Ari Shaffir, Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer: Sober October 2019 Preview
Guests: Ari Shaffir, Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer
Full transcript · Read the full conversation in order, with its original context.
Contents39 chapters
§01Transcript · 00:00–04:30§02Transcript · 04:30–09:04§03Transcript · 09:04–13:45§04Transcript · 13:45–17:57§05Transcript · 17:57–22:27§06Transcript · 22:27–26:49§07Transcript · 26:49–31:08§08Transcript · 31:08–35:49§09Transcript · 35:49–40:42§10Transcript · 40:42–45:27§11Transcript · 45:27–50:11§12Transcript · 50:11–54:44§13Transcript · 54:44–59:15§14Transcript · 59:15–1:04:00§15Transcript · 1:04:00–1:08:25§16Transcript · 1:08:25–1:12:48§17Transcript · 1:12:48–1:17:49§18Transcript · 1:17:49–1:22:13§19Transcript · 1:22:13–1:27:29§20Transcript · 1:27:29–1:32:06§21Transcript · 1:32:06–1:36:37§22Transcript · 1:36:37–1:41:30§23Transcript · 1:41:30–1:46:18§24Transcript · 1:46:18–1:51:28§25Transcript · 1:51:28–1:56:24§26Transcript · 1:56:24–2:00:57§27Transcript · 2:00:57–2:05:45§28Transcript · 2:05:45–2:10:15§29Transcript · 2:10:15–2:14:58§30Transcript · 2:14:58–2:19:58§31Transcript · 2:19:58–2:24:31§32Transcript · 2:24:31–2:29:24§33Transcript · 2:29:24–2:34:22§34Transcript · 2:34:22–2:38:50§35Transcript · 2:38:50–2:43:25§36Transcript · 2:43:25–2:47:42§37Transcript · 2:47:42–2:52:32§38Transcript · 2:52:32–2:57:05§39Transcript · 2:57:05–3:01:05§01Transcript · 00:00–04:30
and that's probably the way to do it we're cutting in right now pow how so what
what did it have
tell me about the tour bus this tour okay tour bus champ no no no he's not let's
hold up on
labels till we hear the story i've only won one victory in this whole thing who's
the tour bus
he came so close to the weight loss he did come close and then we had one year
it was like socialist
it was like uh marxist no one could lose yeah even if you lost it didn't matter
oh i like that
that was camaraderie yeah that was a good this year this year's gotta be a good
one listen last
year i almost killed myself yeah we got to do it differently than that you were
peeing purple
wasn't purple but it wasn't the right color what color was i was worried i had
brown though i was
worried uh but it wasn't it was just dehydration severe dehydration there was
days where i would
drink literally like gallons of water yeah you don't want ice i try it without
first you're crazy um i was
drinking so much i was drinking water and i was adding salt to it i was adding
himalayan salt to
the water just because i know i was dehydrating myself so much i would have puddles
on the ground
and you still that still wasn't sufficient like dude i set up i set off an
alarm i remember that
i set off a fire alarm in the gym from my sweat
i still have ptsd from last year sober october dude like i get texts from you
guys and panic
sits in my heart and i go wait what does it say my wife gets it she thinks i'm
crazy for sure i moved
and it upsets wives you're the only one who hadn't ruined the home life yeah if
i come to new york it
would have been i mean l.a would have been terrible yeah for an extra month but
like uh i saw that
fucking stupid device when i was moving i opened up a drawer and i was like i
didn't even want i was
like get it out get it out here it's like chucky the little doll yeah i'm
coming for you yeah man
i think leanne and push are gonna podcast this entire sober october yeah don't
let her after she
threw you under the bus in the fucking radio station tell that story but the
audience didn't hear that
story you guys should do white swaps tell that story she was they were asking
about drugs and how hard i
party and i was just talking shit and i was like you know i go uh i go i spoke
a little bit of weed
every now and then if cocaine's on a switchblade i'll hit it but for the most
part i only i only do
mushrooms once a year and leanne just heard me and she's making breakfast for
the girl she goes he
doesn't do mushrooms and he doesn't do cocaine he's got high blood pressure i'm
like i'm trying to move
tickets in dayton were you under the bus body shots world tour fall dates
available now is it
available right now dude yeah right now right now right now right now burt burt.com
it's weird you
sound like you're coming off a coke bender we're all touring hard dude but
think think about it tom
like when you first started going on the road with me you're way far ahead
further ahead
now than he was the feature oh oh right when he was opening for me we were
doing clubs yeah we were
doing clubs we're doing all clubs we started to do theaters when you started to
headline your own
places that's true yeah that was pretty crazy it was quick i was thinking about
it about that level
you were at that we all thought was like damn well yeah i mean you know why
yeah it's because like
you you know someone you're like it's accessible yeah right right right right
it seems normal right
it makes sense like oh i could sell out this whole weekend too yeah and then
when you do you're like oh
shit like what i'm a comedian i'm a real comedian i sell out a club and it's
just because we got in
shape i didn't even think about it just because it's over october just because
i didn't think about
theaters back then like when we were all right in the club i never know we were
just doing clubs yeah
like i had done a couple of theaters here and there but for the most part it
was just about just working
yeah that's what dice said it was like what do you want to do with the crew i
was like i'd like to have
clubs because one of theaters like i couldn't do theaters because why because
you said you can do
whatever you want and i was like all right dice got me to go on the road he
really planted a seat
in my head one day in the back parking lot of the comedy store so why don't you
do the road i said
i don't know he goes hey don't just hang around here and he's like you can make
a good livid
he goes you don't need these tv guys and i was like wow he's right i was
thinking about it i was
like he's right dude that's changed my life you i've said this a million times
but you and bill burr
in the back of the store telling me your show's not that good you should just
stick with stand-up
well i just knew that you were way better than that i'm like you're not even
doing your stand-up
justice yeah like i'd see you do stand-up but it's like you hadn't done it in
§02Transcript · 04:30–09:04
five months you'd been
fucking thailand or some shit swinging off of a tree by your dick on a roller
coaster with some special
people also i was worried you were gonna get killed like you were doing so many
different things in so
many different places i called him up once he was drunk on a motorcycle in vietnam
like what are you doing he's like i'm vietnam i'm drunk he also learned all
these
he learned these completely unnecessary life skills yeah yeah that you can't
apply to anything
you're like do you know how to ride a unicycle i'm like what he's like i
learned in rome i could
do whatever i could do whatever i want to know yeah okay is that harder than
when them hoverboards
what's harder oh the dude those hoverboards for in the in the uh in the ocean
no no i don't mean that i mean the things that the kids roll around on just a
wheel in the middle
two wheels no the wheel in the middle rich rebuilds you know that youtube
channel do you know who he is
rich benoit he's uh he's a youtube host and he also he fixed his he's like the
first guy to ever build
a tesla he bought a junk tesla that somebody had let get flooded with water and
he's just a really smart
guy and he's a tech guy so he's like okay what the is in that thing like how do
i fix this like so all the
wires were up the battery was toast so he bought a crashed one and he took the
battery and the engine
out of the crashed one and put it in the one that he owned and then rewired and
went through this crazy
process to get a tesla to work that he eventually did and now he has his own
garage it's what's called
the electric garage in massachusetts where he rebuilds these teslas but uh what
was my point oh he had one
one of those with a big ass fat tire where you're riding on it like a
skateboard that's hard that looks
hard that's hard to do i almost killed someone on a on a segway one time i was
in rome and we were on
segways and i was just screwing around and then i just hopped off and i didn't
realize that when you
hop off if you're leaning forward it keeps going and this thing started
whipping around me
just and we're in like a big piazza and i let just let go of it didn't hit
anyone but everyone around
us was standing dead still like oh my god i would have been bodied right there
you're supposed to
dive on it like a like a good hero yeah do you know what are fun though there's
no way you're doing
that you wouldn't dive on it no way you'd have to take it for the team he'd let
15 people die
just walk out casually i don't know what happened i don't know what happened
those hover those hover
boards that are such a jet skis where you go like 40 feet up in the air oh
those are crazy those are fun
those do look cool i like the guys who like get it turned over and like nobody
and then it starts to go
down and they just with extra speed just shoot it what are those called uh what
are they just the
window maker dude those things are fun as yeah legit yeah i could do a backflip
on one all you got
to do is like fall backwards and then kick your feet around i picked up on that
one quick yeah there's a
lot of useless skills i have from travel channel dude you you traveled so much
oh my god it always bothered
me you know why it bothered me because i would have probably done it too if i
was you and i was like god
damn it how do you get out of that because i know that feeling like it's you
have the best job ever
you're on a tv show you're like oh my god i have the best job ever i'm a i'm on
a tv show but yet
you're still like i gotta get out of this yeah it's weird because you do get to
go to really cool
places and get paid for it yeah that was cool but you also i mean you weren't
thrilled because you
missed stand up more i missed i missed stand up well what was happening is tom's
career was exploding at the
time the day i fell off a waterfall do you remember that yeah i was in aspen
and push called me she's
like i'm talking to tom he's talking about these one-nighters but i want to do
the funny bones
i was so far removed from stand up i didn't even i didn't even know you could
do one-nighters i didn't
know that theaters were an option i think i was at a store a week later and you
were like you know
tom's doing like legit theaters and i remember just going i missed what if i
just missed it entirely you
could have and some people do we all know guys that were really funny back in
the day and then
they somehow or another quit yeah it fell apart dude what if you had been like
i'm gonna lean into
travel channel dude i was i was i was what if you became a christian like super
christian got a cross
tattoo on your arm just to let them know you're really down with them i'm sure
your reps told you
all those things go to church with a golf shirt on oh man dude when i got fired
from travel channel
i've my world melted down that was right when we were getting fat shamed i was
getting fat shamed
leanne scheduled uh uh i like how you say we were getting as if you guys weren't
in on the
but you're saying that but hold on a second you're saying you're saying you
§03Transcript · 09:04–13:45
were getting fat shamed
but you got to let people know like you don't really believe in fat shaming you
weren't really
getting fat shamed no no at the time it was very one-sided real thing at the
time i got fired from
travel channel i was i definitely was one-sided and i felt it hard as your
friend was
fucking with you because he was worried you were going to die he went on conan
to do it though
you did on a major platform yep it wasn't like a morning radio he was on
another level he put it on
his fucking special on netflix dude imagine taking a conan appearance which was
massive at the time
and you go up now i'm going to use this for fun i'm not going to try to put him
on myself dj dad
mouth is my favorite character that everybody's ever oh thanks man for the main
tv show that was uh
when you used to do that that was so fun i love that you were doing that
because i hated those
shows i was like why would he do those shows morning tv is terrible when you do
morning tv
dressed up like a fake rapper she did this people don't know segura created a
character called dj
dad mouth and he would just show up places and the people did not know what the
to do with
them because the lowest rung in all of show business is morning television
morning television
i'm so sorry if you listen to this and you're a local morning television host
like i used to deliver
newspapers okay yeah way better than morning host it's it's one of the lowest rungs
in all of show
bus it's a weird rung where you're trapped it's like it's like you're
broadcasting out of like a
christian convenience store or something it's very strange the worst part too
is the four of us
plus like 90 of the acts working those clubs do not have a fan base watching
that show no you put it
together you're like this is definitely a waste of time like we're wasting our
time right now yeah
and then if that's the only one that morning yeah we're like you woke me up at
six to do this to do
good morning hartford and it only works when you when you get in trouble yeah
like you get like i
remember one time i got shirtless and went up in the in the weather and started
saying there's
thunderstorms tom did dj have you ever seen mark norman's mark norman's is
great when he just goes
up and she goes how you doing he goes kind of gay let's get this started hung
over horny look at
you i mean he just destroys but totally ruined it the relationship for the club
oh really did he
really 100 no i went in there how about tracy morgan tracy morgan's was my
first one yeah that's
the the legendary one that's the one where he talks uh someone gonna get
pregnant paul's rant
yeah he starts laughing that's my mate and call yeah but they're dying they are
dying when he does
that big one in chicago he was in chicago for sure because i know he kept hollering
at bulls to give him
like in the middle of it and yeah come on he just crashed he just crashed his
two million dollar
bugatti today today yep a honda side swiped him whoa in hell's kitchen some
dirty honda driving
savage ran into a two million dollar italian sports car damn i saw i did a show
with him uh like a year
and a half ago one of the oddball shows and he came in a all-white rolls-royce
with a
professional like with a driver you know like a chauffeur and he came in all
white and had like a
a enormous gold chain with a medallion yeah tm and i was like that chain looks
crazy he's like
like 600 000 some some crazy this is today yeah look at this look at this guy
sideswiped tracy
morgan's convertible two million dollar bugatti what he's letting people know
well what's he
got in the honda's defense it's a very low car he has a high car he probably
looked over saw nothing
yeah fuck you didn't know it was the car that was like two feet off the ground
it's such a small car
those cars are so hard to see if you're right next to them what does that dude's
insurance say when he
calls you what yeah i don't know if we can cover this actually you're covering
it they probably that'll
probably be like the final straw yeah probably kick him off the contract for
sure was that tracy morgan
interview that was kind of a had to be an inspiration doing the dj dad mouth
right to me that was the
first one i remember like whoa i guess i mean someone could with you can fuck
with them in that
way yeah i mean yeah i mean it was funny because some people would be really
into having fun with
you like the tracy morgan people they laugh and have a good time and then some
people let me like
i could see how a club relationship could be because we left one of the clubs
when i told them i was
coming out as non-binary and the lady was like what this is like on the air and
i was like different
genders i'm and she was like all right and she just turned to the tv and she
was like ugh and then
she called in the like we called the the pr person that drove us to the club or
§04Transcript · 13:45–17:57
to the event didn't
realize she's in the car yeah she goes what the was that she was like that was
that guy's so weird
don't bring stuff like that in here i was like that's the whole point we don't
want to come in here
they they think that what they're doing is serious we're providing a wonderful
morning show for
downtown pittsburgh you're showing them how to make i tried to try me
sandwiches exactly
so it's so dumb what what a great sandwich hey thanks a lot we've got the
christian youth group's
gonna sing for us next i tried on the last time i went to cleveland it was the
normal that's why
i know the relationship's still fine um but i was like there was a doctor
before me i was like why
does he wear his doctor outfit to do this on the way out he put a sweater on
and left
why can't that be him and the guy's like i don't know it feels like you're
stepping into like
truman show stuff it's so contrived there's nothing real especially when there's
like a
22 year old pa or associate producer one time i went in and i said yeah i'm
already drunk from doing
radio i could just put the mic on my necklace and she goes why i'm gonna take
my shirt off she goes uh
you will not be doing that and i said you don't tell me what to do she was like
excuse me i'll be right
back and then came back and she goes what is in your cup and i said whiskey and
she was like
he's drinking he's drinking she told on you oh my god and i was just like i was
like we should
probably leave so he just left i just left i was like i don't want to get
anyone fired she's telling
you you can't take your shirt off or have a drink yeah or have a drink i love
how it's like she's
telling me like she found something out you're like i was poor you in front of
everybody i don't want to
drink out of the bottle she thinks she's at an insurance company yeah it's
hilarious when people
don't know what job they're in trying to take it more seriously if one of those
morning shows
off like the way we're talking about it'd be like the best morning show it'd be
great so much
tom green had a great great one i'm remembering now back when he was like
public access yeah and
he's trying to promote his public access oh yeah the tom green show and he just
took over he did some
crazy in the face yeah exactly what's amazing is like him and then that other
dude jamie kennedy they did
their best where they were like pranking people jackass and then they just
stopped yeah man but
tom's blew up so crazy so crazy when tom green was on i couldn't it was stuff i
couldn't even believe
tom green did oprah wow did he really yes oprah was like we're gonna like this
it was such a
phenomenon what was going on show was so big he milked a cow with his mouth
yeah but he put
slep mobile on his dad's oh my god on his parents and then hid in the bushes
yeah he didn't just like
let me with this amount of people like my mommy and daddy did people forget did
people forget tom
green what happened people forgot no he got ball cancer had to take a break
came back and try to do
like a more serious show with uh humperdinck what's his guy's name but what i'm
saying is people forgot
how big it used to be oh they may have forgotten how big it was well what he in
all fairness one of the man
what he did was he did what we're all doing way before any of us but was when
bandwidth was too
expensive he did he had his own podcast i did it you did i did it at his house
it was part of the
inspiration for me doing one yeah and and i even talked to his yes i even
talked to his company they
were based in denver i was in denver doing the comedy works and i talked to the
company that was
doing it for him and i was seriously considering doing something like that but
the problem was
that it like the bandwidth is crazy expensive he had cables running from the
desk all the way through
his living room into a server room he had a server room at his house and it was
crazy i don't know how
much money is involved in this he's like a load of money and he was like i have
to have all these
people running it too that was tom green's that's me and tom green and he so
what essentially it was
was he decided to try to do a talk show host i remember that joe rogan the long
sleeve under the
short sleeve joe rogan i had my look for a while with the torn jeans you were
like i'm not coming to
hollywood giving up he had he that was all based on one one switch he had in
his house i know he just
go on and flip a switch and the show went on and went live so me and red band
looked at it and we're
like well how much is involved in this like what would we have to do to do
something like this and then
you know eventually it just led to but that and cumia anthony cumia was that
was a big thing yeah
he had that live from the compound in his basement and then the way that opie
and anthony ran their
show was an inspiration too because it was just a hangout and it was my
§05Transcript · 17:57–22:27
favorite show to listen to
yeah it was just a bunch of guys hanging out talking i was like that's like
that's what i want
to do four hours of them eating oatmeal i remember they just eat oatmeal and
you'd be like oh yeah
i was a big fan back then they eat oatmeal oh yeah you tune in early on on a
and they'd just be
eating breakfast and just going jim would take a and be gone for 30 minutes
because they didn't have
any at the when they first started them they didn't have any day back in the
day yeah they didn't have
any advertisers so they had to fill four hours of content so they literally i
mean everything went
yeah when they first started on sirius xm they had to fill four hours of
content oh yeah no
commercials there's no commercials that was the pitch crazy that sirius said
hey we don't have
commercials you pay for it and then you pay for it and then they just started
selling commercials
like wait a minute aren't i paying for this yeah and you got commercials too
yeah ask us how we gotta
get to a paper kid it's weird people at the helm have no integrity it goes down
he gets caked up he
gets kicked up still no matter how i mean he's he's locked up in a contract for
for liz i've son
i thought it was about to come up whatever he wants more money i'm sure that's
what howard would do
you know i mean but he makes a ass load of money yeah you know there's no one
even close
no second place he has just huge like he's a huge shareholder do you remember
that lawsuit too they're
like if we can get over let's say the number was 100 million subscribers i get
this gigantic bonus
and then they bought serious serious and they're like that took us from 60 plus
another 40 is 100 so i
get it he goes no we acquired that and he goes nah pay me motherfuckers and i
don't know what happened
with it but well but you move right there his move i think his respect you guys
are done with your beef
i don't be with him i just think it's retired but anyway the point is the point
is he did a good thing
for this but he basically what he was saying was that the only reason that deal
took place at all
was because he was a was it serious or xm he was serious he was serious right
right right so the only
reason why serious was kicking ass at all was because of howard fucking stern
period there was
nothing on serious other than him yeah he started wired they wouldn't have
acquired and also the the
model was like so you know suspect at the time you're going to leave terrestrial
radio right and go
to a place where people have to pay for what they just turn on he deserves it
here's why no one else
could have carried that no no one else he was radio he would and especially at
that time during that
transition to satellite no one else would have got people to commit to having a
fucking satellite dish
in your car remember you had those stupid fucking antennas that you said to put
on your car to get
to get serious the wire went all the way through your car it was gross this
stupid thing that would
stick up like a pigtail out of the roof of your car and that shit yeah yeah and
how i would cut out
for like every turn any corner anytime there was a building in new york city
building and a tunnel
a tunnel was dead the city that existed in yeah yeah whatever money that
country that company makes
the only reason it's still in howard star for sure only reason yeah for sure
that's it yeah i had xm
and it was uh until bennington and opie and anthony showed up it was painful i
would listen to yacht rock
yeah oh yeah it was cool though you're like 90s rock three different channels
about 100 different
channels it was awesome yeah it was worth a dollar a year best dude that's
great he's the best dude
he's been doing on stage lately he did my storytelling show too recently did
the same thing just talking
about the good old days of fucking drug addiction new york to get down dude he
describes the city that
you're like oh my god i want to be there he used to get down when did you go
what year
what first time in the city i went i left i went there six years oh first time
i've ever been there
yeah oh did you see time square when it was time square yeah yeah yeah but i
was like what's that
woman wearing a bra just a bra my mom was like whatever what they did at time
square they turned time
square into like it's gross now disney mall it is disgusting it's new york's
version of like of
like disneyland yeah it's disgusting yeah and it's a nightmare whenever you're
visiting and also you
know like when you're visiting you're in a car hey we need to go to this and
all of a sudden you look up
and you're like are we in time square like you're just driving through it i'm
like we gotta get out
of here man right like the weird chaos and it's just like it's too commercialized
so commercial for no
reason it's terrible it feels like you're yeah everything that makes new york
amazing is like
gone you used to do a funny joke about it that you go for a meeting and then
§06Transcript · 22:27–26:49
like you're walking and
people are just looking up and he's like why is that oh fuck i'm in time square
yeah who says that
jim gaffigan oh that's funny that's funny well it's like uh it's it's very vegas-esque
it's like
walking down the strip yes it is it's like the lights and it's all confirmed it's
fake there's no
there's no m m's that's not where it was invented so why is that a giant m m
store and when you
used to know what it was like like peep shows and xxx everywhere and it was it
was seedy and weird
yeah yeah but dangerous yeah it was dangerous like legitimately dangerous i
mean the worst time what
70s 80s right that was like the worst crime time late 70s into the to the mid
to late 80s i was
hanging out in new york in the 80s when i was that was my pool hustling days
and uh i was doing a lot
of gigs i guess it was in the 80s it was the 90s the early 90s because by 91
was i think the first
time i ever performed in new york 91 or maybe 90 damn really yeah well this is
like you're just
starting out though kind of yes you were going to amsterdam billiards then yes
was it what was
this chelsea chelsea billiards chelsea billiards was where we would go to amsterdam
but amsterdam was on
the west side back then it was on amsterdam that's why it was called amsterdam
that makes sense it was on the
west side it was an awesome place i played that's where i became friends with
dom irera played pool
with him in 94 at amsterdam billiards i didn't know he played like when i went
to meet a pool player
like a comic who actually plays yeah dom could play he called me today i can't
wait i'm working on that
guy i love him so much but uh new york was a different place man i was around a
lot of these like
weirdo homeless grifter type characters a lot of dudes who get arrested for
doing three card money
like the pool hall was like the best education of like street culture like
people who live on the
street i mean home people are basically homeless like sometimes they'll stay
here there like my
friend johnny was always like staying in people's he stayed at my house for
sometimes he would stay in
these weird little hostels and flop houses in new york and places that didn't
have a roof like you have
walls but there would be like no roof like everybody could hear i remember like
as a kid in that era
the perception that you had of new york is like this is nothing but crime right
like they were
just like this is dangerous you're not allowed wow giuliani you know he clamped
down on all that
shit i remember when i moved and i i found a place and came back to get my
stuff and i told neil brennan
i was like i don't think they have bars in my back window do i need that he
goes oh dude read
the crime stats that's it's a different city though it's just not that city
anymore yeah yeah it was already
safe that 97 i was i i mean i don't remember any crime which although i did get
taken in three card
money a number of times but they didn't force you anytime i saw three card
money you know my brain
i'm like i got this i put money down hilarious dude i so that and they used to
have this game where they
had a a nail and a piece of board and you had a hammer and you had three shots
to get the nail in
that they have that in thailand dude i do that every time so hard there were so
many so hard there's so
many hustlers right back in those days in new york yeah so many people trying
to get off some kind of
scam yeah i guess i've been scammed by a driver in new york how what like this
was not even that long
ago i mean it was probably like seven eight years where no like you get in the
cab and you're like
you know if you don't live there but you kind of know like the layout you're
just like basically
i want to go up uh you know 20 blocks this way right and the guy just goes
across town and starts
going up like the opposite highway like where we were i'm like which what are
we doing exactly
this is already as you could track yourself on your phone yeah i'm just looking
at it like what
are we doing he's like going up to the i go couldn't you have just gone up that
avenue that we were on
and he was like i don't know what's going on man i'm like i go well this is
outrageous and then
when we pull up i see like the meter going going i'm like this is crazy that
was supposed to be a
10 minute drive and it's taking 40 minutes he goes just pay me whatever you
want to pay me what yeah
and i go okay because you didn't want to get caught yeah and i go okay so i go
like the the
thing said like 68 dollars and i was like here's 20 bucks he's like that's it
you said we want to
pay that's what i want to pay so i'll see you man yeah but it was he was
totally with it yeah because
he totally did yeah he scammed you yeah yeah i did that in israel once in jerusalem
when i got there
i took a i was like take me to bne brock and he was i didn't realize i was
three blocks over
he just told me like oh it's right there dude but instead he took me around the
§07Transcript · 26:49–31:08
city and then let me
off and then when i want to go home afterwards i was like what it's right here
that's how you find out
i found out on my way on that cab ride because i started texting people at the
next place i was like
i was just leaving here and i'm going to see you should i be on the fucking
highway do i need my
passport yeah and they're like no so you didn't speak spanish in that moment uh
he was uh not from
see i would have taken i would have taken i would have gone right to spanish
gone to a language that
makes me feel powerful nigerian i got pickpocketed in uh in florence and i went
into russian everything
every word i knew in russian i yelled at the guy and he ran because he was like
i don't know what
he's like russians are fucking animals you should have yelled out america you
fucking traitor you
should have yelled out america and take your shirt off and said i'm the machine
and started running
after him trump motherfucker what and then my wife yells up behind me he's
scared more scared to you
than you are now he doesn't do cocaine he doesn't do cocaine he's afraid of
cocaine
that's hilarious you should write that down you should write that down you
should write that whole thing
down about you talking about on the radio that is hilarious and then you know
when that on stage
then because the audience is gonna be like so wait what do you do then you pull
out coke and you do
a bump yeah yeah yeah everybody and then you start making no sense and then
blood comes out of your
nose dude it's an awesome show yeah you could do meth if you want if you don't
want to do the coke that
night you take your high blood pressure medication on stage chop that out yeah
i would i would love you
know what i'd love to start growing is cocoa plants the kind where you just
chew the leaves i don't think
you can grow them here i don't think the climate's suitable you can get there
yeah you can make you
you could like organize like a uh a closet with some heat lamps and do you
think so yeah for sure
and just have just to like chew a little bit well you got a very job let's find
out how many people
are growing their own coca leaves in the united states i don't think anyone
want to why not why
wouldn't you have i would love to i think you need so much of it that's why
those feelings cocaine right
you just make those peruvian leaves you just want to be like one of those bears
would be doing that
i would love to talk to aubrey marcus it's the crazy thing is when you you chew
those leaves it's
actually not bad for you at all great and the tea the coca tea is great i've
had that yeah that'll
settle your nausea you know when you especially you get to like i'm serious
like yeah everyone starts
drinking it so sign me up it's great isn't it crazy that everybody just thinks
of this one thing as the
processed chemicalized version that scarface and i mean how many people have
died because of cocaine
oh my god good lord how many murders is there another drug on the planet that
has inspired more
murders than cocaine yeah right i would i would love to know murders versus
number of dicks sucked
for it oh that'd be a good one way more man if everybody got murdered every
time they did coke
they don't but a lot of people get their dicks out without doing coke like it
might not be everybody
but it's like 30 percent so many right because girls can't afford coke too if
they're young and
they're partying and they're out and and some guy comes along with a fat tracy
morgan like gold chain
that's how good coke is though yeah that's how good it is right you that that
people are like for
sure i'll just blow this stranger oh yeah it's so good guys so would get coke
that didn't do coke they
would get coke just so they have coke so have it around for those horror women
if girls want to
go wow because some girls when they want coke they're like i am calling
somebody and i'm gonna get some
fucking coke and i'm gonna leave here hold on hold on we got some coke some of
it though is just you know
there's a goddamn orgy going on some of the girls are like oh i know my blow
job is worse stuff so
what can i get out of it what am i looking for my brother-in-law told me that
he went to woodstock
too you know like what 20 years ago whatever it was and he said this guy got
out of one of his
friends got to have a long line this is an orthodox jew got to have a long line
with a bunch of food
like it took forever to get through concessions and she goes look on my way
down the line
i'll blow you for that food and he goes yeah sure let's do it wow absolutely
sucked his dick for food
yeah her food she's like her that's like your chimp she's got a little extra
protein
we had uh uh be real from cypress hill and uh he was showing us the footage of
him on stage crowd
surfing he he was on stage in front of in woodstock half a million people in
the crowd and then and
then goes out into the crowd crowd surfs and they stole his sneakers they took
§08Transcript · 31:08–35:49
his sneakers and uh both
people both left and the right sneaker they came to his one of his shows and he
signed it in the future
like dude i got your shoe from woodstock he signed it he's like yeah and he
signed that's crazy
that's wow it's the video of him on stage in front of half a million people it
is insane i love how they
the 500 have not wavered at all from their day one not like we smoke this all
day and then
if like if you open their instagram right now it's just like check it out yeah
30 years deep into this
it's like they don't around at all instagram in cypress hills instagram like
half of it is weed
videos with like cypress hill music in the background yeah it's crazy it's just
videos of people doing
wax and dabs and and bong hits with cypress hill in the background that first
album's so good so good
do you think they get high the way we get high but dude i know they do i went
with them they get way
higher than us no no but i'm saying do they like are they out of it no man look
he's fine i did i did
got that show called the smoke box yeah oh you can see in the car by the way
can i just say i thought
you were an old chinese guy yeah barbecued i wasn't even there are you serious
i was in another dimension
yeah see how we just have a panic i saw a picture of you and it looked like you
were i was like oh
he smoked so much before we ever got in the car i was like i can't believe we're
gonna keep going
he's like totally normal oh as normal as can be yeah yeah those guys
professional stoner send dog mugs
they're just fine yep that's not me that's me with booze though yeah i could
definitely i could
definitely probably like i always i always try to think of like the celebrity i
could go beer to
beer for and then really hurt them yeah most of them most post malone post malone
you think you
can take him down dude oh you can take that yeah he's a child sure who do you
think he's a young
guy with scribbles on his face dude he's a he's an awesome he's a great uh
fucking musician yeah he's great musician it's awesome his tattoos are
questionable they're odd
what is uh who do you think is really fucking take it down yeah you know i mean
like i drink you
heavily and i think if you and now this is i've thought about this a lot if i
go for their cocktail
and i got to match them cocktail to cocktail um i can keep pace with stanhope
uh what that's a big
big one i can keep pace with stanhope jesus stanhope doesn't drink as much as
everyone thinks he just
drinks every day oh yeah like like yeah it's something like he's not like uh he's
not like a lot of
it's one after another right yeah yeah he drinks a lot of light beer stanhope's
oddly enough a lot
healthier than i think people assume ron white would be a tough one oh yeah ron
white that's a champ
my wife told me he gets up every night of the week that's possible like every
night of the week
every night every night every night yeah every night that's all i know how to
do damn but he looks
like a million dollars he looks better now than he did 10 years ago he's a
happy man i'll tell you
that that's a happy dude he looks great yeah he's 38 years old
so boys we're brought here for a reason not just to talk
shit jesus we're trying to figure out um how to do sober october this year
what are we going to do for october i i will i already i already have the
answer and i think
it's early for me to say it now so i'll wait till the end oh you have your
thought i have i know
exactly what we're doing okay so the sort of part is happening though right
sober part is so we're
going so it's over tom's got an aggressive schedule i think we should go no
coffee okay
really yep step it up that's not sobriety but why i'm fine with that i drink a
lot of coffee
um because i think we should make it harder like no no booze no alcohol is easy
no coffee is the same thing ooh no water it's uh it's not sober you're not
sober you're on a
mild stimulant i think it's cheating i think we should go no coffee i like no
coffee i like no coffee
no coffee only wait wait wait how about you can only drink water the whole
month
jeez no other drinks oh i'm in no other drinks sparks water but you
can't have carbonated water bro come on carbonated water it's just water i'm
right i'm saying like
for no that works i like where you're going with this joe i'm ramping up i'm
ready to go to war
wait only water and carbonated water yep i'll do that i'll do that i'll do that
oh so no coffee so
what you wouldn't have milk in your coffee wow yeah no line bro we should go
carnivore diet all month
nothing but ribeye steaks all right relax why not because we're gonna get that
fucking i'll tell you
what i'm willing to i'm willing to negotiate i'm willing to negotiate with what
i think our challenge
should be for what you think our restrictions should be right well what do you
think the challenge should
be i know i have an idea of what challenge should be wait you have an idea yeah
what's yours this is
about health right yes yeah health it's not what do you want it to be i i think
§09Transcript · 35:49–40:42
it should be if mental
health is a legit part of health you should give up your dopamine fucking addictions
and get rid of
your cell phones yeah get rid of your cell phones and your social media for a
month i get your i get
why you wouldn't do it because your career you can email your fucking ladies to
post it for you ladies
i enjoy social media yeah i know oh i don't enjoy booze
it's not about not enjoying it i think you have a good point with this i do i
really do i think about you
sometimes when i when i feel like i've been on like a flight or in a hotel room
and i'm like i think
i've been looking at my phone for like three i think i haven't gone out yeah
yeah yeah just being
i just think it takes the the um the connective tissue away from this this
challenge to the people
that enjoy watching this challenge i think a lot of people enjoy for sure that
will be that will be
a problem i mean they won't be able to join with a rock let's do it and then
november 1st everyone's
like oh yeah you guys did sober october i forgot about that i could get each of
you and i'll
could tell no uh i could and i understand i'm not like joe who says do what i
do and then i'll just
have an easy time of it i will go with no cell phones i will do beyond what i
already okay let's
let's let's i didn't do what you guys did though even though i did you were
already doing yoga every
day you slowed it down to join us i know it was a challenge for us it was only
a challenge for you
what i'm saying it wasn't a challenge in that like there was no contest if it
was i had to do yoga the
most like i do all right right right right maybe that's it maybe that's it
maybe it's the most 90
minute yoga class all right so you hear his mental health it's a good point we
we definitely look at
these things you can also get a like a legit real camera if you wanted film
stuff give it to your
assistance so you could have it posted figure this out and post whatever you
need to how about this
how about this we run the most miles in a month just track it yeah let me just
go for a baseline
right now how many miles a month do you run right now it's up there man okay
what about you
it has to be real running i want it on the gps i don't want that on a treadmill
the rocks got new
shoes with a bluetooth capability in them oh my god yeah well we'll wear the
rocks shoes so we're
going to run we're going to run for miles but it's not fair you're already
doing well i'm only running
hills man oh okay how many how many miles do you run when you go for a run now
it's no more than an
hour hour and 15 minutes yeah same same marathon right there no no up hills up
hills he's probably
running six miles yeah i'm running i'm running some steep it's more like it's
it's more uh
sprinting it's like there's a lot of plyometrics it's more like that like you're
you're you're not
just flat running at a steady pace so do you sprint run yeah i'm chasing my dog
too we're having i'm
trying to make it hard i make i pretend things are chasing me i play little
games in my head yeah that's
nice i pretend i have to get to the top or everyone i know dies yeah you're
good at this yeah just give
me a hint of that whatever you got in your brain give it to me a little bit
when i work out you don't
want it um yeah because it ramps up it ramps up i was ready to go i think we
were working out well you
know how crazy we were going guys we were working out like six seven hours a
day yeah it was terrible
man but the whole time i was like i do zero working out so this is all jack you
did great you looked
great all right all right when you were here when we were like three weeks into
the month and you
were here we did a podcast together and you used my rower you did an hour on
the rower and you were
ripped you have a six pack i was like look at this that was pretty impressive
an hour on the rower is
real work that's real work you were not gonna not get second i was not gonna
knock i was not gonna go
last that's why i did not want to go here's what i think here's what here's
what i'm hearing already
wants to do a challenge that he already excels at i get it no no no no but you're
already off your
phone and your complaint about joe is that he is is that he keeps logging in
things that he is good
at so yeah i will take care of this gentlemen are you ready we're here we're
here let's hear it this
year's sober october physical challenge i keep presenting it like a
presidential candidate it's like
an apple when i win it's gonna be good hip-hop dance
hip-hop dance joe hear me out joe hear me out and spin let me soft sell you let
me soft sell you okay
we each get a choreographer and we work dance classes as much as we can dance
classes are pretty
aggressive and would we leave it to the audience to vote here listen hear me
out when i like that
idea joe we can do that now hear me out starting one each first of october that's
what you do in
a pitch you make them think it was their idea yeah yeah that's a great idea i
§10Transcript · 40:42–45:27
want you to look over
i want you to look over at that belt you're never getting that hold on hold on
one second oh hear
me guys hear me out everyone listen to me yeah you should wear that for this
this could be good oh he's putting the bucket's belt on
oh okay all right i haven't even touched this thing since october
same as me with any sort of belt man we each got to go to dance classes to get
our skills set up we
each work with a choreographer to create our own dance to the exact same song
let me know when you're
done at the end at the end at the end by the way i'm selling this to the room
yeah threading that
through your jeans no it has to get popped it's like snaps in the back it's a
legit belt
at the end of the i have a hard time putting belts on too if at the end of the
month come november 1st
we each submit our one minute hip-hop dance choreographer choreography video
and the fans vote
on who the winner of sober october is gentlemen i would like to hear your rebuttals
starting with
tom segura i gotta tell you you sort of mentioned this your rebuttals okay punk
holes yeah you put you
put you sort of mentioned that here's what i'll tell you what i like about it
because it's easy to
say what i don't like about anything that comes out of your mouth yeah so what
i don't like about it
or what i do like about it is that no one's great at it i do like that it is a
workout because those
those dancers are in unbelievable who do you think is not one dancer right now
me obviously i'm gonna
guess first joe second it's not even close what are you talking about it's
definitely me what i'm way
better dancer than you guys out of your mind just because you speak spanish
doesn't mean you're
better yeah you know flamenco do you know how to dance no but i know i'm a
better dancer than you
guys really yes first of all i would do what a bitch i would you know that's
true i'll give you that
listen i could do a lot of crazy with my body you guys can't do that's true but
i'm saying rhythm
can play dude you have rhythm yes all right you wait hold on you have rhythm i
know i do
i'm phenomenal at dancing well here's my thought keep poking holes in my idea
here's okay but no
you get to close it down what i'm saying is that nobody excels i mean obviously
i'm better than you
but nobody excels so i like the idea of working at something that you know no
one's great at and
oh that's me dancing oh that's right i dance in the movie i was in the movie
zookeeper yeah i i i took
dance classes oh all right i dance my ass off bitch i love how the movies make
it seem normal that
that guy could get that girl i know hold on hold on let's see joe okay bro i
learned how to dance
like legitimately i mean i'm not good or anything so this is hip-hop dance we're
talking about look
at his face yeah it's intense dance come on son oh yeah you do pretty good
there actually i took
fucking dance lessons i had to do it for weeks who are you dancing with nikki
glazer uh leslie bibb
oh she's uh from uh talladega nights yeah yeah she's great she's great very
very funny person too
then i think this sounds like a done deal or anyone else have any wait wait so
here's the last thing
the last thing that is great okay so everybody gets to work at it nobody excels
too much at it
i think it's funny that we're comics and we get to look silly doing something
yes i did not look great
at it and i'm on board with i think it's fun that people that watch that or get
really into it would
have a say in it okay i'm the only one of the three of us who's not obese so it
would look the least
silly for me to doing it you're calling joe fat i'm medically obese i think
that's okay science
it's all about the bmi son yeah it's all about the bmi my bmi is off the charts
wait you're saying
that you are into it or not i'm saying i would i would look the least silly
just in terms of that
but you guys i get why you look silly just moving at all well you also need to
get silly yeah i'm not
i'm not a fat man but you break yourself always you're always breaking yeah
break yourself before you
break ankles and elbows and you're always breaking things i am breaking stuff
that's cute you're super
vulnerable yeah i am it's a good point what about injury what's injury you're
not durable no no no
dance classes are intense do you really think you're the current best dancer
easily i think
easily yeah he's the one who's out of bars the most yeah i dance the most out
of all of us i agree
and so and so the dance classes are tough we get each get ourselves choreographers
and we create our
own dance to the exact song don't get too hyped up wait wait wait for me to
talk about this okay but
the amount of molly i would have to do to to enjoy that dancing but you can't
be sober but i can't be
sober but you can't november 1st is that when we posted the whole idea is the
dance part it's true
sober dancing sober here's here's problems with it problem number one it's
subjective you can't have
§11Transcript · 45:27–50:11
something subjective you can't have something i think tom dance better i think
our dance better
you can't have a bunch of morons vote for it okay okay let me let me break this
down
piece of my base finish up i'm gonna write what if what if what if the dance
pros got together that's
what i was saying professionals what they judge well yeah they're they're they're
like burt better
they like me better you don't want that no olympic judges what those guys are
the most corrupt people
in all of sports they literally go to jail but so we have to agree no bribing
the bribable olympic
judges no no no nothing subjective we gotta grind dances no we gotta we gotta
make it uncomfortable
pot you gotta make it super uncomfortable if you want to make it that's pretty
uncomfortable dance
classes it's all right 11 15 dance dance classes hip-hop dance there's
something about the fitness
challenges that are more exciting to me because yeah because you're doing
fitness all the time i wonder what
that is i'll do something you guys don't do a fitness challenge you guys don't
do
yeah or that i don't do rather right okay that's what you're trying to say that
i don't that i'll
ever do i'll ride bikes i don't give a f**k
bikes bikes ride bikes everywhere bikes are store accessible ride bikes yeah
but tom's in europe
ride a bike bitch how's you going to your ride bikes i'm in europe in october a
lot of those
countries have you scheduled an australian tour to cancel yet
it's coming up oh i'm announcing it soon i know that when do you cancel it i'll
cancel close
why are you gonna cancel it i've canceled before so uh before once though just
once i think it was
twice a couple times it was canceled did you get sick yeah the only time in
australia the only time
it's been australian was opening for you with a ufc ticket really no i went i
went also another
time i did the melbourne festival yeah yeah yeah hey i'm in auckland june 15th
this sydney june 20th
giving out dates oh that's all right that's right when i'll be in columbus no
nothing i know there's
a bunch of people that are like no we want to vote we want to be able to vote
well then they're gonna
vote no one's stealing this you're gonna have to earn this so you're saying
this you're thinking this
hip-hop this is mine so this is what i like it yeah i like it i'm gonna keep it
i'm gonna keep this this is
mine the flaw he's saying is that there's not like a clear right that it's yeah
you can't leave it in
the hands of the judges get the out of here that's rule number one for fighting
never leave it in the
hands of the judges okay it's not rule number one it's probably like rule
number yeah it's down there
first it's like you know watch out watch out for like sweeps keep your hands up
number one yeah probably
don't smile at celebrities in the audience yeah do your cardio don't eat like i
would love to see
those guys day one of jiu-jitsu is like can we leave this to the judges like
dude just worry about
locking up half guard rule number one don't leave it to the judges i need to
know
oh my god that's funny that was really behind your dance idea hip-hop dancing
would be tough
i do have a gym for you home there's a place right nearby me joe joe i think
you're overestimating
your dance skills hip-hop dance dance skills i'll learn them would it be amount
of time in my body
better i'll learn them you know how to move your body better for sure you don't
think i know how to
lose me move my body better than you can move yours do you think we get shakira
do you know how crazy
that is for you to even say that yeah do you know how crazy it is for you to
say that my physical
dexterity and your physical dexterity they're the same they're the same i don't
know what you're talking
about joe i dance all the time joe can you leave a wobble if i got through that
challenge and you
didn't prepare and you came in last like you did with this last one yes why is
that not been to put
a sock in a fucking with a lock in it like a bike lock and beat your ass i'm
cool with punishment for
this i'm cool with punishment that's a good idea a bar real punishment right
like like full metal jacket real
punishment code red beat you out with a bar of soap and a sock and hip-hop
dance i think this even
matthew modine got in on that remember yeah he did that's right he hit him too
he felt bad about it
i don't know if this is a real thing
so you don't know what's the real thing i think you need to keep pushing how
you think guys are the
same hip-hop dancing skateboarding challenge that'll work if you like all
judges i could see us going
through all these fucking things and bird at the end is like whoa you guys beat
me i can't believe
it like you motherfucker you're talking the whole month yeah talking the whole
month and you came in
last that's that's my game plan that's a good point i'm saying that next
challenge there's no
sandbags sandbag for the whole october you fell apart dude i fell apart okay
§12Transcript · 50:11–54:44
when ari started posting
these giant he he was on the bike for four hours like what oh that would what
my head up tom got so
bad fucking we started off slow we started off with like 200 points was a good
day it was like it was
like that scene in big when uh when um uh lovitz is telling uh what's his name
like hey slow down
slow down someone you're gonna make us all look bad yeah you know we're all
doing this like hey easy
easy easy crazy anybody was gonna take it we don't know how much how much we
hated each other
to the really drive us to not be well i don't know how you looked at it but i
love you guys i love
you guys i just thought it was a fun competition jesus what the fuck are you
stand by it
what was the most amount of points you ever put in in a day my biggest point
day was it was you went
you ran 13 miles one day yeah oh broken up no no just i mean like
just kept going and going yeah i did it in the hills and you know just kept i
ran like to another
city came back yeah he ran 13 miles that was after he was sick for a week yeah
that's what he almost
dropped off yeah i was like oh he's done cool we got him we took the foot off
the gas pedal
so why did you take the foot off the gas pedal we should have waited until he
was done for sure
tom was like i'm sick i'm out so i was like tom's in last i don't have to worry
i'm not last oh is
that what you were worried about yeah so i was like i was i was competing with
tom and i were neck and neck ari was a
fucking cunt and we'd just post numbers in the middle of the night you'd go to
sleep but he did
that like two thirds in oh he didn't start like that i posted in the middle of
the night because
my gym blink fitness would allow me to work out 24 hours a day so i'd get off
work yeah it was
fucking ridiculous i'd get off the comedy clubs and i'd fucking go work out at
3am that would
fuck my head up man i'd wake up because you wake up and you're like blame esti
blame esti for giving me late spots it's not my fault it's uh it's all esti it's
tricky right yeah
it was there was a lot of gameplay but here's what i okay i'll just say this i
realized you
guys woke up like i'm like oh what yeah i'm not in first look at this i like
this
here's what i okay keep this i think you guys should do a dance-off anyway
well he does have that incredible physical dexterity they would need a way for
judges to decide but
that's not about working out though right hip-hop dancing no hip-hop dancing if
you're gonna get good
you're gonna be dancing every single day that that okay i will tell you i don't
like doing it but that
that reaction was a good response is because that's how we felt about
everything joe
somebody showed me a tweet i made recently like a year ago i'm like how did we
get from
burt can't run a marathon to all gonna go straight edge for a month what the
happened that's exactly
what we got from no it wasn't it burt couldn't run a marathon he couldn't do it
faster than your dad
did yeah and then suddenly we're all straight plus holocaust survivor and then
he was but he was also
like i could run a marathon tomorrow yeah i technically kind of did yeah you
did i technically
did i did blow the doors off you guys you were really really amazed but i think
the real test was
that tom was going to try to roller skate a marathon faster than i can run it
but he didn't take into
account going uphill or the fact that he has never roller skated yeah but that's
easy to learn yeah it's
pretty flat four wheels like it's like calculus but what do you think would
have happened on the
roller skating part of it after running that marathon yeah uh he would have
crushed you i think
you probably would have beat me yeah it was a flat you don't have a chance no
hold on la marathon was
uphill downtown but once you got past the store you would have been hauling
fucking ass down la cienega
yeah he would never caught him from the from cellar to the nobody yeah a couple
of roller skating
people reached out to me and they were like they're like you know they said
like your feet are gonna
you're gonna be in rough shape like it's not easy it would blow out his calves
hold on a couple of
roller skating people yeah they reached out the roller skating dude i started
hey brother don't think
this lightly we're warriors i get it from people that have been doing it for
years and also like
what is that the roller derby people they were like yeah you got to be careful
well just think
about skiing for five hours if you had a ski oh what greatness that would be
yeah but if you had
a ski for five hours straight without going up lift hills going up the lifts oh
yeah up the hills if
you just skied only only on your feet for five hours i bet you would be hurting
yeah oh yeah yeah
you're hurt anyway some muscles are all sore yeah you're my feet are always
hurting after a day of
skiing like jesus because you're always like yeah yeah yeah no it would have
been i would have been
§13Transcript · 54:44–59:15
up for sure you got up did you see me crash bert yeah no yeah i did i did and
then i pulled up and you
were like oh i don't think it's broken cut to surgery how broken is it yeah i
put it put a pin in it
wait this is the same cast i saw you with yeah the big one damn yeah it's down
to this now
so up you got a pin in there like a metal piece broke off i have some sort of
pin you know what's
good about that it give one more reason to with the people at tsa
you're gonna be my vasectomy did that like how come something's going off do
you have anything
you're talking like vasectomy it's like anything in your pocket like vasectomy
they're like what about belt like vasectomy and they're like what what what do
you think it's i'm
like i had my dick cut and your stupid thing that you're the head of this
company decided we need to
buy it points out that i got a vasectomy really how does it know you had a vasectomy
because it's a
little inconsistent it's like a hard thing in there peanut you want to feel it
no yep it's your choice
interesting so it's calcified you got like a little rock like that yeah rock
new dick hole yeah so now
i'm a terrorist threat damn wait so i want to ask you one thing about your
challenge because you say
no we're not doing ouries no no no i just wanted to ask you something that we
suggest the status but
like that's preposterous yeah there's not enough of it there has to be a second
part to that right
for the month what do you mean yes there's nothing physical yeah good point you
know what i mean like
is there it would just be it would that would we would need a second part
because right that is just a
mental problem yeah well it would guys i'm telling you you're not going to do
it i know how addicted
you are you're never going to agree to this dancing videos uh it would make
your lives you'd be happier
and you wouldn't know why hmm no i've been off twitter pretty much and it's i'm
exponentially happier
twitter just makes me sad and angry reading uh people fighting is not fun can i
uh can i show you
something sure yeah unlock your phone for me i won't do anything but just
unlock it and hand it to me
i swear i won't do anything bad to you i have a code of honor okay
writers on the storm
i'm terrified with what i just gave you you know what i'm gonna do no i'm gonna
look up the time
usage yeah screen time oh it's gonna be up there okay so just today i'm selling
tour dates bro yeah
okay so today of your life you have a family you have two kids i started
morning radio at five in the
morning until 11. hold that thought so while you're on morning radio you're not
using it no i was using
entirely to look up who i was talking to where i was at but while you're on
there yeah you're not
doing it yeah okay what time is it right now it's 4 26. yeah three hours and
nine minutes oh i'm
sorry three hours nine minutes above average today yeah today was a press i was
doing press for
the body shots world tour sure last seven days which starts in september ends
november 23rd
i'll be in auckland you actually surprised me 30 minutes a day yeah i don't i
dude i
with instagram a lot is that on here yeah instagram an hour 18 minutes yeah i
with instagram a lot
that's it what do you do i do i do that's it i don't i don't touch twitter i
kind of stay away from
everything i see yours no yeah how bad is it it's uh today's not that bad look
up screen time for the
week all right are there totally days i'm totally off my phone you don't touch
it at all i'll record
stuff and post it but i don't read comments and stuff that could your head up
twitter can be aggressive
sometimes it's what did it find out great it used to be oh dude i remember that
fun jokes
yeah i can't i could dude i'm my whole thing's about i only use stuff to
promote tour dates that's it
really tour dates like like uh i did i did an hour of social networking it says
yeah and then seven
days seven days seven day okay hold on hey let's get more cocktails i'm down i'm
those i am pretty
boomers are kicking it hey wait hey how are we gonna switch him over to hip-hop
dance slowly slowly
yeah it starts with me thinking i have better dexterity it's a lot how much how
much you have right
now hold on wait wait wait wait you have two kids but let me preemptively say
oh sure i was on a bus
for the last seven days sure so that's a good definitely i'm saying not home
not home we're checking
we're checking our amount of usage on online on our phones so that's legit i
mean right now mine's
30 minutes a day on a bus but this by the way this time could be spent reading
that's a lot
that's a lot or doing something but 30 minutes a day i guess not no 30 minutes
i think it's pretty
low wow what's tom's what's tom's six hours and 34 minutes a day last week on a
bus i'm on a bus
okay but now but that is i get your but no i get your board but there's a far
better way to spend your
time you're right but you know what but you know what i've but you're here's
the but you have to kind
§14Transcript · 59:15–1:04:00
of look at it like this too i'm sitting on this bus with a thousand movies you
can choose from
and i do this all the time where i roll through like i'm going to watch a movie
which is like a
normal thing to kill an hour and a half two hours and i'm like none of these
interest me i'm going to
spend that time doing this right looking at emails looking at social media
looking at youtube videos
it's if i'm saying that you can knock off easily two hours yeah and there'd be
two hours spent just
mindlessly staring at something else or that you wouldn't be have a record of
for writing or
thinking that's true or like but you're saying that none of that occurred we're
learning hip-hop dance
no i'm saying that i will say this when you're bored and you're looking out a
window on a tour bus
eventually not in the first 10 minutes but in the maybe between 10 minute 30 a
minute 40
your mind's like we're so bored and then you start writing bit ideas yeah that's
true and you're
just not even thinking about those times because you're on there that's true it's
100 true
wait so what's yours like eight minutes uh i would have to get my ipad out do
you know what yours is
yeah take it out let's see ari's is surprisingly high because he uses his when
he's not at like
what's your seven day though i have no idea seven day was 30 minutes yeah today
was there was three
hours and a half but his seven day was 30 minutes a day average 30 minutes a
day what the hell is that
possible what's it under what's under yes you have a second phone use the uh
search part you just put
screen time it doesn't even make sense mathematically good job tommy you're
absolutely right that three
hours and 35 minutes today would be all you would have to only abuse that all
day it's a brand new
phone yeah that's why even when you said 30 minutes i was like how the is that
possible
two hours and six minutes that's that's too much that's too much of your life
today okay i want to
find this what is it uh what the fuck hold on man what'd you do oh what'd you
get the
fucking hair i love the one guy that doesn't have an iphone is walking you
through your iphone
that's true five hours and 30 minutes 451 minutes a day wow that's a lot four
hours and 51 minutes of
your day of your 16 hour waking day in joe's defense not to but like he's got
to interview
new people all the time and i'm sure there's times he's like tell me about that
guy dot dot dot okay
there's definitely a lot of that i keep hearing in my defense in my defense but
i'm never in my
offense where i'm like that's too much it is too much it is too much you do do
some work on your phone
but more more than that you fuck off i have every note transcribed in my phone
all my notes from my
writing my laptop it's all on my phone um all my sets are on my phone it shows
your productivity
on there yeah what you're using a timeline yeah it won't be it's not like it's
going to be four
hours and 35 minutes of productivity and 20 minutes of fucking off no no a lot
of it is also watching
stuff you want to have real fun yeah youtube your tabs on safari and let's take
it let's play a game
where i can go hey tell me about dot dot dot what you googled earlier it's a
fun game
oh my god i'm a computer tom give me your phone i got my computer tom give me
your phone no
um i have a computer here you can use that it's a lot of time when you look at
it when you see that
it's four hours a lot of waking time spent looking at a screen instead of your
surroundings wow what is
the last things i googled you're driving part of that you can't you're not
using it you're
fucking it's me and it's you and then it's just some porn
how much is that you like anal scenes are you beating off every day no i just
started again
interesting took some time off yeah i took some time off i was having a hard
time with it and
now uh this is his phone this is ari's phone yeah all right i gotta call you
back he's got a laptop
that has a cd drive no it does it but that's the right year to buy honestly
because a good keyboard
yeah all the ones the ones i got now are horrible the problem is with that you
can't do the same
things on instagram like you can't post stuff from your computer no i have to
send it to my lady
you can't post it from um an ipad yes you probably could no i can't but i
blocked myself out of my
out of my account i don't know but i don't know my password it's hilarious yeah
i know yeah smart
yeah smart yeah but it does not make for a great sober october challenge in my
opinion just to watch
people do nothing is not entertaining no but they'll still get he's saying that
it would still get
posted everything would still get posted no no i'll buy you each a good a a
camera a legit like
digital strength of this challenge is that people enjoy like following along
okay in terms of what
we're doing but that is not our normal thing rogan clearly is the it's the
§15Transcript · 1:04:00–1:08:25
working out so he
doesn't have to change his life that much all you do is promote it wouldn't be
the worst for
you to not have what you're already doing is promoting non-stop all he has is
hip-hop dancing
did you knock something over again yeah so then what's tom bad at what being a
father obviously
so we've got it what if we switch kids
how do you handle this what yeah what do you do how do you handle this how do
how do we do this no
i didn't say what i didn't hear you but i mean what what are those pronouns you
mean i mean i'm saying
like i like the idea of uh some sort of social media challenge like staying off
social media
it's gotta be that with something that's the thing we're we're missing the
second part no 100 you're
you're dead on dead on with that but burke can go himself with this hip-hop
dancing so joe
i do have a hip-hop dance place right near my apartment that i could go to all
the time
i told you i'm in man you're in arior do you think social hip-hop dance would
be a good one
i think it i think let's put a pin in that i think for real okay put a pin in
it that would be okay
that would be at some level of acceptable we'd have to get judges who don't
know us nothing subjective
no judges judges can go themselves we need you want real hard numbers okay let's
put in parameters
you can't have a bad decision that causes a riot amongst our fans i feel like
even if we
unfavorably got the belt even if we don't do this there was something so real
about how good
you you said you're a better mover than him that i would love to see i feel
like part of the month
you have to do something with that you know what i mean i think the the
audience would love it
seems like it makes sense oh it's got to be here's the deal let's just put
parameters on where
sober tuber is going to be taking place tom is touring through europe for part
of it yeah for
part of it really yeah how many days 10 days that'll cripple you you're gonna
get sick to do what
if you get about any fitness i'm already laying it down yeah forget about any
fitness challenge son
10 days in europe all that traveling with those weird european diseases oh yeah
that's how they wiped
out most of the south american that your people yeah yeah the diseases you find
there is what's gonna
have wiped out your people graham hancock says that at one point in time the
amazon jungle had 20
million people and thriving civilizations beautiful cities and that the europeans
their dirty diseases
yeah came over and wiped everybody out until thousands that's actually your
parents 20 million people
yeah yeah your dad was one of those they're trying to run away from a virus
true getting rid of his dirty
bugs your mom was down washing her laundry next to a cayman alligator and he
came up and sneezed in her
pussy
hey tell me this uh the creek in the caves the legion of skanks are not doing
yeah what the
they're doing not doing their show at the creek in the cave anymore first of
all you guys coming
to me on this is worse than ainsling being coming to you about a comedy store
but no you were just
on with milo i think it's directly related yeah yeah i think that one wasn't at
the creek in the cave
right but that's why what happened no they were trying to do it at the creek in
the cave the lady
freaked out right uh she buckled under pressure that's not why they're moving
they're already
gonna move it they're already gonna move it this new stand was opening up
though they'll use this as
an excuse maybe or people will say that's the reason so they were already gonna
move it wait start from
the beginning for someone who doesn't know what you're talking about yeah there's
a lot of people
uh they booked legion of skanks you know who they are yeah of course they're
legit people and uh
louise right louise yeah and uh louise gomez and uh and dave smith and they
they're hardcore guys
except when they come on this podcast and kind of puss out but like um they're
hardcore guys for the
most part and so they booked yeah they were they bitched out on this what do
you mean i don't
understand that i thought we just had a conversation yeah there you go now you
understand that's
fucking imagine jackass in the heyday of jackass and them all sitting here politely
and not trying
to fucking shave their heads in front it's like come on dude obviously yeah
they need a second
chance on this podcast i don't think it's not now i wouldn't give them all
these expectations i
want to come up and do something crazy they just came here and had a good time
with you yeah it was
fun nice con nice conversation what's the problem with that oh no it's great
drink some tea and cross
their legs like milo yiannopoulos and milo said they cucked out so now ari's
running with the
narrative listen so they booked milo yeah they're like oh we have this guy who's
§16Transcript · 1:08:25–1:12:48
been
fucking off whatever and then uh and then everyone started going doing the
thing where they attack the
venue if you have that right you're the problem it's not enough that they can
misanalyze the person
or say i want nothing to do with that guy then if you put him up then you're
the issue a woman who's
gave birth to tons of fucking great lgba and fucking black performers right she's
an issue
because she's not stopping a performance from happening and then soon it'll be
like if you
perform at that venue then you're an asshole right right right no it's nonsense
you just ended up
happening yeah what's the a stand for a lesbian gay bisexual alliance oh oh
they have a lot more since
i left college but that's what i was told that's the problem is when you look
at lgbt which is like
the accepted use of those letters we didn't have the a in the end we were like
oh a is now asexual
and finn taylor does a great joke where it's like they're included but because
the reality is the
asexuals hate the other ones like you're disgusting i don't care what kind of
sex you're having a lot of
lesbians are not really excited about transgender men or transgender women
rather true there's there's
that there's turfs you know trans exclusionary radical feminists no i don't
know i'm busy
living my life and trying to dominate i don't know you're trying to dominate i'm
trying to
dominate dude damn i didn't know you were trying to dominate wait can you fill
me in more on this
though so tell me about dominating wait let's not leave dominating i want to
write that down but
there was a big uproar a lot of comedians started trying to like show how they
were woken up and
they were like i don't think you should do it quipping very publicly quit
putting rebecca in
this position telling the guys was gonna be in here's how you could tell
someone is a white knight
virtue signaler when they don't go to you saying hey tom i'm calling you on the
phone don't do this
but i get it i might not have your number so if i'm tweeting at you uh i'll
just write at tom segura
don't do this if i really want a virtue signal i'll go dot at tom segura hey at
tom segura so it's
not just me and your followers it's everybody anytime anybody sees if you're
listening you see
somebody not start with the act that is them virtue signaling on purpose and
all these comics
unless they're saying something positive they just wanted sure oh yeah yeah
absolutely that's
you're right good point like hey everybody come see tom you know yeah you don't
want to say
steve shafir i loved your new netflix special yeah i love the jew hour yeah it's
coming yeah thank
you um it's great it's great hour everyone i saw some of it it's a great hour
you've been working
on it hard it's all hard your jew buddy milo he's gonna appear on the show yeah
and then all these
comics all these people start saying i will never go to the creek again they
put unbelievable pressure
on her they call him a nazi club owner jewish and he's also married to a gay
man who's black yeah
who's black crushes his ass opens it up allegedly so wait a minute what ends up
happening so they go
we're not gonna have okay so they said we're doing this we're not talking they
started going to war with
these fucking virtue signaler comics okay um and then at some point rebecca i
talked to her a bunch
because i don't this is not my thing i don't even want to do it and i'm like becca
what you do is you
stand by your comics and so you let them do whatever they want obviously i've
been on the i've
me have been on the wrong side i've had venues cancel me yeah because of like
this so i'm
like you don't want to be involved then milo's people said oh guys you put out
the the time and
date of where i'm gonna be i can't go anymore so they moved it so they moved it
and still did it
and still did it somewhere else yeah we did it and then okay well shout out to
her for not caving then
yeah consider names the creek in the cave that's funny yeah so then did it go
out uh yeah it's out
now oh okay yeah and it's it's it's all i didn't watch the whole thing but the
part with you and milo
pouring but it was it was pretty funny the next time somebody calls milo a nazi
and me a nazi
sympathizer they say it's my face maybe i'm just weird because i just saw my
dad speak at the memorial
but i'm like if you're gonna tell me the people who took his father and say you
need to say goodbye
to your son and son you got to take care of the family now and watch the rest
of your family
fucking disappear and death is the same as that political analyst i'm gonna
slap you you should
slap yeah i should it's it's so it's so so derogatory and offensive in a way
that i'm not okay with it
so you can say that away from me but if you say it to me i'm gonna there's a
lot of you should
broken comics that were saying that yeah there's not enough of those guys you're
§17Transcript · 1:12:48–1:17:49
getting smacked
yeah that's why they're saying smacking that's what diaz always said that's
what big j said delirious
delirious what is completely ridiculous of course it's insane it was crazy guy
is a provocateur yeah
he fucks with people he pushes buttons and he does so in the age of the
internet yeah he's a great troll
the thing that they got him on which is where it all got really weird was
essentially
him saying that it should be okay what happened to him when he was molested
that he was abused sexually
molested by priests and this priest he you know he would joke around and say
that he was the one who
pursued the priest that he was trust me i was the predator like that's that's
how he said it he's
hilarious and that's what got him it was talking about that on my show and then
talking about it on this
other show wasn't it the amazing atheist show it was right the point is anybody
who says like you
shouldn't be allowed to put that person can't be heard anymore that's what they're
saying but that's
what it was but it was really just his harsh critiques of liberals and feminists
that were so
biting and then you know he actually did a podcast with jordan peterson
recently where he talked about
the the the molestation i didn't see it but from jordan's explanation it's like
he's understanding
now as he's getting older that yeah he was a victim of this thing and he was
making it
less impactful yeah yeah that he was giving this guy like like a pass that he
did it to him almost
yeah anyway the creek of the cave is a great place for young comics in new york
she's always like i
hear nothing but great it's amazing i support that place it's it's like they
they they bring together
young comics and like give them places to perform when no one's it's it's it is
it is what the comedy
store was if you take away the size like the fifth the 12 plus year comics how
many seats is it
80 on top and 15 20 in the bottom jesus oh i walked in i walked in this is my
impression of this place
at one time yeah i walked in on machines on a skank fest yeah and i walked past
ari throwing piss on
somebody oh nice yeah and i walked downstairs to a room full of people with
their shirts off
chanting uh do you remember that ari did you uh did you shit in a tupperware
there yeah that was
there that is yeah that's where you opened up the tupperware he took it took
his shit in a tupperware
and then opened it up in the room it was a tackle box it was a fishing tackle
box that i wrapped
person michael che was outside and he was like oh he ran he smelled it from
down the street
i'm starting to gag just oh and these guys were offended by milo exactly it's
like what are you
guys talking longer but it wasn't that i just shit into it and see whatever
happened happened it
was a pile a bit oh my god it's a good question i'm not sure exactly sometimes
when you shit it smells
awful and you realize you've so much it's broken water it's rising like yeah it's
broken water
out of the toilet bowl you know it's like the kona coast you know you get that
smell like why
does it smell so bad human human human shit so bad my dog's doesn't smell
nearly as bad not even
nearly as bad as people should that yeah it smells like hate crimes yeah but
dog once it gets in
between your toes smells worse i don't believe that dogs aren't drinking that's
what it is they're not
drinking whiskey yeah they're not eating eating subway i thought you were going
to do a thing on dog
hydration like it makes their shit good guys on a dog has a new product the
real problem with dogs is
the amount of water in their shit if you can dehydrate your dog it'll be nearly
as bad
no nothing's as bad as human shit human shit is so nasty man you know you what
you're walking like in
a city and you sometimes you see yeah and then say it so if you just smell it
if you're in san
francisco if you smell it it's like a 90 chance oh 100 you know oh dude uh that's
what they told
me in hong kong they're like listen if you see hold on not every mainlander
from mainland china
shits in malls but if you see in the mall that's a mainlander yeah really like
yeah they're disgusting
they just in the mall yeah they're just mainland chinese people just in the
mall like i'm not talking
even in the bathrooms oh the ground the ground so okay so you're walking
through the mall and you
see human shit on the ground uh-huh yeah dude they don't know how to be chinese
tourists are an
underrated worst tourists in the world what chinese tourists are the worst
tourists when they're when
they're saying to trump we're gonna hold our tourism back all the the travelers
like please
keep them there so they just some folks who live in rural china is that a lot
dude the children you've
been there yeah they have these shorts these wide shorts with a cut down the
middle so when you open
stand up the the cut comes together but when you squat so you don't have to
§18Transcript · 1:17:49–1:22:13
lift your shorts out
it comes out and then just away these where they're walking 10 year olds just
take shorts
how do i get those pants for sundays what is this why kids keep crapping in
public in china it's part of
their culture dude if you're against it that doesn't mean and you can find
anything online these days
that's true that's very is this brightling look at bert with the common sense
dude i've gotten
it is kotaku.com the louvre they put up signs they're the worst tourists i had
to put up signs asking
chinese tourists to not poop on the grounds oh my god scroll down that for a
second top five worst
tourists chinese far and away number one like like richard prior the chinese
replaced americans as the worst
tourists in the world we never were it says they're obnoxious oh my god this is
a terrible article
yeah although although have you ever been in public apparently oh my god this
is on vice yep uk vice
uk vice how dare you difference but that we're so we're reading this folks if
you hear those words
i have not said that yeah i'm reading something off of a the the title i'm not
the records people are
bad if you're listening if you're listening ari did say everything i did say
all that i'll stand by
chinese tourists are by far the worst tourists next is i don't know how to say
this israel and russians
tied why israelis okay i'm sorry sorry i'm i'm bad i'm bad i'm missing australians
the bogans are
the worst garbage people are you serious yeah they have inflicted them into the
world like go learn
on their turf wow bogans are awful why israelis i don't know if they get out of
the army and they
think they could go nuts yeah i i don't know but people don't like israeli
tourists really yeah
they got a reputation about them i didn't know that yeah americans are way down
the line no americans are
not celebrated in a lot of parts where you travel to man we are very celebrated
a lot of people we're
the only ones who tip consistently hardcore people like our money yep and the
ones who travel are not
the fat rednecks i guess that's true we're the ones who've gone and gone to the
world but sometimes
they are that's the that's sure sometimes there's a lot of americans i'm just
saying there's plenty of
obnoxious americans traveling yeah yeah definitely but we're not in this top
five really interesting
i would have thought i would have assumed we normally shitting at the mall i
can't believe
that's a big step down it's a big step down is insanity dude like for you to
think that other
people are going to be like oh yeah you just got to take a shit right here dude
i i've been where
it's like i gotta piss in public at other things like block me make block me
you know so they get
four or five guys around them no you don't have to block me i'm just gonna real
quick
it's like we're in the woods and i gotta piss there's no like embarrassment
level that's how they feel
what's how they feel dude they don't even worry about who cleans it up because
they're not even
thinking about it dude let it stay there do they wipe there's no wiping imagine
if everybody did
that if everywhere you looked it was just shit oh jesus everywhere you're
walking so if you were to
confront somebody like right after you're like the fuck did you just do they'd
be like what are you
talking about do you think that they're living in a place they would confront
you with like what you
just got in your car like what i don't get it yeah do you think that it's where
they're living is so
overrun with people that they just shit anywhere and they don't think that
anybody has an impact
on the environment well now you're asking me to speak expert and i will yes
even though i'm not
one but this is all my interpretation and yeah i think they have no expectation
of privacy because
they're so fucking on top of each other their homes extremely clean take off
your shoes before you come
inside really the homes are are we talking about is this thing like i'm not but
i'm saying main but
there's in on the mainland you know china's over a billion people yeah so you
have a lot of like really poor
uneducated rural parts and like saying that somebody in that area does this i'd
be like yeah
are you saying that like even somebody that lives in beijing or shanghai
who has a job or wall street no they don't no they don't so that's what i'm
saying not all mainlanders
will shit in malls right but if you see shit in a mall it is a mainland and let's
let's be clear
when they say kids what age group is it high school kids we're trying to or is
it like there's just
shit everywhere yeah how long were you in china for i wasn't in china i was in
hong kong singapore
and macau so now the macau what's funny is when you're in macau which is
obviously big casino kind
of tourist destination all the people there they eyeball immediately who they'll
tell you who's like
a mainland chinese person you know because they can tell about it well that's a
different type of thing
§19Transcript · 1:22:13–1:27:29
where if there's if somebody's like you see dudes in macau in like versace
shades and like fendi and
gucci and like i mean all crazy outfits and you're like god damn what's up with
that dude and they'll
be like that's just a mainland dude who uh new money he just got rich wow it's
all over macau we just
know and then you see that the uh the the understated person they're like that's
a hong kong guy
that's old money yeah right oh it's like england almost yeah yeah yeah all
right like you know like
you know like england they got those guys that are like like uh like the like
the like oasis who
are like track suits and walking like this yeah and then you got the old posh
money it's like yeah
all right all right that's all yeah we can do accents accent challenge
um dumb fat florida person oh hey what's up guys it's park reiser i got tour
dates in auckland
son of a bitch oh my god wait ari i'll say a country you do the accent without
saying the words
okay okay okay okay here we go russia don't say the words just make the noises
they make
sense i'm not great at accents oh don't you don't do any words don't do any
words
have you ever heard the samurai speaking sasquatch footage no no one of the
dumbest things that
duncan and i did when we were doing that you guys did this no no we went and
studied bigfoot one of
the dumbest things ari did the show with me and uh one of the things that we
did when we studied bigfoot
was talk to a bigfoot expert that was playing us some audio and some of the
audio it sounds like a
samurai it sounds like and the guy was claiming that this was like a secret
recording of bigfoot
really oh my god it was the dumbest thing i'd ever heard in my life did
anything by the way in in your
conspiracy theories yes and like what you challenge was there anything that you
ended up going oh like
oh good question that's not dumb yes really yeah more jellins disease more jellins
disease is a
disease where people is it more challenge is that what it's called but you're
saying something you
didn't even think about before yeah i thought it was before because i had read
that it was
bullshit and what i read was that the people would uh think that they had
things growing out of their
skin so they'd be scratching themselves and they would add fibers to their skin
and take pictures
of it and say look i've got things growing out of my skin and that it was a hoax
but um then
talking to a doctor who had more jellins who explained to me that there's some
sort of
neurotoxic effect of lyme disease and that everyone who has more jellins also
has lyme disease and he
was a legitimate doctor and a very smart guy he was essentially saying that
mainstream science in its
but he's not going to be able to do it and he's not going to be able to do it
and you're going to get us
kicked off of youtube with your dick out
well it's barely balls are away just cut straight to his day anyway
what was i saying that that is a real disease that there's more jellins disease
is what it
is is is lyme disease the there's a bunch of pathogens that come with lyme
disease you know
it's not just the lyme disease it's not like a pure one you know like a one or
a zero you have or you
don't it's a dirty tick that has a bunch of horrible diseases inside of its
nasty little body would you
know if you had lyme disease yes you get a bullseye like like uh looking um uh
red mark around the area
and the area hurts and then you start experiencing terrible symptoms like flu-like
symptoms and okay
you got to read stop being able to read you're supposed to catch it quick oh
wait this guy on your show
he wanted to brush his teeth and he's like he couldn't like go back and forth
he was like what the
fuck my friend's kid got bell's palsy where his face went numb don't get me
started oh my god
i had a teacher that that had bell's palsy in high school and they kept him out
and then he came
back and he was okay no but he he came back while he still had the face
paralysis oh we're all like
looking at this dude we had a student a year older than me our bells palsy and
we mocked them uh
relentlessly like we should have pro pro pro 15 year old john heffrin got it on
stage no way he was on
stage and his face started going on him and he had to hold his cheek over to
finish his jokes
then he called his brother-in-law he goes i think i'm having a stroke i'm about
to get on a plane
i think i'm having a stroke the next morning his face was numb and drooped and
his brother-in-law
goes go to the doctor right now what do you mean you're having a 20-hour stroke
and it was bell's
palsy and so what do they do about that how do they fix that nothing nothing
nothing
just wait right you just wait ift had it dude i get i wake up ift had it eddie
ift had it too
i think it's a virus you'd be good at it dude i think about bell's palsy every
morning
why every crazy morning why would you think of that it's my ritual every
§20Transcript · 1:27:29–1:32:06
morning i wake up
on the left i thought he was doing a stallone impression he said stallone has
bells palsy too
does he he got it when he was young and sometimes it doesn't go away whoa and
so he wrote so we're at
about three months does it affect the spelling or i don't know what the actual
well if you don't
know how to spell it doesn't help basically he looks better now i hung out with
him this weekend
but uh so is he back on stage he's back on stage how recently did this happen
he spent like three
weeks in his sister's basement just being like it's never going to come back my
career's over i can't
go on stage like he tried to do a show and he said everyone was just staring at
him like this like
oh oh man so what do they do to fix it nothing you just wait you just wait
until it starts coming
back yeah i think he said a reboot was like right your face so you gotta get k-o'd
um wait so why do
you think about this every morning dude yeah especially when i'm getting ready
for a special i think like
what if i got bells the morning the morning of my special the secret time i
woke up and i smiled and i
went i beat bell's palsy that's the first thought i had jesus christ how am i
involved in this
conversation i can't believe i'm involved in this conversation i think we
forgot you know what else
what else i forget i think of uh alopecia the scare falling out everyone gets
out every there was a
when i was little every comic at the store had it burn had it i met a med had
it everyone got it at
one point and i just was like don't give me all the hair fell out just in in a
circle norman had it
weird patches comics get it oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i had it when i was a kid
yeah i think about
alopecia too and so mike tyson had it remember that's why i thought yeah mike tyson
had like a weird
circle in in his head for a while i didn't know it yeah wait you said you were
going to dominate
earlier what do you know just don't you like to dominate you gotta give me the
context again i know
but i said you like dominating or something yeah dominating life yeah
dominating life yeah yeah
that's you have time to dominate because you don't you know on your phone that's
what it was yeah oh yeah
yeah yeah yeah that's how you dominate i can do something i can masturbate
multiple times a day
instead of just once like you guys you moved in with a lady though right i did
yeah yeah
honestly guys it might not be this year about the your social media edition and
stuff
your wedding is next year kid you're gonna take that when are you proposing
take that rock
out of here get your shit taped back up i'm gonna be like i made you this
i'm gonna shoot some hot ones into you i love you so much i got my dick fixed
that's real love if you
do that my pipes reconnected yeah they pulled a straw out of one of those sea
turtles noses
and they used it to fix my dick you know the straw video with the sea turtle's
nose no it's the most
horrific video what don't google it it's it's the reason why they don't have
plastic if you're like why
the do we have plastic cups to lids why do we have plastic caps no don't look
why don't we have
plastic straws the reason why is because there's a video of a turtle and they
have a clamp i don't
know if this is the main reason but it is for a lot of people they clamped this
straw in this turtle's
mouth and they eventually pulled pulled it in his turtle's nose rather it was
deep in his nose
so i can't watch this yes you can oh there's like one of those so see that's a
that's a straw i gotta
tell you they got stuck it is so much harder it is so much harder to watch
things happen to animals
than to people how do we not know this wasn't a night of cocaine gone wrong
look at that poor turtle
so he inhaled oh he's giant yeah he's a good one so they they realized that the
straw was stuck and
apparently this is not bleeding it's this is not an unusual thing so they have
to pull away what do
they who's the tweezers guy get a real tweezer guy in there he's scared he's
scared and he's got
he's got little hands too he's got little tie hands little bitch ass hands grab
it and pull the
thing he's out there saving turtles about this person's hands the poor turtle's
going no look at
it oh it's in his brain it looks like jim norton jim norton's going no don't do
it he's using a
pocket knife well that's all he's got oh damn dude oh that is just you know
what does he get it out
i would bite it with my face and i would pull it out with my neck because you're
a warrior someone
hold his fucking head you care about the animals i care about the animals i'm a
warrior for sea
creatures oh there we go this has got to get it this is right get it the fuck
out he's got a
leather man oh that is like no god this guy's horrible no it takes horrible i
never want to play
operation with this guy it takes time but it's worth it at the end oh he's
trying to bite the
§21Transcript · 1:32:06–1:36:37
shit he's like what are you guys doing to me it was fine it's better before
leave me alone oh he's
bleeding out of his fucking nose how did they get the sea turtle on the boat to
notice it in the
first place guys stop being a bitch grab that guy stop being a bitch he's not
biting at you here he
goes here he goes nope nope lost it again he's trying to do a fucking pull he's
just got a
gentle pull he eventually gets it he eventually gets it i swear to god please
show me please show
him getting it there's still so much more hard okay the video's almost done so
this is
a little bit hard oh my god they're going to take that out and they're going to
stick it in ari's
dick hole to fix his broken pipe and now they're eating that turtle that's what
they should do they
should recycle it and use that to open up your dick pipe who the fuck so this
is what they do they take
that rock out that calcified dick rock yeah make a nice ring for the little
lady that is really
romantic dude that would be romantic your dick pipe with the actual tube that
they pulled out of that
turtle's nose throw some diamonds in there too you know but you're good pipe
son bling it bling it
out yeah why not what if we each raise a dire wolf like something like someone's
drunk
oh my god it's funny can i leave my car here yeah for sure what do you have a
card inside if you want
you have a car here dude we gotta we gotta get your car straight what put we're
gonna put like all
those jokes on the side of your car yeah like do you like do you like to laugh
oh that's right yeah
we gotta do that yeah we're gonna do that i just don't have a car so it's tough
but a rental car i
i would be in on getting you a corvette member yeah whatever happens to it
happens to it yeah we'll
put a sober october wrap on that bitch yes i said we all wrap our cars and
start cars in sober october
dude you already have extra wrap it's camp you're already yeah i wrap you
wrapped his bus
i just bought like 10 wraps of my face it's so much fun i put my face on
everything the bus champ
i didn't even tell you are you the bus champ or is already i'm the tour bus
champ no you're not
what are you doing what is that is that lyme's disease what is that that's
gross too what's wrong
with you so what's wrong what is that is that poison ivy you got poison oh you
know what i bet would
help you i bet some cbd oil rubs some cbd oil on that what am i a doctor how'd
you get poison ivy on
your camping trip with bobby yeah oh dude put that down yeah yeah yeah give it
to us it's not catchy
shut up that's what everybody with ebola says you can't catch you can't catch
everybody with ebola
is like no catchy no catchy i'm like you sure why are you coughing man yeah why
the guy next to you
start coughing is that a fucked up thing about diseases too like they try to
spread themselves
like yeah they try to get out like alien dude dude i did a meet and greet in spokane
and i'm doing it
and the guy next to me the guy next guy rips his shirt off puts his arm around
me and he is
burning on fire and i go whoa bro you are hot and he's like yeah i got a pretty
bad fever
wow i go really and he's like yeah man sorry i think you're gonna get it too
that is the perfect
burt fan oh yeah that's pretty bad fever i'm sick hey my best i want to hug you
i wasn't gonna miss
this man i'm a giant fan but i'm taking my shirt off you're taking yours off
too and then he'd probably
be like hey do you mind if we kiss and burt be like all right if you want to
that's one of the
things you don't remember the other night we were talking i was drunk and i was
talking about how
my my inner dialogue is you think i'm weak oh yeah yeah so one of the ones is
when guys go hey man
like it's always like big italian guys picture you kissing me on the cheek kiss
me on the
fucking cheek and i always go nah man because they might i might hear my brain
go you think i'm
i'm fucking weak yeah you run into a lot of weird people out there dude you
with bell's palsy for an
hour oh my god it'd be great you should get shot botox in your face for a month
because that does
work that's a good challenge i'm up for that challenge and raise awareness for
both i knew a
lady who shot too much and it like affected her eyelid whoa yeah you gotta be
careful you get to
the wrong doctor and they're like yeah one more shot a little more and you're
like yeah during the
me too you know it's like i always smile at women just to make sure i'm not
having bell's palsy
imagine if your nose is running and you didn't even know it's a conflict it's
all numb oh my god dude
no i wouldn't mind a tiny face tattoo yeah this is what we're gonna do we're
gonna all get botox so we
can't move our face so you have to do your act you have to do your act like joan
rivers and like with
a with a frozen expression dude there's a show we're gonna really start doing
shit with our voices
§22Transcript · 1:36:37–1:41:30
that's the only instrument you'll have you're like you can't raise your
eyebrows at all you can't raise
your eyebrows at all there's a show rivers had bits about it really oh yeah
everyone knew about
her plastic surgery you couldn't hide it it was like a she was it was like a
mask you look like a
surprised catfish that's it what's his name's joke who said that uh who's the
lawyer the mexican lawyer
greg gerald the mexican lawyer the best is when he told uh he told uh flavor
flav you look like
a skeleton with duct tape wrapped around him i don't know um i forgot everybody
wait we have
we don't have our challenge what's our challenge it should be hip-hop it would
be some joy we have
another hour we have another hour there would be some fun of when you start
getting to move down
you're like oh what save it so wait what do you like it should be something
that we can do on the
road because we're all gonna be on the road barefoot running i'm telling you
this it might not be this
year and it might not be next year but eventually you guys will come into my
idea of mental of mental
health can i tell you what joe is saying and i don't think this is a bad idea
what i'm saying
joe's saying this obviously there's a conversation i don't know if you want to
share this but he was
saying we were backstage and he was like it's not bad to do another one of
these halfway in so if you
want to do another no like do like a may so bra something with may and for you
at home listening
absolutely you should do that if on your own terms
i'm cool with anything we decide i just think it should be hip-hop dancing and
we should do it twice
a year okay just wait wait wait one other thing shoot you were saying earlier
how your body moves
so i want to know like are you flexible are you super flexible very yeah
showing really how flexible
can you do this where you touch your hands behind behind your back yeah of
course no no behind yourself
this way no this way stupid behind you can you i got it let's see it can you
can you do splits yeah
i can do a split show us on the table right now can you do it yes i can he can
you can do a split
he only buys jeans that have lycra in them all right so let me show me how to
do a split first and
then i'll show you if i can do a split listen i don't want to get it uh a
muscle pull so i'll go
down as far as i can go with same same here same here yeah yeah you do the same
why don't you guys
just save time and touch dicks now all right okay here we go oh oh oh oh yeah
yeah dick is about
that far off the ground and i think if he didn't have the the i think if he
didn't have jeans on the
okay the gravity would take his dick all the way to the okay all right all
right that's legit yep
bert yeah and you want me to go that far i want you to go yeah farther if you
can so now wait a
minute pockets yeah yeah for sure now if i was at the end of yoga class i could
definitely hit a full
split and you want me to go all the way down like you did yes yeah okay ready
bert yes okay those
pants are not even designed for that guys let's keep going keep going he took
your shoes up don't hurt
yourself i'm hurting myself don't don't hurt dude i gotta tell you that was
really close it's a lot further
this is the exact conversation we had all month last october you got a knee
down that's pretty good
are you saying man dude look here's the deal what's the deal i'm not going into
sober october half ass i'm
definitely charging every one of you motherfuckers just like i did last year
you can't you can't follow
up one of the shittiest all-time specials of all time with something even shittier
yeah yeah you gotta
like what are you saying something better what are you saying no whatever we
decide to do i'm still
going full tilt you said you did that last year no no no no no no no no no no
no last year he was
awful and he's gonna come back strong but he was saying he's gonna come after
us like he did last year
i think no no no can we rewind that no i was saying no listen i'm drunk listen
hear me okay i was
saying i'm gonna talk i'm not gonna not talk this year interesting okay yeah
right but you
know it can't work anymore right and but that's why when i do it it'll be so
effective mickey
mandel's not dead mickey's about it literally literal mickey mantle is dead
yeah acknowledge
that i have the mickey mantle gene you too first i've already acknowledged it
many times thank you
what does that mean dude my dad spoke at the memorial uh at the hall across
memorial and i so badly
the mickey mantle gene no i wanted to people who died of like disease and stuff
like that a lot
of people and i i wanted to yell out they didn't have the mickey mantle gene oh
my god i did uh i did
a date i don't know recently and there was with the promoters that you work
with now and so you work
with like one promoter easy bro what you work with you work with the promoter
yeah yeah yeah we all do okay
keep going so i was what are you talking about he's got a better than one
§23Transcript · 1:41:30–1:46:18
promoter is what he's trying
to say yeah the mickey mantle mickey mantle it's like a single guy when you're
like yeah when we're
hanging out with your girlfriends like this is a fucking anyway she's got a lot
of girls a lot of
girlfriends he's got this one guy with a girlfriend he's got this one guy he's
got this one guy
sounds like i'm your girlfriend he's gonna get a call i guess i'm your promoter
burt oh yeah
burt i guess i'm the one promoter you work with hey burt i just want to tell
you uh i heard tom
talking about the promoters and it made me proud that i'm your promoter oh they
know they know
because i know that there's someone else there was someone else you would uh i
mean you wouldn't be
that hurtful that you would be referring to someone else as your promoter so i
know you're talking about
me i don't want to be presumptuous sweating right now bird i don't want to be
presumptuous they
they brought up the gene and they're like i've done they go i've done a bunch
of dates with him and i
tried to hang out but you know a couple days they're like i can't do it man booze
yeah they're like i
can't hang out with him very few people can keep up with my pace on the road
mark maron or mark
norman what i'd say he's worried about i don't know if i can give up but don't
try to do every third
drink oh you broke him is it day is it nightly try i don't know it's just it's
just i don't even
notice the party follows no no no no i'm saying why did he try oh like why
would he try to rookie
move rookie move i told him i said you go on your pace just be with him hundred
percent is that guy's
name the promoter
all right so um one thing i think we all agreed that the surfing challenge was
too crazy right that was
dumb that's burke's idea oh yeah that's first idea well surfing challenge i was
thinking it might
be a fun idea like the amount of time on a board no no but here's the thing it's
like
i don't live anywhere in new york you're gonna be in europe just too hard you
live near new york and
you live near they have long beach but like you're gonna be on the road we're
oh whatever where do
people we really dance in new york they surf dancing is what we're doing yeah
it's not gonna dance i
don't know well but the fucking yeah somewhere there joe think about you walk
on stage yeah boom the
lights come behind you right another light comes down right the music starts
and you start boom boom boom
and then people like oh and then the the beat breaks and you go into something
else and you do you
learn how to flip in this month now you've already bought five minutes you only
have 45 minutes left
to give interesting 45 capiterra joe you know interesting you're in you bang
out a split
you guys are high there's no way they're gonna be able to do splits in dude i i'm
gonna be dead
honestly i really didn't think you could do a split that's fucking impressive
why would i lie
no i didn't well because that's what i do so oh yeah i can do a split
fuck yeah you really didn't think you could do a split though no i didn't know
i mean to split
a grown-up doing a split's tough yeah you got pretty not that close but it was
good do you think
pictures of me doing the split yeah multiple ones he's posting can you can you
sit crisscross applesauce
and your legs don't hurt yes look at his toes straining there by the way look
at his spasming toes
the one big toes way way off what year is that yeah that's not what i'm doing i'm
pulling my feet up so
that i can push down with my hips how come the one says no to you and the other
toes say yeah
zoom in on quadrant four look at that look how far away they are i'm doing this
i'm doing this
i'm spreading if i spread my feet out like that and i'm lifting my toes up
instead of pointing them
down that could be you doing that so i can lean in with my crotch so you
stretch the abductor adductor
muscle guys guys gymnastics
good luck this guy breaks his hip every time he gets out of the shower yeah i
was still willing to
try how's the israeli gymnastics he can't do gymnastics he won't be able to do
anything with
that hand for like a year they say i can squeeze a ball at about 19 months yeah
are you serious i don't
know wait where's your break where's the break it's okay so on this side it's
the bone here chipped off
it's just free falling uh it's tom petty there and the other one on here they
have a up like a push
in break that they're only only see in like young children i told him i eat a
lot of gummy related
products and he goes that might be that could for sure that could be part of it
so two different breaks
and this is from a fall it was a pretty it was a pretty nasty fall usually in
one children and then
young children they have unformed the bones aren't done developing it's like it's
like you eat so much
sugar your bones don't form right it's possible that's hilarious my daughter
had that break at 13
§24Transcript · 1:46:18–1:51:28
months really yeah it's like a fold yeah sorry what are you was hauling
gymnastics okay gymnastics is
out this is a challenge let's let's let's go with it when he broke his arm yeah
yeah ski challenge
fucking shredding shit in front of him what would be the challenge if we had a
ski challenge we
couldn't do it in october i guess it was how much you guys could eat my dust
and uh
black diamonds do you go down oh yes are you like a legit skier no i'll answer
this for you ari
ari is ari is fearless and he can go down anything but it looks disgusting
it's like it's like watching your parents it is like he snow plows the entire
time just like pizza
pie like this really but he hauls ass you haul ass snow plowing like 60 miles
an hour 60 miles an
hour joe i see a bump i'm like i'm hitting air and i jump get air that's why
you're always breaking
things yeah yeah in the last couple years you broke an ankle can you call up
your notes again yeah what do you
need this is the last note it said dominate yeah thanks yeah so you've broken
what have you broken an
ankle and a wrist in the last two years wrist toe chasing a dog that doesn't
count as something i
poison ivy how are you chasing it like this yeah you know who's a six-tier like
a badass skier costa no
oh my god we have to we have to figure one out man i i really think that the
direction i'm going in
with hip-hop dance is the right direction because it joe it puts you out of our
playing field what is your
playing hip-hop dance explain me this no one's playing field i don't like that
it's something
someone's already done that's why even if i did this i would have to go further
here's the only
thing i don't like about the uh hip-hop dance challenge no i like that one yeah
yeah replay that
again the the running one yeah i feel like we already we already know how it's
gonna go we know how it's
gonna go dominate yeah you're gonna talk shit because we would just track miles
is that what
we would do right yes we get the rocks we already know how it's gonna go yeah
so that's that's wait
wait how do you guys think it's gonna go no there's no thinking we already know
how it's gonna go thank
you nope psycho over here would do yeah he'd log like 2100 miles everyone's
gonna die yeah and then
he weighs a buck 35 so halfway through the month he'd be like you know i can
actually do 10 out of
fucking chop now yeah yeah yeah yeah and then you'd break down and then ari
would get mad at me for
doing steroids
he brought me up at the comedy store so i was the lance armstrong comedy we
would be
he said he won there was a sober october contest because he was on steroids
that was your
introduction there was is that what you said in the main room this next comic
is so funny
he won he recently won a fitness challenge by cheating on steroids with his
friends
i remember being with ari when he realized you were using steroids in the car
and he goes
not steroids testosterone replacement therapy yeah okay if i start using
steroids on top of that
if i actually use steroids it would be even more ridiculous hey by the way what
are you a
fucking chick you keep drinking over here yeah what the fuck let's do this come
on i need some
confidence i think we do an archery challenge confident now hear me out oh my
god
we could uh how about least amount of time spent with your kids oh yeah ari
wins uh i probably
beat him jesus probably true hanging out with your kids
okay i honestly i'm for real for real no joke i don't mind the phone thing i'm
definitely not
catching on and i don't mind the fitness hip-hop challenge it would be a good
weight loss thing
just same as yoga it was like a ridiculous it's right it's a fitness thing you're
thinking about
doing it to get you actually want to lose weight huh lose weight i want to lose
weight i'll tell you
what after the yoga yeah my skin and it's probably a lot of because the booze
too and whatever else i do but
like my skin looked good i looked good i didn't hate the yoga it was very good
for you i'll tell
you that another component you mentioned earlier that was i did this for like a
maybe 12 day
stretch at the end of the weight loss challenge was nothing but water and that
makes you feel
amazing after what do you mean because i was i just was we were doing the
weight loss battle battle
and i just didn't drink anything but water for like almost two weeks and like
everything changes
the way you look the way you feel yeah i only drank water we drink terrible
things yeah oh we drinking
them right now you should see i i want i i was making a joke about my my right
arm just put in
my body that i don't want it to do he's got a mind of his own he's just like i
go what the
are you doing drinking yeah diet coke coke orange juice anything but water
right most people yeah i mean
you you're you're oh you're usually for me i mean i can get by on a lot of
§25Transcript · 1:51:28–1:56:24
combination of coffee and
water yeah i don't have coffee water be fine yeah i don't i mean i still will
have some other things
but i don't do it a lot just coffee but when you just do water though when you
just drink water you
definitely after you get over the what's it called like the you know withdrawal
whatever the other
thing is you definitely feel good man i went a day without caffeine by the end
of the day i had a
headache i'll get i get upset i get angry i have a headache yeah i get a real
headache yeah that's
exactly what it is i'm telling you not this year next year whatever when when
you do get off your
phones you're gonna have those same withdrawal symptoms no you're right you're
right for sure
i got back on my phone i was on the tour bus off my phone we were texting about
some
bullshit and then i was like i'm hopping on twitter and i got on twitter and it
just went it
it became my life right again like it just i like dipping i cannot dip tobacco
why because
if i do you're right back right back in yeah you dipped for a long time oh yeah
oh yeah i miss
it so much really why do you miss it florida will do it to you why did you miss
that that's why i
started and you won't go back to it but you drink people were doing it for you
dipping's worse for
you than than i don't know if it's definitely not good for you it's definitely
not good for you
i love that burn right here the burn is oh you ain't thinking that good it's a
nice little signal it's a
flag if you got a big fat lip a dip you're letting people know you're making it
right you're letting
people know you're strong you're ready for anything zach galifianakis used to
go on stage at the
improv with a dip in his mouth did he really yeah he's carolina guy no way what's
he doing really
i swear to god he going with a big dip in his mouth just spit and did he tell
the people that he had
no of course he wouldn't was so much fun yeah he was a great guy i miss him i
miss him he is hilarious
did you see him at brody's oh my god oh he brody at a party brody's gone jesus
bro brody passed yeah
zach opened it dude zach was amazing and he was exactly walking yes yeah his
live stand-up is
go ahead no his i mean his stand-up was it was amazing i used to love watching
him he's super
tight with brody yeah he's so out there jack my wife my wife doesn't think
anything's funny
zach galifianakis had a joke that i to this day i think is just a great joke
you know it's time to get
long you know it's time to do laundry when you get out of the shower and dry
off with a shoe
dude just great yeah one that i'll never forget where he was like doing fabric
like what's your
name joe and it's like uh what's your name bert you liar it was just like what
out of nowhere at
the improv he was funny at brody's ceremony not as funny as jeff ross jeff ross
jeff ross oh my god
jeff well jeff's but but well zach's was like touching and sweet and funny and
it was like everything
you'd want at a memorial ross just came up there and just because everybody was
so kind of you know
sad and tense and emotional he opened his opening joke was so savage and
hilarious brody's brody's
all brody's high school friends had gone up like seven of them and they're all
cool and then friends
from baseball yeah like telling all these like so there was you know you see
zach and then like three
of these friends and then another comic and then like three of these friends
and then jeff just went up
and he goes uh you know after hearing so many of brody's high school friends
come up and speak about
him i know i killed himself in the fucking room the place just his mom was in
the room dude he had to
wait like 30 seconds to talk because everybody just it was it was christ
yes that's that's the that's what really comedy is best at definitely and he jeff
is he's so good at
so so right then too yeah that's his world oh yeah ball busting oh my god the
best he's the best at it
yeah so no hip-hop dancing boys i don't know dude i honestly that i think what
you're going to see joe is
you're going to see an onslaught of people online going joe hip-hop dancing is
not a bad idea this is
where you and i differ i'm not going to see that that's why i'm so happy go
ahead hey somebody
give somebody give me a piece of pop and lock him let me see pop and lock your
way out to the door
dude like vanilla ice hey take my kombucha bottle out with you
so it should be something that none of us are happy with
i'm not happy with this show i think i i think the the fun thing about sober
october
when we first did it was that we were all miserable together joe wasn't so
miserable
but like we me you and tom would all just commiserate that was fun well i didn't
like being sober it was
weird no and uh i didn't like um no the uh the weird dreams that i was having
when i was going through
tf thc withdrawals when my rem sleep was kicking in that's when i realized that
t that thc definitely
§26Transcript · 1:56:24–2:00:57
suppresses rem sleep definitely you think it does 100 it's proven it's proven
it does it does something
weird to your sleep and uh math dr matthew walker is a sleep uh doctor it's the
best way to describe
right oh i'd listen to that podcast crazy podcast but you know he just he
talked about it the mechanism
like what what thc does it helps people go to sleep but there's certain parts
of the sleep that you're not
getting dude i'd love to now there's an arson there's an argument that ripped
either that not
getting it that not getting that sleep is okay that you're you're getting
plenty of sleep because
you're you're the reason why thc puts you in that dream you're recovering you
get there's an argument
that somebody made online that i don't know if it's correct some someone wrote
an article about
it that that that is okay to not get that that's a good point whatever kind of
sleep that came
from the thc let's see who can sleep the most in october i think love that idea
love that idea
most hours sleeping do you take ambien no no no do you take anything to go to
sleep no i'll take a
xanax every now and then my cardiologist told me never to take them so i may i'll
get a prescription
for 30 for a year and i won't use them he told you never take them so i take 30
in a year
no no no he gave me a prescription for every week but you didn't use it he goes
don't take them they
melt your brain oh my god yeah and you know what's so funny is they do melt
your brain you can tell
so if you take one the next two days you know when you yeah i remember morning
radio like old school
morning radio when you go in you have to be on on to go to the next subject and
and slide your joke
in and you remember like leaving going god damn it i'm sharp take a xanax and
that doesn't happen
for two days you can't jump in a conversation like that oh wow so i won't i
noticed because i was
taking them and i just stopped and i was like oh i'm a lot sharper just fucking
nothing so like if
you would go on stage and have to ad-lib something you just wouldn't have it in
you first time i ever
took when i got on a plane thinking i because i used to have a drink on the
plane to start writing jokes
i took a xanax again oh these are going to flow out of me and i just sat there
staring at the paper
going like my brain's turned off all the fucking scary thoughts are gone
fuck taking what xanax yeah it's a great one i can't believe i have to pee
again for real yeah
i do too many podcasts in a row where i do two in a row i drank like 18 bottles
of water i'm in love
with lambs armstrong's coffee uh it's laird hamilton's coffee hamilton's coffee
is this
is so drunk yeah that's the greatest coffee i've ever had how's he was like
what's so unique about
it so it's it's actually has an r in there turmeric turmeric turmeric and what
else is it i didn't know
it had an r in there until like a week turmeric yeah it always sounds like
turmeric that's what i
thought it was turmeric i thought it was turmeric yeah i can buy in the morning
just get coffee and take
off is that cool yeah yeah anytime this is so good yeah let's let's put
parameters around that there's
so many times i want to come over here and just do bench press come over
anytime you want work out
here yes joe says that and then every once in a while someone will take
advantage he'll be like
whatever come to ufc whatever you want and then someone will be like can i get
every single one
this year like but that's abuse man yeah yeah there have been people that do
abuse things
like i've had people that say hey man i want to come to the ufc yeah sure can i
get eight tickets
like what hey just ask for eight tickets to a sold out fight coming i wish
there was a gym membership
here let me know let me know i know but i just need this you can do it what
during a podcast like the
guys the security guys they work out just don't work out you see them on there
it's like it it's
like watching alien here where you're like where are they in the ship you can
like see them everywhere
it's so cool here man this is rad dude i want to create this for myself yeah
you can i'll help you
i'm talking to my promoter about it you could that guy what's his name again roger
roger yeah he's
great guy that's not his name
you know what this place is missing a gun range oh yeah yeah i'm gonna go to
one like one of them
gun ranges where the fucking the paper comes at you there's a place here that
does uh what's it
called laser tag no no no a place that does what's it what's it called it does
uh tactical training
tactical training yeah yeah yeah yeah reggie watts you're going with reggie
yeah in simi valley you
guys want to come this yeah i think that might be the place oh yeah i just
talked to someone with no
training that might be it even yeah i bet that's it yeah reggie and i are going
to do it and then
we're going to do a podcast afterwards so did he want to do it yeah reggie's
from montana you know
§27Transcript · 2:00:57–2:05:45
oh so he's like he knows can i tell you something have you ever seen him
perform live that's crazy
his music just perform yeah just like i've never seen him you ever seen him do
a show crazy you will
feel like what you do is nothing is not a talent like it's not a skill i'm not
kidding yeah i've seen
i saw this dude do a this is years ago this is like at least seven years ago
yeah uh maybe eight years
ago he did a 10 to at most 15 minute set and it was so unbelievable that he got
a like a prolonged
standing ovation on a 10-minute set like do you know how crazy your 10-minute
set has to be what was
he doing dude he was like just improvising songs on the spot and then you know
he would do that thing
where he would make a certain sound then with the machine you tap it and then
loops and then start
building it and he would do that and then he would just have like a funny aside
about something then
take it back but the the songs he was building in the moment were so like it
wasn't like he was going
like you like that i mean it was like a full orchestra yes and it was on like
you see it and you go
there's something about musicians that when you can see a certain musician
where you like you don't view
a comedian where you go like oh my god i cannot believe the level of talent of
that person yeah
you might think they're really funny or laugh a lot but you're not going to be
like i've never
seen something like right right right with music i think that that can happen
he's that everybody
up at bonnaroo a place where everybody was bombing just a tent it's not for
comedy anyway got
everybody on their feet like he just has a power yeah yeah yeah he's like he's
like that yeah yeah
he puts you in the crowd like if he's not talking to you you just you also like
now you're standing
up and doing whatever yeah yeah yeah i talked to somebody that went on a tour
with him like
around that time and it was like four four of them a night you know like doing
like 10 cities together
and i was like what order did you guys pick he was like what do you think he's
like that dude went last
yeah you don't want to follow you never want to follow someone who's like
really good at music
because it makes it like you just talk yeah you suck dude they used to have a
problem with that with
middle acts that was one of the things that happened with um with uh mitch headberg
so mitch headberg was
on the road and he had the middle act was a guy was doing like raps he had like
raps and songs and
things he'd sing and he was crushing and then headberg would go on afterwards
and you know headberg is
like super deadpan that is the worst scheduling ever like who booked that or
you ever have a middle act
who in a club who just stayed a middle act but for like 15 years but became
super proficient doing 20
minutes yeah and you're like monstrous thunder right oh yeah and it would be
like a guy who's
like you know he became an older guy you know what i'm talking about oh man but
it's like two
ladies and you know johnson roy johnson i wasn't gonna say roy johnson i said
his name
i don't think he's not in stand-up anymore i thought roy was the name of your
what's your promoter's name
roy johnson was a monster on stage in tampa and you could not follow that guy
really he was a
a monster he quit doing comedy selling cars in tulsa now what yeah dude he was
you could not follow
that motherfucker sam triply sam triply and him had beef because they did a
show together and there
was a secret shopper in the in the audience he's hired secret shoppers to rate
the comedians tampa
yeah and yeah i remember this roy destroyed i mean yeah no he did i remember i
had him too i had him
for a week it was a hard guy to follow you work with him those guys like those
guys like i'm better
than the headliner and you're like i do i can't disagree with you 100 percent
yeah well here's the
other thing though right when you're keyed into that like when you get in and
on thursday you see
that it definitely raises your game for the whole weekend yeah for sure oh yeah
for sure because
you'll see it and that guy will have that he'll be the guy that stayed in that
city did he quit and
start selling cars if he's that funny because he was a feature what's he gonna
do for a hundred bucks
a set i think what happened but he probably he probably if i remember right
probably didn't
start at like 20 or 22. i think he was a little older when he started which
kind of moves and he
also it's like wanted to stay in town well i think i i think it's a
relationship will always make it
happen i'm friends with roy but no i think that it was the thing that you get
addicted to murdering
and you don't grow past murdering and you don't go like i'm gonna go up and
take chances because i
want to blow the headliner off stage now i'm not shitting on roy but he just
destroyed but i don't
think he ever took the chance where he was like i'm gonna go up and bomb
tonight and see if i can
§28Transcript · 2:05:45–2:10:15
figure something out you know i think that's ultimately what happens to the
features there's a lot of them
man i worked with all of them yeah there's some pro features for sure there's
some pro features i had one
i remember who he was a he he's the story of the guy who was headlining in
those clubs for like a decade
or more didn't like breakout breakout but obviously he was like a proficient
comedian right then like
you know has like it always has like somebody has like personal stuff happen
and then it's like
family stuff and you know for whatever reason then they're like still in it but
now they've been doing
it like 25 years and then just needed the work so it would take middle weeks i
mean you know
those dudes would hurt you oh yeah dude for sure guys who really knew how to
crush no especially
they knew local references and then they're just like and they've been doing it
for like imagine
25 years and they're like just do 20 and and do it for like 10 weeks in a row
those dudes are
assassins you don't even care if you're like tired of your material that's like
i'm just here to kill
yeah the boston guys all they did for sure because those guys would do 15 or 20
a night they'd do 15 20
a night and then they would do it like three four of them in a row and then
bring up billy crystal
i'm not joking like billy crystal ate at nick's comedy stop that way a lot of
guys did they set
them up it's rude yeah they set up these like big name headliners fail and a
lot of it was like
jealousy this guy thinks he can come here yeah yeah and they would they would
set them up bang bang bang
they would put their biggest hitters steve sweeney kevin knox don gavin bang
bang bang lenny clark
boom boom boom boom and then these poor bastards would come in from out of town
and these guys are talking all this boston
talk and talk and then you got a bullshit ass act anyway you know you're just
yeah kind of drifting
on the you're just in between movies so you do a little comedy god make
yourself feel good go up see
your adoring fans hey yeah i'm just gonna around in boston i'll just go down
there and i don't really
have an act right now yeah there's something out piecing it together yeah and
then you watch gavin
smash and sweeney smash and the room is falling apart and you see these poor
guys like the look in their eye
knowing they were going to certain death oh nothing nothing worse nothing worse
than following a
crossover black act crossover like a black guy who's gonna play to play to
white audiences
where you just go up and it's and you're young you're like 32 feels really
taking marketing
classes feels racist i don't know if it is but i'm still listening i'll just
say his name
the crossover act bt would destroy i can't i can't hold my piss anymore go piss
go piss i'm sorry
can't butcher battle right there do you think that do you think the hardest
that you've like the
hardest act to follow would be like bt oh bt guys hardest okay hardest act to
follow this me and
really always do this but also the place so just to give you an example we're
talking about following
mike marino at a cop convention you know what i mean okay go ahead i'm gonna
tell you the hardest
weekend i've ever had in my entire life yes i go to i go to miami i almost don't
believe you uh nope
already no i don't because like i always saw him like he's one of those guys
that could just
at least kill the list do well afterwards i get booked in miami it's my first
headlining week for
the improvs and i don't sell any tickets and they give me a call and they say
we need to bring in
another comic who's already in town to help you sell tickets what are you doing
right now
what are you doing i'm just taking my shoes off and your socks off i don't know
dude these
mushrooms are stronger than i thought they were i don't know oh that's right
okay okay i was like what
i'm sorry i forgot that i forgot i was like this is insane what am i doing and
i'm like oh yeah
he's taking his shoes and socks off what are you doing right now i mean you're
pissing at the table
you're taking the socks off oh all right sorry so you're in miami please i do
want to hear this i
just was super distracted keep going so you're in miami yeah yeah and what
happens they go another
there's another comic in town and you got and he's going to co-headline with
you but the problem is
he's already brought his own feature he was had he thought he was going to
headline so who was it
i'll just i'll give you the line okay okay okay so they go so we've cut the
host so we got your
feature his feature him then you in miami in the heyday of miami yeah the first
day i don't know him
i've never met this guy this is like 85. yep they go to the breakdown the host
is going to do uh 15.
the feature is going to do 15. he's going to do 40. you're going to do 40. okay
right that's a long show
your life this was the introduction and imagine how hard this guy was to follow
especially in miami
§29Transcript · 2:10:15–2:14:58
where everyone's spanish-speaking ladies and gentlemen put your hands together
for ricky
cruz ricky cruz i was gonna go dj coochie steve travino and then you bert kreicher
dude i bombed
harder than i've ever bombed in my life i mean miami sweat dripping off my chin
on my shirt town
i don't say that too many people i had to bring
i bailed on that whole set and i brought a black guy on stage and i brought a
cuban guy on stage and you
like is this where the guy pulled his dick out no that's a different night but
i go i said to him
i go you i'm gonna just i go your people don't understand me so i'll say the
joke and you translate
it to your people and so then they're sitting on stage with me so i go i was
talking to this girl
and the black guy goes man i'll spin game at this and the place went nuts and i
said it to the
spanish guy he just said in spanish whatever and it destroyed my whole act that
way whenever i had a
joke i'd have them translate it they stood on stage with you the whole time on
my stage for 35
minutes and drank tequila with me that's a good move see that's what i'm saying
like he figured
out the way to figure it out yeah figure it out you're like i'm not going down
figure it out man
i've seen travino destroyed of course he did destroyed remember that set you
had with your
bombs and you played it for everybody tom's i kind of have a half memory of
that you know i'm so hard
yeah yeah yeah but i mean i played like clips you're like you don't understand
tom used to bomb
better than anybody i don't think it was good tom's the best bomb you've ever
sat in the back of a room
with that was not good how about sacramento that's the worst the fun punchline
what is it no it was
called the laugh unlimited yeah i like that place yeah it was a good spot when
i was there i was like
this like you know what the worst thing about like a bomb what a bomb on a friday
night is and you bomb
on the early show and you can't believe how hard you just bought like it's life
altering you'd bomb
harder on the late show oh and they're both sold out so it's not like eight
people it's like oh my
god to the gills man what was the catalyst the catalyst i mean he got me at it
because i remember
that i was like i i remember rethinking my life tonight like after you know jesus
it was that bad but
then what was what started it what started the what started the bomb was the
opening joke because i was
just like by the way by the way before you tell your opening joke tom is great
with feeling
uncomfortable in a moment and taking it to the next level we're in hawaii with
russell peters the one
thing they say is do not mention negative about the hawaiians tom's opening
joke do you remember it
so man they said island life slow i didn't know they were talking about your
metabolisms
holy you guys are fat you did the same in australia
dude all right about that don't mention opportunities like that first word
don't mention japanese people man i got lost on bass today luckily i ran into a
japanese guy he
pointed me out they know everything about this bass he's over there drinking
his own piss that's it
oh my god you got me for a fraction of a second i was like no he didn't
he took his socks off yeah you looked at it i was like wait i was like he's
really lost his
mind he's drinking his own piss so wait how did your bomb go in sacramento dude
the sacramento bomb
was during it was the month after the month after hurricane katrina so i opened
with a joke i don't
remember the wording of it but it was like how there were um there's reports of
people uh raping
people in the aftermath and i was like yeah i was like i opened i was just like
you know nothing like
uh seeing dead bodies float by that makes me want to somebody you know and then
i just kind of like
would riff about like you know dead people and then being like now i want to
and it would eat so much
shit and then i would go you know you have that thing like well i just go to my
act now like i'll
just go to like yeah because it was like i guess that didn't work it was
already too late and i would
bomb for the full the actually the funny thing is they made it both shows yes
30 minutes the second
show you like i know there's something to this this is funny yeah i'm gonna
turn this is the wording
and nothing like seeing a dead person on a tv floating by that wants to be
going to it's just
it's just the timing the timing's off i'll get it that club lady came to me you
know like your new
feature at a club and i remember she came up she goes man the bomb feels so bad
and you're sweating so
hard and you're like man this is emotionally just taxing right you're just like
god damn right and i walk
off stage and i run like indoor she goes i thought you were supposed to be
funny oh she goes next to
me she goes you can't read and i go what she's like you're supposed to do 25
you did 23 and i was
like i have all right and then like that's the first show then the second show
literally is worse
§30Transcript · 2:14:58–2:19:58
in an inconceivable way it is worse did you try to save that joke again or yeah
i tried to open with it
again this joke works yeah i was like this works and then i ate it so hard then
i eat it so hard that
i'm middling and the mc's like damn dude you suck like he's like he's like i've
never he's scoring off
you he's like you're like he was just like it was that big dude yeah he was
like he was just like god
damn i've never seen anything like this in a fun way in a fun way big jovial
yeah yeah he was jovial
god damn you fail like big lots yeah it was oh my god and then the next day i
was like i don't know
how i'm gonna do this man and bert goes can i give you one piece of advice and
i go yeah he goes just
open different just do whatever you want but just open on a different joke i
was like all right man
and at the time i swear to you that first show saturday probably the best set
that i've ever had
like unbelievable set did the lady go oh okay no no she goes uh i i i was i
felt redeemed right like i
fucking destroyed it right and i well i mean like the mc is like jesus i've
never seen a turnaround like
that you know it's like i'm like this feels like i i walk around and i see her
and i go like and she
goes what i didn't hear anything and i go like she she pretended like she didn't
know she did she
watched i remember because i grabbed her so she kept coming up to me going you
said he was funny
you brought him with you and i was like trust me the best part about his bomb
was tom used to have
i lost the amount of weight i lost during the sweating he used to have longer
hair and he'd comb it back
so it would be up right and as he bombed it starts to fall and then it starts
to get wet and then it
starts to run down his head i was soaking wet it was great it was like i jumped
in a pool like i was
fucking soaking wet that feeling when you're eating it's not like anything else
on earth i remember i
remember that like he was up on stage and somebody yelled at him like some lady
he's like well you're
a fucking dumb cut you said that and the and the room was like the room turned
on him yeah they'll turn
back i remember him winning them back i was like god damn i used to have some
some uh quick go-to's on
that yeah uh savers hey honey your mouth uh god made your mouth for one thing
and it's not talking
that's good oh my god what does that mean
i can't even believe that's a joke
it's uh irreproachable i would love to hear like a feminist in the audience who
say that
this thing's flashing this one's flashing red this one is too oh they're
recording oh that's on
oh you guys both had mushrooms no they don't uh usually flash he took his socks
off didn't really
do much oh look at his shoes off his shoes off i said the mushrooms i took his
shoes off something
they got me a little bit did we eat them during the show right before the show
right right before you
started right no it wasn't enough that would have like sent you to the moon it's
nice it gives you like a
little nice thing but like my palms are sweaty and i'm out of it yeah i'm
definitely sweaty is that
what is you get your palms get sweaty guys i'm spaghetti listen to me oh rap
battle rap battle rap battle
rap battle rap daddy for help no listen guys i'm serious it's either it's
either techno hip-hop challenge
hip-hop challenge physically difficult though it's mentally difficult but no
but it's not fun to watch
someone do nothing that's the point arnie you want to watch people do stuff
have your but i'll play the
part since when is it about anybody else other than us no but people to tune in
if they like it
they like it but you you don't do it for other people like yeah hold on joe the
whole thing you did
it's talking shut up the first the first challenge no watching no watching no
don't use instagram
challenges watching a whole near breath challenge you're like is he really
holding his breath i don't
fucking know well bert everyone doesn't have to be in on every goddamn thing
you do every day i'm
i'm taking a shit hey guys gonna bring you in here
what do the girls say when you're you're posting when i post they're like dad
it's mom
and i'm like i'm like shut the fuck up that's so funny that your kids do that
to you dad don't use
the n-word stop it stop it oh my god shut the fuck up dad's got a girlfriend
and you're just
trying to stream and provide for the family yeah fuck them they don't realize i've
leveraged their
futures for our income right now yeah that's what it is yeah you you you paid a
hefty price oh dude
yeah my kids do not like that i've talked that much about them well you should
probably not have
done that i remember early on he's like 20 20 joe early on he was like really
you mentioned your
kids you're like yeah what's it what's why not i was like 10 years ago he's
like my kids are
fucking stupid he said that's what he said he said they're not even gonna know
he said they're not
even gonna know i go what if people come up to him in the mall and they say hey
§31Transcript · 2:19:58–2:24:31
your dad was
talking about you especially he's like he's two idiots oh my god i would call
george on the phone on
stage the other day and uh everyone's yelling island they're like no i'm georgia
the smart one
oh don't don't look yeah 2020 i was being honest i didn't know another way to
do stand-up
i get it i get it i get it you do it one way it's fine for most of the world
that's the thing like
most things are fine for most of the world it's just a small percentage of
people that are just wired
all fucked up guys we gotta come yeah we gotta go i gotta go soon no it's ten
to six yeah we gotta go
no i think you're gonna see the online community i'm not gonna see anything
well i'll forward them
to you i'm not gonna look they block your number can you just how about this as
an idea so we can
look at it no music okay just show her video of someone dancing if we're gonna
do it we should break
dance go to stance elements stance elements and let's watch some of these guys
do it no no no here's
the video look up chet faker oh this is great yeah some dance look up a real
dancer d glazer it's i'm
telling you this is how we'll shoot it i'm a fan of this girl d glazer is her
name she's a
choreographer she's got blonde hair give her nelly nelly uh i'm from the loop
and i'm proud we can't we
can't play we're gonna play the music just watch her dance okay let's watch it
and this is what
we'll be doing joe and i really think you're gonna like what are you selling
this look at this look at
i'm out i'm already out no joe yeah right here who is this who is this who is d
glazer she's a
cardinals fan that's her yeah country grammar first this is us joe anything
that doesn't require you to
lose weight i'm i'm not dude look at her body it's in great shape dude this is
us doing these her name
is d glazer her name's d glazer okay she's great she's great she's great and
this will be us imagine how
much funnier it'll be when you do it though because you're fat yeah
do you think you can learn to do this a hundred percent you do well he thinks
he could do a
split you remember that thing wait wait wait can you do this that's me yeah you
could train you
hold on you think you could do this i could get my body to move that way if
someone taught me and i
spent the amount of time maybe not in a month one month no it's not as good as
you could be better
than all of us oh i would definitely be better than you and that's all that
counts right
joe joe joe come on this is me and tom and you and ari we do us one all
together
i'd like he likes the belt bro what's it called in the back all right do you
think you could learn to
do this look over here burt no it's mine huh no i'm not getting rid of this you
don't so what tell me
a challenge that you think is fair for everybody everybody should weigh in
right now what do you
think it should be dude you know how embarrassing this is because that place
that place like that
is right near my apartment i walk by on the way home from not working out and i
look through the
window at them doing crazy dances like that i understand no matter what this
challenge should be
i'm crazy and i'm gonna instagramable moment i'm gonna keep this this is mine i
like this i like
having it look at that look over at that you're never gonna get this bird i'm
getting it if we
do hip hop dance no you you think so you're not are you in okay can i say this
with the weight loss
challenge you buy me by the way to me you should get a weight loss challenge
belt i think we should
probably make one that'd be a great idea it's a horrible idea it's a great idea
um get on it jamie
let's order it up we need a weight loss challenge belt okay no no no no no no
no no and by the way
brand it tour bus champ too i want a marathon belt okay you're the only one who
tried that yeah
don't they give you like a button or something when you win a marathon or you
run it can i get a
yeah they do you know why because your promoter had one i saw them when i was
shut up they give you
they give you one of them erasers that go on top of a pencil that nobody ever
uses the triangles
yeah you're writing like the right way like if pencils are so crazy and you use
up that eraser boy
you need an external oh shut up get cam hands on the phone call cam hands right
now he'll be he'll
tell you how it's superior now listen what about what about uh if we got this
hold on god damn it
i had the greatest idea he had the greatest idea you break it when you remember
if if we do it the
hip-hop challenge yes we need no one's gonna be there to cheer anybody and
queer the judges it has
to be just us you can film it if you want it yeah you can't quit can't quit the
judges are you allowed
to say that anymore yeah i think that's a proper language i don't know well it's
in the queue that's
my friend miriam nakamoto's snacks snackamoto snacks uh so just us and then get
actual judges don't
§32Transcript · 2:24:31–2:29:24
know us to decide yeah you have to really make a a real place i think three
people are into it joe i
think you just gotta say like give us an alternative let's come up with
something where we don't need
judges i don't want to bring judges in because then we have other people like
then it's going to get
gross what do you mean it's a bad idea to bring in judges any judges because it
just hands the power
over to like other people in our organization too i don't want to even talk to
other people okay that
makes sense i'm trying to i'm trying to cut people out of my life i'm not
trying to add two hip-hop dance
judges yeah i i don't have the time the only day i like ari's idea i like ari's
idea no social media
for a year except i have a year to run i know you can run it just go jamie post
it we have a new video
post it i don't trust it no you'd have to you'd have to give your message look
at him over there he's
sneaky he's sneaky he's sneaky he'd check my dms why don't we eat he judges who's
the best i'll see
you at the see all them dick pics coming my way yeah the judges is a real thing
you're right judges is
a real thing but i think we're in the right direction with hip-hop dance why
because it's your invention no
no no no i just think i just think it's something silly none of us are good at
if you lose again there
should be a real penalty for how it's a real penalty it'd be a real repercussion
for you yeah
i don't like joe and tom dance and we'll put in the word this is a good one if
you come in last
you give us spread it out collectively a million dollars that seems fair
you're doing better now you're tour bus champ yeah you got that you are a tour
bus champ you have
to think about that dude just sign up for you're not going to lose if those are
the stakes what is
the competition wait hold on hold on one second just let's let's decide let's
talk being tour bus
champ comes at a price dude my bus is so sick you can't just be tour bus champ
for his million dollars
i was tour bus champ listen to him listen but bert do you understand that this
is strange that you keep
failing at these things and yet you keep bragging every time we get together
and contemplate i've had so much
success when it comes to you guys that i think sometimes you guys forget about
it what i was
tour bus champ no you're not hold on that doesn't mean i was tour bus champ
wait it doesn't mean
anything admit it just admit it you know you've admitted me privately is willie
nelson alive don't
you don't you don't you're not the tour bus champ the bus that i was on this
week is better than any
that's not when the tour bus championship was going on are you asking what do
you mean
who's who's tour bus champ let's say why it's me of course how come because i
have the better bus
did you ever take a picture of your bus and put it online yeah oh really yeah
and you had it
photoshopped a hundred times no that was my bus the outside of your bus doesn't
count tom the inside
of your bus that looked like a prison yard it did look like a prison yard did
it not did it not have
a broken transmission no internet tvs that didn't work you had no internet on
your tour bus just i want you
to pause for a second and imagine a world where the thing that you're bragging
about when you've been
called out for failing two challenges in a row hard as it makes a great point
the first thing you're
talking about is this we're not even in the shape of the bus that you drive
around in i didn't start
tour bus champ he started tour bus champ how much is prepared was it was the
transmission
bad well then i win yeah good point you made you know did you get a flat tire
well then i'm the champion
i'm leonardo dicaprio at the front of the titanic we had a challenge you came
in last you're talking
about you're deflecting okay so what are the repercussions for you pussing out
well i'm not
pushing out with the one of the reasons why i have this right here is because i
i read about you saying
that you're gonna put it on your mantelpiece and i'm like that's never gonna
happen yeah your mickey
mantelpiece can you entertain can you entertain a circumstance in which you
think burt could
beat you hip-hop make a game like the old hustler make an even game where it
could be anybody's at
this point like a pool game is that what you're saying no no no no we're not
playing pool but like
i'm never gonna be a challenge that where it's like you gotta make it i would
have to be i'd have
to have some form of lymphoma or something something really wrong with me a
physical thing but he moves
so well maybe you move like the wind it is something i've seen you move it's
like that christopher cross
song terry shivo couldn't move better than you you really can move man
bert there was days where i was i was like man i'm tired then i thought about
you
are he's standing now you took your socks off you're on mushrooms we took
mushrooms and you forget
i gotta go man that feels good that's what are we doing we don't have an
agreement yet we should and
§33Transcript · 2:29:24–2:34:22
also you do need some repercussions for fucking blowing it back let's not
forget i'm the only one
that ran a marathon that wasn't part of that month but it doesn't seem like you
are willing to face
reality tell me what reality is i'll face it well reality is ari shafir didn't
work out at all and even
though you did run a marathon ari shafir didn't work out at all i beat you for
a decade i agree with
you for a decade he smoked you like a fucking fine cigar why are you suggesting
anything in life and
not just like okay how are you talking shit to ari you know ari didn't work out
for 10 years i'm the
only one that came in with this challenge other than get off our phone he got
repped 10 years what the
are you what did you sit down for six pack did you ever see the video of him on
my rowing machine no
i saw it you guys team up against me i get it here's the deal we teamed up
again listen listen he's my
competitor he's my second place guy i let him use my gym teamed up together
okay how do we team up i
literally he's my competitor he was gone he was my closest competitor i took
the day off that's true
i did listen i i've said i've said ad nauseam we're not i can't believe we're
covering this i've said
ad nauseam uh tugging on joe's tiger's tail is a big mistake ari was massively
surprising and tom was a
fair fair competitor now i will say i am just giving up ideas of what to do
next october we need ideas and
i believe that ari's idea was i think us not doing something is not fun to
follow if you are a fan of
the podcast us not doing it like hey guys let's sleep wouldn't be really fun it
would be it would
be how many hours of hip-hop dancing we put in there we go now we're talking
about something
why hip-hop dancing not klezmer name it name it you guys want to do river dance
river dance
fuck no let's do some dance that sucked when it was invented i don't like
dancing it's just hitting
me right now i'm fast forwarding to fucking sense right exactly say another
idea say another idea
i'm in i'm in but like i liked what we did was with the hot yoga the easiest
thing to do is something
that you don't need a lot to like take with you or you know i mean like running
is not bad i'm not i
like running a lot i do like i'm running but i don't want to be the one sitting
here promoting running
i'm trying to think out of the box running is a great idea the only thing that's
great about
running is that if we did do it for the whole total miles of the month it would
get savage it'd be
problematic could you do we get hurt could you do it uh what bernie and i will
seriously lose like 40
pounds if my knees are already gone afterwards i'm only running on cement what's
his name what's the
guys that you just had could you do a marathon a day joe well i think it's
physically possible to do a
marathon a day i know you could well it would be way easier for me than for you
yeah much easier once
again i'm too drunk to even talk by the way when he said that you looked at me
like you're like i'm
gonna do that listen are you gonna do a marathon a day it's not
it's not healthy for you to keep living in this world that you've created it
doesn't even make sense
what are you talking about my drinking or my no no no that's normal yeah okay i
was about to say
say the drinking along with this proclamation of awesomeness it's you know what
i'm saying it's
like this it's not the drinking the drinking's fun it's fun you're a fun guy
let's do running
but the thing is you need to be punished if you lose it doesn't make sense we
got way more there's
a whole table full of whiskey over there and then we got gas monkeys tequila
here too uh let's do
running then if everyone if everyone agrees on money i'm in on running can i
ask you something it's
gonna get ugly guys the running's gonna get ugly i'm gonna do a marathon what
are we gonna wear to
track our so that everybody has the same thing to track the miles got the shoe
well you could wear
the rock shoe or you could just get an apple watch no no no but that way we
could uh you have to watch
only for phone calls and then talk and do it if you ever send text messages and
that'll do ari's
challenge at the same time so it'll eliminate our need for social media for the
month so wait hold on
running on an iphone we'll do as many miles as we can for the month the whole
thing would be how
many miles can you run in a month i'm going to tell you i'm going to open up
the first day with 30.
30 30 miles day one i'm going to open that up yeah hold on now are we talking
30 miles in a day
in a day can you here's the thing because earlier earlier this was mentioned
though that that part i
believe i do believe that i believe that here's what i want to know this this
makes a huge difference
yeah can you because if we're tracking those miles we all have to track the
miles we have to track
the miles with the same app wait wait say it again joe what 30 miles a day we're
we have to
track the mile the with the same app no growth hormone for any of us you have
§34Transcript · 2:34:22–2:38:50
to agree no growth
hormone no testosterone okay you have to agree i agree no growth hormone that's
okay all right
but you should get off high blood pressure medication before you get on
anything
but you should kill yourself first and then figure out the rest
yeah you really shouldn't yeah you shouldn't be as large as you are hold on you
got all the way
down to like 2 12 or something like that what did you weigh i have an impulse
problem
what did you guys weigh at the end of that first year challenge what did you
get up to on this
tour tom 500 pounds you're such a cunt no i'm asking i tell you a secret it's
not a secret
what are you talking about it's not a secret don't act like i'm the ball tossing
a picture
showed it it was such a disgusting picture of bert and bert goes it was a shellfish
reaction in denmark
shellfish reaction in denmark that's hilarious hold on okay wait wait okay here's
the way now
this is important for the challenge so we all i think we all have to track the
miles the same way
right this is is there going to be a stipulation that these miles can only be
tracked outdoors on
pavement yes because um if you're on a treadmill if it's gps treadmill is not
going to show anything
on gps it has to be movement okay okay is there a speed we're talking about no
no we can't just
distance run versus walk there's a nap i saw recently that tracks walking and
you're you know
it takes a lot longer to walk a mile than to run a mile you can walk all day
that's fun because you
know you should be if you're tired and you're running and you want to walk for
a mile that's
fine you remember the silver lake walker all distance walk around silver lake
do you remember
that guy no silver lake walker this dude looked like a lizard he just walked
around silver lake
dude he would walk i'm not kidding you was all from yeah from like 6 a.m and
you would see him
at 8 p.m was he schizophrenic he was a doctor um yes see there was like a
little scandal or he died in
this hot tub so we you would see this guy in a hot tub yes somewhere there he
is that was the guy
that's him so he would just walk around trying to sling dick i don't know what
guy slings dick and
he would hold the newspaper i used to see this dude oh and he walked around
like that yes all day
he killed himself and he would read oh he would read did it say that it said
click on that lower
picture again it said he killed himself look at that killed himself yeah oh my
god that's
wow this has killed himself la coroner concludes yeah so yeah there but that
wasn't initially the
the report about the story story that it was a mystery how this guy had died
well there was a
mystery solved yeah i guess that's the funny thing about about rumors yeah yeah
can i tell especially
we're like well who says oh the corner okay yeah i know all right nice toenails
can i worry oh thanks
i like what you did there can i tell you this i was late i was late to the
stand yeah they're pretty
he has his toenails painted they're all pretty he's got like it's really
beautiful i'll take a
picture with kathleen and uh kathleen madigan no mcgee mcgee yeah in calgary uh
can i just tell you
this i was late for the stand this was like about a year ago when the stand was
still open and i was
like fuck and i started running i was at second i was at 16th street and second
avenue i started running
and eventually i was like i was out of steam i had to like stop and when i
stopped i was at 16th street
not yet to third avenue so i i tire out under a block so but that's just
enjoying the idea of
going into this and just starting to run up here's the thing you know how last
year i don't know why
you took you got into like a zone you got into a zone you have a runner's body
dude he thought he's
gonna win at one point you have a runner's body there was a there was a moment
somewhere around week
when you said i gotta go no when you said i gotta go hunting i'm offline for a
second i was like oh i'm
close yeah i had to go hunting for but i shot an elk on the second day that's
right so you came back
well we have been a little more like you think it would have been a little
easier on us if you had
hunted for five days yeah but i was wearing my thing yeah so i was hiking i was
i got 600 points
one day he was working out hiking yeah he wasn't no no i know you're hiking man
your heart rate didn't
you do to fuck up you're going to came back from hunting you did more than that
is what i'm saying
crazy yeah guys can you just put yourself a thousand in a day on one day it's
gonna happen yeah i did 900
and then i came in here and worked out for another hour after i was done so i
did i was i was hurting
that last day can you guys remember okay october 18th you wait you're gonna
wake up yeah and you go
fuck i have to just run a bunch now yeah oh and christina's like let's hang out
make no i know i
§35Transcript · 2:38:50–2:43:25
know dude i know yeah it's not gonna be a bad month it's a bad month and you're
all gonna die
i'm cool with it there's that too what place do you think you'll come in
probably first second
first second first first or second yeah one of the other i mean probably first
but um maybe second
if something spectacular that seems outrageous that i'm gonna be getting on
growth right
grow okay how about this right now i'd love to do growth i gotta go you should
definitely do that
but before you do that you should definitely lose some weight you shouldn't
just get on stuff you
should stop drinking so much speaking as a person you know what that's going to
be easy to do what
australia you're not going to drink at all oh my god when you're over there you
definitely won't
drink i mean they don't even like drinking in australia no man they'll set a
good example
dog they don't accept you're not drinking those people go hard over there maybe
you're not doing
this cut up coke we're doing tonight but you're for sure drinking yeah you're
gonna have to do
shoeys over there you're gonna have to drink beer do you ever see me do the
shoe on tv i don't even
want to know you just pull up bird's shoe it's a beautiful picture oh you've
seen it you've seen it
yeah yeah yeah um i like running i just uh i'm cool with it and i'm cool with i'm
cool with no
social media you're letting him talk you're into his own thing again yeah by
the way i'm the only
one that came up with an idea that was i thought it was i jumped on board with
it man i think it's a
good idea i told you i like it terrible idea i like it i like the hip-hop i do
like it in terms of
none of us have any experience that's the fun part with it you can't bring that's
great the judging
part is a true problem it's a real problem it's it's an untenable issue you're
going to bring in
these people and they're going to go the reason why i thought bert won get the
out of here you're
right about that get the out of here i see working for a different starting
point so i gave him extra
points for that fuck you bert fuck you you can't win like that if you're going
to win it's going to be
you have to win and that's what you're scared of you're scared of if we do this
straight up
running thing in something burr wins for sure sure definitely 100 i love that
you have a
line into my brain where you you can tell you can see what gets my heart rate i
can see anxiety
forming i could see it forming in the air above you here's the order if we do
the running thing
go ahead you get first okay your promoter gets second what's his name get third
what's the promoter's name again what's his name the one guy the only use the
only
i came in here today thinking i was gonna tell you guys like i'm out really it's
too much you're doing
it you're doing it shut up all right we did mushrooms you can't go you are
doing you guys
doing mushrooms for the show might have been the best way to start this show
feels good
i'm gonna have to do that november it's like my whole body's tingly it's like a
nice mushroom high
it's like it's it makes you realize what you really like about mushrooms i got
november 3rd off are we
are we gonna do a gig together the four of us yes i can't with you i won't be
here where you're gonna
be what the i fly back in november november 4th and i'm in new york all week
you know what we should
do you're what let's go to new york all week we could you know two people down
okay are you still
doing winters out here you're still doing the winner i could do a new york show
i could do a new
york show new york show i know a venue what do you know a venue in new york you
can find us a venue
place can you suggest a place jesus christ so are you not coming out this way
at all uh no i i yeah
i come you know what would be fun if we decide like the four of us decided to
do a destination
yeah like um some crazy i was just thinking in vegas but that's not like really
a destination
no like saskatoon you know we should do summer we should do some
shit that's like that you don't normally hit on a tour like somewhere in wyoming
yeah you know what i mean or idaho yeah yeah yeah yeah i do boise city i do boise
i love boise
i love boise yeah boise is amazing um maybe we could do something in like um
i saw a guy in boise break his ankle yeah mexico or new mexico no not mexico mexico
bro
new mexico i had uh ed calderon on the podcast the other day that's where i got
this mexican
yeah oh yeah he's super mexican he's a border patrol guys he was describing uh
the whole cartel
wars and how it all went down wild and it all was happening right when he
signed up to be a cop
and he basically became a paramilitary operator like jesus just trying to deal
with that was going
down the border don't try to take that i need to space it out so it's crumpled
up trying to get
you greedy about montana you know what it is montana is cool are we talking
about the destination just
§36Transcript · 2:43:25–2:47:42
for us to hang out for the weekend show to do it we'll do a show and hang out
yeah are we saying
november is a november date november there's no point no no yeah there's no
reason to go there
in november whoo all right unless you like skiing well that's what people go
there for yeah november
is the season already sure yeah for sure meet tommy in new york dude yeah yeah
yeah yeah hey
it's snowing in big sky saturday you're gonna be there anyway saturday it's
snowing in big sky
he's gonna be there that weekend anyway in november new york yeah i'm gonna be
in new york and i got
november 3rd off is my only weekend off from stand-up all fall great right
after that weekend
you come back we'll hang out in new york and by the way we could just do a
comedy club too who gives
a yeah that might be really fun man it's a book a club we could charge so much
we could charge the
normal amount of birth charges usually
listen i know how much are you charging people to shake your hand yeah have
your promoter i've never
charged anything to shake my hand you don't do that anymore i've never charged
for a meet and greet in
my entire life that's fair he's out i've never once i i do i do a raffle i'm
mocking people
that do that it's gross i think it's gross too but but you know what teach his
own i have friends
that do it i get it are we agreeing on running is that really going to be it jesus
christ this is
what we did last time we got time we have plenty of time now is we don't have
to agree to something dumb
just because it's like oh time is running out of the podcast okay that's how i
like running hip-hop
dancing and obviously my idea of you guys are for sure fighting it's weird like
yeah let's let's
ruminate we'll leave this right here for every show i do from knowing i like it
look it's so pretty
bert huh would you do running he got hypnotized by the belt he did you see that
it's like gollum
it's a beautiful man he wants it who made that who made that job um what is the
company that made it
pro-am belts pro-am belt they did a great job can you add an add-on that shows
a bunch of pills
on the side because you just have no weed no booze like that's all there is i
think you just try to
keep it clean keep it clean it looks nice it looks nice it looks nice you're
gonna have it bro you're
gonna have it november 1st for sure listen i'm i'm well aware of the training
that needs to go into this
if we do running no i personally think something sillier would be benefit us
but i'm cool with
whatever you guys pick because you're happy coming in last with no consequences
learn how to board
are you are you saying you'll win either way no matter what it is he just comes
in last it doesn't
matter that's the thing he talks all this he riles you up and i'm saying this
as a guy who won
it's not it's not it's not right wait do wait how about the million dollar payout
yeah are you gonna
do the million dollar it's not right what you do is not right you it's not
right it's like fake
bragging it's not cool bullshit i believe in my own fucking abilities that's
the truth that's horrific
i believe in my own that's the most horrific thing you said i believe in my own
abilities i believe in
myself if las vegas will open the action on this this year which we might be
able to get them to do
i'll i i know i'm betting on how many things be honest you bet on him to win a
running challenge
oh yeah he does run every day he's going to run today he's got seven miles not
three wins seven
miles four three seven on jesus christ on that fucking bullshit fucking running
machine you gave me
that thing's awesome right god it's so hard air runner the air runners assault
runner i used to hate it
now i like it the good thing is that's going to get you in shape for the real
running that you have to
do when you come in last oh man because that is harder than actually wait wait
wait those things
are harder than running it's like 15 or 13 how do you think he'll do come in
second again you think
so yeah no way yeah he'll come in second he'll get crazy you're doing the thing
you're kind of doing
the opposite thing i know ari better than you guys know ari because ari and i
have done jiu-jitsu
together so i know how competitive he gets like when you're when you're
fighting for your life
which is what you're doing when you're doing jiu-jitsu you know what a guy's
got inside of him
ari's fear is a little savage but your life and running is a little different
no no no no no it's
his mind that's why i knew i knew he was going to come in second i knew he was
going to come in
second when we did this sober october thing i was just yeah it's too fun
running i'm cool he gets
crazy with stuff let's go i'm gonna change my brain i'll switch it over let's
go unlike you burt
he doesn't you know he doesn't give up i don't oh oh oh he doesn't now you
gotta feel it oh my
god here he doesn't fold this is already set up what i feel like the only thing
§37Transcript · 2:47:42–2:52:32
that's not settled
but you know that's true right that's not good for you what's that good it's
not good to talk
shit and then talk shit never back it up yeah listen talk shit and then just
just to slump wait what is
i am connor mcgregor now sometimes you talk shit and you lose because you also
have a one in three
years like connor sometimes you talk shit and you lose okay what's the birth
punishment you just said
i'm connor mcgregor when connor mcgregor knocked out jose aldo with one connor
mcgregor was going to
pick one person on this podcast to get behind who do you think it would be be
real it's me
seems weird he connor mcgregor would be like that's my guy i'll bet money i'll
tell you what he would
do then can i tell you what he would do let's see this is what connor would
thank god i'm on mushrooms
if there was a if there was an audience he would get them all going about how
it's you and then when
it's like press the button to vote right then he would go joe he's a showman he's
betting on rogan
if he's talking about your showmanship he likes you but just like him do you
think he would lose
money just because he likes that you get drunk yeah that's a good point it's a
good question he
he loses money because he loves that you brag and then fall down and then get
back up get back up
this is the sound of a man who doesn't think with his liver yeah i think with
my heart burt what is the
punishment but i'm saying let's say let's start with you you come in last what
is the punishment
yeah for coming in last for coming in last name it a million dollars he's so
happy right now he's so
happy thinking about coming in last i can't even wrap my head around coming in
last he's thinking about
no he's happy he's looking forward to it he's looking forward to being
comfortable he's looking
forward to coming in last in front of a fireplace curled up no no no name it it's
not a million
dollars name it look at him dude this whatever is wrong with me whatever got me
into comedy all
the things that are wrong with me this is the base of it right here i sent my
therapist on there what
does that mean because i because contests i believe i genuinely
oh i genuinely believe in myself in this moment but that's great i genuinely
believe in myself i
believe that you do that i do i believe that you believe in yourself yeah 100
100 and i think you
also know on some level you're coming forth in anything i don't know about
coming forth but i'll
tell you i'll be i'll be very honest yeah please as much as i believe in myself
i know there's something
wrong with joe i know that ari has this i have no interest in lue garrick's
disease
that's already a disease that's already a disease whatever it is mickey mantle
yeah and i know that tom is going to call me on the last day and go hey you're
done running right
i mean you're not going to throw me under the bus on this one
is that what you did on the last day i called him but i called him on a
treadmill
i called him on a treadmill from the gym and i was like i was moving i was like
right are you doing
he was like man i swear to you and then i he's like i said to him he goes i'm
with my family right
now i'm with my kids and i heard like kids laughing and he's like we're hosting
a thing i stayed on
that trip i was like i still on some part of my mind doesn't believe you i didn't
believe so i stayed
on i stayed on and he goes i swear to you i'm done and i stayed in that gym
probably 40 minutes he
still put up good numbers that day but i did go like i couldn't do it it was a
weird thing i got
on a plane that day i didn't tell you guys i got i flew across the country that
yeah no you didn't
tell me did i tell you that yes so i was like what i loved about it what i
loved about it is that we
were seeing everybody's numbers yeah he's high on mushrooms no but i'm just
thinking about this it's
like can't we start slow and have like all right you did five miles call for
the day it's you maxed out
no that's not that's not how it's gonna work we're going to the dark place here's
what i'm well aware of
i'm gonna give you the cards in my hand right now i've run uh 26 miles in a day
yeah and i know that
joe's first day of running 26 miles is going to put him back for a couple it's
really hard to go
right into that no so now he's gonna train ahead of time yeah i know i know
start on october 1st you
moron no i know i know i know i know but i know for a fact right now but i know
i'm gonna leave this
place and start if we make it if that's the agreement i'm gonna get down to 180
pounds i'm
gonna lose 20 what are you right now 200. you can do that yes no but i mean
like like in your head
if you lost 20 pounds it's already done yeah i'm gonna lose 20 pounds and i'm
gonna run i'm gonna start
off like with 10. i'll do like 10 every other day and then by the time october
ramps around
i'll be doing a marathon a day it's gonna suck it's gonna suck you think you'll
do that every day
§38Transcript · 2:52:32–2:57:05
yeah i'm gonna have to i'm gonna have to show bert what the is up then i'm not
gonna talk to him
anymore i don't like how the end of the month no no no no if it lasts i'm gonna
block his number
i'm just like i can't do this anymore that's why we should do hip-hop dance hip-hop
dance
hip-hop dance is so much more fun all right this shouldn't be fun i gotta pee
if this shouldn't be
fun it shouldn't be fun it should be terrifying last year was terrifying i'm
saying is if i come in last
this year and there's all these fucking repercussions and then he came in last
and had
nothing wrong with that right it's super unfair it's unfair you're right right
no no someone should
punish you you should be punished burt wait why do i get punished because you
can't come in and last
so give me a punishment i'm cool with no we can't you can't eat your own
punishment
eat your own shit how much spoonful jesus christ can you eat your own shit what
happens i don't know
dude why don't you just give us each 300 grand and it's settled yeah
fuck can i just say that i'm going to be columbus next weekend so you may as
well come out
see me at the funny bone i love that place yeah the new one's even bigger right
yeah but don't do
shrooms when you come to see my show just don't do it's such a great club columbus
yeah it's a great
club it's a great town for stand-up too it's not as good as the met july 27th
in philly oh my god i'm
announcing a shitload of dates tomorrow are you really yeah now some no i can't
i don't know where
i'm going cardiff wales june 25th for ari shaffir ari shaffir.com all of them
will be announced
tomorrow i'll put it but i'm i got some dates coming let's do your pre-sales oh
there's um there's
still 100 tickets left for chicago this weekend too where you're in chicago
some arena jesus man dude
rogan and i were in chicago eating salads and they were like this is super
sweet the salad and then we
asked some lady we're like because we couldn't believe it we're like did you
put sugar on the
salad she was like is it too sweet for you like why would you put any sugar on
a salad and we looked
around the thinnest person looked like bert it was like everybody there was
massive they love that fat
deep dish pizza those are hearty midwest folk yeah i love chicago yeah i love
chicago yeah but they
put sugar on their salad sugar in the salad for one moment take a break nope
get into it for you want
extra pop with your pop yeah you want more sugar on your salad sugar what are
you playing there a
massive place huh yeah some big ass place damn is it different than this well
like how different is
it than the store it's different yeah explain to people the difference between
a small hundred seat
room to a five six thirteen thousand but here's the problem is the same
material you're going to put on a
special yeah so when you deliver to six thousand people realize you're
delivering to one person on the
couch is it like do you it's different kind of show do you find yourself
talking louder or like
stuff like that it's different i mean if you're there it's fun but i don't
think it would translate
correctly if you're at home and that's one of the reasons why i think uh like i
did my last one at
the wilbur which is pretty tight it's like three comedy clubs stacked on top of
each other it's 1100 seats
but it's pretty intimate like the people are on top of you i think that's how
you're supposed to do comedy
at a special because specials it's hard to be in that room and i i've been
saying this i don't see
if you agree with me um i think that a special is only at its best like maybe
80 percent of what it's
like to actually be in the room because you miss the feeling of being in the
crowd and yeah i try to get
my shoots and i haven't ever got as close as possible to a lot of experience
but you can see a show at a
mexican restaurant on a tuesday with a bunch of amateurs and you'll laugh you'll
laugh harder than
watching any of our specials alone in your apartment yeah comedy has you really
it being there live yeah
it's amazing what makes it i think i think a lot of comics mess up and they do
their special for the
room and they go like oh what's up what's up here the place i'm at you say that
though but cat williams
the best part of his special was the 10 minutes he did on tallahassee or jackson
jackson i would
hard disagree that was a big cat williams fan that i love that he was doing
stuff but we talked about
that about doing it not for the room you gotta do it for the people you don't
shoot a special for
jackson but it is weird though you guys especially are doing these massive
these massive massive rooms
but then when people are going to see your special yeah almost all of them are
watching like in a
really tiny i'm not doing my special in a big room i'm doing it's like less
than a thousand i'm thinking
of doing mine at the ice house i've been thinking about doing that for a while
but i'm pretty far out
of doing a special i'm at least a year away from even thinking about it i think
§39Transcript · 2:57:05–3:01:05
the most important
thing about doing a special is doing it a place that has not seen you do stand-up
that's the number
one most important thing i would do a special at the store uh i would find that
to be a mistake
because you're there all the time you've been working this material in front of
those people
only if it your head up what about the people well i get it on the level of
like
some of the jokes are surprise ending and they kind of like know what's going
there right right
right that's true you don't want to do a special for people that have seen this
material
ever you want those people to never have seen this material the same way the
people that are home
never seen it 20 million people in la bert yeah but joe yeah but a lot of them
will show up yeah a lot of
your mega fans are going to show up and go dude i just saw him like six months
ago i want to come and
see it well what's interesting about the store right now is that you get comedy
tourism there where
you're getting a lot of people that come to visit the store from all over the
world yeah true let's
see i met some dudes there just the other day from england and ireland they
flew in for the week
that's wild stand-up stories massive right now it's crazy stores everywhere it
really is but i but
i i i'm the few things i have in my head is i like a rock venue and i like a
place i haven't done i
haven't done this material in front of have you announced it yet where you're
doing it or no yeah
cleveland oh 23rd of november everybody you're filming another special yeah oh
in cleveland you're gonna keep your excited shirt on no no i'm gonna
no i'm gonna do shirt on i'm super skinny after this marathon so you're doing
it
no what if you die it's off come on bro i'm gonna have a knee brace on
the marathon challenge sunburned as a walker they're like when ari's around
like fucking forrest
gump it's just hi everybody i've been running when ari's around you open up a
kombucha you
instinctively smell it first yeah move that thing i smelled it i got thirsty
dude i would i could do an
entire podcast on uh specials because i feel like i'm obsessed with how they
the good ones like what makes a
great special yeah anth uh jesselnik's first joke amazing the best joke i've
heard in a
fucking like those first jokes that come out really strong you gotta have a
first joke man
anyone says hi any of that bullshit fucking walk to the stage like jesselnik or
like norm mcdonald
and tell a fucking joke yeah you see it now like no man i'd like cat williams
going jacksonville
i like that yeah he's hilarious isn't it he's really great he's really great
but he um
when you see i'm being real man i'm a comic i'm not a i'm being real i do this
for a living
are you being real i'm being real but like i didn't like it man i i'm not from
jacksonville
and i've been to jacksonville and i know i know you're like come on come on cat
williams is
brilliant man you know what michael jackson had he had this this this you know
what i got i got this
i'm trying to fuck bitches man it doesn't matter where it doesn't matter where
he is dude i doesn't
i want to hear your new thoughts wow but he no dude uh i think we're gonna end
this podcast with no
conclusion because otherwise we'll be just great four o'clock in the morning
cat no you didn't you're
drunk cat stevens is a muslim don't get in a fight with him it's a lot of
people that got his back
strong open your special strong i'm being followed by a moon shadow moon
shadows moon shadows okay
all right this is a wrap ladies and gentlemen sober october we accomplished
nothing can i promote one
thing real quick if you guys have ever wanted an excuse to do mushrooms uh
there's a mushroom festival
happening in just two weeks june 15th 16th and 17th all you gotta do is take
mushrooms wherever you
are it's called shroom fest and fucking join in by taking mushrooms uh listen
uh this was fun yeah
it was a good time man it was a good time i love you guys as much as i talk i
love you guys okay yeah
talk to me again in late october yeah we'll you'll get it ugly again guys tomsegur.com
you