Bryan Callen

00:00All right, you dirty freaks, Brian Callens here, and I don't know how to turn the music on. It's the podcast. Just thinking like heavy guitars and wind blowing my hair back. It's the fucking podcast. Yeah, it's the Brian Callens on the podcast with Joe Rogan. That was a very interesting dance right there. Yeah, I'm bringing it back. It was like a gay Kenyan dance. I'm bringing back some shit from like the 70s, some acid wood stock shit. If you cook in cast iron, it's an excellent way of getting iron in your diet, which I didn't know. Yes, yes. They say steaks in cast iron. Like you sear a steak in cast iron. But then you can get too much ferrous oxide in your diet and you have to be careful. So Tim Ferriss says in his book that a lot of these guys will actually take a day and eat no iron. Really? Yes, to bring their iron levels down. So there it is. Wow. Ferrous is fascinating.

00:51We've been going back and forth. He's going to come back on the podcast again. I need him on my podcast. Well, let's do it. Let's hook it up. He's a great guy. I got to get him on because I had a conversation with him after I read his book, and I loved him, and he just knows so much. Yeah, he's apparently got a lot of stuff cooking, and he's in the middle of writing a book as well. But, man, I love talking to him. I just love talking to dudes that are just filled with information. Like Rob Wolf, the paleo solution author. What was that like? Fucking great. You know, because I'm reading. The guy's filled with information. It's controversial. Well, but I just read the China study. I talked to you about it. which is about, he's a very, very credible science, and he looks at a lot of science. It says a plant-based whole food diet is the best way to go. The problem is that I think, like we talked about,

01:35if you're doing sports and lifting, personally, I went about a week eating just a whole food plant-based diet. I ate a steak the other day. I woofed it down. I inhaled it. It was literally like, I was like, and I've never felt better, man. I mean, I just need some meat sometimes. I don't think that you can have the same diet for every person. I don't think everybody needs a steak. There's a lot of chicks out there that don't need a steak. They really don't. There's a lot of dudes that don't need a steak. Jamie Kilstein's coming on the podcast tomorrow. He's a vegan. He's healthy. He's happy. And he loves it. He's real fitness. He's always constantly doing martial arts, jujitsu and shit. And he's a vegan. He weighs eight pounds, but he's a vegan. I'm not kidding. He weighs eight pounds. Well, I always look at it. You can't find too many Olympic athletes who are vegans.

02:24No, well, Mack Danzig, who's also going to do the podcast, we're going back and forth. I love that dude. He's a really, really interesting guy. He's a UFC fighter who's a vegan. He's also a photographer, and he works. His reasons are that he loves animals. Yeah, I respect that. And I respect that as well. Look, I love animals too. There's a cycle of life, and I think factory farming is horrific, but I think wild game. I think that's where it's at. I think in a perfect world, we would buy meat from hunters, and that would be a new fucking industry. We'd have to make sure that people weren't poaching. Buy meat from hunters. I think you should be able to hunt a lot of them because deer are fucking everywhere. The idea that there's a... They're glorified cows, dude. Yeah, and we can grow more of them too, by the way. Absolutely. We can grow more of them.

03:07But my point is when they're wild and they're running around and then you just hunt them and kill them, I think, first of all, the whole thing is way more humane because they lived the real life. They lived a real life. The deer's never lived a better life. That's right. They have one life. Forage for food, stay alive. If you do that, you've won. By the way, they are food in the wild. Of course, that's why they're there. Joseph Campbell always said that one of the problems with the original peoples and their mythology was that they would look around at nature and realize that life ate life. If you look at a lot of, whether it's Native Americans or whatever, the traditions of killing animals, they were always fairly, most cultures were always very uneasy with killing an animal, which is why when you killed an animal there was a ritual around that. There was usually prayer said. There were rituals

03:57because human beings were like... They felt the connection. Yeah, we're taken and we're... And when you actually have to kill something with a spear or a bow and arrow or a knife and you feel its heartbeat and you smell that animal, that's very intimate. It's physically intimate. It's very... And almost all Aboriginal cultures had, all that I can think of, had sort of a ritual around that. They would say prayers. They'd do all kinds of things because it makes sense. What we've become is so removed from our food. We're so removed with factory farming and things. It feeds a lot of people, gets a lot of protein, and people don't go hungry anymore. I always remind people 30 years ago, I mean, half of India, a lot of China went through major famines, and certainly most of Africa. But now that's becoming more and more a relic of the past.

04:46it's because we become very efficient at getting food to a maximum number of people. But there's a disconnection. But there's a huge disconnection. Yeah. So when you eat a pig, when you eat bacon that's been in a gestation crate, you know, and goes crazy because it's chewing on the bars, you're not really thinking about it, man. I'm just hungry. You're not thinking it's a pig. You're thinking it's just a piece of ham. We've actually given these really euphemistic names to meat. Having said that, I eat crap. Yeah, it is. We do that. Beef, ham. Yeah. You don't think of it. Veal. Veal. If you ever go to a farm, though, and you're playing around with the lambs and the goats and playing around with them, but you realize, oh, wow, man, that thing is a living, breathing creature that is reacting to me and reacting to its environment. I've got to lock this door. I forgot to lock this door. Keep talking.

05:34Yeah, and it's an interesting thing. If you talk to farmers who are around animals, they're very tuned and keyed into animals and nature on a way that most of us are not. They just have to be. They're very aware of the cycles. They're very aware of all the things. You talk to dairy farmers, there was a mad cow scare, and this woman was being interviewed because they had to kill all our cows in front of her. And then they had to burn the cows. That was a government policy in Britain at the time because these prions were very dangerous. So they took out the whole herd. and she was so devastated because she knew her cows. Every one of her cows she knew had its own personality, had its own name, and she had her own relationship with it. For me, I went, it's a fucking cow, really? And it was devastating for her. Well, she was going to butcher those cows or were they dairy cows?

06:25No, one of them had mad cow disease and the law at the time, this is about 10 years ago, they had to put down the whole herd. Right. But was she raising these cows for butchering? No, dairy. They were dairy cows. And they were also, I believe some of them were for butchering as well. But this was a dairy farm for the most part. So did they feed the cows fucked up things? Did they feed them like cow meat? Apparently what happened with the development of these prions in the central nervous systems of cows, I'm not a scientist, but from what I read, I remember you could eat, if you had a cow that had mad cow disease, it wasn't eating the muscle meat that fucked you up. It was when you ate the brain tissue, spinal cord, and they would ground that up into hot dogs and things like that. And you can take those prions, they're called prions, I think,

07:13and you can heat them up to 500 degrees and they still don't die. Yeah. And you can still get the mad cow disease. So you can't, it's not the, you can't sterilize. I think it's more than 1,000 degrees. It's crazy. And so apparently that came from the fact that you had cows cannibalizing their own tissue because when you slaughter cows, there are certain parts I guess that you don't necessarily need you take 5% of that you put it into the slop and they'll eat it it's so fucked up it's become illegal now but what's fucked up about it is if they could do it with pigs that's okay pigs actually are omnivores but you're doing it with cows like you're just jacking his whole system the reason you don't want an animal cannibalizing itself is because it leads to these really weird pathogens yeah these prions it's why actually in the book of Leviticus which you mentioned. Prions or prions? I think it's called prions,

08:04but the book of Leviticus you were talking about on your show? Yeah. The book of Leviticus is actually a book in the Old Testament that goes into really stark detail about what you can eat and what you can't. And in the Old Testament, they always talk about the fact that you can't eat animals or prey. So you can't eat a leopard or an osprey, an eagle, a hawk. Why? Because those animals eat other animal protein. and you still don't find people eating leopard meat. I think they eat mountain lions. I think mountain lion steaks. You can eat bear and stuff like that, but you wouldn't do it. There's a reason we don't. It's a rarity and we say I think they do because for the most part, no culture has ever eaten the protein, except for fish. But a lot of animals that eat other animals, apparently it's not healthy. It kind of makes sense if you think about it. Well, it's also, they probably taste creepy.

08:58Yeah, well, I've heard that when you eat bear meat, it's really oily and really, like, gamey and oily. But bears are mostly herbivores, actually, unless you're talking about polar bears, which are complete meat eaters. Yeah, we were actually just talking about this, about going hunting. Steve Rinella asked me to go hunting with him to go bear hunting, and I was like, I don't want to kill a bear, man. I don't want to eat it. If it's not something that I really want to eat, like, I like venison. I'll kill a deer. I love venison. I like ducks. My mouth waters when I see it. My dad and I went to Alaska, okay, to go hunt bear. He goes, I want to hunt bear. I go, I'm not hunting bear. He goes, why not? I go, well, because I don't want to kill a bear. Oh, and by the way, either do you. Somebody talked you into it? He goes, well, I'm talking to a guy. I go, well, what do you do? He'd already bought a rifle.

09:45That's how susceptible. He's like, the guy was like, come buy a rifle. I'll buy a rifle. He bought literally like a $12,000 rifle, something crazy, with the scope and everything. So we go there, and I go, I'll go to Alaska with you, but we'll go fishing. He goes, I'll call you right back. He calls me around. Yeah, you're right. I don't want to kill a bear either. Let's go fishing. So he buys a crazy amount of fishing equipment. We go there. We didn't catch one fish, not one fucking fish. Really? What? We're not fishermen. We lost all the lures. We literally lost all the lures. You know how to tie knots? I don't know how to do any of it. So you just took chances like that? We went out there. We paid all this money for this guide. The guide comes back. You've got to learn some good knots, man. That's important. The guide comes back, and he goes, we don't have any more lures.

10:22And he goes, but you had a whole thing of them. He goes, yeah, we lost him. He goes, what do you mean? We were casting over the lake into the trees. He literally goes like this. He goes, how'd you lose all the lords? We were like, I don't know. We never caught one fish. And then he goes, I want to sight my rifle. He brings his rifle. I want to sight it. So the former Marine wants to sight his rifle. So he lies down. He's showing us how to shoot prone, right? Problem is when you're in the Marines, you're shooting military weapons. They don't have the kind of recoil that it's 370 or whatever the fuck it was. I can kill an elk from half a mile away from you. So he's like, he's got his face right up against the scope. And he's like, all right, here. And I'm like right behind him, right? And I'm like, all right. Jesus. He goes, I'm going to shoot that log. I go, do it. So I'm right behind him.

11:05And I don't know if you've ever heard a fucking elephant gun go off when you're close to it. It was so loud that I practiced. I think I shat my pants a little bit, like a little duty flat of my ass. My face, the sound, it was like a fire stick. I was like, so he goes to shoot. And he goes, he shoots. I'm right behind him. And it was so loud. I went, Jesus. Like that. It hit me. I fall back on my ass. He looks up. He's got this really deep, round cut in his eye. Because the scope came back and hit him in the eye. So for the rest of the fucking Alaska trip, we're walking around like a couple of losers. I'm like, don't stand next to me, bro. You look like such a fucking tourist. He has this huge cut around his eye, like half a raccoon. That is hilarious. I'm like, I don't know who that guy is. I know he looks like me, but he ain't my dad. How are you supposed to shoot that through the scope?

11:53Are you supposed to back way up? Yeah. I don't know. It's a 370 or whatever. Or do you just have to brace it better? You've got to brace it better. I shot it six times, and I couldn't shoot it anymore because I literally don't have the meat in my shoulder. It hurt that bad. Jesus, man. Like the kick is that bad. And one of the tricks you do when you don't have earplugs is keep your mouth open when you shoot a gun that loud because the sound has somewhere to go. Oh, my God. Mistake rookies make is they keep their mouth closed. Really? Yeah, so you keep your mouth open and loose. it's one of the rare times in life where you're supposed to keep your mouth open that's what i was told by the way any soldiers out there i don't know maybe i don't know what the fuck i'm talking but that's what the guy told me this guy named swede and he said keep your mouth open that's how

12:31you do it because he was shooting no problem i was like doesn't that hurt it the sound was so loud it hurt my face forget my ears it's crazy that they get to like a level like that it's like they they get guns to the point where you get to like the 50 caliber ring like what are you doing what are you doing what the hell are you doing i want what i want to kill something from a mile away this isn't like i mean that's like some army shit like why why is a regular person buying some army shit that's when you get a when you get one of those high-powered hunting rifles it's to kill an elk do you think half a mile away you know with this uh raging gun control debate in this country do you think that there's any there's any possible way you could make this a safe world Here's what I always say about gun control It's what I talk about with my stand-up Speaking of which, I'll be at the American Comedy Club

13:20This weekend, ladies and gentlemen Thursday, Friday, Saturday, that's down in San Diego Thursday, Friday, and Saturday Oh, shit, bitches Amazing club, by the way We did a desk watch show there We had a fucking great time, man We did a weekend, we did two shows I'm doing all new stuff, I'm excited about my new hour But one of the things I always say One of the things I was talking about with gun control Is gun control in this country in my opinion, will never work in terms of what people are calling for. Because I think that men like their guns, not because they're shiny and they go boom. I actually really believe most men own guns because it's for them, and certainly for me, a feeling that at least I can protect my family if the shit hits the fan. Because a golf club or a sharp stick ain't going to do it. I want

14:06an arsenal in case. And I think most men go, when a politician says, and they have good points, But if a politician says, we want to take your gun away, Americans in particular go, I don't fucking, I don't know, because you're not going to be there when somebody tries to break into my house at four in the morning. I could call 911, but the feeling of a phone in my hand versus my Mossberg 20 gauge, you know, pump action shotgun feels a lot better to me. The real problem is that guns are out there. That's the real problem. If guns didn't exist, then you having a gun would be a different issue. But here's where the debate actually lies for me after this terrible tragedy with the Batman thing. I do think and the NRA from what I can understand isn't that cooperative with this I do think there's a debate to be had about the lethality of weapons do you need a drum that holds 100 rounds? I don't think so

14:54do you need a fucking elephant gun? right I don't think that you necessarily need an assault weapon that goes through a car engine or goes through buildings but you know what all the law abiding people out there like my friend Anthony Cumia from the Opie and Anthony show who's a gun nut why shouldn't he be allowed to have them? It doesn't bother me at all that he has one. I own guns, and I agree. Anthony has a .50 caliber. Jesus. He has one of those cannon things. I don't know. I think there was a politician, he said this about it. He was honest. It was really interesting. He said, what can we do about these mad men? And he said, unfortunately, in a society like ours, that's free and as big as we are, you can't ultimately do anything about a lone, crazy, demented human being who is, whatever he is, schizophrenic. I think, though, the debate lies, can you, though, create a situation where you can keep very lethal,

15:49efficient weapons like machine guns out of their hands? That seems to be the debate. I mean, I don't think you're ever going to stop crazies from getting guns and shooting people, but it'd be nice if they got just a Glock as opposed to an AR-15 with a drum of 100 rounds. Now, this is where the conspiracy theory kicks in, is where all these people believe that the government has brainwashed people like this joker guy to go and commit these things so they can clamp down on gun control. And that when you see, what is this, Eric Holder, you see like, first of all, the nonsense of them selling illegal guns to Mexico and having those guns be used on American Border Patrol agents in murder of war. They're retarded. That was actually a way to track weapons. Whatever. They sold guns, man. I think that is the dumbest idea in the history of dumb ideas. I don't know the details, but it doesn't sound very good.

16:45Well, Alex Jones, of course, put your tinfoil hat on, believes that they did that shit on purpose, and they're making money off of it, and they wrapped it up in a ridiculous, completely implausible plot, like a completely implausible plan. Yeah, the problem with a guy like Alex Jones, in my opinion, is whenever you talk about the government, the government is so diversified with so many different interests. There are so many people that actually are against gun control in government and passionate about it. There are a lot of people in government that are very for gun control. I think there's a lot of debate even within the U.S. Army and the FBI and the CIA about what we should do about everything. I think you're misunderstanding his tone, though. What he's saying is it's a much more sinister thing than the government itself.

17:24What he's talking about is like the world banks and the new world order getting together and physically engineering a situation where they can clamp down on people to take away their guns because they're worried about the economy going into the toilet. And then, you know, when they're passing things like the NDA. Let's give a lot of credit to a group of people. It is. It is. However, when they're passing things like the NDAA, when they pass things like that, you realize, well, they are slowly but steadily taking our rights away in a place, in a time where it's really not necessary. There's no personal attacks. I mean, there's no attacks going on here in America. I would agree with you on that. But I think it's a little bit more insidious and a little bit more subtle than that. I actually think that it's kind of what the Founding Fathers warned about a long time ago.

18:12a lot of times human beings will invent laws that take their own power away in the name of things like safety, in the name of – look at the Patriot Act. Right. You know, those kinds of things where before you know it, there is a – I keep telling you about this. My father, I did a podcast with my dad on the Brian Callen Show, and he was talking about how he spent a lot of time in government, a lot of time down there, watched how it really works. It's not that politicians are bad. It's not that, you know, Republicans are Democrats. A lot of people have good ideas. They're trying to get shit done. Obama's non-associated. It's governments in the business of intent. You're in the business of intent. You have a law and you have an intention. The problem when you have an intention is that there are so many different interests that you have to appease to get that law whole and passed.

19:01And what happens is what you intended usually has other consequences, which would make sense. And I think what we have to worry about is like what you're talking about where we start losing our own power. But it's almost like it happens without us even realizing it. Like you pass a law that seems to be a good law. It has other unintended consequences. Right. And whenever you do anything that compromises people's freedom and liberty, then you have to say, well, what is the end game in this? Because this seems like even in the name of safety, you're going to clamp down on freedom and liberty and safety isn't going to be worth nearly as much. You have to really look at that My father was talking about corporations And he at one point ran the biggest investment bank in the world I heard it was an amazing podcast A lot of people really, really enjoyed it I was so proud of it

19:48You can get it on BrianCallum.com If I wasn't so selfish, I would listen to it Yeah, well no This I think you'd really like though I will listen to it for sure He's so fair He's just about personal liberty But he also understands that he's very moderate about that stuff But he's somebody who talks about, for example, whatever your intention, whatever your intention, as government grows, and both sides are responsible, Democrats, Republicans, it's human. As a government grows with tax revenue or whatever it is, what happens with corporations, they behave just like you and I would, which is, I got to lobby my government so I can get a favorable outcome here because everybody else is doing it. So pretty soon you've got everybody feeding out of or influencing the government trough. It's just how you can't do business. Otherwise, you can't be in business

20:42as a bank without having very strong ties to the government. You can't, you just can't. And therein lies the argument. So no matter what you say, yes, you need government. Yes, there are good ideas out there, you know, but just be aware that regardless, the bigger it gets, even if its intentions are good, you're going to have, you're going to lose, the argument goes, you're going to lose some of your liberties. You're just going to. That seems at least to be what history says. And it seems to be that it's so easy to let something grow completely unnecessarily out of control. If you wanted to, you could micromanage every single aspect of society in order to create new jobs. If you wanted to create new jobs and give more people the work of, you know. Well, look, we were just talking about this this weekend. Now, explain to me how in any way making hemp weed, marijuana illegal. Marijuana is illegal.

21:42You and I were hanging out at a bar this weekend and I remember I said, and there was somebody acting up and they were drunk. And I said, I've never been bothered by a pothead like that. But it's always somebody who's drinking. Now, alcohol causes way more damage. We all know the story. Yeah, well, the facts are as clear as day. Why is marijuana, why are those laws, those federal laws, so difficult to repeal? Well, I'll tell you why, in my opinion. And it goes back to what you brought up. There's a lot of money in enforcing marijuana laws. There's a lot of money. Talk to the DEA. You've got a lot of people whose jobs depend on this stuff. It's not anybody's fault. It's what happens, man. We are all, anytime you have a critique of somebody Just realize if you were in their position You'd probably be the same goddamn way You hopefully not But that's what happens That's why we need clear cut laws

22:36To protect people from their own instincts To protect human nature For you a person who's outside of it Objectively looking at the situation From a knowledgeable point of view You can sort of engineer What is and what isn't legal We have to avoid this so you can't take money We have to avoid that so you can't do this unless you stick by some well-thought rules. You need a scaffolding for humanity to grow on. And when you give people power with no scaffolding. Yeah, I never argue anymore about a Democratic or Republican platform. I never do that. My argument always centers on one thing, which is, hey, look, you got your political point of view. That's great. You got your criticisms. We all agree we need some government. You just need some government. Yeah, we need some moral boundaries. We need some engineering of our culture. Sure. You need law and order. You need roads. You need hospitals.

23:30But we need way less than we have. Well, there you go. And so then the question becomes, how much less do we need? A lot less. Okay. And that's where the debate should, that's where we should talk about why and why. What is the objective? To preserve personal freedom, personal liberty. If they had less laws and more cops, the world would be a way better place. and if the cops were paid better and treated better by people, if more people got their shit together so they didn't look at the cop as like someone who's going to come and arrest you for doing shitty things, just don't be doing shitty things. If we could figure out a way to elevate our society to the next level, I think there could be a way. I was just reading an article about it. But my thoughts of a cop is like a security person, like a friend. Let's put it this way. Instead of thinking of cops as someone who's coming to bust you

24:22or someone who's going to take your shit, if you had good cops in a community, it's like if you had a fucking fort and your buddy was the guy who had to watch the door with the gun because there's crazy Indians or who knows what the fuck could happen. You need that. That shit is very important. You have to have somebody guarding the wall. And somewhere along the line, it stopped being that and it became an us versus them, the society versus the cops. I do think, though, that a lot of police forces, that's not lost on a lot of cops and a lot of the brass. For example, in New York, I just read an article that crime is down since the 90s by 80%. Yeah, that's amazing. And a lot of it had to do. And mostly in black and Hispanic neighborhoods. Mostly Giuliani came in and just cut the bullshit. Yeah, and it was Bratton and their notion of equality of life laws. They said, if somebody graffitis a wall,

25:16they probably do other things that are bad too. So we're going to start enforcing those small crimes because they lead to bigger crimes, that kind of notion. And it's interesting how many people were so down on Giuliani doing that, really upset that he's ruining New York. New York's the best. I was in New York. I shot a movie there three weeks ago or whatever. It's better than I've ever seen the city in my life. That's incredible. It's incredible. It's a better place to be than anywhere. It's the best I've ever seen it. It's a better place to be than anywhere in the world? Well, in some ways. I don't want to get carried away. What's the greatest part about it to you? Accessibility to everything that's everything and feeling safe doing it. First of all, you've got the Lower East Side, which is totally different than the Lower West Side,

26:01which is totally different than the Upper West Side, which is totally different than Midtown, which is totally different than the Upper East Side. And there's an experience to be had in all quadrants of Manhattan. You can get there in 15 minutes by cab or less or by subway. and most importantly, you no longer walk around New York feeling like you're going to get mugged or anything else. See, that's the feeling that people still have about Manhattan is that weird feeling of worrying about being mugged. Sure, because it's so big. But if you look at the statistics, the police have done an amazing job of policing. And you know who else has done a really good job? I can't remember our police chief here in L.A., but they've done a really good job, really good job, at controlling gang violence in this. and it's almost impossible in such a huge area, but they've done a really innovative job comparatively.

26:50They've learned a lot from the gang explosions in the 80s and the 90s, and they've done a really good job in a lot of places. It's kind of fucked when you really wrap your head around it. That should be the laws that people are concentrating on. What is causing that kind of shit? I know what it's causing. I have an opinion on that. Gangs, I think a lot of it starts with... No family. Exactly. I talked to a principal in Kansas City. I said, what would you do about education? And I wanted to get into a talk about it. And he said, nothing. Our schools are great. Our parents are fucked up. If they had good parents, it'd be fine. I was like, oh, geez. I never thought. He goes, my school's great. I just got parents that don't, they're not present. They got three kids they can't take care of. And it comes down to that. There's a lot of that, man. There's a lot.

27:31I think gangs are about kids who just want to feel significant and belong to something. Yeah, absolutely. Everybody has the need to belong to a team or a tribe. I mean, that's why we call ourselves a death squad. But that's why I love being a part of 10th Planet Jiu-Jitsu. You become a part of a team. You feel stronger. So some kid who's out there on his own, his family just fucking sucks and his whole life has been shit. And he's there with some dude who will shoot a dude for him. That's kind of what the podcast is too, isn't it? Yeah. Joe did a show this weekend in Denver. And that crowd was so, they were so unbelievable. It was like a rock star. I went out as Joe. And I was like, what's up, you fucking freaks? Yeah, we wanted to see how long it would take before people realized. They thought it was me. And they must have been like, what the hell? Joe got skinny and a little taller with a beard.

28:24That's weird. But anyway, but they went crazy. And then watching all those people line up just to take a picture with you, they feel like they belong to an experience. They feel like they belong to something. Like even I do that, my 10-minute podcast. I noticed a lot of young men, they go on to that kind of humor. They like the silliness that we do because it's kind of like recess. When you create a following and you create a core group of people, it makes them feel like they belong to something. I think that's why they root for a team. You have an experience with it. It's the same kind of thing. Well, this is an even more intimate experience because you're in people's fucking heads, man. That's why people get so annoyed if you say something over, repeat things, or if you do something they don't like. Like, people are allowing you, like, the most intimate sort of, like, input into their brain.

29:16You're in the fucking earbuds. And you're literally playing inside their ear. And you're talking inside their head. And if you're annoying, that's a mind fuck. But if you are really genuinely on a good path and you really are genuinely promoting other people to be on a good path to and just brotherhood. You know, Tom Rhodes sent me a text today that was a really fucking awesome text because Tom just did the Ice House Chronicles show that we do at the Death Squad at the Ice House. The Ice House is an amazing old comedy club. And we've been doing these shows, and we're going to do one this Friday night, where we have all these comics. It was Dom Herrera. This week it's Greg Fitzsimmons, Joey Diaz. Joey's on all the time. Bert Kreischer was there this week. I mean, these shows are fucking incredible, okay? And we're hanging around in the back room, and we're doing a podcast.

30:07It's me and Chrysher and Tom Rhodes and Dom Herrera and Brody Stevens And we are laughing our fucking dicks off. It's so fun. It's like the stuff we always did but now Yeah Hundreds of thousands of people but it's it but what what Tom said he's he goes I really loved the feeling of comedy brotherhood You know and that's what it that's really what it was. It's like we have like a comedy brotherhood and We really genuinely like each other love each other and want each other to succeed and are happy when each other succeeds that's the one thing that's missing in our group is that weird comic neurosis that often exists where people can't be happy with other people's success bitter bitter like narcissistic or bitter kind of like damaged like islands that's what you'd get a lot with like stand-up comics well it's they haven't been told man it's it's like it's like learning jujitsu wrong or

31:02learning to play the guitar wrong. You haven't been told the way to manage your mind. And what you don't realize is that even though you are separate from other people, you're really not. And you get something from them, positive or negative. And that affects you. And if you can generate positive feelings in other people, then you will get more positive feeling in your own life. You know what's really weird? I'm reading this book called The Sociopath Next Door, written by this Harvard psychiatrist. Yeah, I read an excerpt about that where they were saying some frightening numbers. Well, sociopaths, you were just talking about connection and how important it is. And the feeling you get from when you move other people and you get moved from other people. And most of us who are normal, we get this. Sociopaths, they don't even get that from their own children.

31:53They don't even get, like, they could be very successful, but they don't get any satisfaction out of getting the adulation. The only thing that they usually get pleasure from is winning and controlling other people's reactions. Isn't that wild? So the idea is whatever they can do, power over people is what gets them off and winning. That's the only thing that gives them the satisfaction because they can dominate. I think we know comics like that. There are a lot of people like that. I think we know one, at least. And it's usually the ones that are in trouble for being unoriginal. It's the desire for conquest that supersedes everything. And they really don't have any problem fucking people over. And that's where it gets really weird. Every time I've ever fucked anybody over in my life, it is left a bad feeling. Like, we were talking before the show about stealing material.

32:48And I said when I was an open miker I totally stole I stole Greg Fitzsimmons' stuff We spoke about it to each other We said like dude if I'm on the road and I'm bombing I'm doing your shit We made agreements with each other But even though I told those people his joke And it wasn't my joke I still felt like I was full of shit And it like fucked with me for years Do you know what I do every time now I do stand up My buddy Sam Brown who was a great comic Who died of pancreatic cancer about two months ago and I was really close to him. I knew him for 20 years and he was the first headliner I'd ever seen who would crush. He was from Boston and now every show, I steal one of his jokes. It's like my little homage to him. I just put it in there. I just kind of slide it in just as my little like, because I know, I wrote on his deathbed, unfortunately he couldn't talk but his wife read it to him. I wrote, I said, listen man,

33:40you know, you're one of the greatest comics. You always made me laugh. If there's any way I can have your material, I mean, you don't need it anymore. I fucking wrote that. And she read it to him, but I don't think he was able to, I don't think he was conscious about it. I hope he could hear it, and I hope I made him laugh before he died. Yeah. Because I literally, by the way, I recorded two podcasts with him. One, he knew he was dying on my podcast. So it's pretty cool, pretty moving. You can do my shit if I die. I'll do your shit. That's what I want to do for my friends. I'll send you some of my notes. He had great bits, man. He had fucking great bits. He would talk about how small his dick was. I'll be behind the grid going, dude, no, no, you fucked the order up. I'll screw your jokes up, man. Your jokes would be hard to steal though because I was watching you this weekend

34:23and one of the things I loved was it was almost like you were, because I know a lot of this stuff is new, and so so much of it was just you kind of having an experience. It's like what I like about your stand-up is you're always kind of having an experience and you're doing it for you and you're working something out and you're looking at how weirdly, how weird we are structured as a society, our minds are, why we do things that make no sense, why contextually something makes sense, but then it doesn't in this case. And it was so fun to watch because I was like, you know, the comedy is almost secondary to the experience. Yeah, yeah, it's funny, yes. But you're almost like, I really think people are watching you kind of have your own very authentic and unique experience, verbal experience. That's what I felt like. I come away with a very different

35:12perspective it's very inspiring to me because i start writing differently really yeah when i see you i go i i it's a really nice it's what i love about like having friends that inspire me which you've always done like it's just like you have that's that's who your friends should be you know i know you i have friends that are wonderful that are i play grab ass with but then you have friends that are like that really inspire you to be better and push you just by their example well they make you better they make you know you make me better good i like hearing unquestionably we all make each other better you know you always right you have your bar has always been oh i don't know how to describe where you place the bar but i always would watch you and i've seen you at your best i've seen you when your shit is fucking so tight and you're just a machine gun like i remember when

35:57you were younger i'd never seen you did something to a crowd in new york i remember it was i was with patty jenkins you were a fucking machine gun it was like literally these new yorkers like all these comics got them and then joe rogan gets up and it was literally like we were like looking at so they're going what the fuck is what the fuck is this and it was what it was was somebody who had never taken a day off and had only been working on being as authentic with their their experience and what a lot of people don't know about your early stuff is you were so good at impressions you did all of it it was funny but really true so for me it was just literally like a fucking tsunami we were like jesus christ that's how you do stand-up that's how you do it good luck anybody trying to follow that fucking ball of fucking energy because you just come on there were certain bits that I couldn't

36:42follow myself I had to do them last and you were so physical, muscular but really flexible you do weird shit like fall into the splits I remember one time we had a meeting we were pitching a TV show and we were sitting on a couch I think it was with Eric Tannenbaum like big producers and we were talking about martial arts and you go yeah I'm flexible and I was like yeah I'm flexible too and you go yeah but you can't do this and you grabbed your ankles and fucking pulled them up You did the splits in the air. And we were all like, what the fuck is that? What is that? He's made of rubber. And you used to bring that shit to the stage. And it's just really wild to watch you kind of continue to grow and change your expression. Well, you just keep adding information to the pile. You keep adding your learned experiences. So if you're still into it and you don't diminish your focus. My focus is a real wrestling match.

37:39because I, you know, like in Steven Pressfield's books, he talks about distractions and different things that you, and I do, I will, I certainly battle with those things. But I also battle with other things that I enjoy, like, you know, what he calls distractions, like, that I think make me better. I think the better I get at pool, this seems really strange, but the better I am at comedy. And right now, I've never been better at comedy, and I've never been better at pool. Like, I've got this weird thing going on, where I can tune in to, to me it seems to be about tuning in to whatever the fuck I'm trying to do, whether it's jujitsu, whether it's pool, but it's stand-up comedy, but I have to have that same sort of intensity and energy. And if I dwindle, if I drop below a certain level, I can't rely on my learned experiences with stand-up. I can't rely on the past.

38:37I have to constantly be maintaining a certain amount of current interest. Well, that's what I was going to say. What I think the secret to your success is, and I always try to tell people this, because people get very frustrated and discouraged by the process of accomplishment. Because there are so many plateaus, and you're always, always, like a lot of people, well, this didn't work out. And I'll just say this to everybody, because I've been pretty successful, and I have people come up to me, and when you do a show, they want to take pictures, and they look at you as a success in this business. And you, being one of my closest friends, you had a critique of my recent special on Showtime, which I wasn't very happy with. But what was great about it is you said, hey, Brian, you could be a great, you could be way better than you are. Now, I shot a fucking Showtime special.

39:23A lot of people are like, whoa, you shot a special. I'm not working on my second. But you said, you're putting a little too much English on the ball, okay? A little too slick playing around. And what that does, and of course, I know that. It's a trick. Of course, of course I know that. Yeah, I've done it. I look back at my old stuff where I did that. It's the grossest feeling of all time. But that's okay, because what it means is that no matter where you are in your career, you've always got to be assessing. You've always got to be taking yourself to task and kind of taking a look at yourself objectively and going, I got to work a little harder. I'm watching my last special that I edited. It's the best shit I've ever done, and I can't even watch it. I was like, oh, I look so stupid. I can't watch me. I fucking talk too much.

40:03Even when I stumble through like one, I'll fuck up the one word, I'll have one little stumble in there. And it's just like watching a puppy get hit with a hammer. The first time I saw myself on camera was when I was a wrestler when I was 14. And I walked out on the mat and I used to think I was the baddest guy on the planet. I looked at this video and I went, well, who the fuck is the kid with rickets? Who the fuck is that? It was me. I've never been more devastated I was like I'm that skinny in a singlet I'm never wrestling again I'll go out in a burka before I fucking go out in a singlet that's that's an affront that's a horrible my buddy wrote a book which I told you you should have him on your podcast his name is Hunter Motz he wrote a book called A Straight A Conspiracy he speaks 10 languages fluently this kid graduated from Harvard with a biochemistry degree okay and I said why'd you write the book he said well

40:57I said how do you learn 10 languages fluently and he's fluent and he said oh it's because I know I can do it and everybody who learns languages or math thinks they can't because they have an emotional context around it that's all and I went what does that mean? he said I'm writing a book about it I'll tell you about it later I had him on my podcast he wrote a book called The Straight A Conspiracy and if you look at all the math all the science around learning which he did one of the things that they find for sure is that people have these myths about themselves I'm not a math person I am a math person I'm artistic I'm not artistic I'm musical I'm not musical if you actually look at the science that's being done about learning and why some people are very good at some things and others are not i'm talking broad scope here um what you find is that the

41:43emotional context with which they learn something is has everything to do with whether or not they're going to excel at that everything so in other words whatever emotional state you approach learning something growing at something means everything it's it's what it's all about if you are in a pleasant environment where somebody makes it fun for you, okay, you're going to learn it. Why are a lot of Asian people, so the stereotype goes, like Chinese people good at math and a lot of Americans aren't? I'll tell you why. If you read Malcolm Gladwell's book, The Outliers, and my buddy's book, Straight A Conspiracy, it has to do with a culture that says, well, yeah, this math problem is really hard, and I guess I'll be here for the next two and a half hours. Americans are like, I'm not going to sit here for two and a half hours. I got shit to do. this is fucking really hard guess what not a math person

42:35and then your parents go yeah he's not good at math isn't it fascinating though that the culture that is the least inclined to do that hard work is the culture that has the best art well we also have the best math and science surprisingly because we have immigrants just competition too and the competition is fierce and the possibilities are pretty intense I also happen to believe that that is the reason we're so good at art and things is because it is we place emphasis on the individual yeah it's your individual expression is what you can benefit from and we have freedom to do it you can't be expressive right imagine having your podcast in russia no well i can i can't even imagine having my podcast in america in a few years that's what's really a problem what's really a problem is the more you get shit like this

43:20national defense authorization act the more these different laws are passed that slowly but surely take away your right to say certain things they just outlawed protest at military funerals The government has recently reinstated propaganda. They're allowed now, they haven't been since the 1940s, to actively use propaganda on the American people. That's legal now. And all this shit is going on while the internet is growing, while people's access to information is just flying at them. It's like this desperate, last-clawing attempt at a dying culture to hold on to power. And it's disgusting. It's disgusting that anybody would ever allow the government to use propaganda, meaning mislead, lie, and distort the truth for the public in order to emphasize their point. That you would give that power to the government is so beyond sick.

44:18But as long as you realize that that is always going to be the case and that you have to always be aware of that. The problem is that it's happening, though. The problem is that it's a trend. It's happening. And it takes a lot to stop a trend. It takes a lot to back it up. You know why? How do you stop it? You write your representative. I mean, what happens after a while is I start to feel like I'm not represented. Right. I start to feel like if I'm not a corporation with a lot of money to buy lobbyists. No, you're not. I don't have a way of influencing my government. For example, New York Times ran an article recently about I travel a lot, as do you. And when you walk through the two boxes where you put your feet and you end your stare. Yeah, you put your hands up your hand. I'm not talking about the phone book that goes around you. I'm talking about the two boxes you walked through.

45:01Well, that's radiation. And the New York Times wrote an article, and it was about a week ago, if you guys want to look it up, about the fact that they actually aren't too sure how much radiation you're getting. They think it might be one-tenth of a chest x-ray in some cases. More importantly, they don't maintain them as well. They had some crazy number of maintenance requests, many of which were not met. You're putting your trust into the TSA. They're probably good people doing the best they can, and in some ways they do a great job. But the fact that I didn't know that I was being blasted with radiation No matter how small, not doing it I don't do that, I have them pat me down And Did anybody ever get creepy with you when you asked for a pat down? I was hoping they would But they didn't Not on me creepy sexually No, no, no Because Graham Hancock Who's a guy I found on the podcast before

45:47He was from England He came to America and he didn't trust the radiation of the machine He said they violently, like almost assaulted him Oh really? No, I never had to Yeah, he said it was very rape-like They grabbed his cock, like the whole deal. No, they were really polite to me, actually. They went, all right, no problem. I think it's who you get. You might get some guy who doesn't like English people. Dude has an accent. He's like, I'm not going to go through there. I'm actually impressed with the TSA and how professional a lot of them are. I'm actually impressed with how courteous they are. You're such a fucking Fox News contrarian. I would have known that you were going to say that. If we brought up the, what about TSA? Cunts? You know what? Actually, statistically, the TSA. Because I like everybody. Because I like everybody. I have no like result. By the way, just for the record, everybody,

46:27I violate all my rules in the show. I don't believe as an actor I should be talking about anything, including politics, but I can't help it. I'm like, anyway. As an actor? How could you say as an actor? I mean, as a comic. You're a comic. If you're a comic, you should be able to... You know that ridiculous idea that you should be able to talk about anything except religion or politics? Yeah. Well, that alone is just like a cry or a call, rather, to a middling state of mind. Well, the bummer is that every time I... communication you know it's like i think if you're not politically committed to some extent then it's at your own peril if everybody wants to be uh ignorant about what's going on in their world and politics then then good luck trying to change anything and more importantly good luck being able to see what what's happening most people don't have the fucking time man that's part of

47:13the problem most people have lives they have jobs and children and all that other stuff that goes along with them hobbies you have time to develop a philosophy you don't have to worry about the minutiae but you have my point my point is that what you were saying earlier is that they don't feel like they're being represented so they don't feel like their efforts put into it have any great reward you know they don't they feel like completely there's a lot of people i think a good percentage more than half that feel completely alienated from the system and that's a conservative estimate if you say that half the people in this country feel alienated from the system that's a failing system no matter how you look at it and the problem is people don't feel rewarded for investing in a failing system. When a guy like Obama gets the Nobel Peace Prize and then sends 30,000 more fucking troops to Afghanistan

47:58and everybody's like, Jesus Christ, man. Like, what kind of system is this? Who would have said that that's okay? Who would have wanted their sons to go? Who would have wanted their brother to go? Get the fuck out of here. That's nonsense. That's craziness. But yet it's happening. So we don't feel represented. I bet you, I wonder if Obama himself feels in one of the ways like a listless play thing. I wonder. You know what I mean? I bet you his biggest complaint is the fact that he doesn't have any power at all. I bet you that he makes it well. He knows that if he makes one decision, he's going to appease 50% of the people and piss off the other 50%. I mean, it's got to be a strange job if you just stop and think about who you are before you become president. If you take out all the nonsense, the tinfoil hat stuff about the Illuminati running things, and let's just pretend for a brief moment

48:46that maybe elections are real, okay? And maybe Obama is just a regular dude who became a senator, who's a regular dude, who ran for president, who activated a big wellspring of hope in his people, and then they put him into office. And then once he gets in there, then he has to deal with these international banks. He has to deal with things like Halliburton. He has to deal with people like Dick Cheney, Rumsfeld. Think about all the people that were in power before him. Think about all the people that he has to communicate with. Think about all the shit that went down in that office. Think about all the people that died all over the world because of the actions of the group of people he replaced. And think about what that must feel like to step into those shoes. And then all of a sudden you realize you are at the helm of a murder machine.

49:33You are at the helm of a thing that is in every single part of the world. Not only that, it's also a huge octopus that is not being run by one particular. No, it's being pilfered by a bunch of different interests. but they're profiting in massive, massive amounts on war itself. Boeing and Raytheon and all those companies that make a lot of money off of what Eisenhower called the military industrial economy. And so as a president, do you feel like when you get in there, you just slowly try to put on the brakes? I mean, how much control does a guy have? Because it doesn't seem like we deviated much from Bush to Obama at all. And in fact, they cracked down on secrecy issues and crack down on prosecuting people for leaking information. And Obama was very much about the drone program, special forces program. He made a joke about using the drones if someone tried to date his daughters.

50:28He made a joke in one of those, you know they do one of those functions where he does one-liners? Obama got up there and he made a joke about if you were dating his daughters, he has one word for you, drones. Jesus. Yeah. Well, it's kind of funny. but not when you're the president. That's not when thousands of civilians have been murdered by drones. Thousands of innocent civilians. I don't know what the number is now but it was in the thousands. Someone sent me all the statistics on Twitter. They've killed a lot of bad guys. But again, it was what we were talking about with factory farming. When you have people in Nevada and Florida who go to a room and they kill people who are a thousand miles away via camera and with these drones. Think about that. My joke was the war hero in 20 years is going to be the chubby guy with huge thumb muscles that smells like Doritos and weed, right? Yeah. Because he's a gamer.

51:19He's being hooked up on AlphaBrain. There is a psychological component when you're removing yourself from the actual – when you're a Marine, you're drawing a bead, you're shooting a guy, and you're running, and you see the guy die and stuff. When you're in a room in your country and you go home after operating these drones and killing whatever it might be, maybe it's one person, maybe 25, whatever it is, or you drop a 1,000-pound bomb on, shoot a hellfire missile, whatever comes out of those things, that's kind of really, that raises a lot of questions. It raises a lot of questions when we're this removed from the actual experience of killing. And what we were talking about earlier, it's all connected. The sociopath does not have that feeling of connection and only feels pleasure when they win. And what is war but completely sociopathic behavior?

52:07And what is friendship other than non-sociopathic behavior? The connection that you get with people being the most important thing. We were talking about when we were doing this podcast that we've created an environment. We've created a – it's not as simple as this is a show. It's a bunch of people tuning into the show and getting like a positive thing out of it and having conversations like this And these conversations take place in their head and they experience it they they learn from it They it gives them hope it gives them a mindset that they can they can accomplish something with it gives them a Do you know how many fucking people I've had come up to me and go dude since I've listened to your podcast I've lost 70 pounds. I start drinking kale shakes. I think come to me every fucking show It's incredible

52:51It's also important when you have a debate and we have a discussion like we do to actually take a look at where to place the focus. For example, a lot of people say, well, the military. Well, the military, there are a lot of people in the military who are carrying out these, who are doing these things that never agreed with the war in the first place. I mean, we have a civilian government that controls the military, that makes these decisions for the military. The military just carries out orders. That's how our government works. The military has a job to do. If you send them into a war zone, they're going to get the job done. And a lot of guys, I mean, I know, you know, I went to Afghanistan, but I know enough people in the armed forces. A lot of men in the armed forces and women have an ideology that they believe in. It's this country. It's the things that they'll do.

53:35And they come in, they're loyal servants. They risk their fucking lives and they go do their job. And a lot of them get maimed. They lose their arms. They lose their friends and everything else. I think that when you start to look at how this war has gone over the past 11 years, And I'm talking about Khosan and Iraq You've got to be very very conscientious About not only How this really started Who were the architects Who was the intellectual force Who was the argument behind it How did this happen How did this turn into a huge snowball And the reason you should know about that Is because your lives and other people's lives Depend on it in the future We'll get ourselves into another situation You know my buddy It's not weird though That's what's really going on. I'm sorry? It's not we're going to get ourselves into another situation. Somebody else is going to do it.

54:22Well, my buddy, I think I put it on Red Band's thing, on Death Squad, but my buddy who I interviewed, who's a special forces guy, who's a real, I don't know what he does, but I know he's very much involved. He was the baddest guy I ever knew growing up. And he just said about the war effort, he watched what's happening. He'd been in Iraq for, I guess, seven years. And he said, Iraq is a country now. We've created a mini Saddam in this guy Maliki. He's a Shiite. He's got police squads that report directly to him. So we go into Iraq. There's this notion that, well, he's got the fourth largest army in the world. We've got to stop him from dropping a weapon in al-Qaeda's hands. There's the arguments and stuff. What we've done in some ways, if you look at Iraq with the exception of Kurdistan and stuff, is that we've really destroyed that country. A lot of people are dead.

55:11and we've put into place somebody who is keeping his people or has a potential of keeping his people in the same kind of oppression technically as Saddam did. Now, what is the objective? What are we doing? Was this worth it? Was it worth killing all those people? Was it worth all those soldiers who didn't come back and many more who were wounded? That's the question. And more importantly, what lessons can be learned? What do we have to learn from Iraq and Afghanistan? What do we have to learn so we don't get ourselves into the situation again. Sometimes war is inevitable, man. It is. That wasn't an inevitable one. That was one that we got tricked into. Okay. I mean, what we have to realize is... How do we not get tricked the next time? Well, we have the Internet now. I think we have a completely different sort of playing field than what existed back when Bush and Cheney dragged us into the Iraq War.

56:00I think the Internet has evolved far past where it is. That's why things like WikiLeaks are so terrifying to the powers that be. It's real hard to get away with shit Even with the internet though, there's so much countervailing information too Like you get one argument and you get another But that's just debate I'm talking about straight information I think that the access to information Is ultimately changing the world that we live in And it's happening so quickly And these kind of conversations Really weren't commonplace when we were kids When we were 16 and 17 Our parents weren't having these kind of conversations They just weren't It's a different world We know more about how things work, and because of that, it makes it harder and harder to accomplish fuckery. It's still going on right now, but ultimately, it's got to die off.

56:47In order for us to have any sort of religious society, we're going to have to evolve past that and realize, just as you and I realize as friends and as members of our community, that it's not necessary. and that kind of energy that you put out to control people and to profit from other people's losses is totally non-beneficial to you as well. Just because you're pulling it off under the guise of a corporation doesn't mean that you are immune to the negative rebound of that because you're not. And you want to call it karma. You want to call it what goes around comes around. Whatever you want to call it, it's real. I have experienced it. I am walking proof of it. My whole life is proof of it. I have been, the negative things that I've ever done in my life, I have felt in great deep detail and rebounded as much as possible to turn that terrible feeling into positive energy.

57:50And that is why I've been a happy person my whole life. But do you think that's because, because I always wonder, I try to help people a friend of mine who's going through a tough time now and I realize that one of the reasons that he's going through a hard time is he's not in any way actually really confronted and asked himself what he wants you can't get a guy to do that though but don't you think that part of your success is the fact that you've always been able to see in technicolor what you wanted and what you wanted to be well you know what it is first of all it's just pressing forward that's constant need to write new shit, to do different things, that constant need to be in motion, the constant need to be doing something whether it's doing jiu-jitsu or playing pool or writing more jokes or getting on stage, that forward momentum, that is a constant. That is the reason why I've done everything.

58:46That's like passion, right? Yeah, and you can transfer it, it's like the Miyamoto Musashi quote, once you understand the way broadly you can see it in all things. It's like the idea that once you lock on to what it is to really focus and get good at something Then you can care but it's also that it's really satisfying to accomplish things It's really satisfying to write things. It's really satisfying to do shows I've been taking I don't even know why I did it But I've always wanted to play the drums so I've been taking drums for a year now It's actually changed not only my comedy but my sports like like I pick up on shit really fast now because with the drums I'm having to do one thing with my foot one thing with this one thing with this so my brain is firing it's firing so it's changed the way I read it's changed the way I do stand up it's really wild it's a really good mental and I'm listening differently

59:35I'm never going to be in a band by the way right but you're just enjoying it I'm just enjoying it I love that I think that's very important to life and I think a lot of people like there's there's like a lot of people that have falsely rewarded being a lazy cunt and they're like I'd rather just sit in front of the TV, chill with my beers, watch TV. Let me tell you something. This is the real reality of life. If you don't earn something, you won't appreciate it. It's why people win the lottery and they lose all their money within a year. When you earn something, you appreciate it. It is a golden, steadfast rule of life. And if you're laying around on the couch watching TV and you haven't done anything to deserve that, it doesn't feel good. it doesn't feel good it doesn't you feel like a fucking loser but when I do something like if I write and I blast out like three or four hours of really good shit and I'm like ah yes

60:28I feel good I feel fired up I can't wait to do a show I can go watch TV and I can enjoy it I can go watch Mountain Men and I enjoy watching these fucking guys here's what I think is really like works for me is I go I sit down and I go like this I go what do I want to what do I want to do and what am I going to regret not doing when I'm 90 you know I say to myself, I go, what do I really want to do? And I go, and what do I want to do in three months or six months and stuff like that? And then I literally, I structure my day. And I think you can do this no matter who you are. You structure your day so you go, you wake up every morning, you go, what action? Just one action, maybe two actions, whatever. What action can I take today just to get a little closer to that goal? I just want it just to get a little closer. Whatever it is. You know, maybe it's 20 minutes of practicing your takedowns or whatever it might be.

61:13I want to get my black belt in jujitsu. I want to be able to play drums in a band. Whatever it might be I want to be able to speak a language Who the fuck's calling me during my podcast God damn it It's Brian Redband Maybe he's calling to tell me that the show's down Hey boo you're live on the air His mic's out? It's really quiet Well he keeps backing up That's what it is Yeah Oh really? Yeah, you can't be talking back there all casual, bitch. Okay, I got to get in. Thanks, Brian. This is technical information delivered via telephone, ladies and gentlemen. Brian Redband on the scene. Follow him, Redband on Twitter. All right, buddy. And me, Brian Callen, at Brian Callen on Twitter. I respond to all my Twitters. By the way. What were we talking about? I wasn't saying anything very important, probably. But this idea that we were talking about before, of community, of all influencing each other in a positive way,

62:15that gets lost in big numbers and the problem is we could have a great tribe of like 50 people and keep it together and have the most awesome utopia you know what as i've heard boulder described boulder is like a really small mountain community but it's so small it's like it really almost is like a functional working utopia but i think that we could do that it's possible to do that as a country we just have to get more people in tune to thinking correctly and most people are just never taught how to think. They're never taught that they can manage their consciousness. They've never been taught that there are patterns that a mind can go down that's self-destructive, completely self-destructive, and also totally unnecessary. And you have to learn, like, all the times I've blown my cool for nothing, and still do. I might be in my car. Retard! And hit the horn and fucking pass somebody. It's just so

63:08pointless. So stupid. I freaked out today at the airport. And it's almost always a sign that I'm doing too much. It's always a sign of some sort of external stress it's affecting, you know, whatever it is. But when you can see that, if you can see that, and if you can go in the right direction, if we could fucking influence a giant group of people to go in the right direction, then you really can change something. You really can change people. But that starts with individuals really asking themselves what they want. It starts with inspiration. It doesn't always start with individuals asking themselves what they want. Sometimes it starts with inspiration where you realize there's no difference between them and me. They were losers too. I've been a loser. I've been a fucking failure in my life. Hardcore. I've had people say, did you ever bomb on stage? I'm like, oh my Christ, did I bomb. I've bombed so hard.

64:02I've bombed so hard where no one who ever watched me that day would have ever thought that I could ever be funny. Ever. I had a girl send me a short film. her name is Diana and she sent me a film and she wrote basically a movie, a short film about her experience with a guy on a date and the guy was me and she never told me that but she sent it to me and all the lines the guy was saying were lines I had said to her and let me tell you something man I called her up and I went, Diana I go, I'm so sorry, I was such a fucking arrogant prick, I was such a dick because I didn't even understand, you were a woman and I had a projected notion of what you were, what you thought, and I thought I was so much smarter than you were, and you were looking at me like I was a guinea pig in a fucking maze, like a rat in a maze, like literally like, look at this monkey, talk to me like I'm an idiot. Trying to fuck me. Yeah, exactly,

64:58and he's just hitting me with all these things and he's just a dick. Literally, I looked at it, I was just appalled. I was appalled at who I was. And it's just because I didn't know any better. I just didn't, I had preconceived notions of what women were, preconceived notions of how they thought, preconceived notions of what a man was supposed to be and they're all fucked up by the time you get to your 20s and you're having experiences with women these are not first of all, social experiences when you're involving people that are sexually attracted to each other are very complicated, they're very awkward there's plenty of room for misunderstanding there's plenty of room for offending people, putting out bad vibes, being too forward being too it's a very strange sort of a situation anyway. So we're not good at navigating it. You know? And we, you know, when you're young especially, you say the dumbest

65:46fucking shit. And most of the time, you fucking hate yourself after it's over. You don't, you don't, you didn't want to do that. It's just, it's like you being thrown in a major league baseball game and someone telling you to hit that ball. That fucking thing's flying at me! That's exactly right. You're really not prepared for that extreme experience. There's no manual for life. I mean, well, not only that, I mean, how much did your fucking I don't know how much your parents taught you, but how much did your parents teach you about dating? Nothing. T-R-O! I was just talking about that with my son. I was like, I wasn't really taught women the complexity of the female psyche. I'm definitely going to have to have a talk with my son about that, but yeah. Oh, yeah, that's going to be... I mean, it's so important to try to actually raise a kid that can understand what's next on the horizon.

66:34Give them a little heads up of like, this is what I went through. so this is probably that that would fucking help a lot also when it comes to dating my fucking parents didn't give me any dating advice also because you have you're also given a very weird archetypal notion of what masculinity is too like that's also like being what i didn't even know what what a man defined was it was difficult i had an example what's to everybody it's different you know i mean what it is a man is a person who does this is what i believe a man is a person who does what he wants and what makes him happy as long as he's not hurting other people who actually follows through and does what he wants as opposed to someone who's someone's bitch. Let me tell you something. If you're a gay guy, okay, and you're not out there blowing guys

67:12because you're worried about what other people think, you're somebody's bitch. Whether you realize it or not, you're the bitch of all the prejudiced people that want to stop people from being gay. And if you're a man, you'll go out there and suck some cock. That's reality. That's true. Because that's what life is. What I like, you probably don't. But it's my right to like what I like. And being a man is going after what you like. And if you want to fucking take the easy way out and take some job that you know you can do instead of pursue a career in writing books or pursue a career racing horses, whatever the fuck you're compelled to. Steve Steven Pressfield in Going Pro had the best example. He said, you may have your degree in comparative literature. You may have a PhD in comparative literature and teach comparative literature. But guess what? You should have written a novel.

67:56So that's just a form of high-tech procrastination. So you're right. I mean, it's really a question of going for what you want. And, you know, a real man can be a guy who fights in the cage or a guy who's a nurse in a fucking hospital, you know? Yes. Whatever it is that you're doing, whatever you're supposed to do, wherever you're supposed to place your energy, giving, helping, and growing, that's kind of what it's about. And that's what we need to teach kids, and there's no better or worse. If you're supposed to be a carpenter, that's what, if you really enjoy it. I have a buddy who's a carpenter back home, and he fucking loves it. He loves buildings. He loves the art of putting together a great room. He loves it when it's done. He loves that he can, you look in this room and it's all mapped out. You're following the architect's plans and you're laying down things.

68:40Next thing you know, three months later or whatever it is, look at the fucking awesome kitchen you guys just built. Holy shit. He gets a deep feeling of satisfaction from that. And he makes a good living. He's got a good company doing that. But it's because that's what he's passionate about. It's because he actually enjoys his work. And it doesn't matter if it's that or if it's being in a fucking band or if it's being in a stand-up or whatever it is if you don't follow that shit that's when you you're you're fucking yourself man our our dear friend sam sheridan said uh he goes i was talking about how i want i was watching ufc every time i watched a little part of me dies because i want to be a fighter no you don't no i know but that's what he said he goes brian he goes brian you are supposed to and i've always been supposed to be a stand-up comic dude you found what you're supposed to do

69:24you you were not supposed to be a fighter or anything else do you remember when you weren't doing comedy yeah i remember you told me you go you're missing out on the best thing in the world what are you what are you doing i got back into it because of you but i also i remember watching dane cook back in the day and i was like that dude is crushing a room and i want i gotta get back into this you wanted a crush i just loved i loved it i was like watching him have so much why did you stop i i don't know because i'm crazy well you weren't doing real stand-up when i first met you when i first met you i couldn't get spots and i was like fuck it and i was trying to be an Actor we first started hanging out you had this act that was like you had taken every alternative act that you saw and try to duplicate it And I remember talking about it going that isn't even you man. What are you doing?

70:05You're you're going up there and you're you're doing what these fucking weirdo Judgmental like dorks want you to do like you're doing what you think that they're gonna enjoy from you So satisfying to me now especially about the stuff. I'm doing now You're being yourself this weekend at the American comedy San Diego. San Diego. Amazing club, by the way. And it's filled with great comedy. If you're living in San Diego, San Diego finally has a real comedy club. And in Chicago, August 23rd. They have national headliners there every weekend. The Comedy Store in La Jolla is a great club, but you could get fucked there, and they could send down one of those old-school headliners from the 1970s that hasn't written a joke in 100 years and doesn't work anywhere else other than the Comedy Store. They'll send those down to La Jolla on occasion. I don't know if they're still doing that, but back in the day,

70:49you would look at the lineup and go, oh my God, no, that's the headliner? No. You almost wanted to call the people and go, please, just stay on. Because that show would be so bad, they would never want to go see stand-up comedy again. No, and it's true. As you get older and if you're trying to do something, what happens, I think what's supposed to happen as you become a comic is you start stripping away all that other stuff and more and more of who you really are is kind of expressed. That's what's so satisfying to me. Yeah, for sure. You're learning how to talk on stage. Instead of, you were just like, when I first met you, you were doing this fake thing. Pouring rabbits out of hats. And then you became just this really silly guy. It was really silly. But I was always weirded out by the fact that you were so silly, but then we would have these deep, fucking intense conversations.

71:36And I was like, where's that on stage? And then I thought about it. I'm like, well, you know, that's a choice. That's an artistic thing. Look at Hedberg, one of my favorite comics ever. And there's no message in that. It was all silliness. And there's nothing wrong with that. I'm a silly goose. There's a large part of me that's always, I can't help it. But it's funny that you're so intense often. It's like there's a real balance to that. And it's a good quality that you have that is missing in a lot of men where they somehow or another equate weakness with silly. Yeah, because I think the biggest mistake a man can make is taking himself seriously. Yes. Don't take yourself too seriously, man. There's always somebody faster, stronger, funnier, better, smarter. Just do only what you can do. and always don't be afraid to fucking take the pressure off yourself, man.

72:19Don't be afraid to kind of just make fun of yourself. There's nothing wrong with it. There's a lot of power in that. Yeah, you don't understand that when you try to not take the hits, that the rebounds double, triple the effect because you're not learning. Not only are you not taking the hit, but you're not learning from the hit because every time you take the hit, it makes you better. You got to take the hit emotionally. You got to take the hit psychologically. Psychologically, you've got to take the hit with your ego. You've got to fucking fail in life. It's an important ingredient to success. The other thing that I was... Don't you agree? I 100% agree with that. 100%. And the other thing that... As you were talking, I was thinking about the other thing you get from it, which is when you allow yourself to be a little bit of a silly goose or you allow yourself to be vulnerable or whatever it is

73:07and make fun of yourself, what will happen is that people around you feel safer. Yes. And what they'll do is they won't be on their guard because a lot of times we come at a situation, if you come at a situation from a power angle or whatever, that person's guard will go up immediately and you won't see who they really are. Well, think about this. How disappointing is it when you meet someone and you have like a level of adulation for them? You know, they're famous, you're a fan, and they're a dick. The rebound is stunning. It's stunning and hurtful. I mean, it's incredible. but on the other side when you approach someone and they're like really normal and nice, what a warm feeling that is because you're coming at them in an unfair way, it's like we had Bert Kreischer on the Ice House Chronicles and he was talking about his experience with Gene Simmons and apparently he did that show, The X Show

73:56and Gene Simmons was a fucking complete cunt to him and Gene Simmons told him not to talk told him he wouldn't be interviewing him he was going to make this girl interview him and he was a huge Kiss fan before this. So when this happened, it was completely devastating to Burt. And having Burt relay this and then having all of us share experiences, like I was talking about, I met Robin Williams last week. But he was like real normal, like real nice guy. But it was still, it was fucking Robin Williams. You know what I mean? Like he didn't have to be normal. He didn't have to be a nice guy. It could have been weird because when you meet someone like that, there's a weird imbalance. If you're talking to Tom Cruise, I don't care how many gay jokes you have in the back of your head, those won't pop in your head when you meet him, you'll be like, holy shit, I hope he likes me, I want him to like me.

74:40I spent an hour and a half, I did a reading with him for three hours and I spent an hour and a half with him at a party and believe me, I was like, maybe he'll be my best friend. And by the way, and by the way, I'm a straight guy and I think he's straight actually but I- Shut your fucking mouth. But all I know is I'm looking, I'm going, he's a really good looking guy. I was like, you know what, he's Tom Cruise. I mean, we're really, we're talking, we're having a good conversation. If Tom Cruise wanted to like, He was like, hey, I'll be your best friend. You make out with me for 10 minutes. I'd be like, I got to think about it. I'd have to think about it because then I could be best friends with him. Well, I think that is. Hold on, hold on. Would I make out with Tom Cruise? 1,000% as a straight man. You know why? Because I'd be able to tell you about it. Are you fucking kidding me? Are you kidding? What? Yeah. For the record.

75:22For the record. Open mouth. I'd be like, Tom, come over here. By the way, he's kind of pretty. He's kind of pretty. So, yes, I would. Would you enforce your weight on him a little bit and press him backwards just to make him a little bend to your will a little bit? Without question, but I'd also be looking. You'd be the first phone call I'd make. You'd be the first phone call I'd make. I'd go, dude, sit down for a second. I'm a straight man. I bub slapped, and I mean bub slapped for 10 minutes with Tom Cruise. And his hands were rolling. We can make that happen with John Travolta. We just have to put you in the proximity. Can't do it. You wouldn't do it with John? No, no. Because he's too gay. He's gay, yeah. I can't. I'm not going to make out. It's like when my agent sent me a thing to audition for Queer as Folk, which was that show on Showtime. And the first thing was, I have to be making out with this guy.

76:07I was like, listen. I call my agent and I go, look, I'm not a homophobe. I'm really not. And I'm actually in favor of gay marriage and all that. I go, but you got to know who I am. I'm Brian Callen and I'm a straight guy. And if you think I'm waking up every fucking morning at 6 a.m. and going to set and making out with some dude after getting rid of my coffee breath, you're out of your fucking mind. And there's not enough money that I would do that with. Here's the problem. This is one of the reasons why I wouldn't be into doing it. It's not that I'm not open-minded, but I don't like watching guys kiss. So I don't want to do a movie where guys kiss because that's not my kind of movie. I'm squeamish about it. You wanted me to do a movie where I turned into a werewolf? I'm down. I never saw Brokeback Mountain, actually. I saw it. It was awesome. I had a great five-minute bit about it. It was fucking hilarious.

76:51I laughed through so much of that movie. A child, you know why? Because I enjoyed it. And people were, there was a lot, I had this conversation with somebody like, well, it's because of your narrow-minded point of view that you didn't enjoy it. I enjoyed the fuck out of it. I bet I enjoyed it more than you. Because I enjoyed it as, even if, yes, it is a beautiful love story and it is sad and oddly romantic, it's still also hilarious. I enjoyed both aspects of it. I'm not close-minded or homophobic, but I enjoyed the love thing that they had going on, but I also enjoyed giggling like a fucking school child every time they were kissing each other. Your bit, I remember you were like, two men making out is in fact hilarious yeah it's hilarious it's not there's nothing wrong with it being funny it's not like i'm telling you not to do it but if you're telling me there

77:34should be less funny in the world you can go fuck yourself exactly and if you're telling me that what you want to do if i think it's funny hurts you i think you're a bitch right okay because if you start making fun of having sex with girls yeah i'm not gonna get i'm not feeling it's not gonna get hurt like well you're a majority they're a minority get the fuck over it if you like fucking guys. You should laugh your ass off when dudes talk about you fucking guys because that's what you enjoy. Humor is the greatest fucking equalizer. Speaking of which, you'll kill me, but I have to go to the 10-minute podcast. The 10-minute podcast can go fuck itself, dude. I know, but I gotta do it because they're waiting for me and I gotta be there at 7. You're gonna be late. I'm already gonna be late and they're gonna kill me. They'll be fine. No, they're not. They'll be fine. We're on the internet,

78:16man. Listen, we have to keep the throne for a little while longer. I've gotta go do the 10-minute podcast. We have so much to talk about. You being an American comedy company in San Diego this weekend. Yes, I'll be at the American Comedy Club. Comedy. Company. It's American Comedy Company. Isn't it? That's what it's called, right? Or is it the American Comedy Club? You might be right. It's American Comedy Club in San Diego. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Let me check my Twitter. And I'll be at the Chicago Improv, everybody. And if you want to do it, it's August 23rd, 24th, 25th. Now you're confusing the fuck out of people, dude. Don't ever say more than one. Just one, right? Just one. It's American Comedy Company. Oh, it is? Yes. American Comedy Company. I can't wait. It's in San Diego, California. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. It is a fucking awesome club.

78:53It's one of those like really low-ceiling intimate clubs that you know Like the comedy works in Denver like the old comedy. I love the comedy works in Denver Oh, yeah, it's class. It's as good as it gets yeah me and Doug Benson and Brandon Walsh We were in town in in this way You were too at the Paramount and one of the things we're saying we're walking by the comedy works like there's no better club There's never been a better club invented than the comedy works in Denver. It's perfect size it's the perfect height the chairs don't move nobody can like move their chair under your foot the chairs are locked in place there's a table in between each chair sit the fuck down here's the show everybody's packed in there the wage staff's awesome the shows are fantastic you walk by the comedy works you look and you see one headliner after another national name after national name and she's an individual

79:40she's not like the improv she's not a part of a giant corporation Wendy is the shit she's great I love that lady if you're listening Wendy you're the shit you are the best we love you that club is fucking tremendous. And she's got another one. I had such a good time. I had such a good time there. Denver is a fucking awesome period. And the Paramount was awesome too. And thanks to everybody that came out to the show. I've always wondered, this is going to sound so weird, but I've always wondered, with a building like that, with all that laughter over all those years, and then you take something terrible like the torture chambers of Abu Ghraib or something that Saddam kept all his people in and stuff. I wonder what the composition of that, the walls are. I wonder if there's anything that permeates. I mean, this is hocus-pocus bullshit, but I've always wondered if in some ways the material,

80:26like of the organic material like the wood, would be a different kind of composition than in a torture chamber or something. I wonder. All that positive energy versus all that negative energy. It's kind of a weird thing. Do you ever see that message in the water documentary? Yeah, that turned out to be a fraud. Is that a fraud? It was all bullshit. Really? It killed me. It was all fucking horse shit. God damn it. Yeah, I looked into it. I was like, oh, you guys were lying to me in that fucking movie. You fucking liars. Yeah, fuck you who made that movie. Those cunts. You fucking liars. Well, I know that there's places like the Ice House is a perfect example, that there's been so much laughter in that place that it feels good going in. I don't know if that's my personal association, though, and it very likely could. If you led me into that place from the outside blindfolded

81:12and I thought I was in a bakery and, you know. Well, no, you know what? You know what? It's all association because my friend. How about this? My friend's a surfer, was a competitive surfer, right? When she hears waves, for most of us, waves are like relaxing. Her heart starts beating really fast. She gets really nervous. Yeah, that totally makes sense. Waves, she gets scared and competitive and she can't relax. She's in fight mode because she knows that she's about to attack a wave. Well, you know, when I was a kid, for years, I couldn't go to fights because I didn't like the way I felt. That's right. I got real nervous. Me too. I would think that I was supposed to fight next. And it was just a weird part of me. like I would try to enjoy it but there was like until I was like in my 30s until I had really resolved the fact that I was no longer gonna compete you know I would get nervous

81:56every time I'd go to a live event this was the first UFC I've ever been to where I was totally relaxed really? I would go to UFC's the reason I don't go to UFC's I can always get tickets from you and by the way congrats to Donald Cerrone who came to my stand up who's so excited and that motherfucker so awesome whoo he's so awesome whoo and he's a good guy what a round that was 70 seconds of craziness one of my favorite things i was doing stand-up and they came to the comedy works in denver and i could see donald serrani's hat going up and down laughing at my jokes and after he goes dude my fucking abs you gave me a fucking ab workout him and nate he's ripped like an underwear model yeah he's just started girls the girls i was with like my friend's wife and my my girl they were like looking at they were looking at donald they were literally like like my friend's wives they were like that guy i just

82:38want to touch him yeah they just wanted some cowboy inappropriate around him because he's a handsome fuck isn't that weird when guys wives get creeper on dudes like right in front of them yeah when you got an alpha male like fucking well it's not just that it's when you have such a disrespectful relationship that a lot of people engage in this like i'll insult you relationship yeah well a lot of people have that weird i'll insult you you'll insult me and you know you go back and forth a little bit it's not you're not in each other's corners no you're not looking out for each other you got a bad relationship and you're just right you haven't worked it out and you're not trying to. You're just stuck in this little fucking incident. And when they're around, man, man, they'll grope on you. I've had women take pictures and squeeze my ass. They would come out to me going, I want to talk to him,

83:17say hi to him, I want to meet him. I'm like, your husband's right there. She's like, look at his ass, look at his ass. They were all over him. Well, those kicks that he throws, that's where he had to develop that big juicy ass. Stud that he is. Fucking straight. What a fight that was. Holy shit, that was a crazy fight. And it was right when I just got done saying that he has to be very careful. He can't get overconfident because Melvin can fuck you up with one punch. Yeah, because he's so explosive. Oh, my God. That left hook Melvin landed, too. And Donald kept it together because he got fucking rocked. When were you okay after that punch? And he goes, right now? Yeah, yeah. He was not okay. And he still threw the kick. See, that's how confident he is in his ground games, one of the things about Cerrone. I love that. He'll fucking let those kicks fly, man. Because if you take him down, man,

84:01his chances are he's going to threaten you from the bottom. He doesn't get ground and pounded. No. And he threatens dudes with triangles and arm bars. He's not just long. He goes for it, man. He attacks. He attacks on the ground. So he's not holding back. So he's willing to throw. Even after getting tagged like that, he still throws a head kick. But 55 is such a... I want to see him fight Jose Aldo. It's crazy. At 55. Yeah, well, Aldo is most likely going to move to 55 eventually. He's still young. He's only 25, and he's having a hard time making weight. Although he's had less of a hard time of it lately because he cut back on the weight lift. the weightlifting he was uh bulking up in between you know uh fights and putting on mass and then the cut was harder for 55 is just a division of killers oh yeah well so it's 45 man it's all 25

84:46and every weight class is growing you know like 35 is growing now there's this like there's this eric perezki that fought this weekend there's like it's constant this uh there's so many fucking good fighters, man. The whole division, the whole UFC, every single division is expanding and getting deeper and deeper and deeper. The heavyweight division is getting deeper and deeper and deeper. They're going to have Cain Velasquez versus Junior Dos Santos on New Year's Eve. Really? Didn't they fight? Fuck yeah, son. They fought already. Dude, it's going to be on the 29th or the 30th. Didn't they fight already? Yeah, they're going to have a rematch. Oh, boy. Yeah, after Cain destroyed Bigfoot. Cain just ran through Bigfoot Silva, just cut him up, blasted him on the ground. DeSanto's such a good boxer, man. Ooh, he's scary. Ooh, he's scary. I'm glad I'm not a fighter, man. Oh, yeah.

85:32That's just, every time you step in that octagon, you're going to war. Every single time. It's what we talked about earlier. It has to be what you really want to do. It has to be what you're really driven to do. It has to be your calling. And if it's not your calling, you better get the fuck out of there because there's a guy like Junior DeSanto on the other end of the ring. And it is his calling. When Anderson Silva steps in that cage, he doesn't wish he was in a fucking marachi band. No. You know, mariachi, whatever. He's ready to fuck you up. That's what he's there for. That's what he does. He's not supposed to be doing anything else. I just you know, the margin for error now is so small with these guys. They're so good.

86:06Some of these guys the level is insane. The level is increasing. The speed difference between when I was watching the speed difference between Cerrone and Gallard and the fights before was astronomical. Well, they were both throwing haymakers, you know, and that is part of it is that they were throwing the kill. They knew each other very well. Yeah, I can't believe Gallard went down that. That was such a vicious thing. He was really hard. Well, Donald hit him absolutely perfectly. He clanged him with the left shin to the head. He likes that left high kick with the switch. He throws that so well to the head, man. It's such a powerful shot. A lot of guys don't throw it that hard. So there's dudes that stand there, and they'll take one of those on the gloves. They'll kind of recognize that it's coming, but they'll still try to avoid it. Instead, try to move. You can't do it to Anderson. like you tried it

86:53like Rich Franklin tried the high switch kick on Anderson Anderson sees it coming knows what you're gonna do and just bends and slides off his shoulder and he looks right at you he's the fucking Matrix he's incredible but Cerrone's got so much power in it and he's so he's got so so much dexterity with his legs it just clang it just comes it's almost like it's shocking how quick it gets there he seems so confident in this fight too oh man and he was very confident and then the right hand he landed afterwards was just a bomb it was just pinpoint it was like boom Boom! It was like flying at him, all his power, directly on the jaw, and that was the knockout. Who fights Henderson next? Nate does. Nate Diaz does. Oh, boy. I love Nate. Yeah, that's going to be incredible. I love Nate Diaz. Yeah, well, that was a tough fight, man. A lot of people thought Frankie Edgar won that fight.

87:36Almost unanimously, the professionals on Twitter thought that he won that fight. He's the toughest guy at that... He's the toughest small guy in the world. Frankie Edgar's a motherfucker, dude. You know, look, I thought he won the fight afterwards by decision, but it was... I would have to honestly go back and watch it again and actually score it with my mouth shut to make an accurate assessment of whether or not my feelings after the fight are over are accurate. I'm really careful about saying what I think when it's a real close fight like that until I actually sit down and watch it as if I was scoring it. Because if you're watching it as a commentator, you're also involved in it, you're trying to be entertaining, I'm trying to explain what's going on,

88:16And I would have to, like, in order to do that and do, like, a really effective calculation of whether or not one person won or the other, especially when it's close. Because it was the fight unquestionably was close. There's no doubt about it. It was a very close fight. No doubt about it. The people who thought Henderson won it agree with that. The people who thought Edgar won it agree with that. It was a tightly contested fight. So to really watch that and judge it, you've got to really shut your fucking mouth and sit there with a pad. And you've got to know the game. And you've got to mark things down. And the best would be if the judges had access to the information that Goldie and I have access to. Like we have access to all the takedowns. Like at the end of the round, we have a thing that comes up. Yeah, this is fairly recently. Oh, okay. In the last few fights. Who's taking stock of that?

89:01Who does it? Yeah. It's UFC staff. Okay. So the production staff is counting everything. They're counting strikes. And there's a whole segment of the show where they'll go to effective strikes, takedown attempts, submission attempts. So we get to look at hard numbers as well as our gut feeling about things. Sometimes a guy will land little pity pat shots and he'll land a bunch of them, but the other dude lands one haymaker. Well, that haymaker is worth more than those pity pat shots. So sometimes numbers don't necessarily mean, but it's good to have that information to add in addition to your calculations on how you feel about it, just watching it. So you need almost more than you watching it on your own because I'm not just watching it. I'm getting fed information as I'm watching it. That's ideal for a judge. Not that it would really, you know, I just,

89:49not that it wouldn't help to clean house and just get people in and know what the fuck is going on in an actual fight. That certainly would be. But I also think they need access to information the way we have. They finally gave them monitors. They get monitors now, which is very nice. Wow, that's huge. I'm surprised they finally gave them to them. Yeah, not everywhere, but we've done it in certain places. To re-watch things in slow motion would strike me. Very important. Very important as well as to have angles on shots. You know, there's sometimes it looks like a guy landed when really the guy fell. The guy slipped. You know, there's all sorts of weird things. No, it's not. It's very hard. And it's not rewarded when they're good at it. No. It's only critiqued when they suck at it. You know, I swear to God, man, when I have a weekend like this weekend where we did the show at the Paramount

90:31and we did the comedy works in Denver and meet all these cool people and everything, it really does feel like this crazy fucking dream life, man. It's so fun. You've earned it. Everything is so fun. You've earned it and you've created... Yeah, nobody earns this, dude. Nobody deserves this. This is some crazy lucky shit. It ain't just that you earned it because it didn't even exist before. It's not like you say you earned being the UFC commentator. Yeah, but you've always been successful. But you know what I'm saying? Before I was the commentator, other people had done it. But I'm saying when I was a young man thinking about this as an aspiration, this job didn't even exist. That's just fortunate. I remember when you got it. I remember when you were like, hey, I'm going to do the UFC and I came down with you and I met Tank Abbott back then and I was like, geez. It's so fortunate though. Jeff Blatnick? Yeah,

91:16Jeff Blatnick, great guy. Yeah, he's a great guy. Love that guy. Olympic gold medals. Yeah. And it's so, it's so strange to have like that kind of a life. You know, it's so strange to have all these cool friends and to like have this dream weekend. I remember when you were all hanging around, you and me and Joey Diaz and Brendan Walsh and Doug Benson. We were eating after the show. Yeah. After the UFC. We were laughing. Drinking good wine. Drinking good wine, eating sliders and buffalo wings, and just killing it. All of us laughing at each other. I mean, that's like, we're so fucking fortunate, man. I remember you left me that message. You're like, we're so lucky we get to do what we do. We're so fortunate in every aspect, in the friends that we have and our occupations. It's amazing. It's completely amazing. But to do what we did to get this posse of comedians together for that show at the Paramount.

92:09That is really important. It's one of the things that we were talking about before you got there. I was telling them, I was thanking them for coming. I was like, you guys, there might be 2,000 people out there for this show, but if you guys weren't with me, it wouldn't be half as fun. Literally, it wouldn't even be 50% as fun. You have somebody to share it with. You have a fraternity you can share it with. I love watching Joey Diaz get off stage with a giant smile on his face. Just laughing his ass off. Ha ha ha ha ha. High five in the air. He's so authentic and original. We had some really good talks, man. He's the best. but I love what I was saying we're here for another 10 minutes 10 minutes I'm supposed to be there they can suck it it's the 10 minute podcast without you that's not a good show I know but I gotta by the way go to the 10 minute podcast and listen to drunk Arnold that Will Souser does

92:58if you don't laugh your ass off to me it's the best impression of all time and it's the funniest thing I've ever done it's a funny one Arnold is like I hardly do my Arnold impression anymore because it's like too many people do it. His Arnold is so fucking hilarious. We have some, I'm really proud of some of the things we did on that show. I like the idea. It's a great idea. It's fucking great. 10 minutes. Saso and Delia do some fucking characters on there. Forget me. I did an ostrich expert, but that doesn't matter. It's some of the funniest shit. I gotta go. What's an ostrich expert? I love you. My name is Uso Unduli and ostrich are my specialty. and the great question is if an ostrich is a bird why can he not fly and that's all i talk about this is what we need to work with with you we need to get henato ralange with you together

93:49with your brazilian jiu-jitsu rapist character yeah and make something happen because that rapist character is there's two of the funniest moments in my life that i've experienced my whole life one of them is Joey Diaz on the Alex Jones show where Joe they fucked up and told Joey Diaz that he didn't have to worry about swearing because this part is on the internet and Joey Diaz just opened up a can of Cuban whoop ass on the he he it was he was telling a story about going through the TSA with weed tucked under his balls and about all those fucking machines they don't scan shit and you know this is your fucking tax dollars at work and Alex Jones is going crazy He goes, check yourself before you wreck yourself. Big dicks in your ass is bad for your health. Joe Diaz, Facebook, Twitter, stay black. And he leaves the room. He literally wrecked the room. I'm crying laughing.

94:38And by the way, we got it all on video. It's all, you know. I got to see this. People that say I'm exaggerating, it's all online. Joey Diaz and the Alex Jones Show is 100 versions of it on YouTube because it's so phenomenal. I got to see this. There was that and there was you in the hotel room where we were high as fuck. And I don't even think I think I just got the job at the UFC Yeah, and we would all come out to the fights and it was it's a fucking great guys event I mean, so barbaric and man yeah to go to fuck Yeah, I just see that fight. Holy shit. That was crazy. And afterwards we eat steaks and shit It was just such a boy party. I remember you and I actually went like looked at Randy Couture We're like look at him look at him Look at that fucking animal Look at that. It's Randy Couture He had a swollen knee. I was like, we were upstairs and we were barbecued We were so high.

95:23And, you know, we just have this group of really funny people hanging out together. So we're just making each other laugh. And Brian goes into this explanation, like a jiu-jitsu seminar on how to fuck guys. I was basically doing Hensou because I was training at Hensou. And, of course, I have nothing but the utmost respect for Hensou. Oh, of course. It was just the... But I was basically doing his character, you know. And come on, guys. Okay, like that, you know. When I take a guy... Take a guy like that. Put him to the mat like that. Put him to my mat. Put him to my bed. There's like the way all the parts of your speech were all off. That's on the internet somewhere. I don't know where it is. Well, it was on Eddie Bravo's video, but it was like a window. It was like one of those things. He put it on his video, but he put it on there as a fortune cookie. You know what I'm talking about?

96:08Is that what it's called? We have to find it. Yeah. Whatever. So he put it on there. I think, is that what it's called, a fortune cookie? I don't know. Whatever the fuck it's called. When someone puts something on their DVD and you go and find it. so he put on there like you had to press like a couple different things for it to come up it was one of those stupid things that people did before they realized that extra content you should let people watch it let people watch that shit yeah and so Eddie had that he thought it would be really funny and I also think he was worried about it was so dirty yeah like connecting it to his thing I think he would do it now because like on Mastering the System yeah you gotta be careful when you're building a brand yeah and if you're interested in that go to 10thplanetjujitsu.com because Eddie's got this whole web series called Mastering the System and a lot of that is with Hanato Roranja

96:52who is this I don't want to tell you the whole story because I don't want to give up the joke well we'll do it but you got to get together with him we'll do it I'm coming back on the podcast and teach guys how to kiss guys I want to thank you guys dude fuck yeah man you can come out on the podcast anytime you want I'll do extra ones for you if I have a full week we'll do one at night we'll always do it anytime you want man I'm sorry I have to leave early today it's no worries thank you everybody but you should tell those guys to fuck themselves and stay here for a little while we are on the internet right now. Tweet me it at Brian Caller. What we're doing right now is as good as we do. Tweet me it at Brian. B-R-Y-A-N. And we are doing it. C-A-L-L-E-N. Now it's a game for me. Joe Rogan, I love you. I love you too. Don't leave. I gotta go. They're waiting for me. But I can't. I gotta let you out of the house, man. This is fucking...

97:34I love you. There's animals out there. Security. I'm leaving. Hold on. Let me end this. All right. This podcast is over, ladies and gentlemen. Go see Brian this weekend in San Diego at the American Comedy Company badass one. Thank you to Alienware MMA. Follow them on Twitter, Alienware MMA on Twitter. Alienware sponsors through Sucker Punch Entertainment a lot of fighters, and we really appreciate the shit out of that. So we started using Alienware computers for all of our podcasts, and if you're into gaming, they're fucking fantastic. They're really awesome. They sent us this 18-inch laptop, and it's fucking tremendous. If you want to play games on them, They're like, the graphics, the speed, they're really incredible. They're pricey, but they're really worth it. They're incredible gaming computers. And we thank them for supporting us because we love the fact they hooked us up with computers.

98:27We love them as a company. And we love the fact that they support MMA fighters. We think it's a ballsy move. And I really appreciate the fact that Dell, a big company, has the guts through Alienware, which they own, to step in and sponsor fighters. I think that's beautiful. And so we support people who support MMA. Thanks to Onnit.com as well. Go get yourself some battle ropes and kettlebells so you can be manly like Brian Callen. Like me. Throw that rope around, bitch. Get yourself a dancer's physique. I love you, America. Get some alpha brain. Feed your brain with some nutrients and get your shit together, you dirty bitches. Look, we love you. We appreciate the podcast, tweets and emails and all that shit. Literally, my life would not be as rich and interesting if it wasn't for how much positive energy we've gotten back from you people. How much that is inspirational.

99:17How much that makes us want to do more and make it better and put out more content. And I appreciate the fuck that all you guys are using this podcast to make your commute more interesting, to entertain you when you're on a plane, you know, whatever the fuck you're using it for when you're at the gym. I think it's awesome. I love the connection that we have. And thank you for all the positivity. It inspires me to no end. And that's it, you dirty freaks. Tomorrow we will have Jamie Kilstein on, my favorite, well, not my favorite vegan. He's one of my favorite vegans. He's my favorite vegan lefty comedian that weighs eight pounds. He's a great guy, though. And he's a very smart guy. And he has this, besides his strange ideology, he's got his heart in the right place. He's a good human. And he'll be here tomorrow. And then we have Andrew Dice Clay on Wednesday.

100:08On Thursday, we have two podcasts on Thursday. You leaving, you dirty bitch? You're the best. And you can find them on Twitter. I got to go. All right. Take care, people. Big kiss. Love you.