Essentials: The Science of Love, Desire & Attachment

The episode looks at the psychology and biology of desire, love and attachment. It starts with one of the findings it calls among the most robust in psychology: attachment styles. The host traces the idea to studies by Mary Ainsworth, which he dates to the 1980s. She built a laboratory setup called the strange situation task. A parent or other caregiver, usually a mother in the studies described, brings their own child into a room with toys and a stranger. The stranger is part of the experiment. The caregiver and stranger usually talk while the child is free to move around and play.

At some point the mother leaves. Later, at a time the experimenter chooses, she comes back. The researchers measure two things: how the toddler reacts when the caregiver leaves, and how the toddler reacts when the caregiver returns. The episode notes there are many versions of the task. Its basic finding is that children fall into four categories of attachment style.

Secure: the child engages with the stranger while the parent is in the room, becomes visibly upset when the parent leaves, and visibly shows happiness when the caregiver returns. This is read as confidence that the caregiver is available and will respond to the child's needs and communications. These children also explore new environments well, both with the parent present and after the parent leaves. Anxious-avoidant, or insecurely attached: no distress at separation, some tendency to approach the caregiver on return, but no general expression of joy. Anxious-ambivalent/resistant-insecure: distress even before the separation, very clingy behavior, and difficulty being comforted when the caregiver returns. Disorganized or disoriented ('D' babies): these children seem not to know how to react to separation and show behaviors and emotional tones not seen in other situations.

There is an inconsistency in the source. The framework is introduced as four categories, but the disorganized group is called 'the third category' even though the anxious-ambivalent group was already given that label. The four groups described still line up with the stated count of four.

The reason this matters for adult relationships, according to the episode, is that a toddler's category strongly predicts their attachment style in romantic partnerships later in life. The host calls this 'both amazing and surprising and not surprising all at the same time.' He adds that these templates can shift over time. One of the more powerful ways to shift them, he says, is simply knowing they exist and understanding that they are malleable. The claim underneath this is that the neural circuits for child-caregiver attachment are repurposed for romantic attachment later in life.

The episode rejects the idea that one brain area controls love, desire or attachment. Instead, several brain areas act together, in different sequences and at different intensities, to produce what it calls 'a sort of a song' that we experience as desire, love or attachment. The host stresses that the song is not literal. Underneath all three modes, he argues, is autonomic arousal.