Bryan Callen (Part 1)

00:00We're ready to get shit cracking. We're going to break it down. It's all going to make sense today. Brian Cowen's here. My brother. My brother. Happy to be here. Always good to see you, my friend. Excited. Thank you to whoever gave me this this weekend at the Ice House. Some dude gave me Hunter S. Thompson's The Rum Diary, a nice paperback. I just wanted to thank that guy. Did his share of drugs. Yeah, you think? His share of psychedelics. Have you done your share yet? No. Not yet. Just mushrooms. I took a four-hour shower on mushrooms once. Nice. Then I was hiking in Big Whiskey Mountain on mushrooms with my buddy. We decided to take a back route, which you never do. I was climbing up a landslide. That's smart. I was like to my buddy. I go, dude. He goes, what? I go, you got to move with the mountain. You're not moving with the mountain. He's like, okay. He's a real mountain man. He's climbing.

00:53I go, still not moving with the mountain. Okay. I'm going to stay here and talk to this rock. I had to have a conversation with the rock. Then, as he tells it, we're on top of Whiskey Mountain, which is a very big mountain. Luckily, it was in the summer. That's when I was dating Patty back in the day. They were waiting downstairs. He turns back around, and I'm not wearing any clothes. I mean no clothes. I'm on top of a mountain that takes a really long time to climb up. I'm naked. What did you do with the clothes? We never found my clothes. Oh, no. But I did stop and eat a lot of blueberries. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And by the time we – I also took a shit squatting. And then as I was doing that naked, my buddy moved some branches, pretending it was a bear, and jumped up and started to run. And that caused a problem. And then I came back down the mountain, all scratched up. No clothes.

01:43And I kept stopping to eat blueberries. My buddy was like, stop eating blueberries. I had a blue mouth, a shit ass. You walked barefoot down a mountain. That's right. My feet were all cut up. My skin was all cut up. How long did it take? I don't know. A day. Like a full day of walking? Literally, literally probably four hours or something like that. Five hours. Did you sober up at any point during the walk? Yeah. When I finally got down, I had a blue mouth from eating blueberries. And I was all cut up. And Patty was like, what are you doing? I was like, I need to dip my ass in a lake. I have shit ass. Because I didn't have – I couldn't wipe it. So yet another one of my shit stories. Thank you. So she was like, wow, that's attractive. You're my man. And I'll take the skinny guy with the blue mouth and the shit in his ass who's coming down off mushrooms. So that was my experience with mushrooms.

02:29How much did you take? Dude, he – my buddy gave me just a handful. Just a big handful. He goes, eat them. I was like, okay, I want to have an experience. You got to eat them in an empty stomach. I hadn't eaten, of course. That's really good. And we're climbing, man. And I just started literally just hallucinating. You're better off that you didn't eat anything. If you had eaten something, you'd probably throw it off. Probably. Really bad. I took a shower one time. I wouldn't get out of the shower. Patty was banging on the door. And I was like, I'll be there. I'm trying to figure something out. And then, no, it's hard to explain. But I believe – I kept seeing my profile. And the first thing I was like is I kept saying, oh, fuck, I wish I was barrel chested. I'm not barrel chested. My grandfather's barrel chested. I'm not barrel chested. I have a sunken chest. This is horse shit.

03:13And I was like, that's a terrible profile. So then I resolved. I resolved while I was in the shower to just spend the entire summer on a bench press. I was going to hire a coach just to bench, which never happened. And then I came out of the shower. And then I had this experience of somebody standing like watching me and judging me. And I felt like it was the devil telling me that I was a phony. So I was like, I'm a phony. I'm a skinny phony. Why did you think it was the devil? I don't fucking know. I just felt – I saw this – just felt like that's what it was. Because it was so mean? It was just the truth and so mean. I was so raw. I came out like – It was probably really God. Maybe it was. Maybe it was. It just felt like the devil because he didn't want to admit the truth. Exactly. That's what the bad trips are. That is, bro. I can always tell with people. You can just see.

03:59It's so interesting to watch how people – like I was thinking about this the other day, how people basically as adults – like I would call it – adulthood and what they call maturity is the slow acceptance of what you will never be. That's kind of what it is. Yeah. So what happens is you start – so interesting. I was – you see little girls dressed like princesses, right? And that's their ideal. They grow up with these ideals. We stick these ideals in children. Like you're going to marry a prince and he's going to be Prince Charming. And that shit gets whittled away. You start settling for simulation and simulation. It's basically your life becomes I'll take what I can get. Yeah. And until finally you're dating some guy with hair in his ears and a pot belly, well, at least he pays the fucking bills, which is what I like to get them, by the way. I like to get them when they're just going through a divorce,

04:43had their heart broken two, three hundred times, they're 40, they work out way too much. That anger and frustration is combined into this fucking – what creates like a freaky that I can really work with in a hotel room. The 39-year-old crazy ones starving for attention. Is that what you like? Really? Yes. Yes. Look at my ass. I work out all the time. That's fantastic. I like them old. Not even old. Old. That's young for me. So you're coming down the hill. You're totally naked. You're high as a kite on mushrooms. Do you at any point realize – like are you starting to sober up at any point in time? Like what's happening as you're sobering up? What was happening as I was sobering up and because I'm such a freak is I had read a lot about how when you can be on a mountain in the summer, a winter storm can brew up, right? They can whip up. You can get caught in hail storms. You can freeze to death actually sometimes.

05:39Wow. And so I was like – I was like I got to get the – and I'd read about K2. And I don't know if you ever read about climbing K2. It's one thing to climb Mount Everest. It's quite another thing to climb K2. Really? I believe there's only one side of K2 one can climb. And for a while I believe – and you can check this on Fact Check – one in four people wouldn't make it on K2. People died all the time because storms – One in four people wouldn't make it like wouldn't survive? Can you do Fact Check because I believe that was the case for quite a while. Jesus Christ. And so what happened was – it was the holy grail of mountains still is because what happens is storms whip up really fucking fast. Like really fast. And you die. Yeah. Fuck. So what happened was I started thinking a storm might whip up and I suck in the cold. Whoa. What does it say on Fact Check?

06:32It's just talking about there was – there's been a bunch of disasters up there. Oh, a lot of people have died on K2. Yeah. You don't climb K2. Very few people climb. When you meet a mountain climber and they say, I got to the top of K2, that dude is on the all-star team. Wow. That's a very rare dude. And you have to go through Pakistan, I think on the Pakistan side. Yeah. No bodies. And you pass bodies all the time. You know what's hilarious? The United States just got word from Afghanistan that if we go to war with Pakistan, Afghanistan is on Pakistan's side. Yeah. What a surprise. But how hilarious is that? Out of all the fucking – all the bullshit propaganda pretending that we're helping those people, we're – come on, we're on your side. We're bribing. Listen, we're extracting minerals, blah, blah, blah, taking heroin, but we're here for you.

07:19We're bribing fucking entire tribes to have loyalty to like Kabul. Well, do you know how they're getting information on these guys? You know the number one method for these warlords? No. Viagra. Oh, that's right. I read about that. That's right. Hey, hey, hey. I know you have all these loyalties. You want a hard-on for a long time? Yeah. Of course I do. Yeah, well, these guys, these warlords, they start hitting 50 and 60 and you're fucking herding goats all day. You're tired, man. You can't take to those 20 wives that you've accumulated. You got cocky when you were young. That's exactly right. And when you're young, you're young. My blood is hot. You could have 10 fucking wives. But then when you're a 60-year-old man, you've got to fuck 10 of these bitches. The limit is actually – They start talking shit, too. The limit is actually four in Islam. Really? And you have to treat all of them exactly the same.

08:03So if they had four, though, and one of them was getting all the dick, and the other ones start complaining. It's the craziest thing because I've never met two women – two women, forget like four women. That could get along like that. Forget what? Hey, girls, here's the good news. I'm marrying you. Bad news, we're all going to share the same roof. Fucking luck. How are they doing it in the Mormon communities, all these crazy Mormon cults? They don't. They don't. It's always been very small subsets. And if you look at who those cult leaders are, they're basically closet – Warren Jeffries type guys. Yeah, closet perverts, sociopaths, pedophiles, scumbags. That guy Warren Jeffries was a pedophile. You're totally right. And that is sort of part of the case, right? They always find out that these guys are marrying these girls at like 14 and shit. Oh, my God, man. Yeah. They keep finding that out. Younger, younger.

08:45Really? Yeah. Ugh. Ugh. Nice guys. Yeah, it's just weird, man. A weird offshoot. You know, it's just so strange that some people vibrate on a frequency that low. They're bullshit detectors that weak that they get sucked into that kind of a community. I think it's perspective and context. I mean, when you get somebody who's young and they've never been told anything different. You know, we're just – you look at children. We're people. You are what you get, what's put inside you. Yeah. You need – that's why I always tell young people, fucking read, but read the right things. And what you don't know is going to hurt you. You've got to read. You've just got to. You've got to – Yeah. You know. Did you – have you seen a zeitgeist moving forward? No. I haven't either. I haven't watched the whole thing, but I watched a chunk of it. People are just constantly trying to get me to see this thing.

09:28It's one of those things where people email me once a day. Dude, have you seen zeitgeist moving forward? I'm like, all right. I saw the first zeitgeist, and although I thought it was very moving, I also thought there was like – like there's some stuff on 9-11 that I was like, this is – you're just – you know, there was stuff about the Twin Towers. Like they couldn't have possibly fallen like that. And I'm like, listen, man, this is not real science. This is – you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. This is – to say this, to state that for sure that happened, I think is crazy. You know, here's the only way to find out. Build the same fucking thing. Have another fucking plane fly into it. Let's see if it falls down again. If it does, ooh, you just fucked up. If you actually want a really good debunking of that,

10:10Popular Mechanics got together a whole bunch of mechanical engineer science called Debunking the 9-1-1 Myths. And they talk about, for example, how jet fuel burns at a certain temperature. And I believe it's 1,600 degrees. Iron melts at 900 degrees, especially that kind of iron. So it made sense that the iron would start to melt and the building would crumble. But they had a whole bunch of different – they actually took each. And it's a really interesting book. Well, it gets annoying when you read the arguments against it because some of the information that people pull out is just flat out wrong. Like they're talking about how there's cuts to the beams. And you want to say, look, folks, they cut the beams when they needed to break everything down because they were clearing out the area. There's a lot of photographs of that, man. Exactly.

10:51You know, there's no evidence that they cut the beams to bring the fucking building down. It seems to me a lot easier to believe that a group of young men who are fanatics said, you know what, let's fly planes into a building. That seems more than some huge and massive government conspiracy. Think how many people would have to keep their mouth shut to get something like that going. Not just that, but that that's the only way a building like that can fall. Right. I really don't think that they have a lot of data on what the fuck happens to skyscrapers and they get hit by giant jet planes. I was going to say, I didn't know you got your degree in mechanical engineering, my friend. That's exactly – every time I hear somebody – people are full of medical advice as well. I love this.

11:33If you read a lot of stuff, for example, what people will tell you – there's a good TED lecture by this epidemiologist who's a scientist and actually does science, does the science on, for example, when they said that a glass of red wine a day can help you prevent breast cancer. The problem with that statement that you read in the New York Times and everywhere else is that the actual experiment was they had cancer cells in a Petri dish. They dropped red grape extract onto the cancer cells. Those cancer cells died. That doesn't mean – yeah, you don't infer for that. Well, it's resveratrol is what it is. It's the antioxidant. Yeah, well, resveratrol. I take it every day for resveratrol. But you don't – that doesn't mean you infer then that a glass of wine is going to – you know, it's going to prevent – Is that really how they came to that conclusion?

12:18And there are different kinds of breast cancer, by the way. And cancer itself is an umbrella term for essentially the irregular division of cells, all different kinds of cancer. We don't know why some kick on. Some happen when you're a child. Others when you're an adult. There are different theories about it. Some are environmental. Some are genetic. So, you know – and by the way, when people say you've got to build your immune system and if you drink this, it will prevent cancer. In fact, I was reading that some cancers don't actually grow as a result of a stronger immune system because they are aligned with your immune system. When your immune system is strong for whatever reason and cells start dividing in a healthy way, the unhealthy cells do as well. Whoa. So they're depending on the cancer. Which is why they use chemotherapy. Exactly.

13:05It poisons your whole body and kills off the cancer cells right before it kills off you. That's right. That's right. And now remember, some cancers – Which is counterintuitive to the holistic approach of like super healthy greens and stuff like that. And you need – you want to be healthy. I take all that stuff. I do that. But yeah, I mean, don't forget what Western science has given us. Look, up until the 1970s, the late 70s, I believe, testicular cancer killed many young men. When you had testicular cancer, you were done. Okay? But because they came up with a chemotherapy that uses platinum – Was it called the scissors? Yeah, right? That's probably – that's what they used to do. But you had things called – there's a platinum compound in the chemotherapy. It is – it has made testicular cancer highly curable. Wow. Almost always when you get testicular cancer, young men live now. They take chemo.

13:57They're sick for a little bit. And then it just goes away and it's curative. So you've got to be careful. You're right. People have a lot of information. And if you actually start scratching the surface and asking them questions, it's like, dude, you don't – where are you getting your information? Do you know the genealogy of your idea? Did you study? Do you know where this is coming from? Or just too quick to just grab a hold of a yes or a no or this side or that side. You've got to look at the whole thing. Yeah. You know, the only thing that puzzles me about September 11th is that Tower 7 building. And there's a lot of debate on that. That's the one that the architects and engineers from 9-11 Truth have a problem with. They don't know why that building collapsed like that. And it looks like a controlled demolition. It's really weird because – That's interesting. I've seen a bunch of them.

14:38It's very interesting because I've never seen a building fall into its base like that, like give out in uniform and come down a straight line. But it doesn't mean that it can't happen. Right. You've got to be real careful about that. Yeah, I agree. It looks like a controlled demolition. And, you know, you hear that this Larry Silverstein guy had all this money invested in it. And when the – you know, if the buildings went down, he made billions of dollars. And you hear all this craziness online. But the real reality is, again, we don't know how a building like that performs until something like that happens. You've got to light it on fire. You've got to make big holes in it. Yeah. And the other thing is nobody ever realizes that these are people, right?

15:14So if you look at like – if you read like Bob Woodward's The War Room or you look at how like governments, the CIA, this defense intelligence, the National Security Agency, the White House, if there's a crisis, it's really interesting to see. And if you look at these memoirs now that are coming out about the Bush era, it's really interesting to see how they do arrive at conclusions and decisions to take action. It's fucking heated in those rooms. And like human beings, everybody's got a different point of view. Everybody has their own group of people they control. And it comes down ultimately – everybody presents their case to the president, biting their lip, having testy arguments, not talking to each other, threatening to resign like Connelly's Rice did with Donald Rumsfeld because she just didn't get along with him. She thought he was condescending, et cetera.

16:02And the president finally has to be like, guys, guys, can you – hey, let's not – stop fighting. I'm the one who makes the decision ultimately. Present your ideas. That to me is way scarier. The idea that we actually let a guy like Bush really be president to me is way scarier than the idea that there's some massive conspiracy amongst globalists to control all the world's resources. That's what I mean. The fact that a guy really could be president. Yeah. But they really don't have it locked down. Totally tight. It's true. No, it's not. Come on. Bush didn't have a lot of wisdom. Listen, he didn't have to. He was there. He's a puppet. They obviously had Dick Cheney, and Dick Cheney was the guy who was the fucking CEO of Halliburton, a company that made untold billions of dollars reconstructing countries after we blow them the fuck up.

16:45It's not a coincidence that this guy would be really fascinated with going to war. I mean, he owned stock. The president, President Bush, was a fucking character on a sitcom for us. Listen, Condoleezer – He was a guy that spoke for us. Condoleezer Rice had a huge falling out with Dick Cheney and a huge argument about the fact that the guy believed in essentially extraordinary – I think it's called extraordinary rendition, where we would kidnap people, kidnap people, and take them to undisclosed locations, usually a country that didn't object to torture, and put them in these detention cells, these CIA prisons. And she was like, you can't just disappear people. You can't do that. You can't take somebody off the streets of Italy and bring them to Turkey. There's certain people that have an unquestionable character.

17:31There's certain people you hear them talk and you say, that's a man of character, that's a man of intelligence, that's a man of experience. Colin Powell is one of those people. Yes, he was. I hear that guy talk and I go, that guy's legit. That's the real deal. He was also against the Iraq War. Yes, he was. And he was the only guy who did any time in uniform. Yes, and he was also disenchanted with the entire administration and it didn't really work out for him. And everybody was real excited when he joined the Bush administration. But there's a guy that really is a real American hero. He's the real fucking deal. That's right. And he's with all these jackasses and war criminals and fucking thieves. And he has to sit there and watch them pillage, just pillage the world. Those motherfuckers. Well, I think that it's worth being serious about. It is. It is, but it isn't because it's not helping anything.

18:26No, but no. It's like I have a joke about Occupy Wall Street and I totally support the movement. But the joke is that those hippies are just going to start living there now. What's going to happen is you're going to go there. Everyone's just going to be shit all over the street. You're going to have to just drive through that on the way to work. Hey, man, what you're doing is wrong, man. Nothing ever changes ever. Well, that's the thing. I was talking to Neil Brennan. He was kind of giving me a hard time for not – I disagree with him on a lot of things. But I respect Neil because he works very hard at earning an opinion, developing an opinion. Yeah, he does. Very smart. I think we're on different sides of the equation. But Neil was saying you should be down there protesting. And my problem with the protest movement, the Occupy Wall Street movement,

19:05is that I don't know that that's the only group to blame. There are a lot of groups to blame. The government, Wall Street, regular consumers who are buying houses, knowing they couldn't afford them. Nobody ever talks about that. And so when you occupy Wall Street, what you're really talking about, Wall Street, of course, is just a euphemism or just kind of a name for a very amorphous group of people because what you're talking about when you talk about Wall Street is the investment community. That's what you're talking about. Now, do you want to protest the investment community? If so, let me ask some questions. What aspect of the investment community? Because I would remind everybody they pay a lot in taxes. They also produce a lot of wealth. You wouldn't have startup companies without venture capital, for example. You want to start taxing the capital gains tax?

19:54See what happens to your venture capital. See what happens to capital that is invested in businesses. So I don't know the answers. These are complicated issues. And you start following that thread and start saying, well, let's occupy Wall Street. Okay. Okay. There are some unscrupulous assholes on Wall Street. There's no doubt. There's no doubt. But what are we going to do about it? I believe, personally, that you had an incentive structure in place, an incentive structure, and a system with holes in it where smart people got together and said, hey, you know what? I got to tell you, there are some very big legal loopholes here, and we can make a lot of money. You know why? Because three other houses down the way are making a shitload of money. So what are we doing, guys? Because we're not going to be able to compete. Here's another thing. We may be out of a fucking job if we don't do this.

20:42So when you're in that and you start to realize it, it's really an interesting development where you go, gee, what would I do in that situation as well? It was so fucking murky. And it seems to me what you want to fix is the incentive structure. You want to go back to nuts and bolts. Nuts and bolts. What are you producing? What is the bottom line? How do you produce wealth? What has produced wealth in the past? Too many people are making money off just making money and moving money around. Passing risk along. Yeah. Passing risk along. Even much bigger than the actual size of the actual economy is the size of the derivatives, right? Yes. And there's a very good book that I'm about to read, and I had two very big bankers who were in this and had lived through it and saw every bit, every detail. And they said the book to read is The Big Short by Michael Lewis. He wrote Liar's Poker.

21:34I would like to read that. It's called The Big Short. Let me write that down because I need to really – For anybody, it will explain the genesis. And this guy is not – The Big Short. He doesn't have a grind to axe here. He is a journalist who is an outstanding first-class writer. I read Liar's Poker. He's a great writer. I believe it's Michael Lewis is his name. I might be wrong with the first name. But the point is that he wrote The Big Short, and that is renowned, that is widely respected as the book and sort of the Bible on how this shit happened and what happened and essentially who's to blame. But you start going into that blame game, it's really interesting. It's really fucking interesting because there are a lot of people, and they're not just Republicans. They're not just libertarians.

22:14A lot of people can make a very strong case for things like the Equal Housing Lending Act, the kinds of laws that came out of government because it was very popular. They're not just about the Republican and Democratic side to say, hey, I'm going to pass legislation that makes it easy for everyone to own a house. That's the American way. That's the American dream. They did a study that – listen to this. It's really interesting. The first – the Federal Reserve Bank of Boston did a study. They found that even if you're qualified for a loan, if you're a minority, if you're black or a Latino, and even if you're just as qualified as a white person, you're four times as likely to be turned down, turned down for that loan. Okay? So if you're black or you're Latino, back in – I think this was in 1996 or whatever. I don't remember the date.

23:00If you're black or Latino, you have the same credit as a white person, you're still four times as likely to be turned down for a loan. Countrywide mortgage. Sounds because of all in the family. Maybe. Meathead and everybody convinced. But countrywide mortgage said, fuck this. Let's open a bunch of small offices with minority people working in there. Let's start giving loans to these people. If they have the same credit rating, let's do that. It's really interesting when you start really listening to the shit. You're like, wow, man, this got fucking crazy. On top of the fact that Europe, the rich countries were buying our mortgage-backed securities. They were buying the housing debt. And so we could pass it on. It's just so weird that people thought that it was normal that you would buy a house and then it would be worth twice as much in two years. Because that's what happened.

23:44That's what happened in my house. Dude, everybody was telling me this. Dude, I bought it for $500. I sold it for a mil. And I'm like, what? You just made a half a million dollars just like that? How the fuck did you do that? How does that happen? How's that real? My father, who was a banker, said, my father looked at me and he goes, not going to last. Because I was going to buy a piece of property, get into real estate. He goes, you know anything about real estate? I go, no. He goes, you know how to make people laugh, right? I go, yeah. He goes, stick to making people laugh. Because you get into real estate, you lose all your money. All of it. It's true. Well, not only that. He was right. Just don't be cocky and think you can jump into a game like that and not give it 100% of your attention. Exactly. Like, you know, people saying they're going to moonlight in MMA.

24:19I'm going to have a couple of fights on the side. Good luck with the rest of your life thinking out of that shitty brain of yours. Oh, my God. Because someone's going to wrap a fucking shin around your skull. And you're not going to remember things too good after that. Dude, that's the hardest. I'm sorry, but that is the hardest way to earn a living. Yeah, it's right up there. I watch these guys fight. And I was watching baseball the other day. I'm watching the World Series. And, you know, baseball, they're athletes. They can hit a ball. You know, you've got to swing the bat perfectly. You've got to throw. You've got to field a ball. And, you know, there's a lot of skill involved in baseball. But when it comes to fighting and you're out there with gloves that are just tiny and somebody else is trying to knock your fucking head off and you've got to know how to kick, punch, and wrestle.

24:56So much more difficult. So much more is on the line physically. Your physical health. You're playing a game for your health. How about your courage? Yeah. You know? Everything. Your mind. You've got to stay loose but aggressive. And you're going to be exposed in front of all these people. People are going to see you break. Or not. You probably are not allowed to even say this because you called the fights. But if you had to put, I don't know if it's a fair question, I was going to ask you about the Son and Anderson Silva fight. Are they going to fight first of all? Do we know? Who knows? I don't know. Dana likes the fight. It's a promotable fight for sure. It's a very exciting fight. Is Anderson kind of hesitant to fight him? I don't believe so. I believe his manager has said some things. But a lot of that is just, it's a game.

25:38You've got to realize that promotion and managing fighters and stuff, there's a lot of publicity involved. And there's a lot of, just keeping it in the press is a good thing. Saying that Chael doesn't deserve it is a good thing. Building up any sort of animosity is a good thing. And then Chael's people say, yes, he does deserve it. Anderson's worried he's going to kick his ass. Then you've got a thread going, man. So you can't be a rube. You've got to look at these things and go, listen, Ed Soares is a smart dude. And Anderson Silva is a goddamn genius. And Chael Sonnen is the greatest marketing mind that combat sports has ever known by a long shot. He's such a man. He's such a man. No one's funnier than him. No one's wittier than him. He's a beast. I watch him and I get depressed that I'm not him. How about what he said to Brian Stan?

26:16He said he is an American hero and he's going to get a good old fashioned red, white and blue ass kicking. Ass whooping. It was so great. Oh my God. I saw him talking about the Noguera brothers. He's on another level. He was talking about the Noguera brothers. He's like, they thought this bus pulled up. They thought it was a donkey. It was me interviewing him, man. He's saying they're trying to give him a carrot. I brought it up to him. He goes, that happened. He goes, one of them pulled his pelt off. He's going to take it home. Come on, little fella. And you know what, dude? On top of that, that motherfucker could fight his ass off. If he was just a shit talker, I would still love him. So would I. See if he lost every fight. Like Sean McCorkle has lost a couple times in the UFC. Or at least once in the UFC. Sorry, Sean, if I said one. But he's a great shit talker. He's a hilarious shit talker.

27:00I'd like to see the guy back just to hear him talk some more shit. But JL Sonnen talks shit better than anybody. He's funnier than I am. I'm a comedian. I'm like, this guy's got a good, you know. He's figured out how to finish, guys. Instead of just staying on top of guys and punching them in the face, you can win a fight like that. But you know what else you can do? You can lose a fight like that because the guy survives and catches you in a submission. Right. When you're on top of a guy, if you're a wrestler, the kind of caliber of JL Sonnen, you're not going to get up, man. The only way you're going to get up is he's going to make a subtle mistake. He'll probably be late in the fight. You know, maybe he's trying to finish you off and he gets cocky. And you get an underhook and you get back up to your feet. But for the most part, a guy like that can keep you down.

27:37And if he's got good submissions, fuck, why wouldn't he have good submissions? Look at the elite level grappling he has. It's ridiculous. All you have to do is just teach him a few different positions and he'll be elite in those positions as well. And his triangle that he hit Brian Stan with was a crusher, dude. Because Brian Stan was defending the right way. The way to defend is called like answering the phone. You put your hand over your ear and it relieves some of the pressure. But JL's squeeze is so fucking tight that it didn't matter. He did everything perfect. He's just positioning. He's just gorilla strong. Gorilla strong. Gorilla strong and mentally tough as fuck. Yeah, he really is. He's tough as fuck, dude. He really is. And has cracked in the past and is tougher because of it. How about that? Has quit in the past. Has done things in the past that he's not happy with.

28:22And those things motivate him in a fight. And much like George St. Pierre, I think losing and cracking under pressure makes him more dangerous. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really do. When a guy's been humiliated a couple of times and then he comes back and is a fucking badass, there's a different level of intensity that those guys have. A guy's been humiliated like a George St. Pierre. There's an intensity that he brings to the table where this is not going to fucking happen again. That's also on the menu. On the menu is I'm going to kick your ass. On the menu is I'm going to force you to fight my fight. But also on the menu is that Matt Serra fight is not going to fucking happen again. Right, right. I'm not getting caught. You know what I mean? And Shale's been caught by Anderson in a triangle. Paul Ophelio caught him in an armbar. Damien Maher. But he's a better fighter than back then.

29:05I don't know what's going on. I don't know if it's consistency, intensity. I don't know. I think a lot of his strength resides in his hair. In his thick, samson-like hair. It's delicious hair. Dude. He's a fucking most marketable guy ever. He's a man. He should have his own right-wing talk radio show. When you're a man, you're watching the guy. You're like, he's definitely the silverback and I'm a baboon. I'll throw fruit from the trees. And he's entertaining as hell, man. He's hilarious. He's great. I'm a big fan of that guy. And that's going to be a big fight, the rematch. But Anderson right now is recovering from a shoulder injury. Oh, he did? Yeah. And that's tricky, man. I mean, they can take a long time. Like Cain Velasquez, depending on the severity of Anderson's injury, Cain Velasquez has been out for a long time. I mean, he had to get surgery. I didn't know that. And it's a good, solid nine months.

29:48I didn't know that. It's a very complicated joint. His shoulder. I mean, look at all the different moves that the shoulder can do. And think about how loose the tissue has to be inside of there. And if something goes wrong, if there's tears and soft tissue damage or worse, ligament rips and things that need you to go back in there and stitch everything up and put it together and possibly even have more than one surgery. Yeah. I mean, there's people that have shoulder injuries and it's nine, ten months. Wow. Yeah. It's a long time. So Cain still hasn't come back yet. His Junior Dos Santos fight is his first fight back on Fox because he's been out for, Jesus, it's got to be like a year. He beat Brock Lesnar over a year ago, I believe. I'm not exactly sure when the fight took place. How much does he weigh, Cain? 240. He, in my opinion, is just, he's the perfect size heavyweight where he's not a giant guy.

30:41So he doesn't require all this amazing oxygen. But he's still small so he can move. There's always that debate about what's the perfect size because when you're 260, you don't have the kind of explosive speed with your punches. Yeah. Usually. You've got a lot of weight in those arms too when you fill up with blood, man. You lose the snap into the punches. He's got great snap to his punches because he's not muscle bound. That's right. He's got a real athlete's body. I mean, his body is exactly built that way because of years of combat sports. So it's built the exact way it needs to be to perform at the level that he wants to perform. And with him, the big thing with that guy is volume. He has the most ridiculous pace of any heavyweight. I've never seen a guy with cardio. His ability, yeah. His cardio is with cardio. It's insane. It doesn't make any sense. He's 240 pounds. He never gives up.

31:30He's outworks lightweights at the gym at AKA, AKA American Kickboxing Academy in San Jose, one of the best gyms in the country, filled with killers, filled with John Fitch and Josh Koscheck and Mike Swick and all these fucking animals up there. And this guy is outlasting them in conditioning drills. That's unheard of. You're talking about like a Josh Thompson. Like, well, those guys, that's like an elite, elite MMA athlete. You know, like as good a shape as you can get in, as athletic as you can get in. And to have this fucking freak heavyweight beating them in exercise drills is really kind of crazy. Or at least getting close to them. Heavyweights are traditionally way easier to tire out. And he just puts a pace on these guys. You can see them unjust. Can't believe it's real. They can't believe it's real. Like a perfect example. The Brock Lesnar fight was a good example. That was a good example.

32:18But there's been a couple other fights earlier in his career where you just see him hit guys with this pace. Big Ben Rothwell. That's a perfect fight. He hit Ben Rothwell with this pace that was just ridiculous. It was just ferocious. Everything he did was perfect. Every takedown was perfect. Every side positioning was perfect. Every hammer fist was perfect. Yeah, because he wasn't tired. Every punch was perfect. Yeah. How tall is Ken? He just keeps going. Six feet, six foot one. That's it. Maybe something like that. He's not a giant guy. Like I said, he's only 240. Unbelievable. He might be six foot one at the most. I should actually look that up. What's his nationality? He's Mexican. 100%. It has brown pride tattooed on his chest. That's how you know he's a bad motherfucker. I write C-A-N-U in Google and it says Cain Velasquez. That's how you know you're a bad motherfucker. Not even Canada or California.

33:10Or castration. Or castration. Or cats. Or cats. That's what would come up first. Mine says cats. I'm a huge. Cain Velasquez. You guys, I should just say it now. I'm a cat freak. Six foot one. Yeah. Six foot one, 244. Perfect size heavyweight. Not too big. Not too small. And if a guy like Brock Lesnar can't outmuscle you. I'm so depressed. I'm 5'11", 170. You always say this, but you never do anything about it. I lift weights, dude. Do you do heavyweights? Yeah. Like, did you do, you read Tim Ferriss' book. Did you see all this shit that he had about gaining weight? Yeah, but I just. Do you really want to get bigger? No. You wouldn't be as funny. No, I know. That's the problem. I don't want to spend that much time trying to, like, work it on my body. It's too embarrassing. You would be just as funny. That's ridiculous. No, but I mean. I'm just fucking with you. But I don't want to spend.

33:54Somehow, I don't want to spend, like, a lot of time. A lot of time trying to get bigger. Just so I'm 10 pounds more muscular. You get tired quick. It's just embarrassing. You get tired quick. Yeah. The real problem with the big muscles is that you have to feed those bitches. That's right. You don't realize what a big difference it makes. That's why, like, you know, you look at the real elite UFC athletes like PJ Penn and Nick Diaz. They don't look like Adonis. Dude, I was talking to him at the premiere of Warrior. I was looking at PJ Penn. I was like, well, you're about as threatening in a button-down shirt as the UPS guy. You got those ears closed up. I know what that means. But I'm looking at him going, I'm sorry. I'm taller than you. And frankly, my shoulders are broader. And that's all I was thinking the whole time. You're sizing him up. I'm sizing him up.

34:37How many people must do that to PJ on a daily basis? How many dummies he must have to talk to? I know. And I just keep looking. I'm like, I mean, how are you one of the baddest men on the planet? Yet he is. Oh, he's an animal. And then I met Alistair Overeem, who is quite the opposite. Alistair Overeem is like someone gave someone a super person pill. I was going to say. Rip! Yeah. Like if you were a character in a comic book and you found a pill that was in Dr. Doom's laboratory or spinach. He's a male, male impersonator. That's what he is. Okay? Yeah. He's gigantic. As Adam Carolla would say about women who are really hot, female, female impersonators. He's a male, male. I was like looking at his back. I was grabbing his arm. I was basically doing everything but making out with a guy. I was like, oh. But here's the thing about Alistair. No one, since he's been that big, no one's had to push him in an MMA fight.

35:27You know, his fights that he's had while he's been that big are really kickboxing. He's done very well but I think there's something to that size in kickboxing that's particularly intimidating. With the skill of an Alistair Overeem, he's very good at covering up. He has so much muscle and I think that muscle is also sort of like a padding. It's like armor. My friend Walter used to say that when we were doing Taekwondo. He would say that muscles don't help you teach you how to fight but what they do do, no doubt about it, is offer protection. He goes, they protect you against injuries and he goes, and it's padding. You've got to think of if your body's heavily muscled, it's padding. There's a certain point in time where there's a point of diminishing returns but the question remains as to whether Alistair has hit that point of diminishing returns because he's so big.

36:09And in kickboxing, he's a fucking beast and he was a bad motherfucker when he fought Alistair or when he fought Brett Rogers. But truth be told, Brett Rogers is not at his level. He's not nearly technical enough standing up to stand with Alistair. And he's not a world-class wrestler so he's not going to take him on the ground. He's basically a brawler who is in there with one of the best precision strikers in the world. So that wasn't exhausting for Alistair at all. How is Alistair's wrestling? He's not that good. But he's got real good jiu-jitsu. Wrestling is not good. He doesn't have the best takedown defense but it's good. But the bottom line is he's got a nasty guillotine choke. He choked out Vitor Belfort with it. Vitor tapped. Yeah, he caught Vitor. I mean, that's how good he's... He's a lot bigger than Vitor, though. Yeah. Well, back then he wasn't.

36:51Back then they were both fighting around the same weight. Interesting. Yeah, he might have eaten some good foods and got a lot of weight put on his body, my friend. People put 35, 40 pounds on him. Yeah. Well, he does work hard, man. His workouts are unbelievable. There's videos of him online. Crazy deadlifts and all this strength lifting shit. But the true test of that, whether or not you can perform with all that muscle on, really is when you get stuck under the bottom of a guy like Brock Lesnar. That's the true test. You know, because that big motherfucker will take you down and he'll be on top of you and you might be fucked, son. I think Brock's biggest challenge, though, is knowing how to box with a guy like Cain Velasquez because that takes forever to learn. Well, because Cain can wrestle. Yeah. See, Cain is a nightmare because Cain can wrestle. Yeah. He's a wrestler. He's an excellent wrestler.

37:36So his technique as a wrestler, too. He's very technical. Like, even though he's like, he does like a lot of shit, like he chains takedowns. He does it in a way that very few heavyweights do. It's like the way he moves is like the way a lighter weight guy would wrestle. Right. And so he brings this really technical wrestling to it, too. So when Brock starts heaving and hoeing just a little, Cain's got underhooks. He's back up to his feet. And boom. And Cain's all of a sudden kickboxing with him, lighting him up. He's got the worst case scenario for a guy like Brock. He's got nasty stand-up. Knocked out Noguera in a ridiculous flurry in a way that no one's able to do. You know, he's good, man. His stand-up is good. And he can take a shot. He took two solid punches from Czech Congo that dropped him. Same kind of punches that knocked Pant Berry unconscious. And he took it right on the chin.

38:23Yeah, that's what's so... Dropped him and then he completes a takedown. That's what's so sick and amazing about a guy like Frank Edgar, for example, who is to me right now the most just impressive human being. The fact that that guy can take shots to the face... There's a correlation between both of them. Neither one cut weight. I was going to say. Yeah. And I was going to ask you about that because when... It seems to me if a fight's going to go three rounds, it's one thing to cut weight. When a fight's going to go five rounds, cutting weight is going to be a liability. Usually. Usually. If the other guy has not cut weight, your muscles and all those cells are hydrated and you're not going to get as tired. So it's an interesting kind of strategy. Well, you know, they rehydrate with IVs and it helps. It's definitely better than the way they used to do it.

39:05Guys, the way they used to do it, you start eating slowly and then they would start slowly sipping water. Yeah, I know. And then try to get up in the middle of the night and drink water. And they would drink water and Pedialyte. But now the smart way to do it is with an IV. But there's been some studies apparently that were done on soldiers. And I need to get a hold of this. My friend Dustin told me about it. And they were talking about how long it takes to rehydrate your cerebral spinal fluid and all that stuff. And that is where it's scary because that shit takes weeks. And when you get hit and you're dehydrated, it's very bad for your brain. Very bad for your brain. You cannot take a shot nearly as well. And you're more likely to die. What does Gray Maynard walk around at? Somebody told me he walks around. He's a big guy. Like 190 or something. I don't.

39:44Well, I think he can probably get up to 190 if he's eating whatever the fuck he wants and power lifting and shit. But he's most certainly too big for 155, I think. Yeah. I mean, look, he's a beast, man. Don't get me wrong. If he catches you with a big shot, he'll put you away. But I think he's so thick that, you know, for him, it might be better if he lifted less and just got a little bit more cardio into his system. And I know he's got good cardio. Don't get me wrong. But he doesn't have the same cardio that a guy like Edgar does. And I think one of the reasons for it is a guy like Edgar has less body mass, period. Yeah. He has less oxygen that has to push through the muscles. And I think, again, there's a point of diminishing returns. Edgar is obviously not as strong as Gray Maynard. Gray Maynard is way stronger than him. He's way scarier a puncher, too.

40:32He can hurt you with one of those early punches that he hit Edgar with. He's, holy shit, dude, his uppercut is nasty, dude. Gray can punch. But I think that's a mechanical thing, man. I think he would be able to punch like a motherfucker no matter what. I think he's just become a much better boxer over the course of the time we've seen him in the UFC. I don't think him losing a little bit of mass would hurt that. I really don't. I think he would benefit from just having a little less mass on his body. But this is just me talking shit. If he knocked out Frankie Edgar in the first round, I'd be saying, oh, he improved and he came back. And he's the best of the division now. The thing about the UFC now is these guys become better punchers. Those little gloves become such a liability for any kind of error. You make any fucking mistake and you go out. Look at Eve Edwards. I mean, Eve's a great fighter.

41:24He was fighting really well. But one shot to the jaw with those, you're done. The way Eve's went down is like a guy who has been knocked out before, though. Yeah. And I'm not saying that it wouldn't have happened. He's been fighting a long time. Yeah, I'm not saying that it wouldn't have happened anyway because it was an excellent shot. It could have put him out anyway. But, man, it was disturbing how he went out. Because I really like Eve Edwards. He's a smart dude. He's a great guy. And he's a very skilled guy, too. And he's been around for a long time. I watched him fight in the hook and shoot days back when he fought Aaron Riley. We were in Pittsburgh together and we were doing Warrior. And it was me and Nate Marquardt. We were in my apartment. We were all a little drunk. And I start yapping off. And I'm like, well, I don't know why you guys don't just fucking go for a double. I take him down.

42:12I'm just saying stupid shit to Eve trying to get his goat. And I'm like, I know you're a boxer. I know. But, you know, I was talking one though. So you want no part of my feet, my friend. I'm doing all this shit. He's like, he's drunk. He's like, really? And all of a sudden he grabs me. And now he's practicing moves on me as I'm trying to fucking stay alive. On the rug. He's letting me choke him out. He's like, choke me on God. I'm not going to fucking choke you on God's leave. He goes, try. Just try. Come on, try. Next thing I know, I'm like, ah! I'm getting like twisted around. It's so funny to roll with guys like that. Just what they can do to you. It's just fucking ridiculous. So you just started training again though? Yeah. How many times? Just once. Just once? Yeah. How many years off did you have? Years. Well, you had a weird situation happen. Yeah, six years. Brian scared the shit out of me. Yeah.

42:54When he told me this whole story, it's very disturbing. You had a real medical problem. Well, I had a concussion. And my hands for like three months felt like I was holding a hot snowball. And it would come back all the time. And I found that that is one of the effects of a severe concussion. Because I had a 40-minute fight with this guy named Pasquale, this French guy. And Boom Boom Mancini was watching. And it was at Street Sports. And I didn't want to lose. I was like, I'm not tapping in front of Boom Boom Mancini. But how did you get a concussion? I think I didn't even. You know when you're wrestling that hard, you don't even realize. You hit your head on the mat. You've fallen. You're doing all kinds of crazy. We were going crazy. I hit my head on the mat and I drilled real recently. And I was like, whoa, that was a hard one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Head injuries are no joke. But, you know, I just.

43:47And I'm back, though. I miss it. So when you didn't know what the injury was, you couldn't pinpoint. I thought I had a brain tumor, man. No, but I know. But I mean, when it happened, when we were rolling, there's not one moment. Nope, I don't remember any of it. And I've been knocked out. So you didn't even know. Nope. I've been knocked out. I've been kicked in the head. I've been punched. I know what being knocked out is. You know, I know. But for this, it was just. I guess I think what happened was at one point, I think I was standing and I came back and hit my head on the mat and we just kept moving. You know? Who knows? Who knows? You don't think about it when you're fighting. Yeah. So why were you doing this? Why were you, as a grown man, why were you having this 40 minute battle? I still haven't let go of the fact that I'm a pussy. I like how you put it to a song. That I'm not built like a Samoan.

44:32Built like a Samoan. I want to be. I want to. I wish I had some Samoan blood. Like David Tula. That's all I want. Just a little. Give me a little fucking Samoan blood. Big fire hydrant head. I just want the hair and the dark skin. No hair on my skin. It's a fucking good look. I can wear turquoise and be a badass. Turquoise. Yeah. I can't wear jewelry. I look like a fucking. I look like. There's something about a man who wears turquoise or jade. Well, Johnny Depp. He gets away with all that shit. He wears awesome things. There's something about when guys wear like large silver bracelets with big jade ovals inside of them. You're like, okay, dude. Do you believe in channeling? I always want to ask him like right away. What's going on with you, man? You spent some time in Sedona. Exactly. Do you know any healers? Exactly. Well, my ex-wife's a healer. Or you're in Arizona.

45:11I went to John Varvatos, you know, where it costs like a million dollars for a pair of shoes. What is that? It's a really cool clothing company that I actually love their clothes. I actually look good in their clothes, you know. It makes them for guys who are built exactly like me. But it's like really nice cashmere sweater. Shit you wear all the time. That it's like. Because guys have two criteria when they dress, right? They don't want to look like a pussy and they want to be comfortable. That's it. That's it for me. I'm not dressing. I'm not wearing, you know. But so I get in there and the dude, this guy is like just very fae. He's just like, hi, how are you? I'm like, good. And he's like, well, let's start. I go, I'm doing a one hour special for Showtime. I'm bullshit. And I'm like, you know, I am by the way. But I go, I'm doing a special and I go, and I want to, I need to wear something on stage.

45:55I don't know what I'm going to wear. We have some great stuff and he brings me over. And before I know it, I'm wearing like, I got a vest on. I got a, I got a fucking awesome fedora. I got this, he puts this, this unbelievable, this like chain around my, I looked, I looked in the mirror and I was like, I'm sorry, but right now, not to be a dick, I'm the coolest looking motherfucker on the planet. This is, this is, I look, I was so impressed with how good I looked. And I went, I've never worn jewelry. And he goes, oh, I mean, if you don't wear jewelry, then all you're wearing is cloth. That's our rule here. I'm like, well. You have to wear jewelry? Well, it just looked, I was surprised. You let this gay man get into your soul. Right, but then I looked in the mirror and I was looking at myself and I went like this and I said right in front of him, I go, then again, I do punch people for looking like this.

46:39You know, you see guys who are like, they walk into like, you know, intelligentsia coffee where they charge you $6 for a cup of coffee and their hair is just must just the right way. They got a bracelet on this awesome. Don't hate the player, bro. I hate the game because that shit works. It does work. You pull up in a late model Maserati, you know, you have a fine watch on. Girls like that shit. Reading, reading perhaps the Wall Street Journal. I want to keep up on the markets. Got to get my coffee. Why me? Yeah, very successful financially. Romantically, not so much. Yeah. You know, it's just. Ever since the family died in the fire. I just can't find the right one. The family died in the fire. You don't introduce any tragedy until at least the first couple. Two, three dates. You got to let them fall in love first. My biggest problem when I'm not running orphanages, I guess my biggest problem is what

47:22to spend all my money on. You got to come off like a hippie pussy. You don't want that. Don't talk about orphanages. She can find that out. Now that you made so much money. You're making grand plans. You can't keep banging her for long. You're on a one night plan. You're right. You're right. If you want to keep a girl in the game, you can't just make up orphanages, man. I do. You're going too far. I like the Wall Street Journal. That's good. Yeah. You got to pretend like you're a serious person. Yeah. With an expensive watch. I'm a man. She's lost. She's got to pay her own fucking rent, man. It's hard. It's hard out there. That's it. She doesn't feel like a woman, but yet she is. Here she is, 22. Right now, I just manage my investments. I wear one of those book bags that you can keep your dog in the back. Have you seen those things? A book bag that you can keep your dog in?

48:01They're like these little book bags that you carry around your animals in the back. Wouldn't you want it in the front so your dog knows that you're there? Yeah. Little dogs are great chick magnets, man. Puppies. But what's crazy about these book bags is if you look at the reviews on Amazon or whatever, there's so many psychos that are like, I could fit all three cats. I love going to Target with my cats. With my cats? Yeah. The reviews are hilarious. Check it out. Who said it orcs? Was it on our podcast where somebody was talking about walking their cat on a leash? Who was that? Maybe. There's a guy that walks his cat on a leash by my house. I had a history. I had a history. Go on. I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Someone on, I believe, I thought it was on our podcast. I was talking about walking a cat on a leash. I might have said that.

48:39I had a history teacher in college who told me that his buddy's dog, his buddy's lab had like a litter of puppies. I'm like, what the fuck do we do with these puppies? It was like eight weeks. They're weaned and stuff. It was like nobody wanted puppies. He's like, fuck. And they're like bored and they're going to the beach. And I was like, I got to the beach. Let me just feed the dogs. And his buddy goes, hold on. I got an idea. He's like, what do you mean? He goes, let's bring the puppies to the beach. And the guy's like, what do you mean bring the fucking puppies? He goes, don't worry about it. Next thing you know, they got a box of puppies and they have a sign that says rent a puppy. And they're renting puppies. You can go just take the puppy for an hour, leave a credit card, play with the puppy. Of course, everybody wanted a fucking puppy. They're like, how much do I have for the puppy?

49:17But my buddy, the history professor was like, the girls, the girls that ended up, that everybody ended up hooking up with were just unbelievable. You're just surrounded by girls. Bring a bunch of puppies to the fucking beach. Forget your gym. You're working out for three months trying to get your chest all right. Bullshit. You don't have to work out. Just show up with a bunch of puppies. Girls will flock to you. There you go, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Rent a puppy. Brian Callen's a genius when it comes to picking up chicks you don't really want to pick up in the first place. That's the problem. Everybody is so starving to get laid. Men are so starving. The reason why there's so many bitches and pussies in the men department in this world today is because the commodity of pussy is so goddamn powerful. And it's totally, the percentage of the market devoted to pussy is like, shit.

50:04It's got to be like 40 or 50 percent of the market is based on pussy. Acquiring it, right? Impressing it. When I think of the conversations I've had, the sincere conversations I've had with girls just to get laid, where my brow is knotted. And I'm like, really? That's amazing. Say more stuff. So tell me about this dream you had again. And women get angry at us for this insincerity, but this is what you have to understand. We're junkies and you're the dealer. It's really that simple. The universe is set up fucked up because we have the same bodies that we had back when infant mortality rates were through the fucking roof. So you had to want to fuck all the time so that you could have a reasonable amount of people so that the human race could survive. You know, it was really common like back in the day for people to have 10 kids, 11 kids, 12 kids. They just, kids were fucking dying, man. Kids didn't last.

50:56People got crazy diseases and it would wipe out entire villages and animals were eating people on a regular basis, you know? So we have that same body and we want to fuck all the time. Our body has not reacted to the, especially if you're athletic. It's one thing if you're unhealthy and if you, if you're confined to a cubicle and you know, your body becomes sedentary, you'll lose a certain amount of that drive as you get your 30s or 40s. But if you're athletic, if you're an athletic person and if you're a person who just, we are engineered to like the hunt of it. The same way you can't roll a ball of yarn in front of a kitten. If a girl walks by, it doesn't even matter if you want to fuck her. If a girl walks by in high heels and a bikini with a big ass and big floppy real tits and she's hot and she looks at you, you go, oh, you just have to find a reason why you had to get out of the room.

51:47Yeah, but we, but meanwhile, we are becoming increasingly automated and computerized. And so what happens is... Worse than that, worse than that. We are, they're changing because the fact that pussy is so powerful. Men are doing a lot of shit that women want them to do. It's not normal. But I would say that's also because testosterone, muscle, aggression, those things are becoming tools we no longer need to survive. Think about what it was like just to get by and feed your family. You had to work the fucking land. Sure. Split wood, bail hay, catch your own food, all that shit that took a lot of weight. And now what happens is you go to the supermarket or you swipe your credit card, okay? So, so it, and I'm watching, I was watching two shows in particular. I watched Whitney and I watched American Horror Story, okay? I like American Horror Story, by the way. It's scary. But he has, he has an affair.

52:37Oh, Chris DeLee is my buddy. But he, he has a, he has a, um, uh, how bad is it? It's fair on, uh, how bad is it? Whitney? I haven't, I don't, I mean, I don't mind it. It's a sitcom. It's actually not. It's actually not. Don't ever lie to me like this. It's actually not. It's terrible. I don't like it. We go way back, bro. We go over a decade. This thing's going to be gone. I like the laugh track the best. You like the laugh track? Yeah, that's my favorite part. I like, I'm, I personally really like Whitney as a person. Something about those billboards. And I really like Chris, so I, I, you know, I'm biased, but. Something about those billboards that made me feel like I was in a Coen Brothers movie. I was like, I think this is it. I think this is the last piece of evidence that life is a work of fiction. It's like, what? What the fuck is happening? They advertised a lot of advertising shit out of that.

53:16Sitcoms just do not work for me anymore. I cannot do it at all. Yeah, but some of them are doing really well. You say, you say that, but if you, you locked into a good one. If another Seinfeld came along. I mean, Modern Family's funny. Yeah, I heard that's very funny. Well, I mean the typical sitcom. Yeah. Like, you know, like we're with the live track studio audience. Two Bro Girls is supposed to be pretty good and it's doing really well. That's Chelsea's. Chelsea Handler's. No, that's actually Whitney's as well. She created. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Whitney's doing really well, man. That's amazing. Whitney works her ass off, man. That's crazy that she's got two shows. I'm happy for her, man. I love her. I've known her forever and I knew her back when she was doing open mics, you know, and she worked her ass off, man. And you know what about, you know what I love about Whitney?

53:51Whitney's always been fucking really positive and really supportive. That's awesome. And she's the girl where I'd be on stage, she'd be out there laughing her ass off. Well, you don't get that. And telling everybody how great I was. Successful. You don't get that successful without being positive. It's impossible. No. She's a positive person who worked her ass off. And guess what? I read the pilot of Whitney and I was laughing. And I was like, she wrote it. She wrote it. Now you stop lying. Stop lying. No, but I mean, I'm saying for a sitcom, it might not be, you know. For a sitcom. I'm just saying. I'm saying. But I'm proud of her. I think sitcoms are still working. But the point I was making is this, is that Chris's character looks at a girl. And for the whole episode, she's giving him a hard time and he feels guilty. And he can't admit that he was just looking for a girl.

54:33And I was saying the other day, I was like, look, the truth of the matter is, we're fucking genetically programmed to be that way. Yeah. If you have an honest conversation about what that struggle is for a guy, then we're always going to be playing roles. Yeah. But don't even say for a guy because it's a struggle for a girl too. It's a respect issue. And that's why I don't think that people looking at other people while you're in a relationship is cool. While you're with someone, you know what you're doing. You know, when a girl, like I've seen girls do it to dudes and it's very disturbing. It's happened, especially it happens around a lot around fighters. I'm not talking about that. I'm just talking about when it does happen, instead of pretending it didn't or instead of saying that I don't feel that way, there is a dialogue to be had, which is, yeah, you know what? That's the way.

55:16When you get shit out in the open, it takes the edge off. It does. But it's a disrespect issue in the first place. You shouldn't be doing it. You shouldn't be staring at some chick's ass when you're in front of your wife. You know what the fuck it is. Right, right, right. Just, you know, it's easy to not do. Yeah. You know, it's easy to take it in for a second and go, Jesus Christ. Right. And then don't say, and don't, but don't fucking stare blatantly at some chick. Because you're just doing it to create conflict. You're doing it to make that girl feel bad. And we've all seen guys do that. Sure. We've all seen guys do that, or they might even actually say something, you know? Yeah. That makes everybody uncomfortable. I'm so lucky. I get the elbow to being like, hey, Brian, look at that girl's ass. Like, it's backwards for me. Yeah, but that's girls who want to seem cool in the beginning. No.

55:54This girl does porn. She does lesbian porn. Oh, she does? Yeah. She probably likes chicks. Likes eating bucks. Yeah. That's fantastic. Don't have kids with her, but that's fantastic. Don't have kids with her. What? You never know, man. You never know is right. I'm kidding. Trying to give up on her pussy eating. I'm kidding. You never know. They don't, though. They just take a break, and then when they're 40, they kick you out of the house and move in with their horse trainer. That's all right. Horse trainer. Sheik Uchi trains their horse. Yeah, that's what's going to happen, bro. It's all fine. They'll take a couple years off. You'll have kids with them, and then when they're like 20, the kids will be like 20. I know, but I'm beginning to think everything is fine. If you do it with your eyes wide open, it might be a risk, but fuck it. Take it anyway.

56:31If she's got a pass, and she's all fucked up, but you like her, date her. Well, see, you might lose your house, but fuck it. You'll get another house. I don't know if he necessarily should be having children right now, but I see your point. I mean, there's no guarantees. There's no guarantees. Well, not only that. People do evolve. They do change. You can't judge everyone based on their earliest fuck up. We'd all be losers. Fuck, that'd be a disaster. Can you imagine me? It's like there's some sort of a time between your fuck ups and who you are today that we have to accept. I don't know what that number is. If I had a time machine, I'd go back and just meet me when I was 23 and slap my face with an open hand about the thing. Why would you do that? It's perfect. What you've gotten through is absolutely perfect. You've gotten through it all with humility.

57:11Everyone's afraid of making those big colossal mistakes because they somehow or another define you. I say they don't. I say you're not your past. I say you're an accumulation of your experiences and what you've observed and learned and grew from your experiences. And because of that, or how you've grown from your experiences, because of that, you're better because of all your fuck ups. You should embrace them. As long as you learn from your fuck ups, you're better because of them. I am unquestionably, I would not change a single thing about anything I've ever done ever. I mean, I definitely feel bad for I've ever hurting anyone's feelings at any point in time in my life. That's the number one thing, if anything, I ever regret. It's like, maybe I shouldn't have been so mean to that dude, or maybe I shouldn't have yelled at this chick, or maybe I shouldn't have, you know, maybe I should have like ate

57:54it before I... Or taken a look at where they're coming from perspective. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, you know, instead of just saying, shut the fuck up, I don't want to hear you. You know, those type of things. My regret isn't on what I chose to do. My regret is I didn't work hard enough in some things. Really? Yeah, a little bit. Well, you know what? I don't know. I don't know. I don't think that should be. Because you've had a very enjoyable life. And what you have to realize is, you know, there's a certain amount of whimsy to your personality and to what makes you a fun guy. And part of what makes you a fun guy is that you're never really truly satisfied with your current position in life. That's true. You know, but... That's an interesting point. I like that. And I've never had anybody use the word whimsy with me. That's a fucking great word. You're a man of whimsy. It's a great word. If I had a barrel chest.

58:37You're like thinking of yourself on top of a fucking... All day long. A boat with a broad sword. Fucking always think about it. My one hour special is coming out in June. My one hour special on the cover of the DVD is me. They made my muscles really big. I'm holding the mic over my hand. And two girls are clutching each calf looking up at me. And I'm on a mountaintop. You fucking right. That's what I want to be. And there's a horse rearing up in the distance and a hawk in the air. I'm like, that's who I want to be. That's hilarious. It's true. I've always wanted to be everything I'm not. But in that sense, I kind of like who I am at the same time. Maybe that is who I am. Yeah, but it is who you are. It's not true, though. It's not a real need. It's a whimsical, fantastical... There it is again. It is. But it is. It's like he's being silly about it all. If you really truly wanted it, you would do it.

59:25I've never taken myself that silly. I see the devotion that you have as a father. I see the devotion that you have for your work when you're actually concentrating on something. When you actually want to do something, you're very focused on doing it. So it's kind of a fake... It is. It's almost an admiration for extreme examples of certain individuals. That's right. That's right. And how inspiring. Like you meet a guy like Alistair Overing. You don't necessarily want to get that big. But God damn, it's inspiring. You grab his fucking giant anaconda arm. My Dove goes... Dove Davidoff goes, you were grabbing the guy's fucking arms. You don't even know the guy. You're grabbing his shoulders. I was grabbing him. And I was like, well, I was asking about Brock. I was asking about Brock. I had to touch his body. I was like, well, look at this guy. It made... People don't... You know, that's an interesting fight.

60:07I think Alistair's one of the best fighters in the world. But I think Brock is big as fuck and a serious wrestler. He had a lot of respect for Brock. He said, you know, he said, I'm ready for the fight. But I have a lot of respect for Brock. He's a great fighter. And I was like, whoa. He said that without cameras. The fact that you can just go up to a guy like that and grab him shows you where you're coming from. Because if you were weird in any way, you wouldn't be able to get that off. You can get that off because you're charming. I can't help it every time. It's the same thing with Mayhem. I'm always trying to underhook him. And he's like... You're crazy to think that you would ever want to do anything different. Because whatever you've done has made you you. I'm sorry for anybody that ever hurt their feelings. But I'm so happy everything turned out the way it turned out. I guess you're right, man.

60:44I never thought of that. I really liked that. As you were talking, I went, I spent a lot of time wishing I was somebody else. That's why I'm an actor. That's why I'm a comic. And by the way, that is who I am, isn't it? We don't like... I'm a guy who spends a lot of time wishing he was somebody else. That's my identity. Every guy wants an undefeated record. Okay? Yeah. But I'm telling you, that shit ain't good for you. Yeah. You have to understand what it's like to lose. Of course you do. You have to understand failure. You have to be able to look back in your past at a moment where you fuck something up and feel uncomfortable about it. And that should provide you with a certain amount of humility and understanding. I think a man is the product of what partially, but largely a product of how, of the actions he chose to take as a response to failure. You know? Yes. Yeah, for sure.

61:30I don't know how you learn anything other than the hard way. I don't. You don't really. You don't really. There's no such thing. We're a strange animal that's dealing with infinite variables. And the only way to truly find a focused way through this path is to have accumulated a massive amount of experiences and forged positive information and game plans from these experiences. And be able to move forward. You cannot know it all right away from the get-go. That's right. You can just, all you can do is control how you respond to failure. Yeah. What you choose to do differently. Readjusting your approach. Yeah. And by the way, the one thing for me is I've learned just to enjoy. Enjoy that and allow the frustration when you do fail. Well, how about be able to make fun of yourself when you fuck up? That's so huge. How few guys can do that? Dude, that's so huge. There was a guy. That's so big. Do you remember?

62:21It's so big. And you're great at it. There was a guy recently, I say recently, it was within the last couple years. It was back when Legends was at the old bomb squad on Santa Monica Boulevard where the jiu-jitsu gym used to be. Anyway, this guy picked up a hooker. He came back from Iraq. Picked up a hooker. Turns out the hooker was a dude. The guy had sucked his dick. Found out the guy was a guy. Shot him. Oh, no. Dumped the body in an alleyway. In an alleyway like a movie. So the cops apparently see this guy dump the body. The high-speed chase ensues. They chase him all the way out to the desert. Gets out of the car with his gun. Suicide by cop. They shoot him dead. Sure. Wow. And all I'm thinking of is this motherfucker, if he could just make fun of himself, would have the best story ever. It's so true. The idea of the stubble in the sky. Did it really? Quiet suddenly. Did it really? Joe Rogan.

63:10You don't know that story? No. Oh, interesting. Well, if I may. If you, please. I can't believe I've never told you this story. I can't believe you haven't either. You might have. I'm at Club USA in New York City. How many years ago was this? Oh, I don't know. 20. Whoa. I don't know. Well, I'm 63 now. I just had a lot of work done. But yeah, I'm at USA. I'm a young man. And I'm dancing with my buddy. And I meet this. I have a weakness for Latina girls, right? A little petite, curvy. I see this beautiful Latino girl. She's got this black ponytail. She's got that caramel skin. This cute little ass. My dick is getting hard. I know. And this tight. I'll stop touching it. And she's dancing. What? She's dancing. She's dancing. She's dancing. I'll start touching it. He said stop. I'll stop touching it. Sorry. Sorry. She's dancing. And she's dancing. And she locks eyes with me with the eyes of a fighter. I mean, just looking at me.

64:13And I'm like, all right. Well, that's my wife. That's my wife right there. I start dancing with her. And we're grinding. We're dancing. She smells like fucking apricots. I don't remember what she smells like. But for the story, she smells like fucking apricots. And I'm just, we start making out. And I mean, bub slapping on the dance floor. And you know, sometimes when you're that attracted, everything else melts away. You just see that one person. I'm a little drunk. And I'm kissing her. And it's romantic. I mean, deep. Oh, God. So there are these booths. There were these peep booths at Club USA where you could go in. And there was a glass thing where other people could watch you. So I take this girl into the peep booths. And I didn't give a fuck. Oh, there's a glass thing. So other people can watch you. They want to come into the booth. They can watch. But nobody's there. What the fuck? I didn't care. I was 23.

65:04I didn't give a fuck. I was like, I'll take my, I'll fucking fuck you right here. I didn't. Condom? Shut up. So I'm literally like, I'm going to fuck this girl right here in this club. And you know. So you cuff me. Go fuck yourself. I was just in love. I'm going to get her. This is my girlfriend. This is my girlfriend forever. So I'm kissing. And I'm making out. And I'm feeling her body. She's got these little tits. I'm like, these are small. It doesn't matter. Her waist. She's so hard. And the ass was on another level. Yeah, she had a beautiful ass. And I reach down. And I go for. Well, I grab a branch. I grab a fucking branch. A branch. That had been tucked under. And she. He. Goes up. And pulls my hand away. And I immediately realize. That was a cock. I've been. I've been deep kissing. Deep kissing. For two hours. So I'm definitely a little gay. I mean. Deep kissing. And I just grabbed a cock. You ever felt.

66:02How did you not know? You ever felt a cock in tights? How did I not know, dude? Because. You can't know. You can't know. She was taking hormones, obviously. Secondly, she was already like. Had that skin. Latino. Or Filipino. Whatever she was. Where she just didn't have hair on her body. She was petite. He. I keep saying she. You keep saying she. She was such a girl. Because he doesn't want to believe. And you know. But here's this. Here. Ready? Here's why I'm a good guy. Here's why I'm a really fucking nice guy. You let him suck your dick. Nope. I looked in her eyes. She was so hurt. His eyes. He was so like. He was just like. Please. You know. Let this be. And I'm such a fucking. I felt so bad. That I go. I go back in to kiss her. I kiss him. For another like. Two seconds. Three seconds. And I go. On the lips? Of course. What? I didn't want to be rude. You fuckers. Now listen. I'm not done. I'm not done. That's totally gay. Ready? Ready?

66:53I go. I go like this. I go. Oh. I go. Oh. Oh. I have an ulcer. I have an ulcer. My stomach is killing me. She goes. You do? I go. Yeah. She goes. Do you have to go to the bathroom? I go. No. No. I just have to. I have a very bad ulcer. Sometimes it just keeps. So I want to protect her feelings. I felt so bad. Him. His. She had his. And. So that's how you got out of the situation. That's how I got out. And I left. And I never. I did not come back to that club. I can't believe you went back in to kiss. I know. You gotta be. I didn't want to be rude. No. Yeah. I know. I would have gay bashed. For a lot of guys. I know. I know. Would you really? I would have been mad if this person tricked me. For a lot of guys it's an experience that they didn't want to have. I don't really give a fuck. It's an experience. Okay. For you. But for a lot of guys it's an experience that they don't want to have. That's right.

67:47And someone tricked them into doing it. And they could get violent. Yeah. And I don't. I don't justify it. But I'm saying a lot of guys that would be their reaction. The fact that you felt bad is very strange. And you went back. And kissed him. And then wrote her a poem. Did you kiss him with tongue after that? I don't believe I kissed with tongue. But if I tell the story again I'll definitely use that. Yeah. Isn't it funny how like a memory from that far back is almost bullshit anyway. Because it's so like fragmented and odd. It's like I can recite the facts of a lot of details of my life. But do I truly recall them? And if I didn't have a language they wouldn't even exist in my memory banks. I'm tempted to tell you another story. Do it. Yes. Yes. Please do. Yes. All right. That was hilarious. Did I tell you the Jimmy Burke story? Which one? I know a million Jimmy Burke stories.

68:31The one where we were both together with two girls on a bed? Yes. The other thing? Yes. Okay. Yes. All right. That's good. Okay. So I had my best friend's thumb in my ass. All right. But that's a whole different story. Joe? What? You put your thumb? No, not mine. Another best friend. Oh, but did I tell him the podcast? Don't say my thumb. Listen. Let's be clear about this. Because we refer to each other as best friends. Did I tell him? My thumb was never anywhere near your ass. I gave the punchline away. But there's a very, very good excuse for it. No wonder why Joe's always sucking his thumb. Not on the podcast. Oh. Well, should I tell him the podcast? Well, it's a little late because you already gave away the punchline. If you can tell the story somehow or another and make it entertaining, even though the punchline is already... I used to have... I used to date...

69:15I had two girlfriends for a long time that I had sex with 10 years after the fact. They were just my two girls. Love them. Love them. I had sex with those girls that we dated in college and then I dated them right after college. And for the next 10 years, maybe longer, they were always a booty call. Those kind of relationships are so strange, aren't they? Oh, they're so weird. Even through their boyfriends, through girlfriends. That's the crazy part. Oh, yeah. How many girls like that have a guy like that? Oh, fantastic. Somewhere in their life where they just have some arrangements and they just meet up places. I can sniff it. Yeah, right? You can. I sniff it. I know it. Dirty. Oh, yeah. Yeah. How can you tell? What do you tell most of all? Because they talk about him a lot because he's still in their life. Because he's still really important to them. Oh, yeah. Because they had a long time. I can always tell.

70:02Oh, you're saying you can sniff it if a girl's doing it to you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can tell. You can tell. I mean, I know. And it's fine. Does it give you like a nice green light though? Yeah. You're like, okay. Yeah, yeah. You should be friends. You should be friends. The one girl. You just automatically can assume that she's doing that just whore rampage. I was that. I was that. Give you permission to find a guy tranny. No, I was that with this one girl. Right. Sorry about the tranny. But I was that with this one girl and she – Hold on one second because it's getting hot in here. I'm going to turn the AC on. Continue the story. I'm sorry for – I'll go slower, Joe. I know the story. Yeah. So she basically was – she was the girl. Both of them were my girls for a long time. They are down at a restaurant in New York City called Il Buco, which is a great restaurant, by the way.

70:51And I get a call from one of them, which is essentially like, hey, Brian, it's such and such and such and such and we're hanging out and we really wish you were here. And we were talking about you and we were talking, telling dirty stories, whatever they were saying. And I couldn't call back fast enough. I was like, where are you? Like, where are Il Buco? I'm like, I'll be there. I'll be there now. I mean, I was literally like 20 minutes away and I got down there in five minutes. I was at his hand at the cap. I was like, drive faster. Drive faster. I get there. Long story short, because I'm a team player, I call my best friend Jimmy Burke. I come in at a good time. That's it. I call Jimmy Burke. I say, get down here. That, by the way, is always the code for fucking there's something about to go down. It always involves pussy. Get down here. He goes, be right there. Gang. He's there in two seconds.

71:39We're drinking wine. I'm fucking getting them all plied up, talking about it. I could see the two of them, the two girls are all over each other. And I'm like, oh, you want to use me as a bridge to have an experience with each other. How interesting. My two old girlfriends, who subsequently asked me to have children with them, by the way, just to use my sperm, which was very flattering, but I had to say no. But anyway, so, okay. So I'm like that. But Jimmy Burke goes, hey, guys, let's go back to my, I call him the maestro. He goes, let's go back to my place. Let's go back to my place. I'll blow the fire. Got some weed. I'll make some fucking chocolate chip cookies. How's that sound? Weed, fireplace, chocolate chip cookies. They're like, yeah. Okay. Sounds good. We get to the place. He goes to the kitchen to get, like, to start whipping up chocolate chip cookies. He's bringing out some weed.

72:27He goes to the kitchen. He brings out weed. He brings out a joint. By that time, I'm already naked on the bed with the girls. I'm already naked. And he's like, what the fuck is this? This is fucking, fuck the weed. This is fucking great. And I'm like, okay, I got my gun. And one girl's money. I'm like, look at my balls. I'm like, look at you. I'm like, look at him. I go to Jimmy. I go, I'd rather be nowhere else in the world right now, brother. This is the place to be. This is the greatest experience of my life. Literally. Like, I'm living a porn right now. And I love them. They're both my girls. So, Jimmy's like, let me take my clothes off. He looks like a red bumpy pickle, by the way. He's fucking hairless. Got a piece on him. And I'm like, that's just not attractive to me. But whatever. So, he's trying to get this girl's pants down. He's got a tongue, literally, that goes.

73:13Literally, he could catch fucking flies with a tongue. He's like one of those frogs. People don't know what an entertaining dude this guy is. He's got no idea. He's one of these guys, like, there's certain people that they go from cradle to the grave and they never become famous. And it's a national disaster. It's a disaster. It's a tragedy. It's a national tragedy. We call him the national treasure. He's the greatest. He's hilarious. Yeah, he's incredible. He's a Joey Diaz type character. Yeah, that's right. He's one of those dudes who's just fucking hilarious. Like, you're so happy you know him because you always laugh when you're around him. Because he rides around. Because it's Christmas time. He goes, come outside. I go, what? He's driving down fucking 57th Street with a cowboy hat on, a down vest in the middle of winter with no fucking pants on. And I hear him go, deck the halls with bowls of hollyho.

74:01And this woman goes, ah, and screams because he's driving, standing up on the pedals. And his cock is going, on 57th Street in the middle of the east. I was like, you're the craziest motherfucker. He was three blocks away from his house. There was a restaurant that I stopped going to. And I stopped going to this restaurant because the last time I went was with you and Jimmy. And the fucking waiter kept interrupting Jimmy's stories with some new bullshit plate that they're bringing over with some fucking description of where the olives came from and how the cheese is cured. And Jimmy's telling some crazy fucking post-9-11 horror story about hearing the bodies hit the ground. And this motherfucker comes over with a plate of cheese. This cheese is brought to you from South America and it's a type of cheese that's with that yak milking. Get the fuck out of here, man.

74:51Put the stuff down and let's be done with this. There's nobody who tells better stories than that guy. Nobody in the fucking world. Yeah, he's so entertaining. Nobody in the world. It just bums me out that a guy like that sort of just... Well, you know what, though? He always says, he goes, life is my tapestry. Yeah. He just has such a blast. He does. And he always makes it a good time, no matter where that fucking guy is. He's taking this girl's pants down. He's trying to get his frog tongue in there. She's trying to go down on the other girl. So she's more into the other girl. As I'm making out of the other girl, I'm like, oh, is that my cock? There it is. You know, I'm just a fucker. I'm sorry to be this graphic, but the point is it was just a fucking fuck fest. It's craziness. Okay. So he's trying to get his... And she stops. She goes, wait, hold on. I don't like this. You guys need to do something together.

75:36I don't like this. And I look at Jimmy and we go, oh, we don't do that. I don't do that. See, I don't fuck around with guys because it's not that I'm homophobic. She's making you do that. I'm just not attracted to the guys. And I definitely have a hard-on right now, and so does my buddy. And there's no fucking... That's bad enough. We're about two feet away from each other. I'm not doing anything with my buddy. And this is the girl that Jimmy was trying to eat out, right? Yes. Of course. So she's not liking Jimmy eating her out. Right. She didn't know him. She wanted to really... She was more into the girl. She was into, you know. So she says to Jimmy, and Jimmy can give a fuck. He doesn't give a shit. He's down to go. And if he has to fuck me in the ass to get to this girl, he's like this. I can see the look in his eyes, and he's fucking like, let's go. Let's go. What the fuck do you need me to do?

76:20She goes, I want you guys to make out. We had done a play. We wrote a sketch where we made out as a joke. And I go, no, no, no. I don't make out with guys. It's disgusting. Can't do it. I can't do it. I had to do it. There was a part. You said you wrote a play that you guys could both make out with. I wrote this play just so we could make out. Listen, I can't make out with dudes, but I did write this play where I make out with dudes. And I penned every letter. And it's unfortunate that it had to be that way, that I had to make out with a guy. But, I mean, that's just... That's what I wrote. It's what I wrote. It's called Kissing a Boy. But the point is this. It's called Why is my dick hard? Why am I crying? Why? Okay. It's called Why Am I Crying? Anyway, so before I can even do anything, Jimmy goes, I'll fucking kiss him. He goes, get over here, you fucking pussy. I go to the gym. I go, eh, eh, eh, eh. Oh, my God.

77:10He goes, like, eh, pulls me away. He goes, you happy? She goes, yeah. Goes down and I'm like that. So now I'm back to my girl. I'm back to my girl. And we're locked in and we're making out. And all of a sudden I feel the other girl's hand around my ass. She goes, you feel good, Brian? I'm like, yeah, yeah. I feel fucking good. You know, whatever. And all of a sudden I feel like I'm not an ass play guy, to be honest with you. But I feel like a finger going in my mud whistle, if you will. If I can channel Jimmy Schubert, I'm really going in my mud whistle. You know, luckily I don't got a sewer pickle up there. You know what I mean? A sewer pickle. So, yeah. So I'm like, okay. Oh, what the fuck? She goes, does that feel good? I go, oh, I guess so. You're a girl. You know, it went in Rome. I'm like, fuck off. And I'm just so into this girl. And then I feel what feels like a greyhound bus in my ass. You understand?

78:04A greyhound bus in my ass. To which I go, oh, like that. Exactly what I mean. I went, oh, like that. And I turn around like this. I'm stuck. All I can do is go. I arch my back. I turn. I go, oh, like that. And my buddy's got his thumb in my ass. And he goes like this. He goes, you fucking pussy. Oh, no. And he posted out. You know what happened? Make the bad man stop, Joe. Now, let me explain. Let me explain. Let me explain. Let me explain why and how. She said to him, I'm not going to do anything more. I will fuck you. But you have to stick your finger in his ass. You don't have the balls. And Jimmy goes, what? I don't have the fucking. Fuck you. Shut the fuck. I'm like, you give a shit. Jesus Christ. I was like, hey, guy. I mean, a little something here. I understand wanting to get laid. But to stick your finger in my fucking ass. I go, here's the problem. I got to tell all my friends now. Otherwise, we're gay.

78:57Tell all your friends. You can tell everyone in the world. You just told a half a million people on the podcast. Hey, you know what? There it is. I told my friends in New York. We told the story. They went like this. My buddy, like Jerry McFadden, they had their hands in their pocket. They listened. They just went, fuck this. Turn around and walk the way. They went here to talk to me. They walked by shaking their head in a bad mood. Oh, could I fly Jimmy out here and have him on the podcast? Yes. Okay. The next time you do the podcast, let's schedule it in like three or four weeks from now. Somewhere before Thanksgiving. I love it. You come out to do the podcast. We'll fly Jimmy out from New York if he can do it. Great idea. I'll put him up in a hotel. The whole deal. Stay out here for a few days. Stay with me. Stay with me. Okay, beautiful. Perfect. That's great. I remember the first time I met Callan.

79:40I was sucking his dick. Wait a minute. But you were wearing a blonde wig. Brian, don't you think this show's been gay enough? You were wearing a wig. What made you want to take it deeper? It was these brain alpha brain. I know. Yeah. Shit works, son. Hey, have you heard about Trey Parker and Matt Stone being investigated by Scientology for the last five years? Have you heard of this? For what? No, I haven't heard anything about it. Yeah, well, you know they've made fun of Scientology and the whole time. I believe it. I believe it. Yeah. They're very, very litigious. Scientology has a really big article about it. You know, in some way, and this is going to sound weird because I'm a huge South Park fan and I'm on their side 100%, but there's a thing about having a gang like the Scientologists behind you that must be pretty fucking badass. I mean, you think about it. Look, I don't buy into any ideology.

80:29I don't believe anything that you can't show me. I will entertain almost any offer except religions made by science fiction authors. At a certain point in time, I step away and I go, wait, wait, wait, what? But as a group and as a clan, let's call them a clan of people. I respect that they fucking stick together like that. People love being in solidarity with other groups of people, whether it's Occupy Wall Street, whether it's being a Republican. I respect people who have solidarity. What I don't respect is when people use lawsuits, abuse, use litigious behavior to try to intimidate and scare people from taking a look at them. And that's what I am. I agree. I don't know if that's what they're doing in Scientology. Well, you know, look, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, they're too big. You know what? I know Scientology can shut down some shitty writers or some unknown people or some people

81:27that haven't been established by the media. But those guys have a voice. You can't silence them. You're going to make it way worse. You start picking on those guys, you're going to make it way worse. Nobody can fuck you up like they do. What are they doing to Trey Parker? What's this? Are they just pointing magnets towards their house? You know, I actually know a lot of Scientologists because I took class at the Beverly Hills Playhouse. And for a while there, there were a lot of them. And some of the teachers. And one of the teachers there said something really cool. He goes, somebody asked me if I was a Scientologist. And he had been for 23 years. And he had a good answer. He said, have I taken classes there and gotten immense benefit from some of them? Yes. Have I taken classes there and gotten nothing out of them? Yes. He goes, if that makes me a Scientologist, whatever.

82:12Has L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics and different philosophies helped me a great deal in my life? In some ways, yeah. And it was kind of a good answer. He goes, it's a philosophy that helps me a lot. Well, what he did in creating his own religion is he used a lot of excellent principles from a bunch of different ideologies. Take responsibility for yourself. Yeah, a lot of it is good. All the positive thinking. And there's something to be said for his way of thinking about reprogramming your psyche and reprogramming your reward system. Sure. You know, attitude and belief and just moving forward in a positive direction. Very strong, very important aspects to life. I think so 100%. I think that one of the things is just looking at yourself and saying, okay, whatever happens, you can always make an excuse. Whatever happens, I'm responsible for every condition I'm in. It's a better way to go through your life.

83:02Well, even if you're not, so what? It doesn't matter. Just move on from there. Nobody cares. Yeah, move on from there. Nobody gives a shit what the excuse is. You can have the best excuse in the world. The problem is the world goes, I know, that's terrible. Next, next. Well, some people just need an ideology and that ideology works. I had a next door neighbor who was a Scientologist. He was a nice fucking guy. They were a really nice family. Listen, man. I've known a lot of them. I always enjoyed talking to them. I know a lot of them. I've met a lot of them and I've never had a problem with them. But I absolutely agree with you when it comes to them, lawsuits and people critiquing them or criticizing them and them going after people. You've got to let that shit go, man. I also think that's probably, you know. But they're bullies. They're powerful. It's a few people in power who are doing these kinds of things.

83:47It doesn't necessarily mean that everybody, you know, it's not indictment by a few, right? Right. Well, you know, I don't know. I don't know the real numbers. I don't either. I don't know the real numbers. But it is a fascinating thing to me that it is possible to do something like that. But it also is very Coen Brothers-esque. You know, it's also very much like another piece of evidence that points me to the idea that the entire world that we live in is a work of fiction. It's not real. It's a part of my imagination. Because otherwise, why would this really exist? Why would actors be so vapid? I mean, have you ever met actors when you're on the scene, you're working with them, and you go, this isn't even real. There's no, you guys, you went too far. This is not believable. Did I tell you what, Daniel Day-Lewis, there's a great interview where he said, Daniel Day-Lewis said the funniest thing.

84:30Because I think he's an incredible actor, right? So I started kind of like researching him and stuff. I just waited. Yeah, he's amazing. We've talked about him on the podcast a thousand times. And he goes, he said, you know, you guys want to know about my process? He said, you know, if I stuck flowers up my jack and did cartwheels, it wouldn't really matter. The bottom line is this. I sit around all day wearing somebody else's clothing, having somebody else's thoughts, saying somebody else's words, and trying to believe all of it, basically because I am, at heart, a boring middle-class Englishman. I think he said, because I'm ashamed of being basically a boring middle-class Englishman. It was a great answer because he looked at the absurdity. Christian Bale, they were like, why do you lose weight so much?

85:07Because I'm a man, and I put makeup on, and I make believe for a living, and I've got to make it feel like real work. That guy came close to dying when he did The Machinist. That's ridiculous. I've never seen a transformation like that. A lot of people, I remember back in the day when people were first starting to do that, Robert De Niro was one of the first guys to put on weight for a movie for Raging Bull. And I was like, wow, he really got fat for that movie. That's crazy. And I read about his diet. He was just eating like a regular Italian, just fucking meatballs and pasta all day. All day. And everybody was like, wow, that's amazing. But what Christian Bale did was a thousand times hard. He literally almost starved himself to death. He's incredible. That guy is fucking incredible.

85:49Yeah, it's like, you remember that blowout when he was on, they kept playing it on radio stations where he was yelling at some guy on the set? It's because the guy on the set's a fucking idiot. He's right. That's right. If you're operating on that level of frequency where you need to really believe that you're in the scene and some asshole keeps walking around tweaking things in your line of sight that's not supposed to be there, it's maddening. That's right. And everybody knows that one pestery motherfucker that you can work with. Can ruin the whole fucking shit. Anywhere. And you know what? It's his face for the rest of his life on camera. But it's hilarious that they released that. They released that. And look, yeah, he was going crazy. But one of the things, what he was saying is you're not fucking professional. Yeah, he said, he goes, you're a nice guy. Yeah.

86:29You're a nice guy, but you're not fucking professional, man. He's right. You know, you reach a certain level of intensity, emotional intensity when you do a role like that. Again, I'm just totally talking out of my ass. I was just in Zookeeper. It's true. Okay. I was at a child's degree. That was my big part. I hear you're very good. But there's a certain intensity that you reach when you're putting yourself into a part like that. And you see some guy walking around in the background tweaking the fucking lights right in front of your eyes. Like, come on, dude. Really? Like, what the fuck are you doing, Bob? Put the lights down. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. If you're trying to be great, which is what he's trying to do, and somebody is fucking buzzing around, you can understand it. But we allow them to do like a Batman movie. You're allowed to do those piece of shit movies in there, too.

87:12Make that money, son. And then come back and do something else crazy. He's amazing. He's fucking amazing. But there's only a few of those guys. You know, there's a few of those Russell Crowes out there that really become a different guy. You know, like Russell Crowe on The Insider. It's one of my favorite movies of his. Great movie, man. Scary fucking movie, man. When you find out how much of it is based on reality. How terrifying it is. How much power the tobacco companies have. And that's sort of like what's going on. My thoughts about this whole Occupy Wall Street thing. When you look at banks and hedge fund companies and all this corruption and the financial situation that we have right now. You look at it and you're like, man, these people have been getting away with so much for so long. It's like telling them that everything has to be fair now. They're like, fuck you. Right.

87:54Like, I didn't get into this to be fair. Right. I got into this because I met my friend Tim at school. And he was two years ahead of me. And he brought me out in a limo with Coke and hookers. And they said, listen, bro, we're trading stocks. We're shorting things. We're making millions. We got this fucking town wired. And you're like, um, I want in. And then you all get together in the 80s, Gordon Gekko style, and start fucking raping the financial system. That's why they're there in the first place. They're there to make ass fuck tons of money through every possible loophole. Did you read about one of the CEO's wives who got some of the government bailout money to start a new business? Like $250 million in loans from some fucking guy who's got like billions of dollars. It's amazing. It's amazing. His wife. He had his wife do it through some snazzy loophole that they engineered into the system.

88:39You start to feel invincible. It's amazing. Well, look. The president of the United States, when you know how much they own shit, when the president of the United States says, ladies and gentlemen, poor suffering people of our country, I am going to take billions of dollars of your tax money. And I'm going to give it to these cunts that ruin these banks. And I'm real sorry about this, but they get bonuses. And their bonuses are going to be roughly half of what you're going to make in your entire life. It's going to be half a million dollars is what we're going to put a cap on it. That's the cap he was trying to put on it. He was like, we're going to put a half a million dollar cap. You're like, there's no money. Your bank is done. You can't give a bonus if there's no money. You don't have a bank anymore.

89:21The reason why you have a bank is because you took our fucking taxes and you threw it back into your system. And now everything's spinning and you want to shit out bonuses. What kind of contract do you have where you have a bonus when the bank breaks? It literally breaks. I will say that the bank... But how... I mean, what message are they telling us when the president tells all the poor people of this country, where the middle class is falling apart, poverty is an all-time level high... I'll tell you exactly what he says. 47% of all of Detroit's illiterate... I mean, literally, the infrastructure, everything's falling apart. And he's like, I'm going to limit it to a half a million dollars. Like, what? First of all, he can't limit anything. And the other thing is that... The other thing is that I think at the end of the day, the... I went to Occupy Los Angeles last night.

90:06What do you mean he can't limit anything? Well, when you... What banks will say is when you give that money, when you give that TARP money to a bank, and they're going to use it for various things, they're using it to operate their business, to keep their business afloat. And the biggest problem was that these banks came to someone like Obama. Well, actually, not to Obama, but Bush at the time. He's the fucking president. He goes to them and says, listen, no bonuses, you fucks. He's not allowed to. You still... He's not allowed to. Change the rule. He wouldn't get away with it. In other words, what I'm saying is... Get away with it with who he's the fucking president. No, no, no, what I'm saying is... Who's running shit? That tells you. The banks. He wouldn't... Yeah, the banks. The banks were too big to fail. And that's the biggest problem. When you have a bank... Oh, that's a philosophy.

90:48Well, no, but when you have a... That's a philosophical issue. It may be, but when you have a bank... When you have a situation where most economists are saying to the president, look, the central nervous system of this economy is going to collapse if you don't... I'm not saying this is good. I understand the arguments for the bailout. But the biggest problem is that these fucking... These banks weren't dealing with their own money. They were taking risks with your money. That is a huge problem. It is a huge problem. But that's not my point. My point is that you have these giant fucking... We bailed them out and we were still giving them bonuses. Exactly. They were still doling out bonuses. And the way they justified it... It shows you how blatant it is. The way they justified it was this. They said, if we don't give bonuses... Then those guys will go to other corporations and we'll go under.

91:27Yeah, suck my cock. I will say that the banks have paid back all that money, though, which is pretty impressive. That is pretty crazy. Yeah, they paid it all back. It just shows you how quick they've been stealing left and right. Good deal for the government. Good deal. The government made a lot of interest on that. Did they really? Yes. So every bank is paid back everything? The money has been paid back and they made a lot of interest. So why is the economy fixed? The economy is not fixed, I think, primarily because... It was fake. No, I think that the U.S. is having to compete with China and India and a lot of other countries. And we are truly becoming a global economy. And I don't think in a lot of ways the U.S. has gotten ready for that. But we're not making anything other than Corvettes. What else do we make that's badass? That's the problem. We make Corvettes and Cadillacs. We still...

92:05Our economy actually still is run on ideas. Although I have a Mustang, I have to say. It's pretty fucking badass. Well, the U.S. exports ideas. The U.S. is an ideal economy and that's a good thing to be. Remember, most innovation by a long shot comes out of the United States. Even the Mustang is an idea. I have a GT500. Yeah. On paper, it's a stupid car. It's got a manual transmission with a cue ball for a shifter. It's got a 540 horsepower engine. Oh, my God. The tires slide all over the place whenever you hit the gas. Tires slide in second gear all the time. It's a ridiculous car. But it's fun as fuck. And it's a truly American car. Like, you hear it, the engine, the ridiculousness of it. The excessive nature of it. All of it and the fun of it. It's got a lot of low-end torque. You hit that low-end torque on a big fucking V8 with a supercharger. You can hear the whine.

92:55The U.S. exports a lot of their ideas and fun. Their culture is fun. Rock and roll. Yeah, but that's not the only reason why our culture is fucked up. Or rather, our financial system is fucked up. It's fucked up because of corruption and greed. And what you said earlier, which I always say as well, it should be real clear. One piece of gold equals one donkey. That's my standard way of bringing it. When you start getting into derivatives and shorting and gambling, I mean, that is Vegas. You're going Vegas on here. You're gambling. But then there's also, but there is room. There is room to leverage. There is room for borrowing. There is room for credit. Okay, borrowing and credit, yes. Yeah. But why is there room for things like derivatives and shorting? A lot of those... Why do they allow... Well, a lot of those derivatives and stuff, back when it was working, a lot of those derivatives

93:38and things allowed people... When it was working. Well, it allowed people to minimize risk so that banks would lend money because they could minimize risk with derivatives. And as long as that was self-contained, derivatives put a lot of wealth back in the system. I think what happened ultimately was a lot of economists and historians are starting to talk about that this was also a function of the rise of the East. It was also a function of the fact that other countries were buying and investing in the U.S. housing market. Think about it. If you have big, big central banks who are saying, we want to buy your housing debt, what happens? That means I can bundle mortgages and sell them at a profit. Guess what? It makes it a lot cheaper. Now when people get a mortgage, it's worth something. Of course I'm going to lend you a mortgage for no money. I can make money on the mortgage. I can sell it to Germany.

94:26And a lot of it was that. A lot of it was people in this country, a lot of whom you and I know, who said, I'm going to start treating my house like it's a commodity. Not like it's a place to live, but rather a way to make money. And that was pretty fucking rampant. So a lot of this was human overreaction to a new set of rules, to a new world. And just fucking human nature. Just greed. And human nature. When they find holes in the system. Human nature. And Brian, you were saying that you went to Occupy Wall Street? What was that like? Yeah. It was exactly what I thought it was going to be. What was crazy is that I have these combat boots, like those safari combat boots I bought at a surplus store. So did they think you were a government? Yeah. I decided to wear them because of that reason. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh. I don't know. Just for fun.

95:08So you wore government-issue boots so they would think that you're a bad guy. Yeah. Just to see what would happen. Amazingly, I got a parking spot right across the street from it. None of them have cars. No, no. It was like this cop car pulled out right when I got there. And so all these people were kind of bored, sitting on the lawn, staring at me. So I come up and there's people getting their tits painted. And I'm like, this is awesome. That's good. Yeah, that's good. And then immediately I pull out my phone and this guy comes up right up to me and goes, hey man, can I have a cigarette? Like right in my face. Like he looked like Charles Manson. And I was like, oh shit. This is, yeah, sure. Get out of my face, you know? And then I keep on walking. I'm looking at my phone. Now I'm kind of freaking out a little because I'm by myself.

95:49And it is a little, I mean, I don't know if you've ever been downtown Los Angeles. It's kind of scary downtown Los Angeles. Yeah, we film a lot of Fear Factor episodes down there. Yeah. So there was kind of like this element around that area that's like, hey, there's a new apartment complex opening up for the homeless people type thing. Because it was like a village. Right. They had first aid. They had libraries. They had, you know, they had donate. There's donations coming in that feed like this whole entire like block, you know, the state capitol building or whatever. Right. And then this other guy kind of was staring at me and he comes up to me and goes, hey man, can you check the score for me? And I'm like, score for what? And he goes, Pittsburgh. And I'm like, uh, I have no idea what he's talking about. Like, I'm like, uh. So he's asking, check it on your phone? Yeah.

96:33People are asking people to Google shit for them now? So it's not, can I get a cigarette? It's not good enough now. Can you Google me the score? I don't have a cell phone. And the whole time he's like staring my phone down. So I think maybe he saw my government issued boots and was like trying to figure out, because I had like a shaved head, like a military haircut. Oh, really? And wearing like the coat from Taxi Driver or whatever, you know? Well, obviously we had Kevin Pereira from Attack of the Show on here the other day and we were talking about agent provocateurs, government people who are sent in to break up calm protests and turn them into violent protests so they can bring them in and fucking arrest everybody. It's a common tactic. It's smart, really. They get tired of all these fucking hippies and their banjos. So this guy's kind of freaking me out. So they look out for them now.

97:10I've been impressed with how, when I hear the Occupy Wall Street people, a lot of them are people who are actually educated who just can't find a job and are trying to find the answers themselves. That wasn't really the case as much as I thought it would be. This was mostly... By the way, we're not in Wall Street. This is Los Angeles. No, no, no. This is Los Angeles. There's a lot of weird offshoots. Yeah, LA doesn't really have a financial, I mean, it has a small financial district, but it's It's not like... It's not like... Yeah. I don't even know where you would occupy downtown Los Angeles. It's got clothing companies. They go near government buildings. So this guy's kind of freaking me out. He's checking me up and down and stuff like that, and I'm like, all right, this is kind of sad. That's what you get for trolling. You're fuck. I know. I know.

97:50But then my friend who's running the live stream and all the media coverage of the whole place, he called me over and so kind of rescued me. And so I go through this rap. Who's this guy? My friend C. Hang. He's C. Hung on Twitter. So there was a rap battle going on on stage because there's entertainment throughout the day. There's speakers. There's local musicians and comics, like Jeffrey Ross. Yeah, I saw Jeff do a set. Yeah. And so it was cool. I sat there and watched this rap concert for a while. People were handing off the mic and this homeless guy was like, looking guy was like, bouncing like pop cans on his head while rapping. I was like, wow, you don't see this every day, you know? So it was like the entertainment value is pretty sweet. Kind of a reason to have it. Smelled like BO though, like crazy. And then they took me to the media event where they do all the live interviews and all the

98:38media stuff. And it's all like generators and solar collectors. And then there's tons of computers. And then this girl just out of nowhere comes up to my friend C and was like, hey, I want to donate these laptops. And gave her like three laptops. Jesus. And I was like, wow, this is really badass. I need to start occupying Burbank outside of Best Buy or something, you know? Get some shit. Oh, Brian. Brian, you silly goose. But then they took me through the whole thing and there was like drum circles. There was like, it seemed pretty cool. And I guess the- I've never seen a good drum circle. Never been there where I went, fuck, this is the spot to be right now. This is the spot to be right now. And if anything, it seems like the more I walked around, I did see like the people trying to sit down and come up with solutions and ideas.

99:19So you did see the good part of what's- but the majority of it was just like, it looked like a bunch of dead heads. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think that's just going to be the case no matter what with any sort of a movement. But this is a very exciting time, man. There's never been a time where this many people have got together and had a peaceful demonstration. It was me pooping in the shit. Shitting in the street is not exactly peaceful. There's a little bit of violence involved in that. But you know, they're shitting all over the fucking street. You go anywhere near Wall Street, New York. Is that true? Yeah, yeah. They're shitting everywhere. It smells like human shit everywhere. I felt like such an ass because I had a tin can and there was those three different colors of trash cans, like the green, the black, and the blue.

99:59Oh, I'm sitting there going, which one is it? Green is grass. Blue. What's blue? That's- wait, no, it's like water bottles. This is a can. Is it black? Do I just throw it? So I'm like trying to figure it out. It's color-coded? They didn't have a- it didn't say recycling or garbage? No, it just said- it was a green trash can, a blue- Oh, that's ridiculous. I think it's supposed to be- you're supposed to know the colors. Human shit still bothering you? Yeah. Yeah, there's shit everywhere, man. Oh, God. Well, they have to. You know, there's a lot of people sleeping there, but people have their kids there and everything. They have porta-potties. This is- yeah. And sometimes we use them. And it actually was really clean. Sometimes they can. It was really clean. They can. Yeah, okay, but this- again, we're talking about the Los Angeles one. The Los Angeles one is a different animal than the New York one.

100:31New York one, man, the videos in the New York one, they're really shocking. It's like a tense- And here's what's really crazy. The- Wall Street has- not only have they donated $4.6 million to the police, but they also started hiring the police. It's something that most people don't know. You can hire a police officer for roughly $37 an hour. So all these Wall Street firms are hiring tons of cops, off-duty cops, to do paid work there. And they work as a police officer with a real badge and a real gun and the real ability to arrest, but they're working for the bank. So it's a loophole where these are police officers, but they're doing the bidding of the bank. They're doing the- they're working for the bank. They're not like the bank says, hey, police officers, can you organize your own police presence around this area and put as many police officers as you see fit, and I guess

101:25you guys work for the state, and maybe we'll throw in a picnic for you, and we'll help generate some money to pay for all this extra revenue that's going to cost you. It's like Blackwater. No, they pay them. They're paying. It's like Blackwater. Yes. Blackwater for cops. They're paying the cops. So they tell the cops where to go. Wow. I didn't know that. It's fucking crazy. I didn't know that was legal. Yes, you think it shouldn't be, but it was a- I don't- I think Koch, Mayor Koch came up with that. I think it was in the 90s that they had that. I think the biggest- Well, you know, people have always had that, though. I think the biggest threat facing all of us as far as this whole situation, talking about this, I think the real enemy is that we are slowly or maybe very quickly losing our representative government. Yes. What I mean by that is that this government, and James Madison warned about this.

102:10He said the one thing you have to be careful of in a democracy like this is special interests. Yep. Because the Constitution says you are allowed to petition your government. That's a constitutional right. It should be a constitutional right. The problem is that our country now is being run by small bands of very energetic, well-financed fanatics. And when you are a representative in the House of Representatives, if you are a congressman, if you are even a senator, but especially a congressman, you don't do a goddamn thing unless you check with that lobby, unless you check with the people that finance your campaign. And the people that have real power in Washington are fundraisers and lobbying groups. Now, James Madison said what's going to happen is these lobbyists will offset each other with their different, and it will be competing interests and stuff. It hasn't happened.

102:59In fact, what seems to be happening is that some of these groups have so much fucking money. And if you look at Potomac, where they all live, or just Washington area, that is the highest per capita income in the country. Why do they produce?