Bryan Callen (Part 2)
Guests: Bryan Callen
Full transcript · Read the full conversation in order, with its original context.
§01Transcript · 00:00
all of a sudden pull back. People don't pull back. I don't even know if it's corruption. You don't know if it's corruption. In other words, what I mean is I just think that the system in place is the only way you get... Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah, so they're not going to fix that system if that system has made them billions of dollars. They're going to do whatever meager patchwork they need to do within their lifetime to keep on the majority of the wealth that they've acquired. Like I've said before, try getting rid of a law now. Try. Just try. There's a whole cottage industry going on. Let's step outside of the boundaries because I tire of these questions and these things. And one of the reasons why I tire of it is because everyone seems to have some sort of a position in this machine.
and everyone is describing all the varieties of issues within these positions of these different statements and different belief systems that everybody has subscribed to when it comes to this world and how everything runs. What's the ideal way to do it? If you were a guy, and I know that you've thought of this, If you were a guy that could stop everything And figure out how to make an even system What would you do? How would you engineer it? If someone came up to you And said listen dude We're going to let you go on television You have a year to formulate a plan I think you're a smart guy And I think this is what the world needs The world needs a smart dude Who thinks out of the box You get together You have one year Come up with a fucking plan As to how to redistribute the whole thing How to re-figure out Where the money gets stored
and what's the money based on and what are acceptable interest rates? I would probably start with a flat tax. And what I mean by that is I would have no matter who you are, where you stand, you pay 30%. You pay 30% across the board. So instead of having 6,000 pages of taxes, I know there are problems with it, but for the most part I'd make it as fair as possible. It may not be as fair. Rich people pay more. They're going to pay more ultimately, but poor people still have to pay 30%. Right now, a lot of poor people don't pay any taxes at all. Maybe that's good. See, this is where I would step in. The tax code is so fucking complicated that I might just say, flat tax across the board. No matter who you are, you pay 30% of your income. That's it. I think if you are poor and you are struggling, you should have to pay much less. And I think that a guy like me should have to pay more.
I think that I agree with that. I think it's a creepy argument. And this is the caveat, though. if I believed that it was being spent wisely, if I believed that that was the answer, and I don't. This brings me back to the original question. I don't believe there's any way. I don't believe that any large bureaucracy, I don't care if it's a corporation, especially not the U.S. government, because there's no accountability, and you don't have to have a bottom line. You don't have to produce a profit. There's no marketplace telling you you go out of business. I mean, since, what was it, 1960? That is a problem. It's a business. There's no competition. How many Fortune 500s are of the 500 companies that were in existence when they started tracking the Fortune 500? How many are in existence since 1967? How many are in existence of the 500? I believe eight are still running.
Companies go out of business all the fucking time. Why? They just run out of product. Inspiration. Whatever it is. That's how it goes. And guess what? It leaves room for another startup. Yes. Guess where that hasn't happened? The pharmaceutical industries. They're so fucking big that they control the FDA. A whole other story. So the point is this. My feeling is that the only way, you are always going to have private, look at the military industrial complex. You're always going to have private sector people manipulating tax dollars and government agencies to their benefit. And as a result, it's impossible for the government not to get involved in the marketplace. It's impossible. You don't have a free market. You don't have a market system anymore, especially not in the banking industry. It's been regulated since fucking 1900. So what I would do, very simply, is I'd have a flat tax,
and I would ultimately get rid of all subsidies. All. Except for Medicare, Medicaid, and that I would overhaul, and including Social Security, I would overhaul in that I would find out who deserves fucking Medicare. There are a lot of very wealthy people who get it. This show has all of a sudden become a really boring political show. You sit down and debate the issues. I know, I know. I'm sorry, but it goes on forever. It does. You got real specific with your points, and I'm starting to fade out. We should talk about the corruption in Avon Incorporations. Avon? Yeah. There's pink cars? Yeah, there's pink cars. Every time you talk about corruption, I think to bring it down to a general thing people understand, I think you just got to realize that just always ask yourself, how the fuck would I react in that situation? If you really learn about the stuff, a lot of this shit is,
you get into these guys getting into stuff, and you're like, that guy's fucking evil, and in movies you see the evil guy with the black hat. Shit's always way more complicated and way more fucking gray than that. Well, it's also because corporate, you've seen the documentary of the corporation, right, where they detail how corporations act as sociopaths. They act as psychopaths. They act as people who don't care about the repercussions because there's a diffusion of responsibility because there's a million people in the corporation. There you go. Deep shit, guys. Yeah, it's what, well, I think, you know, when I look at what's going on right now, I see a bunch of different factors.
And the big factor that I think is not being paid as much attention to in all of this is that the whole problem is the access to information and that the system has always been corrupt and the system has always been run unfairly, but we didn't know it. We didn't know it the way we know it now. And the access to information is unprecedented now. And because of that, people are starting to exchange information. And because of this access to information and social networking, they're allowed to do it in real time and they're organizing. It's also easy to manipulate information. You know, that's the irony of it. You have so much access to information, it's really easy to manipulate. You see political parties do that shit all the time. Sure, of course. Eventually, there's going to be something that allows people to know whether something or not is true.
And that's when things are going to get really strange. And it's really not that big of a deal. To be able to exclude disinformation and incorrect information, to have some way of proving things to be factually correct before they release and spread. There will, that's not that far outside of the realm of possibility. So right now, there's a, I mean, it's whether or not you can prove something to be true and factual. You know, that, you know, like when you look at like these databases like Wolfram Alpha and, you know, like Siri, the Siri thing where you talk to the Apple thing. And it goes to the web and finds out information and brings it back to you. There's going to eventually be a very clear system of finding out what is true and what is not true. It's going to be very easy to detect what is propaganda, what is actual fact, and you're going to be able to know it in real time.
And when that happens, then it's going to be way harder to pull off corruption. Yeah. Well, that's what I just keep wondering. I always find myself asking, are things going to get better in 20 years, worse? How about 40 years? It's better. Listen, man, here's what everybody's woe is being about, man. There was a study recently that I tweeted that talked about violence. It was a Kurzweil study. Violence is at an all-time low per capita. People are much less violent. Life today is much safer than it's ever been at any other time in human history. Things are getting better. It's just right now I think we are in the process of a birth. We're in the process of another stage, and it's really close to bottlenecking. The influx of technology and information into the world of the monkey is so complete right now,
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and we are biologically struggling to keep up with all this new shit that's going on around us all the time and all this new information and all these new challenges and all these new issues that are presenting themselves to us. It's happening because of technology. Yeah, it almost feels like, you know, they're talking about the planet and it's warming and all that stuff. And I always feel like, is that essentially like the idea that we keep growing as like literally an organism where we're going to have to mesh with machines just to survive in an environment? Yeah. It's all kind of part of it, you know? Well, there's also the idea that machines are a life form in and of itself. They are. They are. You look like, I've always said this. If you look at like, I'm stupid. I keep old computers. I have like an old gray, one of those tan Apple fucking towers that's in my garage somewhere.
It doesn't work anymore. I have an old laptop. little track wheel on it that doesn't work anymore either those are skeletons those are dead animals those are things that they they're they're predecessors you know or rather they're they're they are the predecessors from the today's uh sleek laptops right you know they're they're old shitty they're clunky they make weird noises when you turn them on you know I mean they are essentially the monkeys of the you know yeah in comparison to us yeah and I I think it's real possible that if we do have some sort of an artificial intelligence and we we do create a life form out of computers that is able to recreate other life forms I think that's probably the next stage why are we so we we personally think that it's so important that we continue this this animal struggle with emotions and sperm and eggs well biology as we know it well biology as
we know it might be our own biology we might be much more comfortable inside of a robot body I I was going to say, but human beings, it seems, are on the verge of actually creating a whole new kind of synthetic biology that we're going to be able to mesh with. Who's to say that that synthetic biology can't be just as… Way better. Or better. Way better, man. This is like… What we have is like an old car that's made out of cardboard. That's it. And we're on our way to building some fucking carbon fiber, fiber optic laced electronic fucking mid-engine beast. And we're constructing it. that can hear a mile away. I'll take it. The problem is it keeps raining and our fucking cardboard house is slowly falling apart. We're like, Jesus Christ, hurry up, fix this cardboard car. The cardboard car is all fucked up and the new car is not ready yet. It's a matter of whether or not
we can complete our cycle of technology and artificial intelligence and then combine with it before we blow ourselves up. You have very, very smart people re-engineering, reverse engineering the brain, the eardrum, the eye, the red blood cell. We just reverse engineered the red blood cell of a dog. And that means that if you reverse engineer it and you know exactly how it works, you can make a replica of it with synthetic material, which would be a nanobot because it's about that big. So nanotechnology and then re-replicating what you just reverse engineered. If you can do that, then it is clear and it follows. By the way, we're also doing it with an eye. We're doing it with an eardrum, et cetera. If you can do that Well when is the brain When They're already working On trying to reverse engineer The brain It really fucking raises Really cool questions It really does man Because
If you can do that And you can create a machine It's the Blade Runner question It is When does it become a person You know When What's her fucking What's her name In Blade Runner The really Daryl Hannah When she cried When she was sad Didn't you feel sad for her She's beautiful She's a robot The robot that wants some dick That's right And she can kill you I got so hot Woo I'd love to have If you fuck a robot That's really lifelike Is that cheating? Yes It is? And it's gonna happen It's gonna happen Because the robot's gonna go to your house And kill your wife Because your wife wants to unplug it Oh shit Yeah robots have emotions bro They build them in If they build in an emotion If they're gonna build in something That's gonna be kind to you The only way kindness counts Is if you earn it Kindness If you're just an emperor And you walk in And everybody just sucks your dick
After a while that shit gets boring You know The yin and the yang of things Is there for a reason You have to have struggle In order to appreciate the good times I don't appreciate relaxing unless I put in hard work. I really don't. But that's the biggest question with a lot of computer scientists who are saying when these robots develop will, which means when you say that, when they develop consciousness, meaning they are conscious of their own existence, the nature of anything that is conscious of its own existence or even just having its own existence, whether it's a cancer cell, an ant or a human being, is that you want to replicate and stay alive forever. and you know Right but those are biological instincts because they're programmed into the world that we operate in We are creating computers are going to be essentially the exact the mimic we are mimicking ourselves
Not necessarily true because there's no benefit to staying alive What benefit does the computer have to maintaining consciousness? If there's no cells or genetics or hormones pumped into your system telling you to stick it in there and shoot off loads because you want to breathe True Where's the incentive? What happens though? Does not the computer, if it's infinitely wise, doesn't embrace the notion that it does not have to be a complete because what it is is a part of everything in the first place. And the idea of life is not really necessary. It's just we hold on to it because biologically it's how we spread our work. That's interesting. We spread our work through life. And you're never going to die anyway. Doesn't matter anyway. The computer should be smart enough to know, go ahead, shut me off, bitch. I'm here forever. It doesn't matter.
What about when they start making computers that are smarter than them and all that? Well, they become infinitely smart almost immediately. I think that people always say, well, they're going to have respect for our biological heritage. And what they don't realize is we're going to be changing too. We're going to be changing too. Yes, of course. I think when you start talking about computers being this advanced, you're talking about human beings. Because I'm going to tell you right now, as soon as they've got a biocompatible machine that I can download information into, etc., you're going to have it in your body. Well, I'm attached already to my fucking phone. My phone is a part of me. When I leave my house and I don't have my iPhone, I feel like I'm missing a part of my body.
And, you know, if you read Tim Ferriss' book, did you read the part about having a cell phone in your pocket, how it cooks your fucking balls? Well, one of the things that he did was he did a test on his sperm count. And he did a test and found out that his sperm count was fairly low. And he's in really good shape and he's young. And he was like, what the fuck is going on? So then he starts doing all this reading on different studies. And one of the things he comes to is studies about cell phone usage and keeping your cell phone in your front pocket and how it affects your sperm count. The radiation from your fucking cell phone diminishes your sperm count. Yeah, he doesn't even carry it on him anymore. Like he shuts it off and he puts it in his pocket. I never talk it with my ear. Good. I've always done that. Anyway, but I have it in my pocket all the time.
And he said that he took the time off, stopped having the phone in his pocket, started eating Brazil nuts. apparently they have zinc in them and they're very healthy for bringing back your sperm count by the way, just a misnomer for everybody listening Brazil nuts can also be very very allergic, my mother will die if she eats one if I eat one, my whole throat closes up I'm going to eat some right in front of you how do you feel about that? just make sure you're not allergic good call either way, take zinc supplements or do whatever the fuck Ferris did and by taking the phone out of his pocket He radically increased his sperm count That's scary I think that's a really good book I didn't read that What was that Was that in the sex chapter? I don't know I don't know what chapter it's in I read it on the toilet So I pick it up And I read it And since I've been eating so well
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My toilet trips have been shorter and shorter I used to When I was just eating straight meat Brock Lesnar style I would take these giant dinosaur shits That would take 20 minutes And I would Just like R.H. Fierce Jug My legs would go numb My feet would go numb I'd have a hard time standing up but I've been drinking this kale shake I make every morning now. It's good shit. Yeah, I cut it in this crazy Vitamix blender. I throw in cucumbers and kale, and man, I feel so good. So good for you. You have so much energy. It's really amazing. I do cashews, goji berries, some almonds, strawberries, blueberries, and then some hemp seed and protein powder and almond milk, and you feel fucking amazing. I do that too. I do Dr. Schultz Superfood, which is this awesome kelp green thing. Yeah. I'm telling you, man, I have energy for days. Yeah. It's just incredible.
Yeah, man, diet is so goddamn important. It's one of the things that, and by the way, I know food tastes fucking delicious. You know, I'm the first guy. After a comedy show especially, we'll go to Cantor's and I'll have a giant fucking pastrami Reuben with French fries. It's all fine as long as you're getting the nutrition you need. Most people are walking around malnourished, I think. Yes, and then they eat shit food. The way this country eats is the fucking madness. You got it, and not just vitamins either. I used to try to just do it with vitamins. and I think multivitamins are important. I think it's important to recommend, I don't know if like, you know, I think certain people with certain demands have higher demands, like especially if you're an athlete. If you're doing a lot of jujitsu, like when people say, you know, what you need for your recommended daily requirement
of vitamins and protein, all that stuff, I always look at them and I go, okay, but what are you doing physically? Are you doing what I'm doing, man? Because I'm fighting for my life, you know, and I don't think people understand that. You know, I did a thing, I'm in men's fitness this month There's a thing on my workout. They did this whole thing on my kettlebell workout, and Steve Maxwell's in town, and we're working out this weekend together too. I'm super excited about that this week. I'm going to do some hardcore kettlebell drills. People don't fucking realize how hard some people work out, and I don't work out nearly as hard as a guy like Cain Velasquez does or a guy like George St. Pierre does. I just simply don't put in the amount of sessions in a week that they do. But when I do do it, I go fucking all out, and you can't do that and just eat spaghetti.
You can't do that and not have vitamins and not have protein. One of the things that I've done over the course of being involved in combat sports since I was literally a child, I haven't had a moment since I was 14 years old that I wasn't learning or practicing some type of martial art. It became an obsession super early in my life. And there's a direct correlation to me with good performance, good movement, healthy body, mind, spirit, and diet. When I've eaten shit foods. Tim Ferriss was talking about it. He said food is a drug. And the way you combine it, the kind of food you take in, it will react within your body exactly the way a drug will. Either it will have a positive hormonal effect, a negative hormonal effect. Well, the problem is good food. There's a lot of shit foods. Food that's got very little nutrients. But God damn it tastes good. I have pineapple and anchovy pizza.
It's one of my big fucking problems. I got a problem. I like double pineapple, double anchovies. Sure, that's filled with arsenic and all kinds of creepy fucking shit in that ocean. That ocean's just filled with heavy metal poison. Yeah, that's true. And anyway, it's a fucking, I got a real problem. But after I eat it, I feel like shit. I always feel like I got harpooned, like I got shot with some animal tranquilizer. I think that the way to start eating better is, first of all, to educate yourself and start eating better. But then just start noticing the difference. because what happens is you start getting a pleasurable response when you eat well and what's good for your body and a negative response when you go out and eat a whole pizza or pizza or whatever. You won't feel as good as if you have a shake I was just talking about. Yeah, well, my point was, this is my point.
My point is in all my years, I've done it both ways. I've done it where I eat shit food and I've done it where I eat really good food. And when I do it when I have really good food, I have a different body. It's that simple. It works way better. It just works way better. Nobody before they get into the UFC Eats fucking three Carl's Jr. Bacon cheeseburgers and fries And a large coke You just don't do that Because if you do Your body's going to perform like shit You know why? Because your body's fighting out of poison Your body's in a war To process all this shit Saturated fats And trans fats That's fats with dicks Right Brian? Yes That's Brian Cowan's favorite Guys I was just kidding about They're making out with the transvestite and my friends are dumb. You know, somebody needs to create a guide for life and have all these different ideas in there.
And one of them is going to be the importance of diet and exercise. And even though I know a lot of smart fucking people, I know so many intelligent people who are really super creative and really interesting. They don't take care of their fucking shell. They don't take care of their body, man. They don't understand. and they'll look at you like you're frivolous or like you're, you know. Well, there's a lot of negative connotations. Like they'll call you a health nut. Sure. Oh, you're a health nut. Oh, yeah. Or you're an exercise freak. Well, no. Well, you're narcissistic is the implication. Yeah, no. I just know that I feel way better and I'm way more productive when I'm like this. I'm not going to have a belly when I'm fucking, you know, 45, 50, 55, you know, whatever. They say a certain percentage of people have chimpanzee DNA. I have chimpanzee DNA.
I mean, not just chimpanzee DNA, rather, Neanderthal DNA. There's no question about it. I got some Neanderthal in my past. There's no doubt about it. There's like a certain percentage of humans, some large number. Really? That's interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We somehow or another assimilated with Neanderthals. They didn't used to think that, but they think that now. Is that people who are just muscular, like stronger? I don't know. No, I think that has to do with what part of environment your DNA comes from, whether your family were Sicilian peasants that are carrying rocks all day. Ectomorphs, mesomorphs. Yeah, exactly. And endomorphs seem to be a function of society and diet. And also, one of the things they're finding out is stress from inside the womb. If the mother during pregnancy is malnourished in any way, the kid has an inclination to hold on to carbs and fats. Wow. Yeah.
There was another part of that Zeitgeist thing that was really interesting. It was a lot of that Zeitgeist, the part that I watched, I only watched the first 15 minutes or so, and what was really interesting about it was all the different things they were talking about, about health and cancer and illnesses and about people who develop breast cancer. There's like a gene that a lot of people get breast cancer and they can find that gene and say, you are susceptible to breast cancer. Well, people who have breast cancer, only 3 out of 10 have that gene. 7 out of 10 don't have that gene. And they're trying to figure out, well, what is it that causes people to get cancer? What is it that causes people to have violent behavior? Well, are there genes for violent behavior? Yes, there are. But you know what they're realizing?
People who have been abused at childhood have a different genetic structure than people who haven't been abused. So their body reboots or jacks. Your body changes to deal with this horrible environment and this horrible hand that you've been dealt with. It's like an evolution, immediate evolution. Yeah, it's like the system is all set up to respond to whatever is coming in. It makes sense, though. I was talking to John Brankus who does that show, Sports Science. and they were talking about VO Max, and they tried to tire Cain Velasquez out, and they had him running. Oh, he's a beast. They couldn't get his heart rate over 165. He's a beast. No matter what they did. Yeah, you're fucked with that guy. And some of it, there's definitely, like some people have a certain genetic structure where they can utilize oxygen better, but a lot of it's also repetition and practice,
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and your body is incredibly adaptable. Yeah, he wouldn't have that kind of cardio if he didn't train. No. I mean, he's got, definitely, he's got some freak genetics. But guess what? A lot of Mexicans do. A lot of Mexicans have amazing endurance. You know, Julio Cesar Chavez was known for barely training. Unbelievable. And he had amazing endurance. Like, in some of his fights, he would just come in and just beat the fuck out of guys, break them down, the pace that he would put on guys. He would never clench. He would never clench. Rip your body. Rip, rip, rip your body. I just saw a documentary on him. Gilbert Melendez is the Strikeforce lightweight champion. He's a Mexican dude. Amazing endurance. This kid is known for just putting it on people. And he has even said that he thinks that part of his endurance is genetic.
He obviously works as hard as any professional athlete on the planet. But those long-distance runners come from Peru and stuff like that. But that's a different activity. In Peru, I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. Different activity. Long-distance running is all cardio. It's a different kind of cardio that you have in fighting, where you have anaerobic all mixed in together. That's like real combat sort of cardio. It's a different kind of cardio. I was talking about, somebody asked me why I like, why I love MMA so much. Why you like MMA? It's the rawest form of competition. Was this a girl or a guy that was asking this question? It was a girl. You did, you grab her by the nape of the hair in the back of her neck, and you just gently wrap your cock around her lips. Just slap. Here you go, I gotta get a little spanking. And then put it back in her pants. Don't even have her suck it.
Just put it back in her pants. Just to just out for the fuck out of her. Bloody girl. You dirty bitch. Why do I like what? But it's just so – I just got a little bit of a boner just now. I'm sorry. It's literally like it's the rawest form of competition. Of course. You guys fight. Yeah. That movie Warrior did not get its fair shake. You were in Warrior, and you had a great role. It was a fun role. But that movie did not get its fair shake. That was a great movie, man. It was a great movie, man. It wasn't even factual. It was silly. They fought for two days in a row, and it was a crazy tournament. But that didn't matter. Yeah. Just the story itself. And maybe they could have worked around that where they didn't have a two-day tournament or whatever. but it didn't matter. The story and the movie worked. It was a good movie. It was a good movie, man. It was great.
Very few what-the-fuck moments. I like to do shows nobody watches, like Death Valley, by the way. That's on tonight. Is it on tonight? On Monday at 11. Nobody's watching it? No, but it's a great show, man. Really? It's funny. What are the numbers? Watch it tonight. I told you I'll do it. I want to play a werewolf, man. You're going to. If we get picked up, I already talked to them. They'd love the idea. They're like, Joe Rogan, play a werewolf. It'll be awesome. Dude, I'd love to play a werewolf. You get to do your own stunts. How good are the special effects? I don't want to play a... Unbelievable. I watched Ginger Snaps last night. No, dude, they're unbelievable. Somebody told me to rent Ginger Snaps. What? Dude, it's a good werewolf movie. It's kind of funny. For a long time, it's pretty funny. It's about two girls that are going through high school, and they're loners.
They're kind of outsiders, and they're sisters, and they're kind of goth, and one of them gets bit by a werewolf. It's pretty fucking funny. There's a lot of good stuff to it. Up until you see the werewolf, and then it's like, Jesus Christ, did you have any budget? It looks like they took a balloon and drew a werewolf scary face on the balloon and stuck it in your face. That's the wolf, man. It's so bad. Death Valley's got some great special effects, man. I'm proud of the show. I really am. I think it's really funny. And it's on MTV what time? MTV at 11 o'clock on Monday. Tonight. Tonight. Watch it tonight. I'm scheduling it on my phone right now. Schedule it. I ain't scared. And I think tomorrow we got Josh McDermott. Josh is supposed to be doing it because we started doing this thing from the Ice House. live at the Ice House. And it's broken up into two parts.
One part is on my iTunes, on the Joe Rogan Experience, and the other part is on Death Squad. And Death Squad is the one that Brian runs. And what it essentially is, it's all of our friends that have podcasts, like Tom Segura. We're talking Brian Callen is doing one. He's going to do one now, too. Yes, I am. Sam Tripoli does it. All these different people do it. And we decided that would be a good way to also promote Death Squad. So we have it set up. I'm going to do it on Red Band's whole thing. That's what I do. And we start Brendan Walsh this week, too. I think what I'm going to start my podcast is just going to be, I'm going to have my guests, I'm just going to ask them like 10 really good questions. You don't even have to do that, man. You're a conversationalist. Just anything that's interesting to you, just sit down and talk about it. I'll let it go there, yeah.
You should have a podcast. There's no doubt about it. You're a fascinating dude. And it's going to be fun. And it helps you evolve ideas. And people call you on your bullshit. And it also helps you realize how many times you repeat the same things over and over again, how many subjects you obsess on. Oh, my God. And it becomes a normal part of your everyday life. But when you start trying to pump that out in a podcast, people are like, bitch, I heard that already. Yeah. Stop fucking freaking out about the same thing every goddamn week, you know? You got to evolve, man. Yeah. Well, we talked about Occupy Wall Street like three times in a row now. But I think we're also doing it with different people just to sort of get their different reactions because I think this is a pretty important part of human history right now.
I think it's funny that you both said that you really like Daniel Day. what's his name again Daniel Day-Lewis yeah yeah because that comes up with all your friends and you guys all sitting out here working out and talking about stroke yeah knuckles up I guess it comes down to I think every time I do knuckles up by the way I can't get you out of my head so that kind of sucks but it comes down it comes down who inspires you that's my closing bit it comes down to like people what inspires you is not even so much the person but the effort you know like when you see that kind of I love excellence me too it's like you're like holy fuck you go beyond yourself there I don't really like soccer, but if I see a badass soccer player and he'll show me a clip online, I'll watch him do his thing. Did you see that guy, by the way, in South Africa riding his mountain bike? Yes.
And he got hit by that antelope? Yeah, yeah. He got hit by a buck with the horns. And then he landed on his head, and he was making those I've been knocked out noises. He was like, that's the noises that you make when you get severely concussed. That's when you know also you feel the weight and power of a 440-pound antelope. Running full clip, hitting you with its fucking horns. They don't fuck around. And then he just kept running. He said, oh, whoops, I hit a guy and a bike. No big deal. Was that an accident or was he trying? Yeah, no, it was an accident. He was running. He happened to be sprinting. And as they're coming down, and he just timed it shitty. Oh, man. And slammed into them. Yeah. Fuck Africa, dude. Africa can suck my dick. Why? Because they got insects the size of your fucking forearm? Well, how about the parasites? Forget about the insects you can see. Been there.
How about, oh, whoops, I washed my toe. and I actually had a hangnail and some shit got inside of it and it camped out of my body and grew and made a chain all the way to my brain and started sucking brain juice out of my big toe. And I went to the doctor. I was like, why is my big toe leaking? Oh, that's cerebral spinal fluid. Oh, what the fuck's going on? Oh, there's a pipeline between your fucking brain and your toe. What? Created by some parasite. No. Maybe. I just made it up. But maybe it could be true. There's plenty of shit inside Africa that can been to Africa twice. Fuck you up. I remember I was a kid and I was in Africa and it was dark out and we were staying in this place where there were the grounds that were these, you could walk around and I was going to walk around and my father goes, you're not walking around there. I don't know why this, because this is Africa.
§05Transcript · 29:46
You see a fence around here? They're lying just over there, you idiot. Jesus fucking Christ. You don't have a dog in your backyard in Africa, for example. We've been banging around the idea of cell phones, how when you buy a cell phone, you don't realize how much fucking slave labor is involved and how much. Is there a karma-free cell phone? Is there a cell phone you can buy where you don't have to worry about the labor being slave labor. You don't have to worry about the minerals mined under treacherous conditions where people... No, it's impossible. It's impossible. Sorry. Those minerals, they're all from the fucking Congo, man. And I was watching Vice Guide to the Congo. Have you seen that yet? No. They started releasing Vice Guide to the Congo? I know about it. Oh, Jesus Christ. Is that a fucking crazy part of the world? That is truly, truly hell on earth for some of those villages.
It's more than Mad Max. Joseph Kony, who runs the Lord's Resistance Army, about 200, 300 vicious killers who do all kinds of horrible things. They just massacre villages. He's a delusional guy with military-grade weapons. He's been out there for, God, since the Hutu Rwanda massacre. And this motherfucker is as bad as it gets, and they do the worst shit in recorded history. And it's going on right now, 2011. And people don't realize that millions of people have died there. Oh, my God. Millions. In the Congo, millions. Millions. It sounds like an exaggeration. No, no, no. That civil war has seen that Sierra Leone, Liberia to a small extent, and Rwanda has seen some of the most concentrated and ferocious killing in the history of the fucking world. Whoever you guys are that do that vice guy to travel, all you guys are bad motherfuckers. And I would love to have you guys on the podcast.
If someone knows anybody that knows those guys, somebody does. Somebody knows one of the guys on our message board. But fucking holler at me on Twitter. Those guys, they've done some wild fucking trips, man. The Liberia one is a great one. Thailand one. They went to Thailand and picked up Lady Boys. Woo! Wow. Yeah, they went deep. I was there. They went to North Korea. I was there. I saw the Lady Boys. Well, you were just in Thailand for Hangover 2, right? I dared Zach Galifian. No, I dared. I was with Zach Galifianakis and Brody Stevens, and we were watching the Lady Boys. And some of them are as good-looking as the girl I was making out with from my earlier story, my friend. Or better. softer lips and I said to Brody I go dude if you have any guts at all you will take that girl home and bang her I know it's a guy but you don't have the stones of course he didn't do it but she was like
gorgeous gorgeous wow wow yeah scary world out there did you like Thailand? did you think you could leave I was in leave the country and me and you and a couple other dudes this is the thing oh boy we hit 60 after the kids are grown the kids leave the house we're tired of fucking the wife and we just get to a certain point we're like listen baby I love you you love me I'm just going to live in Thailand for four months out of the year. I'm going to go get myself a young girl. Four months out of the year. Eight months out of the year, I'll stay with you. I'm going to find an 18-year-old to lie to me and tell me I still have it. Do whatever you need to do with your trainer. I don't want to control you in any way. Just make it happen. You just give up when you go to fucking Thailand. That's all you see. Live like a king. But that's all you see.
You go down and you see this German tourist with warts and barnacles on his back. And hot little Thai girls. He's walking with this adorable 18-year-old pretending she's into him. It's enough to make you throw up and give you a boner at the same time, ladies and gentlemen. By the way, I'll be at Winnipeg. We've covered it all. I'll be at Winnipeg. Let me segue. I'll be at, I think it's Rumors. I think it's called Rumors at Winnipeg. Then I'll be this weekend in Winnipeg. That's an awesome name. Rumors? Rumors. That's how it was. That's how it started. I heard a rumor. Joe Rogan was here. Have you done Calgary? I'm doing Calgary in November. Yeah. I did Calgary and we oversold the show, so I had 100 people on stage with me. It was fun. Wait, wait. I had people on either side of me while I was on stage in chairs. Is it called Yuck Yucks? No, no, no. I did a theater up there.
Oh, I'm doing Yuck Yucks, I think. Oh, okay. Yeah, they got... Who was in Yuck Yucks in Calgary and Winnipeg this weekend? I've only done Yuck Yucks in Vancouver, but it's not Yuck Yucks anymore. It's another name now, but it's still a dope ass little club. Okay. Vancouver is... I love Canada. I love performing in Canada. Canada is amazing. Canada is amazing. It's amazing. I love the people. I love... 20% less douchebags in America. Absolutely. Gray people. Funny people. Polite. Yeah. Nice as fuck. I wish it didn't get so cold up there. And they get the funny. They get it Yeah Oh yeah Oh they're smart I want to move the fuck Better educated Let's move the fuck out of LA Generally better educated Than Americans are No doubt I think across the board Especially in like Toronto and Vancouver Vancouver's beautiful And Montreal Yeah so is Montreal They're amazing cities I love Montreal
That's the end of the show The fuck I don't know Any other way to end it That's it Thank you very much Just end it like this Thanks for having me on Thank you to The Fleshlight If you go to JoeRogan.net Click on the link for The Fleshlight Entering the code name Rogan You get 15% off The number one sex toy for men And then if you go to Onnit.com O-N-N-I-T And enter in the code name Rogan You can get 10% off Alpha Brain And Alpha Brain is the Cognitive enhancing substance That we stuffed into Brian Callen's face Before this podcast That made him so interesting Thank you sir Along with marijuana I do my best Sorry about my sex stories They were great What the fuck are you talking about Why are you apologizing Don't apologize for being yourself You called me whimsical And I love you for it It's fun I'm whimsy You are You're awesome You should never change A god damn thing about you
You are what you are. Next time he comes on, we will fucking fly in Jimmy Burke. It's going to happen. You need to meet this guy. He's a hell of a character. Kelly Carlin, we're going to get to you. I guarantee you I'll call you soon. And we also, Josh McDermott's coming on. David's Hell Moved. He's going to be doing it next week? Is it next Tuesday or something like that? He's on soon too. Lots more good shit coming up. This is UFC weekend. This is only the first of these podcasts we've done this week. We're going to do another one probably tomorrow. I don't know who, though. Josh McDermott tomorrow And then we're gonna probably do another one on Thursday But I'm fucking crazy I don't even know who it would be with I'm wild folks I'm living by the seat of my pants We appreciate everything that you people do We appreciate all the positive energy We appreciate all you people listening
On your fucking treadmills In your cars In your gyms In your life In your home While you're cooking Whatever the fuck you're doing We're with you bitches It's a movement We're all together in this Jihad! Did you watch the Muammar Gaddafi videos? and beating him up and putting a stick in his ass? No. Yeah, they stuffed sticks in his ass. No. I recommend it. They show him beating the shit out of him. He wasn't bloody and then he became bloody. Is he dead? They killed him. They beat the fuck out of him and killed him. But they don't show the video of them killing him. Unfortunately, pussies. He showed everything else. Praded him around on top of a car with shoes on him. The fucking show's ending right now and I'm going into another subject. Thank you to everybody and we will see you tomorrow. Anything else, Brian? Oh, subscribe to the Death Squad series of podcasts.
homie made it into the top fucking 10 this week for the first time ever I will be on that podcast because of a gimmick but we got you anyway you're in you fucks alright we love you guys we'll see you soon thank you very much