Matt Fulchiron (Part 1)

00:02The Joe Rogan experience. Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. The full charge. The full charge. By the way, I have spoken to the actual Nick Diaz himself, the man in that Train by Day video. Yeah. And he's going to do the podcast. Nice. Allegedly. Nick, he's a free spirit. He might change his mind. Right, right, right. Like your free spirit Duncan Trussell, buddy. Yeah, well, no. Well, Duncan had a very legitimate reason, 100% legitimate reason that he couldn't podcast today. That's all good. Raining in mini-coop. No, no, no, no, no. It's 100% legitimate. But it's a personal reason, and he'll be on Tuesday. People used to mistake us for one another back in the day. Well, that's weird. Back in the late 90s. Because I never have. You know. What is it? The glasses? I think it was the nose, and we both got big teeth. When I saw him, I'm like, that's my brother from another mother. Really?

00:57I mean, you get older, you start to look different. It's not the same thing anymore. But when I met him when we were both younger, and someone has called me a Duncan Trussell-looking motherfucker before. That's a quote. That's a quote. Was this the guy that knew you were a comic? Yeah, this was Fat James. I don't know if you knew Fat James. Of course I knew Fat James. I was very sad when he passed. Yeah. I miss that guy. He was a sweetheart. Yeah. Fat James from the comic store. He called himself Fat James, folks. Sure. He would put his hand out and say, Fat James. Hi. Fat James. Yeah. Pleased to meet you. Yeah. He would literally call himself Fat James. He was a fun guy to be around. That was his hook. He was great. I'm fat. Fat James' story was, he came home one night. He was fit. I guess he was in the military, right? Wasn't he in the military? I didn't know him that well. Oh. Wasn't he in the military?

01:44Do you know, Brian? I don't remember that part. He was either a cop or he was in the military. One of those. Anyway, he was fit. Uh-huh. He was like a healthy guy. He came home and caught his wife fucking his best friend. Okay. And just went off the deep end. Just started eating. Huh. Yeah. That was his story. Being beautiful didn't work for him. I mean, you know, his wife cheated on him. Well, I don't know if he was ever beautiful. I don't know how beautiful. Dude. What his potential for beauty is. Yeah. He was a good guy, though, man. He was a really good guy. He was a fun guy. Always around the store. He still, what did he do back there? He worked for the store for a while. He knocked the door for a while. He had that East Coast flavor. I'll tell you what, dude. He was fucking funny on stage, too. Yeah. I saw Fat James have some funny sets. He was ridiculous. Did a couple stints on Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Did he?

02:33Absolutely, dude. He had some, he started getting some acting work after a while. Here, is this him trying to get on this bull? What? They're trying to put him up on a mechanical bull. Oh, my God. Great hair. He's so big. One flip and he's down. Remember him taking a shower? He plopped his, his, oh, God. Oh, that's so hilarious. Ow. You know way these two bitches just hit me over the head with nunchucks. Oh, this is so funny. Got change for a bump? Why me crack it? Why me roll? Why me crack that soldier boy that Superman? Is that Jimmy and Joey? Yeah. It is. I want me you. Crank that soldier boy. Wow. All right. Take it off. I'm getting nostalgic, man. You know, I've actually been Jimmy in the Jimmy and Joey phenomenon. Just once. Just on a whim. The Jimmy and Joey what? For those that don't know, Jimmy and Joey is like a, it's like a double Andrew Dice Clay. What is this? Do you know what it is?

03:36Like the Sklar Brothers version of Andrew Dice Clay? You remember Jimmy and Joey, don't you, Joe? Yes. It goes back and forth. It's like, how come Italians don't like Jehovah's Witnesses? I don't know. Why don't they like Jehovah's Witnesses? Italians don't like any witnesses. They just go back and forth with the setup and then they hit the punchline. Yeah, I remember those guys. I remember those guys. So there was always different Jimmys. Fat James did. And at one point, I was a Jimmy. Fat James was a Jimmy. Oh, I get what you're saying. So you played a character in the show. So it was a show. I just did it once. Oh, that's funny. So they use like, they have fake names. Well, yeah, there's a fake. Well, the original Jimmy was really named Jimmy. That's a fascinating subject because I know that guys have sold their acts to other people. Like, remember that guy who had Defending the Caveman? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

04:23Broadway thing? Yeah. What was that guy's name? I don't know his name. Hold on a second. Because he was a stand-up. And really a fascinating story because he made a ton of money off this show. Yes, he did. I'm sure he did. He was a stand-up and he put together, like, he put a stand-up together in the form of like a one-man show. And it became very popular. Rob Becker is his name. But then he started like selling it to people that they could do it, like actors. So they could all do it all at once all over the country. Yeah, Michael Chiklis did it. No kidding. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No kidding. I'm almost positive. Hold on. Let me pull this up. Otherwise, he'll sue me. Because they're definitely doing that show in Vegas every time I'm there. But by the way, Michael Chiklis, if you're reading, I'm a huge fan. He's The Shield, right? Yeah, yeah. I love that guy. The Commish? Yeah, I'm not goofing on you, man.

05:11Did one episode of Seinfeld? Are we talking about the same guy? Yeah, Michael Chiklis. He was also The Thing in the Fantastic Four. Right, right, right. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha What if instead of you doing your act, what if Dave Attell just sold you his act? Oh, I would love it. And you would go on stage and you would do like say like a classic album, Skanks for the Memories, which is my favorite, Dave Attell.

06:03If you went on stage and just did it as Dave Attell, and that would be called the Skanks for the Memory show. Right. And you would hire an actor to do it. That's weird. It's really weird. And god damn it, I wish that was available. Don't you think though that like they're two totally different things is why it's weird. And when you turn stand up into a one man show, then you can get away with anything. Because it's a clearly defined one man show. And it's this defending the caveman one man show. Absolutely. But you know, as a comic, you can never do that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't do it because every year you have to have a new act. Right. So what's going on is that this guy figured out a way to take stand up, but like transport it into a safe zone. Right. And then just drop it off where it exists in perpetuity. Right. No more rules.

06:56And now this act can be done at the same time in all 50 states. And in a way, you get all the money from it. Yeah. So you don't have to tour as much. You stay in Vegas and do it. Right. While all your minions do it around the country. That is fucking weird. What if you started making the full charge show? Yeah. And you were showing the full charge show. You would show it in Los Angeles in select markets. Yeah. But then you would give people licenses to do it in Atlanta. First of all, all my minions would have to be called the half charge. The half charge. What do you do for a living? I'm half charge. I'm half charge. Really? So you do the full charges jokes? Do you write your own jokes? I have a lot of my own stuff. But mostly today, people want to hear the full charge. So that's what I do for now. It's not my dream. I'm basically a cover band. Yeah. This pays the bills.

07:42And then I do my own stuff at open mics around Atlantic City. But it is fascinating that in our art form, the pretentious title that you give to stand-up comedy that we all give, you're not allowed to do that. But in almost every other kind of music, people do that. Movies, music. Music, any other kind of entertainment. Like Tarantino straight up copies other movies. And it's known as an homage. Right, right. But with stand-up, it's very sacred to us. I think it's just because you don't get paid as much. That's probably exactly what it is. We're just fucking, where's my piece, bitch? We got our rules. Oh, we certainly do. Because it's not documented when we do our stuff. Not necessarily. Right. Well, you have to have, you not only have to have rules for other people, you have to have rules for yourself, too. You have to, everybody has to keep everybody honest. Yeah.

08:32Because the idea of creativity and the idea of originality and unique thoughts and the origin of thoughts, it's pretty important to us. Because it's all we have. Right. All a comic has, essentially, is what he's created in his own mind and then put to paper or keyboard and then transfers to the stage. That's all you have. Right. As a comic, that's all you have. You can jazz it up and dance with it and do all kinds of shit. But if you don't have the raw material, you don't have anything. That's why, for us, that honesty process is super important. I also think it's one of the cool things about what we do, that we have so many comic friends that we're constantly interacting with on a regular basis. Right. It's always Joey and Ari and Duncan and you and Segura and fucking Kreischer and all super cool, super honest, super above board people. Right. And so, you know.

09:27That don't even want to do something that's similar to somebody else's. Have no desire and drop shit in a heartbeat when you find out that it's too close to something else. Exactly. Just go, oh, fuck it. It's over. The last you want to hear is someone's comparing you to someone else. Also, you get to hang with and joke around with the funniest dudes on the planet. Yeah, because we all trust each other to just fuck around. Like, we all trust each other. Like, Ari was, I forget what the subject was. We were joking around about something the other day. And I'm like, dude, you've got to do that on stage. And we started, like, working on how he would do it on stage. Like, would you do it like this or like that? And when you do that, like, there's that camaraderie. You do that for each other. Like, you both have an idea or one of you has an idea and the other one tries to enhance it and help each other.

10:13That boosts us all. Yeah. It boosts us all. Like, I'll get off stage. Segura will have a tagline for me. Yeah. After you said that, like, maybe that. You're like, oh. It's so much easier to write for someone else. Sometimes. Because, like, there's no pressure on what you wrote. Yeah. And you just get to sit back and watch the other person do it. Then something pops into your head and you can just give it. Like, you don't, I mean, it's just all inspiration. Have you ever tried to write for someone specifically, though, for their stand-up? Sat down and tried to write for someone? No. Yeah, me neither. I know a lot of guys have done that, though. Like, I know there was a lot of guys that were helping Chris Rock when he was putting together one of his HBO specials. And I think DiPaolo might have been one of them. I believe Voss. Louis C.K. definitely wrote for Chris Rock. Yeah.

11:00I think because also Chris was doing so many different things at the same time and probably doing movies and shit. And I think he just liked to have all those minds to help him, you know. I think so. Go over his stuff. Which is, that's a ballsy move, you know. Have all these bad motherfuckers write cool jokes for you. I know. And also work with you creating the jokes. So you get, like, the opinions of all these expert comedians. I mean, that's a real ballsy move because a lot of comedians don't want to be judged on their performances. Right. But when you're bringing in guys like Louis C.K. to write for you. I mean, you're going to get the real deal. You're going to get, I mean, so you're going to be the most honest assessment ever of the material. Right. And, like, a bunch of masterminds, like, gearing together and putting together this perfect masterpiece of comedy.

11:43Do you personally think that's good, though? Like, I think that's weird. It's good for the project. Yes and no. It's not what I do. But I don't think there's anything wrong with it. And I think, well, Chris Rock is one of the greatest comedians of all time. And if that's how he did it, he did it brilliantly. And it's right there in the credits. Oh, 100%. He's totally. Written by such and such, such and such. I know Eddie Murphy did it on Raw. Yes. Like, Keenan Ivory Wayans wrote on Raw. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with it. What it's, you know, especially because of the way they did it, which is so above board. They let everybody know they were doing it. Right. It's not. No one hid that. And not only that, it's like, what's wrong with bringing in writers? There's nothing wrong with it. It's not unethical. It's not uncreative.

12:23Just because you're creating with other people doesn't mean you're not still creative. It'd actually be very inspiring. Yes. You know. It's a great idea. Yeah. And it could get rid of a lot of doubt. Yeah. As far as like, they're like, this is what you're doing that's good. This is, you can use this, blah, blah, blah. It's exciting. Dude, plagiarism is the problem. It's not cooperation. Right. Cooperation and paid cooperation, which is essentially what writing is. Writing for a comic is great. It sounds like a great idea. I don't do it that way, but I would. I think it's really, comedy is just really personal for me. It is. So it's like when you're involving somebody else's idea of what they think you should sound like to me, that's just gross. Well, you got to imagine Chris Rock went up at the cellar, did what he had, and then the other guys contributed. That's what I'm imagining. I'm very sure of that.

13:09And then spice things up or added or had an idea. Maybe Chris could run it out. Just so it can be the... He was getting all of his jokes from these guys. He was getting a little juice, a little here and there, a little spark. And you're getting it from hungry guys who are really good. They're out there. He's not like, hey, Louis C.K., let's talk about your divorce in my eyes. I hear what you're saying too, though. I agree with you in a lot of ways is that it's very personal. But even though it's very personal, sometimes another eye on what you're doing, they'll open you up to like, oh, I didn't even think of that. And then, oh, why was I doing it that way? Because if I didn't say that, it would open up the whole back end of it. There's a lot of times some things that your friends can see that you don't see. I know a lot of comics that actually have writers.

13:54And that to me always felt really weird because it seems like they're just actors now. Or they're just boyfriends. They have a boyfriend. They call them a writer. What if a white guy came up with those black peoples and those niggas? Hey, Chris, I got this idea. What if you started doing it? If you started doing bigger and blacker. A white guy starts doing the bigger and blacker tour and just redoes all the – well, there was a guy doing that for Hicks, man, which I thought was really weird. Yeah, there was a guy that was doing like Hicks as a one-man show. Dennis Leary? Try to pull that up. How dare you? No, the guy was doing Bill Hicks as a one-man show. God, impersonating Bill Hicks as a one-man show? Let me Google this. That's weird because Bill Hicks still isn't famous. Oh, I think he's pretty famous. Is Leary still around? Is he on a show or something? I don't know.

14:47I know they wanted Craig Gass to do a Kinnison Vegas thing. Well, he does an incredible Kinnison impression. I can't find it here anywhere. But there was a guy – I'm very positive that there was a guy who was trying to put together a one-man show and he was just going to do Bill Hicks. Like a Mark Twain sort of a thing. Sure. You could go up and do Mark Twain today because Mark Twain's been dead for a long fucking time. Right. So people are happy to see it. No one's going to know what he really was like. He'd be like, bitch, that is not how Mark Twain talks. This is terrible. This is fucking terrible. Put the pipe down. You're holding the pipe with the left. He held with the right. Ugh. God. But a guy like Hicks, like, you know, I saw him in the flesh. He didn't die that long ago. When did you see him and where did you see him? I saw him a couple times.

15:39I saw him at least three, possibly four occasions, meaning I saw him for an entire weekend. Okay. And it was all when he was visiting Boston. All right. Because he was a big, like, touring pro coming off of the Roddy Dangerfield special. And he was, like, just starting to catch heat right as I got into comedy. So I was lucky enough to be at a point where the clubs would let me come by. Right. Like, I was an open miker, but the clubs would let me in on a Friday night and I could watch God. There's no way I was working with them. You know, I was terrible. But they would let me come in and watch them. Right. The comedy connection, the way they ran it and Nick's and all those places in Boston, it was so cool. Because they had great comics would come in every weekend. You'd have guys that would come in, like, Dom Herrera. I saw him there. Right. They would all come, like, and have, like, a big name headliner.

16:34But they also had this, like, insane community of really great comedy around there as well. Right. And the way they did it is because they super supported open micers. Super supported the new talent. They knew that new talent is what becomes headliners one day. Right. And you have to nurture it. And they were, like, big about that. So when a guy like Hicks was in town, they would tell me, like, you got to see Hicks. And Paul Barkley told me. He was like, you got to see this guy. He's fucking tremendous. I go, that's the guy from the HBO special, right? And he's like, yeah, but you got to see him. Like, he's just, he's on another level. And then I remember seeing him for the first time and going, whoa. Like, guys say they don't give a fuck. But they give a fuck. Everybody gives a fuck, man. I always give a fuck. I do. I give a fuck right now. Yeah.

17:15I give a fuck when I'm stumbling through a Squarespace commercial and I can't get my fat tongue to work right. I give a fuck at the supermarket. I don't want to look dumb. Bill Hicks did not give a fuck, man. Really? I'm telling you, I saw the first guy in my life that didn't, honestly didn't give a fuck on stage. When I saw him. Because the first time I saw him, well, I saw him twice in the same time period. He came, he was at the Comedy Connection and then he came to Nick's like shortly thereafter. And I got to see him in both places. The Comedy Connection was pretty fucking fascinating. But when he came to Nick's, he went on after a guy that was doing like impressions of different cartoon animal smoking pot. Right. He had like, literally had cop donut jokes. I mean, he was a, the guy who we went on before was a funny guy.

17:59Um, he, but he was, he wasn't the same style of comedy by any stretch of the imagination. Right. It was a terrible setup for Bill Hicks. Cause it was all like really dopey, you know. Right. Base, shitty comedy. Right. All right. All right. Hicks goes on after him and just eats fat piles of shit. Just giant plates and plates of shit. And it's by the end of the show, there's maybe 300 people in this place. Maybe let's say 250. There's maybe 50 left at the end of the show. Right. He's walked the entire crowd except for 50 people. And me, Greg Fitzsimmons, and like three or four other local Boston comics that I can't remember the name. Right. And we were fucking crying. Right. He didn't give a fuck. He was doing his bits as if he was killing and they were all dying. Right. Everything was dying. Right.

18:48The crowd just did not bite except for this small core people that were in the back that were howling and the comics. Now, I just worked with somebody recently in Indianapolis who's been around for a long time. And he said Bill Hicks had a lot more dick jokes than you think. Oh, yeah. Well, he used to joke around about it. Right. You know, spice up any other topic. Just throw dick jokes in between them to keep people interested. Right. He would joke around about having to do that. Don't worry, folks. Dick jokes are coming. I've heard that. Big, fat. Yeah, I've heard that. I mean, he was a fascinating comic to me because he represents. I've had arguments with Ari about him because Ari doesn't think he was funny. Ari's a funny guy. But he's honest about it. Sure. He tells me. He goes, it's not funny. He makes really good points, but he's not funny. Right. What I disagree. I always laugh at him.

19:42I laughed at him when I saw him in 88. I laugh at it now. But what I think he represents is the first guy that started looking at what you talk about on stage completely differently. Like, he started, like, Young Man on Acid. Like, that whole bit about, what about a positive drug trip? Right, right. It was, like, really powerful, like, non-bullshit talk. Right. It was, in a way, it was, like, when he was doing, like, certain bits, he wasn't just doing a bit. He was doing a bit that plants a seed and gets you thinking about a subject differently because he's mocked it so well that whenever you try to seriously bring up the war on drugs after you've heard Bill Hicks talk about it, you seem like an asshole. Right. Right, right, right. He just had a, it was a fascinating way of mixing ideas into comedy in, I think, the most powerful way since Lenny Bruce.

20:38I personally think he's the most powerful at it because his impact is felt by, I think, a different era because of YouTube and because of the videos and the audio that's available. The Lenny Bruce stuff, if you try to go back and listen to it now, it doesn't really hold up anymore. Right, right. It's weird. You can tell why it was groundbreaking at the time, but now it's just like, huh? Yeah. It's very, like, beat poet, very, like, rambling. Hicks was on a totally different level. And Hicks did it in the 80s, too. Mm-hmm. You know, like, well, there wasn't really a need for that. Yeah. Well, it was the Reagan administration and the Bush 1 administration. People were getting by on, who squeezes the bottom of the toothpaste? You know, and no disrespect to Seinfeld. Wah, wah, wah. I can't believe. Where is that song? What's the deal? I can't believe.

21:29Whenever I think about Bill Hicks, I just can't believe he was dead and gone at 32. Yeah. That blows my mind. And when you're talking about that acid joke, that's on tape on Dangerous when he was 27. It's a brilliant joke. That's insane. Yeah. Yeah, that is insane. I mean... I don't want to show you tape of me when I was 27. Well, you don't want to see tape of him when he was, like, 17. Because he was funny when he was 17. I know. He was going up at the fucking Houston Annex when he was 17 and was good. I know. And he was... He was clean and... I mean, clean as far as, like, his delivery was clean. It was really good stuff. It wasn't the embarrassing shit that would represent you or I. No, he would get lost in... Just based on the documentary that just came out I saw a couple years ago. He would get lost in characters of his family. And, like, he was just crazy funny. Wow.

22:14And, like, he was just as good as the guys that were twice his age. Fucking pancreatic cancer. Ah! Crazy, crazy fucking disease. That's a bad one, too, allegedly. How do you get that? I don't know. Well, a lot of it is cigarettes. A lot of people believe that there's a correlation between cigarettes. Pancreas is a thing you can remove, right? It, like, does nothing? No. No. It does nothing. Brian's like, my body has extra parts, right? Can I just take it out and I'll be lighter? Brian's education is based on Operation the Board Game. Appendix, right? You can take out your tonsils and your appendix, I think. Yes, you can take out your appendix. You can definitely take out your appendix. What causes pancreatic cancer? Aside from advanced age, smoking is the main risk factor. Oh, great. A smoker is three to four times more likely than a non-smoker to acquire pancreatic cancer. Where's your pancreas at? Who knows?

23:08It's inside that body thing, cage. Like in the main part. Oh, in the main part. Like a bulletproof vest will cover it. Under the flip cage? Yeah. What the fuck, man? Cigarettes are so scary. It's in your arm. And Hicks smoked a lot of cigarettes and did jokes about smoking cigarettes. He argued for cigarettes. And pancreatic cancer got them. Motherfuckers. Well, so many, like, really talented artists have smoked cigarettes. It's weird. It's sad. It's sad in a lot of ways. Because it's like, when I see a cigarette smoker, I don't see a person exercising their freedom. I know that's what they're doing. If they want to smoke, they should be able to smoke, for sure. But that's not what I see. I see a person who's enslaved. Yes. That's what I see. I see enslavement to a habit and also to a drug at the same time. It's just another addiction. It's just another thing to do. But it kills you. It kills a lot of people.

23:58And it doesn't get you high. But it's also a weird thing that you would get addicted to taking something, lighting it on fire, and then putting it up to your mouth and then breathing it in. Like, that, just the ritual of doing that can become so ingrained in your life that it represents something like after sex. Like, people, some people like to smoke a cigarette after sex. Right. That's like a classic movie scene, right? Yeah. Where people have sex and then they smoke a cigarette. But if you really, like, what are you watching there? You're watching someone poisoning themselves. Yeah. Like, that's a weird thing to find romantic. That's a weird thing they snuck in on us and how it becomes habit. Study finds no link between secondhand smoke and cancer. Funded by the tobacco lobbyists of America. In Florida. It's in Florida.

24:41If you have a case that goes through in Florida, it might as well go through on the moon. Right. You know, it's like, they're not Americans. No. I'm tired of people saying that Florida's America. Just stop. We need to cut it out. My parents live in Florida. Don't get me wrong. I love Florida. But that shit is not America. Right. That is some crazy spot where you can't. Any studies that come out of there. Who knows what kind of coke they were on when they made that study. But you can't even trust them to vote, right? I mean, that's all fucked up. That's interesting. Yeah. Nicotine and e-cigs tobacco linked to heart disease. Hmm. Well, nicotine speeds up your heart rate, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah. It makes it work harder than it has to. Well, I've heard of nicotine being given as a supplement before, which is really bizarre, or as medicine before. I think it was for a heart issue. Let me find it.

25:26It's just like anything else. In small doses, every once in a while ain't that bad. But a pack a day, delivered through fucking cancerous smoke, it ain't so hot. Yeah. Well, a lot of stuff is like that, man. We were talking yesterday with Shane Smith from Vice about that Colombian devil's breath. It's called scolopamine or something like that. That's a dangerous drug, right? Yeah. The most dangerous drug. It's the same shit that's in those little seasickness tabs that they put on you. You know those things that you get? They stick on you. Uh-huh. And the seasickness is supposed to be mitigated by this. That's the same shit as the Colombian devil's breath stuff. But it's just like way more of it? It's just like way more? Yeah. That patch is like barely giving you a hit. They're giving you a taste. Just a taste. How do you take this dangerous stuff? Do you smoke it? Do you swallow it? Do you shoot it?

26:09What do you do? I think they can blow it in your face. And you just have it in your face and you breathe. Just breathing it in. Like having it blown in your mouth and your nose. You got it. Okay. You're done. Okay. And then you become like literally like a little zombie. They tell you what to do. Okay. They can tell you go to your bank account. Take out money from me. And people do. And like they have video of people doing this. Wow. Wow indeed. And it's the same fucking thing that you can get from these patches. These dermal patches for seasickness. And then people go don't be seasick. Yeah. Don't. You're not seasick. Concentrate on the horizon. Don't take anything else. Give me $500. Just deal with it. Just don't take those fucking things. Don't take Dramamine. I took Dramamine. Oh my God. I went into a dark, dark coma. What is Dramamine? I don't know Dramamine.

26:56It's for pussies like me that get on a boat and start getting sick. Ah. They give you Dramamine. Right, right, right. Apparently it alleviates nausea. Oh. But for me it was like a tranquilizer dart. It alleviated everything else too including your sight and your hearing. I couldn't even. Seriously my body was like this. It was me and my buddy Jimmy and luckily he didn't take the Dramamine. Yeah. And we were at the diner on the way home and I was just sitting in front of him nodding out like a heroin addict. And he's like you alright over there? You know he might have actually taken a Dramamine too. He was a lot bigger than me though. Jimmy was like 200 plus pounds and I was probably at the time I was competing so I was probably about 155 pounds and I took this one Dramamine or two Dramamines. I don't know how many they gave me but I was gone son. I didn't wake up. I didn't catch any food.

27:44I woke up to pee the next day. Really? Did you enjoy it? Did you enjoy it? No it was terrible. I took too much probably. I probably tried to take as much as he was taking. Right. I don't know what it is. I'm an asshole. If you take two I'll take two too. Right. Guys doing guy stuff. Especially that. I mean we were both teenagers. Right. Yeah. But it fucking knocked my dick right into the dirt dude. Is that a prescription drug? I think so. It might be an over the counter. I don't know. I mean the laws might have changed since this is a long ass time ago. Who knows their formula might have changed too. Right. But apparently I'm too much of a pussy to even take a drama mean. I don't fuck with drama mean. People take drama mean all the time. It doesn't do anything to them. Not me. I'm literally we're eating and I'm sitting here like this. While we're eating I couldn't even sit straight. It felt so pathetic.

28:38There's something pathetic when you've fallen asleep and someone asks you are you falling asleep? Like no. Right. Like why am I afraid to admit that I'm falling asleep? Sure. Oh yeah. When people call me I always like hey man what's up? Are you sleeping? I'm sorry. You always lie about that. There's something feminine about sleeping. Yes. It's like no. I'm a man. I'm a man. I don't sleep. That's exactly what it is. For weak bitch men like ourselves. For weak bitch men like ourselves. We don't want to admit that we sleep. I'm fixing my engine right now. I'm a man. Listen bro. I'm up at 6 o'clock every morning doing sit ups. I like to do crunches. I work my obliques. I don't sleep. I don't need much sleep. It's like if a guy's really trying to be intimidated and he says he doesn't need much sleep. Yeah. Go vote. You know four hours sleep a night and I got shit to do. I'm good. I'm good. Four hours. I'm good.

29:25Coming over the house at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. Motherfuckers asleep on the couch with his dick in his hand. Watching Days of Our Lives. With an open laptop nearby drooling on himself. Get the fuck up bitch. Thought you had shit to do. You need to sleep. Everybody needs sleep. How dare you? Sleep is the best. I think you can get by on like if you really want to have like a low level mindset. You can get by on like four hours sleep for a couple days in a row. But after that, let's be honest. Like you're not functioning very well. You're imbalanced. You get four hours sleep a night. Yeah. And you start to have weird thoughts. Your brain doesn't work properly. It needs its rest. Maybe you bro. Not me. Four hours. I'm good. You know my REM cycles are just very deep. They go deep right away. I'm confident in myself. So I go to sleep very quickly. I'm not worried about predators. I go out and I get all my work done.

30:14My sleep work. I get it done in four hours. My body is unusual. It's very Wolverine like. If I get a scratch, people can't believe. The next day I'll quick. It's healed. It's just me bro. It's just not normal. Not normal. This is the Jimmy and Joey sketch you're doing. This is the super alpha four hours a day sleep guy. That's my new character. 2013 I slept 16 hours. I don't give a fuck. You know I got a lot done. I have a new web series I'm working on right now. I'm very happy with. Built a shelf. You know we had to fight a producer. This fucking asshole doesn't see my vision. This guy sleeps six hours a day. Lazy piece of shit. It's fucking pussy. We wrap up at midnight. I'll see you guys at five. He's like no we need to turn around. Fucking turn around. I'm here to work. That's what production people are like. I've heard you rag on that before. It's insanity. They're savages. Yeah.

31:04They push people to work ungodly hours. And it's like standard in Hollywood. 14 hours is like regular. Total. Especially if you're working on a single camera drama show. Yeah. Like those like CSI shows and the like. Those. I don't know. I want to say that one in particular. But a lot of those single camera like cop shows. Those fucking people are working 16 hours a day. Six days a week. And the fucking season is forever. It takes forever to get 27 episodes of a cop show done. Just so they can be like I work in the movies. It's crazy. I know. It's for folks that work on sets. It's like there was a show that I did. This hunting show that I do. And when you want to talk about people that work hard. There's a show Meat Eater. And this dude who hosted. His name is Steve Rinella. And he's got these guys that work for him. Specifically this guy Dan Doty. And Moe who's the director.

31:51And these fucking guys are working 16 hours a day on the top of a mountain somewhere. Jesus Christ. Freezing their asses off in a fucking tent. And this is what they do every week. Every week they're flying to fucking Mexico to hunt a buffalo. Or flying to the Swiss Alps to go kill some crazy sheep or something like that. Right. They got to kill animals and eat them. Yeah. On top of all these hours. Well they don't have to do that. They don't sometimes. Like sometimes they don't get an animal at all. Really? But the thing is like these guys that are working like behind the scenes. Like the cameramen and stuff like that. The guys that are carrying shit. Like what a fucking hard gig man. I know. You know to be expected to work like that. Like wow you got to find some special fucking people that are willing to work like that. Right. Camping. We're going to go. I don't get to stop work. Like there's no stop work.

32:39Right. You're working. Right. You fucking work while you're there. When you're not working you're sleeping. You get up and everybody works again. No insomnia in production. In life. No. You're not allowed to. And they knock out the 40 hour work week in about two and a half days. And the Adderall flows like hail. It just falls from the sky. And dude just pick it up. Is there? Stuff it into the mouth. Is there a lot of that? No. I don't know. I'm just guessing. I would say that if you were working on a set of like a show that was working like crazy hours all the time. You probably need at least a strong energy drink habit. Coffee don't cut it at that point. Coffee don't cut it. Especially if you're not working on something for you. All right. If you're working on the Matt Fultron experience. Kaboom. I got energy. You know what I'm saying? Like you have a chart and you're plotting your future takeover.

33:27You know what I'm saying? I know. Half charge. You just you're figuring out how you're going to set up these one man shows. Yeah. Around the country. And keep your comedy in a time capsule and have all these people become the half charges. You're going to be fine. Right. But if you're working on like. That 70s show or something like that. Bad example. Right. You know something. Some ridiculous show. Yeah. Some show where you don't give a fuck about the outcome. Right. This is not. It's just a job. And you're there all day. And you're there all day. And you get to see whiny actors throw hissy fits and throw fucking scripts around. Right. You get to see the weirdness between the crew and the actors. And oh fucking Christ. Christ. Oh shit. The amount of time invested. Put in all that. I know. It's crazy. Because a regular person has a regular job. Like you know. You work nine. You've done five.

34:24Maybe you have some extra things you have to tie up before you leave the office. You're out of the office by six. And like that's very. That's a lot of time. And let's be honest. There's some YouTubing in there. Yeah. There's some office gossip in there. That's all your fucking employee really deserves. Right. Your employer rather. Your employer doesn't deserve your 100% of your time. Your life. You know what? Because it's your life. That shit's ridiculous. To have a job that like sucks you dry for 16 hours a day. It's almost like. It's obviously I believe that people should have the free will to do whatever the fuck they want. Right. If they want to pursue that sort of a life. But if it's not something you enjoy doing. That's a really dangerous place to put your brain. Right. The fact that. Okay. This is what we do. We do stuff that sucks for 16 hours a day where you hate it. And then you get to be free.

35:13Some people don't want a life. Or don't want their own thoughts though. Is that what it is? Some people like to keep themselves busy. And there's a little bit of that in stand-up comedy. It's like I don't want to do Valentine's Day. I got to work that night honey. Well I see. I understand what it is as far as like the production budgets. And I'm you know getting things done. If the days take longer. It takes more time. Costs more money. And so in order to fit things under budget. Or in their budget. They have to work these long hours. You know that's just what they do. Right. And that there's if they don't get a 12 hour turnaround. Like they have to pay penalties. And they pay meal penalties. And all these union penalties that they have to pay. If they. But at the end of the day. It's like why is everybody choosing to work so crazy? Like. I don't know. At the end of the day. I don't know.

35:57I understand you save a little money this way. I get it. Is there another way? There's. There is another way. It's called shorter hours. Woody Allen does it. Does he? Television does it a lot of times. Oh fuck yeah. They sit. Sitcoms do it. Yeah. By the time news radio was in it's like fifth season. We only work three days a week. Nice. Yeah. We had done two days a week. We had done one day where we got the script. And as we were going over the script. We would block and like mark where the scenes were going to take place. Yeah. And then. So we'd rehearse it. Go over it. Do one run through. And then film it the next day. Did you really enjoy doing that show? I really enjoyed doing that show. But I don't think I would really enjoy doing another show. Gotcha. Unless it was like that. Right. You know. Like that was a really weird show. Because that show. Was. I don't know how it is on most sitcoms. Because I've only.

36:45The only other one I've done is Just Shoot Me. I did one episode of that. Uh huh. And I did one episode of Mad TV. I didn't really do much other than that. But when I was on news radio. And they let us ad lib like almost every scene. That's awesome. Like almost every scene. There was something that was changed. Something that was altered. Something that was. You know. That someone. One of us came up with. On the fly. And most of the time. Orchestrated by Dave Foley. Like Dave Foley would take the script. And then he was. He was. Sort of. It was an ensemble show. But if anybody was the lead. It was Dave Foley. And it was Phil Hartman who was the big star. And then you know Dave Foley was you know kind of like. I always felt like he was like a. Like an uncredited producer really. Right. And he would like orchestrate like a lot of the scenes. And come up with fantastic lines for them too.

37:33He's a really fucking talented guy. And all the guys. That I think don't get appreciated enough. For being fucking unbelievably hilarious. One of them is Dave Foley. He's just a sweetheart of a guy. Like always has been. Right. Always been like the nicest kindest guy. And really really really fucking smart. Really fucking smart. And really fucking funny. Just such a cool dude. Always was. You know. And. And. And. I think he's doing stand up now too. Really. Yeah. That's not his background right. He's more of an improv guy. Is that right. Well he was. He was one of the guys from Kids in the Hall. Yeah I know that much. Yeah. You watch Kids in the Hall. Yeah. But after the fact. I watched it. Like after it was. You know reruns. So good. Yeah. It's such fucking good stuff. Yeah. So good. What was that on originally? Canadian television? What was that on? What? Like Kids in the Hall. Where did it originally air? That's a good question.

38:28I think it was Canadian. Yeah. I think it was Canadian TV. Yeah. And then we found out about it in America. And then those guys all came down here. But. I don't remember my original point. I just got. Production. Caught up in nostalgia. Production. It's insane. Well. The. When you were asking me. That was what it was. You were asking me whether or not I enjoyed doing it. I said I enjoyed doing it. But. The way it was done was so wild and crazy. Almost after every filming. Everybody was getting hammered. I had more drunken moment talks. With like more of tyranny. And Dave Foley. Than any other humans in my whole life. That's awesome. We had these like. And especially for me back then. Like. Oh. Such an emotional mess. Really? Yeah. Because I was. You know. My late 20s. I had just gotten into stand up. Just gotten done fighting. Just gotten into stand up. And then moved out to LA. And I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Right.

39:17I couldn't even believe I was on TV. Two years ago. I was broke as fuck. Right. Barely getting by as a comic. And then all of a sudden. I'm sitting here. With Dave fucking Foley. And Phil Hartman. And we're going over the lines. Of the show we're on. I'm like. What? Didn't make any sense to me. Right. And so. You had trouble accepting that. Or it was just like weird. Well it's just weird. Yeah. It's so crazy. And so. You know. We had these wild drunken fucking parties. After the. After the shows were done. Like. They were crazy. They were very punk rock. Dave Foley. Like really. Embraced. Some sort of. A punk ideology. For the whole thing. And. Either the producers. Like. Especially. Paul Sims. Who's the guy who created it. He wrote it. The head writer. And. He would just let. The funniest stuff go through. Like. He just wanted it to be the funniest. That's awesome. So he wrote. He wrote really funny shit. And really creative shit.

40:08And then would let. You know. Phil Hartman ad lib. Or Andy Dick ad. Andy Dick ad libbed a lot of shit. Really? Yeah. He would just. Take something. And just run with it. Right. You know. Figure out a better way to do it. Everybody was always tweaking their lines. They were always like. Trying to figure out. Like. What is this? Is it this? Or is it. And you're like. Oh yeah. That one. That one. You know. We would like. Help each other like that. I think that's a. I don't really know. But I kind of think that's a huge faux pas. On a lot of sitcoms. You respect the writers. Is this the flubs? Yeah. A bunch of bloopers. I may. I may. I may. I may. I may. I may. What may I do? Go ahead. This is unbelievable. I can't believe that I don't know this. It's so great. It was awesome. Shut up Andy. I think it'll be called Free Willy's Billy. What? I f***ed it. Free Billy's Willie. It's so hot. It's supposed to be Free Billy's Willie. God.

41:17I remember that. It's so crazy. I remember that flub. You never heard it before. We tell. We what? I don't know. That's even worse. I don't know. That's f*** for freaks. Yeah. It's funny. Fun times man. Yeah. But what he was talking about was. Or what the question was. Whether I would do something like that again. And like you'd never find a show like that. They're probably never going to make one like that again. That show went under the radar. It was like while it was on. It was so like ignored. That it was sort of allowed to be what it became. They f***ed with it a little bit. Like I know they brought in like a couple romantic characters. And they brought a woman into the office once. You know Lauren Graham. The woman from the Gilmore Girls. Is that her name? Yeah. Is it Lauren Graham? I think so. Is that her name? She's so hot. She's really cool. She was on news radio for a season. Really? Yeah. So was Patrick Warburton.

42:21The guy when you go to Soaring Over California. Is that it? Yeah. Lauren Graham. Lauren Graham. She's really f***ing funny. And really cool. Like you know a lot of actresses. They're like when you're talking to them. You're talking to your representative. Did you ever try? Yeah. Oh no. No. No. No. We worked together. She's very cool though. Very nice person. She's like fun to hang with. Like she's like she could joke around. She was lively. They brought her in. But other than that like they didn't really fuck with it. You know they kind of let Paul do his thing. And that's why it was so weird. I just. Unless you get a show like that. No. Because once you do a show like that. You realize like that's like. I went from a show before that. I did a show on Fox called Hardball. And Hardball was this like really bad show. Was it a baseball? It was terrible. It was fucking terrible.

43:09And there was a mascot that was a big baseball and stuff. Yeah. And the show was awesome and got destroyed. Okay. The guys who wrote it. Jeff Martin and Kevin Curran I believe. They were writers from Married with Children. They were writers from The Simpsons. They were really funny guys. They were really good. And they put together this fucking badass script. And the pilot was like really well written. It was really good stuff. And then as soon as the show got picked up. These guys were kind of like. They were soft spoken. Like really friendly. Really nice guys. And just kind of soft spoken. Right. And the network didn't think that they were strong enough to run a show. Like they thought you needed to be strong. So they booted these guys out. And brought in this super duper hackaricious dude. I mean he was a hackasaurus. Right. It was terrible. Like every terrible cliche in a scene. This guy would insert in there.

44:03His writing was just insanely bad. He was from that show Coach. Remember Coach? I remember Coach. Yeah. Well he had come from there somehow or another. And he had gotten on this show. And I watched the show get destroyed. And so going from that to seeing the news radio way. Which is this weird thing where no one ever got famous from the show. The show was always almost going to get cancelled. And limped into five years. Right. And didn't even get to a hundred episodes. We were two episodes shy. Oh man. Which is like almost for the show like prophetic. You know it's like that's what we are. We're just barely. But because of that. Because no pressure. No stardom. No craziness. No not too much network interference. Brilliant producer. It became this weird environment. Where there's all this ad-libbing. And all this you know re-changing of things.

44:51And very dynamic and really funny stuff that you're proud to tell someone that you worked on. Right. So once you've done that it's like it's really hard to do a shitty one like the hardball one again. Right. And most likely that's what you're going to run into. Yeah. It's hard to do. It's fucking silent movies man. That's what it is. Right. You got fake laughs and there's a scene. It's silent movies. It's hard to keep that art form alive. You know. And so you guys were riffing in front of the audience while the cameras were rolling. Oh yeah. All the time. That's so awesome. We'd riff in front of the cameras. Dave would often times change a line like on the fly. Like come up with something that was funnier. Because his background had been live performing. Right. So he knew how to come up with stuff on the fly. Is that hardball? Oh God. I remember when this was on. It was only on for like six episodes.

45:39I think we did seven but only six of them ever made it to the air. It's just they just it just got butchered. But that's what happens a lot of the time. Because in the business of TV what people are trying to do is make a shitload of money. And these producer guys they want to control everything and they want to make a shitload of money. And if they are allowed to if they get into a situation where they do it you can't be surprised that they do. And they don't know that their ideas suck. They think they're awesome which is why they have the job. So they push forward thinking that these awesome ideas that aren't so awesome actually are going to change this show for the better. Like they're not trying to fuck it up. But he fucked it up. Right. When you see stuff like that you're like I don't there's too many people. I'll just do podcasts. Yeah exactly. Too many people you got to deal with. Too many hoops.

46:23I heard Seinfeld talking about how like that was one of the only shows where they were like no we don't I think it was Larry David was like no outside influences. And he was always willing to walk before he was even anybody. Before he even had any money in the bank. Well. I don't know how true that is. I bet it's true. Initially like shows always get fucked with in the beginning. I mean unless you bring in like unless it's Martin Scorsese and you know Steven Spielberg team up together for some new miniseries. I'm pretty sure the network's going to shut the fuck up on that. But until that happens they have some say. And they want to throw their own special spice into the soup. Right. I like coriander. Right. Can we put coriander in the soup? Yes. Oh you fuck with your coriander. Go ahead throw it in there. Okay. You're watching your soup get ruined. Right. There's you know it's a business.

47:11There's a lot of people involved. It's just like anything else. It's just like the design of a car or the box that the cornflakes come in. A lot of people have their say. A lot of people have opinions. And there's you know there's a lot of weirdness going on. Right. You know as well as I do that when you're trying to create something especially if you're trying to create something funny the less shit you have coming in the better. When it comes to like outside of the creative sphere you know the less people like once you get down to a core group of very competent individuals like writers and artists are sitting together and they're trying to compile the correct way to do something. And they're working on it very hard. If they're a functional group that should be where that ends. Right. Okay. Right.

47:53And when some producers come in and all of a sudden they have line reads and they're like well why doesn't he just like oh fucking Christ. Right. You know why did you hire writers dude? Why don't you just do everything? Right. Why don't you just take. Here why don't you write a script? That happens all the time too. They'll tell a producer why don't you write a script? And a lot of producers think they can write scripts. Right. So they'll go and they'll write scripts. And then those writers will pass it around amongst their friends and fucking giggle at how bad it sucks. Right. I had that on a really small level. When I first started doing stand up I got this management group and they're like we're trying to base a sitcom around the fucking five minutes that you actually have. And every month. And it wasn't just me. It was a bunch of guys that they managed.

48:34Every month they would have these shows where they would go to and then they would give us suggestions on how to write sets that would inspire sitcoms. Wow. And I actually got pretty far down the pike with it. I had like Castle Rock and we were pitching and everything. What year was this? This was 2002. 2002. Yeah. Wow. They were still doing like a lot of sitcoms back then. There was still the development deal game back then. A little bit. Because that was the first year of Fear Factor. So that was when reality shows were just starting to take off. A Survivor was first and there was a couple of other ones. And then there was you know NBC had Fear Factor and a couple of other ones. And then it was just reality shows. Like John and Kate Plus 8 and all these other motherfuckers just spewed onto the scene. And then there was like the influx of reality shows over the last decade. It's pretty crazy.

49:22It's unbelievable. 2002 that wasn't really going on as much. It was a lot of sitcoms. Yeah. And there was that sweet sweet sitcom money. Oh sitcom money. In the air for Matt Fultron. Oh. Didn't happen. I smell it now. Smell that sweet sweet sitcom money. Everybody wanted that sweet sweet sitcom money. I know. It's not even a game anymore in a way. It's not really a game people go for anymore. Is that me? Yeah. Wow. Here we go. That's crazy. Dude. I'm 25 years old in that picture. And I like your little. You got your little beads on. You have one of these things on. No. It was a stainless or a sterling silver bracelet. Where'd you find that picture? Hardball website. Is it Jim? Is Jim? Back up and see if Jim Brewer's in there. Jim Brewer was in the pilot. He played the baseball in the pilot. Did he really? No. The mascot? I'm sorry. He played the original mascot that got beat up by the baseball. Right. He played the Pied Piper.

50:16Because I think we used to be the Pied Pipers. Then we became the Pirates or something. Right. Or we became whatever the fuck we became. I forget what the name of the actual team was. But Brewer, the funniest part of the pilot was Brewer. Brewer dancing around and getting in a fight with this fucking baseball. Wow. That's so crazy. That's an evil looking baseball right there. It's this guy right here. That looks like Garland right there. No, that's Mike Starr. Mike Starr was in The Bodyguard. He was in Goodfellas. Right. He's been in a lot of movies. I guarantee you to recognize him if you saw him. Super cool guy, man. That's the Star Trek dad right there. Captain Kirk's dad. Oh, really? To the far left. Bruce Greenwood. He was on the show, too. And that's that dude that's on that kids show. You know that kids show? Kids show. One of those really popular kids shows he plays. He's got a character on it.

51:13I catch him on Nickelodeon all the time. And there's Derek Jeter. That dude to the far right. I forgot his fucking name, man. I'm sorry. He was a cool guy, too, though. God damn it. I can't remember his name. But that was the dude that got hit in the teeth with a pipe in Russia. Did I ever tell you that story? No. Yeah. A buddy of mine, that guy, was there doing some movie. And he turned a corner and some guy smashed him in the face with a pipe. Knocked him out cold. His teeth were shattered. Ugh. Yeah. He told me matter-of-factly, too. He's a tough fucking dude. So how was Russia? He goes, well, you see these teeth? Yeah. I got him because I was in Russia. And I go, what happened? He goes, man. Turned a corner. Some dude smashed me in the fucking jaw with a pipe. Broke my teeth out. That was it. Right. No complaining and whining. You know, I was like, you know. I was traumatized. I didn't do anything wrong, man.

52:08I mean, it's like now everywhere I go, I worry someone's going to hit me. He barely gave a fuck that this guy hit him in the face with a pipe and knocked two of his teeth out. He's just happy his teeth look better now. I'm telling you, this dude barely gave a fuck. He was a tough dude. I don't know what he ever went on to do, but I do know it was a really strange thing I saw. He got something. Some sort of a new show or something like that. He got like a part in something that he was really excited about. And his girlfriend at the time, who was also an actress, started openly crying when he received the good news. And she kept saying, like, when is something going to happen for me? Ooh. When is something going to happen for me? And she's crying. Man. And I was like, wow, this poor. I felt bad for her. Yeah. That her brain works that way. I was like, this poor kid.

52:59Like, look at this crazy brain pattern she's on. Right. Weird, self-absorbed brain pattern. But that's the Hollywood way, man. Right? That's definitely the acting way. I mean, Christ. It's a lot of it. It's a lot of lottery playing. Yeah. I mean, a lot of them aren't that. The problem is, even the best are not that much bad than some guy that's doing community theater in Oakland. Right. You know? Right. It's probably some bad motherfucker that can't keep his shit together. Smokes a little bit too much. Drinks a little bit too much. But when he gets his shit together and gets a hold of a script, he could probably fuck it up. Right. But he's just never gotten the right acting fucking agent. Sure. And agency or parts. The part always goes to Colin Farrell when he gets close. Fuck it. Right. But the difference between a guy who's really good and the difference between a guy who's

53:48really famous as far as what's valuable in a lot of ways is how much better is the good guy than the famous guy? Because you've got to be a lot better. Because if you're not a lot better, I'm going to go with the famous guy. Because people go to see a goddamn Tom Cruise movie. Right. You know? So, like, they have a hard road. Absolutely. Joe, did you see this picture? So it's like all the guys sitting here. And then you're like, ugh. You're so big. Yeah. I had a fucking baseball bat with my cock out. That woman is Rose Marie. She's from, I think it was the Dick Van Dyke show or something like that. Wow. I think it was the Dick Van Dyke show. But I remember I was embarrassed that I didn't know. Yeah, I think. I've never seen the Dick Van Dyke show. It's weird. I've never seen the Mary Tyler Moore show. It's weird. Well, that's not as weird.

54:37The Dick Van Dyke show is weird because Mary Tyler Moore is really young there. Yeah. Yeah, she was on the Dick Van Dyke show. I'd never watched it. So when everybody's like, that's Rose Marie. Like, people on the set were like, that's Rose Marie. And I'm like, oh. Like, what the fuck does that mean? This is before Wikipedia, folks. Yeah. No one knew anything back then. God damn, we were stupid. In 1993, human beings were monkeys. Yeah. We were monkeys with a railroad system and a language and cars. What are you going to do? Go to the encyclopedia and look it up? Yeah, we're so much fucking smarter now. But it was interesting because after I'd met her, you know, she was getting on in age. And she's still alive. She's born in 1926. So to be able to look back and see her after I met her, then I watched the Dick Van Dyke show.

55:26And I got to look back and see her on what was like for a lot of people that were alive at the time. That was an iconic program. And so I was like, oh, now I know why these older people that were on the set were like freaked out that she was on the show. That's because like, Jesus Christ, it'd be weird to be on television if you were born and lived before television was even invented. Fuck yeah. I mean, I know you looked it up before and it was invented way back before it was common. Right. But still, it wasn't common until the 50s. Yeah. And people, they barely had enough money to buy one of those gigantic furniture things you would roll into your living room and occupy a good solid 10 square feet of space. See if you could, Brian, see if you could find the Dick Van Dyke show, like a highlight or a clip of the Dick Van Dyke show. On YouTube. Yeah. She was a very nice lady, though.

56:16She was very funny, too. She still is. I'm sure she's still alive. But like I said, man, it ain't easy for everybody. Shit. There's a lot of people that don't get a shot. The thing about acting that's kind of most fucked is, A, how many people out there would be awesome at it if they apply themselves? There's a lot of friends that we have that don't act at all, but if they really decided to be badass actors, they would be incredible at it. Right. And I think there's a lot of people that work a lot of regular jobs. If they decide to apply themselves to it, they could be awesome at actors. Yeah. But the thing is, like, getting discovered, like, the sheer numbers of fucking people that are coming here. Like, what do you think, like, if a role comes out for a movie? Like, let's just say the full charge rights of a movie. For you, I feel action, sort of hand-to-hand combat specialist. Sure.

57:10Let's go with that. Matt Fultron. Matt Fultron. They fly into Pakistan to fucking rectify some shit. Right. There's some people that are just, they can't, they don't know how to make a deal, work smoothly, and sometimes you've got to knock little heads. Right. You've got to be able to do both, and that's what the full charge is here for. I'm like Seagal. It's like the movie tells you what I am. Matt Fultron is the full charge. And I just knock out terrorists, and I fucking save the world constantly. I see that being on Spike TV in the fall of 2016, if we play our cards correctly. We gave them a little taste by talking about it here on the podcast. Let the pitch meetings begin. Let's watch this for a second. Starring Dick Van Dyke. God damn Mary Tyler Moore was hotter than her son. Rosemary. There's Rosemary. Wow. Larry Matthews. And Mary Tyler Moore. Look at this craziness. Death of the party.

58:04Just the way people pretended that people were back then is so weird. Sleep in the same bed at least. Yeah. Look at this. It's pretty sexy. Yeah, that is pretty sexy. No, they don't, man. Look at the separation between the two beds. Oh, right. Oh, my God. I'm so sad now. She's so hot, and she's right there, and he has to sleep in the next bed. That is bullshit. I bet doing it from behind was a lot more popular back then, because you had that extra gap, so you always probably just leaned her over the bed. I don't think people really lived like that, dude. No, they didn't. It was TV rules. It was just TV rules. Yeah. TV rules, they would never, because if you have people sleeping in the same bed together, you're implying that they're fucking. Right. You don't want to imply that. This is wholesome. Dick Van Dyke, his father knows best. Just wants to play golf. Yeah. That's it.

58:55Yeah, he's just trying to sneak out and play some golf. He ain't trying to fuck his wife. What he's doing right now is running from the prison warden, who tells him that he can't do what he wants to do with his life. Sushi master. God, she's so hot, though. The cute, cute prison warden. Look at it. She wakes up with her hair perfect. Amazing. She's got full war paint on, and her hair is perfect. Look at that. This is so weird, man, because this is like a time capsule. Oh, boy. That was a curse word back then. This shit hadn't been done before. We're watching some shit that, like, what happened? Hi. She took out the spark plugs. I was so proud. I dressed, I shaved, and I packed, and got out without waking you up. And you were so proud, you had to come back and tell me. Honey, I forgot my keys and my money. I'm sorry. I am sorry, honey. Look what she wears to bed.

59:57The second I closed the door, I knew I left the money. The second I closed the door, I knew I left the money. Honey, I'm sorry. Get over. It's so weird. Are you still mad at me from last night? Rob, I'm not mad now, and I wasn't mad last night. This would be a weird sort of a piece if someone decided to, like, recreate this show with the exact sort of inflection. Right. It's not, I'm inconsiderate. I mean, if I'm anything. But the only inconsiderability I'm guilty of is talking to you right now where there are three guys waiting for me to tee off. Darling, go tee off. Ha ha! Do you get it? You get that one? You get that? Yeah. That's strong. Can you imagine that at one point in time that was cutting edge? That was. I was, like, saying go fuck off. Yeah. It's really weird watching old shit like that.

60:49Did you see, I was listening to Opie and Anthony, and they were talking about the house from the future that they used to have, where it's like, in the future, we're going to have, and they were showing how much similarities of what they guessed the house of the future was. What show was it on that they had it? And it was, back in the day, it used to be at Epcot, or it used to be at Disneyland. It used to be this building you walked in, and it was like, in the future, this is what it tells you. Oh, so it was a ride? Yeah, kind of. It's like a standing ride, if I remember. I'll show you. They have the video online, but they guessed things like, you know, microwaves. They guessed microwaves? Online shopping, they guessed. Really? Yeah. Here, I'll find it. No way. Pull that up. That's fascinating. Wow. So is there anything in there that we don't have, Brian? Yeah, there was a lot of stuff.

61:37I see the wheels spinning. I see the wheels spinning, young Mr. Adventor. I can't think of anything. Full charge Enterprises. What I'm going to do is I'm going to go, I'm going to watch old shit with the predicted of the future, find out what happened and what didn't, and then pick up the pieces. Is there a mailbox that blows you? I knew it! I knew it. That's what we're doing! Gail, cancel all my appointments! Yeah, here's some photos from what it used to be. Oh, wow. And so when was this created? What year? I believe it was the 19... Where did I find it? 1957 to 1967. And it was called, believe it or not, the Monsanto House of the Future. Monsanto, you fucking rastid devil. That's hilarious. House of the Future, yeah. But I remember going to it, I think it was at Epcot when I went to it. Wow. And I'll find a video of it. The video is actually...

62:43There's a house that was, I wonder if it's still up, there's a house in the Hollywood Hills somewhere that I saw, not in person ever, but I've seen it in photos, that looks like a UFO. Uh-huh. Have you seen that? No, I've never seen that, no. I'm going to find it on Google. The Flying Saucer House. Jamie, see if you can find it or Brian. Flying Saucer House. I think it's in Hollywood. It would... But it's so wicked. It's a house, though, that once you lived in it for a little while, you'd be like, all right, this is ridiculous. Look at it. How dope is that? Right. The encounter at LAX, that restaurant? Yeah. Looks a lot like that. It's sort of like that, yeah. But this is someone's fucking house, man. Yeah, no kidding. Someone's chilling in that house. Okay, I take it back. That's uber dope. I would love to live in that. It's like living in a space needle or something. Look at this photo, dude. Look at this photo.

63:33Wow. See if you can pull that one up so that you stream people can see it. This fucking house is radical. You might even survive an earthquake or an avalanche or something in that. You might. Plus, you would be worshipped by Star Trek and Star Wars geeks. And where is this at? Hollywood Hills? Yeah, somewhere in Hollywood. John Lautner by John Lautner. He's the guy who created it. I wonder when this was built. Oh, okay. It was constructed back in 1960, but it was recently renovated. Huh. God, that's fucking wicked. The house is incredible. They're so cocky, though. Look what people do in California. They take a hill in a place where the ground moves all the fucking time. And they just stick a big spike right down the middle and put a circle on it. This will stay here. I can't believe no one lives in the Death Star or whatever. No one's recreated that to live in. You just put out a fucking awesome message.

64:31Someone's going to run with that. Make sure you finish it, guys. You don't want to leave any weak spots. Now, should they make it full size, full charge? Well, they would have to to satisfy me. So they're starting in space? What are we doing? I don't know. That's for the nerds to figure out. Get on it, boys. Seriously, though. If you're a single guy, full charge. Yeah. I know you are. And you're looking to be sly. Yeah. And you're looking to really impress a gal with where you're living. Two dozen roses? Two dozen roses at the fucking UFO house. You bring her up to the UFO house, this chick thinks you're balling. I want you to look at a view, my friend. Look at the fucking view from this place. Sweat that shit. That's so awesome. Come on. That's so awesome. That view of Los Angeles at night is a really crazy view. Have you ever seen that view, Brian? You ever been on top of Doheny? Yeah. I would go up and on.

65:19Look at that shit. It never disappoints, man. Dude, look at that fucking view. That's insane. That is an incredible picture. This house is so weird because it's just surrounded by glass because of his UFO theme. Yeah. It's kind of amazing that there's not more of these really weird, freaky houses in Hollywood. You would think there would be a lot of weird, unusual shit. Right. I guess by the time you can afford a house, you've kind of got rid of all those crazy ideas about living in a fucking UFO. Yeah. I think so. And if you do come up with a crazy plan for it, if you're an architect, then you've got to find somebody who's crazy enough to do it. You also have to find the Homeowners Association has to agree with it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's a big deal in California, right? They say no to a lot of stuff, don't they? It's a big deal everywhere.

66:06I was reading about this woman who's getting in trouble because she was in Florida, Miami. She's growing vegetables in her front lawn because that's the only part of her house that gets hit by sun. So she's growing her vegetables there. She's been doing it for like 17 years and they're trying to get her to stop. Like the city is coming in and telling a lady to stop growing healthy food on her property. It's fucking vegetables, dude. Let her have the vegetables. Like someone's going to walk by, they're going to be offended if they see a tomato plant. Yeah. Like what the fuck kind of craziness is that? Why are you telling people they can't have food up? Could she grow anything else? Yes, she can. She's allowed to grow flowers. She can grow fucking pine trees. Probably marijuana. She can grow anything she wants. Can't grow marijuana full charge. That shit's illegal, dude. Oh.

66:49That shit is illegal, especially down in that country known as Florida. Oh, oh, oh, Florida. It's a different country. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not America or California. Right. That's Cuba. This guy made his whole house. Star Trek house. Wow. And his whole entire house is just like the ship. Do you hear that? That's the sound of a million panties getting wet. That's fucking dope. Look at this guy's house. Look at his fucking, even his fireplace. He did up his fireplace. You ever seen that documentary Trekkies? Yes. Long time ago. People just dedicating their lives. Yeah, there's a lot of people that just get obsessed with anything. Whether it's World of Warcraft, being a Trekkie, being a furry. Chemtrails. Chemtrails. Anything. Everything. Did you ever see that old Saturday Night Live sketch where William Shatner's at a Trekkie convention? Oh, no. I didn't. And he just tells off all the Trekkies. I heard about it.

67:35And he points to John Levis. He's like, you, you're 30. You ever kissed a girl? He's like, you took something fun I did in the 60s and turned it into a colossal waste of time. How rude. Yeah. I wonder how the Trekkies felt about that. I don't know. They were portrayed. It was one of the first like Trekkie things on TV. You know? So they probably appreciated that they were being recognized. Yeah. It's kind of interesting like what shows take off with that. It's not like Star Trek went on forever. It went on for a few years. I think it was five. Was it five years? I don't think it was that many. I think it was more like three. Let's see. Star Trek. It was a great fucking show. I'll tell you that. But it's amazing that like, okay, here's another perfect example. The fucking Rocky Horror Midnight Show, whatever it is. Yeah. When they do the Rocky Horror Picture Show, the midnight ones, and they have these people

68:23get up and they sing along to the music. They throw rice. They wear the clothes that everybody's wearing in the music, in the musical. They still do it at the New Art, like once a month, once a week. How does that one take off? Like, why that? What is it about the Rocky Horror Picture Show that makes everyone want to get together and watch it over and over and over and over and over and over again? Have these midnight screenings and everybody loves it and they dress up and it's a community. Yeah. But it forms over this one fucking weird movie. It's all such a fucking perfect storm of events. It comes out at the right time, right when people notice it. Let's do the time off again. It doesn't hurt that the movie is fucking badass. For a one-time viewing, it is a badass movie. Really? It's very good. Rocky Horror Picture Show is a very good movie. I love that movie, especially at the time.

69:11I don't know how it holds up today. Right. It might be a little absurd knowing all the Rocky Horror Picture Show shit behind it. That's one thing I'm very aware of but don't know anything about. So I've never seen it. Did you see it? Yeah. It's also a time capsule. I should probably see it again too before I recommend it because I watched the Alter States movie, the William Hurt movie about isolation tanks. I watched it and I thought it was the most amazing movie ever. It got me into isolation tanks, got me researching them, eventually got me to own one. So it was like a pivotal moment in my life seeing that movie. Right. I remember it being very good. I watched it recently. It's fucking terrible, dog. This shit is terrible. I barely got through it. It sucks when it happens, dude. Not only that, I tried to talk Mrs. Rogan into watching it with me. Uh-huh. She's watching this shit with me for five minutes.

69:57She's like, the fuck are you watching? It was so bad, man. It's missing so much that makes a movie good. And then you don't get to pick the movie again for another three or four choices. Dude, you know how it is. I know how it is. You just gotta give a good steady dick. You know what I'm talking about, full charge. Trust me, I know. I know you do. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird how movies don't fucking hold up. A lot of them don't. But a lot of them do. It's so strange. Like, watch The Godfather. It's perfect. It's a goddamn perfect gem. There's nothing wrong with it. Everything's great about it. I can't imagine Goodfellas ever being bad. It's impossible. It's impossible. It's a perfect movie. There's movies that are just so good. It doesn't matter if someone else achieves great heights as well. Yeah. That movie's still gonna stand no matter what era it's shown in.

70:47Especially in consideration between, like, what technology was available to shoot a movie like that then as it was, you know, as what's available today. You know it's good when not even Martin Scorsese can top it. Right. He's the one that did it. There you go. One flew over the cuckoo's nest holds up. I just watched that the other day again. That's so amazing. Fuck yeah, it does. That's a timeless theme right there. Nicholson was a bad motherfucker when he was young. You know, people remember Nicholson sitting in front court at the Lakers game when he pretended to be a wolf. They remember some stupid shit about Nicholson. But go back to Chinatown. Watch Nicholson in Chinatown. He was a bad motherfucker. Dude, Chinatown is another one. Chinatown holds up. He was so bad. He was so good in Chinatown. We talked about it last time I was here. Did we really? All signs point to Chinatown. Did we really?

71:33I swear to Christ. You're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How did we get to Nicholson in Chinatown in two separate episodes? Oh my God! This shit isn't crazy. It's a conspiracy. It's crazy full charge. I don't even know how it happened. Nicholson was the original full charge, man. It's a Chinese secret. He did a lot of fucking great movies, too, man. And you know, he still got it. Like that movie The Departed, he was still great with that. Oh, dude. He's still great. He's just... And he has, like, moved seamlessly from young hot guy to old creepy guy. Seamlessly. Like, there was a show recently. You know that Fast and Loud? You know that show? I don't think I do, no. Fast and Loud is those guys in Dallas. They have cars and it's called Gas Monkey Garage. Okay. It's their place. And they take cars, they buy them, they fix them up, and they resell them. Sell them at auctions, sell them to collectors. It's a funny show.

72:22Right. I enjoy it. And... Fuck, what was my point? Nicholson! Yeah. Fuck. God damn. Oh, that's what it is. Okay, I'm sorry. I got distracted because it's a really good show. Right. They did an episode with Burt Reynolds. That's where I got distracted. Okay. They were redoing a Trans Am. And the Trans Am was the Burt Reynolds Firebird from Smokey and the Bandit. Famous car. Perfect car for, like, when you're in high school. Like, during those days when Smokey and the Bandit was on, that was the fucking car. Yeah. Everybody, oh my god, it's a Firebird Trans Am. Woo! Yeah. Got the flames on the hood and shit. I mean, it was an amazing car for, like, several years because of Burt Reynolds. But, dude, Burt Reynolds is fucked. Like, he's hunched over. Right. They had him in their signing. He's hunched over. Great hair. Incredible hair. It's ridiculous. His face has been operated on way too many times. Yeah. It's strange.

73:13And he's got sunglasses on. And you remember him from, like, Deliverance. This virile, strong, like, dangerous looking dude who had just gotten done playing football, essentially. You know, he'd played football in college in Florida and went from there into the movies. He was a bad motherfucker. But you look, he couldn't make that transition. No. He couldn't become the old guy. The spread. Couldn't make the spread. He couldn't be himself throughout the ages. Yeah. Whereas Nicholson, the hair started falling out. No toupee. Just show up to award shows. His hair all fucked up. Big bald spot. Doesn't give a shit. He was always a freak and always an artist. So he could kind of roll with it. He rolled with everything. He rolled with getting fat. He just kept getting fatter and fatter and fatter. And he was in that movie with, like, Cher, where he played the devil or something like that. You remember that movie?

73:58Like, She Devils or something? There were witches or something like that. Witches of Eastwick? Witches of Eastwick. Witches of Eastwick. That's it. That's a good movie. Yeah. And he was already, like, fat and creepy then. You know? He had, like, made this transition seamlessly. Right. So him and Burt Reynolds are probably very similar in age. Right. But he looks great. Yeah. I mean, you look at Nicholson. He looks great. He looks like an old guy. Right. He was at the game the other day, or a Floyd Mayweather fight. And he's eating popcorn while they're interviewing him. Yeah. Chewing popcorn. You're not stopping for your camera. No. If you want to talk to Jack while he's fucking watching the fights, he's going to eat popcorn. But you don't feel sad for him. Right. You see Burt Reynolds, and you're like, Jesus Christ, look at this poor guy. Like, his body's all hunched over. He looks like he weighs maybe 100 pounds.

74:40Yeah. I'm not even kidding. He's got the wig on. He's got his face drawn from surgery and weird and shiny and stiff. He's got no spark. He's got no life. Yeah. It's depressing. It's depressing when you consider, like, how funny he was. If you go watch Smokey and the Bandit, it's another time capsule, but it's hard to see. It's hard. He doesn't even look like that now, man. You know what's weird about Smokey and the Bandit? I watched it a couple years ago. There's no one under 30 in that movie. Right. And they don't do that in movies anymore. It's all, like, young hot shots. Smokey and the Bandit was fun, man. The only young people they had in Smokey and the Bandit was people that almost got hit by cars on a baseball field when they jumped and started driving on a baseball field. How great is Jackie Gleason in that movie? Burt Reynolds had that one. He was great. Jackie Gleason was awesome in that movie.

75:28What was that one? I'm trying to interrupt you. That's okay. I'm trying to remember this one Burt Reynolds movie. I think it was Domino? Was that what it's called? Hold on. Reynolds. That's a weird way to spell it. Look at that sexy motherfucker, Joe. Look at that. He made the hairy chest sexy. Stud, bro. Oh, oh, oh. Hold me back. He did a lot of goddamn movies, man. Stick. Sharky's Machine. That was it. Do you remember that movie? No. Where Burt Reynolds, it was a good movie, man. Burt Reynolds, it was a cop movie. And at the time, I fucking loved it. It only has a 6.2. I bet if I watch it today, I'll think it sucks. But I was 14 years old. And Burt Reynolds played a badass in this, who's a narcotics cop in Atlanta. Demoted device after a botched bust. In the depths of this lowly division, while investigating a high-dollar prostitution ring, Sharky stumbles across a mob murder with government ties.

76:30Isn't it funny when you read a crazy, super overly dramatic movie? You read the description, you're like, what kind of a life is this? All this keeps happening to you. Sharky stumbles. Sharky stumbles across a mob murder with government ties. And responds by assembling his downtrodden fellow investigators, Sharky's machine, to find the leaders and bring them to justice. Meanwhile, most cops are bored out of their fucking minds just sitting around the office. No evidence, no nothing. I bet it's terrible if I watch it today, but goddamn, I liked it at the time when I was 14. Did he ever go mustacheless? Is he mustacheless in Boogie Nights? I don't think he is. I don't know. He loved the mustache, man. He wore it a lot. Do you have tape over your webcam? Yeah. You don't? I don't want people seeing me beating off on you. That's hilarious. Tired of the NSA. No, you know what it was, man?

77:18I actually had tape that they put over this thing from filming the show. They wanted to cover my Apple logo, and I had an extra piece. And I put it over the camera as a goof and then just left it there. I met this girl the other day that had on her camera, or I mean on her phone, she had tape on the front and tape on the back like a crazy person. Why? Because she's like an FBI agent? Well, no, people are afraid of the NSA. Yeah. They're afraid of the NSA tuning into your laptop. If you look through a million hours of me, you're going to see me in front of the computer, and then 10% of those times, I'll be beating off. Right. That's what you're going to see. So if you need to see that. Still not a crime. Look through that thing. But, like, why would anybody want to go through that data? What are you trying to prove? I'll just tell you. What are you trying to prove? This has been documented.

78:06For some people, though, it's dangerous as they find out that you beat off. Like, if you found out that Colin Powell was an obsessive, like, foot fetish. It would change the way I thought about him, that's for sure. Like, this is his move. He loved, like, watching a video, very specific. One girl's licking your balls while the other one, you're coming on her feet. Right. Now, that would change the way I thought about him, and I would question his ability to lead the military. Yeah. Even though it's irrational for me to think that. Yeah, if you found out that he was just really into transgender porn, that was his big thing. You would not trust him when it comes to his decision making. Yeah, because, I mean. Meanwhile, there's no other indications. He's exactly the same person as when he was, like, the most awesome general ever. His resume's the exact same. Let me just find out all this tranny porn shit.

78:46What if it gets out to the news? People find out how he enjoys his pleasure. Wow. With a slice of pain. Transgender with a girl is pretty sweet. Oh. What does that mean? Meaning like a girl to a boy? Meaning like a girl that has, like, boobs and hair. And a dick? But a dick, and it's fucking a normal girl. That's hot. You like that? You watch that? You like that? You watch that for real? Well, because it's like, you take the guy who you don't really want to see anyways, and you give him boobs and make him look like a girl. Somehow it doesn't affect Brian's reputation when he says something like that. He doesn't have a reputation. His reputation is that. That's the best aspect of his personality, his curiosity, his willingness to hang his neck out there. But we don't want him leading the military at the same time. Yeah. You know what I mean, though?

79:29It's like, instead of having to look at a hairy dude or some ugly dude. Oh, no. I see your logic. Have you tried it? No. It doesn't work with me. I limit myself to... I don't want to watch that. I'm scared I'll like it. Why? Because then I'll be all I watch, and now I'm Colin Powell. Why? I think, personally, when you start getting into weird, freaky shit, like if you're only into someone coming on feet or something like that, maybe you need to stop beating off for a couple months. Yeah. Maybe you've talked yourself into some weird box where every girl has to have a dick, and you know, everybody's feet have to have red nails. I need red nail polish! There's no fucking red nail polish! Like, you'll find your search message boards for the red nail polish fetish jerking off for them, and everyone agrees. What are these assholes with black goth toads? Who wants to see that?

80:16And you find the red nail polish, but it's still not good enough? You've got to find the perfect... There's always going to be people that take anything, whether it's a conversation, whether it's a relationship, or whether it's... Star Trek. They take things to a bad place. They take a good thing, and they put it in a bad place. That's why porn gets such a goddamn terrible reputation. It's because, yeah, there's a few dudes who beat off a wee-to-bit. Oh, yeah. A wee-to-bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A wee-to-bit much. But, there's also people that use it so that they don't have to date people that don't really want to date just to get some sex. That's the thing. They just see it, and they didn't create it. They don't feel totally karmically responsible for just watching it and downloading it. And then they beat off, and then they go about their day full charge without being trapped, like poor Dick Van Dyke. Right.

81:02Poor Dick Van Dyke, who had to sleep in a different bed and wasn't allowed to beat off them. Couldn't even go fishing. They thought back then. They thought Satan would come and steal you in your sleep if you beat off. Yeah, they did. They didn't allow it. It was illegal. It got labeled a homosexual thing. Beat off and beat it. Masturbating. Beat off and be gay. Well, it should be. I mean, you're a man fucking a man. You have a dick in your hand. What are you doing? You're doing gay shit. You're fucking a man's hand. How dare you? Well, I quit. Fucking weirdo. Weirdo fucking your own hand. I don't believe in gay sex except my own gay hand. Both my hands are gay as fuck. Yeah. My right's way more gay. My left hand's gay and my right hand's gay. My left hand's bi-curious. Fortunately, they're only gay for my dick. Monogamous. Boy, I lucked out on that one.

81:48Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, but it seems like you guys carry more weight than we do. You carry a greater societal burden. Not from people like me, but from people who judge. Yep. So in that case, I'm glad my dick is the only thing that my hands are attracted to. You have less to deal with. Gay hands are called jazz hands, right? No, jazz hands. Ta-da! When you're trying to put a little extra energy in something that really sucks. Ta-da! Ta-da! You know, something that's really not that good. Or you're trying to downplay something that is unbelievably super awesome. Ta-da! Like if you're standing there in front of a movie, even waiting for three years, and you have the opening night ticket, you're like, ta-da! Those are legit jazz hands. Right. You know, when you're waiting for the Hobbit, the desolation of smog, to come out. Waiting in line.

82:35Do you remember when the fucking Harry Potter novels were coming out and people were making videos of them running by and giving away the ending? Oh, yeah. No! No, no, no. Yeah. God, those guys were cunts. It would have been great if that video ended with somebody just blindsiding the guy on the bike. Right. Just knocking him down, kicking his ass, and all the fucking Harry Potter dorks join in. Fuck you! Sorry! Thought it was funny! Beating him with brooms. Can you imagine, man, just wanting to steal joy? Just wanting to steal mystery from people. There's always somebody. And that was bad. I mean, you know, I guess the internet was still around then. I don't know what kind of spoilers you would get, because social media wasn't as strong, like Twitter and Facebook and all that stuff. So I bet it was probably harder to find out accidentally what the end of a book was. You had to search for a spoiler. Yeah.

83:25Basically. Yeah, back then you had to really go looking, or you had to get stuck next to some asshole who won't stop talking about it. Yep. And you're like, I don't want to know. It doesn't matter. You'll still enjoy it. Listen, he goes into the doctor. You're like, why are you still telling me this? I've been working all week, and when I'm done, I want to watch Harry Potter, goddammit. I had a guy do that to me once, a guy that I really respected, and it was so brutal. I couldn't believe my opinion of him changed. So I always, he was a famous guy. He was telling me this really fucking boring version of that, what is the I Drink Your Milkshake movie? Oh, There Will Be Blood. There Will Be Blood. Yeah. And he's telling me about the opening scene. And he's describing the scene. I'm like, please stop. Please stop. Please stop. Look, I'm going to see this movie. It don't matter. You'll still enjoy it.

84:14You'll still enjoy it. I'll still enjoy it. You're telling me what's happening. And he wouldn't stop. I literally had to walk away. I go, Jesus fucking Christ. And I had to leave. Right. He was insisting on letting not just me, but all the people around me know exactly what happened in this opening scene. I'm like, fucking Christ. Was this Daniel Day-Lewis was doing this scene? Shh. Dude, I told you. Don't talk about me and Daniel. If I have a protein shake. I think he does everything perfectly. I would never criticize him. Have you guys seen those pants that the young kids are wearing nowadays that looks like Oh, these young kids. Skids? It's where it looks like you have poopy drawers almost, where it's not droopy pants. Here's a video of Beaver wearing them, where it almost looks like the crotch is down way far, like by your knees. What? And it almost... Hold on. Like hammer pants? It almost looks...

85:06Yeah, kind of like hammer pants. Wait a minute. What is this? Okay, so it's... They're skinny, but baggy in the crotch. Like the crotch goes down to you about your knees. You look like kind of like a penguin. You better not be checking leg kicks. I'll tell you that. And see how the pot smoke that's coming out of his van? This is from yesterday. He's getting in trouble. Exclusive! Yeah, they were like... Police were telling him he can't hot box with his van. Yeah. Why is he driving in a van? I don't know. Is that how he gets around? I guess so. So he brings his crew with him. That's how you bring a crew? Yeah. Yeah, you have to have a van if you want everybody to travel together. He's got an immense crew. You know when you're a legit super duper star? You gather an immense crew like he has. I'd love to have a crew. I think the full charge crew needs a special name, like the Volts. The Chargeheads. Yeah, the...

85:49The Volts. The Volts. Yeah. The Amps. Amperage. The Everetties. I like that. Duracells. There's a Duracell group. I've seen people wear these pants all the time, and they hit me in like a gross out kind... Oh, here they are. Because they are. They're like hammer pants. I'm not shocked. This shit's like popular right now. I'm just not shocked. Human beings are begging for the aliens to fucking wipe us out. Begging. With every new fashion choice. With every new video we make. Seemed like it was getting pretty normal there for a while. Incorrect. Full charge. Very sweater vest. You haven't been paying attention, fella. It's been downhill since the fucking bell bottom. We accepted the bell bottom, and it was a slide, my friend. A slide. I think I'm going to go to tracksuits and fanny packs. I'll do it. I think I'm going to commit. I'm for the tracksuits. I think tracksuit and fanny pack is my new look for life.

86:47I think my body will appreciate it. It's very light, relaxing. Let's find some good tracksuits, Brian, and change that to our new wardrobe. I'll show you the ones that I want. We live in California, man. I don't need to wear thermals and shit. I don't need layers of goose down. No. I can get by with a tracksuit and a fanny pack. Yeah. I want to be part of your crew. I don't feel like starting my own. I'll get the tracksuit. Dude, what kind of sneakers should we wear? What kind of sneakers should we wear? We definitely got to wear Pumas or Adidas. That's what I'm saying. Whatever the tracksuit is. Here's the shoes. Asics. Those are good. That's a good choice, Brian. That's a good choice. That's a comfortable shoe, too. Yep. And if you're wearing a blue tracksuit with some white stripes, that'll fit nicely. If we learned anything from Fat James, it's tracksuits and Asics. No doubt about it. Rest in peace, Fat James.

87:32Yeah. Tracksuits and Asics. I haven't had a tracksuit since I was probably 19. When was the last time you had an actual legit tracksuit? I got one when I was like 28 because I was going out with this girl. I wanted to try to pull it off like we're talking about now. Yeah. She worked at Echo. You know that Mark Echo, that clothing line? She worked there. And I'm like, give me one of these tracksuits. Right. And I tried it for like a week and I just couldn't keep it up. You know? This is a tracksuit. I couldn't commit. Couldn't commit. I didn't have a crew. Yeah. The Ever Readies weren't ready yet. You gotta have some other people behind you that also work. So everybody doesn't give a fuck together. Mm-hmm. You know? Because if just you on your own out there in the wilderness of life being judged by your fashion choices. Yeah. And you're wearing a fucking tracksuit.

88:13And you see a girl outside of a place where a girl, if you were dressed like this, she'd be like, oh, you're Matt Fultron's stand-up comedian. But she sees you. And why are you wearing a tracksuit? Yeah. Well, you know, I just like being casual. Mm. Mm. I like dressing like a moron. They don't buy that. Is it a moron? They don't buy it. Is it a moron thing or is it a comfortable thing? Are we the morons full charge? I know I'm the moron. With our zippers to get our dicks trapped in. And our belts. Our belts. And we could just have a simple drawstring. Easy access. We got to start smoking cigars, too. Dude, let's do it. Little, little. Why hold back? Little bit of organized crime. Just a little bit. See, Bruce Lee owned that type of tracksuit the same way Hitler owned the mustache. You can't wear that without people thinking that you're Bruce Lee. Except Bruce Lee hurt many more people than Hitler.

88:59See, like this one? Nothing. You could wear that. No problem. But that Game of Death one? No. Bruce Lee owns that. That's his. You can't wear that. You can't wear a yellow jumpsuit. It'd be embarrassing to wear a jumpsuit and like a breakdance competition breaks out. And then you got nothing? And you got nothing. You're just kind of inching away quietly. Yeah, Bruce Lee, that yellow tracksuit. If you wear that, people go, yo, what's up, Bruce Lee? They'll immediately go to that. That tracksuit is off limits. If you have a tracksuit, you better learn a skill. And that better be karate, breakdancing, or counting numbers at horse races. That's incredible. Now that I'm thinking about it, is there one actor more synonymous with a very specific type of jumpsuit than Bruce Lee? No. I mean, unless you count L.O. Hul J, which you can't.

89:45But they can't because he owns that yellow jumpsuit in the Game of Death so hard that to this day, the only time you see people wearing them is when they're wearing it for a Bruce Lee costume. Right. Like he owns that fucking yellow jumpsuit. There's never been like a time like that where someone has just a really standard type of athletic apparel that is so common to them that when you see it, all you think about is them. Fanny pack. Yeah. Hey. Beyonce fanny pack. Yeah, boy. She ain't scared. When you have an ass like that, no one sees anything other than your ass. That fanny pack is only examined by people online. If you were there in front of her, it would be like a mirage. You wouldn't even be able to see it. You'd see her hips to the ass ratio is incredible. I think the tits are real. She's so hungry. She's ridiculous. Ridiculously hot. I forget what we're talking about now. Jack Nicholson. Burt Reynolds.

90:40It was Burt Reynolds. It was, you know, when you see a guy like Burt Reynolds that's like had all that plastic surgery and he's like really hurting right now. No one's won the plastic surgery game yet, have they? Well, here's what's really crazy. You know who's the same age as him? Who? Sylvester Stallone. Uh-huh. That crazy fuck that looks like he's 30 years old. Right. I mean, his face doesn't, but his body is ridiculous. He's fucking shredded. So what's Sylvester doing? Just hair dye? I mean, he's definitely doing that. He's eating babies. But does Sylvester have any plastic surgery? Taking hormones. Yeah, I'm sure he has. He's an actor. By the time they get to be like that age, especially the superstar blockbuster type dudes that keep their hair the same color, they've had a little bit of something done. Yeah. You know, just a little tuck here, a little Botox there.

91:29They get that weird shiny skin that doesn't move. And when they do this, it doesn't work. Right. So it's like... So then you can't even act. It's like shiny. You can't even be surprised. Well, you know, you can be surprised if you're in a movie. Somebody hired your old crazy ass with your poison skin. Yeah. With your frozen fucking paralyzed skin because you think that looks better. Bruce Willis kept it real. Kept it real. Still working. Still working. Yeah, there's a lot of those guys, right? And then stand-up comedy, too. A lot of those guys. Like George Carlin. Perfect example. George Carlin just kept being George Carlin through being a young guy to being an old curmudgeon, an old scholarly curmudgeon breaking down the funny shit about the world. You just stayed the same guy. Yeah. Something happens to some people, though, man, where they just can't do that. You know, something happens to some people

92:21where they just can't accept it. They've got to cut their face. Yeah. Not a lot of comics doing the surgery, right? What if it became, like, shown on paper that duck lips make every punchline 10% better? Oh, they probably do. I'm sure they do. Yeah. If you pause... Brody does punch lips. He does punch lips. I say punchline lips. He does it, like, on purpose. Right. Like, don't tell a joke. And he's got his face cut, too. He's got that scar. Yeah, but that scar is an accident. Sebastian's got... You're right, though, because that scar came from laser surgery. He was trying to get his hair removed from his face, and they burned his face. Really? Yeah. Well, Brody's fucking hairy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Brody's fucking hairy. When he shaves his face, he gets stubbed, like, an hour later, and it's all the way up to his cheeks. So he was trying to get it lasered, and they botched him. I wonder if he got paid for that.

93:13Did he get paid for that? I don't know, but he might have just done it again on his eyebrows, and that's why he wears a hat down like this and glasses. I hope he doesn't. He doesn't need to do that. He's Brody. Give him love for who he is. Got tattooed eyebrows or something. Does he really? Yeah. Or lasered eyebrows, and then they took too much. No, it's something that lasts up to, like, I think you said six months or something like that. Lasered? Yeah. Well, they laser it. It'll kill, like, a lot of your eyebrow hairs for a long time. Like, a lot of girls get it on their hoo-ha. Hey! They go down on their hoo-ha, and they get it lasered down. But I think it's a tattoo, though. It's a not permanent tattoo, but it's one that goes away in, like, six months. What are you talking about? He had his eyebrows tattooed? Yeah, that's why. Probably shouldn't be talking about that. Dude, you were telling on him.

93:56Why are you talking about that? Because we talked about it on an Ice House Chronicles. Oh, okay. He already talked about it. Yeah. He's so crazy, he would. The Hair Chronicles. He was fucking unbelievably funny the last time he was on here. Oh, it was so great. Everybody's talking about it, dude. One of the funniest podcasts I've ever done with him. Without a doubt. He's so cool he's got the TV show, because he was, like, I don't know if you remember, like, when he showed up in L.A. in the late 90s, everyone was going fucking apeshit for him. Like, on the comic circuit. Well, I know comics have always respected him. Yeah. He's always been a guy that, you know, Stan Hope and I had him to the opening.