Doug Benson

00:00It came up twice. Yeah, it's very... Oh, did it? This thing's very clunky, this Ustream thing. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much for tuning in. My guest this week, the lovely and talented Mr. Doug Benson. Hey, everybody. Doug Benson, everybody. Before we get started, we have to mention that this show is being sponsored by The Fleshlight. Doug Benson, have you ever fucked one of these things? I have not. I heard you and Dane Cook talking about it last week. They're awesome, man. It really takes masturbation to a whole new level. It seems, you know, it's a very embarrassing thing to purchase Has that one been used or is that just for No, no, no, I would never do that to you Is that just the Well, not that you would, you know, necessarily mess it up just by holding it or whatever No Because you don't have to touch anything I mean, no one's fucked it I wouldn't give you one that someone's fucked

00:45That's good, yeah, yeah That's wrong, right? Have you ever fucked a non-fleshlight one? No Like, I just fucked one the other day Completely different It fucks, it doesn't feel anything like Better or worse? Oh, way worse Way worse Yeah, somebody else told me that. I think it was Hefron said that he fucked a knockoff, a fake flashlight. He said it wasn't very good. But these are outstanding. They put a lot of research into it. It seems like it would be awesome, but now I totally get what you were saying last week about how it just doesn't feel right in terms of you feel bad about yourself. Embarrassing. Yeah. It's so heavy. That's one thing. I guess you'd get a little bit of a light arm workout, but take it back. Brian, turn my volume up I've had other people talk to me about this thing and it's an embarrassing thing they're like, why would you want to be represented by this rubber vagina it keeps coming up

01:41it came up with another person that was thinking about sponsoring the show they don't want to be connected with the Fleshlight really? that's so weird to me it's childish but now you just get that company and Fleshlight to outbid each other yeah, you would have to do something like that but then you would never know. I mean, you know, then you show no loyalty to something that you actually believe. If you don't believe there's anything wrong with fucking this thing and you want to pretend... It's like one of those things where people don't want to talk about sexual things because somehow or another talking about sexual things makes people uncomfortable, it's creepy, you know, but it's a natural part of life. And, like, most rational people at a certain point in time just kind of accept that. And then you can joke about it and go, hey, I fucked this rubber pussy.

02:22Ha ha! Is it good? Yeah, it's great. You should try it. And then everything's good. But for some people, it never gets to that place. Never gets to that comfortable. Yeah, well, I think it depends on how comfortable you are with other men, like who you kind of came up with and if you all talk to each other that way or not. I had a lot of fairly prudish friends. We'd say dirty things, but we wouldn't admit to any of our own personal activities the way that I've seen other groups of friends do it. You see these packs of people that all just have a different code about whether they fucked a prostitute or not is going to come up in one group, but it's not going to come up in another. Totally. That's so important. So important. Hanging around with the dudes are going to tell you everything. That's so huge. Embarrassing, ridiculous, retarded, all of it. I want to hear it. Come on.

03:07Give me all the dirt. Well, you must get some good stuff from... Everyone I know. Yeah, but also, that's really kind of almost a code of stand-up these days, is to just be super honest, and it ends up just to be original. You kind of have to talk about some stuff that's pretty brutal and out there. you know yeah you can't really do i mean it's almost like the the jerry seinfeld route has been said so many times and gone down so many roads it's like i don't see anything there it's like if you want to do stand-up today it's like you know jerry seinfeld as jerry seinfeld you know that style is hilarious at it but i don't want to see a new one of those well also he sort of he sort of turned it into another thing like he made it popular it's more fun now to watch actors on a show like The Office recreating awkward situations that happen every day than it is your one guy just describing it. Yeah.

03:57You know, the Seinfeld show just sort of brought to life his comedy. And that made him a funnier guy to me because prior to that, he was a pack of part of a pack of guys that all just did clean cut, observational humor. And I love them all. I thought they were really funny, like guys like him and Larry Miller. And, you know, there's a bunch of them. Yeah, I was a big fan of The Evening at the Improv. Yeah, yeah. And those guys were on those things all the time. I totally grew up on watching that stuff, but then immediately embraced stuff that's more, you know, like you can, you don't have to just observe things. You can experience them. Yeah, I want to hear a really thought that's dangerous. Tell me what you did, not what everybody does. Yeah, I want to hear a dangerous thought to admit. I want to hear some truth that we can all agree with. I want to hear something fucked up, too.

04:48I don't want to hear the regular shit. I get bored with it. I'm tired of it. I want to hear something. I look forward to Joey Diaz's sets more than anybody. I like strong joke writing, though. I do, too. I do, too. That can get me through. But you're right. It's like, as soon as it starts to be too much about... The best is both, right? Yeah. Of course. Yeah, I love anyone who's a great joke writer and a good performer. That's unbeatable. That's like Louis C.K. Yeah, but you're right about Seinfeld. He was such a brilliant joke writer and deliverer in his style. And then to have that show. And then you really see where Kirby Enthusiasm really got to see where Larry David had a big hand in it, too. because once I started seeing that show, I was like, oh, okay, this guy is like the king of creating like really awkward situations that like literally you watch like some of his shows

05:41and you find yourself contorting because you're like, what are you fucking saying? You know, it's so good. He does such a good job of weaving that web, you know? He's one of my masters. Is he? Yeah. And it takes it up a notch too that it's like on HBO so that the language in those situations can be like that's part of it He often says, you know, he often says some, he swears inappropriately in front of people sometimes. Yeah. And subject matter. You can't do that shit on Seinfeld because it had to be all TV appropriate. You remember when there was the water bottle in his pants and there was a little girl and, you know, there was like some implication. Like people thought that he had a hard on because the little girl was there. I forget how he set it up, but I was like, wow. Yeah, if you listed everything that he was guilty of in the seven seasons of that show, he's done some pretty horrible things.

06:27What a great show. the worst thing in every situation you know like i forget what he did to some holocaust survivors but it was i'm sure it was awful shows like that are so important show you that there's like another level out there you know like i think that's important for stand-ups too don't you think like it's it's good sometimes to watch somebody else you know and somebody really good you know watch like a bill cosby in his prime or something like that just to really get inspired or get you know just really kick it up to another gear. Yeah, it's always good to, I think that's a huge part of, I hate to give advice to people starting out, but one of the things I say to them if they insist on having some is watch as much stand-up comedy as you can. And unfortunately, we get kind of tired of watching it after we've done it for years and years,

07:15but it's still important to kind of check into it every once in a while because it just ups your game when you know what everybody else is doing. Yeah, it inspires. It does something to you. It makes you excited about performing. I'm most excited about writing after I see Chappelle perform. And I go, fuck, I just want to go write. It just makes me want to create new shit. Well, that's the other great thing about being a stand-up is when you have that impulse, you could just come up with one great joke and be satisfied. Like, I hate it when I see a great movie and I'm driving home like, I'm going to write a goddamn screenplay. And that's just too big of a task to really commit to in that moment of excitement. you know but writing a joke you know you're excited about writing jokes and you write a good one it's like okay I did that it's like 10-20 minutes work and then you're in

08:00and sometimes they come in full form they'll just come to you out of the air it's like a little gift it's amazing you were talking about that with Dane Cook about how when you say something when the crowd is so great the next sentence after the joke is probably going to get a laugh anyway but when it gets a huge laugh then you've suddenly got a new end to the joke yeah out of nowhere Right out of the ether. Yeah, I mean, that's how most of my, you know, I do most of my writing on stage just in the sense that, you know, sometimes I have a joke that's worked out, you know, perfectly beginning, middle, and end. But for the most part, it's more like this is sort of something I want to try to address and then just see where it goes and have a good joke ready to go right after it if it ends up not ending up getting anywhere. Yeah, I agree with you. I do both. How high do you get before you go on stage?

08:49Well, now people think I'm high whether I'm high or I'm not. Like they just accuse me of it regardless. So, you know, I can be as high as I want to be, which is just, you know, it just all comes down to timing. You know, if you have to race from the airport to the gig, you might not be very high. But if you're chilling that day, you know, and you've got a show at 8 o'clock and not much to do in the afternoon other than, you know, work on your computer and interviews and stuff like that. I get really high for interviews now, like phoners. Yeah, me too. I love that. I love just being super big. Because then when they do throw to you, you will talk until they stop you. And sometimes they don't jump in. So you can really get a lot of stuff in. I know. I find myself almost feeling bad for what I'm subjecting the interviewer to sometimes. Because it'll start on some really innocent question.

09:38And I'll just start going on about what is the cause of humanity? What are we here for? There's totally nothing to do with anything we're talking about. But in my mind, what I'm thinking about is the whole vision of the world and where it's headed. And it might have been a really simple question. Yeah, and they need you to wrap it up so they could play some more Kesha. Yeah, and I'm just super baked going on about the universe. It's like it's all coming to me in these big waves. I just need to get it out. It is fun to get high and then write. Or sometimes, have you ever done this? Have you ever gotten high and they went, oh, crap, now I'm starting to have ideas and I'm not in the mood to. Like I'm not ready to write down ideas right now. I wanted to just get high and watch TV. But now I've actually got to go to work for a little bit because the ideas are too good to ignore.

10:22I got way too high the other day and went on stage. I was at the John Lovitz Comedy Club. So you think. This dude, I think. I was on a plane with Lovitz the other day. Yeah? Yeah, I got in his eyeline a couple times to see if he knew who I was, and he had no idea. That's bad. But if he was like, holy shit, you're Doug Benson, would that give you a... Am I? Well, no, I wouldn't want... Well, I did grow up on Lovitz. I mean, he has been in a lot of great things, and I've always thought he was a funny guy, but he was so sad sack acting that it would be hard to be excited about it. He's a nice guy. He's a real nice guy. But he was just kind of like traveling by himself. You know how that is. You're just like humping through the airport, like just want to get it over with, just don't want too many people to, you know. I'm sure like he must have gone through a period of time

11:10where there's some catchphrases that people yell at him or they'd say you're a liar. the ticket all the time that's that's the ticket guy yeah yeah he must he must have used to got that a lot but now i'm sure he doesn't get it so much but why don't you use technology to help with your ideas though because i know that you uh instead of writing it down just like talk make a movie do audio because that's right there in your pocket i'm starting to get there like i finally got the the most recent iphone oh you did i made the first video that i ever like uh uploaded on the internet where i just filmed myself doing something and then and then sent it out there and I'm definitely going to do more of that. You should. It's a smart way to go. It's super fast. It's super smart and fast and people love content. They want you to keep doing stuff. But what were you saying about being at the Lovitz Club, comedy club?

11:54Oh, I got way too baked. This guy gave me a cookie in between the stage. Joey, there were like these little, what are those little long banana shaped things called? You know what I'm talking about? Biscotti. Biscotti. Not really banana, but that's the closest thing. That's a hard clue. That's a strange shape. Now that I know what it is, now that I know it's biscotti, I can see the banana. How do you describe that shape? Biscotti shape. Hard cookie canoe. Hard coffee canoe. Coffee cookie. That's it. That's the best one. A cookie canoe. A cookie canoe. This guy, I didn't even eat a quarter of one, man. I didn't eat any. He goes, they're really strong. Okay. Just, I took a bite. One bite. 45 minutes later, I was on stage and I was aboard an alien spacecraft while I was talking to these people. I mean, I was barely there. Barely there enough to communicate. I was so high. There's no way I should have been talking in public.

12:47That's a surreal space when you're on stage there, too, because of the way they have those balconies. Yeah, three floors. And the balconies are rather close to you, but just up high. Very shallow, but very high. And it's kind of exciting, but also it's different than what we're used to. Yeah, it's cool. I mean, it was a fun club. You know what's weird about that club is how the bars open. And so halfway through the show, you're just hearing clinking and clunking. Well, that happens in a lot of places. But they could put a curtain right up there. They could, but you know what? It ain't that bad. Like San Francisco Punchline doesn't have a curtain. And that works out okay. That's far. Somehow it adds to the ambiance, though. But that's far. As long as people aren't douchey, it doesn't matter. But you are right. It does give an opportunity for things to get annoying. Yeah.

13:29Anytime you have a bar where people can stand and order a drink, you're fucked. Or divert attention from the crowd. They can't do it quietly because they're drunk. Yeah. People start hitting on people and talking. The last show I did where it was a standing room show, me and Joey did this show in Memphis. It was this last-minute booking, and it was a rock club. We're like, all right, yeah, they have bands there. Fuck it. I'm sure it'll be set up fine. The guy's like, he wants to do standing room. I usually don't. I said, okay, fine, fuck it. Half the room was standing. Half the room was seated, and it was really strange. It was like you're standing on stage, and to your right, everyone's seated. and to your left is a bar. So literally, everything to your left is like, there's like 200 people just standing and talking. Yeah, of course. It's like you're doing stand-up in a bar,

14:16and they're barely paying attention. Yeah, they're acting like a band is on stage. I used to do that at the House of Blues too, but now after we went to see Stan Hope, and we had a stand, and it was horrible. It was like after an hour, your fucking back hurts, your neck starts to kink up. And so I said, I'm not going to subject anybody to this anymore. Yeah. I feel bad for people when they're standing during the show. Do you ever say no that you won't do those shows? I haven't really gotten to that position where if that's an option and that's going to get more bodies in the venue. It gets less bodies in the venue. You lose money. But to me, it's better. Oh, to let them sit, you mean? To let them sit. Yeah, yeah. That's the thing. So I'm not such a draw that they're coming to me begging me to let everybody stand. Right. I've been on Comedians of Comedy tours with Patton Oswalt where everybody's standing.

15:08And it's amazing how much they'll put up with. Like David Cross does standing shows all the time. And his shows go on forever. And he has bands come out. And that crowd is okay with it. But I don't think my crowd. I think stoners would rather sit down. I mean, I think they're fine and okay with it. I mean, if there was only an opportunity to go see a great comic, even if I wasn't even doing stand-up. if it was Chappelle or someone like that, I would stand. I'd stand for two hours. I mean, how often does this guy come to town? Once a year? Shit, I can stand for two hours for once a year. But it's not the best feeling. The best way is to sit down and chill. You sit down and chill, and then you can really enjoy the jokes. When you're sitting down and relaxing, everything's more fun. What's the worst is when they have couches in a comedy club. Like, oh, here's the VIP seats. And it's like a couch in the back

15:55where they not only can get loud, but they also just are lounging around. It's not the right posture to watch comedy unless you're at home stoned or something. Yeah, you're totally right. I like it when the seats are fixed, fixed seats, so they can't even move them. Like if the Comedy Works in Denver. I was just going to say that. That place is crazy. They've got those little tiny trays that are smaller than a school desk or an airline tray, and they just put their nachos and their drinks on it. The people are in there so tight, and it's underground. It's really – that place is almost perfect. The only thing I'd say that I don't like about it is just it gets a little rowdy sometimes. It gets rowdy. The crowd noise is like it's a win when they're cheering for you and applauding because it's so loud. But then when they're talking amongst themselves, when they're losing focus, that's really loud too.

16:47Denver's pretty – they get wild, man. Yeah. Colorado people get wild. Yeah. There's a lot of wild cowboy in Colorado. And I think the alcohol and the weed both hit you harder because of the altitude. Fuck yeah, it does. You're a mile up in the air, man. Yeah, so it's intense. You ever try working out up there? Yeah, I've tried doing a lot of things there that I regretted. I went to an amusement park there one day. Oh my God. And yeah, and it's just like, it was fun, but much more exhausting than going to an amusement park should be. Yeah, I can only imagine. Yeah, walking up hills is tough up there. I went hiking once, and it was like a full-on workout. Like I was breathing heavy and sweating. It's like, this is crazy. This is not where you want the mountain lion to catch you. I'll heave in and out of breath and shit. Can't even make it up the hill.

17:33That's the way Joe Rogan thinks that there might be a mountain lion. Well, my dog got eaten by a mountain lion. Oh, God. When I lived in Colorado, my dog got eaten by a mountain lion. Holy crap. Yeah, we saw the mountain lion. I've hid weed in Colorado. You've hidden it? Yeah, at a comedy club. And I've been waiting for the day to go back to this comedy club to see if it's still there. Wow. It's kind of like me and Ari were talking about the other day. We started hiding weed at comedy clubs instead of throwing it away and stuff. Does weed ever go bad? That's smart. No, it doesn't. I mean, it loses its potency a little bit, but you're talking about six months to a year. It's fine. It's going to be dry, and it's going to hit you harder. You're going to get stoned. Really? Yeah. Joey likes drying his weed out. He takes his weed and puts it on like a radiator. Me too.

18:12He's like, I'm going to dry that shit out, cocksucker. I used to keep it in the freezer. Really? Yeah, I used to do that too, but it gets moisture in it that way. I like it dry. I like it to burn and make a joint. What's good about the freezer? Supposedly, you put anything in a freezer that lasts longer, be it batteries. Yeah, I'm asking you that, but meanwhile, I put my coffee in the freezer. I don't know why I do that. Yeah, exactly. I think my parents did it. I just sort of did it because people suggested it or somebody said it somewhere, and then after a while, I was like, why am I doing this? I'm getting through this weed fast enough that I don't need to freeze it for another generation. This edible thing taught me a lesson, man. I will not eat anybody else's shit and then go on stage. It was a dude that I had known, and he's one of those professional stoner characters. Nobody can ever know, though.

18:54Yeah, but you buy it at a store, you're buying it from somebody you don't know. Oh, no, totally. No, you're totally true. Everybody to me is always like, just eat half of this, and every time I take them up on it, it's either much stronger than that implied or weaker than that implied. Right. Like, people are never really that. That's what I like about smoking is the people behind the counter and the dispensary can give you a little bit more specific guidance than you can with edibles. it's always just like, yeah, it'll hit you or it won't in about an hour. Some of these assholes put too much in. They need to get Amazon reviews. They do, man. You're right. They need Amazon reviews. Every time you take a purple wreck from this store, this is what happened. This is how much it took. There was a job in Colorado, one of the local newspapers, to be a marijuana critic. And I got the job. I signed up for it.

19:43And they were like, are you serious? I'm like, fuck yeah. I want to write. It was right before we had to move. but when I was there I was going to go to different weed stores and grade them but somebody else is doing that now they should I think they gave that job to somebody I remember reading about it somewhere yeah that's something they wanted to do I read it on some like Celeb Stoner or something some website was talking about it I thought of earlier when you mentioned Doug Stanhope it was funny a couple days ago I worked at a club and the guy wrote me a check and I went home I didn't really look at it and I went home and the next morning I looked at it and he'd written the check out to Doug Stanhope. Like it was late and he was tired and Doug plays that club too so it was funny that he wrote down the wrong name. He's like degenerate number two. Have you ever gotten, no, you've never gotten a check

20:32that says Joe Piscopo on it? No, Tony Danza Jr. I sign credit cards. Well, that's just a flat out. Do you? Like anytime I sign a credit card, any kind of credit card slip, I always write something like tacos. Let me ask you this. Why? Because it's theirs. Are you free to change the way you sign your shirt? Yes. You can't say that your T is not a B. You're just a sloppy cursive writer. That's not what I'm saying. Say if you have a signature, right? Your signature is supposed to represent how you write it. It's your own very unique way of doing it. Right. Can you just decide, I don't like it that way. Now I'm going to do this with a star in the middle of it. Well, you're just helping them out because then you could get every letter of the alphabet so they know exactly what your handwriting style looks like. Right, but it's your signature. You're still writing the same word every time. what I'm saying is

21:16could you just totally change it up yeah that's what I do every time I change my sign a credit card I do Brad Pitt or I hate tacos so what's the point if you're totally changing it up and if that's cool if you're allowed to do that what's the point in having a signature then because you have to say did you sign this is it your signature you go yes I did sign that that's it but what about the one where it's where you're signing that screen thingy isn't that kind of at least capturing the image and checking to see if it matches how you know no no no no it's just writing it it's just printing it it's just printing it So you could just, on those things, you could just write tarpa along. Yeah, you could type stars in anything. Well, when I was a kid, I could imitate Gene Simmons' signature. I could imitate Ace Freely's because I had copied over their signatures. I was a huge Kiss fan. And someone could do that with you easy,

22:00especially in those little stupid things with the credit card where you're signing your name. That doesn't look like how you write your name. It's not even close. And who cares? You know how I learned it? Because a girl I used to date would type her name in cursive letters, and it took fucking like an extra minute. And I'm just like, that's it. You're not doing this anymore. This drives me crazy. There's an extra minute at the cash register. So I go, I just started signing it for her. And I started saying like farts and fuck face and tacos. I usually just do tacos and stuff with Brad Pitt. Yeah, yeah. Tacos and Brad Pitt. Interesting obsessions. They've got the new taco-shaped Brad Pitt fleshlight, if you'd like to try it. Yep. That reminded me of something, though. Oh, what I do is I have a signature that I sign for stuff with, and then when people ask me to sign stuff, I just print my name. Oh.

22:49But I always try to say something nice to them, so it's at least personalized, but they're not really getting my signature. They're just getting my name written out. Hmm. Interesting. How do you sign it? Because I'm just paranoid about this whole identity theft thing. So you won't sign things because of that? Yeah. Wow. That's weird. I mean, why let someone, like a Gene Simmons wouldn't want somebody to be able to do a great job with his signature, I would imagine. Yeah, well, you know, you should definitely be paranoid about identity theft when it comes to credit cards, but I don't really think you should worry about your signature. It's too easy to duplicate. Just carry around a stamp. I mean, you'd have to, I don't think, I mean, who has the kind of technology? But also you can't read my signature, and I think when you're signing something for somebody,

23:30when they show it to people, you know, if it has your name on it, that's one thing. But if you're just signing anything, then when somebody looks at it, I think it's nice to go, oh, Doug Benson wrote that. My signature, you can't read what it is. I don't think that handwriting, I don't think they're that good at that, at recognizing shit. I think you could imitate it. You could figure out how to write somebody's signature, and you could probably pull it off close enough. Yeah, you just have to find it somewhere. You just have to watch their emotions. If you watch them, if you film them, do it, and you saw how they do it, you could just imitate it. Well, that's where my paranoia sets in is when I'm at the ATM, the beeping noises that the numbers make. That takes the privacy out of the number. If someone was just watching the site and recording it, they could figure out the numbers easy

24:15and then jack you up around the corner and then use your card and take out whatever the maximum is. What did you see the new thing? There's a new app for Chase Bank that you could actually scan a check front and back with your iPhone and send it, and it deposits the check. And then you just rip up the check. Wow, that's too ethereal. What about using your iPhone to check in on a plane? Like the barcode for your ticket can be on your iPhone, and I just run that. My fear is, you know, your iPhone's dead, then you don't have a ticket. Yeah, and your iPhone will fucking die. And iPhones die, man. Especially if you fuck around. The new one dies so fast. You know, you make a video, and your power's half gone. Yeah, yeah. You've got to think about that if you're using the camera, for sure. But it's such a great thing to have a good camera.

24:59The other day we were in San Francisco, and we ate some Chinese food after the show. it was like two o'clock in the morning we were outside and i saw it i watched it the hoe truck you tweeted it and i watched it and i was like he must be so high because you kept saying is the craziest shit you ever saw and i know you're at ufc fights every other week so i know you've seen some crazier shit than a bunch of strippers in the back of a sort of weird plastic car i definitely have seen some crazy shit definitely but it was crazy and i was so high yeah yeah i was like it's just like you can't believe it and now to be able to just share it with everybody you were like double rainbow, but with a fucking van full of strippers. He was so excited about it. It was so ridiculous to me. It was such a sign of the times to me. It was like a scene in a movie right before the meteor hit, right before the aliens landed.

25:47Somebody audio-tuned that Joe's video. Audio-tuned Joe's video. There's this big clear box that pulls up and there's girls dancing. It's a fish tank of skanks and they're dancing. I mean, it was the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen in my life. It's for the Hustler Club. We had to rewind the video to find out. But the cops pulled them over because they should be sitting while it's in motion. Right. You can't be dancing while we're driving. You got to sit your little girl out there. But they just did like a quick boop. They didn't really like, because that was what I was waiting for, is like them having to get out and get cuffed or something. We thought that might have happened. We thought they might have been going to jail. Like maybe it's illegal to do that because it seems so ridiculous. But apparently it's not. One of the things that was funny is when we were filming, and I didn't film their faces.

26:30I specifically did it so I knew I was going to put it online. They were already in a plastic car. If I'm going to put it online, you don't need to see your face online. What if you only strip it for a week and then all of a sudden that shit's on the internet forever? So I didn't use their face. But anyway, while I'm filming it, the girl goes, no filming. Like we're in the club. Bitch, you're in front of a Chinese restaurant. You're not at the club. If we're at the club and I'm filming you, yeah, that's a dick move. But you just can't come out into the real world in your underwear. And I can't take a picture of that? That's crazy. Well, that's like the sexy top and the, you know, keep your eyes up here, mister. It's like, well, come on. Jesus Christ. You know what you're doing. Right. You know how the game works. Yeah. They only want you to look if they want you to look. But, you know, it's there for everybody.

27:15My eyes are here. God damn it. Yeah, let's do this. I wonder if you're in a Popemobile for strippers and you don't want us to look at you. It's awesome, though. It was awesome. It was just like such a – first of all, just a perfect representation of how nutty San Francisco is. San Francisco is such a nutty town. Well, it's just that probably no one will complain about that. No one. And I'm sure some kids saw it. Oh, a lot. It's just so liberal there, so open-minded. It's a weird town, man. I wonder if that law with sitting down while you're turning the corner, if it came from like the back in the old days where it was like a pickup truck and girls would just fly off the side of the car. I think you have to have your seatbelt on. I think if you're in a car, you have to wear a seatbelt, right? I mean, that's a lot. If you get pulled over for something else, I think. No, no, no, no, no.

28:01No, they can pull you off for seatbelts alone. I had no idea. I thought it was an add-on charge. No, it's illegal. I was in a cab in San Francisco, and the crusty, older lady cab driver told me, she goes, if you ever want to drive around without a seatbelt on. She goes, I don't like how seatbelts feel. I don't like to have it on. Especially if you've got big boobs, it must be an annoying thing. so she fastens it behind her back so that she's sitting there because what the cops look for is the glint of the buckle because you haven't got it pulled down you don't have the buckle pulled down so they see that and then they can pull you over for that and then get you for other shit pull you over for glint oh we thought you had your seatbelt off and then they can oh we smell marijuana or whatever if you get pulled over for not wearing a seatbelt you're a douche any cop just pulls you

28:52I'm just going to pull this person over I like wearing it to be honest with you I've been pulled over for that I've had a guy tell me to do it and he said you were driving