit was it was like a closer bit and she got famous off of YouTube from that bit and she was a middle act but they she was selling out the venue. They were coming to see her. They were coming to see her and the headliner would go up, hey, how's everybody doing tonight? And then what about Chris Tucker, man, when he

43:29did his first death jam, man. He he I think he I think he had he he he didn't have that much time but he had 10 minutes that was fire. Yeah, that you know when he go hey man [laughter] it was like you robbed my mom. He something like he he tried to rob somebody. It was his mom. I I forgot how it go. What you doing pictures of my brothers in your pocketbook? Well, there's guys that like were coming up that had like a great middle set. Yeah. And then they had a headline so they had to stretch that middle set out to an hour. So they had to take that 25 minute set and make an hour out of it. But he he had a I I would I was I would describe Chris's first Def Jam set as a Ed Sullivan set because back in the day you see guys on Ed Sullivan and boom to you at home you think he did like an hour but it was just two and a half minutes but boom that Joker was selling

44:22out all over the place. You remember and my mom and him said we're going to go see such and such. He was on Ed Sullivan. Do you remember when Eddie Griffin did HBO when he had shorts on? What was that? Was that Def Jam that he did? Yeah. When he had the the the Yeah. Did Michael when he did Michael Jackson. That's Yeah, that's the one he the one when he came out with shorts on when he said about cocaine. I think it was. But I I just remember the power of the set. I don't remember the content, but I remember he murdered so [ __ ] hard. Smashed that. And he had so much energy back then. Well, remember he did he did Michael Jackson? He did the he did the the thing about uh cocaine. He said cocaine is like a prolific drug. He says, "Cuz he says, "You snuck cocaine." He goes, "I want to talk to somebody who's not here." And that's the guy who invented the

45:09Yeah. invented the telephone. Yeah. Yeah. I want to talk to somebody who's not here. Yeah. [laughter] Yeah. And I was there the day that Bernie did his thing. And um that was like a matinea show like 2:00 in the afternoon. The crowd just wasn't like uh and Angela Means went on. A friend of mine, Butch Burns, who's also from DC, he went on. Man, it didn't cuz I think I wouldn't say Butch bombed, but Butch stood there as if he was in a club like as if he was at the cellar. He just had his hand on the mic stand, you know, just, "Hey, what's up?" Like, "No, son. This ain't the spot for that, man. You got to come out on Yeah. You got to come out on some Joe Rogan. [screaming] [laughter] So, I mean, even I'm laidback, but when you see me on Death Jam, now I came out when Bernie came out and and goes, "I'm not afraid of none of you motherfuckers."

46:03I for kick it. Boom. It's just like boom. He just took it off when they were power. I know, but they were like, you know, cuz there was blood in the water and they they was like, "We're going to boo him too." [laughter] He said, "UHUH, NOT TODAY, MOTHERFUCKER." NO, Birdie had power. I saw Birdie at the Comedy Connection at Faniel Hall and uh I walked in while he was on stage and he was murdering man. Just waves of people just moving through the audience with laughter like falling out of their chairs just kill and and he like his his speech back his the way he talked was like when I hear my grandfather and his friends talk. Yeah. like all this like it was like he was from back in time some I'mma bust you in your head like that that's [laughter] old ass old man [ __ ] until you see the white me when I see you it's going to be a misunderstanding

46:55just [laughter] like that you know said I'mma kick your ass like boom he I love that dude he was something else there was some hot sets on Death Jam back then man yeah for sure for sure you uh when what year did you start um the third Thursday in May of ' 86. 86. That was the the height, right? That was like the when comedy like the ' 80s boom. '8s boom. I went in the first time in 1983. I was in the Navy and um and one of my guys, he was like 30 years old and I was I was like I was like uh 18. So to me, he was a grown genius man. He he told me how funny I was cuz uh Eddie Murphy was on the cover of Time magazine with a red baseball cap doing like this and he said you could do that Woods. I'm like I would never wear that cap. [laughter] He's like he's like no man you could you could do that. You could I'm like I'm like what are you talking about? So he

47:55went as far as to call the Comedy Cafe is where is me and Dave and all of us started out in DC. He called him up set up. He said, "Go down there, man. You know, do they just talk about the same [ __ ] you talk about here at work, man. I'm telling you, go down there." And it was the first live comedy show. Kevin Lee, who juggles, you know him? He juggles. Anyway, he was he was there. And you seen jugglers on TV and and they always go, "Oh my god, that's amazing. Oh my god, that's so amazing. He juggling this that and he juggle and bam, [ __ ] dropped the bowling ball." What? That was the funniest [ __ ] I [laughter] ever seen. because I thought he did it on purpose to because it went bam, everybody jumped and [ __ ] and he just kind of picked it up real quick and kept juggling and I was like

48:40and then everybody else was going everybody was like to me everybody was [ __ ] super funny and then I remember um uh uh what's his name? He just passed away. Uh William Stevenson. Okay. William Stevenson was the MC and he said uh next we have another funny human being. remember he used to always have funny human being. He says it's a new guy Tony Woods and everybody start clapping and me too. I was clapping too like where's Tony Woods? Cuz I'm not going up I'm like I'm not ready for this. So I didn't go on stage again for three more years man. And when I did go me and my buddy Vance used to go to the comedy club and every week I put my name on the list chicken out. But we sit and hear a little hear some jokes. So the next morning my wife would say, "How was it last night?" Cuz me and Vance would hang out in the comedy club for maybe 30

49:35minutes for it and then go to ladies night at this nightclub and then you know so um in the morning she would go, "How was it last night?" She was good. She said, "What you talk about?" So I was like, "Oh, I did my thing about how girls look like a cockatu, right?" And she go, "Oh, that's pretty good." You know, I mean, whatever I heard that caught my ear that night, I would tell her. And I remember she was brushing her teeth one time and I said somebody else a joke and she go funny. And she didn't laugh. She go, "That were funny." Like, "Okay." She starts to tell everybody that I'm doing comedy. And everybody's like, "Yeah, we want to come see you." I'm like, "Ah, man. Well, you know, you don't want to come down. It's be so late at night." [ __ ] then one day, it was the third Thursday in May and she said, "The executives are going

50:22out of town. We don't have to work tomorrow." So your mom's going to keep the baby and I'm going with you. oh my [laughter] god. I'm like you know what I was thinking man you could just we need to spend time together. We just my mom got the baby just have like you know a little blockbuster night you know just no I'm going to the comedy. I want to see you. Oh, [gasps] that was a long day, Joe. Cuz all day long I'm like, "What the [ __ ] am I going to do? What the [ __ ] am I going to?" So, I write write down stuff. I forget everything I wrote down. But go down there. While we're sitting there watching the other comedians, she would nudge me. She go, "He's doing your joke." Oh, no. [laughter] Other comedians. And I'm like, "No." I said, "No, the comedians, they get together and and they share jokes." She [laughter] said, "But then they call

51:18me up. I forgot what I was gonna say. I said, "Uh, you guys look good. You guys smell good." And then this guy in the front says his leg is shaking because my leg was [laughter] shaking. And I said, "Hey, your stomach's shaking." And I said, "Hey, but don't worry about it, man. I used to be fat, too." And then I said, "I was a whopping 70 pounds." And I said, "But I was only this tall." And the rest I guess God sent it to me because I did this whole bit about setting my mom's bed on fire and all this other [ __ ] My cat talking to me. Oh, it was just bang bang bang. And I remember before I went on stage, the fat doctor that night was the host. And the fat doctor said, "Where do you want your light?" And I said, "Like right in the front." [laughter] And I didn't know what the [ __ ] that meant. Like, what do you want your light

52:03means? You want a two-minute light, three minute light, four minute light? He said, "Hey man, where you want your light at?" I'm like, like right in the front. That's good. I remember him looking at me like, "The stupid. So, but I went up and I killed and then bang the light came on say good night Tony Woods like that right just ran off and everybody and Martin Lawrence and Pierre and all them shaking my hands every they using comedy stuff like hey man good set and all this I'm like all right you know and I I sat there and it was kind of shortlived because I sat down with my wife my and my boy Vance and my boy Vance I told you I told you I told you which he kind of was almost telling her that this is his first time. But he was telling me, but he didn't he didn't he didn't say nothing. Didn't actually say it. The next guy came on was a professional.

52:55He says, "From the pro side, we got this guy." And he went up. He wasn't doing so good cuz I had [ __ ] ripped. First time. First time. Cuz I was nervous. [laughter] And then I then then she said, "You need to tell them that they need to stop paying you up in here." Huh? [laughter] She said, "You have been coming here for over 6 months." Oh, no. And [laughter] you one of funniest ones tonight. You need to go back there and tell them other comedians to give you some money. Oh, no. I said, "Well, we know I could do it next week." You know what I'm saying? She No, cuz they all back there. I'm like, "Okay." So, I went I walked I walked in the back and good thing the guy you saw, Andy Evans, who was like the godfather. It's a good thing he was there because I was like I said, "Yo, what's up, man? How I get paid up there?" And he goes, "Huh?" I said, "How

53:49[clears throat] do I get paid?" He goes, "Oh, hold on. I'll be right back. I I'm going go get the guy who can pay you." I'm like, "Okay." Like, yeah. Cuz I look back at her like, "Yeah, I got this [ __ ] [laughter] I got this shit." Boom. Him and all the other comedians cuz they back on the stairwell. They all behind the bar. They all come up. They go, "What's up, brother? What you say cuz everybody's looking at me. I'm like I said I I said um you know how um like how do you get paid to do comedy in? He go no that ain't what you said. You said hey [ __ ] how I get paid like that. He said he just overdid it. He said I grabbed [laughter] him in the car and said [ __ ] you better give me some money or something like that. I'm like no they do. And they all started laughing. And then I never forget they

54:36was all laughing. And then cuz they knew it was my first time. And then fat doctor came and he goes, "Whoa, hold up. Wait a minute. What's your name, man?" I said, "Tony Woods." He goes, "Yeah, man. That that was you up there, wasn't it?" I'm like, "Yeah." He goes, "I'm going tell you something, man. Look what you did tonight. Do that about 500 more times, then come back and talk to us. Get the [ __ ] out of my face." I like a And they were all laughing. And I went back over there with my wife and she said, "So what' they say?" Cuz they they must like they like you cuz they still laughing. [ __ ] them. [laughter] They all still remember that. They was all back there laughing and just having a good time. But how long was it before you started getting paid? As a matter of fact, that guy Andy Evans put me on a TV show two months later. It

55:25was a public access show. I didn't get paid, but but from the public access show I got paid. It was me, Warren Hudson, Wanda Sykes. Um, no, Wanda wasn't there yet. It was uh Robin Montigue, uh, Tommy Davidson, a lot of us. But me and Warren and Martin Lawrence were open micers and and so the the real comedians like, "What are they doing here?" Cuz we were sitting there like first day of school, the three of us like, "When [snorts] do I go on? There you go. Nerve. Yeah. So, but but we all did we all did well. That was public access and uh but yeah, we've been rocking ever since. I guess what how many years in do you think were you a professional? Like how many years did it take before you started getting paid? Yeah. I don't I don't I don't Yeah. It didn't take me years. I um I did the TV show and then I would just go on stage

56:18and just go to sleep like other people were writing jokes. I wasn't. I was just talking about stuff that had happened to me and just twisting it around and doing this. So one year in this guy is in the audience from BET and he he says that was great. I want you to be on this TV show called Tell Me Something Good. I'm like okay. He says game show and it's on BET. I'm like what's that? He goes black entertainment television. I remember I laughed and he gave me his card like yeah. I said this [ __ ] would be cool as [ __ ] you know, if it if it was because there was no cable TV in DC at that time. Oh. So, the next day, my my dispatcher calls me said, "Yo, trip 77, you going to drop off your packages to set to another courier cuz you got to you got to uh give your wife a landline. You got to go home emergency." I'm like, "Oh [ __ ]

57:09what the fuck?" And she says, "Yo, I checked the messages." Said, "A guy named Stu Perkins from Black Entertainment Television calls you and he wants you on the show today." I'm like, "Yeah, that clown talking about." She says, "You never heard of it?" I'm like, "What the [ __ ] is that?" I'm like, "We got a network, [laughter] for real?" I was And so I I went home, boom, got changed, went down to Duke Street in Virginia and did it. It was a live taping of a a game show called Tell Me Something Good. And people would actually call in and answer the question. was like on a maybe a 10-second delay. You you know you couldn't do that now. Everybody be cursing and stuff like this. This is like 1988. And then Joe, right after that, there's a contest uh called the National Lampoon Comedy Playoffs, right? Nationwide. Leslie Nielson was the host

58:05out in Vegas and did that and you only had to have uh seven minutes. Boom. I smashed that [ __ ] and went [laughter] and and went to Vegas and met Leslie Nilson and and that's when my gambling problem started. [laughter] Okay, this is a good thing. So, we check into the Sahara is not even there no more. So, my last name is Woods. That's a W. Everybody had their rooms. Boom. And the lady said, "Well, you know you wood, so we're going to have to put you on such and such floor." Right? Because this back in the day when only a few people had the car the magnetic thing I had to so I had to stick it in the elevator to go up to my floor. I had the DOUBLE DOORS LIKE WHAT? IT LOOKED LIKE the [ __ ] room in Hangover. Wow. Like what the [ __ ] And so everybody knows that I'm only two years in on comedy something like that. So they said

58:58poolside interview. I get down there I'm talking to the all the working comedians like yo man you see the room? They like, "Hm, first time in a hotel, buddy." [laughter] Like, you know, like I'm like, "Fuck, these dudes stay in rooms like this all the time, [laughter] right?" And then so we all hang out and then uh say, "Yo." And everybody's like, "Yo, we're going to go get I said, "Yo, we can go to my room. I got I got beer and wine and stuff in my room and sodas and what? You went shopping?" Like it's in my room. And we go upstairs, n and I stick the card key in and we go up to the floor. I got the double doors going. Everybody's like, "What the fuck?" That is when the rumor started that I was a shoe in. I was [ __ ] around going around pretending I didn't know anything about comedy. Like I was like, "Hey man, so what comedy club do you who

59:50do I call to get to that comedy club? Do I send them a tape like that?" Because I that was really me. But they were like, "Yeah, it was the [ __ ] you doing?" Like that. like it was a set. And then on top of that, I [ __ ] ripped on the thing. So they like, "Nah, this motherfucker." They thought it was a setup. That was a setup. So they thought you were just a longtime pro and it was all [ __ ] Yeah, I was bullshitting and you were a rigged guy. Yeah. They like I was like I was a a shoe in. I was just in there. Yeah. But I I was I was actually a new dude. The one of the things that people have always asked me about you, they go, "Where's his specials?" Like how come he doesn't have specials out? cuz people so many people talk about how funny you are, but they go, "How do I see him?" Do you do you have any specials? Have

60:34you put out any specials? I did a I did a special uh in Australia some years ago by accident. It was [laughter] It was on the Comedy Channel. They still talk about it in Australia. That's the first time me and Gre Barnes went over there the first time. And I was the last one, right? You're supposed to do seven minutes TV taping. I was the last one. I was smashing that [ __ ] killing. And boom, the after you hear the the the announcer go, "Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Woods." Cuz I had done 25 minutes. Oh, so he said it while you were on stage talking. Yeah, cuz I was killing I was going to stop. But it worked out like You ever see that movie Old Brother? Yeah. So the rest of the festival, me, Greb Barnes, Renee Hicks, and this Sue I think Sue Miller or Sue Murphy, we were there and I was supposed to be the headliner.

61:32I just it just wasn't hitting. It just I just I could do other people's show. I could go to Joe's show and rip, but in my show, it just I was like, "Fuck." I just I couldn't get it. And everybody's like, "Is this the guy?" [gasps] Then they said, "Do you want to go on the road?" So, we're gonna go on the road and they have a tour, B tour, C tour. So, they put me on a tour and since my shows weren't all that good, they had me in the opening spot. Like they have a MC one, two, and uh what do you call intermission and then and then one or two more guys? [snorts] And do you ever see Old Brother out there with George Clooney? Yeah. And remember, they had been on the run. They doing all this other [ __ ] and then they snuck on. they was going to get a gig and they walked out on stage and they said soggy bottom boys EVERYBODY [screaming]

62:21CUZ THE [ __ ] had aired on television the set that I had done when I was talking about the the nursery rhymes not nursery rhymes I was talking about like Little Red Riding Hood and all that you know like uh what's her name the the the criminal girl you know okay the the the one where I say the girl has a she she walks into the gate that's trespassing she never knocks she is twisted that's unlawful full entry and it's the [ __ ] got a lot of charges. Then she sit down to eat the food. Oo, this food too hot, [ __ ] This ain't your food. [laughter] Get the [ __ ] out of here. You know, and so it's a whole long story that I do with that. And um dude, I had like a two to three minute standing ovation applause break. Wow. Cuz everybody's like, "That's the guy. That's the song about them boys.

63:15And then that and then so boom, no one could follow that. So boom, the next night they go, "Well, we'll have you close the first half." Okay. Boom. And then so at I was closing the show and they had a group act. They had a guys who three men who juggle and do all the all. I had to close the [ __ ] show behind them because every little town we was going in Australia, they was going nut. I walk out there go, "Wow." Where's the the road managers was going, "Okay, everybody get ready like that." Because I would walk out of small towns and they just go from this one accidental comedy special. Yeah. Now, how come you didn't do more after that? I don't know, man. [laughter] I mean, you've been doing comedy 30 plus years. Yeah. Like, you are the one of the best comics ever that doesn't have a special. Oh, no. the best comic ever that doesn't

64:07have special. How about that? Oh, wait. I did I did the Comedy Central special. Remember that? Oh, when was that? I think that was 2000 or 2001, something like that. Comedy Central. And was that a half hour or I think 20 minutes. Me, Zack, Fernakaris, and um brother. Yeah. Keep going, man. It's like heavy D the B. [clears throat] Yeah, but you'd haven't done like an hour special. No, it was me, Zack, the Scar brothers, and Tom Papa. Oh, I love Tom Papa. Yeah, we did that. And cuz Tom Papa me is uh what's his name? Jack Benny. Yeah, very similar. Yeah. Yeah. Tom Papa looks like he belongs in another time era. Yeah. When he's on stage. What was the black dude with Jack Benny? Was this Rosco or Winchester? Oh, I don't I never watched that show. Who? He had to It was It was black. It was black comedy, but it black people didn't like it, but it was uh it was

65:13funny [ __ ] He said cuz he would say [ __ ] like he said, "Rosco, you know, I think I see the bear. Give me the rifle. Rosco, give me the rifle." And then he looked back. Rosco's like, "I'M IN THE CAR, BOSS." Like that. Just It was very bad, but it was very This is it right here. It's time. Boom. That's him. That's the black dude right there. What's his name? What was his name? Rochester. Rochester Anderson. Rochester Anderson died in 1977. Wow. Jack Benny. Yeah. And look at it. Look like Tom Papa standing there a little bit. Yeah. That could be Tom Papa. See you got the Tom See, look at that down the bottom. See that's Tom Papa right there. If you took Tom Papa and shoved him in another time, he'd fit right in in the Jack Benny era. There's a lot of dudes like that that seem like So, look at Rochester look a little bit like Roy

66:07Wood Jr. a little bit right there. Look at Jack Benny with Marilyn Monroe. Where? Right there. Is that Jane Mansfield? No, that's Marilyn Monroe. That's Marilyn Monro. God damn, she was hot. Look at He got that I hit that look. Look at He got that look like he, you know, he done something something terrible. Look at him. He's gripping her waist, too. Yeah. Did he date her or something? It looked like he hit it. It seems like they were pictures of them together. I'm suspicious. Her waist is small, boy. She's being that big. [laughter] And that's natural. That's like No. No gym time at all. Women didn't even know you could exercise back then. That [ __ ] looked like Dracula when he was younger, though. Oh, right there. Yeah, totally. Oh, on the news on NBC radio. Ain't that wild, man? That people used to do comedy on the radio. They used to

67:07do like sketches and [ __ ] on the radio. You know who else has that oldtimey voice? Dan Natman. Oh, okay. Yeah. He uh Did you ever see that movie about Seab Biscuit and the guy who was doing the announcers? No. What do you say there? Right. The guy from Shameless, he was the voice in that movie about the the horse. Oh, I know who you're talking about. I watch too much movies. But Joe, I tell you, my career has kind of been like uh Forest Gump, the character Forest Gump. You know, people always go, "What happened?" You know, but everything that happened, like a lot of the big [ __ ] that happened in comedy, I was right there. I I don't know what happened. I was I was right there. And then people like remember when Forest said, "So one day I just started running." [laughter] They don't know why people's following

68:00them. Like people go, "Oh my god, you've influenced SO MANY PEOPLE." OH MY. I don't know why the [ __ ] they following me, dog. Like [laughter] it's not I'm not just leaving my special. I'm not just leaving my successful film career. I'm not just leaving my uh my sitcom career. I'm not leaving none of that [ __ ] I'm just running [laughter] and [ __ ] is just following me and then they they hang on they hang on my words. Sometimes I'm just talking in my own head. Really remember when uh when the guy came up and the the mud splash and he he and he said [ __ ] and then he says it happens like that. Yeah. And it's been times when I've run into comedians and go, "Yo, I will never forget the time that you said to me." Because because you know the guys they come on, I say, "Yo, good set, man."

68:52They go, "You liked it?" I'm like, "Son, you changed my life." Right? Which is better than like some comedians go, "You need to get out of the business." Right? As a matter of fact, somebody said that to him, to that guy who who's who plays Eddie Murphy's son in the new um what's his name? Damon Jamon Jamal. I forgot his name. I know him though. He plays Damon Wayne. No, he plays Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy's son in the new Coming to America. I don't know who that. But anyway, he's from DC, too. Okay. And I remember when he had first moved to New York and he just called me up one day just kind of he said, "Man, do you think I moved to New York too soon? You think?" And he used those exact words and we both know who the [ __ ] said that. He said, "Do you think I need to get out the business?" And I was like, "Man, [ __ ] that dude." Who said it?

69:40You know [clears throat] who who used to always say that? He need to get out the business. Patrice. Nah. [laughter] Who? Who said it? You know who used to say that. No. Did you get any chicken fingers at Chick-fil-A? Well, then I don't know. with I don't like dis disrespect the dead. I don't know what you're saying. You'll figure it out soon. [laughter] No idea what you're talking about. Worry about man sometime my jokes in the future. Okay. We don't have to talk about it. But did it ever occur to you that like, man, I need to get out like an hour special because so many people would come to see you just based on other people's recommendations, based on having seen you before. I mean, you always did well. Everybody loved you. Some sometimes I'll have an amazing two and a half hour set and some little clip like I just did the dead crow, right?

70:35And then I'll be somewhere big and it' be like, "Yeah, he was good. He was good." Yeah. But I But when it's like when it Yeah, man. I don't know. I don't know what this is. But you know, but I know you're working on a special right now. Yeah, they are. And and that's what because they keep saying, "Hey, man, you ready?" I'm like, "I was [ __ ] ready when you asked me the first time." But who are you doing it with? The The only time I wasn't ready, and ironically enough, the goddamn special was called They Ready. [laughter] Godamn no, I'm not right now. Cuz that's when Tiffany called and said, "Yo, doing this They Ready special. Come on, get on." Cuz cuz she said, "These guys been around blah blah." But at that point, we had been sitting still, dude. I had, you know, I was driving for GrubHub, you know, just this during co

71:32during co and I like I was in Amsterdam cuz cuz David gave me a shout out on um on the the Mark Twain Award and things just started popping. Things started popping, man. And I was over there in Amsterdam was a guy named James Alter was doing Caroline. I mean, you know, boom, just killing it. and that I came back I came back on a Sunday. [ __ ] closed down on I think that Monday over there. Then that weekend I went to uh Minneapolis and then that so that was my last gig before that and I just jumped right on and started working with GrubHub and I forgot the point I was making. Joe, well you were talking about they Ready. Oh yeah, they ready. So, so, [laughter] so it's it's like and then she called me up like boom. I'm like, [sighs] I ain't that ready, you know? I'm I'm I'm not I'm not that I was not that ready. I had gotten so comfortable like

72:29and imagine in over 30 years. That was the first time I slept in the same bed for more than [ __ ] 10 days. Wow. Yeah. for more than for more than 10 days. Well, it was like three months, I slept in the exact same bed. No matter where I went and snuck around and did some little dirty co shows, I still still came back to the same house and washed my hands real vigorously like [laughter] hope I don't make y'all sick, but I need these streets. I need these streets. The only time I got nervous if I get the test is when I went to Yellow Springs and Dave's like, "Yeah, man. Went you out here, man. You got to do this." And that night went to this little [ __ ] in DC in the alley like everybody going in there. Don't say nothing. Lock the door doing comedy and everybody's inside. You can't smoke outside. You smoke outside.

73:19Somebody's going to see, hey, what's going on over there? So, lock the door. It's like little peepphole. And then the next day, they flew us out to Yellow Springs. And I'm like, and and you know, they give you the little like, now if you test positive, uh, the, you know, don't take your [ __ ] out the car cuz it's going to take you right back [laughter] to the jet. I was like, [ __ ] And everybody was there. Kevin and everybody was here was like, damn, man. I done [ __ ] up. But you didn't get it. I didn't get it. Yeah. Not going to win. That was the That was That was the only time I was worried about it. You think you might have got it in January of 2020, though? I'm sure I got in January. I got in January at a New Year's Eve party in DC. Yeah. And I made myself well because I had Carolines for the first time in years.

74:06Oh yeah. In years. You you know you sure you remember Carolines? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So I was there one time. I was hanging out with one of the guys who who worked there and we drinking cuz it was snowing a big snowstorm. Snowing and Rock was going to be there that night. But I stopped by like around 4 in the afternoon cuz I ain't got no show. After that, I was gonna get on the train to go down to the Boston Coma. So, my man came and he's handicapped. Uh, you know, uh, I ain't gonna say his name, but he's a very good friend of mine from Philadelphia. How many more hands you need? Anyway, he fell. That's not the funny part. He fell down the steps. Yeah. Like in Eddie Murphy. I'm all I'm halfway down. And you know that landing at Carolines. Bam. [snorts] I know. And like you like but we go when he said that you like you like man I

75:00thought you but he only had a cut over his eye. And we have been drinking. Day drinking. I don't day drink man. You know sometimes you say [ __ ] you shouldn't say right. You don't say [ __ ] that [ __ ] I sue Carolines. Why you sitting in [laughter] Oh no. While you sitting in Carolines drinking free liquor and eating free food. You know what I'm saying? YEAH, [ __ ] THAT. IF I WAS YOU, [ __ ] I WAS SU like that was that was why not. That's when I get drunk, you have to spell my name backwards. [laughter] That [ __ ] That [ __ ] He don't know how to act, man. [clears throat] That [ __ ] I'm like, Tony didn't say that. Tonyy's a nice guy. He never say that, but that [ __ ] Why not? [snorts] Why not said that? And then nobody ever said anything

75:46except for Barry. Barry said, "Uh, well, why would you say something like that?" Yeah. Why would you say something like that, man? I'm like, I wouldn't I mean, that's what people say. That's what people say in the black neighborhood. Like, you see black people jaywalk and they go, I wish that [ __ ] would hit me. You know, YOU DON'T YOU don't wish he would hit you, but that's just some [ __ ] we say. Yeah. You know, [ __ ] talking. Yeah. [ __ ] talking. I was just talking [ __ ] Yeah. Normal. Normal [ __ ] wasn't working at Carolinas no more, though. That was it. That was [laughter] it. Until Dave gave me a shout out. Oh, really? Yeah. They cut you off from that. Nobody ever cut me off. It just just never happened again. Yeah. We don't have any more veils. So, when Dave gave you the shout out on

76:29the Mark Twain Award, did that open up a lot of doors for you? Yeah, it did. I was just telling you, I was like, we was getting it. We was kicking it. And then the then the co [ __ ] happened. And then Tiffany, you know, and Whiz, it's a good thing I had a fan base cuz people was like, "We saw you and it was good. Listen, we know you're funny. What the [ __ ] That ain't the compliment I want." You know, right? Like you're like, "Yeah, we know you're funny. Those other people just didn't get it." But it was, first of all, it was outdoors and it was a low hanging fog, so it made it like a theater. First first night I wasn't getting it all, but the second night and it was it was [snorts] kind of I put a whole bunch of different little sets together. Yeah. But to get back to your um special, I don't know. [laughter]

77:21Who is who is who is producing your special? David. David Chappelle. Oh, David. Dave's doing Earthquake, too. Yeah, he's a local comedian from Washington DC area. Oh, David Chappelle. Dave Chappelle. Yeah, I'm I'm aware of him. [laughter] So, I love that Dave's doing yours and he's doing earthquakes, too. And and Donell's, too. And he's doing Donnell's beautiful. Darnell and and um and Quake have already done it. Yes. Yeah. So, is is um yours going to be for Netflix? Is it going to Do you know what it's going to be for? I I don't know. I better [laughter] I've never met a man as good as you at comedy that's so [ __ ] casual about his career. It's hilarious. Yeah, man. You can't be tripping out about [ __ ] you know? No. I know, but you take it to another level. You take You can't be tripping out about

78:07[ __ ] to like as far as it can go. Like I can't even see him. What is he doing out there? He's uh You can't be tripping out about [ __ ] but he's just doing it a 100 miles away. Well, as I drive down the road of life, Joe. Yes. Sometimes I say, "God, just give me a sign." And then it'll be a yellow light and I go, "I can make [gasps] Yeah, it's um it's a funny thing. Like there's there's these guys that we all know that are like these legendary comedians that uh all the comedians respect, all the comics love, but for whatever reason, they don't get the same amount of appreciation from, you know, whether it's from Netflix or from whatever, they just, you know, and that's you. You're the you're one of those guys. That's one of the reasons why we brought you up so many times on the podcast. I I I noticed something some years ago. It's uh we was

79:06in town for the Death Jam tapings and um like people kept coming by to go, "Hey, what's up y'all comedians? Yo man, you funny." [ __ ] Oh man, you crazy. And then people always take a pause and they go, "Hey man, I love you, man." Nobody ever say that I'm funny. They just go, "I love you, man." Like that. like you know and then sometimes like people leave the show and they go you know I don't even like comedy but uh yeah you was good I don't even like comedy what do you say to those people [snorts] I just go why why don't you like comedy I just go thanks you know like like a lot of times go I only came cuz she told me to come okay you enjoy yourself [ __ ] [laughter] well some people they're reluctant to give you compliments yeah but But very seldom do I hear funny. It's usually I love you, man. It's just, you know, oh my god, I love

80:02you like that. It's never like you are so [ __ ] funny. No, just it's like calm. Yeah. There you go. I love you. All right. I love you, too, I guess. [laughter] So, you don't even have like a time schedule for when you going to do your special? I'm I'm assuming it's going to be on Netflix. Hurry up cuz [ __ ] is dying like dogs, man. And every time I turn around, somebody die. That was kind of depressing, wasn't it? That is true. Well, as we get older. Yeah, that's just uh the fact of the life we're living. You know, we were uh I was on the phone when you got in here uh with Joey Diaz who uh just caught CO. He's fine. He's all good. We got him vitamin drips and monoconal antibodies and all that [ __ ] No, Joey's in New Jersey now. He's living in New He's the king of New Jersey. I went to visit him down there.

80:51Went to a restaurant. Everybody knows him. Was hilarious. I was like, "Damn it, he's never leaving New Jersey." Cuz I wanted him to come to Austin. But as soon as I saw him in New Jersey, I was like, "All right, I get it. I get it. This is his spot. He belongs there. I'll just fly him out." Mike Robas was sick, I think, too. Oh, yeah. I think he was I saw it on Facebook. How's he doing now? He's doing good. When I first moved to New York, that's the first uh TV spot I did. Oh, really? Koko on um Okay. Uh Mike Robers was on the on the Spanish channel. And at the time, my dad lived up in Washington Heights. He still lives in Washington Heights, like up uh 200th and Broadway, way up there. And one night I go to the bedgo and the little the little Dominican lady, she said, and she's having her her grandson is laughing like [ __ ] and telling me he

81:44said, "Yo, she saw you on television." And she said she's so proud of you. She says because she could tell you was having problems with your English, but you stuck with it and showed them [laughter] that you could do it in You're like, "Bitch, that's the only thing I speak." That's the only thing [laughter] I speak. But she was like, she was like, "You know, I saw you having some problems. You kind of slowed down a couple times." That's hilarious. [laughter] Yeah. He was like, "That's hilarious." her grandson was like, "Yo, cuz he he knew who I he, you know, see me and uh as a matter of fact, he used to call me Khor. That's how you say what time is it?" Yeah. So when I would be going to an audition or something in the morning, we walk into the train and I noticed people used always go and they go, "Yeah, what's up Tony?" [laughter]

82:42I thought they see me. I thought they see me on Death Jam. I just knew whatever they were saying was a [ __ ] question, right? I didn't know they because they go khor and I go Tony [laughter] and then they do like this. They point at the watch and they go, "Oh, it's such and such a time." And I didn't put two and two together, right? That they were asking me, "What time is it?" What time? Yeah, it's all good. So this thing with Dave, you don't like cuz Earthquake is wondering when his is coming out too. Well, he did he did his already and he doesn't exactly know when it's coming out, but man, it's hard to like cuz you know Dave said, "Hey, man, whenever you ready." I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, I'm ready." And then she said, "Just let me know." I'm letting you know. [laughter] Let's go. Right. But I mean, you know, next you every time you turn around, man, dude's

83:38chasing him with dresses on, all kind of [ __ ] going [laughter] on. He said, "Tie up your shoes, son. You in Run, Dave. Run. That's hilarious. That shit's died down, though. Yeah, they're leaving him alone now. You just But you just realizing how many of the people that are upset at him didn't even watch the special. Yeah, they watched the special and you still are angry at him and you missed the point. The same We was uh where the It was somewhere, man. It's me. I was on on the road with Louis CK. So, I go outside the comedy club, some people out there having a silent protest, and I'm like, "Yo, what's up? What's going on?" And the girl says, "There's a comedian in there, and he's performing, and um he's really uh he's racist. He's name all of the [ __ ] that they said he is. He's sexist, transphobic, yeah, homophobic." I'm like, "What?"

84:32And she had said all this [ __ ] I'm say, "He racist, too?" [laughter] She would say, I said, "Well, [ __ ] that. give me a sign. Right. And she and she was like she was like, "No, no, no. We're having a silent protest." I'm like, "Nah, [ __ ] that." I said, "Is there a picture right there?" I'mma [ __ ] him up now. I don't have to stand in line. I cut right through the line and go in the back. I forgot to cl Where is it? It's somewhere, man. But it's like they got a back room with karaoke. Like you walk through the back. I go in the back. I forgot all about that. I was [ __ ] with that girl. I didn't think that nothing was going to happen. Some back there. And then boom, she comes in with the police and [ __ ] and she's like, you know, she wanted to go that's him, but she because she was like

85:16right to you. No, to the policeman. To the policeman. Cuz we all sitting in the back, right? You know, just talking about whatever. It's me, uh, Lynn Copitz. And we all just sitting there and and the girl, you know, cuz the girl and the policeman and the and the manager or the owner of the club come in cuz they thought that you were going back there to [ __ ] up the comedian. [ __ ] up Louis. Yeah. Cuz cuz she saw me. I dipped all your back. So she called the police. She didn't call. The police was right there. Okay. So she got the police and she says, "I think that guy's going back there to do something to the community. [ __ ] up Louis CK." Yeah. [laughter] So when she come in and she see me "That's the [ __ ] right there. That's the [ __ ] right there." [laughter] And what happened? And I'm like, "OH, WHAT'S UP,

86:04CHARLOTTE?" LIKE she was LIKE I'M LIKE, "YEAH, I GOT THAT MOTHERFUCKER." LIKE I WAS JUST JOKING AROUND, RIGHT? And and then Yeah. And then she ended up she didn't know what Louis had done. She took pictures. They gave her a t-shirt for the club. She took a picture with Louis in [laughter] the green room and all. She took a picture. Yes. She was just there because her uh some girl from her college said, "Yeah, let's go do this. Let's goest protest." She say, "All right, I'll go." That's the thing, man. It's like so many of the people that like they haven't even thought it through. They don't even know what he did. Yeah. I know what he did. If you were in the room with Lo Louie when he jerked off and he said, "Can I jerk off in front of you?" And you said yes. I guess you got an argument that maybe you shouldn't have been asked that question. Yeah.

86:52Because it puts you in an uncomfortable situation. Remember that joke that Kevin Brennan used to have about consent? No, I don't know. He said he says, "So on the college campus, he me the girl goes, "Can I kiss you?" "Yeah, you can kiss me." You know, "Can I can we make out? Can we do this?" She says, "So it gets hot and heavy." So they they're having sex. He says, "Boom. Can I do a doggy?" I said, "Yeah." Yeah. And then he says [laughter] he says, "Can I stick it in your He said, "Can I stick it in your butt?" SHE GOES, "WHAT?" HE GOES, "Do they sell chicken He said, "It was a little Kevin used it was a funny joke. You know how it is, right?" He goes, "Uh, and like cuz everything she everything she's down for everything and then go, you know, can I can I stick it in your butt?" What? Cuz [laughter] did you know do they sell chicken fingers at Pizza Hut?

87:48So it was like that consent [ __ ] It's funny when Kevin do it. It's a timing thing. But that uh when you were opening for Louis. So that was after the controversy. That was after the controversy. We started doing shows again. We went to Portugal together. Oh yeah. Portugal. We went to Portugal and then we went to uh What is it like doing comedy in Portugal? It was dope. Guess who I'm hung out with? Who? The the the [ __ ] wizard. Is he the mayor or the governor of uh on Queen of the South? Queen of the South. What is that? It's a Netflix uh thing. Oh, I don't know that. Okay. He uh What is Queen of the South? It's It's like the biggest one. And he plays He's the third lead character. Oh, I've never heard of the show. Have you heard of uh Queen of the South? No. There's so many shows though. It's a Here we go. This is it right here. Which

88:36guy did you hang out with? Uh okay. I never even heard of this [ __ ] show. You never? Okay. From 2016. How is he not on the first row? Maybe he lied. No, he is. He's like That's him right there. Which one? Right there. Go back. The second one. That guy. That guy right there. Yeah, he lives in Portugal. How do you say his [snorts] name? I don't know. Wim de Alamea, right? Wim Alamea. Yeah, that guy. So, he lives in Portugal. It is in Portugal. How the [ __ ] is there a show that has been going on since 2016 I'm just hearing about now? Man, this is like one of the hottest shows that thing. There's so many. But what about this guy? This is my man right here. Let me scroll back down. I want you to see this guy. Which guy? I hate this one. But he's so good that you hating him. You hate him? That guy. Oh, yeah. Did you see um did you see um Apocalyptto?

89:29Yes, I did. Yeah. Oh, that's right. That guy in space and everything. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he was amazing. He was. And he said, "Oh, he was amazing." Where is he at in Apocalyptto? Is he up there? How do you say his name? Gerardo. See right there? That's him in Apocalyp. Tarina. That guy was a bad [ __ ] Right there. Okay. See him in Apocalyptto. Oh yeah. And I like the part when he go he jumped off the waterfall. He said he said, "Hey, my grandfather hunted in this forest. My father hunted in this forest. And my son and my son's sons were hunting this forest. [ __ ] you." And they said, "No, [ __ ] you." And they jumped off the waterfall, too. He [laughter] said, "You don't remember that?" I do remember that. Okay. That was a good [clears throat] man. That movie was amazing. That was, man, it was a wild ass [ __ ] movie.

90:14That was a dope movie. Apocalyp. That guy. He was a [ __ ] [ __ ] But yeah, he was an [ __ ] Yeah, he's in Queen of South, too. He was the main He was the that You mean he's an [ __ ] in the show? No. Yeah, on that show, too. On on Queen of South, too. He He's that guy's henchman. Oh, okay. The guy who I hung out with in Portugal. He's that guy's henchman. What is Queen of the South about? Uh cocaine. Oh. And it's about it's on the it's on the cartel level. Oh. It's it's uh basically they're big drug dealers who buy it straight from the cartel. So like how how Pablo uh Escobar was the cartel, right? They're buying from So they would buy it from Pablo and then distribute it. Yes. Yeah. And distribute it. Yeah. They get their hands dirty. Oh, I'm sure. And um Oh, yeah. Then after that, we went to uh Brussels. No, we went to Paris.

91:09Went to Paris. Then we went What is it like doing stand up in Paris? Snobby [laughter] [ __ ] Is it like that? [clears throat] But it was good. They they It's Yeah, they they were good. Paris was good. Um cuz uh Louis's girlfriend lives there, right? His his girlfriend's like one of She's Well, she's like Ellen of Paris, I guess. Yeah, I'm assuming. Yeah. Yeah, she's nice girl. But she's like a real big comedian over there. Yeah. And his new special I watched his new special. Sorry. It's very good. His new one, it's funny. Very funny. He's funny. It's interesting. It's getting mixed reviews, but I think it's just because people want to hate him. That [ __ ] The people that are Louis CK fans will love it. Will love it. Yeah. I I was at the cellar one night. Not the big seller, the um the underground. Mhm. He just popped in

92:02and I can see the look on the audience face. He did 20 minutes on the pros of suicide. And I was like, you can't do this around [ __ ] who weak and drunk, man. [laughter] You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Cuz it was a lot of people going, "Yeah, I see his point. I see his point. Hey, [ __ ] stop talking, man. [laughter] Somebody going to kill theirself ahead here, Louie." And uh so yeah. Well, he's always been like one of the most prolific guys. Like, he used to put out a special every year, which I think is too much. I think every couple years, I think you want to give the material time to cook. If you're doing a new special every year, generally speaking, I feel like it could use a little bit more time with mine. You'll see a car and you go, "It's a nice car." You see it next year, it's it's got rims. It's a little

92:51tenant. It's this. Then you see it again, it's [ __ ] been elevated. That [ __ ] You said that's the same car, but wow, look at all the [ __ ] you done put on it. That's how all jokes are. It's like bits. Some of them though come out right out of the box. They're They're perfect. Boom. Yeah. It's rare, but some of them do. Some of them come out right out of the box. You don't have to do [ __ ] with them. But most of them, it takes time. Takes a little time to get it right. Get it tuned in. I I I have jokes that uh I would say 20 30 years in the making. Yeah. It's because it's from different parts of my life. Like the first time I did Def Comedy Jam and I did the thing I said where the lady sneezed and a booger hit me and the booger was on me and then I said the transit cop said, "Hey, did

93:42you hit that lady?" I'm like I'm like, "Man, she put a booger on me." And then he says, "I'mma kick your ass." And I said, "Well, I was about to run." Not because not because I was afraid, but he was handicapped. And everybody go, "Oh." I go, "He wasn't like in a wheelchair. He just had like a a little arm." And I do this whole fight thing, but we fight and he hits me with the little arm. So, so that [ __ ] happened in the sixth grade cuz this guy said that I was messing with his sister. Like, but you know, it's like, you know, sixth grade love taps. It was they was jumping double dutch and I knocked the rope down. What little boys do when they like girls, but one of his friends liked her. So he said, "Yeah, he was messing with your sister." And so my man came over with his boys and he like this. He said,

94:33"Yeah, man. I heard you [ __ ] with my sister." I'm like, "Come on, son. You don't want this." [laughter] You know what I'm saying? Come on. You don't want this. Cuz he had the little arm like you don't want this. So, you know how the kids get around like and we squaring up and I'm I'm doing my thing, you know, and I and and man, he next thing I know he you know, he had his arm around him. So, we're kind of struggling and he went [ __ ] [laughter] just cool like like a hollow coconut when he cuz he hit me with the baby arm. Yeah. So, it was a big joke. Maybe that's why things ain't working out for me. It's just you can't It's just hard to explain a bit without doing a bit. Yeah. So, yeah. So, say a a bit like that that that little arm thing happened in sixth grade. Whereas the uh the nose thing happened. It did

95:34happen on the subway and I but it didn't happen to me. But it was a lady and it looked like kind of crusty right here. Right. And she I remember she went [laughter] she sneezed like like like that and then a booger just went like like no one saw but me and went right on the guy next to her and then she like did that in a a a bubble like what a snot was popped out of there. So I just added it to the bit. I twisted it all around and made I'm like but look at that. That [ __ ] was 20 years in the making. So when you were in France, like how do they understand English? Yeah. So do do they laugh at everything or does No, they don't laugh at everything. They're very So the sense of humor is different. No, it's just with me, I think I I think I have an easier time because I I speak slowly and deliberately. Yeah. And I don't rush and just I I don't make it too

96:29American, you know? Like I I know when I I know when I've crossed the bridge, you know what I'm saying? Like when I left Manhattan into, you know, like I remember speaking to Raie McFaden the first time he came to DC. First time I saw him in DC and he's up there telling jokes about the subway. Nobody Nobody Yeah. There wasn't, you know, nobody goes to, you know, he's like, "Everyone rides a train." Yeah. Everybody who lives in New York rides the train. Yeah. And so like it's it was it's I say the easiest country where people speak another language is the Netherlands because you know uh Dutch is English, French and German mixed together. But Paris, that's what Dutch is. Yeah, it's English, French, and German mixed really. Yeah, it's a combination of three languages. Three languages. Cuz you hear they go, [snorts] "Okay, perfect." You're like,

97:21"What? I understood that last part. Yeah. So they they saw all that together and um but did how did Louis do in France? Louis killed. Did they understand him totally? Yeah, he killed cuz it was it was it was it was more of like what you saw Mike Tyson do. like it's just a a joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke joke you know a you know some some some valid points some some funny nuances you do right boom and here's a little about me and so uh when he's when he's up there like he's doing like an hour and is this in a theater like what kind of comedy clubs up there yeah it was a small theater it was as a matter of fact I I think it was called the American Theater. Um it yeah it was it was um let me see I I would say the spot held like about two 300 about 200 because here's the stage and here the people like that kind

98:28of almost like uh like a coliseum like uh like what's that [ __ ] called where they where the doodoo fly in your food. Doodoo flies in your food. What? Medieval times. Oh, [laughter] it's that [ __ ] You ever been there? Oh, you mean like horse [ __ ] Yeah. Yeah. And everybody's eating and drinking them and the [ __ ] the the air is just full of horseshit. Yeah. And I'm like, I'm not No. Not smart. Yeah. I'm not He could get pizza and hot dogs and pretzels and and they're jousting. [clears throat] And they're jousting and [ __ ] is flying around. He's not interested in that. Nah. So, um, what other what other countries did you guys do when you were on the tour? You did Portugal, you did France, Portugal, uh, France, uh, uh, Belgium, and then I and then went to Rotam. You got to go to do that club in Rodam.

99:20Um, did you ever do, uh, the thing in in Roderdam that we I've never been to the Netherlands. You got to go. They speak English very well. Yeah. Yeah. Especially in the big cities like in Amsterdam and in Rodam and stuff like that. Yeah. you know who go uh uh what's his name? Tom Rhodess is always over there. As a matter of fact, he married a woman from there. Well, Tom Rhodess used to have a show over there. He used to do like a talk show. Oh. And it was like it had a different name [clears throat] to it. It's like wasn't Tom Rhodess. He like was playing a different name. [clears throat] I forget what it was called, but it was like uh Tom Rhodess was the host, but it wasn't the Tom Rhodess show. It was like I I I remember he was old. Had another name. But he was old. Yeah. He lived there for a while. He was like a star over there. And the late

100:10night like talk show thing was like the the format was a lot much more relaxed. Much more you could say a lot more. You could talk about more [ __ ] over there. The f the first time I went it was me uh to Tony Rock. Yeah. me, Tony Godfrey, and Teddy Smith. And I just remember us watching television. It wasn't cable or no [ __ ] like that. It was like condom commercials and be two guys. And then like you see like what they're doing now in America. You see a family, the dad be black, the mom be white, the little kids beige and [ __ ] Like what? [laughter] Cuz they just wasn't doing that here in America. Now it's all over the place. But like wow. It's like these people are progressive and they're very tall. They're big people. Right. Yeah. Here [clears throat] it is. The Kevin Masters show starring Tom Rhodess.

100:59Yeah. It's like they just had a So, it's from 2002 to 2004 in the Netherlands. Is that his wife right there? I don't know. I don't know who that is. Just somebody was interviewing us. Just a guest. As as a matter of fact, the first time the first time we went, it's cuz Estie fired me cuz I got from the seller. Yeah. I got that late. I'm always late. I got a little late and Estie said, "I I can't take that." No, no, Tony. I can't take it no more. I'm like, but I'm I'm here now. This show's running behind. I'm still here for my spot. She said, well, yeah, show's running behind cuz we had to stall cuz you wasn't here. And then Gotham called said, "We need somebody right now." That's when they had the what was it? 21st says, "We need somebody right now." I turn around to walk up the stairs. This guy's like, "Yo, I know this guy is

101:48speaking in Dutch and everything." Say, "Where you going?" I said, "I'm going to Gotham." So they go up to Gotham and the guy who was the host of the show, he goes, "Listen, everybody in Surinom loves you." Blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah. He's saying this. I just figured this [ __ ] had accent and was Cuz if you see him, he look like he could be blazing, you know? He look like he could be. So maybe his dad was over in Vietnam. He's from He said, "Man, everybody in Shernam loves you." So then they say, "Yeah, we're going to bring you." And then one guy was says, "Have you ever been to the Netherlands before?" I'm like, "Well," and the other guy would say, "You're going to love Holland." Right? And I'm like, "Okay, where are you [ __ ] from?" Right. [laughter] It's all the same spot. And and then they they call me up

102:33to do the show. That's we start going over there to do the show. So that's when you started going on tour. That's when we start No, that's when I start going to to Holland. That was for the Comedy Factory. All of us did that. like Patrice, Rich Boss, they used to bring us over there and do that show and ride a damn. That was that was dope. We all ride bicycles and everybody think they should go over there and do decadent [ __ ] like prostitutes. You go you go see the prostitution and take pictures. That's just it cuz I mean would you walk into a glass booth and with everybody looking just calling to your room listen. So, [laughter] because it's illegal, all that stuff and then they got the weed and the mushrooms and the space cake and Yeah. I think they uh they they're backing off of some of that stuff over there because

103:20so many people go over there and get too [ __ ] up, especially on edibles. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, they just don't know what they I lost my mind on edibles last time I was there. Well, if you don't know what you're doing, you eat too much. It was a The guy cake. Yeah. And I get one little piece. Yeah. That's all you need. And it was like [ __ ] 12:00 noon. I ride my bicycle, go get something to eat, blah blah, get ready, do the show that night, catch the train to go do the show, come back, and then I'm in the room and I'm laying down. I guess that's when that [ __ ] kicked in cuz I'm like, "Hey, man, my [ __ ] my feet long like this." [laughter] I was I was laying in the bed, but my feet kept going stretching out. I'm like, "Whoa." Oh, and it was a good thing I was on the phone cuz I was like,

104:09I don't know something wrong. So then I called downstairs and said, "Hey man, somebody keep trying to get in my room." Cuz what would happen is they had the little zip lock thing on the door. It's like it's it's not a chain. It's like a zip thing. Okay. So when I was going to go downstairs to complain that my bed is making my feet long, I [laughter] was open the door and it goes and then I go shut it back. That's when I call said, "Yo, man, somebody trying to break in my goddamn room right there." And I was on the phone and then So she says, "I'll call the Marriott and and ask them to." So my man come upstairs. He goes, he goes, "Mr. Woods." I'm like, "What's up?" And then I open to him. He goes, "You have to uh" I'm like, "Oh, yeah." Shut it up. Take that off. And he come in. He goes, "Are you okay?" I'm like, "Yeah, I'm good." Why? He goes, "Someone

105:05called and said that you're having a problem with your feet." [laughter] Like, "No, listen. Somebody's trying to get in my room." [laughter] And then he then he says, "Have you had anything? Have you indulged yourself?" He says, "You're not going back out tonight." I'm like, "No." He says, "They gave me some water." Said, "Drink this water." And he went into the mini bar and gave me some candy. Eat that. He He says, "There's no charge. Just, you know, it would be it would be nice if you did if you did not go out tonight, Mr. Woods." I'm like, "I'm all right. I'm good." And then, of course, they went back downstairs. And of course, I called him back cuz somebody was still trying to get in my room. So, did you go on stage that night? No, I had already been on stage. The [ __ ] day was over. I had done that at 12:00 noon. Oh wow.

105:53Yeah. And I'm like, what if that [ __ ] had kicked in when I was out in the street, man? Cuz you know, bicycles are like rush hour. It's like Beijing over there. The bicycles and like you, you know. Yeah. And that was one little corner. And the kid who gave it to me, it was another comedian's son. He's like 30. But anyway, he he says, "Yo, that space cake was horrible. It was the worst. It was this." I'm like, "Bitch, I lost my mind last night." [laughter] You know what I'm saying? Those people with tolerance, man. Cuz people that have too much tolerance for marijuana, they'll [ __ ] ruin it for you. Like Joey Diaz. [laughter] [gasps] Joey Diaz can put that [ __ ] away. I I've been on planes with him before. He's eating like 200 milligram stars of death, throwing two, three down his throat at the same time. Wow.

106:41I know. It's hard to believe, but I've seen it. I I borrowed my son's car. I drove his car and and he always has always loved gummy bears. I just had, you know, while I'm driving just and then I went to go get some uh went to go get something done at Kinko's get something copied or something like that. And the lady says, "What do you what is what do you want us to do?" I'm like, "I don't know how to work this machine." She says, "Okay, you put your card in, you press start, press." I'm like, "I still don't know how to work this machine. [laughter] I don't know the fuck." Did you know that the gummy bears were weed? I did not [ __ ] know, but I was like, I figured it out after it's not, you know. How many did you have? It was like a small bag of them. [laughter] All the [ __ ] he owes me. You know what I'm saying?

107:30I'm like, come on. One bag of candy. All All the bags of candy I done bought you, boy. [laughter] So, that's good, man. So, do you have an idea where you want to do your special? Nope. I I wanted to do it at uh Super Funny. What's it called? Uh Nate Jackson Supper Funny Club in Tacoma. Oh, okay. You know him? No. No, I've never been I' The only thing I've done to Tacoma, I did a show with Dave out there. Nate Nate Jackson is uh he plays Junkyard Dog on Young Rock, the TV show. Okay. On the Young Rock TV show, he plays uh and I just like his club. It's just And I like that um what I call it, the Dead Crow. I like the dead crow and I like the comedy works. Trying to think what other Well, you know, these are the clubs that I just feel good in. So, when you do um if you do a special at a club, how many shows do you want to film? You want to film two, four? What

108:25do you want to do? That's what Dave was saying. Yeah. I like how many you want to do? I just like to like do one and go I like that one. Yeah, but I know you're not supposed to do that. I heard. Well, it's just there's a lot of pressure. I know. Sometimes you have a lot of pressure. The pressure is when the uh when the execs go, "Uh, so um have you prepared your set yet?" Oh, they want to go over your material. That's what they did for Tiff, the uh for the Tiffany um thing. They said that they wanted it typed out. Oh god. So, I just got material. I just got some old [ __ ] And this this woman, as a matter of fact, the woman from my podcast, Maya, that's what she does like in court or whatever, a stenographer. Yeah. So, she she just transcribes said and then so we did the thing, you know, one of the people she was like, "Oh, so you you you changed it around."

109:24I changed what around. She didn't do the bit about. I'm like, "Oh, yeah. I I haven't done that [ __ ] in 20 years. I wouldn't. So, you wrote out the set, but you wrote it out totally different. Yeah, I didn't get [ __ ] with it. I just said cuz they kept pressuring me like, "Yo, send us a COVID test and send us the the thing transcript." So, I sent him the COVID test and he's like, "Okay, we want the transcript." I'm like, [laughter] "I uh gave money back once." Well, I canceled a special once cuz I was on the phone with these executives and we're going over material and they're like, "Well, this has to change. You can't say this like that. we can't say this. And I was like, we're good. I go, we're done. I quit. I go, I'm not doing it. I go, I I'm gonna do it somewhere else. I'll do it on my own. I'll do There's no way I'm

110:09doing this special. I'm like, this is We can't do this. You can't tell me what I can and can't say. When I when I did the Comedy Central special, the Half House special, there's a part when I say I went to I said I smoke weed and I stepped into the television and I went to Africa, right? Right. And they were like, they were doing this, right? And I said, "These ain't hands, right?" [laughter] You know what I'm saying? Right. And I forgot. And he And I think the guy's like, "Uh, maybe we should go with boobies." Boobies. Something something about boobies. Like, so instead of cuz I say titties. I I say titties in there somewhere. He said, "Maybe we should go with boobies." Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. And I was like I said, um, I said, "How long you been doing comedy?" He said, "No, I don't I'm just I'm just the I forgot his title for comedy." So, executive whatever.

111:00Yeah. I said, "Yeah." I said, "All right, you." And then so boom, that went through all the little bullet points of what I was going to do and all that [ __ ] Of course, I didn't do it. And then they go, "Well, you didn't do I'm like, "Oh, man. I forgot. You should have gave me It's the worst is when they try to give you an alternative word and you got understand you don't even understand funny [ __ ] And plus he like man I'm like every time I watch one of these shows somebody gets a check for editing. Yeah. Well, put that [ __ ] to work cuz I'm [laughter] I'mma say what I'mma say. That's hilarious. Yeah. [ __ ] is he doing here? If he if if you telling me what to say, look, [laughter] [ __ ] out of here. Go to the editing, man. Hey, you fired, [ __ ] cuz I got to do my own editing. Get out of

111:55here. So, you literally don't know when you're doing it. You don't know where you're doing it. And Dave said, "Just call me when you're ready." Mhm. I feel like I have to step in and help. Come on in, man. I'm ready. [laughter] I feel like I have to call Dave and go, "Dave, I was I was talking to Tony and we got to work this out." [laughter] Yeah. we got to make this happen. You know how people people say that we remind each other of of each other a little bit a little. But I think you you definitely influence his style like to but I don't mean the comedy way. I mean just kind of in a personality cuz I watched I watched the podcast and he sat up in here in the podcast with you and he said, "Listen, we're gonna have to do this for real. I'm gonna come back. I'm gonna do it for real." And I'm like, "You just did it." Yeah. He just

112:41he just [laughter] did it. He's like, "Yeah, I'mma come back and we going to do it." Well, you know, we'll probably do it on set and s time. You like, "All right, yeah, cool." Like you like, "We got it. We good." Well, there's that that's the thing with Dave. Like he he's [clears throat] marched to the beat of his own drummer, you know? Like if he Yeah. But see, I'm I'm 10 years old and back they got like a lot of different titles for people who march to be the drum and they got all kind of stuff in there. Back then they used to say, "Oh, he's simple." So that's they call me simple. Amazing. Simple was like it was before people use good words like autistic and stuff, you know, cuz the first time I heard somebody say autistic and cuz the little boy was jumping on the couch with his [ __ ] snow boots on and his father

113:31goes, "Hey, don't don't yell at him cuz he's he's autistic." I'm like, "I don't give a [ __ ] if he can paint. I'm just saying, son. Tell Picasso to get off my couch." But that's cuz I didn't I I didn't know what it meant. I didn't know what it meant. I'm not I'm not a bad person, everybody. But I guess a lot of people can say maybe karma's keeping you from that special. No. No. It feels like you just need a someone to corral you. Yeah. Point you in the right direction. Yeah. I'm Cuz once you're up there, once you're on stage, you're a bad [ __ ] No doubt. No doubt about it. 100%. I feel like if someone just points a camera at you for five shows, one of them is going to be A+. I think it would be better if nobody tell me the cameras are there. That's it. Yes. [laughter] I think if these [ __ ] hide the cameras and then they would say

114:21something like, "Okay, see that right there? That's a camera." And I would go, "Don't look like a camera." Say, "Don't worry, Tony. That's a camera." And see that over there? That's a camera. That's a camera. Don't look camera. Boom. But the camera's really somewhere else, right? Boom. Yeah. And then I would just go. Well, the thing is about when you do five shows, it's like you just get used to the fact that the cameras or four shows, you'll get used to the fact there's a camera on you and it won't mean anything to you. Yeah. I never Yeah. Well, the cameras never mean nothing. Especially when they be go three, two, one. No, I'm talking about when they telling me to wrap up. Oh, that they go they got the [laughter] the red light is blinking on top of the camera. Yeah. I would just go my bad. I did uh 20 minutes on BET's Comic View one time, too.

115:05How much time you were supposed to do? Yeah, I think uh four to seven minutes. [laughter] I was the last one. Was the last one? What's the big deal? As I said to Bruce Bruce, come on, [ __ ] I'm the last one. He said he said he said, "Well, I I ain't the one you got to worry about." Well, then why the [ __ ] say something to me, dog? Listen, it's all good because I think it was the end of the series and they everybody had already and then you know and I was just up there just going going. Yeah. I had drove 17 hours to get to New Orleans. Oh, really? Yeah. Because I cuz they gave me money to fly down, but I just said, "Fuck that. I'm going to drive." And drove down there and uh did the thing and it was good, man. That Bruce Bruce was Bruce Bruce. Damn, man. You know, I guess I guess he's like, you know, we had plans. We just going to go

115:55I don't know. I was like, damn, man. He said, but it was produced by Ruby Red. He said, well, I ain't the one you got to worry about. All right, then. [laughter] Did you have to worry about anybody? No, he he was basically, you know, how one of your siblings might say to you, "Oh, wait till dad gets home. Oh, you going to get it?" You know, and then and then you go, "Am I in trouble with you?" You go, "No, I ain't the one you got to worry about." Well, then, right. Where did that get here? Yeah, [laughter] let's just let it go. It's all good, man. Well, whenever your special does come out, please let me know so we can let everybody know. I'mma do my special in Austin. Yeah. Why not? That's my name. We're going to call it the Why Not special. It's a great place. What? It's a good place here. Yeah, there's a lot of great places here.

116:45You have a night? I thought that you would have a a night down there. I do Tuesdays and Wednesdays at the Vulcan Gas Company. Where's that at? It's on Sixth Street. Today is Tuesday. Yeah, I do Tuesday night. Yeah. Well, yeah. My flight leaves today. Well, next time whenever your special comes out, we'll have you back. Hey, but check it out. Can I plug some [ __ ] Yeah, plug some [ __ ] Oh, yeah. I forgot almost, man. Tony Woods.com. No, I don't. I a You got a website? No, I ain't got that. You don't have a website? Come on, man. I'm plugging my show. Okay, plug your show. Come on, man. On the 30th of uh December, yes, I'll be at the Arlington Cinema and Draft House. It's called Tony Woods and Friends. The shirt that I gave you. Okay. Tony Woods and Friends. And then, damn, I can't think of the other show. I got some more shows, but this Thursday,

117:36I think they sent them to me. Okay. Yeah, I think they sent me an email. Hold on a second. This Thursday, Arlington Cinema Draft House in Arlington, Virginia. Not Not Where's he at? Yeah, man. This is So, y'all edit this up. This is going to come out to be like a half hour. No, it's two [ __ ] hours. We're not editing [ __ ] We've been up here for like four hours. No, it's two hours. We have? Yeah, we've been doing two hours. I was having so much fun. I know. I'm trying to find this email. I know they sent me an email asking me to talk about some [ __ ] Oh, Jason. Uh, probably. Yeah. Here. Okay. I got it in front of me. Okay. On December 30th, Arlington Draft House in Arlington, Virginia. Um January 13th through the 15th, Atlanta Comedy Theater in Atlanta, Georgia. Uh January 16th and 17th, Hard Knocks Laughs in Las

118:33Vegas. Where's that? I don't know. I don't know either. It's in Vegas. Hard Hard Knocks Laughs Lo Las Vegas. Uh February 11th and 12th. Wley's in Dayton, Ohio. And then February or excuse me, then March 31st to April 2nd, Sid spplitters. But also, wait, I got something in Chicago, too. Oh, yeah. They didn't give me that. No, because he didn't. Yeah, he didn't book that. That's not in the That's not in the thing. You don't have a website? I don't know. Do you have a social media? You have social media? Yeah, you got an Instagram page, right? Hold up. Does your Instagram page have your dates on it? Should probably put them up there, man. You know, cuz people people always talk about they get a blue dot and they say, "Yeah, cuz you know they say, man, you got to up your followers." I'm like, I don't need I don't How many followers do you have?

119:29I don't know. But yeah, [laughter] I'm going to be at Riddles in Chicago on the January the 7th and 8th. Okay. Or did did we already call those dates? We called the other dates. We didn't call that one. We didn't I don't have the Riddles in Chicago one. I got the Arlington Draft House one, Atlanta comedy theater in Atlanta, Hard Knocks in Vegas, and then Wley's Dayton, Ohio. The seventh and eighth is before that. That's right after. Yeah, I know. For some reason, I don't have that on this list. Yeah. See, that's me every day. Okay, we got it now. Yeah. Tony Woods, you're a bad [ __ ] It's great to see you. It's been a long time. It's been a long time. It has been without a strong rhyme to step to. I I I hear you talk with everybody about killing these um caribou and stuff. [laughter] I want to see this, man. I mean, the one out which What is that one?

120:16That's a deer. That's a white tailed deer. Oh, that this is just That's a gorilla, right? It's a chimpanzeee. Yeah. This is a There's a an artist made that for me. Wow. Yeah. You know, I have a a bear coat. A bear coat? Yeah. Where'd you get it? Fairbanks, Alaska. Oh [ __ ] So it's grizzly bear. It's it's uh it's a brown bear. Brown bear. Yeah. Yeah. So um we went to this little outpost place and it's just a blanket on the wall. Just a what's that? He says, "Well, people hunt, you know, get a brown bear." Yeah. And I'm like, "Well, how much is that?" He's like 150. All right. I gave him This is like in the 90s. 150. Put it in the um put in trash bag. came back, took it to this place in Bethesda, Maryland, and said, "Can you make this to a coat?" Yeah. So, they clean it cuz it's fleas. Yeah. It was nasty [ __ ] [laughter]

121:10and clean it up. And I remember went to Uno's Pizzeria. This is in uh in Chevy Chase, Maryland, right? Go to like Bethesda. I go and and the guy he beats beeps me cuz this is when it was he said right, you know, like, "Can you come back?" I come back and he and like he's like, "Son, where'd you get this?" I'm like, "I was in Alaska. I'm a comedian." And they go, "Son, it's on an endangered spe." [laughter] So they put a lining. It's a beautiful coat. They're not on the endangered species list. They were worried. They were worried. No. I'm going to show you my coat, man. I'm sure. See, cuz that seemed like everything I see on your Joe Rogan podcast, people don't believe me. So that's why that's why the Cuz somebody told me not to mention mermaids. Don't Don't mention mermaids. I saw a mermaid. Really? Yeah. When in Sell's Africa, you saw an actual mermaid?

122:07That's what it was. It was a swimming person. Really? Yep. And u How long ago was this? Um I don't know. Uh that's Will Silven. It was um You think there's like a small population of mermaids that are out there? But anyway, [laughter] me and this little French boy and they said don't they said don't don't swim in the lagoon after dark. Everybody's up at the bar and everybody's and so everybody's gonna go down. Everybody's kind of racing down. So me and him go there. Me and him get in the water. From a distance, you see something coming like a [ __ ] missile, but it's going it's going fast and we both kind of stop and then it turns and it jumps out of the water and it's maybe at least 10 12 feet long, man. And it do like this and it look at both of us and go. The water was only about this deep. Didn't make a splash or nothing. And then and me and

122:56him turn the [ __ ] around. We running and everybody's coming down there laughing. Got the drinks in their hand. We're like, "No, [ __ ] that." And the little boy in French and his mom is apologizing to me saying he has a very vivid imagination. Said, "No, [ __ ] Listen, we we saw a fish man." And it wasn't like a mermaid. Didn't look didn't look feminine at all. Like a man. A [ __ ] man. A [ __ ] a [ __ ] dude who said get the [ __ ] out the pool. Basically, it was like like do you know Aquaman? Yeah. He didn't go hanging out the water. Did it look like a fish person or it look like a human being? Came out. Did it have scales? It was kind of dark. [clears throat] Dark like a dolphin. No, but he he he had the back of him was fish. The back of him was fish. His head

123:47was was humanoid. Eyes about so big. Then if you Google it, the the lagoons of Sells, okay, and I ain't the first person to see some [ __ ] really in them waters. And uh the guy the guy who does the horseback riding, you know, you can ride horses. He said, "How old are you?" And I told him, he says, "You're from America, right?" I'm like, "Yeah." He says, "So at this age, pretty much if if you see a turtle, and I tell you that's not a turtle." He said, "You know [snorts] it's a turtle. You're the age you know what you saw." He says, "The people pay a lot of money at this resort." He says, "It's maybe not a good idea to go around going, I saw a mermaid." And he goes, "My" He's saying how long his family has been fishing in these waters. He says, and he's heard some He's heard some things. He says, "I've heard some things like what you said." I've never

124:39seen what you say you saw, but it's not the first time I heard that. And I said, "Thank you." But basically, he was saying, "Now, if you ask me to cosign that [ __ ] [ __ ] you." Right. You're going to be crazy by yourself, mother. So, who told you not to talk about mermaids? Nobody told me not to talk about mermaids. You said that. I just said that. Oh, cuz I'm like, if y'all don't believe the code is bear, you definitely won't believe the mermaid story. Well, I definitely believe the coat is bare. Yeah, I got it from my outfit. It fleas and all that kind of [ __ ] on. [laughter] Tony Woods, thanks for being here, man. Yeah, thank you. Let me know when your special comes out. We'll let everybody know. I'm sure it be hilarious. Google mermaids. I'm trying. If I found it, I would have find it's it's and and it's it was in

125:26the it's in the lagoons around like, you know, like how you know how the island and [ __ ] like this and like in the lagoon part. Well, they say they've only discovered 10% of the ocean. Yeah. So, yeah, got to be Maybe he's in the other 90. All right, man. All right, Tony Woods, thank you. Uh, and on Instagram you're Tony Woods, right? Tony Woods. Uh, Twitter Z. Oh, really? I think. I don't know. Let me look. Yeah. Tony Woods with a Z. Tony Woods. Yeah. Was there another Tony Woods with an S? I don't know. But I'm the first Tony Woods in the world. [laughter] Like, if you Google, man, I'm the first Tony Woods ever. You should be. You should be. All right, [clears throat] brother. Thank you very much for being here, man. Appreciate you. I see it. The Arlington draft house. All those places that we listed Chicago. best podcast I ever done today. Thank you.

126:13You were great today. No, this was the best one ever, man. [laughter] And and I I thank you, man. I I feel humbled and and and proud. I mean, you know, a lot of people say I'm I just kind of go in the seat of my pants, but I actually was up and ready and prepared. Ask anybody. I got here Well, it was great to have you, man. All right, man. Love you too, brother. [music] Happy New