Joey Diaz, Ari Shaffir

00:00The Joe Rogan Experience Oh Oh Kicking it live. Damn, these mics are hot as fuck. Kicking it live from the Rogan compound with my man Ari Shafir. Ari motherfucking Shafir is in the house, ladies and gentlemen. A-R-S-H-A-F-F-I-R. Follow him on Twitter. Joe Diaz, Mad Flavor, a.k.a. Planet Rock, a.k.a. Joey Karate. He's here as well. Brian Reichel, Brian Redman, R-E-D-B-A-N. Who's singing this? Whose song is it? What's going on now? What happened? It's background music. Did you make that song, Brian? No, it's my laptop. Oh. Yeah, we did. Yeah, a combination between garage band and guitars. Yeah, we haven't been playing music. We're trying to clean it up for satellite radio, which may or may not ever happen. Hopefully it will. Looks like it's happening. Whatever, bitches. Much respect to The Fleshlight, our sponsor, before we even get started, before we get groovy with you, bitches. If you go to JoeRogan.net.

01:29What's that, buddy? There's in the corner. That's one of them. Just looking at you. They're all over the place. There's one over here, too. This house is littered. Mrs. Rogan comes in there the other day and looks at all of them. She goes, is there enough of these? This is what she looks at them. She goes, these? That's how she looks at them. This is like her competition that she has to accept. Little things that live in her house that I fuck. This house is full of baby dolls and male dildos. Yeah, what's up? Yeah, it's filled with child's toys and dick toys. A big fat box of dick toys. If you go to JoeRogan.net and click the link for the flashlight, you go to their website, type in the word Rogan, you get 15% off. So I'm looking out for you bitches, you know what I'm saying? I'm trying to get you some discounts on your masturbation. Holler at me, Joe Diaz. I can't call it, you know what I'm saying?

02:14You got to do what you got to do. If you can save 10 points and whack off at the same time, who's better than you, you know what I'm saying? Fuck it. We had a good goddamn time last weekend in Vegas. Holy shit, was that fun. Yes, we did. Nice. That was a good fucking time. These guys dropped acid. They were up in the stands watching with big fucking smiles on their face. I don't know when I found out that they dropped acid. Did I find out at dinner? I tweeted you during the UFC. Yeah, but I don't get tweets. I mean, text. Texted me. You texted me. Yeah, so that's how I found out. Did I respond to you? No, it was like the last half hour, right? No, you looked. No, that's when he turned up, I thought. He turned up and waved at us. Oh, okay. Then I must have known. You know, we're sitting in the drawer. Ari came over one day, and we're talking about something.

02:58All of a sudden, I go, it's going to be great this weekend. And as I'm talking to him, I open up the drawer, and I go, Ari, look. And there were seven hits of acid. Ari, what if we drop the acid? And he's like, oh, I don't know. And I go, every time somebody gets hit, we'll feel it. Yeah. That was the original fucking plan at first. So then we were like, well, what do you think about Red Band? Well, we don't know. And then we're saying, we should fucking dose him. Maybe we've got to put on some popcorn. Just take him for the ride. And we said, nah, because I know it's hard. He'll have 911. Fuck it. That's rude. He's my little brother. Acid's a little different. You don't want to dose somebody with acid. No, you don't want to dose somebody with acid. I've made a decision just not to do it anymore in my life. Because I've gotten to a point where my brain, I just want to keep my brain a little bit together now.

03:38A little bit together. Stay stable. Let me tell you something about this stuff. This stuff is very mild. That was kid stuff. That was kid stuff. That was kid stuff. Yeah, well, if you took two hits and you were still being able to sit there, then it had to be shaking. Yeah, very mild. Very mild. It came in spurts and bursts. It was very nice. Up, down, up, down. The lights fucked with you. What's his name? Voice fucked with you from time to time. It was buffer. Buffer. He really vibrated you. It vibrated you. And that video before the UFC starts. Oh, that was powerful. There was a part where Ari looked over and goes, this is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. The best was that. It was. It was. I was doing a good job on that thing. What was it? I was missing in the bathroom. The UFC video when it first starts where it's like. They sent it to the Who, American Teenage Wasteland.

04:26Bob O'Reilly singing the song, yeah. And, yeah, they sent all the beats, all the punches to the drum hits. Yeah. You realize how brilliant something is sometimes when you're high. What is it about that? Why do you have to get high to realize that? I don't know. It seems silly. When you're sitting there and you're straight at a UFC and it starts, And we went on some Zufa and all that shit. You'd feel it. When we did the acid, it was a different fucking level. We felt everything. Isn't it funny how you go to movies, and if you go to the movies, and you're on acid or on pot or anything, you could see bad acting? Yeah. That's why we watched Domino that night. That's why we sat there and watched Domino with fucking Mickey Rourke and Tara Nightling. And it was interesting. It was interesting. It was from a different angle you're watching acting. So I'm sorry. I interrupted you. What were you saying?

05:15You were saying you guys are there, you're on acid, and then Bob O'Reilly starts playing. If you've never seen it, never been to a live UFC, it's really brilliant. Whoever edited it, it's like some of the highlights of some of the greatest fights ever, and it's all put together to the who. It's one of the greatest videos humans have ever seen. It's the perfect volume to rip you apart. You can hear it, but it doesn't really bother you. Dana and I were watching that the other day, and I go, dude, I think I've seen this a fucking thousand times and I still love it. I never stop watching it. Love it. If you're there live 10 minutes before the UFC actually starts, you have to be in your seat. You have to be in the room. It's so good too. Whoever did it, you can tell that guy loves fights. He nailed it. The perfect beats to the perfect fucking punches and kicks. It gets you pumped up. Fuck yeah, it does.

06:04Dude, I'm telling you, it never wears out. I've seen it hundreds of times. I don't know how many times I've seen it. I've seen it. I mean, every UFC start, I've done at least 100 UFCs. And you're there. You're not gone getting food when that's happening. Yeah, because between spikes, between spike nights and regular UFCs, I think I've done over 100. So I've been over 1,000 fights. Well, here's the best. When you're there and you're tripping. Like I said, when you're there as a civilian, and all of a sudden it just goes from Bob O'Reilly and it locks down. And all of a sudden you hear, and all of a sudden you just see a picture of Anderson Silva saying, when I go in that thing tonight, I'm going to knock his fucking mouth off. Now, think about it on the acid. And now his head just came out. And I think it was Vito's head that came out first. And it was just a fucking head walking along the streets.

06:50I thought it was fucking Marlon Brando in Superman. Remember when he had the fucking heads around him? It was like, that's what he said. You're going down to New York City, cocksucker. And they were judging him, and it was just heads. Well, that's the brilliance about it. That at one point in the UFC as a civilian, it just gets very dark. And all of a sudden, it's just the perfect timing. Austin, you see your head pop out and go, tonight I'm going to take them, pound them, submission. You're like, whoo! The crowd goes nuts. Yeah, you just go nuts. And they keep showing little tidbits. Then they show to Vidor. Then they went to John Jones. Then they went to Jake Ellensburg. It was just so well done. Every time they show a new fighter, the crowd explodes again. And when you watch another sporting event now, it's so below that par. I went to a Laker game last year against Wade Wade's team.

07:41Miami Heat. It was a fucking great game. But there was a lot of lows in it. There's a lot of lows in it. At the UFC, even when Bruce Buffett says, do what you got to do. Go for 22 fucking minutes. You have a blast. You go get a hot dog. We argue. Go get a fucking thing. We argue. Go now. Are we up before the fucking game starts? That's huge that they tell you. Yeah, that's courtesy. And what that is, folks, for the folks that don't know, sometimes we have a certain amount of prelim cards, but then the main card starts at, say, like, 7 p.m. And if the main card starts at 7 p.m., we have to have, if the prelims are all done, sometimes you've got 20 minutes before the fights are supposed to start. So we don't start fights early. We have to wait until pay-per-view starts. Sometimes you get, like, five first-round knockouts in the early fights. Yeah, and they're just like, ooh. Yeah, and then we run out quick.

08:29And it was weird because this particular UFC started off, I think, with Gabe Rudiger and whoever he fought. And Paul Taylor. He got beat up fast. And then Kingsley came out against Romero. and hit him with violent gladiator fucking knees to the body. And like fucking bam, you can feel the thrust. Kyle Kingsbury is a bad motherfucker. And again, as a civilian, you can feel the fucking kidney strikes. I can't have the acid. I remember finding myself like this. And also I looked around and I dressed myself. What's going on? Check yourself before you wreck yourself. Plus, you're watching Kingsbury even when you're not high. That dude's a specimen. Oh, my God. Specimen. Go shredded. He's got like a fucking solid 12-pack. He's got a 12-pack on his back. He's one of those dudes. Like, you look at his back, there's all these crazy striations in there. He was a super athlete. He was a linebacker.

09:21Those fucking football players, man, they're on another level. It's another level of athleticism. And Kingsbury smashed that dude. He's one of those guys, every time you see him, it's like he's been training for three years. You know, he makes these leaps in a couple of months. Oh, really? Yeah. All those super athletes, man, the John Jones dudes, those guys, They make these giant leaps, you know. There's some dudes that just get so good so quick. You know, when you watch, like, Jon Jones, the first fight that he had, you know, or even the fight with Stefan Bonner, yeah, he looked promising, you know. But Bonner made it to the distance, you know. I mean, he beat Bonner up and everything like that and did some wild stuff. But, you know, people are like, wow, this kid's wild. He's unorthodox. But then you see him now and you go, fuck, man. This kid is on another level. Dude, another.

10:05The way he handled Brennan Vera. And, you know, I mean, his last fight just proved it. Brian Bader's a fucking stud. And he just manhandled that kid. He was on top of him. Every time there was an exchange, he was on top, controlling the position. He was never remotely threatened. And squeezing. Yeah, that kid's a beast, man. Brian Bader is a fucking gorilla. Dude, you just stand next to that guy. He's one of the biggest 205ers out there. And the fact that Jon Jones was able to handle him like that. There was like a half second where there was like a scrum. Like he tried to flip and didn't get him all the way over. and then Jon Jones got out of that and it was done. It was done. And Jon Jones has two brothers and both of them are fucking football player bad motherfuckers. Yeah, his whole family's got like super genes, you know?

10:45When I was standing there that night, he had two brothers that are bigger than him. I guess he has a baby brother or whatever. In the 1975 NBA playoffs, one of those years, Darryl Dawkins, remember Darryl Dawkins? He was 6'11". He used to smash the backboards. Right. He was 6'11", 290. I remember that. And he got into a brawl with Maurice Lucas and all of a sudden they showed his family coming down from the stands. And he had two brothers and a sister bigger than him. Oh, my God. And they were from fucking Florida. You know, you were those motherfuckers. Oh, my God. They were just throwing security in Portland. They were all nice white people up there in Portland. These four fucking fucking people were just throwing them. Just throwing them, dog. Huge. Six foot 11. 11. Jesus Christ. They were smashing fiberglass. Yeah. Yeah. Unheard of before. I remember. You know what I'm saying?

11:30They would hang on them, just crush them. They were glass, weren't they? They were breaking them. Super reinforced. Yeah. That guy was fresh out of the jungles of fucking... What did they do back then? What? When the glass breaks? Do they stop the game? Stop the game. They just roll it out and they roll another one. They get another one. Get the fuck out of practice. You get fined. You get fined? How much did you get fined? I don't know. Maybe 10 grand or something like that. That's so worth it, though. Which is just worth it. That's how we know about it. You're a high life film. Luckily, they don't all do that. That would be so douchey if they all did it. It's kind of a douche move. It's like there's a way you can do it by accident. would just smash through it and he wouldn't be able to help. There's something you can really try to break it. Does Shaq smack him occasionally? Yeah, but not on purpose.

12:09He just fucking... Brian, what's that crazy noise? Dick is so hard down. I'm looking into it. Oh, okay. He hasn't done it in a while, though. When he was first couple years, he used to do it. He's so big, dude. I met him a couple of times when I first met him at the UFC. He did an episode of Fear Factor with me and he did the countdown. Three, two, one, go. Standing next to me, dude, it looked like... It didn't even look like... I mean, it looked like we were two totally different things. We met him in Boston. We ran into him at the hotel. Oh, yeah, that's true. He's giant. He's so big, man. He's so big, it's ridiculous. I feel like a little child, you know? Well, this dude, Darryl Dawkins, played for the Sixers, and he got traded to the Nets. And when he moved to New Jersey, he got hooked on fucking powder. Did he really? So the kid that would sell him the powder was the sneaker kid.

12:52He was the ball kid on the Nets at that time. And this kid ran a tremendous scam because the players on contract, They take, after every game, they put on new sneakers and they throw them away. Really? This kid would take every sneaker and take it into the city and sell it. But one of his jobs as a ball boy was to get Darryl Dawkins powder. That was it, Brian. Whatever you did. And we all met. And I remember one night he took us to Darryl Dawkins' house. Darryl Dawkins showed me a fucking Rolls Royce with a 14-month-fucking-carat dashboard. No way. A gold dashboard? A gold dashboard? Bro, his dog was so good. His daughter was financially responsible. You have no fucking idea in those days. Wow. His wife died later on. He came back before. A couple years there. I went over to his house like three times. He lived in Seacaucus, New Jersey. Big pimping with the motherfucking 14-carat dashboard and shit. Wow.

13:43That's ridiculous. That is ridiculous, Doug. You got to love it, though. What is it about black people and shiny things? I don't know. They don't give a fuck, though. They'll live in a tent to have a fucking Rolls Royce with a 14. Their kids will starve. As much as rock stars like to rock it and like to look badass, they don't go that deep. They don't go diamonds. I heard a theory on that. It's that black people, rappers and stuff, they're just doing what they thought was rich when they were little. So it's always them holding a bowl of sugar cereal and cars and hot booty women. Yeah, but it's like, oh, this looks like rich stuff. Rasheed Wallace got a urinal installed in his house. Nothing wrong with that. That's probably a good move. Especially one of those splashless. Splashless urinals. Save water. Save water. They have like a little disc, a little UFO you piss on. Somehow or another, it goes somewhere.

14:31You don't have to rinse it with water. Yeah, it's like the latest eco thing. But it's been rejected by plumbers. Plumbers don't like it because it cuts back on the maintenance, so they try to say it's unsanitary. But in actuality, the other ones are more unsanitary. How weird is that? Yeah. There's been studies, Joe Diaz, studies on piss. Let's talk about urine. Let me tell you something. When I was a kid in the first house, I moved into North Bergen, a nice big one. we had a fucking bidet. Did you really? Yeah. Back in the show. When I was about eight or nine or ten I used to go over there take a shit in my mother's bathroom and turn the bidet and it hit you in the fucking face. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. But then you put your little muffler on that bidet you get that little hot water going. That was the first time I ever had that little crinky in your little muffler but then you blast it hard.

15:15Ooh, your asshole's spotless. You could feel it shiny. I was about ten. That's when my asshole used to shine. You know what I'm saying? I used my bidet for carrying magazines. You don't use it, though? You never wash? You have one? Yeah, I got one. I would use that shit every day. It's so much better than wetting toilet paper. Oh, I know. It just seems so bizarre. I am so sick of sticking toilet paper. Seems un-American. Seems like you're getting into the French. What am I doing here? Not supporting my own. What am I doing here? What, a roll of goddamn toilet paper is not enough for you, Rogan? No. I feel like I'm not supporting my own. No, I don't mind using toilet paper. Some French bullshit. The bidet is nice to wash your ass in the middle of the day. Wash your ass. It seems like a lot of a commitment. When you wipe your butt, it's like, well, yeah, I know it's still stinky and gross, but...

15:56I don't mind wiping my butt. It's not that much of a commitment. It's a day that I had some fucking soap in that motherfucker. Well, I use baby wipes. Have you ever been about to fuck? I wipe my butt. What? Have you ever been about to fuck and realize my ass...