Bert Kreischer

00:00The Joe Rogan Experience That black guy voice makes me uncomfortable, dude. I'm going to be honest with you. Because it's not really a black guy voice. It's a white guy talking like a black guy, which is never cool. Which is not even right. It's actually a robot that's been programmed to be a black guy. It's a robot that's white, made by white people. They don't know how to do a black voice. I liked Keira Knightley better. Keira Knightley was better. That was so hot. There's something about a black guy faking a white voice is really completely acceptable. I do the best black voice. Yeah? Oh, dude. What is it? Does it weird you out, though, when you can call somebody on the phone and you know that they're black when you're talking to them? You're like, how would I describe this to an alien? You know? How would I describe how I know this is a black guy? But I know it's a black guy. I missed that laugh.

01:16That's so funny. That laugh brought to you by Burt Kreischer, ladies and gentlemen. Follow Burt on Twitter. B-E-R-T-K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R. also known as birth to conquer on the travel channel, which just started, right? Yep. Last week was our first episode. First week. Powerful. Yeah. And it was a rating success. Great ratings. Great. Social media success. Social media success was a brand new thing. They track on trend TV or TV trenders. And my agent sent it to me. He's like, you conquered. And I was like, I did. And he was like, you were number nine, right behind the Kardashians. Whoa. Right behind the fucking. But it's just me. It's me. I literally, here's my theory about promotion on Twitter. I think you have to promote with a joke, and that's my rule. If you obsessively – like I told you the other day, Ralphie has just taken Twitter to a brand new level. Thank you, Brian. Joe hasn't seen any of it.

02:07I'm like, how have you dodged that bullet? That's like coming out of Iraq and go, they've been bombing in here? It's like what Ralphie May is up to. Oh, I guarantee you he's tweeted in the last two minutes. I guarantee you. Yeah, I just added him, and already he's been Kevin Smithing me. Yeah. For people who don't know Is it Ralphie underscore May? I don't know It's him in that big orange jacket Yeah, Ralphie underscore May It's, whoa, Jesus Christ He's been on Twitter for how long? Like a week? Literally a week, maybe a week and a half And he had like 15 tweets Or like 20 tweets Up until then, and I'm sure there's a thousand now I can't tell how many tweets he has Because for some reason my computer has gone back to the old Twitter. You know, I was using the new Twitter, you know, the new Twitter site. I don't know how to switch it up. It's not at the very top. Is it Ralphie underscore May?

02:59Ralphie underscore May. Here, I'll just go into my trend, and I'll find him right away. I don't know what happened. All right, he's got a total of... What? That can't be right. He just started using it. 1,082 tweets. And he's only been using it in a couple weeks. God. That's true. Is that true? Yeah, that's true. Unless he's got some kind of – In Ralphie's defense, he's not promoting anything. He's simply arguing. He hasn't learned not to argue with people yet. So he's just going back and forth. That's something you really have to learn too, man. You have to learn that shit. Yeah, I just – I never reply to anyone at all. And I promote – I only promote with a joke. So if I'm going to promote the show, I'll do something funny to promote it. And then I think those get retweeted. I try to be – I'm not always funny.

03:49If I find some interesting shit, I just throw up some interesting shit, anything that I think is fascinating, whether it's funny or not. And if I have to promote something, I promote something. But I always try to treat it as if I'm always aware of people's attention spans. And anything interesting that I find, I give to Twitter immediately. I give it right back always. You're a different animal than, say, myself or Brian, who if we promote, then people will just delete us and be like, enough of that shit. Yeah, exactly. People want to see your shit. They don't want to see our shit. They want to see you. They want to see you. When you're pounding them left and right, we're the guy at the orgy fingering assholes. You're the guy everyone came to fuck. We're the guys just pow. Even grosser, I went to this one guy's Twitter. I don't want to mention his name because I don't particularly like him.

04:30But it was all promoting some special that's coming out. And it was all like him tweeting celebrities using the exact same wording, just having a different celebrity's name. Hey, blank. Hey, whoever. Kim Kardashian. Holla at your boy. My special's coming out. Blah, blah, blah. And his whole Twitter was that. Is he an official Twitter, like a verified account? Yeah, yeah. He has a verified account. Wow. That's somebody. I wonder if that's almost like an assistant that's like, no, you're supposed to use my name. It could be that or it could be just someone who doesn't know how to use social media and is an annoying cunt. What's his name rhyme with? We'll talk later. I tweeted the game on Sunday, like an hour before my show started. The game, The Rapper. Yeah, I was like, yo, The Game, you in LA? I'm having a barbecue at my house. Bring over some potato salad.

05:17But I was just like, if he does reply, the hood's on my shit, son. Here's what I used to do. Okay, ready? This was my favorite thing to do. I used to go on to black-centric trend topics. Okay? Black-centric trend topics. Just type in whatever the trend topic is. There's going to be one that reads black. Okay. Like mine was V-Day gifts for the hood. Valentine's Day gifts for the hood. And so I thought it would be funny if – and it's all like very – it's black people being racist about black people. It's just them writing like, get her a click-clack. You know she needs a gun in the hood. Get her another baby. You know she's already got ten of y'all's. How about child support, son? And so then I wrote back, how about anything Dungeons & Dragons, son? And no one got it, right? No one laughed at all, and they started getting mad. Like, what are you doing in here, man? Get out. Get out, white boy.

06:08And then I was like, give me another chance. They said, get out, white boy. White boy, this is for the hood. Don't you read the trend topic? And I'm like, all right, how about a classy pen? And they're like, no, a classy pen? Like, what the fuck? And then I was like, all right, all right, all right. One more chance. How about a bottle of champagne, but you spray it all over like a hoe? And they're like, that's more like it. Oh, my goodness. But Tom Segura, I got Tom Segura on them. And Segura started, and I started doing them. And it was like, I forget the one. I know it's saved in my phone. But I got Segura on them. And I was like, don't write anything racist. Just write very good suggestions that you would think. Like one was things black people scared of. And then – And this is – so this is a trending topic. How do you start a trending topic? Trending topic is pound sign and then one word.

06:51I'll tell you what trending right now. Yeah, like whatever it is. One word all in one word, right? Right now is – Like what are black people scared of would be no spaces, all one word. Like Charlie Sheen has been one of the – Right, winning. Winning. Tiger blood. Yeah. And then the trend topics right now is what's dead in 2011. Why can't you just – so like I'm sure it's like why can't you just – pick up your baby girl when you say to pick up your baby girl. And then this one's Ask Lil Twist. Who's Lil Twist? I don't think he's a scientist. I'm going to say he doesn't teach much. Let's Google Lil Twist. Whenever something like this happens, I'm guessing a child rapper. Whenever something like this happens, I really feel so out of it, man. When I hear about this child. Born in 93. Jesus Christ. He was born when I was auditioning for news radio. I graduated. That's when he shot out of his mom's box. 93. Wow.

07:45I was still in college. His name is Christopher L. Moore, born January 11, 1993, better known as his stage name Lil Twist. He's an American rapper. An American rapper from Dallas. He signed on to Lil Wayne's label. Oh, that's why he's Lil. Lil Twist, Lil Wayne. I don't understand. He's a Lil rapper. I don't understand Lil Wayne. He's under six feet is what they're probably saying. Lil Wayne is a fascinating cultural icon to me. I watch his music and I am completely perplexed. It's like a language I just do not speak. It doesn't, whatever it is, it just doesn't get me. I don't understand it. I'm going to sound horrible. They are fucking, he is huge, man. He is gigantic. Massive. He couldn't be bigger. Is he the biggest rapper ever or one of them? He is the biggest rapper. He is the most commercially successful rapper right now, I think probably ever. Man, I feel like I should give him another chance.

08:36I feel like there must be some reason why I'm – Here comes the black in me out. His earlier stuff is much better than his later stuff. When he was with the Hot Boys, he was amazing. I ran into him in juvenile, and like they had a band. There was four of them out of New Orleans, and his earlier stuff, he was good, man. He had rhymes that would blow you away. Wow. So now everyone just go on to Lil Twist, ask Lil Twist trend topic, and ask very insightful questions that you know Lil Twist doesn't have the answer for. Don't try to be racist. The whole goal is not to be racist. It's just to be like, seriously, do you think there's life forms out in the universe, Little Twist? And just see what Little Twist is answering. You know he has an answer for that. Listen, Little Twist grew up with the internet. He might be smart as fuck. The thing about kids today, man, you can never underestimate them.

09:21It's not like they don't have the same access to information that we do. When we were kids, we were retarded because no one told us shit. We were figuring things out like little monkeys just wandering around our neighborhoods. But now there's no more neighborhoods, man. There's the whole world, man. Those stupid rumors that you heard about, dude, I heard that Rod Stewart had to get his stomach pumped and there was a gallon of sperm inside. Those stupid fucking stories only lingered and worked because we didn't have anything else. That shit would never fly today. A hamster in the ass. Yeah. Which, by the way, I heard was – this is my rumor. I heard that that was Scientology spreading that rumor to fuck with him. Really? Because he left Scientology. Yeah, that's what I heard. I might have just made that shit up. Let's Google that.

10:09So now here's, I'll tell you the, so this is the trend topic I started was, and this is what I, this brings it back to our conversation yesterday. I started doing a trend topic. What will the maid think when she sees this? That was the trend topic. Okay. So then I started leaving a hotel room in a manner so that the maid walked in. She would go, what the fuck happened in here? Okay. Now you're on your Twitter right now. I'm just going to tweet these, Joe. and I'm telling you when I say this this might be my opus okay this might be the this funnier play than anything I've ever done on stage okay I definitely think that I'm on the homepage waiting I'm tweeting I'm tweeting the first and they're I at signed you so this is the and it's going chronologically I've gotten much better as you'll see my later work much like Little Wayne's so your early inspired shit was really good I just started getting to the next level

10:57like Adam Richman started doing them too and then he started challenging me on Twitter And then people were like Dude, you guys are fucking And then I started really thinking out of the box And I got into this Jackson Pollock Hyper Tweet this shit, son I'm trying to get on with it I'm tweeting it Where the fuck is it? It's coming up right now And so I got into this manic state When I was in New York to impress And I was trying to come out with them To promote the show And I was getting some good ones, man Like really fucking impressive I mean, like some good shit I guarantee you There's artists on Twitter that go You've got great conceptual boundaries Or whatever What? Really? I'm telling you, Joe. Is there artists on Twitter that can teach you how to tweet up a fucking twit? Here we go. It's coming up right now. Sending tweet. There we go. Use your cell phone service. There's the first one. There's the second one.

11:42And a third one should be coming up, too. Oh, my goodness. Here we go. All right. Here we go. What will the maid think when she sees this? Okay. Blind. Clicking completely blind. Okay. I click this. Oh. He's got the bed made up. Look like a nun. Now, mind you, this is my early work. Wait till you go through and see how good my shit has gotten. I'll retweet it. I'll retweet it so you can get it better. That's fucking beautiful. Oh, there's a bunch of them in here. I've got more than I could post right now. I just went through my early shit and now my later shit. So is this how you entertain yourself on the road? Look at number two. What's that one? The refrigerator that looks like a man's body. A torso with clothes. That's hilarious. This is my, I'm telling you. Meanwhile, the real sad part is the main's probably not going to see it. It's going to be the next guest. Yeah. They're going to pass right by it.

12:32Fucking maids are going to clean that lazy bitch. She's tired. I talk about this all the time, but I always... The third one doesn't work, bro. The third link doesn't work. Now go to the latest recent tweet. Birthday Conqueror Sunday 8 p.m. With toilet paper. And he made a fucking doll. This is hilarious. Did that take you? It was talking about three hours? Oh, dude. Three hours in a fucking hotel room just whacked out with a bottle of wine. These are hilarious. Just. I retweeted the first one. Let me retweet the second one. This hotel in Portland we were just in. I usually do the whole cum thing. And I don't – You don't really do that. I don't really normally do it as much as I say. I'm not saying I haven't done that. Yeah. But this time I decided to do it because I was in bed and I was like – I didn't want to wipe it on the bed. I didn't want to get out.

13:16So I threw it like kind of up behind me and it went straight down on my iPhone. Good. I hope it gave your iPhone AIDS. Come karma. I hope your iPhone dies. Do you think crazy like that? My iPhone starts getting a cough. We're talking about Bird Crush's hilarious pictures. You're going to talk about shooting your own load on the wall. Oh, we're talking about hotels. No, we're talking about some very specific thing that this guy's doing. It's very hilarious. I love the Birth to Conquer one, Sunday at 8 p.m. That was my office. That was the best thing I've ever done. That was genius, man. That was genius. I just tweeted all these folks. And if you're listening to this on the podcast, go back to the day that we recorded this, which is April 5th on Tuesday, 3.30 p.m. Pacific time. So if you want to find those tweets because they'll get lost in the mix. that's hilarious yeah they're very funny I feel like

14:01and then I was talking to Heffron the other day on doing radio and he was in Pittsburgh and Heffron's like I love those pictures I was like why don't you do them and he was like you know I've thought of it but I didn't want to steal it like I didn't want to do it and feel like I stole it and I go Heffron and this is to any comic listening I don't give a shit do it but you gotta tweet it to me because I want to see it because I don't want to copy your shit one day right so this is the tweet it's what would the what is the hashtag I didn't put the hashtag in there but what would the maid think when she sees this And it's all one word. All one word. What would the maid think when she sees this? And just tweet it to Bert. And let's fucking get to it. This one is great. The guy who's jumping out the window. Yeah, I did that one in Canada. Last minute. They all happened at the last minute. That's hilarious. Yeah, so.

14:42What the fucking. This one. Fangs. Look at this. This is ridiculous. That's the one Adam Richman was like. He was like, you cheated. I go, what do you mean I cheated? He goes, you fucking. You got to use this shit in the room. And I go, no, I use this shit in the room. That's towels, napkins, and ketchup. and he was like, what the fuck? Dude, you just owned him. That's why he's upset. You can't compete with this. I would quit the game. If you were playing this game, I'd be like, this guy's playing this game way seriouser than I am. Bert, you need to have a part on your website that has a collection of these because if that becomes big, which it seems like it would be, you need to be the center home base of that. So you should go home and immediately do that. Yeah, yeah. The Travel Channel got a hold of it and they're like, we love it. We want to use it to promote the show. We're going to do a caption contest.

15:22We're going to send them out. And then they called one day. I was in Mexico and they're like, and I wasn't sleeping. And they're like, I need, we need seven more. What? Seven. What the fuck? Do you think I'm on meth? How am I going to come up with seven? And they're like, just do it. Just do it. And I was like, I couldn't. And I was sitting in Mexico, fucking no TV, listening to the Joe Rogan podcast on experience on my iPad in bed with me in a pillow next to me. Cause I couldn't, I was, I was having anxiety and I was fucking flipping out and it's like, it's the best. I put it on low. So I feel like friends are talking in the next room. And it puts me to sleep. I just sit there and I just, and then you wake up and you hear. dog dog dog joey fucking he wakes me up every time anytime he talks more people complain about

16:03joey and his volume control joey joey will lean back like this listen here's what the problem is joey we got a fucking problem there brian this fucking cocksucker and then i'll get right up in there and you're like oh jesus christ yeah he's someone i feel like i really miss i don't even think i want to meet him like i just because i want to just have him be the personality he is He is Joey You don't have to worry about meeting him You meet him and you love him He's the most unique human being I've ever met When he tells that story about his mom His stories, he tells a story He's one of the best storytellers He leaves out the parts that make you stop and wonder And then right when you're wondering He hits you with a fucking joke He tells you the story about them playing cards Was his mom gay? I don't think so I thought there were lesbians in the story And she'd go, shake your hand Joey

16:54shake your hand oh when he would dance yeah shake his hand in his underwear this sounds like a fucking tv show like i don't know how this guy has not gotten a tv show one of the most interesting guys i've ever fucking listened to so crazy that's why remember when he got pissed off yeah for nothing we were uh on the way to the gig right and they were uh in the lobby and the show starts in like you know 20 minutes or 15 minutes whatever the fuck it is and so i'm headed downstairs dog i've been waiting for you down here for a half an hour dog don't leave me hanging here like this I go, don't worry about it. The show starts when we get there. Come on, dog. You know me, dog. You can't leave me hanging here like this, dog. And he wouldn't drop in. He got crazy. It got to like that times five more levels. Like, dog, you have to give me respect. You got your respect, dog. Don't make me leave.

17:39Don't leave me down here waiting for you, dog. What are you talking about, Joey? It was crazy. Meanwhile, I'm trying to discuss whether or not I should tell him that I had to take a meaty shit. It took a little longer than I thought it was going to take. Look, it's not like I don't want to be on time for my own fucking show. All right? We're here. No one's dying. We'll be there in five minutes. It was weird. Forever. I've known him for like 11, 12 years now. Maybe even 13. I might have met him in, yeah, it might be 13 years. Fuck. That's crazy. He was drawing a picture in the green room while Joe was talking to some friends. And he goes, Brian, record this. I'm like, well, what? And I'm like, okay. So I started recording him just drawing something. And then he pulls up the sign that says, Brian loves Taylor Vixen, who's my ex. And I'm like, what the fuck?

18:21And then he pulls out his balls and puts his balls behind it. And I'm just like, Jesus Christ, man. It's like Joey Diaz's balls in a room that small is deadly. I bet his balls are massive. Massive, sweaty. You two queers should go get a room. Talking about Joey Diaz's balls. The fuck? Dog, dog. Yeah. Well, what Joey did is he made a funny video to Brian's ex because Brian had made a couple of other funny videos. He's torturing her I'm not torturing her Joey Diaz is torturing me And you're sending him Well I'm sending him because they're funny I think she would think it's funny Not like torturous I'm not saying torture like you're hurting her Torture also means fun Like oh he's fucking torturing her Doesn't necessarily mean you're trying to hurt her She has an RSS feed Brian shut the fuck up please Oh is this the whole fucking Bill Burr argument By the way which continued onto Bill Burr's podcast

19:13and now apparently under Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast, which is even more ridiculous. I was so disappointed in Bill when I heard him talking on his own podcast about it. I'm like, wow. And then here's the worst part about it. He goes, and I just wanted to say I won. I even talked to my lawyer. My lawyer said that I could sue. I won. I was like, Jesus Christ. Somebody go find Bill and give him a fucking hug. It's so ironic that Bill was talking shit about people who smoke weed, if anybody needs weed, it's Bill Burr. Oh, he could definitely use a bullhead. Fuck yeah, he could. He's so intense. He's a very intense guy. But I always assume that's what everyone in Boston is like. Yeah, very similar. It's a hard place. That's why comedy there is such a good place to grow up and start doing comedy because you learn very early on to appreciate people's attention spans because they will fucking boo you off

20:04the stage with the quickness. We did. I did a show at what was the comedy Connection? Comedy Connection. For the Jameson tour, it was me, Billy Gardell, Steve Byrne, and Danny Bevins, I think. And we had to do the show to get renewed. Like, do the show to get the tour renewed. And the tour was a dickload of money for us. It was like four grand a weekend. And all he had to do was 20 minutes. And Billy Gardell was like, I probably shouldn't talk out of school about Billy, but Billy had just quit drinking. And he's sober now. But had just quit drinking like that Thursday and was like, I'm never touching it again. And we've got to go. And he's fucking freaking out. And he's like, you got to close the show. And I got to follow like three guys that are all fucking bang, bang, bang in Boston. And I'm nervous about doing well in Boston because I kind of do race. I used to do a lot of race stuff then. And I was like,

20:58fuck. And I just came out the gates and I was like, I just gave it everything I had just bam, bam, bam, bam. And then like 15 minutes in, I'm like, if I can keep this energy going, then we fucking and i had a good set and we got the tour renewed but uh of course just fucking dumped on some black eye in the front row the whole time he loved it he was with a white chick she had red hair does that sound weird when the girl's like but that was yeah if i was my only experience in boston boston's a fun place fun town too bad it gets too cold never live there again sorry love you guys yeah i couldn't live there great place for comedy though when you you live in a place where it's that fucking harsh you know that kind of an environment you know i mean but you think you know a lot of good comics come out of la too so that argument kind of sucks you're from

21:40but don't start in la yeah some of them do who yeah well i've met some comics that started out here holtzman started out here didn't he he did right i know i know guys who started out here that are really good it's um i mean you can start anywhere man i started in new york i did it once in tallahassee and uh and then moved right to new york did it in new york and got my lunch money taken really fucking quick yeah just i my first time ever on stage this guy louis schaefer was like I said I wanted to be a comic so I and it was it's a long story but my dad gave me one of those phone calls you don't ever want to have from a parent where he called me one morning on my birthday I'm expecting a birthday phone call and he calls me he's like you're pathetic you make me sick to my stomach well I'm embarrassed of you you said you were going to be a comic you got

22:22Rolling Stone wrote an article about you and you said you're going to move and be a comic and you've been there eight months and you haven't done shit and I lie I lie about you like judges say how's your son doing and I lied you know what that makes me feel like oh wow it's my birthday okay I'm sitting hungover in my underwear on my couch that I grew up on in New York. I had that up there. And my dad's just like, and I was like, he's like, I failed you as a parent. I failed you. You have no humility. I don't know what to do. Just keep doing what you do. I guess get a fucking job. You have no humility? I had no humility at the time. In what way? I just didn't. I didn't have the, like, I was like, I want to be a comic. But I didn't know how to go about getting it because I felt like I was too good to work the door or to, you know, does that make any sense when I say that?

23:04I felt like I was too good to just get in at the ground level. I wanted to be discovered. I wanted to be... What brought that on? I don't know. I think a lot of people are like that. Hubris? Just youth? Yeah, I think a lot of people that... How old were you? 26. Really? Yeah, and I was too young to like... The open mic scene was all alternative comedy. And like Dimitri and Martin and I started around the same time. And Dimitri just got welcomed by them. And I hung out and no one ever talked to me. And I was like, oh, fucking great. So then I just hung out at the comedy clubs and drank in the back of comedy clubs. You know what I've always found ironic about alternative comedy is that a lot of alternative comics were like outcasts and they felt like they were kind of nerds or whatever. And meanwhile, they are like the least welcoming. The most – I mean – And the weirdest like backstabby-ish, catty-ish.

23:55It's very strange that you would think that the people that were picked on would be like really open and warm and friendly. Yeah. They were brutal. I would go to, I forget the name of the fucking surf reality and collective unconscious. And I would hang out, try to do sets. And no one would speak to me. No one would speak to me. And I would just be sitting there and Dimitri would talk to me. And then he literally would come and talk to me and then walk away and talk to all them. And then come back and talk to me. And I was just fucking. But I never felt like an alternative. Is that you though? Or is it them? No, I would try to talk to people. And whenever I said, they'd make fun of me. Like I remember. They would make fun of you. Like how? The first, anything out of my mouth, they'd just go, okay, okay. And this is the comics. This is the comics. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, because they wanted you to feel uncomfortable.

24:37Oh, they wanted me to feel horrible. Wow, isn't that weird? Oh, it's the worst. And then I go to like – It's so common though. Oh. Oh. Go – I'm generalizing and I don't want to do that. But go hang out at fucking – I'm trying to think of a name. UCB. And see how – I know Tom said he went and did – they have a comic book comedy. I did a set there once and I had a great time. I only did it once. And I remember somebody pointed me to a thread somewhere where the people said they actually enjoyed the show, but they were like, what the fuck is Joe Rogan doing here? That's so stupid. That is so stupid that people would say that. It is, but it isn't. I mean, they're expecting a certain particular type of comedy that maybe makes it feel good. But your comedy is the same. That's what really upsets – not upsets me. I don't give a shit, personally. I'm not looking to get spots at a comic book store.

25:23I did a comic book store. Tom Segur just did one, and he said he was great. I did it for Duncan. It was awesome. Duncan? But Duncan is kind of welcomed. Yeah, he's welcomed everywhere. Duncan's a genius. He can float between worlds. But what were you saying? So I had no humility. That's what it gets to. And it was just I would sit in the back of comedy clubs. How does this translate? This is where I'm confused. You say you have no humility at the time. You thought you were too good. But yet here you are in these alternative rooms and everyone's treating you like shit. Do you think they're connected? I'm sure there were. I'm sure that my perception of what the status quo of comedy clubs was perceived from the way I've been treated. But I'd go to the Boston Comedy Club at the cellar, and I'd say hi to Attell and Norton. They were all cool, but they were also working comics, and that's what I wanted to be.

26:10And I think what my dad's note was, my dad's the kind of guy that if he wanted something, he would get it. And he'd go, and he'd say, this is what I want. Can you please help me get this? And I would not, that guy, I'd just hang out in the back of the club and go. You know, in their defense, in anybody's defense, when it comes to hanging out with new people, man, I try to be as friendly and as open with everybody that I can. New comics. I love talking to new comics. But, man, there's a certain point in time, sometimes in the middle of a conversation, when you realize, oh, I'm stuck talking to this dummy. Yeah. You know? That's annoying, man. When you have a good group and a good vibe, you know, so maybe you came off, like, too loud or too— I didn't say a word. Really? I was—man, I was like— Maybe your stage, your act. I went from this— What were they judging you from? I never got on stage.

26:50So what were they judging you from? I was nice. Everyone liked me, but the alternative people didn't. You must have said a word because you said they were mocking you for saying anything. Oh, the alternative comedics. Yeah. I'd go up and I didn't know how to do stand-up. Oh, so you did go up on stage. Yeah, I'd go up and surf reality and collective unconscious, but you'd pay three bucks and go up at the end of the night. Right. That was how those rooms worked back then. Right. Well, then you can understand why they didn't want to talk to you, right? Yeah, I can understand that they didn't want to talk to me. Thanks. Bring it back to the fucking... I mean, I have to break down everything. That's what I did. But they weren't funny either. It's not like anyone was killing. Right. They would laugh at whatever they said because they had said it. And it also was a certain sensibility too, right?

27:28Yeah, and my shit was like I was trying to be funny in any comedy club. Anyway. You were trying to be funny in any comedy club? I was just trying to be funny. I didn't know there was a difference in alternative. There isn't. We were talking about that before, about this guy that they were saying is the founder of alternative comedy. We both agreed he's not even an alternative comic. He's just a comic. What does that even mean? You know who I think was the founder of alternative comedy? As far as I know, if it all came out of Boston, supposedly it all came out of Catch a Rising Star. It was David Cross. Because David Cross was doing like really weird shit. What about Steve Martin? Oh, well, Steve Martin is an icon. I mean, Steve Martin's a different thing. He's not. What David Cross did, here's one of the things he did. Let me give you an example. He put on a stretching tape for like a warm-up exercise tape.

28:15And then he started stretching and talking on stage about his stretching. and I don't know why but it was silly there was something funny about it but it was completely ridiculous that he was taking this chance to go on stage but like a lot of people weren't laughing but everybody had a smile on their face like what the fuck is he doing it was fun Steve Martin was a comic he's just silly you know he often did a lot of alternative stuff on stage alternative stuff like what like he would do banjo stuff he would do like that's a banjo alternative that's not an alternative alternative The idea of alternative is like hipster. It's like nerdy, super smart. You know, that's what alternative comedy is supposed to be. Like not too loud, not too physical. Steve Martin is the antithesis of that. He's the absolute opposite of what you would consider alternative comedy.

29:03I can't put my finger on alternative comedy per se, whether it is or it isn't. But I can put my finger on what alternative comics dislike. Like I can go on the road and go, this guy would. When you see guys on the road, their act is just unbearable. And you're like, holy shit. And I think what they think is that is the comedy that goes on not in UCB. That is the comedy that's everywhere. And that is like – I don't think a lot of them go on the road and see what you do on the road or see what the road's like. Well, eventually the road becomes the same everywhere. I'm going to tell you that. My crowds are – they're sometimes more enthusiastic in different towns, but they're all the same now. It's everybody's. they all know what I'm doing. So it's not an issue anymore. But when you're young and no one knows who you are and you go on stage, if you're used to doing the UCB

29:51and getting those really polite laughs and chuckles in the back of the room with some witty reference that you made to some fucking Dune novel, you know what I'm saying? Something about the spice. And everyone in the UCB thinks it's so funny. Do that shit in Tallahassee, Florida. They'll throw bottles at you, motherfucker. There's a problem with when no one knows who you are, man, that's when it's really tough. When you're not bringing in your own crowd. You can get really soft easily if you're a name and you have a bunch of people that come to see you all the time and they give you so much love and they want you to succeed. They want to laugh. They don't have any arms crossed staring at you sideways. Good comedy is good comedy. Patton Oswalt makes me laugh. I don't give a fuck what anyone says. He makes me giggle. First time I ever saw him on stage,

30:38he was like, he's really big in the alternative comedy scene. I was like, oh really? Then he just murdered. and it wasn't alternative. It was just funny. He's big in the alternative comedy scene because he's a comic book nerd and he loves science fiction and he fits in physically. They accept him, but he's a great writer. That's what he is. He's one of the best. His book is really good. I haven't read it yet, but I picked it up. To put it in perspective, to bring it full circle if this is possibly at all possible. That is who I was in New York in 1997. Trying to fit in. trying to break my way into comedy through having beers with comics and not fitting in an alternative and not being having the the gumption or the gregariousness to break in in the so were you doing sets i wasn't i was i don't even know what the fuck i was doing i was working out at barnes

31:28and noble so you were working at barnes and noble no working out yeah working out oh this is bad like you do sets at barnes and noble i was working at barnes and noble and then working out during the day in the basement, like I was fucking, I got fired from Barnes and Noble. This is the worst. I was working at Barnes and Noble at Astro Place. No fucking AC. And so every day I would, you ever have a job where you lift boxes and as you do, you're like, that's not a bad, that's a goodbye workout. And you're like, oh, all right, I'll do a little bit of this. And if I do this all day long, I'm fucking jacked by by the end of the summer. So I'd go down to the basement and you can take the freight elevator. I'm going to sound like a psycho in five minutes. You can take the freight elevator to the basement and no one could get down there because you had the elevator.

32:07And so once I got to the basement, I'd take off my clothes and start working out and just like do push-ups, sit-ups, fucking curls with boxes, hold books out and do fucking these fucking jobs, front rows. And I'd work out. And then there was no AC. So then I'd wait until I cooled down, put all my clothes back on, get in the freight elevator, walk up. And I just killed like 30 minutes. And when you have a job like that, to kill 30 minutes is a – it's like fucking, God, I'm that much closer to being done. Right, right. So I'm like, this is – and I'm eating rip fuel. Do you remember rip fuel? Yeah. I'm popping fucking three fuels every three hours, right? Oh, my God. I'm like a tweaker running around, shelving travel books, going down to the basement, pounding like I'm in fucking Oz. Just. And then come up sweating like a motherfucker with a name tag on.

32:51And so, like, two weeks into it, my boss, Dwayne, pulls me aside. And he was like, hey, man, you've been spending a lot of time in the basement. And I was like, oh, yeah, because I've got to get travel books. And that's where we keep them all down there. And he's like, yeah, do you know we have video cameras? Oh, my God. And I was like, I didn't know that. And he's like, you're fucking fired. And I was like, Dwayne, I can explain. He goes, no, I can't have someone getting into their underwear in the basement, working out when they should be working, and then coming back up, and then interacting with people. And I was trying to be a comic, so I was trying to think alternatively, and I'm on speed, which is fucking... So theoretically, I would do funny shit, but it was crazy if you didn't know me exactly.

33:36Some guy told me the other day we were doing a promo shoot for HGTV, and I did a joke at the end of the day. I go, is that funny? He goes, Bert, everything you do is only funny if you've spent fucking 24 hours with you. And so, yeah, so I got fired and then came home. That would be great to have that tape if anyone at Barnes & Noble has that. Oh, my God. That's hilarious. His name was Dwayne. I remember he asked me if I wanted to be a manager like a week before that, and I was like, no. And he was like, what? And I was like, he was like, you don't want to be a manager? And I was like, no. He was like, why do you – what do you want to do then? I was like, I want to be a comedian. And I was like, this isn't what I do. And he looked at me dead in the face. He goes, this is what you do. This is who you are. You work at Barnes and Noble. Don't think you're better than us. You're not.

34:14I was like, fuck, I'm out of here soon. I didn't know I was going to get fired, but. Don't think you're better than us. Yeah. There was a guy that I, when I was driving limousines, that had that same attitude. He would get pissed at me if I wanted to go home after working eight hours. Because I was like, I'm gone, man. I got to go. I got a gig to do. And he was like, hey, eight hours is nothing around here. You know, a lot of other guys doing 12, 15 hour shifts. I go, okay, good, good for them. Bye. I'm going to leave. And, uh, you know, and he's like, you know, what makes you think the job's going to be in the morning? I go, dude, I worked eight hours. I got to go. I got a gig. He goes, where's your gig? So I told him where the gig was. Well, the gig got switched. It was one of those things where, you know, like, uh, it was a, you know, a little hundred dollar gig or something like that.

34:52And one of the booking agents, uh, you know, I'd called him up and he said, Hey, would you rather do this one in Connecticut? It's a pays one 50. I'm sorry. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, so he switched me and moved me to this other place. So asshole calls the first place, and I'm not there. He goes, yeah, I called that fucking job. You weren't there. You're a liar. I'm like, no, it got switched, you fucking creepy stalker prick. Like I work eight hours, but his whole attitude was that he wanted to keep me a driver. That's what they want to do. Escaping. I can feel it, yeah. A lot of times, I mean, I think that goes. With everything. Even comedy. Yeah, well, sure. People are haters, man. A lot of people, it's way easier for them if you're a failure.

35:35Way easier for them if you're not ambitious, if you're not like, when you're a guy and this poor fuck was like, you know, he's in his like late 30s and he smokes cigarettes and he just looked like a broken dream. He had nothing going on, you know, and here he is a dispatch guy for a limousine thing in Boston where you're dealing with a bunch of fucking savages every day. and you know he you see someone who's 21 and just has all these crazy ideas in their head and i'm gonna do this i'm gonna be a comedian and you like see all this energy behind this person all these you just want to squash that you want to throw water on that fire you know there's a lot of people man the last thing they want to see is someone with with with some sort of a spark inside of them yeah you know there's a lot of people man that's terrifying to them they just don't want they

36:16don't want to see that man they don't want to see that they want you to fuck up they want you to fail so they don't have to compare themselves to you unfavorably and then start thinking about what a fucking disaster their life has been. That was everyone that worked at Barnes & Noble. Everyone that worked at Barnes & Noble was broken. There was one gay guy who had come from Iowa and just come out of the closet, like moved to New York, and then I think he knew he was gay the whole time and then got to New York and was like, I'm fucking gay. I remember him coming into work one day. He's like, I'm gay. And I was like, awesome. And he's like, no, I can say it now. I'm gay, and I'm so happy. And I was like, good for you, man. So he had to hold on to it for the longest time. And he fucked so much that first month. That guy, he got fucked out of his loft one night and came back with a black eye.

36:57Because he fell out of the loft? Because the guy was fucking him and pounding him out of the loft. Wow. This guy fucked nonstop at first. That's kind of great. Yeah, so he was in the closet. Just to be able to come into your sexuality, to realize you're straight. And then everyone in the straight community is like, let's just fuck this shit out of this guy. Yeah, that wouldn't happen. Because that's what happens in the gay community. In the straight community, it doesn't work that way. They're not really into you switching teams. you know it's like you used to play for the red sox and now you want to play for the yankees what's all that what about that red sox sucks tattoo you got oh oh but yeah so then okay now full circle so then i worked at barnes noble that's who i was i worked at barnes noble i hung out at comedy clubs and so my dad after that at the end of that conversation i was like dad i don't

37:40want to embarrass you and i want to i want tell me what to do it was my 26th birthday wow he said um You go to the club and you tell them you want to be a comic and you'll do anything it takes to be a comic. And I go, dad, that's not how it works. And he goes, that's humility. That's humility. You walk into that front door. You talk to the guy who runs the club and say, you'll do anything. You'll mop up. You'll stack chairs. You'll flip burgers. You'll clean dishes. I go, dad, they got a guy that cleans dishes. He goes, that's what I'm fucking talking about. Have some humility and go in and do that. So I went in to this guy, Louis Schaefer. Do you remember him? Yeah, the comic strip? No, that's the Lucian old. Louis Schaefer was a gay guy that worked down in the village who always wore a blazer and a white shirt. Yeah, what do I know? Louis Schaefer! What club? Not gay, not gay. What club? Boston Comedy Club.

38:19Right, okay, yeah. So I went up to Louis, and I was like, I want to be a comic. And Louis was like, this is the night of my birthday. And he goes, can I give you some advice? I said, yeah. And he goes, go back to Tampa and learn it there, and then come back to New York. You're in the big leagues right now. And I was like, I've already got an apartment. That's not going to work. And he's like, well, that's my advice. And so I called my dad and I was like, I want to, he said to move back to Tampa. And my dad goes, perfect. Go in tonight and give him the same speech you gave him last night and say, you're going to do this until he fucking folds and gives you a job. And so I was like, all right. So I went in that night, like seven said the same thing to Lewis. And Lewis said, God, didn't I tell you to move back to Tampa? And I was like, I go, well, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to keep hounding you.

38:57And he said, okay, if you can stand out front and bring in 20 people throughout the night. and then if there's still people in the room after Godfrey goes on, I'll let you go up on stage. And so I was like, okay. So that night two, the fucking three people in, four people in, a girl named Karen Bergreen is on stage and four Puerto Rican guys who I had brought in off the street who were like one guy was going to prison the next day. I just brought anyone. I brought a guy in with ice cream. He had groceries and I brought him in. I brought everyone in the club. They're sitting in the front row and they make Karen Bergerine cry. And Louis, they go, look, Karen's crying. And so Louis goes, oh, you want to be a comic? Now's your chance. So he went up, grabbed Karen Bergerine. He goes, all right, you guys ready for your next comic? And brought me on stage.

39:41And the only thing, if anything, that I could do was light up four Puerto Ricans. And I got on stage, and I destroyed these guys. Wow. One by one by one. And when they'd talk, I would be like, listen, when it says in my act the dumb Puerto Rican interjects, I'll point to you. And he'd be like, oh, and the crowd was going nuts. How many people in the crowd besides them? I was filling the fucking, it was everyone that knew me. I brought everyone in. It was like fucking 100, maybe 100 people on a Thursday night. And so they get up and they leave. The place goes nuts. And this is my first time on stage in New York. And I'm like, oh, I'm like, or like on a real stage, you know? Right. And I'm like, yes, I'm a fucking. And then I was supposed to do a joke and I didn't have any jokes. And I was like, fuck, I bombed, got off stage. And Lewis was like, you got a job. And I was like, what?

40:24And he goes, come here every night at 7, unlock the place, set the chairs up, and bring in people all night long. and I'll give you a spot. Six months later, literally, and this brings it to Bill Burr. Six months later, I get a development deal with Will Smith. Do work in the door. Six months later, like that, and Bill Burr told me, it was like, it happens, don't feel guilty, everyone's going to dislike you. But I was like, huh. Did you get that? Did you get a lot of resentment? Yeah. Yeah? Yeah, a lot. But I didn't care, really, because I was like, oh, fuck. You sound like almost like, I mean, I love you, man, but you sound like almost like this hapless retard that stumbles upon success. Fucking, I am the luckiest guy. I'm the luckiest guy in the world. Literally the luckiest. But it's not just that. It's your personality is very endearing and interesting, and you tell a great story.

41:05So it's not just that you're lucky. It's just to be you, and this is the same thing when you were talking about Joey. To be Joey, you can't be Joey and market Joey. You know what I'm saying? So it's like who Joey is is Joey. So it's almost like somebody else has to come along and find what's interesting about you. Yeah. But the fact that you kept going after it and that you started out in New York in the village, it's like one of the hardest places you could ever start doing stand-up. Oh, yeah. I think if you can – I always assimilate the two like – because then I moved to L.A. because I got a TV show and then tried doing a comedy in L.A. and it was just totally different. And I remember Bobby Kelly came out. He was like, I don't fucking – I remember Bobby was like, I don't have this fucking witty shit. I don't have witty shit. I'm fucking real. I'm a comic. I'm a fucking New York comic.

41:50I go up and I talk. and he was like, fuck this witty shit what do you mean witty shit? I don't remember, he just kept saying fuck this witty shit, I don't have witty shit I don't have witty jokes, okay? What? I don't know, that's all I remember is sitting in the back of the improv with him look man, Joey Diaz doesn't have a witty bone in his body, but it's the funniest shit I've ever heard, but Bobby it doesn't have to be witty to me I consider the two difference, I think both are like working out, but New York is like working out in prison where you're like, it's just a fucking steel bar with two cinder blocks and you're just kind of trying to get sized so you don't get fucked in the ass in the shower. And LA is like doing like Taibo or like spin class. So you want to look good. You want to look good. You want to look tight. But you don't have to worry about getting fucked in the shower

42:31because it's not as bad. Of course, I've never done it at the store. What? LA, New York comedy is like fucking in your face. Like the second you stand up, it's not like an industry crowd. It's fucking a bunch of fucking Persians that are in from Iraq or wherever. And then it's a fucking bunch of brothers in from Harlem. Some kids from Spanish Harlem, and they just like fucking light you up. Like it's a little more aggressive. L.A. is a little more you get up. I remember the first time I realized I didn't have any like joke jokes. Like I couldn't just start speaking. Like I needed to interact with someone. Really? That's what you'd always do? In New York, you just, I mean, it's, your act is very organic because you talk to someone. Hey, where are you from? Or, oh, how'd you get here? I don't know. It just seemed like more crowded. I never did that. Even when I was in New York. It seemed more organic.

43:15I never did that. When I was in New York, I just did my act. Really? Yeah. I never talked to the crowd The only time I'd ever talk to the crowd is if there's a problem Like you have to deal with something Or if someone's just like really outrageous I saw the guy, what's the guy's name who used to do Make Me Laugh Do you remember that? The one on Comedy Central Mark I have no idea It was on Comedy Central Jeff Ross was always on it I forget the guy's name He dated Tara Silverman, this guy I saw him come to New York one day, he was an LA comic And he got fucking stole like really bad and i i'd never seen someone bomb before like that where he couldn't come back it was just bits and uh and he fucking ate it hard dude people are gonna eat it they're gonna eat it everywhere but that was everyone in in the club was like that's la comedy for you yeah it's not

44:03even it's probably he was uncomfortable yeah probably uncomfortable and you know got on stage with a an attitude or felt weird when he got up there that's half of it man half of it is being comfortable wherever the fuck you are. Which is the best thing about having fans that come to see you. Having people that know what you do and they're coming to see you. I know Bert Kreischer. He's hilarious. I'm going to see Bert Kreischer. As opposed to just coming to any club. But that's how you develop your voice too. By doing those clubs. Then you have to always think that if you're doing these clubs and no one knows who you are and you're trying to get them to like you. There's a danger of maybe becoming something that you're not because you want them to like you. because you want to be more successful. It almost hinders your ability to become yourself on stage. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I think so.

44:50How many guys have you seen that do a tell when they go on stage? A lot. A lot, right? And why are they doing it? Well, they're doing it because they know it works. They know it works and it's successful. It gives them a charge when they're in the audience. They react to his cadence and it becomes really catchy. And then you start doing it even almost subconsciously because you're just trying to be effective. You know, you're just trying to be effective up there. Yeah. I used to, I mean, I used to steal from Mattel when I was young because I didn't know how to write a joke. And you'd just be like, how the fuck would a telltale it? Right. I remember my first joke was, you know what cops hate? When you touch their faces. And I was just like, that's a Mattel. That's a Mattel fucking set up punch. It is? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like. He said that already? No, no, no, no. I just always thought that in my head.

45:33Oh, I see what you're saying. So you imitated him. I just would, I would emulate what I, when I'd write a joke, I'd be like, I got a funny premise. because I was hammered on a flight to Scotland and a stewardess was trying to cut me off and I knew she was cutting me off and I didn't want her to say anything. And so I just went, took my fingers to her lips and I went, shh. Like I didn't want her to cut me off and then I got really cut off. This is well before 9-11. And so I told Patrice that happened and Patrice was like, that's a funny joke because the second you touch someone's face, you take all their power away. Like you touch someone's face, it fucking just, and he was like, you got to fucking tell it. So did you actually touch her face? Yeah, I totally touched her face. I was so drunk going to Scotland from LA. Wow. And I just went. So what happened when you touched her face? Did she freak out?

46:13No, she just was like, all right, you're done. You're done. And then served me another beer at the end of the day. Like when we were getting a land, she gave me another one. Really? I've been cut off plans a lot. Really? You've never been cut off on a plane? Never. Never. What's the cutoff amount? Like four? You got to be obnoxious. Four? No, no. No, I'm not. I'm the least obnoxious drunk. So it's not, it's a number. It's four, yeah. It's four. They won't serve you more than four drinks. No, first class is totally different. They'll let you ball. Yeah, but if you put... They figure you get control. I'm a pro at it now. Yeah? Number one, if you're a big drinker on planes, this is how I do it. Don't speak. Ever speak. Don't speak to anyone. Just, if you want a drink, tap your cup. Just... Dude, you're an alcoholic. Okay, maybe I am. You're not talking just so that you can get more alcohol?

47:00Yeah, on planes, I have a hard time flying. I have fucking massive anxiety flying. You're telling us before the show that you have anxiety right now. I have horrible anxiety. Yeah, because you seem a little, like, revved up today. Fucking, yeah. Like, you're having a hard time, like, staying calm. Yeah, because I've got to go skydiving on Saturday. And so that's in the back of my head, like, the concept of... So is that fucking with you while you're talking? Like, do you hear it in the back of your head? You're going skydiving. No, I don't. No, if I got high, I would definitely. Yeah, Bert is the only one right here that's not high. So he's not on the same frequency as Brian and I. Yeah, I would totally. Have you ever gone skydiving? No, I'm not really into dying like that. If you would, would be. I'm sure it would be fun as fuck.

47:38But, you know, there's – I know two people that know people that have died, including Brian. Brian's dad was supposed to go skydiving with this woman. Yeah, she flattened out. Boom, hit the ground. You know, another thing I heard too that – I don't know if this is true or not. I think we already talked about this, but like how when you're skydiving, it's really hard to breathe because it's so much air. So the whole time you're just going – like you can't – you're just trying to breathe. You're focusing so much on breathing. I'm starting to sweat. Yeah. No, no, it's just really hot in here. Don't bring up how hard this guy's sweating like a pig. Seriously? He's really sweating, man. I'm really sweating right now. I'm thinking about it. It is hot in here. Yeah. Yeah, it's not that hot in here. You guys are both fat. Oh, I will definitely. This is what's going on right here.

48:21So you really knew someone who died skydiving? Yeah, yeah. I knew someone else from some friends of mine in Houston. There was a bunch of guys that skydived, and, you know, I didn't know the guy. He told me his friend died. And then Brian's story. That's two. Two is enough. Was he tandem? I don't know. I don't know what happened. I think he was solo. You know, a thousand people that probably died in or knew people that died in car accidents, but you still drive a car. I don't know a thousand people that have died in car accidents, Brian. Jesus Christ. Well, I mean, like if you're going by like person that knows somebody that died, you know, like you have friends that know somebody that died in skydiving. And what would be the difference, Brian? What are you talking about? What would be the difference between those two guys? You don't need to skydive to get to work.

49:03A, and B, you don't skydive every fucking day of your life. I mean, I'm not skydiving because of people dying. That's the last thing I'm thinking of. Really? That's the first thing I'm thinking of. What a dumb fuck I would feel if I'm pulling that thing and the parachute's not coming out and I see that barn and I know I'm going to make a fucking scooby-doo hole through it in the shape of my body with my outstretched arms. Boom! I'm just going to hit the hay and I'll turn into a bag of jello and broken bones. Splat! And basically just inside your helmet is all just broken. It's just not going to happen. You're going to be fine. But it's going to suck the heights things. Are you scared of heights? Terrified of heights. Terrified of heights. Yeah, me too. But you've been on roller coaster stuff. You're going to be strapped into somebody else, also a professional. Hopefully I'm going to go tandem.

49:49Well, you must be. You have to. You can't just do it on your first time. They don't want you to panic and just shut off. So I've been stressing about that like crazy. That's freaking you out. Oh, fucking nightmare. This show is a real mind fuck for you because you have to do a lot of dangerous shit on this show. Yeah. We were doing a concrete toboggan race where you get a 300-pound concrete toboggan, put five kids in it, and then you race it down a mountain against another team who has a 300-pound concrete toboggan. What? And you go 40 miles per hour, no steering, and you just fly down a fucking mountain. How do you stop it? They have brakes. They have brakes. But it depends on where your brakes are on the thing. You may just fucking flip it. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, it's a nightmare. The two people before us, the group before us, guy goes, they've ragdolled it. They hit a berm, ragdolled it.

50:37Dude breaks his femur. Girl breaks her arm in two places and all the bones in her hand. And then they go, are you ready? And I was like, what? And my cameraman's like, dude, a broken femur is a game changer. It is. It's a life changer. Fuck yeah. People lose their legs sometimes because when they try to reattach it, put the femur back together, you can't get a blood clot going. So it gets gangrene. People lose their legs from femurs. Yeah. But yeah, that was like one of the things. I mean, we went shovel racing in New Mexico. Do you know what I mean? What's that? You just sit on a shovel and go down a mountain at 70 miles an hour. Jesus Christ. Just sit on a shovel and then just. And hope you don't die? And just sit back like this. How fast were you going? I definitely didn't get 70. But guys were going 72, 75. 70 miles an hour on a shovel. On a shovel. No brakes. What kind of hill are you dealing with here?

51:21A fucking blue slope. Like on a blue slope on skiing. It goes, yeah, blue diamonds. It goes green, blue, and black. and worn a blue one that's been shaved and salted. Oh, my God. And you just are flying. Fuck that noise. It's basically like the luge. Oh, it's exactly like a luge, but with less control because you're on a shovel. And the rods just sticking between your legs. I've learned a lot about myself with anxiety through this show. I've learned a ton, but I'm still dictated by my anxiety. Like in what way? Like, there's certain foods I won't eat because I know it'll fuck with me in the middle of the night. I'll just wake up and have an anxiety attack. Certain foods trigger anxiety. What foods? My stomach dictates my anxiety. It's heart palpitations. Like, some foods like onions and stuff I know makes my heart beat a little crazy here and there.

52:11For me, it's spicy foods that wake me up in the middle of the night. Yeah, spicy foods, too. Onions make your heart beat weird? Spicy food. Like, the other night when my shit was all jacked up from eating those jalapenos, the stuffed jalapenos. Oh, I can't fuck with jalapenos. Yeah, yeah. It fucks my stomach up, which then fucks my heart up, which makes me, like, fucking, like, conscious of my heart. And then I'm, like, freaking out. Whoa. Yeah. You don't get any anxiety? Not about that stuff. Have you ever had an anxiety attack? No. Never? No. That's weird. Really? Yeah. That's really weird. Wait a minute. It's not really weird to not have an anxiety attack. No, I mean, like, most people I thought always had, like, I didn't think you'd never have. I don't think most people have anxiety attacks, dude. Okay, this is one of the things I don't like about weed. I don't think that's true at all. Like you were saying.

52:51I've had some, let me clarify, I've had some paranoid moments on weed for sure. I've had some moments, but I think those are very important. I think those are the ones that make you reevaluate yourself. You said that one time and I was like, I don't like reevaluating myself. I like those. I don't even like knowing myself at all. I like being scared as fuck when it comes to that. Are you serious? No, no, no, no, no. It's not anxiety because I'm not panicking. I'm just terribly aware of everything. And it's not a panic attack. It's just an acceptance of the whole picture. It's never where I don't feel like I can handle it or I'm going to freak out or my heart's beating too fast. It's never that. It's just the humbling, aware feeling and awareness of the big picture. I like that. Let me start saying that. I think it's very important. People take drugs to get away from that feeling. Not me, man. I go into it.

53:35I run into it. That's what the tank is. The tank accentuates any feeling that you get. Have you ever been too high and freaked out? Yeah. I go in the tank when I'm too high. The higher I get, that's the more I want to get in the tank. Because you face it and you come out of it and you always learn something. Always. I always know more about myself. I always know whether I'm on the right track as far as like, you know, is there anything in my subconscious that's fucking with me? Is there anything that's bothering me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I go right in there, man. See, I'll obsess about anything. If you can give me something, I'll mull it over my head. Like when I had to jump off the stratosphere, I literally was up the night before throwing up in a bathtub. Right, but do you feel like you're making progress with all this crazy critical thinking? Yes, I am. I'm definitely making progress.

54:19But – like I'm definitely making progress. But I still – I think the stratosphere, by the way, is going to be a lot scarier than skydiving. Really? Yeah, because you're going to be able to see like a kind of like a point of distance or I mean like – Bitch, you're crazy. Nobody died in a stratosphere. Someone said skydiving is – you're so far removed from what the distance is that it doesn't freak you out. Right. What? No, that makes total sense. I mean, if you're standing on top of a really tall building, you can fucking see that you're really high up because you can see other things at the same level or below or higher. So it gives you more of an idea that you're really high up. A reference point. Yeah, yeah. When you're up in a plane, sure, it's high, but it's also almost like cartoony fake. If you're retarded, I don't know, man.

55:01To me, it looks like a goddamn plane flying 30,000 fucking feet above the earth. He's just going 16. It's just going to take a long time to hit the ground. 16,000? 16,000. He hit the ground quite twice as quick. And it's one of those planes that just falls from the sky every now and then. Those skydiver planes? What kind of a fucking plane can you open up a door in the middle of the flight? Yeah, right? That's a drug plane. Right. I think you're going to be fine. Those are drug planes, man. If the pilot has a mustache, you might be screwed. Drug planes crash all the time, dude. Did you ever see that one that crashed in Mexico? Four tons of cocaine inside of it that ran out of gas? CIA plane? Are you serious? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking one of the greatest stories of all time. CIA plane headed, went to Guantanamo Bay on two separate occasions. Clearly a CIA plane, four tons of cocaine in it. Shut up.

55:48Crashes in Mexico. Mexicans won't let them refuel because they know what the fuck they're doing. By the way, Portland was fucking amazing. Have you been to Portland? He was saying that. I want to, I want to, I'm going this year. I just don't know. Well, they, Portland didn't have a major comedy club for the longest time. So it was hard for comics to tour through Portland. But then they just put this helium place in. I had done Portland before. I did a theater there and it was great. but this was really fun because we got to do three nights you know five shows over three nights everything sold out way in advance it was all podcast fans you know and that's the the thing that brian and i've been talking about a lot lately and i was talking with you about in the kitchen everything has changed it's completely different you know the the people that are coming

56:25to shows are way more enthusiastic it's it's way different you know they know you better it's it's a it's a crazy experience man do you feel like you have more of a chance to riff on stage than you used to? I don't know, man. I've been cutting my sets down to like an hour and 10 minutes. You guys just said something, one podcast that made me reevaluate everything I do on stage. Yeah, what? 50 minutes. Someone said 50 minutes. Jim Norton did that. Norton did 50. I saw him do 50 in Austin. And he made me think, because I was doing a lot of long sets where I do this question and answer thing at the end. But the problem with the question and answer thing is that it doesn't have the same pop as the regular show. And so the show always would kind of end on some weird note. Like I'd be crushing for an hour. And then I'd do this question and answer thing for an hour. And then people would be tired.

57:09So the experience of a show was not the same. And I thought I was just giving them more show. I thought I was being more generous and giving them more show. But I realized the best way to do it really is to give them an hour, hour and 10 max and just smash it. Just come out of the gates. And I've been doing that for like the last couple months. You were getting standing O's, all those shows in Portland. I mean, instead of like – because I saw it too. It was kind of like a fizzle. It just kind of like shows over. Now here's this other thing. And then people forgot about the show. They were kind of doing this. And it was just – but now it's just like fucking roaring. Those people want to come back. They're telling all their friends immediately instead of going, oh, yeah, it was good last night. Yeah, they were all standing ovations. It was awesome. Portland was fucking awesome.

57:50Never had a place where people handed me more weed. Never. Never. Dude, I stunk of weed when I got home. I was wearing the same pants that I wore the show the night before. And Mrs. Rogan was like, you fucking stink like weed. And it was my pants. I took a shower. And she goes, I can still smell in the bathroom. And then she goes, your pants. She goes, what did you smoke? Your fucking pants? They smelled like weed. It was ridiculous. It was just from people blowing weed on me and Joey. And then when we were in the green room. Joe, I remember when I kept on staying at the airport. Like, I smell weed. It was my pants. No, it might have been that, too. But I opened my book bag up. And there was a bowl. There was a joint. a bag of weed in a secret pocket that I didn't even know existed. And I'm like, holy shit. You know what I would have done? I would have pretended I didn't know you

58:33and I would have ran in the opposite direction. I need to go home and see my kids, dude. I can't be going to court for you. Jay and I one time were flying to Vegas and we're in my car. We're sitting in my car and we have a bag of weed. And he's like, just bring it. And I go, I don't want to because I don't want to go through security with it. And he's like, it's fucking Vegas. Do you think anyone's going to check? Of course he does. It's one of the worst. And so I was like, all right, fuck it. So I throw up my bag. We go to leave. We start walking. And at the last minute, I fucking go, oh, hold on. And I take it out of my bag. I just throw it in the car. And I go, I'm not fucking bringing it. I'm not bringing it. But I don't tell Jay. I'm just like, fuck it. I'll deal with it when we get to Vegas. So we go through security. And as we go through security, they pull me to the side.

59:11And they're like, sir, we're going to need to check your bag. And Jay thinks, yeah, I have it. And I start laughing hysterically because I know that he thinks I have it. And then the guy is a tall black guy. Jay is standing right there. He goes, what are you laughing at, sir? And I go, I almost traveled with weed, but I left it in my car. And Jay goes, you didn't bring it? And I go, no, it's in my car. And the guy was like, you have weed? Where's your car? I was like, I'm not going to tell you. You have weed? Where's your car? He was like, what? You have weed in your car? And I was like, yeah, but I'm not flying with it. What kind of a TSA bullshit fucking question is that? He's probably going on his break soon. He wanted to puff out. Yeah, he wanted to scare you into giving up the weed. I walked into Brave Stadium, and I said to the lady, just out of curiosity,

59:50It's the moments that you don't have drugs that you want to find out how it would go down if they busted you. And I said to the lady, I said, she was checking my fanny pack when I firmly believe in fanny packs, by the way. Fuck yeah. Give me some knuckles on that shit. I firmly believe in fanny packs. Yeah. I'm getting mad at all this what's dead for 2011. The fanny pack will never die, okay? Because I'm not trying to get laid. So fuck you. They're so sensible. Convenient. They're right there. All your shit's right there. Exactly. I love wearing them. I love when people think they're dorky. Good. Especially if you're married and have kids. It's awesome. You had worn before I was married with kids, kid. How about I never stopped wearing it? How about I wore that shit in the 90s? People were giving me shit on the message board in the 90s for wearing a fanny pack. I don't give a fuck.

60:33I love more if you're very successful and it doesn't matter. Brian, look at you and stop and think about the level of pussy that you get on a regular basis. You could still rock a fanny pack and pull it off. Trust me, kid. It's like a mustache. That would probably get you more pussy. It would probably get you more pussy. because you're like, this motherfucker doesn't care. He's wearing a fanny pack. Why don't you wear pink Converse All-Stars, too? That's one of the things that women like more than anything is a guy that can be himself. That's why she knows who the fuck you are instead of you going out and pretending to be some different person no matter where the fuck you go. Women know when they can count on you. They know when they can count. He's the first guy to wear a girl mustache, not the tenth. Exactly. Go fucking porn style with a big fucking twisty one. So there's a list that just got released

61:17talking about checking you at the airport it because this is amazing. It's the Department of Homeland Security. And they put out this, the following characteristics that qualifies a person for potential domestic terrorist. And I put this shit on my Twitter because it's so ridiculous. Expressions of libertarian philosophies, bumper stickers or statements. Like you might be a fucking potential domestic terrorist because you think that people should be able to do whatever they want to do. You think that libertarian ideology is better than Republican or Democratic ideology. Amazing. You have a bumper sticker, so you might be a domestic terrorist. If this was just some crazy asshole that ran some website, some right-wing website, but this is like, they're giving people instructions. Look out for Second Amendment-oriented views, NRA or gun club membership. Jesus fucking Christ. What, you can't go hunting?

62:08If you want to shoot your own meat instead of getting it from some fucking slaughterhouse, You're a potential domestic terrorist Because you believe in the rights to keep guns You think that adults should be able to have guns Just like adults can have fucking cars Just like adults can have a lot of shit That can fuck you up People should have guns That's why they're here A. You can shoot people that are bad And B. You can shoot animals and eat them It's not a fucking potential terrorist issue I would argue there's no connection Between people who own guns and terrorism I don't know about that I would say almost 100%. I mean, the guys that fucking flew planes in the 9-11. That's just because they couldn't get guns on board. No, no, no. I mean, exactly. But where's the connection? Where do you draw a connection between someone who owns a gun? Well, the idea is that people want to overthrow the government.

62:56Oh, so they're thinking about, like, Terry. Well, they're thinking about people who rise the fuck up and realize this goddamn corrupt government that's running this country needs to be held accountable for all their bullshit. I finally finished watching that inside job last night. Fuck. I had to turn it off the last time I watched it. I watched it for an hour, and I'm like, I'm getting angry for no reason, and I had to shut it off. But I finally watched it all last night. It is maddening. It's all about the financial collapse. It's not an inside job. You hear like that, you think 9-11. It's not about 9-11. It's all about the financial collapse. And it's all interviewing all these economists and all these people that didn't predict it, all these people that fucking profit from it.

63:32And it talks about one of the most disturbing things is how corrupt economics has become, the study of economics at the university level. Because all these fucking guys who are teaching economics at Harvard and at Columbia, they all wind up working for the presidents. They all wind up working for governments. And they wind up going on these speaking engagements where they're making millions of dollars. And they showed this, like how fucked it is that everyone is just stealing and everyone is getting away with it because everyone is protecting everyone. Everyone is making sure that no one is held accountable for all this. Fucking incredible movie, man. Matthew Damon is the narrator, and it's really good. If you want to get crazy, go and see how fucked up this country is and how fucked up the unfixable foundation of this country is, the financial foundation of this country. It's nuts.

64:22It is amazing that it works at all. And these motherfuckers that got bonuses, man, just the brazen ash-holishness to ask for hundreds of millions of dollars in the middle of a gigantic financial collapse that you were at least partially responsible for. And the fact that nobody holds him to the fire, it's nuts, man. It is one of the nuttiest documentaries I've ever seen in my life. Wow. This guy who's running the documentary too, he's asking some of the questions, one of the guys, and he catches a lot of these guys. Like one of the guys that worked for Bush, and he was an economic advisor for Bush, and he's also for, I think he teaches at Harvard. And they caught this guy, and they were talking to him and asking him questions, and you could see the frustration when they're hitting him with logic and facts and like, how could you not know?

65:05And then they're hitting him with all this information about things that he said and how wrong it was. And how did you, why did you think that this economy was stable? Why did you think that, you know, these, uh, these, uh, funds should be rated at double A. Meanwhile, they crashed the very next day. I mean, it's just nuts, man. They're just stealing. It's, it's incredible. It's like everyone is stealing. So it seems like they can get away with it and they can keep doing it. No one's asking for anybody to be held accountable. It's really weird, man. I mean, we're in the middle of like a giant trillion dollar heist. And these bankers have literally ripped off everyone. It's one of the most incredible things I think I've ever seen.

65:44And when it's really explained in detail, when they talk about it from the point of the stock market and, you know, where people were banking on things to fail, yet selling them and promoting them with their clients. I mean, wow, it's amazing. I mean, you have to watch it like five or six times, I think, to really wrap your head around how fucking complex it all is. Because the whole financial system is almost intangible. It's like there's nothing there. As you get deeper and deeper into it and you try to pick something up, there's nothing to grab. It's really weird, man. But it drives me fucking nuts. If the movie is any indication of this conversation, I think I'd be lost within the first five minutes. Yeah. I can't. I'm trying to. I'll always have a six-year-old's intelligent, like, span of listening to shit. I'm just so fucking frustrated lately. Have you always been a reader?

66:37Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Like, as a kid, did you read? Yeah. I never fucking read. Really? Never. First book I ever read was, like, really read, like, bought it. And for myself, instead of I'm going to read it, was Naked by David Sedaris. Well, I used to read, when I was a kid, I used to read a lot of fiction. and then I started doing martial arts. I read a lot of martial arts books. Really? I read a lot of books on strategy. That's where I first read the Book of Five Rings, which became like a, this is the tattoo that I have. This is Miyamoto Musashi fighting a tiger. And one of the reasons why I got that tattoo is because I read something when I was a little kid that really sunk into my head. Once you understand the way broadly you can see it in all things, is what he said. And the idea is that once you find greatness in anything,

67:22whether it's painting or sculpture or music, when you find something, you just nail it, you get to the core of it, you understand what greatness is, and you can see it in everything. You can see it not just in your chosen field, but in everything. And it really is like a way of channeling brilliance. And it made me think that as I was a kid that if I just really threw myself into martial arts, I could be successful at life. Because even if it wasn't martial arts that I wound up pursuing, if I could get greatness, if I could really figure out what greatness is, if I could really understand the way, really tap into it, I could transfer that on to my life, which has actually been true. Do you think you're better at comedy or martial arts? I don't know, man. I've never even thought about it. It's not even something that I would think about. You're better at whatever you put the most attention to.

68:09It's really that simple. But like the first time, like I was a big baseball player growing up. And I remember playing baseball with guys that went on to go pro. Like I caught Brad Radge, who was a pitcher for the Twins. And I remember playing baseball with him all growing up. And the way that parents looked at him playing baseball, I remember thinking, like, no one looks at me like that. No one's like pulling me aside like, hey, great game today, Pert. Like I still made all-stars and I still got recruited to play like at a high school. But I never had that it. And then the first time I did stand-up, I was like, okay, that's the it. Like, I got that it. This is the similarity. For me, it's probably just the opposite. Really? When I first started doing comedy and I was leaving martial arts, I was really good at martial arts and not good at comedy at all. And I had to reinvent myself.

68:55Because as a martial artist, I was a four-time Massachusetts State Taekwondo champion. I won the U.S. Open. I came in second place in the U.S. Cup to the current national champion who fought in the Olympics. And I was right there. And I was really young. I was 20, 19 at the time. And then 21, I had a couple of fights. I started kickboxing when I was 21. That's what fucked up everything. And that's one of the reasons why I stopped doing, why I stopped competing is because I started realizing that there was a bunch of holes in my martial arts game because I was just doing one style of martial arts, which was Taekwondo. And when I switched from Taekwondo to boxing and kickboxing, I realized there's big holes in my game. And then I – so then it made me not respect Taekwondo as much as an individual martial art.

69:35And then competing in Taekwondo seemed sort of ridiculous to me because, well, now I know that, you know, I'm vulnerable to punches. So now in my mind, I would have to start kickboxing because otherwise I would be practicing something that wasn't as effective. So then I started kickboxing and I realized, OK, there's not even any money in this. What the fuck am I doing? Like here – you know, what am I going to do? I'm going to run a kickboxing gym and, you know, I'm going to have brain damage. I mean, I was looking at my future and I was like, I figured, I got to figure out what the fuck I'm doing. How old are you? I was 21. And I was doing comedy at the same time. Do you realize how many guys don't have that kind of insight at 21? Keep going. Keep going. Well, it was mostly because no one raised me. Yeah. No parents at this time. I was left in the streets like a wolf. I mean, my parents both worked.

70:12And by the time, you know, they got home, it was six o'clock and, you know, I was over at a friend's house or something. I was a wild kid. Did you run laundry? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was a different time, man. When I was little, man, I was like seven years old. I used to do a fisherman's wharf in San Francisco. I used to have my own magic show. I used to walk down the street by myself with my own thing. I was thinking I was seven or eight, and I had like a little magic show that I got for Christmas, and I would put a fucking hat on and a cape, and I'd set up a stand, and I would do a show. By myself, no friends, no one with me, completely by myself. This is a different world that people lived in back then. You can't let a fucking eight-year-old out of the house by themselves today. That kid's going to get raped and killed. Too bad you didn't know little Joey Diaz at the time.

70:51He could dance for you while you did your magic. We were good buddies. We would have had a fucking awesome show. Joey and I would have been best friends from the moment we met. I was best friends with Joey the moment I met him. I would have been best friends with Joey if we met when we were six. Guaranteed. So I realized I had thrown my whole life into martial arts from the time I was 15 until I was 21. But when I was 20, I started teaching at this place in Revere. There was a Nautilus fitness place in Revere. and they had a big extra side room. It was a really big, nice room. So we started teaching Taekwondo there. And I opened my own branch of the J. Kim Taekwondo Institute out there. And that's where I met this guy, Joe Lake, who was a boxing coach. And he's coached some UFC guys like Marcus Davis. And he's a really, really good boxing coach and a great guy. And he became one of my good friends.

71:37And he taught me how to box. And when I started boxing, I started realizing like, man, I've got like all these holes in my fucking martial arts game. like at taekwondo i was really good at taekwondo but you added in boxing and then eventually leg kicks and i'm like man i got a lot of fucking flaws in my game so it made me not want to ever compete in taekwondo again and then since there was so much work to do to become a competent kickboxer and then it was like well what i'm going to do become a boxer because if i become a boxer now i'm really starting almost from scratch i mean i'm a rudimentary almost a you know beginner boxer and then i'm gonna what am i gonna start fighting in that way because that's the only place i can get fights because you couldn't even get boxing or kickboxing fights in Massachusetts. We had to

72:17drive to Rhode Island to fight. So the last time I fought, I fought three times in one day. I fought in a kickboxing tournament. I won the first fight. I knocked the first guy out. I beat the second guy up. And then the third guy knocked me out. The third guy was like three fights and I was completely exhausted. It was hours later. This is all for free. And I got, I was, I won the first round and then I got clipped with the left hook. And it was really weird because it didn't even hurt. It's just my legs stopped working. It was, it never happened to me before in a fight. Is that the ones where they go like this? They go, just go rubber. They just stopped working. It was like, he disconnected my, my brain from my legs. My legs no longer communicated with my brain. They just shut off. And I went down and I got up and then he hit me again. I went down again. I got

72:58up and they stopped the fight. It was, uh, it wasn't, I've been hit way harder before. It wasn't that he just hit me perfect. It was like the perfect spot. And I was exhausted. You know, when you're, I had shitty nutrition and I was delivering newspapers. I'd get up every morning at five o'clock to deliver newspapers. And then I would, you know, take a nap and then I would drive limos and then I would go train. And then I was still trying to do comedy at the same time. So that made me really realize I had to pick a path. And I'm like, you know, this was a good wake up call for me. And my ego wanted me to get back in there and go smash and, you know, show that it was a bad, you know, that I really didn't train right for that fight. And I was out of shape and I was sick, you know. But I thankfully figured out a way to shut my ego up long enough to get some distance. Your ego's fucked. My ego's fucked.

73:40In what way? It's attached to shit that doesn't matter. Like in what way? I don't know. I'm starting to see the world a little differently recently. The last conversation we had, I had said something about it. I talked about almost getting into a fight with a guy in driving, remember? Yes. And you were like, that's fucking out of you. Yeah. Dumbest thing in the world. So dangerous. And that, to me, was the first wake-up call of like, yeah, why would I do that? Like, I started thinking, like, the guy flicked me off. Just from our conversation, you started thinking about that? Oh, yeah. Fucking actually fairly heavily. You're probably one of, I mean, you wouldn't want to hear this, but, like, probably one of the toughest guys I know. Like, no one would ever scare you. There's a lot of people who scare me, man. I work in the UFC. I'm constantly around people who scare me.

74:25But what I'm saying is like – and so I started like checking like, okay. Why do you feel so confident to start fights with people when I don't? Where is that? And then I started – and then it started like sizzling down and it was like, holy shit, man. My ego is totally attached to not like cool shit. Like it's not attached to my – I don't even know what an ego should be attached to. Do you have parts of your personality that bother you? Oh, every part of my personality. Okay. Well, what do you do about that? Nothing. I drink. What do you do? Are you supposed to do something? I meditate and I get in the tank. No, I drink. That's my number one thing. I drink and then forget about it and then wake up and I just fucking hope it doesn't shine. I would like to get you in the tank, man. I think you would really enjoy it. I would want you next to me and I'd want to have headsets so we could talk to each other.

75:10All right, Joe, I'm starting to spiral. You could do it at my house, bro, and I could be right outside the tank. There's parts of my personality I can't stand. Why don't you work? Okay, tell me what you want. I don't like this, but don't be sensitive. Listen, I love you, man. You don't have to worry about that. I know, I know. I know. I know that when Birth to Conqueror gets canceled, whenever it does get canceled, I will talk about it incessantly to people. No, you won't. I will. This is what you say. You say you'll talk about it, which is why you'll talk about it. But if you just say you won't and just decide, you know what? When Birth to Conqueror, if it ever does get canceled, God forbid, I'm going to move on to something else and I'm going to push forward. You're an entertaining guy, man. The world needs entertaining people. Okay, what part of your personality do you not like about you?

75:57I get angry at things too easily. Seriously? I do that too. And that is something I know about myself. That's my number one thing, whether it's something someone says or something that happens or even watching this fucking documentary. I get angry. I was visualizing what I wanted to do physically to each one of these cunts that's causing all these people to lose their houses. And I'm just picturing myself strangling them and just getting so enraged. It almost becomes like an animal, like animalistic and primal. It gets very, it's very dangerous. And that's why I was saying to you, like, be really careful, man, because you never know who the fuck you're going to run across. Because as crazy as I might be, I'm nothing compared to a lot of people that I've ever met, man.

76:36I've met some really crazy motherfuckers that if you pick them, you're the wrong guy, and you wind up saying something to them, they're like, oh, thank you, Jesus. You've just brought me someone to kill. Yeah. You know, and they'll just attack you. And they know how to fight, too. There's a lot of people like that. A lot of them. I've met a lot of them. always been like that me anger yeah part of it is my childhood part of it is genetic i'm i have sicilian peasant genes i mean this is the reason why my hands are as wide as cinder blocks you know i have the weirdest look at that folks i got the weirdest bone structure ever i have giant hands you know they're they're good for hitting things i'm short and wide my my family you know they they grew up carrying bricks and shit you know that's what my ancestors did you know that that design, I think there's a lot of aggression built into certain

77:21body types. I think there's, you know, if you look at, like, super athletic, like, you know, you look at some fucking, like, you know, some Mike Tyson looking dude. Like, look at Mike Tyson's body. You look, that's like a guy that looks like he's designed to destroy things. Just designed to. Like, when he used to step into the ring, when he was in the prime of his life in the late 80s, he would get into that fucking ring, and it was like, that is the scariest human being that's ever walked the face of the earth. You couldn't imagine doing anything else. That's what he was there for. He's there to smash things. Just a tank. A bull. That guy, guaranteed, he's got a giant biological buildup of stress that he needs to blow out. Besides having a fucked up childhood. I mean, I think a lot of people that are in jail are in jail because they have fucked up bodies, man. They have fucked up childhoods.

78:04That's interesting. So you can almost say that the body dictates the personality? It does have some effect. Shut up. It's not a completely benign thing. I think without a doubt I think so much clearer after I work out to me it's like mandatory I don't allow myself to say oh fuck I'm tired I don't allow that because I don't like me when I don't work out so I make me work out so I can be sane for me it's like I always feel like I got this monkey and if I don't let this monkey out of the cage he's going to throw shit at me and he's going to fucking start rattling the cage and lighting things on fire just let him out of the cage Come on, buddy. It's the same way I feel about my dogs. I feel bad if I don't walk my dogs. If I don't take them around the neighborhood, let them go smell. I want them to get out. Let's get out. Let's get out. It's the same thing with the animal inside you.

78:50The animal inside you, the motherfucker needs to rage. And if it doesn't rage, it starts looking for opportunities to rage. It starts looking, look at this dick. Wants to get in my lane? Fuck you. Fuck you, bitch. After I work out, I'm like, yeah, go ahead, dude. I'm not in a rush. I'm a comedian. I started letting people. I thought of this the other day. I got flicked off by a very liberal couple. Really? A very liberal couple. Of course, I am the stereotype of ignorant white male. Like I drive a freaking Expedition black on black. You know, fucking. Do you have a tap out sticker in your back? I can get you one. I'll put it on. All right. I'm always playing something like hip hop. And I guess I cut them off. I don't even know. And they were in a little. What's the little. Prius. Smart car. The tiny one from Mini Cooper. And they flicked me off.

79:39And then she went up and went, ah, like was thumbing upping me and pointing at me. Oh, your car? Yeah, I guess. I don't know. Me or my car. Who fucking knows? And then I was, we both got off at Laurel Canyon and we're right next to each other. And I was like, I'm going to fucking tell them off. And then I was like, hold on. If I tell them off, nothing's going to come of this. But if I make them feel like they won, then maybe they'll continue this behavior until they run into the guy who beats a living fuck out of them. So you set a trap? So I set a trap. And I rolled down the window and I was like, you guys, let me, fuck, fuck. And then they took off and they laughed and I was like, great, just keep it up. I see, you fucking took a dive. Keep it up. You took a dive. I took a dive so they go fucking, oh. That's genius. That's, I've never heard anyone doing that before.

80:23Now, do you see, do you sense phoniness in people right out the gate? Oh, yeah. Ah, I'm so fucking good at that shit. Of course, because you're so honest. Oh, I feel like I'm really honest with my bullshit. So I see shit like right out the gate and I'm like. Yeah, I'm super honest. So when someone's not being honest, I smell it a mile away. I smell crazy too. So crazy and dangerous. Oh, I can smell crazy. It's really good. Yeah. My wife's best friend, we went out to dinner with them when we first met them. And I fucking, you know me, I'll talk all night long and drink. And we're having a good time. And then we got done. I go, I don't fucking like them. And she was like, how can you not like them? You just had a great time. I go, she's fucking crazy. She was like, she's not crazy. And then now I'm like, Matlock. I'm like, we just got to hang out with love.

81:03And then I got to just untangle the necklace enough so it starts to fall apart. And then I'm like – and then I brought it up one time about like drugs. And she was like, oh, I used to have a problem with meth. And I was like, bingo. Dude, that's so funny you said that. I had a Brian Callen story where Brian used to always date these really fucked up girls and try to fix them. And Brian's been one of my best friends since 94. When I hosted Mad TV, I met Brian and we like instantly became best friends. And when we were hanging around, the first thing I noticed when we were hanging around together was like, this motherfucker dates some broken bitches. I mean, his current wife is a very nice person, but he's had some disasters in his past. Didn't he fuck Fiona Apple? No comment. Okay. I just remember hearing something about that. Yeah, no comment, no comment. We are on the internet.

81:51There's hundreds of thousands of people, and some of them may know Fiona, so probably not. Anyway, he just, you know, I used to tell him, man, You got to get better at reading people. He's like, yeah, I'm getting it. I'm getting it. I'm getting it. I'm getting better, man. This new girl, you're going to love her. You're going to love her. So he introduces me to her, right? I say, hi, how are you doing? She goes, hi, nice to meet you. And then I go, can I talk to you for a second? I pull him outside. I go, listen to me, man. She is fucking crazy. Yes, yes, yes. I go, dude, this bitch is fucking crazy. No, I shook her hand. I shook her hand and I looked in her eyes and I saw madness. It was like that Sam Shepard movie based on that uh in the mouth of madness remember that it was like that I was like I was like this bitch is completely insane

82:38I was like so I pulled the Masada goes listen to me ran I go that bitch is crazy. She's a nice No, no, no, she's a good girl. No, no, no, dude. She's a fucking nightmare to do do do you're famous? She's nervous. She's meeting no no no no no no has nothing to do with that I go that bitch is crazy, man. You gotta trust me, dude I know crazy all my spider senses were going off I go you better get the fuck away from that girl. Trust me You're gonna find out you're gonna find out the hard way you need to run I'm like, what are you attracted to her? She's nice. She just needs friends. No, no, no. No, it's not that she needs friends. She's fucking nuts. Okay. Time goes on. And eventually, he finds out that she's a meth head. Like, massive. You know, I don't know how he missed this. But, like, she was completely insane. And I had some, like, some guy was looking for her.

83:17And, you know, anyway, he winds up eventually slowly getting rid of her. Right? He just gets rid of her. And then one day, he's walking down the street. Okay? And he sees this girl walking towards him. And the girls are hooker. You know, she's got a skirt on. And he looks up and he realizes it's this girl. And she's got fucking scabs on her face like she's picking her face. Yeah. And he goes, how's it going? She goes, what do you think? Okay. You take care. Don't be that honest with me. This is all. And I swear to God, I picked this up from, hi, how are you? I was like, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop. All these alarms. I'm good at that. But you can't always think you're good at that. You always got to be open to the possibility that you haven't picked it up yet. You always got to be open to the possibility that some people are better at covering their bullshit. Or they have different motivations for being crazy.

84:09You know, what is their motivation? Are they delusional crazy? Because delusional crazy is pretty easy to spot because they lie to themselves. Or are they deceptive crazy? Deceptive crazy is strange because sometimes deceptive crazy, like there's like a sociopathic element of it where they're not concerned about how they come off. so that they'll like, they'll like really like play to your strengths. And all of a sudden you're like, this guy really compliments me. Wow. Really like, meanwhile, what he is, is just a certain type of manipulative crazy that you haven't picked up yet. Fuck. I've had so many crazy people in my life. Of course. You're a comic, man. I mean, just doing shows. How many nutty fucking people do you meet after shows? You make the greatest sounds, man. You can crack me up with every time. So listen, man, last time you were here, there's a fucking story about the Russian mob.

84:54We tease these bitches. These people right now on Twitter, they have been going crazy all day. Do not let Bert Kreischer get out of there without the Russian mob story, Matt. Tell us what the fuck happened. All right. This is in 1993 probably, I think, is when I went to Russia. I was taking Russian classes at Florida State. I thought they were Spanish classes. What? I thought they were Spanish classes because it was a noon class and I signed up. And then I was like, fucking sweet, Spanish at noon? I can phone that in. And then I get there and they start writing a new language, a new alphabet. And I'm like, all right, this clearly isn't Spanish. So then I say I'm going to leave. And the teacher is like, listen, don't leave. Because if you leave, we can't have a class and I can't get my master's degree. But if you stick around, I'll talk to you after the class. I get done at the end of the class.

85:41She's like, listen, don't leave and just show up at class and I'll give you a C. I was like, done, done. So I took Russian. I took Russian one, two, and three because these kids needed another guy in their class to take these classes. So then finally I take Russian four and we go to Russia. We go to Russia. But this is Russia like when the mob ran Russia. Like are you guys aware of that? No. Okay. In like the late 90s, mid 90s, the mob ran everything that had to do with Russia. So when going over to Russia, you had to literally pay off the mob in order to go and study abroad. So we paid off the mob, and they gave us in return two banditos, two young mobsters who would go everywhere with us. They lived in our hotel. They stayed with us. They went on tours with us. They did everything with us. Their names were Igor and Sasha. And when we got there, our teacher was like, listen, this is Igor and Sasha.

86:35They will be ghosting us with my teacher who was there with me. He was like, they're in the fucking mob. Igor and Sasha. Igor and Sasha. It's like a gay guy named Bruce. And they were like, oh, it gets worse. so they're like listen whatever you do to our class do not talk to them do not interact with them oh my god do not engage them they are only here to shadow us so in my head i'm like fucking get to know these guys right like get a bottle of vodka six pack of baltica knock on their door no mind you i speak no russian at the time no russian because i'd never studied in any of the classes so first night there i knock on igor and sasha's room and they're having a party in there like fucking all their friends are in their room they lived right next to me and kendra my teacher lived across the hall from Igor. So I knock on the door. Igor opens the door, and he looks like a fucking thug.

87:17He's got like a wife beater on, a cigarette, a beer, and he just looks at me in Russian and just goes, And now the second he says that, I start panicking. All the phrases I had in my head that I was trying to say all disappear, and all I say to Igor in Russian is, I am the machine. What is it? How do you say that? Yamashino. and so but I just said and he went and now I don't know what I've said I'm like what did I just say I'll fuck you up and I go I am the machine and he goes say it again I said I'm the machine and then he starts laughing and he brings me into the room and he's like hold on say it again and so I say it to the room I don't know what the fuck I'm saying I'm like I'm the machine and they're like you're the machine I'm like I'm the machine I said that all fucking night with these guys that's the only communication we had is I said I'm the machine and Igor and Sasha and I became best friends

88:06right we did everything together If we went on a field trip, they would tell me, machine, you don't need to go on the field trips. Come drink with us. So now cut to one day we have to take a train to Moscow. Now a different mob ran the train to Moscow and a different mob ran Moscow. And Igor and Sasha were not allowed to cross boundaries. And they told me, they said, listen, we're not going to go with you, but we've taken care of you. We've talked to the mobsters on the train and in Moscow because we had to pay them too. So they weren't allowed to come with you. They weren't allowed to come with us. Because it's a different mob. And we're paying a different mob now to protect us on the train. Wow. We're paying a different mob to protect us in Moscow. Holy shit. So they said, we've taken care of it. Don't worry about it. So they take me to the train.

88:46And they introduce me to our two new gangsters, Igor and Igor. What? Double Igors. I swear to you. Three Igors out of four dudes. Igor and Igor. There's not a lot of names in Russia. It's Alex, Igor, or Sasha. What about Fyodor? So Igor and Igor, my Igor says to these Igors, this is the machine. If you give them alcohol, you'll have a great time. so Igor and Igor are like through the roof they're like awesome don't worry we've taken care of you we're sitting in first class you're not sitting with your class you're sitting in first class to Moscow and I'm like holy shit this is what I'm talking about and I bring another guy John Bolshoi, Big John I bring him with me to go sit in first class and sure enough man we're in fucking first class just me, these two Igors, John the conductor, I shit you not the conductor before the train takes off comes into the room I swear to you rips off the band on this thing

89:34says this is a present for the machine It would be an honor to do a shot with you And I'm like oh this is fucking right So I do a shot with the conductor And we pound this vodka within Like fucking 30-45 minutes We're done all the vodka in the room We're drinking hard And my class is all on coach and I'm sitting in first class And Igor and Igor are like let's go get more vodka And I'm like done These guys run the fucking train So we get up we walk into the bar cart And Big Igor says machine Grab some bread And I'm like that's bread I'm understanding Russian He's like Grab some Sia That's cheese I'm like I'm learning Russian I'm looking at John Who's standing behind me He's like Yeah He's like Grab vodka I go I know that one And he's like Grab all the money Grab all the rubles And I go What? I look around And we're robbing the bar cart What? The bartender's standing like this Everyone's standing against the wall

90:22And I'm sitting behind the bar With a handful of rubles A bottle of vodka And a thing of bread Going Holy fuck John looks at me And he's like Just take it Let's go Take all the fucking cash Out of the bar cart And what is the bartender doing? Not making eye contact. And they're packed out. Everyone just lets it happen. It's the mob. They ran everything in Russia. Everything. Wow. And so we get done and we go back to our room and it's a totally different energy. Like very like very sketchy, you know. Are you freaked out now? I'm freaked out because I'm like, fuck, I just robbed the car. Like no one else saw anyone rob the bar car except for me. And my teacher, Val, who at the time was our chaperone, didn't speak any Russian. She comes to our first class cart, opens the door and says, I need to talk to you right now. And I was like listen And she goes I told you that you're in big trouble

91:06Your classmates have told me what happened Big Igor takes a sip of vodka Spits it in her eyes and goes no one talks to the machine like that I'm like whoa He spit vodka in her eyes And fucking it is And then shuts the door and then looks at me And he says don't worry I got you When it gets dark we're going to have a lot of fun And he pulls out a thing of keys He's got keys to the whole fucking train And he's like we're going to rob everyone when it gets dark now I'm like fuck what did I get myself into like this is bad news bad fucking news so it gets dark and sure enough then we start robbing the train go through my class first and we'd fucking open the door little Igor would crawl in pull the bags out John and I would go through them and try not to steal like anything important and big Igor would stand guard and if anyone woke up he'd take a sip of vodka and spit it in their face

91:53and it was I mean it's sketchy now it's sketchy it's not even fun are these guys armed? no no no they're loaded though they're hammered piss drunk. We robbed my whole class and then they end up taking off and going into the car and me and John are sitting in the first class car just thinking, we're fucked man, we're fucked. We robbed the train, we robbed the bar cart and they come back and they're just fucking angry drunk, like piss angry drunk. We pull into Moscow and my teacher Val comes to the door, opens it and said I'm just letting you know we've called the police. So I was like, fuck. So Igor and Igor are like, fuck it, don't worry, fuck the police, fuck the police, this is Russia. Who the fuck does she think she is? This isn't America. This is Russia. We run everything. I'm like, ugh, I'm going to fucking go to the gulag.

92:35Sure enough, man, the cops are sitting on the middle where people get off the train, that little receiving area. My class is sitting there. My whole class are in their pajamas. They're crying. Their bags have been gone through. They're fucking giving statements to the cops, and the cops are writing them down. And I'm sitting with Igor and Igor and John in the fucking cart, and they're just still drinking and smoking. And they're like, fuck this. Fuck this. We'll take it there. This right now. They walk outside. Out to the cops. And start yelling at the cops. And I'm like. Motherfucker. This is not how I would have taken care of this. Just. I don't even know what they're saying. But they're just shouting. And the cops are shouting back. And then finally Big E. Or just starts pointing at me. And I'm like. Oh. He's pinning this whole fucking thing on me. Like I'm going down for the whole thing.

93:16And then the cop starts pointing at me. And telling me. Zidia. Zidia. Zidia. Zidia. Zidia. Zidia. Zidia. whatever he's saying. Come here right now. So I fucking walk out. And it's that moment where you find the hash on your body. You know, they find it and you're going to jail forever. That's that moment, that walk where your asshole gets cold and you're like, this is it. Midnight express. Fucking that's the moment. And I walk all the way across this little fucking trail to get to him. I get right up to the cop and the cop looks at me and he goes, I understand you're the machine. I was like, yeah. And he goes, tonight you party with us. What? So then we went out and party with these cops. So the cops did nothing. Fucking nothing. They were so excited to meet the machine. What? They were like, this fucking, it was a nickname. Is there no one funny in Russia? Is that what it is? No, there was no humor. There was no.

94:02I got a drink with you. Is that what it is? Is there's no one funny, and then you come along, and you're hilarious, so they're like, we're partying with you. Yeah, and I was just loud. Like, there's not a lot of loud people. Would you be willing to move to Russia to be their bitch and to like. No. Dude, those guys scared me. One night, the guy. How many nights did you party with these guys? Oh, I partied with Igor, and Igor on the train only. And then I partied with the cops in Moscow with John for one night, and then we hid from them. The cops wanted? No, the cops were scary. More scary than the gangsters, because they could not get in trouble. They were like, drive my cop car. And you're like, what the fuck? Drive my cop car? Just fucking totally. Did they drive on the left side or the right side? Same side as us? I don't remember. I was there for three months. you'd think I'd know. I have no idea.

94:49I think they drive on the same side as us. But they, I mean, like, the whole experience in Russia was just I mean, it was just, I remember one time Igor and Sasha said they were going to get a boat for us for Russian May Day or Labor Day. And they're like, yeah, we got to they're going to have a big boat for our whole class. We're all going out in a boat. So I get up early for the day we're going out in a boat and I go over to Igor's room and Igor's eating dried fish, drinking beers. And I was like, what's the matter? And he's like, I'm fucked i go what he goes we got no boat like what do you mean he goes i've done everything to try to get a boat i can't get a fucking boat and we've promised the class of boat for the tour is supposed to have a boat and so we're like oh fuck and he goes and then all of a sudden his the phone rings

95:30and he goes we got a boat i go we do and he goes yeah so we start walking to the dock we're carrying a fucking big case of beer my whole class cameras and fucking their little passports around their neck and one of his buddies just walks up and he's like hey and he's like hey and then we just get to the dock and there's a boat there and we just get on it and take off and halfway through we realized the guy just stole the fucking boat. He just stole the boat and he was like Russia must be just fucking crazy. Insane. We went to a big mob boss party one night and Igor's like tells the mob boss, he goes, this is the machine. This is the guy. How does this all happen? I just was loud and then I was partying with Igor and Sasha so much that like and they just tell their friends, oh you gotta meet this guy. You've got to meet this guy. He's so funny. Dude, we're going to have to drink with you.

96:17I never lived it down. We've got to do shots with Bert Crusher. You've got to be careful, man. You're selling yourself as this incredible, fun party guy, and everyone's going to want to do shots with you. Oh, I don't. I'm fucking... Are you friends with Igor on Facebook now? Have you tried to find him? I don't think Igor's a lot. Can I follow Igor on Twitter? I think Igor... Sasha wanted to be a filmmaker really bad. Yeah? He really wanted to be a filmmaker and he'd talk about film. What kind of film? I have no fun. I was... Snuff. I was 22 at the time. Murder films. Igor was probably dead I would say You had a pretty interesting life Before you ever became a comedian You would think you have a wealth of fucking stuff To talk about on stage Did you ever figure out a way to tell that mobster story on stage? I can't because it's too long I can tell you here But to tell it You just need to chop it up

97:02It's hard, it's really hard It's like the Tracy Morgan story I never felt comfortable telling that story Well that's ridiculous, well there's a perfect example Because look, Jay was telling it on stage and it was crushing You should totally tell that on stage Maybe I'll have him tell the machine story and then have him tighten it up. And then have him tighten it up. Have him tighten it up. Yeah. Just farm it out to other, like, you know, if there's some Mexican comics in town, sort of like surrogate jokes, you can have them carry your joke for you into, you know, term. But, yeah. So I don't party like that really anymore. You were just telling us how much hammered you get lately because you were trying to avoid this. On planes. Yeah. Like, that's fucking anxiety. That's me trying to handle whatever I've done to my brain so that I can get from fucking L.A. to New York.

97:45Do you feel like some guys don't want to lose that anxiety because they're worried that if they become evolved, some whatever, enlightened, however you want to say, that they wouldn't be funny anymore. Yeah, I'm afraid whatever. I get nervous as shit before I go on stage still. I used to think that if I became more enlightened, I wouldn't be funny. I would avoid doing yoga and I would avoid meditating because I literally thought I had to be more fucked up to be funny. I feel that way. Like they asked me to get on this drug called Celexa. For what? What does that do? They say I have social anxiety disorder. Let's see. Celexa. How do you spell it? S-E-L-E-C. C-E-L-E-X-A? No, I want to say it's an S. I got a prescription for it. It's used to treat depression. Yeah. A class of antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. It works at increasing the amount of serotonin, a natural substance.

98:36You know, my thing with all this stuff is first get your body in order. You know, this is what I tell everybody. Whenever I talk to anybody and they're like, oh, I'm thinking about getting on something. I'm not completely opposed to people doing any sort of antidepressant. I know people that's changed their fucking life. I know people where it's helped them dramatically, you know, including one buddy of mine who got on it, changed his life and then slowly weaned himself off of it and literally has a different way of thinking now. Really? And it saved him. Yeah, he was really super depressed. He had some real issues. you know how much of it was his childhood how much of it was his you know biology whatever the fuck it is but I think you gotta get your body in order before you start fucking around with all that stuff my body's a wreck yeah well of course it's not working so good then yeah but it's

99:19how often do you work out? do you want to be healthy? yeah yeah no no no do you want advice? do you want advice? why don't you join some sort of a gym get some sort of a trainer I'm not home when's that ever gonna happen? okay how about this bring a DVD on the road with you. I have DVDs that are all bodyweight exercises. Yeah? Yeah. You can do it in your hotel room. You set a laptop down on the bed, and right in front of the bed, you need a fucking small space. You start doing Hindu squats and Hindu push-ups. Shake weight, man. And push-ups with claps in between them, and then you can do handstands against the wall. Dude, you can have a serious fucking workout. Steve Maxwell told me how to do chin-ups on a door. You put a towel inside the door, slam it shut so there's a knot in the towel, and the knot stays like so that you know you can you can uh slam the door shut and you know you can have it

100:08like so you can't pull the towel through yeah and then you do chin-ups with it i do all kinds of crazy shit in my hotel room yeah i'm sure that's one of the things i need to do uh but before you start taking any crazy i'm not gonna take it they just said that's what you should be on who says this some fucking doctor i went to a therapist once and she was like you need to talk to because i you know i have a problem flying and i've always had a problem flying and i fly 200,000 miles a year But I still Have anxiety When I get on a plane I can't get rid of it I just Disappeared And so they're like Yo what's You need to get on Celexa You also have Social anxiety disorder And I'm like I don't fucking I can talk to people All day long Yeah that's ridiculous Anyone would say That you have A social anxiety disorder You're a fucking comedian But I Yeah but I don't know So I'm sure there's a ton of things I need to do to fix my

100:53Everyone has a little bit Of social anxiety Just cause you don't I mean when you first Talk to someone You don't know What the fuck you're getting You get better at it and more used to it as you get older But I used to remember, I used to go to banks And I had already started doing comedy at the time And I would fucking Have weird almost Like failures of my speech When I was talking to someone at the bank You know what I mean? I'd get up to the counter Can I help you sir? Yeah I needed to deposit Deposit those It just couldn't come out right I was nervous for whatever stupid reason. I mean, I had fought. I had done stand-up. I'd done all these scary, scary things. But talking to the teller for whatever reason would make me lock up. So I think we all have a certain amount of social anxiety. It's just a matter of overcoming that. You just need indica, Bert. No, the whole worst.

101:47I've gotten so confused with whatever indica or sativa. Slow weed. Whichever, like every time I have a conversation with someone, they're like, oh, you need the one that doesn't make you think. Right. But you want the one that doesn't make your body. You don't want to feel it in your body. and I'm like what the fuck well it seems like that you're overthinking everything so it seems like the Indica would help out I don't think it's any different than anyone else I don't think I'm I don't think I'm I think if anyone had my lifestyle or my life like where you travel you're gone all the time you're jumping off buildings you're jumping out of planes right I think if anyone had my life they'd go through this shit has it noticeably changed since you started doing this show it's gotten much better last year it was really bad but I've gotten much better with my anxiety like now I can appreciate like things and go wow

102:27this is really cool that I'm getting to do this. Like last year I was just a fucking wreck. Yeah. I would find, I would find injury in the smallest thing. I'd be like, that's gonna, I'm gonna, we were doing a belly flop contest. And I was like, what if there was like a stick? I'm just going to fucking impale myself on it. It's a good question. You should look out for sticks. Thank you. Everyone was like, are you out of your fucking mind? You're going to break it. And I was like, no, it'll go right through my body and I'll die. Depends on how big the stick is. They're all confident that you're going to break it. I guess I don't, but I, but I've gotten much better. You'd be fun to be in production with. You're like, that's a good question. Yeah, man. I'm the worst person when it comes to anything dangerous. I'm the guy who's like, listen, listen, you take chances, motherfucker. Okay, nothing wrong with that.

103:06But you better be aware of what you're doing. Don't be stupid about it. Take informed chances. Yeah. This season's been a lot of fun. A lot of fun to shoot. Do you do comedy when you're on the road, like filming? Do you schedule gigs? No. No. But if I do comedy, all of a sudden, And all the chaos gets real fucking mellow. Because I can talk and I feel like I'm getting that outlet. I was in the middle of a month's stretch from Alaska to New York to D.C. to Indianapolis. And then leaving Indianapolis, we had to fly to Cincinnati. And my wife's like, and I'm complaining to her about my brain or whatever is wrong with me. And then she was like, just go get on stage. Just go over to the Funny Bone in Cincinnati and get on stage. It's a good idea. I was like, I guess that's a good idea. Because it's almost like a form of exercise, like this amount of energy that you expend on stage. Oh, yeah.

103:55I think one of the things that's wrong with me is I don't listen very well and I talk more than I listen. Some people are good listeners. I feel like I'm all fucking exporting data. Well, listen, you're aware of that, so you'll be a better listener. It's that simple. If you're aware of one thing that's fucking with you or one thing that you don't like about how you behave, that's step one. That's even more than step one Step one is like thinking what's wrong with me Step two is like figuring out what it is You're at step two, you already know what it is But yeah, but I think once I do stand up That I start listening Because I'm done talking Like do you ever get done with like a long stretch And you're like I'm fucking, do not want to hear myself speak Yes, sure I'm done talking, I just want to It's hard to discipline myself to listen to tapes when that happens

104:42I can't fucking listen to tapes, I've never listened to a tape ever Really? How do you go over your bits? It's all in my head whoa yeah do you think that that's the best way to do it or you just that's the best way for you i i know that's not the best way to do it because anytime i look at a tape i go man i should have i could do that different i could do better yeah and it always works but i'm i hate looking at myself on film and just watching it and going over it and being like you know what i say to myself what i say you're a professional i'm a professional comedian and my job as a professional comedian is to do it the best i can and to do it the best i can i have to review tapes i have to actually write. I have to take chances on stage where I go on stage and I just don't know what the fuck I'm going to talk about. I just go, I have to do that. Go down dark roads, especially

105:24like Sal's comedy hole. I love that place. Cause it's like 80 people and we, you know, I can just fuck around and talk about anything and bits will come out of that. So there's that, but you got to write and you got to review your shit. You got to listen to it. You got to do it all. You got to do everything. I write, but I think going through my shit's exhausting. It is exhausting, but that's part of the job. You know, as a, as I've gotten older and as I've gotten, I think, um, I wouldn't, I wouldn't say that I take my stand up more seriously, but I think I've gotten better at being disciplined about it, especially like the last special that I did was like, came out less than a year, like a little over a year ago. And I've got a completely new hour and 20 minutes between now and then. And it was difficult to do that. I've never done that

106:02before. I always sort of slowly built up an act, you know, over the next few years because I kind of had to, you know, but now the way I do it, I, I, I just, you know, and I, I kind of like got inspired by Louis CK talking about how he comes up with a new hour every year. So I, you know, I just tried to attack it and write as much shit as possible. And in doing that and trying to put together a new hour in a year, you, you have to review material. You have to be more disciplined about it. You have to be more professional about it. Yeah. But I know it's your new hour thematic of who you are right now. It's the best thing I've ever done for sure. It's most, the most silly but i also think that's part of the reason is because this podcast like i don't feel like the need to um extrapolate or or to expand on like philosophical ideas or or try to make

106:50something funny that might not necessarily be funny like all i'm really concerned about is being funny as opposed to you know like sometimes i'd have bits about something i just wanted to talk about why don't i have to worry about that now because i just talk about it on the podcast you know i mean there's the outlet is better so in a sense i think it's condensed my comedy and made it sharper and better, made it more funny. My comedy's all over the fucking place right now. Everything's all over the place. What is your comedy? Is it any kind of theme, or are you just pretty much... You sound like some guy at the fucking hotel. No, I mean... What do you do, comedian? So what do you do when you're on stage there? Do you have a theme to your act there, fella? What kind of comedy do you do? If you're talking about your comedy, Joe, you'd say it's more like a storytelling-based.

107:36It's kind of conspiracy, kind of theory, your kind of life. Conspiracy theory. Well, it used to be more conspiracy, but not as much anymore. Not really conspiracy. We're talking about the pyramids bit, you mean? I wouldn't say that it's a conspiracy. Pyramids, Noah's Ark, all that stuff. But do you have more of a, like, bitty? Are you more jokey-jokey? No, no, I'm straight up storytelling. Storytelling? I would say more so. My stand-up show is more like you're going to watch someone. I feel like it's literally you're coming to my house, I'm telling you stories. I'm standing on the ottoman and you're sitting on the couch and I'm just, you're like, man, that guy's house is fun to be at. Like, it's a lot of just crowd interaction. You know, I told you this last time I bring people on stage, but it's straight up stories. I've had always had a hard time.

108:17Like I have a great story about the first time I met Will Smith and I've had a hard time. I have a hard time telling it because I feel like it's, I feel like it's name droppy. Yeah. Yeah. It's just, it's just, yeah. Whenever you, you're, you're running uphill. Whenever you say, oh, here's the time I met Will Smith. Like get the fuck out of here. Do you still hang out with him? I think you need to have a jamming fucking story if you want to bring up the time you met Will Smith. Just to overcome the weight of carrying that story around. But it's all storytelling. Do you write? Do you sit down and write stuff? No, I can't write a story because then it loses. The story always works the first time I tell it on stage. And if I ever could have ever videotaped it, I'd be like, bam, that's how I need to tell it every time.

109:01But you've got to almost – the way I work is my brain, I've got to feel the beats, like feel the beats and where they go and where they drop and where they hit. And then – and if I write it, it just becomes very long-winded and all the jokes that would fit in on stage just don't fit in. They're like longer themes. So everything you talk about on stage is pretty much stories? Yeah, I would say. So you literally never sit down with a laptop and say I'm going to do the Russian mob story, then I'm going to do the Gary Green story. the hardest one for me to tell on stage. I've done it. I've done, did it on, do you ever done Elliot in the morning in DC? No, I did Elliot in the morning and I told him on, on his show. And then everyone would come to the show and be like, machine, machine. And then I'd get up at the end of the night and I'd be like, fuck, I got to tell a story.

109:44That seems like a show or a story rather. You can tell on stage. I'm going to try, I'm going to try to start working it into shows, but it's also weird. If like, like I do the, I do the fight and a bear story on stage. I do the, uh, I do the story about my daughters, uh, my daughters but yeah you never like say what if you did a special are you going to do a Comedy Central special I've done an hour you did an hour when did you do this probably 18 months ago and when you did it did you feel like did you have to write all new stuff after you did it yeah but that's but I also get I feel like a hack if I tell old jokes I'm very I don't like listening I feel like a phony a lot a lot I feel like a phony only because I don't like I guess when I when I got into stand-up I traded whatever, my wife goes nuts about it I traded whatever brain I have That is the guy that gets a job At Dean Witter or whatever And has those luncheon stories

110:41And tells a story about golf last week I traded it in for every story is fucking funny Every story is funny And I don't, like, I'm fucking willing To mind anything And if it takes it quick Like the Russian Mob story I obviously shorten a massive chunk of that Because the real story is a little depressing The real story gets really depressing But if you tell it to people But there's something crazy about you robbing people Do you tell the story about you working out in the bookstore? Dude You gotta tell that one I was thinking about that You never masturbated down there There was a guy There was a sign up This is gonna sound even crazier There was a sign up When you'd go to hit an afraid elevator That said whoever There was double doors Whoever is urinating on this door please stop There's offices on the other side so I kept seeing that going wow that's so funny I bring the freight elevator down here to work out

111:33I wonder who's bringing it down to piss on these doors and then I started thinking what happens when you piss on these doors like does it it's got to be a fucking really good payoff for someone to really risk it and just do it and I was like I should do that I should definitely piss on those doors and then that's why I got caught because they were reviewing tape to find out who was pissing on the doors and then they saw me working out and they were like well it's got to be him pissing on the doors too so I'm sure I got fucking for both of those. Yeah, without a doubt. But you know, it's so funny. Now that you... This is the way my brain works. I remember Attell telling me I had a joke one time about... My name's... When I was growing up, I tried tagging in my neighborhood. So I got a can of spray paint and I was all... I was like, son of a bitch. I'm the only Bert that lives in this neighborhood.

112:20And then I was like, sucks, dick. And Attell was like, that's a great joke. And I was like... And as soon as he said that, I'm like, that's in every fucking act. So now that you say you should tell them working out in the Barnes & Noble. As soon as you said that, my brain went, oh, that is good. I never saw it as good. I never thought it was worthy to bring on stage. Dude, that's a classic bit. I laughed. When you said that, you know, we have cameras down here, dude, that would crush. Yeah, now I'll tell it on stage. But that's the way my brain works. Like, I never thought about telling Tracy Morgan and Jay's like, you've got to fucking tell it on stage. And I was like, eh. Have you guys resolved that? I don't know. I think so. I mean, here's the thing is that if he wants to tell it, can tell it. Right. I don't want to tell it. I don't like it. Do you make him say that it's Burt Kreischer? No, because I don't want

113:03Tracy Morgan fucking... Tracy, one day, that fucking hen is coming back to roost. You think so? He's going to get mad at you? Come on. He's going to love you. First of all, he tells crazier stories than that every time he goes on the radio. You ever seen the thing that he pulls his shirt off and goes, someone get pregnant instead of slapping his stomach? Tracy Morgan's one of the most hilarious individuals around, but I just don't know him. So I don't want to... Like, I only met him one time, so I don't want to yeah but it's such a funny story I don't think he I think he as a comic would just go that is a hilarious story in a weird way also though and I think I admitted this to Jay it's better I enjoy the people coming to me and go I heard that Tracy Morgan story of yours that's fucking hilarious I enjoy that more than telling it every night on stage and having that to be my closer and then every night everyone's like

113:47Tracy Morgan and I'm like ugh fucking again why it's a great story I don't know please I don't know I'm that's an amazing story it's a great story It's a great story. It's a pretty fucking great story. And I guarantee you, I guarantee you, Tracy Morgan would have no problem with you telling that. Tracy Morgan is like Joey Diaz. Except every now and then, Joey Diaz would get upset at you telling the truth about some story. Well, you got mad about marijuana. Well, how about, yeah, how about the thing the other day? Yeah, you're telling everybody on your podcast I didn't fucking show up for that show that one time. But you didn't tell them I was over at Eddie Bravo's. I was at Eddie Bravo's. Like, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, I like that response. He was at Eddie Bravo's and then went to go see a movie. Yeah, it was crazy. Meanwhile, people quote it on my website. I ain't going to lie to you, dog. I never left Vegas.

114:28Did you ever do impressions? That's what he was in. What? Did you ever do impressions? You're really good at doing people's voices. He's been doing a lot of impressions. You do Brian Callen, and it's so subtle, but it really sounds like Brian Callen. I can do a few. I can do Alex Jones. Anybody realize I'm a Jew? I can't really do Ari. I can't really do Ari. I have to know I can do people. I can do Alex Jones. I can do him real good. Yeah, you do do a good Alex Jones. Ladies and gentlemen, black helicopters have been spotted outside of Dallas, Texas right now. We're going to go live. Infowars.com. That one and Joey Diaz are your two best. Those are my two best. I can do Mike Tyson. That's easy. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Pretty easy. I can do Scotty J from Boogie Nights. Do you remember Boogie Nights? No. What an obscure fucking... Scotty J was Philip Seymour Hoffman. Yes. Do you remember when... This is the only...

115:20It's not even words. Do you remember when everyone saw Dirk Diggler's cock for the first time? Yes. And everyone had their moment. And Burt Reynolds kind of was smoking a cigar and kind of went like this. Everyone kind of went like this. And this is Scotty J. He was holding a boom mic. And he just went. That's the only impression I can do. That's pretty good, dude. I think you nailed it. You brought me right back to that movie. I love that movie. You know, when I first started out, I used to do impressions. But I stopped doing them because I felt like it was cheap. I felt like it was cheap laughs. Because I would see guys that would go on stage and they would get laughs just with impressions. Meanwhile, there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, it's kind of interesting to see someone do an impression. It gives you some sort of a charge. Like, wow, he does sound just like him.

115:59Oh, I was like, I need four or five of those in my act. Yeah. Just to sprinkle them in between. They were such a great, like, D.C. Benny used to pull out a fucking, this is my impression of an Italian eye doctor. What you looking at? And it was just like real quick. D.C. Benny, wow, I haven't seen that guy in forever. I used to party with him and Ben Bailey and Tony Woods back when I was like that. Tony Woods. Tony Woods is like one of my best friends. Tony Woods is fucking hilarious. Tony Woods is amazing. He's like, I mean, I think Dave Chappelle is very original. Don't get me wrong. But Tony Woods is like the original Dave Chappelle. Like, is very similar style to Dave and really fucking funny. And I'm not saying that Dave stole from him. Dave is just, it's like, he's one of those guys that we've all known guys like that for whatever reasons.

116:46Like, they're really funny, but this fucking thing doesn't get on the right track. and something doesn't happen and people don't know you're really funny. There's a few guys like that, like J.B. Smooth. Oh, J.B. Smooth's making a lot of money now. He's a destroyer. He's always been a destroyer, man. I did a gig in New Jersey once with J.B. Smooth, and he was late. We both were late. We got lost. It was ridiculous directions. This is pre-navigation systems, okay? This is like 1992, 91, and we're both pretty much scrubs. We're both starting out, and we're doing these stupid gigs. And I did this college. And they were all excited to see me because I had done the NACA thing. And you get on stage and I killed at the NACA conference. And I got all these bookings. And I was so excited. Well, I get there. I think I've told this story before, so I'll make it briefly. I get there. And, well, the opener's not here.

117:35J.B. Smooth was supposed to open. I was supposed to close. The opener's not here yet. So do you want to just sit down and watch TV? Okay. So I sit down in their little rec room and watch TV. And I watch this fucking special on the Malibu fires. I don't know what year it was. I'm assuming like 93, 92, 93. and it was devastating. These people were crying and there was a kid walking around calling out for his dog and he's walking over these burnt down foundations with smoke coming out and they're calling every five seconds, Mike, Mikey, Mikey, calling out for whatever the fuck the dog's name is. And there's a guy who's a fireman and he's crying and he's crying talking about this house is the only thing that he worked his whole life to build this fucking house. Well, the opener hasn't come so we're just going to throw you up. Is that okay? Yeah.

118:19Okay. And I didn't know back then, like there's, I had to learn a bunch of times that you have to get yourself into a certain state of mind before you go on stage that you can't just, just try to perform. You know, you, you have to put your mind, you know, when you're 21 and no one or whatever the fuck I was, and no one's telling you what to do. You can kind of develop like, like really loose habits when it comes to your, your standup. so I went up there dude and you know I did not know how to start the show off I didn't expect to be starting the show off so I didn't prepare for that I prepared to be following the guy so I didn't have anything I didn't you know when you start a show off from scratch you got to settle everybody in you got to calm everybody down get control of the room then start with some jokes

118:59and open strong open strong so that they think it's worth following you and paying attention I did neither of these things all I did was go on stage and think about these poor fucking people that lost their houses to the fire. So then, for whatever reason, a joke bombs, right? And then I just say, I shouldn't have watched that fucking show. I'm sorry. This is what I did. Right before I went on stage, I watched this documentary about all these people in Malibu who lost their houses to fires. And I go, and I'm fucking depressed. And the audience is like 200 kids. They're like, what? Why are you telling us this? Are you a fucking comedian? Like, what are you here for? I'm really depressed, guys. It was terrible. And then J.B. Smooth finally showed up. So he goes on after I eat dick for half an hour. He goes up and just crushes. And it was exactly what they want. He was silly and high energy.

119:45And, you know, he just picked up the ball where I left it in a pile of dog shit and just ran with it. But he's another guy. It's like, why is that guy not a giant fucking huge star? Tony Woods, Brian, I'm imagining you've never seen him do stand-up. He used to go on and purposely, literally not speak for the first two minutes. And just Tony Woods would not speak. Really? And just get himself organized Real slow delivery And then he'd say something like I know what you're thinking A joke would be good to write about now But I'm black And I don't Just when I get to work doesn't mean I start working I gotta walk around for 15 minutes And see who the girl He was so fucking He was like my zen master When I started comedy Like just really fucking Like just like I'd tell a story and be like that story's good I told a story one night about fucking a girl on the waitstaff that I worked at the Boston Comedy Club

120:41and I lasted like two seconds and she got really fucking pissed and started yelling at me after it and I was like and I didn't give a shit I was fucking drunk and we were in my hotel room and I was like listen you can't do that shit I was telling her on stage I was like you can't do that shit and she was like fuck you fuck you you better go online and learn how to read a manual about how to fuck somebody and I was like and I was like you know what I don't care I got I fucked you I win and she was like ah and then I go and you're getting out of here you're going to Brooklyn and so she was like motherfucker and then got all dressed got to my door I'm still totally naked with a beer in my hand she's at my door and she was like she was like I swear to god I fucking and then looked at me and went like and that and I went and then we both started laughing I slammed the door and then she pounded on every door in my building going

121:24Bert Kreischer can't fuck Bert Kreischer can't fuck this is true this is a true story yeah and so I get done and I tell it on stage and then I get off and Tony Woods goes alright Number one, don't ever tell that story ever again. Why? I go, why not? And he goes, no one wants to hear that shit. All right, let's leave. Tony was just like the best to be around. Well, he's wrong. I want to hear that story all day. Did he die? No. No, no, no. He lives in D.C. I give him a call every time I'm in D.C. Why would he say not tell that story? Because you don't want people to know that you can't fuck? I don't know. So that's a black-white thing. Black guys never want to talk about how bad they are in bed. Yeah, there's a lot of things that are different. I remember we did a show with Donnell Rollins. and red grant uh with the two black comics and they were like oh man you never run a train on

122:08nobody i was like no i've never run a train on anybody and they're like oh man that must just be a hood thing and i was like but you guys like like fuck a girl at the same time and then he's like yeah you run it down everyone ran trains on people i was like i've never once ran a train i go that's kind of gay and they're like no that's not gay at all i go what the fuck it's really gay like a bunch of guys like playing leaky submarine with some girl just rock rock rock there's a hole back here. But that's another thing. I don't think that has nothing to do with brothers. That's just freaks. Seriously? You just weren't hanging out with wild people. Man, I guarantee you, two of the trend topic. Run trains? Dude, people run trains in all races. Really? Yeah. Have you ever run a train? Listen, we're on the podcast. Of course he has. This is on the internet right now. I've never even had sex with.

122:52I've only had sex with. How many people? Can you guess how many people you've had sex with? No. Really? No. I've got like eight. Eight? That's it. That's good. You're doing well. My wife was in. About seven more than I expected from you. I was thinking after that wage, she just called it quits, but then I remembered you had a daughter. I don't know, man. I stopped counting. When you're a comic and you're on the road, things get squirrely. When you're a single man, you can do whatever you want. Things can get squirrely. Oh, my God. How many comics do you know that would literally, that's what they were looking for more than even doing comedy they just want to get laid after shows oh every single one we know a lot of guys i know guys have damaged their careers because they don't write they don't do anything all they do is try to go up on stage and kill and hope they

123:41meet a girl after the show that was the that was the way i i i wrapped my head around the store really i thought the store was all like fucking ahmed sebastian steve brett i thought mike young i thought they all just went up murdered just to fuck and then i was like you think they did is that do you think that that's like a, is that a valid thought or is that just your own weird paranoia? Semi-valid thought. I think that's a semi-valid thought. I did a tour with those guys once and they were just like, they're like, I was doing more time. They're like, what the fuck are you doing? Like I was, we were each doing like 20 minutes and I was doing 30. I'm like, what are you doing 30 for? Let's get out of here. And I was like, let's go to a bar. Yeah, let's go to a bar. Let's fucking fucking. Tell everybody we're at a party. I was like, I'm married. I want to do time. That's funny.

124:25You wanted to do extra stand-up, and they wanted to get off quicker. So what they're worried about, see, if there's Mike Young, Brent Ernst, and Aaron, was it Aaron Cater? All in one room, and then, you know, you want to be the first guy off stage. Because you want to be the one to attack quick. You don't want to get there after Mike Young's already taken her into the bathroom. Yeah. Could be careful. Fucking Mike Young. God. Mike Young. Mike, his middle name isn't. Mike isn't young anymore. That's what it should be. He eats like a crazy man, too. Does he? Oh, yeah. He's got that pancreatic cancer in his family. What's that? What? Yeah, he's got cancer, brain cancer, pancreatic. So have you ever eaten with him? Have you eaten with him? What does he eat? He just eats very healthy. Like, we went to Hooters one day, and he had a chicken breast and a bowl of lettuce. And I was like, what?

125:10And he was like, man, I've got to keep my healthy, my shit clean. Cancer runs in my family, and it just creeps up, and you die. Wow. Yeah. That's creepy. Like, he doesn't drink beers. He'll do shots of tequila. Oh, that's healthy. That's real good for you. Yeah. What the fuck is that? I don't know. It's so fucking stupid. Joey Diaz has started smoking cigarettes again. What? Yeah, what is he doing? Wait, how? I saw him smoking. He didn't just start. It's been going on for a while. He smoked one at the airport the other day. Yeah, he's been doing it for a while. He was telling me that he only smokes them before shows, but then I saw him smoking one at the airport. What's going on? He's also on. How old is Joey Diaz? You know Joey Diaz, Joe. It's like Bigfoot. When he dies, there will be no record of him. Who do you want to speak at your funeral? No one. No one? No one. Light me on fire. Who gives a fuck? Are you serious?

125:51Yeah, stupid. I don't want a bunch of people standing around crying because I'm gone. Are you serious? Yeah, I don't like going to them. I hate funerals. I've skipped like the last three friends that die. Yeah, my friends, when friends die, I, you know, I mourn them in my own mind and think about them, but I'm not into it. Really? So when did he start smoking? Because I see him the other day with a cigarette. I go, what the fuck is going on? Well, you know what I found out? Brian, did you tell me or did Ari tell me? Ari told me Joey's outside smoking. And I go, did we just smoked? I thought he meant weed. He goes, no, no, he's smoking that other stuff. I go, other stuff? Are you saying that? Yeah. And then we were working in Brea. And then I went outside and Joey's smoking a cigarette with you. And I go, what are you doing? This just gets the fucking party started. This gets the blood pumping.

126:37You know what I'm saying? Right before I go on stage. I go, you smoking cigarettes? No, no, no. Right before I go up. Right before I go up. Just get a little taste. Get a little fucking makes me crazy. Makes me nuts. I just want to go up there and go fucking nuts on these motherfuckers. It's been a while. Actually, I've known about it for maybe a year. Wow. Does Terry still smoke? Does his girl still smoke? I don't think she does, but she did last time I saw her. She did last time you saw her, which was how long ago? Not long ago at all. The drunk cast. Yeah. The UFC drunk cast. I don't like people dabbling in cigarettes, Matt. It's a scary thing. Joe, we had on Ari's podcast yesterday on Death Squad, we had Mack Lindsey. and he was I don't know if you saw it or not but he was talking about how he you know grew up being

127:21a huge drug addict homeless you know meth head and he did like Doug Stanhope show while he was on meth and then like Doug like would have talked to him for five years and I mean it's a pretty interesting interview but the one thing he says like he's like you know everything else I haven't touched anything for five years or anything but fucking cigarettes I can't fucking do it he's like I've tried so many times he's like it's impossible he's like I'll quit and it's just It's amazing how, I mean, meth even. That's why I'm looking at Joey and I'm like, what makes you think? You had a real hard time. For years, he would tell me, Joe Rogan, it's the hardest fucking thing I ever had to quit. Those cigarettes, there's something in them. They get in your bones. You know what I'm saying? They never leave. They get in your fucking sweat and your blood. They get in there and you can't get them out, Joe Rogan.

128:01You can't get them out. And now I see it. I see someone smoking. It makes me sick. It makes me sick to my stomach. I can't believe I ever did that. So to see him smoking again after all that. Even though you say that, which is what I would say too when I quit and everything like that. Yeah, that's what you did say when you quit, yeah. In the back of your head though, every time you smell it or see a cigarette, you still think. I still think about it. I haven't smoked in well over 20 years. What does it make you feel? Like what happens when you crave it? What does it give you? What is the feeling like? Because no one – see, when you smoke pot, you sit back and you're like, whoa. Like you feel it hit you. It's instant. It changes your outlook. It gives you an altered perception. It's like it changes your body. It makes you more sensitive. I see people smoking cigarettes, and I'm like, you're still the same guy.

128:44Nothing happened there. It relaxes you. It does relax. It relaxes you. I'd shoot tobacco for a long time. No? For the same reason? Yeah, I'd shoot tobacco because I couldn't imagine doing this, what we're doing right now, without a dip in my mouth. Really? I couldn't imagine. I could not imagine. If someone would come into our lounge and our fraternity or into my apartment and be like, dude, you're never going to believe what happened. I'd be like, give me a second. Let me get a dip. because a good story was like... You had to have a dip first. Man, Sal from Sal's Comedy Hole is addicted to cigars. Holy shit, that guy is just... I go, how many do you smoke a day? He's like, all day. I go, all day? And he smokes them when they're just a blob of crap. And then he goes and gives somebody money to go buy them more. Does he inhale them? No, you don't inhale cigars. Some people do. Really? Yeah, that's what I mean.

129:27Usually people that are addicted to cigars inhale them. Yeah, most people that are addicted to cigars inhale them. Like, I smoke cigars, but I don't inhale them. So if I have one, it's going to be because my dad's in town. where someone says, hey, would anyone like a cigar? Dude, you want to come with me, man? I got a membership at the Grand Havana Room. I got a humidor up there and everything. Seriously? You don't smoke cigars? Yeah, I do. I do. Me and my friend Matt, we go there every now and then. We have little butt buddies. We have our names on the plaque together. We share a box. We've got a bunch of Cuban cigars. Is that Beverly Hills? Yeah, you sit down and you feel like a fat cat. You know, all these assholes. But what's really interesting is how many celebrities go there and see, look, it's David Caruso, who looks a million years old, by the way. It's like, wow, that's the guy from NYPD Blue?

130:07Now he's become this weird sort of a caricature with his sunglasses and the CSI Miami. Those shows, man. You're doing one of those shows, man. You want to talk about a life-changing thing. That's your new life, pal. Your new life, it revolves around this show that you're doing because you're going to film it most of the year, and you're going to film it most of the day, most of the week. almost the entire week you're going to be spent filming five six days a week 12 hour days sometimes more depending on which shots need to get done those those fucking shows are brutal i've had a bunch of offers i've had a few things come my way where you know they wanted to meet me for something like that i'm like what is it single camera drama stop stop talking stop talking i'm not doing you don't seem like a five-year plan five-year plan kind of the more time goes

130:52on, man, the more I am just enjoying doing comedy, doing the podcast and doing the UFC. And I wish the UFC, I would like to do less of those. I love doing it, but sometimes I travel just a bit too much. I would love it if it was like in LA or something like that, but sometimes it's hard. But when I'm there, I never wish I was anywhere else. I'm enjoying everything I do. So I'm very careful right now to make sure that I don't take on anything else that I don't enjoy. Because right now my life is like a little masterpiece. Like I've got it set up. So I'm like when I'm in town I'm enjoying everything I'm doing I have the greatest group of friends you know and a part of it is this podcast you know and now because this podcast the people that are coming to see me at the shows are different it's like now they're all podcast fans and they really know where the fuck I'm coming from and we're all

131:37where we're all coming from I mean Brian gets fucking huge rounds of applause when he goes on stage now Brian do like five minute sets and in Portland gets huge rounds of applause Ari does too huge huge round of applause in Seattle Brian's the puff daddy of podcasts It's balling, bro. But it's all good stuff. It's not like – when I was doing Fear Factor, it was like it was a great job. It paid ridiculous money and it was really easy. It was three days a week. But during those three days, I would wish I was doing something else. And I did it happily because it was a lot of money. But there's never a time when I'm doing a podcast, never a time when I'm doing stand-up, never a time when I'm doing the UFC where I go, wow, I wish I was doing something else. Every time there's a UFC, I'm like, fuck yeah, here we go. You know, the boom, boom, the sound comes on, the lights dim, first fight starts.

132:21I'm like, whoa, I punch knuckles with Mike Goldberg. Here we go. Every time, man, I'm like a little kid. I love it. There's never a time where I'm like, God, I can't believe I'm sitting here watching fights. Never, never. And stand up right before I'm going to go on stage. There's never a time where I'm like, fuck, I can't believe I'm doing stand up. Never, never. Now, how much does money incorporate into any of your decision making? Well, it has to. But luckily, I make good money from the UFC, and I make good money from stand-up. So it doesn't have to. It's like as long as those things are covered, then I don't have to think about it. It's when they're not covered, then it has to become an issue. How much? Okay, go ahead. Like say when I first started doing Fear Factor, I was not making really good money with stand-up. I was doing news radio, the sitcom.

133:04Can you tell me how much you were making on stand-up back then? A few grand a week. Like a couple grand? A couple grand. Okay. Yeah, two grand, $2,500 maybe on a good week. But I was doing like Thursday through Sunday. You know, maybe news radio is getting it was a little more than that towards the end because it was 99 when I put out my CD and that that definitely helped. And I was getting paid better in clubs. And there were some places where I could sell out. But there was inconsistent and it's few and far between. So like when something like Fear Factor came up, it was like, well, here's a good chance to make really good money. You know, and when you say like twenty five hundred people go, wow, that's a lot of money. But then, you know, when you take away agents fees, managers fees and also a business manager and consider you're also a different tax bracket. And taxes. Because you're on news radio.

133:44Yeah. So I can tell you exactly how much you walk away with $2,500. Yeah. That was my rate. Yeah. You walk away with $0.30 on the dollar? $0.35 on the dollar? Yeah, it's ridiculous. Yeah, it's ridiculous. But that's just the way it is. So you have to make good money to stay ahead of the curve. And then if you want to be able to relax, you have to have enough in the bank so you don't worry if something happens. I mean, financial freedom, the real financial freedom is not the freedom to buy things and to own things. The real financial freedom is to not worry about money. That's the number one thing. Get yourself in a place where you could feed yourself and be able to. Brian Callen said this to me once, and I really took it to heart. And he goes, being rich, I'd like to be rich. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what I want to do? I want to be able to go to a nice restaurant whenever I want. Go to a nice restaurant.

134:31And I'm like, that's so true. Like, be able to eat at a nice place and never go, well, how much is the steak? 28. How much is the fish? 24. We have the fish. You know that feeling? Which means even then, I mean, I clearly remember thinking like that. That's real financial freedom. You don't have to think about stuff. So the way I've got everything set up, man, it's like I'm in a real good spot right now. So I've got to be real careful about taking on any other things. I talked about pitching this show right now. It's sort of based on some of the ideas that came up on the podcast. But really, the more I'm thinking about it, the more I'd rather just put cameras on the podcast. Yeah, that seems like the most ideal thing because we're pretty much doing it already. might as well do it out of all the things in your career i would say this is probably the most

135:16and this is this is just as a person who's who's obviously been a fan of yours and i'd say a friend somewhat but uh this is probably the most representative of you and this is this is your this is the one thing that i think when you pass people will go dude his podcast was fucking yeah that was before people were really like doing them and and it was just it was breaking ground i mean And it was like, and it was his, it's your personality. Your stand-up's your personality, but it also has to be delivered in a one-two set. There is a payoff at every moment in your stand-up. So you will compromise, despite how much people will argue this, you will compromise your voice for a joke a lot of times. Yes, it's different. And I don't feel like I have to get my voice out anymore.

135:59You know, I used to feel like there were certain things that I wanted to say on stage that maybe I couldn't say because I couldn't condense it into a joke form. I don't feel like that anymore. You know, there's a lot of stuff that I have. There's a lot of weird thoughts that I have that I've expressed on the podcast and I've explored, you know, in depth that almost have no payoff as far as humor. You know, like my idea about the whole universe being some complex mathematical problem. Every literal thing that goes on is just a part of some giant fucking algorithm. This is something I've been dwelling on for a long, long time. There's nothing humorous in that. But we've discussed it on the podcast a bunch of times. I totally believe that in parallel states. Yeah. I fucking totally believe in that shit. I believe that do you ever think to yourself like I can't believe I'm still alive no Brian does

136:42because Brian ate onions this morning and his heart almost fucking exploded his onions and heart palpitation Brian has this super hot girl can you tell the story that you were telling me right before you started the show about how lazy you are oh yeah sure tell this this is how ridiculous this motherfucker is first of all this girl is dating ten okay ten solid ten not ten face but a six personality, not ten face, but a five body. She's a fucking ten. She's a ten. LA ten. It's an LA ten. An LA ten. Legit ten. Fucking ten. I don't use LA tens. I use tens. I don't judge anybody in any other way. This is it. Straight up across the board. No doubt. I was just too tired to have sex. What's wrong with that? No, tell me what you did. I went down on her. She had orgasms and I was like, I'm good. Going to bed. Dude, you need to go to a doctor. All right. You need to get some,

137:33get your fucking blood work done find out you need niacin in your diet and my incorporate some squats and do your my wife get off the cigarettes we had sex we had this is my wife would hate that i'm talking about this don't let her know we have a podcast my wife couldn't figure out a fucking computer it's broken i don't and why does it always break when i touch it because you're fucking retarded. And so she says, my whole thing is go oral first and then we'll do Tuesdays. And so we had oral sex and then she said, I said, alright. And she goes, what about just me? Doesn't that ever happen? So often it's just you. Really? Of course. You get ahead all the time? No, no. Just squirt it in there and go to sleep? Yeah, just be like, sorry. Really? Do you do that? You don't. Do you realize how different we are, Joe? I enjoy eating pussy. I've talked about it many times. I do too. I do too.

138:27Even if I'm not horny and they're horny, I'd be like, oh, dude, I'll totally take care of you. You don't get horny once you're eating pussy, though? That's the gayest thing I've just heard in my life. Yeah, it's pretty good. That's like saying, like, yeah, I'll go out and eat with you and I'll just chew it and spit it on the floor. I'm going to fucking swallow it, Brian. I'm going to go Bill Burr on your ass. Don't talk about it on RSS feeds. RSS feeds. I'm not saying that's what I do every time. Last night, I was so fucking tired. I've never done that in my life. I've never been too tired to fuck. I've never done that in my life. I've never been too tired to drink. Well, I woke up and took care of her. But Brian, you were not aroused at all? I was half asleep last night. I seriously was so fucking big. Actually, I take it back. I know why I did it.

139:03On top of being so tired, I was fucking stuffed out of my mind. I made these huge garlic steaks and vegetables and stuff. So it was more just kind of like, you know what? I'm just not feeling it. Your system has just crawled down to a halt, kid. You know where you're supposed to take a nap after you eat a big meal. And she wants her box eaten. And she's a 10? Yeah. Yeah, meanwhile he falls asleep. I mean, I maybe could consider it eating. He's licking it. She goes, uh, uh, uh. He's like, thank God. I could maybe consider that if I had taken an Ambien and had one of those sleepwalking episodes. And my wife's like, you woke up in the middle of the night and ate my pussy. You don't remember that? And I'm like, I must have been the Ambien. But I can't imagine just doing that sober. Do you ever worry that she's going to think that you're not attracted to her if you don't fuck her when you eat her box?

139:46Because normally, I wish we were at my house right now so I could just go grab my trash can. We normally fuck like six times a day. Grab your trash can? Huh? Wait, what are you doing with the trash can? Grab your trash can. Condoms, son. God. Jesus Christ. The national average is six times a month. I know. That's what my normal average is, too. I'm below the average for fucking paraplegics. I'm very lucky because she's one of those girls that you can just touch her in the arms. She goes, oh, shh. You know, like that. And so she's just fucking. Why do I find listening to you fuck talks So distasteful There's something about it I'm like I'm going like this with my mouth She's one of those girls that always grabs your hand When you're just in the middle of conversation And she just puts her hand in her pussy And it's just like juicy Oh one of those girls? Yeah those don't exist in my world Never?

140:36You have a very small test group You're working with Eight people I'm target marking out of Iowa I'm trying to learn how Rice Krispies sell only in this one city. Didn't you say that your show is targeted, like that whole network is targeted towards women? Towards women, yes. What network? He's on the Travel Channel, which, by the way, one of my favorite shows. Two of my favorite shows, Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations. I fucking love that show. Fucking great. It's a great show. And it really recommended some great restaurants to me. Because of that show, I found out about a great seafood place. God, I can't remember the name. In Austin. It would be great if I could pull the name out of my ass. But it was a fantastic seafood place in Austin that I found out about. I found out about places in L.A. I found out about a place in L.A., a Mexican joint that serves goats.

141:21They have giant fucking sides of goat, and they're sawing it with a bandsaw and cooking it all together. They cook like hundreds of pounds of goat every day. It's amazing. I found out about a bunch of great places. And then also that Steve Rinella show, who you said did not get such good ratings. Yeah, maybe it shouldn't be done. It might be done. It didn't do amazing. Are they going to bring it back, you think? I doubt it. Really? I'm speculating. Why the fuck do I know? I know nothing. I know nothing. Good fucking show. It was a good show. But here's the thing is that for a first season show, you kind of got to hit a home run. People get just as excited about new projects as they do successes. But they don't get excited for shows that did pretty good. Also, when you're dealing with a women-based network, man, it's going to be hard to promote a show about hunting.

142:10I think all networks, I mean almost all networks really target women. No, not at all. Not Spike and not Comedy Central. No, 18 to 34 males. 18 to 34 males are worth the money. That's what they always target. Really? Yeah, always. Maybe I got our demographic off, but I could swear. As far as, I mean, obviously you can make a lot of money if you're Oprah. But as far as the people that spend the most, it's 18 to 34-year-old males. That's the 18 to 49 occasionally depending on how far they want to stretch their demographic. I would say we're like 23 to 52 women. I bet Travel and Food Network, and there's a couple of those that all do women. I could see that totally. I love the Food Network. Anthony Bourdain's show is very male-centric, I would think, the way he discusses things and talks about things and drinks a lot. He's a fun fucking show. Yeah, but I think even Adam Richman's show is very – women love it.

143:01But women like – I mean I think women will watch a guy they want to – Connect with? Connect with. Right. So that's what I think was a big fear of my show is that I'm kind of a meathead frat. I'm like a Forrest Gump frat boy. Right. So who wants to watch a guy scream all over the world and jump? They underestimated your charm. Exactly. That's what I said. Bitches need to step. But our show's doing good. And you told me this Adam Richmond guy, this man versus food, he got so fucking fat that he doesn't even do the challenges anymore? I never said that, Joe. Oh, okay. You didn't say that. No, I didn't say that. What I heard on the internet... Fucking Jesus Christ! It wasn't you. I'm sorry, it wasn't you. What I heard on the internet was that this guy got so fucking fat that he doesn't do the challenges anymore. Is that true? No, he's not doing the challenges anymore. What the fuck is that?

143:49That's the whole show, though. I don't think he got fat. I think he just fucked his body up. I think it's just very unhealthy. The reason why I said this is there was a thread about it on my message board. This was a long time ago, before I even talked to anybody about it. And it showed a picture of him from season one. What season is he in now? Season four. Poor fuck. Yeah, but his body just – he does all the cleanses and detoxes and even still was just like, fuck. Well, he's eating 30-pound cheeseburgers and shit. You can't do that show. You can't do that show for six seasons for 20 seasons. So they had to kind of change it I think to make it more of a sustainable show so it could carry on that long. And so now it's called Man vs. Food Nation and they're doing it where he brings in – like they did the Nasty Boys in Tampa where the – I mean, I definitely shouldn't be talking about his show.

144:34Don't talk about his show, bro. But, yeah. Let's talk about Bert the motherfucking Conqueror and tell these bitches when they can watch it. When is it on? Sunday nights at 8 o'clock. Sunday nights at 8 o'clock. I will now set my DVR. Bert is a fucking hero. He's one of my favorite human beings on the planet. That is the nicest converse ever. You're an awesome dude, man. You've got a great laugh. You've got a great personality. Your stories are the shit. Pretty lips. Please tell that fucking Barnes & Noble story on stage. It's going to be a crusher, dude. And you can do that Russian one, too. Bert Kreischer, if you want to follow Bert on Twitter, you can follow him. It is B-E-R-T-K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R. That's a complicated-ass fucking name. You need to change that shit. Yeah, you need to change that. Like, Bert is cool or something. Can you change your handle? Bert is da shit. You can change Bert. Yeah.

145:22I used to be JoeRogan.net. It used to be D-O-T-N-E-T, but it was so long. It was impossible to retweet me. like if I said anything funny like you would have to like chop it all up because there was too many words like if I tried to use like I used to think like the new twitter you can retweet something and it just retweets it in its entirety like it's a separate 140 characters but it used to not be that it used to be that when you retweeted something you had to account for all the characters inside their name yeah you don't have to do that anymore no no you don't have to do anymore on twitter you just hit retweet and it can just take care of it the way it is so I anyway and some dude had Joe Rogan. Wait, what can I change mine to? Just make sure it's something that is memorable. You don't have to do your last name like Burt K. How about Burt Likes to Fuck? Yeah. Or Burt the Machine.

146:06And tell your wife about it just all nonchalantly. Yeah, I changed my Twitter name to Burt Likes to Fuck. What? Burt Likes to Fuck who? I just like it in general. Yeah, I just like it. It's awesome. I'm not saying I don't like it with you. It's the awesomest. It's the greatest thing ever. Your fans are ridiculous on Twitter. Last time I did this show, I got like 3,000 fans. Really? Well, we want you to get 3,000 more today. And anytime I told you, anytime you ever have a show, please let me know and I'll tweet it and we'll pump it up on the podcast. I want one of those so bad. You want a flashlight? I got one for you. Are you serious? Yeah. It's so awkward to buy one. Well, you don't have to buy one. I'll give you a free one. Joe used that one last night. No, I didn't use that one. I haven't used any of the ones that are laying around here.

146:43If you go to JoeRogan.net and click the link, we want to thank, first of all, thank the Fleshlight for being our sponsor. it's a cool company and you know it's embarrassing for a lot of people and now it's become 10 minutes of my act right now I did a joke it's strong I made a joke the other day on stage I don't remember the reference I don't know how it came out but I made a joke about a fleshlight and said I said yeah and then just type in the promo code Rogan and the place went fucking bananas because they were podcast fans but it was in Irvine and I just said just type in the promo Rogan and they fucking went crazy that's hilarious well you said you had a lot of people come up to you in Irvine dude I have more people come up to me from your show than my TV show. Wow. I love it because your comedy fans are like straight up comedy fans. Yeah. They don't fucking heckle. They don't drink too much

147:30and get fucking kicked out. They're just good. Just random. I told you a girl from HGTV listens to this. Yeah. One of the heads of directors of HGTV was like, I heard you on the Rogan podcast. HDTV? HG. I thought you were talking about HD. That makes sense because that's like the Flight Network. And they were like straight up like – I was like, shut up. Oh, that's awesome. Hi to her. Hey. Listen, the best thing about this podcast is that we develop like a real connection with all these people. And it's like what people tell me is it's like they're hanging out with us. You know what I mean? Dude, the best testament to this show, and I swear this on my children, when I'm on the road, I'll put on the podcast and put it on low in the pillow next to me and just feel like I'm listening to friends talk in the other room. And it puts me to sleep and I just go – but a lot of times I had to stop because I would –

148:16Whip your dick out and feel weird. Yeah. I can't do it to a new one because I'll end up listening to the whole fucking thing. Oh, right, right, right. I have to do the old reruns. And it needs to be Ari. Like someone. Someone is your friend. Energy. Like just very like. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And I've listened to the one where you guys. Is that your Ari impression? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. But the one where you guys had the blackout. Yeah. Still, I listened to that a million times because I love listening to. I love that he passes out halfway through. Yeah. He was completely gone. Well, Joey got so tired because he ate a cookie and he smoked joints and he hit the bag. He hit the vaporizer bag, too. He gets so hot. He goes down a downward spiral. Joey's the reason why I found out the difference between Indicas and Sativas. Really? Because I never smoked Indicas.

148:57I really didn't realize that there was so much of a difference until I smoked Joey's weed. Me and Brian and Duncan were hanging out in Houston, Texas. We were in the lobby of the hotel and we were just sitting there slack-jawed and no one was moving. No one was going anywhere. And I was like, what the fuck is wrong with us? And then I think it was Duncan that realized it, right? He goes, I think we just smoked Joey's weed. I'm like, oh, no. What have we done? Because Joey's just like, I just like to get blasted, dog. I don't give a fuck, all right? OG Kush, what do you got there? Third eye, train wreck. Come with it, bitches. Come with it. He'll just, whatever the fuck you got, man. He'll smoke it. But he used to be on, he doesn't do it anymore. Now he likes hybrids, which are good because hybrids give you like that heady thing, but it also relaxes you. It's good for comedy.

149:44Whenever I get the chance to have a regular life, maybe I'll take up weed smoking then, but I can't do it now. I'm fucking all over the place. You could, dude. Look, we're going to get you in an isolation tank. We're going to get you some exercise videos to follow. We are going to rebuild Burt Kreischer. Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our show. If you go to JoeRogan.net, click in the code name ROGAN, you get 15% off. Folks who are interested in coming to see me in Toronto, there's very few tickets left. They're almost out. And the only way you can get them now, Ticketmaster sold out. But if you go to my Twitter, there's a link for the Massey Hall is where I'm playing. And they have tickets available on their website. But that's it. And I can't fucking wait. It's going to be awesome. I can't wait to go there. Thank you, everybody, that came to Portland. Portland was the shit.

150:31One of my new favorite towns. Thanks, everyone. Fucking awesome place. Nicest people ever. Nicest people. Everybody was super cool. And like I said, never been handed more weed ever in my life after shows. I felt bad. I had to take your weed. I can't take this. I have too much. I can't bring it home with me. Philly is all sold out, I believe. We put in a second show Thursday night, and that might be the only thing that there's tickets left. So that's Helium in Philly, which is next weekend. And that's with Joey and Ari. It's the full death squad, bitches. Brian Woodgub. His cow's having her birthday, and he has to eat her box. Wow. Wow. So that's it, folks. and we'll see you Thursday. And Friday is going to be Kevin from Attack of the Show. Really? We've got a special Friday episode. The guy? Kevin Pereira. Pereira. How do you pronounce his last name? Kevin Pereira. I should know this. That guy. He's very cool.

151:25I've known him many times. And I never, I don't figure it out. We'll figure it out. We're going to get to the bottom of this. And that'll be Friday at 3. And somebody else on Thursday. I'm not sure. Maybe Steven is easy if he's home. All right, bitches. You know, I love you. Thank you very much for tuning in. Thank you very much for coming out to all the shows and for everything you do and for being a part of this fucking crazy experience we're all going through together. Burt Kreischer's in the motherfucking house, ladies and gentlemen. Burt Kreischer. Burt Kreischer! Thank you, Burt. Appreciate it, brother. Thank you, Joe. Thank you, Brian. Man, subscribe to Death Squad. Watch my show this Sunday. Yeah, watch Burt Kreischer's show. Please. It's so much than I can.