Andrew Santino

00:00That was you looked at that and went this is the move point break Cupcake shirt point bake we working yeah, it's working I wish we could start this show off with flavor in your ear when we get kicked off of YouTube Craig Mac died Yeah, that's a such a shout out. I know I feel like we should be able to just as a Kicking shout out in your ear is a great fucking song man. It was such a good song dude. There's only 46 What was that I didn't even see what he died heart attack was it yeah heart failure 46 Fuck man major, but we start off the show of major bummer death We're gonna get pulled by YouTube right if we did that we played it for sure I give we I'm sure for sure which we won't play it won't play it's just Shout out to Craig back, you know, you could you could play like someone else who did their version of it Shabbat even then you probably get there. He is yeah Oh, oh biggies in it

01:05No, this is the this is the yeah, no, no with notorious LL and bus a bus no shit Yeah, don't don't don't put that up on YouTube is it already been up? Okay, good Ah, everybody's dying 46 46 is so young to have a fucking heart attack heart stuff Yeah, that's everybody I guess I should just guess heart shit well Especially in this day and age the way people eat terrible, but he wasn't was he that heavy of a dude? I don't think you have to be that heavy of a dude no clogged arteries But then there's super super heavy dudes that just hit nothing fun nothing phases them. Yeah, there's some guys that just keep on trucking That's like we're from Chicago where I'm from. That's everybody. I know. Oh, yeah Nobody skinny is offensive. Well, not only that it gets zero degrees all day long

01:56Yeah, fucking four months. Yeah, you need the padding you need something you need to you need somewhere to hide all that sadness You shove it underneath all that fat The sky is gray you hear bullets from the south side That's what when I got when I got in a little bit of shape and I went back to Chicago I caught this like so much shit for that from everybody Yeah, you sell out Mr. Hollywood Look at you looking lame eating eating well What you eating avocados and shit? You caring about your future? What does it say Jamie? What does it say Jamie? What he six no cause of death was immediately released. Oh for a while. See that's what I saw I saw they didn't figure it out yet Oh, I saw something on yeah, see that's a problem when someone's internet you get a bunch of different versions of the story I went down an internet rabbit hole last night man. It's a very disturbing one

02:37Do you know anything what's going on in Boyle Heights? No Boyle Heights is LA right? Yeah, it's LA and and um apparently the hipsters are starting to open up artisanal coffee shops and art galleries there and They're not having it and uh, it's the neighborhoods pushing back It's more than that. There's a lot of videos. It's like straight-up racist. It's anti-white racism, which is apparently totally acceptable Even if cameras are blaring in your face Will Boyle Heights be ruined by one coffee shop? Um, it's not just one coffee shop. They forced a gallery under is this an older story from June's yeah They forced a gallery out just through constant harassment and they they broke the windows of this coffee shop and but what I watched last night that was disturbing was these Air quote activists standing in front of this gallery. It's a fucking art gallery and they're screaming get the fuck out

03:32Get the fuck out of our neighborhood get the fuck out We don't want you here and the guy was like trying to talk to him like you know some hipster guy is like you know I'm Identify as a feminist like one of those guys identify as a feminist You know one of those guys and he was like your side man. He's like yes. I'm here to support I'm here to support the community. We don't fucking want you get the fuck out get the fuck out They're chanting get the fuck out get the fuck out great chant get the fuck out's a great chant They put up a sign that says fuck white art white fuck white art the coffee shop They broke the windows here the coffee shop was even more fucked up because one of the guys is actually a Mexican Or at least Latino. They fucked up property. Okay, right Yeah, one of the guys who own the coffee shop they were calling it

04:14It's they called it like weird coffee or something like that and neither the big Put a sign on it calling it white coffee, and they broke the window, but one of the guys who owns it is Latino I don't know if he's Mexican, but he's definitely It'd be funny to open up a spot called white coffee. Yeah white people coffee people coffee Just called white people problems like a new generation of anti gentrification radicals are on the march in Los Angeles and around the city This is not a that is not an accurate way to frame what's happening. No, that's crazy. This is not anti gentrification Radicals these are these are rioters the writing these people have fire in their hands They're walking on the street, and they're yelling a bunch of racist shit, and they cover their faces up look I get it I get what's going on like they're they're afraid they're gonna lose their neighborhood

04:59They're afraid their neighborhood is gonna be pushed out. Yeah, the dinosaurs felt the same way So see ya so did cavemen everybody feels the same way like the world is a fucking fluid moving thing You can't just save neighborhoods forever just doesn't work that way. You can't save anything forever. No, I mean and there's nothing wrong with a goddamn Gallery moving into your neighborhood. That's crazy right. That's right right like like I Like I I see when people do this whole thing about like Walmart's moving into small towns and that they lose they panic Like I get that I understand it's changing industry a dude selling fucking lattes is not gonna dynamically shape it And if it does it'll take 15 more more years. Yeah, it'll take 15 more years, but they know it's coming They know what what happens in these neighborhoods. It's like these hipsters move in first because LA real estate is so

05:45So ridiculous It's insane. It doesn't make like I was looking at places near where Callan lives Callan lives in Santa Monica and I was looking place. Okay. He lives above ground Yes, I know right he lived in like the sewer system or something like that I thought he was one of them ninja turtles. I thought he was a turtle I can't live underneath the sewer system. He lives in a very nice neighborhood. I mean, I'm not but I was just looking in Santa Monica in general and a A regular house like a regular house is two million dollars. Yeah, but a bullshit house like a fucking normal house house Yeah, nothing like you'd be like you bring a gal back home like hey my house, huh? You know look at the view of the city. No, there's none of that No two million dollars you get a shack to bed one and a half bath. Yeah with fucking old bullshit linoleum

06:31Yeah, shitty sink with the ring where the fucking water the dirt has just stayed just stay and those old LA LA loves doing like In the 60s, they love doing like or in the 50s maybe pink like pink and green bathrooms So it was like pink tile. Yeah, and they leave that and all that I was just looking today Art deco is that art deco? Yeah, or just or just bad decision-making So you're looking at a place today. Yeah, just before I came here guys looking just Hollywood Hills on the other side Yeah, it's just nice. Yeah, but it's a nightmare all that stuff. Can you think about they're like oh the drainage? I went to a super rich dude's house today. How much is that one? Take a guess $2 million dollars a little more no fucking way yeah 2.2 well, you know why because it's a duplex they split it Those are two apartments. They rent right is that what it is. Yeah, it's it

07:14That's two one side is a door. Oh the right and left are doors is that yeah? Yeah So what LA does is they take these old buildings split them like that so then they can make twice the money the property is the property can't be worth that much It's just the fact that they can rent it to two people. That's a lot of money man. Oh my god One point yes houses 1.5 point five how big is it a thousand square feet? One that's the size of this studio right dollars. That's the size of where the mics are inside of here It's pretty close a thousand square feet is really I mean if you're one dude living by yourself like maybe you got a dog Yeah, but like then that one dude would just rent He probably should unless he's just real simple like there's those people that buy those miniature houses ever seen those tiny house

07:56Yeah, yeah, any how do I that you want to talk about wormhole shit? I got it. I got into that so deep dude I was like what if I did that what if I did the tiny house shit? It's why you know there's a show that I'm addicted to it's called life below zero. I watched three episodes What is it people in Alaska? Yeah, I love that show. I watched two episodes The other day and one actually yesterday, but the one I watched yesterday There's this dude who lives in a place called I think it's called Shandalar. It's way above the Arctic Circle Right this fucking guy lives by himself and apparently he used to be married and he has kids somewhere Yeah, his name's Glenn Glennville new or something like that. Shout out to Glenn smart dude, too Which is weird. He lives solo so low. No one's around he lives in a room not even half that that's that's homeboy right there

08:42He lives in a room not even half the size of the studio And he just has a bunch of shit like stacked in that room Maybe it's like I'm exaggerating. Maybe it's half the size. That's his tent above the Arctic. Oh is he naked there? Yes, this is saw we see his hot his hog the show is diesel See the here's the thing about these things like you gotta realize that on these shows There's a lot of the stuff they do is just bullshit. They just do it for camera Like what would be good episode today? Well, maybe I can make my own sauna. Yeah, make a song perfect Like what he'd be really be making a sauna. I don't know but what this guy does is just he goes out and shoots moose and caribou He eats almost exclusively meat. He lives where there's fucking no plants. I mean there's trees grow You're not growing jack shit. No can't grow wolves in his yard. He had to shoot wolves once they were in his backyard

09:30You had to shoot them because they were coming for his food. I see him training the wolves You know what I mean? He starts training him and shit. So you don't really train wolves you train those bitch ass half wolves that become dogs, right? That's they turn into they turn into his His sauna wolves his sauna dogs unless you're like Beastmaster You have like a special bracelet you walk to the forest. They all follow you They kind of wanted to be that right? Remember Beastmaster? Yeah, remember that show fucking dude like always had like a hawk landing on his shoulder and shit Just go like this and a bird would land on him. Yeah It didn't have like a fucking mountain lion or something that hung around with him to walk with him. Like his guardian Yeah, like here he is. Yeah, yeah Those ferrets those ferrets are like a pigeon kite pigeons in New York

10:12You know what I mean the parrots distribute messages throughout the forest Do you know ferrets were illegal in some places for a while as the pets too much anal? What people are shoving them up their ass. I don't think that's ferrets. They'll get him with a hawk on his hand. Is that an eagle? Why look that up? Why do people why were ferrets illegal? I got a think they thought they were aggressive which is hilarious You think about how many dogs people have that are just ridiculous faces off and shit Yeah, I had a fucking golden retriever attack my golden retriever and bite his face when we were on a run the other day What do you do? I just pulled him apart and he yelled at the guy to control his fucking dog What does he do the guy was so weak like he the dog pulled and the guy comically fell to his ass Feet up in the air from a dog. I mean it's a 70 pound dog. It's not a big dog

10:59And it yanked him right out and he said like the dog is a problem It bites things and tries to bite people like well You got a bad dog man put a fucking muzzle on it or something figure it out But he can't even hold the dog like there's people that have animals that they're just hoping nothing goes wrong They have zero control over that thing and this thing pulled and this guy like whoop Feet went flying like a cartoon so weak and then when I separated the dogs He tried to pull the dog back. He couldn't pull the dog back. I'm like come on man Like you shouldn't have this dog. It's not even a big dog. You should have a fucking chihuahua It's an emasculating moment for a guy to like have another man be like hey What are you doing guy? I'm like control your fucking dog I don't want to hurt the dog, but the dog's biting my dog Well, you have to stop it in some way. You have to do something in some way

11:43So if it takes two instincts instinct number one is like kick it knock it away like push it away Instinct number two is grab a rock and smash this fucking thing It's not that is thing I'm fighting that instant yeah, because that dog is like my little buddy you have to protect yours Yes, yeah, but he's a sweetie too like he doesn't he's not growling at anything any time ever right? This is a fun just got attacked happy dog And this dog's biting onto his face and he's yiping and I'm trying to figure out what to do and this fucking guy feet up in the air whoops He was of no use and not so I have to assume this dog's not gonna do anything to me right You know it's biting my I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this dog Who wants to bite another because it's not a pit bull or something like that if it was a pit bull

12:24I would have known like okay. We got to go wide berth here. Yeah, fuck away from that way I know how those things behave, but this is just like why is this dog doing this that'll be the next That'll be the next like reality shows fight fight fight the owner like you know the dogs get into the thing And then you're like alright. Well me and you have to fight now There's people there's people that have dogs that don't even understand dogs. They don't know that they have to be the alpha They don't know that they don't know how to go. Hey cut the fucking shit because they just get a dog Okay, they just get a dog and they just figure everything will figure itself out. You know, it's badass with dogs who Whitney Cummings You know, I just got a puppy and I called her she gave me crazy good advice dude

13:00She doesn't fuck around in her house. She goes I walk through my dogs. I don't walk around them. I walk through them Yeah, she goes and they don't lie on top of me and they don't get to lick my face I was like whoa yeah, no she told she gave do that. Let me tell you who shout out to her She gave me so much great advice. She was like I literally I was like hey, man Do you have a little bit of time to tell me about and she she I mean like a computer she was like do don't do don't do don't She like named everything perfectly that she's like don't make this mistake. Don't do this people do this shit all the time It's wrong. She laid it out great and like now The puppies like almost perfectly potty trained and I just got it. I saved my best friends true adopted dogs Yeah, she's one of the smartest people I know

13:39But absolutely but a puppy's an asshole by the way puppies are assholes puppies are assholes Oh, so hard to deal with me I'm waking up in the middle of the night pissing and wanting to piss like every two hours babies Yeah, I know. I know. I know trust me. I was I learned Fast that I was like I was like it'll sleep a little bit the last time you had a dog years ago Do you have crates do you keep being great great? Yeah, you got to keep in great thing. They don't mind That's the thing they think oh you put your dog in a kid. No, they like it. They like it. Yeah Yeah, because they feel like well even when she even when she shits She finds a thing that that feels like it's covering her. She likes to be like covered when she shit I mean she's a lady first of all, you know She wants to she wants to hide her shit But what same thing when she goes in the crate

14:19She likes it when my shirts on top because it's like it feels like it's a little cave You know what's the most bizarre to me is people in New York City We live in these little ass apartments stacked on top of each other and they have dogs great Danes Like what is the fuck is this crazy? How are you doing this like you have to that is a job you have an extra job? Yeah, like it's not like you just let I can let my dog out in the yard Hey, buddy, you got shit good open up the door. He's gone goes takes a shit there You got to take it down an elevator you gotta go downstairs Yeah, what if you're in a walk up right you gonna walk down seven flights of stairs at two o'clock in the morning? Because your dog has diarrhea fuck what is this? This lady is walking down the street with a goddamn horse That is one of the biggest dogs I've ever seen what is that? Mary lives in a 400 square foot two bed two bath

15:02My friend's daughter just moved to New York City She got a job in New York City and she moved to this place where she pays $1,200 for a room that doesn't even have a sink In Manhattan In Manhattan Yeah They have a community bathroom down the hall Dude, that is so gross She has a hot plate in her room and there's no room for anything No refrigerator, no none of that shit No It's a room No You bought a room It's so little $1,200 She has a bed There's a bed that sits there And then there's like She has this little tiny area where there's a shelf And then she has a hot plate that sits on the shelf That's it That's it If you have clothes you gotta stack them up in boxes on the ground The best city in the world, baby $1,200 For a room Think if you're a kid She's only 21 Think if you're a kid and you move to New York How much are you making? Are you even making $1,200 a month? I mean you might make You're probably clearing

15:59$400, $500 a week Right Before taxes Right And then if taxes come You might be down to $4 Right So what are you doing? You're paying $1,200 And you're making $16 Yeah So you're living off of $400 a week To walk around and take cabs and get food That's fun Fuck all that I mean that's literally why I moved to LA when I started comedy I was gonna go to New York and I thought A buddy was like You can be broke in LA and get away with it Yes He's like you can't be broke in New York Yeah when I lived in New York I was doing road gigs And I couldn't afford to live in Manhattan So I lived in New Rochelle I got a place in New Rochelle with a little driveway I rented like it was the bottom half of a house And like there's like a little driveway I could park the car right in front of my bedroom So if someone fucked with it I could hear it You could see it Yeah But it was the only option That wasn't cheap either

16:47But like living in the city was just impossible It was like hundreds of dollars a month just for a parking spot Yeah I knew I could never afford that That's why I moved to LA Someone was telling me They were like you can get away with paying You know $400 a month in LA To have a room in a place with roommates And I was like oh that's perfect Well I think comics are doing it right Like there's a lot of like Tony Hinchcliffe when he lived out here When he first moved here He lived with like three other guys And like they all split the rent Right On a small one bedroom apartment Or two bedroom apartment You can get away with that And then it's fun It's like It is fun You know what's not fun though The one guy who doesn't make it No shit He still calls you Yeah What are you guys up to Hey you think I'd get a spot at the ice house Hey man you're breaking up I gotta go I'm in the hill I'm on the hill You Yeah

17:38But that's always funny Because there's always one The guys that I moved out here Or the guy when I lived with When I moved out here They're all doing good stuff Not comics But they're all doing good stuff Which is wild It's good if they're not comics Better Yeah they weren't comics It's better That was easier for me Because I didn't want I also think competition in those places Gets kind of thick You know It could It depends on who you live with Some guy gets on Some guy You know You watch one dude get a lot of like rise And then everyone else is like Why the fuck is he getting so much rise It becomes this You know I lived with I've only lived with The only comic I've ever lived with was Duncan That was only for like six months Love him It might not even have been six months Somewhere in the neighborhood of six months I never lived with a comic I think He got booted out of his house though He was living with a gal

18:18And then they had a little bit of a struggle And he called me up from a motel And I'm like Come on live with me man Fuck it Come on dude party This big old house Living by myself Like let's have some fun And he actually used my isolation tank To get over his breakup Really? Yeah He got in that tank every day He would smoke weed and get in the tank And think about life And just let it sit And just realized And wrote a journal And then left it behind So I've read every page of it Called him up And I was like Dude what is all this gay shit What is this What do you got here? First couple of pages I love anal You're like no Did I really leave that? Yeah yeah yeah You don't mind if I put it online right? Page for page To this day I don't know where that is Might have got lost in one of my moves Might just turn up somewhere I was gonna say You should do a time release Like every day a new page Gets released online

19:03It wasn't really that bad It was just him You know Like getting out of the tank And just sorting his head out What's the first thing you think of When you get out of the tank? Oh it's very different every time I mean most of the time When I get in the tank I'm just trying to chill out I've always had I always have so many plates spinning You know There's like so many different things I'm always thinking about Like there's podcasts Who's the future guest? When am I doing stand up? What bit am I working on? Oh the UFC's coming up Like oh Have I watched this guy fight before? I gotta make sure that I You know Get my views in On different styles and stuff And have my ideas about What I think about these matchups You don't sleep You don't sleep? I sleep You sleep in there? No in the tank? Yeah Oh no No I don't sleep in there Can people sleep in the tank? Yes you definitely can I would imagine that Your own snores though

19:52Would echo off the walls a little bit Maybe that would wake you up But I'm sure I've passed out In there before I'm sure I have The many years that I've been doing it I first got one 16 years ago Holy shit Yeah that's when I first got a tank I got one in 2002 That's wild Yeah Do you do the cryo freeze too? I do that too yeah Do you like that? But I'll tell you what man I really prefer sauna Takes more time But I really like how saunas make me feel But cryo gives you a For I shouldn't say I prefer it Here's the problem I have a sauna Here So like I'm biased I can just turn it on And I'll do it way more often I have to drive to the cryo place Park my car Take my clothes off Just get a cryo machine here No no no It's very complicated And you have to have a license And you're carrying Liquid nitrogen Just get a dude to stay here Fuck dude Get a cryo dude Jamie would like that You want a cryo dude Hanging around?

20:45I was thinking about that one girl That died in Vegas Because she was doing it Without supervision How long was she in it for? She did a different kind See there's two different kinds There's the kind that uses Liquid nitrogen And then you stand In this liquid nitrogen And in that kind It's only from the neck down So your head is not being frozen Right That's not as effective It's effective It definitely does something But it doesn't do as much As the one where you're standing In 250 degree below zero air That's the one that I go to That's cryo healthcare They're in LA On La Cienega Yeah And then they're about Five miles away from here In Woodland Hills So you're just getting like a chamber Yes Underwear and gloves Yes Underwear and gloves Because you've got to protect The extremities right You wear Like crocs on your feet Something rubber on your feet Like rubber clogs rather Right Because you're going to wear socks

21:34Socks go up to your ankles Or up to your calves rather Like because your skin Can freeze Like you can get frostbite Like I know people That have been in there too long And they've got a little bit Of burning sensation On their legs How long is too long? The most I've ever done Is three minutes and forty seconds They don't let you do More than I think A minute and a half On your first one They want to make sure That you don't freak out You're not too sensitive And then you build your way Up to three minutes Is the max The only reason why I went further than that Is because There was a guy who worked there And we were just trying to figure out What you can take Yeah I was going to say You did it because you wanted to I wanted to see Yeah of course What I could take Did you do it? I've done twice I think Two minutes max Is for me I felt like at four I felt like at four minutes I would have had real problems I was like

22:16I was on the door of real problems At three minutes and forty seconds Does your brain start Do you feel stuff Like does your head start Getting fucked up? It's hard to concentrate It's hard to stay cool Like the whole The whole deal is just like Stay chill Just relax Cool it out man While we almost kill your body While we almost freeze you But you keep it together You don't want to freak out But then my legs started Involuntary bucking They were doing this Yeah it's your body saying This isn't We gotta This is not I was like okay So my rational brain Was still like Thirty percent operational Maybe at that point Maybe forty percent You're like you're not Thinking that You couldn't do math problems Yeah you're not thinking clear Yeah You could do math problems For the first thirty seconds And then you'd be like Holy fuck Holy fuck What if you just thought about One math problem Over and over in your brain And circulated that shit

23:02Until the end And if you focused on it so hard Then when you started To forget how to do it Then you know you're out Then you can't do it anymore Well one thing I do do Is I do that Wim Hof breathing method Where I take these gigantic breaths And then I let out twenty percent And then I take another breath Like as deep as I can get My lungs Right Let out twenty percent And I concentrate on doing that And time flies by That's what they do That's what those deep divers do Right Those guys that go to those Don't they do that I don't know Because they learn how to store breath I don't know what they do Have you ever seen those videos Yeah Where those guys they dive like You know In those dive tanks That they have set up But the way they do it It looks like they Take in tons of breath They let out a little bit And they keep taking it in As if they're like just Storing it in their You know in the sacks In their lungs

23:40I would think that That's not just storing oxygen too That you'd be storing Carbon dioxide right Because you're not breathing it out Yeah but they breathe out A little bit at a time How the fuck do you convert Oxygen to carbon dioxide I've always just Just accepted that I never thought about Which is a thing The fact that air goes in Why isn't air going out What the fuck is happening It's only going right there Yeah Like how's it turning To carbon dioxide Just a little dude It's just going in there And then it comes right Like that's it I converted Yeah right now That's ridiculous You're a big Conversion machine That's what we all are Yeah big conversion machine We're big carbon dioxide Conversion machines You learn that kind of stuff Like of how quickly Things happen When like Like my college roommate Had gout You know what I mean Where like blood turns around My friend Jeff had that That's crazy So like it's

24:22It's like your fingers Or your hands Anything where blood Has like a long It's his feet Yeah feet It's usually legs and feet Yeah And I never understood it Until I looked it up When he had it And I was like How do you get gout And everything online is like 50 plus is at risk You know like High blood pressure I mean this kid was 20 years old Jesus Shouldn't have had it You know they call it King's disease Yeah cause they were fat And ate and drank all day They just drank wine And their feet would go numb Yeah You know how fucking awesome that is Especially when everybody else Is starving People are like Please sir Yeah Nah Let me rest my swollen Dead feet on your head I've been watching Vikings I get into that show Vikings I've never seen it Pretty god damn good show It's good I was super skeptical People tell me it was good I was like It's on regular TV How the fuck can it be any good What is it on? It was on History Channel Oh yeah

25:07Which is another one It's on History Channel But it's a drama How the fuck It's based on historical facts Apparently Right Ragnar Ragnar Lothbrok That's his name But it's a fucking badass show But one of the things That's crazy about the show Is you really stop and think Well this is really how it worked Like how kings treated regular people Totally They really got away with that And all they were Was just a regular guy Like they didn't have super powers Nope And everybody would just bow down to him Sire And they would kiss the rings And they would just let them do Whatever the fuck they wanted Yeah It's so weird Fear of death dude But it's crazy that Even the army would listen to this guy Like that anybody would listen And occasionally That's weirder That the army listened to one dude Occasionally they would go Fuck you And they'd kill the guy And then a new guy would rise That's what we should be doing

25:51We should do all that shit now Dude did you see the video of Trump Talking about taxes What he said Fuck I could check it out One guy say Listen motherfuckers Yeah I'm gonna charge you 25 more percent Let's play it It's on my Instagram I sent it out yesterday It is fucking amazing That that's the president There's two parts of me man There's one part of me That loves this Oh dude I love it One part of me that's going Ha ha It's great material There's so many fakes And phonies And ridiculous Career politicians That have to watch this guy Yeah Say listen motherfuckers You're gonna pay 25 percent taxes And everybody goes crazy And cheers Yeah Cause they're like They can't believe He's really saying it But it's the stuff That they would say too If they didn't have any reservations Well it's maybe But I think a lot of those guys Are just like that Let's play it Cause it's hilarious Well what would you do What can you do So easy

26:42I drop a 25 percent tax On China China And you know I said to somebody That is really the messenger The messenger is important I could have One man Say We're gonna tax you 25 percent And I could say another Listen you motherfuckers I'm telling you man Look I'm not in favor of the wall I'm pro immigration I'm not in favor of these Ice busts And all that jazz But shit like that Wins me over I said I just love I just love the fact That the guy Is the fucking president And he said Listen you motherfuckers You're gonna pay 25 percent taxes It says it years before the campaign It doesn't say how many years Oh 2011 Oh is it Is it 2011 Oh it's old But he looks That makes more sense But what's You know what's so funny I was talking about on stage It's still ridiculous I'm so tired of being yelled at By like online About people hate him Like listen I'm not a huge fan of him either But so many people are like I hate him I hate him I hate him

27:46That now I kind of like him Exactly Like do you know how enough people say shit And you're like Fuck you I'm so tired of you telling me your opinion It's all the same too Also what annoys me is when someone goes Fucking moron That's like That's it That's all That's what you did You put Like that's not doing anything by going Hey Trump suck my dick Alright dude Well you got him Here's my take on that If it's that If it's fucking moron You're not even supposed to listen That's supposed to not even go in I know Because this is not effective communication So if you engage that guy Don't You just completely waste your time Even if you get upset at it You completely waste your time I wipe it away But I see it and I'm like Oh come on The one that gets me is Nazi Fucking Nazi Nazi Oh yeah he's a Nazi And you're a Nazi Fascist They throw these words around And they really don't even know What the fuck they're saying

28:33Like if you really think That everybody who likes Trump Is a Nazi You're missing That's insane You're missing a giant point You're fucking up everything You're ruining this conversation Right You're right about a lot of the shit He does wrong But as soon as you say He's a Nazi Right And that there's Nazis Everyone's a Nazi Well then when real Nazis come around You better have a better name New Yeah Yeah you can't Cool Nazis You can't fucking Take the word Nazi And apply it to shit That's not Nazis That's dangerous Like that's a real specific word Like call someone a murderer Why'd you call him a murderer? Because he yelled an insult At that man Okay That's not a murderer Right Like you can't do that It's the same thing With calling someone a Nazi That's not a Nazi Right He might be a moron He might be a fool He might be into Trump Just because he's a dumb guy And he likes the fact There's a white guy in office But that doesn't mean

29:21He's a Nazi But that's It's also like The biggest problem that I have Is like You're It's still illegal To be an asshole It's not illegal To be a dick Right If someone says Something you don't like Right It's not against the law Right So like this idea Of you tagging someone Like they're the biggest criminal In the world Because they said something You don't like Right Is crazy to me Like people are allowed To not fucking think What you think is right Right Right And they're trying to redefine What's acceptable By calling words violence Right They're calling Saying things is violence Hate speech Well hate speech Hate speech is real Right I don't know though See it's funny That's funny You don't think that's real If you say something like Fuck the Jews I hate all Jews Jews should die That's hate speech Okay To me it's this If you said If a guy said fuck the Jews I disagree with what he says You should say How do you fuck them

30:05You fuck them generally In the ass You fuck them in the front In the back Mouth fuck them Do you go around the world What are you doing Do you kvetch after No But I think it's like What Listen That person That person Hate speech to me Is like It's just a big huge term That can encompass So many things I don't really know What it is Right Does it incite violence If I said fuck the Jews Does that incite violence It shouldn't No that's just that If I said fuck your shirt It only incites violence That didn't incite you To tear his shirt off I was pretty close As soon as you The way you said shirt I was like yeah Leading a shirt revolution Yeah fuck shirts Take your fucking shirt off You wear a fucking shirt bro Seriously bro The only way fuck the Jews works Is if someone also thinks Fuck the Jews And then you like Find like minded shitheads But that's gonna happen No matter what But it's not gonna happen If you don't say it

30:54So the idea is like Can you suppress it Here's the problem With stopping hate speech Is like Who's to decide Because they're pushing The boundary With hate speech So far now Right Like if you call A trans woman a man That's hate speech Like that There's It's getting No no What if that's just an accident Yeah It's still accidental hate speech Why That's crazy Because we live in a new world No see I can't accept that You don't go online enough If you do it out of malice Like if you're If someone's like Hey I'm Margaret Right And a guy goes No No I'm not gonna call you that They're I Then that's them being Proactively prejudiced Right Them being a dick They're being an asshole But some people Are of the opinion That this is all nonsense But if it's an accident That's not hate speech I'm not taking their point But I do want to play Devil's advocate Because I've had conversations With people Who are pretty intelligent people That say

31:45This is all nonsense And then this trans stuff And this is This is a trendy thing That people are really getting into And some people are really Distorted Like their perceptions of reality Is really distorted And they're being Talked into this Because it's a thing That a lot of people Are doing it And so they're getting And I'm I hear that And I go Wow I don't know If I believe That people are willing To transition To another sex Because they're confused That's a big leap It's a giant ass leap But here's the other leap The leap is you Telling someone Whether or not They feel a certain way And then the other leap Here's the other leap What do you give a fuck Yeah you know If Bruce Jenner Wants to become Caitlyn Jenner I'll call her Caitlyn I don't care But if she thinks I'm gonna stop Making fun of her She's out of her fucking mind Okay but that's what But that's what I mean So you should be allowed To just You should be allowed

32:31To mock at a freedom That you would anyway Every six foot three person With size 14 high heels Gets mocked Just listen Around the clock Anybody would get Made fun of for any of that In any other way Yes If you used to be a girl Or used to be a dude And now you're a girl Someone's gonna make fun of you And that's just The price you pay For being a person But people make fun of Everyone for everything Everything You have red hair This is my whole life Your whole life But what I can't start a group Against it being like But people try Enough of this Enough No Just It is what it is Everyone has these flaws Remember South Park though The kick a ginger day Kick a ginger day Yeah That wasn't cool No but you know What's so funny about that Those guys are so subversive What they're doing Is showing how Quickly people jump onto things And go Yeah fuck them It's true Fuck them all So they're so smart I loved that episode Cause it was like

33:17That could be a real And that's how dumb people are People in the real world Have told me Been like Dude I wonder what Kick a ginger day is They That's real to them But that's By the way I played golf with a buddy At the country club That Caitlyn Jenner belongs to My first question Does Does she hit from the Women's tees Or the men's tees And the guy with me goes She hits from the women's tees I'm like Bullshit See that's bullshit Is it bullshit Yeah dude Because you You're a fucking Olympian You were You still What's the difference Between the women's tees And the men's tees I mean like Distance 30-40 yards Yeah Oh Yeah That's like doing those Push ups on your knees Bullshit Yeah Get on your toes bitch But wait a minute He used She She had She has man structured muscle That didn't go away It's all gone No way There's no muscle There's no muscle left She's still pretty fucking jack Not really man No No I'm gonna be honest

34:11I don't think she works out at all And she's old already So it's not like her body has I still say you go back to the men's tees But she still has a dick right Nope She had the operation Cut it off It's gone Holla Is it gone Yes sir Now you Okay now you get women's tees If the dick was there You gotta go You gotta go back to the black Yeah there's a lot of fence riders Out there in the trans world You gotta pick You gotta pick dude You gotta come You gotta come or go That's another thing they're saying This is And this I don't agree with This is they're saying That if you are a person Who is male And likes women If you are unwilling To date a trans woman It's because you are A transphobic bigot Including if that trans woman Still has a penis That is That's of no regard You know the You know the funniest thing Of all this is I'm so happy to just be A cisgender Like a fucking I'm so happy to not have to Worry about it

35:01I don't have to worry about it No one's gonna call me A bigot For not liking a subsect Of a kind of a Thing that I like I just like a I like women That's all I know I like That's it I'm fine For now They'll come around to you soon They're gonna get you Like they got Bruno Mars He didn't see it coming Come on What did they say Appropriating black culture Cultural appropriation You see how many people Came to his rescue though A bunch of people were like That's bullshit He's a musician Of course What has he done Nothing How is he appropriating Black culture Singing awesome Made good music Yeah That's all he did That billionaire song Is a wonderful song Dude he made some Fucking great songs Great artist It's bullshit to think That people now can stab At anything that you're like Now you're just trying To cause a stir They try They take swings That sometimes don't work Like remember when they were Trying to block bossy Stop saying bossy

35:45Oh yeah that's right People were like Fuck off Like okay Okay Trying Just put it out Just want to put it out Put it out there Just want to put it out Just giving it a shot Yeah Bruno Mars They shut that down so fast And he didn't say anything back Good for him That's my favorite shit Yeah That's kind of like You know how like Samsung And all these other phone companies They make ads about iPhones You know all their ads Are based on fuck iPhones Yeah Apple never makes a response Of course That's the coolest move Is to be like Whatever man Yeah that Samsung ad is stupid That Samsung ad When they walk past the people Waiting in line for an iPhone Dude they've always had those Samsung's always been like Hey hey hey hey hey It's like the annoying little brother And you're like Oh dude get the fuck out of here We're Just do your own thing They make the best Second best phones You're the second best phone in the world You make the best

36:29Second best phones You're number one Yeah At making the number two phones Sort of The Google phone is probably better I think the Samsung probably sells more What do you got here What about this ad That was the iMac I'm a Mac I'm a PC I'm a PC I'm a Mac I'm a PC Yeah those were so dumb But those were in the 90s man Yeah those were I'm saying I'm saying currently They don't run any ads like that anymore That's the guy from Drag Me to Hell right No what was the movie he was in What was his name Justin Long Justin Long What was that movie he was in He was in a great fucking horror movie Like a real classic Campy horror movie Oh he was in Kevin Smith's one No no no no He was in Tusk Right But that's not the one I'm talking about There was one that he was in Pull back up with that By the way That is right though That is funny I forgot about those ads That's how long ago that was I've been using Windows to write lately I use Windows 10

37:16It's fucking great There's nothing wrong with it Like Windows 10 is In my opinion Just as good Nerd Pretty boy Oh they're arguing with each other Mac versus PC Windows 10 is just as good as Mac Yeah In terms of like It's a little different But it doesn't crash I'm not having any problems with it It works great But I'm not even going to lie I'm not going to be one of these people You know like Like Jamie's a fucking tech genius He's a wizard Yeah he's a genius I When someone says the excuse of like Why do you have a Mac And someone goes Well dude it's great for the arts And it does this and this I don't even lie I go dude I Jeepers creepers Jeepers creepers No he was in that But there was another one That was a good one That was a good one Fuck you That fucking guy That guy The guy who drove the old truck The mean devil guy With the wings That drove the old truck Loved it It probably made 18 bucks It was probably Joe's 18 bucks

38:10What was the other movie I thought you were thinking of Die Hard No No no no He was in See go to his You know that movie was good That he did The restaurant movie was pretty funny too Waiting Waiting was good He was definitely in a horror movie Like recently No no no Just go to the Stop looking at images You're like a little kid With your fucking Instagram You can't look at like Real words Where's the picture of the movie Confusing What is that right there There's nothing there What's that Trump What does that say Trump baby Am I confusing him With somebody else Yeah you gotta be There was like a Some hell movie Where like he He had to go to hell Drag me to hell Or something like that I feel like drag me to hell Is a Movie about a chick That was like murdered And came back to life Yeah That's a great If that's the story That's a great story I think that's what it was I never saw it He's in that though He's the boyfriend He is

39:02He's in that one too He's the boyfriend Well maybe that's the one You're talking about 2009 No That was just a year ago Let me see what it looks like Okay That is it That is it Yeah What the fuck I never saw this movie Okay That is it It's um It was like a A witch Yep That's it Clay Clay Dalton There was another movie That sounded like Drag me to hell What is that Is that guy shoving his fist In her throat That was a good movie That was a good stupid movie That drag me to hell movie That is what the name of it was I was right I was right but I was confused There's a one with a woman Like there's a woman on the cover That looks like She's like a silhouette And she's screaming It's something about drag Maybe drag you to hell Is that what it is Drag me to hell It's another one Same one Same movie Same movie Yeah but that's not it You just named that I did You were like the woman screaming I did I did But that's not That's not the same cover

39:57Joe painted it perfect He's like two houses in the back That's her That's not it That's not it No there was another one I might have the name Completely wrong for the movie But it was about a woman See this is hard Because I didn't actually watch it But it was about a woman Who got killed And she came back And got the people Who got her I don't know Sort of like High Plains Drifter Do you remember that? Clint Eastwood Oh yes He was killed He came back to life And fucked everybody up in the town Yeah that's good Western horror movie Yeah western horror right But a sneaky western horror movie Like you don't really exactly know What's going on How come that's gone? There's not a western horror anymore Do they do shit like that? What was the last western horror you saw? There was a western UFO movie Cowboys and Aliens Remember that? Yeah but that's Is that a piece of shit? I guess you know what you could call now

40:40Like you could do western Like no country for old men Could be like a western That was a horror movie That guy was a monster Yeah In a way I don't know if it's horror But it's more like Terror Yeah terror Yeah like a terror movie And that guy was a monster Yeah I mean might as well have been That movie is fucking awesome How good is that fucking actor? What is that gentleman's name With the crazy hair? The mop on his head? Come on what's wrong with me? Sorry what movie? No country for old men Oh Javier Bardem Bardem Yeah He's so good He's a beast Like you really believe That guy would murder people Well you know when you look In some actor's eyes And you're like Something real so inside of that He has that thing Where you're like Oh fuck You know some actors Just are like Oh they're just playing a character Yeah when they don't have it It drives me nuts No I know No That guy Look at that shit Look at his Zoom in on his fucking eyes

41:24Zoom in on his eyes What movie is this from? I don't know Is that a new movie? Might be Loving Pablo I don't know Oh Jesus Christ He looks exactly like him Did he gain a bunch of weight for that? He's always been kind of a thick dude though But look at the picture of him above On the blue shirt Right above that Yeah that blue shirt He's kind of a thick dude Nah Not like that Pablo picture That Pablo picture looks like He's about 70 pounds heavier Look at that Look at how fucked that was Fucking psycho He was a good psycho That movie's a fucked up movie Because it just ends Yeah that's why No Country for Old Men Like guess what Sometimes bad guys get away Fuck off What? Coen Brothers It was Coen Brothers wasn't it? He was Frankenstein? I think that says New Frankenstein Oh he's the new Frankenstein? They're doing all the new monster movies He's got bleached blonde hair It's gay Frankenstein That's what happens

42:09The guy dies on the operating table Getting his cheeks done Gay Frankenstein I came back to suck your dick Go to the picture above that He's got two dicks in his neck Instead of bolts The tan suit above it Right there Tan suit right there Yeah Look at that That's the gay Frankenstein Yeah Is he uh I'm gonna sell you a house And kill you Oh he's a Bond villain That's right he was a Bond villain Yeah he was That dude's a beast Guy fall But the problem with a guy like that is Every movie that he does that's goofy Takes away from The great shit The way you see him If you see him in a movie like this Right Like every movie Like No Country for Old Men Is so 100% legit Yeah That if he does a Bond movie And he's in some stupid karate scene Where he's gonna like throw sidekicks Right And the guy kicks him in the balls And he bends over And the guy uppercuts him And it looks corny as shit It takes away But there's like only so many actors

43:07That got away Like Daniel Day-Lewis Is like the only dude That only did shit he wanted to do Yeah Almost everybody else does things Where you're like Why did you do that Right I mean they all Like they all have to Well nobody fucked it harder than De Niro De Niro Oh dude Did some of the greatest movies of all time And possibly the worst movies In the history of film And then he's just done toilet water Yeah Just mostly toilet water ever since Did you see Did the Al Pacino Paterno thing come out yet When does that come out Have you seen that preview I was playing Joe Paterno Yes dude Whoa Look up the picture He looks identical I mean it's fucking creepy Next month Next month I wonder if they're gonna show That Joe Paterno knew Those kids were getting molested Come on dude Of course Of course he knew Look at that He looks like fucking identical to him Dude everybody knew The guy was a pervert

43:53He was running a fucking children's charity Where he's taking care of kids I don't want to sound like One of those guys But I don't give a shit What? I remember When he got caught When it came out I said to a bunch of people He's gonna die soon Within like a month He'll die Paterno And sure enough He died shortly thereafter This whole thing Yeah cause I knew It was gonna kill him Oh god That Sandusky thing Yo so in this scene right here In the trailer He's saying his wife is like His wife goes Well you know he was He was with so and so Their kids names And he goes He was with so and so Like his own kids And then it hits him That he's like He was watching them So then it hits him Like oh fuck Maybe he Maybe fuck my kids It's insane What the fuck man That wasn't that long ago No When was that That Sandusky arrest 12 2012 I was gonna say Probably 2013 The crazy thing is They've already gotten rid of All their sanctions And what not

44:47Penn State's already back All their penalties And what not Well no no no I'll tell you what The real crazy thing is College money baby The real crazy thing is The original investigator Into Sandusky Turned up murdered His uh They found his laptop With a Like a destroyed hard drive And uh I think they never found his body I think he I think he fucking vanished The trial was in 2012 2012 2012 Okay so that was the trial So he was arrested in 2011 Right Find the guy Who was the original investigator Who uh Turned up missing Either turned up missing Or murdered And his laptop Uh Was found With a destroyed hard drive Like someone Clearly got a hold of this guy And fucking iced him Because he was gonna Destroy Penn State I mean he was gonna Take down this And he disappeared Multi-billion dollar industry What happened to Ray Gricar Wow Um See what you get The story Scroll Make it larger there So I could Read it with my old eyes Ten years ago

45:47Prosecutor in Center County Pennsylvania Took the day off work And vanished Since then The case of Ray Gricar Has been one of the most Intriguing And I don't know If I'm saying his name right G-R-I-C-A-R Gricar Gricar Gricar Gricar Gricar Noir Yeah Is one of the most Intriguing Talked about missing Person stories In the country Investigators have Taken dives At the bottom of lakes Dug up a grave Chased more than 300 reported sightings From Arizona to North Carolina Dropped flyers All over Slovenia Consulted a psychic Interviewed a member Of Hells Angels And enlisted NASA technology But no one's been able To find the veteran District attorney Who was 59 When he disappeared He went missing That Friday morning April 15, 2005 Left behind a live-in girlfriend Beautiful and successful Daughter in a bank account That was supposed to fund A fast approaching retirement Oh here's where The problem was Yeah He drove a red Mini Cooper Oh well

46:35That was what Yeah Those things just make People kill themselves As far as hard evidence goes That's all the police have The best lead they got Was a sighting of a woman Who has not been identified Bah bah bah bah bah But let's listen Find out the conspiracy Because the conspiracy Was that he was a part Of the Sandusky investigation Right Prevailing theories Said suicide Did you google Sandusky There it is Okay 2011 When Penn State coordinator Jerry Sandusky Got arrested In charge of sexually abusing boys It was revealed that Dracar Who decided not to charge Sandusky When his first victim Came forward in 1990 1998 Dracar cited a lack of evidence The intrigue Already simmering In Dracar's case Exploded Sluice desperately Trying to find a link Between the two cases But investigators said There's no evidence That Dracar's disappearance Had anything to do With Sandusky crimes Hmm That's not what I've read In another story

47:26Is this guy saying I don't think it was A great stretch He was one of those guys With a very strong sense of justice And professional discipline In light of what evolved And came to be disclosed I speak as a forensic pathologist Who's done so many suicides Over the years And what can bring someone To that point It's pure conjecture Not based on any factual knowledge Hold on a second Go back up Stop scrolling It says the forensic pathologist Said he considered Writing a book about Dracar His ties to the Sandusky case And whether or not It led to suicide So he said There's not enough evidence You'd have found him When people kill themselves They want to be found That's why they kill themselves Sometimes Most of the time Sometimes they just go in the woods And blow their brains out Then they find him In the fucking woods You don't You don't He got rid of all that Do you know how many people Disappear in the woods every year

48:09Thousands In North America But a guy this prominent In his work And in his life That has like that many He's got too many trails Do you know what I mean Mini Cooper That was it He's in that fucking thing He's like I got a backpack And a bullet And I'm just gonna fucking Hike deep enough To use all my water 1,600 people Go missing from our public lands Without a trace Yeah but a lot of those people Are hiking and shit Oh that's not every year Okay I'm wrong That's like ever I've been reading People I've been making messages About this That this happens a lot Right but was it But that one was saying 1,600 people are missing You know what I'm getting Here's where I'm getting my information How many people kill themselves Outside Here's where I'm getting My information from Bobcat Goldthwait's movie About Bigfoot I just realized Where I'm getting my numbers from Because he has a movie Called Willow Creek And it's all about Bigfoot sizes

48:57Here's why people are creeped up With the growing number Of missing persons In a national park Yeah but a lot of these people Go fucking hiking They don't go to kill themselves Yeah That's just people being foolish Well here's the thing man You don't A buddy of mine found a skull When he was elk hunting Human skull Found a human skull While elk hunting So how long does that Have to be dead for To be fucking deteriorated like that It was deteriorated First of all Animals would get to it Almost immediately They smell it Birds come down They start picking it apart Coyotes find it Everything finds it But to be cleaned down To the skull That's gotta be a long time Quick Really Yeah you'd be surprised Wow They'll clean you down To nothing in a couple of days Holy shit You'd be down to bones In days Like that happens If there's a population Of animals That are scavengers That are near your body Dude A buddy of mine Shot a deer Okay

49:38And it wasn't the best shot In the world So he decided to let the deer Bed down to die Like sometimes you'll hit the deer Like in one lung Or something like that It wasn't the best shot Right And the deer bed down And it was dark It was getting dark Like he shot it at last light Where you're legally Allowed to shoot So they said We're gonna come back in the morning Cause it's 30 degrees outside The meat would be fine They go back in the morning There's nothing left Gone The coyotes ate everything Except the fucking head Like I mean everything Holy shit Like he didn't get Any of the rib meat All the organs were gone The legs were gone Chewed down to the bone He said he'd never seen Anything like it 300 pound mule deer It's a big animal Gone Gone He said he saw Like six or seven coyotes That day So he knew that coyotes Were in the area Yeah But you just take a chance You just like You can do one of two things

50:26Either you bump the animal Which means you You go And it gets filled up With adrenaline Cause it knows you're Coming close to it And then it runs And then they can run For a mile Before they expire Or you just let it Bed down there Peacefully It'll just lay down And die So that's what His choice was Just let it lay down And die But the coyotes Got to it Fuck Dude 300 pound animal Seven Eight coyotes Whatever it was That did it Maybe they called Maybe other ones Came from Fucking half a mile away I mean Yo There's this deer Yo This guy left There's a fucking Fresh deer over here It's Mike It's Mike From the Westwoods Yeah I think he was in an area With no wolves So I think it was just All coyotes Just coyotes The coyotes out here In LA Are so small They're like little Tiny house dogs They're weird man Yeah the little like Bitch frail weird Like where I golf Up in the mountain Up there They're all the time Yeah And they sit And they wait

51:15For you to pass Before they can Like cross You know Through the fairway And stuff But they're like Little house dogs They're like 15 pound house dogs We are lucky Those things are here This is the truth Totally If they weren't here There'd be rats everywhere Yeah they eat everything Those motherfuckers Keep the rats in check They keep the rabbits in check There's a system There's an ecological system And it makes us uncomfortable Because we don't like To think about our own mortality And something that wants to eat us Right But I like coyotes I like them I had a chance to kill a coyote That killed one of my chickens But I'm pretty sure That she had I'm pretty sure she had puppies Or cubs I guess Cubs yeah Yeah I'm pretty sure she had That chicken could have Had it coming too you know Didn't Could have run its miles Any chicken has it coming How about that Yeah It's bound to go down You're a chicken You have it coming

51:59My daughter's got rabbits I'm gonna eat your kids And I'm gonna eat you My daughter's got rabbits Oh we're gonna take care of it You're not gonna take care of it You're gonna play with those things twice And then you're gonna leave them alone No no we're gonna take care of it Of course they don't take care of it They don't give a fuck about those rabbits Because they have a dog Right The dog's like Hey how are you It's so good to see you Oh he lies down They rub his belly Give him kisses He runs around in circles You throw something He chases it It's way better Rabbit Nothing Rabbit just sits there You go near it It bites your finger Oh you cunt Yeah Throw that fucking thing But anyway The rabbit They live in the chicken coop It's a big ass chicken coop And they follow the chickens around And today One of the rabbits Was trying to eat The other chicken's ass And so he's just following around

52:43Literally with his little rabbit face Buried in this chicken's asshole And just And this chicken's trying to get away But kind of liking it The chicken's like And the rabbit's just bouncing around Shoving its I mean nose to asshole All around The entire chicken cage For like five minutes It was so ridiculous There's a subcategory on Pornhub for that There's gotta be chicken rabbit porno There probably is It's probably anime though Yes Yes There's like anime subcategories Of porn Dude some of the anime shit That I stumble upon Is so fucking Like the tentacle stuff Is the stuff that freaks me out the most It's weird People love People I don't know who likes watching a girl Get fucked by like 19 tentacles Like jamming her eyeballs In her mouth In her butthole In her ears and shit People jerk off to that A lot of that started off With Japanese For some reason Somebody gave me an explanation Why Japanese dudes like that? Yeah

53:33I think the explanation is That Japanese porn You're not allowed to show Insertion Penetration Yeah you can't It blurs You can't even show Cartoon dicks Going into vaginas But you can show tentacles Oh shit that makes sense So the fact that tentacles Look remotely similar to dicks They've decided to just go With tentacles And your mouth And spits flying out of your mouth And they can't show jizz But they can show tentacle juice You know what they can show? Where the jizz is All pixelated Like you can see the jizz Through a prism Dancing jizz pixelation Yeah you can't see The actual like HD 4K jizz Nobody That would be too much 4K jizz When I was a kid You couldn't have hard-ons In porn magazines They didn't have hard-ons All the dudes Had to have like Limp dicks What? It was a law It was a federal law You better put that You better get that thing soft I'm dead serious Like these guys had Half hard dicks They were always like Half hard

54:32And it was so confusing Cause you'd be a little kid Your dick would be like A fucking total ball What's wrong with mine? And you'd be So horny And you'd be looking At this magazine And you're like This guy's right there And he's not even horny He's right next to him He's like barely interested It was a law But they had to have Good limp dicks That's the trick Right? See that's what's funny You couldn't have A mushroom cap I'm a grower Not a shower Yeah you'd have to have A real hog Like a heavy one I'm nice when I'm thick But when I'm soft I can't be in the magazine Soft I had a bit about it before That the girl would be like Her mouth would be open Lipstick And her lips purse And her tongue hanging out And the dude would have His limp dick Resting on her back Like a drowning victim He pulled from a lake It was just It's just like What is this? Couldn't you just take the time To get a hard on Before we took these pictures man?

55:21What the fuck? I think that's so weird That that's a law That's how fucking That's how crazy Standards and practices Of certain companies are It's like Listen we'll let you show penises But they can't be filled with blood I don't believe It's standards and practices I think it was a federal law But what would be the difference Of showing Well this was pre-VHS tapes Once VHS tapes came along Then people got to watch Actual hard decks Porno and they were like There was like a loophole There was a loophole That existed Right Because the pornographic magazines They weren't allowed To show insertion And they weren't allowed To show erections So there was this It was this weird Sort of thing And wasn't there a time They couldn't show the lips Of a vagina They had to be covered up By like hair Right It was something like that Like they couldn't show Hustler always did though I think Well they were the first one To do it Playboy never did

56:01Playboy always had Bush Playboy would have like You'd barely see Bush You know you'd see Like a shadow of a Bush Like girls looking pretty Right right right Whereas Hustler was like Let me watch you piss Yeah yeah Shit on this guy's chest Piss in her face Page one Yeah Fist your asshole Come on It was a different thing You know but when When we would find These magazines Like when we were kids In the woods by the way Always in the woods In the woods Yeah yeah yeah yeah I have a whole bit That's based on a true story About finding Isn't that what Larry Flint's Like trials were kind of about I think so I think some of them Were about that Yeah but see Obscenity is one of those Weird things And I know we attributed To Vincent Scalia But people corrected me Judge Scalia Is that his name But it's not him That said Scalia Scalia That guy It's not him that said this It's another guy who said this I don't know what pornography is

56:51But I know it when I see it Oh yeah yeah There's another version of that too That's like I don't know what blank is But I know it when I see it Right right Yeah There's a few Probably a few of those That erroneously attributed to people But there's a guy named Max Hardcore Do you remember that guy The porn actor Yes Yeah That guy went to jail For obscenity And he did hard time And he had some hard To watch stuff Like he had some stuff You're like Wait a minute What Like I found out about it Because people weren't like Hey man This is the great stuff To jerk off to Right They were like What in the fuck You gotta watch this What in the fuck is this Right This guy used a speculum To open this girl's asshole up I'm interested He pissed in her asshole Dope And then he put a straw And made her drink His piss out of her own asshole I gotta get out of here for a second Yeah I gotta go finish up But it was like There was a lot of like Really

57:46Really fucked up stuff There's a website that bases Do you know eFucked Do you ever heard of that Yeah That's all they do It's fucked up crazy Like there's nothing sexual about it Right It's just It's just like defacing somebody It's just fucked Yeah But the point is That this guy went to jail for that Like nobody else Larry Flynn almost did Primed to battle obscenity charges In Connecticut In Cincinnati rather That's in 1998 though 25 years in prison Wow That's incredible Porn magnate and hustle Publishing Larry Flynn Wow that's crazy Oh wait a minute The same locale Where a judge and jury Sentenced him to 25 years in prison More than 20 years ago He did So he Did he actually go to jail I don't think so I don't think he served time I don't think he actually served time But yeah Wow He was living in Columbus Where I'm from And he set up his big house Which he From what I heard He had planned on making it

58:34Like a Playboy Mansion type place And it was right next door To the Columbus School for Girls And I think that caused Some of the first problems for him Well he was just prospects That's just smart That's just smart real estate Yeah It's a good place to If you're gonna be a duck hunter You get a house near a lake Yeah man It's not just setting up shop dude Just learning the territory Location Location Location Yeah If you're a coyote You know where the cats live Right Yeah That's like The perverts that got into Selling ice cream to kids It was like You can't blame them That's very intuitive Well it's like People think of that And they dismiss that That's not a big deal Like the Larry Flint Hustler thing That's a very big deal Yeah huge It's a very big deal They were trying to push this guy In jail For something that people Enjoyed buying Yeah people bought it Yeah They liked it They went for it You got a hustler Yeah You got a hustler

59:20What do you have You know Guy's got his hand in his pants Got a hustler Playing pocket pool Hustler Like they like it They want to buy his product And you're like No you can't like it What the fuck It's my favorite thing in the world You can't tell me what I like Too bad Yeah I mean There was This wasn't that long ago man Think about that 98 That's uh 20 years ago That's crazy 20 years ago The guy almost went to jail I remember going with my dad To the movie rental place By his house And they had one of like Those back rooms Oh yeah You know what I mean Saloon doors Yeah yeah And as like a kid My dad would be like Where are you going I was like I was looking at There's a section over here And then he'd be on the other side And he'd try to like Sneak in to take like a peep At even like the boxes And then they got smart So they'd put covers Over the boxes So you'd have to like Move a thing back To see what the box was Well the thing

60:03The weird feeling Was when you would go Through those beads And you would be In that room With those other perverts And you're all just like Super uncomfortable To be near each other We're all going to be Doing the same thing In 20 minutes One time I went to An actual porn store What do you mean Like a hardcore store It was like XXX videos Yeah like a shop And shit Yeah like a shop Like they sold Dildos and videos Right And that's all they sold That was their bit Like let's stop pretending Let's cut the shit Cut it out I'm not going to go To the back room Of a mom and pop store Where it says adults only No No this is like The whole store And you just felt So weird And the guy behind the counter Was talking to me Like hey man what's up I'm like hi You can't fucking talk to me I'm uncomfortable That you guys have Sexual urges You guys are all creeps Not me I'm different That's why I have to Every guy in there Get out of here

60:54I'm not like these guys Fucking the other guys In there are disgusting But that's so annoying When they try to talk to you I went to their There's one here And there's one in West Hollywood That's like a sex store And the guy was like Being really friendly And he's like Hey so what's going on It's like You know what's going on Dude this isn't Target I'm not maybe here For a vacuum orb Greeting cards Yeah we're not A fly tying shop I'm here for porno shit I'm here for weird porno shit Just let me get the thing And stop making me feel weird Fish and tackle You're going to tell me About the best spots Right Now these bobbers Are pretty good man But those dildos Will do the trick I'll tell you what If you're just willing To take the drive to Sacramento The fucking salmon fishing Is off the chain Anyway Come out 42 bucks for this anal bead Here you go What 42 dollars If we sold bait and tackle And anal beads That'd be great That's Yeah

61:36Bait and tackle And anal beads Fishing and fucking Fishing and fucking That's what the name Of the place would be called I like to fish I like to fuck That's why I opened up This shop dude It's called fishing and fucking Woo That would almost work That would totally work Totally work But the problem is Nobody buys things From a store anymore You can just go order A big fucking dildo online You get it shipped To your house In one day With Amazon Prime Prime Same day If you get it early enough This is a legitimate question I'm not playing stupid Does Amazon sell Master bait and tackle Our competition These guys just beat Around the bush We're fishing and fucking Fishing and fucking You can masturbate All you want I'd rather fuck Rather fuck You don't know What the fuck You're talking about Over here You're gonna fuck Your own hand I'm gonna have Somebody else fuck it Does Amazon sell Rubber dicks Gotta They must Gotta Jamie how many

62:27Have you ordered From them Don't lie He's like yes Of course I used to work For a company That did that So I'm sure They'd sell them On Amazon That sold rubber dicks Yeah You know who Sometimes sends me Rubber dicks For fun when I ask Fleshlight Those people at Fleshlight In Austin When I was doing Moon Tower years ago I befriended A few other people There and they were like We'll send you some stuff So they sent me Like a few of the Fleshlights But they also sent me Bags of dicks Bags of dicks Rubber dicks On Amazon There you go You can buy a bunch Of rubber dicks You can get off Do they have rubber Vaginas Or are they Discriminatory And anti-male In their practices Come on you fucks I don't see a single Rubber vagina Sexist bullshit Of course Because that would be Objectifying Spank bank Spank bank What is that It's just an actual bank Just poorly named bank Fleshlight Daylight parody Oh it's a It's a It's like a book Looks like a book

63:16What did you type in Jamie Oh it's a song Fleshlight Type in men's sex toy Do men's sex toy See if that does it Fleshlight was our Original sponsor The first sponsor Of this podcast With a flashlight Just pills Nothing Ginseng Rubber dicks All day long That's a rubber dick Is that a rubber dick To put your dick Inside of That's a sleeve That's a extender You put your dick Inside of another dick Penis extender It says delay ejaculation Oh there you go Wait there you go Male simulator Aircraft cup Hmm But look how they say it Male simulator Young girls Male toys Adult products They got Every tag Scroll back up To that dick one Look at this Look what it says It says Delay ejaculation Yeah Like forever Like you'll never come You're not having sex Do you want to stop coming Put this on It's a big clear fake dick That goes over your dick Have this guy Steve Come kick you in the cock You won't come for hours Yeah That's a fucking rough road

64:09For a dude with a tiny dick If you have a micro dick There is not a god damn thing The micro penising There's nothing they can do How real is that though It's real Is it real 100% You're so funny How real is that Well how many people Have micro penises For real I think it's a real issue Guys have like One inch dicks I think it's a real issue An inch when it's Filled with blood Rock hard Hard That's an inch Rock hard You got this That's their penis That's a whole dick Not even my full finger No your full finger Is bigger than an inch My full finger is too big Because a lot of guys Are seeing this right now And going My dick is that big Joe It's fine Is that not The girls don't care About size bro That's not That's not what it matters That's what they say To guys with little dicks They go It's fine I love it I like it I don't care I don't care Really So a man You're saying This is a man Half of that That's a man's penis The crazy thing is

64:51Girls have no problem Mocking it They would just mock it They'll mock it In front of their friends In front of you Like guys with little dicks It's just I couldn't fucking do it I couldn't do it Well cause you can't Retort You can't be like Your pussy's big But if a guy did Talk like that He would be a monster Like a guy was talking About a giant pussy Yo dude I had a breakup But my balls would fall in I'd be fucking I'd be strapping A two by four to my ass No see I was laughing Just to keep from getting Sucked into the void Four questions One man's life With a micro penis Reveals about the human Only .6% of the population See it's That's enough That's enough That's enough That's a lot Dude that's If you have 100 people That means what How many people is that Less than one Not even one No .6 Yeah .6 So 200 people You have one 1.2 Yeah That's a lot 200 people Six out of a thousand So if you're at the comedy store Six out of a thousand

65:41That's right If you're at the comedy store There's two people in the room On a full house On Saturday night That have micro dicks One guy has a micro dick Well you gotta think It's 50-50 men women So one guy in that room Has a micro dick So if you make a joke About a micro dick One guy's like No But the joke before He loved so much He's still laughing But in his head He's like Oh no Thought you were great When you're shitting on Giant pussies This guy's the best I love the major pussy jokes They're too big Pussies are just too big And they are It's not my dick It's small And they are too big My dick doesn't get in the way It's perfect If when I have to urinate It's there for me But that's crazy to think If a girl dates a guy With a micro penis And she just sticks around Because she's like Well he's a good dude Well I know a lady Who had a few chillin' She had three chillin' With a micro penis guy And decided No With a regular penis guy

66:28He's a handsome fella I'm sure he has Quite a sturdy cock Probably like an axe handle Hefty He looks like he's a lot of viking But anyway Those kids Had blown a hole Through the old carport And so she decided To get everything All stitched up She said it was The most painful thing That she'd ever done Totally More painful even Than childbirth Because they go in there And cut I'll say that again They cut They cut They cut And then they stitch That bitch up Till like a finger Gets broken When you put it in there It's like Ah It's like Tighter than anal And um Unbelievably painful I can't I can't even Strap yourself in Numb What? Numb Numb Goes numb Because like You ever have surgery When they cut All those nerves A lot of times Nerve damage Yeah Like my knee I had a ACL reconstruction On one of my knees With what's called A patella tendon graft They open you up They take a big Like four inch slice They open you up And they take a piece

67:29Of your patella tendon Screw all these things And stitch it back up That whole area I had that thing done In like Fuck 1994 It's still numb Like my knee is numb None of the nerves Have repaired No Not over where the The incision is It's like I'm touching it right now I literally It feels like Someone's stuck Novocaine in it I can touch to the left I feel it I touch to the right I feel it I touch right Where that scar tissue is It's numb Nothing Your pussy can go numb Too bro My pussy will never go numb Bro Your pussy can go numb Bro Fishing and fucking Your pussy might go numb Yeah well fishing and fucking You just gotta have a Beer can sized hog To fill that gapper You gotta gapper Tall boy I can't imagine The pain of that shit The only thing that I That I know The most painful thing I ever had Was when they stick a fucking Tube in your In your dick hole When they're fucking Testing you for shit And they fucking Shove a Tube and a q-tip

68:22Oh my god dude That's a pain that I Never want to feel Ever again Well I just would assume That they would have Figured out a way To fix dicks I think they think That's funny I think they're just Like fuck them I don't think There's anything They can do There's no other Way around I think it's like CRISPR CRISPR's gonna come Around And that's gonna Fucking You know what CRISPR Is this new tool That they have To alter genes And alter DNA Where you can like Pick baby shit You're gonna be able To pick baby shit For sure That's wild That's 100% They're probably Already doing it In China Yeah They're like Blue eyes 6'2 Like 18 years from now The Olympic games We're gonna see some Just genetic freaks From like Asia And Russia We're gonna be like Wait what The fuck is that That's a person 14 year old Through the air Breaking records Doing fucking Quadruple summsaults Over people While they're playing Basketball 80 inch vertical leaps And shit

69:11They're gonna like Jump from the free throw line On the other side of the court And flip through the air And slam dunk And everybody's gonna go Wait what No everyone's gonna go Ah yeah I've seen it At that point It'll be just A normal fucking thing Did you see that video Did I send it to you Jamie That dog That jumps through the air And you can't You literally can't believe How high the dog jumps Did I send it I'll send it to you right now But is this I sent it to I know I sent it to Callan Cause he's a And Shab are both dog freaks But it It doesn't even make any sense Like you You look at the video And you go like What the fuck This one Nope That's not it But let me see that one Let me see that one Look at the body On that thing Little stud Jacked Here he goes Boy Oh he's running up the wall I've seen this That's crazy Dude this stuff is insane That is crazy Wow That dog just jumped It looks like he jumped 18 feet in the air He did

70:05At least right Yeah That looks like 18 feet And he bites the rope And so it pulls him down Slowly so he doesn't get hurt That's amazing And the guy helps The guy catches him too Dude that's a fucking crazy dog Pitbull can leap Four meter walls What? Four meters Four meters They're not regular dogs man Look at this See? Fetch it Fetch it Holy shit That is incredible Find this fucking dog Oh Also I wanted to ask you about this Have you seen mass wrestling? Do you know what that is? What? Mass wrestling? Do you know what it is? Type that in This is nuts Mass wrestling? Before I forget it I wanted to tell you about it People like There's like a There's like a bar Look at this What are they doing? There's like a bar That they both have to grip onto And they're pulling it Are they gonna break their legs? How many people die doing this? Isn't this fucking insane? It's a lot of weight Ton I mean dude Look at these two dudes It's all

71:03That's all grip and Leg strength and shit It's wild as shit I watched like 50 videos of it I got so soaked into it I was like Why are people doing this? It's like tug of war With something stable You know? I'm sending it to you right now Jamie You gotta see this It looks like Look at these guys Are they blurring out That guy's hog? I would like that It was a hog It was butt ass naked I mean I originally The guy on the right Like there's a little pixelation I originally got into this Because I was jerking off to it That's why I wanted to see this Jesus Christ Oh they have a stick I thought they had their hand So they're holding on the stick They're holding on this Like this Yeah like The guy on the left Is winning But he's all arms Look at his little Bitch ass legs I got my money on the guy on the right I don't like the way The guy on the right Or the left rather Has over developed his arms And under developed his legs

71:47That guy's gonna quit The guy on the left? Mmhmm Yeah he's got no legs down there He's gonna give out The guy on the right is Russian He looks like he's from a hut In the middle of Siberia His whole family lives in a yurt You're telling me The guy on the left Did not run Look at his legs Like look at his calves That guy's not He's not fit See? Boom Told you That's why I'm a good MMA commentator Called it I know when I see a dude That's just Like he's jacked You look at his upper body And his forearms and shit And his biceps And his shoulders I'm like the guy's jacked There's no leg strength there But he's got zero in his legs Which means his mind is weak Okay That's what it means His mind is weak He wants everybody to think he's strong But he's not doing the real hard work Nobody gives a fuck If you're doing squats You don't Nobody notices Okay If you do push ups And you do bench press And your fucking tits pop out

72:39Everybody sees it Watch this dog Holy shit You ain't even gonna believe this This doesn't even seem real Look at this This dog flies I think that's a Belgian Malinois Flies Holy shit Just flies And then they have him land on a cushion Which is pretty sweet So he jumps off that guy's shoulders Jumps off the guy's shoulders But That's gotta be 20 feet Literally jumps I mean It's at least 15 He's at least 15 feet in the air What's even cooler Look at this fucking dog man He's flying The It's send it official On Instagram All one word Send it official That's one of them Instagram pages That has a bunch of crazy shit on it It's always There's a lot of those That are pretty good I follow a lot of them Well the original Like the send it quote You know that's from You've seen those guys Have you seen those guys That's like Come on Marty Send it And he just Like jumps trucks Yes Dude that makes me laugh so hard Every time He's like

73:29What you gonna do He's like I'ma fucking sand it He just gets in a pickup truck And just shoots it off A shitty fucking ramp Hold my beer while I sand it I'll fucking sand it Have you seen Hold this beer on Twitter Have you ever seen that account Hold my beer Yeah Hold my beer Yeah I think it's hold this beer Hold this beer Is the actual Twitter account But it says hold my beer Is the name of it Ah right right right That one is Hold my beer You can't go wrong with that one No that stuff's hilarious If you can deal with it If you can deal with it Because sometimes you're gonna watch people That are gonna get Absolute brain damage Yeah but I love it Whatever it's not me There's one where a dude Is standing on a hill And a bale of hay Is coming towards him And this bale of hay Looks like it might weigh Six, seven hundred pounds Right And it's huge He's taking it And he jumps up into the air Like he's trying to get over it

74:13And he doesn't make it And he goes Fucking flying Like he got hit by a bus I love that shit I mean the dude goes Have you ever seen a bale One of those big ass Circle bales of hay Bigger than this table Oh huge Those are so fucking heavy It's bigger than a truck tire Yes They're so heavy And this dumb fuck Thought he was gonna jump over it My favorite is People will closely overestimate How well There he is Come on dude Watch this again I mean The fact that he's alive Look at this Boom Dude I mean That dude got fucked up He's just like He's not paralyzed Look at this Boom Boom I mean he did a full Flip through the air That fucking thing Is so heavy There's no way You would pick that up You know what my favorite is The medicine balls When people bump the You know when people Do medicine ball challenge Where they run at each other No Have you ever seen that They'll both grab a medicine ball Run each other full speed And jump

75:04And whoever gets hit the furthest But sometimes people do it With their kids Oh Jesus Christ And like a dad Will be just fucking around You'll see a kid go flying 30 feet in the room Oh Jesus Christ Oh that's my favorite shit I love There's one on there That's like fail army Or fail blog or something And they show the same Kind of fucking stuff Where people will just Have this crazy idea Of what they would do To get away from things That other people aren't doing Totally I just fucking sidestep I'd sidestep them I could jump over it That's always been An inside joke In MMA forums About sidestepping That if someone Was coming after me I'd just fucking sidestep them Sidestep man I'd just sidestep bro Most people just Don't know what to do They stand there and freeze I'd just sidestep Get out of the way I got it planned out People are gonna swarm you Swarm you like a zombie Try to bite your face Like what are you talking about

75:49Sidestepping them dude Sidestepping I'll sidestep them all But people think They could do that If that fucking bull Was coming after me I'd just step aside Right These matadors They're faggots With the little fucking ponchos Or I'll use your We'll use your fake Martial arts videos Those guys Those are my fucking Dude those are my favorite I resist putting those videos up Because there's so many Of them that get sent to me They're so funny I can't keep putting them up The guy does like A wind technique Like with his breath He's like Combs the other guy Great page on Instagram McDojo Is it McDojo Or McDojo Life I forget which one it is McDojo Life Wait McDojo McDojo They call it McDojo Like a dojo Is a martial arts school McDojo is like a mall Martial arts school That's what we would call Like cheesy Shitty martial arts schools McDojo Watch this guy Watch this guy Go full screen On this one This one's fucking preposterous

76:39The guy comes at him With a sword And he uses his power And the guy goes flying I buy it I buy every second of it This old Japanese guy I buy it And all these goofy white guys Who would have been the guys In Boyle Heights They were saying We're here for your community We love you Fuck you Get out Get out We don't want you They would be the same guy These old dorky Liberal guys Who probably call themselves feminists And they're just flying through the air With their Aikido suits on Dude he is fucking this guy up He's fucking this dude up Get the fuck He leads him around And then Drops him to the ground Well you know As a feminist I'm more likely To get tossed around This almost looks like A coordinated dance It's so silly They're all so silly What is that one next to it The guy with the karate outfit What is he gonna do Is that a girl or a guy It's a guy He's gonna break all these With his head Oh Oh my god He's doing flips On his head

77:32Breaking the boards And then flipping onto his feet So he's crushing The blocks of stone With his head Yep What does it sound like Give me some Oh my god He's doing it like Like flipping One more Yay He did it If that ever comes up And you need to flip And land on someone's dick That guy has a taekwondo outfit on That doesn't make any sense to me That's so weird What could those be made out of The shittiest rock known to man Like if you pissed on it It would probably break It can't be rock Yeah It's some sort of Shitty ass Bitch ass concrete Bitch ass That's what That's what Do you got that bag Of bitch ass concrete We ordered Yeah man You got some bitch ass Bitch ass concrete I'm not gonna fuck people up Breaking shit with my head Yeah But there's a lot of people Out there that Buy into that stupid stuff man But my point about it is like There's a lot of people That buy into anything That's why people join cults That's why people

78:37They fall into these ideas And they believe them Wholeheartedly And then you know What do you know About all these new religions Like all the new cool religions Where like the dudes are Like remember I think I talked to you about it Where like There's these new motivational Speak churches Where it's like That's all it is Yeah I read about one recently That uses A friend of mine's synagogue Where a friend of mine Goes For his service He's Jewish Where him and his family go These people Rent it out Like on some days Right And they come down They have this rock and roll Sort of Yes this rock and roll church But the guy is like This charismatic Sort of half ass Waco dude And they're all good looking Yeah like Koresh They're like Koresh type of shit Yeah there's like Five or six of these guys Yeah dude With varying degrees Of bullshititude And they're all They're all rich They're all super super rich Yeah tons of money man

79:28Well especially if they can get Like young Really wealthy people Who are kind of lost Young good looking kids Yeah My friend went to one He was like dude You have to see He's like the women That were there Were every one of them Was gorgeous Yeah my buddy Had a personal assistant He was a producer Of a TV show And he had a personal assistant And his personal assistant Was She was nice But she was Off Like she was just It was There was some wires That would just Yeah You know She just clicks In the middle of the day There's some things That just weren't connecting right And she started going to this church She's like You would love it Because it's not like A regular church Like we just sing Oh god that sounds like A cult We talk about real things We talk about real things They give us a haircut We talk about real life Like okay Do you have to give them money Like how's that work Tons of money Let's talk And then you give me money

80:13I don't have any services I give I'm not really big on services But we'll all get together And talk And then I get paid And then I like mansions I like to live in a mansion So what we're going to do Is I'm going to regurgitate Some Anthony Robbins quotes And I'm going to tell you about life And then a little bit of Jesus I'm going to throw some Jesus in there To seem legit A little sprinkle of Jesus A little sprinkle of Jesus We're not heavy Jesus You know We're like paleo-esque Paleo church Paleo But we also like spaghetti It's like it's okay We'll snack on it It's okay We'll snack on spaghetti Jesus I like saltines I'm not going to lie I'm not going to lie I can't say no I'm not willing to give up my saltines Nope You know I would go paleo If it wasn't for crackers I like Ritz I like to put on the Ritz Every now and then I want to put on the Ritz That's what I like Putting on the Ritz Give me money Yeah man

81:00There's a lot of lost people out there And then there's people that come along And then they capitalize on it On those lost people Tons And then they figure out like Oh there's a market Capitalizing on lost people And they ramp that shit up Totally Proper You know who I find Who like makes Now that like Because I'm like Buying all sorts of stuff For this puppy The stuff I should have Got into Is like tricking people Into needing pet stuff Like if I could invent A pet thing Like what thing would you invent Let's invent one right now We can just you know Start it out in the front Of fucking and fishing Fucking and fishing Just put it outside You got your fucking You're fishing And your dog toys Right when you get to that register I'll tell you what That's when you're most susceptible To impulse buying That's where we put all that shit I put some puppy toy Or some shit Puppy dildo That'd be great if the store was empty

81:43And all you had was stuff By the register Because you're like They don't buy out there man They buy right here That's all we do Fucking fishing right at the register It's a robot fuck dog For your dog Nobody thought about it I've been thinking about this For 25 years It's a robot fuck dog Finally I got these Japanese scientists involved And we figured out The perfect height Every dog can fuck it Don't snip your dog man Don't fucking Don't neuter a spade Or nothing Just get your robot fuck dog Here's a big misconception Is that a big dog Can't fuck a little robot dog Watch Because they can Watch They'll get low So this is like You don't really need One that you can't sell After your dog dies Like hey man You got a dog Dude You know Ever since Rusty died His robot fuck dog Has just been sitting in the garage And been hoping Oh is it sad Someone can come along And comment at it It'd be bop On more humans Than fucking Just for their use

82:37That is an issue When your dog Tries to hump Your kids Like it does Because it's A real fucking problem Yeah My mastiff Has humped people before You gotta let one kid go You gotta go Yeah you gotta Sacrifice the one You like the least Do you know what I mean There's something disturbing About a 140 pound dog Named Johnny Cash That wants to hump your leg You know he's a sweet dog But if he wasn't If he wasn't There'd be a real issue here Be a problem Be a real problem Yeah What do you say Hey Hey Cut this shit And they look at you And go That's not I don't know what The fucking problem is You do it all the time Listen this is what Feels good to me It feels good to me And I'm doing it Do you ever have moments When your dogs Have ever seen you Like jerking off Or having sex Or anything like that I don't jerk off In front of my dogs Never Or have sex in front of them No I do it first day Just let them know I've heard about people

83:26That are having sex That dog comes in And starts licking their feet I've heard that kind of shit Yeah I've heard that shit And then they come harder Yeah Like yeah And the girl's like Why'd you come so quick Dogs lick my feet What? That would probably Bum her out Dog licked my balls And I came like a wild cat Wow And so you just get A bunch of dogs Around and lick your feet I'm sure people are doing that I mean that's been Always been the old thing About peanut butter Peanut butter Peanut butter Peanut butter Yeah peanut butter On your pussy And dogs Peanut butter In your ball sack And dogs licking up The peanut butter I mean like Come on You have to be so fucking You have to be so Out of options To make your dog Lick your Lick your nuts And your asshole Yeah just go higher Hire a human Hire a human man There's a lot of people That are really desperate You know like you think about it The human touch Like touch from a person Is mandatory

84:15Like people need it Is a requirement Like vitamin C And it's just a requirement That your body needs But there's a lot of people That just don't get it I never knew How much a requirement It was Until when I first Moved to LA When I first moved To LA I moved from LA From New York To LA Didn't know anyone Out here Didn't have any friends And I was on this set And I'm doing this TV show And I was there For like a couple of weeks And I guess I hadn't hugged anybody Or touched anybody In a couple of weeks And this girl On the set Gave me a hug Just gave me a hug And it was like It was like I got filled up With like affection And love Yeah That shit's real But it was It was the weirdest Like I had never Experienced that before Because you know I always had a girlfriend I always had friends It was always some sort Of physical contact Right But out here You were alone I was alone And then when this girl Hugged me I was like And I remember

85:09Never forgetting it I'm like wow That was a weird moment Like that's a That's a physical requirement Yeah Like when that girl Hugged me My body was like Yes this is what we needed Like whoa Like when you're thirsty And you get a glass of water And you're like Oh perfect That's what it was like When she hugged me And it wasn't even A sexual thing It was just a Human affection thing Yeah Well that's why That's why they say Kids that don't get touched When they're young Like that don't get hugged Or any affection They grow up so fucked up Mentally The part of your brain Doesn't develop That like needing That chemical react Because the transfer Of chemical skin to skin That's like such a big deal For the development of your brain So when kids don't get it It fucking ruins them Yeah They say that about Babies in orphanages Babies in orphanages They don't get handled a lot They die Yeah They can literally die From not being held

85:53That's a trip Meanwhile animals Just fucking put their kids out And they're like Go Get the fuck out of here They kick them out of their nest Like hey fuck face Get the fuck out Learn to fly Have you ever seen those birds That fall off cliffs Who showed us that Was it Sturgill No I think I did I think that was last time I was here I think it was you Yeah the birds that fall Just to see if they can stay alive They bounce off the rocks And half of them die Yeah because right before I came on I saw that clip That's right Yeah Dude that was fucked up There's a lot of like dark shit In the animal community You think about the survival Of these little beasts Absurd I was just reading about How many deer Every year Freeze to death in Idaho Don't ask me why But I was reading It's thousands It's like sometimes They lose thousands of animals And they even tried to migrate Somewhere else I might have made up those numbers Might be hundreds

86:40It's like six It's a lot It's a lot They call it winter kill And when they have a hard winter Like a real hard winter They lose hundreds And hundreds of animals This dead Frozen to death Like imagine living In a place Where you barely make it Like cryogenics Right When you go to cryo healthcare And your legs are shaking And you get out of there Three minutes and forty seconds Someone stays in there to six And they just become an ice cube That's fucking insane And that's where you live You don't have a house You're a stupid fucking deer Wandering around through the woods That's it That's your life Trying not to get eaten That's like back in the Midwest They would send out those flyers All the time for Registered gun owners To go hunt Because the overpopulation Of the deer was so bad Yeah That they would die Or then they would try to eat each other Which is crazy They'd turn into cannibals What?

87:21Yeah because there wasn't enough food You know So there was overpopulation There wasn't enough food Not enough land mass And so The deer eat each other? They would try to eat each other Jesus Christ I never heard of that before They'd get They'd get They'd pay They would you know They would give you incentive To go hunt If you were you know A hunter To go take care of some of the deer Well there's two options Either you hunt them Or you bring in something else That hunts them That second option Is always a bigger problem Way bigger problem Yeah You change the You change the whole makeup of it Yeah well California's kind of done that California's done a weird thing Because every other state Manages their predator Population California You can bear hunt in California But you can't do it in any effective way What that means is like There's two ways That are really effective ways To hunt bears One is over bait So you would like

88:06Leave some food down Right And you'd wait In like a blind And hide And the bear would come To get the food Because otherwise The places where bears live They don't live in an open country They hide Right And they smell everything They smell you miles away Like literally miles away If the wind is at your back And the wind blows across a valley And a bear is two miles away He'll go like He'll know you're there And that's not even a joke I mean it's a different Kind of thing And then on top of that They hear way better Than you can imagine And they see pretty good too So you're fucked Like you're not gonna find them Right So they have a bear They have bear hunting in California But it's very ineffective Like most people don't Don't So you can't put bait down I mean it just had to be Circumstance that you found Yeah The only other places Where you can hunt bears effectively And it's not over bait Are areas where there's like

88:55Wide open spaces Or these cut blocks What a cut block is Where a lumber company comes in And chops down a bunch of trees And then these little roots grow up And these little tiny saplings And stuff And the bears like to come in And eat those And meadows Like people So people go to meadows And occasionally you'll spot A bear there But it's predator control And then the other thing is With dogs The dog one is very problematic Because people don't like that look The idea of dogs Bang up a bear in a tree And then you shoot it out of a tree It just seems really fucked up Right That makes sense to me The mountain lion one Is another one Like they stopped all mountain lion hunting In the state And they just decided Because they were going extinct No They're not going extinct No There's a lot of mountain lions So why would they want to get rid of them It's a political thing Yeah It's the same thing as There's a grizzly bear ban

89:46In British Columbia You can't hunt grizzly bears In British Columbia But they have a lot of grizzly bears It's a real problem It's got to be a ton But there was a ban That was put together By animal rights activists And then signed by It was really just a few thousand people That took like an email poll And then they passed this 75% of them And now Now they're going to have a real problem With grizzly bears Because the people that passed this They all live in Vancouver Right Vancouver's beautiful It's a city Yeah Great restaurants It's a metro area There's no grizzly bears No But those other people That live like north You go like four hours past Vancouver Right And these people live in the forest They have giant 10 foot monsters That eat cows That live in their fucking woods And you just said You just made it illegal To shoot the monsters Right And you don't even live around the monsters No

90:31You don't even know what the fuck you're doing You're on a high rise Also where those people live You can shoot as many wolves as you want So it's gotten so bad up there with wolves You could shoot 100 wolves a day Every day They need you to They want you to They give you money for it in some cases Get up and shoot wolves Holy shit Dude Let's go shoot some fucking wolves Dude I don't want to be around wolves That need to be shot No I want to be around wolves Where there's a healthy population Where I don't have to do anything Right The last thing you want to do Is be around wolves Where there's so many wolves They have to shoot them That's when shit gets sketch Yeah That's when it gets sketch That's when they come after you Yeah That's when there's a Fucked up There's a balance There's an issue Right And that's what happens Everybody's like Well leave the animals alone They control their own population Yes You're correct

91:15But it'll take 30 years Are you willing to see This overpopulation of grizzly pears Attacking wildlife Attacking people Attacking dogs And breaking into people's houses Because that will happen And we're encroaching in their land Sort of But guess what If they find out where our food is They're going to encroach into our land too No shit Like there's no Do we have no land? Right You just give up your house man You know What is this? Like what are you doing? Like people don't have a realistic idea Of what animal life is Like animal life is beautiful But it's also Life with its own ideas About survival And what it wants to do And if you don't manage the predators You're not going to have the other animals You're not going to have the deer You're not going to have the moose Totally You got to manage everything Like And biologists know how to do it But then we get involved Like man I just didn't want to see the bears die man

92:04People are talking about Bringing bears back to California These crazy fuckheads Like ship them in Grizzly bears Yes Ship them in Well we have a grizzly bear on our state flag Yeah I know But the last grizzly bear was shot and killed In Lebec, California There's a city Well I don't know if it was killed in Lebec Was that like up north? Yeah Like near Bakersfield On the way to Bakersfield And it was I think the dude's name was Stephen Lebec See if you can find it L-E-B-E-C I believe he was the last man in California To be killed by a grizzly bear No shit And they went That's a wrap There he is Peter Lebec Peter Lebec And killed by Axe Axe bear What is that What it says? Axe bear I think Axe bear I don't know what that means By axe bear I think that's like a space It's like a cross Like a side Because it's not totally an X October 17th 1837 Wow October 17th 1837 And that's when they just went hog And just killed all the bears

93:02They had huge bears in California too They were like coastal brown bears Like the kind they have in Alaska Right Those enormous ones You see like they look like buses That's what they had here What was it? Was it Kodiak? Kodiak Yeah Kodiak Yeah That's a weird place What is this? The mystery of Peter Lebec And the X bear Oh so it was They did call it the X bear I wonder why they called it the X bear Okay so it was out in Lebec Because it's now It says it's now Fort Tejon Where there's a fort off of the Off of the five At the time it says It's just the wilds of the Tehachapi Mountains Which by the way Is the exact same area from There Will Be Blood Where Daniel Day-Lewis That movie There Will Be Blood Oh yeah That's the That's where they scored oil That's right It's out in that area Is that him right there? No That's Homeboy That's Homeboy That got jacked No No that's That's Lieutenant That's Lieutenant Robert Williamson

93:54And what is Williamson Leading a government expedition And passed through Santa Clarita In 1853 As a part of an effort To find a practical route For a transcontinental railroad And then And then they found bears 1853 He noted Unusually large number Of grizzly bears in the area There's a lot of bears here Oh boy We should keep going Okay well hold on Stop stop stop stop Scroll down It says Partied led by Fitzgerald Beale Lieutenant Edward Fitzgerald Beale Commissioner of the Indian Affairs At the time Found the Lebec tree A tree in 1854 Okay so it's a tree Where they like had something That they left to mark it It says By 1890 The tree bark had grown over And covered the Lebec inscription Yeah so there was a There was a tree That was wine That like had written on it This is where the body was remained The remains of a man Approximately six feet tall Who was missing his right forearm Both feet And his left hand

94:49Along with two broken ribs On the left side All consistent with a gruesome bear attack Yeah baby That uh So that's what they did When they had these bears In California They were just jacking people So they killed them all Like they They literally have no bears left Not just in California But there's brown bears But no No grizzly bears Brown bears are much smaller bear There's Not only are they not In California Like I don't even think They're close to California The hair along its back and shoulders Appeared to form an X Ah that's what they call it The X bear Huh Where's all the grizzlies in Canada They're all north Yeah you gotta go to like I think If I'm Correct I don't think you can Find them until you get to like British Columbia I don't think they're even In Washington State I think they have them in Idaho They have them in Wyoming They're starting to find them In Colorado In fact my friend Adam Greentree

95:42The guy who shot that bull up there That giant buffalo Yeah Water buffalo on the top of the flag That dude Spotted and filmed Them in I think the San Juan Mountains I think that's where it is I think that's the name of the range In Colorado Where people are saying There's no grizzly bears But he found one He had a video of it He's like That is a fucking grizzly bear Because he's from Australia That's a fucking That's how he talks That's what this says Which state is the most grizzly bears? 600 more live Oh 1500 Left in the lower 48 states That you have About 800 live in Montana Jesus Montana I was going to say They've got to be up there 600 more live in Wyoming Yellowstone And there's an estimated 70 to 100 Living in northern And eastern Idaho Okay so I was right And two of them in Texas For some reason But they're in They're in Colorado now Adam is right I guarantee he's right Because first of all Colorado borders Wyoming

96:36And it borders A lot of What that area is Like what's on the edges Of Colorado I know Wyoming's on one side I guarantee they've crossed in Because Well Utah Biologists are They're questioning this The validity of this But Adam's been around bears Not only has he been around bears He's filmed himself Getting charged with bears While he's holding up a pistol And put it on Instagram He was on a 28 day Backcountry hunt In So what do we got here Colorado What's off to the left That's Utah Utah on one side There's no bear Wyoming on the top Yeah so They come down from the top Man Guarantee you Yeah Fort Collins Is right there I guarantee you There's some grizzly bears there Adam knows The point is This is not like me If I went into the woods And I was like Dude I saw a grizzly bear Don't listen to me Yeah I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about He knows He knows Are you sure Joe He can see one You know A mile away

97:26Look at it through a spotting scope And say that is a grizzly bear Right Where I can't I go it's a fucking bear It's a big ass bear It's a big bear Might be a big brown bear But he was positive It was a grizzly bear Yeah I buy it Big fucking grizzly Fucking grizzly But people Other people have spotted him too And people have called bullshit on him But there he is right there This is him Holding up the pistol And you see Right by that tree To the left of that tree In the fog in the distance That's a fucking bear Standing on its hind legs Watch this See it See it standing up Fuck me Fuck you indeed That thing rushed him Three or four times Now here's where it gets crazy He had a gun But the gun Had the wrong size bullet And he didn't even know it But it was jammed So even though he thinks That he would be able To shoot that bear He really wouldn't be able to Because the bullet Isn't even in the fucking chamber Shit Look at that

98:14304,000 views I think that was it I believe that was in Idaho No, Udaho I think that was in Idaho That's where he was And then here's the other big thing You shoot that fucking thing And you know You're in real big trouble You have to prove That that thing was trying to kill you Well if he had video That's fucking amazing Yeah, he did That's one of the reasons Why he filmed it To let Because he had been charged Bluff charged A few times It'd run up to within Stop It's always a woman With her babies Like she's just trying A woman Female bear With her babies She's trying to protect These bitches are bears These bitches These fucking bitch bears Charging me It's a mama Trying to protect her cubs I get it The dudes don't do that They won't charge No, they just eat you They'll fuck you up Yeah, if a dude Is charging you It's over You're fucked It means it's really hungry Just wants you to get away Most of the time

99:06The males will just run away Unless Unless You kill something And then it decides To take it from you Like if you kill a deer And it wants it Yep You better let it Fucking have it You have to And fuck off Well in certain places You have to Like you're not even Allowed to scare them off I think I mean I would let it Fucking have it Some states There's some states It might be Montana No There's some It might be Wyoming Wyoming maybe There's one state Where once you Shoot something If it might be Idaho It's one of those states We just keep jumping Keep jumping It could be North Dakota If a bear finds your Your meat You have to leave it alone You have to leave the bear With your meat You have to give up I mean Well who's fighting that Yeah I would let that shit go Most dudes won't I bet I bet they'll shoot that thing Shoot the bear Just because Yeah man You know how hard it is to If you're on a back country hunt And you You finally get a deer

100:00Yeah You know how hard that is to do It's so hard Yeah but it'd be like Circle of life type of shit Where you're like Nah fucking I mean you know what I mean Boom You're in their restaurant Boom Right in the dick Fuck you Yeah It's me against him Fuck you In the dick I just wouldn't go to a place That wouldn't let you scare off But first of all I don't want to go to a place That has them No see that's my shit I'm not No thanks Yeah I only bird hunted When I was a kid Bird and deer Actually I did deer But I bird hunted a lot When I was a kid My dad loved bird hunting The thing about deer And I mean even bird hunting Is like if you're in the right place You could run into a wolf or a bear Yeah you could If you kill a bear in defense of life and property Bears killed in defense of life and property Belong to the state If you kill a bear You must remove the hide from the carcass And also salvage the skull

100:46By the way that happened to my friend Cam Haynes He This is how crazy bears are bro He shot a bear With a bow and arrow Killed it And then another bear Claimed the body And started burying it This female bear Holy shit She just decided This is mine I'm going to eat this Because they cannibalize each other Oh totally 100% of the time 100% of all bears are cannibals They just all If one bear is dead The other ones start eating it Babies They start eating it This is how fucked up it is My buddy lives in Alberta And his son Watched a bear Kill a cub And then watched The mom Eat the baby Oh fuck That's crazy Like the mom chased the bear off That killed the cub And then she ate it Yeah well because it's dead at that point What's she going to do But it's just What Nutrition Yeah that is what it is It's nutrition I mean that's literally how they I mean that's That's how they roll up there You've never looked at your kid And been like

101:38I'm going to fucking eat my kid Look at part What part would you eat first Uh for the fat Whatever the fattiest is You know what I mean Just pop the legs off I mean when you're down to that point Like if you're in like One of them uh Situations like the Like a movie Alive Yeah they crash Yeah alive Like when do you start eating people Do you look for the place Where you jump off first Like once you get to the point Where you're like Thinking about eating each other I'm killing myself Yeah I'm probably jumping off a cliff I'm jumping I'm not eating I don't want to eat fucking people man People would walk out bro But there's some places Where you're just not walking out Yeah no Okay You better get that out of your head Cause you don't have any food Yeah There's no water Like there's nothing Nope You're not gonna make it Yeah that's alive Is that the real guys I think so Wow That's crazy It was a soccer team right Yeah

102:29And so they ate dudes who died Is this when they rescued them They took pictures of them Is that what it is It must be That has them going back to the scene They look very happy Yeah They look happy They must have been rescued That's crazy shit Is that the movie That's the movie That's the movie That's the bullshit That was the movie What's the real image That's the real image There it is Wow That's fucked man Can you imagine How long do they live up there for 72 days it says Oh Jesus That's a long time to be eating people You know You'd get old too You'd be like This guy's fingers don't taste good anymore They're eating everything frozen too I don't even know if they can make fires They're scooping like They're using a spoon To scoop your asshole out What are they They use your butthole as a fucking bowl They're just putting stuff in your butthole as a bowl Had they figured out fire Like how to make a fire up there

103:16I think they did I think they did What would they even burn I mean a lot Oh wow Is those real bodies No You keep showing us pictures of the movie But what would they burn They'd burn whatever's inside that plane left over Like clothes That would go quick Yeah That would go quick You gotta find some woods You gotta find some trees There's nothing up there They're way above the timber line Yeah And probably A bunch of people broken up They probably have bad backs And fucked up legs And shit From the accident That shit I remember that movie Was so fucked up It's uh It's a terrifying thing 12,000 feet altitude too Woo Wait 12,000 11,000 That's like literally Just above the timber Or no no no No Timber line is like 13,500 Or something like that You know what they give you When you have altitude sickness And you're at that height Huh Cialis Boner pills Boner pills They want you to get hard So you just stop thinking about it Boner pills

104:05Boner pills Yeah They give you a bottle of whiskey Skiing down the hill With just a fucking hard dick The um What those things do Is dilate They dilate your blood vessels Oh right right And apparently that helps you Breathe easier When you're at high altitude Well it definitely does Because they have Like we go to Breckenridge every year We have family up there And uh We sleep Their house is uh You know halfway up the side mountain Mm-hmm We sleep at about 11,200 11,200 feet That's That takes a while to adapt to It's not easy Well if we go to Denver For three or four days Three days beforehand You get A little It's easier You get a little bump Easier Yeah But um Not What else is Not just There's There's another one That's just that Almost the same kind of Breckenridge is one of the highest out there But yeah we sleep at like 11,200 Like 10 It's like anywhere from Like 10,700 Right out Right near Like near the house And then to like 11,200

104:58Is where it usually ends up Because I've got my Altimeter on my phone I'm always like I wonder how high Yeah I use one of those too I love that I always like knowing And doesn't it work Even if you don't have service Yeah How does that work Well dude the things are still sending data Even if you don't have service Right GPS Yeah Yeah we've just accepted That the government's tracking us right I'm fine with it Well dude when this thing When I first got to Japan The first thing that I did I was like Hello Yeah Yeah Konnichiwa It flips over And it tells you exactly where you are Without There was no service on it It was like boop Pinpointed Google Maps You're right there Whoa It's a trip dude It's never not sending and receiving data Right Constantly Even on airplane mode Still sending and receiving data Well I knew this lady Used to work for CNN And when she would go to places If they If you had an iPhone Like she would go to these

105:41Middle Eastern places To have to talk to people And interview them They would take your phone away If you had an iPhone If you had an Android phone They'd take the battery out In the olden days Right But if you had an iPhone They'd just say no We're taking that phone Shit You're being tracked And listened to 100% Period You're in some fucking Bahrain place Some weird And they'd take away your iPhone Take away your phone That's fucked But you'd meet with these people Do you do that at shows by the way Do you take away I do now Do you do the pouch thing The yonder patches Pouches rather Dude it's amazing That's a great idea I've heard It changes the game It changes the show It's like first of all You could always If you have important phone calls All you have to do is just leave the room The phone will ring You leave the room You open the pouch Once you get out of the room You can come back in Put it back in the pouch

106:22You come back in So wait the pouches are not with them The pouches are with you Oh you save the pouches They have the key up front It's all locked up Right And when you go out They open it up Like people I'm not giving my phone up You don't have to give your phone up It's in your hands But you're in this pouch And when you go out They open the pouch It takes three seconds It opens up You get the phone out So if you like Say if you have a babysitter At your house Or something like that Right you need to check it You can check it But in the pouch It doesn't disable the phone From getting service or anything No See that's what I think They should figure out Well Because that would be a problem If there was an emergency though See that would prevent See what the thing is That's good about the pouch Is that if you really Like if there's some critical issue That you think could come up Right You know your phone's ringing

107:03Like okay I'm gonna leave the room But then it gives people incentive To still have their phone on to ring Do you know what I mean That is true That is true See that to me is saying like You know That's true How often do the emergency If the show is two hours Right And an emergency happens Within that gap of time of two hours Isn't that the universe Just being like This is life What the fuck What the fuck You have kids Nobody wants to hear that No totally I get that But it's also like I just feel like You know I don't know Dude the show is so much fucking better It's way better without the phones Have you done one of those shows No You should come with me We'll do a gig together Yeah I would love that Yeah Because the idea of it I thought when I heard it I was like That's the most brilliant shit I've ever heard in my life It's phenomenal I'm telling you It's phenomenal And I think it gets people Mentally in a place

107:43Where they're like I'm just gonna enjoy the show Exactly Yeah I don't have to Fucking think about nonsense Dude everybody's got their phone up Everywhere you go They have their phone up Filming everything They want to film everything They want to take pictures of everything And it's a distraction I just want to go see A friend of a friend play You know like a band And uh Even at like small nonsense venues People still have their phone I'm not talking like You know It's like fucking You know A massively famous Like Bruno Mars Like every kid I'm sure Is like good The whole time Of course This is even like a small Tiny little venue Where I was like What it's like 80 people All have their phones out too I thought those would just be A little bit more chill I think it's less of an issue With music Although some people Do have an issue with it But um With music You already know the songs Yeah Like with jokes Like say if you're working

108:29On a new hour Right And you go to the laugh factory And five people in the audience Are filming you And they want to put it on YouTube Like your jokes are half cooked Totally You're trying Comedy is one of the weirder art forms Because you have to practice it In front of other people Right You could write it alone But you really don't know How it goes together Until you try it In front of other people And out of all the bits That you have How many of them start off And they eat dick Most Almost all of them There's like one or two That you do That you write away That hits And you're like Alright fuck yeah Alright that's good Some of them start desperately bad And they try to figure out How to make a board Like I know there's something There's somewhere Where the fuck is it You know And you're trying to convey that to them You're like Trust me This is not You just haven't heard it yet Yeah it's just You'll hear it in a year

109:13Come back in a year The ship will be golden And even then Like even when you got something down Like sometimes I take a chance with it Like maybe I'm not totally done with this Maybe I'll take it on a left turn Like ooh I like stuff when I find that I tried once And I hated it And like a year later And then I try it again And it works Yeah that's weird That I love Yeah But you don't even know why Like what's wrong with me then And right with me now Something about the rhythm Of the way you even thought about it Like I think sometimes When I get an idea of a joke And the rhythm of the joke I can't even find Like I'm like I don't even know why I just kind of like the idea of that For some reason And then a year or two later You're like Something else usually happens That goes That's just like when I felt blank And then these things Kind of like mesh together It was just like the missing piece Well what's in your head

109:58Is so important That's why Theo Vaughn's So fucking funny It's my guy Because Theo's act Is like so ridiculous Oh man he's Yeah And when you see it If you saw it on paper There's a lot of bits That you'd see on paper You go how What is that That's funny And then you see him live You're like Yeah It's amazing Because in his head He knows why that's funny Right He knows why that's funny And then he tells it to you In the way that it's going on In his head And you start fucking howling Right But like if you're not Totally sure if it's funny Which you usually aren't When you're trying something out On stage They can kind of tell Totally That you're not totally sure It's funny So if someone films that And then puts it on YouTube Fuck That's not good Like say maybe I'm an Andrew Santino fan And I go Ah his new bits Kind of suck Like no You haven't You haven't really seen him Yeah This is a It's an embryo Yeah You saw the beginning stages

110:49Of what is going to be Yeah that stuff That's the whole filming Of shows And they still They bust people at the store All the time For trying to do that But there's still people That try to get away with it That you see people You know Poking up their phones Some of them are just fans Some of them are just fans I would say most people Are just a fan They just want to have That little piece But I just think There's always fucking people That are up to no good Well there's always people That are just First of all There's people that If you're a performer And they're not a performer They don't give a fuck Totally Like they're not They're not looking out for you They Hey I'm a fucking audience member You worry about what you're doing I'm a fucking guy who films I paid to be here Per That's what I do I'm a filmer guy And you're a performer guy So fucking perform Performer guy While I film This next performer guy Coming to the stage

111:33You're going to love him Someone said this to Sturgill Sturgill Simpson Comes up to him in an airport And sticks a fucking camera in his face While he's talking to his friend Him and his friend are talking And the guy's like holding the camera He's like What are you doing man He goes Hey It's the price you pay bro That's what he says to him It's the price you pay Nothing drives me more insane When people say shit like that It's the price you pay I just decided You gotta pay a toll That's what comes along with the territory Pay a tax bro Time to pay the fame tax Fame tax Stand in front of you While you talk to your friend Like in any other world That would be so rude Like If you were just standing by Talking to your friend And both of you Were insurance salesmen And a guy came up And put a phone in your face You'd be like Who the fuck is this guy I'm insured by State Farm So I get to do this Hey It's the price you pay

112:15You wanna be in public I get to film you Like that's a thing that people have decided Right Some people in their head Like this guy with the camera That if you are a famous person Like anything you do Yep I'm allowed to film you Everywhere you go I'm allowed to take pictures Because it does this Because there's this big disconnect That people that are famous Are people There's this thing that's like No you're ours now Yeah We made you famous So now you're ours Whatever we want from you That idea is fucking crazy to me That someone's like They're barely human sometimes They don't treat people like They're not human They're just You know who's pretty good at it Pretty good Is the TMZ guys Yeah For the most part They come up to you with the cameras They're very good guys Like for the most part Yeah A lot of them are actually comics They like do it as A few of them I knew were comics Yeah for sure Struggling Right

113:02They meet people at the airport And ask them weird questions And shit Most of the time It's no big deal Asiago cheese or cheddar Yeah What? What? Yeah some of those They have the fucking weird Sometimes the questions are so like Yeah Well they're just trying to get at something But that's how they're getting by You know Totally But it's just There's almost never a good idea To answer those questions No dude You can look like a fucking idiot No matter what Like someone got Anthony Bourdain At the airport And they said If you were going to Cook dinner for Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un What would you serve? And he says Hemlock And then all the MAGA assholes Went fucking crazy That's a poison He's threatening To kill the president Someone It's a joke Immediately call The secret service And get him arrested Fucking MAGA hats All filled with sweat Around the brim Freezing heavy Like a foot His hat smells like a foot

113:54He's gonna kill the president Mr. Secret service agent I want you to arrest Nancy Bourdain There's no joking About the president Meanwhile all he does Is crack jokes Yeah I wish he really did say that That motherfucker line While he was president Oh yeah Come on I mean that shit Would be hilarious If he did that as president What would everybody do? Go You're not allowed To do that sir You are right now The president Do not Do not cuss That's kind of like But I think that When he tweeted Kim Jong Un Called him Little Rocket Man That was hilarious That was so funny That was hilarious That was just plain funny Well he goes Did you see the one tweet He goes I don't know why Kim Jong Un Said I was old I would never say He's short and fat That's like a return To like It's like a comic Yeah I don't smack Go to your work And smack the dick Out of your mouth It's like the exact same thing Do you hate that word? Yeah That is it That's so funny

114:51But I mean the fact That he just Like this was This is the president Saying this It's funny Like it's fucking hilarious But meanwhile Kim Jong Un Now wants to sign A peace treaty They want to meet They're gonna meet They're gonna meet Yeah he wants to meet Nobody wanted to meet With him before I know Everybody's like There's too dangerous I would never call him Short and fat I would never I try so hard To be his friend And maybe someday That'll happen Yeah see He shits on you Shows you the consequences Of you fucking with him And then he opens up The door By the way That's kind of what we do anyway That's like what friends do That you like You shit on each other And then you're like Dude I love you It's cause I fucking Maybe someday that will happen Oh well I try so hard To be his friend This guy Come on man Look I'm not There's a lot of things This guy does wrong Totally But he is fucking entertaining He's very entertaining There's no

115:36Never been a more Entertaining president Not even close No He is the fucking Grand champion Of being an entertaining As long as he doesn't Blow us up And he gets out Without getting in the box Like it's It's highly possible He doesn't make it Out of this one alive But if he does Yeah If he gets through the whole thing I think he's gonna be good You think so? I think he'll be fine Let me say this Whether it lasts Four years or eight years And look at all these And a lot of liberals Are like What? Never! Never! Never Trump! Never Trump! If it lasts four or eight years The one thing that we will all say We'll look back on We'll go Man that's crazy It took that thing For us to talk about A lot of things Like the Me Too movement Yeah Would have never happened If Hillary got in office Ever Yeah it would have Sure I don't think so man If Harvey Weinstein got exposed That's The Harvey Weinstein thing Was so egregious But I think all those things

116:24Were tumble effects Sure Of what happened with him I agree too But I think it all Helped in together Yeah I'm just saying Like I bet you The Harvey thing Wouldn't have been so real Had Hillary got in Because all the liberals That condemned all the liberals Like all the liberals That called out people like Harvey And everyone in our business They would have been so gleeful Of this Hillary thing I think that would have Still been like Well we'll cover it up Like we've been doing For the past No It's not like it just started It's been going on Right Why now But they suppressed stories before Because they got these people To suppress I just didn't think The power of social media Is just expanding I think the timing Was perfect with Trump I think I'm just saying I think so too I think those things Led to it just being like Alright that's it We have to do something about it I think it was definitely a factor But I bet you

117:06It wouldn't have happened So fast with Hillary I bet you that would have Been a longer road Oh yeah dude I don't know Because liberals would have Gotten exactly what they wanted The only way it would have Been a longer road Is because Weinstein Supported Hillary's campaign That's what I'm saying That is possible They're all part of the same Because there was A lot of photos Of them together Of him with Obama Dude he's got photos With everybody Yeah everybody Him just hugging up On all these people That call him a monster now Yeah Dude the thumbs up He's a god Like didn't Meryl Streep Say he was a god Yeah a godsend Yeah a godsend But that's the same thing With Trump though Like how many celebrities Do you see with pictures of Trump It's hysterical People that are die hard liberals That are like They ask me to be your best buds And all that shit They ask me to do The Apprentice When I was doing the second round Of Fear Factor

117:46And you said no way I don't want to live in New York For three months That's it My kid was One of my youngest kid Was very young Who was going to be on the show I don't know I have no idea I would have loved to see Who you would have gone up with Dude I would have been so Dennis Rodman Non-competitive I would have been high as fuck Just having a good time I would have tried to come up With a good idea And if it didn't work out Yeah but you would have won That's why Because you didn't care What are you going to do Yeah the people that care That's who loses I don't know man I cared so little That I probably would lose I think you'd win I probably would barely Be paying attention That's who wins The person that's like Don't you have to be good at business I'm fucking terrible at business Dude you see some of the people On that show They're all winging it I don't No I mean Who they cast on it They wing it It's like whoever they get

118:26This is I've seen literally 13 seconds of that show And it's all clips You're fired You're fired You're fired That's the best clip You're fired You're fired I just I don't get it You're fired I just It just didn't seem like a fun job Joe I wish you came on You're fired I would have McDonald's with you I don't eat that shit I do I'll eat yours He eats fried chicken With a fork and a knife Dude that's He's a comic act He's a comic act He is a cartoon He's an odd human That's for sure Do you think he's gonna run again 100% Right Do you think he's gonna win again 100% Do you think he's gonna win again Yeah Wow And I'm not saying Of course there's people That are probably like What's up with this Gino guy What is this fuck Dude I just think To come to my Boyle Hearts gallery And see my Never Trump exhibit That was burned to the ground By Mexicans How ironic Nazi coffee I just think I think he's gonna win again I just do

119:19I think unless the Democrats Can pull something together In the next year and a half Two years As someone that actually Is like a formidable component Well my activism Is going to prevent that I just I just think he's gonna go again He might Especially if Look If he's smart And he clearly Is a very clever man If he's a clever man It's entirely possible That he's got one round In the chamber For like Right around Six to eight weeks out Totally Before the election One thing Where he like Let something happen Or shit goes down And he has the perfect solution To put out that fire He's good to go They plan that stuff man Totally man They absolutely do There's people working on it right now The moment you get into office They're trying to keep you in office And sometimes people die Fucking hell Sometimes people die People die Yeah Sometimes people die And it's just Hey What are you gonna do What is this President of Justice of the Marines

120:15What'd he say He wants soldiers in space He wants to create a space force Oh what Dude Fuck yeah What did he say Let's shoot up the What I don't like the way he says this And sea They even have a space force Space force We have the air force We have the space force We have the army The navy We have the navy And a space force So what he does is He has a bunch of buddies That make spaceships So what he's gonna do Is make a fucking deal Make a nice deal Make a nice deal We sat down We cut a nice deal And they're gonna Take another Four trillion dollars And pump it into the space force And then they're gonna They're all gonna wear Like Luke Skywalker outfits Right They're all gonna wear Some sort of crazy space suit That looks dope Yeah And we're gonna be all on board Yeah Space war Space war dude Tight Can you imagine If we start seeing Like overhead Like we're in the sky A button Like in a night sky And you see like rocket ships

121:20Flying back and forth So cool Part of that The Tesla thing So cool They were showing The US air force Some maneuverability thing Whatever that was Like the last hour Of the test The experiment Was showing them Something that they could do That wasn't really being talked about Because the Elon musk Shooting that car Into space Is so funny Trump must make So many people nervous In other countries Like this Like just have him talking About a space war Just talking so flippantly I think a lot of people In other countries like him I think they're enamored By his His just Complete Disregard for rules I think people love That he just doesn't give a shit You think so? I think so totally Most countries are terrified That this guy is running America I don't know man I think like our friends do But I think the majority Of the other countries That don't give a shit about us Are like That guy's great I think our friendly countries

122:10You know like England I'm sure is like He's a nuisance You know but I think I think countries That don't give a fuck about us Are like That guy's hilarious That guy's a weirdo Space war Imagine we had a space war With Russia That would be fucking awesome It'd be a great movie Like how do we stop A war from breaking out Who Who is gonna stop a war From breaking out Nobody It's like It seems like They just keep pushing each other Like someone's gonna Throw a sucker punch Yeah it's gonna happen Oh yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah let's do it Yeah And then finally They're in the fucking hallway They're pushing each other Right No one wants to step to the left We keep hitting one or two books Out of each other's hands Yeah And it's always right there It's always right there Then finally someone takes the hit Yeah I mean It could easily happen With some Little banana republic Right That could start it off Some crazy dictator In Venezuela Totally

123:04Could send a missile At some other dude And fuck him up And they're like Oh bitch Is that what we're doing now And then we back this company And then the Russians Back the other guys And next thing you know Old Jed's a millionaire And we're in a fucking war I mean We're so weird about war It's like We accept the fact That war exists But only when it's not near us Not really interested in war That's close Can't be here Like we have war in Afghanistan Yeah yeah yeah But that's inevitable But war over here Is like no No way No way Not on my land You can't We don't But if we're gonna have war over here I hope we can contain it to like You know like North Dakota Or somewhere where I'm not near Yeah Some weird spot Some spot where we're like Dude fight in the middle There's not a lot of shit Go over this spot You can have that area Go fight right here Yeah If we fight right here It'd be good We'd be the one Like we all designated

123:53This is a place we meet We fuck each other up What state? Huh? Connecticut Connecticut Yeah for sure Nobody would cry Nah Fuck it That's like after school fist fights Of like Meet you in the secret garden dude I'm gonna fuck you up You know And you'd wait all day People'd be talking about it Like you heard about the fight Did you find a badass bro? You heard about the fight? You find a badass bro? Meet me in Connecticut You wanna solve this the right way dog? Meet me in Connecticut I hope we don't get into war Nah But we're in one Yeah See? That's the thing We are We're in one with some dudes Who ride goats And they live in the mountains Yeah We're in one with those guys But yeah yeah yeah But it's over there It's just doing I go to Starbucks every day I don't feel it That's what it is I don't even notice That we're at the war I go to get my Nazi coffee Out in Boyle Heights And I'm straight It's white people coffee

124:36Weird white people coffee WP coffee It's just crazy That they could just scream Fuck white people And everybody's like Well You know They don't wanna be gentrified No That's not what they're saying That's not what they're saying I mean They don't want white people Moving in And opening up galleries You know what's another part of it? This is where it gets really weird So I went into rabbit hole I started reading a lot of things About that What I read Was that part of it Is being hijacked By white artists That don't like the people That own the gallery So they get on the side Of the people That want no gentrification And they sabotage the gallery Because they have a personal feud With the guy who owns the gallery That's so fucked So there was a lot of that There was white artists That were teaming up Against the white people They're teaming up On the side of the Hispanics To get Yeah Mexicans Latinos I mean I don't know if it's

125:28All Mexicans I mean The east side is heavy It's Honduran Yeah I mean It's just that neighborhood It's just a It's generally known As a Latino neighborhood Totally And these people Want to keep it that way But it's just so fucked up Imagine if that was white people If brown people Were moving in And white people Were going Fuck brown art And fuck Nazis Hate Racism Fuck brown art But if it's against white people We don't automatically see it as racism Including the people that are saying Fuck white art Like they don't think of it as racism Because it's against the people That are moving in That happen to be wealthy That can afford to buy Totally And they're pushing people out So if you say Fuck white people It's not racist But the same people that agree with that You know the same people that are like Yeah That are like That are like the same white people That agree with Yeah The protesting They're rich They're already up there anyway

126:23There's a little of that And it's just it's convenient Because they're not that thing It's like I read This one woman was tweeting That here's an unpopular opinion I'm not at all uncomfortable About the idea of men being falsely accused Of sexual assault And sexual harassment Like that is a crazy thing to say Like what if it was your son Yeah What if it was your brother Yeah What if it was your dad And they were a good person And accused of something And you're not You don't feel bad Because you don't like men All men suck Is that what it is Yeah That is sexist Well they do You might not think it's sexist But it's fucking sexist It's hardcore sexist If all men sucked If all men were violent monsters Girls you'd all be dead Right Okay You'd all be dead Someone along the way Would have done something terrible We're not all bad No Some of us are bad Some men are bad And I wouldn't even say us Some males of the species are bad

127:14Some females are bad Yes That's the point It's like people are bad I don't understand this whole thing Like all people are good Most people I think Most people are good Are good Yeah But a lot of people are not good There's a lot of people So if there's Like we were talking about The The number of What was that weird statistic About That we pulled up One out of Point six percent What was that That we were just discussing Micro penis Yes Micro penis people Right So if that's how many people Have a micro penis How many people Are fucking assholes Right More than have micro penises Way more Yeah So if you have a hundred people Right And point six Have a micro penis Two are assholes Flaming assholes And imagine being an asshole And having a micro penis You're in trouble You got a real problem You probably never develop Like real asshole tendencies Because you'd always be so Intimidated That someone in the middle of a Rant

128:12Would just pull your pants down Shut the fuck up And then everyone's like Oh my god Jesus There's way more assholes But some of those assholes Are women So like On national woman's day The other day Like a couple people That I know Retweeted this Someone was like Believe women Trust women Embrace women Support women This Some Yes Some Some are great Yeah Some women are amazing Yeah Some men are amazing Yeah Some humans Are amazing Humans can be amazing This whole Like Gravitating towards One gender Specifically just because They have a vagina Or specifically Just because they have a penis Is equally stupid Yes It's equally stupid on both sides Yes And it also Creates divisiveness Right It creates conflict Right Because we're aware Us on the team penis That you're fully in support Of team vagina That's all you're about Right You're about team vagina And you know Over here as a penis fan I'm like This is bullshit You know I'm willing to tolerate

129:08Those vagina fans But they're shitting All over penises Getting tired of your Shitting on penises I'm getting tired of it Enough You know It's like Can the Dolphins And the Raiders Have a healthy relationship Amongst the fans Can they get together And share a stadium together Without any gang fights No Isn't it possible No Not in that example No No But it's the same thing With team penis Versus team vagina Here's an unpopular opinion I'm not at all uncomfortable With Raiders fans Getting gang raped Or stomped to death In the parking lot Fuck the Raiders Hashtag Fuck the Raiders Right Yeah That's something a retard Would say Yeah That's insane A really stupid fuck Who was like a You know Anti Raiders guy Right Would say something like that And you'd get like a hundred likes Yeah Fuck em Fuck em Fuck em Fuck em I hate that futurist female quote I think that's such an annoying Oh that's my favorite Such an annoying quote

130:02Good luck just eating each other's pussies You crazy bitches That's such an You're never gonna get pregnant It's such an insane thing to say It's so annoying It's a stupid thing to say What are you really saying You don't want any men How about the future is masculine Yeah right Imagine what a piece of shit You'd have to be to walk around With a t-shirt This is a future is masculine Future is masculine No No the future is human beings Hopefully we're nice to each other Getting along Yeah Doing each other good And being right to one another We're all We're all important All of us Males Females Everyone Yeah this whole Non-binary This whole human ecosystem Needs each other It's so funny But women can walk around With those futurist female shirts And not feel stupid That's fucking Well because it's Because it's supported right Yeah hey Yeah but we say that here Hey Debbie I'm fucking love First of all Love your shirt Amazing

130:43It's amazing I'm with you 100% sister They can do that here But I'm gonna tell you You go do that In certain parts of the country And people are like Dyke The fuck is that shit Dyke Dyke It's crazy when it's heterosexual women Can you imagine if men said That future's masculine We're just gonna We're actually gonna be done With all this girl shit And just butt fuck in the street Right It's stupid Girls suck Come here Steve Yeah it's stupid It's stupid Like this It is Generalized I mean It's like Taking one gender And deciding That's what you're really into That is just as stupid As taking one skin color Totally Just as stupid as I'm really only into dudes Who are over six feet tall Anybody under six feet tall Should be dead I don't like to talk to them I have a team My team's six feet Like we can always decide Some new thing That we don't like somebody about Right Or for And so we always decide Like yeah Those fucking assholes

131:39From the town Across the tracks Like we'll have like A boundary line And decide Those people are them Imaginary lines Yeah We put up a fence Fuck you Fuck them Fence them We're gonna meet In the parking lot On Saturday night And if they don't say That we're the best We're gonna fucking kill them It's And people don't see it For whatever reason If you have a Futures female T-shirt on You don't see it that way Because you are just In support of feminism Right In support of equal rights Right In support of women Doing powerful things And you think This is a step In the right direction But it's not No The futures female Is not a That's not a message That is good The futures happy Loving people Good people That's a good message The futures good Honest people Not fucking hurting each other Good people Trying to do well For each other Trying to Facilitate communication And growth And learning about each other And tolerance

132:29Like just be nice to each other Not the futures masculine Fuck off you dork You fucking half a man You half a man Imagine if a guy's Walking around The futures masculine He has a tattoo It's right above his dick He shows it sometimes When he takes The masculinity out of me Sometimes you can see Like the top letters Because it's shaped Like a big smile He's got a big smiley face Yeah it's a smile But it says the future's masculine You can see the E And the T Poking out of his underwear When he takes Those dick root pictures You know those pictures That guys take When they pull their pants down He takes them all the time Yeah Yeah You know those guys They'll take a picture With the fuck runway And all that shit It's pulled right to the dick root Yeah yeah yeah Right Sweatpants Just get back from the gym Like basically showing The base of their cock Because they got the fucking The runners The fuck runner muscles The fuck muscles

133:17Yeah that's where Jamie's got that The futures masculine quote With a big smiley face Did you get it removed? It's like I need to go back You can't go just once Yeah it takes more time Lasers above your dick Has to be very nerve wracking You know they make you Put goggles on Pop pop pop Have you seen that thing they do When they're removing tattoos Oh dude Pop pop pop pop So painful It's like they're shooting a laser It looks like the most painful shit I've ever seen in my life Your skin's crackling Pop pop pop pop pop pop To listen to it Yeah Oh it's fucking awful You're cooking You're cooking the skin right? Yeah You have to burn it You have to burn it Yeah I know this girl Was getting this big tattoo On her back removed And she was at the beach And like her whole back Was like her lower back Was this big red thing It was like It was halfway done And like she had just gotten A recent Like she had to put sunscreen All over it

134:07Because it couldn't hit the sun Yeah it can't be in the sun Yeah I was like What is that? Like what are you doing? You're cooking your skin Do you have any tattoos? Yeah Me? I got none My whole arms are sleeved Oh yeah what am I thinking? What the fuck am I talking about? New tattoo removal technology Look at that guy's gotta get Goggles on Look at them It's so funny I'm like do you have tattoos? I know you have tons of tattoos I'm not thinking Because I'm not seeing any right now Well I'm covered up Yeah but you often cover them up Well because they're a distraction Like on stage Yeah you do Look at that He's just going over That's pretty amazing How quick it makes it disappear Is that new? Yeah I saw one the other day That was just like She was going over the skin And it was not Didn't seem like it was harming The untattooed skin Yeah but you know what they say It's kind of like It looks It looks Whoa that's crazy Yeah

134:51That is fucking crazy That's crazy But you still have to go back a bunch Yeah Yeah Maybe you do bro I go once doggy I go once bro It seems like it would be amazing Where's that shit? That was in This is Spa Medica But I don't know Because I have an old tattoo On my shoulder That I want to get rid of So I can finish my right sleeve It says the future is masculine It does It says it in all dicks Spelled out Little cocks Little tiny dicks Yeah Do you know how you like You have a picture And you look very close to the picture It's really The magic eye It's all other pictures Yeah yeah yeah That are like put together To make a bunch of different portraits All to make one portrait That'd be cool Yeah you do Little dicks All dicks Yeah You'd have to go to A master tattoo artist Wow Look at this guy Covering his eyes He's got tattoos all over his face Holy shit man I am seeing more of that Than I've ever seen in my life

135:43That's the new shit dude Wow how quick that works man That's incredible So this is How old is that article? It does stuff like new It's pretty new this year So Nice I don't know if there's any place Nice Nice Find your family Jamie I'm gonna get something removed Jamie Get on the web You don't have any? You got none? Nothing Are you thinking about getting something? Nope Not even after this conversation? Nope What about the future is masculine? Maybe we should all get that Maybe I'll get that Yeah I might get that But I wanna get it above my butt So when you know Whenever there's a guy back there And he's you know Looking down Even though that I'm in support of dudes Yeah It's me and you That'll help It's me and you bud Yeah you and me together With the right ideas No I've never I've never No Get it I can't I don't I don't think I can commit to something like that No I couldn't do it The fucking Getting a tattoo to me Was always like

136:34I just can't I fucking can't do it I thought about it for years And then I was like But every friend I had It got a bad one Isn't the future is feminine Sort of like If you have a brown power tattoo You're allowed to have brown power Brown power? Yeah If you had a brown power tattoo? Yeah If you're a brown person Traditional laser does this Let's play some Beverly Hills The PicoSure laser What does it do? It does this It's gone Bitch See ya Fuck out Fuck out of here Bitch Done Replay That looks pretty dope dude I might have to go get that shit done Cause I've been putting off Getting this tattoo Who's the broad at the bottom? I don't know Yeah she's good looking She's like Hey I had one above my box And they took it out It was a bunch of dicks She had a bunch of gang stuff on her forehead A bunch of dicks pointing to my box I was a kid I was a gang I was in a gang It just disappears I love that Revealing a beautiful future

137:24This is the real truth This is how it actually happens You know what I need in here right now? I need like a pee bucket I have to pee so bad Go ahead Go pee man Go ahead Don't worry about it We'll talk shit about you while you're gone What makes you uncomfortable that we talk about? We'll start with that The future is masculine Now I gotta hear it when I come back This makes me sad I get though So I'm a hypocrite though Because like One of my favorite fighters Cain Velasquez He's got brown pride Tattooed on his chest Never bothered me for a second His dad walked here From fucking Mexico You know Like if you're A part of a Disenfranchised community If you feel like you are And you have that on It's like You're taking pride In something that's Considered maligned Right? But I guess women Would think the same way In a more mild way That they're Disenfranchised too What are they gonna do With all their That tramp stamp thing

138:16That's done right? No Some girls are still getting them Now? Yeah Really? There's some dumb people Out there bro Okay but what is a tramp stamp? A tramp stamp is only When it's your lower back Yeah Right? But your whole back Like I know a lot of people That are getting their whole back done Right That's That's That's I mean they're getting their butt done Everything Which I think is probably not the best move Cause like asses look really good When they're Well formed Like to put You know what it's like? It always seems to me What are you showing me? Wow look at that Full back tattoo God damn That's gorgeous Look go back to that Full screen Like go below Go below Go below I'm sorry There's a tiger Low right Of that screen Look at that one Right there Bam Look at that back Holy shit That's crazy That's really good work Who made that one? Does it say? Oh it just says A hundred awesome back tattoo ideas Yeah I just think

139:16Ladies leave your ass alone Please Don't get crazy All the way down there Wow I had to blur it Like or If your ass is so good You can tattoo the shit out of it It still looks amazing But you gotta be really careful What artist you go to That is the thing about tattoos You gotta really make sure Like before I got my sleeves I got my sleeves done By this guy Aaron Della Vadova Shout out to Aaron From Guru Tattoo in San Diego I had seen his work online A bunch I mean he's a real Legit artist His work's amazing I knew that this guy was Like super good at tattoos But there's a lot of people That get some whack ass tattoos I just don't I don't understand How people don't have time They don't have the patience To wait for that good artist They get nutty I need it today I need it You know Do you have tattoos? All over his dick Davey's that one Have you thought about it? The one The one The one that we know Have you seen they have

140:09Glow in the dark tattoos now? Yeah Gotta be good for you Right? Whatever makes it Glow in the dark Definitely not gonna fuck you up For the rest of your life It's all natural As far as we know If you were gonna get a tattoo What do you think you'd get? So I don't know White pride Yeah Or like White power maybe Wow Look at that glow in the dark tattoos That's amazing That looks fucking cool Wow Look at Look at That's amazing Holy shit dude Back up to that last one That you just went to No with the girl's back Right there No to the right of that one To the right of that one No Look at that picture Up at the top bar And go to the right of it The one That's it There you go Bam Look at that Wow Fuck dude That's That's someone's arm right Is that someone's arm? Is that an arm? Yeah Oh I thought it was her back Oh I thought it was like Leaning forward Fuck that's incredible That's amazing Yeah then you have black lights Over your house

141:01Like you're in college again though Whoa Yeah right Like your whole house Is a college dorm You have to have black lights Everywhere And you have to have like Empty booze bottles Filled with like Things that make them glow And shit Every room you go into Is a college dorm Because you are the black light poster The black light poster That's weird What would I get? Probably something Something representative Of Chicago or back home Fucking Chicago Shut down A deep dish pizza And a bullet Probably get Old style And a hot dog On my shoulders I'd get a snow shovel And a fucking bratwurst He's got a high Cholesterol chart reading And everything is up at the top Probably Probably But I'm fine But everybody's fine Don't worry about it Everyone's got a fat gut And a big smile Heard you making fun Heard Joe Rogan's Making fun of us dude I don't like that Making fun of Chicago Tell him to fuck off That's what I say to Joe Rogan's

141:52Well boycott your fucking Shitty show On June 8th At the Chicago theater Is Joe Rogan's And Seth Rogan's Are they brothers? Joe Rogan's? They know each other He's different than that other guy Right? Different guy? Seth Rogan got mad He Fake got mad at me He goes Everyone spells my name wrong Because of you Sorry dude It's just a dumb way of spelling it You gotta stop using an E at the end Rogan Rogan? Rogan? It's Rogan Rogan R-O-G-A-N It's English? Mine's Irish His is English Did you see this crazy Yeah this bong What's he doing? It's $500 Gravity bong It's a little too much For a gravity bong But you just smoke a joint $500 for a gravity bong But look at it It looks crazy Yeah It seems like a real good idea Look Look at my Look at my joint Watch him flip Look at it He flips his shit Right upside down Gas station lighter Yeah Gas station lighter Joint We're good You don't need a $500 bong Seth Rogan's so serious I handed him

142:54Stoner of the Year award once One of the High Times awards $500 bong That's ridiculous People are always trying to give me These fucking things Did you get Stoner of the Year award? Yeah I got it once Right? Didn't I get it? They were offering it to me I think I might have had to go To get it I was gonna say You probably were like I can't go man Yeah I wasn't gonna go I can't go I hosted the Doobies one year Which was fun It was like an award show That was in like 2001 Yeah And then I gave an award to Seth Rogen Another time But they've asked me to perform At those before And I did it once for the Doobies It's just Everyone's high as a kite It's all weird It's just I mean They don't know when to laugh They're just so out of it Yeah so hot The craziest show ever It's the underground comedy show In Toronto Have you ever done that place? No Dude They have a bong shop And in the back room It's all A comedy show But it's all people

143:53Smoking pot In the room It's a hot box While you're doing The show Oh yeah They have bongs On the tables Dude people are Blitzkrieged Right You are so high When you're on stage You can't remember What you were talking about Three seconds ago I mean it's so bad And it's thick Like smoke everywhere Like the whole There's no ventilation Well you can't do material You just have to go fuck around Yeah I mean you could try to do material I definitely have tried But like I took Tripoli there And Tripoli doesn't really get high At least he didn't I don't know I don't think he does I think he might have been sober But dude he got blitzkrieg Just breathing the air in this place He just got fucking ripped The whole place Did he bomb? There was I don't think it was a I don't think anyone bombed Like they were very friendly See I feel like that's such a bomb venue Where you're like I'm never gonna do well in here They don't fucking

144:40They're not paying attention You're just out of it Right It's just the whole thing You're off Everything's off Right You're so high But that's also where I did a thing The Iron Cheek came on stage In that place You ever seen that video With the Iron Cheek Joe Rogan's And he starts Joe Rogan Talking to me And that's when I realized The price that pro wrestlers pay Oh my god The health Like this poor fella He's in crutches and shit He can barely walk That's him And me on stage One of the best In the world UFC And M-M-N M-M-N They are toughest Toughest And the best Wrestler And fighter But I wanna ask Joe Rogan What is the toughest Sport in the Olympic Freestyle Greco-Roman Or UFC Oh yeah That the toughest Sport in the Olympics Is freestyle wrestling Sir Absolutely I have a I have a I have a I have a I have a I have a I have a I have a I have a I have a I have a I have a I have a I have a I have a One of the highlights Of my life Being on stage

145:47High as giraffe Pussy Talking to the Iron Cheek In a room With a pot leaf Behind me That's a big old Pot leaf Was he ripped too Oh yeah There's not a sober eye In the house There was no one sober In that place I don't I don't I literally don't think It would be possible To be sober in that room I just don't think You could be There's no air in that room No yeah They trap you Yeah like All the fire There's fire Like the little candles And stuff on the table I'm like It's running out of air They don't have any air To stay lit The flame is flickering out It's all weed smoking here Everybody's like This Like the whole These candles burn on weed Joe It's fine But the shows there Are always real weird People go there And just It's in Vancouver No it's Toronto Toronto Toronto Wrong side I forget what it's called Comedy Underground Or something like that Yeah Puff Mama Puff Mama Underground Comedy Club Underground Comedy Club Yeah

146:36We've done it a couple of times Are they still doing shows And shit there I don't know They are I think so Yeah They don't give up They forgot Every time they get too high They forgot they got too high We had to stop it But we didn't remember to Who's coming up there Give them a plug Underground Comedy Puffmama.ca Puffmama.ca There you go Fun place though And very very nice people Did it a few times Dope and mic Although they did tell A bunch of people That I was coming And I wasn't coming And then people got mad at me And like hey Hey hey I didn't fucking say I was coming Somebody said I was going there Yeah If someone promotes your shit And you're like Did I say it Or did you hear it From another party If you didn't hear me Promising You fucking promised You're gonna be there bro We got tickets You couldn't get tickets At your other place Hey Just so many people There's just so many people In the world Where's your least favorite spot

147:22To perform I don't really have one Not like a city But what's your like What's the least ideal situation I'm not trying to tag out a city I mean like Least ideal is always A late show On a Friday night And a place where people are dumb Yeah Right And they're dumb And they're drunk They're sad But I'll tell you what man There's places that you go That don't get a lot of love And then when you go there The fucking shows are awesome Like Bakersfield was awesome Really Just did it Just did it a couple weeks ago It was fucking amazing They were incredible They were one of the best audiences ever Lively Fun By the way Same place To Hatchby Mountains That's right near Where the guy got killed by a bear That's right near There will be blood I drink your milkshake That was right there That was that whole area Those people were fucking great They were cool They were really cool And you were surprised You sound like you're surprised Yeah

148:12Yeah like you were like Okay I'm fucking never good I'm like I gotta give it a chance I saw Burr and I talked about it on a podcast Like two years ago We should do just a tour of places Where people don't want to go I'm like yeah that'd be kind of fun It's fun So he and I talked about doing it We were gonna talk about doing it In Bakersfield And we never get around to doing it And so I said I'm just gonna go by myself Right So I decided to go I had a great fucking time It was fun Yeah I mean Those people deserve comedy too Like it's so funny It's like big cities That's why when you go somewhere small Most of the time They appreciate it more Because they're like Dude no one ever comes through here You know what else is great? Fresno Yeah Fred never been there either Fresno is great Yeah Fucking fun man Did two shows in Fresno Had a great time You have no idea How many people right now in Fresno Are losing their minds

148:54Fresno has some serious soul food Some legit For real? Soul food Yeah Fresno's how far? I wish I could remember the place I got the name of the place Somewhere on my phone How far is Fresno from here? It's a solid four hour drive Yeah It's almost to San Francisco right? Yeah A little south Probably two and a half south Yeah Alright Yeah It's about About four hours drive I forget the name of this fucking place There was a soul food place in Fresno? Yeah I'm not going to be able to find it See if you can google Soul food Soul food in Fresno It's one of the highly ranked restaurants There's not a lot of choices in Fresno for food Chef Paul's or Doll's Kitchen? I think it's Chef Paul's Can you see if you can find a picture of it? 4.6 Yeah that's the spot It is Chef Paul's Gotta be a 4.6 baby Dude they have oxtails I love oxtails That is the place Cool artwork on the wall That place If you are near Fresno

149:52If you're like an hour outside of Fresno Drive there If you're on your way You're passing through And you go That's probably not something good there Ooh a little shrimp gumbo Dude they had chicken and waffles They had ribs I had tri-tip They had catfish I believe They had But the braised oxtail was off the charts I love oxtail man It was so good man They had collard greens That was amazing They had braised cabbage That was sensational It's a serious joint It's one of those places where One of the main things That they serve to drink Is Kool-Aid And I went off the reservation So I'm like fuck it I'm eating this stuff I might as well just have a Kool-Aid as well What's the difference? It was wonderful Yeah Like having some ribs and a Kool-Aid There's a Kool-Aid right there Baby Having some ribs and a Kool-Aid We went there two days in a row Fucking place is incredible When you go there you can't fucking

150:45You can't like health it out You gotta go whole hog Yeah go for it You gotta go whole hog If you're going to Chef Paul's So shout out to Chef Paul's Cafe In Fresno Good spot But you know what man I'm having a good time doing stand up So everywhere I'm going I'm having fun I mean even when you go to a weird place It's like yeah It's weirder I mean it's not Anaheim But it's weird You know it's fun It's not Irvine improv Right right right See I'm at a level where I'm still Hustling through places that are just You know I'm having fun For a lot of the places But some places I'm just like The crowds are not that good I don't draw enough people So it's like a lot It's hard I think Burr talked about it I don't know if he talked about it here But he said like Killing to the abyss He's like there's a part in your career When you're killing to the abyss Right right When you're kind of like You know you're a You are a professional

151:36You've had accolades in the game You've done well enough But your fan base isn't huge enough To where you have a big following So when you go somewhere You crush and you'll hear afterwards Someone go You know I've never even heard of you And we You're one of our favorite comics now And they do that They do this thing where they're like We fucking love you I can't believe We're gonna follow So you make these new fans It's great But it's just like You are working so hard Crushing to 30 people You know to earn Earn you know to earn You're earning all these audiences Those times though man When you look back You will remember those Very fondly Well I can't forget them Because a lot of them Are painful as shit Yeah There's gonna be rough ones But those are fucking So critical for the development Of your act Oh it's worth It's worth every And the good thing is The places that I have built Audiences That I love Like Denver

152:22When I go back to Comedy Works I can sell that place out Because I've built an audience Right Right Like if I build audiences In places that really love me That's the best part About going to places Where I'm like You know They just show me So much love there That you're like God that's what it is That's what it feels good Yeah and you have to think of Like if you're in a place Like Denver How many of those people That come to see you Are actually going to Leave comments Or tweet at you And how many of them Are just gonna enjoy it Because most of the time When I go to see somebody I just enjoy them I just enjoy it too Yeah I mean It's very rare That I say Hey you have to go see this guy Right Or hey this girl's here Or this band Or whatever It's very rare Right And most of the time I just enjoy it So like You think about You're doing thousands of people Right You're doing 200 What is that 300 seats How much does comedy work

153:05I think it's three Yeah So like 300 seats You're doing 1200 In two days You know And then you're going back again Doing another 12 They'll tell their friends People come back Tickets go quicker next time Right And then a year later I mean that's That's the key To building the road Like to this day There's places where I sell out Way in advance And there's other places Where I really haven't been Going that often And it's more of a difficulty To sell tickets Yeah that's Right Because you've built up Yeah Like Houston Houston's a spot Where I can just I sell out in Houston I've been selling out Comedy clubs In Houston Since the 90s Shit Yeah it's like It's always been a spot That I could Because that was like For me Houston Was one of the There was a few cities Where legends came from And Houston was where Kenison came from That's right And for me It's like Kenison and Hicks Both came out of Houston Right So for me it's like

153:54I had to get to Houston Like there's this thought In my head Like I knew about The Laugh Stop And River Oaks This one spot That was in the 90s Like I gotta get to that club Like that's the spot Right It was a fucking perfect Comedy club too You never worked there Huh No It was gone before You came around I was gonna say But I've listened to Many albums Where they're at The Laugh Stop Introducing comics Mine from 1999 Yeah From I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday on Warner Brothers That was from The Laugh Stop I did it in Houston I filmed in like I recorded it rather In 98 or 99 And it was The perfect club It was perfect They had an open mic night So they had a bar in the front And they had stage in the front And they had Open mic night They would start at 8 And go 2 o'clock In the fucking morning And no hacks I'm telling you No hacks And they would ostracize hacks Boot them out of the community They're all artists There was a lot of

154:41Really good comics That came out of there That's wild And one club went under This one club went under And the whole scene Took a big hit Apparently the scene's Bouncing back now And there's There's a lot more comics Now in Houston But dude When I used to work there In the 90s You would go there And these opening acts These guys who were working there Would be fucking killers They were killers The openers would rip They were great That's amazing They were real comics They were real comics And then the open mic night You would see funny comics That were learning how to do comedy Like people that really have shot But it was just One club There's always a problem When there's one club in a town Wendy's figured out how to do that in Denver Like that's what Wendy who owns the comedy works Yeah She's figured out She's created a scene Like that scene is Almost primarily responsible Or she's almost primarily responsible

155:31Or as one individual For that entire comedy scene Yeah She's amazing Well she's I give her credit Because I think she's cultivated Such good talent That again That's kind of what you were saying About Houston Like everyone that I know That I met there That's from there Yeah That comes out of there Is a fucking phenomenal comedian Right Like their locals Yeah Are professionals here To this day When I do comedy Like I do theaters there Yeah Like I'll do this The Belco It's like 5,000 seats I go through her I do it through her Like a sheet I also do her club So I always hang out with her When I'm in town Like that lady's Super important Yeah Like I did my special there In 2014 My Comedy Central special Because It was important to me To do it at that club Like that club Is one of the reasons Why I moved to Colorado For a brief time I was like I'll be close to this club Right I was like I can survive here Like I need a base station

156:25I need a base station To fuck around And work out material I could use this place Like everybody else Is doing it Like I could This could be This is a real comedy community Yeah really It really is Yeah there's a few like that That are building so strong right now I think my only fear for the future is There's a lot of new clubs that pop up And a lot of clubs That have gone so corporatized That they're all the same That I'm still a club guy So for me I don't get to play theaters You know So when you do clubs You're You know At the mercy of The club system Of whatever that may be You know And a lot of them are A lot of them are So corporately systematic I mean you feel like You're like Sometimes you feel like You know that old joke of a musician It's like What's up Omaha And they're like What? This isn't Omaha It's Missouri And you're like Well It all feels the same Like some of the clubs Feel the same

157:08That's true with a lot of the improvs But What they've done is They've figured out a way To make it a very professional experience Everywhere you go All over the country Yeah Like I accept What they're doing Because what they're doing Is like a blend Of the art And commerce It's a business They've done a smart thing Yeah But they don't fuck with your act No As long as they don't fuck with my act I'm cool Totally And as long as they're professional And friendly I'm cool But there's a big difference Between working for them And like Working for Zanies in Nashville Right It's like Owned by You know Guys who've owned it for a long time It's just different It's a super sweet club You know They're just great guys It's just And it's a perfect Old school You know it's an old school Comedy club Because you walk around And look at the headshots And go He's dead He killed himself Yeah And he died How many dead people are up Yeah A lot man Yeah A lot

157:54That's like the comedy store Is like a posthumous hallway When you walk through Everybody on that wall is dead It's true Roseanne might be the only big picture In the hallway that's still alive Well there's one wall When you get out of the kitchen And you go towards the main room If you took a right Yeah That one wall Three out of the four people are dead Yeah That's what I mean Like it's Roseanne's the only one that's alive That's on that side of the wall I think No I think it's Louis Anderson Oh yeah you're right No you're right You're right Louis Anderson's alive Robin Williams is dead Shirley Hemphill's dead Yep Richard Pryor's dead And Gary Shandling's dead Yeah Shandling's That's a shitty one Hemphill Does she have a big picture Or is she on the wall I think she's not a big picture She's a smaller picture Smaller on the wall Yeah There's a lot of them dude Yeah it's wild Yeah And we lost Craig Motherfucking Mac today R.I.P.

158:45Craig Mack Flavor in your ear You were the best Where are you going to next? I'm finishing up shooting the second season of I'm Dying Up Here for Showtime So I'm here in town doing that When's that air? When's that start air? May 6th Are you happy with it? Everything going well? Yeah it's going smooth We added Brad Garrett Who's on it Who's crazy Brad's a good dude He's great Such a cool guy He's a great guy He's got the best club in Vegas Yeah and you know what's so funny man It's great sitting and talking stories about stand up with him Because he's been around for so long I mean he's got such good gold Of stuff I can't talk about It's like I want him to tell I don't want to tell any of his stories But he's a guy You would have to tell him like this Well he He's got the craziest voice That's your real voice He's very deep But he Great guy Awesome dude They added him and they added this young actress Zosia Rockmore

159:30Who's fucking Oh fuck her dude I'm just kidding I don't even know who that is She's black Joe Is that why Because she's black I didn't know I wouldn't have said it I wouldn't have said it I wouldn't have said it No yeah so We come out May 6 So now I'm shooting in town Next weekend I'm going to go with you Yeah We're going to do the Laugh Factory Or excuse me The Ice House Ice House Yeah I forgot where we're going Ice House There's so many clubs Yeah we're doing the Ice House in Pasadena Next Friday and Saturday It's all sold out Fuckers Sorry Sorry But otherwise When I get back on the road At the end of May The first dates I'll be doing I go back up to I go up to Alberta Where we were talking about I go to Edmonton So I'll be in Edmonton The end of May So look on that Edmonton calendar And I'll be up there You doing that comedy club up there? I'm doing House of Comedy That place is great Yeah it's fun It's a great family

160:12That place in Edmonton That's an all time great club Yeah it is It's really really fun Yeah And the family that runs it The Bronsons are great They're good to me So I love them Callan raves about that place Yeah I know They love him They love him And they like They like a lot of store guys It's just by coincidence Like Bobby They love a lot of those It's just funny comics man Yeah They like funny people Tripoli did his CD there Yeah recorded there Yeah Yeah That's a great spot Dom Herrera raves about that Brad Garrett club at the MGM Oh yeah He's like it's the best club And Dom You know Dom is on I'm dying up here And this actually happened This last week Dom had a scene In the show Where he Like has a heart attack And You know He gets on a plane To go to Jersey or something He lands There's like six missed phone calls From Mark Maron And Mark leaves him voicemails Being like Hey man I heard something happen On set Cause you know

161:00Like the game of telephone Got out that it was like Someone said Yeah it was Don I haven't seen We had a heart attack Someone's like Wait what Dom had a what on it And that just bled out Into the ether You know So So Dom called me He's like Andrew I gotta tell you People think I'm dead Did you Did anybody Who told people That I died on set And I'm like I don't know man Maybe it'll give you Some traction So let it keep going Give you some traction Yeah Isn't that funny Maybe it'll go viral Fuck it You never know bro It could go viral But Dom is the best Man we've had He's awesome He's the best We've had some good comics pop up We're gonna keep They keep getting Andy Kindler Came on the show Fucking Rick Overton Is back on the show There's like a lot of great A lot of great people I became friends with Dom Cause we hung out in a pool hall once Oh yeah Yeah we did a gig together But I didn't really know him And then I went to

161:44Amsterdam Billiards In New York In like Sure 90s Somewhere in the 90s And I used to play a lot of pool And I was there And Dom Herrera was there With his own stick I was like what? I was like you play pool? He's like yeah He's pretty good I was like shit Let's play some pool And we played pool I was like I can't believe it I fucking love him Play some real pool He's from Philadelphia From Philadelphia You gotta be able to take a punch Tell a joke And play some pool That's it You have to have those And know where the good cheese sticks are Right Right Do you think that's Philadelphia people Like enough with the Fucking cheese sticks No They love it It's part of their fucking culture But you don't think They're annoyed Like oh you're saying That that's all we have Yeah And partially it is What other food is coming out of there? Is anybody else being like Dude you know what else is good out of Philly? Very good Italian food

162:27Yeah but that's good That's like Boston Good Italian food New York I think Boston has some of the best Italian food Go to the north end That's not true Oh yeah They have good Italian food Dude it's the best They can't fuck with New York I grew up there Trust me But I think those are one of the same New York Boston to me Nah Nah Nah Nah You don't think it can fuck with it? Nah Sorry Boston Look I love ya I love ya But I think There's a smaller amount Of good places Whereas New York There's an endless supply Of guineas Sure Right per capita It's fucking yes Endless supply Of flour on the floor And fucking people with aprons And making sauce Oh The perfect fucking sauce My own sausage Yeah It's just I feel like there's a larger concentration Of guineas In like the New York New Jersey area And in Boston It was more of a concentration Of Irish There was more Irish Irish and Italian Yeah Just a few Italian But they were heavily outnumbered Yeah

163:16Like East Boston You know like a few places Right Little Italy Few places That's why I feel comfortable there Because I'm an orange guy When I go to Boston People think I'm orange You slip right in Yeah They assume I'm theirs Well what are you? Irish and Italian Well you're one of theirs Yeah but not one of theirs But the Santino They hear Santino If they hear Santino They get mad Like what? Traitor What the fuck is this? Yeah when I first moved to Boston I had an Irish last name The opposite But I'm mostly Italian I'm three quarters Italian One of the Irish Yeah you don't look Irish So it's like Like you got a fucking Irish last name And you're almost all Italian Fucking shame Fucking pathetic Fucking shame There's some real Irish Versus Italian animosity In Boston In like the In most cities Late 70s Early 80s When I first moved there I was gonna say Like the history of Irish and Italian They didn't really get a lot of

164:00Along too well anyway They did not No I think I moved there In it must have been like 79 79 And then I went to high school there In 81 That was my first year in high school Where were you born? I was born in New Jersey Yeah I was gonna say I thought Jersey But we lived in California for a while I lived in California from age 7 to 11 And then we lived in Florida for a little bit And then we lived in Boston Jamaica Plain for a year and a half Two years somewhere around there And then we moved to Newton Which is a very nice suburb Newton Newton Upper Falls Very nice suburb It's fancy It's very quiet There's a lot of big lawns Everybody's relaxed Yeah Fences Yeah People born out of their fucking mind Can't wait to escape You know it's one of those places They don't realize how good they have it Well that's what happens I went back recently I drove through the streets I'm like I could live here This fucking place is great

164:47Well you have a new perspective When you get older When you're younger You're like Get the fuck out of this shit hole Well when you're younger You're just so filled with angst Yeah You just like You have no idea Like think about this When you were 17 You had no idea You're going to be a professional comic No idea things were going to work out You're going to be on a TV series You're going to be having a good time You had no idea So you're just like What if it doesn't? What if it all goes wrong? You see all these people around you And this guy's always drunk And he's doing coke I gotta get the fuck out of here I gotta get the fuck out of this town Get the fuck away from these people And then you go back When you're an adult And you go This is a great place I grew up in a really nice town Yeah but it's probably only because When you leave It's nice to come back No I didn't have anybody Telling me it was awesome

165:27If I had like a smart older brother They'd be like Dude look Don't go anywhere There's the Catholic school girls They're all horny They're all right there They just wait outside In front of the school I would have had strategies Dude there was no one That was hornier Than the girls who went to Catholic school No one No one Yeah They separated those girls from boys And they were a different animal Than the girls I went to school with Freaks Yeah I went to public school I went to Newton South And when we were in high school We would get out And we would meet girls That were coming off of the Catholic girls school And these girls would go after guys They weren't like regular girls Like it's Hunger Games and shit They were predators Like they were starving Like they needed water Dick Dick It was crazy The horniest girl I ever dated When I was young Was in an all girl Catholic school She was a great gal She was a fuck machine

166:18Because she was like I made a joke about her That like you could You could roll a dick past her Like a kitten with a ball of yarn And she would just tie five She couldn't help it She wasn't a bad person But she was always horny And it took me years To figure out what was going on It was something that I really considered In a very strange way Like I had a It really puzzled me Because I had these Preconceived notions About how women behave But these Catholic school girls Threw a giant monkey wrench Into this notion Like okay That makes sense For the regular girls Regular girls They might let you know They think you're cute He seems nice You ask her out You ask her friend Ask her if she likes me And you know There was like this little thing Those Catholic girls They would cut to the chase They were like werewolves They would just charge to the room And grab a guy Hey how are you Want to make out Next thing you know

167:11You're fingering them They were crazy They were a totally different animal They were taking your hand And putting it down their pants And girls didn't like it Other girls The regular girls Did not like it Of course not They were like gang members They were like gang members They all had their own uniform They'd come over With their fucking plaid skirts on And just fuck everything Like the Tasmanian devil They were just tornado fucking The whole school And they preyed on these boys Because they didn't have any They had no boys They were in a whole school With hundreds of girls And when you repress that That's what you get Dude That is not good When you take away human emotion Like that you're fucked All they're doing is just all day Math, science, Spanish Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick Just dicks Running through their head A ticker tape of dicks Just going through their head And jizz and boners

167:53And squirt, squirt, squirt Just thinking about Someone sucking their titties And eating their box That's all they're thinking about That's all they thought about I mean I really like For years that girl fucked me up Because I had all these ideas About like a spectrum Of natural female sexuality Right Like this girl's hornier than that girl But this girl's hornier than that girl And she really likes this But she really likes that But most of them They act like girls You gotta let them know Not this bitch Off the charts Rabid She was rabid It was rabid They suppressed the shit out of her They just left her In this fucking thing It was crazy Meanwhile her sister This was really weird Her sister didn't go To catholic school Her sister went to school with me She went to a regular school Real tame She was normal Yeah She was fucking normal I mean she was I mean Nice girl and everything Nothing wrong with her Fun to hang out with Right

168:48But normal She wasn't a werewolf Yeah nothing insane Her sister was a werewolf A werewolf for dick Dude she was a monster And it was the only one In the family That was like that And I just don't I don't see Any other correlation I've studied this for years She's probably in a Fucking orgy She's a 50 year old lady Getting stuffed Just getting stuffed By like five dudes Two of them She's jerking off One of them She's face fucking them Dude she's an animal Girl's an animal You think that's gotta be The majority of women That get into porn Probably had some kind of Repression like that Right I think it's more molestation You think that's the most It's the most But it's not all of them You know There's a thing that They always want to say That all women who get Into porn are fucked up And man I don't know If that's true I don't believe that No Yeah and there's a thing That people Like someone was saying The other day That porn addiction

169:37Is real And porn is fucked up Because it ruins The way guys think And like Maybe some guys But isn't that the same As with gambling Like isn't gambling Really bad for some guys Yeah You know it is right Yeah it ruins people's lives Ruins their life Yes And it's Certain guys Just can't fucking gamble Right Who was it that was saying That his dad lost their house Over gambling Early podcast God damn it That growing up I want to say It was one of Callan's friends Was it Jimmy Burke It might have been I mean I come from My grandfather's My grandfather works At the dog track in Chicago I think it was Jimmy Burke I think Jimmy Burke's Dad was a crazy gambler But yeah man There's a I knew a lot of guys Like that from the pool hall That just Every nickel they earned They would blow Yeah And they always owed money And they were hiding from people It was always gambling That lifestyle is so wild to me But I don't have a problem With gambling

170:32So if I go to Vegas And you know I don't bet on anything But if I I used to bet on fights So if I Maybe if I'm in Vegas And just for a fucking goof Canelo Alvarez Is going to fight Gennady Golovkin And I get to the sports book Like a day before the fight I'm like yeah I'll put a fucking couple hundred bucks On this Yeah why not I think triple G's got it And I'll throw my hat in the ring But I'm not going to lose my mind And bet my life waste With some people It's their whole existence They have to It doesn't mean that I shouldn't Be able to go gamble It's just like The same thing As if I'm in a hotel room And I want to jerk off I don't want to hear your bullshit About somebody who's addicted to it And it ruins their life That's I'm sad I'm sad that someone Got addicted to it And ruined their life But there's nothing that I can do About that And porn's a real thing So what do you What do you want me to do Am I supposed to abandon

171:17All my jerking off And not watch the stuff That I want to watch Because somewhere There's someone who can't handle it Or do we have to like Educate people Like hey Some people They have weak chins And just They don't think well Can't get through And they just shouldn't get into boxing Right Okay You know what I mean Like if you can't take a punch Don't get into boxing If you just If you watch one porn film And next thing you know Five hours later You're dehydrated You know you haven't left the room Your dick is raw Your dick is raw Your fucking hands tired You got a tennis elbow Like that's not my fault Okay I don't know what to tell you Should I not jerk off now No Like people But those people that suffer through It's like people were alcoholics Like oh what are you drinking You're drinking Yeah Yeah I like to have a drink Yep You know why Because I'll go weeks Without having one Yeah It'll ruin my family It doesn't fuck my life up

172:06I like to have a drink I don't go home And kick my fucking dog Around the house And beat my kids I like to have a drink Yeah Is that alright I like to have a glass of wine With dinner Does that mean that I have to Respect the guy Who lost everything And he's fucking homeless And he's sucking dicks For cheap wine Nope Because he couldn't handle it So I should Out of respect for him Push that Pinot Noir aside No no no It's not a palate cleanser When you're having a nice steak And some fine garlic mashed potatoes That's a terrible drug That ruins families Right Just like the porn Just like fucking everything though It's like working out You could be addicted to working out So many people are They are There's a lot of people that are It's not gonna stop you from lifting Come on bitch Come on bitch People are too fucking god damn soft That's the problem Yeah We're so soft We're trying to protect other people So much

172:54That we're ruining them Yeah we're ruining them We're ruining people God damn it Santino God fucking How did we get to this Amy doesn't know He's looking at porn right now I get mad He does He looks at porn all the time I see it in his eyes Like you see the glint Yeah the little It's your reflection A little glimmer I see a little of this going on I see a little of this going on Yeah watching porn Is one of the weirdest taboos Because you think about How many people watch it I mean it is I The last Didn't we talk about this once Where it was something Insane Like 20% of all internet traffic Is all porn 20% I thought it was more than that More Wouldn't you assume it's more than that 30% I'm gonna say 39% I'm gonna say I'd say I'm gonna do 42% Isn't most of it Netflix now 30% 30% Wow What percent is Netflix 70% I'm gonna say 49% I don't know why I'm into nines today I'm gonna say 36% Ooh This is like The price is right You got it 36 Nailed it

173:59Damn Give me some knuckles 32.25 in just North America But 36 of all Wow You got super specific Wait wait 32.25 in just North America 36 overall This was also But that was October 8th of 2015 So it's gotta be more now Probably But how crazy is that That the United States Has that big of a market And the rest of the world Is just 4 or 5 points I'll tell you why that's wrong Because Ian Edwards was just somewhere That was saying how The international market now Has almost matched Ian's working on a Netflix show And their international markets Almost matched North America now Wow So that was what 3 years ago It's gotta be way higher now That's crazy Way higher That is crazy You know what they made In the 4th quarter last year Netflix What Take a guess Don't look it up Take a guess I think it's 80 kazillion dollars 10 billion No no no In just the 4th quarter last year They made 3.4 billion Just the 4th quarter 10 for the year

174:5010 for the year That's probably right Wow Well they're throwing it around At comics I'll tell you that I wish they were throwing it at me They will be First of all Throw it at me A little too white And the future is dark I know The future is brown And meek I know What am I doing If you had glasses And you were thin And brown You'd have a show I'd have two shows If you were a woman And you had glasses Yeah And you were brown Would you have a show I might transform No I think What it is right now Is that they just Have so many specials That they're working on That's my biggest problem Someone was trying to say that They were like Oh you know They're only going after I forget what term he used Like either hipsters Or they're going after You know Diversity Like they're not They're not going to give it To a white guy I'm like John Mulaney Just got a special Yeah What are you talking about Like this Craig Ferguson Just got a special

175:39It's just those that have built You have to build yourself You have to be built Well That's how it always was Yeah of course The way it always used to be And this is the problem Is there's no real valid Entry level show So What it used to be is You would get on like Young comedian special On HBO And then There would be like Four of you Everybody would do Fifteen minutes or so And then That's how you'd make it Right And then there was The Rodney Dangerfield specials And that's how We found out about Lenny Clark And Dom Irera Right Bill Hicks Sam Kinison Dice Clay They all came out Of the Rodney Dangerfield specials There's not a thing like that anymore So you had to go through those things Before you got a special It's wild Now It's like You just kind of get specials Right You have to find a way Into the game Yeah You have to find You have to find like The niche that gets you To the place To get the special

176:30Well you have a Showtime special I do I put a special up on Showtime Last year But the problem is Showtime's market is so You know It's so specific It's only people that subscribe Meanwhile Netflix is fucking Everybody That's true But meanwhile Sebastian Became one of the biggest comics In the world Because of Showtime Yeah No Sebastian is the unicorn man Yeah Like when people go How did he make it so big Well first of all He's really funny Very funny Great guy Family friendly And for whatever reason He Whatever Showtime's Fucking target market is Clicked He just flew right through in He's like There's an opening And he just like Whoosh Without touching the wall He just went right through Right in It was perfect Perfect Yeah But that's what all that is That's all timing And I You know Yeah I mean Showtime's been great I don't know if I would do another one Anytime soon at all But if I did do another one I'd do it with them You know

177:22I don't really care where it is I just care the content that I put on it Can someone see it online? Can they go and get somewhere? You have to have Showtime That's the biggest That's the problem See that's the thing about Netflix That's so great Is everybody has it Right But Showtime is like My special's always there It's just you have to have Showtime You know people have talked about Doing this with podcasts About doing the same kind of thing Like coming up with a bunch of cash And having all podcasts under one umbrella Right You know Like a monopoly Like a Netflix type deal Because everybody has their own way of doing it now Like everybody has their own way of doing it In terms of like Some people have ads Some people have like A GoFundMe or a Patreon page You don't want that But that would fuck you up right? Probably Yeah I mean that would That seems like that's going backwards Unless it was like a Netflix thing

178:10Where everybody had it Like that would have to be the thing Yeah But the thing is like Netflix is movies And movies take a shitload of money to make Netflix is TV shows They take a shitload of money to make Yep This podcast You could have done it on a phone We could have set our iPhone On the table Right there Press the auto record thing And just gone Yeah But instead we got Jamie doing all these fake button push in And porno and shit I'm waiting for VR bro Fun fact Apple's market cap That's my man Marcus Brown Wow Market cap is closing in on one trillion dollars If you had a trillion dollars You could literally buy every single NFL NBA And MLS Team Ford NASA And a hundred thousand Teslas And still have money left over But you couldn't buy Apple Whoa They could buy Netflix seven and a half times Wow But Apple is What they're doing with podcasts is very interesting Because they're just an aggregator You know Yes

179:10Like you have to have your own host And you just put it up on there But through their iTunes I mean we're always in this trending section And we're always in like Like the rankings When you're looking at like who the top podcasts are We're always in there And it helps people find you Totally So they're helping people find you They are kind of a network in a way But they're not a network in a way Like they're not like a YouTube Where they control content They're not like They're not They're not really They're not hosting you Well they have Apple Music too But podcasts are not a part of that yet I wonder if they're going to do that I think that's so weird that they don't merge those Like that that podcast is a separate tab Which makes no fucking sense to me Like it's just to be a subcategory of music It should be right But then there's the thing of If you have something on iTunes Right

179:56And like Apple Music is a totally different jam Right Like Apple Music is them hosting it Isn't it? Yeah So they would have it So they would have your podcast So if you said something really fucked up Like maybe they would get in trouble for having you on I don't think so They won't censor someone's song No yeah Same way Same thing Like any like radical punk rock Sure Fucking crazy They might Fucking mother They might not host it Right Going into it But I mean I don't think But like look up like But Apple Music can't Like what is the Spotify market Versus the Apple Music market Like I don't think Apple Music does well at all I think It's doing way better now But not as well as Spotify does It's getting closer yeah Because I feel like Spotify just dominates the market Yeah but see Apple Music is on everyone's phone now You just find it and use it It's so easy to use Yeah I use it I don't use Spotify See but I think it's

180:48The youngest generation loves Spotify Like they love SoundCloud You know SoundCloud Yeah I mean that's so big They love that shit Yeah SoundCloud a lot of people were using to host podcasts Yeah totally But a lot of people think that it won't be around Oh I think that's the opposite Yeah Not only do I think Not only is it for stuff like that That's homemade podcast stuff Like DIY It's also set to surpass Spotify Paid subscribers Paid subscribers Right Right Because Spotify starts off for free Right Interesting But like that's my thing is like You know like That the future of SoundCloud thing like that Is because it's all Everybody loves DIY shit Whether it's musicians or like All those musicians and artists now That are on Spotify It's all people like making music In their fucking In their house Yeah Fucking YouTube You know I mean how many YouTube millionaires Have been made From A lot So many Weird shit Putting up videos Talking

181:38I know some from the I know some from the beginning Like I used to do a YouTube sketch thing A long time ago And like Caught fire a little bit On a very small scale And the people that we kind of Associated with When it was starting to grow Two or three of them Now that I know Have made so much money from that And they were Just from the jump They were kind of like In right as the cusp Was like beginning You know What happens with that dude Who got in trouble With the suicide Is that Jake or Logan Paul Which one is he That's Logan Paul Logan Paul What happened He's banned They demonetized his entire channel I thought he's still making videos right He's not making any money They took all his ad money away Because he electrocuted a dead rat No Yes he did I brought a video yesterday It had two and a half million views But he doesn't get paid No he still does But no they were saying That his entire channel Was demonetized

182:24Unless he got lawyers involved So then he could be just Using his channel And then getting sponsored videos Well yeah totally Maybe Still making money that way And selling merch Which is one of the big things To me it's stunning He makes more on merch Probably than he does From fucking YouTube Probably does To me it's stunning That there's not A competitor to YouTube Not a real competitor Yeah There's been They've tried It's crazy Vimeo is just not Not happening Well it's a video hosting site But it's not It's not as user friendly Well it's also It doesn't suggest things Their algorithm That YouTube has figured out To having what's next On the right hand side It's like so attractive Yeah Because there's always Something there to click on Right Vimeo does not They're not as sophisticated In that way They want to be the artistic You know Yeah They want to cultivate Like this sexy little artistic thing YouTube's like Fuck it

183:11Here's everything You've ever wanted to see Everything And ads for tampons We had We're putting up Every video on Vimeo As well as on YouTube Sure But on YouTube It'll have over a million videos A million hits And then you go to Vimeo And the same video Will have like what 20, 30,000 20,000 Yeah That's what I was going to say Because there's a so sick Their viewer traffic Is so much lower It's so much lower The only time I watch Vimeo Is when someone sends me A Vimeo link And you've got to think That video link Is being sent to Whatever million people I have on Twitter Totally I have like 2 million people And 2 million Russian bots I'm not sure which one They're all bots dude I don't know how that works I'm even a bot Some of them they say It's if you haven't Used it to post But there's a lot of people That use Twitter And they don't post So like how do you know If someone's a bot Like there's some suspicion

184:01Of their detection methods To decide who's fake I always can tell When you look at their Fucking profile Oh yeah The stuff they write Is so funny Oh there's definitely Some of those You know what I get a lot of those On Instagram Get a lot of those Really? Yeah yeah yeah Weird like fake comments You know like I learned how to make 108 million dollars a week It's all over the place Yeah yeah yeah Those things are everywhere You know It's like Who are they getting with that? Like who are they Who are they going after? Literally nobody Yeah nobody They can't make any money That's gotta be just like A whole scheme Old people Even then Man I watched the saddest show once Where this old dude Kept getting He kept getting scammed By this Nigerian scammer Who was pretending He was a hot girl That wanted to meet him in Europe This poor fuck Flew to Europe twice To meet this girl And both times She came up with excuses Why she couldn't meet him

184:50But for some But you know like Dude Darwinism dude Well yeah Like that guy's a fucking idiot dude I don't know Can you feel bad for that guy? He was this older guy And his daughter And uh Everybody died And no They were alive But they were sad They were watching this poor guy Get fucking scammed And keep traveling to Europe And he didn't want to believe The girl didn't exist And you were watching it And like everyone knew but him Like you knew You watched him Like no That's why I can't feel bad dude That guy Let him live that fantasy then Life is just a fantasy Can you live his fantasy life? Let him live that sad fucking fantasy Aldo Nova Yeah Ta da Live his fantasy life I watched a video of that The other day We were at the store We were in the secret comic bar Yeah yeah yeah And we started talking about Aldo Nova I'm like do you remember that song? And I put it up on YouTube We were sitting there like laughing

185:36Watching this video Watching the video? Yeah I miss the old videos man The beginning of it Aldo Nova uses his guitar To break into a building And then he performs on stage This is the beginning of it You can play the beginning of it Because it's not music Yeah No? No I can't We'll get booted off YouTube I have like the whole thing It's a fucking ridiculous music video There's a bunch of dudes With machine guns They open up this helicopter It lands And fucking Aldo Nova Steps out What the fuck is up? He's got a leopard outfit His sleeves are rolled up He's got knee high boots on And he doesn't make eye contact with anybody Hell no Walks to the fucking stage Nobody can see your eyes man They get to the door Look he's got a purpose in his walk They get to the door But he can't get in Because the door is locked Shit They're trying to get in Fuck Can't get in Step back Aldo says He tries to break it with his gun

186:25But he's a weak ass bitch Like a bitch It's worse Aldo's like Give me the guitar Music is the key Puts the strap on Check this out man Down Down Down Down Fuck yeah He melts off the fucking lock With his guitar bitch Kicks open the door The fucking smoke machine Starts going They all walk in And the band's already ready Yeah Come on baby This is a time stamp This is what happens When you take LSD And marijuana Out of the market As soon as you make it illegal Really bad And make these fucking people Terrified for their lives No one does drugs And everybody just Falls into this kind of shit Shitty music It's made They just don't know What they're doing man They don't know What they're doing They literally They're like children They've been separated From the umbilical cord They don't know How to get nutrition They're flying around Freaking the fuck out What is this Where am I Life is just a fantasy Can you live this fantasy live No no No no

187:27This is such a terrible song When I was in high school It was the shit man Then you look back And you're like That's a terrible fucking song Now you do Yeah But back then You know It was like Def Leppard singing Pour some sugar on me Fantasy Alright I gotta wrap this up Andrew Santino Tell all these wonderful people Where you gonna be I'll be with you At the Ice House Otherwise Next weekend You fucks Otherwise Check me out Cheeto Santino On Instagram and Twitter Cheeto Santino Always at the comedy store As well Always at the comedy store Come Alright you fucks Thank you everybody Bye