Relationships 101 - #023
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So, hello. Hi everybody. Hello. The long-awaited Yusef and Johnny guest appearance. Cuz you've been on without me, haven't you? Can't believe you did that. Yeah, it was while you were away and then I missed your birthday. I remember. But I've got you some coffee now, so Well, no, I have to wait to see if I'm allowed the coffee. Cuz Yusef bought two bags, one that needs grinding and one that doesn't need
grinding. For two people. And you might not have a grinder. One definitely has a And one is ungrounded. One is ungrounded. So, not even by his choice. Yeah. I have been on if you're still ungrounded. I was ungrounded twice. Catfished. You You both catfished. Been catfished. Been catfished on grinder, yeah. Or been the been the subject. Been the catfish on grinder. Later on when we do our first ever Q&A,
make sure that you tune in for that. We did it We did it in mine. Um when we do our first ever Q&A Did you see that there's one question which wasn't a question? It just said, "I wish you was I wish you lived close enough to me so that I could find him on Tinder in my radius." You need to expand your radius ultimately, like You know what you need? Tinder Pro. Or you can just travel around. Drop yourself. Can you? Yeah.
Uh so, speaking of Tinder, we are going to talk about dating advice today. Dating. Dating. Um Dating. It's something that I've been Relationships, it's been a podcast that we wanted to do for ages. And dating advice, yeah, real long time. Dating advice for me forms a nice foundation for that because most people will go through the process of dating someone. That kind of You can take it from the moment that you meet
someone that you may fancy up until the point at which you they become your boyfriend or girlfriend. Mhm. And there's an awful lot, like that's a an area that covers many sins, right? from first dates to seeing someone, whatever the [ __ ] that means, to when you define the relationship and from initial to being exclusive with someone. Yeah. We're not talking about from initial to marriage. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah,
exactly. So, yeah. So, cuz I would I would say arguably all of that is in my mind. I know that's ridiculous. No, no. It's still kind of dating. Sort of. Like, cuz it I think it's all of it's just arbitrary. Well, what is a relationship? A relationship is legal. Yeah. You've not litigated yourself into a relationship until you're married, right? Yeah. Yeah. So, but you know, so all of this we can try and Mhm. conceptualize down. So, I
wanted to Should we move chronologically then? From single life all the way up to Mhm. I want to leave single life this because of the fresh note. Yeah, makes no notes. Sure. I just want to organize my thoughts. Sorry, I I couldn't I couldn't do it to you long. Le mom. I make I make notes now. This isn't a Russell Brand thing, but I do actually make notes. So, I wanted to pose it to you a bunch of things that
I've been thinking recently about. What are you laughing at? What are you laughing at? Just that he's got one Well, just leave him to talk about it. Oh, no, no. It's that he's got a special keyboard on his phone. leave him to talk about it and then we can life hacks it, can't we? Oh, yeah. I'm I'm sorry. I'm sorry. In in 2 weeks time. Listeners and and viewers on the brand new three camera home YouTube setup.
3D. One, two, tres. Um the reason that I may seem a little agitated is that Johnny was 50 minutes late and Yusef was 90 minutes late and we've planned this for 2 weeks. You've been kind though. I was more than 90 minutes late. Despite having 6, 7 days notice for this. It's fine. So, It's gone. moving on. Um I wanted to talk about It's gone. I wanted to talk about this. Sorry, sorry. I'll I'll be sensible. It's testing me.
It's all right. Well, it'll it'll You've got to You've got to warm in. Warm in more? Warm up to it. Right. So, here. He's freezing cold. Go on. Go. Go. So, I wanted to talk about dating and what I've been thinking about. While I was away in America, I ended up um having a chat with a young girl over there who'd kind of been going through the throes of her first serious relationship. And what came out of that
me making some realizations and some about my past behavior that girls could stick to which would form a framework for them to avoid bad guys and stick with good guys. So, some heuristics that they can follow Yeah. To keep them on the on the right path. Are you a bad guy or a good guy in that? I was I was the person you should avoid. And the reason that I know the things that you need to look out for and
the the barriers you need to put in place is because they were the ones that would have tripped me up. So, this is the cheat This is behind the This is the cheat codes of how to get around [ __ ] Reverse engineered it. Okay, I I would also like to contest that further down the line of that you are someone who you want to avoid because I think only know me You only know me from what when I was 24, 25?
True. And before that I'm talking I'm talking like 18 to 23. So, anyway, I've got some So, let me let me foundation it for you. Every guy under the age of around about 23, if you take the average, is not really worthy of being in a relationship with. And if you want to have a relationship with someone who's balanced and for it to last for a long time as a girl, I I think that you're fighting a losing
battle. I think that under the age of 23 to 25, most guys think with a penis They don't have a very solid understanding of who they are and they're constantly chasing after for the most part they're heavily chasing after female attention to help them bolster their own ego because they don't have a concrete sense of character about who they are anymore. Now, obviously there's going to be outliers in this. Perfect
example is my business partner Darren. So, he met his misses in the second year of uni. I think they got together in the third year. They moved in when they were 21, 22. They got a dog when they were 25. They got married when they were 26. They got another dog at 27. They had they got a kid at 29 or 28. And now they're in this amazing house and they have a very systematic progression. They It is the
perfect framework. The equivalent of the American dream. But like marry your college sweetheart. Like it's it they've got it. But they're the outliers. Especially for him. He is the absolute rarity in this situation. So, I think a lot of the time people who don't understand what I do, my job now as a club promoter is actually more as just a leader and a glorified parent. So, I'm a pretty much a big brother to
between 250 and 500 students in Newcastle and Manchester every single year. And every year I get older but they stay the same age. They just get replaced. There's just this conveyor belt of new people coming in and the same situations come up over and over and over and over again. And these people who work for me are people who work for me. Right. Yeah, it's not people in the clubs. No, I'm not close
enough to the people that are in the clubs. But these are people who are in the clubs. They're just ones that I'm closer to. That's because you tell the people who tell the people who tell the people to go to the clubs. To go to the clubs. Yeah, exactly. You've That's the correct framework. I think one of the first things that girls need to be really conscious of and I'm going to I'm going to do guys.
Wait. Um I'm going to do guys as well. I'm going to give advice to guys. Got it. But, I'm going to go for girls first. Just add to your foundation there as well. I think you said that going for a man under 23 and expecting someone who is stable, emotionally mature, and reliable Mhm. for a relationship purpose is a losing battle because statistically they're not going to be. I think and I remember you
discussed this as well, which is that there's a the curves of when men and women emotionally mature don't overlap properly. And I think by age 23, there's a stark difference in like there's probably both genders have a a surge period where they do the emotionally mature and they don't coincide. And so, you can end up with an absolute idiot and wondering how you got there. Well, the thing is that at the
age of about 21, I would say that the vast majority of guys are still [ __ ] and girls are still psychos. Now, I know that's colloquially termed, but everyone who's listening knows what I mean. The girls have had their hearts broken by some guy who didn't know how to treat them correctly, maybe once, maybe a couple of times. Their trust in men is just through the floor. Guys have realized of like sex as conquest and trying to
That's what guys are at. Yeah. Guys are guys are numbers on the on the notches on the headboard and just spray about as much as possible. Spray about. Spray about.
I'm having this discussion with this girl in America and I was just having a little bit of a think about what it is that girls need to be wary of and basically what is the format, you know, on this podcast we talk about life hacks. We try and lay out in as simple and conceptual a way as possible how you can be optimal, right? Like what's the best way to behave in the world? And this may not be the best way, but it's the best
way that I can think of. So, it's worth like saying to you guys, right? It's it's me articulating. Mhm. The first thing that I think that girls need to do when they start speaking to and this is in you've met them in a club or you've like matched them on Tinder or you've started chatting to them from work or whatever it might be. When you first begin speaking to them, I think that girls get too much of a bad rap for
giving lads a hard time and making them jump through hoops. Personally for me, I don't think they're making them jump high enough. Like I think that the hurdles that are laid down by girls for men, especially when you're talking 2020, 2021, 2022, 2023, and but up to, you know, up throughout the whole way through life, I think the higher that the hurdles are, as long as you are making sure that the man knows that you're interested and
that you're giving them sufficient attention to know that they're going to continue to play the game, I think it's a win-win scenario, including for the men, right? Let me tell you why.
if you're laying down, and by laying down hurdles, what I mean is not folding um compromising on something that you think. When they do something wrong, you tell them straight away and you put them in their place. When they make plans and they cancel them, you don't need to go overboard. You don't need to be passive-aggressive, and we'll get onto that in a second, because that is the number one way to
remove the integrity of what you're saying, right? Passive-aggressiveness for me is up there with the top no-nos that you should that girls should do in relationships and guys as well. By laying down these hurdles for girls, the first thing that it does is it certifies that the guy who you're speaking to is invested in you in the long term. If they're not prepared to get past you asking them a question about their last relationship
or you asking them to make plans for a night out. If you ask them, "Okay, let's go out on Wednesday, but I'm going to let you plan the date. I'll plan the next one, but you plan the date." And you turn up and he then says, "I've got nothing planned. You need to tell him that he's [ __ ] up. You need to say that's [ __ ] That's not that's not a good investment in your So, it's the the example there is is
having a principle and making sure that the principle is upheld. Draw some hard lines in the sand of what is and is not acceptable behavior. So, I think I've seen both ends of the spectrum where either there is [ __ ] testing for [ __ ] testing's sake and it almost is like it's contrived. It's just trying to give someone a hard time for the sake of it, but there's no real underlying principle. A very similar to if you've
seen the argument clinic on Monty Python where he goes into the room and he's like, "Hello, um am I in the right room for an argument?" He's like, "No, you aren't." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's Can you Can you briefly explain what [ __ ] testing is, please, for people who don't know pick-up artistry? Ultimately, well, so yeah, I'd like to get onto pick-up artistry as well, but yeah, so [ __ ] testing just what you've said, giving
someone a like a hard time or or to see how they respond. But yeah, it's the purpose it's the purpose of doing that though, right? Purely for that without an underlying It's the female equivalent of negging, right? Yeah. So, so the and what my point is that it has to be a certain agenda and that has to be a stable set of principles. to be born out of integrity. Whereas at one point in the argument clinic, he's like, "No, it doesn't. Yes,
it does. No, hang on. This isn't an argument. This is just contradiction." He's like, "No, it isn't." "Yes, it is." Like, "An argument is a series of statements formed around a specific foundational point. Whereas you're just this like disagreeing with everything that I say." And so that's the difference. I think like if it's if it's upholding a certain set of values, then yeah. So, you're totally right and that's
that's something that I've missed and And the other side of it is just being a a doormat. It needs to be It needs to be born of what you What do you consider as a girl to be acceptable and unacceptable behavior in a man? Then, draw the lines in the sand and don't compromise on them. So, here's the reasons that it's good. You are going to make sure that the men that you invest your time in are sufficiently invested in you because the
ones who fall at the first hurdle and aren't prepared to get over it, what do you think was going to [ __ ] happen when they're drunk in a nightclub and some girl comes up to them? Like, this is it's making sure that they can bear a sufficiently heavy load even at a [ __ ] empty bar level of a heavy load that when they have to go and do a one-rep max in terms of virtue, that they might actually have
the capacity to bear it. Does that make sense? It's looking at their bar speed when the when the bar is empty. This is probably going to go over the head of a few girls. There's going to be like two CrossFit girls that know what we're talking about. "What But you're at the bar. What What if you're at a pub?" You're like, "No, no, no, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about Why would I be in the
bar?" So, okay, so that's the first that's the first thing that's good. Before we move on, yeah. These these principles, if we are for someone who's listening, Yeah. does this apply So, I think that has to be a conversation of like, is is this person looking for a one-night-stand scenario? Are they looking to move towards Have I Have I jumped ahead? No. No. You've asked the You've asked the the perfect question.
All right. Cuz I Cuz I think you have to be in the end of mind though, right? If the If the If as a girl, If you If you If you want a pace thing as a girl, like, crack on. Find a guy that is Lower the barriers. Well, lower the Lower the barriers, but heighten the standards. Like, because if you want a one-night-stand, your parameters for what you're looking for in a mate change. Yeah. Intellectually, how
bothered are you? But in terms of you probably want someone who's a bit lean. You probably want someone who's muscular who physically fits the attributes that you need. Mhm. Whereas, you know, we've all been around beautiful but stupid people. Mhm. Right? And vice versa. Really interesting people who are not sexually attracted to. And I find that dynamic so interesting cuz if you ask most women, and women, if you're listening and
disagree, please say it, but like, any woman I've spoken to and I've asked, "Would you have sex with a man who you find physically attractive but was really bored you? Was boring as hell." as opposed to someone who you maybe who you found attractive but you hated? Mhm. And they prefer to have sex with a man who they hated cuz at least there's some intensity there. There's some Some feeling. Whereas I think men are
much different in the sense that like you could have sex with someone that you found quite boring. I think men even want to escape That's very mechanical. Yeah. An interaction whereas I think women less more visceral as a man, right? Mhm. So uh the perfectly correct. If all that you're looking for is sex, then change your parameters around. So this is a different That's Yeah. I'm talking about I'm talking
about dating. I wouldn't say the Okay. I wouldn't class dating as If you need to go out on the pull Mhm. then we will do and if you want a podcast on that, then we'll do a podcast on how to be single. Like So this isn't This isn't trading. It's investing. This isn't Exactly. This isn't trading. It's not short-term positions. This is I'm looking for a long-term Yes. position profile. Yeah. So It's not
going hell for leather on crypto. This is like Yeah. Exactly. You're not You're not margin trading. You're not doing 50 times leverage. Yes. Exactly. So Hopefully that made it much clearer for So that's the first thing that's good, right? So it means that you filter out the bottom feeders. Mhm. The men who aren't worth your time. And you you jump ahead a couple of steps. Mhm. So cool. Second thing that's good
is it sets a tone for the relationship moving forward. That means that you're not going to take [ __ ] Mhm. So we all know and we'll get into this when we do relationships, the proper relationships podcast. For me, the key in almost every relationship is like the first 6 weeks to 10 weeks. The reason being that you set precedent after precedent after precedent for what happens in X situation and Y situation
and Z situation. What happens when you don't get a message after someone's been on a night out saying that they've got home safe. How would you react? How would you react when they get in late? How would you react when they cancel a date? How would you react when they do whatever? So, I forgot to say, that particular camera can only do around about 20 minutes at a time. Every so often, It'll go I'm going to
pass it on to you. I'm going to have to get up and I'm going to change it. Thanks, video guy, Dean. Um You're going to pass it on to as in we speak and then I'm going to get up and I'll get to that. If you're just listening, that's completely pointless, but it's fine. So, it sets the tone for the relationship moving forward, right? It means that you drawing lines in the sand not only for now that filter out potential mates,
but you're also training them to be a good mate for you. The third and final one, and this is the one that I think is most holistic moving is men really In fact, I'm going to make this into a four. Thirdly, men really [ __ ] need this. The reason being that it makes them learn what is and is not acceptable behavior for women. Like if they if you are with a guy and you find out that he's been messaging your mate
and you think that that, based on your own values and your own integrity, you think that that is unacceptable behavior and you bin him off, that's only going to happen to him two or three times before he goes I probably need to change my behavior. The reason that this continues to happen is that guys are able to wheedle their way through, and this is speaking from experience because for years and years
and years I was able to outwit girls that I was seeing to one degree or another, whatever level of depth you want to say that is. And I was able to I was able to get myself out of it, so I never learned. This is the Parkinson's law like in a social context. So, Parkinson's law is where you a task fills the time that you've allocated to it. And I'm sure if you've been working to a deadline with an essay
or something you're like for some reason you there's no way you can just get it done a week in advance in a 2-hour slot before. It's yeah, always extends to that. And the same thing like if a certain behavior is permitted frequently you lower your own standards for So as a man you want someone to hold you to a higher standards. Like Earl Nightingale says treat a man as you expect him to be, not as he is. And you know, give him the
room to expand to that and to rise up to meet that challenge. So That that quote has managed to make a good synopsis I think of everything that I've come up with Go on. I I think if I had I think as a 21-year-old, or even younger, like 20-year-old I was too to have probably realized the I I think as a as a young guy you take a lot of advice like this. Or I know this isn't aimed at guys this part. Or is it?
Well, it can be. It should be because guys should realize they can make implications from this. The vast majority of the audience that's listening to this, maybe 2/3 of it are men. Are men? Okay. I think all of the behaviors you've covered There's a flip to both sides. yeah, they they they exist on need to And I think that men should be interested in why women are motivated the way that they are and women should
be vice versa. And men should hold women to higher standard behavior as well. guess it. Okay. All right. Okay. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I I I I just I think the I think it's hard to as a guy that age when I think you're finding your like your own feelings and your own beliefs in a lot of areas like this. Like what I think's true in these situations. You're forming judgments based on experiences. And someone says actually
women, you know, a woman should treat you like this. I think a lot of guys when faced with higher standards or sort of a framework that they have operate in. Should have resist and and go for the the person who's not doing that. Low hanging fruit. Yeah. Cuz it's just easier. Yeah, and I think it's don't want to be they don't want to be challenged with that. But again, as girls, do you want to be low hanging
[ __ ] fruit? No, of course not. Of course not. go back to we go back to the first the first advantage that you get. The fact that you filter out the guys that aren't worth your time. And if again with this, there's kind of like a curve, right? So, one night stand is this particular level, and then I want marriage is this particular level, and then anywhere in There's some Yeah, do you understand? So, you can go, "Okay, well, I can lay
down lines in the sand that are sufficiently hard as I need to." But imagine if tomorrow every woman on the planet adhered to a similar framework as There would be a lot less Global standards. There would be a there would be a lot less sex for a long time. Mhm. But imagine where men would be in 20 years. Like if you if you want if you want if you want to have sex with a woman, you have and if you want to be in a
relationship with a woman, you have to learn how to treat her correctly, you have to learn what isn't is not acceptable behavior, and if you [ __ ] up, you will be better for the next woman who comes around. So, this is this is coming from a this whole conversation coming from a perspective of like women are the on the victim side of this equation. Like men mistreat women. But men are the sexual protagonists and
And women give access. To to that. Women women women female women That's probably a correct statement. Yeah, the female kind. Uh human females is what I meant. Got it. Human females are the only females in the animal kingdom that are sexually selective, right? Okay. So, Everyone else is just If a chimpanzee is on heat, she'll mate with the alpha male, Mhm. but only because he's there. Given the Given the opportunity, Yeah. she'll mate
with any male when she's on heat. Okay. The only reason she mates with the alpha male is because there's a threat of violence and because they're because they're available. Biggest bench press. Yeah. And he's got the biggest be. I bet he does. He's got the biggest bench press. He does. So, and I'm going to now move on to women mate across and up dominance hierarchies. Okay. Right. What What do What do men mate across and
up? Across and down. Do you mean just mate across and down? So, they never They never shoot When you say dominance hierarchies, you mean like I'm a seven out of 10. They're a nine out of 10. Is that what you mean on that level of basis? Or do you mean That's attractiveness, isn't it? Or Well, that's what I'm trying to get at. Like, what do we mean by dominance hierarchy in this context? it's how you have um raised yourself up
through uh the social How high your social equity is is another way that you could put this. So, dominance hierarchy is And the reason for this is you have twice as many mothers anthropologically, evolutionarily, as you do men. Do you know that fact? I didn't. Right. So, what that means is that on average in history, Yeah. every woman has had one child. And every other man has had two. Got it. Does that make sense?
Got it. So, you have what's called a Pareto distribution, which is nothing nothing nothing everything. And that's because human males chosen at the top of the dominance hierarchy. So, you have losers and you have winners. Mhm. Whereas with females, the distribution is more even. Does that make sense? Yeah. And the reason for that is that men mate across and down. And women mate across and up. So, what
Let's Let's take a very basic example of this. So, I'm a really really attractive woman. All right. I know it's hard to imagine. But let's let's say remember it's not just we're not just talking attractive us here. It's the I know I know I know. But so I consider myself as a result of that and my social status to be pretty high. So I would then rather sleep with someone or mate with someone who I perceive to be of a higher social
status than me or on a level. or on a level almost in spite of what they look like necessarily. So like if someone It depends on it depends on how the dominance hierarchy will usually be influenced by looks as well. Right. Okay. That would be a But there are multiple overlapping dominance hierarchies and so like rather than having one big one that all of humanity follows that would mean that only one
person would reach the top and it would competition would be so stiff and so we create multiple ones that within different social circles. So if you're working in if if you're a if you're a solicitor then like that you operate in a different hierarchy to if you're a bodybuilder and then you know all these things and and we create our own sort The characteristics and it's like geographical and within friendship
circles and So it's absolutely. But the extreme what I was trying to get at you see you you have this image it's like people joke about it of like the the really fantastically attractive model who's married to a guy who is 80 years old but extremely wealthy. She's not she's not marrying for love. Well, okay. But But she sees him up as a very high social status. To a degree but I still don't think that she's marrying
for love. That's that's marrying or being in a relationship without integrity again. Okay. So that's contrary to this this model. To a degree. Yeah. I I don't think she's marrying up and across dominance hierarchies. I think she's marrying up and across income hierarchies. Like she's just waiting for the [ __ ] will It's a form of a dominance hierarchy but yeah the agenda there is skewed because like the typical gold digger
thing is like you're waiting for someone to die so that you can inherit their the income may be associated with like social status. But they're still they're not publicity. Yeah, okay. So there's maybe some that like the idea of it dragging them up a little bit. So you you touched on an interesting point and I can imagine that some people at home might be thinking that this does sound like men are the sexual aggressors
and women are victims, these maidens in waiting, right? But we cannot get away from the fact that women are the ones that make the decision to say yes or no, broadly, okay? But they have to bear a greater biological load for Absolutely. That's not been my experience. Sorry. Sorry, back there. So and so like They're the ones They're the ones that make the decision. Broadly, okay? They're the ones that get
to say yes or no. Mhm. So what that means is that there are more men prepared to have sex with a women with women than there are women prepared to have sex with men. And this is the reason for this you have on average one mother and two. Do you know what I mean? You have half the number of fathers as you do as you do mothers, okay? the implication of that for men is quite interesting, I think actually.
Like what does that mean as a man that you should be doing? It means that first off, if you want to be successful with by hook or by crook, the dominance hierarchy is probably a pretty good place to start. It's kind of like waving a flag above your head. Mhm. but you know, there's a link I'll make sure that I link in the show notes below some of the studies about the mating like across and above and across and
But as a man, you almost set a glass based on your own position within this dominance hierarchy. There was something that you said which is a really like sort of Crayola example of this which was like I'm single and I don't know why but like I've got a job, I can't drive. What is that? Oh yeah, trying to find a I'll have to dig that up cuz it was really well worded. But there was someone Yeah, like so the the flip side
of that is someone saying as a man if you read books, lift weights, dress well, and smile instantly in the top 20%. Like like it is So the the bar the bar is set the ground and so going above that is like incredibly well. And do you know to very briefly to go back to the thing about who gets to choose to have sex? Perfect perfect example here is gay pride was recently moving through the UK and I've
got a number of gay friends who've been to a number of gay prides and they say to me so you know lads lads on nights out usually you think ah they're up for it they're up for it and really the only hurdle I have to get over is whether or not the women are. Again, I know that we're regressing back a little bit to just sex. For the sake of understanding it, yeah. I agree. that for the purposes of just sex and
presuming that that's the first place they go to that then leads to a relationship whereas with women it may be a little bit more of a a slow takeoff. Yeah, yeah. um Imagine the the decision makers are women. Mhm. Now remove the decision maker and replace that with another man. He said Mate, can you imagine what it's like in gay pride? And he said to me I this is coming from the [ __ ] source, This may not be representative of all
gay prides and I'm sure that there's some men out there that play hard to get but Jesus Christ men like to shag other men. Yeah, like they really really like to [ __ ] other men and you go to like the gay pride events and these are the stories that I hear back and they're like some of the things that these guys are like harrowing. They're like I just can't believe how much [ __ ] sex these guys are having.
Yeah, cuz if you've been to a gay bar you get touched up so much. Do you? I've I've not Oh, okay. I well I I've not had that experience. Might just be me then, but You should take Chris Knight to a gay bar. Did they think Did they think that you were the low-hanging fruit? I don't know. I I mean it's like [ __ ] little little party pants, nose piercing, nose piercing, slightly exotic. I I do get I get a lot of I get more
male attention than female, for sure. What do you think that says about you? I think that's true for me, Really? but I don't I not in a gay bar. Not in a gay bar. It's because you've got like a neotenous face, but you're like you're quite like angular. tell us what Yesterday, he tried to tell me that his language vocabulary is poor. What's neotenous? Like a sort of cherub-like like like younger face, All right. but
like this is this is other people's words, not neotenous necessarily. People being like, "Oh, like he's he's got the face of an angel and the body of a demon." Wow. That's a very fabulous Sounds like the sort of thing that you find in your message requests on the Instagram, isn't Okay, so because of that, that I get male attention. Why I can't I think well, I'm speculating. Like I I think that you do you've got some soft
Okay. Yeah, it's nice. It's you kind of like it's the real case of Benjamin Button, but only from the neck up. You're regressing. I'm like a little Yeah, you are. Can we try to strap you to a tree? I I would rather not. I was in a I was in a gym in Kinson Park Leisure Centre where there's cages around the security cameras. And this man was big guy telling us about his time in jail and his steroid use and stuff. And he looks
over at Johnny and he goes, "You're lovely, you know." And he's like, "Thank you." I was like, "Fucking And he's like, "You know, you just you you just said lovely." And Johnny's like, I think he was being deeply facetious. Can we Can we go? He wanted me If he wanted you, he would have had You were you were his. Yeah, I know. There and then. There I was doing uh he was just wrapping up and and over again. Snatch
in Kenton gym doing snatch doing with the small thick metal with 5 kilo plates. So we've done that but I think good point there and then you know talking about that the example about men men on men men on men sex. The best example but you were saying me grinder has a location feature. Oh but it's within meters really imagine a Tinder had a location feature. Well find the woman that you've matched with yeah.
I think grinder just has like a it's like a radar I mean like Call of Duty or something like it's like it tells you everyone is so is so does that mean that men are I wonder if there's like a predation on in gay scenes than in like a what happens like You think you're a predator and you turn up and you're you're huge 160 bench guy from Kenton gym is there and you're like this is more hunters being hunted. Yeah
but by that logic you wouldn't mind being hunted. Yeah fair enough you're just there yeah. Well no cuz you might be a bummer but not a bummer and so that's the that's the dynamics and mechanics that I find beginning completely we need to have an articulate gay man to come and I would love to understand more about me too like how do you know whether you're a bummer or a bummer. Well no I think you know I think you
know which one you are but how do you know which one that you put on your profile? Do you? What about what's the what's the matrix in a bar? Top or bottom? Yeah you just put that on like on grinder is it right I I feel like I'm I'm just why do you know so much about grinder? The thing is don't just hit us with disclaimer. Why did you get so far? I was at a party and this guy was like you should get with him here Chris right
I don't exactly forget about dating. right? We we have to Well, this is still This is still dating, right? We we have to get a a game analyst happy to talk about the intricacies of I've got I've got I've got a couple that could be really really good, actually. Yeah. That'd be awesome. And then we can I'm so happy to make this video. Tom Ford is a fashion designer. designer has a theory that all straight men should be
anally penetrated. There's quite a good justification for this, but he does have an agenda, doesn't he?
That's why if he was a straight man with that opinion, fair enough. I see it's the argument You would say Obviously. It's the argument that Bret Weinstein and Heather Heying say when they're talking about Sex at Dawn by Chris Ryan. So, Chris Chris Ryan saying basically everyone anthropologically is built to be polyamorous is a really really good way to just get women to sleep with you. I see. To be like, "Oh,
mate, it's just free love, mate." Yeah, exactly, right. If you just bend over. Um So, okay. So, we've you know, we've laid out a bit of a framework. What what are your What are your thoughts there? Well, so that that the That's what pickup artistry is. And I I suppose telling people to be polyamorous is trying to sideline and subvert this this existing system so that you can cash in on it. And pickup artistry essentially
is the same thing, but it's convincing someone for a short enough period that you are someone who you are not, maybe higher on on a dominant hierarchy that is relevant to the So, usually like clubbing and that kind of thing. Yeah. Hoping you catch up. Yeah, I sound like such a knob. Clubbing and that sort of uh You do disco. But so I've I've got friends who were really into pickup artistry for some
time. And there's one guy, he's a German guy, like really good-looking, like looks like a test tube baby, like and he was convinced that it was the pickup artistry, but I think it was just the fact that he's a good-looking, confident And it just it just gave him things to say. I think pickup artistry gets a terrible name because terrible name, it's in the name. Pick-up artistry, it's trying to just pick up
girls, right? The whole point is that it's notches on the bedpost and this, that, and the other. But, you could look at pick-up artistry from a whole number of other angles, right? Like what I've done over the last 3 years with the people that I've listened to and the things that I've read has made me a better potential partner, unequivocally, for any girl that I spend time with. And it's meant that my ability to
become in a relationship with women has also improved. As a result of what? Just understanding myself, doing introspective work. All the rest of So, is that pick-up artistry? Well, pick-up artistry is not one thing, I suppose, and it's it's evolved over the years. Like from from my friend Lenny, I'm sure he won't mind, like is it was very algorithmic, it was very and he was a computer scientist, so
he's very like focused on Inputs and outputs. Yeah, you you say this and then you you alpha the the toad and then you neg the whatever and you do the and then and it's like this was all it it was all very formulaic. And he found that it made him quite depressed. In fact, it was it was him and someone else, but they the other guy I'm thinking of said that it made him feel very depressed because it created this
disconnect between the person that he had to put across to be attractive to and the person who he really was. Yeah. It's like being able to lift on performance-enhancing drugs. And then coming off and being like, oh [ __ ] Oh, [ __ ] I'm still really, really weak. Whereas, what I've done is I've done a strength protocol naturally and brought my brought my strength up to a a level where I feel more capable. Mhm. Do you know what I
mean? Mark Mark Manson's book called Models, which I is fantastic. comes under that bracket, but it's very different, isn't it? Well, it's more authenticity, vulnerability. So, he talks about diet and diet and training, he talks about um like stop masturbating and go out and meet that use that energy to go out and meet people. Gives His argument is that guys don't have a model, that's the name, to interact with
women. And so they try all this pick up artist stuff and forget that actually like you have to be a valuable desirable Mhm. And this isn't to say this isn't to say that women aren't either. Of course. Women women also need to add value. But again, for this I I I think there's a I think women naturally put a lot more care in their appearance and and that side of things and I would I would go as far as to say that
I think women on the whole are more virtuous than men when it comes to relationships. That may be a controversial thing to say, but I do think that it's the truth, especially at the younger age brackets. Mhm. I think they put in more effort overall.
How many How many girls do you know that have cheated on men versus men that have cheated on girls? Cuz I know it at a two to one or a three to one ratio going men to women. you think the motivations are different between why men cheat and why women cheat? Yeah. So yeah, I can't remember who it was. Some relationships guy saying men cheat because they want sex or they want variety. Women cheat because they feel
if not attended to enough. So here we Here we go. Have you heard me use the Family Guy analogy before? Oh yeah. This is my favorite analogy that I use for dating. There's a lot of wisdom in that. I [ __ ] love this. The writers are clearly quite smart anyone who's watched Family Guy before. Peter is stood at the window watching Bonnie who's Joe's wife out of the window. He's got binoculars and he's
looking at her. She's changed out the window and he's making like grunting noises. Voice going like she's really hot and sort of making man noises. And then Stewie comes in. He walks along to the side and he goes, "What are you doing, fat man?" Looks at him. He goes looks out to the window and he sees Bonnie getting changed and he goes, "I don't understand. You've got this smoking hot wife at home. Why would you
be looking at Oh, I see. It doesn't need to be better. It just needs to be different. And the value of novelty in a relationship have something new Mhm. cannot be understated. Biochemically speaking as well. Like it's it We can get onto that as well. The um genetic lottery as it's called. Yeah. But the value of novelty can't be understated. It doesn't need to be better. Mhm. It just needs to be different. And I think that so much
cheating from men can be explained by that. So, another It's hyperbolic discounting. It's not about that is. So, it's So, cheating is the reason that people from my perspective, from like a behavioral perspective, is um it's failure to see the the power and the value of a long-term outcome, long-term cost and benefit, and not being able to discount that appropriately with a short-term Short-term positive for long-term
I think like especially guys, the number of the guys who I know who've like cheated and like have even thought about cheating and then cheated. Mhm. It's the it's the narrative of they are better, different, more interesting, funnier, more attractive, But I just think there's a fixed trajectory that relationships take. Mhm. And it's just starting that a process again. Yeah. Like month one, month two.
Great. So, there's so much There's so much There's so much stuff There's so much stuff that we can go into here. I'm going to let you do the bit about the genetic lottery. Do you know that? Do you know the Brett Weinstein and Heather Heying thing I've not seen that. Okay, right. Well, I can I'll be able to lead you into I was going to talk about the the the dopaminergic sensitivity. Yes, yeah. Cool. So, but before that,
I was on uh Love Island, right? And we Apparently I wasn't. 100,000 people had seen the podcast. Good on you. Um link will be I think it was too or here, video guide in. I think it was too long to be honest. Well, you know, What else do I think? 5% 5% of people that commented said the same. I think it was really surprising uh to hear that you were intelligent, Chris. And And I think it was What was
the other comment? I think it made me that I I think that I want to know what gear that guy that's close to the camera on. Why so sweaty? That guy's That guy's full of D-bol and water. D-bol and water. It's China hands, isn't it? D-bol and water. Yeah, that's exactly the That's exactly the graduation. So, I'm on I'm on the phone with this guy and I'm not going to say who it is. And he recently split up with his girlfriend
after cheating on her a number of times and he said this sentence to me. So, the two frameworks that have borne so much of my understanding about relationships are "It doesn't need to be better, it just needs to be different." And this interaction that I had with someone in Love Island. Been with this girl for maybe two or three years. Kept on cheating on her. Kept on cheating on her. Kept on cheating on her and couldn't stop for
some reason. He go and get drunk. So, okay, like rule number one, don't get drunk. Like I'm a Mhm. Paragon. I'm a paragon of sobriety. And so, that's easy for me to say, right? But, if you keep on [ __ ] cheating on your girlfriend when you get drunk, stop cheating on her. By stopping getting drunk, all right? If that's the trigger, then yeah. Don't put your hand in the fire, it hurts. Yeah, stop putting your hand in the
fire. Exactly. And he said this sentence to me. And he was saying, "Do you know what it is? I loved it a bit.
I was attacked by a fly and then you were like, "Are you okay?" I couldn't have done it at a better moment. I know. I loved it a bit. And I said to him, I was like, "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. I was attacked by a fly." I know. I called I called the NHS helpline and I was like, "He seems to be having a These floaters in my eye. Um so, have you used the stroke framework?" I loved it a bit. But, I just can't keep my dick in my
pants. Mhm. I wouldn't be saying this. I loved it a bit, but I just can't keep my dick in my pants. Between "It doesn't need to be better, it just needs to be different." and "I loved it a bit, but I can't keep my dick in my pants." You have the framework, as far as I'm concerned. So, he's not unhappy in his relationship. He just is unable to counteract his urges to a degree. And you think, "Okay, so what does that
say?" He was at the time 24, 25, something like that. Brain Willy. Yeah. Yeah, So, he's Willy. Who is Where did Willy come? With that come in? With that um Wait until he's older. So that Just mature. Wait until he's mature and just take it on the chin. That sexual drive That particular Did that particular person needs to make some mistakes, right? And as a girl, we're going back to being as a girl. And as a
guy as well, as a girl, the implication is allow him to make mistakes, but not with you. Mhm. As a guy, allow yourself to spread your royal seed as much as you want, mhm, but don't put yourself through the emotional turmoil of thinking that you can be in a long-term relationship with a girl if you just demonstrate that you can't Yeah. What does the evidence suggest? The evidence suggests that I love this
girl to bits, but I can't stop shagging other girls. Okay, so stop doing Allow Allow yourself to Yeah, allow yourself to enact Johnny fire away. I have a question. So, I think where that breaks down is I don't know what that was. I thought it was a animal. Um it implies that cuz it We're getting into monogamy here, aren't we? Do you agree? Whether that's possible. Yeah. I think probably and I don't know, this is a wild punt,
but I would imagine the highest percentage of cheating happens in relationships where people have been People are in their 40s to 50s. Been married a while. The spark has completely gone from a relationship, and that's when a lot of it happens. I think like There's a big breakdown of stats around cheating. I've complete I I'll have to find it and then believe it. We'll link it. We'll link it in mind. Oh, in fact, Is there any video
palace? video guy Dean Mhm. will make sure that that we will have those stats flowing on the screen. So, So, So, are these stats right here? It's these stats. Talking about or those ones? um higher incidences of cheating with attractive couples, which kind of makes sense, I guess, but because they've got better access. Maybe that's it. Or maybe maybe they feel more desirable. And I think there's also the there's a
it's a it's an immature game that some some women play and presumably some men as well. And I'm sure you've you've seen women that do this. This sounds like you've been on the sharp end or something. No, I I hasn't It hasn't happened to me. Really [ __ ] out of line. Actually, no, it has It has happened to me, but um yeah, so women who will deliberately look for men who are in a relationship And just and
just try and seduce them almost as a sense of like accomplishment. Just yeah, just to know that they can. I was once in a club and this girl came up to me and started being like really forthcoming with me. Like straight like straight away. I'm like, "Okay." have loved to have seen this. Her her manners are like, "Oh, come with me. Come upstairs." Came upstairs, like basically dragging me up and then
First touch proper protocol. Okay. And uh she and then she came up to her boyfriend and it was like she was clearly just trying to make him jealous. He was the first guy that she saw. I was like, "I'm going to get punched again by a Nazi." Should have signed him up to the proper protocol. Uh excuse me. Wouldn't have happened, would it? Yeah. Well, he wouldn't have signed up. If he had a If he had a 160 bench, she
wouldn't have She would never have gone to find you if he'd been on the proper protocol. Okay. properfitness.com/ Just properprotocol.com. properprotocol.com. There we go. Just bought the domain. Dean. Dean. Bing. So, what? So, moving on to the we've segued here, but I like do that bit? I feel like we were doing a bit. We're doing We're going to move on to the monogamy thing, but this is going to be evolutionary basis for monogamy.
Cool. So, anyone who's read Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan I've not. Okay. So, on Netflix documentary, right? Yeah. Well, Aubrey Marcus said the first time that he touched another woman that wasn't his wife, he was physically sick. And the first time his wife brought someone else home, he was physically sick. Is Is that it? Oh, he's like Like sounds great, Aubrey. Yeah, great, mate. Thank you. Seize Seize Seize that day, mate.
But get the bucket first. Yeah. Cuz I think he was like I was on I know for a dry retching for for weeks, and but I broke through the barrier and actually now it's really rewarding. All right, and you're like Okay, cool. Just like Sounds [ __ ] great, Aubrey. You know where he is at the moment? He's in the middle of the He's in Peru. Having drink green smoothies. Yeah, drinking green smoothies over and
over again. anthropological basis for monogamy. there's a to preface this, Mhm. there is I think it's called Explained on Netflix, and it is a series of 10 to 15-minute videos on a variety of subjects. There's one on Um there's one on something else. And there's one on monogamy. Right. Chris Ryan's on that. And if you want to find out a little bit more about why he believes there is a tenuous evolutionary
basis for humans being monogamous monogamous, watch that. Or read his book Sex at Dawn. Or listen to Bret Weinstein and Heather Heying on Joe Rogan. And they do a really lovely little breakdown of that. Cool. I'd like to take Not the Chris Ryan who's like the Geordie SAS guy who was with Ant Middleton. Different one. Not the same Radio 1. That's That's Chris Moyles. Chris Moyles. Pop culture lacking in this room. I I mentioned
Netflix yesterday on the podcast, and I was really proud. I was like, "I watched a series on Netflix the other day." Uh Cuz you're from it, you get it. Yeah.
this is a TED Talk. Again, there's so many resources, but it's called I think it's called Your Brain on Porn, or it's something about that. It's a psychiatrist talking about increase or influx of young men with erectile dysfunction, usually comorbid with depression, anxiety, those kind of And he thinks it's because of the increase in internet porn. And he says that this is based on a rat study where
they took a male rat, introduced a female rat, measured its arousal response by like penis circumference. Um and measured how that changed over Over time it so it rose above baseline, and then it became slowly desensitized to the female rat, introduced a new female rat, and it went above baseline. It need to be better. Yeah. It was just different. They kept doing that, and it kept going above baseline but less and
less until it became tolerant to the novelty of the stimulus. And eventually it went below baseline, and so it wasn't able to attain the same level of arousal that it did first time. And he says that we're doing this on a mass basis where we have unfettered access to a far greater rate of sexual novelty than you normally would in general human Mhm. And the rate rate of porn being produced far outpaces the rate that you
can watch it even on double speed if you wanted to. I love that when you said that you're like no one could keep up with the amount of porn on the internet. You know what I mean? When you think about that it's It's really true. Yeah. Did we ever do that podcast where I cited loads of Pornhub stats? I think I It's a great stats. They They produce that, don't they? Yeah. You know why They're a really
clever company. Why I think they do that? You can't market it, can you? Can't advertise People just organic shares, isn't You produce that, and people start telling their mates about it. Yeah. Cuz you don't have to I think of what That's the thing you don't ever you I've never been online and someone's sent me a link and been like What's this What's this link? Wait, xhamster.com/vid/ Mhm. So it's like
It it it Okay, have you got any more words to So that So he he says that what happens there is that this um we reset our baseline sensitivity to sexual stimulus, but also to general reward. And that porn addiction doesn't necessarily even come out of um wanting like out of a sexual drive anymore. It comes out of like just wanting some kind of emotional excitement and some something to do in It could be connection. Could be like
And And so people start watching weirder and weirder like It's like have you seen Randy in South Park where he starts out like he doesn't get any porn for ages and then he starts at like Brazilian fart porn. First thing goes in your mind. where where um Peter tells Quagmire about porn and he comes out and he's got his massive four arms Chris style. Yeah, that's it. And so um to move on. Mhm. For men. You can get porn on the
internet? Yeah. No. You can, Quagmire. So Here's Here's one of the things that I wanted to move on to and this One of the problems is you may be able to jump in and actually provide a framework for men that they can lay down for women. As I have done women for men. I haven't been able to and I haven't got it in my head. What I do have is a bit of advice for men who want to date. And I'd be interested to hear your
thoughts on this. Okay. men who are outside of the norm. Let's say there's a bell curve distribution of people who are normal. And by normal that is similar interests, similar mindset, similar everything. Like 9-5 job. Like football. Everything. Yeah, whatever it might be. Wherever Wherever the median falls, wherever the median falls, they are closer to that. By its very definition the deeper that you are as a person
the more contrary, subtle, or alarming your views are going to be society at large. I love the idea of an alarming Yeah. You're right. You're right. And given the choice between acceptability and honesty most of us usually would choose the former. Okay? So Very alarming button. What's that? I don't know how you pronounce his name. Alain de Botton. Alain de Botton. Alain Do you know why that is? Cuz it is a
It's a direct quote from Why We Are Born to Be Lonely. He said it so quickly. Alain de Botton. Very Alain de Botton. Alain de Botton. Uh so, the video that I'm citing here is one called Why We Are Fated to Be Lonely by School of Life. It's 6 minutes long, and I must have watched it about 100 times. I make sure it's linked in the show notes, but I advise anyone who's a person of depth to watch anything more. It completely
reframed my thoughts on this. And this is for advice for guys who perhaps don't fit into what would be a typical category. And if you are someone who's a little bit of an enigma to one degree or another that it doesn't fit into the archetypal role. For instance, as a good example is what I always talk about with yourself, like Top knot. Yeah, what That's why the top knot works, okay? Because clean-cut, often wear navy, but
oh my god, he's got a top knot. Oh my god, he can deadlift 310 kilos. Why is he a chartered accountant? Why does he run his own business? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. It's that enigma is what makes things interesting. even without the top knot, it's Yeah, a lot of people are still coming But the same You know, the same the same for all of us to one degree or another, and I think that's why we all get on. I think
mainly Scurb. It's mostly You are the You are the the outlier. You are an outlier amongst outliers. Um so, and here's my thing, right? So, what he says is that a certain degree of is a kind of tax that we have to pay to atone for a certain complexity of mind. That makes sense? What this means is it can lead to, especially men that have got a particular level of depth, to actually struggle dating, finding
connections with other people. And what I want this particular section of the podcast to do is to not only champion that kind of an approach for men to further themselves in life and in dating and in a bunch of other things, but also to get them to really dig their heels into what they what they believe in and who they are. I think it's important to first distinguish whether if you're listening to this you're like you that
you're not just like oh yeah, the reason I can't get any female attention is just cuz I'm such an enigma and I'm just so deep, man. Like What you don't understand here is like I just I got these thoughts and they go around in my head. Like yes. Yeah, it's it's like making the distinction and having being objective enough to say is it because of that that I'm unable to find a mate or is it I wish I could Find that quote cuz
it put it so well. I can't parallel park. Um my my t-shirts are always dirty. I haven't got a job and I'm single and I've got no idea why. I was saying yeah. Okay, so like clean clean the clean your room. Right. Do the basics. Basics stuff. Get rid of the low-hanging fruit, okay? Models by Mark Manson and it's got all the low-hanging fruit. That is vital for [ __ ] like this. Okay, cool. It's a shame I haven't read it,
It's so There's just There's no tactics or anything. It's literally just get think you'd be the best version of You wouldn't be surprised by anything in it. Cool. It's just Do you know what Do you know what You might know this. Do you know what the word Namaste means? I recognize the the infinite within you. The best in me and the best in you. Yeah, people water it down to mean that cuz it's like it sounds less like
Yeah. Okay. The infinite. The the divine within you. Got it. Okay. So, my my point here is that a number of men may when given the opportunity between honesty and acceptability, a number of women as well, but I can only speak from my personal experience, right? But this applies to women as much as it does to They have the choice between honesty and acceptability. And if your honesty results in catastrophic body odor or
racial slurs every other word, or do you know what I mean? Like you need to There needs to be some sort of mediating here. But for the most part what I'm talking about is someone who's maybe got a particular an alternative worldview or thinks about tries to distill concepts down in the mind or has a very active mind or maybe suffers with depressive thoughts or suffers with whatever it might be that
I'm talking from personal experience here and you can write this down by you know there's certain elements of my character and I don't want this to sound like I'm proclaiming that like showcasing myself. But I know as an absolute fact there will be less women overall that are interested in you. Your total area under the curve will be less as a man in terms of finding a mate, okay? Being this particular level of depth.
Mhm. But I promise you and this is to every man that's listening or watching out there you will total area under the curve you may suffer unless you pull your acceptability your honesty back in. every so often you are going to strike a girl that no one else can get. And I promise that that's the way that it works. That you will get to the stage where a girl that you never ever thought would be interested in you
or a friend that you never ever thought or an opportunity that you never thought that you would get this works across a whole number of the same for girls as And the reason for that is that you are the equivalent of a business that's servicing a niche market. And this market is completely completely And what they're doing is they're making do with other businesses that kind of get close to what they need. So like a
similar solution but not quite what they It's not quite what they want and every so often this person is going to find in you this unique blend a very very values. That they're not going to be able to replicate from someone under the You have got you have got absolutely not and this is the beauty this is one of the things I was having a discussion quite recently with someone about this. Again, guys that got this particular
level of depth. Mhm. A lot of the time because we are presented the best of everyone else's lives, but yet we see the worst of our own. And this is in normal discourse. No one ever say you don't say, "How's your day going?" And you go, "Oh man, it's [ __ ] [ __ ] actually. I woke up really depressed." It's the candor is you're just doing it. It's a greeting, right? It's the same as saying hello. We need to do a podcast on
honesty cuz it's such a It's the core tenant of what I'm talking about. A lot of the time integrity, virtue, honesty, be true to yourself, try not to lie as much as possible, etc. etc. So I'm talking to this guy and I'm saying, "Look, I'm aware that you get to see your own from the the front a front row seat, right? You see it every single second of the day. And you only get to see the this much the highlight reel of
everybody else's. Let's flip that on its head, right? What you have as a man or as a woman who sees their own depth is this really colorful world where you have so much depth, so much variety of views. And that means that you and only you can be you. But when you see the highlight reel of everyone else who are choosing acceptability instead of honesty, what do you see there? All you see is cookie-cutter design
that's just replicated and replicated and replicated over and over. So take that as your power. Like that is someone who a person who has a particular degree of depth. Is where you can draw an awful lot of power from that you go, "Well, hang on a second. Yeah, cool. This person I thought was really good for me or was this that and the other." And then maybe it's worked out or maybe it's not and I'm a little bit hurt or
whatever. And I thought that they were they were this girl that I never thought this guy that I thought I'd never get to be with. And I really really value them. But you go, "I see on Instagram and Facebook or on a night out or at work, I see [ __ ] millions of people like them. But I know through personal experience that there's only one of me. I think that's a really liberating thing to think. Really well put as well.
Well, this has been something that I've been that's been percolating around for a little while and I've been trying to distill it down. I think it's very that that distinction is probably more prevalent in your world in the sense in in the world that it that exists in the nightlife of than I think I feel exposed to. So, maybe. I think with it's an interesting one with Chris over the last 5 6 years, at least since
we've known him. What? Just No, I'm not going to say. Okay. That we've we we've seen you on this path of of becoming more authentic, becoming more comfortable with your own um with your own values that you didn't feel were acceptable and becoming more up front with that. The problem that confounds this is that you haven't gone down in acceptability deep down like you're a you're a decent person. You're not a You know, you said
like if your honesty is racial slurs and and being a prick and then you're actually trying to be more acceptable by coating over that then that's a different thing, but you've revealed someone who is a is fundamentally a good guy. And the authenticity in itself is an attractive trait. Plus, you are placed in a dominant hierarchy quite high up. That's That's That's what I That's what I wanted to try and And so so all of these factors
plus like you're a beautiful man. So, um all these things together You got to go to the bathroom. Yeah, let's let's do Um so so So, the problem is like you you maybe have like you haven't taken the hit on acceptability by becoming more honest because you have the other fundamentals in place. Also, still, I would still say to today, like my typical access, and I get to see the best cross-section of potential
partners, right? And this works for men and for women, I think, equally. A night out is a pretty good idea, cuz it's pretty ubiquitous environment for people to be in. Not everyone works at KPMG, not everyone goes to the gym, but almost everybody goes on nights out at some point. Yeah. Even if it's once a year, twice a year, once a week. Very good Representative sample. Yeah. And I know for a fact that I'm
my access or my um I imagine it'll have changed the access on the end ranges of the bell curve. Probably hasn't made much difference to the center of the bell curve. Still can't Still still can't relate to the vast majority of people in the middle. Like you I I'd imagine you you might sleep with a lot of them because they because there's no um there's no nuance in that interaction, and so there's not chance for that to be
picked up on. But then, yeah, your your access in the depth of or to the the people who are the the outliers, probably Mhm. But remember, so and here's here's the the crux of the story, and this is the men and for women, I want this particular element to read a little bit of a champion for romance, to a degree. We're not talking here about like how to shag as many people as possible. And, you know, there's
strategies behind that, as well. Like, you know, there's an entire culture for both men and women of of pick-up Um but this is more about champion for romance, right? And for whoever you are, you only really need You don't need to perform well in the league games in the middle of You only need to win the cup final once or twice. Because as long as you're able to do that and get that partner that you
really, really [ __ ] desire and that makes you feel whole, you only need to get that once or twice and not [ __ ] it. And that's you set for It's not about like no one remembers the guy that came in the world at in the CrossFit Open, but they remember the guy that won. Mhm. And it's exactly the same as that. You only need to win. Mhm. And by getting that but by um using your deepness and your uniqueness
as a virtue and taking a lot of power from that, taking your power from that. It allows you to access these people as potential partners who you never would have done had you have pushed yourself right into the middle of the bell curve. Not only have you lied about who you are so that you're never going to have a real connection with this person and you're then potentially trapped in this prison of pretending to be this person
for the rest of your life which you never were. So, your level of depth of connection at the beginning and for all eternity until you die or break up with them is is locked into this like semi-truthful approach. You also get to you get to have a partner that you feel proud of because they love you for you. Yeah, there's an advantage overall and I like I I think in that sense you you maybe don't need to take the hit on
acceptability in any in any case. Like yeah, it it only opens up options. It doesn't close them off. And the more you understand yourself the more you can be authentic in a relationship and the more you can give in that as well. Mhm. So, the next question is how do you know that the partner's the right partner? Uh do you did you want to do one on the monogamy as well? a whole framework for it. You do? But that's what those those
notes are. Cuz I I was going to say, can we can we get on to these uh It's a very big it's a very different path. Well, I think that we can probably close this one there. Okay. I think that we can draw a line under this podcast. And I'd said before we started this one I wanted this one to be as close to serious as we can do. We're about to roll in with Q&A, which is definitely not going to be serious. Absolutely.
Video guy Dean, I have um I do. I've run out of battery on the G7X. Oh, no. FYI, we can get a roundabout bang on an hour of three 20-minute videos in there. So, if you're listening, please subscribe to the Modern Wisdom YouTube channel. We will be coming back at some point soon when we've got fresh cognitive capacity. Mhm. And we will be So, it's whether to decide to get in a relationship or not. How to decide
who to be in a relationship with. And then some principles to to see if that person's a viable long-term partner. So, everything from what we've discussed I think that's really cool. I've enjoyed today. That's been awesome. Don't forget to subscribe. Please make sure that you follow Propane Fitness @propane_fitness on everything online, @chriswillx on Twitter, all the rest of the stuff. Um He's not He's not going to want the tax,
and it's going to leave me looking like Are you okay? See, this is the You're having a fit, aren't you? You look like you were trying to land a Okay. Okay, bye then. Okay, bye then.
Yeah, away. Yeah, offense.