Chris Aubrey Marcus (Part 1)

00:01Brian, this doesn't have a connection. Did you plug it in? Yeah. Okay. Not yet, hold on. Hold on, we have a web problem. Some Wi-Fi. Your Wi-Fi is jacked. people are asking why do you guys have an opening song and then after the opening song then you play more music like what kind of shit is that and you're right it's fucking ridiculous this whole show's ridiculous i can't believe anybody's even listening at this point this is the most ghetto podcast on the internet the most fun to do though and this is uh some mashup Brian who's the mashup I believe it's party bin it might be girl talk I don't know you know what man I used to not be a big fan of podcasts until I heard this voodoo child jay-z mix and I was like god damn okay you did something there you know like a lot of times I'll like listen to podcasts or to a mashup rather and I'm like this isn't that interesting it's kind of

01:20but every now and then they just fucking make something super cool just kill it yeah it's like shit that you shouldn't think would go together, like chicken and waffles. Bam! Yeah, yeah. You know? There was a Jay-Z, Linkin Park mashup that was just dirty. Yeah, didn't they do like a whole album to that? Yeah, they did. They did. Yeah, I love when shit like that happens. I love when artists get together like that and create something fucking nutty. We were talking about this before the podcast, and it's, you know, total retard hippie talk, but what the fuck is music, and what does it do? How does it just get in you, man? Either way, we're talking to. Yeah, oh, I was going to introduce him eventually. This is my friend Chris. What's going on? Chris is a writer. He writes for the blog, what is it, warriorpoet.us? Dot US. Dot US. And what is a dot US, man?

02:08I'm looking to take over the world eventually, but I'm starting with the US. Dot com is currently unavailable. Yeah, I couldn't get joerogin.com. The dude who owns it, he's a nice guy. He's a real estate guy. But he goes, just occurred to me, the more famous you get, the more this is worth. I was like, oh, all right, dick. I'm like, I'm not buying this for you now. You had some Twitter dude who was holding down your... Yeah, but I got it back from Twitter. Twitter gave it up. But this dude, his name's Joe Rogan, and he's older than me, so respect to him. It's got to go to him more than it is to me. I was willing to buy it, but after he said that, I was like, get out of here. The more famous you get, the more this is worth. Oh, come on, man. What are you, 12? Just tell me what you want. Can we talk through this? The more famous you get, I can hold on to it. This is a good investment.

02:51Except you have to be able to buy it for it to be valuable. It doesn't matter. You can find me now. It's Google, JoeRogan.net. It's probably good. It probably filters out a bunch of idiots. Because if you can't type .net instead of .com, if you give up, I quit. I couldn't find it. Good. I don't want you finding it. People who put the .com in the Google search bar instead of the URL, too. Yeah. I'm sure Brian knows about that. I do that all the time. Do you? Yeah. What happens when you do that? You porn shows up and they have to masturbate using a flashlight. Is that really what happens? Yeah. Porn shows up if you put a .com? Every time I put anything, I'm fucking directly into porn. I think that's called a virus. Yeah, dude. You've got to get your shit cleaned out, son. Are you serious? I just need to clear my cache because seriously, everything that comes up on my toolbar, it just...

03:38Have you just been beating it furiously lately? Brian, if you don't know, ladies and gentlemen, Brian had a very lust-filled, short-term relationship filled with passion and a loss of fluids. and then as quickly as the storm came into town, the storm left. And I have kids now. I have a dog now. He's got a kid from the relationship. Just something to remember about. Here's lesson number one, children, anyone under 30 that I'm talking to right now. Listen to me. Do not get a dog with a chick, okay? Never, ever. Don't do it. Unless you guys have kids, don't get a dog. And if you do do it, go to it. Don't get nutty. And if you do do it, go right to the pet store. Fuck what they say. Just go against all the rules. No. Get one of those dogs. Don't go to the pet store. Don't support puppy mills, man. Hope those pet stores go under. Go to the fucking pound or go to a good breeder. I got one of my dogs from a breeder, man.

04:26There's nothing wrong with breeders. People talk shit about breeders, but if a guy's a passionate breeder and really breeds dogs because he wants a good breed, my dog is awesome, dude. And one of the reasons why he's awesome is because his dad was awesome. His dad was one of the security dogs on Fear Factor. We had him bite people in these big, crazy bite suits. And his dog was so cool. He was just chill, hanging out with everybody, not douchey to the other dogs. He was just the sweetest dog. Come over to you. Hey, man, what's going on? Meanwhile, he's just a giant mastiff. And I'm like, what a great dog. He's so friendly. Makes such a difference. Genuinely affectionate. Come up and rub against you. Love it when you rub his head. I'm like, how crazy is this dog? He's got this perfect personality. Well, this guy won't let his douchebags breed. Anytime he goes, I love them. I take care of them.

05:10But no breeding for you, you fuck. And he takes them. And he takes all the douchebags out. So he's done this for like 20 generations. So his dogs are like the coolest dogs. Like I come over his house. He's got these big fucking mastiffs. It's like the chicks like a buck 30 and the males like a buck 50. And they come up to you like, okay, these are lions. These are these small lions that I'm just assuming you have control over. You know, I'm walking in your house and I'm trusting my balls and my legs. I'm trusting all my soft tissue to these monsters that you have under your control. The dogs couldn't have been more chill. Just like, hey, how you doing? Come on. Not like checking you out. Like, what's up, bitch? what the fuck are you doing around here? Not sniffing you all aggro. Some of them will disrespect you with a sniff. That's like letting you know, bitch, I'm just going to sniff your dick right now.

05:54Just get it on your dick. They're going aggro on you, man. They're pulling some alpha male shit. You got to step in and stop them from doing that. These dogs were nothing like that, man. These dogs were so cool. They just had this air about them like, hi, come on in. Meanwhile, they would do bite work. He would have these dudes in a suit and they would hold them back and they'd let the dog loose. and it was like a meat cannon. Like you shot a side of beef at this dude's arm. The thing would just latch out of the guy and bring him down. I'm like, what a crazy thing you've engineered. This dog that will respond to your every command is super intelligent and is gigantic. And can mimic the primal attack mode and then shut it off. And shut it right off and be super friendly. Do physically exactly what he's designed to do, kill and then stop. Dude, that impressed. That was the most impressive thing to me

06:41when we were on Fear Factor is what people have done with dog breeding and dog training, like dogs that really know their shit. They're impressive, man. That's impressive. They have it locked down. They're giving them treats, and they're setting them up, and they're giving them their affection, and they're giving them their recognition for what they've done. These dogs will do anything. They'll do whatever the fuck you say. That's pretty nuts that we figured out a way to do that. I always think it's kind of funny that people will, you know, I totally love and respect people rescuing animals. I think that's a beautiful thing that people do. And then, you know, there's the other people who will buy, like, a budget animal, which is definitely coming from a bad place if you're buying a dog for $100. Sometimes people just fall in love, too. Sometimes people see a dog and they just go, I've got to get that dog.

07:22They expect great results. It's like there's a place where they had $25 tattoos. You're going to have this for a long time. Make a good investment. Some people just say, it's a dog. What could be wrong with it? I've had a bunch of dogs. I had this bulldog. He's had to have a bunch of operations. Brian, you just killed my mom. Sorry. He's got hip dysplasia, so he had to have to get both his arms operated. And it was like six grand, man. It's like serious money. So it was like $18,000, I think, for both of his arms. He had to have one operation, and then he had to have one a while later. And then they were talking about replacing his back hips. And I'm like, listen, this dog's lazy as fuck. You don't have to do that. That's people's stuff. This dog just likes to chill. Yeah, he walks around with a bit of a limp, but he seems happy. He might be in a little pain, but most of the time he's just chilling.

08:09He's not a running dog. He's a bulldog. He's just going to relax. Like, yeah, he's fucked up. You don't have to give him metal hips, all right? Just let him be fucked up. But that's a dog that was given to me. If that was a situation, if it wasn't, I would have never wanted to get a dog like that. I would look for dogs that have a genetic propensity for hip dysplasia and stuff like that. And you got to think, man. It's wonderful to love a dog and take care of him, but you're adopting a giant bag of fucking problems with some animals. If you get them from a good breeder, you know what the fuck you're getting. Yeah, we bought a big Savannah cat. It's going to be almost a 30-pound cat. That's insane. You told me about that. That's insane. And you feed this thing like chicken wings and shit? Yeah, chicken bones. And it just growls? And it just hunts it. It just hunts it.

08:52It sits there, and it'll stalk it, and then it'll just pounce, and then it'll grab it in its mouth and throw it up in the air and paw it before it gets down to the ground. Wow. Just savage, yeah. But do you trust it with you? Does it ever get dicky with you? Totally, no. I mean, because I've definitely alpha-mailed it, too, though. Is it terrible for furniture? Yeah. Does it destroy things? No, he doesn't have that crazy cat instinct where he's going to rip stuff up. Do you have posts for him or something? We do have some posts. And does he use those? He does. So he doesn't defy you? No, he doesn't. I got this little motherfucker. And he loves it, though. This little motherfucker. I got this little cat named Oliver. And he's a rag doll. And he's a sweet cat. He's super friendly. Super sweet. Loves coming up. But if you tell him to get the fuck out of here, he's going to keep coming back. Right.

09:32It's like, you know, he's going to prove a point. Right. Like, he'll come into this. My library has a carpet in it. and I don't like him licking his asshole on my white carpet. So I'm like, get the fuck out of here licking your asshole. Go, come on. Dingleberries are worse than them licking their asshole. Well, whatever. I'd rather just take care of that right away. He's trimmed. I trimmed him. We trim him for the summer because he's a fluffy cat, and it gets hot as fuck out here. Right. So anyway, so he's licking his asshole on this white carpet. I'm like, get the fuck out of here, dude. Come on. You got to go. I'm being nice about it. I pick him up. I take him out. Thank you. Bye. I go back in. I'm rearranging my shit. I turn back in. He's licking his asshole again. Same spot. It's like, what, you can't lick your asshole over there. He wanted to walk back to the exact, no, this is where I want to be.

10:14Like, this, no, I am the one who decides where I want to be. I want to be right here. I picked him up. I put him out of that room four fucking times before I finally shut the door. I had to shut the door. I had to give up. Yeah. Little cocksucker. He tests me. But he's a little tiny cat, you know. If it was like a big, a serval, that's what they're called? Yeah, well, it's bred from servals. So they call them savannas when they get, you know, one generation removed from that. So it's a serval mix with a domestic cat? Serval mix with a domestic. But the breeder I got them from, they've been doing it so long, it's mostly savannah to savannah mating. What exactly is a serval? It's this wild-looking mini cheetah with really long legs. It's a wild animal. Fully wild, yeah. So they don't train those at all? No. Those are just gone. I mean, they live.

10:55I mean, there's pictures from the breeder, the servals with the children and stuff like that. They hang out all right. There was a Fear Factor show that we did once, and it was in this really rural area, really rural. These people were living out where there was no one out there. One woman had a dog that got fucked by a coyote. It was half coyote, half dog puppies. It was a trip, dude. It was a trip. They were all huddled together because it was freezing cold. A bunch of the cast or the crew rather took them home as pets because everybody was so heartbroken because it was really cold outside. We were filming in the winter. and we're up in this really high altitude area. It's cold as fuck. And there's these puppies all huddled up together, like shaking, and they're half coyote, man. It was crazy. That's wild. Some dog got fucked by some murderous beast from the woods. When a dog gets fucked by a coyote,

11:49that's got to be some trippy shit. It's got to be a gnarly coyote, too. What's crazy about those hyenas that people use as dogs? I wonder if a dog fucks a coyote, if a coyote fucks a dog, because that's what it is usually, probably. I bet it's not dogs fucking coyotes. I don't know. One of those big... I bet it's a male. Big Mastiffs could fucking take... You think so? No, I think you'd kill it. I think you'd kill it. Yeah, I think they'd have a war. They would go to... They wouldn't... But a male gets to fuck a dog. Yeah. The males can fuck the dogs. Right. That's so creepy, man. Yeah. That's like... I wonder if the dogs can go back to regular dogs after that. If they just get used to getting coyote fucked. Yeah. Have you ever seen a coyote's mouth when they open their jaws? Dude, there's like rows of teeth like a crocodile. That shit goes back. The first time I saw a coyote yawn, I was like, whoa, hold on.

12:34You start thinking they're dogs, and then you see a coyote yawn. You're like, you've got like 20 extra teeth, you fuck. Those are scary, creepy fucking murderers sneaking in and fucking your dog. There's a dude that runs down Lake in Austin, which is a big jogging trail. He has three wolves, full wolves, and he just pretends that they're not wolves. They're beautiful creatures, but that's a little iffy. yeah I have a friend who has one he has one and the fucking thing got out and killed a gang of goats killed like got out of his he has like a ranch and it got from his ranch and went into the neighbor's ranch and just started jacking their animals just fucking up everything a little too much he had a blood orgy just went over there he found a pen that was filled with goats so he jumped into this pen and started just tearing these goats apart and he was big 160 170 pounds just ripping them apart and I'm like bro

13:29you don't have control of this fucking thing man like you gotta be careful so what does he do he moves to Hollywood brings his wolf three of them he's got three of them this douchebag living in the fucking Hollywood Hills this thing's out killing deer and shit I heard wolves aren't even good for home invasion either like if you come in the home they're not territorially protected because they have those wide ranges not like other dogs so a burglar murderer can come in your home and do whatever but if it threatens you apparently then the wolf will it'll protect you it'll protect you yeah yeah you're his buddy right but you're not his dad yeah okay yeah that's the difference you're his buddy it's like you know if your roommate is getting attacked you're gonna jump in right that's not like if your son was getting attacked okay you know or you know if your father was getting attacked rather and that's how dogs are dogs look

14:17at you like you're a dad with a wolf you're just like what's up man he's got fucking with you the wolf like yo yo yo get that shit out of here but the wolf is not like you can't come over the The wolf's not like, who the fuck are you? Let me check you out and make sure you're okay. The wolf's like, bitch, I know you're okay. What are you going to do to me, stupid? That's how the wolf looks at you. Give me that steak. I'm hungry. The wolf's not threatened by you. He's like, oh, are you being nice? Okay, good. Whatever. I have teeth. Look at these teeth. I'll fucking kill you, dude. They're not worried about you. Look at my smile. Yeah, they don't just listen to you. It's a totally different situation. It's like, for the most part, you're probably going to be okay, and they're not going to kill anybody. But wolves have killed people. Wolves killed people. A woman got attacked by wolves recently.

14:57I think it was in Alaska. I'm not sure where it was. But a woman got attacked and killed by wolves. It's very rare. The last time it happened was like the 1950s or some shit. But so what? So it happened. If there's only one monster, a fucking goblin, ate some old lady's head once in 1812, that would be the most haunted woods for the history of time. You'd be like, that thing's real and it's out there? Well, wolves are for fucking sure real. They howl. You can see them. You can watch documentaries on them. If you go through Wyoming, you're going to see them. You know what I'm saying? Or was it Wyoming? Where are wolves? At Wyoming, I'm out of them. Are they? North Dakota. For sure, like Yellowstone, right? Those are real animals, man. And they'll jack you. Yeah. And they're smart. People forget the mythical basis for that. I mean, wolves were real enemies.

15:40I mean, the expression, keep the wolves in the hills and our women in our beds was real. They were babies, man. You were toasting to that daily back in the days. Yeah, what happened? Did they just wise up to our whole gun situation and just back off with all that aggression shit? I think they got trappers just, you know. Decimated the population. Is that what it is? And then the population is so small, now they don't feel the strength to fuck with people. Right. Yeah. And they're hanging out. They will fuck up your crops or your cattle, though. Yeah. If you have cows or if you have any animals, they will fuck them up, man. Them and mountain lions. Mm-hmm. No, man. I was a kid once, and I was reading this comic book, and I used to read a lot of Creepy and Eerie. Do you remember those comic books? Do you remember those at all? Mm-mm. Creepy and Eerie were these really cool comic books

16:26that were black and white, really cool illustrations. It was all monster stories. One of them was about this werewolf that was sneaking into these people that had sheep. They were living in the Old West or some shit, and they had sheep. The werewolf would sneak into their pen and kill all the sheep. Then the guy goes out there, and he gets attacked by this werewolf. I'm like, wow, how crazy would that be if a werewolf was out there sneaking into people's pens and killing all their animals? Then I thought about it. I'm like, there's Cheetah. Cheetahs do do that. Mountain lions do do that all the time. They got a real – if you live anywhere near Mountain Lion and you have animals in your yard, you got to – that's game. They're going to just hop over that fence and kill them and drag them in the woods. Why is a wolf man any scarier than that? I don't know. Maybe because it can have sex with you. A wolf man?

17:12It does in all the Twilight movies. That's for sure. Oh, yeah. Is that what they do? Are those guys technically werewolves though? You know? I don't know. Because they just become wolves. Metro wolves? You know what I'm saying? then they don't become a werewolf. They become a wolf. That's kind of gay. That is. You know what I'm saying? If you're going to take the time to morph, be something cool and new. Be some American werewolf in London type hybrid shit. Don't just be a dog. Teen Wolf killed that whole thing. After Teen Wolf to me, oh, it's a werewolf guy. Teen Wolf killed him for you? It's like fucking Michael J. Fox is not scary. Did Twilight kill it for you for vampires? No, vampires were already killed for me a long time ago. Dude, if you think vampires are killed, Go watch Gary Oldman do Dracula. Yeah, that's what I'm saying, though. But then also watch the million other TV shows and fucking knockoffs.

17:58Totally. But if Gary Oldman came out today with a new Dracula, he could rock that shit, and you'd be believing in vampires again. But not Wolfman, not too much. Wolfman's done. I think he's done. I think that last one with Benicio Del Toro, that killed it for me. I'm a Wolfman fan, bro, and I couldn't do it. We've talked about this too many times on the podcast. I have Wolfman fetishes. I have some crazy fucking werewolf thing, man. I don't know what it is. ever since I was a little kid, loved werewolf movies. Just like the idea. You showed some sketches. You were drawing werewolves. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. When I was a little kid, even before high school, a lot of them are from when I was 12 and 13. I'm fucked up. They tap into something primal than Joe Rogan. There's some fucking part of me. That's why I moved to the woods, man. There's some part of me that wants to be out with animals.

18:43Has anybody seen Joe Rogan on a full moon? Right? Why is he tweeting at 6 a.m.? It's because I can't live in the jungle. If I could live in the jungle, I'd live in the jungle. But there's no jungle in America, so I choose the woods. It's like I really would like to be just living around animals and shit. Well, it's got to represent some primal part of all of us. Yeah, there's some energy, I think. This sounds so hippie, faggy bullshit. Yeah, bro. It's so true, man. There's certain energy you get when you're around these animals. It's so right. One of the people that I lived near up there was this crazy yoga lady. Very nice lady, but crazy yoga lady. And I was talking to her about mountain lions. I'm like, listen, how do you guys deal with the fact there's mountain lions? Because there's a fucking corner store up there that had a sign that if you get attacked by a bear, you should play dead.

19:34And if you're attacked by a mountain lion, you should fight back. I'm like, what the fuck? You have strategies to deal with different monsters jacking you. You're going to play dead while a bear is biting the fuck out of you. Really? That's tough. You're really going to do that? Are you going to be able to do that? Holy shit. So I said, how do you deal with this? How do you deal with the fact that you're around these beasts? She goes, I just let them all in. When I walk through the woods, I let them know that I'm here among you. I'm no threat. I love. I love you, and I love them, and I just walk through. And I've never had a problem. Like, bitch, you've been so lucky. You zigged when you could have zagged, and you could have walked right on to a mother cougar, protected her young. You could have fucked up and walked into a fucking grizzly bear.

20:21And it could have been with its cubs and freaked out and decided to eat your face. You got lucky. You see all those documentaries. The people who hang out with these predators long enough. Why do people think that they are better than deer? Why do you think that if there's love in nature, why does, is it really all love? Why does nature let this murderous cougar snap this deer's fucking neck and suck the blood out? and then eat its guts first. Because that's what they do. They go guts first because they don't eat grass. They get their vegetation by eating the guts of the things they kill. But it wouldn't happen to you. Why would it happen to the deer and not to you? Does you really think the universe gives a fuck? If you're around a predator and it wants to eat and it looks at you and says, I think I ate one of these back in the 90s, I'll try it again. It was good. Yeah.

21:11I only get a hiker once every 10 years. But fuck it. they got that muesli in their system yeah dude they'll jack you especially when they get used to it there's an area I talked about it in my act an area in India called the Sundarbans and they have a real problem with tigers there because the tigers have gotten used to eating people the tsunamis or the typhoons rather they wash a lot of bodies into the river a lot of people drown these are fucking villagers man these people are really poor they're living in like shacks on the river in India and the tigers eat the bodies that drown. And so they get a taste of human flesh and they just start jacking people. Just jacking people. Ghost in the darkness. You can't go anywhere. Bro, there's videos on YouTube and look this up, folks. If you're at home or when you get home, you gotta check out Sundarban's Tigers because there's a bunch of cool documentaries online

22:03and one of them, these poor fucks, these guys are census takers so they have to find out how many of these murderous monsters are out there in the tall grass. In the fucking tall grass. Out on a boat. So what did this guy, This guy has a rifle and he's got a helmet on, okay? And the helmet has a mask on the back of the head because tigers like to sneak up behind you and jack you. They don't want you to see them coming. They just want to jack you. So these guys are wearing helmets to protect themselves from getting jacked by monsters. And they have a mask with a fucking face on the back of the head. Well, the tigers figured it out after a while that it was just a face. So they started jacking guys from the back anyway, even though they have these face on. A bunch of dudes in the census takers get killed by tigers with fucking masks on. So now they're fucked. These things can swim, so they have to make sure

22:49that their boat has an engine so they can swim faster than the tiger can. They can run 50 miles an hour, and they've killed 300,000 people in the last 200 years. That's insane. You'd think that someone would take up the challenge and be like, all right, tigers, we're smarter. Let's fucking do this. Dude, people are like, hey, they're a part of nature. They're a part of nature. In some regards, they're right. I mean, what makes us that much better? Because we have the guns. This is ridiculous. We don't need them around. It's so stupid. Kill them all. What are you, crazy? The people in India should be like, we are worried about the extinction of the tigers. You should be worried. You should be worried about your fucking, your murderous master that lives in the jungle. Yeah, you got to keep it alive. It's your god. Are you crazy? Are you fucking that attached to these animals that want to kill people?

23:35Just gun them down, man. Gun them down. Or put human masks on the back of the tigers and really confuse everything. Yeah, that's what you're going to do, Brian. You're going to find the tiger and put a mask on it. You fuck. A human mask. How dare you? Just fuck it up. Did you try to trick the tiger? Is that what you're saying? That's what I'm saying. It would confuse everything. There'd be people with tiger masks on the back of their heads and tigers with human masks. If you could transfer human consciousness into anything, if you could transfer human consciousness into like an animal just to see what it would be like, how dope would it be? to be able to download your fucking brain into a tiger's body. And just be moving that shit around. And running up a tree and shit. For sure. How fucking insane would that be, man? If you could just control the body of a tiger with your human mind. And fuck other tigers.

24:29Oh, shit, tiger sex! God damn, how crazy would that be? It would totally feel right. Oh my God, it would feel perfect. And even when she freaks out, and you're like, bitch, I got this. It'll allow her to intimidate you. Even though it's a tiger and you've got your dick inside of her, you have no fear. You have full control of this thing. Just blast for 20 seconds. Just shoot loads into her. Just shoot tiger loads into her. That would be insane, man. I would think, though, if I had to choose, I would take eagle. I would like to be an eagle. That would be the dopest thing ever. Yeah, because eagles get to jackfish from the air. Yeah, bro. It's our fucking national animal for a reason, bro. Have some respect. You know, the turkey, I'm sure you know this. The turkey was supposed to be our national animal. Really? Yeah, Benjamin Franklin was putting forward the turkey. Turkey's the smartest bird.

25:27That would have made us less douchey. See, in Canada, they have a maple leaf. They're all like, chill up there. We're going to fucking kill a bird. That we eat once a year. An eagle? Oh, the turkey. We eat our national bird, man. If we didn't have the eagle, maybe we wouldn't be so douchey. Because the eagle is such a douchey animal. What, bitch? Why would we want an eagle, first of all? Because eagles don't give a fuck about anybody. You ever look into an eagle's eyes? That's like the pits of hell. I cry. They don't give a fuck about you. If you're holding them and feeding them every day, and they're a little thing on your arm, and you get shot in the head with a howitzer, they'll go, well, I guess I'm not hanging out here anymore. Just fly away. They don't get sad. They don't feel bad. Those birds of prey are a trip. There was a hawk that landed on our ranch, and we knew something was off with it

26:16because it was just hanging around the house. So my parents were like, all right, we got to try and bring it in. We got to try and get it to the vet or something like that. So they sent me with a kitchen glove. Were they sure of bullets? Yeah. They sent me with a kitchen glove and a little piece of steak. Get the fuck out of here. So I'm going very slowly, looking at this hawk in the eye, thinking of the options. Do I fight? Do I run? What happened? But it turned out that it was a domesticated hawk. So I was able to give it the meat, and then it dug it, and then it hopped on the kitchen glove. That's crazy. Yeah, brought it into the house, and then I rescued it. Does it have to be domesticated for that to have happened? I don't know. I'm glad I found out. Because did you ask him, like, have you done this before? Yeah. Yeah, bro. This is what we do. This is what we do. This is no problem. Climb on your glove, bro.

27:03Yeah. What animal would you be? Shut the fuck up Brian's on a date Chris is a very handsome man I almost answered that That's the sad part I was right there with you I was like Oh actually Brian Well we have to know the answer Well it's like one of those things If someone asks you What's your favorite color Shut up dick But meanwhile It is a valid question Maybe you have a reason Why you're into violet I'm into purple I'm into fuchsia I want to shock you I'm into fuchsia Look I'm fuchsia I got a hot fuchsia car I'm radical Didn't Cameron trademark some kind of pink Did he really? Good fan My boy Javi Vasquez He fights in pink shorts He wears pink little fucking tighties When he fights He fights for Strikeforce He's a bad motherfucker He fights for WEC He won the King of the Cage title He fought in Japan He always wears pink shorts He doesn't give a fuck No one wants to get beat by the big shorts

28:02and beat your ass with sissy clothes on. All you see is the stars are clearing out. It's just pink shorts and a package staring you at the face. There's another dude, that dude, what the fuck is his name? Tim Kennedy. Tim Kennedy always trains with pink gloves. He wears these big fucking girly looking pink gloves. But he's like, when you're a fierce motherfucker, you can wear pink. It totally makes sense. How did a color get to be so disparaged? Why? Well, it was the traditional girl color. But why? What is it? Because people gave it to girls on the baby shower day. So it was just ingrained. But why? Why are they into pink all over the world? Are they into, like, in Transylvania, are little girls into black? They're little goth girls? I don't know. Is that the big color for little girls? I think pink's the prettiest color, you know? I think if you don't want red, because that's like an evil hot color.

28:50Thank you, you just passed my faggot test. I think pink's the prettiest color. Because it's sparkling. How did pink get to keep the name Pink? You know, the singer Pink? How the fuck has nobody else been pink? That bitch got the best name a chick could have ever. What's the girliest shit ever? Pink. She's a gangster. All girls love pink. And deserves it. She does deserve it. She's a badass. I wrote a whole blog about watching her perform at the Emmys. I watched her perform, and I was like, you've got to be fucking shitting me. That was just sheer brilliance in coordination with perfect singing and just so in tune with the crowd and had everyone mesmerized. It was fucking beyond. But I'm just shocked that nobody got pink before. I mean, she's not old. It's not like she got there first. Nobody thought to call themselves pink. It seems like there probably was, I bet.

29:40Some fucking dummy that just didn't trademark it. Right. I think there's probably some bitches out there. I was a real pink. I was pink way before that hoe. Charlie Chaplin was pink once. I was pink in the 80s. They didn't have no internet. she don't she heard about me she heard about me and created her own shit that bitch jacked my name there's always whenever someone famous gets famous there's always someone that thinks that happens all the time oh he's got my whole act that's my whole routine I was doing that in the Catskills I've heard that story so many times that a guy makes it and then you go that guy made it but there was a guy back in Michigan who was scared to leave town, but he was the guy. He learned from that guy. Like Kramer. There's a real Kramer. You know, Kramer from Seinfeld, but there's a real dude. He calls himself the real Kramer, and he gives tours of New York. He just bursts through doors.

30:44Well, I guess he's universally acknowledged as the guy who inspired that character. So somehow or another, they let him capitalize on it and gives tours and shit, which has got to be so twisted. Yeah. And boring. Maybe not, man. Maybe for him, it's like the shit, you know? Maybe if he was a dentist, he'd be bored. And maybe if my dentist had his job, he'd be terrified. Maybe. Maybe the dentist would put it off himself. I don't mean, who knows? If he really was supposed to be Kramer, the guy's got to be very eccentric, right? I mean, if that's really the guy who they, you know, model it after. What the fuck? What does that guy do now? I've seen him randomly in placements and appearances. Really? Recently? You're talking about... Kramer. Yeah. The real one. Yeah, what the fuck's his name? He's about to go in some house. Why did I forget? How come I'm forgetting his name? Michael Richards. Michael Richards. Thank you.

31:36He just attacked a photographer the other day. Did he? Yeah. I thought he had it together. Who would have thought? I guess he punched him and stuff. That's one of the worst predicaments in the history of the media for an actor. for an actor to have done, that was one of the worst predicaments. You know, that's like... You know, like people have caught people with hookers. Like Hugh Grant got busted with hookers. And, you know, Alec Baldwin yelled at his kid. That's all good. But, you know, it's not that bad. No. Right? He yelled out, here is a nigger. Look, we have a nigger. Jesus, Joe. I mean, I know what he was trying to do. Spoiler alert. What he was trying to do... Spoiler alert. what he was trying to do is say something completely shocking and somehow or another rescue himself from a bad situation where he was bombing. And he wanted to figure out how to get them, how to hurt them, how to shock,

32:34how to let them know that he didn't give a fuck. Like, oh, you're going to fuck with my show? You think it's okay? Oh, you think because I'm on Seinfeld I won't get crazy at you? Oh, look, here's a nigger. Look, we have some niggers. And everybody was like, whoa, what the fuck? It's shocking. But what's most shocking to me is that that word still works. It's one of the few words that still has magic left in it. It still has that ability to affect people harshly. It's nuts. It's interesting. It's amazing. The only one left, the other one, I think cunt. Yeah. Dude, I have a whole bit on it. I have a whole bit about the three magic words, love, nigger, and cunt. Those are the three magic words. Like the word love. always has way more power than any other words you can string together. Like, I care about you so much. I think about you all day. I don't know what it is. When I'm around you, I want to be affectionate.

33:28Do you love me? You have to say it. You have to say, I love you. Like, I love, oh, it's the fucking, we're in, we're in the house. We're in the love house. We all go in, that's magic word number one. Cunt, sort of, but that's getting used a lot. Yeah, it gets tossed, especially in England. Hallmark's using cunt in cards now, so I don't think it's... Is Hallmark using cunt in cards? in England they cunt all the time everything's cunt talking about dudes this fucking cunt over here they cunt it up so much that it's like this fucking dude they're saying dude but nigger's still very very controversial the joke in my act I would say that even saying it's a word I'm not even calling anybody we're just saying the word and you're like candy man, candy man, candy man it is like that It's like you're saying an incantation that's going to bring violence your way. Like you're using a bad word.

34:22You're not even calling anybody anything. You're just saying that this word exists and incanting it and saying it out loud. You run the risk of violence. That's amazing. That's amazing. And it's 2010, and we think that's okay. I think it's one of the few words where I can't even hear my own voice saying it because I don't think I've had the courage to voice it. Oh, it's just a word, man. I say it to girls all the time. When you're fucking him? Yeah. Tell me how you do it. Tell me what you say. Hey, fucking nigger. Whoa. That was offensive, Brian. I thought you were going to say N-word. Fucking N-word. That's even more offensive. Dirty bitch. Feel free to swear in front of you. You might be wearing a wire, you dirty N-word. But she's not really one, so it's not bad. If she was really black, then it would feel bad. But if she's white... Well, you could be a white nigger. I think that's in a song somewhere. Right?

35:13I'm sure it is What's a wigger? No, nigger Brian, stop saying that It's uncomfortable for everyone We just weirded out half of America Half of America, ridiculous There's 100,000 people listening to this thing Listen folks, they're just words That's the point It's a ridiculous point that's been argued throughout time It shouldn't be still going on It should always be your intent It should always be Whenever you're in any environment where you're not allowed to say certain words, you make that environment at least 20% bullshit at all times. Any work environment that you're at, nobody's really totally being themselves. Everybody has to have this stupid guard up because you can't say cunt and you can't say fuck and you can't say shit and you can't talk honestly about how you feel about things. No, you're in a professional working environment. Except at Fleshlight, I'll have to say. Except at Fleshlight.

36:05Chris, by the way, works at Fleshlight. Chris, what is your exact job over there? Your executive VP of marketing and business development. He's the reason why we made the connection. And he's also the reason why they have an avatar flashlight. Just as a correction, this is not an avatar flashlight. Did I say avatar? This is the alien pussy. Oh, it just happens to be blue. We actually launched this two years ago. Yeah, totally. Which is how we're getting around things. It's a space pussy. So we pushed this out two years ago. It was just a space vagina. We put some girls in some blue lipstick. Oh, so this was before Avatar. But it just happens that there's a super hot alien that's blue. You didn't even make it look like a vagina at all. Double clits, Joe. I like how you did that. I like it. Double clits. And to me, inside, the mold is a whole bunch of different stuff. So you've thought of this.

36:51The mold inside is like a bunch of space. Eggshells and shit. And coffee grains. No. Every thousand foot side has a razor blade. It has like different ribs inside. Okay. Urban myth. Is that an urban myth? The razor blade in the vagina from Vietnam. Is that an urban myth? What? I've never heard of it. That hookers would do that? You never heard that? No. Yeah, man. Hookers would take these back in Vietnam. It was like when I was a kid in high school, growing up in Boston. Back in Vietnam. I heard what they did. They took razor blades and they put them up the girl's vagina. And then you'd fuck them and cut your dick in half. You never heard that before? No, never. Wow, I hung out with a bad crowd. Have you heard of the rape condoms? I've heard of those. Yeah, they have little spikes on them and they stick. What? They shove it in the girl. shoves it inside of her like a tampon. And it's basically

37:39an interior lining for her vagina that's filled with barbs. Like fucking... Like fishhook type deals. So these guys, they rape a lot apparently in Africa. It's like a serious, serious problem. It's like one out of three women in Africa has been raped. Certain areas of Africa. And this is one of the areas where they're pushing these rape condoms. Those guys are going to kill now. Now it's not just going to be rape. but it's going to be rape and murder. If a guy sticks his dick inside you and comes out bloody and covered with fish hooks, chances are he might hit you, right? Even if he's raping you. It's going to give you a moment. Such an asshole that he would rape you. Yeah, so give you a moment. But a guy who's such an asshole that he would rape you, you don't think he'll kill you if you cut his dick up? That guy's a piece of shit. He's not going to go, you were right. You were right. I shouldn't have raped you.

38:30I got fish hooks on my dick. I deserve it. No, he's going to attack you, right? I would assume. We went out. I was actually out there in Africa, Kenya, Tanzania, Uganda, and out with some of the tribesmen. We were working with some of the men out there to try and actually instill traditional martial arts into them so that they could get some kind of... So you're teaching martial arts to the tribesmen? Yeah, and some of the inner city, the slum kids, because really they have a whole generation of fathers that are gone from AIDS. Just no father figures, so they have nothing else to really go to, so they get picked up by gangs, they get picked up by these war parties, and then they get turned into little killers. So what we were trying to do is show them some kind of paternal discipline and show them that they can be strong and powerful without having to be in a gang.

39:13And it was a really cool program and it worked, but it's fucking intense out there, man. It's really intense. We ended up having to stop the program because Civil War broke out in Kenya and it was just too nutty to keep doing it. God damn. Yeah, it was pretty crazy. So you're over there teaching them martial arts. Yep. Wow. Very traditional stylized. We weren't going into MMA, ground and pound techniques. Just like discipline, karate type shit. Going through the kata and definitely speaking to them. I mean, they dug it. It's kind of interesting that Africa is not known for martial arts. It's like Africa is the cradle of civilization, right? That's where humans emanated from. But really, martial arts didn't really pick up until they got to Asia. I mean, there was other martial arts that were developed in other countries. But for whatever reason, I think it's because Africa was so fucked up

40:02they just went straight to weapons. They're like, what are we doing? We're fucking around here with karate chops. Give me a gun. You have a gun? Give me a pointy stick, man. Give me some shit. I got to stab some fucking animals with some hyenas trying to eat my kids, all right? You can't just fucking box them like in Ireland. Hey, how do you try to eat my kids? Yeah, man, in Ireland, what do they have to worry? A deer gets into your yard? You know what I'm saying? They had time to beat the fuck out of each other. Or a whiskey bottle. Yeah, they didn't even bother learning MMA. man, they didn't even bother with takedowns or leg kicks or anything like that. They're like, ah, this is good enough. Just use our hands. We don't need to get crazy with the knees. Come on, Flattery. Elbows are against the rules, lad. Why are you hitting me with that? We're not trying to kill each other, okay?

40:45But in Africa, they're like, fuck you. They're going right for pointy sticks to your chest. They're poison darts and shit. Yeah, blowguns. They're just trying to jack you. The exception is the Greco-Roman-style wrestling that some of the tribes have. Really? Yeah, yeah. They got good Greco in Africa? Some of the tribes. That's what determines the alpha in the tribe. Really? They do all kinds of crazy rituals. Do they have good technique? Do you think you can take their back? Yeah, dude. They don't defend the double leg. No way. Let him get on top. Sweep his ass. He got no base sign. You don't know about the rubber guard. You don't know about my lockdown. He's flopping up and down. All of a sudden, he's choked out. I get half guard on you, bitch. You got a problem. You got a deep problem. Wake up with shit in his loincloth. So what kind of wrestling do they do? Well, it's just like real Greco-Roman.

41:34But is it like technical? Do they understand underhooks and overhooks and hip movement? What kind of throws? Do they have throws that are like judo throws or like wrestling throws? Shoulder throws, like hip throws. I mean, an all-American wrestler would go there and jack them. Roll them. I mean, they don't have the nutrition and the training. Yeah, they're eating bugs and shit. That ain't good for your Greco. Bugs ain't good for your wrestling. Drinking some stuff out of the fear factory. Yeah, drinking goat blood and shit. Yeah, exactly. You know, we were talking about this on the show before, but in Africa, trepanning, where you cut a hole into the top of the head. Have you ever seen that? No. Dude, some tribes in Africa do the gnarliest shit to their bodies, and I've always tried to figure out what that is. Where is that coming from? But one of them is trepanning, T-R-E-P-A-N,

42:21and it means cutting a hole through the skull and exposing the brain. and this one guy had done it 20 times. I'm sure that's very antiseptic conditions. No, yeah, they're doing it with coconut shells and shit. They're fucking cutting your head over with a sharp rock, and I'm not joking. For sure. They are using rocks and shit, carving, no anesthetic whatsoever, carving in a dude's skulls. And then the women in Surrey who cut the hole in their lip, and they put plates in, and the bigger the plate, the more cows you're worth when you get married. Yeah, yeah. Like, what is that about? What is all that? Those are tough to figure out. Scarification, they do a lot of that. The one that's easier to figure out, but I think is maybe the worst, is the clitorectomies that are done by the Maasai tribe, traditional Maasai. Not just them, right? There's so many cultures. There's more of them. So bad.

43:07And it's just, you know, and then once they do that, like, sex is just never pleasurable to women. So, I mean, it's, you know, they're trying to do it. They're doing it because they're haters. Yeah. They're haters. Totally. They can't, they have no game. And they want to control these chicks for life. And then the chick turns like 20 and she wises up. Like, dude, you fucking smell. I'm not into this relationship I'm going to get some good dick and she tries to leave and you are my property and they have problems it's a bunch of haters man it's all those faggots that won't let chicks dance all those dudes who want to put chicks in burkas and shit cover everything but your eyes they want them to walk around like they're inside of a trash can looking through a slot all totally insecure haters, little faggots little bitch ass people living in the middle of nowhere it's the dumbest place in the world

43:53because it's the first place. I always say that the Middle East is basically, they're like the townies of the world because that is where written language was created. I mean, the Middle East is responsible for so many firsts. You know, Mesopotamia, Babylonia, where Iraq is, is ancient Sumer. They had the first written language, the first agriculture, the first government, the first astrology, the first astronomy. I mean, they had a lot of firsts there. It was a brilliant, brilliant place. I mean, so much development. But everybody, like in all good places, they got tired of the douchebags and they moved. And everybody spread out. Civilization spread out across the country. It's just like America. If you go to the East Coast, you get a lot of holdouts. That's what it is. A lot of stubborn people that go, I fucking like it here. Fuck everybody else.

44:40And what they really are is the grandchildren and children of fucking savages. people in Ireland and Poland and England that life over there sucked so much cock that they were willing to get on a boat for months and come to them someplace they didn't even know what the fuck it was and so then they get there and then they huddle up and they try to figure out this new place and fight off the fucking Indians and do whatever they have to do to make a business and get everybody smart goes there's gotta be someplace better than this let's get the fuck out of here and they started traveling west devote your vital energy to something besides bear survival Yeah, so that is the civilization beginning, is Sumer. And that is Iraq, and that is the Middle East. That's why the Middle East is so fucked up. That's why there's such haters over there. You know, I have a theory that I don't think has been explored very much,

45:29but it seems like in the desert areas of the world, they're very patriarchal dominated. And then you get to the coastlands, you get to the jungles, they have a lot more matriarchal societies that have a lot more respect for women, and the religions appear different. Something about that dry, arid landscape. And of course, the major desert religions, Judaism, Christianity, Islam have kind of really taken hold there. But for whatever reason, that kind of patriarchal dominance that occurs out there in the desert areas is different. It's a hard life, right? It demands hard living. And you also have to realize that they had this hard, radical ideology thousands and thousands of years ago. And a hard radical ideology is very difficult to break without a revolution. It doesn't sort of evolve.

46:17You know, if their ideology about like, and I don't know how recent it's been that they've been so strict with women with the clitorectomies and with the burkas. I mean, how recent has that been? I mean, it's still going on. Right. But I mean, when did it start? I mean, is it something that's been going on for hundreds of years? Thousands of years? At least a hundred. I don't know. I don't know how much longer that is. When you have a situation where there's a lot of fear and a lot of religious fanaticism, it's really hard to change because everybody's scared. Well, even the females for the clitorectomies, some of them feel like they can't become a woman until they get it. It's so ingrained. So if they make it illegal, it's actually forcing some women underground to get them done in even worse conditions than the flint rock and the chisel or whatever the thing is to get it done. So it's a nightmare.

47:01I mean, you really got to attack it with education. I mean, that's the only real option. It's one of those things where I think about, there's certain levels of fear when fear gets ingrained into a culture and when it's control, and that's what a lot of that is. A lot of the controlling of women with the clothing and the dancing and to try to prevent other men from fucking them and all that craziness. When that shit gets a hold of a culture, it's very hard to get it out. You know what I'm saying? It takes a new restart. Or a person. Or a person, sure. Absolutely. Absolutely. But at least a culture or a person rather is responsible for themselves. People can wake up and go, hey, I'm a douchebag. I need to snap out of this. It's very difficult for a culture to wake up and go, hey, we're fucked up. Look what we're doing overseas. Look what we're pretending that this is going on and we're making billions.

47:49And we got all these fucking dummies that are listening to us. We can do better. It's very rare that a culture wakes up or a government wakes up or any large group that a person can wake up. I think the best thing to do would be to put internet kiosks fucking everywhere. Just put that in satellite internet. Just get them out there and have them watch Spice Girls. I mean, like at that point, they're going to say, duh, clitoris. They kind of do that with those cheap laptops. Have you seen those things? Are they getting into them? Yeah, they're like throwing them in different places like that. That's really the best thing you can do. Yeah, but they definitely need some big inoculation of the retardation that they've gone through for decades and hundreds and thousands of years. They need something to get them to evolve. when if you get people that are just so wacky about a certain ideology

48:35to the point where they're so nutty that you're not even allowed to draw their main dude. Think how crazy that is. You can't draw their main guy or they'll kill you. Why do we tolerate this? Why does anyone tolerate that? That is absolutely crazy. It's not saying that Muhammad doesn't exist or never did exist or he's not a prophet. He might very well be. I am completely uneducated to that matter. But you're telling me that you can't draw them? Come on. That's silly. One of the tenets, I had a great philosophy instructor when I was going to school, and one of the tenets that he taught, he was a philosophy of religion specialist, and he said, you know, any god that should be worshipped should be worthy of worship. So if you're a god and someone's drawing you and you're going to smite them, I mean, that dude isn't worthy of worship. Well, it's the followers that smite, right?

49:25Right, but it's because they're smiting because they feel it's an offense to God. Like if someone's drawing you, you're not going to get pissed. So does that mean that you're better than God? It can't be. You can't have a system where the God isn't worthy of worship and being at least as good as another man. And this was my thought, is that all of this, it seems so archaic and ridiculous. It seems so several thousand years ago. It's amazing that this kind of ideology is allowed to live through this age of information. deep into the 2000s. That's fascinating, man. It's fascinating. Yeah, it is. I think there's a real grain of truth at the bottom of all these religions, some beautiful things. I mean, I'm sure in the Quran, I'm not as familiar as I am with some of the other works, but I've seen a little bit. There's beautiful passages. Fucking terrorist. Spiritual and really powerfully beautiful passages

50:16and all that. But then men get in there and they're able to utilize that as a mechanism of power to wield more power over other people. Right. It just gets kind of twisted. But what's the origin of it all? I mean, if it isn't the Word of God, what is it? Is it smart people who figure some things out and somehow or another figure out how to tell it to people? And those people tell it to each other for thousands of years, and then it eventually gets written down. And by that point, it's become fables, and the words have been twisted, and things have gotten strange, and the translations are off, the memory's off. I mean, if you're dealing with something as big as the Bible, how many hundreds of pages is that? It's a lot. It's a lot. So you dudes had to like say it They had a It's a spoken word thing For like a thousand years And then they wrote it down It was a while And they had a council to decide

51:03You know it was like an editing council Right Where they decided Which nah this goes in Nah this goes out Well how about the fucking New Testament The New Testament's even better than that There were canons for the New Testament They just threw out They're like I don't It's an editor They just recently redid it Oh they redid it Yeah they have like a newer New Testament Yeah I was just talking to Jesus and shit And he got some old notes We got some old Tupac tapes we're going to pull out. Jesus is like Tupac. They're redoing his words. That talking snake shit was in real. There was like a bunch of apostles that were like, that dude, he ain't all that. I don't care if you know Jesus. They chose the words that fitted their agenda. Yeah, well, that was Constantine. That was when Constantine was controlling Rome. He was a smart dude. He realized he needed to rope people up with one universal religion.

51:46It couldn't be pagans. Well, at that point, though, the slave class had really outnumbered you know, the other classes. So he was, you know, he says it came to him in a dream or whatever, but I think he was trying to survive. Yeah. I mean, the Christianity spread in the lower classes. I mean, they idealized that theory that they were going to go to heaven and all these rich people who were putting him to work and doing shitty stuff to him, they were going to go to hell. So it took off. And then he was like, oh shit, almost our entire country is slaves. I'm a Christian. Like, bam, I had a dream, you know? Really? And then that's what did it. You know, he says it came to him in a dream, but really I think it was survival. So the Christians were just taking over, then. They were. There was just too many in that lower class versus the patricians who were well outnumbered at that point. That's fascinating. So it was a

52:29survival move more than a control move. I think so. At that point, the adoption of Christianity was like he saw the flood. He saw the tides going and he was going to either get trampled by it or he was going to go with it. Wouldn't you have loved to have been in that war meeting? Yeah, for real. Where they're like, how are we going to handle this? We've got some shit. Some shit is going down. There's some people out there with pitchforks. fucking torches and shit. Yeah. Beating him to the lions was just making him mad at that point. Let's tell him we found Jesus. Yes! I like that. Let's tell him we found Jesus. Go with it. Go with it. I'm fucking... I'm born again. I don't know about y'all. Are you born again? I'm totally born again. We can still keep everything going as usual. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We bring them in. We're going to have to include them, but they're not going to kill us. Yeah. Okay, we're good.

53:13We're born again. We're born again. That's it. And off to the races there. History has changed. Oh, ridiculous. And he didn't even become a Christian until right before he died. Yeah. You know, right? Wasn't he baptized before he died? I'm not sure exactly the time he had. He had a little bit of time. For a long time. Yeah, it wasn't a while. I mean, he didn't start leading like that. I'm not dunking my fucking head in the water. Dude, you got to do it. You got to do it. They don't believe you unless you do it. Yeah. I got to fucking get in the water. The water sucks. It's cold. Yeah. You got to do their thing. You got to get in the water. You know who's on point? You posted a video about him, but I've read all of his books. It's John Shelby Spong. Why Christianity Must Change or Die I think you actually posted a YouTube video I'm sure I did, yeah And he's a preacher who kind of is commenting And a very devout Christian

53:55Who's commenting on the way Christianity has gone And his second book is Why Christianity Must Change or Die And it's really a poignant book for anybody interested in that Yeah, he was fascinating He was like, we're in the control business This is all the control business He was so upfront about his whole The entire career that he had in it Brutally honest Wow. His first book goes through different passages and basically attacks the fundamentalist position of Christianity and says, look, this doesn't make sense. This is a book. It was a guidebook. There's lots of stuff that doesn't make a lot of sense in here anymore. Let's go through this. Let's get rid of this. And then his second book philosophically talks about how the evolution of Christianity needs to be in order for that religion to survive. And I think ultimately it will. I think it's happening.

54:37Like the fire and brimstone that used to be, you know, that Bosch paintings of people just getting ripped apart. and if you go to El Duomo in Florence, you look up at the ceiling and there's demons with these big, giant, big, giant wooden flaming staffs shoving them in people's asses. Oh, man. And like another demon that's like shoving one in some girl's pussy. Wow. Yeah, and you're in this church, beautiful church. And you're like, what the fuck is up here? That is crazy. Wait a minute, what is the name of this place again? It's called El Duomo. El Duomo. El Duomo. It's the center church in the middle of Florence. Oh, my God. As we climb up to the top, it's fucking bananas, man. I have to see this. I mean, I've been there twice now. Do they have it online? They must have the photos. Yeah, for sure. Sure. So what is the story behind all that?

55:19Well, I mean, at that point, I mean, they were pushing the, well, it was for sodomy and adultery, and that was the crimes being punished, but they would be punished by these people. How do you spell El Duomo? It's a, I think it might be I-L since it's Italy, and then D-U-O-M-O. It's in Italy, those crazy Italians, those motherfuckers. Yeah, but I mean, just nutty, man. Italians are so nuts, man. I'm Italian, I grew up Italian but it's because they're so savage that they're always riddled with guilt because they're just so fucking crazy They're the leftover Romans That's real shit Where's the photos of the dragons and the assholes and shit? It's going to be the interior of the dome Interior of the dome I need to see this It's a beautiful fucking building It's stunning They made some dope-ass architecture. They did. They were on point. Isn't that amazing? Isn't that amazing that if you look at the Vatican

56:18and look at a lot of the shit from all the shit that Da Vinci painted, like the Sistine Chapel and stuff, no one does anything like that these days. Some of the sculptures, I looked at some of the work by this artist named Bernini, and I sat this one, and it was a lady sitting on the pillows. Well, Bernini actually did the ones that were like Daphne and Apollo and the rape of Persephone. And just to look at how he was able to sculpt someone's fingers digging into someone's flesh, like Hades is digging into Persephone, he's into her side, like grabbing the side of it. And you cannot believe that it's marble. I mean, just the way that he makes it like fleshy and lifelike. Canova did the same thing with this lady reclining on a pillow, just sculpting sheets out of marble that look like they're, you know, you could fluff them in the breeze. Yeah, what the fuck, man? He's really just incredibly talented.

57:11And all this stuff just passed on through generation after generation of learning how to work with stone and carve. Yeah. Fuck, man. Yeah, that'll never be duplicated. Yeah, it's like people are just way too lazy, man. I'm not carving shit out of stone. No. Fuck all that, man. Finding the weaknesses in the marble and envisioning what could come out of it. But we'll do some crazy shit like walk through the Amazon. We'll do some nutty shit like I'm going to be the first guy. Like, douchebag, do you know you can take a boat and it's like a few hours you go all around? Well, you know what's even crazier than walking through the Amazon? Have you seen the documentary Big River Man? The dude who swam the Amazon? What? He swam the Amazon. Oh, that guy's trying to die. This one will be easy to bring out. It's bigriverman.com and see it. That dude is nuts. So he's from like... That dude's trying to die.

58:01Yeah, well, he does pretty much. It takes 65 days, right? So it's this documentary of this guy. And he started swimming because he had this alcoholic father. and his father would come home and try and beat him he's in eastern europe try and beat him so he figured out he figured out if he went in the river his dad wouldn't follow him and so he just swim and his dad would chase him along the riverside what and so eventually he learned to be this stamina endurance swimmer but he got all fucked in the head you know and so he goes out and he swam all of the world's biggest rivers and so he goes out on the amazon and i just saw this happened to catch this late night and i was just amazed and he doesn't do it like a normal swimmer would like take their protein and do that he's like getting them to throw bottles of wine in the

58:40water and whiskey he comes off he drinks another two bottles of wine and he's this big dude he's not even in shape he's like he's kind of like chubby you know and and he gets there but then around day 40 you know all the pair he's drinking the water from the amazon so all the parasites are getting him he has an onboard doctor and he's like shocking himself with electroshock therapy to kill the parasites and he's like screaming with stuff in his head and like batteries attached to him it's nutty but then around the 40th day the last you ever hear from him in the documentary he goes i'm crossing into the fourth dimension now and he just fucking is gone at that point just gone and then so he'll like wake up early in the morning and swim away from the boat and they won't know where he is they're like pointing their light out and trying to find him they see him naked on

59:25some river bank looking at driftwood just gone so is he gone because he was just fucked to begin with or was it all the parasites like what i think it's the parasites and just not taking care of himself exhaustion he's so sunburned he has to wear this like mask he looks like silence of the lambs this mask covering his face holy shit yeah it's it's nutty the big river man is the name of it martin strell i believe is his name it's it's funny there's some nutty motherfuckers it is a broad spectrum of human beings man it's broad yeah you know just when you think you've got people completely figured out, you'll find some new one online. You'll see some new shit. I guess when he was swimming the Yangtze, it was so dirty in some of the industrial areas that he had to have nightly blood transfusions from a nurse on the boat. Just new blood in, old blood out. What the fuck? And he just fucking kept swimming.

60:20And the pictures of that swim are just insane. Jesus Christ. He wants to swim all of the biggest rivers of the world. Okay, what is it about people doing dangerous shit that they don't have to do. It's one thing that if you get thrown into the Amazon, you have to figure out a way to swim, to stay alive, and make it to the shore, and then get back to safety. I survived in the woods. I started a fire with rocks. I know how to get back, and I got back, and I made it. That's an excellent story. But when you thrust yourself into that situation, that's not a game. That's a river. What is that? It's not the survival instinct that has propagated the species. It's the instinct to reproduce. and doing dangerous shit has always gotten chicks. Is that what it is? Yeah. Okay, but how do you account for chicks that like getting hot air balloons and go across the world? How about this chick who's rowing her way?

61:12She's in a sailboat. She's like 16, and she's sailing across the ocean. What's that about? Is she a lesbian? She's trying to get some pussy? I don't know. I think that's some kind of tapping into some of the same instincts. Dude, lesbians trying to pick up straight chicks is just as creepy as dudes trying to pick up straight chicks. My girl certainly gets her fair share of it. I was at the mailbox, and I'm about to send a package, and there's this lesbian lady, and she's so obviously dykey, just big, and she's got a mullet, and it's like the whole deal. She's got one of those Eddie Bravo Falcon wristbands. It's like a leather strap on her wrist, and the girl in front of her is getting a package, and she dropped something. She was like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm so disorganized. And the lesbian goes, don't apologize for being human. And I was like, oh. It was so gross. I literally put my hand up to my mouth.

62:12I'm like, it was so sleazy. Here's my card. It was so low rent, traveling vacuum salesman salesman trying to fuck somebody's wife you know i mean it was like so sad don't apologize for being human i'm like that must be what it sounds like you know when when dudes try to do it too yeah i'm sure it is it's the same thing right yeah when you hear a dude like with a sleazy cheesy line you know you're like oh you feel bad for that chick that could be your sister that could be your daughter she's gonna listen to this moron you know i could always just give it to you right ear in my car. That's brutal. Disgusting. Could be someone's kid. That perspective comes from having children. Dude, that perspective jacks you. When you have children, everything changes. Porn becomes like a sad story. Like, oh, poor girl getting mouthfucked. Think about it. That used to be somebody's baby.

63:15Somebody's little girl. Used to be a thumb. Now it's some big, giant, black dick. Glug, glug, glug. She's getting gagged Slapped in the face with it I'm like wow Can't enjoy it Not so fun Changed it Changed the game Have you been You've been Brian have you ever been to a set of a porn Where? A set of a porn Being filmed Just like my bedroom and stuff like that Tell us Brian You know how it goes Speaking of which Play your friend Your friend's clip Oh yeah yeah Not speaking of which I mean you really This is not a romantic situation Here's some porn I filmed. No, this is actually from Sam Tripoli's Naughty Show. This is a video that... Tell everybody. They don't have to see it. It's funny enough as it is. But if you want to see it, what is the YouTube address? It's just type in Little Esther on the street. Little Esther on the street. Now, what this is, this is Brian's friend. She's 22? 22, but she looks like she's... 12.

64:16Yeah, 12 years old. Seriously, she really looks like she's 12. And that's her whole thing. She was on Jimmy Kimmel. She played Jimmy Kimmel's sister on Jimmy Kimmel in one episode or something. And what is her name? Esther. Esther? Yeah. They go by Lil' Esther. She's hilarious. She's like a new up-and-coming comic, I would say. She does a lot of comedy store stuff. And Esther, I'm sorry, what's her last name again? She goes by Lil' Esther. Lil' Esther. Yeah, so you can find her. So her name is a mystery? Well, if you go on Twitter, it's twitter.com backslash L-I-L underscore Ether. I'll tweet it in a bit, but yeah, it's called Lil Ether, and here's that. How do you spell Esther? Hold on. E-S-T-H-E-R. Oh, it's Esther, huh? Yeah. I would have got that wrong. But then I would have looked at it the right way and been like, that doesn't look right either. E-S-T-E-R? They look stupid, too. E-S-T-H-E-R. All right, whatever.

65:14Let's hear this. It's funny. She's on the street. She's a girl literally who looks like she's 12 years old, and she's just walking up to strangers. Yeah, and she's saying that this is for her health class, you know? All right. So here it goes. Little Esther, she's got questions. She needs answers. This should be interesting. So I'm just asking questions for my teen health project. What does friends with benefits mean? Oh, it's loading up. It was loaded up. Oh, that's so gay, Brian. I can't believe you did that. It was loaded up earlier, but we went and did that song instead. Anyway, blah, blah, blah. Are you playing it over again? They already heard that part. God damn it. Anyways, it's really funny. Yeah, just go to it online. We'll play it in a bit. It'll load up while we're waiting. Let it load up. Anyway, she's 12 and she looks... Or she's 22. She looks 14. And she looks like she's 12. It's a really funny video.

66:10from Sam Tripoli's Naughty Show. And she asked dirty questions. Yeah. You already know the joke. Right. But it's good. It's a good joke. It's very similar to that man show boy concept. Kind of, yes. But way dirtier. The kid looks really young. But way more wrong. Yeah. Because it's a girl. But at least it's really, she's really an adult as opposed to the man show boy was like a real little kid. Was it? I thought it wasn't. No, no, no, no. It was a kid. He was like 15 or something. He was a boy, right? And he aged while the show was going on. I didn't know that. That became the man show, you know, like teenager. You know, I always got that kid mixed up with Andy Milonakis or whatever his name is. You know what? I don't even know who Andy Milonakis is. I know the name. I've seen the name written in print. It's like a cultural pop icon name. Right. You know, someone will say it. And I don't know who it is. I don't get it.

67:00I've seen it a hundred times. He's pretty funny. Is he a comic? Well, he's like a video guy. I don't even know. Oh, like a YouTube guy? Yeah, like a YouTube bot, kind of, but he also has been in stuff, movies. I hope people don't get offended when you say they don't know who they are. There's just so many people to know now. He's from MTV, I think. There's too much shit going on, man. I can't keep up with all those goddamn videos people are sending me. I look at my Twitter. It's like if I wanted to just waste my entire life, not waste, but use up all my time, I would just go on my Twitter and watch all the videos that people send me. All these fucked up, crazy videos over and over and over and over again, all day. Check this out. Oh, my God. Have you ever seen this? How is this guy still alive? Every day, animal attacks, car wrecks, motorcycle crash, animal attacks. It's all fucking day, dude.

67:45Yeah, so much content out there. Fuck. It's impossible to watch it all. Our minds are being reprogrammed. You sit in front of these fucking computers just inundated with crazy shit over and over again all day. If you have time and your dick works, someone's going to send you something fucked up, right? Because if you have time and you're young enough to be having fun in life, you're going to have some fun friends. And if you have fun friends, they're going to see some fucked up shit. And if they're going to see some fucked up shit, they're going to want you to see it too. If it tweaks them, they're going to want to send it to you. They're going to want to be the one that shocks you. It's too much, man. It is. Every once in a while, just reading a book with actual pages. Because I got the iPad thing, and I like that too. But it's sometimes comforting just to go back. Just to shut some stuff out.

68:35I'm going to read this page of printed letters. You've tried this recently, and this is a big thing that I do. It's a sensory deprivation tank. You just tried it for the first time, right? Yep. What did you think about that? Well, I think I sent this to you in an email, but I likened it to the first time I had sex. I could tell it was something rad, and I knew I was going to dig it for the rest of my life, but I was terrible at it. Just not quite good at it yet. You have to really just relax your mind. I was fidgeting with how comfortable I was, but then I also was super tired when I was in there. It was a long week, and I didn't have it available to me except for kind of late in the evening, and I wanted to make sure I got in. I started to fall asleep, but it was this crazy consciousness in the sleep. I saw this window of where sleep was, and I could visually see it. I could see it with my eyes open,

69:25and I could crawl in it, and I was asleep, and I could crawl out of it and not be asleep. And I was fully in control of how it was going. And that was pretty wild. I mean, what you're able to do with your mind in that situation where you can't tell when your eyes are open and your eyes are closed and there's no feeling, no sensation on your body, the amount of control I was able to exercise was amazing. Didn't find any kind of great lucid information out of it, but the experience was wild. I mean, I've never been able to see those layers. because usually you just pass out. You don't know when you fell asleep. All of a sudden you're awake. You remember that. Then all of a sudden you're asleep and you wake up the next morning. But this, I was able to see the steps in between. You never realize how quiet it is until the power goes out in your house. Yeah. You know when the power goes out in the neighborhood

70:13and the power's out everywhere, that you hear things go off and there's that dead silence that you don't get any other way. Well, the tank is that times a million. The tank is that with your body. It shuts everything off. everything it's one of the things that I always talk about I talk about it on this podcast all the time I talk about it in interviews all the time and the thing that I always say is that I'm I'm always shocked that people don't do this I'm always shocked that people don't know about this I'm shocked that there's not one of these on every corner that people aren't having these things put in their house they have jacuzzis put in their house why don't you have an isolation tank do you not want to be happy do you not want to think do you not want to relax some people are running like hell from their own thoughts that's too dangerous

70:57dangerous too much work man that's too much work it's more work to to run from your shit than it is to face your shit you know and there's no facing your shit like facing your shit in that tank yeah when there you can't hide behind any bullshit when you're in there you're you're there's no distractions there's nothing you get right immediately to the whatever was fucking with you yeah anything and then once you get good at that then you become a jedi yeah you become an astral traveler you get in there and you you learn how to how to really let go just lock in quick uh-huh i can lock i lock in within 15 minutes i'm gone yeah i i settle in i it always the the thing is you always got to get your body to relax there's always yeah yeah so much tension carrying around in you you don't realize how much tension you have in you until you're in a zero gravity environment

71:45and you realize you're holding yourself yeah you're like pulling yourself in like your back and muscles are pulled in your arms are pulling you don't even realize you're doing this you're like fighting the world all the time. But when you get in there and then all that shit goes away, then about 15 minutes in, once the breathing stabilizes, then I go. Then I'm gone. Then I'm off in the land of wild hallucinations and fucking vivid dreams and lucid dreaming and flying and communicating with entities and having things explained to you in gigantic three-dimensional numbers from an alien planet that are rotating around you and some big holoscope that's like a hologram that's shaped like the planet Earth. I was watching the universe being explained to me in letters that were from another planet that were spinning around, that were three-dimensional, and it was all being orchestrated by these aliens.

72:37And it made sense to me while I was watching it. I was trying to figure out their code and their pattern. This is, okay, so this is how the whole universe works. It all works by this one thing, and then everything goes into another thing, and that goes deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper. That's how crazy the tank is. Why is that not everywhere? Well, I mean, there's other ways to get there, too. Not there. There ain't no other ways to get there unless you're doing drugs. Exactly. That's kind of where I was leading to. But even those are better in the tank. Yeah. You think you know what mushrooms feel like? Mushrooms in the tank are a totally different animal, man. There's no distractions. That mushroom gets to talk right to you. The weed in the tank, the weed's talking right to you. There's no, oh, my ass is on the couch, and the light is hitting my eyes, and the elbow touches the seat arm.

73:23There's none of that. There's no input. There's so many powerful weapons at our disposal that people are so scared of. I mean, it's just crazy. I mean, the tank is one of them. Obviously, a huge resource, and it's easy. It's just, you know, you can't complain about anything. But then there's other, you know, shamans for years. I think the best way I've heard it described is this rad book called The Cosmic Serpent by Jeremy Narby. I've heard of that. And he says the shaman's goal is to, you know, lead you to the realm of the spirits and then allow you to defocalize. He talks about it like a stereogram. Remember those 3D images where you'd relax your eyes and the 3D would pop out? He's like, that's what you're doing when you're in that kind of shamanistic experience is you're defocalizing your body and then allowing communication to come through. But his theories are pretty amazing. These conversations are...

74:14There's people right now that are listening, okay? And there's two groups of people. obviously there's more than two but when it comes to this subject there's people who've had psychedelic experiences and people who have no fucking idea what we're talking about like literally you think we're talking about hippie fairy dust you know like this is what it sounds like wait a minute what are you doing you're tuning in to what are you tuning in to what are you tuning in to Santa Claus what's going on like there's even intelligent scientists that will have conversations and if you bring up any sort of psychedelic or any sort of psychedelic compound or altered states of consciousness, they just shut off on you. They just immediately discredit everything you're saying. Well, you're just talking about getting high and this is, well, you know. They just put it in a nice little box that they can discard.

75:01And they toss it away. But if they've done mushrooms, they'll go, oh yeah. Exactly right. They'll look at you and go, yeah, it might be that. Yeah, it might be that. I've talked to some serious, serious fucking scientists, man, and guys who have PhDs and guys who work at universities teaching schools, teaching physics courses and shit. I've talked to them about psychedelics and had some fascinating conversations where people who are way smarter than me, way more educated than me, way more experienced in the ways of the world, and they've had a bunch of psychedelic experiences, and they'll tell you, who knows what that is? Who the fuck knows what that is? That might be a billion different things. This is a pretty cool theory by Jeremy Narby, and I'll give you the cliff notes here for discussion's sake. But he went down to the ayahuasquero shamans down in the jungle and took the ayahuasca with them.

75:55And he was just an anthropologist. And for people who don't know, let's explain what ayahuasca is. Ayahuasca is two different plants. There's the actual dimethyltryptamine active plant that is part of a vine. And then somehow, out of the 80,000 species in the Amazon, they figured out there's this other... I think it's more than that. Yeah, there's this other leaf that they needed to combine with it to actually make it work, an MAO inhibitor. And so they combine this and they make it into a tea, and it's been part of the traditional religious ceremonies down there. Yeah, see, what this DMT stuff is, is a chemical that, it's the most potent psychedelic drug known to man, and it exists in a bunch of different plants, but you can't eat it. Because when you eat it, it exists in so many different things, I guess your body has some protection for it. Because if you eat grass, grass has DMT in it.

76:39Well, there's a thing that your stomach makes called monoamine oxidase, and that's MAO. So these guys figured out how to mix an MAO inhibitor that kills the MAO in their system with this DMT so that they can take it orally. Yeah. And you talk to – when they interview the guys and they ask them how they figured this shit out, thousands of years ago, by the way, they said the plants taught them. That's how they say about all the medicines that they get. Yeah. The plants taught them. So Jeremy, he took that and he was like, how could this be true? He's like, you know, science discredits it, but they prove it time and time again. They pick the shit that works. And then modern pharma goes down there and is like, hey, what does this do? And they know the answers. So how do they know the answers? You know, and so the theory is that this all comes from your brain.

77:21You know, your brain projects this stuff when you take dimethyltryptamine. But he has a different theory. And his theory goes that, you know, in all of these cultures, you see a lot of serpents when you're underneath these visions. And these serpents are often intertwined. and you can see this written in rock paintings in Aboriginal Australia and all over the place. The vision of the serpent, he calls it the cosmic serpent, is everywhere. And what he's saying is that's actually a vision of a person's DNA, of DNA in general, not just the person's, but the DNA of life. And that you're actually, when you're in that level, you're communicating on a microbiological level with DNA, which connects everything. think it's kind of like the navi avatar principle where everything is connected by the universal language of dna and the defocalization of the ayahuasca allows you to communicate with the dna

78:11so that the plants talk to you that there's visions and wisdom from everything that comes and the synthesis he's able to get i mean there's actually dna emits and one of the ways you say they communicate is dna emits actual light and emits photons dna itself will do that it's too dim and it's too small when you isolate DNA by itself, but it'll emit a certain amount of photons. So all of these theories that you're beings of light and whatever and everything is light all sounds like you said, like hippie stuff or whatever, but it's cross-culturally people say this. Well, when you do DMT, that's what you see too. You see beings that are made out of light. Right, exactly. And he's saying that's the DNA. The DNA is the substance of life. It's the interconnected substance of life. And that's basically the collective unconscious. And that's how all different life forms. Man, you're just on drugs, dude.

79:01I see what you're doing, man. You blew my mind. You're just trying to fucking. There's always the cynic that steps in. Yeah, that's good. This is what you got. You got chemicals interacting with your brain and you go loopy for a few hours while your body tries to normalize the poison you've put in your system. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What you are, okay, is just another religion, man. You're just believing some more wacky shit. and all that ever tells me is that dude hasn't done DMT. That's all it tells me. If you're talking shit about doing DMT, for sure you haven't done it. Because once you do it, you go, oh, whoa, really? Really? Changes the game. And these guys have been doing it for thousands of years. And people go, what if they're so fucking smart, man? How come they don't have TVs or cars? They don't have paved roads? because if you were doing DMT all the time, you wouldn't give a fuck about TVs.

79:55TV ain't shit compared to being able to communicate with the afterlife, you fuck. You know what's funny? I can fish. I'll go get a fish. It takes me an hour. I cook. I know I have food. I'm done. I'm going to do some more DMT, all right? The ayahuasca, they call the ayahuasca the television of the forest. That's what they call it. That is where they go to see the crazy shit. Here's an interesting point. They brought some ayahuasca back from Brazil I believe this was in the 50s, and when they first recognized it as a psychoactive substance, they were going to call it telepathine because it allowed groupthink and allowed telepathy. They were going to patent it as telepathine, but they didn't realize that one of the active compounds in it had already been identified, and that was harmein. And because harmein had already been identified, because of the rules of scientific nomenclature,

80:48the thing they were naming had already been named. So they couldn't call it telepathy. But that's what they were going to call it. They were going to call it telepathine. Like, whoa, that's the active ingredient. Something that allows you to have telepathy. This is like scientists are fucking writing this down. That's nutty shit, man. It sounds so woo-woo, Deepak Chopra, yoga beads bullshit. It sounds so fucking dumb. To me, it sounds dumb. But I know it's real because I've done it. That's how crazy DMT is and ayahuasca and mushrooms and all these things that people just automatically label as silly. These are life-changing, reset-button-pressing motherfuckers. And everybody's like, oh, what are you doing, mushrooms, man? But here's an honest question. Do you talk about DMT every day? Is there days that you don't talk about DMT? Sure, not at all. It's so amazing that it's just flooding your mind.

81:37You can't talk about anything every day, man. But I think about it every day. Do you think about it every day? There's always a moment where I'm in the shower by myself, and you go, oh, yeah. So you don't think that's kind of crazy? It's not crazy. It's like if you were picked up by God and taken a magical mystery tour for three hours in a spaceship above fucking Pluto, you would be remembering that shit all the time because it was the most extreme experience a human being could ever possibly have. But I've felt that in drugs where I'm like, this is the most amazing thing in the whole entire world, but I don't think about it. It's not like that. It's not like that. Yeah, sometimes the integration. It's not like that. It's not this was the most amazing thing in the world. It's not like that at all. It's that this is even possible is impossible. That this exists is mind-blowing.

82:17That this reality seems realer than the reality that I live in every day. The fact that there's something that feels like it's communicating with you and it's giving you a message that you're connected to everything and that it's a gigantic illusion created by your biology to keep you alive and to make you sustain this other world that exists in your dream consciousness. I mean, they communicate this shit to you and it makes sense And whatever it is, is seized right through you and communicates only with love and is showing you impossible to believe images and visuals. And at the end of it, when it's all over, you're changed forever. You can't go back on that. You can't go back. You wouldn't want to, but you couldn't anyway. But you've got to make sure that whatever you get out of that, you can still talk to people. That's what I was saying. It's too much of anything. You don't want to lose your grip.

83:10Yeah, you don't want to get slippery. You can get slippery. You could get... You know, there's a guy that I know that's a tattoo artist that's done DMT like a hundred times. And I have hung out with this dude, and he did Eddie's arm, you know, Eddie's sleeve. I don't want to say his name, just in case he doesn't want people knowing. Anyway, dude has got this fucking sniper stare. He's got this look in his eyes, man. Like, he's just been over there just a few too many times. like he can't ever quite step back into the real world like every corner he turns around there's fucking dmt elves staring at him from behind the counter like he's just been there too many times man he's had some very interesting he doesn't talk about it that's a weird thing i think when you when you when he does talk about it but he doesn't go into depth like me like i'm just yapping about

83:59because i haven't done it in years it's still fresh in my mind yeah does it start like off like i'm talking about it a lot and then you start peeing your pants and then you start seeing it When you talk about it, you start seeing it again. You know, like little flashbacks will pop in your head of things that happened. Not flashbacks like you can't see or you're hallucinating, but just like, oh, yeah. Oh, okay, that happened. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Just it makes you think about it again. There was one experience that I had with a traditional shaman out in the desert here in the U.S. And she took me out. A girl shaman? Yeah, a female shaman. That's hardcore. Right. This is where the music starts. But anyways, I fasted, did the proper traditional preparation, and I drank a substance. I think it was some kind of mushroom and other traditional plant-based substance.

84:51And what I got from that has totally changed my life forever. At that point, I was able to lift from my body, lift from it, look down and realize, oh, wow, this is just a vessel. It's useful. It's wonderful. It allows me to flow through this world. but it's not the end of, it's not the be all. You know, like there's a separation, there's a distinction between body and spirit and from then, the fear of death evaporated for me and it's just, it would just be a shame. Like I certainly don't want to die. I love life. Life is fucking rad but the fear of it is gone. It was just a hallucination, man. You were on mushrooms, you were hanging out with a hot shaman girl trying to get some pussy, got a little carried up in the moment, you went a little Barry Manilow. Jesus just put him on your shoulders, man. It could have been Jesus. You ever think of that? Do you know the book of the sacred mushroom and the cross?

85:43You ever heard that story? I've heard a little bit about it. John Marco Allegro, who was one of the head scholars of the Dead Sea Scrolls. He was in charge of deciphering it. He spent 14 years working on the oldest version of the Bible by far. And what he decided after 14 years, he wrote a book about it, that the entire Christian religion was a gigantic misunderstanding. And what it was initially all about was psychedelic mushrooms, and fertility rituals. And he said, this is what the whole Christian religion was initially all about. And he has this fucking book dedicated to it. I don't know. I can't follow it. I don't understand ancient languages. I have no knowledge of it. But just the fact that this guy was this really well-respected scholar and he came to these conclusions. I mean, of course they were doing drugs. The drugs were around. Mushrooms have been around for thousands and thousands of years. What?

86:33We're the first ones to figure out you can eat it? People back then ate everything they could They ate everything The reason why we know shit's poisonous Is because dudes ate it and died And they said alright he ate that he died Don't eat that You eat that You try eating that Because if there's a lot of this shit around If this is edible It's good it's good The apples are good let's eat the apples That's how they figured out how to do things They ate everything bro They ate it all They knew what was good and what was bad And if mushrooms were around And they were People were eating them And if people were eating them They were seeing God And if they were seeing God They didn't want anybody else in on the action. So what did they do? They hid all their fucking knowledge about these mushrooms and these rituals, and they put it in stories, and they put it in fables and parables, and they just twisted it all up.

87:15So it was just a little bit different. Yeah. Fascinating. That's the fucking forbidden fruit is a mushroom, man. That's what it is. I mean, there's an ancient fresco in France. There's this ancient painting, rather, and it's on this wall. It's from fucking thousands of years ago, and it's Adam and Eve with a mushroom tree. There's Adam and Eve with mushroom caps all around them. I mean, it is the fucking forbidden fruit. Sure, and it's been squashed because if you take that, that's a direct link, I feel, to God. I'm both a spiritual person and kind of a deistic believer in the universal God force. But so you take away mushrooms and then you insert people, and people get to absolve you of your sins. It gives them power. You build them giant structures. They get to wield money, power. And if you look at the history of the Catholic Church,

88:02women as well, especially in the Middle Ages and the Renaissance, going through there. And so they've inserted themselves and then removed the other mechanism to get there directly. So they've become the intermediaries at a certain point. I wonder how much of that is true, because there's a lot of speculation about where they lost the way and what it was really all about. I wonder how much they let the common people know about it even back then. Maybe it was something that the elite found out about it, and they tried to protect the information even from the common folk. But there also might have been a question of climate change, too. Terence McInnes had some ideas about that, and he thought that with global climate change, which is very cyclical, happens all the time, a lot of times the climate will be inhospitable for mushrooms. It changes.

88:46So instead of getting mushrooms all the time, now they can't get them anymore. And so then the culture completely changes and becomes more of an alcohol-based culture. It starts off, they start using preserved mushrooms in honey, because we know they've been preserving things in honey for thousands and thousands of years. And then you deal with fermentation, because honey can become a psychoactive substance on its own. It can become mead when it becomes fermented. It becomes like an alcohol. And so then they go into an alcohol culture, and then before you know it, the mushroom ideas are gone. All the love and all your fellow man, that shit's out the window. And now everyone's just drunk and raping. you know it's interesting it's fascinating shit man you what you always got to wonder like how did we get to be who we are now like what was it like could you imagine if you could go to like

89:361400 bc and just go hang around england and see what the fuck was going on in france and see how people were living in europe you know how trippy would that be man that'd be crazy whoa that would be the strangest fucking thing. To be able to go back in time, even just in an invisible, impenetrable capsule. You could just stand there in an invisible phone booth in the middle of a town and you get to watch. They can't walk through the phone booth. It looks like a tree. They can't touch it. I've always been fascinated by that moment before battle. Where you know you have an axe or you choose between an axe, a morning star, and a sword. and you're like, what am I going to use that's going to maybe make me survive? How good is my armor? Not as good as that, dudes, but I'm going to rock it anyways. Just feel that. MMA gets an approximation of that and that's I think

90:30why people love it so much because it's the closest we got, but it pales in comparison to that. To that moment, you're with all of the people in your country and perhaps the horde that's coming is going to rape your girl, kill your children, put them into slavery. Smash their head on rocks. You just got to fucking hold the ground. How is that? We don't even know what that's about. We have no idea. And they did that forever. Forever. That was such a part of the human birthright. But how much of that shit is still in our genes? And how do you shut that shit off? All of it. Yeah, right? The human hardware is so retro. It still goes on, though. Any war, you're doing the same thing. What kind of missiles does this guy have? Of course it goes on. War is different now. Yeah, it's totally different. In person, it's so impersonal. Have you seen Call of Duty? It's pretty good. I mean, yeah, it's intense.

91:21Our soldiers are certainly brave. Brian just said, have you seen Call of Duty while two wars are going on overseas? Have you seen Call of Duty? That means it's all ground game. The game is pretty much ground game. It's like going into war and seeing explosions and stuff like that. That's still going on for sure. That is going on. You know what else is going on? Drones. Drones are allowed to go into places we're not even really at war with. Like in Pakistan, we're not really supposed to be at war in Pakistan. But we got spaceships that are working on remote control from Nevada. They're remote controlling them from Nevada and jacking dudes in Pakistan from the air. They probably have iPhone apps for controlling. Just tilt it, man. You can tilt it. Destroy that person by just hitting. Dude, it's like that movie.

92:06Do you remember that movie where the dude got really good at that video game and then the aliens came and recruited him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Remember that shit? remember that shit star something star fighter star fighter was that it star fighter i just remember because his name was rogan his name was alex rogan and you know dude i mean they're doing that with kids that get really good at video games man kids get real good at video games you guys are awesome the army has a high score and then people burst in your door why wouldn't you man excuse me son why not take some thought about this the army has a video game that's tracked so they can track the top guys i bet those top guys get knocks on the door once in a while Would you like a million dollars? Could you imagine? You weigh like 80 pounds and you're in your underwear. You're like, I don't like killing things for real.

92:49I just like to play your game. Can I go back to playing your game? You put some poor little 13-year-old like, five more years, you can join us. You can play that game for a living. What do you think, pal? What do you think? Get you all the hookers you want. Take some poor fucking kid who's just awesome at the army game. Yeah, it's scary to remove that personal side to killing. I mean, it's just a totally different paradigm. Well, we were talking before the show about these guys that have been caught in Afghanistan that are U.S. soldiers that have been killing civilians and taking home little trophies. They've been playing like a game, just jacking people and killing people. It's just they get too used to killing people, man. It's too used to killing people and too used to being in a place where everyone resents you and they don't want you to be there. you know I always for the longest time

93:35I always would look at like politicians and go how much say do they really have how much say does the president really have and what the fuck is going on over there or is he just a dude with a job just like all of us is it just all bullshit once you get in there you know and I used to look at Bush and when Bush was in Iraq and I used to say is this motherfucker responsible for all these people dying is he responsible for all this talk about weapons of mass destruction, or is he just some dude who's got to do this job? And I remember when he was standing in front of those people and that dude took off his shoes and threw them at him. Do you remember that shit? I remember that. And he ducked, and then the dude threw it again, and he ducked again, and he had a little half smile on his face. And I'm like, that guy's just a spokesman. That's what I got out of that.

94:20I looked at that, and I'm like, that is just a dude with a very difficult job that's not all that bright and has some ideals and got stuck in this situation. Yeah, he's got to say we're going to war, but there's a machine behind that motherfucker. He's not running shit. I'm looking at him ducking those shoes, smiling. I'm like, that guy doesn't have a care in the world. He's not worrying about what happened in Iraq. No, he's just an employee. Perhaps it's not his responsibility, really. Is it? Who knows? Who knows? I think Alex Jones would have a theory on that. That was my favorite part of the whole Bush administration was when that dude threw his shoes. It was the first time I liked him. The first time I liked Bush, I would get angry. I'm like, this motherfucker's just making up words and all this bullshit. Then I thought about it. I'm like, that guy probably gets like four hours sleep a night.

95:06What would I be saying if I was speaking to all these people? I'd be making up words too. I'd be stumbling. I would fuck my words up. Everybody fucks up. You know, Obama said something about there being 48 states. I mean, he fucked up the states when he was running. You know, people fuck things up all the time. You're not thinking. You're tired all the time. You're on this campaign trail. They don't. He's not running shit. I learned. So you like Bush? No. I mean, he's probably all right. He's probably not a bad guy. Everybody's like, he's the demon. He's the devil. I bet they believe that you're really a president until they get in there. You know? Seems like that. I think once you get in there, they open up these doors, and you get to see the gears of the universe run. You get to see the gears of our whole system and the fucking, well, if we stop the war, we don't have the oil, and society's going to fall apart,

95:53and we're getting to a point of overpopulation. That's why we need these feedback camps and we have to make sure that if something goes down, we have enough caskets. Whoa. Now about you cutting taxes. Oh, fuck all that. Yeah, fuck all that. Fuck all that. Exactly. We're going to need some money, dude. We're going to need some money. We've got some shit going on. We've got to come up with an alternative fuel. We have exactly two years worth of fuel left and then people start eating people, okay? What the fuck happens when you get in there, man? Yeah, I was a big supporter. I was a big Obama fan. And I thought, you know, maybe I don't, I'm not, I'm a libertarian, so I'm not Republican or Democrat. But I thought, this dude is smart. He can hoop. He's got a good family, it looks like. Right. He'll get in there. Yeah. He can play a little basketball. Hey, you say that, I appreciate it. I saw him play pool.

96:37I go, this guy's got a little bit of a stroke. A little bit of a stroke. It makes a difference. Obama can get out. He'll eat four balls on the table. Obama might get out on you, man. I played Halo Reach with him. Yeah, right. What if he just started playing Halo? He's a regular dude. That's what I want. I don't want some fucking child blood-sucking dragon like Dick Cheney in office. Dick Cheney can't play pool. He's too busy killing people. You think Dick Cheney ever learned how to play basketball? No, his heart explodes when he tries to tie his shoes. Fucking guy's had 150 heart attacks. He ain't playing shit with you, and he's got no sense of humor. I can recognize him and relate to him more than anyone that has ever been president before. I was like, well, here's a guy who's only a few years older than me, and he seems like a normal dude.

97:18you know like Kanye West he calls him a jackass like yeah fuck yeah when he kisses his wife it's like oh yeah he kissed his wife yeah like that bullshit yeah is it quail that tried to do that or it was Carrie oh I don't know all of them all of them Edwards is my favorite yeah that fucking swarmy douchebag busted you cunt you fucking fake cunt yeah there's all of them man it's like you You can't, it's like, it's impossible to be honest. It's impossible to do it. They won't let you get in. You got to be full of shit to get in. I thought Obama was the first guy that wasn't full of shit. I was like, well, he seems like I can take a chance with him. I was backing him. I don't think he can do anything. I think you get in and it's just a fuck. I think he's just stalemated. Yeah. You get in and it's just like, what the fuck? Lobbyists and fucking Congress and this and that and layers and red tape and chaos

98:11and war and heroin, heroin, heroin, heroin, heroin coming in by the fucking boatload. Wait, wait, wait, what's heroin doing? It's just like the Afghanis need to make a profit, in other words, support this war. You know, we were talking about that on the Alex Jones show, and we were talking about that before the show, that there was a Geraldo Rivera was in Afghanistan talking to this fucking soldier, this guy who has a family who is supposed to be defending his country. And meanwhile, where is he? He's in the poppy fields, protecting the poppy fields for the Afghani farmers. Because in order for the Afghani farmers to support the fact that we're over in Afghanistan dropping bombs on your moms, we have to get this guy's approval. And we have to allow them to keep producing their illegal crop of heroin.

98:55So we have American soldiers that are guarding Afghanistan heroin so that we can go over there and blow shit up. Whoa. God damn. What do you do if you're Obama? What do you do? What the fuck are you going to do? How are you going to fix that? It's tough. But I think they figured out that his approval ratings were dropping as the economy was tightening up. And so they're like, oh, fuck it. Let's just push some more money out into the system. Push the ball up, and then it's working. If I thought that heroin was helping the economy, I'd say sell that heroin. Who the fuck is buying heroin? Retards. Why is oil still, at least in California and most states right now, still cheaper than it was five years ago? years ago. You mean when Bush was leaving office and they had a fucking grab? That's what it was. Don't you think right now it should be ridiculously high, especially after that spill and stuff like that?

99:49Well, did you just realize, or just hear rather, they underestimated Iraqis oil reserve by 25%? There's 25% more oil in Iraq than they thought there was. Oh, shit. Party on. Oh, shit. Gonna get that closet, son. Fuck a V8. You know, listen, man. Who the fuck knows? I think they just jacked up all the prices so they can pay for new plasmas on top of all the fucking oil. Have you gone to the gas station? There's nice plasma TVs and everything like that. I'm like, where does this come from? Oh, yeah, $5 a gallon last year. I wonder actually how that works. I think actually how it works is – I mean they're all in bed together obviously. But I believe it's the distributors that set the price and then these oil companies. He's like, there's a place up the street. It's owned by these Hindus that I go to. And they have the OM on the door. I'm like, this is the oddest place ever. They sell weed pipes there.

100:45They sell weed pipes and incense at the counter. I'm like, this is the oddest place ever. You guys sell petrochemicals. You sell the real problem, the reason why we're in war, the reason why we pollute. And it's all coming out of this hole right here. Meanwhile, you got the OM at the door. So I don't think it's them setting the price that are putting the plasmas. I think it's the companies that sell it to them. It's all very complicated. Free market speculation handles a lot of that. I mean, when oil price was dropping, there was big deflationary pressures at the same time. Gold prices were dropping. Things were priced because nobody had any money. The speculators weren't able to buy the gold. They were pulling their assets back out into cash, et cetera. But now things are a little bit looser, and these commodities have value.

101:25They're more worried about inflation now because Obama's pushing, just shoving money into the system. So in an inflationary time, then these commodities have value. So now we're seeing oil rising. We're seeing gold pushing to $1,300. Right, but what was the big – there was one big jump where it went up to like $5 a gallon. What was the cause of that? I think at that point it was a massive inflationary concern that there was just – Really? That money was going to lose its value. And that caused the oil to go up in price? Yeah. When it goes up a barrel, does anybody know? You don't know either, do you? Brian has no idea. I think it's like $85 a barrel. Brian will tell you, it's ninjas. It's ninjas at the price in Japan on friendly dolphins. I mean, there's certain supply and demand factors involved in the oil as well specifically. But on a macro level, I mean, it's all about generally inflation.

102:16It just seemed very suspicious to me that it was the end of the Bush administration, an administration that was clearly under the influence of big oil. And then at the very end of the administration, everything just gets jacked up to the roof. It was to pay his tab, you know? It was to redline. They were going to redline as much money out of the system as they could until the new administration came into play. Sure. You know? How much control does the president or the administration really have on how that kind of stuff works? Do they have any? It's all got to be set up. There's no way they're going to let some new dude come in every four years and just rerun shit. Like, why would we do that? You know, the career guys at the very top of the heap, they've already, eh, we got this. We got that. You know? Well, OPEC supposedly sets how much available reserves there are and kind of does that. But how much is it?

103:02All of that is some speculation. Who knows how much they know and what they're doing. But it's an interesting game with a lot of money at stake. When you have that much money at stake, you could be fucking sure that people are trying to figure out a way to fuck it. It's pretty amazing what it's done, though, because if it wasn't for oil, there would be no plastic. There'd be no computers. There'd be no nothing. All the shit that we make today, everything. No flashlights. No flashlights. Fleshlight is actually made out of oil This shit has to come out of the ground As oil before you can fuck it Mostly mineral oil Food grade mineral oil And food grade mineral oil comes out of the ground Just like oil Where does mineral oil come from? I think it actually might Does it come from minerals? I should probably know that It doesn't come from fish Can you make a fleshlight out of fish oil? That would be nasty.

103:56That would be more realistic. Dirty fucking yeasty fleshlight. Maybe some dudes just miss stinky pussy. The only time they got laid is by sluts and just drunk pigs that didn't wash their snatch. And that's what they just get me a hat on. I got to smell it a little. There's a product that came out actually called Vulva. And what they've done, they sell it for 40 bucks. I'm gagging already. They sell it for 40 bucks. And it's like a little perfume vial that supposedly smells like pussy. No, it doesn't. Yes, it does. No, don't say that. So, you know, obviously being in the business, we ordered some. And we passed it around to smell. Oh, God. And it doesn't quite get there. But what it kind of smells like is like. A cat box? No. No, it's way closer than that. It's like post-condom sweaty sex. Oh. Sweat and rubber. Yeah, it has that tinge of chemicals. And dick cheese. Like this? Like this? Oh, God.

104:55Why would anybody want to sell Stinky pussy smell? I don't know We used to scent ours with The nice vanilla scent But now all fleshlights come on I always wonder how much of fart porn Is just for show I think it's definitely for show Girls are farting in dudes mouths And they're beating off Is that for show? Or is that just dudes who are Really over the deep end? What is that? I think with all these fetishes someone out there likes it at least one guy out there loves everything you know what I think it is I think all of these fetishes whether they're feet or whether it's shit I think someone's mommy was like that's disgusting don't you ever fart and they just hammer them with this repression and this repression gets all twisted up and then all of a sudden all they want to do to get a boner is fart on somebody because they've been told by their mother so many times farting is disgusting don't ever fart

105:48and I think it's the same with feet Like, hide your dirty feet Your dirty feet They stink, blah, blah, blah And really kind of Victorian parents are doing And all of a sudden, all they want to do Is see someone getting jerked off by a girl's feet So what's your fetish? I don't have one, really What's yours, Brian? Hot girl, I don't know My beautiful girlfriend What's yours, Brian? Do you have a fetish? Oh, I have a lot of fetishes Really? Yeah, totally Like what? Definitely boobs bite out Well, that's not a fetish That's called being a dude No Every guy's in his boobs I'm not really No? You don't care about them at all? No, I'm really a butt guy You're a butt guy? Butt is definitely more important I appreciate what they do to the feminine form I can aesthetically value them But as a sexual object Very low on the list Yeah, I agree Well, I don't say they're low on the list But they do not compare it to the ass

106:38The ass is critical It's very important Because a girl can have a tremendous ass And really be like an A cup And she's hot as fuck It doesn't matter You look at that ass like god damn yeah but a girl with big tits and a really flat ass it's just like if the butt had nipples i would agree if the if an ass had nipples i would agree could you imagine though if an ass had nipples if an ass had nipples you would agree that you don't want a flat one no i'm just saying for fetishes if you combine boob and ass that would be like the best you're trying to do a mashup yeah i want to mash up a fetish fetish mashup the remix yeah it's you know guys.