Bert Kreischer

00:00I just do a podcast say I sound like Joe Rogan but I'm not it's totally same voice everything hello everybody I'm live here with super yogi Bert Kreischer newly sober athlete resting heart rate of 47 47 that's pretty crazy man I talked I called my cardiologist right after I talked to you guys am i dying I literally was like hey Joe Rogan said I'm dying and he's like first of all he's like I respect your oakenwood please all this no pressure medicine but I read somewhere that blood pressure medicine and anti-anxiety medicine lowers your heart rate yes those are beta blockers yeah I don't not on that okay but which by the way I spiraled out and then my and I couldn't get my heart rate up as I was spiraling well so I was like I was like I'm freaking out normally my heart pulse would be through the roof I called my doctor he's like no you're healthy he's like this is what

00:54we've been shooting for is you to stop drinking so he's like let's just do what you're doing he's like have a good time with it and so uh but you have my resting heart rates low I might I've never felt better on my life to be dead serious with you how many days in are you that's right we're 12 days in say the 12th I'm one day ahead of X I quit the day before I quit the day before because I was because I listen to you guys and all the armchair doctors who were like Bert you're gonna die what you were telling us that you were drinking six doubles a day by the way I spy I talk out of my ass when I'm drunk so I don't know how much I was really drink cuz I was I was dead I was definitely terrified I was definitely terrified coming into the the homestretch of getting sober I was like I was like man am I am I gonna die like I talked to dr. Drew about it I was like

01:42hey can I like die and stuff he was like well you can have seizures but but I I stopped drinking I didn't have withdrawals that's amazing yeah so killed Amy Winehouse you know I try I've googled all this but I think Amy Winehouse is just over the top you've got a family the second you wake up till the second you pass out drinking and by the way there's on that Australian tour there were hints of that like there was not I was flying and performing every night and I drink on planes I hadn't flown sober at that time and so there was but I was I was I've always been very measured with my booze so I wasn't I wasn't going nuts did you feel good when you're doing that why did you feel when you drink it in flying and you felt bad I felt I actually felt really bad and that and I think and I think we all feeted this but I was like I was ready for this month after

02:37that Australian tour I was definitely ready that's a great way to go into not drinking is fly to Australia do a tour for two weeks and then fly back yeah I was like bring it dude you know what man I don't drink that much but I feel way better too it's weird it's like I would have like maybe a shot before I go on stage some nights but some nights not and then you know maybe someone go you want to beer yeah beer and they have one or two and then maybe I'd have a glass of wine with dinner so you know on a regular Friday night I might have four drinks and now nothing for 12 days and no pot I went off the pot - I know cuz Ari was giving me such a hard time so you crave a quick quick part you're out of sight I was like all right I told Tommy I was like I'm just gonna quit not tell them and then break it at DEA at the end of the month like it's easy the pots been easy

03:27but the dreams have been different it is really interesting well when you don't smoke pot your dreams like rap up it makes me think like what no honestly like I just completely objectively I mean Wieck that can't be good did not be dreaming like right probably something happening I was my first few days of not drinking I couldn't get out of lucid dreaming and I was I was having intense lucid dreams where I was well aware I was asleep but I knew that if I could just I knew but I knew that I was dreaming and I was like don't get out of this you're having fun and so uhm yeah but dreaming has been intense by the way the really my favorite thing is just sleeping good like I waking up at 6:00 in the morning and going like feel good oh that and man and that by the way and I I know that you're like Bertie like a uber fan of podcasters there's like a lot of

04:19people I have been introduced to through your podcast and like Brenda Shah was one of my favorite people I love that guy he's awesome and he gets coffee all the time I look at that that gives me panic when I see him get a coffee for the past year I've been like dude how the is he doing that I mean when I drink I can't drink coffee cuz I start shaking I get way too blood sugary like really yes just regular coffee I've had coffee I haven't had like a cup of coffee and probably like maybe like eight months now what is it about coffee is it do you put some in coffee no just coffee just black coffee so yeah cuz it's my blood Sugar's low from drinking I didn't sleep well I have a cup of coffee and it just would and then I would be like how does Brendan take naps in the middle of day like I could understand that dude I enjoy getting up and going to Starbucks and getting a

05:09coffee more than I ever enjoyed going to a bar it is I get up and I feel like I'm part of the community I like say hi to people we we landed from that first sober flight I took done I know that I'm gonna sound like a child when we landed it was me and Brendon Brendon Walsh was on my flight and he and he was like officer randomly here and him is at my flight I'd talked to him through text the night before and I was like dude I'll see on the plane we got to LAX and he was like yeah I'm hitting up sober October with you I'm not gonna drink either and I was like awesome man really yeah I said this and I've never said this I go hey do you want to get a cup of coffee and he was like sure we both got coffees at like 10:00 in the morning at the airport I was like oh I got a whole day ahead of me like I got coffee and me like dude I had the funnest Sunday I've ever had that when I got

05:56home that night I was like I won't be able to see about a cup of coffee I want right to sleep are you worried that that this is like right now you're in this really great place right yeah you're healthy you're feeling good you're sleeping good but are you are you thinking that this is just a vacation from your other life or are you changing your life my therapist when my therapist when this started he said do not do this challenge I think it's a really bad idea I was like really he was yeah therapist do you have I've heard this like Cristina was mad at him yesterday that my therapist yeah yeah is this therapist telling him that cuz she's got a good therapist that she really likes but I just don't maybe your therapist doesn't trust you no he said he said to me at one point he goes so how you feeling I said good I'm not having like any epiphany I wish I had an epiphany I

06:42don't I don't know Matt Epiphany I'm just enjoying it I'm really having a good time I was like I don't know if I don't know how I'm gonna get back into drinking he's like that's why you shouldn't done this if you want to quit drinking you should have just done it for yourself you shouldn't done it out of spite for Tom orient Cho but it's not spite it's a fun little challenge like look I'm gonna do 15 yoga classes in a month I'm loving but we're doing yoga that's great but do you really want to have an obligation to have to do you know three a week yeah you do it yeah dude I can only work in those parameters work to the extremes mmm like when we said no pot no booze I was like I'm cool cuz I'm not gonna smoke pot if I'm not drinking booze right I'm a teetotaler like I take things too I take things to an extreme cuz that's the way I can help compartmentalize things but I think my

07:26question was like at the end of this month well November 1st rolls around yeah are you gonna just go get up well obviously yeah I'm gonna be with Ari in New Orleans we're doing the Impractical I'm gonna cruise dope up first Oh Ari big J Tony inch cliff Sarah Tiana like we're all gonna be on the cruise with the Impractical Jokers those Impractical Jokers guys are killing it dude they did the Greek I saw 6,000 people insane mobbed and I would love to have sat in the front row where they sat me and on their show but I can't man I would love as a comic to be like I'm better than this the man they for get up there and they have such great chemistry and they're showing like inside clips and it's just a multimedia event oh so it's not like stand-up it's like a bunch of different stuff that they do like they show like pranks they play on people no they don't show they show more

08:23pictures from like their childhood or like things that are there because they've known each other forever then when they were younger they tell stories about them traveling together it's it rich is really a great show like imagine if from me you and Arion Tom did a show at the store and we talked about sober October Tom and I would have a bunch of stuff very quickly that we could talk about our hot yoga class and re and all our texts like like one of my favorite things ever is when the eve of sober October re put us re such a he puts out all our texts privately behind that we haven't been sharing with you on Instagram and Tonko and tell me that isn't giving you panic right now because I don't know what I've said like we've all been like Jones not quitting weed and then re man had already managed this coup d'etat against you for pray for Joe look I know Ari gets a lot of online and

09:13everyone's been with Ari but I will tell you this has been exponentially fun because of his involvement because this is right in his little swing zone yeah when when you said your when you said I'm not I'm not quitting weed yeah Ari then branched off to me and Tom he's like gentlemen get ready for the assault on Joe that's a good idea it always like no it's happening I want you to get your comments ready I want them to send in we're gonna workshop each other's comments I want you to be the first comments on this video that I post on this thing saying Joe's not taking part of sober October so we're all sending Tom I love Tom to death be such a his first draft I was like this will not be working it's too too pleasant to Joe we're gonna burn I will rewrite this for you well Ari has been he I think he's handling this the least like he's he's struggling like kidneys

10:05saying this is hard for me than any of you and I'm like I think he's being serious I think he likes the marijuana for self medication he does and you know he has set his life up and I think if anyone looks at hard from the outside in he said in his life up for him yeah he's got his he's got a nice piece of cake yeah great apartment in does what he wants East Village he's got all his friends they all go out every night he's got you know he's and he's one of the funnest guys if you ever go to New York to just call him up and go what's the plan for today he's like I don't know let's get lost let's go find some lobster somewhere but he's taking it seriously he got mad the other day when I was with them and I sent that text saying that I listened to your podcast sorry and it seems you haven't been doing all the poses but good news is there's still plenty of days of the month to make up

10:51for this the 15 different hot yoga classes and he took it seriously not Superman the Hat struck panic in me if you had told me hey Burt those ones don't count but you could start up you still up fifty days I would be like off dude I was only with them and then my second I had to - wing attack that was the first level and the second level was like look just go to classes and whatever things that you didn't do from the other classes you just redo him on the honor system we don't have to do the whole class just stand around like I was totally with him but he took it seriously he's also by himself in this I feel like like he's in New York yeah so like well text messages are weird man so yeah it's not a good way to with people because you know you look at his serious yeah you like to look at any go listen we're all professional comedians and you're the rudest one out of all of us he said he

11:44hope you Ralph's heed oh yeah I hope you Ralphie to like and he was like no I hope you Ralphie and I was like oh you want me to die yeah he's been he is the most flame-throwing burn the bridge down kind of guy it's awesome yeah he's hilarious but I think that one of the things that stinks and I wish this had been part of the better we should have stayed in I wish he had you had gotten him that yellow Corvette yeah and I wished he had stayed in LA this entire month and been able to be a part of it because there is a communal yeah like wouldn't like today you're like hey podcast at 1:30 you want to go yoga at 10:30 meeting at 10:00 I would have loved that yeah and like I love Tom will text me and go like this and this is it's the fun littleness of this competition is like Tom's like hey I can only go to 4:30 are you going to 12:30 and I'm like yeah and then Tom will be

12:38like well / - no show I'm like all the hamburger giant he is by the way we having fun with each other but honestly I think our he's taking it seriously like all that pray for Joe Joe's a weed addict didn't bother me yeah I thought it was funny I was laughing I reposted a lot of it oh that was that was the biggest dude I went onstage when do you see that first night and people were like people like we should take a moment of silence and I was like you know take a moment silence everyone bow their head and we prayed for you it was so much fun meanwhile is like not smoking we'd for 11 days is one of the easiest things I've ever done in my life it's not hard at all I just don't smoke pot it's not like wow how I go on I've been having some great sets so that's have been fun no sir I've done probably in the 12 nights are probably done like nine eight eight or

13:38nine sets that's the most sets I've done no we'd ever really yeah like since I started smoking pot like 20 years ago I'm a real I did I did spots at the store the other night and I had great set stone sober and I you know what's so funny is I I have a lot of apologies to issue on this podcast there's a lot of things that I said when we were drinking that I then did and when I guess I was a little wrong about that like what like number one is I don't drink on stage like I didn't realize that there's a demonstrating not drinking on stage and having a drink with you on stage there's a little bit of a comfort level knowing I can kill this drink and I don't have to deal with this like and that first night that Saturday night I went home with no booze for both shows and on that late show I was like oh I could use a cocktail and I definitely drink on stage like I was

14:31like I wouldn't mind a cocktail right now so you were thinking before that you didn't drink on stage I say I go I dance the truth is I don't mind performing sober I enjoy it but I would say like if you had said so do you get drunk on stage like no never but I definitely bring drinks on stage with me right but I couldn't like if you had a breathalyzer test like being on stage was driving would you get arrested yeah that's number one apology issued number two is a treadmills are not real running no I told you dude you gotta come do my course do the course I do with me it's ruthless Oh running hills that's that's where it's at man dude let's just say I didn't really like I brought on the treadmill all the time and I'm I can easily run under a ten-minute mile I go on the road and my first set of miles was like 12 minute miles and I was I was in pain yeah and I was like whoa this is

15:29not the same and then I got to a 10-minute mile I was like that feels like a sprint but you know you can get do we show you those treadmills that are like running they're really expensive yeah I thought about getting one but so what I do now is I'm doing got some sort of deal with them what are they sponsors go to Rogue rogue athletics the the guys who made the reverse hyper machine that we have in the back and I'm actually called true form yeah pull this out so we can see what it looks like but this thing is different because it's at you're actually pushing your own bodyweight there's no machine behind it it's just got friction to it and it's got like a slope and you run up on it and it really is like the closest thing to running I still think actual running is better but that is a very close second according to about 5,000 bucks they're really expensive trip is so expensive

16:24they hit you up no I'm saying hey true form hit me up yeah hey true form will do it free ads what we do in a free ad for you right now you can afford that that's a lot of money well some people can you know I mean for sure some people would be willing if you had to have one piece of equipment in your house you know and you budgeted it out five thousand bucks it's probably worth it if you could actually use it and get in great shape with it but I really feel like the best way to do it is to just go outside I mean I think like especially if you can go somewhere where there's like a dirt trail and like a lake to look at it makes it more interesting it's been it's been one of the cool things about not drinking and getting out and doing road work is uh my wife calls it source energy of like getting out there and going like oh it's beautiful yeah life is really beautiful

17:09yeah I go to the park that like where Jojo used to live right by this park I used to go there all the time I see Joey and and I go to this park once every morning we go my wife will walk it and I run it and I'm loving it so what I'm doing is I'm doing roadwork like three times a week and then twice we could get on the treadmill just settle I'm terrified of injury and then not being able to run so I don't and I'm trying to run five days a week what you worried about like planner or something plant you had that for a while plantar fasciitis is terrifying that shin splints you get in the middle of your foot like where are you getting that likes it like a visitor foot like right towards the heel yeah and then sometimes it'll happen inside the heel and you'll feel it like when your heel touches the ground it feels like glass when you first started doing yoga are you noticing were you

17:56noticing rather that your foot was like unstable and that like it's hurt it hurts your feet to try to balance on one foot and do the poses III did not notice that per se I did notice that what I noticed it and the one thing that is I've got it what is the reason I will continue doing hot yoga or yoga in general maybe but I probably hot yoga sigh like the sweat is um my feet are stronger yeah like were a lot stronger like I I was gonna say to Bobby Kelly I was gonna text him and go hey man you should start going to hot yoga he has the same problem with plantar fasciitis that I do and go it really has strengthened my feet and when I run now I have no pain in my feet yeah it makes a big difference is Bobby still heavy oh yeah he's oh he's going on a diet I was I was gonna say this girl we should fat shame him and get him healthy yeah I don't not that close to them I can't

18:45with him I can with you guys you gotta know who you can with and who's gonna take it serious like I feel like I can't with Ari anymore like he takes it seriously he just needs to get he's over the hump of hot yoga he needs a he needs to get high yeah he needs a little weed and a hug you might need a little we love you Ari yeah I love you are usually that we're with you but he took it too hard I think like when all the arteries of Welch or when people are getting mad at them and attacking him online you know people find like a little sore spot or a little area where they can attack it they go after you yeah they don't understand like like how many people were going after you guys when you were doing Thomas fat and Berta's fat you guys were going after each other for a joke but people were jumping in for serious I hope you'll say really hateful things there's a website that

19:32some guy has I guess he believes it's a comedy website but it's just his really nasty things about me and then he's like just one choice for savages savagery only and I'm like amen I'm a professional comedian I know the funniest people in the world those aren't really like great jokes like they're really like Bert's children will die alone like oh cool man thanks Oh like that was the one thing was like I don't know but also you got to realize that these these people a lot these people that are throwing their Molotov cocktails in the party they don't they'd like they just want to get a response they just want you to hurt you so that you can respond like that's the one thing that I will say like ours been pretty visible on my Instagram comments like he's going right back in people you I'm not a Walter you and I'm part of me goes are you don't even read them I don't read the

20:23comments anymore everything that with the Tom and Burt is fat thing I stop reading comments all together so I was like oh they don't I make my kids I go don't touch my comments you guys all worked out some sort of a deal right like Ari is gonna pay for something he's Arty's it that's other part is like Ari had I don't know why he bounced to South Asia I think he wanted to go on the trip with us but he'd already planned this trip to Asia he was like I'll take care of you when we get back and so I think we're going to the Super Bowl in February or we're going to the NFC Championship in January and or he's gonna pay for it Ari's nothing but fluid money so he's got no dependents yeah and we've all known that and part of me like I kind of enjoyed though I kind of enjoyed the wealth moniker yeah but he didn't but I didn't enjoy being called did you see the Tom posted when

21:11a Ralphie died no what do you put I've seen it no can you pull up his Instagram by the way I didn't enjoy this yeah take a look was it oh Jesus Christ so has had to hear about the passing of Ralphie May his heart was bigger than its stomach honestly I've always been intrigued but comments were kind of hilarious off stage what is total sweetheart every time I saw him big hug Rafi and it's a picture of me Wow and you're smelling something with no beer in your underwear and drinking fireball we're just Daniels in Philly at Preston and Steve you're on a radio show yeah on the other guys are great yeah they are on the other side is M night Shyamalan what are those shorts they are shyness t bathing suit it's Jean bathing suit Jesus and M night shamalamadingdong was on the pot on the show with you he was only show two and he was he like he's really cool is he yeah he was really

22:05cool really interesting that guy knocked it out of the park once I would argue twice I would show you a couple that aw the signs with Mel Gibson that one's locked swing for the fences which one when the plants come to kill you now split like so was that good its but it's equal to that I'm breakable oh you know what I'm like though okay I'll say twice I like that elevator one the devil was in the elevator maybe I won't either it's pretty good yeah but the first one six cents that was great do me and a black guy sat in the lobby just have random black guy a random black guy who's sitting behind this and we both realized that that he was dead at the same time and we lost her and then walked out to the lobby together and started I didn't know this guy I said this is the coolest thing about a movie me and this guy have nothing in common where he's got cover

22:55he's dreads tattoos and me and him sat in the lobby and broke down the movie I didn't know him but we were just sharing our realizations together mm-hmm I was like oh wait wait wait hold on a second hold on so what and like both and I was I was one of my favorite experiences after a movie it's like when total strangers get together and they're like shut up hold on wait what happened I was great yeah those movies where people don't know they're dead or weird like Beetlejuice remember that oh yeah remember they died in the river the car fell in the river I don't like movies like Beetlejuice or like or like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory did a new one I don't like any I can't watch anything where um there's a little bit of fantasy like fantasy type thing does that make sense no I could not watch Charlie in a chocolate factory when I was a kid Oh the old one yeah I

23:45never saw the new ones I wouldn't watch it the new one was the thing was just called Willy Wonka right was anyone called the Johnny Depp one what he tight like this all the way around the it came from a book called Charlie and saw a factory the first movie was really Wonka and the remake was the one with giant that was Charlie the China factor ah yeah what don't you like about those I don't know that like Alice in Wonderland anything about like I don't know if it's like a bad trip type fantasy hmm they freak me out man did you see the new Alice in Wonderland with Johnny Depp and he played the Mad Hatter I won't watch it it's great uh watch I enjoyed the out of it it's real on yeah it's fun do you just freak out yeah like there was a movie that really freaked me out I think was called clown about this dad who gets his kid a clown for his birthday and a clown didn't show

24:34up so he goes down to the basement and he finds a clown outfit and he puts it on and he's the clown for the kid and then that night he can't get the nose off and it meshes into his body I couldn't oh do this movie that's a good movie me I couldn't watch it I started watching it I was like no I can't tell me a trailer young Jaime oh my god are you freaking out yeah this I don't like clowns but buddy the green inferno he made but the cannibals and South America I think no good yeah it's on Netflix I think is it a horror movie yeah yeah I'm sure people were dying he's really good made that uh hostel movie he's also in he was faster glorious back he was badass right he's the bear Jew yeah you know why I keep hearing it's amazing is the new Blade Runner movie but it's not doing good in the box office apparently they had to sign non-disclosure errs when they went to

25:31review it yeah where they couldn't reveal anything about the movie all right give me give me some volume here we'll play the trailer here perfect physically get it up it's suffocating one two whoa it's not a constant skin of a demon dude no matter what I say Wow dude things aren't all right the sound is very loud distorted whoa a that dude I'm watching that tonight are you kidding me he makes the cassette got some really good movies that have come out over the last couple of years what it what is he famous for I believe hostile is the first one he made that I'm not watching this movie then clown - there was a part - he came back okay watch the trailer for clown - oh is it I don't know look pretty violent get deep in there see what happens oh ha ha ha I have the outfit on maybe not same people mm same people this is the 2017 version just a time for us to binge this is what I'm gonna do in

28:39the new studio Bert we're gonna watch some up movies and do like fight companions for up movies funny movies oh it's not real oh man I can't I'm scary movies I get rugged legit scared like I get to the point where I go I don't know why it's like jumping out of an airplane I go I don't know why I'm doing this I don't know I don't know if I enjoyed this hmm like I saw the when I started never seen in the ring in the movie theater and I was screaming so bad people laughing why do you get scared I don't know did you see the new it movie no I would never I saw the original it I was like I was I I was like Stephen King's probably pretty good thriller and this clown showed up and I couldn't stop watching the original Holmes on TV wasn't it yeah yeah I don't like clowns I'll never grow clown makeup that'll never happen really I did once I got mauled by a bull

29:36there's only time I've ever put clown makeup on oh go to Eddie Bravo's Instagram page and check out this new bullfighting thing they're doing there's a there Newt doing this new bullfighting thing where they don't actually fight the Bulls these are acrobats and they stand in front of the bull the bull charges them and they flip over the bull dude people are taking to a totally next level watch this oh shut up yeah nonviolent bullfighting so they don't kill the bull and like this is probably first of all it's way more interesting I don't feel bad watching it I mean I'm gonna feel bad this guy eventually gets a horn through his which is probably gonna happen but I'm not rooting for the bull like I'm kind of rooting for the bull when I see Matadors yeah not even kind of I think bullfighting is completely I think if you want to shoot a bull and kill it and eat it I get that but you

30:33should do it humanely and you should you know you should do it where you're you're you know what you're doing you shoot the bull in the head or wherever you gonna shoot it in the heart and get it over with but they stab those things with these long Spears and they poison them they do a lot of but this is to me way more dangerous way more brave way more interesting to watch oh it's the which addresses a major concern amongst animal rights activists what does the Bulls aren't getting hurt but this is non-violent bullfighting oh I think we're just watching a loop that's what it is so it says Olli well this is the guide dpk DP for K dot M I follow him on Instagram he's a radical anti like anti factory farming animal rights activist guy or girl I don't know if it's a guy or a girl honestly I'm just sexist but uh his page this person's page her page whatever is just filled with animal

31:35rights stuff it's always animal rights stuff we went to a bullfight in I think in Madrid or Barcelona me and my buddy we told we were 22 we know what it was we were like yeah we gotta go to a bullfight right man we were both of us were like this is really upset yeah we were kids that's like when you'd be like oh yeah but both of us were like well they killed up like it really is up really a sad but this guy put up that I found out about this guy this animal rights guy and I followed his page because he put up a picture of a friend of my friend Adam green trees in Hawaii in a Hawaii Australia because in Australia they hunt feral cats and this guy was holding up a cat like a house cat that they shot and killed and the reason why they do that is because feral house cats in Australia are an invasive species and they are devastating the local ecology they destroy ground

32:28nesting birds they kill everything and there's a large population of them they actually have a bounty on feral cats in Australia see they've made they made some terrible mistakes with conservation in Australia and one of the mistakes they've done like over and over again is introduced invasive species to the continent see Australia didn't the Predators in Australia are they used to have the Tasmanian Tiger they have dingoes and they have crocodiles which are just the monsters they're ruthless they have legacy saltwater crocodiles and then of course sharks on the outside but then they introduced a bunch of animals to both Australia and New Zealand to hunt they introduced fallow deer and stags and a lot of different things taxing on mostly in New Zealand but in pigs wild pigs these things went everywhere they're all over the place they also introduced a bunch of different like

33:24rabbits and things along those lines and when they did that all about rabbits forget what it was but they brought in cats and foxes to deal with some of the other species but then the cats and the foxes don't just kill the species they want them to kill they kill all these other things that had no idea what a cat was yeah there was no feral cats there and so now they have a real problem with them where they just they they have they run the risk I know this guy who's an animal rights activist his thought is he's seeing this monster shooting someone's pet but it's most likely not someone's pet it's most likely a feral cat there's thousands of them hundreds of thousands of them in Australia and there a giant issue they hire people to kill them because they're devastating all these animals that had no idea what a cat was so it's a much more complex issue than a lot of these

34:13animal rights activists understand and I was thrown off because Adam Greentree my buddy gave me a bow hunting magazine from Australia when I was there visiting him and I was going through it on the plane and there's pictures of guys holding up cats they shot and I was like what in the is wrong with you Australians but when it's explained to you by someone who lives there it's not like we hate house cats these are not house cats this is like going out and shooting you know a bobcat that's been killing all the local grouse you know like if you introduced a cat into the area that wasn't supposed to be there and it was devastating all the other animals so you have one of two options either you just let everything go extinct and don't handle it or you try to clean up the mess that your ancestors sort of started before you like nutria yeah nutria is a good example yeah yeah

35:03yeah it's a very good example those things is giant rat things by the way I have to I have to take two seconds talking about Adam green tree he's like my new favorite obsession he's awesome he you tweeted out you got to watch my buddy on this hunt when when I was in Australia and I was like all my time zones were all up and I was not sleeping and I got obsessed with that hunt he did started in Colorado ended up in Montana yeah I got obsessed with it and it was so much fun to watch and then when he got off the hunt I was like well I guess I'll just wait for the next one well explain what the thing is he was so low he would he went backpacking and he was covering and I'm by the way I speak big I'm probably wrong he was covering like 15 miles a day on fluently easy easily and not just flat walk-up mountains you got a you got a glass these things I'm but I feel like I know

35:52I'm a hunter from watching this video every day he would post it on his instace stories and and he was looking he find elk and he was hunting elk and he would find elk but it wasn't the one he wanted and like he'd see this out he's like six pointer or six six something this point yeah he's like this is a six point but it's not the right one I was it was they were young yeah I want to shoot a young animal he wanted to shoot an old mature animal and and then at one point there was a bear tracking him and I'm like yeah not just tracking him charging him and you know he was getting he's doing an Instagram story of these bears charging I mean one of the Instagram pictures it's him holding up a gun and you see the bear in the background standing on its hind legs when I posted that his likes or his followers went from the beginning when he started this quest it was at seventy

36:39five thousand followers by the end of this trip he had doubled to over one hundred and fifty what is yet now Adam dot Greentree he just got renewed his vows with his beautiful wife Kim know the guy like you've never met him no I got to introduce you to him he's gonna be here yeah he's gonna be here soon what does he got now yeah 162 is that what it says yeah when we started when he started this trip rather look at those pictures of grizzly bear footprints in the ground right next to his footprint Hey look how big those goddamn things are and if you're interested in these Instagram stories right now my friend Remy Warren just posted another crazy Instagram story about their time on a fog nack I and in Alaska where they got attacked by a giant Kodiak bear they got attacked by a 1,000 pound bear one of the guys wound up riding the bear on its back they that

37:39bear charged them everybody scattered one of the guys hit the bear in the face with trekking poles one guy got knocked up into the air wound up on the Bears back as the bear was running down the hill for like 2 or 3 steps he was literally riding this bears back who's this guy Remy what Remy Warren he's another friend of mine who's one of the like there's like there's a lot with him right now full of like the best bow hunters in the world and I'm privileged to know but Adams most certainly one of them so it was Remy my favorite my all-time favorites always gonna be Cameron name's Cameron hands is starting if that's Remy like he's got some pictures and videos of the the hunt that they went on in a fog neck but he had they had killed an elk and that's the elk down there the one with one antler and the he had broken off one of his antlers fighting and they were cutting

38:28this antler this elk up and packing it out and then they set it down and they were just sitting down eating lunch and they didn't have their guns on them they didn't they just were just unprepared and with no warning this 1,000 pound bear charged them just ran right at them into the camp just decided that he wanted that elk and it was just chaos and everybody scattered and you know thanked thankfully everyone was okay but they got as close to death as possible I was talking to Remy about it on the phone yesterday was telling me that literally inches away from his face he was seeing gnashing teeth like inches away dude what in the man what's even like I mean that's that's a crate like I can't I can't wrap my head around just about following at him I couldn't wrap my head around what he was doing yeah I give it he like flew to Montana cuz he didn't like the hunt in Colorado we flew to

39:21Montana he drove or drove to Montana then he left the car and then just went he got long yeah well he knows where he's going because he has his GPS and he knows how to follow there's a thing called onyx Maps you could you know you download the maps to your phone and then you can you can stretch your phone out and he was using solar pad yeah I tried silence followed all his gear girls went camping then when I came in Sunday this is so silly that this is like how life works and by the way I think anyone who's a podcast panel get this is I'm following Adam I'm watching his stories and he's showing all this pack stuff he's got and me and the girls are getting ready to go to to REI and I went I'm gonna get some of his like some of his stuff cuz I know he's I know that he's right only rocking the best off yeah and the girls were getting ready go camping I'm gonna be home that next weekend by

40:10myself so I go on I start looking at thing and then I'm watching his stories LeAnn's watching me and he's like he does some video of the sun shining and he goes look him it's Cameron Haines is smile and I I get the joke and I start laughing and Lanza's who the he watching and who the Cameron Hayes I'm like other friends of mine I don't even know these dudes but I go there but you know but I follow them and no giggling well you could be friends with him I just have to introduce you yeah I'd last one night with Adam who doesn't drink doesn't do drugs great I'd be in his camp going first of all we're hovering on anybody out here Adam like we're gonna sit here sober and bears gonna do you sober right now I know that was one of the things that he was saying he's like no drug no drink this is what I do well he had his father had a real problem yeah and so he's averse to it

40:56completely I have some friends that have experienced alcoholism like or abusive alcoholism from their parents and they have the same feeling they just don't want to have anything to do with it it's they see how it just wrecks people and ruins people and I'll tell you man I don't feel that way because I've enjoyed drinking and I've never really had a terrible thing happen to me because of drinking but being sober over these last 12 days or whatever the it's been and being at comedy clubs every night and seeing sloppy drunks like I've seen three or four like bridge like the other night at the store some unbelievably drunk guy wanted to have a conversation with me from like two inches away you know you know that sloppy drunk close talk type thing I'm like who the who does this sober zero people yeah this is one of the worst things about alcohols like the

41:45people don't understand boundaries or how they come off or what they sound like and there's bad things - you're a great drunk by the way you know you're you're like one of my favorite drunks because you're so used to it you manage it well you're like a black belt and being drunk so it's like with all the problems that you've had with your health with drinking too much you relative a you come off like pretty easy you're you're a fun guy to be around when you're drinking it's not you don't have a problem yeah in that sense because like we all know like people that drink and then just go they go dark and they get mean you know and they get angry you know I've seen that not that that was the diet I never have had that I think that's also part of the problem is that I'm a good drunk and everyone enjoys me and I'm a nice guy I'm a sweet guy and I think that's the reason even

42:31my wife's like I don't think II have a problem I don't think I have a problem but like the woman's with me a lot yeah I mean she wouldn't be the one to know but she's like but I health-wise has changed my health I'm that's the program Jenny I ran six miles in under an hour the other day that's quite fast for me that's very good and yeah and it made like and so health-wise I feel amazing yeah that's 18 miles in three hours yeah well I couldn't keep that pace but imagine if you did yeah that's like that's really good 9-minute 20ma nine minutes 20 miles of marathon 26 is a marathon in four hours yeah that's amazing I'm doing a half marathon I signed up for a half marathon I this is gonna sound silly but just to keep myself on the rails mm-hmm like I know I don't want to lose the fitness I like right feet I like feeling good I like feeling strong this is was my question initially

43:24it feels like you this is a sprint this is not a change in your lifestyle like I feel like I'm what I'm worried about is it's like you just get it like this is great I feel great I've never felt better and then whoo off the rails we kept planning but it was almost like you're planning to go off the rails like this is just like I'm gonna go together for a month and then no I I talked to Tom and post about this a lot but like I I don't want to stop partying but I don't want partying to be I don't want I think it got out of control in the sense that like I was it was like I get onstage and have a cocktail I mean I drink a soda one time on stage and then lost her minds like I killed it because they just assumed it's whiskey right right right I think I'd like to find a middle ground of like of like where I can go and have a good time I want to quit drinking on planes that's number one

44:18that's my thing I'm focus on this month no booze on planes and then I wouldn't mind skate like working out hard like I think I always say I work out but like legit working out is not what I've been doing yeah like when you do a 90 minute hot yoga class you realize what suffering really is ten minutes into our first class big Tom looked over me and he goes well you can't do this and I'm looking at him I'm like why he goes ten minute gets going ten minutes then you go 15 minutes at an hour he goes I'm done I'm done I can't do 30 more minutes and and and then when we go you know when you get on your back and you put your arms out mm-hm and Tom just reached over and grabs my hand and holds it tight like a lover get me the out of here and it's gotten easier and like things that we couldn't do now we can do and is we've only been in like six classes but we're

45:12getting better at it and we're enjoying it more and like everyone knows us because we're the two big bears in there and but Tom got in trouble for drinking water one thought he drink water during the poses can't do that you have to wait until both poses are done yeah is that one set too he got so pissed he went to go drink one of them like Tom now water and he was like and looked around to me like we're kidding me he's he's a guy oh yeah guys the ones that tell you no water the girls are like if you'd like to drink water please do it when we're done with the pose oh is that you like you're everyone's working together this is the idea that Bikram does is that you're all working together and that if you interrupt the work to drink water you're sending a bad message like you're not in the community you know cuz there's something about those classes it's like I've done yoga

46:10by myself you know I have an app on my phone and it'll timeout all the poses and stuff like that I can I can do it but I do a lot of working out by myself I do a lot of doing and running and everything I do by myself I know how to motivate myself but it's so much better to do it in a class it holds you accountable yeah it holds you accountable and it's like there's no you this is gonna be your and a to hold this pose for 30 seconds period this is 30 seconds you know and you do it as much as you can your feet are shaking and do my favorite one is my favorite one is this one you go down here and sit here yeah I love that pose I just because I was a catcher so it's like it goes right back to my strength works I love that pose I go deep when she goes down I go deep that and the the plain one where you come on good one Tom and Tom and I have been talking about doing

47:04a calendar yoga yoga 12 months me and Tom in different poses together that's a great idea Jamie you would take the photography do a couple put couples poses down by the beach we're talking about Jamie we want to do a Bikram hot sweaty maybe both of us in speedos oh yeah and and and hold our favorite poses we I'd wear those in a heartbeat the second we win in the first class we went in Tom goes uh he sees a guy in a speedo knee goes how are you not wearing a speedo he's like this is your whole thing and I was like I don't know my favorite Tommy Bond story in yoga our instructor starts telling a story you know like in between poses he's telling a story in like the first 30 minutes of class about his son and him in New York and his son walking and his son being out of breath and whatnot and then continues on with the poses last 30 minutes of class we are panting we're on our

48:06stomachs face to the left hands down by your side and I here taught in a silent class I hear Tom go hey man okay what happened he's just talking loud as it scared the out of me cuz what happened with you and your son in New York excuse me Congress you never finished your story man I've been waiting for this end of this story and you just kept dragging like any I am shaking next on board shut the up Tom yoga that was it Tom goes oh so funny did you see the video we did with the girl oh did you see the girl the video we did with the girl Laura Ackerman she seemed she was so cool was she the instructors ever no she was just a person in class oh the look on our face when when we go machine is you know it's caught me the tank you haven't seen it I thought she called you the minute you know you're the machine know what here play the video and watch the look on my face when I go we're

49:15doing with our friend Ari Shaffir do you know our sphere she said no no no no play the video Jaime this is yeah the look on my mom's face when she says she knows Ari we lose our hi yoga class number two how did we do yeah we shocked you when we said we were doing no alcohol no weed this month huh yeah oh let's hope blow our heads and pray for yo you ready one two three namaste Joe our thoughts and prayers are with you this week in Vegas as we know you'll be using the cannabis yeah Joe's also donating a hundred percent shoutout to Joe Rogan on that good job good job Joe and Ari do you know our euros you do but you know party severe said that the instructor like oh he is dude he is so theirs if you like it stand up you would love being his friend cuz he's so dry yeah in their dreams he does in that class or he's not trying to be funny as being hot songs to do that in

50:37class to just talking in the middle of class Oh God they do tell some terrible stories though cuz they have you held hostage yeah cuz you're in the middle of you go you know oh I said one time the lady goes Bert it's the one where you pull your foot up and you're supposed to kick your foot out she was Bert grab the bottom of your foot I go I can't um fat and then she goes there's people fatter than you in this class by the way I always on Tom's weight he's actually looking really good I think hot yoga is really clicking with him oh yeah he can get much deeper into poses than I can I have a hard time getting into deep poses but he really has changed his life weight the exact same Joe yeah but he's probably more muscular than you know a lot more skin something about him just seems more fit you don't like 219 or something what were you at the weight loss challenge

51:34I was the low point to 19 to 22 isn't it crazy you're lighter now and you're not dehydrating yourself well I took total measurements of my body cuz I'm curious to see at the end of the month mm-hmm everyone said it I look like I'm deflated you look thin my face looks yeah healthier and so I took measures of my stomach's my arms my legs and just to see like like what the shift was I was 220 for the day West I stopped drinking well your face looks different like your eyes like you used to have the I've been drinking bags yeah now that a lot of people get yeah 6 1 to 24 chest 47 and are you talking about your dick yeah so you're doing that at the beginning and then when you get to the end you're gonna check yourself again now what are you eating you eating healthy are you eating just whatever you want well I mean healthy for like two-thirds of the day

52:26okay like like I'm eating really healthy and I'm doing this I saw this on a podcast you did with some girl about not intermittent fasting and fasting for 13 12 hours yeah that's called intermittent fasting yeah you're doing that I'm doing intermittent fasting but by the way 14 is what I think they recommend really talk that's your last meals at 5 p.m. or just eat at 10 p.m. and then don't eat until noon I have my last meal is that mid at 8 p.m. last night last thing I put my mouth was at 8 p.m. I do 7 and 9 I have dinner at 7 and then I don't eat until 9:00 in the morning and when I eat in the morning I drink butter coffee like before I work out I just have coffee with grass-fed butter and MCT oil that's what I've been doing that's your first that starts your thing yeah yeah could I go 14 hours every day without eating I've been eating a lot of I shouldn't say every day five six days a

53:17week I go I try to do 12 hours every day and then the first thing I do is I drink two huge things of water and then that immediately mmm like as soon as I have those yeah and and then and then and then I'll eat I try to eat healthy in the morning I'll heat healthy in the afternoon after hot yoga man I I I cannot say no to a candy bar like I don't know if it's my if my blood Sugar's all probably yeah but I'm like I come home and I'm like I need something sweet yeah but no I'll eat a really healthy dinner yeah it's probably exactly what it is you know your body's craving glucose it must be I had asked or Barse I ate it so good yesterday so many calories I mean I don't know how many calories you burn is 715 they say that's it seven or fifteen that sounds about right well it depends on the effort you know like if you do it a hundred percent like I can coast through

54:10a class or I can do everything at 100% and the day I've done both and the difference in the way I feel at the end is significantly different I did one class that was a mix up it wasn't Bikram it was hot yoga mm-hmm and it was a it was like a little diff and that we did all 26 poses but we also did flow in between them yeah that was really tough I thought that's the kind you went to I was like I'm never going to Joe's one because it was like downward dog Cobra warrior one warrior two Wednesday's do you really yeah that's my ones dick that's a hard very hard class yeah and they add a humidity to it oh really yeah I don't know they said just I said I walked in I was very confident with my wife's best friend and I was like they're like have you ever done that you're gonna I said yeah I do Bikram and they're like we're a little different I was like no I it's I get it it'll be but

55:05it's the same supposes right sig now there's some flow in between and we add humidity so stand by the door like make sure you're matched by the door so they must have like a humidifier in the room or something I guess and so I was by the door and it was so much hotter in there right that it was like burning my eyes and mouth and they would open the door and then when they open the door I was like thank God well we got a sauna that we're putting in the new studio it's actually in already so I can't wait to see this new song oh dude it's the Playhouse we're gonna have the best Playhouse ever oh so exciting this is happening we were set it set to move on Monday you're gonna move on Monday on Monday we got to do a podcast me you Tommy and Ari again one more time when we're back partying go get Ari hi first you have them down bring them back to baseline I tied back to happy Ari I

55:54will tell you I miss I I've never had a real one of marijuana like I'll smoke it but I've never been a guy that like gets high on my own mmm is marijuana marijuana it's a great thing but it's also a great thing to just be alive and be yourself and take a month off of everything I I'm enjoying this I'm enjoying this 12 months I have zero cravings yeah you know I one thing that I miss I wish there was non-alcoholic wine that tasted the same because I really do enjoy wine I like wine with a nice meal yeah like you know I work hard and I when I'm done working I like to go to a restaurant and have a nice meal or sit at home maybe cook for myself have an detoxing they called the crocodile shakes um having a like a steak and some wine one of the great pleasures yes the only thing I'm missing I've only wanted booze one day this whole run and that was at the Rams game cold beer on a hot day a

56:55nice cold beer I was a beautiful day and I was with two buddies and one and their kid and I was like and they were like here we're gonna go to the the Corona little bar area to get a drink I was like okay and I hung out and I was like I definitely want a cold beer and a hot dog and some peanuts and then just oh and then and then that that trade off you do with your friends how you're gonna go up and get beers grab me grab me one and then they come back you got a oh and but in all honesty I gotta be honest with you I I really enjoyed being the designated driver I've never done that so like I was like I'll Drive everybody I'm responsible it was really cool to show up and see my kids and be like that stone sober you know what I like I like a cold beer when you're fishing oh come on right like a Modelo or something you know like a Modelo amber nice freezing cold where you're reaching to

57:50the cooler and the ice is falling off the bottle and you crack that Oh or a Heineken I could cold Heineken sounds Oh Sam Adams sounds amazing right now frosty cold Sam Adams no it tastes so good I want to be on the on the water like fishing with a cold Sam Adams what would be the drink what would be the drink if you're sitting on the beach on a beach bar in like Saint Martins and the sun's getting ready to set and somebody was hurt can I get you a drink what would be your drink right then margarita yeah it's cold it's got the ice it's got the salt around the rim then I got a floater on Tarla tequila's always meaning your party and drinking tequila you're partying all I can't wait I can't wait like it start again I'm gonna be with Ahri's Halloween night mmm at 11 o'clock or he's like you started used for standard time then at 11 o'clock in New Orleans we get to have our first drink

58:56it's I cannot wait you guys are gonna be in Halloween you're gonna be in New Orleans Halloween we're gonna be straight quarter your kids gonna tweak on that so you're not gonna be with your kids on Halloween they were a little upset yeah you guys have a job no well daddy has to work yeah get over it's just a day folks yeah they were a little upset about Halloween but if we find in New Orleans we go out that night I was I was sorry and I've been talking about it but I was like we'll go to a nice dinner we'll go out to the French Quarter a little later see everyone hang out be sober and then come 11 p.m. cuckoo now when are you going to you gonna do Halloween with your kids at all are you just gonna write it off I can't how long you gone for I come back to I think Ari and I are going to a Saints bucks game on the sixth and then me Sal Vulcano and Nate bargatze were doing the joy theater

59:55this evening of the sixth okay so then you're a homo seventh why don't you dress up like a clown when you get home my daughter eyelid loves dressing as a clown and it reads me the out she buys different wigs on Amazon and has him sent and just throws them on and puts makeup on her face are you gonna wake up she's gonna be at the foot of the bed that would freak me out the worst is someone dressed as a clown in my room dude I don't like that what is it about clowns of freak people I was that you don't know who's really under that makeup there's like a weird thing right and also the kind of choices that you have to make in your life where you wind up being a grown person being a clown like what did you up like what what demons are you hiding what mistakes have you made John Wayne Gacy really up being a clown he did because he was a that was like the one we were like oh

60:43there's something sinister underneath there maybe that's where it started maybe that's where it all started with people it had to write didn't that killed like 30-something kids and burn him all in his backyard did you ever see what they did a movie on him do you ever see what he would do he would oh god what did he call himself he had a name for his clown wasn't Pennywise Pennywise is from it I was better so Pennywise Puu he would take he would take trick handcuffs and he'd go to he'd bring a kid to his house and say here put these on me and then he put him on and then he'd go behind his back and he'd undo it you go I got out in the kid like wait how did you do that and he like here I'll show you turn around and then you get real handcuffs and handcuff the kid and then killed him oh so he wanted the element of fear and terror not just killing the kid he wanted to

61:37freak the kid out he wanted to trick them mother I'm two steps ahead of that I'm all I am so caught I got offered a threesome my last night of drinking in DC a car to do with being a baby these two girls were like let's go to strip club I'm like cool they're dating and we get there and I'm like my spidey sense just shows up and they're like you're in an open relationship right and I was like like no not at all and they're like oh well let's get your drink and Martha part of me is like oh they're roofing me I think they're gonna rob me like they don't want to me why would who wants to me they're gonna roofie me get me to a hotel room and then take my watch off take my ring take go through my wallet take my cash out yeah they didn't obviously they didn't I'm a little oversensitive about like that but I they got me a drink I've talked it back up to the bar I go hey

62:31make me a new drink and they were like what I go out I didn't see this one come to me I'll make me a new drink I'll pay for both I don't give a make me a new drink and then I said the lady I was like hey don't let anyone bring me a drink but you just you brings me a drink well it was like okay dude you're paranoid I am very paranoid about that have you have you ever been roofied yeah four times really yeah when just a party and I was the party animal in college and so people would just drop it in your drink for a goof having the first time I happened to me it was a bar you used to be called the first I they tore down the first but it was a place right next door to the first over on that side of campus and happened to me a my my beer was fizzing up and I was like that's odd I killed it next you know I end up in my roommates dog bed the next day I'm like

63:21what happened and they're like yeah you got you gotta slip something cuz you were out of it you were talking to the dog and that was the first time and then it just is how I got slipped acid one time by a guy at a party he's like any thinking you a party and I was like yeah definitely he's like alright and then next thing no he's like hey man enjoy the trip and I was like why would you do that so how did he give it to you put it my drink and then kept drinking and I end up in a hotel room in the mirror and I'm looking in my eye and in my I can see my reflection of me and my eye and and my buddy Mike Osbourne it shouldn't say his name well sorry said they he had drank some of my same drink from sharing the pings a big like 32 ounce cup and I'm staring at my eye into my eye and I'm like I don't I don't feel right I really don't feel right and I look at Osbourne

64:09and he's Mikey sitting in the bathtub he's like these are my feet I was like I think we got slipped something man he's like he's like you with that one guy this is Lambda Chi I said yeah he goes yeah he was putting acid in your drink he put ass from your drink yeah I took off your drink and I was like ah but it's happened I have a one time in Phoenix it was about to happen I thought it's gonna happen this kid was really adamant about me doing a shot with him and I said to him I was like yo man you're not roofie in the army are you kid looking to be dead serious he goes hey man no offense what am I doing with this body I go what he was how am I getting you out of here you see a wheel barrel like oh yeah good call well he didn't have to carry you out to roofie you yeah just roofie and leave you there but the guy left in the dog bed that's the part of the part of

64:55it of you know it terrifies me of like you know I don't get I don't smoke joints people give me I don't I don't really do coke but people give me coke a lot like I don't do anyone's drugs that they give it a man like I'm I appreciate the offer but I'm gonna pass don't smoke weed with people anymore I um had a guy in Cleveland that uh wanted to do a he look like a cop like completely like their cop he was asking me where to get DMT it was like what it was like a fit looking guy with a crew-cut who was like real sketchy I'm like what and he goes yeah man where can I get some DMT I go what are you talking about and I'm like look at him as I come on man you know when I go I don't know once you tell me what you know I go what are you talking about man will you a cop and he looked at me and next thing you know he's gone it was real sketchy and I was like these I can't be getting high

65:46with people I don't know you know you don't know people you never know you like you run into someone and they put anything in your joint like who knows could be angel dust and I know a guy who that happened - he got slipped angel dust in his weed yeah the I had a comic I've had comics I'm the go-to when comics get in trouble on the road I always get the phone call going hey man I'm I need to run something by you I'm freaked out something happen to me has it ever happened to you right and I had a comic call me and when I was in DC he was like him I got slipped something last night and I don't like I'm still a little sketchy but I want to just run it by you I know that this stuff's happened to you and I talked to him we talked for about an hour he was getting then he's like alright I gotta go the show I appreciate it but I feel like a lot better knowing that I'm not the only one

66:31that's happened to but yeah I mean you're you know people can do it if they're you never know someone's motivations I mean you get it's nice to believe that almost everybody you meet is great and most people you'll look you could live your life and never meet it one single sick who wants a roofie you you could be really lucky or you could run into one the first night you decide to take drinks from people that's happened to a lot of people especially women I know so many women who have been drugged oh so many girls I've dated girls who are friends with people I've dated girls who are dating friends of mine got drugged at a bar it's so common every girl when she gets a drink from bar has to literally like keep her eye on the drink the hole she gets it from the bartender or some if somebody gives it to her boy you're already taking a chance you've already lost the chain of

67:24custody right some guy grabs it from the bartender who knows what he did before he gives it to you and there's a bunch of twisted men out there man really there's fucked-up people everywhere but there is a lot of fucked-up men I think we've been talking about this a lot this Bill Cosby thing that I think that that was a part of what men did back then oh it was super common yeah Hugh Hefner used to call him panty droppers and that this this is like noted they like oh there was nothing wrong with giving a girl a quaalude it's a panty dropper some girl wrote a book and said that when she first met half he offered her a quaalude yeah but see here's one thing do you want a quaalude yes I do give someone a quaalude and they take it and then they're up there's another thing to give someone a quaalude and they don't know what they're taking that yes and I think he

68:13did that a lot and I think that was these two boats slipping someone a Mickey yeah Bill Cosby yeah and that's a different animal and there's another thing giving someone something because you want to them and they don't want to you like oh you don't want to me hey you want a quaalude and now you're gonna me because you know yeah it's just it's just something really up about wanting that yeah no I I I say - I kind of sailed out with all this sexual harassment all the dirt that's gonna run like oh how did I dodge how did I dot like how like it's because I got married younger like but I just never was into that well you first of all you're not a producer who's holding employment over someone's head and trying to get them to suck your dick yeah there's a big difference between having you know unsavory male behavior that would be difficult to defend because you're trying to get laid

69:04versus what you're seeing and what people are furious about rightly so is predatory behavior by a person who's in power affecting someone's employment and career right is I was talking with Whitney Cummings about this and you know cuz Whitney obviously she's a female prominent actress comedian you know she's been originals and yeah and she knows a lot of these people she was saying what you're not hearing is how many women sucked his dick and got a big part sucked his dick and made it into a movie yeah got like fart like it was a negotiating tactic like he he was just that's how he dated I mean that's how he got laid it's like straight up predatory and then her friend had a really good point she was like what's up about it is not that he did it she was obviously that's up but what's also up is that that was the culture yeah that's what those guys did before there was the internet before

70:05like there was any accountability at all like in the 70s and the 60s like that is what all those guys did that's what they did like in a lot of those starlets they that's how that's you got to pay to play and that's what they did they had to these guys like that's literally how it all went down it's crazy I always thought that I always thought that whenever I got something like Elliott Gould I did a pilot together and he left his number in my in my dressing room he's like we should go to dinner one night and I was like ah I'm gonna have to him and I kept know I kept dodging him I kept dodging him he'd call him back bird it's Elliott I still would like to take you to a seafood dinner and I was like okay so then we went to seafood dinner down in the lighting in Venice was just dinner was really nice and we talked about he was such a sweet guy and then and then randomly I saw him

71:03like five years later or maybe more than that maybe eight years later and I had Georgia and Isla and I was with Leanna knows with my man Lee Ann's dad we were walking from Baja Fresh by the Screen Actors Guild we were walking out of Baja Fresh and Elliott saw me and he's like Burt its Elliott my wife's dad's like you know Elliott Gould knows like he gave me he we were in this pilot together and he was playing a blind guy and we were doing pickups we just couldn't get the line right the line was that the girl came in Liz Vasi came in she was the bride we were at the bout to get married and she sees us all drinking I'm the best man and she's like hey wait can I have a beer and then I'm supposed to go of course that's all I had to say of course but they I wasn't getting the of course right they wanted the of course to really navigate that that me and her were cool like they wanted to

71:54make sure that we were cool so I mean the whole network ser CBS is all there it's like 11:30 at night we've shot the pilot we just need this pickup I did it like 12 times and then Elliott is a blind guy behind me and he leans into my name is bird how would you say it and I said what do you mean go say it the way you'd say it then just lean it stands back up so she comes in she go uh-uh hey kind of beer I go as a duck's ass watertight get over here it's everyone laughs kits a big laugh and then the director comes up gets right as my face goes hey you're me in the ass right now do you understand me you are me in the ass you will never work again any walks away Elliott's thinner mommy goes sorry you will never work again the gut poor guy was as losing his mind but still that the so that's Connie it's not the same thing as the sexual harassment but as there's this thing of the power

72:50over you the power to like literally hold your career hostage you will never work again like that is that that's always the big threat the black I mean how many people have you heard were black bald right you always hear that you always see like Brett Butler was black black balls remember there will be grace under fire she's to be on that show day and then you'd invite wait let's just talk about the side stories you'd hear about Brett Butler that they share when you were young and you'd go into a meeting you don't turn into Brett Butler yeah sitting out locking herself up in a tree throwing oranges at everybody yeah like what I I can't talk about it and then you're like what the kind of crazy person is purpler I met Brett Butler doing Good Morning America one time she was a sweetest person woman well she went through some apparently she's been pretty open about it you know and

73:36she did Charlie Sheen's newer show the newer show and in the newer show like she was kind of like that was part of the premise like she was a bartender yeah he was kind of alluding to the fact that she had made some gigantic mistakes and it was kind of like a play to her like who she actually was but she was on that show grace under fire and Chuck Lorre the same guy that did two and a Half Men with Charlie Sheen was a guy running it and she's really drink in his face and said something horrible and nasty I don't know what she said I don't want to misquote but it was something along the lines of you know no wonder why your life left you if you're right like this something long less what really yeah yeah yeah like people look I've seen people lose their mind when they go from being no one to like in a short amount of time being the star it's grace under fire

74:29with Brett Butler its Rose aunt like Roseanne talked about it when she was on the podcast she was saying I lost my mind god I went crazy she's like and she's you know Rose hands the best by the way you ever meet her yeah he's awesome I love that lady yeah I love her but she was talking about she's like I went crazy she goes you know all sudden I'm I went from being this housewife you know having no money to being the star of this giant sitcom that was like at the time when she was on Roseanne what was it like for channels and that was a legit good show giant show John Goodman's our husband that show was giant she was the queen of the world there dude they were doing that I know the executive producer my buddies is producing it that's amazing yeah he's like he's like dude it's so much fun I'm sure I was like really like yeah he talked about the the writing staff is like nor MacDonald yeah

75:25Morgan Murphy yeah like just killer killers killers but you know but Roseanne is in a position that you and I will never be in because it's not even possible to be in that position anymore because there's so many more stars now because there's so many more venues or so many more channels like you were just talking about we're talking about Impractical Jokers think about those guys who are giant right now right those guys are on truTV what the is truTV then I was even watching that right it doesn't matter they made it through and truTV right Sebastian's a giant star from what from Showtime who the hell saw that coming right the only sense Gallagher Gallagher was the last guy to get giant through Showtime and now it's Sebastian right so it's ten comics in the country making money so that time Bank yeah think about all the different possibilities all the different YouTube

76:14stars all the different cable shows all the different you know there's so many Netflix shows so many stand-up specials it's a different world now as a star she was one of maybe 20 stars you know I'm saying now there's 20,000 it's a different world it is enough but I think the hubris cut is still rides with it I know I know I'm guilty of a tie at times you can get carried away and also the pressure of a show right on your back - that's another thing to take into consideration you have all these other people that are around you and they all have their own little thing then they've with you and it erodes your own concentration and your own vision and sometimes like hey hey hey it's my show it's the Bert Kreischer experience I'm gonna do it my way everybody shut the up gimme a drink you know I mean that's how it all starts I mean that's an that's probably what happened with Charlie

77:10Sheen you know that's probably what happens with a lot of these people they just get they get whacked out and I think also there's a there's a thing that happens to when you do a bad show it's a particular type of off the rails when you know you're doing an unsatisfying bad show and I think that was one of the things that was happening to Charlie Sheen Muse on Two and a Half Men cuz that was a bad show and he was a great actor platoon dude Wall Street I mean go back and look at his his catalogue of films that he was in amazing movies Charlie Sheen was legit and all sudden he's delivering these wacky punchlines to a canned laughs machine yeah it's like and he's just doing blow and he's got a try and he's just who knows what he's doing I don't even get HIV I mean he might be the if he got it through straight sex he might be the only guy ever that's what

78:03they say yeah like literally who else you know I mean it's a Magic Johnson you know they say Tommy Morrison right sometimes everybody I've heard some things I mean I think who knows who knows what people are doing who knows but it ain't a whole lot of guys it's a tiny little handful Kinnison used to have a bit about it really you know they say Sam they say aids aids the communicable disease heterosexuals divert to dance yeah that was his one of his bits that got him really really criticized but then people were like wait a minute is he right I had some people from the CDC kind of my show in Atlanta one time and we were joking around and I said something about what it like why I like tell me about diseases tell me like I'm trying I was trying to think of a bit like trying to like pick their brains for something and the guy goes I'll tell you one joke we

79:03have so what's that and he goes you know we call a straight guy with AIDS I said what he was a liar oh wow well it could be a intravenous drug users yeah I mean you could I tried to uncle's died from HIV but they think was drugs well there's that and there's also the medication they give the people that was apparently a giant issue in the 80s and the 90s was that AZT that they were giving him a ZT apparently used to be a chemotherapy medication and we was killing people quicker than cancer was so they stopped giving it to cancer patients and there was a lot of like real confusing when aids first came about you know there was a lot like I remember there was some local story some story in Boston about some scientist was trying to say that AIDS was a derivative of the herpes virus yeah they didn't know what the it was when it first burst on the scene and by the way dude everybody

79:58thought they had it you know I'm older than you but I got my first blood test for HIV in 1993 and I was my pants I was thinking about every one-night stand on the road every freaky girl let's do shots next thing you know your raw dog in some dirty hotel room and look oh my god am I gonna die you know you start thinking I was so scared so scared and then when it came back clean I was like and I was like I'm I'm only gonna wear condoms from here on out it's a good clean bill of health when you got mine in 95 my first AIDS test was terrifying and I by the way I'd only been with two chicks ever but one of the girls had slept around with a lot of guys gave me the clap two chicks and I got the clap that's hilarious the Johnny grabs know the clap the doctor I went into the doctor just got back from Russia she slept with my best friend was one of the guys she hits up a few I get

80:54the clap like it's burning I go into the doctor and I'm like I'm having like a burning sensation but and I'm trying to get in front of this I'm like you know I I when I was did a hike in Switzerland I drank out of a trough so it's probably through that and it was like now did you a cow because you got the clap around by the way now like I was 22 at the time now I realized this guy was probably just 27 you know who wasn't grown up where's the kid yeah and he goes I have you've been around I said I just got back from Europe I hadn't had sex with anybody here's ago your girlfriend's cheating on you and I was like no I don't think so isn't it funny to them it's like so obvious and objective yeah you know it's like come on man your girlfriend it happens all the time so you know no no no not bad doing she's a rose she's beautiful she's a life impossible you

81:45let me ask you a question when you go to a bar you and your dick split up so we can cover more territory that's like excuse me because when you go to a bar when you gotta youngest you and your dick take off in different territories to cover more more surface area and then meet up at the end and I go this is who we I don't know and he goes then your girlfriend's cheating on you still or man get rid of her she's a she's a I remember being like I thought he's a grown-up now I know he's just a kid he's just a kid music yeah and I was like that's impossible gives us a man I can give you the test maybe the test if you want or I can just give you the medication you can get rid of it and I was like oh give me the test that's I'm telling you she's not and then he did that tab you ever had the test where they put the q-tip in your dick you've never had that no it is not rough

82:27one of the most painful things I've ever felt my entire lysis puts the q-tip how far down down he swabs it he's swab oh how deep halfway I guess so two inches well I mean halfway for me is like five foot nine body probably about an inch he goes in and swabs it and as soon as he told me goes grab onto the side of the table is gonna hurt and as soon as he did it I was like she's a I had an ex-girlfriend it went away she went to spring break came back with rug burn on her back I was lower back I was like wow she just came because some cockamamie story about she was drinking and she rubbed up against a nail she was drinking and leaning up against the fence like you rub it up against a nail all over your lower back we will bear just wrong drunk you'd have to be to scratch up your lower back on a nail like it was the dumbest excuse ever and I was like okay oh that same girl we went to New

83:35Orleans to Mardi Gras I was with my buddies my buddy Mike Osbourne us with my all my buddies is the first time I ever did coke we're all partying having a great time and they're like burger you got to make out with some chicks I go nah man I got a girlfriend I'm not going to no look you don't have any beads I go I don't give a I'm not gonna cheat on her and then we run into her and she is covered in beat no my buddies are like how do you think she got those I was like they just give them the girls oh thank God for those like it's great to get out of your system to get those like you I'm so much more grateful from my wife because she's not that type of person I'm glad I had those well it's good to lower your expectations too because imagine if you like married your high school sweetheart you met when you were 16 you fell in love she broke your virginity you broke hers and then one

84:21day when you're 35 you come home and she's getting gorilla by a personal trainer who looks like Emmitt Smith he's just stuffing her in the corner of a couch and just hammering it you walk in the house it smells like like what it smell like and in here like what the is going on and you hear noise you've never heard and you walk in the room right ladies jizz in her face Oh imagine the heartbreak see now like haven't gone you know what happened to me there's a girl that I was dating we weren't like kind of I don't think we were like we weren't like boyfriend and girlfriend we were definitely having sex and fooling around and I think I was 17 at the time and she was 16 and I did have a paper route where I'd get up in the morning and deliver papers yeah and I would deliver papers every day 365 days a year so I was up at 4 o'clock in the morning on Sunday Sunday was the big day so

85:26Saturday night people are out drinking they're still out I'm getting up in the morning and I'm leaving right so it it avoided a lot of nonsense in my life like as far as partying when I was younger I've barely party when I was in high school really barely GI was because I was fighting I was fighting and I was getting up in the morning and delivering newspapers so those two things just knocked out all the booze I gives a few moments like one or two times at parties a handful of times maybe I drank and smoked the joint or something so many but most of the time squeaky clean just worried about you know being hungover and getting my ass kicked and trying stuff like that so yeah I was a up childhood but we've worked out but anyway I get up at 4 o'clock in the morning go deliver newspapers I go outside this girl that I was dating is making out with one of my friends in the front seat of a car

86:13they're both up right in front of my house cuz the guy was my friend he was also friends with my sister and my sister was friends with the girl and so the two of them were making small town oh yeah Newton Upper Falls we live in a small town and just outside a master of Boston and they're making out right in front of my house so I'm like I'm awake sober I'm looking at them they're probably drunk they're in the car grabbing tits and dicks and like that and I just slam my hand on the hood and what then I got in the car and drove off oh shut up yeah but it was good it was good I was like okay cuz I wasn't sure like are we dating we boys boyfriend and girlfriend like I wanna be your girlfriend are we gonna do this wing and a new boyfriend girl who's that kind of thing like her weak aiding or we're just fooling around who we definitely having sex but it was

87:07like I just not I just stopped having this one girlfriend that I had and I didn't know if I wanted a girlfriend anymore it was like a lot of weird when you're 17 but it's good to just see that early like okay yeah this is a good like it's good to just be devastating the girl that I was dating she moved away she moved to the other side of the state and I went to visit her and I drove all the way to visit her and when I got there she didn't have sex with me I was like what like she was like very manipulative like she she was a very she was it was obviously she's 17 people are weird when they're that age right yeah but she was just clearly knowing and I wanted it and just deciding not to and just was what but now I've let so that was a super valuable lesson of being like a needy weirdo you know you because when you're 18 you're so needy and just you could be annoying and if one person wants

88:04something too much it turns the other person off you know it's like it becomes this weird little thing that you do dude not to segue into a very creepy area but I like saying that saying that I've been going through this a little bit my oldest daughter is starting to grow up and she doesn't need us as much and I mean it goes from being like this little girl that just everything dad let's go on a bike ride dad let's go let's go catch in the front yard to like hey George let's go on a bike ride like I'm busy how old now 13 yeah that's when it happens hormones man yeah and it's been it's been I think I tend to that needy guy like of going like and I said to my wife I said I'm not handling this properly like because I want to get angry I go whoo come on like I called her the other day I go after the after the Rams game I go ahead we're going over the hay slips and she was like um

88:55she's like 13 and she goes ah this is the first I'm hearing of this and later what do you mean you're my kid I will meet you there she goes dad it's a school night it's an early night we should probably and I go no no no no no like she just wants her distance she wants to be home right like reading a book or sort of personal sovereignty she wants to be able to control her own life right yeah but I was like there's gotta be a dad's book out there of like how you deal with your child not wanting to be around you hmm like she asked me to do this thing where I drop him off the 9gl I love you until they couldn't hear me anymore like until they were far away like I just go I love you like I love you I love you and like other kids we staring at him she said to me the other day she goes hey why do you do that I was like come on it I don't know you don't like it she just I there's kids that don't

89:44know me that don't know that it's a joke and I could be better if you didn't do that no it's like okay I've been doing this since she was a little girl I was just like all right yeah yeah yeah yeah I can see how that was creepy and I was like man like I don't like you can't do that when they're 30 you know like dad dad my kids are gonna wake up yeah your dad loves ya but there is this needy dude in me that I do feel like it's it's part of a breakup you know when you're gonna break up and you love someone they they're like I just need my space oh yeah you'd be like but hold on wait or what this me Madoka the movies anymore or something and you'd start panicking oh yeah I started having that with my daughter and I said to my wife I go just you know like I'm not processing her independence well like like I just part of me wants her to need me you know of course and

90:34she doesn't know that she needs me she wants and totally healthy for her to establish herself as her own person and you know doing stuff but man like I all I can see is it's just gonna get harder well there's one thing to take any consideration that you really can't fix and that's you're on the road a lot yeah you know when kids are not around you all the time and then when you're there you're really overbearing it's like hey I'm used to my own space and now you're with me and you're yelling I love you at school and stop yeah stop you're ruining my thing I'm working on my thing and you're stepping in and it up yeah and it's like you know Oh like you don't think about I don't think about the product I put out I don't think that there's videos of me and speedos or you know I don't think of that stuff but I'm sure that there's kids in our school that googled me and

91:20and said something or like I can't imagine what kind of footprint I leave behind that she's got to sweep up and go and I never thought about that before but now I'm starting to realize it now my god like I said in the other day Georgie goes I want to watch um I want to watch parts of the Caribbean five the last one the six whatever and I was like I don't want to watch that and we start fighting about it and I just want us to be together as a family Stone sober obviously and I have a moment of on a Segway I feel like I things up I was on the road for seven years okay I feel like I just should never done Travel Channel I will always feel that way I will always feel that regret but these are the moments that I need in my life where we can all be a family and if you guys don't have it I was gone for so long I get it I get it but understand that if someone could just give an inch

92:05so that we can just hang out and watch this movie it would mean a lot to me okay I'm going to store I'm gonna get fish I'll be back and George is just pops up she goes go to the store with you I was like mom I was like oh and then I was like oh no I want to go to the store so we go to the store again handle it though that's yeah I mean look you can't fix the past I can acknowledge that maybe it wasn't ideal and that's a great thing man to have that kind of honesty because that's a great lesson to your kid that you know like if you have made mistakes don't pretend you haven't don't gloss over it just talk about it like talk about your feelings honestly I mean I think a lot of us were frustrated by the way we were raised in that regard the parents never anybody ever saying they did anything wrong ever ever yeah you know I never my dad never once so I'm sorry they didn't say that

92:54then nobody said that back then you kids shut the up and go outside yeah that's what you heard like nobody taught you anything you just let you know it's just like what you did parents went to school our parents went to work rather and you went to school and then when you got home from school there was nobody there you got a key you let yourself in the house and you figured it out stupid yeah totes I mean there's none of that today how to make one meal and that's what you ate all the times that's what you made yourself mine was a frog in a hole well you put the hole in the bread and put a egg in the middle of the bread and then you flip it you ever had that no you ever had that Jamie I don't call it that then what do you call it yeah it's really great it's the only thing I knew how to make mmm you just put out you take a cup and you cut the center out of bread and then you crack

93:39an egg and you do an egg inside that centre and you let it grill and then you flip it over there was the only thing I know how to make I must be eating the hundreds of those huh yeah we used to have to cook like one night a week we'd have to cook really the whole family yeah knows in high school yeah so I learned how to cook can I tell you and I don't know if there's they've their sponsor your podcast but can I tell you one of the things that keeps my family together is blue apron I swear to god yeah they're sponsored the fact that the fact that they come in and my kids will eat something different and we cook a meal for four and my daughters will be like what is it tonight what's a blue apron right and we have dinner at least twice a week we get two meals from them a week at least twice a week we do a blue apron well the good thing about it is how easy it is and there's no

94:25waste because everything is proportioned the step-by-step photographic instructions makes it super easy it's a great great service it really is I started selling wine the sort of Sun and why now yeah this month this month that's just this month you start saying for me they just started sending me wine it's nice isn't it I really do like why I like it I was I was I did six months sober when I first started dating Leanne yeh told me that we just wanted to be sober wanted to be sober and the first night I drank was in Venice Italy or Venice Italy huh were there restaurant tiny restaurant we're walking through the restaurant it starts snowing now two days after after New Year's Eve starts snowing and I'm like this is great so we go to dinner and now it's dumping you see it out the window it's dumping and Leanne's like let's just get lost tonight and I'm like oh

95:18yeah and I go I need I want to drink I want a cocktail I want a glass of wine I want to enjoy this and I said where I go I really want a glass twice you guys have one who gives a have one so I have a glass of wine I have a couple glass of wine we go out and we get lost in the streets of Venice and we're just hopping in bar to bar having a glass of wine and then walking around one of the best nights of my life and I was like thank you alcohol well isn't it different though in Italy like Italy's really nice in that regard like this there's just a more relaxed atmosphere like at restaurants places that you go it's like a different feel you know there's we we are making a mistake with the way we live our lives you know I think that the pressure to succeed the hustle and bustle that people have is not counterbalance in this country by relaxation and enjoyment and like family

96:10time and like a nice long meal and like appreciating the rest we don't appreciate the rest we appreciate a person who sleeps three hours a night and is just hustling all day long constantly hustling hustling there's something to hard work and hustle but man I think it should be counterbalanced and I always feel that when I go to Italy I mean we've gone to Italy my family two summers in a row and every time we go there it's just delicious food and relaxation and you're at the beach and at the water and just having a couple of drinks and kicking back and it's like my holes being just just it feel like all the just goes away like I don't pay attention to the news I don't pay attention to I tell my manager my agent you can't get a hold of me I'm gone I'm gone for seven eight days whatever it is just leave me alone whatever it is put the fire out and I'm just gonna be eating pasta and just go

97:07to these churches check out these beautiful places I mean I went to the Colosseum one year the next year we went to some beautiful Church in Ravello and you see all these amazing places where you're just seeing places that are a thousand plus years old and food that's just incredible you're eating sardines that are fresh right out of the water and pasta with squid and oh and the wine and it's just and you're just not thinking about anything but just laughing and relaxing and I think that's look I'm as gogogo as anybody but I'm learning as I get older that you got to also have you got to balance that out and you can't like you can't like have that other on reserve while you're while you're relaxing you can't like be checking your phone and checking your Twitter and checking your email constantly you've got to slide that aside you got to leave it in the room and the safe you got to

98:01do something you got to you got to just not pay attention you got to just somehow another figure out a way to let go and it's taken me a while to learn how to do that man I was always like if you're not moving forward you're falling behind you know that's that's always been my thought process I have this up like aggressive competitive thought process do more than the next guy that's how you get ahead that's not always the case especially in our business which is so dependent upon creativity and the mind and I think your mind like you want you want your mind to be in a good place you know I think like if you're in my mind is always in a bit the best place when I have good relationships with my friends my family that's what my minds in the best place that's the most important to cultivate that is the most important thing but a lot of times we think the most important thing is like

98:48financial success so the most important thing is this or that these things get that in order you know we're going to get a new house so we're gonna get a new thing or if this and that that's how like those things aren't bad to have or to as a goal but clearly your base has got to be I hate to sound corny but it's got to be things matters of the heart it's got to be friends and loved ones and family it's got to be your children and your wife and your mom and your your the people that you care about like yet those people like have good times with those people like happiness like that you have to have that if you do not have that all that other stuff is if you don't have friends that love you and you love them and you like legitimately happy to see them and you have laughs together and fun together then all the money in the world won't mean anything just it will be zero you have a zero

99:43happiness register you know you will register zero pleasure from any financial success if you know you and your best friends hate each other yeah I mean it's just you can't have that that's not that's not what light you know and a lot of selfish people lose track of that they don't understand how important the tribe is how important community is I didn't I didn't at all I didn't understand that at all I up until this month as a month yeah I was man I have been at a full pace at a full clip this entire year starting from when we did that weight loss challenge to when you guys not that Australian tour I've been at a full pace and I and I had this I had a couple realizations one of them was if I don't talk to Joey Diaz in like a month then I'm working too hard like who's Joey stone yeah and I and and Joey's Joey I think Christina you know Christina said the same thing to me when

100:44I did their podcast so if you're working too much I'm working every week I feel like I'm very blessed to be in this situation that people want to see me do comedy so I'm like I'm in there every fine week and Joey was like dog I'd do two weeks a month that's it if I can't spend time with my family and do my podcast who gives a oh yeah so all right you know he just lights up yeah and I was like yeah I'm working too hard I'm working way too hard yeah that's my schedule my schedules two weeks a month I've been saying that forever that's not all I want to do two weekends a month you know people say oh you're going on tour when do you leave like when do I leave I leave Thursday I'm back on Monday like we're talking about I don't go for very long I usually leave Friday morning and I'm back on Sunday like I'm not this is not I'm not touring yeah I'm not gonna go somewhere for 30 days that I

101:30can't do that oh I know I'm doing that I am doing that coming up but are you I'm gonna do I'm doing two tours this year ones I got legit what the first ones I think starting in June it's the call in sick to work tour and I think I'm gonna do with two other comics we got a tour bus and we're gonna do some venues did you organize it already I'm on the process and we're in the process well why if you've already decided that two weeks a month is better cuz because I don't do what you guys do so you and Tom tour very differently than I do because you guys are doing theaters so you can add shows and it's a big deal and you're getting a lot more bang for your buck I think when you do a theater I'm still doing clubs I think the money's probably your the monies difference if you're getting a higher percentage but you got to be there Wednesday night Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday fly home Monday

102:21and those just add up into like you don't have to do that you don't have to do that I don't know I never did that I know but you can stop doing Wednesdays in like the 90s no Wednesday fine Wednesday to do press on Thursday yeah stop doing that but I feel grateful for those places that had me in when I wasn't selling tickets and so I know what you're saying DC wide sold out a month ahead of time but I go kennelly it's my buddy he's been supporting my whole career I will be there for Thursday more impressed with him that's very nice of you that's very nice you but it's bad for your health very bad for your health what'd you call in call in when you're on the road but what I'd like to do is like I would like to do go ahead and get with some of my friends get on a tour bus and not kill myself with the travel and do you know like straight out 14 dates ten dates do the tour make some

103:08money and then go and be at the store and right right and because that's what you guys do and I I never do the straight tours you have the straight tours I just don't think they're healthy I don't like them they wear you out you're always tired you wake up in the morning you gotta get to the gym get to the gym get something to eat how many more hours for the show two hours I'm gonna try to take a nap yeah you always wind up being worn out and that's the thing that I don't feel happy like I feel happy when I'm home more you know like I just I don't like I can't go 30 days I can't do 30 days most I can do is uh is because a Travel Channel but I can do two weeks like in two weeks and at the end of two weeks I'm like get me the home a few years ago I switched to just Fridays and Saturdays it was actually quite a while ago maybe maybe going on at 8 or 9 years ago but it was one of

103:57the best things I ever did cuz I did I don't like I would think about like doing Thursday and Sunday and like oh then you know you just feel like it's just taking up too much time I would rather do Friday and Saturday on the road and then come back home and if I want to do a set Sunday I'll do a set at the store or The Improv or something like that just driving to town and have a good time get home I just think there's a balance that you have to have like we've all seen those guys that are older and really burnt out you know and they just don't have any energy left for it anymore and they feel like it's a burden yeah instead of a pleasure like when I go on the road now it's a pleasure you know like I've taken most of them this month off I did the sixth at the Mirage in Vegas I'm doing all the rest of the shows I do in Hollywood I'm doing a shitload of shows

104:49I did to last night I did a Largo and then I did the store the night before I did the improv then I did two sets at the store so I'm doing a lot of comedy yeah but I'm home you know what I'm doing this being home has been really enjoyable I go to Chicago in a week and I'm I'm I'm excited because I'm gonna be flying sober I'm excited for that I'm excited to do a week sober and see like do some hot yoga in Chicago nice like I'm excited for Chicago but then but then I go like like in November it starts up hard again and I'm like like I can't cancel because I've already committed to these day I cancelled Austin and everyone lost their how'd you cancel it why'd you cancel we were doing this month and I didn't show up in my calendar and then it did one day I was like uh-huh no I can't you canceled it because of the sober Mike cancel because I was coming off of

105:35Australia DC and then I would have gotten six days off then gone right back on the road and I'm like no man this is about getting healthy and being like getting my mind back about me right and so by the way if you got if you need to refund your money just call the box office at Austin they'll refund your money ham dude it was serious that's a serious choice right yeah I I'm I mean I talked to Tom almost every day and I talked to him about a lot about this business and like I'm at the place where they're adding you know to Sunday shows an extra Friday show an extra Saturday show another Thursday show and he's always you theaters if you do and all that if you have all those shows I'm doing theater to theater tours next year next year yeah I didn't like the money offer I say like the money offer for me do you have a good manager yeah yeah the love I just left a meeting with her

106:27yeah it's great but the problem I didn't like the theater tour offers this year it was I'm gonna be very candid it was a the money was just right and I was like well this is the one year I can make money I can make I can make X amount of dollars at a club by doing by getting 90 percent of the door and do and sales salt $30 so you get it you can get some real money yeah or I can do theaters and it's about prestige for me it would be about oh I do theaters as opposed to that never meant jack to me but it does for some comics I think it's stupid ridiculous I got mad I literally had an agent tell me now that you've you're doing theater it's like you can't go back to clubs as like years ago when I first started ridiculous like what are you talking about stupid I have to do clubs yeah like I do the Laughing Skull in Atlanta by the way Ian Edwards there this

107:16weekend go see Ian Edwards one the best comics live okay laughing skull it's more like 90 seats two years ago I may be your and a half ago I do everything I do little places I do the Comedy Works in Denver still oh yeah I do those I think you got to do those I think you got to do the little spots man you know you twice house constantly I did wise guys in Utah yeah I know you did that I remember that I remember all the time I was there when they put those tickets on sale and I think Keith came in he's like aw like what he's like your buddy John Ruggie just sold out already already walked away I was like wow I think it's like working out I think you have to have weightlifting but you also have to have yoga you have to have running but you also should do something else like I think you got to have a balanced approach to stand up and one of the things is like intimate rooms like being

108:10right in front of people you know and then also not sometimes being in a big ass place like I'm doing the Belko Theatre in Denver that's like 6,000 people that's the kind of place that you you know you have the big show it's like you're it's not intimate but you you're your act gets honed in all these other places to this razor-sharp edge and then you go to that place you just send it home oh yeah and the the roars of like 6,000 people it's crazy it's nice to go into a big theatre and go like I'm doing the Wilbur I think in January I think I'm doing two shows and I think I like what I love about that is you go in and for me I can do the hour I'm working on the hour I have there's all the hour that's new and then when they yell the Machine I go it's a theater it's called an encore of course I'll do it thank you for coming to my show oh what about flying dildos all

109:00right guys there's nothing after me you want flying dildos here we go I would say hey listen I get if you have babysitter's you need to go home please leave you're not gonna offend me I did my show but these are for people the hardcore fans right so I point in time we got to stop doing that story though why he was seated online because like do you think that at a certain point in time Bill Cosby should have stopped doing that Noah's Ark joke I never saw it really okay I'll put it backwards how about Ron White okay the wrong way yeah never get ourselves doesn't do it yeah can't tell you something what I really want to see him do it like if I go no but I want to see Ron White Tennessee Ron White's new I do do but if you said Ron White's gonna do an hour of new material and by the way at the end is an encore he does tater salad I'd be like oh sweet somebody yelled out one of my

109:49shows recently bruised anymore man I don't even know how to do that bit I literally don't know how to do that bit I'd have to think about it after you go over it when I'm done I'm done I have to put that aside Yvonne but I think that story that story for me and by the way I would love to not do the story I would love like I got stopped doing it now hold on though that story have from for me is such a defining like it's the way a lot of people found me mm-hmm and for a lot of people it's my nickname it's everything about me it's when I go on stage it's my first thing they're all yelling is they're all yelling the machine but they just love you dude that's a that's a great story but if you have other great stories they'll love those too I tell I do an hour-plus of new material every show but man you just love doing that I do not okay that don't do it I don't

110:42know this theater door the Wilbur is great I'm doing my Netflix special there are you serious yeah I'm gonna do it there in April first time I did the Wilbur coming in baby first time I did the Wilbur is a year goes right after the weight loss challenge numbers were super slow did the weight loss challenge sold out the next day all right crazy so I go so I go to the Wilbur and I'm like this is him he's a big room I'd never performed in a room that big by myself like sold it myself right it sounds like I want to see what it looks like from the top like I want to see like with it so I go up climb up the top of the stairs get at the top I go stick my head out and I forget I'm the person everyone came to see like I like and I cause a nightmare of everyone like what the you doing up here and then everyone leaves while you're at the show I was at the show the opening act up on stage and I

111:32just had never done that like I'd always been the guy that was the feature act so I could go in and in the background oh oh this is beautiful I've never been the guy right and I caused a show on the third floor yeah you can't do that yeah I didn't there man yeah do that that's a great club too because it's three 300-seat comedy clubs essentially yeah it's three levels and it's like three 300-seat levels so it's like intimate comedy clubs but there's three of them and they're just stacked on top of each other so you just get roars but they're also right there it's not it's like one of the most intimate 900 seat venues you'll ever work at there's was one of the best shows my entire life I like where I just was like that's it right there BAM son love that place the Wilbur I walked in that door on the left I walked right in that door and walked up like a idiot

112:25there's a bar right up in between those two doors yeah and I just I was doing that place in the late 80s really yeah there was um the Wilbur theater has two rooms it has this room and it has another room that's downstairs and that room used to be called duck soup which is named after the Marx Brothers movie so hilarious movie I have never seen it it's hilarious it's all it's all I was a type of comedy I don't know what it's called but it's like slapstick no sudden it's slapstick it's like hey how about a cigar and the guys like I don't have one he's like no go grab me one down the street huh like it's like kind of like it's it's a about the movies tonisha period style common like you you like get a sense of like the way the people thought yeah yeah it's like it's like kitschy almost like like misleading words like that like almost like airplane like we got to get this

113:25woman to a hospital hospital what is it oh it's a building with a lot of windows but that's not bored right now it's like that kind of comedy yeah like Gavin and Costello who's on first what's on second yeah so yeah anyway Duck Soup was a experiment that the owners of the comedy connection did this is back when they really thought that comedy like clean comedy was the future and they said they decided to create an upscale comedy club a very upscale comedy club and serve like really good food and have like super squeaky clean acts performed there only it was a disaster it didn't last because it was like everybody's like what the like guys like Steve Sweeney and guys like Lenny Clarke who like you know they had a lot of dirty jokes they couldn't do the dirty jokes they're like they were trying to like somehow or another like pure it it was a disasters one of the owners of the

114:14comedy club had this wacky idea in his head that clean comedy was the future really classy clean comedy he wanted just squeaky clean comedy squeaky clean no sex jokes no nothing it was death so they bought this they set this place up they spent a shitload of money on construction they put this thing together and it was gone within a year really yeah and then it became an improv then but Friedman took it over as an improv and I think they were in business with him for a while I think bill bloomin ripe might have had something to do with it and then then it went under and then the comedy connection opened in Faneuil Hall so they had a comedy connection down the street that was a great Club at one point in time dude they had the comedy connection in on Warrenton Street which was like 150 seats and then they had Knicks comedy stop which is down the street which is

115:03maybe 300 seats and then they had Knicks comedy stop at one point at 3 rooms they had the upstairs room they had a downstairs smaller room and then they had this disco that's now a gay bar that's at the bottom and that was something they took over so they had three shows going consecutively so they'd have like Steve Sweeney would go on there and then he would go down to the small room and then you go over to the big room and he would do three shows like that so he would do six sets or nine sets so like wow yeah probably six probably two shows but six sets of two shows you know - two - like an 8 and 10 but an 8 and 10 in all the rooms yeah oh so you do 6 sets a night and then some of the guys would go over to the connection do a set go over to Nixon do a set and then Duck Soup opened and so like Duck Soup was the greedy that was that they got greedy yeah and that went under and when that

115:56went under Bill Blum and right who was the genius behind he still owns over it yeah yes he's a financial wizard he was like what the are you guys doing look it's little listen let me buy you out and so bill took over the comedy connection at Faneuil Hall and that that became like a big success and then they goes you know he just decided listen I can fill this place up this is like 400 seats why don't I just buy the Wilbur so he bought the Wilbur and now that's like 900 seats now so that's that's the comedy connection now and he just brings in big acts but the the problem is that Boston lost it's like local thing they lost like the local scene a lot of the older big-time headliners they got older and older people sort of forgotten and then the open mic night scene once Patrice left and once BER left the the like the guys coming up there's not a straw I think

116:50there's now laughs Boston's got a good scene last time I was there they were pretty excited about the scene they're saying this a lot of up-and-coming guys coming and gals excuse me and binary non-binary people and they've developed like you know a good group of like local people that are really doing the right thing trying to trying to really get good at comedy but there was stitches and there was a catch rising star in Cambridge there was played against Sam's how to show it was crazy like for a small town I mean Boston's not small but it's not a huge city like Chicago or New York yeah and for this relatively small city you had a fuckload of comedy and really good comedy that's what I love about the store is that you could hit three stages in one night I do it all the time the trifecta yeah I've done I've done that like three or four times this year

117:42yeah I'm due to their regularly I love Jeremiah's new stanton new material show yeah I wrote that's where I wrote that joke the Helen Keller and Frank joke oh yeah some guy just set it on stage I saw I used to think they're the same person I think I was staging in the back you like that better be a pit no I'm just an idiot open up flying I was like still yeah I love that show yeah it's a fun way an exercise I just did a Tuesday all right by the way and I just started getting the vibe like it took me a long time to understand the or like the o.r from me was a little bit of an uphill battle the main rooms always been it's like it's always a great just a great perform but like I think I was looking at the o.r as like it's like more of like less of a club and more of like a workshop and I was like no no no you just get this is where you have to be able to sling guns

118:35you've got to be able to change subjects moving the jet-like to really read a crowd and take their energy and move with it like you know this sounds silly that I say this but like in a rich Voss kind of way he's someone that could navigate the o.r seamlessly you know because he can read an audience and take the energy and push it well it's a very intimate - like a lot of those guys from New York they used to being on top of people because New York clubs are very small which is really weird right because New York is so big but the space is small like you have a lot of small spaces like you ever do the stand or stand up New York stand up New York is a perfect example like you could barely move on stage yeah or Caroline's Caroline's is like a table it's this table yeah you mean this tables bigger than the stage of Caroline's and when you're you're there you're on top of the people

119:20and they're sitting right in front of you it's it's it's odd you know yeah you get used to like where you from sir like that's why a lot of New York comics to talk to the crowd and then and they also do like fairly short chunks right the bits are smaller and that's also because they're set so like 7 minutes long yeah you know like I remember coming out here with Bobby Kelly was with Bobby Kelly the first night it is a spot out here and I get on stage and I was like I remember in my head going where the Puerto Ricans I was like wait what am I gonna talk about and then I remember Bobby getting up and going both of us were sitting the back he's like I don't like this clever these joke clever be funny and both of us were like yeah how come they can be funny like yeah but with us we're like used to I used to make the analogy working out doing stand-up in New York was like

120:04working out in the prison yard you had a you got a broomstick and cinder blocks and you just wanted to get big enough so you couldn't get raped in the shower and then working out in LA was like almost like being at a Gold's Gym you were sculpted you look good but you couldn't defend yourself in a real room and so like I looked at it that way and then I was like oh if you do the road you can do a little bit of both and you can really have fun I think the road is where I really learned how to do stand-up like for like doing an hour yeah that were that was what I was like oh you need to be able to like well you also have to do an hour that translates in Kansas City you could do it in Florida make strangers laugh yeah you see King said that he goes somebody said why don't you do UCB he goes okay are we gonna laugh anyway I want the art form is making strangers laugh yeah and

120:48you're like yeah you got to make people that well that's why a lot of people who'd like to do drop ins yeah they don't want people coming to see them they like to do a set where people don't have any idea that they're gonna be there there's a thought there's definitely there's a thought process to that I did largo last night which you know what was that life they laugh at your setups it's like the setups that they're dying laughing at the setups it's it's so odd it's a so polite it's a beautiful space though yeah mom's amazing it's a great setup yeah I mean it was weird you know I hated Nerdist meltdown one time and and I just told a story like just a story that I was working on and it murdered so hard and I was like this is a really legit comedy club fan they love comedy yeah any little nuance to a joke they're like they appreciate it like man that was well played that's

121:38on that movie in high school the all rooms though the problem with those rooms is that if you just work those rooms and then you try to do a sudden er your Ville like if you try to go on after Joey Diaz in the or and all you do is alt rooms and by the way Adam that's sick he will throw you on after Joey Diaz if he thinks you do a lot of all rooms names but I've seen people just incinerate up there you know because you're used to this like really polite setup punchline sort of crowd the Comedy Store you get a lot of this you got a people that are like come on this is the best club in the world huh come on you know you see people that are drunk you get surprising number of hecklers the the back hallway is always talkative like you have to study yeah that's a terrible design like they've been trying to figure out a workaround maybe you could figure it out I don't know what the to do

122:32but that back hallway always has people and they're talking and then even if they're not talking that people off to the side the parking lot that leaks to the back of the room like you'll see people that are in the back of the the store and the oor you see them turning around all the time like what the it's so loud I was on stage one time and and clearly I am on stage and I go clearly someone very famous just walked into the hallway because I could hear everyone like oh hey what's up yeah and then it was loud and immediately I just go I'm whoever I'm planning on bringing up next is not going up yeah and then I get the lighting I look over I go who's next I'm dying to know and they go it's Louis okay that's what I thought yeah you could tell telling somebody it's just a bad setup in that regard you know the oh are is a bad setup in the sense of that hallway but it's a

123:19great setup in sense of the size of the space and the intimacy of it yeah the main rooms perfect main rooms perfect perfect perfect yeah I love that you got the great hangout in the back oh it's the best you can't hear yeah me and Santino and Bilborough are chris d'elia last night were howling just making each other laugh just talking and just having a good time talking about Nick Cannon's stand-up special oops sorry but it was just good dick dough yes we're having such a good time just talking just shooting the talking about you know clubs on the road and doing this it's just it's like you know you get a chance to talk shop you know yeah get silly dude back there look out there's touch stones in your life where you go these conversations were meaningful yeah I remember a night I was I just started up doing birth to conquer again and you and boro were sitting you

124:13were standing and he was sitting in that corner seat where the door opens over to hit you and both you I remember I don't know if what have you go how much money is enough money I went what and you're like and you guys looked at each other you're like I mean how much money like how much money do you need like you're doing what the Travel Channel again yeah it burns like and nothing nothing your show sucks like I just do stand-up both of you sat there and you're like you're good stand-up man I don't know what you're doing on this TV show just get back to stand up and I was like only at the comedy store you get that conversation and only with your friends I remember hearing that going yeah what the you're like dude you monetize your podcast you do the road and you can hang out here and we all like what like is this your show you realize it's so important to have friends that will tell

124:55you that too because sometimes you don't think you can do it you feel like oh I have to stand there contract I have to have to keep working I've keep but I knew you were on the road for like weeks at a time I'm like Burt you don't want to do this oh you're a funny guy yeah and you're not really working I stand up that much let's be honest you'd go on the road you wouldn't do stand-up for weeks at a time I try to put in a date like jamming a date in between touring but or doing Travel Channel but the truth was I'd be away from my family and I'd be a mess and not only then it's not enough like a date doesn't do it's just like you go wow rusty that's all you're gonna do you know you need to be you know stand-up comedy's like running you know you take a month off running you're gonna be out of shape you know you gotta you gotta be constantly going at it it's it's

125:35it's a beautiful grind yeah my laughs so glad you decided to bail on that too the best thing watches on no as one of my Fitbit I ran I ran out of the time on four miles yeah but I keep it I keep it just to track my try to get to 18,000 steps so you want the other watch as well was a gift this has sentimental value it's not even the time isn't even right oh really it's like a bracelet the bracelet destiny a girl but yeah you got a bracelet on yeah guys wearing bracelets disturbed for me what are you doing drives me nuts guys with like three bracelets on one wrist like hey you stop especially like Italian guys like three gold bracelets yeah and a pinkie ring well you're not a jewelry guy uh no no I've been a jewelry guy thumbs your jewelry guys like what kind of joy you ever have a pinkie ring yeah you ever have a diamond ring I know diamond ring I've had a plethora of

126:36bracelets before though yeah I know I barely wash my car oh ho seriously yeah I wash my Corvette that's the only one I wash like in my Porsche I wash but the Corvette it's just it's barely a car the Corvette is like an art piece the funny thing about you is how how uh next roar Denari you believe you are like well I'll tell you that when we Tom and I did the first hot yoga we did the hot yoga we got done and we were really floored and the first thing we said was our he's not doing it right there's no way you could do these and they and the second thing Tom said was you know at this point in Joe's day it's only like 10:00 in the morning and he hasn't done kettlebells run or a podcast or set yet I was like I'm going home in a candy bar going to bed but but like I that's the one thing that's been pushing me through this month as I go all right I'm gonna go and run now I'm gonna I'm

127:27gonna try to do more in a day than I normally do and and I think that is only achievable I mean it's only cheaper with a real true balance of like being sober and healthy and yeah not just getting off the rails all the time yeah because if you do go off the rails all the time your body's just not capable of working hard and if you're there's their steps right it's like you can't just start running six miles a day and doing kettlebells then taking a 90 minute yoga class you're not gonna have the energy your body's not that it's you're not conditioned to do it but you can workout you could work up to those things like you could start off with just a light half-mile run you could start out with do your best in a 90 minute yoga class you know you could start out doing all these different things and then over time you build up conditioning and strength and health and you know I'm 50

128:16years old dude I've never been in better shape of my life never been more healthy I work out all the time I feel great I mean I really do and I just always want to tell people that like you you can't eat and obviously a lot of people have way more time requirements and I do in terms of like your your day job and stuff like that but the more effort you put into keeping your body healthy the better you're gonna feel you're just gonna have more energy like I feel good all the time you know and I feel better this week or this month this is 12 days in I really do I do too I love it I don't know I think the first drinks gonna be hard for me to take because I feel I feel like I'll be letting myself down cuz I get like I said I get teetotaler right and I guarantee that first drink I probably do a shot with Ari and then I'm like I think I'm gonna go to bed does Ari do

129:01shots I was like a drink he'll like have a glass of whisky with ice or something like that I saw him do shots in Calgary yeah oh yeah and then we lost him he didn't used to drink I know when I first met him he didn't drink at all he'd smoke weed but he didn't drink yeah he became a drinker when you moved to New York oh is that really yeah yeah I never remember seeing him drink ever I remember when he lived here we'd go to this store do you sell like a podcast or something and he'd get high but he's just what he didn't have he would eat candy I think that was his thing I was like I can't imagine candy now my car love candy yeah well after a workout it's nothing wrong with it some people actually like candy like a lot of lifters a lot a lot of people lift they like to eat candy after they work out really yeah reap unch those sugars supply of the muscles it's controversial

129:46you know some people don't agree with that some people do it's um you know it's dependent upon what kind of you have normally you know I try to stay away from bread and pasta that's it that's awesome yeah that's a big one do that you'll be healthier you know my friend Cameron Haynes is running the Moab tomorrow he starts the Moab 240 which is a two hundred and thirty-eight mile race and he's been running a marathon a day for months in preparation for this and tomorrow he begins a 238 mile race you could track it at www.opm.gov/tribalprograms page right click on that real quick yeah and there it is it shows all his stuff he's out there representing Under Armour runners it's a animal it's funny it says when I first started off running I struggled with a 5k now I'm doing two hundred mile races it's not that I was born with this amazing talent your body gets used to what you ask of it if you

131:06don't ask much of it it isn't gonna give you much if you don't ask much of it it isn't gonna give you and set it twice for some reason if you ask a lot of it it will give you a lot somebody should tell them that they repeated that sentence he could edit that edit that Jesus Christ Under Armor get your together he's a fascinating guy man he's you know whatever the podcast thing has done it's introduced me to people like him and Adam Greentree who are just I find fascinating yeah and and that man I some fan made me a table I picked it up today I put it on my Instagram and then he just put like all the I guess all the stuff I dig and he one of the things he put on the side was no one cares work harder yeah and I was like yeah this cams t-shirt yeah it's just one of his sayings and that's that's real you know I posted something on Instagram today that there's levels to

131:56this you know it's what we're talking about like I'm I'm very self-critical like super hyper self-critical one of the reasons why I'm hyper self-critical is I know people or just real savages who really are doing extraordinary things and people who are self-congratulatory for no reason drive me insane Oh like here it's like half joking yeah oh yeah but I but I have a very low threshold for reward but like and I had I I think I have like like I think that's why I'm doing that half marathon so I was like I need to start I want to start testing myself I want to start saying to myself let's break two hours and a half marathon let's see we can do that right um but you're right there is I think I'd do that with physical stuff because I was an athlete growing up and I just go I can I can always jump back in but when it comes to stand up man I am beyond critical I look at

132:53some of these people who put out hours and I go like like I like I'm not gonna name names but man I there's some people that people have said like I saw someone who I won't say names but they close their specialist Street jokes and I was like yeah you can't may hey you don't have friends I never yeah stay my friend I would have told you don't do that yeah she wouldn't listen no here's the thing man a lot of people they get caught up in that other stuff is one of the things we were talking about like you do in the Travel Channel imagine if you're doing movies all the time you're doing two three movies a year movies you know how that grind is 16 hours a day on set you don't have time to hit the clubs you'll have time to grind you're not going over your material you're going over your lines you're taking naps do you tired all the time especially getting on

133:39athlete you're not someone who's like really fit and healthy and eating really good foods your body is worn the out by the time those three four months of filming or done and then you have to do press junkets then you have to do that and then you know someone Netflix HBO comes along and offers you all this cash to do a special can you do it yeah you're not gonna say no and by the way your agents your managers unless they're top of the food chain they don't know about what it takes to do stand-up because they don't do it you have to have a really good manager who goes listen we really need to manage the time that in the energy and the focus you put on your act you only get one shot at doing this act you know and I that up before and I think a lot of us have before we've all done sets where we weren't really prepared we weren't really and you don't know what what it takes until

134:30you do it wrong and then you feel the sting of mediocrity and then you realize like oh there's no substitute for running 200 miles you have to run every day there's no substitute there's no substitute for stand-up you have to grind you have to grind you've got to watch your sets you've got to go through and say where's the lazy writing you got a munch up the good writing that last hour special I did I think the one that really helped break me to sell tickets and whatnot was was me looking at it from the first Travel Channel perspective of lazy just get the work done get it up I just get the last I don't give a and then going and starting hanging out with clubs and going oh I'm I'm there's a lot of laziness in this act and going I need to I need to really be honest with myself and go this is it's as hacky like this is I'm not doing the work in the special

135:19I think that applies to everybody that does everything it's not just our creative endeavor of stand-up comedy but if you're whatever you're doing if you're a engineer if you're a chef whatever it is whatever you're doing where you focus on and it gets good if you focus more on it it'll get great I mean it's it's just you have to figure out what's missing in it where's the weak spots where's the holes what could be done better approach it from a different angle you know one of the things that I'll do and I've been this is a thing that I've been doing a lot over the last two years I'll take a bit that I know is killing it's doing well I'll take that bit I know it's done so now I look at the same subject with open eyes like completely fresh eyes and then I try to rewrite it I try to rewrite the bit like I try to write the bit almost as if I don't even know how the other

136:06bit goes and I write a new version of it and sometimes when I write a new version of it I'll have a whole new take that I can add to the first version and the only way you do that is if you're not complacent the only way you're willing to do that is if you you hate yourself if you want to just grind it out all the time yeah either I this the hour I'm working on now I I feel like I feel like I've gotten too much you'll Swift it like I've gotten to the point where I go every joke needs to have closure some do I'm really doing more stories I'm not like doing more like premise Jo I'm doing legit like story that's what you like to do right yeah well you know what and I'm I have to credit re on this is I didn't rely was doing I was doing like material you know like hey if you ever put a vegetable in your chicks ass make sure to use a carrot not a cucumber cucumbers

136:56to a grant you know like those kind of like fun boy party stuff right a mediocre much comedy at best and I think Ari was the first one there was like dude your stories are really good and we started talking about when he was doing started doing this not happening we started talking about stories and I was like I got really into it I was like I'm much better at stories than trying to do what everyone else is doing if I can do my and just be me that like I felt like I was dealing material from me so I do a premise and I was like it's it's common ground like get pulled over by a cop or you know those it's like you know stealing material from you you know I'm not getting in this so but you get into stuff and you're like and then I was like oh these these stories about me like the Machine story taught me so much like I remember I've said this a million times do I'll say it a

137:45million times more I did this podcast and you're like that's your store that's your clothes or you need to figure that out and I went to Columbus Ohio that first time I was at that next weekend there's a kid in the front rows that could tell the Machine right and I was like no it's done it and he's like Rogan said you should tell it Burt Burt we understand it won't be good that's okay I remember being like oh these are the fans I get like okay but I learned so much how to telling that story about how to write stories and how to do stories and I think you know people come see my show they want to have a good time I don't want to hear my view on feminism they don't last year your view on feminism is really funny yeah unless it's funny like it's whatever you feel yeah but like whatever you feel like saying so many comics right now are so like us a lot of liberal comics are like agenda first

138:30comedy second yeah and I'm like don't let that guy that's great I'm not gonna push that agenda on you I'm just gonna make sure you have a good time tell you the time I got up I pissed on a table I brought a train whatever your agenda is it happens to be hilarious like it's gonna be organic right and that's you know I mean I don't think you should put yourself in any sort of a box yeah I I feel like I feel like if it if I like it I'll do it yeah but then I died this bit about catcalling that I thought was so good but I was like I was like what are you doing to it if you like it don't worry about it man you can't box yourself and like I remember one of Tony Hinchcliffe ex-girlfriends was like I think Tony should be all dark like what like I think I think you should just stick to all dark and I know what the are you talking about why would he do that how about just be funny all the time and

139:19then I had to talk to him about he's like oh she hates my bit about squirting jokes and you're taught you don't know one of the comics then he gets up and leaves and they're kind of goes alright just so you know his dad's gay when you go places do you get like a crowd in the green room like weird guys show up like yeah that's not good yeah and they always want to like reach into the cooler and grab beers and talk too much oh yeah oh dude I don't have confrontation problems so I just would I just leave my cell and now I just leave green room I've had that a number of times that's the worst man when you show up on the road and like the the green room becomes like a hangout hey this is my buddy he's a big fan and this is his girlfriend they're gonna let me ask you a question how do you write your jokes I've been so much how do you come up with material you know it's funny I've

140:33been thinking about doing stand-up for a while because a lot of people who work tell me I'm really funny and you know I mean I watch you and I go hey maybe I can do it I get the thing I get the most is people in the meet-and-greet line going ah I'm gonna tell you my machine story I get these long ones I decide these lesbians uh wouldn't stop playing with my dick I didn't mind it we were doing the picture as long as it lesbians if Haley counts good girls like I haven't felt a dick in a while and I won't do a picture I used to yeah she's to be a non lesbian yeah she's to be a breeder what happened she why'd you go to the dark side did you ask her uh-uh no but she got me hard she definitely did dirty girl terrible girl I love that when you find someone who's like poop power sexuality like there's a girl one time it's like hey can I like people always go hey can

141:27I girls we go cry pinch your nipple and the pictures my shirts off I go yeah yeah whatever this one gonna take I played with your nipple I was like yeah she did some sex stuff to my nipple that I literally knocked my wind out of me I went whole and then I was like hey can you tell me how you did so I can tell it at my wife like that's amazing you can slam my nipple and a bank vault I don't feel like an elbow that's what it's like like balls very simple it's very similar to an elbow I don't know ball sack I couldn't like you could pinch my ball sack with pliers I wouldn't feel it hmm yeah the skins not very sensitive but it is when they do it like this right when they tickle it might go right up in me they suck up oh yeah really like like a weight Chiru master like if someone would do they would suck their balls up into their body so you can kick him in

142:21the nuts and it doesn't even hurt really no thought they did though these idiots but they're a bunch of guys that get kicked in the balls and they somehow or another can endure it oh we did we had a we had a bed on the TV show where there was a strap you put you ever see this no it looks like a seatbelt but it goes around the conquer it goes it knows for some spikes show it goes around your feet and then it rides your inseam so it's it looks like a seat belt but it's it's an inch shorter than your inseam so theoretically when you kick it your foot the foot the strap stops the foot before it hits your balls okay so does that make sense yes so imagine if you have really really strong inseams right you couldn't get to the balls because the inseam didn't move dropped on your feet yeah so we get a punter and a professional punter and the cold gag is if I get it I'll get kicked in the

143:10balls oh my god but I got the strap-on I'm fine right right so I'm like all right I get kicked in the balls so I'm standing like this but as he goes to kick I squat down and I then loosen the tension and I'm peace I got kicked in the balls by a pro punter oh my heart is down and we lose a ball from that man very easily I know a couple guys have lost a ball a couple yeah they get kicked in the nuts and sparring and they lose a nut oh oh I thought I lost not once in a tournament my ball swole up like a golf ball it was like this more than a golf ball goes it was it was big and bread and it turned purple later oh it was awful yeah I really thought like because I had in the old days the cups that you would have were like they were cups that would sit in jock straps yeah and when you would throw a kick like a lot of times the ball would like poke out from underneath the cup so when you get

144:05kicked in the nuts that cup was slamming into your balls it's not good now they have really good compression shorts and the balls like get recently there's a thing called diamond MMA cups they like they suck straight to your body and the outside soft and they cover all your junk and it doesn't go anywhere you could literally get kicked in the balls these things ought to be okay then they have these steel tie cups which are the most ideal most uncomfortable but the most ideal because they tie up through your like a g-string crank up back there and at time I thought but it's a steel cup shoved in there man I remember when I was a kid and they just pulled a cup out of the out of the bag and it by itself and go throw it in your underwear oh yeah they do that and you have to raw dog the cup in your underwear just sand all over your dick what a stupid design

144:54balls are yeah on the outside rate and everybody knows it everybody knows how bad they hurt like there's another thing that hurts other than your eyeballs things that hurts like your balls everything ball hurts your eyeball yeah it was he ever been poked in the eye hard yeah horrible right yeah yeah that's that's your balls man I said to someone one time we were about to do this snowball fight a professional snowball fight so they make them with snow packed them and they're basically ice rocks and it's it's called yugi gossin in Alaska and so we're about to do it and I night before I'd said to someone no I don't like you could hit me in the dick it would I'd rather be hitting the dick than in the balls and they're like and there's a girl this girl Lani and she was like you're telling me you have no feeling in your dick oh no I feel in my dick but like if you punch me in the

145:40dick like just dick if you hold my dick am i how to punch me I wouldn't hurt as bad as if you held my balls in my head upon me so the next day we're doing this you got someone stuff this snowball right when it starts and it hits me on the head of the dick and I thought it exploded in my pants I thought when I hey my hands were cold so I couldn't feel I was like when I touch this dick it will be in pieces like a trick cigar and it hurt I've never felt pain and then she came up as I'm riding she goes I thought I could punch you in the dick that wouldn't hurt I was like I was wrong what about animals like animals I'll have their balls in the outside but they've never figured it out like I think chimps probably figured it out I bet they when they fight other chimps they attack the balls because I know they do that with people when chimps attack people they rip your dick off and

146:26then bite your fingers off right your fingers off and rip your dick off they pull your eyes out it's one things they do they know what to attack they're not trying to kill you they're trying to maim you try to take away what what you need and want ruthless little animals I did a podcast with Kalin the other day and I go and I love the way his brain works and the first things out of his mouth have you ever seen a hairless chimp and then no and he pulls it up and I'm like he's like the woman was bathing with that thing bathing with like sleeping with it just having sex with it most likely oh hi - yeah she would just give the chimp xanax yeah she gave him xanax and red wine the one that tore that lady's face off in Connecticut she was giving him xanax red wine yeah look at the muscles on that thing not only that the problem is we look at that and go oh yeah it's

147:12like a bodybuilder no no that's a chimpanzee like those muscles are like corded steel they might be the same size as a bodybuilders muscles but the density of those muscles is off the charts look at those arms oh dude believe me I've spent years of my life staring at naked chimps but that's a chimp with mange that's what that is there's some sort of a disease where his hair falls where you really see their Anatomy yeah it's a stunning difference between them and us I mean there's a lot of similarities but what's really really interesting is that that is an intelligent animal I mean it's an intelligent animal that now uses tools so much so that anthropologists are now thinking that or biologists rather what would it be what would it be that studies chimps no no definitely anyway whoever's for the studies chimps they have I think they've universally concluded that chimpanzees have entered

148:13the Stone Age so they are using tools without being taught so by other chimps they're using tools independently and they're using tools constantly and they're using all kinds of different tools and so they think that what's going to happen is eventually they're gonna figure out a lot of other stuff and it could take hundreds of thousands of years but chimpanzees literally chimpanzees and monkeys have entered the Stone Age I mean this is from the BBC they're using rocks and tools and they're cutting things and breaking things open with tools and so you would say it's not the workmanship that makes them special if anything a casual observer might struggle to even identify them as ancient tools it's not their antiquity that's exceptional either they're only about the same age as the Egyptian periods what makes these tools noteworthy is that the hands that held

149:04them weren't human these stone tools were wielded by chimpanzees competitions and macaques how do you say that macaques how you say those monkeys that's a bird anyway monkeys the sites where they have been unearthed or the basis of a brand new field of science primate archaeology so what what they're saying now is if you think about human beings right that one point in the history of human beings we were far more primitive than we are now right if you go back and if you've if you want to little people believe in evolution if you go all the way back you know we were some sort of Australia Pittacus right it's like some sort of a chimpanzee like humanoid thing and that we got more and more intelligent for whatever reasons and over the period of two million years the human brain size doubled and they think that hunting may played a part of that cooking food might have played a part in

150:03that a bunch of factors played a part in that but they think that if chimpanzees keep going the way they're going now that who knows what the a chimp looks like in a million years I mean it's entirely possible that they could grow to be a new type of super intelligent primate Wow yeah I mean look it was us right if you believe evolution obviously I do but if you believe scientists the the most studied in the field believe that human beings in this form we've existed in this form for somewhere in the neighborhood of half a million years plus right I don't know if that's the right number but it's it's um I think it varies back and forth but who knows how many hundreds of thousands of years before that we looked exactly these I mean we've been around relatively recently I mean if you look at the history of the human race versus the history the world the world's

150:59like four and a half billion years old the humans haven't even been around a million years I don't think that's crazy so that's four and a half thousand million years old for the for the earth humans less than a million so we're we're recent recent people or recent things that have figured out how to radically change our environment with tools so now these things have figured out how to start using tools on a regular basis so this is what happened with us millions of years ago or whatever it was and this is what's happening with them and this is fairly recent we have now recovered buried stone tools from activity areas of the stone tool of all the stone tool using primates I still can't understand how they can teach them sign language and talk to them crazy but how'd it like crazy yeah you know humans have a very weird relationship with primates too it's we you know we expect them to

152:04be pets you know that's what this crazy lady in Connecticut where a friend got her face ripped off that's what they thought like and the people the guy that got his balls ripped off his face ripped off and the chimp stores feed off you remember that guy yeah that guy had a pet chimp and that chimp got too old and when they get old they're incredibly strong its super aggressive and then they don't understand the consequences of biting someone's finger off they just decide I'm gonna bite your finger off whatever give me that finger you know and that's what the chimpanzee is mean they're wired to survive in the jungle you know it is an insanely harsh environment a little baby chimp come look at that ham it's a little baby and they're wired to survive in an incredibly harsh environment and that includes like fits of violence and and retribution violence they're ruthless man you know

152:56they gang up on other chimps and they plot out war like they go after tribes of other chimps and kill them and they like target them they somehow another figure out a way to communicate how to ambush other chimps there's a lot of video on it too it's it's ruthless man it's a really harsh to watch I I made a gorilla laugh one time how I was at this I think it's called monkey Kingdom in Miami and then just depressed gorilla cuz this was I had this circus had him before and they took out his canines oh Jesus cuz they wanted to they wanted to use him so they removed his key I didn't want eating people yeah so they turns canines but apparently canines in the gorilla kingdom are a sign of that's like how you can become that's like if you don't have canines then you're just shunned you'll never get a partner and so they could never get this one gorilla a partner I forget to give him dental

153:53implants I don't know did you do that the hockey players you had a little doesn't seem like they could do that get him some nice veneers give him a operation human teeth a little gas bomb and his his cage here's know what the going on put them up so they're like yeah he's with dogs he's really depressed and I think it's called monkey Kingdom is what the name of place in Miami think oh he's really depressed he's just too depressed gorilla I bet I can make him laugh and they're like you definitely are gonna make a primate laugh and I swear to you I swear and this did not get included on my show I swear to God I started doing an impression of a gorilla I just started 100 and then slamming my chest and then I went number one like this and the he went huh shut up I literally lost my mind I was like I just like I can't believe you made him laugh and I was

154:46like that and then travel channels like I don't see why that's important into the show cons I just made a rulla rulla a depressed one yeah how what oh how fast journey was that oh you have no idea oh I had a show I have a I have a clip this is the frustrating part is I I we did the last season of birth conquer and I did the whole thing everything that we shot it was my thumbprint because that we were in between presidents and it was it was I'm very proud of that product and we showed it to them and they're like it's not all brand and so they buried it but in the process mean it's it was too blue it was too rough it wasn't about like there was no intro reads I wouldn't do like my name's Bert Kreischer and I'm outside Cedar Point the home of thrill rides in the middle of Ohio like whatever it is did you do instead I would be like I would say stuff like um New Jersey's

155:43like a fat ass like like not everyone likes it but if you're into it you get it does that make sense and there were really fun reads and they were so irreverent that if you saw them there's no you're not turning off the show you're like what the like riot yeah so one of them at the very beginning I say hey listen can you just there's some clips we have in there that'll definitely go viral can you just air them to promote the series and they're like no we've got this we know what we're doing and so they didn't do it so one of them one of them was this thing pterodactyl it was a ride in Colorado that's amazing if you go to their web if you go to Travel Channel and see how many views it's got I think it'll blow you away by the way they never aired it when the show is about the air they aired it later on accident and it's the most viewed thing the network's ever

156:29ever in its history of being alive when they aired it by accident I wouldn't a one-girl aired it by accident didn't know they were trying to part ways with Bert put it up and it's got swing yeah how many views 242 million yeah 242 million views he's got 1.3 million shares 242 million views yeah what let me see that oh my god I told them I said is insane I've never even seen something with 242 million views I said hey we got some viral videos and they were like now we know better than you dude 834 thousand likes they know better than you idiots and dude look at look at the screen picture it's me falling off a cliff on a chair let me see this play it add a little thing do you think so this is all the freefall 100 miles an hour into the canyon on the terror dactyl how do you freefall how's it work you're in this chair it's strung out to a fulcrum I don't

157:49understand what's keeping you alive it's a string a cable it's strung across the canyon oh my and that is tied to a string in the middle dude by the way there is one that is 10 times funnier than this they took me into a spook house and it is a spook house please don't say it involves black people it's in it's in it's in I wonder if I I tried to post it online because they used to let me post all the content yeah and then once we parted once they realized they were ready to part ways with me hey bro it was their idea your idea they asked me what I wanted to do the president at the time at took me out to lunch said so what you want to do and I said to my therapist I was like I think I don't wanna ride rollercoasters I'm done riding roller coasters I'll do something that is my idea like I'll do something if you want to do something we can do something but I don't want to just be a host for

158:45hire I want to have I'm focusing on stand up up folks on my podcast I want to do stuff that means something to me this is like last year this is a last set bull year ago a full year ago um roughly probably today whoa like yeah like it was October it was before we had done the weight loss challenge I was the fattest I'd ever been I'd rap birth to conquer it was about to start airing so yeah I think was October why my special had a narrative my specials there in November and she said what he want to do and I said I don't wanna ride rollercoasters anymore and she's like okay and so then they're like fired Burt yeah pretty much Wow but my therapist is like don't go in and just ask for a job say what you want and don't don't do anything other than that what did you say wanted to do like what was the idea that you wanted to do a show that I'm I think I'm doing I'm

159:31gonna be doing you've got to do it on the show I'm doing I'm gonna do a show with my buddy Tony the guy was telling you about this running Rosanna but it's I can't tell us as a premise is pretty high concept yeah but were doing that and I'm doing scripted which is what I wanted to do right but in but I had already shot this product and there was this one thing at a spook house where it's like spook house it's a haunted house it's in Colorado what you know the place I'm talking about everyone pulled up we're here in Ohio but that's not from birth to conquer that's from birth conquer look how old do I look in it it's from 2016 I got a German shirt on if you I swear to God if you watch the full video of this it is the funniest thing you've ever seen I gave it to them and they just clipped it up and tried to make it short I was like don't air the whole video because it's me going

160:1725-minute not the whole video is not 25 minutes like eight minutes but it's me doing like an hour tour through this spook house and I am losing my well I went there because what they bummed out at you at this point yeah yeah you were leaving I think they just don't they don't like that were different you look they don't like to you wear my shirt yeah they're like what why can't you just wear a black shirt off off Travel Channel thank you for wearing that though that's awesome it's just me getting scared for dude you were so much bigger I know you're different human I know that's so crazy like do you see yourself there and go oh my god I'm unhealthy it makes me uncomfortable if you go to the very end I'm sweating profusely but like this is I get scared and I just push my system on the oh well I don't even look like myself yeah you're how many more pounds

161:09are you there 260 260 250 so you're 40-plus pounds have yeah wow this drinking like crazy it's amazing how you've done this you know from January to today you've essentially changed who you are you know yeah I didn't think I think I probably would've done it without all of us being apart like it's been fun yeah you know yeah I felt guilty that you guys went through all that I didn't do anything that's one of the reasons why I was willing to pay for like that's where things get up like my intention to pay for your trip to the basketball game was a good intention yeah but it it put our in a weird place because I kind of stepped in for him than 100 chose to have been for exalter maybe if I didn't do that you guys would have sorted it out quicker didn't didn't mean to do that you know I mean when you said that you're like now don't worry Ari's on it we've been friends a long time I got

162:01this I had it on my pocket when you said it it was very like you didn't sound like you were I didn't feel like you're thrown already under the bus at all I didn't feel like it but I think he felt like a little bit but I also think there's blood in the water and when there's blood in the water those online piranhas they just find a weakness and if you show that weakness oh so you know milk for a cat that's why you were telling him about the comments don't don't respond to those comments you know don't don't do that he did he look I love him to death but he posted something shitty real shitty one time he knows it and anyone that knows it knows it and if they don't know it they'll never know it I don't give a but I watched the comments roll in after that and he didn't realize what he had posted and I watched it I was realizing he didn't realize this is a long story and

162:47I'm not in love Ari and I don't end up to deal with it but like he didn't realize what he had posted he thought he was posting something fun uh-huh and he and it but it was like proof super serious and then do not watch these people roll in the comments man Tom and I've said a number of times did write down names don't ever forget the guys are really horrible human beings on here like don't ever forget there are some lunatics online like look lunatics of course like on when when when you said you weren't gonna smoke weed and we put the pray for Joe thing yeah dude this guy wrote to me he goes don't ever forget you are nothing without Joe Rogan that is our medicine we need this medicine and if you're gonna deprive us of our medicine I was like are smart who the do you think you're like I would Ribe us of our medicine people just there's a lot of broken people out there man and all

163:39along whoever you are if you're that guy look man I didn't take my medicine for 12 days I'm good I mean but some people here's a thing right I used to do a joke about this that I did have a medical marijuana card before it was legal yeah you know was legal only medically but if you didn't get a medical marijuana card leave you went to a doctor and they said no like you should go to a hospital because it's probably something really wrong with you yeah because they were giving them away like candy like anybody ethical marijuana card and someone said to me like well you are throwing it in the face of the people that actually need marijuana for like glaucoma or PTSD or whatever like what you're doing is skirting the system I might yeah yeah so what I'm still getting weed legally I'm not hurting anybody by getting weed legally stupid it's like promoting the fact that weeds

164:29awesome and then also there's the thing with like it's fun for just calming you down and giving you a perspective in life I think weed has made me and I think there's probably a lot of other factors as well I don't want to say it's all weed the weeds made me a nicer person because it's made me more sensitive and I think that if there's one thing that we could all use more on this like everybody gets carried away and everybody's a work in progress and people all say things that they probably shouldn't have or just you know you're acting well you know impulsively or you you know just you go with the thought that's in your head and you say what's on your mind it doesn't come out right yeah we've all done that right but marijuana for me highlights all those things in an almost ruthlessly introspective way that makes me a nicer person makes me think about things

165:17especially when I'm in the tank man when I get in the tank when I smoke weed I just think about verything oh it's like a goddamn seminar on I should like that I should do that in the news studio I should do that tank new sudhi has a tank I got to do the tank before I quit before October's up okay I want to try it for then I want to try it sober and then when in November I want to try it hi one time well it'll be installed in the third week of October really yeah yeah the tanks coming soon so no no it's a new one they took the one out of my house crashed by the way folks if you're in California you the float lab is the greatest float place in the world and this guy is like a lot of people credit me for making isolation tanks more popular I'm very happy that that's the case but my tank experience increased dramatically when I hooked up with crash cuz I had a friend who was working on my

166:15tank and he was fixing it and I had an older tank it wasn't the best tank but it was good and I had a lot of great experiences in it but he told me about this guy in Venice that ran this place called the float lab and I said well what's the difference he's like well his stuff is just like super engineered it's like the best stuff like you don't have any of the issues with like the the bladders at the bottom that hold though that you know the hold the water in braking because he doesn't use water bed bladders instead he uses those things they use for ponds like koi ponds like a very thick thick plastic everything he has air pumped in it so you get fresh oxygen inside the tank he's just like though he uses like two water bed heaters and they work together simultaneously his like he has a really excellent digital calibration system for the temperature like he takes it to the

167:05next level with everything he's got an ozone filtration system that kills all the bacteria kills everything he uses two gigantic Jacuzzi filters that everything gets run through these like look like tiny micron I forget what the number is filters where like they filter everything out of that water and for me it's like it's only me in the water but for public ones it's like critically important that you know you know that you're not gonna catch some weird skin disease or something when you get inside these tanks so this guy I got in touch with him got a tank from him he installed it in my basement and then you know I'm just I can't shut the up about things I love ya and that's part of my problem is I'm a repetitive as but it's that's what makes me good at things I get obsessive and that mindset I'm just like constantly droning on about the same things constantly and sometimes

167:52that becomes a problem with podcast but crash that guy he's the behind tanks if it wasn't for him the tanks that we have even not the non crash tanks non float lab tanks all the other tanks in the world they are that as the gold standard his tanks are the gold standard and all the other tanks since then have they've elevated in quality substantially because of his contribution when I first started using the tank which is like early 2000s like 2000 I think I got one in 2003 and I think I first time first time I got in one was like 2000 2001 and I had one in my basement in 2003 from that time the whole business was gone like that was oh now they're everywhere giant tank centers Omaha I was in Omaha and this guy was at my show his man I work in a float lab or I work in a tank place he's like we should go and I was like let's go now he was like let me call the

168:47owner and this is I gotta say this to this owner in Omaha guy got off Tony's like ow we can't go drunk I was like why I think he thinks you're gonna pee in it but yeah I want to do it bad well you will you'll do it I'll have you in like right after its installed but so we're getting a new one put in because frat if that's the thing about crash he's so crazy he's constantly like innovating he's like constantly like even if it tanks perfect like no no that's the old one the old version we gotta get rid of that we gotta take it out we got an upgrade upgrade everything like he's just nuts with that Wow yeah he's a mastermind he's like like a real mad scientist genius character when it comes to tanks oh I think I could yeah I gotta get a tank I love it I tried to get into TMU TM transmen meditation Transcendental Meditation I missed the class well the thing about tanks is you could do all the

169:41meditation in tanks but you have way more disconnection from your body and I think that's important it disconnects your mind and your thoughts and your ideas from your physical frame like that's what people are trying to do when they meditate like you're trying to sit down in a comfortable spot and just concentrating your thoughts and you absolutely can achieve these amazing states of mind in that way but I feel like those states are elevated substantially from the tank and everyone I know that disagrees has never done the tank people that have done the tank oh oh yeah people that know that meditate and and do the tank as well go oh my god this is a game-changer it's it's just a completely different environment really the people the people that resist that I've talked to a few people that meditate and they're like do you meditate I'm like yes I do I meditated

170:25in my tank and like well that's not the same thing like listen you hippie you're talking about I've meditated regular - I just try have you tried it no I have it then shut the up yeah shut the up because it's a it's a complete naturally occurring psychedelic state so anybody who's sober anybody doesn't want to with drugs I always tell them getting that goddamn tank and you'll have a drug experience without any drugs well you don't have to worry about losing your mind you have to worry about addiction you have to worry about overdosing or getting you know someone give you the wrong you can get in that tank and legitimately have a psychedelic experience yeah I gotta try it you know I did a big thing this is gonna sound once again there's gonna sound a lot of my realizations this month are gonna sound very very childish and pedestrian but like one of my really

171:11hard things was going to sleep like I didn't I we call them unassisted sleeps in our house so we gonna sleep without drugs or alcohol and I'd had seven this year total I pulled down 13 in a row and so now the idea of sleep doesn't panic me the way it used to like last time they did a podcast these young ladies and then I just I just like I was like I'm going to bed now and I got in bed and I just closed my eyes that's crazy dude you're healthy like I was like I was like I'm go to bed now Burton I'm proud of you oh really yeah I really am this is what you've done is considering your lifestyle and how long you've been doing it that way it's amazing and I know that you you rise to the challenge of a competition that's sort of like motivated you to do it people have done it man a lot of people would have quit by now a lot of people would have found some excuses or figured

172:03out some way like oh it was my friend's birthday I how to do a shot with them you know like this there's all sorts of real weird tricks that your mind will play on you to get you to quit you know the in in a bunch of different ways but I'm proud of you you've literally changed your health you turned your health around in a very short period of time I appreciate it thank you Joe I got it I got a lot of those people because a lot of people are doing it with us ya know will Noonan is quit smoking what's he look big zo hard one apparent really big he quit smoking but it's fun to hear the guys who do did fall off that I god I was with the until football on Saturday I'm sorry brother and you're like like yeah I know I know the feeling I know what it is to but you just have to make a rule you know and just try again you know it doesn't have to be so abrupt over you can do it in

172:48November just but there's a beautiful thing in having like a set schedule tomorrow begin sobriety I have to do it I'm gonna do it for 30 days and if you can do it look people prayed for me and now I'm off of marijuana go right back though can't wait I kind of wish I think all of us kind of wish we were all together for that first night I know I'm kind of bummed out that you guys gonna be in New Orleans but we'll come back for another podcast we'll get super due to get on a plane and come over here we'll have some fun together and by then he'll have already start smoking pot again so probably more happy re oh yeah the new studio - but yeah we'll do that while all three of us get together and have a we should do I don't know if you always willing to do yoga after this challenge I think this challenge but end it for you know do you think you will call it a

173:40chore alarms like a chore today did you listen to his podcast when he's talking about it I did I'm a goddamn professional comedian I'm a Jewish entertainer in New York City you like to drink and do drugs this mock anger is so awesome I was howling laughing driving to Segura's house I got there I go have you been listening Nori's podcast he's like yeah when Liza the latest ones 35 minutes I go it's 35 minutes of gold for me of you like I'm not sure if everyone's listed it but me and you should listen I think it's meant for us yeah well I'm glad he decided to go with it it's it's awesome stuff he was the one that said no weed he was the one he texted me personally he goes person I don't think you have a problem I love you and if you're gonna do no booze I'm gonna take away the thing I care about and that's weed in the need and then he texted that to me

174:31him and Tom and then I made that video of me running thing and in it I was like no weed and I said it Tommy Tom's like I don't know if Joe knows about no weed yet and then you were like hey guys I'm not doing no weed and then always like oh I'll pull him into a corner and see if I can get him do it it was affecting me at all the bullying I thought it was hilarious I thought it was too but I was willing to do it because I was like alright well two things I thought one the optics it doesn't look good if I'm telling you guys to quit the booze and then when it comes to the weed I'm like no no that wasn't a part of the deal but I'm like I want people to know that it's not hard to quit weed it's really easy yeah and yeah I know I'm only quitting it for a month but I'm telling you it's easy like it has literally changed nothing about my life like I can do all the same things

175:18I think marijuana like anything can be abused but I also think it's a valuable tool and I think if as long as you use it as a tool and I think one of the things about this experience I think I'm gonna use it more judiciously I'm going to I'm gonna use it less I think I'm gonna be that way with alcohol I want to enjoy it I want it I want it to be part of the party as opposed to it be the thing yeah like I wanted to like accept like like I like you're the very accurate statement is going out to the patio on the store sometimes you do see something that I was just part of my night was like do my set go to the patio on the store yeah as opposed to like burr always think burr uses booze properly he's like get done a set he's like you want to go have a whiskey go back to that back bar and you have a whiskey with him and you talk about something for 30 minutes not overkill

176:11yeah it's like alright I just made the drive home interesting I'm going yeah he's a discipline guy you know he's he's an interesting guy in that regard he works really hard it's very disciplined but he's also very smart and understand the trappings you know where things can go wrong ya know he's a wise man he is there's a lot of them out there man you know you just got to find him and cultivate him and what we're very lucky very lucky I will say me personally I'm very lucky to have the group of friends I have because I go I look back I remember you telling me a long time ago over a shot of whiskey you don't have to have shitty friends a lot of people like you just being just let them be your friend but you had a few people in your life there were monsters I was not good at it figure and I remember you were like yours are really good over at the ice house you were a really good guy and

176:57everyone's trying to be your friend just let it happen yeah I'm so protected well you had that one monster in your life and you know once you got rid of him your everything kind of went smoother and you also realized like Oh like other comedians actually want you to succeed they're not trying to hold you down they're not trying to on you and like literally remove parts of you there they want you to be happy they want to enhance ya and then also you you you realize that there's beauty in that community of like seeing people succeed in being happy Oh for them and they're happy for you and you're happy for each other and everybody can get together and laugh yeah I mean Joey Diaz called me the other night and the fights on and he goes dog spots let's watch a fight I want to see mad at Mighty Mouse I saw that the video of you guys all together and Joey's high as you know you got

177:45a contact high you probably broke the rules but hanging out with Joey have you seen that video of him Joey Diaz like talking about like his State of the Union address his talking about making North Korea cool in the dark find it I think it's it's on we're Americans he's wearing a green shirt and I was crying literally tears rolling down my face when I was watching I think it's on the mat flavors world Instagram account yeah I know you can find it show me which tell me what you got there's October let me see what it looks like yeah that's it he takes the glasses off see if you just play this we'll go out with this Bert Kreischer I'm proud of you man thank really yeah we're gonna leave we're gonna leave you guys with the Great and Powerful Joey Diaz get up it's all over listen we had a rough couple of months Buffy Katrina's cousin Maria the other one Waldo Rico Houston Florida

179:00listen this has been tough up to now the earthquake in Mexico you know the White House whoever the is going on but it don't matter they wanna shoot it's time for us to this shoot they want to get down and dirty don't forget who the we are you understand me with a baddest out there you send the message to that North Korean he's gonna be sniffing my dick and suck in my ass harder that's the focus Korean like a year be an island stay black oh he is so far he's the best ever man that's the funniest guy that's ever lived