Brian Redban, Doug Benson, Bert Kreischer, Ari Shaffir, Jason Gillearn

00:01It's the Joe Rogan experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. We're sitting here drinking, I think it's cognac, is that what it is? I don't know what it is, man, it's intense. Brought to me by the Armenians. The Armenians are some bad motherfuckers. Yeah. The Armenians who train with Ronda Rousey, They brought over some delicious cognac, and it's perfect for our second anniversary show. Manny Gumbarian, shout out to my man Manny, and Gokar and all those people over there, and of course, Carol Parisian. Armenians are some fun people. That's one of the cool things about ethnicities, that you get to meet some people just as a group that are different than your normal white people. Armenians are way more fun than your normal white people. I got my hair cut today by one. I think we've talked about how scary that is. Yo, this shit is like flashing in my face and freaking me out.

01:00Can we not have this? This is like the worst way you could ever hold a conversation. Oh, okay. Sorry. Dude, I can't see. Like right now I'm looking at Pac-Man's inside of my eyeballs. It's like he burned it in my fucking retina. That's funny. What are you playing behind me, man? Tetris? Remember Tetris? Yeah. It's Tetris. It's actually, I have a great idea. There's all these lasers in this room now. Imagine also projecting the old school 80s asteroids mixed into it. That would be very cool. Not Tetris. I didn't mean Tetris, though. You know what I meant? Simon Says. Remember the game where it was so stupid? It was like one color and then another color, and you had to keep up with the color. You had to remember it and then relay exactly how it did the beats. That's how desperate we were for games back then. Who gives a fuck if you get that right? It's frustrating for me. I don't like it.

01:51Did you think they ever had competitions? Oh, I'm sure they had. What was it called again? Simon Says. What's Simon Says? Yeah. Do you think they had Simon Says competitions? Oh, I'm sure they have. Because they have Rubik's Cube competitions. Simon Says seems like the winner would be interesting because there's only really so many. Like you've talked about it before, how many numbers or names you can keep in your head. That's the same way as Simon Says. That's how many things you can remember in a row or short-term memory. And there has to be a cutoff number. I don't think that's how many names you can remember. I think they say how many semi-intimate relationships you can have. Like not even just have knowledge of someone. Have them in your head. There's people that I completely forgot about. And then someone will bring it back. And it's like someone dusts off the file and hands it to me.

02:37And then I can start going through, oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. And then all of a sudden these memories are now available again. But my brain was ready to get rid of them. My brain was ready to go. we don't need that there. You can only remember so much. You can only remember so many people. You can only remember so many names, so many things you've done. You've got a certain point in time, it's like, why are you even accessing this memory? You know, you've got to be concentrating on your own life right now, stupid. Stop living in the past. It's almost like it won't let you have access to it just to, you know, just to keep you fucking moving forward. So you don't sit around like a dumb monkey thinking about every moment that ever happened ever in your life and make second guesses left and right. You know, if you had access to every memory that you ever had, how many people would just

03:20obsess at every fucking single mistake they've ever made and why they made it and, you know, just go over the whole list of every fucking step? It would be really hard to ignore. Like, the way to move on and ignore it is just kind of forget about it. That's, like, the best way. Like, if you had a troubled past, if, you know, you were, like, a drunk and a fucking loser and, you know, you hit your girlfriend or something and you've reformed yourself from that, wouldn't it be awesome if those memories just dissolved when you were actually reformed, once you've actually become reformed, once you've actually paid your debt, wouldn't it be great if you didn't have to think about that anymore? If you learned your lesson and you just like- If you could delete it from your head completely. Yeah, I want to delete that from my hard drive. Can I delete that?

03:56That definitely seems like that's going to be in the future. That would probably be a lot. Hacking your brain. People would say, you know, I want him to remember. I want him to remember. No, don't let him delete it. And then people would have like legal battles to see if a guy, you know, who did some horrendous crime that is ultimately incredibly sorry for, could he delete his memory of that crime? right oh it probably no that's a weird that would really be i'm sorry but it would be a real weird contest where we come down to punishment or reform like what are we really interested in are we really interested in fixing people or are we really interested in in some retribution what what is it when someone does a crime you know yeah they would have to have rules for it like you can't you can't abuse it like you could only delete like if you were molested or if you

04:40yeah maybe if some shit was holding you back right but then it would be like a battle for consciousness why can't you just delete it any way you want I mean you could delete it now if you just want sniff paint all day I mean that's what a lot of people are doing they're dirt you know right they're self-medicating yeah when you get around down to certain things there's certain things like sniffing paint you're like okay really you don't like you when you see those pictures is one of those a brilliant one on the internet of a guy with with I believe it's silver silver gold paint all over his face all over his face the You've seen cops, they have it all the time. People with silver on their face. Oh, my God. What is that guy running from? That guy's running from something deep. I don't know if it's a genetic thing. It's running from school and jobs. Teeth. Health. Well-being.

05:27He's running from all those things. Sprinting away. It's weird, man. There almost has to be a full spectrum of people. it seems like if you just let things go hairy, hairy, all over the fucking place, if you just let if it's not engineered, it seems like human life can hit the whole spectrum from monster to saint, from angel to killer to slut to perfect person to, you know, I mean you can every fucking step along the way is possible and you can meet it, it's just it has to get mashed up into one crazy chaotic soup that is the human existence. You know, it almost seems like in order to have, we all want everything to be perfect and everything to be beautiful, but it's almost like in order to have these beautiful moments, you have to have something contrasting it. You have to have something that opposes it. You have to have

06:17something that motivates it. You have to have something that's, it's moving against. It seems almost like some sort of a grand pattern for improvement. You know, if you looked at the human race as like something other than, you know, what we are, you looked at it as other than your friends and your neighbors and loved ones, just look at it as like an organism, like how it's working. Yeah. You know? It's almost like all these things have to be in place. You almost have to have the full spectrum of human behavior, of fuck-ups and geniuses and humbling people and incredible talents and child prodigies and lazy fucks. You almost have to all have them all together. It's like they all play a piece in this crazy puzzle. It's just to us that's in it. They're like, oh, look at this fat fuck who's in my way. Well, that fat fuck is a part of the spectrum. He's in there for a reason. Everybody is.

07:08We were at Target the other day, and this super obese, old, fat lady. I'm talking like maybe 70, 75. That's incredible. Yeah, so it was like a unicorn. But she walked into Target, and she couldn't walk anymore, so she leaned on the security thing, like those things you walk through when you walk out. right she leaned on and it's about to crack over like over and uh veronica was like hey do you need help ma'am she goes no i need this place to send me a wheelchair though and so then she's like oh okay uh and then so she told like this lady like hey i think this woman needs a wheelchair and the woman's like we're out of wheelchairs right now because there's you know we only have 12 or something like that and so she just started to lean more and more on that security thing and it's just broken now it's just like hanging to the side but you're just like looking like these

07:58poor people at target you know they're like it's not their fault this woman is so obese and old and breaking their shit but they can't get mad at her like if i went over there and just knocked that thing over they'd be like all right you owe us four hundred dollars for a new security system you know well that's an unfortunate situation just all around yeah you know when you when you get someone that gets that out of hand i don't i don't care how old they are that's like wow you know yeah that's that's a cry for help there's there's something i think she's already been crying enough. Yeah, I mean, that's just, that's horrendous lack of self-awareness. I don't know if you could say awareness or discipline or certainly control, control of your biology. Your biology is completely out of whack. You know, that's probably one of the worst things that could happen to a person

08:43to just not be able to control their biology anymore. Yeah. You know, that's devastating. To get caught up in some crazy thing where you want to eat all the time. You know, what is it? It's a fucking kink, man. It's a mental kink. It's like any other one, man. It's like the ones that make people addicted to looking at underage girls and shit like that. Like, what the fuck is that, man? How is that broken shit still around? Like, how is that genetically even in the code? You know, how are those? It's like, you know, when you have dogs, one of the things about dog breeders is if you go to a good breeder who really cares about dogs, you can get a brilliant dog because these dogs are bred to not be aggressive to people. the smart ones are the ones they want to breed and any dog that's aggressive to other dogs they don't let them breed. No, no crazy dogs. Everybody was cool and calm and because of that

09:33I have one of my dogs, Johnny is the greatest dog. He's so nice. He's just a sweetheart he's smart, he's not stupid he always just likes to be around people and be friendly just a great dog and I swear it's because this guy was conscientious and he thought about it. We can't do that with people though. We can't treat people like dogs unfortunately we should that's hitler talk man we should be able to no that's hitler talk you can't have too much control over the wave you just got to ride it you got to influence it as much as possible in a positive sense but you can't you can't ultimately control shit like that because those people are here you know they're here you got to be nice to them try to steer them in the right direction possible if you can but they're here yeah can't keep them from fucking we're already turning into breathing nazis anyways this country that's this news this

10:22new sopa shit or this not news it sopa shit all right i don't even know it that well but what i it's an online what is it called but what i what i get from online piracy act yeah it's it's it's a way for uh you know like they can pretty much start censoring websites so like if you have a copywritten video on your website and stuff like that it's pretty much giving permission for like a third party i i believe just to be able to shut it down so what it's going to turn into i believe is like you know how YouTube is like the the biggest Nazis when it comes to like if you have a song on there they'll just you know delete your video or if you even have the word UFC and a title they'll just delete the video you know a lot of very big and since that's what I'm starting that's what's going to allow the government I believe you can just pull stuff off your website and then

11:07it's like well how where does it stop like what if I have an avatar of Harry Potter you know what I mean like on a message board somebody uses can they say hey that's a copywritten image you know this is almost all because of the Hollywood yeah this is all because of movies right this is the what justification for SOPA and protect IP and it says two words rogue sites that's Hollywood's term for websites that happen to be located in a nation more hospitable to copyright infringement than the United States in fact the U.S. is probably the least hospitable jurisdiction in the world for such an endeavor. Because the target is offshore, a lawsuit against the owners in a U.S. court would be futile. So that's what they're doing. So that's what it is, is we have a problem with sites that can start just fucking showing movies. Yeah, but does it stop just at movies? And TV shows.

12:02Well, I mean, if what they're saying, there is something to that that makes sense, that you shouldn't be able to steal people's shit. I agree with that. But do you also agree that what the... I don't agree. I certainly don't agree with anybody getting any more control than they already have. This seems like to me. Let me just state that right away. Right. I don't think they should. I don't think it's a slippery slope. And you start. The internet is free. And the internet is supposed to be free. And why it's so beautiful. And why so much has come out of it. And why it's so hospitable to us. To this generation. To the people that grew up with it. To the people that recognize that it's changed the whole fucking world, man. It's changed our reality. It changed our perceptions. Our connections. the internet being free is what made this whole thing happen the way it's happening right now

12:45and understandably the powers that be are not happy about that so if they can give in to the whims of hollywood or whatever in order to you know protect themselves and on the other hand though i think that people should be fucking prosecuted too i feel like there should be some sort of a law without some sort of a sweeping justification like this there should certainly be a way to keep someone from stealing someone's material a common sense movie or if it's a pay-per-view fight, whether it's UFC or boxing or a WWE event, I think there should be laws. There should be laws that keep people from streaming that shit. There should be a way they could stop that because that is theft. But there's a difference between that and the freedom of just to be able to distribute information, especially information like little YouTube clips or something like that. Like you

13:30might link it in a blog. Like what if you link something in a blog? Like say if you had a YouTube clip where there's a great scene in the movie The Shining and you use this great scene as a point in your blog and it's sort of like this scene The Shining. This is what I felt like at that moment. Well if you have that in your blog what if it's just embedded from YouTube? Does that still count? Can they fucking pull you? I bet they can. That's why I'm saying this law it seems like it's almost like a seatbelt law. This is just letting them get the power to do whatever the fuck they want to. Meaning like it might be you might think of it Like, oh, no, they're only going to go after you if you're, like, fucking streaming fucking Goodfellas 2 on your website. Yeah, but you can't give them that door because they can alter it from then. Well, then it could be any other crime.

14:14And then it could be, you know, conspiracy to commit crime or being involved in medical marijuana, which is federally illegal. Things can get real slippery. Yeah. You know, and it really depends on who's spreading the right money in the right direction, this crazy, corrupt, fucking wackadoo system we got growing on here. Did you hear about Good Daddy? We're a fucking gigantic banana republic. That's what we are, bro. We are just selling our ass to the highest bidder over and over and over again. And I guess the highest bidder right now is Hollywood. Yeah, did you hear about GoDaddy? What happened to them? What are they doing? This is so amazing that nowadays, like Anonymous, I feel safer that Anonymous exists than our own government right now because this is a perfect example of how awesome. They seem to have a conscience that's more in tune with mine. Yeah, absolutely. And yours. Absolutely.

15:03So what happened is GoDaddy put on their website yesterday that they support SOPA, this new law that's going to do all this crap. And I guess there's like 150 big corporations that do, mostly probably Hollywood and stuff like that. Anyways, so everybody, they started, like people on the internet through Anonymous and through websites and community, they started transferring their domains and registers out of GoDaddy to other different companies because of this. And they got such a huge hit that today GoDaddy said, you know what? We change our mind. We're whatever the internet wants. Wow. Holy shit. And they deleted the old thread. They deleted the old thing off their website. They did the new one. Holy shit. Yeah. That's amazing. That's incredible. Yeah. That's a beautiful moment. Yeah. And it was so fast. I mean, here's a really disturbing. Sorry to interrupt you.

15:57But here's a really disturbing comment from Verizon. said Verizon continues to look at SOPA and while it's fair to say that we have concerns about the legislation we are working with the congressional staff to address those concerns a representative told us I don't like the way that sounds Verizon's one of the biggest supporters of this and that's already been noted we've talked about this before where I said that's one of the reasons that I fucking jumped ship off of Verizon so AT&T doesn't? because Tim McCollin, an AT&T executive vice president of the federation We have been supportive of the general framework of the Senate bill. When it comes to SOPA, all AT&T would say is that it is working constructively with Chairman Smith and others towards a similar end in the House. So it sounds like they're supporting it, too. Yeah, but also, don't you remember Google and Verizon? Remember what teamed up?

16:49Listen, I think they have to. I think if I owned a big corporation, I would definitely feel differently. If I owned the UFC, I would feel differently. I want to be real clear. I think when you fucking steal someone's stream off a pay-per-view and somehow or another you get that shit out into the internet, man, you're fucking people out of money, and that's not fair. You're not supposed to be doing that. That's clearly doing something that's shitty. You're stealing. But there's a big difference between that. Yes, you should stop that. But you know what you shouldn't do? You shouldn't give anyone the ability to just start shutting down websites. you shouldn't give anyone the ability to decide what they think is offensive or what they think is dangerous to the country whatever the fuck that means you know that's all they need to see they need to see something along those lines on top of the online piracy

17:37and it's just once the doors open man once you let the vampire in the house didn't you see Fright Night? no it's good it's pretty good the new one it's pretty fucking good with the handsome Irish bloke what's his name? I don't know I don't even know what that movie is what the fuck's his name? He had a sex tape a while back with Billy Hot, black girl who was in Playboy. Colin McFarrel, is that his name? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's the vampire. Oh, really? Badass vampire. It's a good fucking movie, man. It didn't get any credit. It's a fun movie. I mean, it's not trying to be Citizen Kane, but it's a fun fucking vampire movie. Shit. I liked it. I enjoyed it. That's because it's the second anniversary. Yeah, dude. It's so crazy. It's been two years from this shit. Well, it's definitely changed. Look at us now. We've got a fucking studio here. Yeah. Got a real place. Yeah. Got cameras all up in this bitch.

18:28Got fucking lasers. Got our NASA shirts back, though. These lasers could be frying my eyeballs, bro. How do you even know? Are these safe? Yeah, they're safe lasers. Dude, if I lose my vision, I swear to God, I'm going to fucking hit you. It's going to slowly help your vision. What? Really? Yeah, it's going to shave off a little one by one. Wow. There's a new app you have to download. It's free. I've fucking been going. I don't know if you've been watching my Twitter lately. No. But it is the most amazing thing. The guys that do Bad Robot that did Lost, they have a new app, and it's called, it's free, Action Movie. And what they did is they got together with Skywalker Sound and a couple of, like, real movie people, and they have these things where you just record something, and, like, I've been doing it with my cats and dogs.

19:09And then, like, your dog will sit there, and suddenly a helicopter will come in, like, realistically, and then crash on your dog, blowing your dog up, and then, like, movie shit. It's amazing, dude. What? I'll show you one. Here, I'll show you one right now. That's incredible. It's called Action Movie? It's free. It's called Action Movie. And why did they just do this for fun? Because there's some advertising in it, you know? And then you can buy extra scenes. Like, no, I want missiles. Well, you would think if someone could come up with something like Angry Birds. I mean, I don't play Angry Birds because I have a real fear of anything that's addictive. And all I hear about that thing is Angry Birds is so addictive. Angry Birds is so addictive. But, I mean, if you can come up with something brilliant like that, that's really the way to make money. Come up with your own and then get advertising on it.

19:53And then advertisement, you know, get it X amount of dollars per whatever downloads you can get. And that's like a legitimate way of putting shit out now, right? Yeah, it totally is. Well, look at Louis C.K. Louis C.K. made. Oh, yeah, let's talk about that. He already made $1 million. First of all, it's so inspirational. Not just that. It's other shit that he said. Afterwards, he gave a bunch of it away, man. Yeah. He gave like. He's only keeping a quarter of it so far. Well, the money's still coming in. Yeah, but what he forgot to do is to take out tax, because that's probably going to be, what, 40% of that million dollars? Well, no, because not if he doesn't take it as payment. If he gives it away in charity, he doesn't have to pay as much. But what I love is his attitude about it. It was a really fascinating attitude, and this is a real attitude. This isn't a guy pretending to be super thoughtful.

20:44He said something really selfless. He said, I never thought of it as my money. I just thought of it as the money. It's like a resource, and you got it. You got to just put it right back into work. And I remember I read that. I was like, wow, what a brilliant statement, and what a great representation of who he is. He's such an interesting guy and an interesting thinker. He really puts his money where his mouth is, and it's a stupid statement, but I have to say it. You know what I mean? I mean, that's really what he did. I mean, that's a beautiful thing. He really is that weird dude. you know he's like one of my favorites of all time right now i can't wait to get him on a podcast someday he's yeah well i'll have to ask him he's i always avoid asking him because i know how busy he is and i know he's i mean he does his own show dude he fucking edits it he films it and he edits

21:31it i mean i would love to sit down and talk to him about the process but he's so crazy that he won't even do it on like a big mac he has like a 13 inch lap well that might be old 30 too i don't know that's what he said he probably has a fucking well i'm sure he has it but that's not the point I think he could always afford it, dude. He was always making plenty of money before that. I mean, Louie's been a big-name national headliner for years. It was never like he had an issue of hoarding a good laptop. He just wants to do it on his laptop for some crazy reason. Check this out. I did this on my phone. Watch the TV right there. Is this the action movie thing? Yeah. Oh, shit. I just killed my cat. Wow, that is fucking crazy. Yeah, and I did a whole bunch of them, like Stitcher radio. Oh, dude, we shouldn't tell people about this. Why?

22:19Because then people are going to take videos of their ex-girlfriends and then do that and then put that shit online. So that's cool. How disturbing would that be? Check this one out. You don't even listen to me, you fuck. Check this one out. You don't think that that's disturbing? No, it's so fake. Watch. I got my new Stitcher mug for Christmas. Thanks, guys. Everyone check out Stitcher. Isn't that cool? Yeah, it's kind of the same joke, though, over and over again. Here's something. We're going to blow it up. Here's something. We're going to blow it up. So you think people are going to use their ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends? For sure. Blow the fuck out of them. Make a video of them getting missiles shot in their head. Why wouldn't you? Like this? There's a lot of people that want to do that. Like this? Is that what we have? Oh, she's hot. Oh, no, dude. That's bullshit. She acted. That's total bullshit.

23:09That's stupid. Why'd you play that? How dare you, Brian? How dare you on our second anniversary. So let's get back to this crazy SOPA thing, man. Have you looked into it? Because I have not. And everything I'm saying is just, I don't know the words of the legislation. I don't know how it's written. But what I do know is it's very dangerous to give people or give the government the option to go into your shit and shut things down. Just to have that door open. In my opinion, that shouldn't be the case. It should be, you know, aggressive prosecution of people who violate the current laws. You know, I'm for that. But what I'm not for is anybody having the ability to shut your shit off. Yeah. Or censor your shit. Imagine your website, like you put a video of Fear Factor on there, like on the front page. And they're like, oh, the copyright. Bam. Your website's gone. Sorry. You can't have another website.

24:02Well, I've had shit yanked off of YouTube that was my own work. Yeah. My own work. You know, my own clips from one of my specials. I put up and it got yanked down for copyright infringement. And that's when I really felt like a little hooker. And I was like, wow, look at this. I don't even own my own jokes anymore. I can't even take a clip and say, hey, you know, this is from my last CD. Here it is. I can't let you watch that clip. It's not up to me anymore. They pull it down. They knew it was my fucking YouTube page, I think. Maybe. Unless they just have a bot. But that's just it. What if they start doing that? You know, that's the first time. if they ever start censoring the internet that pretty much makes it North Korea you know they're pretty much controlling us like that I think we get more electricity and you can eat things other than rice that's the first step of being like a country

24:51everything seems to be moving in that direction well the real issue with this country is that people are really worried right now and you know the economy in a lot of parts is based on some crazy shit that nobody understands and when it all starts fucking falling apart people get nutty and if it continues to fall apart and then gets to some really chaotic state where the resources and the the money and the you know it all doesn't match up right anymore and the whole thing needs to be re-evaluated and it causes a massive uh massive state of turmoil people are going to want to be able to control people and that's what's going on right now as the shit was when everything was great you know in the 90s when Clinton was in office and the economy was booming, you never worried about the military on your streets. That wouldn't even come into your head. You'd be like, what? Who the fuck is going to have tank?

25:43No, no, no, no. People are generally good in this country. Before that Timothy McVeigh thing happened, everybody was like, what? An American terrorist killing Americans? Really? No. This is generally a pretty prosperous nation. Things are generally going well for us. But I think in this day and age, man, in this day and age, the more people lose faith in the honesty of their representatives, the more people lose faith in the way the system is set up, the more it's likely there's going to be some sort of unrest. And the fact that that's coinciding with all these new laws and new bills that are being passed that are completely unconstitutional, that are completely against what this whole country is supposed to be started from, it's such a mad dash for power and so obvious the ones in charge are willing to really pervert the constitution to to to bend to their

26:37current will because they're worried about losing power because it seems like people are just lining up in the streets hundreds of thousands at a time and when that doesn't get resolved it has to end somehow how's it going to end how's it going to end they're going to they're going to keep piling onto the streets and what well we've got to figure out a way to bring tanks into the equation you know we got to figure out a way to bring helicopters and tear gas and fucking sound machines that make it impossible for you to breathe yeah we've got we're going to do some some crazy shit that really should be terrorist shit and this is how every country that's losing power ultimately gets nobody ever just gives up power nobody ever goes all right you guys are listen you're making some really good points i've been a really shitty representative and i know i

27:21I got cited for 40 different house ethics violations. But I want to be the king. Come on. Come on, guys. I know I fucked up. No, those conversations never take place. Because everybody who wants to run things is absolutely confident they should be the one running it. And everybody that's running it is absolutely confident that they should be the one who continues to run it. And they don't want to give up that fucking throne. They don't want to give it up. And they're willing to pervert the very foundation of what this country is supposed to be all about. liberty and justice for all and benjamin franklin said it best he who would give up liberty for security deserves neither and that's where we're at we're at a terrible terrible point where the the system is inadequate for the information that's available people are too smart now

28:12the world is aware you can't have your crazy lobbyist special interest group set up it's nonsense. It's crazy. And it seems like some people are bribing you to do some shit the rest of us don't want to do. Well, guess what? Now, because we have this thing called the internet, the rest of us get to let you know exactly how you feel. We get to say exactly how we feel for the first time in human history. And we don't like this. And that's why there's hundreds of thousands of people in the streets. It doesn't have to be for one specific reason that you can nailed down in an intellectual debate with you know some fucking guy on c-span it doesn't have to be that it is an obvious sentiment that is the it's the the nature of the being is revolting it's like something fighting cancer those people are like white blood cells they don't know what

29:02the fuck they're doing but they know they're supposed to gather where this part is sick amen that's what's going on man salute cheers the armholes how badass was ronda rousey huh yeah cool chick i fell in love i know you did i saw you fade i saw you fade into lovesville well you know it it's weird being around a girl like that you're very i get i got very intimidated that girl would fuck you up i know i got intimidated yeah like i didn't want to she might be able to tap me man i'm scared i wouldn't want to roll with her right i would hate it if ronda rousey tapped me most girls i meet though like if like that come to a podcast or if I meet in person like even if I don't know him well if I like hung out with him for like five or ten minutes I'd be like all right good seeing you give him a hug right I don't know

29:45why I automatically go for a hug when yeah we all do it's a friendliness but with her I was like well here you go and I put out my hand and she goes you can have a hug come on yeah you didn't want her to get those double underhooks that's instinctual you didn't want her to fucking harigoshi your ass that was cool with all the different uh terms I knew yuchimata and harigoshi and I often use them wrong. You know, and she seemed like she was just like a cool surfer chick almost. Well, you know what she is, man? She's like a winner, you know, and winners come in all sorts of weird different forms, but they always have one thing they have in common. They're always exceptional in some way, shape, or form. She's got an exceptional brain, you know, like this girl's only like 24 years old, man, you know, and she could totally hang in any sort of conversation. Yeah, she says like a lot, but so what?

30:32So do you, you know? People say like a lot sometimes, you know? It's a version of, uh, you know, I understand. And people got upset about that. Like, she didn't like it or really worried. But yeah, but what did she say, though? What was what she was saying? She said some pretty cool fucking interesting shit. You know, can you imagine growing up a pretty girl doing judo, traveling around the world with your badass judo mom, who was a fucking, you know, who was going to college while she was raising you and competing on the Olympic judo team and fucking people up, the first person ever to win a gold medal from the United States for judo? It would be like dating a superhero. The closest you can get to dating a superhero. It's terrifying for you. Yeah. That would be a total role reversal from damaged girls. Do you think you could go from a girl who's like sort of a shy, demure girl

31:16to a girl that could just fucking hip toss dudes on their heads? I don't know. Do you think you could handle that? I don't know because they probably have their own kind of reason why that they, you know, it's like a stripper or like a comic. You know, they all have their reason to why they want to be an ass kicker, you know, or why they want to be a guy. I think she most certainly was influenced by her mother. I mean, her mother was a fucking super badass. Who is it? Who is it? Doug Benson. Doug Benson and Ari Schaeffer. Welcome, gentlemen. We're in the middle of our second anniversary podcast. Hello. What's up, brother? This is NASA. I work for NASA. Not really. Don't sue me. Have a seat, boys. This is our second anniversary podcast. What's up, Dougie Poos? Two years ago. What up, buddy? How are you, my brother? I don't know. This is the full fucking podcast network of friends here, folks.

32:09Everybody's got a podcast. If you don't know, Doug Benson has Doug Loves Movies, a fucking awesome podcast that I was on many years before I ever even started my podcast. And Doug's the shit, as always. And, of course, Ari Shafir has a podcast, too. Ari Shafir is the skeptic tank, and you can get all that shit on iTunes for freezies. Except sometimes Doug Benson gets crazy greedy and wants, like, a dollar. And dudes want to rape your mother for that. They want me $2. I want your two bucks. Is that what you asked for dollar ninety-nine? Do you feel bad now that you found out the Louis CK sold his whole special for five bucks? That's a fucking goddamn a lot of money and then it's really and they so smart with the the whole and I'm giving this much of it back to charity Like everybody just loves him. He's awesome. Yeah, that's a lot of money back to charity He couldn't be a cooler human being.

32:59Yeah, but that's also such a windfall that he wasn't necessarily expecting. I mean, the man already has a TV show and sold out concert tours. A million bucks in 10 days. That was just like an extra little. I love how he's being so open about all the numbers. I don't tell people shit. Yeah, he's being crazy open with the numbers. But that's his whole thing is just how honest he is in every aspect of his everything. No, he's awesome. He's an inspirational guy. I'm really glad he's around. 200,000 people got that in 10 days Yeah in just 10 days And by the way That fucking thing's gonna sell for years That could be something He could like live in some castle In the fucking He's gonna sell it to Comedy Central HBO at the end of it too I'm sure You think so? Yeah put it out to everybody else Maybe Yeah why not Fuck it As long as it's still available The way he does Or he might not do shit

33:45And just keep it on that website forever And that's the only place to get it from ever It's him Well you know my My TV is now linked up to the internet This is the first TV that I've ever had That's linked up to the internet I love it I fucking love it. I got Apple TV. You know what it is? Yeah, I only watch Hulu now and Netflix. And I'm about to cancel cable. If Hulu can get local channels, then I'm done. I don't need any more cable TV. What do you mean local channels? Does Hulu have network shows? They have network shows. They don't have them all. But guess what? Just like Netflix, I'll take whatever I can get. No, no. If Netflix has something, I don't give a shit about Torrance anymore. I'm doing it legally now. I'm looking at Netflix and going, all right, this documentary actually seems interesting. I'll watch it. But before, it was just I only watched Family Guy. I only watched Knight Rider.

34:29Doesn't Hulu only have the last four episodes of certain shows? They have full seasons of shows. Dude, I fucking love Hulu. I know I went to try to buy Battlestar Galactica on there, and they were like, no, we've got three episodes a season. Did you go to iTunes? No, Hulu. Did you go to Netflix after that? Dude, Apple TV. No, just download it all. It's this little tiny thing. It's only like $100, whatever it is. It's the shit. It's one of the best little inventions. It has so many documentaries on it, too. Like amazing documentaries. documentaries really even jen's pulvers driven was on that a really like kind of obscure documentary a real um low budget documentary about former ufc lightweight champion jen's pulver a bad one that's what netflix no yeah um apple tv it's fucking amazing doug i've watched uh super high

35:11me probably six times on netflix because i just that's an easy like background movie like if i'm smoking smoking weed what a compliment no no seriously how many times have you watched it But but do you get too many you get paid every time you somebody watches it on Netflix or do you is it do you even know no? No, that the accounting on that movie has become extremely fuzzy and there's some potential litigation Well, that was what would Louis CK was frustrated by Louis CK said that he never saw any sort of Rewards check what's the word not rewards? Residuals never saw any residuals never saw any any any payments from what and you know they're continuing to his DVDs. They're creating all these revenue streams for this product and then they just do some fancy numbers. They just do some tricky math where they just explain to you, oh, we didn't, you know, you only get it when we get into profit.

35:59Like, you only get a percentage of the profits and it's just a ridiculous percentage. And in the case of Super Jaime, it got sold. One distributor sold it to another. So then now there's a, it's like, well, then who's supposed to pay us? You know, like how are we supposed to get money from every every time somebody watches it or whatever. And the G4 network plays the shit out of it. Yeah. They play it constantly. And yeah, I don't see any money for that. It's good exposure. What I really love what Louis did, Louis really set the price too. It's five bucks now. You can't charge more than that. You can't charge more than that. I mentioned to other people, they're like, we should all do that. Charge 20 bucks for a totally mixed money. I'm like, nope. He's charging five. Yeah, you'd move a few. You'd move some. That's the thing. Like my $2 podcast, they sell, but it's not like I'm not making millions like that

36:46pull those down Doug Benson be free let the internet enjoy freedom do whatever you want to do Ari Shapiro thinking about selling his podcast I'm not going to but no advertising you got sponsors? yeah who's your sponsor? like everybody else adult companies ha ha ha adamandeve.com oh that's cool so when did they start sponsoring you? last week powerful you have to do your own accounting you're going to go to jail you cannot pay your taxes are going to go right to the podium. Oh, yeah. I usually pay them. Usually. That's smart. I can see Ari Shaffir having a fucking stack of bills sitting in the corner that you're supposed to go through. Oh, I definitely have that. I pay late fees. But then Texas is optional, right? It's like some years you don't get around to it. It's cool. Powerful Bert Kreischer. This is our second anniversary podcast show. Yeah, this isn't bad. We started late. Come sit down, brother. Come sit down.

37:36Joe never stops podcasting. Joe and Brian have podcastings happening every minute of the day. We're just doing this shit all day, kid. I saw Doug at the improv last night. That's what you said. It seems like such a waste not to be able to fucking do something. Yeah. No, that was an okay time last night over there, but we didn't get to podcasts. We just stood around in the hall talking to each other in between our sets. And not recording it. Yeah, not recording it. Why bother to have a conversation if it's not being podcasted? Well, I'm glad you guys are all here during our second anniversary podcast because you guys are amongst my favorite podcast guests ever. Do you have a second anniversary song, Brian? Yes. Second anniversary. Second anniversary. That sounds good. But two years ago, tomorrow, we started this fucker. Started the podcast? With a laptop. Yeah. And snowflakes. Now we got lasers, bitch.

38:33Two years got lasers. Is this part of live streaming? Is this live streaming also? Yeah, but this is Joe Rogan podcast, and then we're going to do the Ice House laser. Yeah, it's crazy. I saw Joe tweet at like 8 o'clock, podcast is starting, bitches. And I was like, Brian told me 9 o'clock. Yeah. It's fine. We expected everybody to show up later. With the holiday traffic. We just figured that once we would get talking, everybody would just join in and just whatever. It was a lot easier getting here tonight than the night when the day when that guy went nuts on Vine with the gun. Oh, my God. I heard that was the worst traffic in the world. Isn't that scary that just an earthquake can cause that times a million? Yeah. You're going to be stuck where you're at. That seems completely right. So you better have guns and water. Like when I get Arrowhead water now.

39:13It seems like the earthquake should do way more than one gunman. Do you keep it in your car? No, no, no. You know those water dispensers? It's like seven bucks a bottle for Arrowhead water to deliver it to your house. I now get like two extra. Just in case. I always have two extra big jugs of water. You can't leave those outside though. No, but you just put them in a room. It's really important. They say that it actually gives you some sort of a weird poisonous form of estrogen. Some freaky when you have bottles like plastic bottles and they have water in them and they're sitting out in the sun. Oh, yeah. That's no good. Yeah. Apparently there's some weird leakage. It gives you some like creepy fucking hormonal thing. It's like a type like a form of estrogen. Yeah. I might be totally butchering this. I cry at movies whenever I drink warm water. Brian. It's been in my car.

40:01Everything that gives you your period, Brian, that's flocking to. Oh, I know. It flocks towards soybeans and water. Edamame. He starts crying when he eats at a mama. But once you have the gun, what do you care about whether or not you have water? You just go get some water from somebody when you have a gun. That's why I only take girls that are bisexual. You can't do that, man. You ruin the whole brothership of man thing just to get some fucking water. It should be everybody goes into cooperation mode. So why do we need guns at all then? Because there's a lot of bitches out there. Most of them are men. I saw the movie. Cooperate with me. What's the movie with John Cusack where they get them all in pods and then they take off and they go out when the end of the world. Come on, people. I just saw this whole fucking movie. What? 2012? Yes. Man, it doesn't happen. That's how it ends? They leave in pods?

40:48They made these giant Noah's Ark type fucking metal ships to survive this life. A billion euros to get all of it. I didn't see that one. I was done with that guy's movies when he did The Day After Tomorrow. They give a little subplot of the girl's has a problem pissing her pants at the very beginning. Right. The little girl. The last line of the movie is, Daddy, look, no more pull-ups. And the movie ends. And I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? What do you mean no more pull-ups? She doesn't piss her pants anymore. Oh. Wow. And Bert Kreischer. So what's a happy ending? The movie was so dumb I never knew. Sorry. I was just going to say, Bert Kreischer is a man who never heard the word spoiler. At the very end. Right. Damn, Bert Kreischer. Why do we have to tell the last fucking line of the movie? He fucked up the whole pull-up spin. Now everybody's looking for it. Here's the deal about that movie, though. Fuck that movie.

41:39You haven't seen it by now. It's not really a movie. Don't tell me who Kaiser Soze is. Oh, come on. It's not a movie. What it is is an exercise in technology. It's an exercise. Look at the crazy shit we can do. This is almost happening. At a certain point in time, it becomes like one of those rides you take at Universal that are great for like 15 minutes because it's like, whoa, King Kong's really going to stomp on us. Oh, no, he doesn't. You know, because it's crazy how realistic it looks. While this fucking plane is flying, there's chunks of shit falling right next to it. It manages to get through. The runway is falling out underneath it as it takes off. Oh, yeah. Everything's always just two steps ahead of a certain death. It happened three times in that movie. They went way past preposterous to the fucking ridiculous zone. To the point where it was just, you're not even making a movie, stupid.

42:22They got chased by a preposterous. You know what they are? You know what they are? They're like a stripper that has tits that are this big And doesn't know why nobody thinks she's hot She's got tits that are this big 2012 Oh that's a movie No the fucking special effects were so stupid and unnecessary And took away from the actual movie Took away from any connection You have to what's going on It's like a girl who has unbelievable giant tits And she doesn't understand that that's gross You're a freak First of all I know they're not real And second of all, why the fuck are they that big? Like, what kind of a crazy neurosis do you have going on in your head? And she doesn't get it. It's like that mom from that MTV show Maid. And it's like, I just want my mom to be normal. That's the whole thing. And the mom's tits. It's my wife. Oh, gigantic. Mom's tits are like so fucking nuts. It is. Like, literally preposterous.

43:17Now, do you believe in breast reduction? Yeah. Yeah, man. I dated a girl who had to have that. Yeah, really? Yeah, she had these scars around her nipple and underneath it. And what happened was she was just born with giant tits. And they were always hurting her back. They would hurt her neck. And she wasn't a fat girl, so she had to do something about it. She was just super voluptuous. She was given a lot of unnecessary boners that weren't fair. They weren't fair. She didn't like it. She didn't like all the boners. Plus, she was beautiful. She was beautiful, and she had these ridiculous tits. But when I got to them, they had already been reduced. Reduced. But they still, I mean, they can recreate. Yeah, I mean, it looks just like a breast. You just have to deal with this. Reducing looks a lot better. It's totally breast-like. They actually remove the nipple and then relocate it. It's really kind of crazy. Really?

44:05Yeah, but to women that have giant tits, it's like a, I don't want to. It's an affliction. Well, yeah, it is, man. It's your fuck, man. It really hurts, you know? She would tell me that she would, like, her back would, like, lock up and shit. You can't jog. Yeah, she had crazy neck pains. And she was, like, real athletic, too. so it really used to piss her off because she used to do a lot of different sports and their fucking tits would hit her in the face and shit. I saw somebody walk me the other day and them jiggling up so hard. I was like, how do you live with those? She showed me a picture. Go get her, man. What are you doing? You're leaving your wife out there in the wild. This is Pasadena, son. She gets crazy here at night. She might be complimented. Careful. Are you going to bring her in here? Careful. Careful, Berg Kreischer. All right. I've never seen his wife, I don't think. Me neither.

44:46Man, you can't bring her into the jungle. you're not supposed to be bringing wives in here that's a smart move the dumb move would be you bring your wife in and she sits down and takes the microphone and starts talking stupid shit you know what I'm saying not that everybody's wife talks stupid shit but let's be honest a lot of people's wives talk stupid shit every now and then Tom Segura's wife is awesome the two of them together they actually enhance each other she's a fucking hilarious comedian Christina Pazitsky she's really fucking funny man And when I saw her at the Sam Tripoli show, I was like, this poor girl has to go on. Tripoli show is hard to do. It's really hard to do. It's so wild. All these porn stars are on stage. And there was a dude that was getting whipped. Yeah. Yeah. Whenever he's going to do the show, I'm like, I'll do a character or something. But I'm not doing stand-up in that.

45:34It's a crazy menagerie of chaos. And she walked up after the guy was getting whipped and just owned the place. And I was like, wow. And I had been talking to her before. It was the first time I had met her. It was just like a half an hour before. and I was like, wow, Tom's wife is so nice. And then I knew what the fuck she was going to have to do. She was going to have to go on after this guy with his pants down, getting spanked by a porn star. And I was like, whoa. How is she going to just, you know, she better not have some lame bullshit, you know? You know, like you have that one friend who doesn't know how to, they might have some good jokes, but they don't know how to get going. You get off to a bad start in one of those places, it's like running on ice. You know, she just went out there and crushed. And I was like, wow. I went to a wrestling event. in Toronto and somebody had to go on

46:17during intermission. So I'm like, new comic. I was like, oh, everybody left. I stayed there just because I felt bad. I wanted to give an audience. Oh my God. It's such an impossible situation. You know, my dad's been married for so long. He always gives me these weird Christmas gifts and all these tools from hardware stores. He gave me a Dremel recently. He gave me rope to keep in the car just in case I have to tow something. And I'm thinking, you know what? Why does he give me all these tools and all these fucking things? And I'm thinking, oh, these are all the same things that Dexter uses to murder his victims. I think my dad's just getting me. He's like living in hell, and he's just like, no, you can take this. Dude, listen to this. There's a place. There's a show called Hidden City. It's a new show on the Travel Channel. Good fucking show. And one of the things they had on is the Black Dahlia murder.

47:05You know the Black Dahlia murder? Really fucking creepy murder. Yeah, they made a movie about it. It was a woman. It was in L.A., and a surgeon had cut her open and left her there. They knew that it was a surgeon. Like the way it was done, it was like she was expertly dissected. And it really creeped people the fuck out. And they had this guy who found his father's fucking journal after his father died. And it had all these photos of this woman in it, this Black Dahlia woman. And then it turns out that he found out that this guy, his father, was actually fucking this chick. And then he looks at the fucking letters that this guy had sent to the police because he was like mocking them. the Black Dahlia murderer he found out he would send things to the police things of hers that she owned the son found out that his dad who is a prominent doctor who like did a lot of like creepy shit one of the reasons

47:56why he got away with this and they didn't even chase him down as a suspect was because he did a lot of abortions and a lot of like he treated people for VD he did a lot of things for Hollywood stars and he knew some secrets and so there's too many people in power had some influence and somehow or another this guy slipped under the radar, but his guy's son was outing him. His son was saying, that's my dad's handwriting. I'm looking at these letters. His dad died already? Yes, his dad was already dead. Do you share that, though? He knows his dad was boning her. Yeah, I would. Fuck yeah, you do. Seriously? Fuck yeah, you do. I'd want my kids to share it, too. Fuck yeah, you do. You don't get caught. You're already dead. Jesus Christ. Let it out. I want everybody to know what I did. But you're taking the bullet. That's like paying off your dad's debts. That's information that people need to know.

48:37First of all, they need to know that people are capable of doing such shit, and that someone could be your dad and a loving father that's information you can't hold that back it's this a terrifying possibility that your own father could have cut a woman in half he kept all those pictures he must have enjoyed it not only did it's like a person to the police he kept sending them sending them letters and sending them like pieces articles of her clothing like he taunted them and i would want my son to tell right you would want your son to know yeah to tell to tell everybody yeah well if you were that fucked up and off the rails yeah yeah you want to get out when you have no chance of getting caught. That's perfect. Not even. Why would you? Why? I would say it was a lie. Is that what you're thinking? No, I don't want to ruin mine. All of a sudden. What do you have to do with it? You're the son.

49:22How did you do wrong? That's not a fucking common name. All of a sudden, it's like Kreischer, the Dahlia Killers, and then I'm also Albert Kreischer. And they're like, so you did it? Well, let's start that anyway. Let's start Kreischer, the killer anyway. Bert Mencia. Bert Mencia has a nice ring to it. Killing machine. What's to stop you from, it's not really his name what's to stop you from making it your name two why couldn't you just call yourself Burt Mencia how fucking brilliant would that be if someone just took the name of a famous person like my name's Joe Rock can anybody stop you no Woody Goldberg said fuck it my Chris Rock's brother no no no no but we're all related why didn't I come out with Burt Pitt my name is I'm his fat comic brother somebody should call himself Carl Mencia Carl because then even alphabetically he'd always be right before him in listings of comedians. CRL. Wow, that's like Bruce Lai winning the Oscar.

50:19That's what I thought of when I did Super High Me was that it's funny that it'll be right next to Super Size Me in listings of movies and stuff. So I still get that little extra push of people are probably going to be looking up the other movie and then maybe notice mine. It's like Segura's album's Thrilled. Is it a thriller? I told him he should call it Thriller too. I think I did I don't know But you gotta call it You gotta call it something like Like something Like I'm trying to name Thriller again I've never been good at naming things though You're good at naming What's your next movie? The Greatest Movie Ever Rolled Right Like that's What is that about? Is anybody on the planet More connected to the weed Than Doug Benson? Yeah Good point Me I'm right up there with you buddy I got it tattooed on my body Oh, see, you've gone a step further than me. I wanted to be able to be buried in a Jewish cemetery, so I can't.

51:14I can't get a tattoo. No, he's not doing it. No, he wants to. Hits the joke. Hits the joke. What if he meets the right girl, man? Whoa. Damn, Burr Christchurch. It's fun when we get him in the room. Burr Christchurch is turning into a dolphin. Even if you weren't a hilarious comic, you would just be the most fun person to be around, right? Oh, because I'm in my lap. Is that why you went into stand-up? Because people are always having a good time when you're around? I don't know. I don't know. You just got a great energy. You know what's so funny? I don't know. I have no fucking idea. Why did you go into stand-up? You know what? Let me tell you something. You got a great energy, but you also have an energy that's like, you're such a fucking nice guy. When guys like us run into you, like, oh, somebody might take advantage of this guy. I'm the first guy getting raped in a prison riot.

52:00You know, you're not just a fun, nice guy. You're a fucking sweetheart. Thanks, Joe. But he also has that, you know, he's got some pretty dark tweets, which are always fun. What are my dark tweets? What are my dark tweets? I never have anything dark. I own my Christian company. No man has ever earned the Life of the Party title. You and Joey Diaz are neck and neck. Joey Diaz is a different kind of magic because he's a human cartoon. He's a human cartoon. Do you know how often I hear in my head? You turn him on and watch him go. He just walks in the room and just owns that bitch. Dog, you'll eat him. a girl breaking into a girl's house and need her pussy on Quailu's? Lucy Snorebush. I hear that in my head all the fucking time. She woke up, what are you doing? Don't worry about it. I mean, you're a monkey at two in the morning. Come on. Why walk on ice when you dance?

52:49There was a moment when he was telling that story that I've never laughed as hard in my life. Oh, no, that must have sounded horrible. I've never done that. And I started going, none of us have broken into a girl's house on a Quailu's. I've never even had Quailu's. I had so many great moments with him at the comedy store. You know, when I first met Brian, Joey was one of the main reasons for hiring a guy like Brian to follow us around the comedy store. Because you never knew when magic would just come popping out of his mouth. Yeah, when the egg roll would come out. You never know. He was so crazy. He was always willing to drop his pants. Always pulling his dick out. I'll take my dick out in a heartbeat. He's taking it to the next level. Bert's like, I'm a soldier. Take my dick out like a soldier. I was doing radio in Richmond. There was this young band, and they were playing in there.

53:32Did you ever do Richmond? Sludge The morning sludge No And so there's a young man And I go You guys ready for the road And they're all like I didn't realize they were 14 And they're like Yeah we're ready for the road And I go The shit that happens on the road And they're like What goes on the road And I go Like leaky submarine Like you ever play that With your friends And they're like What And I go How about this And I just take my dance And show them my dick And these guys just They're children I totally forget that They're children Listen maybe you should be Admitted 10 years ago This is 10 years ago I think there's no Statue of limitations On that shit My parents are in the waiting room I had not expected that to happen. What if your dad did that? Would you tell people after he died? Hey, man, that never really happened, right? That's all a joke. It's a joke we were talking about earlier.

54:10It's really important to let everybody know. People are thinking, like, did Bert Kreischer really expose himself to this? No. No. No, it's a joke. It's just material, bitches. And they were 12. They were literally eight. Like eight. Did you hear the fucking story in the internet of a guy who shot his gun off to shoot a fucking mouse, missed the mouse, hit his friend in the chest. The police come and find out that his other roommate had a 13-year-old hiding in the closet. And no one knew. No one knew. No one had any idea. This guy snuck a 13-year-old and was fucking her for months and had her hiding in the closet. And he got caught because his roommate shot at a mouse. Hide me quiet. she was hiding with her hands stop hiding little girl could you imagine if you could you imagine if you were a roommate of that guy and you had no idea I turned in that guy but I bet that guy who got caught was like

55:08you fucking asshole why would you shoot a mouse you idiot I don't know they believe his friends didn't know they believe by their reaction that his friends had no idea apparently it was like really obvious I don't know Cops have a pretty good judgment. When you're right there at the scene of a crime, they've seen a million fucking guilty people today. When shit like that happens, like, did you know that guy was there? And if you jump back, no, I didn't fucking know. There's certain dudes where you know that's not a guy's not acting. Even just having been a cop for a while, you have that street sense where you know what's going down. It's like how you can sit in an audience and you can almost tell someone. A lot of them. I mean, not all of them, but a lot of them, though. It's when you sit in an audience and you can. Tell someone it's a comic. I can tell you what someone does almost

55:53I can tell you what kind of car they drive Just from having it done so much No I'm good I can't I don't smoke weed You shouldn't even touch it Listen you're smoking weed in this room whether you like it or not I got news for you the ventilation is not the best It's designed to be non-ventilated To keep the good stuff in Wait do you think the mouse was on the wall Or was the guy on the floor already And aiming at the mouse The guy was on the ground And the other guy was on the ground also He just missed. He's an asshole. And somehow or another a bullet ricocheted or somehow hit him in the chest. I mean, maybe the fucking mouse was on a counter. Who the hell knows? But the point is he shot his roommate, went through the wall, hit his roommate in the chest. I mean, it's a scene in a fucking Coen Brothers movie. It's what it is. It really is. It's more evidence that life is fiction.

56:36I mean, just try to imagine that being a scene in a movie. A cop shows up because another guy. You wouldn't even want to. You would have to see the whole scene play out. You'd have to see the guy go to shoot at the mouse, miss the mouse, hit his friend in the chest. cops come what the fuck is in that guy's closet yeah and one guy slept through the whole thing one guy they woke him up they woke him up he didn't even hear he didn't hear anything until the cops were like shaking him up are you serious like what who fucked who what he had no idea could you imagine you go to bed you're just hanging out with your bros we got a cool house together you know i don't know tom he's kind of weird stays in his room most of the time but he's a great roommate man here's a good situation we have a nice neighborhood you know my car is safe at night

57:16I'm just gonna get some sleep and you wake up the middle it's the cops listen I got news for you kid your world has been shattered your room is a fucking pedo and the other one shot the other one in the chest because he was trying to hit a mouse what shit I don't want to move back in with my fucking parents I'm never taking off a brain again it does sound like a dream it sounds like a dream this guy went to bed thinking he has a great place where what was the art like on the walls of that apartment it was all deaf leopards all deaf leopards of fucking velvet posters. Yeah. Yeah. All velvet and Elvis. And he likes Elvis without even knowing his music. You know, it's fucking Elvis. It's a shit, bro. Elvis was number one. Elvis always number one, bro. The suspicious minds can get me going. Yeah, you know who does it better? Dwight Yoakam. Dwight, I've got, my wife's a redneck. Dwight Yoakam, bro. Dwight Yoakam plays

58:04the fucking shit out of suspicious minds. It's so good. You go, damn, he might have done it better than Elvis. It's that fucking good. If you're into that shit, you got to open up. If you're not into Dwight Yoakam, you ain't got no soul, bitch. You're missing something. What's the most country you've got? How could you do it? I go Merle Haggard. I'm a big Johnny Cash fan. My dog's named Johnny Cash. I love Johnny Cash. Who just made the album with Jack White? Linda Ronstadt. Oh, did she really? And he produced it. Linda Ronstadt could sing her fucking ass off. You're no good. You're no good. You're no good. Baby, you're no good. Yeah, is that her? Yeah, a little bit chubby. It would be weird if it wasn't, right? Yeah. No, she definitely sang that song. She sang a bunch of songs. Blue Bayou, that Blue Bayou song. How's that, girl? Her fucking voice is beautiful, man. I mean, people don't give Linda Ronstad any credit.

58:57I'm going back someday. She chubbed up. Come what may to Blue Bayou. She kind of tapped out in life. She looked good when I saw her in that video with Jack White. She didn't really take a lot of yoga classes and stick to that vegan diet and really try to make the most out of the body. She looks okay. She got back. She sprung back. She looks okay. I mean, she's old. She was a badass bitch She had one music video That I really liked watching Because she would like Jump around in a dress Or something Brian, this is a picture of her, man If you could find it Like one of her first albums Find it Pull that picture up She's super cute I have a fucking thing For the 70s, man Didn't she hit it like 30? I have this crazy For those girls I don't know Been through some shit Oh, yeah Most likely She had a lot of Linda Rodstab, bitch Pay attention to the show I was helping Bird out I was helping Bird out With something Oh, yeah?

59:40Bird, you're trying to get him Suck your dick? Just tell us Oh, Bird's got a situation All you gotta do is ask, man. Did you have to show Brian your penis? Jesus Christ. Fucking switching the camera every five seconds. Oh, damn, her butthole's gross. That's an inside joke because of Brian's assistants. Do you know what song I was addicted to the other day? What? Every day I'm shuffling. Really? That's the fucking weak version, bro. It's hustling. But for whatever reason, they censor it. Seriously? You're going to Walmart version. So this whole weekend I've been singing on stage and I've been singing the Christian version? Do you see the Sesame Street version? Why would you be shuffling? Why would you be shuffling when you could be hustling? What photo do you want? Linda Ronstadt? Linda Ronstadt, one of her album covers, the early album covers. Look behind you. There you go.

60:26I'm trying to scroll as if somehow or another have control over this. That looks like a dude with a shotgun. Look at the one where she's in the roller skates in the hallway. Oh, and that red top, that's a cute one too. Down, down, down, down, down. No, they're down. No, they're down. The down floor. Click on that. upper yeah that image she's she's a cutie look at how cute she is she's got a moon face she looks like the girl from growing pains she looks like the girl from growing pains she does she looks like tracy gold i had a crush on her too though listen linda ronstadt was a bad ass tracy gold natalie linda ronstadt we're talking over each other here people Linda Ronstadt was a badass bitch. You got to respect Linda Ronstadt. Brian, play some Linda Ronstadt. Let's hope she doesn't sue us. We can't. We can't do that. Just do it, bitch. You're no good. Get up that song, You're No Good.

61:19I think as long as we talk over it, we're allowed to do this somehow or another. Hopefully SOPA doesn't lock us up and steal our feet. Yeah, don't take our feet, please. What is the SOPA thing? Do you have an opinion on this? Being a man of the internet? What is it? Do you know who it is? Stop Online Piracy Eyes? Isn't that soup in Spanish? Yes, SOPA. I'll tell a little bit about it. It's people are pretty fired up about it. Yeah. Some people, yeah. I saw it was trending today at one point. What is it? Well, it's Stopping Online Piracy Act. And what people are worried about is that it's going to give the government permission to shut down websites. Oh, yeah. Anytime they want to. Shut up. Yeah. Yeah, it wouldn't be a good power for them to have. But I also, something tells me that, you know, especially in an election year, they're not going to try to.

62:05It's become such a big hot potato that I don't know how committed they're going to be to it anymore. As soon as they find out that it might lose them. This is not the right song, Brian. Desperado? No, you're no good. You're no good. You're no good. That's Desperado. Bro, that's a fucking Eagles song. You don't know that song? How dare you? You have no knowledge of the 70s rock, do you? You're just living. Is Desperado Eagles or did they just cover that? I could get into this, like drunk on a plane. Listen to this bitch's voice. Just stop. You don't get that without some pain in your life. Feeling better since I'm over you. You guys listen to this shit. You hear that, man? That's some righteous indignation for your ass, son. That's a chick speaking from the fucking soul on a stage with a microphone. Imagine if you were the guy who fucked her over, and then you knew that this song was about you.

63:17God damn, Linda Ronstadt just fucking iced you out from the country. Especially if she was a chipmunk. Are you playing this video? I want to hear her singing. What? Are you playing this video? I want to hear her singing. No, it's just a song. Oh, you did not play it? Okay. I like watching the old lady sing And he does You said a beautiful voice Did you just speed it up? No You're stoned Brian, did you speed it up? It's been spit up the whole time What the fuck is wrong with you, man? Just play the real song That's so stupid That was like a faster version I thought her voice was a little more chipmunk-y When we want to talk about something, don't do that That's stupid No, there was an effect on And I just realized it You fucked up the whole thing, man I just realized Listen to this. Thank you. Oh, wow. Now she looks like a woman asshole. That's such an asshole thing to do. What other voice are you talking about?

64:07Listen to this. This is a real voice. Yeah, it sounds more like a woman now. I thought it was just a shitty recording. She sounded like Susanna Hoffs. You're fucking 12 years old, bro. Go change your tampon, you weirdo. You made her sound like Susanna Hoffs in that time. She had a really high voice. She had a more chipmunk. Still was good. How about that? Still. Still was good. Still better than most shit. Still holds up. But listen to this. Even Brian Redman can't ruin it. Yeah, look at this. I didn't know there was background singing before. There's like something about chicks that have that kind of power in their voice. It's really scary. It's intimidating, man. Yeah, but the wheels come off when they're 40. Fuck yeah, they do. Hardcore. Into the woods. You ever seen Heart lately? Well, listen, dude, they're in their 50s. Yeah, are they still going? Man, I can listen to that song. What's that song?

65:07They need to CGI those bitches. They need to do like they do that Japanese band. Once they got one of those girls got fat. It didn't matter. She still belted it out. The Wilson sisters? Yeah. Nancy's still at it. That's hard. She's married to Cameron Crowe. What? She's the pretty one. She's the thin one, right? And then there's the other one. They both had their moments, I thought. I thought they were both. Yeah, yeah, yeah. the beginning when heart was going they were like they wore really flowy clothes but they were one guy they did a lot of kicking you know a lot of a lot of you know high kicks when there's belting out barracuda and shit let us sing it let us say Can you imagine if that was you she was singing about? God damn. Everybody would be on her side. She sings too good. I keep thinking of the guy sitting next to you as you're hearing this for the first time.

66:04He goes, hits you and like, dude, it's a good song, huh? And you're like, fuck. Not for me. Linda Ronstadt had it. Whatever the fuck it was, listen to this. Is that an effect? Why do you have to do that? Just let it end, man. Somebody suggested to me on Twitter today that instead of a drinking game, we do a smoking game and you have to take a bong rip every time Brian Redband says something stupid. I don't want to die. I don't want to be the first guy to die from marijuana poisoning. I don't have that kind of lung capacity. I don't want to be the first dude. I told that Twitter early. It was rude, Brian. It was a rude thing for him to say. We ruin the cause. You know what happened to me? I got a fake Doug Benson that I've been talking to. Yeah, me too. He does this dumb, yeah, underscore Doug, underscore Benson, underscore. Hey, buddy, don't do that. Why don't you just change your name to Doug Benson Fan?

66:53That would be totally cool. But right now you're confusing people. He still just retweets everything I write. It's the weirdest thing. What's the point? He loves you. Anyone that's following him is following you, too. It's a good thing, man. He loves you. He ain't a bad guy. He loves you. But it's confusing, sir. Please change your name. Yeah, that's weird. Change your name. On the honor system, I think it's fair that Doug Benson should tell you. And you should respond to this, right? So you know the guy listens to this stuff? Of course. He listens to everything you do, bro. He's got a Google chip in your underwear and he's following you on town. He's smelling your underwear. He's on a bike. He's on a bike with a GPS thing following you. He trolled me because I thought he was asking. I thought you were asking me to be on your podcast in like a joke. And I go, oh, yeah, sure.

67:39And then you replied something like, sounds great, Bert. I can't DM you. Give me your number. No, for what? For a while now. Oh, my God. No, no, no. I did say give me your number, but I was joking. It was a joke. It was me joking, but then that guy retweeted it. And then I replied, I've fallen for that too many times. I'll just give you my address. Yeah, and he gave me a fake address. So that was a funny reply. But the thing that cracked me up about you is for months now, every time you mention me on Twitter, I always click on your thing to send you a direct message to say hey let's trade numbers or email or something and you don't follow me I do follow you no I've been following that guy I've been following that guy so this whole time that guy hasn't been around that long I'm talking about for months now you haven't been a follower Twitter randomly unfollows me Twitter randomly unfollows me I don't blame you

68:26I don't care I'm just saying it took this exchange before you clicked on follow Ari doesn't follow nobody what are you lying about Why? Because of this reason. Lion, bitch. This reason. I don't want to get into stupid fights like this. Let me tell you this. Let me tell you this. I don't think we're in a fight. First of all, A, this is not a fight. But yes, it is a common thing that people get upset when people are not following them. Me, I let it go. But Doug Benson, if you want to get all aggro. No, I just want to get in touch with him. You want to go after Bert for not following him. I'm just lazy and I want to get in touch with him. So it's funny. Every time I click on it, it's just funny when somebody mentions you. Generally, when you click on it, you can write back to them. Because they're following you. That's why they're talking about you Like they're not typing At and your name Unless they're assholes Yeah

69:08Unless they're trying To get your attention I've brought you up a bunch On Twitter Yeah I got a lot of people That just write my name And something shitty And then I can't write back to them Because they're not even Following me in the first place But that's you know My Twitter randomly Unfollows people Yeah Unfollows me Yeah it does that Because I did follow you For a long time Because you're the one That got me on too You don't You just DM people You don't reply I don't reply I don't reply in front of everybody Because I think that's boring It's so smart. Some people are weird, man. They want to have conversations out in the public. Hey, man, how's everything? They're trying to drag you out into involving them in front of everybody. Yeah. You know, and it's... Yeah, instead of being a natural conversation. I'm happy to engage in a natural conversation.

69:49If I have the time, like if I'm somewhere, I'm in a doctor's office or something, I've got 10 minutes to kill, I'll hop on Twitter and answer questions, read everything and just answer questions. But it's got to be on my convenience. I've got to be able to do it whenever I want to do it. Yeah, and you retweet the question and your answer so that the people get the whole story. I just don't still get that people just write to other people back and forth. Yeah, they'll write back and forth. It's like, why is it? You should be, whatever you're doing on Twitter, you should want people to read because it's going to be interesting, not something that's just white noise or confusing. You do know about if you click on something and if it was properly tweeted, it will show up on most applications and in the website as a timeline.

70:26So you don't have to retweet it if you click on it right and retweet that thread. Yeah, if you're just replying, nobody else sees it. Right, right. But if somebody does that, yeah. But most people do that, don't they? No, you give people that extra level of research, they're not going to do it. I mean, as it is, you'll find most people writing to you on Twitter, they just signed up. They just heard about it through you or however. And so they're like testing the waters and they'll say something to you. And their avatar is always an egg because they haven't even figured out how to do that. And so at first, everyone's really confused. So whenever I DM somebody, immediately I get back, hey, man, I can't write back. It won't let me write back to you is the phrase people use. It won't let me. And I always write back, you know, the system works. That's like how it's supposed to be.

71:11I'm happy to say something back to you, but I can't follow everybody. Can you imagine following everybody? Do you get direct messages direct to your phone? Yeah. You do. Oh, you're ridiculous. That's ridiculous. I don't do that. But that's because all the people I follow, I want to know when they say something about me. 420 people? 420, yeah. You want to know when they say anything about you? Jesus Christ. Or, you know, whenever they're trying to say something to me. Oh, any direct message. A direct message is like it. But it's not. You don't have it go off in your phone every time there's a tweet to your name, do you? No, I do. No, but if someone I'm following tweets my name for some reason, it comes up. And that's usually saying something to me that I would like to respond to. So even if they say it out in the public stratosphere, not even a direct message,

71:55just in the public, if they say your name, it comes to your phone. So that's 420 people that text you every day. No, they don't. because a lot of people just tag him maybe like five a lot of people chill that's a great way to do it I guess right if you want to give them ultimate access to you that's the smart way to do it that just made sense Doug because that does my phone does the same thing now that I realize that it does it's only people I follow that they're at like today Mark Maron wrote I'm on Doug Benson's blah blah blah blah blah and it came up on my phone and I like to know that I like to know that Mark was nice enough to give it a plug and what he said about it all of this just to name drop Mark Maron Mark Maron did that tweet end with a sigh he's trying to be a nice guy He's a good guy. in a humorous way. He likes a lot. He just explodes a lot. He's funny when he's doing it, but it's, yeah.

73:06You gotta understand his thing. That's all it is. He is a good guy. You just gotta understand his thing. He just tends to go to the negative. Yeah, and he's... He told me my podcast, I asked him what he had to do, and he was like, come over, what are you doing? I'll show you everything. No, he's not a bad guy, man. I like Mark. He's just struggling. He's in a constant struggle with himself. But he's not a bad person. He's just... He's just a... He's a fucking artist, man. You know when you're an artist there's a lot of us are weird, you know That's just something we have to accept and all the cool people that I know are in one way or another weird You know You learn is in the house powerful. We're just weird as it gets right here Just happen to be talking about weird people who fucking shows up perfect timing weirdo

73:48Yeah, is the Marc Maron drinking game to listen to the podcast and every time there's a sniffle you drink does he snow? I think you yeah, but you drink coffee. You don't know Nobody looks at that show that does drinking games. They're all winners. I'm happy to see that guy doing good, though. I always thought he was a talented comedian. Whatever had held him back for however long, before he got really recognition for what he's capable of. But as an interviewer, he's excellent. He's great. Even if he goes a tad towards the negative, I think that he'd get stuff out of you. I did not mind my conversation that I had with him. It was really open, and I tried to be as honest as possible. and people say, oh, he was trying to get you. And I said, I don't think so. I think he just wanted all the information. He wants to be an interesting interviewer. He wants to make the whole thing interesting to listen to.

74:36Yeah, if you really want to do that, if you want to get all the information at the expense of a person's feelings, that is the way to do it. It's the only way to do it. And you have to be open to that if you're willing to sit down and talk to a guy like that. And that's supposed to be that way. It's a good thing. It's a good thing. Whatever it confronts for you, it's probably good. I mean, he's not dishonest about it. when he's confronting you or communicating about something, he's most certainly doing it out of an intellectual point of view. He's thought about it. He's dissected it. And this is what he is coming up with. But a lot of times whatever your thing is that makes you you is also the thing that fucks you up, I think. A lot of people, yeah. Because I'm really honest and always try to be friendly if I see someone. And even if I don't know them, if I do them, I didn't barely know Doug at all.

75:22And one day he was getting high outside my daughter's school. and I was like, swear to God. I wasn't getting high out there. You were. I swear to God. No, I wasn't. What were you doing? I was going back to my car from the gym right there. I go to Gold's Gym. Okay. You looked like you were getting high. But I went up and I totally approached him in this almost like a fan. Like, hey, Doug, I just want to say all these things. And then so often that view is taken as, oh, he's weak. No one respects. Like, I'm just trying to be very honest in the moment. Well, let me be honest, man, because when I first had gotten in contact with you, it was through Twitter. And I didn't know anything about you other than that Jay Moore story. That's what I kept hearing from people. But just by following you on Twitter and then communicating with you on Twitter, I was like, look how nice this fucking guy is.

76:10There's, like, certain things that come through, like, in text where you can tell, you know. And then when we had you on the podcast, it was like, boom, you are, like, exactly how you write. You're just a great guy. But because you're such a warm guy, people who have deep-set insecurities will try to prey on that. And that's where a guy like you has to be careful because you really are like the life of the party, but you need to be around a bunch of people who are like your bros, who are going to fuck up. I'm so sad that I said that, bros, but I meant it in the right way. I meant it in the correct context. It was just really the incorrect word. I stumbled there. I apologize profusely. If I was writing. Comrades. I was writing. Yeah, Comrades is excellent. I was writing. I would hit backspace and go, bro, what's the fuck, idiot? I would step away from the computer right now and rub my hands together,

76:57and then I'd re-engage because that was the appropriate choice. No, I totally know what you're saying. But you know what I'm saying? You're one of those guys. You're the life of the party guy. To borrow a phrase from Brody Stevens, positive energy. What the fuck is going on? You're on the wrong side of that thing. The microphone is actually on the other side. It's the purple tape side. Yeah, it's purple tape. That's it. You get twisted. It's so ridiculous, but if you don't talk into that thing, you're in the distance. Yeah, the thing's broken. We had this porn star in there, and she broke the mic. I think she stuffed it up her ass. There we go. What do you think of this? Bam, bitches. I feel like I'm eating corn on the cob now. Yeah, it's yellow. It looks like a kill shot. It looks like one of those hot dogs in a little croissant. What is that? Pig in the blanket. Pig in the blanket. Yeah.

77:40So what I said off mic was that, to borrow a phrase from Brody Stevens, Burt Kreischer is positive energy. Yeah, yeah. But your problem is you're so positive that I feel like I have to look out for you. Thank you, Joe. I do. I went to the company store. I don't feel like you need it. I know you don't need it. You're a grown man. You're a fucking grown man. A husband. No, you're not. I'm a regular mess. Like, every one at this table is a mess. You just need to be protected. You need to be in the right cult. I need to be in the right cult. I can totally get into it. We're going to take you in. We're going to bring you in. If you start a cult, I'm fucking in. We're in. We already have. It's called the Death Squad. You're a part of it. So we are. Let's get our, let's get branded. It's a super positive cult. Do whatever you want to do. We're not controlling you at all.

78:22Guys, let's take it to the next level and brand each other tonight. I'll do it. I'm in. I'm in. It's all about impulse, Joe. Bert Kreischer was seconds away from drinking his own piss at my house. I swear to God I would have done it. I had him. We would have done it. I'm drinking my piss, okay? I'm just saying. I've already done it. I saw you do it. You want to get crazy. I saw you do it. I know so much more about you guys than you. Do you just, what? Sorry. I was going to say that. Go ahead, Doug. No, you said it. I was going to ask Joe if he ever just reaches in like, I'll eat one of these bugs. Like what, you know, have you ever done that? Doug Benson becomes some guy that I meet at Fridays in Oklahoma. Hey, man, I just got to ask you something. You ever just reach in and grab one of those bugs? Doug Benson, you ever do that? You ever do that, though? How long you been working as a manager at Fridays? Years. Joe.

79:12Hey, Joe. Is fear a factor for you? Wow, it's crazy. It's a crazy question. I have to think about that. Come back to you. I'm going to write something down. No, but you've done like – I don't want to just let this go off the top of my head. I want to really consider it. You've done like – you've tried some of the stunt things they have to do, right? I've only eaten a few things. I've only eaten like some – I've eaten a spider, a roach. Most of it's nothing. Most of it's completely in your head. Like on E recently, this kid named Michael Yo. Michael Yo was on the – he's on the E channel, Brian? The E channel? Drink everybody Entertainment Michael Yeo was on the first season of Fear Factor I think he was on the very first episode of Fear Factor And now he's like one of these On TV guys And so he came and we Came to the show to film some stuff Like hey this is where you started out This is your first time on TV

80:00And we ate these spiders together And I ate this cave dwelling spider It looked horrific but it was like nothing Really fucking nice guy Really nice guy, fun guy he's a big time radio DJ in Miami he does like really well on the radio and he actually does it like he goes to Miami and also does it from LA as well I think you know he does it somehow or another like records the segments he's a great guy though I have a fear factor question when am I going to see that girl crying with the other person shaving her head that's coming up I don't know why that's a two hour episode and when I tell you something man that's some of the deepest shit you're ever going to see on TV that is fucking it was fascinating water cooler conversation I don't want to say anything until it's over, but god damn, that chick was badass. And I'll tell you what, man, she looked better. She looked better after she shaved her head.

80:48I don't want to say anything more than this, but this is an amazing episode, man. I have a fear factor question. That video that you showed us that we can't talk about. I can't talk about that right now. No, but is there any updates? It's on the schedule as far as we know. Question, episode two, season three. What was she wearing and who designed it? Do you get personally disappointed when the team of hot girls is the first team eliminated? No. Sometimes it's better. I don't want to stare at them and just leer like a creepy old man. Just get out of here. Cut, Joe. Look up. The sad shots they do of the contestants walking away when they've been eliminated is so funny. I know. It is kind of funny. It's kind of ridiculous. Bert Kreischer will be back in two seconds, everybody. One, two. In the meantime, let's get to know Jason Galler. Do you have any music you play in the background?

81:38It's about applause or something. I actually... Cued up. Hold on, please. Sir. You brought your own music. Sir, we'll introduce you on our own time, sir. Thank you. Welcome to the podcast. Listen to these guys. The first time on, they want to just take control. Start talking when they want to talk. You're going to feel really bad when I give you a gift, Jeb. I don't ever feel bad when you give me gifts. That's part of what makes me happy. There's keys for him. Whatever you choose to do, I do not feel bad for ever. This is intro music for another guest? You can choose to give me all the money in the world, and I'm going to go, oopsies. I'm not going to feel bad. I'm going to say, well, I've got to give some of it to other people. I've been waiting for Galern to get on this podcast for the longest time. I love this guy so much. You want to kiss him right now? Let's do this, Brian.

82:23Let's bring in the new year the right way. Come on. Get up, boy. Get up. Let everybody know. Let everybody show you your love. Tongue, Brian. Don't be scared. Tongue a man. You don't need to. It's just like holding hands. If you can hold his hand, you can tongue him. Get in there boy. He is hilarious and are you allowed to talk about what you do for a living? Yeah, I mean if I get shit can can I be like a fucking page on your show because you know, it's not internet We're gonna have talk. What is the the issue is there an issue in hands or pro. No, it's like There's no issue, but I Stop the presses stop. Yes, so it's like let's get all our Our generals over here. Let's pull aside. Does anybody know anything about the law? Here's what I think. Call Joey Diaz. He watches the law all the time. I think he could be easily discharged for anything that he says. A thousand percent. Do you use your real name?

83:19Yeah, absolutely. Okay. We've got a problem. Yeah. You can't talk. All right. Well, that's why even on the Twitter stuff, hello, love, how are you? I won't say that I teach on Twitter or whatever. Hi What happened Hi, how are you? What's going on? The We just The entire cult of Kreischer just entered the building They're big fans of They have back problems Are they going to go to the They have glaucoma Because they're going to the comedy show So I knew that was happening So they're taking a nice break Go give them this, and it's really good for glaucoma. Okay. Hey, so I think I've come up with a solution for Jason. I think you just need to draw pictures of what you're thinking of for the whole time. Because I don't think you can get sued for pictures. Do you like doing it? You really like? You know, yeah, it's all right. I mean, it's just like, you know, I'm the same in that fucking class as I am anywhere,

84:24so I can appreciate it. Like, I teach. They're like juvenile offenders. so you know but you enjoy doing that you enjoy working with yeah i mean it's a fucking job i mean you know it's like would you do it if you had i mean if you didn't need if i would you if i didn't have a fucking family and a mortgage and i could make some money i'd probably go to this place that i teach and volunteer play soccer and fucking it's that rewarding no no no no see bry I mean look It's like Well no it's not I mean I've been doing it So fucking long That I just treat them Like I would treat anybody Right You know what I mean So it's not like I'm trying to save The fucking world Well for them That's probably a nice thing man Cause you're a nice guy That's probably true They might not have anybody That's willing to treat them nice And they don't And then I remember that When they come back And they're all fucking You know

85:15Dude that's really badass man It's alright I really appreciate the shit out of that That's awesome It's alright Do you think those kids Listen to podcasts? Uh, no, they're technologically. They're kind of fucking out to lunch. So you were really going to start with the reading. You're not going to hear all these things you're saying about them. Well, I want to talk about this, man, because you're a really funny guy, you know, and you're a really smart guy. And I see a guy like you and I've seen guys make that that struggle to be a professional comic. You know, I've seen guys to make that struggle to get booked. You know, I've seen it with Ari. I saw with Ari for years. you know for years Ari was like way underrated and he would like ask I remember our places it was really frustrating for me I was like you guys are crazy he's going up I would bring Ari on the

86:00road with me he would go up dead cold in front of you know 300 fucking savages and within 20 minutes he was crushing I was like yeah I was like look you get get it get somebody else to get in front of those fucking monsters right you know I'm like this is a headliner he's a headliner you do 45 minutes but for whatever reason it wasn't until like twitter and the internet and the the podcast and then the the obvious online following it's like now people they they see it like now you're fucking headlining everywhere and you're like working all the time it's like i watch that frustration so i see a guy like you and i go i don't know what it is i mean if we can blow you up on the podcast maybe that's it but you gotta stop working you're a fucking comic yeah i mean If you love doing that shit and volunteering, that's beautiful, and I'm sure that'll help you as a human and make your comedy better.

86:50But you shouldn't be relying on that shit as an income. You should be making a comfortable living off your art form. You're one of the funniest comics I know. You're the best. I love you, and I love this is all amazing, and I'm very proud of what you do. He's going to get fired from the school anyway after this. Listen, it's over, son. They're going to test your hair. They're going to pull some mustache hairs out, bitch, and you're going to jail. Well, look, I think everything's connected. I think everything complements itself. And if everything can ultimately connect at some fucking point, and, you know, just ride it out and see what the fuck happens. I should probably be more proactive. Why don't you start your own podcast? Actually, me and Sean Palofsky have one, but just like me getting booked, it's like it's half-assed. You want to get together? All right, that type of shit.

87:41So maybe I need to kick me fucking arse and then maybe just stay off the smoke. No, it's not that, man. Please. You need one of those kids to hold a gun. Weed made me more ambitious. Weed made me more ambitious than ever. Seriously? Absolutely. Because it makes you more introspective. Oh, his idea is rushing. If it makes you more introspective, you consider all the possibilities, pro and con, if you don't get your shit together. Weed made me want to get ahead of the curve financially, so I don't have to think about money. It makes me want to water my lawn. Really? Well, it makes me do that, too. That's productive. That's a productive thing to do. I always say everybody's got their own different reaction, but for me, it cleans up my life. Little holes, little things that are bothering me, little things that I don't like about the way I behave, things I don't like about the way I use my day.

88:25If I get high, those are the things that bug me. I don't like that feeling, so I don't do those things anymore. I correct myself. I use the influence of the plan. DB's not going to disagree with you, man. You're fucking... I cannot disagree. No, that's why he's such a nice guy. How do you not like Doug Benson? He's always super positive and high as fuck every time you meet him. He's 100% guaranteed I've never seen Doug Moody Ever I've never seen Doug Benson Get past like a 5 On the pissed off scale If you get pissed off We're always just hanging out Having fun though We do fun things together Not a lot of people Raise their voice Even if Doug gets like Halfway mad at something He's like oh man Fuck him It's like it's never crazy But it's really easy To be mellow When you're on When you're just hanging out With somebody that's at their thing You know like When I'm at UFC or one of your stand-up shows,

89:13it's fun to just hang out there because it's your thing and I'm just hanging out. But if you saw me how I am, if it's my show, you know what I mean? If I'm the headliner and the opening act goes long or something stupid happens, I have a temper. I get frustrated with things. Opening acts going long can be upsetting. It's when people get unprofessional and we've all done it. I'm so guilty of it. Me talking about it at all is completely hypocritical. I've totally gone long many times. It's like you don't want to get off stage. The audience is so prime. It's so awesome. You have more bits. You're like, fuck it. And you'll say, I'll just do this one more bit. And before you know it, you're like 10 minutes late. I didn't know you weren't allowed until I started doing it now. And they were like, why did you do an hour and 10? I'm like, that wasn't that long. And they were like, no, 40. Do 40 and stop. Yeah. For headlining?

90:02Yeah, or whatever. Give me that club. I want to work that club. See, what it is, dude, is that you're used to doing my shows where we just sort of take over. Like, I know this is the second show. Oh, the rules are very different when you're on your own. But you still have weird curfews sometimes, like that last place in Houston. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a real curfew. Yeah. In those big theaters, you have to, you know, you have to, well, you have to be considerate of the union rules. I mean, people don't want to work all night, you know, and so if you make them work three or four hours after they're supposed to work, yeah, guess what? I'm with the union people. They should get compensated. You know, why do you want to have this show go dragging on forever? You know, if it makes sense financially, I'd even be willing to pay the extra. I don't think they should have to work extra hard.

90:44I mean, the contract is pretty simple. It's like a few hours. You get it for a few hours, and then get the fuck out of here. If not, you've got to keep paying us. That's reasonable to me. Yeah. And you're good at doing – you've got a good long game. You can do a good long set. That's just not my – I'm just not that – for me, it would start to get a little too potentially repetitive. Or I'd go to the crowd too much or something. and then it would just be I just feel I like to just leave them wanting more and you do even though you do longer sets I backed off a lot I used to do Q&A you do a tight show that's pretty long one time I knew one time I was in Phoenix and this is when I decided to stop and I was doing Q&A's all weekend and they would go like an hour and a half after the show and I was like wow this is like there's no way to end this right and I was like I would like end it

91:36with like some old bit or something like that just to get off stage with a laugh. It was like, I clearly dragged this out way too far. And it was like, for some people they loved it, but for, it was more than like 20 or 30% that are like, let's get fucking done with this. This is so self-indulgent. They've also got in their mind probably because of the publicity is probably out there that there's a good chance that they can, if they stick around, they can meet you after the show. And it's like, they're so excited about meeting you. They don't need to hear you talk for another hour. They would rather meet you. They'd rather get that experience, you know? Well, that happens no matter what. People have such short attention spans now. You know, you can give too much of a good thing. It's not entertaining at all anymore. It just becomes a chore. And I've been there.

92:16I've been there as an audience member, and I've been there as a performer. And I just learned. So I very rarely do more than an hour and 10, hour and 20 at the most. And I just fucking try to hit it as hard as I can. You used to be the worst when you're standing behind the curtain waiting to wrap up the show for an hour and 45 minutes. Because, like, I can't even go smoke. I have no idea. Yeah, I can end it at any moment, unfortunately. We have some fucking fun shows, though, man. You know, one of the people, I was talking to somebody recently, and they're like, oh, I really don't like the road. It's, like, so depressing. I'm like, wow. When we go on the road, we have a fucking party. Yeah, you're doing it wrong. You're doing it totally wrong. If it's depressing. When Ari and Joey and Doug, I mean, when we show up in Houston together, we're all smoking weed, eating steak, and high-fiving.

92:57We had margaritas in the morning before the UFC. You guys are on the floor. I'm getting paid to be there. Who's getting depressed? This is like the greatest experience ever. Here, let me walk you through the depression weekend. I like what you see. This is a miracle dream weekend. It happens every two weeks. Yeah, that's the big table service at that nightclub. You show up Thursday, and your feature is 47 years old and black. And he's got an issue with the fact that you're 39 and white. So he does 35 of clean, killer, hacky material. Then he's selling five DVDs and three shirts for $20, right? And then you have to hang out with him all fucking week. That's what The Road's really like. No, no, no, no. That's not true. That's for the average comic. For the average comic. Okay, for the average comic. But guess what? That's seasoning, son. You don't get to be a pool hustler just straight away.

93:40You got to make your time in the little bars and hustling people for a dollar. You can't just take on Shane Van Boning in a race to ten. That's all I hang out with is people from Twitter. Yeah, of course. Oh, yeah, they're always cool, but I'm always afraid they're going to slip something in my drink. Yeah, there's that fear. Ari Shafir would just open himself up like Jesus every town he goes to. Let's hang out smoke pot. You got me. Edible, that means eat it. Here we go. Can't you bring an opener that you like? I can now. I can now. You have to. But this is the first year that it's been mandatory. It's important to go through the ones where it's bad so that you'd appreciate the ones where it's good. It's very important. Yeah, and you'll always get a bad one anyway. Like the other night, I was at the improv, and there was this young lady that was emceeing. that just the rudimentary, fundamental MC skills

94:32were just out the window. So now Doug Benson's going to come to the stage. He's been in. Well, that's it. You don't need to say anymore. You've said my name. I'm going to come up now. Stuff like that. And standing there holding the microphone and hands it to each act when they come on. Instead of just put it back in the stand. And just leave. Let's go to neutral. I don't necessarily want to start with the microphone in my hand. I always feel bad for them, man. Yeah, yeah. Their awkwardness. When someone comes up to you, what should I say before I bring you on? What do you say? I give them something to say because you feel like the nice thing to say is just say whatever you want. But when you give them that license, then they say the weirdest shit. Really? So well, let them say it, man. But it's funny. You're right. It can be funny what they say.

95:18But it also puts them into white hot panic because they don't want to think of what they're going to say about you sometimes. you know they don't want to have that on them they want right what if they think you suck and they don't want to say it you know yeah yeah like what if it's like austin you're working at cap city and you're fucking you got your bag of tricks and rockets you're gonna shoot out of your asshole and then like austin comedians they don't want to say what tell me what to say bitch yeah you know come on i'm in a real fucking comedy town you suck tell me what to say stupid it's like those guys what's that story about judy gold she came up to someone and she was like i think it was like a you know some dick and he was like what do you want me to say and she was like i don't care i don't

95:55give a fucking shit just don't you know what here's the thing don't make any jokes about my height and he was like okay that's just put the idea yeah so then he says what can i say about this next lady except for fee-fi-fo-fum and then brought her on stage and you're like man you do not fucking i mean i had the worst person ever brought me on stage was frankie pace and uh it was total misunderstanding for whatever reason he thought that i was making fun of him because I had brought him up and I said he was old school. I said, Frankie Pace, I go, with some old school Long Island comedy because he was like this guy. When I came up, he had already been on television, and he was like a big guy in Long Island. He would do really well out there. When I said that old school Long Island comedian, I didn't mean he was a bad thing. All he heard was old, old, old, old. That's all he heard, man.

96:47That's all he heard. Someone get a ramp for the stage. And so I said it, you know, I heard he got upset, and I talked to him about it, and I explained to him. I said, no, listen, man. I go, it's a compliment. And so even after I said that to him, he went on stage, and, you know, the comedy store is always like, you bring on the next comic, you know? So it might be, you know, Dice Claim might bring you up. You know, you never know who's going to bring you up at the comedy store. And he brings me up, and as he's bringing me up, he's telling my closing bit. He's doing my closing bit. got this really kind of strange bit about tigers tigers having sex with each other and it's just really loud i want you to prepare you for that like it's like a really like the douchiest intro of all time and so i go on stage and i go listen man i go when i called you old school i said i i

97:37go it means you have skills and i go doesn't that mean that folks like in the rapper world and the And the audience cheered. I go, dude, I mean, no disrespect. And he goes, well, yeah, well, then you're new school. And I was like, oh, no. I reached out with love. And this is what you did. Now you've shown the green face of jealousy. And then you said, you're no school. And you walked away. No, no. Wait, you brought him up? I don't get here. He brought you up. He brought me up. He brought you up. I had brought him up at another instance. And I said he was an old school comedy veteran from Long Island. Oh, it's stuck in his fucking craw. You know, if I said Burt Kreischer with some old school stand-up from fucking Tallahassee, wherever. We're part of Florida. Tampa. Tampa, Florida, bitches. I wouldn't want to see that if you didn't. We would high five.

98:23We would high five as I brought him on stage, and that would be the end of it. I was just trying to hype him up. I mean, when I said he's an old school comedy veteran from Long Island, I didn't mean he sucked, man. But for whatever reason, mostly because, you know, I'm on this television show. I was on a sitcom at the time. Oh, yeah. He was still trying to make it, and he was flying back and forth. It was a total misunderstanding. That always bugged the shit up. I'm like, why are you mad at me, man? I always liked you. It was fun. People can get upset, man. This is a fucking tricky business, and a lot of people feel like it's not fair. And when they feel like it's not fair, for whatever reason, they focus their energy on you. And really, this is a life lesson. if you see someone and their success is making you angry look inward look at yourself because

99:13that is your fucking problem 100 of the time if that person upsets you you may use them as fuel you may use them as motivation you can use them to say i don't ever want to be that guy this is a lesson that the universe has given me but you can choose to not be upset at them you can choose how you move forward. It's up to you. It's 100% up to you. It's hard as fuck, bitch! We just gotta discipline! You gotta be able to stand in a horse stance and let them beat you with sticks. Yeah, but that's you, man. If you don't think it's hard, you're just super chill. You gotta dig in. You gotta occasionally do squats. Weed helps me to not be angry at other people's successes. You need to have good posture and go deep. What's he smoking? I don't know. I think you put on the NASA suit and you're in space. Things like that are going to happen. Plus, I'm pretty sure the podcast is off the air by now. We're on Ustream.

100:14The shit cuts out at least 20 times a show. I thought that was the bonus round for only the folks that are going to get this on iTunes. See, look at it. It's frozen. Look behind you, Brian. No, that's just the Mac Mini from four years ago. Oh. We need new equipment. Dude, we're YMCA. What is this? This is a fucking disc for you. It's rock and roll. I saw that. What this is is a fucking CIA worm. Now I know why this funny guy has not made it. Because he's with them. He's undercover, man. He's with the other side. Listen, a while back I saw a tweet or whatever. You were jamming it. It's Queens of the Stone Age. And I'm like, okay. Love them. Okay, there's some Queens on there. And then I heard you say. It's a mixtape. Sir, we're not distributing illegal MP3s in the age of SOPA. You can't do that. You can't burn music. It's against the law, man. I bought those fucking CDs. I believe you did, sir, and I thank you kindly.

101:10Maybe half of them. This is what I would prefer from you. Since I'm not poor, I would like just a list of all the shit you think is cool, and I'll fucking pay for it. I'll pay for that shit. Oh, look at that. I will, man. I have no business taking anybody's free shit. Bert Kreiser's taking it. If anybody's selling any of the things on that CD, I would have no, there's no way in my good conscience I could not buy it. It started with the double cassette player in the 80s. That's where this copyright shit came. Well, the cassette player period, when people were freaking out, when cassette players came along, they could actually tape the radio. How dare you? I remember taping the radio. Dude, one of my favorite Terrence McKenna interviews, one of my favorite Terrence McKenna interviews, Terrence McKenna was being interviewed by Art Bell, and someone taped it off the radio,

101:53and Terrence McKenna's fucking signals cutting out. It's all, and the actual radio signal goes out almost at one point where you could barely hear them. It's crackling, but it's still, it's still there and it's awesome because it's got this weird feeling of suspense. It's almost like you're there while you're really there while this whole thing is being like taped and recorded. Powerful Burkrasher. We're just a collective We have no response to that High by contact Bird Crusher That's a good record Do you want to Take a little breaky poo And start It's 940 We have 20 minutes Before the show starts Why would we take a breaky poo now And we have The most hilarious And talented people On the fucking planet earth Where'd that Jew go Where'd that crazy Jew go Where's the Jew No I'm just saying Take a little breaky poo Where's your fear I don't know Do you want to take a break Are you tired I gotta get them into the show

102:46I know I mean Cause I have a lot of shit I have to set up And all this What are you doing You got a puppet show No, we have another comedy. We're doing a live comedy show in the next room. What are you worried about? It's 20 minutes from now. We'll do 10 more minutes. How about that? Your cult leader has spoken, Brian. I want to give people some of the fucking Armos drinks. And plus, I want to get illegal with this shit. I want to start playing songs. I'm going to be like, let's have a party. Let's make it legit. You know what? Brian just made a really excellent point. And I'm going to rescind my prior ruling. Because if I were president, that's what I would do. This is what we're going to do. You're like GoDaddy style I'm going back just like GoDaddy We're going to end this podcast I want to thank you everybody for joining in Thank you to Doug Benson Please subscribe to his podcast

103:32It's on iTunes and it's called Doug Loves Movies Jason Glern Do you have anything these motherfuckers can connect to you on? Anything because they will They're going to reach out right now The Twitter What is it? What the fuck is your name on Twitter? Jason Glern Spell it! What the fuck is a Glern? G-I-L-L-E-A-R-N. Say it one more time. Bingo. G-I-A-S. Isn't there a connection? It's not like J-A-Y-A-S. He is not, and he's busy. You can't use my guy. Get your own guy, fuckface, okay? With all the technology, they can't find my fucking Twitter name? Spell your Twitter, son. If they're not fucking retarded, I don't want them to follow me. Just go to DeskWad.tv, you'll be able to find it. What if another guy comes in Galern and he spells it? Underscore Jason Galern. Alphabetically. You know what? But either way, it doesn't fucking matter, man. Listen, folks, we're going away, but we're not going away.

104:21Hey, I have shows at Tampa Improv New Year's Eve. Go see them. Powerful Bert Kreischer has spoken. Hey, is it true that the SATs are for faggots? Oh, shit. By the way, if you see Bert Kreischer, if you see Bert Kreischer out there on the street, the proper way to address him is powerful Bert Kreischer. That is how you're supposed to say it. So if you see Bert Kreischer, I don't care if you're at the airport, if you're at the fucking DMV, if you're in the line at Walmart, it is powerful, Bert Kreischer. What if I'm smoking in front of his kid's school? Don't do that. Keep it to yourself, junkie. You're fucking up the cause, Derek Benson. Ruining it for the good folks. We'll be right back with the Ice House Chronicles, which is only available on the Death Squad. We're going to stop this Ustream show and come back under the same banner at the same website, but it's... I know it's confusing. Stick with us.

105:11Listen, motherfucker, the podcast is still going. Don't go talking in your own separate groups. Jesus Christ. I know you're a first timer. I know. I'm about to thank the flashlight. These motherfuckers want to start talking about their kids. What the fuck? How are your girls? Thank you. Shut the fuck up. I'm talking. I've turned down all the mics. This is a goddamn commercial. This is fake anger. All of it's fake. We actually like each other. Sometimes comedians will pretend to be upset just to try to make light out of everything. And you know, this is Jason's first time here. I don't want to really make him uncomfortable. So I want him to know. It's okay, buddy. Hey, your mic's not on. That's right. you fuckhead. You can't talk. You can't talk while I'm talking. You're censored like sopa, bitch. Oh my goodness. Censored like sopa. Listen, we love you and we thank you all for tuning in as always.

105:56This is our second anniversary show and we are happy as fuck that you guys are enjoying this. We love to do it. Thank you to all our friends that are in this sort of a network of freaks. Our friend Doug Benson from Doug Loves Movies and Bert Kreischer from Bert the Conqueror on the Travel Channel. Bench, there's Jason Galern. Follow him on Twitter. Figure it out. He doesn't want to spell his name because he only wants people that can figure that out. And that's a smart move. Thank you to The Fleshlight. If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off. Holler at your boy. And then also we are sponsored by Onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T. Makers of AlphaBrain, a cognitive enhancer. Shroom Tech Sport, an energy pill based on the Cordyceps mushroom. This is an excellent supplement if you're into working out really hard.

106:43and Shroom Tech Immune, which is an immunity supplement based on a completely different mushroom. All information available at onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T. Enter in the code name ROGAN and you will get 10% off. What? Thank you all. We love you. Thank you for tuning in for two years. 200 episodes, buddy. Funnest thing we've ever done. And 2012 is not even... December 21st, 2012 is not even a year away. Oh, shit. What if the Mayans were right?