Iliza Shlesinger

00:03And the first sound is a slurp. Hello, Eliza. It's a cozy morning. What's going on, my friend? It is kind of cozy, right? For California, it's like a little chill in the air. Makes you feel like there's real weather here. It does. Like we're in a normal place. Yeah, normal place with normal people. Like where things change. Like you get a winter and a summer and a spring here. We get a slight chill and we're like, "Oh my god, it's real." With the season changing though, nobody ages. It's like it's still that perennial somewhere between 20 to 45 year old. Nobody ages. What do you mean? Everybody in LA like there's like this nebulous age where it's like behavior-wise and everything like you're somewhere between 25 and 45 and then on either side of that you're too old or too young, but like everybody is this kind of like just you can act like a child here.

00:50That's an interesting observation. It's totally true, right? because they don't have the responsibility of having to like shovel snow and prepare for the winter and get up and scrape your windshield cuz there's ice on it or prepare for life. Like you could be like 40 a 45-year-old dude and you're like I do improv and I have a roommate and girls are like awesome. Like are they really like awesome? Totally. Really? What girls? None that I know. But yeah, none of your You think so? Other girls that are like that. That's what who's other people that there's like a there's a you know there's certain people that we know well okay let's not even say we know that we've run into our life that are on this show business path and they are and you know they're like like a stampeding herd of buffalo that are headed for a cliff and there's no way out. You're not you're either going to get some kind of

01:40a job and you're going to be bitter and angry or you're you're just going to keep doing this forever and it's never going to happen. I feel like with comedy in particular, it's one of those careers where it's not even you fail upward, you just fail laterally. Like comedy is one of those things where you can kind of just continue to exist in and around it despite actual talent. Like we all know the comics where it's like, "You're not dead yet." They're like, "No, I'm I'm writing uh ads that go on the back of tickets. I I'm writing commercial parodies for like comedy.net." like just existing in subdivisions of the realm of comedy and they think that they're in the game but really they're in the parking lot. But then there's a weird ones that come to the store and they come to the improv and they hang out but they don't really go up ever. I don't understand that. I don't understand

02:31the myth of the hang. The idea is that you would be hanging if you don't know anyone. You want to meet some new friends or your friends are there. But I see people that just bob and weave and I'm like and they act like they're looking for someone. I'm like there's no one there. You're just here hoping someone talks to you, but you've been doing this for so long. Go home, write something. Yeah, but it's not going to happen. Comedy is one of those things like I feel like you could learn how to play music. Someone could teach you how to move your fingers in the right direction. I mean, you might never be Jimmy Hendris. You might never be some virtuoso who's like stands out, but you might get good at music if you could put the practice in. Could learn the math of it. Comedyy's not that. Uh, my college, Emerson College, offers now offers, shout out to Boston, shout out

03:18offers a comedy major and Oh, good luck with that. Right. And I'm like, you're either funny or you're not. And you can learn what makes a script funny and you can learn about timing and things, but you have it innately or you don't. Yeah. And I firmly believe that. I do too. and uh the amount of people, you know, you can't tell someone there are plenty of people who aren't naturally funny that make a huge career out of things, you know, because someone else unfunny finds them funny. But it's one of those things where I'm not going to be the one to tell you to give up on your dream. Like that's not my position to tell someone that. But you're constantly surrounded by these like it's almost like this walking dead of unfunny. Like they're just at the shows and they're just there for decades of your life. Yeah. It's hard. Sometimes they'll ask me to get on the podcast too and I'll be

04:03like, "What? What are you saying?" I What do you say? I don't know. You don't. You say no. No. You're very good. I remember watching you. I've told you this before. We were at the store one time and there's this um cuz you're so alpha. Like a proper And I say this to you every time I see you. Like a proper definition of one. And I think that like a real alpha male doesn't seek to disempower doesn't seek to make anybody else feel bad. Like you're just like this is what I do and I set my boundaries. And we were in that back outside bar where only comics are allowed. And this guy walked up to you. Do you remember this? And he was a little bit in your space, harmless. He was like, "Oh, Joe, can I get a picture?" And you firm you were like, "You cannot be back here. You've got to go." Well, I saw him weasel through. He came from the show and then went through the

04:47back kitchen area and then went to It's happened a few times where people know that we hang out back there because we talk about it on the podcast. We go back there to smoke and then all a sudden it'll be like me and you know Ken or whoever and you and comics just talking about sets like are you doing Tripoli show like what's going on cool stuff folks and then all of a sudden someone's right here like hey man hey what's up hey dude can I get a picture you're like you're not supposed to be back is there's a sign you said that I I don't know that it's like we all I put my foot down for certain things and of course as you get older you get better about it but I straight up I don't know that I could say that to someone I I allow people in my space and I like you kind of just tolerate it cuz you never know and there is that fear like what is this person

05:29but you were very like you can't be here and the guy was like oh so sorry well I'm happy to take a picture with somebody but I I knew that that guy had gotten to into the employees area he he had weasled his way back through yeah I don't Yeah but you did that and I remember watching it and I was like I don't know that I could have you could do it the problem is with women like men get really creepy men get really shitty with women if a if a woman says you can't be here, you know, who knows you who knows what kind of a man you're dealing with. We can bring I can I can speak to that. Yeah. And I also remember I was on your podcast forever ago and uh I had done this show and I brought up this thing. I I get a lot of incels uh Instagramming me about this cuz this guy came into our group. It was a group of women standing outside and he asked for a lighter. Oh yeah, I remember this.

06:15And all of the betas uh you got a lot of great fans, but on the fringe ones they were like, "Oh, don't ask her for a lighter." And I'm like, tell you what, when someone bigger and stronger than you that has the ability to hurt you comes into your personal space, not really wanting a lighter, wanting something else, and your sensors go off. Make sure that you stay silent. See how great you feel. I don't think there's any respect for the idea that like sometimes you feel scared and it's not like a crywolf thing. Like I'm a tough chick. I don't walk around like afraid, but every once in a while, show me some knuckles. Tough chick. They're they're all bloated from vodka last night. It's like there's the thing like someone can do it the right way. Like someone could say, "Excuse me, does do you any of you ladies have a lighter easily?" And that and then you can like, "No,

06:57sorry. We don't smoke." Okay, cool. Thank you. But I've had it happen where somebody they put their energy and they get in the they're like, "Who has a lighter?" And you're like, "I don't think what you want is a lighter." Uh, and I stand by that decision. Um, it's all context. I I think so, but so it's a technicality, right? And it's like, okay, so if you wanted to have white power night at the Laugh Factory, you just have to cut Jamie a check. So we're gonna take over the place. I think my biggest issue would be cutting Jamie a check. I do it. But I also, you know, listen, we have white power night. Love to have you in, but you're not white power. White power open mic night. There are no jokes. Everyone is fully erect, buddy. Everybody already did Sigile. You kind of do a sea. Have you been banned from there? No. Okay. Cuz I was. Yeah. I know. Yeah. But

07:48well, I was your first guest on your podcast that you were doing out of there. I know. And you were. And that was so cool of you cuz it was a podcast. There was no money in it. There was, you know, but you were a friend. Like I didn't get any like it was a dinky podcast run in the attic of the Laugh Factory. And when you decided to leave the Laugh Factory as a venue for your podcast, you wanted to expand. Jamie said, "Buddy, you can no longer do your SIG hile in my club to the two Jews." Yeah. He yelled at me. And uh this was four years ago. He yelled I I was offered my podcast. This is this is an old podcast to run it out of the improv. And so I called Jamie and I said, "I uh I got offered my podcast somewhere else and I'm going to take it there. I just wanted to respect. They had set up a whole podcast studio uh levity. Yes. Yeah. They set it up. They were like, "Come

08:42over here. We'll get you advertisers. We'll like we'll produce this." Cuz the Laugh Factory, they would put it up, but that was it. There was no business behind it. And I was fine with that. I wasn't trying to make money. Improv asked me over there. I go, "Okay, great." So, manto man. I called Jamie. I go, "I just want to say, you know, man, manto man." I talked to him like a man. I called him up and I said, "Listen, fucker." No, I just said, "Hey, I just want to let you know I've been offered to take my podcast somewhere else and I'm going to take that opportunity and I just want to give you the respect of telling you versus just leaving." Absolutely. No problem. Your family. Really? And by the way, you said no problem. Mhm. That's why this is so insane. No problem. Your family. Go ahead. I'm making him sound Russian. Uh but it's like a weird accent. Anyway, so

09:24I go and keep in mind I was like the textbook picture employee there. Like I'm one of three women that performed there regularly at the time. Like headlining women. I baked cookies for the waitresses. I would bust my hump to get there cuz their their times were always written in stone like it's 8:45. Can I get 8:50? I'm running. No, this is the time. Like I was I never ran the light. Like I was really respectful. And uh like an hour later he calls me yelling at me. What? You did not say you are taking your podcast to Levity, which is the governing for those of you who know body that owns a lot of the improvs and they're a huge thing. But you told you told me you're going to the improv. I just said I'm taking it elsewhere. It didn't it didn't occur to me to say it. But it also Levity is so big. It's like I didn't even think, oh, it's a competing thing. I think of the

10:15factory as a couple of clubs and Levity is more of like an enterprise. Yeah. Plus, I don't play my factory clubs, right? uh just yelling at me, acting like I did this duplicitous thing. He hangs up on me, hangs up on me, grown man. Uh and I go on the website that night, my name is taken down off all the shows. I'm pretty sure he removed my face from that mosaic of comics outside. I am persona nongrada. And so, did I ever tell you the conclusion of this? No. It really hurt my feelings. Really? And I'm the kind of person if you shut a door in my face, I will nail it closed. Whoa. And I call the Laugh Factory and all the girls that are working there and I said, "Why didn't anyone like we're all cool? Like, did no one even stand up for me? Like, I didn't really do anything wrong." And this one girl goes, "You know, he's just really stressed. A lot of people are leaving the production

11:04office." So, I think he's stressed cuz a lot of employees are leaving. And I go, "Who's left?" And she said, "This one girl who doesn't matter the name." Said this one girl. And I go, "Okay, give me her number." And I called her and I said, "Hi, it's Eliza." Cuz she had worked on my podcast. And I was like, I will give you X amount of money if you walk out of the L factory today and come work for me. And it was like a chunk of cash. And she was like, and I was like, I need the answer by noon. I'll be at Kings Road Cafe. There was no reason to put a clock on it. I was just feeling really He put a power down. And that's who's sitting in our lobby now. She's been my assistant for 4 years. I rescued her. She's my angel in my heartbeat. And only recently were they like, "She can come back because my face is on the side of the building." Oh, you can come back now. Yeah. Do you come back?

11:48I went I did one show back. Did you? Did you see Jamie? No. I said I said I go I He doesn't need to apologize, but I'm walking in with my head held high and I'm doing my set. I'm not like everybody was super cool. He's not there cuz he farms it out now to other bookers. Yeah. Did he um put your video up on YouTube? Did he film your set knowledge? I told Brian Monarch, I go, "I'm going cuz I'm I'm doing another show there, too." I go, "I'm going. If you film me, I will have a Kramer moment." like I will flip out on you in an epic way. Like it is it is a non-negotiable thing. So they said no, they're not. I talked to Bill about this. He goes, "No, they don't do that. If you ask them, they don't put your video up." I go, "Yeah." I go, "Look for your videos." We're in the green room of uh the Ice House. And he goes, "What the You see his videos on YouTube." It's like old comedy, too.

12:40Yeah. Well, it doesn't matter. I mean, Chappelle, that's one of the reason why Chappelle won't go there. Yeah, he went there just to work out and they This is when he was not doing shows and not doing specials and they put all his online. No asking him, no nothing. I think that they the I'm I think they've got like new management there, whatever. But like it's it trickled down from the top. There's no there's no way anybody's like just recording people on their own and putting it on the on the internet. No, they know that it's not cool and they're doing it anyway. I also Yeah, it's uh for people who don't know like how comedy works, we need to work out like if if Eliza comes up with a bit tonight and and and works on it tonight, that's if someone records it and films it and puts it online, that bit's cuz that bit's not done. That bit's a baby. You're being judged on that bit. It

13:29would be like anything if you were an athlete and you went to a workout and they're like, "Well, you can't make the team." You're like, "Well, I'm still working out. I'm not I'm going to get bigger." Uh just it's not even just that. It's like eating a half baked cake. It's Yeah, it's it's just and the premise is cooked. Like you the premise up. It's now it's like it's out there. Yeah. It's tricky because we we rely on live audiences. And you know, thankfully most the vast majority of people that come to comedy clubs, particularly in LA, are really cool. Like we have no problems with this. It's not an issue. But this is a thing that we need, you know, we need and because everyone has a recording device now. It used to be like difficult to bring a recording device into a comedy club. Now everyone has them by default on their phone. My favorite thing is I understand if

14:15you're Dave Chappelle uh and you're like I need your phone zipped up because this is you know sacred material and these are you know um we all have our material that we need to make money off of. Some comics are bigger than others. My favorite is when shitty comics are like we need your phones taken away. I'm like nobody's checking for your act. Like nobody's taking your act unless you say something stupid. Yeah. There's that. Then they'll try to ruin your career with it. Should be a social contract. The improv does that with every show. I love that. And by the way, I'm there this Friday night, 10:30. Just announced it. Just just uh just put it up online. I'm also there this week, but I don't have my phone with me. I'm just doing 15 minutes. But I that to me I think it slows it down at the improv. Yeah, does slow down. I've never But it also makes people more aware.

14:56They're they're just not checking their goddamn phone all the time. One of my favorite shows that I ever did when I was doing that when I was when I prepared for my Netflix special the last couple months before I did all my shows with these phone bags. It gets to be a pain in the ass, especially when you're doing giant places. But um in Miami is the best cuz Miami everyone is doing Coke and no one is paying attention to anything and they're all looking at their phones constantly. So you could you could use your phone but you had to leave the building to use your phone. So everyone was getting up and going out and coming down and coming in. So during the show, it was just constant people coming in and sitting down. The only place out of all the places I did, Miami was the only place where people were constantly getting up and sitting down. Not even aware that like you're doing a

15:39performance. They're like, we don't care. Well, Miami is just crazy. It's its own thing. Yeah. It's another country. It really is. It's wild. It's fun. It's a great place to visit. I I love Miami. I love the food. I love the people. I love the attitude down there. But it's just it's not the best place to perform. You said that to me in an airport once. I remember everything you say. Uh you said that to me. Now I feel bad repeating it, but we were in an airport and you were going to Miami. I was going somewhere else and you were like if you like something like if you want to starve to if you wanted to starve to open a library in Miami. Open a bookstore. Open a bookstore. Cuz I remember thinking, well, no one makes money off a library. Uh open a You said that and I always remembered you said that. I've only played Miami proper once, but I always play like Fort Lauderdale and all

16:21the things around it. I used to do the improv with Joey Diaz. We used to go down and do that improv down there in Coconut Grove. Holy It was a battleground. It's a But all the Florida clubs and I love Joel Bashkov with all of my heart. Some of these like West Palm Beach, I'm there. Five sold out shows for Valentine's Day. Nobody's laughing. I'm like, why did you come? Like this tickets cost you. And it's just And then people are like, oh, we did love it. It's the weirdest. You're pulling from the polar ends of every demographic to comprise a Florida audience. Well, they all escape to Florida from somewhere else. The people that are born and raised there like whoa. That being said, Tampa and Orlando, fire. Like awesome. Wonder why that is. Is a lot of people visiting too. Yeah. Orlando is like Disneyland, Universal. Like that's a giant part of Orlando is people that are visiting.

17:14Yeah. And I always like Tampa. It was always cool. I remember playing the Jacksonville Comedy Zone. I like West Palm. I've always had a good time in West Palm. I had a good time because I made a lot of money and everybody was nice, but I remember thinking like this is like blood from a stone really. And it was like Valentine's Day weekend. I mean, there's a bunch of dudes that get dragged there by their wives. Like it's it's a I always make that joke. You're never in the room like the or it'll be in the main room. And there's always dudes. You can tell the dudes that are there for Mark Maron and the dudes that are there for Rogan because there's like there's just a different there's two different types of dudes. And I always make a joke like if something doesn't I'm like I'm like every guy's like, "Yeah, where's Rogan? That's why I showed up. What's

17:54she doing here? Where's Rogan?" And they always laugh because they're like friendly apes, right? They're friendly apes. But the you can tell the guys that are there for you. The guys are there for Marin. You can tell by cuz they're by themselves. I was going to say they're all in flannel. Did someone told me they had he had like the highest number ever of single tickets sold. Oh, funny. In all these different venues. I always encourage Why I like Mark? Of course you do. Odd duck. We're both in a movie coming out together. Oh yeah. What is it? It's called Wonderland. It's a Mark Wahlberg Winston Duke Peter Berg movie. I feel like you and Peter Burger are friends. I like that guy. Yeah. Yeah. You guys are the same vibration. And uh we're in a movie together and he plays a reporter and I play a love interest. I'm reticent to say, but he was great in the Joker. He's great.

18:40That Joker movie was woof. I always encourage people. They're always like, you know, you get a D. I'm like, I don't want to go to your show alone. I'm like, come alone. It's a dark room. Nobody's gonna ever make fun of you. And and you make at least at my shows, you make friends. Yeah. Because people, everybody wants to feel good. It's okay. Bring your dog. Come alone. I've talked to people like that, too. Is it lame to come to your show alone? Like, just come, man. Who cares? Go to the movies by yourself cuz that's the cool thing about groups of people going to see things is that you're feeding off the vibe of all the people there. It's not just with virtual reality. You're with people. It's an experience and you're there. And by the way, how bad of a comic am I if people are noticing an audience member alone? Like if that's the focus. Well, the only problem would be like a

19:22place like the store, they'd have to sit somebody at your table because every place is like a two top or But then it looks like you're with them. That's right. And when I come to pick on you, then we'll know. Yeah. Then we'll know. That'll be a The the ones by themselves, they always seat them. I don't know if they ask for it at the in the O, they always seat them in the front. So like, I'm just here alone. And I'm like, that's cool, but it's weird. You're right in the Well, that's cuz it's easy to do, right? Because it's not a table. It's a bar. You know, the front the front part is like just a long line, a large table or Yeah. It's not It doesn't like you're next to someone. You could easily be right next to someone, you have no idea who they are. I can always tell where the line is. I'm like, I can tell who's together. Like, shapes go with different shapes. And you

20:04can tell like where that line is. I'm like, you're a school shooter. You're sitting alone. These two are together. So, yeah. The O is the ultimate university for comedy. You learn so much about whether your act sucks or where your act's at, like whether or not it's getting better, where, you know, it's it's such a we're so lucky. I think about that sometimes like when I think about living somewhere else, cuz I do want to live somewhere else and I probably never totally live somewhere else. I'll probably keep a place here always cuz I feel like there's something about being able to go to the store that's so goddamn powerful. It's like we're so fortunate that we all work together, you know, and any given show it would be you and me and Delia and Whitney and Joey Diaz and Ken and it's like God so lucky. Yes. It's we're so lucky. B drops in like a thick like there's always on the

20:56lineup there's always like a dense murderous chunk. Yeah. And I think to myself like wow I'm so proud to post these lineups because these are the people that comic these are the comics that people want to see. like this is special for them and that's this dangerous weird energy place is our home and other comics you know people are very intimidated by the store which I totally get cuz there's a dark energy there but I always feel like I'm part of the Adams family I'm like yeah but that dark castle's my home yeah well we're it's a tight-knit group of humans you know we're all real close to each other in a weird way in a weird way but I've never like I'll never go to Brian Ken's house like I don't know where you live like not never But like we're close and I love seeing you guys but like but outside of that for some of us I mean I think it just depends.

21:43Yeah. I think we spend enough time with each other at the store. I go on the road with a lot of guys you know so that's different cuz when you're on the road together you're really like family you know like if I'm on the road with Diaz or Ari or Hinchcliffe or any of those guys like you know we eat together we work out together. We're just bullshitting together. We're walking to the mall together and hanging out. like it's all we're together all day and you have systems in place. There's like a comfort you bring, you know, you bring your friends because there's a trust there. There's a shorthand. My my feature is Hunter Hill. Do you know Hunter? No, I don't. He's huge. Um and he's so funny and it's like I I'm so proud to be able to be at a place in my career where I can foster bring another comic and watch them grow and I'm so proud of him and to get to

22:31share my audience with him. That's part of being an established comic, that joy. It's like having like a child, like of giving them these opportunities. Yeah. And to show them, you also have this opportunity to show other comics the the right way to tour and the right way to treat a comedy club waitress and the right way to speak to your tour. Like there's so many shitty comics out there that do things wrong. And I very early on decided like these are the rules that I want to tour with and this is how I want to treat people. And you pass that on. Other comics learn from older comics. Yeah. That's the only way we learn about everything really, right? I we've been talking about this a lot lately that there's nothing written written down by people like us, by like legitimate established comedians with specials who headline all over the country in the world. There's nothing written down by

23:14us because there's no rules. It's all so fluid. But even that, just that fact, you know, like I I feel like there's there's there's a book out there that should be written and it should probably be done by us where we kind of just talk about how everyone has a different process. Everyone's got a different way of doing it because young comics, I mean, it takes a long there's there's a lot of like wasted energy trying to figure out how to do it and no one can really figure out how to do it themselves until they just have experience and do it. But you I want to know how you write. I want to know how you what do you do when you have a premise? Like how do you go up? Do you do it different than Delia does it? Do you do it different than Diaz does? How how does Bill start his set? You know what when he throws away all his material because he just filmed a special and he's starting how does he

24:02start new. You know what do you do? And also by the way you can read all about the people that read about comedy and then think that's the way to do it. You won't know till you go right. And that's why when I you know I had somebody reach out to me recently. They're like, "I'm getting up pretty regularly, getting laughs pretty regularly." I'm like, "The key is pretty regularly. It has to be regularly." Yeah, but it's pretty regularly, right? And I'm like, "This is a commitment. This is a craft. This is a passion. This isn't a hobby. If you want it to be a hobby, you're going to get hobby hobbyist results, you know? That's a good way of putting it. And so, you got to put everything in because it's the only way you know how to operate." Uh, but just because I write a certain way doesn't mean that works for you. Like, I don't write anything down, right? Some people I

24:41remember one comic had a recipe box of jokes and he would go through it and each one was categorized. Is that insane? For sure. Was he good? No. But everybody's got their way that they do it. And if it works, it works. Yeah. It's not, you know, you can't knock it. Yeah. I think that everyone has their own way for sure. And I think uh you can learn from other people's ways and maybe try them out. And also, you got to realize like someone like you who's been doing it forever and doesn't write anything down, that's very different than someone who's just starting out who doesn't write anything down. Like, you should probably write some down. Yeah. A couple keywords. Yeah. Something. Yeah. And record your sets. But it's the thing about it is that there's the the consequences. Like, if you really want to make it as a comic, you must literally dedicate your life to it, particularly in the

25:30beginning. Like, you have to. I was talking about this yesterday the other day. I was like cuz so many people do comedy now. Even less did it when you started and not you know um and so many people do it now and there's so many avenues for comedy. So many different ways you can do it. So many more opportunities. I really give the people that do it now that are starting now credit because if I were if I just decided I wanted to start comedy now it would seem insurmountable just how intimidating it is getting in everybody's in UCB. Everybody does stand up. Everybody, I feel that way about podcasts, too, though. You know, I I always tell people to do podcasts. I'm like, just do it. It's a If you can figure out how to do it, it's an amazing way to make a living. And so many people can do it. It's like anything else, like comedy, like anything else. You You just start it and do it,

26:18but there's so many people doing it now. I mean, the numbers are astonishing. There's no litmus test for like what's decent. But if you're good, I really feel like even though there's a 700,000 podcasts, if you have something that's unique and interesting and you build something, people will find it. People will find it. The cream rises at the top. And that's with comedy, too. You know, go do your set. Don't blame anyone else. Put in the work. There's nobody out there who's awesome that isn't making steps toward being better. Undeniable. Yeah. There's nobody out there that's like a brilliant comic and it's like, "Yeah, nobody will give me stage time. It's been that way for a decade. If you are good, people will support you. A lot of people won't. But you have to just move in that direction. And even if you are that shitty comic that we were talking about at the

27:04beginning, like don't let us be the ones to tell you no. Yeah. Don't you feel like in this day and age though, comics are way more supportive of each other than when you started. Yeah. And I'm at a different level now. So I don't It's weird. I was thinking about the comic store. When you start there, you're like a freshman and now you can become an upper classman. And the upper classmen stay upper classman. Like you were an upper classman when I started, but now I'm also an upper classman. And these people go from being people you look up to to being your colleagues. Um, and among successful comics, it's less cutthroat, you know, and I think because of the pendulum shift in our society, people are a little bit kinder or whatever. But all that toxic energy that was at the store in particular, and in comedy, I remember when I started, kind of flushed out. Not really tolerated as much.

27:50Oh, it's gone. It's 100% gone. There's no there there's no like we got a lady door man. Yeah. It's a crazy place now. And and Adam, I think to his credit kind of is responsible for a chunk of that shift. 100%. And I think the resurgence of our audience is I would say in large part due to you and your podcast and Marin and his podcast, Brett Ern said this to me a while ago and I I agreed with it. He was like podcast people hear it then they come to the store and it's become more of a destination cuz it for a while like the store was like whatever. Well, there's a prelude to that. When Paulie Shore had his show, remember he had Minding the Store? I was in high school. Yeah. Well, when he had Minding the Store, I was at the store and I remember there's this giant crowd in the front bar and I was like, "What is going on?" And Paulie was out there and uh people

28:36were like, "Well, the show minding the store has really jumped up the amount of people coming." It didn't last, you know, the show didn't last either, but there was an impact. And I remember the impact. I remember going, "Oh, that's crazy." Yeah, look how many people watch this show. Like all of a sudden the comedy store became like this destination. But now when you think about podcasts like this one, this is going to be heard and seen by millions of people. And the other ones that we've done have also been and then the you know we've done how many comics on podcasts like hundreds of them. All those are like a free advertisement for the greatest spot on earth for standup. Yeah. And you get to say your spots and people come and they just want to be part of it. I was in a like a novelty store in Sweden. I was buying like a plate with like a cartoon chicken on it and this really cute guy

29:21because I I like little things. It was like I got it for my assistant. It had like a just some like a chachki, right? And the guy who obviously like it wasn't his dream job, just like a dude. And I was talking and he was like, I've heard you on Joe Rogan. And I was like, I'm in Sweden in like a girly plate shop and here's this dude who probably like loves MMA and you and recognize my voice across the world in like the weirdest little plate store. And I was like, that's the power of comedy. Like it reaches that far. Yeah. And you get to tour like I got to go on tour. I got to go to Malaysia to do comedy. What was that like? lit. Like they were I to me I did this whole Asia tour and I was like Malaysia is of all the countries I did cuz I did Hong Kong uh and I did Japan and uh there was one more and I'm blanking on it. Oh, Singapore. And of all of them I had not been to Malaysia.

30:12I'd been to the others and I had less context for Malaysia. I knew some of my clothing was made there and I knew that we ship a lot of our recycling there or try to, but I had no context. And it's interesting because you're there and everyone is in uh a hijab and they're Asian. So that's like you don't see that a ton. Yeah, cuz they're all Muslim. Muslim Asians and they look like Asian, like Japanese or Chinese. Yeah, like Asian. Wow. And they were just the crowd was on fire. Really? I thought it was going to be super conservative and weird. I made fun of the Chinese a little bit. They were like, "Yes." and they just went nuts and they were awesome. And I just remember thinking like and some people are expats but a lot of them were just full-on Malaysian and it's all because of Netflix and I was like that's it's so special to have your comedy. I'm going

30:56to go tour in Russia like places that you have no real context for are feeling your heart and they're understanding what you're saying and it's resonating with people that are nothing like you. You're going to tour in Russia? Yeah. Whoa, that's heavy. I'm going to Europe. Like it's just cool. And then they know other comics like they know who you are. They know who other people and it's just it's this secret. It's this like language. It's this community that we're you and I are members of and people all want to be part of it, right? Because people want to feel seen and heard and that comedy validates that weird voice in your head. And it lets you know that you're not alone. And for so many people that feel alone, it's so powerful to feel like you're being seen and that somebody understands you. Mhm. And that's why it's so important to have so many different kinds of comedy,

31:40different shapes and colors, just so people can choose who they resonate with, right? I'm never going to be able to reach everyone, and that's okay. Yeah, of course. Touring in uh Russia is going to be a trip. Schultz just did that. I'm going to ask Bert Crusher for tips. Did Did Bert work over there? No, but the whole machine thing. Yeah. Yeah. He'll tell you how to get drunk on a train. Yeah. Bert can tell you how to get drunk anywhere. I got a letter today. I'm going to Vietnam. And there it was in bold. And I've been to Vietnam before like for funsies, but it was in bold and it was like this like written out like imprisonment will be issued. There will be no jokes about do not mention Vietnam War. Vietnam like all these things. What? And I legit was like I do mention the Vietnam War. So just please remind me before not to have that one joke. It's

32:27not a joke about the Vietnam War. I just it's in there as part of the setup. Uh, but some countries like you do military shows, they have like a no burden list. Like you can't there's certain things you can't say, you know, when you do a military show. Yeah. You can't make like drug jokes. Please don't make fun of the president. Which I get. Uh, and some countries are like, "No joke. Do not say it." Like they wouldn't let you joke about Vietnam. You can't Sorry. Sorry about all that. I feel like I could, but then like try explaining context to someone that just wants you in jail. Yeah. I was going to China. I did Hong Kong and I had Beijing and they cancelled it to honor so random the Tianan Square massacre which of course should have been honored prior but it wasn't and they cancelled all comedy not that there was a ton across the land and so but they they cancelled all comedy

33:13they canceled it and it's that it's just a thing where we're very lucky in this country you can say whatever you want your rights end at your neighbor's nose but we that freedom is totally not to be taken for granted and other countries are aware of our freedom agreed them too. And I wonder how long they're going to keep the up in places like China. I wonder how long they're going to be able to do that cuz like you see what's happening in Hong Kong where Hong Kong is rebelling against the Chinese. I was there those protests were happening. We had to move the hotel cuz it was like in this like civic area. Uh it's I think it was like on Kumbay or something and I'll be a thousand% honest it was so congested and busy there. But if I didn't know there were protests going on, I wouldn't have known. It was and now it's probably grown a lot. But I mean, it's ongoing. Those people, they

33:57got a message and they're not backing down. They're not backing down. What's incredible is it's been going on for months and months and months. It's like a new activity. People are just in the streets, but a lot of people have been shot on video, you know, by cops and we just watch it. I mean, and it's like it just happens and it's not a big deal. It's insane. But we definitely have these social liberties and and uh I don't take it for granted. And some of these count and then part of me is like, okay, some venues are big, some venues are small. If I make a joke that you don't like, is that going to be run up the flag pole? I don't want to take the chance. I know. It's so interesting. I mean, we're at such a strange tipping point culturally uh in this country and then worldwide. You know, watch, you know, England just had their uh big elections. Jeremy Corbin lost, but he did a video

34:44where uh he was saying how he's running for president or whatever it is, prime minister. What is it over there? Prime Minister. Yeah. And I'm watching the crown. He said his pronouns. He said my pronouns are him, he. Okay, can I just put this out there? I'm super pr. I'm pro- fluid sexuality. If you are a straight male, we know your pronouns are him, he. Well, even if you're a gay male, if you're a gay male, your pronouns are he, him, too. If your pronouns are something or what it looks like you are, yeah, I don't think you need to that. To me, that feels very white. Weird. He has It's 100% white nighty. It was very cringy. And I think a lot of people like there's like some borderline people like this guy with this he him Your pronoun. You want to say him, they z whatever. Great. He him when you when you're he him. Everybody, you know, it's just such a a thing, a ploy. You

35:39know, my pronouns are he, him. Like, oh no you didn't. You You're 60 years old. Stop this. It gets other it's it's such a valid thing for other people and then it makes people eye roll just a little bit and then I think it takes away from the plight the genuine cause of the trans community. Yeah. Which fully supportive of. Yeah. If you want to be called she or her and fine. I'm not down with the madeup words. The madeup words can all go themselves. The Zur and Ziggs and Well, also you wouldn't know unless someone told you. Like don't get mad at me for not innately knowing that I should have said you should have asked. You should have asked the pronouns. No, you got to tell me. No, no, you have to ask. That's the new rule. You You must comply. I'm really bad at asking questions. Like someone will be like, "How's your day?" I'm like, "Great." And I talk and

36:26I always have to remind myself like, "And how was your boring day?" Because there's no punchlines in this answer. People ask me and I always assume they're just interested and then I realize they're making small talk. I should ask I should return the fire, right? But I don't. No. Ear beating to the worst when someone comes over and just starts rattling off about how their day was and there's nothing there. Nothing. Like then I went to try to find a lighter, but you know how hard it is to find a lighter. And then I went to this store, there was no lighter. And I was like, do you know where I can get a lighter? Here's the other day somebody was talking to me. And I the words came out like a burp. I couldn't stop it. I just went stop telling me stop talking. Came out. So you can do what what I did to that guy. I was very comfortable with that person. Stop talking. Oh, you were comfortable.

37:10Wasn't a stranger. That's the difference. No. Yeah. Sometimes you got to give people a minute. They're not as uh verbally accurate. But yeah, but yeah. Mhm. As we both take a Yeah. So, Malaysia is where is it on the map? What's it next to Singapore? It's like Singapore's younger I guess Singapore is the younger brother. Singapore has a lot of expats, right? A lot of expats. A lot of money. It's very sterile. Sterile. Like it's not like a party, but they have a lot of money. Crazy laws there, right? If you up, they'll cane you. Remember the kid? Yes. That's that's that was our introduction to Singapore as white America. That kid's got scars on his ass to this day. Well, here's a rule. Don't go to another country and break their law and think it's cool cuz you're American, right? Like, I have such a healthy respect as a proud American. I always want to

37:58represent. Well, I talk about in my act, so I'm not going to do the bit. But I really am cognizant of the fact that people in many cases look up to us and or are jealous of us. And like with anybody, if you give them a reason to be like, "What an American pig." And I don't I will ne like I will always show you that we are as good as we think we are. That's what I always say about Hawaii. Like people say, "Oh, if you go to Hawaii, they don't like white people." I go, "No, they don't like They don't like Don't Hawaii is one of the nicest places ever." Do they have a problem with some white people that come over there and act like Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But like the general like you're going to find racists everywhere. Racist against black people. racist against Hawaiian, racist against white people, racist against Asians. You're you're going to find that there's certain

38:42people that are just they don't like others, right? That's just how it is. But for the most part, Hawaii is cool as They just want you to respect their land the way that they do. And I get it. Uh it's funny because my mom anything I I'm like, I'm going to these countries. She's like, don't walk around alone. You're Jewish. Be careful in Europe. You're Jewish. By the way, s like anti-semitism is rampant. Alive and well. You don't look Jewish, though. You could pull it off. You don't look anti-semitic. Like, what does that mean? You have a tiny little nose. Well, I paid for it. What was it like before you got it whacked? Huge. No, it was just different. It was like, you know, mess it ever. My dad calls it the Chinsky hook. Everyone in my family has this nose. My nana, whose last name was Chinsky, and it's just my dad has it. Looks great on a dude. Not my favorite thing.

39:30Like on a dude. Dudes can have up noses and it's kind of noble. So my husband has like a big nose, right? Cuz he's like half Italian fellow. Yeah. He loves you. Half Italian, half Jewish. And I said to him cuz I'm like, "This isn't my nose." And if we have a baby, I'm like and that and it's a girl and she's got that nose. She better be great at basketball or brilliant because just get her nose fixed. I don't It would be her choice. I would want her because your nose matches your face. Like if I didn't know your nose fixed, I would Yeah. Well, sometimes too because I had one, you know, you I look and I I can spot one a mile away, like a nose job. And a lot of people have big noses and they get these scooped out things that don't fit their face cuz everybody wants like a cute little guyish nose. Uh goyish and it doesn't fit. If you're like if you've got like a long face and you have

40:15this scooped out nose, it you can tell like if Ari got a little nose like yours, we'd be like, "What in the is going on?" Any dude had a little elephant nose, but I have a small head. I have a small mouth. It's a syndrome and I have a tiny nose now. But uh yeah, but that's it. I think the blonde hair throws people off. Do you smell as good as you used to be able to? Yeah, I have Your nose holes are probably smaller. No, my nostrils were always small. I have I got when I was 18, so like who remembers anything before that, right? I have keen oldactory senses. I can smell. It's like a problem. Like a wolf. Like if you had a cigarette yesterday, I would be able to tell you now. Really? I It's a problem. It makes it difficult for me. Like what is that one where people not am uh like where people have s like uh where loud noises upset them. Yeah. I don't know the word but I know

41:02what you're talking about. What is it? I have that with smells and it's difficult just around people and I'm constantly having I'm constantly like being t like just mentally attaching things and places of smells like I'm just having uh not deja vu but I'm always having useless until I got it fixed. I got a I feel like you've been hitting the nose so much. That's the problem. Everybody says they had a deviated septum. I did have a deviated septum. My nose is actually wider. I think after the operation cuz they stuffed some thing. I had to get these turbinates. They're called um cleaned up. They had they had to cut the inside of my nose out and it was also calcified. Yeah. Because you know like cauliflower ear, you know what that is? When guys get up ears from wrestling. I squeeze it. I had that inside my nose. So the inside of my nose was all hard with uh broke a

41:50lot of people that have been hitting the nose and like scar tissue. It just it swells. Well, what it is is when you have blood under the skin, the reason why you get calcium or the um cauliflower ear, it's actually what happens is the blood calcifies and the blood actually literally becomes a rock. Right. So like when you see um cauliflower ear like I've seen guys get their cauliflower ear broken off and it falls off. Yeah. There's a video of this guy. He loses his cauliflower ear. See if you can find it, Jamie. Just Google cauliflower. It falls on the map. It's white. It's white. Like a white stone. Literally is calcium. Yeah. So that was inside my nose. So they had to open up my nose like, you know, with forceps and and carve all this stuff out. And then they had to shove these molds like these like to form it. Yeah. Well, it's like foam like like a

42:39hard like a soft, you know, dense foam. So look at that ear on the ground. That is. Yep. That's just But that's that's just the calcified part. It's just the calcified, but it's all the skin attached to it. I bet he was relieved probably, but guys like it because it makes him feel like a man. Well, you can spot a fighter. I'll see him in airports. I mean, they're always also in sweatpants and sliders, but yeah, that is like she fought Jessica eye and Jessica eye her ear up and to the point where her cauliflower ear broke off and you could see inside of her head like her ear was hanging down. You could like look into her head. It's hard to see from that picture. That's not picture. You're cool with that? I think about how sweaty my ears get in these headphones. So, I can't imagine being punched in the ear repeatedly. Well, I always wore headgear always from

43:25grappling. That's why I don't have any cauliflower ear. Well, so you're not like a little tiny pieces, but you love it. Do you love that you're tiny pieces? Yeah. Tell everybody. Look how badass I am. You feel it right there. Thick ear. Feel it right there. Little spot. Little tiny spot. Little bitty one. I always ask if I can squeeze it and they always say yes. And it's never as satisfying as I'd hoped it would be. Rock. Yeah. You want to squish it. Randy Coutur told me he used to shove it in people's faces. Like when he was wrestling, he used to get his ear and drive it into people's eye sockets. Like that whole thing is a giant rock. Well, props to him for having the precision in battle to be able to do that along with all the grappling. He's a savage. He just had a heart attack. Well, I I'm sorry. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. Dude's like 55 years old. He was working

44:08out and he was like, "Um, I got to go to the doctor." just went straight to the doctor and they're like, "Dude, you just had a heart attack." She's like, "I'm so tough. I didn't even notice." Like, "I eat my own heart. I don't give a fuck." I don't have any sports injuries. I don't think I ever played a sport. You have no sports injuries at all? No. I feel like a lot of girls like get knee surgery in high school and stuff like that. Maybe I just wasn't playing hard enough. You don't have You You never played any sports? I played sports. I just don't have any. I played lacrosse. Oh, you were so white. So white. That's so white. It's such a private school thing. It's the whitest sport of all time. I played lacrosse in Texas. So, it's a rough sport, though. Cool. People don't know people crack people with those sticks. What I lacked in genuine athletic ability, I made up for an aggression.

44:50Wow. So, there's nothing worse than an athlete that's not good, but they're very aggressive. Do you think that flavored you as a human? Maybe. Yeah. It wasn't cute. Well, it's not cute. Well, I think of girls playing lacrosse is like hair all over the place and this face in skirts. Yeah, it's I got ejected from a game one time so hard that I wasn't allowed to sit with my team. Like what's a shade beyond a red card? Like a black beating heart. What did you do? I hit a girl with a stick. Yeah. With with my car in the parking lot. I thought it made your hand or something. No, I hit with my stick and it was unlawful and they made me sit next to my parents in the stands and it was so humiliating. Good for you. I I would pat you on the head. Good. Our team was pretty good. those up. I played defense though, so I wasn't really a part of the I had a buddy of mine that played

45:39lacrosse in high school and I I remember he was like telling me I was crazy to fight and I was like, "What's to stop someone from hitting you with those sticks? You guys are running into each other, man." I go I'm like, "Don't kid yourself." I'm like, "You're doing something violent. You're just doing something violent under this weird pretend thing." Yeah. Uh under pretend civility. Boys get pads and helmets and girls do not. What the is that all about? Cuz girls aren't supposed to hit. I mean, you're it's a physical sport, but boys, it's like football with sticks. Did you like just pick it up like a baseball bat and crack this chick in the head? Like, so if you put it over your head and come down, that's not okay, right? My nickname was I think it was like, oh, butcher. Because my coach was like, you hold your stick and you come down so hard because you know what? It comes out on

46:23the field and women are not allowed to be aggressive. It's a thing where it's like on sports day like you know wear skirt be ladies represent and you got dudes just running around ripping people's heads off raping villages and one girl takes her shirt off at a World Cup game. Megan Rapino does something it's like whoa scandalous. Well, I just got back from the UFC. There was three women fights this weekend. That's a different thing. Pretty intense. And that's okay now. But for other sports it's always expected that women conduct yourselves like ladies, right? And I'm like that's not what it's sport. It's sport. It's has nothing to do with the real world. It has to do with trying to win. But it it also has I mean you just you violated the rules though. Just rules. Broke the rules because otherwise like if everybody was just swinging at each other it would be a totally different sport.

47:08Not I was not great and I own that. What did you do? Did you just swing it over your head? I probably just came down like a hammer. Yeah. Like if you have too much uh like torque built up like I had and I hit and you're not supposed to. You hit her on the head. You can give a tap. A tap to get the ball out of the thing. I didn't hit her on the head. I think I I probably hit her stick so hard. I don't remember. My friend was telling me people get concussions. High school was only like two years ago. I'm like, "How many people you know you've been getting concussions from lacrosse?" He was like, "A lot." And I was like, "Bro, you're in a violent sport. It's a violent sport. It's a violent sport." And it's oddly not a professional sport because I think it would be an exciting professional sport. It's a professional sport, but it's not. It's not a widely received one. You're

47:49not going to make any money playing lacrosse. It's like bowling, right? It's not But they do have it. I have a friend that plays professionally and I don't know who's watching it, but they do it, right? But wouldn't you think that it would be like hockey? It would be like a legit Yeah. rugby should be our football. That's what I think. I think it would be better for the athletes, less concussions. They had less concussions back when they were playing with those little leather helmets and little tiny pads cuz you just couldn't do what these guys are doing. You're just smashing into your head as a battering round. gigantic super athletes in their prime running at preposterous speeds with unescribable power. Yeah, those guys are so strong. When you're around a real professional football player, you're like, Jesus Christ, they're look like Brandon Sha plus, right? You you know when you're

48:34around Sha how big he is. Imagine him plus 60 70 lbs. That's these guys. I get it, Joe. 300. I've seen football before, but they're so big it's doesn't make sense. And they're running at each OTHER FULL CLIFF. IT'S TERRIFYING. IT'S terrifying and it's so bad for your brain. That being said, I I would like to go to a Rams game. Yeah. I'd like to see the new stadium. Yeah. I'd like to go in one of them big bulletproof hamster wheels, you know, and play so nobody could see me. I mean, no. So, why don't you sit in a sky box? Cuz people fight. What are you talking about? Are we talking about two different things? Rams. What are you talking about? Football. I'm saying go in the audience, but be be in like a bulletproof box. Why don't you just sit in a sky box? It is bulletproof. That's true. Didn't he not Didn't he not down with the people? You got to get down with

49:19Is that what you want to be with the proletariat? Well, with a Raiders game, that's how I'd watch a Raiders game. Oh, boy. A bulletproof box. Yeah. Game is have boxes on the field. Bulletproof boxes. I don't know about bulletproof, but plexiglass box. I was honestly I was thinking Raiders, but the Raiders game if you Raiders are going to Vegas now, right? It's going to be more violent. Yeah, cuz there's no loyalty. It's just people coming and getting up and being like Raiders. That's a weird sport, right? Or a weird team, right? Because the Raiders are synonymous with thugs. Yes. It's like one of the only sports or one of the only teams where the audience is synonymous with thugs. I always think of Frasier Smith's joke. What was it? It's about how like there's all these like thugs at Knock Scary Farm and it's like just like some teenager that's like, "Boo raiders, bitch." And I always

50:07think of that like some kid in like a sheet just scaring you and yelling raiders. That's hilarious. Uh, but I think having um a transient audience for a home team is kind of a thing. Of course, people live in Las Vegas, but by and large, it will be a tourist attraction. Mhm. Um, cuz it's also in the fall and winter, so it's a not sweltering time of year to go to Las Vegas. And I don't know, it'll be interesting to see like hometown pride and what that fan looks like when you're in a city where everybody's always coming out. I don't believe it's real. I don't think I mean, Vegas is a real town. There are real locals there, but I don't think there's enough to show like hometown pride, especially for something like the Raiders. The LA. They're from LA and then they're from Oakland and now they're here in Vegas, but they're not from Vegas. And I don't think the Rams I mean, to

50:54me, I don't really even know anyone that watches football. And it's uh it's weird that we're getting a football team. Yeah. I wonder what would happen if players were not allowed to switch teams. What? Like it's just like a sentence like you take the the oath. You're like Larry Bird, you're in the Celtics for life, you know? Like there's back when I was a kid, I didn't watch sports, but I remember like players were on teams. Like Michael Jordan was on the Chicago Bulls, right? I I that was how it was with the Cowboys growing up, whether you watch it or not. Like it was a part of your life and all those guys are forever synonymous. Like Deion Sanders, Prime Time 21, baby, that's the Dallas Cowboys. And I remember there was a DJ who passed away who did his name was Kidratic and he was the Kiss FM DJ in the morning. That guy passed away. Passed away and it was super sad

51:42a year ago, two years ago. What happened? Heart attack. But I remember he would always, this is not that funny, but he would always say, "I'm from Dallas, Texas, where the Cowboys play." And I would say that for years cuz I thought that was like a cool source of pride cuz it's America's team. And then I realized all that did was open up the conversation to someone being like, "Whoa, Cowboys." and I don't have the information to back it up and I don't want to have that conversation. Right? You'd have a debate about the Cowboys versus blank like saying I'm from I for years on stage at like a shitty club I'd be like I'm from Dallas and you'd always get a guy like no the Cowboys. I'm like cool dude not attached to it like this is not going to be how this hour goes. But uh yeah, no real but it is a part of your upbringing. Sports dudes love to get angry. There's

52:24something about sports radio and sports broadcasting. They love to get shitty about athletes. That guy's a He can't play. I was in Montreal last week and I was just sitting in a cafe and I was just listening to these two French Canadian guys go in on just on other parts of Canada and other cities. And the stuff he was, it was savage. Like they eat their own in Canada. And it was just on the Leaves and on Winnipeg. Oh, it's a city of degenerates. That's why they lock it down at 10:00. like just losing it. And then I tweeted, I Instagrammed about it and then the rest of the Canadians weighed in on how much they hate French Canada and it became a thing and I'm like, "None of us watch hockey." Well, French Canada is a different Canada. It's a different thing. That's great. I love it up there. I love Quebec, but they want to secede. They've wanted to secede since I've been going

53:13up there since the '9s. Yeah, people get froggy when it comes to the Brexit thing, but nobody, even Brexit, England's not pumped about that. Uh, Northern California wants to secede. Well, Brexit is so weird because Brexit is, you know, they're part of the European Union. It's almost like Texas leaving the United States. My whole thing is whatever I understand the reasons wanting that. The second somebody tries to invade like you don't have your own militia. You don't have an army. Well, they this whole European Union thing is very new though. Mhm. It hasn't been going on that long because you cannot just easily when you're in England, you got to go through the whole thing when you're going to another country. And it used to just be such a chill thing. Mhm. And now it's a little bit of a nightmare. I haven't done it. I haven't done it. I haven't traveled to England since the

53:55whole Brexit thing has been going on. I did. I went through touring and it should have just been like just hop on a plane to go to your other countries. Now you got to go through customs. You're just stuck in customs hoping someone comes for you. I don't know enough about the arguments pro and con to comment on it honestly. Well, and it truly doesn't matter cuz we don't have a vote in it. But I know the dude looks like a British version of Donald Trump. Yeah, he looks like they're He's got up yellow hair. The whole deal. He literally looks like their version of Trump. Like a wonkier if it's possible. A younger wonkier. A hotter. He's a little hotter. A little bit. And they say America sneezes, the rest of the world catches a cold. Oh, you know, like we do something, people will start to imagine if dudes with up blonde hair just start taking over the world.

54:38I feel like that was Hitler's vision. Like I feel like that's where they were headed. That was right. Right. What was crazy was like Hitler didn't look like that. Brown hair. I think he even had like a Jewish grandma. Brown eyes. Every Jew knows this. He had a Jewish grandma. I think it's something like that. Look at that guy. Come on. What in the He looks like Harry from Dumb and D. Take it away. He's not hotter. He's just younger. When Trump was younger, he was way hotter than that dude. No, that guy's terrible. Terrible looking. Yeah. But a lot of Trump supporters this weekend. Kobe Coington was fighting in the UFC and he's a big Trump supporter. You know, I got to say this. This is not proTrump, but this is pro your own rights. We have this thing in California. I I said something I was in a writer's room and I said something about someone who I knew that voted for

55:22my family that voted for Donald Trump and they were they someone was like, "Someone in your family voted for Donald Trump. Do you still speak to them?" And I was like, "Don't get high with me." This idea that you can't I understand he represents all these horrible things, but we have to be able to have conversations Yeah. in this country and on both sides and other liberals at times and I say this as a person who's fairly liberal. It's terrifying just attacking your own allies and creating no space for a conversation. Well, liberals used to be when I was a kid and my parents are hippies and we lived in San Francisco when I was a little kid and so I always thought of liberals as being the people that were like open-minded, you know, uh not wanting to silence people, letting people speak. They're all about people just being whoever who they are and not not trying

56:12to enforce like rigid patterns of behavior and thought on people. But that's not the case now because they think they're doing the right thing cuz they think they're combating something that's awful and aggressive and regressive. You know, something that is they feel like the country that they know and love is slipping away. So, but so do the conservatives. So does everyone. Exactly. But the response to it is not the right way to go about it. The response to it is to show a great example of what your your ideology represents by being a good person, by being open-minded, by being kind. Instead, people are being super super shitty. There's so many super super shitty people that think they're doing the right thing because they're progressive and all they want good things. They want gay rights and they want racial equality and they want people to be able to make more money and

57:00they want to be happy and healthy. attacking anyone who from the get-go doesn't agree with you. Because by the way, if you if you and I disagree and you calmly want to have a conversation with me, I am very open to having my mind change. Of course, I want to be on the right side and I want to do the best thing. If you yell at me and you call me stupid, you call me all and you're attacking me and you're on the defense from the get-go. You're on the offense from the get- go. But just as a person with pride, you're going to want to be like, you know what, I don't want to hear it and you because you represent now all the good intentions. like you're the representative of all that and I don't like you. Yeah. So, you are um you're an ambassador for your cause when you speak. I'm really into the environment and plastic and stuff like that. And I am very specific about how

57:45and when I post about things because you don't want people to get activism fatigue and you don't want to be the person who posts about everything because then no one will listen to anything, right? And you don't want to call people out specifically because just cuz somebody carried a plastic bottle that day doesn't mean they don't drive a hybrid. You don't know what people are doing, right? Did you see Chris practice shame? That's literally what I'm thinking of. And while I love that he did that, part of me is like that's a little holier than now. Who shamed him? Jason Momo is so hot. He's so hot. He's so hot. He's so hot. But we we're so Especially online, we're so quick to be like, you're not doing it right. We do it with feminism, too. And you have no idea right the pious good life that person is leading and you're judging them on a snapshot on which you don't want to be judged on.

58:29Well, they want to judge people. The thing is about it's a lot of what this is is about people that are on the fringes. It's the the ideas are great, right? But the people that want attention for espousing these great ideas often times are the fringe. So the far left and the far right. A lot of it what it is, it's just people that are ultraaggressive about enforcing their ideology and then they're really shitty and they want other people to comply. And so you get these people that represent the right and these people that represent the left, but there a lot of the the ideas of the right and the left. There's nothing wrong with being fiscally conservative. There's nothing wrong with being what a true Republican is, right? Uh you want less government in your money. There's room in there for conversation. But when you go far right and then you go far left, then there's no room.

59:16And when you start vifing people from the get- go, uh, and when you start expecting people, I Owen Benjamin, who is just basically is like in a tin foil hat somewhere and like living off the grid. He offended a lot of people, right? You're just staring at me. Yeah. Don't listen to me. Uh, and he said a bunch of stuff about trans stuff. And I remember there was this girl that I was friends with on social media. Didn't know her, but just followed her cuz I liked her writing. That's it. And she DMs me one day and she's like she's like, "Ow, Benjamin, like how could you be like maybe I I don't know if I'd interacted with him on Twitter. I I'm never on Twitter cuz I think it's a toxic hole." Uh, and she was like she's getting mad at me. And I go, "What are you talking about?" She was like, "He said all this stuff that's anti-trans." And I hadn't heard anything. Well, let me let me say what

60:04he said, okay? And here's the thing. He went off into a spiral, right? But I agree with what he said. What he said was there was someone that he knew, someone who works in Hollywood that had a three-year-old that they were turning trans, right? And he said that that was child abuse. That was what led I don't disagree with this crazy situation. Totally. This is I No, I agree with it 100%. I don't disagree with that. Yeah, I agree with him 100%. You wouldn't let that child decide what it's eating, right? So, that's a great joke. You don't let I always say this. I wish I could remember who who it was. They said, "You don't let a kid pick their outfit. Why the would you let them pick their gender for the rest?" Just like the joke I just made. Yeah, but it's somebody did it already, right? I'm not going to do the joke. Uh, but so that aside and the spiral aside, which I didn't even

60:54participate like it's whatever. Like those are your choices. That's what you're saying. I had no Here's the thing that cost him dearly. his agency left him and then comedy clubs banned him for that. That was the beginning of and he just steered into that skid. Well, that's but that's what started the skid, right? What started the skid was there was something else about like he called someone who had written a look this that's not the point of what I'm saying. Those things went south afterwards. You have to manage those things. My point was I knew none of this. So I'm just like going to brunch one day and this person starts attacking me offline. How can you be friends with him? And I go whoa whoa. What are you talking about? She's like, "He's saying all these horrible things." And I She's attacking you in person. She's uh in my like direct message. And

61:34I This is my only point is I said, "I've known Owen most of my career. Let me go read what you're talking about." And she was angry at me for wanting to gather information. This person is a trans writer who I literally until that moment didn't know was trans cuz I was just a fan based on merit. Like I just like the writing. And I said, "How dare you? Shame on you. as a journalist, you should applaud that I go and collect my facts. They want compliance, like immediate, instantaneous compliance. And I said, I'm an ally and I am protrans and I am progay rights, but you do not get to bark at me on a Sunday morning when I have no idea what we're talking about and get mad at me. And I have to tell you, I don't trust anyone who says they're an ally about anything. I'm a total. You say, but you say that if you say I'm an ally. I'm an ally. You think I'm antitrust? Not buying it. Not buying it.

62:22Uh I vote. She hates Mrs. Downfire. That's how little of an ally she is. Just the term ally is gross. It's It's okay when other people use it like he's an ally. That guy's an ally. She's an ally. I get that. That's a good way to use it. But when you say I'm an ally, I'm like, nah. Okay. Not by Well, I'm protrans. Good for you. And I I blocked that person. I was like, you don't get to bark at me and tell me for for any cause. Yeah. I too many people live on Twitter. It's not good. It's not healthy, folks. Talk to people. Twitter is it's become like a subway bathroom wall. Like people just Michelle Wolf told me the exact same thing last week. She says now it on her phone because you're just screaming into a void and all it does is just it just nets negativity. So they're just waiting for you to up. By the way, anybody who's ever said anything awful to me on Twitter who I've

63:09seen in person, they say nothing. And I'm I'm that's the only way people should talk is face to face. Yeah. Louis CK said that to me. We were talking about this and he said it's just talk but it's written down so people think it's like more than it is because people people would say these kind of things and you would go ah you get like and retweets which are basically pitchforks. But like if you said something like uh if you said something about someone like you said something about Bert or something like that you know and he said it online like Bert should know a lot about getting drunk in Russia. If he if he read that it sounds so bad. Yeah. It's like what the there's no inflection. Right. But if right but if you just said it to me we were hanging out and then you saw Bur and hugged him. I wouldn't think you're a hypocrite. It's normal. Right. So it's it's like what Louis was

63:53saying. It's just talk but but it's written. It's talk without nuance or inflection because not everyone has mastered grammar or punctuation. But it's worse. Especially for us cuz we say things we talk You know, like even now you and I are agreeing on everything and I'm like I'm gonna face a firing squad of betas when I get on my Instagram later be like and Rogan was talking and and not you. Listen, there's a certain percentage of people that are going to attack every woman who comes on the show for sure. That just happens. It happens almost always except Jesse May. Jesse May got like super positive. She's doing it better than you. I don't know what's up. Oh, sick burn. Uh, no. She's the only one that I've had on. But maybe cuz she told me. Do you check? She thinks maybe she's just like a half glass half full kind of girl. Maybe she's just high all the time.

64:43I don't know. I don't know anything. She's high all the time. Oh yeah. I am not a I know it's like not cool around. I am not a pot smoker and I want Nope. I mean my brother grows Elon Musk moment. You know what I mean? Oh man. Did I didn't think his I didn't think he looked as weird as everybody thought. Oh, he's weird. But he because he was like trying to like hold it in or whatever. Do you know that my brother uh has a marijuana farm? That's what my brother does. Where? Northern California. And he does it like he's got a gun. Like he grows his plants. We're not a farming people, but he that's what he does. It's a great way to make a living right now. Makes his living. And uh I am just not I would like to like it because it seems like a What's wrong with it to you? Like what is doing? I just think you're going to be hotboxed in about 10 minutes. I thought that wasn't a real thing.

65:30It's a real thing. I've got places to go. You'll be uh more jovial. I have an outline to more. I'm good. More community oriented later the day. See how I think it makes me I always people always like no this is indica in the couch and this is the diva. Open your mind. And I always feel like it makes me think about death and I feel uncomfortable and my mind just starts racing. Yeah, me too. Well, I don't want that cuz I already think about death. I'm already uncomfortable. It gives, look, I think I need humility in every form, but it is an excellent form of humility to me. It It helps me. It helps me be more humble. It helps me uh be nicer to people. No, it does. You are nice. I am nice. Part of the reason why I'm nice is cuz I'm a pthead. It's made me a nicer person. I've always been nice, but I have less not nice in me than I ever did before. I think that just comes with age.

66:24Maybe too, for sure. You're very old. Yes. Very ancient. No, barely alive. Uh, I'm halfway dead for sure. Unless everything goes amazing. I prefer What is that? Oh, that's a dead bug. That's from my friend Maynard. He sent me that from his farm. We were talking about one of these things. Like a black jacket. No, that is that gigantic monster is a tarantula hawk. That is a huge Oh, That's like something out of a beastuary. They kill tarantulas. They sting the out of them and lay their eggs in their body. Those are monsters. They're so big. It's like a little bird. So, he was explaining it to me and describing how big it was. Then he sent me one, a dead one from his place. Pretty cool. I don't think it's dead. I think it's waiting. That's Maynard from tools bug. That's the weed cloud in the room. It's floating over her side of the room. Yeah, it's trying. Marijuana's trying to

67:14talk to you. It's like Eliza, we have creativity for you. And you get it everywhere. It's at all the shows. They give you this. And I just You don't have to. I don't. You don't have to. You just There's no need. No need to. Do you do anything like do you meditate? Do you do anything to try to alter your state? I do a lot of deep thinking. I'm not as good at meditating as I would like, but I'm very self-reflective. That's good. Uh, and uh, I do a lot of reading. Do you feel like women that are confident get kind of like more heat? Like men that are confident don't really get that much heat from women, right? It's almost like expected. But women that are confident get hate. Like when I if if I did a woman's podcast, right? And like a women's podcast or a woman's podcast. A woman's like yours. Like if I did your podcast, I don't get hate from women. Sure, I'd do your podcast. I did it

68:03before. Uh I don't get I wouldn't get hate from women, but I think for a certain amount like sometimes guys podcast, they want to hear you talk about guy you know? I talked about football for at least 5 minutes and I held my own. Talked about how you were violent as a lacrosse player, right? So are you rock harder? What? America. Uh, I think it's um it's not something that I think about a ton because people are always like, "Oh, you're so confident." I just It's not like I took a pill to become that way. I just always operated just the way I was supposed to. Some people like you, some people don't. But I think I think people get insecure. And I think insecurity for men and women manifests itself in very ugly ways. Uh whether it's women hating other women for being more attractive. Whether it's you didn't get laid so now you're going to go shoot up a group of people. Yeah.

68:51And insecurity, I talk about this in my book, is just such a personal ugly thing and people it's you are constantly putting it on others. It used to be that a girl could have a hot body and there was zero consequences. Nope. It never was that. It was never that. Other girls didn't like it, but there wasn't like publicly espoused consequences. We didn't have social media. Oh, definitely there was. Hot girls are always called right? Always and forever or gold diggers or something like that. But Salem witch trial, all them had hot bodies. Oh, yeah. But that wasn't real. Do you know what that was about? The Salem witch trial. It was It was about urgot. They had a late frost and the late frost caused fungus to grow on their wheat. They thought it was that fungus contains lysurgic acid, which is very similar to LSD. So while these people were eating their bread and using their wheat

69:40and flour, they were getting acid poisoned. So they were thinking that everyone was witches. And it was always probably men that couldn't get laid. And now you're talking about in America because it was different. Salem witch trials, that very particular thing. But what came before that, let's check to make sure that that this hasn't been debunked. Well, I can tell you what came before that in the witch seeking out of witches in Europe. Mhm. Um it was this widespread thing of course to spread Christianity, but they'd have witch committees like go from town to town to find people cuz everybody needs like a scapegoat and then they'd check you for marks and of course a mark could just be a birth mark and then there's trial by fire, trial by floating. You know, they used to tie women down and weigh them down with rocks and if they drowned they weren't a rich a witch

70:22but if they survived then they knew they were witches, right? You're either way. I listen to Aaron Mankeyy's podcast lore and he talks about this stuff all the time and he talks about lore l o r e it's awesome about folklore all different kinds and he talks about the different trials so you know and it's all stuff like that where like you're kind of damned if you do damned if you don't regardless like if you we set you on fire and if you scar then you're not a righteous man and if you die you were righteous whoopsy daisy so this is a thing what was the point oh witches had hot bodies uh you're talking about the women having good bodies no when was talking about is that women when they go on a man's podcast a lot of times is they get women or men rather will hate on them. I Oh, that was I was going to say that women have uh like today women you're body shaming or you're showing an

71:09unrealistic body type and you're feeding into unrealistic body expectations. I've seen that a lot. Saying that to another woman. Yeah. Yeah. There was an ad that was pulled in England in the UK because uh it was like a gym ad and this this girl was in a bikini. She had a hot body. I forget what it was for. I think it was a gym, something like that. Maybe sunscreen or some But this girl had a hot body and they made them pull the ad because it was promoting unrealistic body expectations. But I was like, "What isn't?" Well, here's the thing. It's like it's a girl. Like she's a real person. It's not unrealistic. You could do it. You can get really fat, too. There it is. Are you beach body? See, to me, that's maybe in England that's unrealistic, but in LA that's just normal. That is not unrealistic. It's not unrealistic. No, it's just Here's my thing. Here's my thing. It's a hot girl.

71:52Let's say that's her body. Okay. Um, I do think we have a problem in our society. Like my boobs are real and because they're big my whole life. Uh, I mean my adult life people are like, "Are those tits real?" And they can't believe that. And I'm like, "Someone's got to have real tits for you to ask if they're real." Yeah, they're real. Some some big ones are real. And it's offensive, but it's also like people are just It's almost like we're so fed all of this fake stuff that when someone actually has it, like my eyelashes are real and they're long and people are always like, "Those got to be fake." And I'm like, someone had to have had real eyelashes in the first place to measure other eyelashes against. So when someone's big or strong, we always assume that they're faking it cuz sometimes our noses are fake, right? But some girls go crazy with the eyelashes. They got spiders growing on

72:37their heads. My other thing is like I can judge that girl silently. I don't have to say it to her face. Like you don't have to be a piece of about it. Right. Well, that's the thing about social media is you can just attack that girl. I don't want to be high. And I feel like I'm high now. You're definitely not high. I feel so high. Do you? I don't know. I've been playing with this cord too long. You might be. Are you getting paranoid? I'm a little sweaty. Really? Am I amazed? Cuz the heat finally. Me, too. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, the heat on the HS. Yeah, it was cold in here when we first got in. Yeah. I find like 59 degrees. I think it's just your body heating the room. I come on your podcast because I genuinely enjoy your interaction and I do think you have a really smart, cool audience of mostly people that think like you. I think as a woman or just as a person, anytime you open your mouth or

73:28leave the house, there's going to be people like you, people who don't. So, you just don't focus on the ones that don't because I have found when someone doesn't like me, it typically has nothing to do with actually me. Well, there's a thing that people do when someone's very opinionated where you want to for some reason like combat their opinions. I've seen people do it even in things that they don't necessarily disagree with. They just become a contrarian just to like to with. But that's what I'm saying. It has nothing to do with what I said. It's something in you that you're bothered by. And I really try in being autodidactic and in being self-reflective when I don't like someone. I really try to examine what it is. And sometimes it comes down. I'm like, maybe I'm just jealous. I'm just jealous. You use autodidactic. Don't be jealous. You just did it really really well. Snuck it in

74:11there without anybody. And a lot of time it is jealousy versus oh I really hate their stance. It's that but sometimes it's also there's an incorrect way of thinking about people like when someone's confident or someone's brash for whatever reason like we get competitive. I'm like that guy. Why is that guy such a dick? Yes. Instead of getting like huh what do I care? As long as he's not being shitty to me to you. But but think about it that upsets people because deep down you're reminded that you're not that and those are all the things you want to be. Sure. Oh, he's confident. Oh, he's Oh, he's good-look. I've seen that with men. Yeah. Oh, yeah. For sure. I I all the time, uh, if there's like an attractive guy, you know, they'll be like, "Oh, isn't he pretty short?" And it's like, "Maybe he is, but does that help you if a guy's short, do you feel better now?" You know?

74:57Well, they do. That's the only way they do. Yeah. But it's not real. See, the thing is when you on someone, unless you're being funny. If you're being funny, I'm all for you. But if when you're when you're just being mean about someone like some football player like he's a He keeps dropping the ball. Like is he really like could you do that job? Come on, man. With a freight train coming at you. He's a He's just not as good as at football as some of the best people. Well, and it so takes away from I'll use feminism for example. When I do have a genuine criticism of someone, you're so rarely I talk about this in my special, but like you're so rarely allowed to voice it cuz it's like, well, you're just jealous. I'm like, or I am in fact doing the correct feminist thing and judging her on merit of what she has done and I dislike it and it has nothing to do with her being beautiful.

75:41I think the the there's obviously issues that women need more equality in in this country. I think the issue with the concept of being a masculinist or even the concept of being a feminist is that everyone automatically thinks you care about that more than you care about genu general humanity. Right? Because you're isolating gender. You're saying I am a feminist. I'm a woman. I support women. I support women's rights and women's values and I support feminism empowering women. When people hear that, they go, "Okay, you like women more than men." But but in fact it what it is is I support the idea that we could be treated equally because men and I love men. I love breaking balls with male comics. I married a dude. I have made out with some hot dudes. Congratulations again. I am actually a gigantic frat boy trapped in a feminist body. Uh but that all we're fighting for is

76:37just to be treated equally and not be made to feel horrific. That's it. I'm not asking for a special treat. No, I get it. I have zero problem with any of it. Of course not. But I my my thought on why people react so strongly to it. I It's not a good sign. I get trust you sign it. It's signing away your life rights. But I think that like when people hear it like they kind of have that feeling like oh she's one of those. Oh, she's a man hater. It's like a It's a It's almost like the word is so heavy that it doesn't necessarily accurately portray the intent or convey the intent. It's fraught with historical weight. And I do think that's changing. But I also believe I it's a word I had never used until like 3 years ago and I picked it cuz I was like, well, this sort of applies. I don't read feminist writings. I don't the idea that as a woman you're constantly being preached to by other

77:32women, like preaching to the choir, right? What it is is I think on a granular level I enjoy having conversations and most men I know are like they're not these oppressive horrible people and we always look to the extreme left or right to prove our point when in actuality there's a whole population of people who think and feel just like you and that's the key is finding those people and communing with them. Well, you're you've always been very promale. You've never had a problem with men, but you you're also you're confident and ambitious. And when you're both of those things and and people hear the word feminist, they go, "Oh, she's one of those." Like, "She's going to be annoying." But you're not. No. But there's that thing. And it it goes back to what we were talking about earlier. It's the fringes. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. It's not like all men. It's these

78:16men that want to sue you because they can't come in. That's actually more of a guy who's just trying to sue people, but like like, okay, straight pride parade. We were talking about this in the phone. Straight pride parade guys, right? Like that kind of The worst those guys. Like just the idea of having that people that say all men, like the kind of feminists that say all men, I'm like you're part of the problem cuz that's just as bad as some guy saying all women are Like you are just as bad for marginalizing anyone. I was hearing this woman talk about sex and she was like, "Women want this and women want," she was on a podcast. "Women want this and women want you to slow down and women want you to be gent." I'm like, "No, no, no, no. Some women some women do some women want to get ravaged. Look, you're talking to a girl who speaks in generalizations for a living.

79:01Like women do this, but because by and large, but that's for jokes for sure. And by and large, most, you know, these things are right because these it's you've proved it over years and years, but I also like sex podcasts are like so not my thing. Well, it's just so crazy to speak for all women. It's like trying to speak for all men. So, if I said men like to be ball gagged, men like to be kicked in the balls, men like to be tied up and pissed on. Men like to sell you their They want you to in Tupperware and send it to them. Well, that's true. Some men like that. That's real. Let me ask you a question. Does that get into that territory where now you're on stage and you and you have to start saying some, not all. Speaking for me personally, I know for me, well, we have this thing where we are we don't look at things granularly and we're like, well, they said all, so they must

79:46mean all and them. Well, for me, it's been a little bit of a ch you're a little Swear it got in my brain. You're going to be fine. Joe, who's your buddy? Joe Rogan. Yeah, don't worry about it. We're going to be fine. I have a dog. It's outside. Cute dog. I keep remembering I have a dog. She's very sweet. You want to talk about her? The little situation? Sure. It's crazy. This little girl was on her way to China. No, no, she's from China. Yeah. Well, they don't import the meat. They They were going to eat her. They were going to eat her. She has a scar around her nose where her mouth was bound. Like, it's all around. It's very sad. I noticed it yesterday. I thought she just cuz she's a white dog. I thought she had like tear marks and then I noticed it went all the way around and then but I also realized that she lets me kiss her on the mouth so she's not weird about that.

80:29I got her less than 24 hours ago. I was I make candy every year for the comedy store Christmas party. I make it for all the employees and it's actually a really difficult thing to hand out because out of uniform I can't remember who works there and who doesn't. Like you know a couple waitresses, right? I remember last year I had my bag of candy. It's this homemade sponge candy. And I went up to this girl and I just said, "Do you work here?" Meaning, if you do, I'm going to give you candy. Right. It was as if I had set her mother on fire. She goes, "No, sweetie. I'm a comic." And I was like, I just walked away. But it's like, but are you? Cuz I don't know who the you are. But also, like, don't be a Yeah. Well, just say no. Just say no. I was just trying to sus out work there. Yeah. So, I brought this candy. I do it every year. And I'm home yesterday. I asked my

81:11husband to get sugar and we didn't have we had like half a thing of sugar cuz he accidentally used all of it making something whatever. So I He is a chef. He knows what he's doing. We had a holiday party but he you know when you say he accidentally used it you saying it like he's inept. Well he didn't know no he didn't realize he had used so much in making this cranberry thing. And he said I thought I had I left you more but I needed more. So I called a friend. I said can I have some of your sugar? She's like why don't you just go to the store at the bottom of the hill and get it? Well I go there and there are these two what are they? uh beagles and they were for adoption and I really want a dog and there was a giant husky that was like your size and I was like maybe I'll have a husky. It was too big and I'm starting to like convince myself like maybe I

81:51have a beagle and the lady was Chinese. She was like we have more dogs in the car. She opened up the car and there was like seven cute little white dogs and I picked up this one and I just started crying. My dog died while I was on tour in Japan. And I never got to say goodbye to Blanch. And I'm just crying and I'm holding this dog and she's white and I was there to buy sugar and it like I do the girl thing where I'm like and she's white and it's sugar and she's sugar and it's cosmic. Cut to me just putting $300 in a cardboard box with no receipt, no paperwork. I gave this Chinese lady my phone number and I have a dog now. Her name is Tofu. So this lady goes to China and brings them back. Yep. Wow. That's heavy. And they were all like scheduled. It's a good move to go by Laurel Canyon. You know, you think that's so so many LA people that love dogs are in that area.

82:36So many people and it must work because she wouldn't set up shop. LA is a good spot for dogs. You could have dogs here, you know? Like everybody has a dog. You know what's really weirdly not a dog friendly city is New York. Yeah. Well, it sucks. I mean, unless you live right next to Central Park, I mean, to have a dog there. If you're in a apartment, you're in a seventh floor walk up and your dog's got to take a Jesus Christ. You got to walk down seven flights of stairs, take this dog out. Yeah. And then the dogs like sniff and like, "Hey, face. Take your already." And there's so much garbage. My dog one time found all the pieces to a full Thanksgiving dinner. Oh my god. On the streets. There's so much garbage. New York gets gets weird. And then you have to pick the up, too. You know, I saw there was a bunch of people in Brooklyn that got mad cuz they have this

83:19uh they have these trees and then they have the trees sort of fenced in and then people were taking their dog, putting it over the fence, letting the dog and then picking it up. They were putting signs up there. They took pictures of these people and put signs up and like this is not a toilet. Meanwhile, all of them throw their cigarette butts in the street. A lot of them do. I lived in Brooklyn for 7 weeks this year cuz I was shooting my show and I was appalled. You think of New Yorkers as this intelligent race and they're all just throw cigarette smokers almost universally do that. It's Where do you And I I just went on a rant about this recently. Where do you think that's going? Mhm. Think about it. My friend John actually I confronted him about that. He's like, "Ah, somebody gets paid to pick that up." Nope. I did it to a comedy store worker the other day. He threw it. I go, "What

84:01are you doing? You be better." And he picked it up. You have to shame someone so that they remember. People I love and respect do that in the back parking lot of the comedy store. I'm like, "What are you doing, man? You're littering? Are you You got to say something." They don't think of it as littering. There's something weird. But like, but think of it, right? Think of it. Why do you think they don't think of it as littering? Because it's always been done. And they think someone's sweeping it up. It's not only are these cars just going in our oceans and in our fish, these could set fires. It's just overall health. And also, don't be a piece of Don't throw things on the ground. Yeah. Not even food. Like, we all think you throw an apple core out, it's okay. It isn't. That attracts animals. It doesn't like to parts where it shouldn't be like on a road. Driving by a wooded area.

84:42Throw in the wooded area. But people just throw trash out. Nobody considers realize that like this is your community and this is your home. Yeah. And it I won't even drink out of plastic. Yeah. And the cigarette thing is one of the weirder ones because I I always felt like maybe it's because they're they're treating themselves like Yeah. Here's a question. You're driving down the road with your window open smoking a cigarette. So, you know that the smoke needs to you know the smoke is bad because you're letting it escape. Why not just roll up your window and smoke it in your car and kill yourself quietly? Why do you have to have it open? Or smokers that stand in the doorway? I'm like, it's not any warmer near the doorway if you're smoking outside. You're just making it so that we all have to smell like cigarettes leaving the building. Yeah. They don't give a about that

85:24smell. That smells weird because the smell of pipes is actually nice. Tobacco's Yeah. Like someone has a night like the smell of cigars. I like the smell of cigars. It smells good to me. The smell of cigarettes is always shitty. And it I don't know why we can't put perfume doesn't last. Cigarette smoke lasts for days. And I want that in a clothes. It gets in your clothes like nothing else. What if you Yeah. Isn't there like something pretty you could burn? Just like wave it around your body. Some sage type deal to do what? To get a good smell like instead of perfume. Yeah. Just wave it over your cooter. Put on your feet. So my vagina burns. Just No. No. No. Like get smoke everywhere. All What if you did PooPourri? That stuff that you spray. What if you did that on your body and then walk through a cigarette? Would it deflect? Who would win? Who would win? The bad smell or the good smell?

86:14Who will represent us in a science off? I walked by this lady the other day. I had to stop because I was tying my shoe and this lady her perfume was so strong. I literally wanted to stop tying my shoe and move away from her. You know, some people just go ham with the perfume. Yeah. Like I know that's not what you smell like. I find it more often is with cologne. Oh yeah. And I'm just like, "Oh, it's gross." Yeah, it is gross cuz it triggers something. You're like, "This feels cheap. This feels like I'm 20 in a shitty bar." Yeah. When I see a dude doing a cologne commercial, I'm always like, "Do you wear that stuff, man?" No. Hey Brad Pitt, you really wearing cologne? He doesn't have to. Does he do cologne commercials? Probably in like Japan. Probably does, right? Yeah. Like Julie Roberts has that one hilar weird European one where she's got her hands tied to like marionette strings.

86:56Well, that was a thing back in the day on TV. Dam pulls on the outside or right in front of you over here too. But the weird thing is back in the day like actors would never do commercials because if you did a commercial, we all knew even people that were non- actors at the end. Yeah. There was something wrong. go over somewhere, right? I mean, wouldn't you here's a million dollars just say that you like this beverage? it. No one's going to see it. Now everyone sees everything. Yeah. But back in the day, like we'd find out that like, oh, Julia Roberts does big time commercials in Japan. You'd be like, what? Here's the thing. There will be no Day of Reckoning. Like I always think about this with acting. You make a shitty movie, seldom is anyone ever in an interview going to be like, "Remember that piece of you made?" Like you never have to atone uh in person for a

87:42bad film choice because no one would have the balls to on you for trying to make money and make a living. There he is. Chanel, there you are. I remember that commercial. That is so preposterous. If I was Brad's friend, I'd play that every time I went over his house. I I'd walk in with a boom box. I' I'd have him if he came over my house, he'd be on every television and I'd go, "Tell me when he's at the door. Tell me when he's at the door." Ready? Go. Play. That's Peak Pit right there, too. Look at the hair. Legends of the fall hair. Yeah, that's it. That's the man who lives in the woods hair. Look at him. Hey, how you doing? He's a beautiful man. Beautiful. Not as beautiful as Jay's Mamoa. Oh my god. I was on set with this actor named Ryan Hansen who's in like Veronica Mars and he's really and we he was just we were talking about like would you rather and

88:27we were just playing this game and he was like who's your celebrity pass? I'm like no one. It will wreck your marriage. But I just said I thought Jason Momo was hot and he just goes oh he would treat you right. But then when the time came, he would lay it down. And I was like, "Yeah, put that velvet scrunchie on me into it." Okay. So many different kinds of hot. Weird that that dude is describing how another guy's going to you, though. A little weird. It's cool. It was cool. Okay. We were having lunch. Uh he's just hot. Handsome fella. Giant guy, too. Really nice guy. And that scar is from a bar fight. Is it so manly? Yeah. It's not like painted on. It's legit. He could have lost an eye. Could have. But he didn't. Yeah. He's okay. Right. Like old Frisetta paintings of Conan when he had this big scar across his forehead cut into his eyebrows. I feel like you would want that.

89:15Like you would want a face scar, right? Uh if I probably kept fighting, I definitely would have got one. I would have got some if I just kept fighting. Yeah, I don't want a face. I got a small one. Uh do you? What happened? An Alaskan malamute bit me on the face on Thanksgiving. Those are weird ones. Those malamutes bite people in the face. I will be honest. I was taunting the dog. I was like eight and it got it revenge. I hear about German shepherds biting people in the face, too. I love a German Shepherd, though. Oh, too. I've never had one, but I respect it. They're great dogs. They're beautiful dogs. Yeah, they're smart. And a Belgian Malininoa as well. Oh, those are real smart. The movie I just did, I had to do like a little half day of training with a Malininoa for this scene. And I had to like hold its collar before I let it go. And that dog pulled me. strong.

90:01No joke. Have you ever seen some of the videos where they jump up like these preposterous heights to grab things like a vertical? Yeah. Like 20 ft straight up in the air. They jump off people's shoulders and straight up in the air. It's I don't know where they get the propulsion. They're just ridiculously powerful athletic dogs that are designed to attack people. Yeah. That's what my uh Tofu is going to be. Yeah. I mean, they're Yeah, I think so. She's got it in her. She's vicious. Yeah. For 5 lbs, she'll you up. But those um malam mois and German shepherds, they need work. One of the things that people do, they make a big mistake is they get a dog like that and they don't do anything with it. That's a working dog. Like if I had a dog like that, I'd take it with me all over the place. I would run it every day. I would throw a ball with it. You got to give him active things to do.

90:43It's German. It loves precision and productivity. Well, it's a guard dog. Yeah. You know, it's it's B. Look at that. Look at that dog. I mean, what in the That dog can fly. Dog can be in the NBA. And then how about how the dog lands on this this lands on a cushion thing, but they know how far it's going to go. Like that is an insane amount of athleticism. If that was a human, I mean that we're watching a dog combine. Yeah. It's like the Hulk. That would be like the leaping through the air like the Hulk. It's always hard for me at the airport when I see like a like a drug sniffing working dog, but it's like a yellow lab. I'm like, really? I can't pet the yellow lab. I don't I don't. You could ruin the dog. I don't want to ruin the dog and his chances at retirement. You could ruin it. I'm not going to. Yeah, those drugs drugstiffing dogs make me nervous because I'm like,

91:30what are they looking for? That's the truth. But you can only teach a dog to look for one thing, you know? You can't say, hey, I want the truth. You can't teach a dog, hey, I want you to look for guns and coke. Right. It's like residue or Right. Right. Do you smell gunpowder? Do you smell marijuana? Like what do you smell? Like what do you what do you train you train the dog to smell heroin? Go find mushrooms. Bring them back. Right. Find them. Find them you little Yeah, definitely the heroin because I think you can make more things out of that. Uh well it's one that kills you. That's one of the reasons why they should look out for heroin. Fentinel. If they could smell fentinel that would be nice. They can smell anything. But I feel like fentinyl is it's more local. Oh, actually no. I don't know what I'm talking about. I feel like with prescription drugs like that's more like

92:13it ravages a community. And I don't when I think of like airplanes I think like weight being pushed through from other count but I don't know I think it's all things meth. It's everything. It's the really up part about it is it's almost like what we were talking about with football that football be safer if there was no helmets. It doesn't make sense. And drugs would be safer if they be safer if they were legal. I feel that way about prostitution. Yeah. And I'm going to actually broach this here. I was going to write a joke about I'm just going to say it. I believe a state issued if you apply for funding uh for support if you're going to school like a loan or the state's paying for you to go to school, you get a scholarship. You should also be able to apply for a stateisssued prostitute. If you are a little socially awkward, maybe you haven't had sex because men get

92:56weird if they haven't been made privy to the way a woman is or they haven't had sex and you're going to college. Let's get you a prostitute. Let's get you having sex twice a week so you you're not afraid of women. Let's get you a little less weird. Let's fund a prostitute. Well, I think if it didn't have the social stigma behind it, there's a lot of people that would choose it over working at Wendy's. Great. There's a lot of people that choose it. But we have a choice. The social stigma is that there's something wrong with it, right? Because it's a woman saying, "I want to do this with my body." That's what's upsetting that. It's sort of that. But it's also Well, in this country, it's also connected to sex slavery. We think of it as like if someone is doing that then maybe maybe they're a sex slave like maybe they're someone who's I think that's less on people's radars

93:41and it more has to do with the puritanical idea of there's a little bit of that but I mean that was one of the things that they were accusing Robert Craft of you remember Robert Craft who's the guy who owns the Croft or Craft it's Craft right he's the guy who owned the New England Patriots he went to a massage parlor and they gave him a happy ending and then the next thing you know that you know they arrested him and told him that there's a video of it they were you They're trying to get him to plead guilty and all this all this different that was going on to a guy who's like insanely insanely wealthy who just was going there to get jerked off. But one of the things they said was that it was uh that he was participating somehow in sex trafficking. And so they were accusing him of that. They were that was a big part of what the police were saying. Well, it turned out that none of the

94:23girls that worked there were sex traffickers. They're just prostitutes. And the woman that did it to him, she was like 40 years old. None of this would have happened if it was legal. It was legal. But it's also they they were using that term to they were accusing him of this thing and using that term like to to brand him. Wait, are you telling me that shame? There was a news story where they used a buzzword. Yes. Yeah, it is a buzz word. But it's a buzzword that's it's very specific in terms of like the difference in the consequences that you would want someone to face whether they just went there to get jerked off or they participated in sex lab slavery, right? You're not a part of a ring. I mean you are cuz the ring ends with you. So because there's a demand for it, there is a supply. So that is by and large a part of the issue. Um and I say this not knowing a ton about sex

95:11slavery, but I do know that if you take away the stigma and you can normalize things very quickly. Weed is a great example, right? Yeah. You could do that and even we've done this with women and bodies and the way that we look at people who are overweight and we look at people with different things like we are getting to a place where it's less of a thing. I think you could do that with prostitution. I think so too. And and it's fine. And look at it as like this is her choice. And if there if there wasn't an exception exorbitant demand for it, it wouldn't be a thing. Yeah. It's just you you can't tell people what to do with their bodies any other way except when money's involved. That's where I have a problem with it. Except when taxes are involved. Yeah. But it's it's it's not even that. It's it's it's a societal position, right? Like if we're going to vote on

95:53it, most people would vote on no prostitution because they don't want their daughter or their sister, their mother to be a prostitute. That's that's or or them. They don't want to be a prostitute. That's why they would vote on it. But that's the only thing that's completely legal to do. Like not only that, but it's what sells everything. When Brad Pit is selling cologne, he's selling I'm a hot man. If you if you get my cologne, you might get some I'm looking right at that mouth. Yes. Look at him. It's beautiful. But that is the thing that is is up about all this. Like a woman can have sex with as many people as she wants for free, but if she charges, then all a sudden it's But but you can charge for a back rub. Like what the Like why is it? You're like I'm getting off either way. But it doesn't just doesn't make any sense. It's I agree with you. It's silly. It's restrictive

96:42when it comes to the idea of a woman taking control of her own body, no taxes being paid, uh, and the idea of someone being a because of our puritanical roots in this country. All those things combined make it a volatile topic. But at the end of the day, if she's going to make money that's going to go back into your society, that's going to be put to good use, it's going to be taxed, it's going to be in your community, what do you care what she's doing behind closed doors if it's safe and it's regulated? Just like weed, all of a sudden there's standards now. There's a way to uh sanitize this. Yeah, I think so. And they did it in Australia. They did it in Nevada. Yeah. Parts of it. Parts of it. Right. Um but in Australia, they have I mean, it's fullon there. You can do whatever you want. They have they have brothel. But I think it's also one of the things that we're conditioned to have a

97:28perspective on it similar to the drug issue. Like I don't want my friends or my daughters or my mother or anyone I know to be a prostitute. So, we have this like this position on it. I also don't want them to do coke, but I don't think coke should be illegal. I don't think anybody should be able to lock you in a cage cuz you want to get coked up. Imagine if it were legal, how many less people would be dying just in a drug trade. Yes. And how many more people would be aware of how much you can do because you'd get actual coke. With a lot of the you're getting is being cut because you're getting it you're buying it from people that aren't companies, right? If you're going to buy something from Nabiscoco, if Nabiscoco was selling Coke, put the ingredients on it. It would be 100% Coke. You'd be able to get real Coke. Real coke. Nabiscoco flavored cocaine.

98:14Moreover, I mean, look in Europe the way that they are with alcohol. Like Italy, for example, kids have wine when they're little. And sure, there's alcoholics there, but it's less of like a rumer freak out when you are able to do something. That's a great way to put it, a rumrer freak out. That what she's talking about, if you don't know, is the Amish have a thing. It's when they turn like 18, right? They get to go ham. They get to do whatever they want. They could watch TV. They could drink and smoke, pot, and And they go crazy for a short period of time. And then at the end of that time, they can either leave the church forever or come back. And most of them come back, right? Because it's all you know. Also, you're probably so hung over like Jesus Christ. Someone make me some oat cakes. Get me back to cutting logs. Real workout. it. Yeah, but it's that's the

99:00truth. What you're saying is the truth. Like when you repress people, that's when they want to do things really badly. Oh, for everything. And we have this obsession as humans with regulating other people's bodies, minds, everything, with religion, with laws. Some of them are put in place to make sure we don't accidentally kill ourselves. But by that same token, if you are dumb, like we always have signs like don't touch a live wire. Let them touch it. If you're dumb enough to do it, well, you should know. You should have a sign that says don't touch a live wire because it can kill you. Now, if you read that sign, you still touch the live wire. That's nature doing its thing. No, that's what that becomes if you survive is you suing the state. Well, the sign wasn't big enough. Well, that's a problem. That's a big problem. Yeah, people sue. We're very sue happy in this country.

99:43Other countries, something happens to you, you break a leg on a city bus, your leg's just broken. That's it. It's not someone else's problem. Yeah. Other countries don't even think about suing people over the that people sue for in America. It's a weird game, but it's also, you know, it's there to protect you. It's there to protect you. I think a lot just in discussions with my husband about like food safety and in this country, everything is so sanitized. Uh this like anodine food system we have where everything is wrapped in plastic and refrigerated and it's all there so that a health and safety inspector can say this is okay. You go to Europe, food is just out and people are fine. Because companies I think it has to do with health and safety of course, but also liability. So much of our regulations and rules are really put in place for liability issues. Making sure

100:28that somebody doesn't get sued versus your genuine concern for your safety. Um because we're so able to just It's good and bad living in America. You can sue if you feel you've been slighted, but you can sue not to really make a point, just to make some money. Yeah. Yeah. It's not perfect. It's not a perfect system. It's also super complicated. There's so many different rules and regulations and laws and things on the books and it's just if we if we made if we made three top rules right now. We'll do four. I'll do one. Don't be a C. You're going to say C. Is it the C word? I don't like the word. You don't like it? You say it. I don't care. You don't say it. How about Can I say Yeah. You're going to sound really old. Who says that? Everybody. Everybody. Kids are saying it again. It's like lit. It's back. Yeah, it's back. Lit. You know what else is fresh?

101:16Fresh to death. Fine. Like that's fresh. That's coming back. Fine. Someone's fine. He's fine. That's coming back. Guys don't use it, though. You know what? Never Guys don't say that girl's fine. No. Have you ever heard that? No. Right. Not since like 2001. Yeah. Guys, I think it was the '8s. Guys, stop. Never went away is cool. Yeah. Right. Cool's always been cool. But now I feel like cool is more like when something sucks, you're like cool. Like it's a sarcastic cool. But like shoes can be cool. Nah. People still use it the right way. Dope. I I'm partial to dope. I love dope. When I'm like into it, I'm like that's dope. Dope. Lit has come back very strong. I like lit. My 11-year-old use lit all the time. Say lit. It's lit, Dad. Dad. Say Have you heard zatty? Zatty? A friend of mine. Is that a zir's daddy? It's a non-gender binary. No, NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S NOT. IT'S A IT'S like a thing

102:04that girls say. It's like, what is it? It's like a like a young daddy. Like, it's like a hot term of endearment, right? It's something daddy. Okay. Z A It's like a thing. It's like a hot dad. They learned it on TikTok. I don't know. Oh, learn on top. I think it's a hot dog. Probably a hot dog. Was it Jamie? The urban dictionary guy is attractive and fashionable. That's what it is. With swag and sex appeal. Interesting. So, yeah. I So, I was using a sentence you might say. I'm sorry. Did you see that guy at the mall? He was a total zatty. And then we'd be like, "What's a mall?" That's from 2017, but I think it's already dead. I think that turns dead. There's a rap song. I think it died. Oh, turn that off. Shut it. Shut it down. By the rice. Good lord. rap song out of your hair. You want to leave? Is that what you're saying? I can stay. You can stay. Let's stay. Let's talk for

102:51a little while. Okay. Okay. What were we just talking about before that? Before we got into Oh, I was saying we should make some rules, right? Yeah. You were saying don't be a You don't like that word. I just I I don't use it. I don't care who is good. never went away. It just didn't get that popular. It's sort of like um it came like an alpha Romeo. It's like a fringe. Totally. You know what I'm saying? a totally fringe fringe car. It's not something people talk about regularly. Uh I I'm all for like a brutal It's always funny when someone's peppers in like a brutal term for vagina. Like but it's not a vagina term when you say Like let's for first of all for my friends that live in Australia like my my friend Adam Greenree say he throws that thing around like it's a beach ball. It's actually a good adjustment for them. They come in England too. They come here and we're

103:38like dude like bloody hell. Like we don't say that and that's a thing there. So, New Zealand, they have that, too. Style Bender has a t-shirt that says uh something about good It says just says good Were you on the show the other night in the main room? There's a kid sitting in the front row. His shirt in big bold letters just said Hitler. Oh, boy. And I was like going out on a limb. I hope it's not an ironic t-shirt. And I was like, you're obviously not Jewish. He's like, I'm not. And I'm like, you just this is how strongly you feel. And I what I agree with the sentiment. I would never wear a shirt that said on it. And I was like, it's just so jarring to read that big that the rest of the sentiment for me evaporates. Yeah. I just think putting curse words on your shirt is just so aggressive. It's definitely aggressive. I saw a guy with a t-shirt on in Vegas that said I'm

104:24with Trump, the rest. And the uh the U and the C had been turned into asterisks. So you had to figure out what it said. So, like you saw flick the wrist. You saw the K and you saw the F, but what could it mean? What's missing? I I was looking at that shirt. I'm like, what in the So, Las Vegas. Oh my god. I those shirts and shirts that I remember like there was like this ironic t-shirt craze for a very long time that would be like it would say and only dorks wore them. would say stuff like the voices in my head tell me what to do or like uh like sarcasm department like I'm a cool nerd. You know what that shirt means? You got ripped off and you bought that stupid t-shirt. That's all it means. It means you're the type of knucklehead that buys a self-defining t-shirt. Like this is my ethos. This is who I am. How dare you? How dare you? What am I wearing? What's on this?

105:24What are you wearing? A regular shirt. Oh, I got an aggressive shirt on. Oh, what is it? It might even have an F-word on it. Oh my god. It's a skull with a with a Oh, it says camouflage hat. What does it say at the top? It says, "Marines never die. They just go to hell to get what is it? They just go to to hell to regroup." Okay. It's a vint I love vintage military shirts. So, is that like a legit vintage shirt? Like somebody made it in the 80s and it survived in someone's basement. They brought it to the It's a It's a term I've heard like they never die. They just go to hell whatever. And I've had the shirt for a very long time and I got it from a vintage store. I had a friend of mine that I used to work with in uh construction. He had a t-shirt or a tattoo rather that said uh death before dishonor and some guy came up to me, were you in the service? He

106:10goes, "No, I just always liked it." Like, "Oh, all right." I saw somebody, some of the guy on the set the other day was wearing it and I gave him so much He's just some dude. I'm like, "Do you know what it says?" Yeah, I just liked it. I'm like, "What does it mean to you?" He's like, "It's just a shirt. My wife picked it out. I'm like, it's just such an aggressive statement. Mhm. And you're And you're mad at him. I wasn't mad. You were a little mad. I asked him. Sound like you're mad. What is this? What is this? Gaslighting. Gaslighting. I'm just saying. That's a great term. I love that term. I love a good gaslighting. Gaslighting is weird. Here it goes. First definition. A WOMAN'S GENITALS. THAT'S THE SECOND ONE. A person regarded as stupid or obnoxious is number one. A woman's genitals. I mean, who says sticking in my Like during sex? That would be that would be a nightmare.

106:56That would be cuz you what's after that? Like where do you go from there if that's what you open with? When a girl says put it in my it's got to be jarring. Like woof. Yeah. I'd be like why am I having jarring? Like what is what are you saying? Why are you saying it like that? Even Even like is so aggressive and sometimes you have to, but you can't say penis, right? Yeah. Putting your penis in me. Yeah. Yeah. Right. I used to do a bit about the word It sounds like it's wearing a sombrero and carrying a gun. Because it's just like it sounds manly. The word is a manly word like penis. It's too it's too soft. It's penis. You know it's like can I get you my penis? Can I put my penis in in your sl? Yeah. It's like what do you think of my penis? What what do you think of my penis? I like it like my penis. Penis. Like my penis. It's just like also vagina like a girl says my vagina we

107:55think of my it's too clinical. It is but it's okay because it's like you could have like you could a girl can say that. I think I think writing I think sending a girl a dickpick and I know I'm opening a floodgate with this but try not to be an animal about it folks. If you send a girl a an unrequited dickpick and you just write what do you think about my penis? She's going to have such a mixed bag of emotions. No one gets more dickpicks than Whitney. told her that she needs to write like a book and publish all these just blur out everybody's face and publish all these dick pics she shares us no leave the dicks she shares them to us in this group text that I'm in with her she'll like it's me and Delia and Schwarzen and she'll she'll send us these pictures these guys send her and we're all like you got to write a book like this is so you got to write a book have you seen so many

108:42there's an app that blurs out part of the picture to make it look like your dick has been blurred out oh awesome I'll get makes it look like your dick's hanging out. Like if you're just in sitting there and then it'll just put a blurry thing next to your leg. Did you see that one dude that they took down his photo on Instagram and all he was doing he was wearing shorts? Just a really muscular gentleman with a large hog and he was wearing shorts and they were like like boxer briefs and his dick was so big that you could see it in in the boxer briefs. So Instagram took down his photo. No, that's not cool. A dick in briefs. As per restriction, it is shrouded and it should be it should stand. Shrouded. Good way to put it. Yeah. And it should stand. You are on point with the vocabulary in this podcast. Talking about the famous Jason Derillo. Yes. Wait, I'm taking my hat off. Did you see it?

109:31I didn't see this. No, I just like Googled it. It's real recent. And dude, the guy's got a big hog. He's a very well-built gentleman uh all around. Very muscular and handsome with a large hog. Put Put the photo up. Put the photo up right now. Eliza can drool over this. So, look at this. Look at this gentleman. First of all, very What does this guy do? He's a singer dancer. He's gonna be in the new cats. That's what he does. He's gonna be in the new cats. How the is a guy that manly in the That doesn't make sense. But anyway, you can't You can see by the outline of the hog. Oh my god. Yeah, it's quite a hog. Look at that. But you know what? It's not terribly You got to look for it. It's not terribly prominent. Look for it. It's not should have had that taken down. What is he going to do? He's You got a problem because he's got a big dick. Is that really what's getting it taken down?

110:14Who complained? Some He should put it back and just blur it out. Did he put it back? Did he blur it? I don't know. I could He should just put it back the way it is. Really? No, it's fine. He should protest it. He should. It's nonsense. I got no problem with that. The guy's shredded with a large hog. Congratulations, sir. Shredded with a large hog. Yeah, he's shredded with a large hog. It's the American dream. It is the American dream. He's You're on the American dream. Instagram. You're unamerican if you don't like a shrouded hog. He did cover it up. What did he do? Pixelated it. He put a big cat. He put another dick over it. He cut out another He put a Subway there. Is this better? That's way better. He put a Subway sandwich there. That's hilarious. Yeah. I don't He should be congratulated on his physique as well. That's some long hours in the gym right there.

111:02That is some highweight, low rep commitment. 100%. That That dude is That dude is working out. Yeah, dude's working out. That's he's doing and chilling his hog. What is the problem, folks? Is that why we're scared of hogs behind cloth? Also, who says social media has to be a bastion of purity? Yeah, right. Twitter's not garbage wasteland. I love Twitter for that. Twitter shows all kinds of and sucking and chaos. Maybe because Facebook owns it. I don't know. Uh, probably. Yeah. I think they just don't want porn on it. They don't want porn and and most like really violent images are are hidden like you have to click on it. I'm okay with that cuz I follow a lot of like nature accounts and maybe today I don't want to see a baby seal club you know and it's good to know that those images are there so it's present in your mind but define porn. Is that porn and and if no guy's not porn

111:55where where do we draw the line here? Twitter would have no problem with that. Twitter keeps up most things. In fact they took down when Tim Dylan did that Megan McCain spoof when have you ever seen that? Mm- one of the best things on the internet. Tim Dylan as Megan McCain. Do you know Tim? You don't know Tim Dylan? Oh my god, he's hilarious. He's a big heavy gay guy who does the best Megan McCain impression of all time. He's a hilarious comic, but you you can't put a label on this guy. He's brilliant and he's so funny. Pull pull it up for Eliza. Look at it. Bring it to the beginning. Bring it to the beginning. Give me some volume. Um, what's going on here? I know there's a sound. What's holding on here? Moment. Moments away. We're moments away. Oh, no. There's a sound. Is it on mute? I think what is happening? No, it's not. I mean, I get the joke. No, no, no, no. I need to get it.

112:52He goes hard in the paint. See if you can sort that out. Jamie will sort it out. Anyway, um I But but anyway, Instagram took this down. this video. You can only get it on YouTube and on Twitter now. Twitter left it up. Twitter leaves up everything. I think two of the highest forms of comedy are people falling and men dressed as women. Oh yeah, it's never not funny. Here it goes. But bring it from the beginning. But here's the thing. Megan McCain blocked him on Twitter. Well, I wouldn't love that either. She did? Yes, she did. Okay. Yeah. They've uh asked someone from Megan has asked to be be on this podcast and I would have her on with Tim in a heartbeat. Before my father died, I had a baby with him and we're going to it will be raised in captivity. It'll be raised privately to be the greatest politician THAT HAS EVER LIVED. My name is Megan McCain and I'm

113:42on a news show called The View. And Donald Trump, that riverboat casino captain, is talking about my father again. MY FATHER WAS TORTURED FOR 100 years for this country. And he came back and he started seven wars BECAUSE HE'S A GENTLEMAN. YOU, TRUMP. I'm going to wear my father's skin mask and I'm going to primary TRUMP FROM THE RIGHT. COME ON THE VIEW, If you're that tough, COME ON THE VIEW. YOU WANT ANOTHER SON TO GET A COSTUME? YOU WANT THIS YOU WANT TO THESE TITS, TRUMP? YOU WANT TO THESE TITS? NO, YOU DON'T. YOU WANT TO SUCK BUT I WON'T YOU BECAUSE THE ONLY PERSON I'LL IS DIRTY. I'LL HIS CORPSE. I'LL DANNY'S CORPSE. WOW. riverboat casino captain. He's genius. He's an animal. Funny and a good dude, too. Really, really good dude. Um, what was my point? Oh, Twitter had no problem with that. What about freedom of speech? Yeah, what about freedom of speech?

114:41That's funny. He's being funny. Come on. He's not inciting a riot. He's not calling for anyone. Is it her favorite thing ever? No. But where do you draw the line then? Listen, it's not her. He's making fun of her saying things she never said. It's funny. That's all it is. It's funny. But also it's like if you're going to get that taken like where where is that line? And no one can laugh at anything now, right? I I completely agree. And who's deciding? Unfunny people. Exactly. Unfunny people are in charge of comedy in in in studios, in meetings, in pitches, in comedy clubs, in audiences. And the fate of your career rests on in the hands of someone who is not qualified to handle comedy. Not only that, the hands of someone who wants to let everyone know they're woke. Let everyone know they're adhering to progressive ideology. Let everyone know they're upholding these community

115:28standards they all decide are important inclusivity. And I was reading about this girl who got fired from a show. They didn't bring her back because uh she she said she she had all these requests for people being cast on the show. She wanted an interracial couple. She wanted a gay character. She wanted all these things and they didn't do it. They got rid of her and she was complaining that they got that they they they're not in favor of inclusivity. Imagine if you wrote a show. Just imagine if you're a writer. You wrote a show. You got this show. You got this idea. I'm going to do a a shop, a coffee shop, and these people work there and have them interact with customers, some crazy stuff. I have it all written out. And someone who you cast, you say, "Okay, you're going to be Thelma. You're going to be the waitress." She's like, "Yes, I like that. Yes. Okay." And you get she gets

116:15the part. Then she's like, "I need you to have a transgender couple." She was the actress, not the writer. No, not the writer. I want you to have an interracial couple. I want you to have I want this to be inclusive. Inclusive. And they're like, "What is this lady doing? Are you writing the show? Are you an actor?" Now, the I I'm all for all of these things. I think sometimes what we have to be afraid of is tokenism. You want it always to be an organic story. And we do have a problem with not populating our worlds with enough variety because white people see white things and people see things a certain way. You never want the tokenism. Like I never want to think I'm somewhere just because I'm a girl. I want to be there, you know? Uh but it's tough because where do you draw that line? For my sketch show, which comes out in the spring, uh for my sket for my

116:56writers, I wanted a diverse writing team because I wanted to make sure that my that we were in not so inclusive, but also that we were making a smart show that wasn't just from one different perspectives, but you also wanted quality. Like you wouldn't sacrifice quality just to get a demographic. No. And so what I did was because to me this was an infallible way to do it. I had all the writer packets cuz people submit writing packets and samples. I had their names taken off of it so that when I read your packet, I was reading it and I could only base my opinion on the content of the comedy. Good idea. I ended up WITH THREE JEWS. BUT but it really we had 28 submissions and there were some we liked, some we didn't. you know, we narrowed it down, but I never knew what the person's name was or what they looked like until I said, "I like it." And we scheduled a meeting.

117:41Good for you. That's smart. That's a great way to do it. That's that's a meritocracy. That's what you really want. You know, and the thing about this inclusivity, it's like, yes, you you want a world where everyone gets a chance, but you don't want equality of outcome. It doesn't work that way. What you want is people to rise to the top. And when you're dealing with like mathematics, you're going to get a lot of European Jews, right? You're going to get a lot of Asian people. Why? because they've they've studied that like pretty extensively in their countries and it's been a part of their heritage for a long time. It doesn't mean that like you're you're being discriminatory against Italian-Americans. It just it means like these are the people for whatever reason that are more invested in that particular way of thinking and you we can begin to create opportunities and ways into things so

118:24that in 20 years maybe it is oh everybody goes to see uh whatever ethnicity of doctor. We can create these opportunities. Yes. But nobody wants to sacrifice performance just for that. But that's why go out of your way to include someone, but it can't be ac. Yeah. Yeah. 100%. We what we want to concentrate on is having people have the equality of opportunity to explore different things that they want to do and that should be there and there should be programs created and sometimes it does you do have to say well we need to take x amount of this many types of people to create that. But if you're given the chance and you do well, you're even that much of more of a hidden gem. I always say this with when girls I I I see like a lot of girls get upset like and I can't get on this show and I can't do this and that, but when you do get on a lineup and you crush, you're

119:15the one everyone's going to talk about. So when you're given this opportunity to nail it, like it might be hard getting in there, but when you have that chance, you can't use things as a stepping stone woman and as a crutch the next. So, just know that like if you're the only girl in a lineup, for example, and I'm speaking from a world that I live in, not for anything else, and you up, people are going to think all women are like that because you were the sample. Yeah. I would prefer them to not think about at all. Just think about being the best that they can be. No, don't concentrate on your gender at all. Don't. But I think it's something that's always brought up and put in our faces. So if you have to just know that if and when you do succeed and you are good or just as good, people will remember how great you were and you will shine more than just like the other average dude,

119:55the 12 dudes that were on there. Well, I think that's one of the good things about comedy communities is that when people are good, they get respect. They get respect. It is merit-based. Like I said, there's no brilliant comic out there not getting any credit. Yeah. Whether it's Ali Wong crushing or you or you know name the woman Whitney name a woman who's good when they're killing they're killing because they're a great comic and everybody gives them props. It's not this thing where like the men are versus by way to do the men but to say the guy thing if you are a mediocre like male comic especially now you're not going anywhere because there's so many people doing comedy and the odds are so against you. You've got to bring it and that gets rewarded. Yeah, for sure. We've all had to up our games because it's just so much. It's so popular now. Yeah. It's exciting though. It's

120:39I love the competition. It's a great time for all of us. It really is. It's just the comics are more in control. You can make more comedy. There are more opportunities. When I started in Comedy LA, nobody paid you for spots. And now you get paid. The comedy started, but like small shows, nobody gave you money. There weren't that many. I remember I had to run one there. There's so much more out there. So, you've got to go and carve that out for yourself because it's definitely there for the taking. Yeah. It would be interesting if there was a service that let people figure out like how to start off as an open micer like uh like an LA based service like that if you pay like five bucks a month, they'll give you a newsletter that shows you where all the different spots are and Yeah. Or it should be a little harder or figure it out on your Yeah. Or figure it out and then once you

121:26figured it out, you got it. And or it's your friends. Ask bars around. There are shows. My husband always jokes cuz we pass a Baja Fresh. I'm like, I did a spot there once. Like an abandoned CVS, I did a spot there. Like there are shows. Comedy is going on everywhere. A lot of coffee shops, right? Yeah. I went to see a poetry slam once. Do you ever see a poetry slam? It's so weird. It's so weird. They take it so seriously. They take it so seriously. It's one of the most pretentious forms of entertainment that's ever been created. Well, that like staccato speaking like and doesn't mean you can't be good. Doesn't mean you can't be good at it. But in terms of overall pretentious level, it's probably the the highest percentage ever. Yes. You hear people that are saying that you should do that now. You should wave jazz hands because some folks have a real problem with loud

122:12noises and if you clap when you like something, it hurts their ears. Got to be kinder, more gentle. I have noticed younger people snap, which I think I did a college gig five years ago and I was like, "Okay, it's not it doesn't feel as validating as a Royals of Applause, but that's like from the 50s do jazz clubs." Yeah. Yeah, man. Good job, man. It's very It's cool. And when girls do it, I'm like, "Yeah, I'm cool. I'm young, cool girl, too. I'm young and cool." It's like It's also a competition. How loud can your snap be? Is it based on skin thickness? I don't know what it's based on. Yeah, cuz your hands are thicker than mine and I have little cricket snips. Someone's listening to this just loading a shotgun. Angry. Angry. What the are you snapping in my ears for? At a Swedish plate shop. Yeah, there's different kinds of snaps, too, right? Isn't there one like you can

122:59go across like the top of your thumb with like your second finger instead of this? Is like It's like a dude thing. Like how dudes have like different whistles or what's this thing where you Yeah, that's the one they do. What is that? I'm afraid I'm going to What is that supposed to be? Like honestly, I don't think everyone's doing it, but it's it imitates packing a dip. Like the dip can sort of or tip. Yeah, that's because that's exactly what it looks like. My fingers don't make noise that way. My fingers don't make noise that way. Mine neither. They make noise that way. Ligament on ligament. Make noise that way that good. I probably not doing it good. Things to remember arm farts. Those were huge when you were a kid. Mhm. Make arm farts. Everybody figures that out. My kids figured it out. They thought they were so smart. I'm like, "Bitch, I've been doing that forever."

123:46You're just You're trapping oxygen or this like Yeah. Hand farts. Yeah. It's just a dry Yeah. Old people. Old people. People that can get that whistle that's so ear piercing without doing anything though. They can just like hold their lips in a way. I can't whistle with them. I suck on my fingers. I have to put fingers two on each side. See, I always want to do the finger whistle. I can't. I have to I have to do this one. I won't do it, but I can. You did it. Well, not really. Gets real loud. A whistle reserved for calling dogs. Yeah. Gunner Brixton. Right. And then you do it. Yeah. Or when you want your significant other in the bedroom to right? I guess. Let out that whistle like it's time. Do you need the whistle? No. You could have a drum set. I could literally just be like, "Babe, you be like, is it time to fuck?" Yeah. You said my name. Come on, let's go. I'm always ready. I'm

124:40always ready. Rock hard. Yeah. Guys that turn down sex. That's I've heard uh girls talk about that. That like you know that they're the ones who wanted it and the guy was always saying no. I was like you're dating a gay guy or he had herpes or he's Whoa. Interesting. Think about it. Right. He's like not today. I definitely I' I've had people talk about that. I'm like he had herpes. Wow. Good point. If he's And by the way, if he's having sex with the intermittent, like I think there's also that like he's it's uncomfortable, right? Most people have it. So that's probably what it is. Or he's coming down from like doing too much coke. Yeah. Or there's that. A lot of people I feel like she would know. I mean, I don't maybe was a huge hypothetical. I dated a girl and I didn't know she was a cokehead. Didn't know until after I dated her. I didn't date her a lot. Like

125:29I saw her rarely. She seemed pretty normal. You can conceal that drug just like late nights. Like I've got a friend who's a total cokehead, but other than the fact that she talks really fast, you didn't know. No, no, I do know, but you wouldn't know. Oh, one wouldn't know. Well, that's the what aderall is is people that like have an affinity towards that kind of thing and they could do it every day. That's a that is a giant problem that that drug. And you see people that have when they're on it, they have this uh unfounded selfimage, like unfounded belief in themselves, like delusional belief in themselves. It's very It's a very strange drug. It It's like hubus and pill form. Yep. It takes away all of your inhibitions about expressing how good you are at things and everyone else sucks. You find, you know, you find all these faults in people. You don't find

126:25any in yourself. You have unfounded confidence in your ability to get things done. Like it's a weird drug. It's a weird drug and a lot of people are on it. But how good is Scarface? Oh, it's amazing. It's so good to even think his accent. Everyone thinks his accent's bad. I think it's great. It doesn't sound totally Cuban. It's exactly what a Cuban person sounds like. Maybe I know I know a lot. I mean, Joey Diaz doesn't sound like that, but uh but he's an American person. It's not It doesn't It's It's off. It's off for sure. But but it's really good defined a generation of impressions. Yeah. Oh yeah. It's it's an off impression, but it's it's a really good off impression. Has influenced almost every rapper. Oh yeah. Do you do you remember the uh Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Crazy Eyes Killer uh had Larry David over his house and he's played Scarface 24/7 on this big screen?

127:17It's like a Bible. Yeah. But I mean it was one of the ghetto boys. Scarface. An American tale. Yes, it is. What he did? Sure. Yeah. Came from nothing. Yeah. And and made his way up. Yeah. Even how he came over here. I mean, it is an American tale. He came to the land of opportunity and he had it until Miami PD shot him up. Have you ever seen Cocan Cowboys? Uhuh. Oh my goodness. One of the best documentaries of all time. My friend Billy Corbin made it. It cocaine Cowboys one and Cocaine Cowboys 2. Billy's been on the podcast a few times. He makes a bunch of different documentaries, but those two are just gems. It shows you how goddamn crazy Miami was in the 1980s. There was one year where the police academy, the graduating class, half of them were murdered and the other half of them went to jail. They went to jail for corruption. It was just brutal. Coke everywhere. All these

128:10pilots talking about coke. All these hitmen. They got hitmen on film talking about all the they did. It is a crazy documentary. It's a brutal drug. Oh, it Well, it's also what defined Miami. I mean, there's my buddy Steve uh was an opthalmologist. Shout out to Steve Graham. He was an opthalmologist during his residency. He was in Miami in the emergency room and he would he would tell tell me about dudes was just horrific wounds just to the face. Just everyone's getting up and shot and stabbed and it's like Oh, I thought you meant just from coke like just from doing so much of it getting into your people murdering people. I mean, it was a goddamn war zone. Still is. I mean, not still is, but still is a war. Like just the trafficking of it and what that does to our neighbors to the south. Have you ever seen the video of the Coast Guard pulling over the uh Mexican

128:57submarine that's filled with coke? Cocaine. Yeah. And they jump on top of it and bang on the the lid and have ex Machina moment. Like who's the guy banging on that? We all want to bang on a floating submarine. Jump and have be the kind of man that has the balls to jump on a submarine while it's moving through the ocean. Yeah, that's That's a savage move. That's lit. That's lit as That all that stuff could be avoided if it was legal. If it was legal, you'd be buying uh again, you'd be buying Coca-Cola cocaine, which is what our grandparents had. Y legalize it, sanitize it, regulate it, tax it. Bob's your uncle. Yeah. Do you know that they still use cocaine to make uh the flavor for Coca-Cola? I challenge that. A cocoa leaf, maybe. Cocoa leaf. That's what I'm saying. They actually take the cocoa leaf, but cocaine is a byproduct of a cocoa leaf. Exactly. You're correct. They take the

129:45cocoa leaf, they extract the cocaine, and then it's the number one medical supplier of medical cocaine takes that stuff from the cocoa leaves that they convert into flavonoids that they use for Coca-Cola. No, Coca-Cola. That's why it tastes so good. It tastes so good. So good. They did this experiment where they put some coke coca uh Coca-Cola on the floor and then diet coke and bugs wouldn't go near the diet coke. Yeah, but that's cuz it doesn't have sugar in it. Bugs are stupid. I don't think I think it's I think it's whatever they put in the Diet Coke. Yeah, but they probably wouldn't go down the floor for water either. They know what sugar is. I feel like they were sugar. Sugar works for them. Yeah, but sugar works for them. I'm just saying if a bug doesn't want it, but you know how you get like flavor from sugar. Bugs don't necessarily get flavor. They're they're going to it because

130:32they're probably attracted to the smell of it because they know it's going to be effective for whatever they're trying to do with it. I'm just saying the diet repelled them. It it I I prefer it though. I prefer the taste of Diet Coke. It's lighter. I like a Diet Coke on occasion with a little bit of lemon. Oh, how about some lime? Are you racist against limes? Yeah, big time. That's where I draw my line. Everything else I was okay with. But this, we got a real problem. If you get sparkly water, they ask you if you want limes. You get regular water. Always get lime. Yes. Which is actually kind of hard to find outside of the country. The lime. It depends on You go to a lot of countries, they're like, "We have lemon." I'm like, "Lemon?" And it's not the same. But some people just don't have limes. Yeah. They don't get it. losers. Yeah. Yeah. Get Get some limes in your life.

131:12Get some limes. Belgium. You can grow lemons. You can grow limes. Not true. No. Nope. Different soil. It's just different, is it? Yeah. You don't You see a lot of lemon trees in LA. You don't see any lime trees. Maybe it's cuz people suck. Uh maybe I just I think we have a an aversion to delicious things here. Really? I really feel like there's so many fruits that we sleep on that like what? Like durian? I have some in my house right now. Does it stink? It stinks at my freezer. It's freeze-dried. I brought it home. Did you like it? I liked it fresh there. I thought it was really cool. It's weird, right? But I do it as like a party trick just to watch people's faces contort. Uh mangoeen. Super tasty. Mangoeen. Juju Bees, which is I found out recently an actual fruit, not just a candy. Really? Dried juju bee. It will change your life. And I brought it to set and all

131:56the Asian girls were like, "Yeah, my grandma uses them." And I'd never heard of it. And we just What do we have? Apples and grapes. Snoring. Sometimes we have melon. A little bit of melon. Cantaloupe perhaps. Everybody thinks it's funny to on melons. I love melons. Honeydew, dude. I love them. When it's hot out, a cold cantaloupe might be one of the best things you can eat in your life. Barbara Stryand once said her definition of luxury was not having to scoop down to the skin in a cantaloupe. Like not having to go wasteful It is tasty though. She's probably throwing straws in the ocean, too. Right off her balcony into the ocean. these turtles, people. I went around last night at the comedy store. I was like, why is everyone having a straw? Men shouldn't use straws. If you need a straw, great. What about women? Can women use it? You know what? Your lipstick's not that

132:40sacred. But then the lipstick, you're crushing up bugs. You're wasting it. I don't know. What about paper straws? Do you need a straw? Let's say that you are not medically incapacitated in any form. Do you need a straw other than a smoothie? I do. Cuz it's a good way to make a point. What's the point? So, like if I have a straw in here and I go, "Well, maybe you should get your together." I'm going to suck on the straw. started look. It's like it's like uh when the old timey guys would take a a hit on the cigar and I told her, "Get the out of my room." It's a good punctuation. Yeah, I would argue a gurgly sip like I started this this conversation with is equally as shady, right? Like, oh, and maybe you should eat my It is. It is just as good. So, it's actually kind of better. No more straws. But because you're you're guiding your face. No, straws are good and they're they're

133:29good for a reason. It's a good way to suck liquid through quickly. Shouldn't just be automatically tilt your hand back like a savage. You could just pull in the straw. Really? Like savages drink tea with their pinkies up. Is that a savage? Is biodegradable plastic. It's very possible. You make it with hemp fiber. It's not hard. They know how to do it. It it literally goes back in the earth in 80 days. That's the thing. They know how to do a lot of these things and we don't because it doesn't make money or it people don't they want to maximize the profitability. Now, there's a giant business plastic straws. They can shift over to making hemp plastic. It's It's really not that hard. Easily. And what kills me is people are like, "Look, no straw." I'm like, "But the whole cup is plastic." These are just saying, we waste a lot of these things. You got a Yeti? That thing is awesome.

134:16I have one. Pretty good. Can I have one of yours, too? I was hoping to get a free one. I got a free one for you. Great. 100%. It's got my face on it. Few weird in my gift bag. Drinking your coffee. I've gotten one before, so I'd like another one. Did you give it away? Did you gift it? What did I do with it? I have it. I think I just have two. Um, the plastic lids on Starbucks cups. Those got to be a problem. It's a huge problem. Can't do it with paper, right? Bottled water. Yeah, that's ridiculous. Who the would buy that? It is ridiculous. Why is it here, Jamie? This is outrageous. No one's that thirsty. We're telling Jason Mamoa if he comes here, he's going to shame us all. Tell him I said some sort of water like in a can or he sells water in a can. Oh, that's why he's shaming it. Oh, I thought he was just virtuous. Yeah, I didn't know that either. Uh I

134:58just have a filter in my house and I just drink the tap water. I do, too. But um we should get some sort of a big jug. Y definitely. You have the beautiful coffee machine superfood coffee machine. Yeah, get a layered Hamilton superfood water machine. I don't think it works like that. Yeah, ask him. We just get something. We need He lives in the water. He does. He could hook it up. Yeah, we just need to get some sort of glass containers to keep them on the table. Oh, if only we had a container. I know. I have to. I am the Lorax and I just I'm just doing my part. Speaking for the trees. I remember that movie. I remember that book too from when I was a little kid. The movie was great. The message is great. I drive a a 2009 Honda Civic Hybrid because I don't want to get a new car and it's a hybrid and that's the part that I'm doing. I know you've had that same car forever.

135:48I always on you for it. You got money, lady. Get yourself a fat ride. You should get yourself an old Cadillac. a big purple one or maybe a Lincoln with suicide doors. Woo! How about that? Dark Pimp My Ride. I could pick up so many kids. Now we're talking go Lesbo. We get a dark purple with like metallic flake. No, a Lincoln a big old four-door Continental with suicide doors 1965. Or I could get a Cadillac and I could get like a Cadillac emblem like tattooed on me and I could get old English font. Yeah. Get one on your neck. Yeah. I could get it there and I could just start finger blasting chicks. Whoa. You going to do that, too? Yeah. Call me Zatty. Okay. I'm going to keep Jesus. See, I you were talking about finger blast and I panicked. I'm going to keep the uh Honda Civic Hybrid until the wheels. I just bought a $700 alternator. Why you still Honestly, why do you still

136:38have that? Just to see how long it'll last. For those reasons. Do you like to pull into the common store and feel better than people? You're helping. I would love to show everyone how powerful I am with a nice car. You You can afford a nice car, lady. I don't know how much you make. It's a hybrid and I don't need a new car. We live in this society that, you know, you're always trying to posture and show off things and that's fine if a car is your thing, but that's just a way that I choose to help. Good for you. That's it. Well, you're right. You know, if you want to like be a cons conserver of resources, like you're absolutely conserving resources by driving that old shitty car. But I think uh you work hard and you deserve a fat ride. I'm talking about like a 2020 Corvette with your name on it. It does nothing for me. Pink like a vagina. A Corvette.

137:21Woo. Come on. Chrome wheels, fuzzy dice. Let's go. Who are you talking to? Have we met? How about a truck? How about a truck with giant jacked up wheels? Like a dude with a little dick? Yo, how about you get one of those? You say that, but like like the lesbian part of me wants a truck. Get one. How much lesbian do you think you have in you? Like that truck. Just a truck. like and I I don't want to kiss a woman, but I do want that truck. Okay, you don't have to kiss her. She can just kiss you. I don't want that. Uh and that's cool if like those are your that's the way you are. Uh I don't I but trucks just being from Texas like my brother's got a nice truck. There's something about being something about a truck. Let's just pretend that you decided to get judge my truck. No, I wouldn't. Well, Dodge Ram makes a nice truck. Dodge Ram makes a very nice truck.

138:07yeah. They got that screen, too. I like the They have a great dash setup now. Here's the thing. Hybrid. It would be a waste. Communist. That's what I'm asking for. No. Get truck. I got nothing to put in the bed. Get the Elon Musk Cybert truck. That ugly thing. What? How dare you? That thing's amazing. I love it. Up a very narrow Some guy next to me has a Hummer, but I live up a very narrow dirt road. What does a Hummer do? Just jack everybody's car as he drives by. Just sits there covered in one of those like military flaps that looks like it has fake leaves on it. There you go. Dodge Ram with the fender flares and big old tires on it. Those got to be 35 in tires, right, Jamie? Is that a zipper on the front of the grill? That looks like a zipper. No, that's a that's LED lights. Oh, that's necessary. That is necessary if you go off-roading. How can I tell you? My first boyfriend in

138:54high school had a Dodge Ram with a lift kit. Oo. And it was No, but it was I mean, people were kind of like this is But it was like a serious truck. yeah. Uh a lift kit while it's super Florida Georgia line and like a little white trash. I don't know. When we played Florida, we rented like a big uh Ford truck. We just Great. It's fun to do in the right context, but I don't need that. Well, listen. There's trucks now that you drive that drive amazing. Like a Ford Raptor. Ford Raptors are super comfortable because there's a lot of travel in the wheels. Like the wheels like absorb potholes because they're supposed to be like they're off-road vehicles. So, they handle bumps better than anything. Super comfortable to drive. Well, that's if you're concerned about the person sitting in the back, which I seldom am carrying anyone. So, as long as my front is comfortable sitting in the back

139:44sitting in the back of a truck, like my brother's truck, like you leave and your neck's all jacked up because the shocks are It's a nice car, but like it doesn't feel great. No. Raptor absorbs It's actually pretty comfortable. You could drive over like crazy rugged terrain at very fi fast speeds. I am watching America fall like Rome. I'm watching our world fall and I don't need a new car. I get it. And so, I just admit that. But I do buy other things that are nice. I've got my money in other ways. I believe you. I believe you. Listen, I'm not shaming you. I am a little bitamed, but not really. I'm just making fun of you. It's okay. Shitty car. How about get a 1969 Corvette with no air conditioning and no old school? How about you get an old school hot rod and just be hot driving around one of those with a stick shift rumbling? A stick shift? Yeah. Whistling out the window at girls. Hey,

140:31pack of cigarettes rolled up in your sleeve. Hey, watch me pack this dip. Whoa. Check it out. Huggers. That's it. Even the way you said hookers like not really committing to I hit trash cans with my car. Do you? Oh yeah. Oh, you so you love the fact that your car is kind of a beater. I don't go out of my way, but I'm not concerned about it. And more importantly, I'm not trying to attract women or posture as anything. So I don't need a nice I don't It's okay. Yeah, it's okay. You hate America. Yeah, you hate cars. That's what it is. But what if someone gave you a dope car? Like what kind of car would someone like if some someone's like, "Happy birthday, Eliza." I think a Tesla makes the most sense because of the emissions and everything. Yeah. I don't want to I have one. I know. I saw you pull in. It's dope. I love a big SUV. I You know what? I always wanted Throw that Honda right in the

141:18garbage if you ever drove my car. Oh, I would gift it to someone. The Honda? My assistant, who has the same car, but mine's a hybrid. Hers isn't. And your car is stinky, Emily. Uh I always wanted a G Wagon, but those are dope. It's not not uh it's not responsible. Not responsible. But what if you want to go to war and you need something that has three lockers, three locking differentials? You need a of course a German car. They're like, "This is necessary." It's very necessary. I'd probably just uh drive out of town. Good move. I'd be the first to go if we went to work. The new ones are weird because the new G Wagons aren't really a military vehicle anymore. It's just a really nice Mercedes with very heavy metal doors. Well, and you have to get the AMG package, of course. And if you don't, then it's like it's like you got a 3 series. Whoa. So, is there anything wrong with a 3 series?

142:03Who are you? I'm just saying. Well, you I thought you were the girl who owns the 2002 Honda and you're on people with 3 series. Yeah. How dare you? Why? I just feel like it's hypocritical a little bit. I don't think so. 3 series is a nice car. I'm making a point with mine. 3 series is My dad got this for me and it's like a dipping a toe in luxury. Oh, I see what you're saying. BMW 3 series is what my friends got when they were 16. I had a I had a Blazer. Did you really? Yeah. I drove that thing all the way to LA. Chevy Blazers were the It was a It was all the bells and whistles. It was awesome. It had a little splash decal. Why did Chevy stop making like They have a Tahoe. It's like the McRib. Like they keep they take away things that people love. Why would they do that? Like they're bringing back the Bronco. Ford Ford has a 2020 Bronco. It's dope. But you want an old Bronco. You don't

142:49want the new one. You want like that the look of What is that piece of What is that? That's the new Blazer. Get the out of here. Looks like a Nissan. That's terrible. It's got like a shitty body. That's terrible. How is that a Blazer? That's a Blazer. It looks like a Lexus. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but they're ripping off the Lexus grill. Well, the front looks like a Range Rover to me, but Range Rover. That is a Lexus grill. Look at how that le that grill is. Now, go to Lexus LS 570 or LX 570. Look at that grill and see the shape of that grill. Lexus LX 570. Now check this out. Look at the grill on that. Same grill. Definitely. That's the same grill. Oh, I like Oh, no. You stole a grill. Not you make a grandma car out of a goddamn Blazer, but you stole the grill. Now go to is a grandma car. SUV Lexus is a grandma car. Those 570s are the Those things are legitimate.

143:43You can have a lit grandma. A lit. No one's off-roading in a Lexus. You can though. Do you know that's the same base as a Toyota Land Cruiser? You Yeah, I did know. It's the same chassis. Everything's the same. Is that what you're trying to tell me? It lifts up. It actually has a button where you can lift to go off-roading. It has locking differentials. Yeah, but my Honda Civic Hybrid has a CD player. That's a Look, See, look. See the guys off-roading this Lexus. People have done it. There's actually a Motor Trend video. No wonder they got lost. No, they're showing you the capabilities of this amazing piece of machinery. How dare you? Um, pull up 2020 Ford Bronco, though, cuz that's legit. The 2020 Ford Bronco is not like that shitty Blazer. 2020 Ford Broncos. Legit is a legit beautiful vehicle. And people are already starting like to develop customizing kits. You got it.

144:30Check this out. This is America. Jamie, you're killing me here with the suspense. The legit legit picture cuz they've had those fake pictures for a long time. You You might be right. I think they do have some legit pictures though. Uh maybe just renders. Let me see. I'm going to momentum. Let's go to ford.com so we can see. Not a Are these all your cars in a garage? Those are mine. Oh, I didn't know there was a garage in here. They haven't premiered it yet. They haven't shown it yet. Oh, really? Yeah. So, there's no Oh, so all those pictures are fake, but they're definitely at least know kind of what it looks like. I think there's been leaks. Let's see. Leaked Ford Bronco pics. Leaked nude Bronco. There's one that they released though, if I remember correctly. Well, that was their website. It says they're not showing anything till spring. Oh, CNET. everything we know. But I mean,

145:20they could show fake iPhones to be real, too. That's pretty slick, though. If that comes out looking like that, I'm in. That's a cool car. I have a 72. Have you ever seen mine? I'll show you. I'm your friend. Show me. Yeah. I love those old Broncos, though. There's something about them. There's just It's like a time machine. Yeah. There's They're cool. It's like a very Americana. Next time we're at the store, you come sit in my Civic. I've got leather seats. Oh my god. Animals died for your seats. That's kind of up. kind of monster are you? Just a regular American. Oh yeah. Is your uh your headliner made out of like mink dicks? I don't have a headliner. What are you talking about? The top. You do the inside. Oh, it's definitely felt. It's not a fully leather. I'm not driving a cow. It's like some sort of felt. Some sort of It's in pristine condition.

146:05I I believe you. Um it's already 3:00, believe it or not. I got to crawl down the hill. Yeah, we had a good time. I love you. I love coming on the show. I love every opportunity I get to see you at the store. I love you, too. We're friends. I'm glad we're friends. Um, tell everybody about your special. It's called Unveiled and it's uh currently streaming on Netflix for the last like two weeks. Yeah, it's uh should be on your homepage. If not, feel free to look for it. It's pretty metal. There's blood. There's fire. And uh it's the only special out there like it. Eliza Slesinger, ladies and gentlemen. Holl at your boy. Bye everybody. Bye.